🙋🙋🙋me too...my brother is the golden kid...funny thing is in my family the roles reversed. When i was showing signs of success, I was the golden kid but i started to struggle in career & he went ahead of me so now I'm the scapegoat because I'm practically useless.
True. The golden child often become Psychotic & this includes brilliant intellectual minded golden children. Ex family scape goat here. I watched 2 siblings go full blown Psychotic & one go full blown Narcissist & we had no parental protection. Both parents were violent. To end this on a happy note though, I found self respect in adulthood & self love. That's what's important. The rest history.
I was the golden child and I protected my siblings from our abuser. As best I could anyway... Maybe try dealing with the resentment instead of dragging it around with you wherever you go?
Exactly! As long as I pleased them, they stopped harassing me for a moment. The problem is they want more and more as times goes by. The end is my death. I know if I die, they will use my death for making stories.
I was the golden child. But, the day I started doing things I mom didn't like or approve, I was suddenly the most hated and bratty person in the family. It was super confusing and hurtful. But it was also eye opening. I realized I am only valued when I do something for them, so now I have build boundaries and holding them. Still struggling with it but so glad I can see the family for what it is and dropped all my expectations.
I was the golden child and I dared marry a guy my NM did t approve of..and I have dared to stay (mostly) happily married for 35 years to that much abhorred man who stole her golden child. I am constantly flipping between good daughter bad daughter status for my entire married life..never know when I’m gonna cross the line and be the bad daughter although I often dare to just cross that line and stay there! 🫢
Those roles our narcissistic parents gave us fluctuate amongst their children. It is super confusing and done on purpose. The whole family is involved to attack one person. It is worse when they get the cops involved. My family stayed silent when the police were called on me. I was talking crap to the police because I was still protecting them, but when I was going to tell them about my sibling's behavior one started to tell me to shut the f up repeatedly. He didn't let me speak. He's still dealing drugs even after going to prison twice and was almost deported. He didn't want to get arrested again for having drugs on him as he rushed to leave with his kid. They are willing to talk crap about you, but then don't tell on themselves.
Congratulations on this!🎉😃 It went about the same as when my twin was the golden child and did something our narcissist parent didn't like. We were adults by then. Me, the scapegoat, was manipulated into blaming her and hating her for something she did. After I heard her side of the story, I calmed down and realised...this is all just one huge drama. As always I tried to solve the entire problem for them, even though it had got nothing to do with me. They wheeled me in very easy back then. But this all happened before I got aware and conscious about all the psychological issues in my family. We (twin and I) then tried to have a relationship apart from the parent, like Dr. Ramani said. Took a while for my twin to cut contact to the parent. Sadly it didn't end well. My twin turns out to be a narcissist themselves. I have no contact to the family I grew up in. And it's for the better. I am finally free to be myself!
ive been fighting 20 years, but now i realized that my mom doesn't even want me around so I'm finally free i can be around her but get my emotional needs met by interacting with my child and other people who don't try to play mind games or control my thinking its freeing to know despite cultural expectations to dote on parents if the parents leave you alone you can live with them but not "with them" in terms of boundaries and staying outside as much as possible, living more independently
Remember fellow scapegoats, if you're making the narcissist angry, you're probably doing something that's good for yourself. Obviouisly don't set out to cause anger as a goal, but if taking care of you requires that the narcissist get angry, so be it.
Thought: My getting a present narc angry would hurt their young children. Then I think, they are already being used as pawns to get alienate me. So it would be better to bow out and hope for reconnect at some point later. But its very hard. Either way, said narc, will likely be angry.
I tended to defend myself and stand my ground. But it's dangerous and leads to nothing. All my life I thought I had to fight for acknowlegment. It is draining. Until I realized I'd rather turn away from everyone who doesn't acknowlegment me and make room for people who naturally do :-)
You’re right narc would be angry. My narc acted nice around others but told my kids I needed one upside my head. I always confronted him by phone-safer- when he used the kids. I had visitation dec making power - he lost 1 of his reg weekly visits permanently. Also documented, informed my lawyer, didn’t give him an inch when he was using the kids. One thing about reconnecting with a narc - it doesn’t get better- it gets dangerously worse. They tell you, you’ll be back, can’t lives without them. When you return- to them it means they are right regardless of your reason for returning. And they increase their control.
@@sandra8991 Defend yourself is exactly what they're trying to get you to do, and no matter how you do so, you'll be wrong, regardless of reality. Nobody has any claim on your time or your feelings. It's disgusting that the price for interacting with someone is accepting their abuse. Good riddance!
I definitely got some of this. At home I was dangerous, stupid, and violent. Outside I was intelligent, kind and caring. The quality "oh he sometimes misinterprets things or uses the wrong words, sorry if what he said disturbed you, he didn't mean it" remained in public to go along with the constant gaslighting at home. I suppose that's what happens when you'll just blurt out to your teacher that you were kicked so hard in the back that it threw you to the floor and gave you a nosebleed. Apparently it was effective though.
Your comment has a ring of familiarity, but my public role as a golden child was narrowly constrained to my academic performance. My older sister was the bubbly, talkative, easy to get along with child that my stepmother preferred, but as the "good student" I gave her a certain amount of second hand glory. Since this was my only source of approval in the family, I felt that I had to get A's on my report card. Anything less, even a B, felt like failure.
I was scapegoat and invisible. As an adult I’m now invisible mostly. I move away years ago. Limited contact. Listening to these videos and awareness of this dysfunction is critical to my healing. Thank you Dr Ramani!
We have 2 things in common: raised as the scapegoat and invisible. I wonder where your life has taken you, with this as your base. I too left their physical presence ages ago but that just turned me into being invisible. When did you start learning about these roles we were playing?
Same. As the eldest and the only girl, I was just the one who was there to look after everyone else’s emotional needs while mine were just ignored. Made sure I behaved all the time and helped my mother best I could. I tried to get my two brothers to behave too so as not to provoke narc father (middle one was golden child and youngest was scapegoat who was blamed for everything). Until I became a teenager when I started making more of a fuss and getting involved in parents’ arguments to shut them up, trying to stand up for myself... that was likely me starting to rebel (slightly) and had enough of all the shit and of never being listened to 😂
I'm the family scapegoat. Anytime, even as a child, that I objected to some injustice, unfairness, in the family I was accused of being a trouble maker, of trying to start a fight. I once asked my dad why he hated me so much. His answer was that I, "had a big mouth." Translation -- I was a truth-teller; I refused to go along with the family facade -- the lie that was presented to the outside world. I'm also an empath. That might be true of a lot of scapegoats.
I was the “back talker” because I was always challenging my narc father. I don’t think my mother left the mentality of being the abused wife, so even to her I’m still the scapegoat at times. Being the scapegoat made me challenge how a lot of people think (which made it great for my career, not so much for family relations). I’m still left out of a lot of family gatherings because even though I won’t challenge them at inappropriate times, I do at appropriate times.
I'm married to the scapegoat and the way he STILL doubts himself and lacks confidence is so sad. His family would lock him in a closet, even in adulthood when I visited his family they would ignore him when he spoke. Being a scapegoat within the family system really sets one up perfectly for paranoia, social anxiety and so many other issues. Psychological abuse leaves so many deep scars.
for me i did not give in to the roll in life jobs or other and i became not what others were. and i was happy and a billy jack for kids. i ws set upon by persons and brain damage and my life i worked so hard for taken down. wicked sister evil people dirty games and family sat and listen to me die, nothing i did in life htey failed at ws rewarded and the siste wanted me to go down.
Not only was I the scapegoat when I was a child, but now as an adult my golden child sister grew up to be a narcissist, just like my mother is. I am very happy that I cut contact with them
This must be a pattern. My golden child brother has also grown up to be a narcissist. When I finally learned about narcissists and that my mother was one, I wanted to tell all of my siblings. I poured out to my golden child brother about all the ways she has hurt me. All he said as a reply was “well she didn’t do those things to me”. When I mentioned clear disrespectful things she has done to me he said “she’s doing the best she can, just focus on the positive things about her”. I’m about ready to cut him off
I was around 9 years old when I came from public school, walked myself home(around 15 minutes) and found the door locked. I didn't have a phone so I couldn't call anyone. There was no note left to say where everyone was. I finished school at 2:30pm... My mother and my siblings all older, came home at 8:00pm at night...from a wedding party they had gone to... I was outside and it was so cold, I even had to crouch alone somewhere and tucked my hands and feet in the school clothes I was wearing. They just got home and casually said they were at a party, I was pissed and confused at how they could forget me like that... This woman gave BIRTH to me... I have a son now too at 22... I COULDN'T imagine forgetting him to attend a party, leaving him unprotected and cold.. I just could never. At 22, I have figured her out.. she is toxic and narcissistic..but once I realised this... She no longer had ammo...I don't care anymore, I do what I want and fully ignore what she says lol it's great... At the end of the day, those that get hurt by narcissists are people who are expecting more from that narcissist and believe the momentary nice image they may portray... I don't believe her anymore at all... I see her for the sick person that she is. And I have never felt free my entire life until I realised this a few months ago... To realise it I first dated and married a narcissist and since my experience I can see narcissism in certain people and I feel as though I have a power now... No one can play me mentally anymore because I know the game.
Jewelrybee Kay, good for you. I got locked out at 12 years old because they didn’t want me on a weekend vacation to Niagara Falls. They came back and showed me photographs of all the fun they had. You know to keep quiet because a fight is waiting for you. I’m with you that I could never do that to anyone either.
I had a therapist ask me one time, “describe your siblings starting with your oldest brother”. I said, ‘golden child” followed by describing myself as the scapegoat, my next brother is the invisible child and my youngest brother the class clown. the therapist said, “congratulations, you just described a textbook description of a dysfunctional family”.
@@lauragrolla5916 no, it wasn’t dismissive because I had developed a good relationship with her by then. And yes, it did help to know it was that “textbook description”. Also, her comment prompted me to do more reading/research on birth order, so it was all good for me.
Wow. In my case...Big bro is the man of the family and is to uphold the family line. Second big bro is well..disabled and has special needs from birth so therefore free SSI money for mom monthly. Little bro is the GOLDEN CHILD. As for me? I'm the third son aka second youngest and I'm the scape goat child. I fight back and stand my ground when my mom will try to pick on me when I was a teenager. Sometimes I wish my dad was still alive because I believe if he was alive he would keep my mom under control.
Indy1984 The thing is I do put up firm boundaries. But my narc mom doesn’t respect them. Phone calls always end in tears and accusations. My dad barely has anything to do with me. I’m to a point where I think no contact might be best for my healing. Thank you for your words of encouragement ❤️
Courtney, me too. I gave them every opportunity for mature adult conduct. Then I cut them off with no regrets. Things were complicated by a parent’s addictions. Same old hamster wheel. I respectfully disagree with “working on your boundaries”. As a matter of principle, I won’t change anything about me to fix a manipulative person. It doesn’t work anyway. They are dedicated to the status quo at any cost. Leave them to it.
Courtney go grey rock and low contact. Sounds like your still answering phone calls and engaging in JADE’ing. (Justifying, arguing, denying, and explaining). Narcs have no control over you if you control the narrative.
As a golden child I turned into an empath. Always reading the room and accommodating everyone else. Being what others want me to be, to make them look good. As I break the patterns I am falling from grace. Thank you for your insights.
Same here. 100 percent. As I learn more about narciistic family roles, I see a pattern of the golden child is often villanized for getting the praise, and understandbly so. But what the other roles fail to see is the deep guilt and shame that we have for being unnecessarily put on a pedestal and always knowing inherently that we could never satisfy our parent's desires, no matter how much we tried. Couple that with the inner guilt we feel for being favored over our other siblings, through no choice of our own, and it's all a recipe for deep shame, guilt, and not good enoughness. Nobody comes out unscathed when raised under the abuse of a narcissistic parent.
I called that the "one out rule". Someone had to be out of grace from the family. Never ever more than one at a time. But always someone, repeating between all the children who weren't golden children.
Another interesting thing- when the N is alone and not supported by the enabling damily member(s), all of a sudden you are no long Er the scapegoat, but almost a friend…. It’s like the scary dragon becomes a tiny mouse… and you almost feel a sad sort of love for them. I pray that none of us are or become N’s … and even now N’s be freed from their chambers of delusion and isolation 🙏
As a scapegoat, I got beaten the most physically and emotionally. Ganged upon etc. I've decided to go no contact best choice I've ever made. Its what worked for me. Currently in therapy :)
I made the same decision about my birth family and no regrets. I'm now dealing with narcissism again through my adult child's spouse. Grandchildren are pawns.
I did as well. My sister, the Golden Child was protected from my mom and my invisible sister was protected from my dad. But they never protected me from worst of each other. Im still suffering today. My mother will stop at nothing to make my life miserable.
It sucks to be the scapegoat. Being ganged up on, always made to feel like everything is your fault, and never feeling like you belong. I didn’t even know what love was until I met my girlfriend and got into therapy
U are not alone! Same situation here. I consider myself lucky now because i have my husband with me and he can see and made me realize how narcissistic my mother is.
I know tell me about it!! It does have lasting effects.unfortnatly it took me long time to recognise just by simply removing myself from the environment.had not fixed me.as a scapegoat I was still there in my head.in life situation s, unfortunately tolerated far more than needed to due to upbringing..only things only clicked in therapy.which was recent in 40s.🙈
Omg the way you describe the scapegoat... I didn't even realise that having the ability of 'knowing' from a young age is what made me the target. 😭 I'm bawling
What truly hurts as a scapegoat is the feeling of voicelessness, that your pain seems to remain invisible, the cause of your suffering incommunicable, that sometimes you wish you rather had some physical mark on you instead so others would see and better understand
Even with physical and sexual assault .. I was invisible. My sexual assault was my fault .. it lasted from 4-9yrs old .. but apparently: I wanted it! I was blamed for it .. I was taught young that I can’t speak because it’s always my fault .. my mom would beat me if I said I was assaulted so I stopped saying a word .. then physically assaulted? I was hidden .. I was asked to keep quiet .. to avoid further abuse .. I tried to seek help but somehow.. I have my parents with their glowing image so I was exaggerating or I deserved it. I hate where I am because I ran away and made a life then 2 years ago .. my dad surfaced in my life and I said no to be physically assaulted. I got restraining order .. after I spent 5 days in the hospital .. but he managed to stalk me enough to assault me again and now that broke me I told the police but without evidence that he was near me .. nothing happened to him. And that truly why I am having ptsd .. panic attacks and anxiety .. I hate it
@@ABirdOnTheMoon that's really hard , i want u too know i believe you , its hard but u' ve got this ,perhaps try to get help from somewhere else where they dont k ur parents ( a professional who isnt biased), or try learning how u could help urself on the daily if u havent already , i believe u and believe in you, u've got this ❤❤
@@ABirdOnTheMoon i am so sorry. your dad will eventually pay when he stands in front of the just judge, God. he will also be subject to other shit while he is still alive that you may never see. your abuse was never your fault! dont let any of this break you, darling. i never had sexual abuse, not really, but i had everything else. get a good therapist and/or church (keep trying different churches if you are unhappy), and protect yourself at almost all costs. take care of yourself, babe. make sure you avail yourself of every help available. be kind to yourself. Jesus loves you.
Haha right? My husband was all "dang has she been following you around with a notepad or something". 😂 At least we have this platform, these videos, these comments. We had to live in darkness before. Feels like such a blessing. ☺️ Have a good weekend!
I was a scapegoat for sure. What’s eerie is I remember from age 12 saying words like “I’m not your doormat!” or “I’m not your scapegoat!” to my parents because I got so sick of getting wiped on all of the time. I was the object of everyone’s wrath if they were having a bad day to the point where I could FEEL IT by just walking in the room if someone wasn’t happy. Of course in that case, I was responsible for fixing them so that I would not catch the wrath.
Usually, the golden child is the one that turns into a narcissist and carries the family tradition on to the next generation. The scapegoat child is the one that usually escapes the narcissistic family system at some point and has a better life in the end. Based on my observations of 2 generations of my family
In my family the opposite happend.the Golden child decided that the didn't want that role.And the scapegoat though she left the family,became the narc of hers.
lia kara wow... your experience is exactly the opposite of what I’ve noticed consistently in my family. My generation is the 3rd generation of this toxic cycle that I’ve been observing, and I’ve been the scapegoat kid since about 9. My sibling is the golden child. I can see them developing narcissistic traits, meanwhile all the years of abuse I’ve had to endure made me start seeing a good therapist who helped me see what narcissists are and the torture I was subjected to made me take therapy and this disorder very seriously, so now I’m the one breaking away and leaving, while I’m pretty sure my sibling will never ever leave. So for 3 generations in my family this rule has held true. But there was 1 case in my family where the golden child ran off in their teens and another child became the narcissist. I think it does happen, but it’s very rare.
monkeybearmax hurts when that happens doesn’t it? I used to be very close to my sibling (the golden child) and now I see them developing narcissistic traits and I don’t dare get too close or have normal expectations you’d have in healthy relationships. It hurts to know you’re slowly going to lose the best friend you ever had growing up because they’re becoming something they would never have been if it weren’t for people who should never have been allowed to become parents.
monkeybearmax hey, I’m sorry to hear that you feel that way. If it helps, you really aren’t alone in what you’re experiencing. Every person who discovers this about their family systems and leaves goes through this period of feeling a bit lost and lonely. This is totally normal, even if it hurts, let the pain wash over you, don’t deny it or suppress it, because the pain will actually help you recognise how wrong the system you grew up in was and how good it is you got out of it. You’ll eventually get to a point where you start to realise that there are a lot of good people in this world and that having romantic and platonic relationships that are good for you is much better than having a family that destroys you and everything you worked for. The important thing is for you to start becoming totally independent now and self reliant. Emotionally self-sufficient, psychologically self-healing and mentally independent. This is an important foundation stone to base the rest of who you are going to be on. Once you’ve got this established, no one will be able to fuck with you in the future. It takes time, but it does happen slowly. So don’t give up hope, okay? I don’t want to come across preachy or force anything on you, but these are experiences I’ve gone through and if this helps anyone at all then that’s good. That’s why we’re all here after all, we’re a community of victims learning to thrive now. 😊
I grew up a lonely child, carrying the weight of a single narcissistic mother and being the scapegoat/invisible. When I turned 13 my mother's partner became my step dad and he became the enabler, martyr, co dependent. Him and I used to tag team each other to bring relief to each other when the weight became to heavy to bear. My mother became jealous of our silent understanding and he became her flying monkey and they both tag teamed against me. Crazy, manipulating gaslighting, smearing, denial, etc...Very distressing. My step dad is still in denial and I went NC to low contact years ago with my mother to maintain my sanity to this day.
