Why Do We Push People Away? Understanding Our Defenses
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 26 сен 2023
- Defense mechanisms function as unconscious psychological strategies we deploy to navigate reality and sustain a consistent self-image. They act as a shield, guarding against feelings of anxiety, shame, and vulnerability. They are feeling states that prompt us to avoid contact and trick us into thinking they protect us against emotional harm.
Ancient philosophers recognized the human tendency to evade uncomfortable truths. In Plato’s Allegory of the Cave, he vividly depicts individuals shackled in a cave, seeing only shadows and illusions. Upon being freed and confronted with the light (truth), some retreat to the familiar darkness, unable to bear the illumination of reality. Aristotle wrote about akrasia, which meant a weakness of will that drives one to act against their better judgment, in essence, rejecting reality as unbearable. The stoic philosopher Epictetus noted that people have fantasies of controlling external events and directing them inward to choose how they respond instead.
Defenses are affective states that can interfere with our clear, reality-based functioning. They may be complex reactions that muddy our perception of reality, effectively shielding us from feelings or knowledge we find intolerable. They can take the form of denial, regression, rationalization, and even altruism. These are not merely intellectual barriers; they are emotional walls that can keep us from connecting with our own experiences and the people around us.
The most common inner conflicts arise from thwarting our instincts. These foundational systems generate intense feelings to guide us. Jung identified multiple instincts: creativity, reflection, activity, sexuality, and hunger. He added the religious instinct to describe how humans naturally generate symbolic systems to link their waking state to the deep unconscious. Freud detailed the multiple symptoms that arise from repressed sexuality, from phobias to hysterical blindness. Jung agreed but understood that thwarting any one of our natural responses would rob us of vitality and distort our adaptation to reality.
Cultural expectations, individual trauma, religious demands, and family patterns can convince our waking personality that any one of our instincts is dangerous. When we are overwhelmed by these inner conflicts, we will likely deploy primal defenses like dissociation or acting out. If we can find a more adaptive stance, we will likely intellectualize the conflict or even find it humorous. The goal is not to banish all defenses; we need to manage our exposure to the intensity of life but to discover self-management strategies that allow us to remain effective even under stress.
HERE'S THE DREAM WE ANALYZE:
It's nighttime, and I'm playing with my children outside, somewhere like the bottom porch of a two-story building. Suddenly, I notice men, possibly soldiers, carrying dead bodies next to us up the stairs. I don't know what to do. My children haven't noticed, so I let them continue playing. The next thing I know, one of the soldiers is carrying my son up the stairs over his shoulders, and my husband is carrying a dead body into our house on the adjacent side of the street. The man tosses my son onto a pile of dead bodies on the second-floor porch. I thankfully make it just in time to catch him as he slips off the pile of corpses. Looking up at the room of men on the second floor (the soldier who took my son is in the middle, looking at me with 3 or 4 other soldiers around him), I yell and try to insult them with something like, "What have you blown your brains out? How stupid can you be?!"
UNLOCK THE SECRETS OF YOUR DREAMS: Dream School provides a gently paced program with live interactive webinars, an uplifting online community, thought-provoking audio modules, and guided journaling to deepen your experience. Lisa, Deb, and Joe crafted the program with you in mind and companion you through the process. “Step-by-step, we’ll teach you how to interpret your dreams.” Join the revolution of consciousness! Join Dream School and Transform Your Sleep into the Greatest Adventure of Your Life: thisjungianlife.com/join-drea...
MEET LISA IN COLUMBUS OHIO on October 13 & 14, 2023
The Power of Dreamwork - Friday Night Lecture (October 13 from 7 to 8:30 PM) and Saturday Workshop (October 14 from 9:30 AM to Noon)
www.jungcentralohio.org/event...
PLEASE GIVE US A HAND: Hey folks, we need your help. Please become our patron and keep This Jungian Life podcast up and running: / thisjungianlife
SHARE YOUR DREAM WITH US: Submit your dream for a possible podcast interpretation: thisjungianlife.com/share-you...
SUGGEST A FUTURE PODCAST TOPIC: Share your suggestions: thisjungianlife.com/podcast-f...
YES, WE HAVE MERCH! www.zazzle.com/store/thisjung...
![Megan Thee Stallion - Otaku Hot Girl [Official Audio]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/USxIYOaIpig/mqdefault.jpg)
I’m living for Joseph’s new slick transitions to dream school 🤣
😂😂😂 🙌🏻
To tell oneself ‘that’s just how humans are’, is a strategy. Great chat though, thank you.
Your story of the princess, the raven, the fish & the sea hare is totally me! I always subconsciously pick men that would not be good partners - spies, cold-distant men, 3-time losers, so that I’ll never have to worry about the relationship going to a long-term thing. Then, I don’t have to get hurt & my heart stomped on or allow myself to fall in love.
I can identify with your statement, unfortunately.
It’s a great podcast as it continues. I really am appreciating the talk about defensiveness. This is a continual struggle in some (esp one relationship), where unfortunately the other person continuously has shown contempt, and I just have to end it, my psyche is damaged and I refuse to allow myself to be damaged further) by someone who appears to be disingenuous with me, etc, yet continues to call me. It’s not healthy and I’m unfortunately not able to resolve this relationship and bring it to anything meaningful, but of course that would take both of us to bring it to a meaningful relationship. The contempt (relationship shredder), has continually impaired, and poisoned any love and caring. It’s one big unfortunate failure.
My favorite episode of this month! Thank you Lisa for insisting on it. I also found the dream analysis at the end really good!
I avoided this episode... And this says a lot to me.
I'm watching it right now and I find so many wise and helpful pointers which address the reflective side of me. The fact that reflection, as a jungian category, is an instinct is a revelation in and of itself. And the way that enfolds through the conversation is exceptional. It gives me some important stepping stones to walk in the right direction. For the initial coping mechanism of ego defence not to turn into a character trait. How else can we allow for growth to happen?