It took me til today to realize I’ve been the scapegoat. I’ve always been blamed for everything, they all gang up on me during family gatherings and when I point it out they gaslight me. I’ve tried being the bigger person but at this point I’m exhausted. They’re the reason for my mental health problems which they’ve excused as nothing more than me needing attention. In return I struggle with finding help because I downplay it all as nothing more than a bad day or week. I can’t deal with this anymore
You are not alone Armando. Maybe you need to cut ties and maybe keep them cut. I wish I had, like joined the Army or something and kept myself away as much as possible. Please just don't give up. We scapegoats have a lot of gifts that really need to be spread around. I worked with incarcerated women and found that I was uniquely qualified to do this. May our Father in heaven bless you with strength and wisdom.
I am in the same situation as regards family . But I used all their gaslighting to my advantage, by having a tougher skin & making money . In otherwise, ignored them & their gaslighting as an adult & regard all this as background noise. Just find good pipo in the world of billions of pipo & move on. " Sucess is the best revenge " says Oprah Winfrey.
I was the scapegoat. The golden child went to uni and dropped out, didn’t even finish the first year. The golden child is a “scientist”. I did five years of law school including a masters and im a “failure”. Go figure. 🤷♀️
Scapegoat here 🙋🏼♀️. Narcissist: mother It’s scary how good she is at manipulating and convincing others of a false truth. I knew something was wrong with my mother at a very young age. Some people catch on to who she is in a couple decades. Others...they never realize. I miss the mother I’ve always longed for.
Plot twist! When the scapegoat learns how to spot the game early on then, turns the tables by getting a MS in Psychology all the while keeping my knowledge on the low!
That is fantastic! Well done. I am the scapegoat and my golden child sister became the psychologist - which has only furthered my abuse now she’s backed by her degree. Ugh
My sister used to be a scapegoat just like me. Now, she is the brainwashed golden child who completely assimilated to our mother’s nonsense. Me and our younger brothers are still scapegoats. I have faith that I will be a whole-person one day.
That's the only problem I have that psychologists will say remember that the poor golden child is also a victim of narc parents except a lot of times they are accomplices and will hurt the scapegoat. I have no remorse for the golden child in my family they are trash.
Yes!! It changes sometimes. I was sometimes golden, other times scapegiared. There were 4 of us so it depended on who was doing what at the time, that depended on how our narc mum treated us.
@@leahflower9924 For me, I see my golden child brother as both. He was brainwashed but never saw the light like I did (I was a scapegoat and thought I deserved it). I think he still believes our parents are good and all the other bullshit they told us all our lives and thought they were right, and that I deserved all the guilt-tripping. But none of that absolves him from the wrongs he committed in their name and the abusive hell he put me through. None of this is to invalidate your experience, because others in my system completely agree with you. I'm just offering another perspective ♥️ - Limmy
I was/am the golden child of two narcissistic parents. I am officially stepping down from that role. I do not have contact with my dad as it is unsafe. My mom on the other hand is seeing the change in me and is incredibly vicious and trying all the angles to “get me”. But I’ve got me now. I see her.
GREAT for you!! Stay strong and keep those boundaries up! I'm not sure which I am but both parents aren't people I am safe being around. I put ME first now & forever!
Did you ever think that maybe you turned out to be narcissistic yourself? I think I've been the golden child, now live abroad and NC work my narc mother, but I'm starting to see narcissistic traits in myself lately after having been involved in a rustic relationship for a few months a little while back. Thanks :)
I was a nervous wreck from age 6 as the scapegoat. When I left the house, I became invisible. 50 years later, I carry the guilt, flashbacks and terror. F them
Hey, it's alright. People recover at a different pace from one another. You have to remind yourself that as an adult now, you have the freedom you most likely didn't have as a 6 year old child to. You can make your own choices and be who you want to be. Don't and never give up on that.
I was the golden child growing up. Then I had really healthy relationships show me that my mom was extremely narcissistic. When my eyes finally were opened I took an IMMEDIATE fall now I am very much the scapegoat. I took the red pill and I will never EVER go back.
Same story here. Becoming a dad and my loving wife opened my eyes! I would also never EVER go back. I can't! Once you saw it, it can't be unseen anymore.
I was the golden child and my sister was the scapegoat/invisible child then she had children and our dad switched us except now she can’t see how toxic he is. This is really hard since our mother died and can no longer protect us, I didn’t even realize who he was until she died.
Same here. I was the golden child, also. I became scapegoat. I dealt with codependency, people pleasing and no boundaries. I'm slowly doing better on my own.
Invisible child here. I asked my mom once why she left me alone as a child (that's a serious understatement of her neglect but you don't tick off a narcissistic parent) and she said something to the effect that I never got in trouble and I didn't come to her so she assumed I was okay . . . In spite of the fact that at the age of 8 I went from a child who ran everywhere, all smiles, to reading books in my room after I was SA 'd. Both my parents "noticed" that I had changed and even had a discussion about getting me help because I was so withdrawn. Yeah, that never happened. I'm the truth teller who no one wants to listen to in my family. I've learned not to poke the bee hive - they all sting you if you poke at it. Most of my siblings (four living) are narcissistic to one degree or another. I am uncomfortable getting attention. Academics has always been where I have gotten attention. However, I've reached an age (62) where that has become very uncomfortable because I know I'm not the smartest person in the room - I'm one among many. More often than not, I don't know how to be comfortable as anything other than invisible. That's a dynamic I know how to navigate.
@Robin Laber Me as well. To say “it’s no fun” is the understatement of the decade. I’d happily be part of a self-help group for former invisible children. I can completely an utterly identify with every word you wrote!
I was also the invisible one and feel everything you say. Just became self aware of my narcissistic mom. It will be a long journey but rn I can’t stop crying everyday. I’m matching sooo many things to soo many npd patterns…. I have bumps on my forehead and misshaped skull bc she said I fell off the bed. She said I was the easy baby that all I needed was a bottle. I can only imagine how many times I needed to fall before I had a deformed forehead. When I had my boys she told me don’t worry they will be fine. Babies are hard to kill….. I was never noticed as a child so I stopped talking for long time. Maybe they’ll notice now… But still no one noticed. I would hide for hours maybe they would come looking. No one came…
@@scho637omg.... my heart rate just doubled I too was Invisible Child I lived in an alcoholic home everything was a secret so there was no talking in the family and they weren't shy about not talking or even acknowledging me I was truly invisible I was the trouble child looking for attention I also hid in the basement in my closet not until you mentioned it did I realize I was waiting to be noticed thank you another piece of the puzzle
My mom is a massive narc and my dad is her enabler. He will usually try to humiliate me when he's trying to show her he's a "good husband". My mom cut my long hair when I was sleeping when I was 7 years old because she was jealous of how long my hair was, claiming it was "baby hair and unmanageable". (I'm black so hair is super important to us). She put a bucket hat on me for two years and everyone I went to school with thought I had cancer for years. I stopped speaking and almost lost my voice because of this. My brother (the golden child) totaled his car (his fault, not the other driver) so my parents just GAVE him my car and I had to buy myself another car. I just went no contact with my family two weeks ago and I have never felt happier.
My narcissistic mother is a demon in disguise has done so much harm to me I also went no contact 5 years ago and the dysfunctional family, don't go back ever! Blessings your way.
I was a golden child that became a scapegoat in recent years. Having once been a golden child, I know how fake the seemingly good relationship between a parent and golden child can be. It's so sad. But I have such a newfound respect for those in my family that have been scapegoats for years.
thatemilygirl True and it sometimes makes me deeply sad . I am no longer in contact with my sibling .My sibling is gaslighting saying things an Facebook and to relatives.I don’t know what to do but not talking has made life so peaceful
All the time .My sibling tries to make a big deal of birthday and stuff but the basic nature is so cold that the whole thing is more scary than festive !
And if I made one of them proud, the other would make me invisible or start trying to tear me down in other areas, it was like I was a pinball never knowing what 2 expect and always someone unhappy about what I was doing. If my Dad was proud my Mother was jealous. Always.
I was both the invisible and scapegoated child: nothing I did-accolades, wealth, success-got even a congratulations. At the same time I was ganged up on by everyone. A very strange dynamic.
i was invisible so I don't have any identity, but I'm surviving this boring menial life and I got a child she said I could never get married or have a child but she got me married off what is that
Ex-golden child here. When I stood up to the abuse, when I finally mentioned and realized how cruel my family was being to me, I instantly became a scapegoat. Narcissistic parents hate being wronged and will completely refuse that they are wrong, thus turning you into the scapegoat. I used to change my personality and mannerisms just to appease my parents standards, making me feel less like an individual. I had so little time to individualize in my childhood that I never got the chance to feel like a real person. Upon hearing that, it took years to confront them, but that ultimately did nothing sadly.
Yes, your experience is very similar to mine. As soon as I started to become my own person as a teenager and realised that things weren't right and started to push back, the emotional abuse began. It went on until I was in my 40's. In the end I became estranged. My mother died just over two years ago and I'm trying to work through the trauma and heal. I'm working with a therapist and now have a solid understanding and clarity about the situation. It's helped hugely.
Hey! Ex-golden child here as well and I turned into an invisible child instead of scapegoat but my mom did try to give the scapegoat lable to me.i paid a huge price including being beaten up to the point of bleeding and leaving the house for several months for few time😅.anyways I'm happy with being invisible now because now I suffer less😅😅😅
Confronting any narcissists unfortunately is useless. They suck the energy out of you and never will own up to anything. I'm glad we know what they are so we can decide what to do going forward dealing with these horrible people. So what if they are blood? It's not an excuse for them to abuse us.
Growing up in a family dynamic like this is beyond bizarre and heartbreaking for the children. You either get away and stay away or you are sucked in for life.
I totally agree. I cut all ties with my narcissistic dad last year. No contact at all anymore. I have blocked him on my phone and everything. My son has nothing to do with him at all now either. I found out I have Complex PTSD. I also have fibromyalgia and rls and neuropathy, and OCD. Relationship issues my whole life. I have to tell you all something though. I'm doing so so much better every day and the longer I stay away from my dad, the better I'm getting. I've been listening to audio on Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. If you ever want to really learn about yourself and who you really have been your whole life, this book blew me away!!! I found it on Amazon. Sending out prayers to all of you who are going thru anything like me. 🙏🙏🙏
@@LISA7-7 I can really relate to you and I sympathise with anyone with a narcissistic parent. It can make for a very unhappy childhood. It's impossible as a child to know what's going on and it was only much later, having severed ties with my controlling and manipulating mother, that I realised how tragically she affected the whole family. There were four of us and no father to moderate her behaviour or even help explain it. I'm still learning and putting pieces in the jigsaw now that these things are being openly discussed, such as realising that we were all alternately Golden Child and Scapegoat depending on her requirements at the time! I have just found this forum and feel that it's going to be very interesting and helpful. A child cannot understand that a parent does not love and want them but once I unwillingly accepted that reality, which was not until after she died, I could finally let myself be angry that she had made my early life a misery. She gaslighted me because I defied her plans for me and I essentially lost all my family. It's only decades later that I have managed to pick up the threads with two of my brothers and a favourite older cousin, and we can talk about it. The other brother seems to blame me for all his misfortunes because of her influence. I find that the hardest thing to forgive. Otherwise I've made a happy and successful life and found a wonderful and understanding husband and many good friends. Stay strong and work through it. There is so much help and guidance now, none when I was young. I am at peace with her memory and try to understand her and remember the good things about her. She had a hard life too and couldn't help her behaviour.
I'm the only one who stopped drinking the kool-aid when my mom died and now I'm the scapegoat. My mother's presence kept our narc somewhat neutralized, but not from her own kids. I hope to God more members wake up someday, until then, I've kept my kids away from them. We value true love on this limb of the family tree! Praying for all other children out there suffering from this type of abuse.
I was the scapegoat child and my brother was the golden child. (He moved 2000 miles away.) My sister is still trying to get my narcissistic mother’s (my father is codependent and an enabler) approval by taking care of her in her old age. I have finally escaped and refuse to be any part of this highly dysfunctional family. My healing begins.
At some level the scapegoat gets it. So true. We see thru the craziness of the family and because we r simply trying to b ourselves the parents decide not to love us.
Yep. My brother knew what the score was, and suffered more. But he saw the reality and had to reconcile with it. OTOH I'm the one that has the mid-life crisis when the facade begins to crumble. There are no winners in this game.
Yes! I’ve always had this weird relationship with my narcissistic mother. I just felt strange about her behavior and gaslighting. Because it felt like she was trying to trick me all the time. I knew there was something wrong tbh
@Metanoia It's interesting how you're continuing the cycle by elevating yourself & demeaning your sister by calling her evil. Why watch these videos if you're not going to use it to be a better person only to use it to learn new catchphrases like evil sociopath. Have you looked at yourself to see what kind of person does that to another, much less your own sister.
@@brownielove4389 Maybe her ex-scapegoat sister IS an evil sociopath. It's interesting how you latch rigidly onto a particular paradigm and wield it as a dogma from which no deviation is possible. These roles are an inductive generalization derived from aggregated data. Psychology isn't physics. You'd do well to ask questions first and shoot later when dealing with these matters.
Josh Slaton, glad you finally made the decision to go no contact.👍 Now to work on yourself, & let the healing begin. I really wish you all the best. My sister is a Narcissist so I'm waiting till the day my nephews & niece are able to break away from her. 😢
I was the scapegoat and the golden child, depending on my mother's mood that day. I learned pretty quick that the praise was always only a form of manipulation.
Yes! I dislike my one of my brothers more than anyone else I can think of. My mother is now dead but I don't even think the way I feel about her is the same as the way I despise him. He's deliberately cruel and enabled by his pathetic partner. I don't usually think about him but my sister has just been to see them over Xmas. I'm quite shocked by the strength of feeling.
@@chokinonashes61 .you are not alone. I simply hate the whole clan, one who gave birth to me and abused me before l could learn how to talk. Am the 1st born, the brother with girl parts is the golden child.sooooooo golden the mother separated from my ex dad to go live with him and his equally demonic wife. My ex sister who come's after him was soooooo good a flying monkey she graduated into an Ape. 7 years down the line l can't describe how they look like now. No contact. Cold war. Am not on any social media so they have no knowledge of which country l now live in.
I was the invisible child. I learned to fend for myself and never need anyone. The world is a sink or swim kind of place. I keep getting knocked down, but also keep getting back up on my own accord. Interesting how my golden child older brother is now using me because he can’t cut life on his own.
Im in the same exact situation, my younger brother is the golden child and leans on me for support when he already has it.. it boosts his ego or entitlement more
I was the invisible child until I got pissed in my teen years, knowing the whole game was screwed up and rebelled. I now live in Costa Rica, thousands of miles from the family and within 2 months, my sister was forced to replace my Role and is now the scapegoat. The golden child stayed "golden" lol. And yes, now he is a narcissist.
@alexandra lopez-torres i feel for you. it's hard enough to get out of an abusive household as it is, much less during a pandemic and an economic crisis.
@Ale L You can seek a therapist that understands about narcissism who can try to help you to get your own place and other resources and pray to Jehovah God have faith and he will provide. Never loose hope. I know how you feel I also have a narcissistic mother and I went no contact 5 years ago with her and the dysfunctional family. Blessings your way.
That's exactly when I started figuring out what was going on. That's when my mother started taking me to psychologists. As soon as they told her there was nothing wrong with me, she took me to a different therapist. Thank goodness I finally got out of their grips!
I feel like these roles were interchangeable in my family where my sisters and I all shifted between being the scapegoat, golden child, and invisible child at different phases of our childhood. Definitely spent the last few years creating some SERIOUS boundaries and healing.
I'm so glad I'm not the only one. I feel like I have things in common with all three roles, but I identify as the invisible child simply because after a certain age, I felt totally invisible especially to my narcissistic father and my brother, and when I wasn't busy being invisible, my mother thought I was the cat's meow, golden child material, wanting to get me into her career path and it never felt totally right for me. So idk where I sit with all that 🤷♀️ Thoroughly confusing!
Now that I’m an adult, how can a parent treat their innocent children like this? I don’t understand it hurts my heart because we needed protection and didn’t get it.
I’m the scapegoat, and oddly enough, I really hit the jackpot with my Golden Child. I’m ten years older and I absolutely adored her and took care of her with my whole heart because my life sucked so much that she was all I had to live for, and in return she’s always been pretty loyal and loving and mostly had my back even in spite of the crazy dynamics. Probably helps that she’s mature for her age and has a good bullshit detector. Things worked out pretty well for me in the long run because A. I would much rather have taken the heat myself than watched someone so small and helpless take it B. My personality is much better suited to survive being the scapegoat than to survive the pressures and restrictions of being the Golden child, and Vice versa, and C. Although I had a shit family and a shit childhood, I came out of it with my freedom and with a really cool little buddy. Also, since we stayed in touch after I left the family, she has a positive example of what it’s like to live your life freely. Now that she’s getting older, has a degree and is gaining financial independence, we can finally do things that the family dynamics previously prevented, like traveling together. I think this is pretty rare, because I have seen other Golden children absolutely eviscerate their family scape goat with no remorse and I would never ever invalidate that horrible experience. I guess I’m just proud of her because she chose not to turn out like the narc, and I want to give her some kind of credit, even if it’s in a random RUclips comment nobody will ever read 😂
My older sister was the golden child, for awhile at least, and she too tried to protect me when she lived at home. But something must have cracked in her relationship to our parents because she ran away in her late teens to live with a friend's family. Broke my dad's heart because she never came back to visit before he died in his early 50's. Not long after graduating high school she married a guy who became a career Navy officer and I lost track of her for 20 years. Although I finally located her when it was time to sell the family home, we never managed to get back together in person before she died.
My advice after all the bs I went through, because don't trust and stay away. They will lie even( family members), to make sure your miserable. Best thing to become self sufficient, don't tell people your business, set your boundaries, make sure your lawyer supports you, be firm and decide what you want no matter what anyone else says. Find a good supportive therapist, and only surround yourself with people you treat you well and the ones that don't don't keep them in your life.
If navigating a narcissistic family is like being in the middle of the ocean without a ship, one sane person in your immediate family isn’t driftwood, but a whole God bless’ed raft! If she grew up with you around to show her what real love is-not that sick knockoff narcissists peddle-then you are probably the reason she became a treasure.
Saw the exact same order in my dad's family. He was the oldest, the golden child. In fact, they even called him their #1 son. To an outsider this would just be thought of as a term for their first born, but no, the golden child was always put first, held high, could do no wrong. And what became of me, the grandson? A Flying Monkey. The covert Narc is still alive today at 94. Her golden child literally died in her arms at 57, a fall down drunk, and still, he could do no wrong ("always that someone else had made her son drink.") Now the invisible child is getting the remainder of his life drained from him being a caretaker. As for the middle golden child, who became a geriatric nurse and is now retired....will again, in the end, get the worst of it. She told me she couldn't take long term care of her mother until she's at the bedridden stage. We all genuinely love this covert Narc, but once I figured out what was going on in this family I finally began to pull back. And as I have.... my self confidence has sored, I'm happy no longer being manipulated, and after having been practically emasculated by this woman.... I now have a backbone and swinging set of balls.
Yep, I'm the middle child too. Have always felt ostracized by fam of origin-getting out was the best thing I ever did! (besides law school and the bar and breaking up with the ex with narcissistic traits-also a hoarder)
I'm the oldest child scapegoat. My younger sister is invisible child and my step youngest sister is golden child. That's shit is crazy, how my father has made us feel and how we all have to go through years of pain, therapy and healing.
When I was working through my childhood my siblings and I seemed to flow through the different roles depending on the family dynamics that were occuring at the time. I spent my childhood as the invisible child, then started getting good at dancing. That excelling in dancing and high grades at school turned me into the golden child. Then when I had a breakdown in high school I was then turned into the scapegoat and haven't been anything else since. I think it's important to realise that The children of narcs don't always statically stay in the one role. But it can be a dynamic process dependent on how the child can benefit the narc.
Exactly! I noticed that I was my dad's golden child when he was having financial difficulty and his vehicle broke down. My sister stayed at her boyfriend's house, giving excuses as to why she couldn't help while I gave my dad rides and have given him gas money when needed (that I even sold candy for), and buying groceries. He told told me he was proud of me, one of the few times he said it if not the only time. Then there were ither times that it seemed like he always sided with my sister , no matter the disagreement. It also seemed like my parents always wanted to get in good with my sister, especially my mom. She tried to win her love b/c sister always pushed her away. Too bad it was at my expense at times.
@@Godlywoman88 it's terrible seeing how narc parents tear up any chance of positive relationships between their kids. I am now the outcast, despised, and regularly spoken badly about in their circles. I have no relationship with any of my family because I refuse to put up with abuse any longer. That decision came with losing my siblings as a byproduct. It used to rip me apart being the scapegoat but now it doesn't bother me. I don't view them as family at all anymore. I wish the same peace on every child of a narc
Doris White interesting observation. I think you’re right. I spent most of my 20’s taking advantage of therapy from college to undo the mentality from my parents. I realize that my husband may be an abused child of narcissists. Now that we’re married, his people pleasing (with parents) tripled overnight. He anticipates their anger or pettiness over things normal people wouldn’t be upset about. He tells me to text in the group thread ASAP or else it makes me look bad. I stopped people pleasing long ago, so this is where we fight often. His parents did a good job hiding their tendencies bc now they stopped hiding it. They demanded his sister get time off of work less than a week before his dad’s bday. She couldn’t do it and they’re painting her out to be the bad guy :/
I am the scapegoat in my family. I noticed at 6 yrs old my mom was distant and cold. Unaffectionate. Dad was the kind parent. Whenever I received praise for anything, mom criticized me. I cooked, cleaned took care of my younger siblings starting when I was 11. As I grew older , one sister copied my hairstyle and dressing and told people she was me. She copied everything I did. She & mom are inseparable. They bullied me daily for yrs and eventually turned the family against me. I have gone no contact now and wish I did it sooner. The family behaves like a pack of ravenous wolves. I'm thankful for your videos Dr. Ramani. I didn't know what kind of nightmare I was living through at that time. My sister & mother have gotten more outrageous as time went on.
If you were/are a scapegoat, do not get into relationships until you learn to set healthy boundaries or chances are you will find yourself in abusive relationships
I learned this the hard way, but I did learn. Stay away from toxic people. If that's not possible, have as little to do as possible with them. Absolutely set boundaries.
Omg! My first relationship was with my best friend of 15 years, lasted just one and a half months. First he said," you don't have to thank me or apologise to me for anything... " and I felt awww so sweet.. But because we were friends I am more casually like.. Hey! Thanks man.... Or Oh! I'm sorry I forgot that... You know like polite.. First he showed that he was annoyed coz I wasn't listening.. Then he slowly started Growling at me in anger through gritted teeth and clenched Jaws.. " I told you never to..." and I knew I was in trouble. I started to tip toe around him, really had to watch what I had to say to the point that I started avoiding spending time and having conversations with him. Oh and the manipulations, he would be like ' I didn't ask for your advice, just do this for me if your can or just say if you cant" that's when I started to confront him. At last after one and a half months of this crap I talk him I was going away for a week, I was so glad to be away from him and felt peaceful for the first time on a long while. And I knew it was over. But one thing that shook me was, I had lost my confidence totally in assessing people. I felt how could I have not know for 15 years that this is what he was. To think that as a friend I would have taken a bullet for him. But then I figured I was just a school kid when we became friends and had extremely naive in picking my friends etc. And he had become close before I had developed my filtering systems. That shyte toxic encounter tought me well...
@@arctic_haze if you have a narcissistic parent, it's better you don't exist anymore. The mental abuse is way beyond tolerable level. I have attempted suicide when I was 8 years old. That's how bad they fcuk your brain and emotions.
same!!! being an only child I was mostly invisible and then as I started realizing something was amiss and raised my voice against it, I became the scapegoat, and now that we face financial issues or there is any decision to be taken regarding my career, I am being gaslighted to believe that I was always the golden child, the apple of my parent's eyes and how they always want the best for me and have always appreciated my talents and skills..... seriously it is so frustrating and confusing!!!
Dr. Ramani, you have literally saved my life. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and enabling siblings. No matter what, I was always cornered by my entire family, minus my sister. I never got any type of validation, no matter how clearly I explained things.
Be careful, I got disinherited, if you can , play the game, as eventually they die and leave all to the golden children it’s mean d.site-cdn.net/6cd93335c8/a13ed7/scape-goat-teachers-notes.pdf
That is exactly what has happened in my family. My "golden child" younger brother has grown up to be as narcissistic as my mother. And, worse, he has fallen down the Q-Anon rabbit hole, because the aggressive, alt-Right attitude suits his life vision that it is always someone else's fault that his life has not worked out as he anticipated.
I think that's happening to my sister too. And she still tried to fix everything. I feel so abandoned by her, she never helped me, and she is my older sister. But that's all she could though, she feels the need to fix my parents
Golden child is my older brother. Father literally said, he's as "good as gold." He is a sadistic narcissist who sexually physically mentally and emotionally abused me for years from when I was very young. It has taken me a lifetime to overcome. And I am still on the mend
I was the golden child, and as I approached puberty and started to develop an independent personality, I experienced a radical fallllllllllllll from grace lol
Oh my goodness me too!!! I was the golden child and then became the scapegoat but it was even stronger than my sister that was previously the scapegoat. After I escaped and moved away, my mom still asked them “isn’t everything better now that destiny’s gone” when I never did a thing to them. She won’t even let them see me, they’re all supposed to hate me for absolutely no reason other than the fear of also being disowned.
I was the invisible child, and I've been saying "I'll never be enough" for over 30 years. I don't suggest running from a narcassistic family into the arms of a narcassistic spouse. It didn't matter how many accolades I accumulated as a child, nor how much attention and care I heaped on my husband: never, ever, ever enough.
1 of the more difficult lessons for many folks is learning that the NARCS actually are the ones that aren't enough...They are very limited & lacking people in so many ways,that's why everything you pour into them is never enough.
My first husband was a narcissist. To me it looked like maturity, because that is what I saw at home. He divorced me, mercifully (I would have kept trying to please him). I spent another 15 years looking carefully before choosing someone, again that I could respect, but he is a very morally upstanding decent man who has enhanced my life.
I’ve been all 3. I’m the invisible adult now because I’m rebelling against my family. But I’m good. God’s got me and I rather be a mermaid than be normal anyway. Great video.
Thank you for saying this. I never realized I was also an invisible child, on top of being a scapegoat. I'd only ever heard about scapegoats and golden children, until this video. It all makes more sense now. I became the "good kid" for two reasons: A) I thought I could avoid my mom's abuse if I was just "good enough". Didn't happen, but damn, I sure tried, lol. So, scapegoat. B) I thought she would finally notice and be proud of me if I just achieved more. There's the invisible. I didn't know then what I know now - that everytime I achieved something, it just made her hate me more. Phew, the competitiveness was real. So maybe a little Golden Child in there. She got to brag about me in public, and then abuse me in private. My sister, however, can do no wrong. She's a narcissistic criminal who abuses her kids, but it's always excused as "poor thing". However, when she was a teenager and I was gone, she became my mom's scapegoat. Horribly abused. Once we were both outta the house though, it went back to the regular roles of scapegoat/invisible and golden child. So yeah, those dynamics shift. I think that's gotta be more common than is talked about, since nothing's ever so black and white. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk, lol. But seriously, it helps to know we're all out here, trying to recover from horrible parents.
Julia D Only child; all three as well. I really admire what you said- “But I’m good. God’s got me. I’d rather be a mermaid than be normal anyway.” You are free. I’m getting there!!
I was the golden child growing up went to med school and became a doctor. When I started voicing my doubts and need to escape what was killing my soul, I steadily started to fall from grace lol. Wish me luck on my way to the role scapegoat
Same! Golden Child and now scapegoat. Got phD and then fell from grave when I got married and took a break from my career to raise my children. Now I've wasted my education according to my parents and they constantly criticize my parenting.
Hellooo fellow Golden Children-turned-Goats! 😁 The crime that has catalyzed my fall from grace was falling in love, thus 'stealing' exclusive access to my time and energy from my CN mother. I am fully prepared to become the new family villain when I eventually marry this darling man...and I'm slowly choosing not to care! 🤪
It makes me feel insane, my mother won’t leave me alone. She has no respect for personal boundaries and my youngest siblings, whom she raised, enable her. I’m the scapegoat
My mom is the same . I recently moved out and my mom won’t leave me alone . She’s another that I have a social life and won’t drop everything and be with her . I think my mom had me as a golden child up till a certain age and my narc dad neglected me until my sister came along and she was the golden child to him. My little sister who is disabled was sadly blamed for the dysfunction in the family. Holy shit both my parents are Narcs with my dad clearly raising my sister as a golden child while I fell from grace from my mol after I dared to have independent opinions. I just gotta maintain distance . And fully disentangle myself from them .
I was the scapegoat, brother was the golden, and my sister was the flying monkey for my mother. For instance my mother used to drag me out of bed in the middle of the night bash my head against the floor screaming she wishes that I was dead or never born. (and SO MUCH more). When I couldn’t take the abuse anymore, I ran away and turned myself in. My sister and my mother bonded in saying that my mother never hit me or abused me. I was sent to every treatment center in the state to help me deal with why I was trying to destroy my family. Today my sister is the narcissist. I could go on for hours about the illegal, immoral and hateful things she does, while acting so self righteous and better than everyone, especially me. I am 65 now, and finally realizing that I am not the most disgusting and most unworthy of being loved person on the planet. Thank you for all you do.
I left and the golden child became the scapegoat and ended up leaving, now the narcissist has been trying to find someone to take care of them in old age. Oh well.
This frequently happens to narcissistic parents - they become more lonely as years go by, because not only do they make themselves impossible amongst their children and family, but lose friends too, because of their appaling behaviour. My mother-in-law has a scapegoat daughter, who now is sick of getting all the garbage, and has cut her mother out. She always says "I'm so old now, I can say whatever I like" - and she does, that's why more and more people shy away from her. So, she is now pretty lonely and bitter. She has told everyone who listens, that her daughter and her husband has forced her to move to an assisted home, which is not true. And she always complains, about ailments, about ageing, about the doctor who doesn't listen to her, and all that jazz. A very tiresome old lady indeed!
When I left I noticed my sister couldn't handle the scapegoat role that was thrust upon her. It freaked her out to now be the total focus of his critical attention. She grew up being the invisible child so imagine the shock to her system. I feel bad that I had to leave her to save myself
@zumzy u Hey didn't I see this exact comment in another comment? It's almost like it was copied and pasted in multiple comments. You're not spamming are you? Edit: you can’t see it not Cus I reported that shit. It was basically the same advertisement in as many comments as they could.
@@torhildsagenghansen6074 I think my six siblings feel that they need to hate me to win our dad's love -- which of course isn't love; it's manipulation.
It's been 13 years of no contact, this time. I've gone through this several times throughout my life. I'm determined to make this one the last. It's why I'm here. I have to remind myself of why I have no contact. It's still a struggle but watching things like this trigger and remind me of the abuse. I was an only child growing up and have been in all three roles. My brother was born when I was 21 so now I'm the invisible child. My brother has connections to money so he's the golden child. Just wanted to let you know there may be times when you get nostalgic or need a parent and try to reconnect. It will never change. They will always be narcissistic and they have assigned your role. It will be your fault you're not talking, not their's. I want you guys to know it's not your fault or responsibility to sacrifice yourself for a relationship that will never be supportive, fulfilling or loving. You can find other people who can take on those roles. However, it will always hurt but you are strong enough to make it through. I'm sending lots of strength and rooting for all of you who are struggling with this issue.
Good luck. Remember to remove them from all banking access, any guarantor roles on home/car, and change address for post for anything finical. My brother had his first 3 months of pay at a new job stolen, and I had my bank card and passport stolen.
I blocked my mother from my life 7 years ago, best decision I ever made. She doesn't know where I live or have my number. I only see her when I visit my sister. So maybe a total of 3 occasions during all these years It hurts I need to keep distance from my own mother, but she is straight up evil and self absorbed!💔
When the scapegoat removes themselves, the dynamics change... The transition could get messy. Someone's got to take the blame, but when they're not around, then what? 😎 Exactly! Let them thrash it out... Let them meet their own crap. Move on, it's not your trip anymore! Wish them well in your mind, and enjoy your life. Love and peace! 😁✔
My sister (the golden child) held resentment toward me for moving out of the house when I turned 19. During a conversation we had in our 40's, she chastised me for being selfish and only thinking of myself in my decision to leave. As far as she was concerned, all the turmoil in the family (before & after I had gone) had been caused by me. She said that my father was always right and that I was always the problem. He is a master at manipulation.
The Narc's only want to hear from you when they want to dump their crap on you or they want to know what you're doing so they can gossip about your life to others
In my family, my sister moved far away - she was mom's fav so not too much said about her. I moved out secretly so my dad couldn't stop me, also confronted the family abuse and it was determined by my dad that I was crazy after ODing and in hospital. Would he have thought differently if I'd not OD'd or gone into hospital? - I doubt it. He tried to keep me as his puppet. As long as there wasn't a man in my life to puppeteer me, he thought I was his job. The less I fought his rules, the more enmeshed I became. The harder I fought his rules, the crazier he saw me. He has no idea how much my little self adored him. He sacrificed that with his cult of self.. oh well.
When the scapegoat removes themselves they are often just replaced by someone weaker or blind to the situation who hasn't removed themselves as well, unfortunately.
I was an only child. My mom had me young and unmarried. She and I lived with her grandmother. I was both the scapegoat and the invisible child. She abused both myself and my great-grandmother. This clip has made me realize that I wasn't crazy and just feeling sorry for myself, that it wasn't all in my head. Thank you.
I’m the golden child. I feel terrible for my invisible sister and used to get away more attention before I went to college. I see her trying extra hard to be the perfect kid and she really is. Because I didn’t know my dad was a narcissist, I tried to use reasoning in arguments when I got older but it ended up with him not liking me nearly as much, claiming I’ve changed etc, and I became more of a scapegoat. But as soon as I gave up and agreed/ did what he wanted, he loves me again and I’m on a pedestal back in the original golden child position I’m usually in. It taught conditional love and I became a perfectionist whos terribly afraid of conflict and criticism. God bless any scapegoats, invisible children, or even golden children out there. We should be loved for who we are and not what we do/ the roles that were given to us
I was the Golden Child as well, but I could never tolerate the invisibility of my brother. He's always been so important to me. And I've tried my best to have him see his own value, but it's not easy coming from his greatest competitor.
Similar experience...except never moved back into golden role. Hanging out in invisible world. I don't cause waves like I did when I was scapegoat...but I also don't play by his rules. If I did...I could go right back to golden...I have no doubt. Now I'm watching it all play out with the grandchildren. It's horrible.
It's too late. I was the scapegoat and my sister was the golden child. My sister is now the narcissist. I don't want to connect with her or my parents.😖
Michelle Myers I’m in the same boat. My sister is a narcissist and my brother is also. The two parents are as well. I had everyone against me, but therapy has worked wonders. Especially someone who studies attachment theory as well that’s helped me tremendously learning all about that. Has helped me become more compassionate toward these people and “laugh them off” so to speak.
That's exactly what happened in my family, except my one ally(former invisible child) turned into a narcissist along with the other two golden children in the family. I am all alone and ready to cut them off completely.
I was the golden child when I was reflecting well upon my mother; I became the scapegoat when I developed my own personality. She now refuses to speak to me and has alienated me from everyone in my family. They all think I am ungrateful for not worshipping at the Mother altar.
I was and still am the scapegoat. Though l disengaged from them years ago, to save myself. Doctor Ramani explained it perfectly. I knew it was odd from a young age. It took a great deal of therapy as a adult to truly know, recognize and understand it though.
Same here. And it's true what Dr. Ramani said about having everyone's number. Even how, in my 40s, I battle against feeling guilty for ridiculous things. I've cut my family off too, best decision I ever made.
I was the scapegoat and did have their number early on. I was married to a narcissist and (like childhood ) I thought I could save them from misery. What a rude awakening on many levels. Dis-function indeed
I am still the invisible scapegoat to a narcisstic family, my narcisstic father just died and the funeral is coming up and i am absolutely dreading it to the point i am looking for excuses not to go, but i know i have to. Feels like im going into the lions den.
Walter Abrams l truly understand that feeling. I told my Mother (kindly) years ago that l would not attend her funeral when that day comes. I will not put myself through that.
That part about cultivating a relationship with your siblings independent of your parents is GOLDEN and also helps you better recognize when your parents are trying to still force you and your siblings into these roles.