Thank you Lisa, Deb and Joseph for your insights. Thank you @ThisJungianLife
There is an *entity* to which I relate, and that entity seemingly relates to me. I have asked - is that entity 'The Source' , Creator, Goddess, the supernatural ? Since there is no proof of anything, I'm content to keep that magic alive.
I think the dream has something to do with the phrase “lives lost.” All the ways the dreamer’s trauma (ptsd analogy reflected in the presence of the soldiers) has caused loss of all the potential lives she could’ve had. Her son is about to be another casualty and she doesn’t want that, it’s alarming to her. Husband also having to do heavy lifting to help clean up the aftermath of whatever war happened to her.
Just don't want to get hurt again. So buy pushing people away I stay safe. Lonely but safe.
Thank you guys
God bless
Thank you so much!!!
I find this so interesting and helpful. Thank you for making these discussions available for everyone. I am unable financially to become a patron but if my circumstances were different, I would. Do you invite dreams from non patrons? I have a strange dream from about 10 years ago I have often been curious how others might interpret. Thanks again for your wonderful content.
Thanks 🙏. I feel heard. Looks like I have a troll on internet, thanks for educating me about this, I didn’t know anything about it. 57:26 admitting responsibility to the other person and tell them “I care that you’re upset” if they care this is all that it takes to turn the page. Probably the trust won’t be available but many things can be resolved right there. The injured one doesn’t feel ignored and used and the other one can access peace of mind and stop calling them words continuously. Sometimes things are easier than we expected. This is a step forward to maturity. A great opportunity to upgrade oneself. Thanks Lisa for convincing Deb and Joseph to talk about this. I have a little request, I actually posted it in the Anima/mus video: how do you differentiate your Deeper Inner Other (masculine in my case) from the Animus? Can both be reached out through active imagination or only when they present themselves in dreams? Thanks for your generosity and curated knowledge. Also, thanks for creating a safe place here.
Now in my 50s (with several years of analysis), I have met very very few people who are not deeply defended against moving outside of their own narrative. I wonder if that narrative is surrounded moat of anxiety and rage that is just too much to face.
Hands down best episode yet ever ❤
12:05 Reminded of a snarky meme: "I'm sorry I'm late, I didn't want to come"
Wow that B train story.. I just .. being ten minutes late to class isn't ideal but for some of us that's a good day 😂 brains are different that's for sure
Wealth by aliens. Kind of mad I didn’t think of that first. Sounds more understandable than nft’s and crypto.
An aside: my therapist tells
me that I want to be seen and yearn for connection which is true, but send mixed signals… I don’t really know how not to. Very armored on several levels ugh. But I’m determined to work on it… and really do want all kinds of connections!
Even worse looking for work, those cogs and wheels grind you to dust while no one cares at all.
Do you think there is a path to relief on the otherside of trained defense in the form of readiness missions I experienced as an Air Force officer. Everything is 'What if..: or prevention. My defenses kick in long before something happens and I am not so sure it's coming from the ego. I have an unnatural or supernatural psychic trained 'instinct' that I wrestle with. No more relationships for me unfortunately. I did a super great job stopping a critical incident before it got of the ground when I was active duty 13years ago this month. I am an honorable veteran with a permanent and total Gulf War psychosis compensated disability. It is satisfying receiving VA compensation after a long nine year process of denials. I really liked the crescendo effect of the end of your video concluding with a simple yet powerful statement that you are satisfied. That really sparked something in me. I think I will ask myself in that term ' Hi ego and that specially trained self are we all three satisfied?' 😉 Maybe this will integrate my experiences.
I find family the hardest to deal with. Love and hurt.
As someone who cannot read maps-I keep getting lost even with Google maps on and I both ask for help and laugh at myself all the time because I managed to let go of all the shame surrounding that weakness of mine.
I recently learned about the "Root Star Chakra" it may help you to work with that.
I think that Tolkien supported the idea of fantasy as an escape to rebut some of his realist critics. Can stories inspire us to face our struggles with courage and the skills we must use to face life on its terms? I think the defense mechanism of denial is one of the biggest ways our ego denies its vulnerability, its fallibility.
For me, alot of my defenses stem from what Deborah mentioned where there has had to have been sufficient "holding" for one to be vulnerable. Like for myself, I never had that. And the ironic thing is I TRIED SO OFTEN TO BE VULNERABLE but it was usually not met, i was blamed, ignored, shunned, abandoned, or it's just like the person was unable to hear me. So it's just like after a while, it's internalized, no one's gonna be there for me so I have to go it alone. Which really hurts, but it's just what else is one to do but keep moving forward?
At the core of my vulnerability, I think, perhaps, there is a fear of abandonment, as well as a fear of being harmed - not protected and being cared for.
❤❤❤
Three shamans, three elders, three people I trust
Thumbnail goes hard
8:45 List of some of the defenses we use
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️💛
Only remember two dreams in my almost64 years
Npd's or narcissists, mean, cruel, if you have ever had a close relationship with these people, you would know how miserable it is to be around them, Scott-Peck wrote about em, People of the Lie, my family members are such people and I would go as far as to say evil lives amongst us, I had the same childhood but I do not take it out on anyone in the despicable games they play! This lady has never known this type of personbut the other younger woman has some idea maybe!
💯💯💯
I thought the soldiers, possibly represented her defense mechanisms and consequences of not healing the trauma that causes the causalities. The males in her life appear to be most vulnerable to their effects. And she says oh you’re blowing your brains out The self sabotage defense,mechanism continuing if not addressed. Seems like opportunity to start looking inside her for the side of the Soldiers be there to protect her.