I wouldn't have described either of my parents as narcissistic but my sister and I finally started a better relationship after we both had our own babies. Sadly she died when her youngest was 2 and I have discovered I married a narcissist ... it took nearly 2 years of therapy 14 years later to make my life feel like my own
Problem is my mother has lied to us as adult children keeping us from having a Relationship......she still does it ...60 years of it ..stupidity all of it ...
Me and sis were always fighting growing up and she and my mom would team up against me. When I moved out from the house, she became the new scapegoat. Me and my sis became closer more than ever because she finally has some level of understanding, funnily enough. 😂
I was the invisible child. My mom didn't spend a lot of time with me or show me much attention, unless I was in trouble as a kid for something. She was good at showing me "when she was mad at me" by yelling at me followed by the silent treatment for days.
8 kids in my family. I can tell you now that out of those 8 kids, we now have several adult narcissists and a good amount of very broken adults. I was fortunate enough to actually be both a scapegoat and invisible. Neither helped me in my adult life, but 14 years with a narcissist husband and a PTSD breakdown has changed my life. I no longer associate with my family and working on a divorce right now. But I am healing and becoming whole and no one will ever take that away from me
My mom used to abuse me, she never abused my other 2 siblings. I wondered why but at the same time I was happy my other siblings didn’t go through what I went through.
I’ve been the scapegoat and recently diagnosed with depression/severe social anxiety disorder. At age 33, I’m now undergoing therapy to “re-parent” myself and remove those self-sabotaging voices reinforced during childhood. After my parents’ failed marriage, I became my mom’s scapegoat. Partly because I looked similar to dad who she hated. I became the conduit for her anger and was often labeled the villain in my own family. My younger sister became the Golden Child - the direct extension of mom’s ego - receiving all attention and resources. She eventually became the same entitled covert narcissist that my mom was. She was dangerously manipulative - Perhaps the most hurtful thing she did was turn my “invisible child” brother against me using lies. They continued to gaslight me along with members of my extended family. After years of growing up feeling like a cancer in my own family, I finally sought professional help. I met my amazing girlfriend who gave me the support and courage to finally seek help - my sister tried to triangulate and spread false rumors around my girlfriend too but ultimately failed. I hope everyone else who suffered parental narcissistic abuse can (1) learn to forgive their parents, (2) choose to disassociate from toxic ppl and maintain healthy environments with people who support you and (3) value yourself and seek therapy no matter what. I plan to set solid boundaries and come back even stronger. Eventually when I raise my own family, I’ll make sure my children learn empathy, have their emotions mirrored and are able to form healthy long/term relationships. Let the process of becoming stronger begin for all of us💪
Fuck. I'm 13 and I have major social anxiety/general anxiety. Ik it sounds stupid to hear a 13 year old say "im depressed " but um yh. I also don't wanna self diagnose. I've been self harming quite alot recently, after every 'fight' I've been absolutely miserable lately, im getting nightmares again, and I just feel genuinely tired. When I wake up, I feel dread for whats to come. I go downstairs knowing im gonna get screamed at for something. I frequently wake up to my mum screaming at my sister. Shes constantly complaining or whining, but if neither me or my sister are in sight, she'll just be talking to no one in particular, but then when we eventually go downstairs, she starts on us. (Me and my sister are the scapegoats. I have 4 brother, one is 2 years old tho and tbh he gets screamed at just as much as us. My 2 oldest brothers are 20 and 21, they just try and stay out of it. and my other brother is 16. He's the golden child. She doesn't attack my brothers, just me and my sister. I really don't know why. With my brother who's 16, lets call him C, he spends the most time with my mum, as she's always asking him for help with the baby. He basically acts as a co parent. My mum talks shit about us to him, and feeds him a load of bs, and now he's basically brainwashed. She tells him we're "abusive" and "disrespectful " and that we "cant be told anything " But fucking hell its the other way round. She cannot be told ANYTHING, she seriously believes she's in the right every time and thats fucking scary. She expects sympathy from everyone and anyone, plays the victim, acts different infront of guests. TALKS SHIT ABOUT US TO GUESTS. (Even to my siblings friends , they dgaf) Tries to embarrass us and make out that we're rude etc. It's so hard to explain how horrible my mother is without sounding rude, but I'm so glad some ppl here can relate 🗿✌😔 Yknow how I think she veiws me and my sister. My sister is the 'successful ' one, and I am the disappointment one. With me, shes just accepted that I'm a failure, and I've just gotten use to her seeing me like that 🥲🤷♀️ I wear hoodies and joggers, my sister wears nice pretty crop tops. I go out looking like a tramp every time, but like I said, my mums accepted that I'm the failed child. But when my sister wears baggy clothes out or smthn, bc she just doesn't wanna wear fancy clothes for once, my mums like "what, why? 😰 but why don't you wear something nicer?? What abt that nice top you have? Why don't you wear smthn nicer tho??" She probably sees my sister as an extension of herself. Every time my sister puts on 'nice' clothes to go out, my mum showers her with compliments. Ik I'm not pretty and all and the stuff I wear is pretty average, but surely she can think of smthn better to say than "but you look a bit like a tramp" or "you're wearing THAT?" I dunno, its just the little things that I catch and overthink abt for the rest of my life. Me and my sister have both had eating disorders, yet she still calls us pigs when she's 'arguing' with us. I get blamed for everything. Even when I'm not involved in an argument, my mum has to involve Me somehow or include me in the argument.
This video was my wake-up call, at 26, in realizing that I am my family's scapegoat. My mind is blown and literally everything about myself and my life is starting to make sense to me now. Thank you for this. The self-awareness may not immediately eradicate my lack of confidence, self-esteem, and agency, but it's a start.
My brother is the scapegoat. I am working right now to build him up now that I've graduated university. He's only 16. Would you say it's too early for him to gain awareness of this? Do you think it would've hurt you as a kid?
@@antoniopanoflo123 Im sure he would notice something is wrong with the family dynamic by now, I was his age when I started researching narcissism so I'd say give it a shot
@@antoniopanoflo123 the opposite!! The younger he fully understands these things the better! My whole life would be different if I’d known these things at 16
I'm the scapegoat. Was told I said something 33 years ago to my parent, and the parent held a grudge against me for all these years. I realize it was projection.
I was the invisible child, my brother the golden child until our mom went back to college. It switched then because I could benefit her more than he could. She used to pit us against each other all the time. There years where we didn't speak. It was actually one of your videos that open my eyes to her narcissism. I shared it with my brother. Later, we did exactly what you talk about at the end of this video- we shared our experiences and learned how to function together, how to spot her triangulation, how to navigate her. We're closer than ever. You were instrumental in that. Thank you 💙
I am coming to terms with the issue now. I hope one day to bridge the gap with my siblings The difficulty is them seeing the manipulation that always pitches us against each other. Looking back any big bust ups with siblings .. guess who was at the centre. I think my mum could not stand me calling my sister : sister mine . I had “ taken “ the role of the one who loves away from her. So so sad. As if loving is exclusivel.
I am a golden child that fell from grace into the scapegoat role. Life in my household sucks but I’m hoping to break free and start healing as soon as I can.
I was the scapegoat. I always remember being confused. I could never understand what I did wrong to make my dad yell at me constantly, call me names, and not allow me to lock my door so he could come in to my bedroom whenever he wanted to to yell at me. He was a religious guy so he also used that against me and told me I had "mockery demons". Funny thing is I was quiet 100% of the time and never defended myself (why bother?) so I was basically a perfect child, never complaining or having an opinion... yet I had pride and mockery demons. And my brothers would team up against me when he left, and say the same things. And my mom would be in the background, passively doing chores, just surviving. Later would come in my room and ask me to apologize to my dad.... again never sure what it was for. She had one goal- to calm my dad down. I would say sorry for having demons... or something. I knew me apologizing would make my dad better. So growing up anytime someone was angry, I knew it was my fault automatically, and that I must apologize to them. My dad even blamed me every time him and my mom got in a fight. Everything was always my fault. I learned never to show negative emotion. If I ever looked upset he said in a mocking tone "oh you're gonna cry now?? Go to your room then, go feel sorry for yourself, woe is me, pooor baby" So I always kept a nuetral face and stayed out of my house as much as I could. Home was never a safe place. Escaping became my goal. I'm shocked I never did drugs or became super promiscuous. I was probably afraid of the even heavier backlash if I did something bad and he found out. I can honestly say- I HAVE COME A LONG, LONG WAY. As an adult I joined a really great church, and have found healing and lots of great people that have heard my story and listened to me, and helped me see great things about myself. God is little by little teaching me he is nothing like my dad, and how important my voice is to him. Me and most of my brothers are very close (my older brother is also a narcissist, so we keep a casual relationship), and we complain and know about my dad's tactics. I have an opinion on everything and speak my voice. I've even told my mom about this and how I think she should leave my dad. (She's still with him by the way). I set up boundaries with my parents, and he now knows I will talk back if he insults me, so he never does anymore. By the way, there came a day I knew i needed to stand up for myself to my narc father. And I did. And it was UGLY. And he disowned me for 2 years. But we talk now (it took me going to the ER for him to talk to me again, I passed a gallstone) and he knows he can't walk all over me anymore or I'll call him out on it and walk out. But I think the best healing has been accepting that this won't change. Until a week ago, I always thought each time I'd see him (a few times each year), maybe he'll be different this time and finally be interested in me and not talk about himself. Nope. I thought once i get a great job or get married that he would finally be interested and ask me questions, but at Thanksgiving, my golden child brother who DOES have those things got asked not one question about it. My dad never showed interest, even when my brother brought it up. And a lightbulb went off. It will never happen. It doesn't matter if I become president. He will still talk about himself and never be interested in me. The only way to be in a good place with my dad is to talk about the things he loves. Period. I feel so much peace knowing I don't have to try anymore. I don't have to try and make him interested in me. Not gonna happen. And I'm ok with that. I can move on. And find a man that does care. That was really long. If you read the whole thing, thank you. Felt good to let that out. Ps. And the thing about the scapegoat seeing through this is so, so true. I saw it all and it felt amazing when my other brothers finally realized something was wrong with my dad. I've been told I have a "fake radar" and can see through people that carry masks and present themselves falsly.
Omg. This made me cry so hard. My story has been so similar. Like even down to the not being able to lock your door thing. He took the door off my room eventually cuz I would fall asleep after middle school with the door locked and he didn't like that so he took it away. Anyways thanks gor posting this. I'm sorry it's been such a crazy life. This made me feel less alone.
@Onyinyechi U thank you for sharing. That sounds similar to my story too. I really think scapegoats are actually overcomers afterward, because that's what you sound like to me.
I read it all, I'm moved. Like it was my own thoughts and experience. Thank you it helps me in my journey to get my sanity back. Glad your getting there too !
Wow. Thank you for sharing. I relate to your story so much. My father also used religion, as well as my culture (we are first gen immigrants) against me, to control and manipulate me. I am currently at the end of undergrad, and struggling on the transition out (the thought of moving back home is unbearable!), but your story made me realize that I am not alone. So thank you, and I hope all is well
I’m one of three daughters of a narcissistic mother. My eldest sister was the golden child, middle sister the scapegoat and I was the invisible one. Every day is a struggle against the effects of being raised like this, my goal now is to not let this affect my child. I don’t really speak to my sisters, or my parents.
Hi Julie, sending you love from a distance. Least you see 'get it, it's only been several months for me, wish it was several years. I survived by dating and moving out young. It was very rare that one felt 'relaxed' when at home... Guys often think I'm flirting but nay, I'm just so glad to not be any of 'them'.
Sending love to you too Josee xo I’m on full-alert when I visit my parents, I now know exactly when my mother tries to get narcissistic supply, I’m also very selective on what I share with her cause anything can be used against me or twisted to create divide between siblings or my father. It took me a year of weekly therapy to get to this point, it was painful process and very isolating setting the boundaries but necessary. I wish my younger self had the insight to push through with therapy. Looking back on my life so far I tried to use humor, good grades, my work and at some point even my looks to get noticed, by anyone, but especially my parents. I settled for some bad/incompatible relationships because it was great getting attention. It was only when those things fell away, and I had no form of outside approval, that I was forced to start building my own self-esteem. Painful but necessary.
Julie, I was scapegoated and my sister was the invisible child. Our brother was golden child. My sister and I are sooooooooooooo close. We've been very close for about 15 years. I love her more than anything. I understand her. I used to jealous she was ignored and I had wrath, and once I received therapy, I was able to see her through her experience. I wish you the very best.
Julie Mosz You know it feels like it's wrong to not have a family!? I being the youngest of 3 daughters. I have tremendous guilt that I couldn't give my daughter what she needed? A family that loved her. I'm broken and tired of being the scapegoat. Barely keeping a roof over my head. Always feeling it will be destroyed by them. They say the y love us though go out of their way to make me suffer. I'm 50 now and still shocked how evil they are. All I ever wanted was a family. And they Never gave me that. Not once did I have a big sister there to teach me, look out for me. My older sisters led me to danger and would leave me. I have been raped bcuz of them & they laugh. when I was suicidal I was waitn for them to show up to take me to hospital. What they did was all gather and one by one threaten me & tell me what a disappoint I was. ... then they took my twin sons from me after I was raped. They said I could use a break and they dropped off the face of Earth. No worse feeling being duped by family. My daughter has no brothers that love her, I have been grieving so long I can't let go of the loss. Not giving my daughter the mother she deserves. I don't like "hate" tho they deserve the worst torture, I can't even write anymore well without spell check. That tells you how fucked up I am And the Guilt & shame is excruciating...I wish that my kids not be like the Narcississ within our family. "We got weeds get the weed killer and light this tree up, it's nothing more than a flimsy bush". I love my kids but HATE WHAT MY FAMILY HAS TAKEN FROM ALL OF ME. "Me."...
I was scape goat or invisible, if they noticed me it was always all my fault. To others they spoke of me as though I was the golden child, this helped them to hide their criminal physical, sexual, & emotional abuse. Good luck in your journey & know you are loved.
I was mostly the golden child growing up until I became a police officer and my training helped me to distance/see the deception happening in my family life. As I became aware and questioned more, I slowly became a scapegoat. Progressing through adulthood, it seemed to switch back and forth between me and my sister depending on who was in her good graces (is that common, to get regular switching like that? I'd love to hear more about it). The triangulation was also intense, and my relationship.with my sister was ruined. Then when I published a children's book 2 years ago, I became the golden child again. It was eerie how nice she became -- on her best behaviour -- and all the while I waited for the next shoe to drop again. When it finally did, I had enough & set even firmer boundaries. I'm now a scapegoat for life and everyone in my family blames, shames, and hates me. Watching these videos has provided more understanding, uplifted me at times, and helped me not feel so alone, Dr. Ramani. Thank you so much. I'd love to hear your answer to my question in parenthesis above if you ever have the chance. Thanks again.
Hello, I think I might have experienced something similar to you. Golden child growing up, scape goat in my twenties (for being the child who didn't bear my parents grandkids amongst other reasons), seems like I am the golden child again for being a good Aunt (I'm like a big kid who goes swinging in parks. I enjoy it)... I even feel like both in some ways, the black sheep and the favored one. However, my parents are not diagnosed as narcisstic so I really cannot say this is certain.
@@adriasorensen2249 Sorry you experienced that. It's maddening how they can shift so easily depending on their whims or goals. My mother isn't officially diagnosed either, and likely never will be. She hates therapists. They are agents of the devil that twist and turn a person against their family (her words, not mine). *sigh*
My next oldest brother was the scapegoat for years till my daughter became a teenager. She was smart enough to see through the mess and avoided my mother. So my mom focuses all her anger and blames my daughter for everything.
@smackamoe So sorry to hear your daughter is having to deal with that. It's good she can see clearly through it all. I worry for my kids, too, that's for sure. I am very low contact now.
me too... it depends how they want to....depends on what my standing in life is. Often when they see I'm starting to stand on my feet again, they will latch on and do everything to get what they want and when I fall, all the harsh words about being "wrong" at this and that that "I never believed them,..." it's a cycle.......
In my experience our rol in the relation dynamic with the narcissist changes according to the narcissists needs, so I take this roles as a fluid. I could say I was the 3 of them at different points.
Same. I even felt like the Golden Child once in a great while if I achieved something or got praise my mother could bask in. Usually, though, I was in a scapegoat/invisible flux.
My husband is the scapegoat. I was telling his mom about a vision for a project we wanted to do. “You guys can’t do that. It’s not a good idea” In literally the same breath she started telling me how his brother (the golden child) wanted to do the same thing and had a total sparkle in her eyes while telling me. My mouth dropped.
![I.N "HALLUCINATION" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/n5B5q1Hwt_U/mqdefault.jpg)
![Seungmin "그렇게, 천천히, 우리(As we are)" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/kAzmhLHePqU/mqdefault.jpg)
Raise your hand if you were the scapegoat. 🙋♀️🙋♀️🙋♀️
🙋🙋🙋me too...my brother is the golden kid...funny thing is in my family the roles reversed. When i was showing signs of success, I was the golden kid but i started to struggle in career & he went ahead of me so now I'm the scapegoat because I'm practically useless.
Emmalee Shallenberger 🖐
Here!
I was the scapegoat and the golden child. Now I'm a recovering heroin addict! Wut wut!
@@jacobhurley9587 Makes perfect sense to me.
The Golden Child can turn on the Scapegoat child, feeling no guilt, and be as mean as the Narcissistic parent.
True. The golden child often become Psychotic & this includes brilliant intellectual minded golden children. Ex family scape goat here. I watched 2 siblings go full blown Psychotic & one go full blown Narcissist & we had no parental protection. Both parents were violent. To end this on a happy note though, I found self respect in adulthood & self love. That's what's important. The rest history.
I was the golden child and I protected my siblings from our abuser. As best I could anyway...
Maybe try dealing with the resentment instead of dragging it around with you wherever you go?
@@XXgenderloveXY Easy for the golden child to say. I suggest you work on your own resentments.
@@XXgenderloveXY you are a rare one.
I've bee.n all at diff points with each parent
When you stop people pleasing, people aren't pleased. (survivor of narc abuse)
Vicki Summed up perfectly!
So true!
@@lisalissner1070 EXACTLY
I’m learning this at 30.
Exactly! As long as I pleased them, they stopped harassing me for a moment. The problem is they want more and more as times goes by. The end is my death. I know if I die, they will use my death for making stories.
I was the golden child. But, the day I started doing things I mom didn't like or approve, I was suddenly the most hated and bratty person in the family. It was super confusing and hurtful. But it was also eye opening. I realized I am only valued when I do something for them, so now I have build boundaries and holding them. Still struggling with it but so glad I can see the family for what it is and dropped all my expectations.
I was the golden child and I dared marry a guy my NM did t approve of..and I have dared to stay (mostly) happily married for 35 years to that much abhorred man who stole her golden child. I am constantly flipping between good daughter bad daughter status for my entire married life..never know when I’m gonna cross the line and be the bad daughter although I often dare to just cross that line and stay there! 🫢
Those roles our narcissistic parents gave us fluctuate amongst their children. It is super confusing and done on purpose. The whole family is involved to attack one person. It is worse when they get the cops involved. My family stayed silent when the police were called on me. I was talking crap to the police because I was still protecting them, but when I was going to tell them about my sibling's behavior one started to tell me to shut the f up repeatedly. He didn't let me speak. He's still dealing drugs even after going to prison twice and was almost deported. He didn't want to get arrested again for having drugs on him as he rushed to leave with his kid. They are willing to talk crap about you, but then don't tell on themselves.
Congratulations on this!🎉😃
It went about the same as when my twin was the golden child and did something our narcissist parent didn't like. We were adults by then.
Me, the scapegoat, was manipulated into blaming her and hating her for something she did. After I heard her side of the story, I calmed down and realised...this is all just one huge drama. As always I tried to solve the entire problem for them, even though it had got nothing to do with me. They wheeled me in very easy back then.
But this all happened before I got aware and conscious about all the psychological issues in my family.
We (twin and I) then tried to have a relationship apart from the parent, like Dr. Ramani said. Took a while for my twin to cut contact to the parent. Sadly it didn't end well. My twin turns out to be a narcissist themselves.
I have no contact to the family I grew up in. And it's for the better. I am finally free to be myself!
ive been fighting 20 years, but now i realized that my mom doesn't even want me around so I'm finally free i can be around her but get my emotional needs met by interacting with my child and other people who don't try to play mind games or control my thinking its freeing to know despite cultural expectations to dote on parents if the parents leave you alone you can live with them but not "with them" in terms of boundaries and staying outside as much as possible, living more independently
In the same boat unfortunately
It hurts when your own mother competes with you or have jealousy issues with you it's so vile and disgusting
It took me half of my adult life to accept and see it for what it really was.
Yes, when your mother is jealous because you are younger, prettier, and flirts with every boyfriend you've ever had!
same. she hates me
It makes me so sad when my mother does this or when I catch her distain for me. I have been using boundaries but I haven’t really cut her off.
I feel you, she jealous of everything, cant even make a coffee for my father to avoid her jealousy.
Remember fellow scapegoats, if you're making the narcissist angry, you're probably doing something that's good for yourself. Obviouisly don't set out to cause anger as a goal, but if taking care of you requires that the narcissist get angry, so be it.
Like your life depends on it, i feel you! :P
Thought: My getting a present narc angry would hurt their young children. Then I think, they are already being used as pawns to get alienate me. So it would be better to bow out and hope for reconnect at some point later. But its very hard. Either way, said narc, will likely be angry.
I tended to defend myself and stand my ground. But it's dangerous and leads to nothing. All my life I thought I had to fight for acknowlegment. It is draining. Until I realized I'd rather turn away from everyone who doesn't acknowlegment me and make room for people who naturally do :-)
You’re right narc would be angry. My narc acted nice around others but told my kids I needed one upside my head. I always confronted him by phone-safer- when he used the kids. I had visitation dec making power - he lost 1 of his reg weekly visits permanently. Also documented, informed my lawyer, didn’t give him an inch when he was using the kids.
One thing about reconnecting with a narc - it doesn’t get better- it gets dangerously worse. They tell you, you’ll be back, can’t lives without them. When you return- to them it means they are right regardless of your reason for returning. And they increase their control.
@@sandra8991 Defend yourself is exactly what they're trying to get you to do, and no matter how you do so, you'll be wrong, regardless of reality. Nobody has any claim on your time or your feelings. It's disgusting that the price for interacting with someone is accepting their abuse. Good riddance!
Behind closed doors I was the scapegoat, but in front of strangers I was "the golden child".
I definitely got some of this.
At home I was dangerous, stupid, and violent. Outside I was intelligent, kind and caring.
The quality "oh he sometimes misinterprets things or uses the wrong words, sorry if what he said disturbed you, he didn't mean it" remained in public to go along with the constant gaslighting at home. I suppose that's what happens when you'll just blurt out to your teacher that you were kicked so hard in the back that it threw you to the floor and gave you a nosebleed.
Apparently it was effective though.
I was the same way. This position comes with a-lot of guilt, gaslighting, and pressure.
Me too. This was so confusing and also disgusting when the compliments are given in public
Me too and I still am :(
Your comment has a ring of familiarity, but my public role as a golden child was narrowly constrained to my academic performance. My older sister was the bubbly, talkative, easy to get along with child that my stepmother preferred, but as the "good student" I gave her a certain amount of second hand glory. Since this was my only source of approval in the family, I felt that I had to get A's on my report card. Anything less, even a B, felt like failure.
I was scapegoat and invisible. As an adult I’m now invisible mostly. I move away years ago. Limited contact. Listening to these videos and awareness of this dysfunction is critical to my healing. Thank you Dr Ramani!
I can relate too!
We have 2 things in common: raised as the scapegoat and invisible. I wonder where your life has taken you, with this as your base. I too left their physical presence ages ago but that just turned me into being invisible. When did you start learning about these roles we were playing?
Same ❤
I think I was both too
I am seeing the baby of the family can also be the Golden CHILD,and given more attention.
I was the invisible child that became the scapegoat when I started finding my voice as a truth teller.
Same. As the eldest and the only girl, I was just the one who was there to look after everyone else’s emotional needs while mine were just ignored. Made sure I behaved all the time and helped my mother best I could. I tried to get my two brothers to behave too so as not to provoke narc father (middle one was golden child and youngest was scapegoat who was blamed for everything). Until I became a teenager when I started making more of a fuss and getting involved in parents’ arguments to shut them up, trying to stand up for myself... that was likely me starting to rebel (slightly) and had enough of all the shit and of never being listened to 😂
i was wondering if it's possible to be both at the same time, I guess you just switch overtime.
@@cindymarshall Yes it's possible. I was both.
Same here. Nowadays I’m the scapegoat and invisible child. Depending the situation
my own lead to murder.. i escape . and i was no longer a pushover abus magnet . the sister ...
I'm the family scapegoat. Anytime, even as a child, that I objected to some injustice, unfairness, in the family I was accused of being a trouble maker, of trying to start a fight. I once asked my dad why he hated me so much. His answer was that I, "had a big mouth." Translation -- I was a truth-teller; I refused to go along with the family facade -- the lie that was presented to the outside world.
I'm also an empath. That might be true of a lot of scapegoats.
Your story sounds like mine.
I was the “back talker” because I was always challenging my narc father. I don’t think my mother left the mentality of being the abused wife, so even to her I’m still the scapegoat at times. Being the scapegoat made me challenge how a lot of people think (which made it great for my career, not so much for family relations). I’m still left out of a lot of family gatherings because even though I won’t challenge them at inappropriate times, I do at appropriate times.
My experience as well.
I agree, they label you as the "problematic one", heavy shaming tactics
Doris White I’m also an Empath, and I can relate to your story.
I'm married to the scapegoat and the way he STILL doubts himself and lacks confidence is so sad. His family would lock him in a closet, even in adulthood when I visited his family they would ignore him when he spoke. Being a scapegoat within the family system really sets one up perfectly for paranoia, social anxiety and so many other issues. Psychological abuse leaves so many deep scars.
😢
@Unicron6 excuse me?
Cut ties with them, convince him to do therapy
for me i did not give in to the roll in life jobs or other and i became not what others were. and i was happy and a billy jack for kids. i ws set upon by persons and brain damage and my life i worked so hard for taken down. wicked sister evil people dirty games and family sat and listen to me die, nothing i did in life htey failed at ws rewarded and the siste wanted me to go down.
Yes, it is a terrible thing to do to anyone especially a child.
Not only was I the scapegoat when I was a child, but now as an adult my golden child sister grew up to be a narcissist, just like my mother is. I am very happy that I cut contact with them
This must be a pattern. My golden child brother has also grown up to be a narcissist. When I finally learned about narcissists and that my mother was one, I wanted to tell all of my siblings. I poured out to my golden child brother about all the ways she has hurt me. All he said as a reply was “well she didn’t do those things to me”. When I mentioned clear disrespectful things she has done to me he said “she’s doing the best she can, just focus on the positive things about her”. I’m about ready to cut him off
@@KingMark33, yes, your brother is a minion and enabler of your narc mother. Maybe a narc himself. He needs to go.
My experience, also.
me too! it’s slowly feeling better every day!
LOL SAME!!
I was around 9 years old when I came from public school, walked myself home(around 15 minutes) and found the door locked. I didn't have a phone so I couldn't call anyone. There was no note left to say where everyone was. I finished school at 2:30pm... My mother and my siblings all older, came home at 8:00pm at night...from a wedding party they had gone to... I was outside and it was so cold, I even had to crouch alone somewhere and tucked my hands and feet in the school clothes I was wearing. They just got home and casually said they were at a party, I was pissed and confused at how they could forget me like that... This woman gave BIRTH to me... I have a son now too at 22... I COULDN'T imagine forgetting him to attend a party, leaving him unprotected and cold.. I just could never. At 22, I have figured her out.. she is toxic and narcissistic..but once I realised this... She no longer had ammo...I don't care anymore, I do what I want and fully ignore what she says lol it's great... At the end of the day, those that get hurt by narcissists are people who are expecting more from that narcissist and believe the momentary nice image they may portray... I don't believe her anymore at all... I see her for the sick person that she is. And I have never felt free my entire life until I realised this a few months ago... To realise it I first dated and married a narcissist and since my experience I can see narcissism in certain people and I feel as though I have a power now... No one can play me mentally anymore because I know the game.
So sorry to hear that, I've been through similar situations. It's absolutely horrible to feel too.
Jewelrybee Kay, That's quite a thing to have happen to you at 9 years old. Just. WOW. I'm so sorry.
You’re an amazing loving person. I admire you.
Take care. More power to you. Regards from India
Jewelrybee Kay, good for you. I got locked out at 12 years old because they didn’t want me on a weekend vacation to Niagara Falls. They came back and showed me photographs of all the fun they had. You know to keep quiet because a fight is waiting for you.
I’m with you that I could never do that to anyone either.
I had a therapist ask me one time, “describe your siblings starting with your oldest brother”. I said, ‘golden child” followed by describing myself as the scapegoat, my next brother is the invisible child and my youngest brother the class clown. the therapist said, “congratulations, you just described a textbook description of a dysfunctional family”.
Oh my god! I can SO relate to this! Amongst us four sisters, there is a scapegoat, a golden child, an invisible child and me -the class clown.
Sounds familiar. Hugs.
Did that help you when they said that? Or was it dismissive?
@@lauragrolla5916 no, it wasn’t dismissive because I had developed a good relationship with her by then. And yes, it did help to know it was that “textbook description”. Also, her comment prompted me to do more reading/research on birth order, so it was all good for me.
Wow. In my case...Big bro is the man of the family and is to uphold the family line. Second big bro is well..disabled and has special needs from birth so therefore free SSI money for mom monthly. Little bro is the GOLDEN CHILD. As for me? I'm the third son aka second youngest and I'm the scape goat child. I fight back and stand my ground when my mom will try to pick on me when I was a teenager. Sometimes I wish my dad was still alive because I believe if he was alive he would keep my mom under control.
I am the scapegoat. Everything has been my fault. I carried my family. At 25 I’m now finally ready to cut them off completely.
good luck Courtney... it is difficult to do that! Maybe work on your boundaries. To cut them off completely may hurt you more than you can imagine.
Indy1984 The thing is I do put up firm boundaries. But my narc mom doesn’t respect them. Phone calls always end in tears and accusations. My dad barely has anything to do with me. I’m to a point where I think no contact might be best for my healing. Thank you for your words of encouragement ❤️
Courtney, me too. I gave them every opportunity for mature adult conduct. Then I cut them off with no regrets. Things were complicated by a parent’s addictions. Same old hamster wheel.
I respectfully disagree with “working on your boundaries”. As a matter of principle, I won’t change anything about me to fix a manipulative person.
It doesn’t work anyway. They are dedicated to the status quo at any cost. Leave them to it.
Courtney go grey rock and low contact. Sounds like your still answering phone calls and engaging in JADE’ing. (Justifying, arguing, denying, and explaining). Narcs have no control over you if you control the narrative.
Courtney I agree. I find it necessary for you’re health. Sadly Removing yourself from toxic people/family.
As a golden child I turned into an empath. Always reading the room and accommodating everyone else. Being what others want me to be, to make them look good. As I break the patterns I am falling from grace. Thank you for your insights.
Same here. 100 percent. As I learn more about narciistic family roles, I see a pattern of the golden child is often villanized for getting the praise, and understandbly so. But what the other roles fail to see is the deep guilt and shame that we have for being unnecessarily put on a pedestal and always knowing inherently that we could never satisfy our parent's desires, no matter how much we tried. Couple that with the inner guilt we feel for being favored over our other siblings, through no choice of our own, and it's all a recipe for deep shame, guilt, and not good enoughness. Nobody comes out unscathed when raised under the abuse of a narcissistic parent.
It’s incredible. I noticed that when the scapegoat moved out, another person became the new scapegoat.
I called that the "one out rule". Someone had to be out of grace from the family. Never ever more than one at a time. But always someone, repeating between all the children who weren't golden children.
Was it the former invisible child?
I was the scapegoat. I moved out and now the youngest sibling (former invisible child) is the new scapegoat.
The former invisible child
Another interesting thing- when the N is alone and not supported by the enabling damily member(s), all of a sudden you are no long Er the scapegoat, but almost a friend…. It’s like the scary dragon becomes a tiny mouse… and you almost feel a sad sort of love for them.
I pray that none of us are or become N’s … and even now N’s be freed from their chambers of delusion and isolation 🙏
As a scapegoat, I got beaten the most physically and emotionally. Ganged upon etc. I've decided to go no contact best choice I've ever made. Its what worked for me. Currently in therapy :)
I made the same decision about my birth family and no regrets. I'm now dealing with narcissism again through my adult child's spouse. Grandchildren are pawns.
I did as well. My sister, the Golden Child was protected from my mom and my invisible sister was protected from my dad. But they never protected me from worst of each other. Im still suffering today. My mother will stop at nothing to make my life miserable.
Same here
❤️💖🐅💕
So happy for those who made the hard yet necessary decision to leave toxic members and move on with YOUR life!❤ beat wishes for all
It sucks to be the scapegoat. Being ganged up on, always made to feel like everything is your fault, and never feeling like you belong. I didn’t even know what love was until I met my girlfriend and got into therapy
U are not alone! Same situation here. I consider myself lucky now because i have my husband with me and he can see and made me realize how narcissistic my mother is.
Be careful to know the red flags of narcissistic personality disorder so recognize these people trying to manipulate you in the future.
I feel for u brother kinda the same thing happened with me...
I know tell me about it!! It does have lasting effects.unfortnatly it took me long time to recognise just by simply removing myself from the environment.had not fixed me.as a scapegoat I was still there in my head.in life situation s, unfortunately tolerated far more than needed to due to upbringing..only things only clicked in therapy.which was recent in 40s.🙈
How sad-tragic to be made to feel that way; makes you see what sinners we really are.
Omg the way you describe the scapegoat... I didn't even realise that having the ability of 'knowing' from a young age is what made me the target. 😭 I'm bawling
Same here.. I was maybe 8-9 and I knew it already. My role was determined.
What truly hurts as a scapegoat is the feeling of voicelessness, that your pain seems to remain invisible, the cause of your suffering incommunicable, that sometimes you wish you rather had some physical mark on you instead so others would see and better understand
Yes.
Even with physical and sexual assault .. I was invisible. My sexual assault was my fault .. it lasted from 4-9yrs old .. but apparently: I wanted it! I was blamed for it .. I was taught young that I can’t speak because it’s always my fault .. my mom would beat me if I said I was assaulted so I stopped saying a word .. then physically assaulted? I was hidden .. I was asked to keep quiet .. to avoid further abuse .. I tried to seek help but somehow.. I have my parents with their glowing image so I was exaggerating or I deserved it.
I hate where I am because I ran away and made a life then 2 years ago .. my dad surfaced in my life and I said no to be physically assaulted. I got restraining order .. after I spent 5 days in the hospital .. but he managed to stalk me enough to assault me again and now that broke me
I told the police but without evidence that he was near me .. nothing happened to him. And that truly why I am having ptsd .. panic attacks and anxiety .. I hate it
@@ABirdOnTheMoon that's really hard , i want u too know i believe you , its hard but u' ve got this ,perhaps try to get help from somewhere else where they dont k ur parents ( a professional who isnt biased), or try learning how u could help urself on the daily if u havent already , i believe u and believe in you, u've got this ❤❤
I felt this in my soul ❤❤ you are not alone
@@ABirdOnTheMoon i am so sorry. your dad will eventually pay when he stands in front of the just judge, God. he will also be subject to other shit while he is still alive that you may never see. your abuse was never your fault! dont let any of this break you, darling. i never had sexual abuse, not really, but i had everything else. get a good therapist and/or church (keep trying different churches if you are unhappy), and protect yourself at almost all costs. take care of yourself, babe. make sure you avail yourself of every help available. be kind to yourself. Jesus loves you.
Holy bloody hell all my life makes sense now. May you go to heaven woman.
Haha right? My husband was all "dang has she been following you around with a notepad or something". 😂
At least we have this platform, these videos, these comments. We had to live in darkness before. Feels like such a blessing. ☺️
Have a good weekend!
@@aspenram3885 ikrlol described my lifee
Thats exactly how I felt xx
Making sense of it all... taught me all I need to know about myself!
She is a saint.. Put on this earth to restore sanity far and wide.
Yes something like 🤯 BIG awakening
I was a scapegoat for sure. What’s eerie is I remember from age 12 saying words like “I’m not your doormat!” or “I’m not your scapegoat!” to my parents because I got so sick of getting wiped on all of the time. I was the object of everyone’s wrath if they were having a bad day to the point where I could FEEL IT by just walking in the room if someone wasn’t happy. Of course in that case, I was responsible for fixing them so that I would not catch the wrath.
This just makes me want to scoop up all the abused or unloved children and protect them under my wings
Thank goodness for places like this ❤️
Love your own inner child the most💜🙏🏻
ok, you legit made me cry. thank you for being the love that so many of us were missing.
Hi
Bless you for saying that!
Usually, the golden child is the one that turns into a narcissist and carries the family tradition on to the next generation.
The scapegoat child is the one that usually escapes the narcissistic family system at some point and has a better life in the end.
Based on my observations of 2 generations of my family
In my family the opposite happend.the Golden child decided that the didn't want that role.And the scapegoat though she left the family,became the narc of hers.
lia kara wow... your experience is exactly the opposite of what I’ve noticed consistently in my family. My generation is the 3rd generation of this toxic cycle that I’ve been observing, and I’ve been the scapegoat kid since about 9. My sibling is the golden child. I can see them developing narcissistic traits, meanwhile all the years of abuse I’ve had to endure made me start seeing a good therapist who helped me see what narcissists are and the torture I was subjected to made me take therapy and this disorder very seriously, so now I’m the one breaking away and leaving, while I’m pretty sure my sibling will never ever leave. So for 3 generations in my family this rule has held true. But there was 1 case in my family where the golden child ran off in their teens and another child became the narcissist. I think it does happen, but it’s very rare.
monkeybearmax hurts when that happens doesn’t it? I used to be very close to my sibling (the golden child) and now I see them developing narcissistic traits and I don’t dare get too close or have normal expectations you’d have in healthy relationships. It hurts to know you’re slowly going to lose the best friend you ever had growing up because they’re becoming something they would never have been if it weren’t for people who should never have been allowed to become parents.
Skylie I don’t have 1 family member anymore. They are either borderline from narc abuse, narcs or very narcissistic. I’m quite lonely now
monkeybearmax hey, I’m sorry to hear that you feel that way. If it helps, you really aren’t alone in what you’re experiencing. Every person who discovers this about their family systems and leaves goes through this period of feeling a bit lost and lonely. This is totally normal, even if it hurts, let the pain wash over you, don’t deny it or suppress it, because the pain will actually help you recognise how wrong the system you grew up in was and how good it is you got out of it. You’ll eventually get to a point where you start to realise that there are a lot of good people in this world and that having romantic and platonic relationships that are good for you is much better than having a family that destroys you and everything you worked for. The important thing is for you to start becoming totally independent now and self reliant. Emotionally self-sufficient, psychologically self-healing and mentally independent. This is an important foundation stone to base the rest of who you are going to be on. Once you’ve got this established, no one will be able to fuck with you in the future. It takes time, but it does happen slowly. So don’t give up hope, okay? I don’t want to come across preachy or force anything on you, but these are experiences I’ve gone through and if this helps anyone at all then that’s good. That’s why we’re all here after all, we’re a community of victims learning to thrive now. 😊
I'm an only child and I was all three: my "role" would depend on the situation
Same here!
🙋🏼♀️
I grew up a lonely child, carrying the weight of a single narcissistic mother and being the scapegoat/invisible. When I turned 13 my mother's partner became my step dad and he became the enabler, martyr, co dependent. Him and I used to tag team each other to bring relief to each other when the weight became to heavy to bear. My mother became jealous of our silent understanding and he became her flying monkey and they both tag teamed against me.
Crazy, manipulating gaslighting, smearing, denial, etc...Very distressing. My step dad is still in denial and I went NC to low contact years ago with my mother to maintain my sanity to this day.
Thts my kid now
Any tips?
It took me til today to realize I’ve been the scapegoat. I’ve always been blamed for everything, they all gang up on me during family gatherings and when I point it out they gaslight me. I’ve tried being the bigger person but at this point I’m exhausted. They’re the reason for my mental health problems which they’ve excused as nothing more than me needing attention. In return I struggle with finding help because I downplay it all as nothing more than a bad day or week. I can’t deal with this anymore
Armando, I'm so sorry. Any way you can cut them all off? You'll be better for it! ❤
You weren't allowed to need or want anything, and now you think the same way. So sad. I hope you find your way to full health and recovery.
You are not alone Armando. Maybe you need to cut ties and maybe keep them cut. I wish I had, like joined the Army or something and kept myself away as much as possible. Please just don't give up. We scapegoats have a lot of gifts that really need to be spread around. I worked with incarcerated women and found that I was uniquely qualified to do this. May our Father in heaven bless you with strength and wisdom.
I am in the same situation as regards family . But I used all their gaslighting to my advantage, by having a tougher skin & making money .
In otherwise, ignored them & their gaslighting as an adult & regard all this as background noise.
Just find good pipo in the world of billions of pipo & move on.
" Sucess is the best revenge " says Oprah Winfrey.
I was the scapegoat. The golden child went to uni and dropped out, didn’t even finish the first year. The golden child is a “scientist”. I did five years of law school including a masters and im a “failure”. Go figure. 🤷♀️
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'm really proud of you for completing Law School 😊
No matter what we do it’s never enough! It’s not us it’s them and we can’t ever please them so the best thing is to walk away
You are totally not a failure. Good job on your studies.
It's what you achieve and what you think about yourself that matters. Live your life and love yourself ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
@@aceclipse It would be better if you talk less and less with such a parent. Bad energy.
Scapegoat here 🙋🏼♀️.
Narcissist: mother
It’s scary how good she is at manipulating and convincing others of a false truth.
I knew something was wrong with my mother at a very young age.
Some people catch on to who she is in a couple decades.
Others...they never realize.
I miss the mother I’ve always longed for.
What you wrote really resonates with me. Thank you for voicing my feelings
@@grnddesign Me too.
I miss the family I never had. I absolutely understand this. Thank you for sharing.
You are not alone we had no mother in this life!
Very sad indeed
I hear ye
Plot twist!
When the scapegoat learns how to spot the game early on then, turns the tables by getting a MS in Psychology all the while keeping my knowledge on the low!
Good for you! 🙂
That is fantastic! Well done.
I am the scapegoat and my golden child sister became the psychologist - which has only furthered my abuse now she’s backed by her degree. Ugh
Skow ko !!!
precisely what my nephew is doing rn. getting a psych degree with drug abuse specialty. due to his mother's issues and his role in that.
Well done my friend.
My sister used to be a scapegoat just like me. Now, she is the brainwashed golden child who completely assimilated to our mother’s nonsense. Me and our younger brothers are still scapegoats. I have faith that I will be a whole-person one day.
That's the only problem I have that psychologists will say remember that the poor golden child is also a victim of narc parents except a lot of times they are accomplices and will hurt the scapegoat. I have no remorse for the golden child in my family they are trash.
Yes!! It changes sometimes. I was sometimes golden, other times scapegiared. There were 4 of us so it depended on who was doing what at the time, that depended on how our narc mum treated us.
@@jojomariejosee I feel that deep in my soul.
She assimilated because she wants to direct the abuse to someone else.
@@leahflower9924 For me, I see my golden child brother as both. He was brainwashed but never saw the light like I did (I was a scapegoat and thought I deserved it). I think he still believes our parents are good and all the other bullshit they told us all our lives and thought they were right, and that I deserved all the guilt-tripping.
But none of that absolves him from the wrongs he committed in their name and the abusive hell he put me through.
None of this is to invalidate your experience, because others in my system completely agree with you. I'm just offering another perspective ♥️
- Limmy
I was/am the golden child of two narcissistic parents. I am officially stepping down from that role. I do not have contact with my dad as it is unsafe. My mom on the other hand is seeing the change in me and is incredibly vicious and trying all the angles to “get me”. But I’ve got me now. I see her.
'But I've got me now...' most powerful.words ever.
GREAT for you!! Stay strong and keep those boundaries up!
I'm not sure which I am but both parents aren't people I am safe being around. I put ME first now & forever!
Same here, I have now become the skapegoat of the family. Aggressiveness has turned harder, but I also feel happier and at peace with myself
My mom as well The Narc enabler. The passive aggressive one...its all coming out
Did you ever think that maybe you turned out to be narcissistic yourself? I think I've been the golden child, now live abroad and NC work my narc mother, but I'm starting to see narcissistic traits in myself lately after having been involved in a rustic relationship for a few months a little while back. Thanks :)
I was a nervous wreck from age 6 as the scapegoat. When I left the house, I became invisible. 50 years later, I carry the guilt, flashbacks and terror. F them
I was terrified of my father from a very young age, and I think the PTSD continues to this day, and I am 68.
As a narc family survivor, I second that. F them.
F them !
Hey, it's alright. People recover at a different pace from one another. You have to remind yourself that as an adult now, you have the freedom you most likely didn't have as a 6 year old child to. You can make your own choices and be who you want to be. Don't and never give up on that.
🖕 to them on your behalf
I was the golden child growing up. Then I had really healthy relationships show me that my mom was extremely narcissistic. When my eyes finally were opened I took an IMMEDIATE fall now I am very much the scapegoat. I took the red pill and I will never EVER go back.
Same story here. Becoming a dad and my loving wife opened my eyes! I would also never EVER go back. I can't! Once you saw it, it can't be unseen anymore.
Same here.
ditto. except it's my father. turning me into a scapegoat made it much easier to leave father.
I was the golden child and my sister was the scapegoat/invisible child then she had children and our dad switched us except now she can’t see how toxic he is. This is really hard since our mother died and can no longer protect us, I didn’t even realize who he was until she died.
Same here. I was the golden child, also. I became scapegoat. I dealt with codependency, people pleasing and no boundaries. I'm slowly doing better on my own.
Invisible child here. I asked my mom once why she left me alone as a child (that's a serious understatement of her neglect but you don't tick off a narcissistic parent) and she said something to the effect that I never got in trouble and I didn't come to her so she assumed I was okay . . . In spite of the fact that at the age of 8 I went from a child who ran everywhere, all smiles, to reading books in my room after I was SA 'd. Both my parents "noticed" that I had changed and even had a discussion about getting me help because I was so withdrawn. Yeah, that never happened.
I'm the truth teller who no one wants to listen to in my family. I've learned not to poke the bee hive - they all sting you if you poke at it. Most of my siblings (four living) are narcissistic to one degree or another.
I am uncomfortable getting attention. Academics has always been where I have gotten attention. However, I've reached an age (62) where that has become very uncomfortable because I know I'm not the smartest person in the room - I'm one among many. More often than not, I don't know how to be comfortable as anything other than invisible. That's a dynamic I know how to navigate.
@Robin Laber Me as well. To say “it’s no fun” is the understatement of the decade. I’d happily be part of a self-help group for former invisible children. I can completely an utterly identify with every word you wrote!
I was also the invisible one and feel everything you say. Just became self aware of my narcissistic mom. It will be a long journey but rn I can’t stop crying everyday. I’m matching sooo many things to soo many npd patterns…. I have bumps on my forehead and misshaped skull bc she said I fell off the bed. She said I was the easy baby that all I needed was a bottle. I can only imagine how many times I needed to fall before I had a deformed forehead. When I had my boys she told me don’t worry they will be fine. Babies are hard to kill….. I was never noticed as a child so I stopped talking for long time. Maybe they’ll notice now… But still no one noticed. I would hide for hours maybe they would come looking. No one came…
@@scho637 😪. I know how you feel. I will pray for you to heal from the damage done. There is healing in Christ! ✝️❤️🙏🏻
Thank you…
@@scho637omg.... my heart rate just doubled I too was Invisible Child I lived in an alcoholic home everything was a secret so there was no talking in the family and they weren't shy about not talking or even acknowledging me I was truly invisible I was the trouble child looking for attention I also hid in the basement in my closet not until you mentioned it did I realize I was waiting to be noticed thank you another piece of the puzzle
My mom is a massive narc and my dad is her enabler. He will usually try to humiliate me when he's trying to show her he's a "good husband". My mom cut my long hair when I was sleeping when I was 7 years old because she was jealous of how long my hair was, claiming it was "baby hair and unmanageable". (I'm black so hair is super important to us). She put a bucket hat on me for two years and everyone I went to school with thought I had cancer for years. I stopped speaking and almost lost my voice because of this. My brother (the golden child) totaled his car (his fault, not the other driver) so my parents just GAVE him my car and I had to buy myself another car. I just went no contact with my family two weeks ago and I have never felt happier.
Yes stay away from them😨😨😮, they will only hurt u 😢❣️make ur own happy family, feel u, God Bless u ...
Praying for you! It takes a long time to feel good about yourself with a family of narcs! Hang in there and stay strong!!
Good for you . My heart dropped when you said about your hair what your mum did. As most women are hair is important to us
They are terrible! I'm so glad you got away from them
My narcissistic mother is a demon in disguise has done so much harm to me I also went no contact 5 years ago and the dysfunctional family, don't go back ever! Blessings your way.
I was a golden child that became a scapegoat in recent years. Having once been a golden child, I know how fake the seemingly good relationship between a parent and golden child can be. It's so sad. But I have such a newfound respect for those in my family that have been scapegoats for years.
Me too
But my sibling is narcissistic too😕
Same. Like a miniature version of our mom.
thatemilygirl True and it sometimes makes me deeply sad . I am no longer in contact with my sibling .My sibling is gaslighting saying things an Facebook and to relatives.I don’t know what to do but not talking has made life so peaceful
Have you ever got fake "i love you's" to control your emotions.
All the time .My sibling tries to make a big deal of birthday and stuff but the basic nature is so cold that the whole thing is more scary than festive !
I was treated like all of them at different times, depending on what was going on.
And if I made one of them proud, the other would make me invisible or start trying to tear me down in other areas, it was like I was a pinball never knowing what 2 expect and always someone unhappy about what I was doing. If my Dad was proud my Mother was jealous. Always.
So I stayed in my room, on my bed, listening to music as much as I could to drown out the fighting.
Me to
@@jenniferdolson8148 two narcissistic parents? Mine are too. It's really bad.
jennifer dolson sane here hun 🤦🏾♀️ the worst feeling ever. I am the middle child so you know how that goes.
I was both the invisible and scapegoated child: nothing I did-accolades, wealth, success-got even a congratulations. At the same time I was ganged up on by everyone. A very strange dynamic.
i was invisible so I don't have any identity, but I'm surviving this boring menial life and I got a child she said I could never get married or have a child but she got me married off what is that
Ex-golden child here. When I stood up to the abuse, when I finally mentioned and realized how cruel my family was being to me, I instantly became a scapegoat. Narcissistic parents hate being wronged and will completely refuse that they are wrong, thus turning you into the scapegoat. I used to change my personality and mannerisms just to appease my parents standards, making me feel less like an individual. I had so little time to individualize in my childhood that I never got the chance to feel like a real person. Upon hearing that, it took years to confront them, but that ultimately did nothing sadly.
Yes, agree.
That pressure at 6:40 is also brutal. Its an absolute hell once a golden child fails.
Yes, your experience is very similar to mine. As soon as I started to become my own person as a teenager and realised that things weren't right and started to push back, the emotional abuse began. It went on until I was in my 40's. In the end I became estranged. My mother died just over two years ago and I'm trying to work through the trauma and heal. I'm working with a therapist and now have a solid understanding and clarity about the situation. It's helped hugely.
Hey! Ex-golden child here as well and I turned into an invisible child instead of scapegoat but my mom did try to give the scapegoat lable to me.i paid a huge price including being beaten up to the point of bleeding and leaving the house for several months for few time😅.anyways I'm happy with being invisible now because now I suffer less😅😅😅
Same with me here!
Confronting any narcissists unfortunately is useless. They suck the energy out of you and never will own up to anything. I'm glad we know what they are so we can decide what to do going forward dealing with these horrible people. So what if they are blood? It's not an excuse for them to abuse us.
Growing up in a family dynamic like this is beyond bizarre and heartbreaking for the children. You either get away and stay away or you are sucked in for life.
I totally agree. I cut all ties with my narcissistic dad last year. No contact at all anymore. I have blocked him on my phone and everything. My son has nothing to do with him at all now either. I found out I have Complex PTSD. I also have fibromyalgia and rls and neuropathy, and OCD. Relationship issues my whole life. I have to tell you all something though. I'm doing so so much better every day and the longer I stay away from my dad, the better I'm getting. I've been listening to audio on Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker. If you ever want to really learn about yourself and who you really have been your whole life, this book blew me away!!! I found it on Amazon. Sending out prayers to all of you who are going thru anything like me. 🙏🙏🙏
@@LISA7-7 I can really relate to you and I sympathise with anyone with a narcissistic parent. It can make for a very unhappy childhood. It's impossible as a child to know what's going on and it was only much later, having severed ties with my controlling and manipulating mother, that I realised how tragically she affected the whole family. There were four of us and no father to moderate her behaviour or even help explain it. I'm still learning and putting pieces in the jigsaw now that these things are being openly discussed, such as realising that we were all alternately Golden Child and Scapegoat depending on her requirements at the time! I have just found this forum and feel that it's going to be very interesting and helpful. A child cannot understand that a parent does not love and want them but once I unwillingly accepted that reality, which was not until after she died, I could finally let myself be angry that she had made my early life a misery. She gaslighted me because I defied her plans for me and I essentially lost all my family. It's only decades later that I have managed to pick up the threads with two of my brothers and a favourite older cousin, and we can talk about it. The other brother seems to blame me for all his misfortunes because of her influence. I find that the hardest thing to forgive. Otherwise I've made a happy and successful life and found a wonderful and understanding husband and many good friends. Stay strong and work through it. There is so much help and guidance now, none when I was young. I am at peace with her memory and try to understand her and remember the good things about her. She had a hard life too and couldn't help her behaviour.
I hope it's not for life 😕
I'm the only one who stopped drinking the kool-aid when my mom died and now I'm the scapegoat. My mother's presence kept our narc somewhat neutralized, but not from her own kids. I hope to God more members wake up someday, until then, I've kept my kids away from them. We value true love on this limb of the family tree! Praying for all other children out there suffering from this type of abuse.
Can u be both? scape goat and invisible in the same time?
I'm the invisible child, unless I try to make any of my own decisions, then I'm the scapegoat.
im sorry for you
As the invisible child, you receive two comments where as the scapegoat got 260+ replies. I often fit this role.
I was the scapegoat child and my brother was the golden child. (He moved 2000 miles away.) My sister is still trying to get my narcissistic mother’s (my father is codependent and an enabler) approval by taking care of her in her old age. I have finally escaped and refuse to be any part of this highly dysfunctional family. My healing begins.
At some level the scapegoat gets it. So true. We see thru the craziness of the family and because we r simply trying to b ourselves the parents decide not to love us.
Yep. My brother knew what the score was, and suffered more. But he saw the reality and had to reconcile with it. OTOH I'm the one that has the mid-life crisis when the facade begins to crumble. There are no winners in this game.
Yep, damn right. They know how things really are, and can call the bullshit. This fact scares the narss. too!
Yeah i can relate
Yes! I’ve always had this weird relationship with my narcissistic mother. I just felt strange about her behavior and gaslighting. Because it felt like she was trying to trick me all the time.
I knew there was something wrong tbh
Very true! They try to project onto the scapegoat like their the crazy one but in truth they are the ones who are sick.
Scapegoat sounds like many an Empath's childhood.
The curse of the mirror.
This is a great way to think about it. Thanks for that!
@Metanoia Indeed, things aren't black and white always.
Omggggggg
@Metanoia It's interesting how you're continuing the cycle by elevating yourself & demeaning your sister by calling her evil. Why watch these videos if you're not going to use it to be a better person only to use it to learn new catchphrases like evil sociopath. Have you looked at yourself to see what kind of person does that to another, much less your own sister.
@@brownielove4389 Maybe her ex-scapegoat sister IS an evil sociopath. It's interesting how you latch rigidly onto a particular paradigm and wield it as a dogma from which no deviation is possible. These roles are an inductive generalization derived from aggregated data. Psychology isn't physics. You'd do well to ask questions first and shoot later when dealing with these matters.
I was the scapegoat until I went no contact 2 years ago. I'm still healing everyday and I will never have my narcisitic mother in my life again 💯🎯❤️💪
Yes. Keep going and learn how to love yourself in a really healthy way 🙏
@@hannahoriginal4698 Thank you so much and you do the same.
@@joshslaton8604 ♥ thank you
Me too. I went no contact on Monday. It was the best thing I ever did.
Josh Slaton, glad you finally made the decision to go no contact.👍 Now to work on yourself, & let the healing begin. I really wish you all the best. My sister is a Narcissist so I'm waiting till the day my nephews & niece are able to break away from her. 😢
~... remember it was the narcissistic parent(s) that gave you this role(s)...~
Thank you, Dr.Ramani 💜
I was the scapegoat and the golden child, depending on my mother's mood that day. I learned pretty quick that the praise was always only a form of manipulation.
Same but when I'm the scapegoat, my mother *might* hit me.
Same
Scapegoat....Learning to re-invent myself in my 40's.
You’re not alone ! I am right there with you ! Ugh:(
Well I just turned 60 and I am finally learning how to live.
@@christar9527 I'm 44 and only just starting to work on liberating myself from those who hurt me.
50 and finally see the light
Same thing
Sometime your sibling doesn’t want to have a relationship separate. They want to stand up for N parent and make you feel like you are crazy.
Christina Elizabeth Griffin So true. They join in with the scapegoating right along with the parents.
Yes! I dislike my one of my brothers more than anyone else I can think of. My mother is now dead but I don't even think the way I feel about her is the same as the way I despise him. He's deliberately cruel and enabled by his pathetic partner. I don't usually think about him but my sister has just been to see them over Xmas. I'm quite shocked by the strength of feeling.
@@chokinonashes61 .you are not alone. I simply hate the whole clan, one who gave birth to me and abused me before l could learn how to talk. Am the 1st born, the brother with girl parts is the golden child.sooooooo golden the mother separated from my ex dad to go live with him and his equally demonic wife. My ex sister who come's after him was soooooo good a flying monkey she graduated into an Ape. 7 years down the line l can't describe how they look like now. No contact. Cold war. Am not on any social media so they have no knowledge of which country l now live in.
My brother and others like to think my mother and i are the same. Hod how i tried to be kind to that woman after her abuse. Now i look crazy
That was it. But she complained that I was the golden child. She still has to be "better" than me. I have no relationship with any of them anymore.
I was the invisible child. I learned to fend for myself and never need anyone. The world is a sink or swim kind of place. I keep getting knocked down, but also keep getting back up on my own accord. Interesting how my golden child older brother is now using me because he can’t cut life on his own.
Im in the same exact situation, my younger brother is the golden child and leans on me for support when he already has it.. it boosts his ego or entitlement more
Hahaha same here, my older brother was the golden child and the middle one was scapegoat, the golde child needs our support all the time
Sad 💯🙏🏽💯
That golden smart child is screwed 😮😮😮😮😮😮sad to see so
Much intelligence absolutely wasted
@Michael Oesterle, cut him off. Don’t allow your brother to use you.
I was the invisible child until I got pissed in my teen years, knowing the whole game was screwed up and rebelled. I now live in Costa Rica, thousands of miles from the family and within 2 months, my sister was forced to replace my Role and is now the scapegoat. The golden child stayed "golden" lol. And yes, now he is a narcissist.
@alexandra lopez-torres i feel for you. it's hard enough to get out of an abusive household as it is, much less during a pandemic and an economic crisis.
@Ale L You can seek a therapist that understands about narcissism who can try to help you to get your own place and other resources and pray to Jehovah God have faith and he will provide. Never loose hope. I know how you feel I also have a narcissistic mother and I went no contact 5 years ago with her and the dysfunctional family. Blessings your way.
Do you think it is a common pattern for invisible child to get fed up, rebel, and become scapegoat in teen / young adult years?
@@laurav9661 on so many levels. Lol. But then I think rebellion turns into either narcissism or scald back and reconfigured with more maturity.
That's exactly when I started figuring out what was going on. That's when my mother started taking me to psychologists. As soon as they told her there was nothing wrong with me, she took me to a different therapist. Thank goodness I finally got out of their grips!
I feel like these roles were interchangeable in my family where my sisters and I all shifted between being the scapegoat, golden child, and invisible child at different phases of our childhood. Definitely spent the last few years creating some SERIOUS boundaries and healing.
Yes!! It was similar in mine! We all kinda switch depending on how the narcissist wants to manipulate us or pin us on eachother.
I'm so glad I'm not the only one. I feel like I have things in common with all three roles, but I identify as the invisible child simply because after a certain age, I felt totally invisible especially to my narcissistic father and my brother, and when I wasn't busy being invisible, my mother thought I was the cat's meow, golden child material, wanting to get me into her career path and it never felt totally right for me. So idk where I sit with all that 🤷♀️ Thoroughly confusing!
Same here, so confusing. I'm 36 and still struggling with these issues, so ridiculous
Same👀
Now that I’m an adult, how can a parent treat their innocent children like this? I don’t understand it hurts my heart because we needed protection and didn’t get it.
Exactly :( I still don’t understand why it happened. Why would you bring a child into this world just to torture them?
😔
If I were ever to become a mother, I am NOT gonna put them through the same suffering I was subjected to! Never!
@@sophiegeetman4271 I agree I will die childless rather than put them through this!
👏👏
I’m the scapegoat, and oddly enough, I really hit the jackpot with my Golden Child. I’m ten years older and I absolutely adored her and took care of her with my whole heart because my life sucked so much that she was all I had to live for, and in return she’s always been pretty loyal and loving and mostly had my back even in spite of the crazy dynamics. Probably helps that she’s mature for her age and has a good bullshit detector. Things worked out pretty well for me in the long run because A. I would much rather have taken the heat myself than watched someone so small and helpless take it B. My personality is much better suited to survive being the scapegoat than to survive the pressures and restrictions of being the Golden child, and Vice versa, and C. Although I had a shit family and a shit childhood, I came out of it with my freedom and with a really cool little buddy. Also, since we stayed in touch after I left the family, she has a positive example of what it’s like to live your life freely. Now that she’s getting older, has a degree and is gaining financial independence, we can finally do things that the family dynamics previously prevented, like traveling together.
I think this is pretty rare, because I have seen other Golden children absolutely eviscerate their family scape goat with no remorse and I would never ever invalidate that horrible experience. I guess I’m just proud of her because she chose not to turn out like the narc, and I want to give her some kind of credit, even if it’s in a random RUclips comment nobody will ever read 😂
My older sister was the golden child, for awhile at least, and she too tried to protect me when she lived at home. But something must have cracked in her relationship to our parents because she ran away in her late teens to live with a friend's family. Broke my dad's heart because she never came back to visit before he died in his early 50's. Not long after graduating high school she married a guy who became a career Navy officer and I lost track of her for 20 years. Although I finally located her when it was time to sell the family home, we never managed to get back together in person before she died.
My advice after all the bs I went through, because don't trust and stay away. They will lie even( family members), to make sure your miserable.
Best thing to become self sufficient, don't tell people your business, set your boundaries, make sure your lawyer supports you, be firm and decide what you want no matter what anyone else says. Find a good supportive therapist, and only surround yourself with people you treat you well and the ones that don't don't keep them in your life.
I have to work towards this..
If navigating a narcissistic family is like being in the middle of the ocean without a ship, one sane person in your immediate family isn’t driftwood, but a whole God bless’ed raft! If she grew up with you around to show her what real love is-not that sick knockoff narcissists peddle-then you are probably the reason she became a treasure.
good for you and her
Oldest brother - Golden child
Middle child me - scapegoat
Youngest brother - invisible child
This video made so much sense
Saw the exact same order in my dad's family. He was the oldest, the golden child. In fact, they even called him their #1 son. To an outsider this would just be thought of as a term for their first born, but no, the golden child was always put first, held high, could do no wrong. And what became of me, the grandson? A Flying Monkey. The covert Narc is still alive today at 94. Her golden child literally died in her arms at 57, a fall down drunk, and still, he could do no wrong ("always that someone else had made her son drink.") Now the invisible child is getting the remainder of his life drained from him being a caretaker. As for the middle golden child, who became a geriatric nurse and is now retired....will again, in the end, get the worst of it. She told me she couldn't take long term care of her mother until she's at the bedridden stage. We all genuinely love this covert Narc, but once I figured out what was going on in this family I finally began to pull back. And as I have.... my self confidence has sored, I'm happy no longer being manipulated, and after having been practically emasculated by this woman.... I now have a backbone and swinging set of balls.
Yep, I'm the middle child too. Have always felt ostracized by fam of origin-getting out was the best thing I ever did! (besides law school and the bar and breaking up with the ex with narcissistic traits-also a hoarder)
I'm the oldest child scapegoat. My younger sister is invisible child and my step youngest sister is golden child. That's shit is crazy, how my father has made us feel and how we all have to go through years of pain, therapy and healing.
Im eldest but im scapegoat how bout that
Literally my family, im the middle child aka the scapegoat
When I was working through my childhood my siblings and I seemed to flow through the different roles depending on the family dynamics that were occuring at the time. I spent my childhood as the invisible child, then started getting good at dancing. That excelling in dancing and high grades at school turned me into the golden child. Then when I had a breakdown in high school I was then turned into the scapegoat and haven't been anything else since.
I think it's important to realise that The children of narcs don't always statically stay in the one role. But it can be a dynamic process dependent on how the child can benefit the narc.
JD Phoenix absolutely!
Exactly! I noticed that I was my dad's golden child when he was having financial difficulty and his vehicle broke down. My sister stayed at her boyfriend's house, giving excuses as to why she couldn't help while I gave my dad rides and have given him gas money when needed (that I even sold candy for), and buying groceries. He told told me he was proud of me, one of the few times he said it if not the only time. Then there were ither times that it seemed like he always sided with my sister , no matter the disagreement. It also seemed like my parents always wanted to get in good with my sister, especially my mom. She tried to win her love b/c sister always pushed her away. Too bad it was at my expense at times.
@@Godlywoman88 it's terrible seeing how narc parents tear up any chance of positive relationships between their kids. I am now the outcast, despised, and regularly spoken badly about in their circles. I have no relationship with any of my family because I refuse to put up with abuse any longer. That decision came with losing my siblings as a byproduct. It used to rip me apart being the scapegoat but now it doesn't bother me. I don't view them as family at all anymore. I wish the same peace on every child of a narc
so true
So relatable !!!!!!
Usually people who were abused as children won't defend themselves as adults.
Sometimes just being aware of this is enough to fix it.
Omg, I just figured that out! Scapegoats have to learn how to defend themselves. They need to learn to set boundaries too.
That is easier to say than to do.
Doris White interesting observation. I think you’re right. I spent most of my 20’s taking advantage of therapy from college to undo the mentality from my parents.
I realize that my husband may be an abused child of narcissists. Now that we’re married, his people pleasing (with parents) tripled overnight. He anticipates their anger or pettiness over things normal people wouldn’t be upset about. He tells me to text in the group thread ASAP or else it makes me look bad. I stopped people pleasing long ago, so this is where we fight often.
His parents did a good job hiding their tendencies bc now they stopped hiding it. They demanded his sister get time off of work less than a week before his dad’s bday. She couldn’t do it and they’re painting her out to be the bad guy :/
Not this one.
@@StaggerLee68 What?
I am the scapegoat in my family. I noticed at 6 yrs old my mom was distant and cold. Unaffectionate. Dad was the kind parent. Whenever I received praise for anything, mom criticized me. I cooked, cleaned took care of my younger siblings starting when I was 11. As I grew older , one sister copied my hairstyle and dressing and told people she was me. She copied everything I did. She & mom are inseparable. They bullied me daily for yrs and eventually turned the family against me. I have gone no contact now and wish I did it sooner. The family behaves like a pack of ravenous wolves. I'm thankful for your videos Dr. Ramani. I didn't know what kind of nightmare I was living through at that time. My sister & mother have gotten more outrageous as time went on.
If you were/are a scapegoat, do not get into relationships until you learn to set healthy boundaries or chances are you will find yourself in abusive relationships
This video is opening my eyes to so many things.
I learned this the hard way, but I did learn. Stay away from toxic people. If that's not possible, have as little to do as possible with them. Absolutely set boundaries.
Omg! My first relationship was with my best friend of 15 years, lasted just one and a half months. First he said," you don't have to thank me or apologise to me for anything... " and I felt awww so sweet.. But because we were friends I am more casually like.. Hey! Thanks man.... Or Oh! I'm sorry I forgot that... You know like polite.. First he showed that he was annoyed coz I wasn't listening.. Then he slowly started Growling at me in anger through gritted teeth and clenched Jaws.. " I told you never to..." and I knew I was in trouble. I started to tip toe around him, really had to watch what I had to say to the point that I started avoiding spending time and having conversations with him. Oh and the manipulations, he would be like ' I didn't ask for your advice, just do this for me if your can or just say if you cant" that's when I started to confront him.
At last after one and a half months of this crap I talk him I was going away for a week, I was so glad to be away from him and felt peaceful for the first time on a long while. And I knew it was over.
But one thing that shook me was, I had lost my confidence totally in assessing people. I felt how could I have not know for 15 years that this is what he was. To think that as a friend I would have taken a bullet for him. But then I figured I was just a school kid when we became friends and had extremely naive in picking my friends etc. And he had become close before I had developed my filtering systems.
That shyte toxic encounter tought me well...
Y A S H N Y so very true.
True
When you’re an only child you get to be all three roles depending on the Narc’s mood.
Basically, I still remember the fond slaps to my face.
Yep
Very true 😐
That's why if you have a narcissistic parent, the best thing for you is to be the only child.
@@arctic_haze if you have a narcissistic parent, it's better you don't exist anymore. The mental abuse is way beyond tolerable level. I have attempted suicide when I was 8 years old. That's how bad they fcuk your brain and emotions.
I am an only child. I was all 3 - depending on how my mother felt the day. ... I'll stop here.... 😔
Same
Same here. Thank you for saying this. ❤️
Same
same!!! being an only child I was mostly invisible and then as I started realizing something was amiss and raised my voice against it, I became the scapegoat, and now that we face financial issues or there is any decision to be taken regarding my career, I am being gaslighted to believe that I was always the golden child, the apple of my parent's eyes and how they always want the best for me and have always appreciated my talents and skills.....
seriously it is so frustrating and confusing!!!
Same Isabella....many hugs and healing to you boo!
Dr. Ramani, you have literally saved my life. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and enabling siblings. No matter what, I was always cornered by my entire family, minus my sister. I never got any type of validation, no matter how clearly I explained things.
Amen KingM....
I'm a scapegoat. I can't believe it has taken me forever to get out of the 7th circle of hell, but I'm finally doing it!
Be careful, I got disinherited, if you can , play the game, as eventually they die and leave all to the golden children it’s mean d.site-cdn.net/6cd93335c8/a13ed7/scape-goat-teachers-notes.pdf
I so can relate.
I'm so glad you're in a better situation 🖤
I am happy for you.
Me too
The Golden Child in my family, turned-into a narcissist, himself, and narcissists, seem to form, a "pecking-order" .
That is exactly what has happened in my family. My "golden child" younger brother has grown up to be as narcissistic as my mother. And, worse, he has fallen down the Q-Anon rabbit hole, because the aggressive, alt-Right attitude suits his life vision that it is always someone else's fault that his life has not worked out as he anticipated.
I think that's happening to my sister too. And she still tried to fix everything. I feel so abandoned by her, she never helped me, and she is my older sister. But that's all she could though, she feels the need to fix my parents
Yes, they do.
Golden child is my older brother. Father literally said, he's as "good as gold." He is a sadistic narcissist who sexually physically mentally and emotionally abused me for years from when I was very young. It has taken me a lifetime to overcome. And I am still on the mend
I was the golden child, and as I approached puberty and started to develop an independent personality, I experienced a radical fallllllllllllll from grace lol
SAME...I went to college and became my own person and my dad selected my youngest brother as the new Golden Child
Oh my goodness me too!!! I was the golden child and then became the scapegoat but it was even stronger than my sister that was previously the scapegoat. After I escaped and moved away, my mom still asked them “isn’t everything better now that destiny’s gone” when I never did a thing to them. She won’t even let them see me, they’re all supposed to hate me for absolutely no reason other than the fear of also being disowned.
My brother experienced this fall and I think it's worse for them because reality hits all at once.
I was the invisible child, and I've been saying "I'll never be enough" for over 30 years. I don't suggest running from a narcassistic family into the arms of a narcassistic spouse. It didn't matter how many accolades I accumulated as a child, nor how much attention and care I heaped on my husband: never, ever, ever enough.
That's what we seem to do though
Yes, it’s never enough for them. Their requests are a bottomless pit.
1 of the more difficult lessons for many folks is learning that the NARCS actually are the ones that aren't enough...They are very limited & lacking people in so many ways,that's why everything you pour into them is never enough.
Well change that. You aren't a child and apparently haven't been one for a long time.
My first husband was a narcissist. To me it looked like maturity, because that is what I saw at home. He divorced me, mercifully (I would have kept trying to please him). I spent another 15 years looking carefully before choosing someone, again that I could respect, but he is a very morally upstanding decent man who has enhanced my life.
I’ve been all 3. I’m the invisible adult now because I’m rebelling against my family. But I’m good. God’s got me and I rather be a mermaid than be normal anyway.
Great video.
I'm an invisible child and scapegoat. I can relate. I don't know I would call it rebelling as much as just defending yourself and speaking up.
All 3
Thank you for saying this. I never realized I was also an invisible child, on top of being a scapegoat. I'd only ever heard about scapegoats and golden children, until this video.
It all makes more sense now. I became the "good kid" for two reasons:
A) I thought I could avoid my mom's abuse if I was just "good enough". Didn't happen, but damn, I sure tried, lol. So, scapegoat.
B) I thought she would finally notice and be proud of me if I just achieved more. There's the invisible.
I didn't know then what I know now - that everytime I achieved something, it just made her hate me more. Phew, the competitiveness was real. So maybe a little Golden Child in there. She got to brag about me in public, and then abuse me in private.
My sister, however, can do no wrong. She's a narcissistic criminal who abuses her kids, but it's always excused as "poor thing". However, when she was a teenager and I was gone, she became my mom's scapegoat. Horribly abused. Once we were both outta the house though, it went back to the regular roles of scapegoat/invisible and golden child.
So yeah, those dynamics shift. I think that's gotta be more common than is talked about, since nothing's ever so black and white.
Thanks for coming to my TED Talk, lol. But seriously, it helps to know we're all out here, trying to recover from horrible parents.
Same!
Julia D Only child; all three as well. I really admire what you said- “But I’m good. God’s got me. I’d rather be a mermaid than be normal anyway.” You are free. I’m getting there!!
I was the golden child growing up went to med school and became a doctor. When I started voicing my doubts and need to escape what was killing my soul, I steadily started to fall from grace lol.
Wish me luck on my way to the role scapegoat
Same! Golden Child and now scapegoat. Got phD and then fell from grave when I got married and took a break from my career to raise my children. Now I've wasted my education according to my parents and they constantly criticize my parenting.
Escape and be the Goat you are dude don't accept the fucking role. Save yourself. All thr best.
Hellooo fellow Golden Children-turned-Goats! 😁
The crime that has catalyzed my fall from grace was falling in love, thus 'stealing' exclusive access to my time and energy from my CN mother. I am fully prepared to become the new family villain when I eventually marry this darling man...and I'm slowly choosing not to care! 🤪
I was the scapegoat and my middle sister was the golden child
🤣 I think I am getting there too. I will come out of the closet to her eventually and she’ll put me right in there (mother). But I shouldn’t care.
It makes me feel insane, my mother won’t leave me alone. She has no respect for personal boundaries and my youngest siblings, whom she raised, enable her. I’m the scapegoat
Same
@@TheReetchou I’m learning to just focus on the positive and not to interact with her unless she is positive :-/ good luck and much love
Omg the no boundaries thing... I'm still experiencing that at 28
@@datingandlivingconsciously3082 Thank you so much. Wish you the same as well ❤️
My mom is the same . I recently moved out and my mom won’t leave me alone . She’s another that I have a social life and won’t drop everything and be with her . I think my mom had me as a golden child up till a certain age and my narc dad neglected me until my sister came along and she was the golden child to him. My little sister who is disabled was sadly blamed for the dysfunction in the family. Holy shit both my parents are Narcs with my dad clearly raising my sister as a golden child while I fell from grace from my mol after I dared to have independent opinions. I just gotta maintain distance . And fully disentangle myself from them .
I was the scapegoat, brother was the golden, and my sister was the flying monkey for my mother.
For instance my mother used to drag me out of bed in the middle of the night bash my head against the floor screaming she wishes that I was dead or never born. (and SO MUCH more). When I couldn’t take the abuse anymore, I ran away and turned myself in. My sister and my mother bonded in saying that my mother never hit me or abused me. I was sent to every treatment center in the state to help me deal with why I was trying to destroy my family.
Today my sister is the narcissist. I could go on for hours about the illegal, immoral and hateful things she does, while acting so self righteous and better than everyone, especially me.
I am 65 now, and finally realizing that I am not the most disgusting and most unworthy of being loved person on the planet. Thank you for all you do.
I left and the golden child became the scapegoat and ended up leaving, now the narcissist has been trying to find someone to take care of them in old age. Oh well.
Thats great. I like a happy ending.
This frequently happens to narcissistic parents - they become more lonely as years go by, because not only do they make themselves impossible amongst their children and family, but lose friends too, because of their appaling behaviour. My mother-in-law has a scapegoat daughter, who now is sick of getting all the garbage, and has cut her mother out. She always says "I'm so old now, I can say whatever I like" - and she does, that's why more and more people shy away from her. So, she is now pretty lonely and bitter. She has told everyone who listens, that her daughter and her husband has forced her to move to an assisted home, which is not true. And she always complains, about ailments, about ageing, about the doctor who doesn't listen to her, and all that jazz. A very tiresome old lady indeed!
When I left I noticed my sister couldn't handle the scapegoat role that was thrust upon her. It freaked her out to now be the total focus of his critical attention. She grew up being the invisible child so imagine the shock to her system. I feel bad that I had to leave her to save myself
@zumzy u Hey didn't I see this exact comment in another comment? It's almost like it was copied and pasted in multiple comments. You're not spamming are you?
Edit: you can’t see it not Cus I reported that shit. It was basically the same advertisement in as many comments as they could.
@@torhildsagenghansen6074 I think my six siblings feel that they need to hate me to win our dad's love -- which of course isn't love; it's manipulation.
Scapegoat here 🙋🏿♀️ I just went no contact a few days ago. I am 27 years old and I've just had enough of my mother's B.S.
Good for you! 👍🏽 Fellow scapegoat here of a narcissist mother. It took me until age 49 to finally go No Contact. You should be proud!
I stopped talking to them for 8 months, then made the mistake of contact over Christmas. Huge regret, back to no contact. Not worth it
It's been 13 years of no contact, this time. I've gone through this several times throughout my life. I'm determined to make this one the last. It's why I'm here. I have to remind myself of why I have no contact. It's still a struggle but watching things like this trigger and remind me of the abuse. I was an only child growing up and have been in all three roles. My brother was born when I was 21 so now I'm the invisible child. My brother has connections to money so he's the golden child. Just wanted to let you know there may be times when you get nostalgic or need a parent and try to reconnect. It will never change. They will always be narcissistic and they have assigned your role. It will be your fault you're not talking, not their's. I want you guys to know it's not your fault or responsibility to sacrifice yourself for a relationship that will never be supportive, fulfilling or loving. You can find other people who can take on those roles. However, it will always hurt but you are strong enough to make it through. I'm sending lots of strength and rooting for all of you who are struggling with this issue.
Good luck. Remember to remove them from all banking access, any guarantor roles on home/car, and change address for post for anything finical. My brother had his first 3 months of pay at a new job stolen, and I had my bank card and passport stolen.
I blocked my mother from my life 7 years ago, best decision I ever made. She doesn't know where I live or have my number. I only see her when I visit my sister. So maybe a total of 3 occasions during all these years
It hurts I need to keep distance from my own mother, but she is straight up evil and self absorbed!💔
When the scapegoat removes themselves, the dynamics change... The transition could get messy.
Someone's got to take the blame, but when they're not around, then what? 😎
Exactly! Let them thrash it out... Let them meet their own crap.
Move on, it's not your trip anymore! Wish them well in your mind, and enjoy your life.
Love and peace!
😁✔
My sister (the golden child) held resentment toward me for moving out of the house when I turned 19. During a conversation we had in our 40's, she chastised me for being selfish and only thinking of myself in my decision to leave. As far as she was concerned, all the turmoil in the family (before & after I had gone) had been caused by me. She said that my father was always right and that I was always the problem. He is a master at manipulation.
The Narc's only want to hear from you when they want to dump their crap on you or they want to know what you're doing so they can gossip about your life to others
In my family, my sister moved far away - she was mom's fav so not too much said about her. I moved out secretly so my dad couldn't stop me, also confronted the family abuse and it was determined by my dad that I was crazy after ODing and in hospital. Would he have thought differently if I'd not OD'd or gone into hospital? - I doubt it. He tried to keep me as his puppet. As long as there wasn't a man in my life to puppeteer me, he thought I was his job. The less I fought his rules, the more enmeshed I became. The harder I fought his rules, the crazier he saw me. He has no idea how much my little self adored him. He sacrificed that with his cult of self.. oh well.
When the scapegoat removes themselves they are often just replaced by someone weaker or blind to the situation who hasn't removed themselves as well, unfortunately.
I was an only child. My mom had me young and unmarried. She and I lived with her grandmother. I was both the scapegoat and the invisible child. She abused both myself and my great-grandmother. This clip has made me realize that I wasn't crazy and just feeling sorry for myself, that it wasn't all in my head. Thank you.
I’m the golden child. I feel terrible for my invisible sister and used to get away more attention before I went to college. I see her trying extra hard to be the perfect kid and she really is. Because I didn’t know my dad was a narcissist, I tried to use reasoning in arguments when I got older but it ended up with him not liking me nearly as much, claiming I’ve changed etc, and I became more of a scapegoat. But as soon as I gave up and agreed/ did what he wanted, he loves me again and I’m on a pedestal back in the original golden child position I’m usually in. It taught conditional love and I became a perfectionist whos terribly afraid of conflict and criticism. God bless any scapegoats, invisible children, or even golden children out there. We should be loved for who we are and not what we do/ the roles that were given to us
It’s not often the GC can acknowledge it. I know it’s not easy being any role with a Narc parent. But it’s nice to see GC validate that this happens.
Well said!
I was the Golden Child as well, but I could never tolerate the invisibility of my brother. He's always been so important to me. And I've tried my best to have him see his own value, but it's not easy coming from his greatest competitor.
Similar experience...except never moved back into golden role. Hanging out in invisible world. I don't cause waves like I did when I was scapegoat...but I also don't play by his rules. If I did...I could go right back to golden...I have no doubt. Now I'm watching it all play out with the grandchildren. It's horrible.
amen.
These videos bring me Joy in knowing Im not the crazy one, But they bring so much sadness because I realize hw toxic my family members are
😔
It's too late. I was the scapegoat and my sister was the golden child. My sister is now the narcissist. I don't want to connect with her or my parents.😖
Michelle Myers I’m in the same boat. My sister is a narcissist and my brother is also. The two parents are as well. I had everyone against me, but therapy has worked wonders. Especially someone who studies attachment theory as well that’s helped me tremendously learning all about that. Has helped me become more compassionate toward these people and “laugh them off” so to speak.
Michelle Myers I went no contact with all my siblings and my mom. Best thing I did for my peace of mind. It’s been 3 years and I’m still recovering.
Same.
So sorry to hear that. Sometimes it goes that way. I hear ya....
That's exactly what happened in my family, except my one ally(former invisible child) turned into a narcissist along with the other two golden children in the family. I am all alone and ready to cut them off completely.
I was the golden child when I was reflecting well upon my mother; I became the scapegoat when I developed my own personality. She now refuses to speak to me and has alienated me from everyone in my family. They all think I am ungrateful for not worshipping at the Mother altar.
I was and still am the scapegoat. Though l disengaged from them years ago, to save myself. Doctor Ramani explained it perfectly. I knew it was odd from a young age. It took a great deal of therapy as a adult to truly know, recognize and understand it though.
same here
Same here. And it's true what Dr. Ramani said about having everyone's number. Even how, in my 40s, I battle against feeling guilty for ridiculous things. I've cut my family off too, best decision I ever made.
I was the scapegoat and did have their number early on. I was married to a narcissist and (like childhood ) I thought I could save them from misery. What a rude awakening on many levels. Dis-function indeed
I am still the invisible scapegoat to a narcisstic family, my narcisstic father just died and the funeral is coming up and i am absolutely dreading it to the point i am looking for excuses not to go, but i know i have to. Feels like im going into the lions den.
Walter Abrams l truly understand that feeling. I told my Mother (kindly) years ago that l would not attend her funeral when that day comes. I will not put myself through that.
That part about cultivating a relationship with your siblings independent of your parents is GOLDEN and also helps you better recognize when your parents are trying to still force you and your siblings into these roles.
I wouldn't have described either of my parents as narcissistic but my sister and I finally started a better relationship after we both had our own babies. Sadly she died when her youngest was 2 and I have discovered I married a narcissist ... it took nearly 2 years of therapy 14 years later to make my life feel like my own
Problem is my mother has lied to us as adult children keeping us from having a Relationship......she still does it ...60 years of it ..stupidity all of it ...
My sister is the flying monkey for our mother,
Me and sis were always fighting growing up and she and my mom would team up against me. When I moved out from the house, she became the new scapegoat. Me and my sis became closer more than ever because she finally has some level of understanding, funnily enough. 😂
I was the invisible child. My mom didn't spend a lot of time with me or show me much attention, unless I was in trouble as a kid for something. She was good at showing me "when she was mad at me" by yelling at me followed by the silent treatment for days.
The silent treatment can feel so painful...
I was the scapegoat and the invisible child. I don't know how I managed to remain sane.
I feel that. My mother would literally ignore me for no reason while talking to the cat. I was such a sweet child and never deserved it. Narc POS.
Do we have the same mom?
the silent treatment mannn 😔 it would be for days
I definitely was the scape goat and the eldest child. Today I keep my mother at a distance respectfully.
Scapegoat here! I knew my parents were "off" really early on. On the positive side, it made me stronger and I've learned to set clear boundaries.
8 kids in my family. I can tell you now that out of those 8 kids, we now have several adult narcissists and a good amount of very broken adults. I was fortunate enough to actually be both a scapegoat and invisible. Neither helped me in my adult life, but 14 years with a narcissist husband and a PTSD breakdown has changed my life. I no longer associate with my family and working on a divorce right now. But I am healing and becoming whole and no one will ever take that away from me
💪
Betty, Jesus loves you so much! So proud of you for making it so far
Taught behavior 🙏🏽💯🙏🏽💯🙏🏽💯
My mom used to abuse me, she never abused my other 2 siblings. I wondered why but at the same time I was happy my other siblings didn’t go through what I went through.
Same
She was threatened /jealous of U...... Her demons, not ur responsibility 👹😟sorry 🙏 ❣️U go thru it
Omg that’s how I use to feel and think cos I didn’t want anyone else to feel the pain 😢
I’ve been the scapegoat and recently diagnosed with depression/severe social anxiety disorder. At age 33, I’m now undergoing therapy to “re-parent” myself and remove those self-sabotaging voices reinforced during childhood.
After my parents’ failed marriage, I became my mom’s scapegoat. Partly because I looked similar to dad who she hated. I became the conduit for her anger and was often labeled the villain in my own family.
My younger sister became the Golden Child - the direct extension of mom’s ego - receiving all attention and resources. She eventually became the same entitled covert narcissist that my mom was. She was dangerously manipulative - Perhaps the most hurtful thing she did was turn my “invisible child” brother against me using lies. They continued to gaslight me along with members of my extended family.
After years of growing up feeling like a cancer in my own family, I finally sought professional help. I met my amazing girlfriend who gave me the support and courage to finally seek help - my sister tried to triangulate and spread false rumors around my girlfriend too but ultimately failed.
I hope everyone else who suffered parental narcissistic abuse can (1) learn to forgive their parents, (2) choose to disassociate from toxic ppl and maintain healthy environments with people who support you and (3) value yourself and seek therapy no matter what.
I plan to set solid boundaries and come back even stronger. Eventually when I raise my own family, I’ll make sure my children learn empathy, have their emotions mirrored and are able to form healthy long/term relationships.
Let the process of becoming stronger begin for all of us💪
I see you. I feel you. We got this 😉🫶🏽
Remember we don't eow our parents nothing. It's better to cut off narcissist parents completely.
Fuck. I'm 13 and I have major social anxiety/general anxiety. Ik it sounds stupid to hear a 13 year old say "im depressed " but um yh. I also don't wanna self diagnose.
I've been self harming quite alot recently, after every 'fight'
I've been absolutely miserable lately, im getting nightmares again, and I just feel genuinely tired. When I wake up, I feel dread for whats to come. I go downstairs knowing im gonna get screamed at for something. I frequently wake up to my mum screaming at my sister. Shes constantly complaining or whining, but if neither me or my sister are in sight, she'll just be talking to no one in particular, but then when we eventually go downstairs, she starts on us.
(Me and my sister are the scapegoats. I have 4 brother, one is 2 years old tho and tbh he gets screamed at just as much as us.
My 2 oldest brothers are 20 and 21, they just try and stay out of it.
and my other brother is 16. He's the golden child. She doesn't attack my brothers, just me and my sister. I really don't know why.
With my brother who's 16, lets call him C, he spends the most time with my mum, as she's always asking him for help with the baby. He basically acts as a co parent.
My mum talks shit about us to him, and feeds him a load of bs, and now he's basically brainwashed.
She tells him we're "abusive" and "disrespectful " and that we "cant be told anything "
But fucking hell its the other way round. She cannot be told ANYTHING, she seriously believes she's in the right every time and thats fucking scary. She expects sympathy from everyone and anyone, plays the victim, acts different infront of guests. TALKS SHIT ABOUT US TO GUESTS. (Even to my siblings friends , they dgaf)
Tries to embarrass us and make out that we're rude etc.
It's so hard to explain how horrible my mother is without sounding rude, but I'm so glad some ppl here can relate 🗿✌😔
Yknow how I think she veiws me and my sister. My sister is the 'successful ' one, and I am the disappointment one. With me, shes just accepted that I'm a failure, and I've just gotten use to her seeing me like that 🥲🤷♀️
I wear hoodies and joggers, my sister wears nice pretty crop tops. I go out looking like a tramp every time, but like I said, my mums accepted that I'm the failed child.
But when my sister wears baggy clothes out or smthn, bc she just doesn't wanna wear fancy clothes for once, my mums like "what, why? 😰 but why don't you wear something nicer?? What abt that nice top you have? Why don't you wear smthn nicer tho??"
She probably sees my sister as an extension of herself.
Every time my sister puts on 'nice' clothes to go out, my mum showers her with compliments. Ik I'm not pretty and all and the stuff I wear is pretty average, but surely she can think of smthn better to say than "but you look a bit like a tramp" or "you're wearing THAT?"
I dunno, its just the little things that I catch and overthink abt for the rest of my life.
Me and my sister have both had eating disorders, yet she still calls us pigs when she's 'arguing' with us.
I get blamed for everything. Even when I'm not involved in an argument, my mum has to involve
Me somehow or include me in the argument.
@@summer93i how is it going now? better? same? worse?
@@brookemetzger1 the same tbh. But its ok, I think im doing better. 14th birthday coming up soon, I'm kinda dreading it lmao
This video was my wake-up call, at 26, in realizing that I am my family's scapegoat. My mind is blown and literally everything about myself and my life is starting to make sense to me now. Thank you for this. The self-awareness may not immediately eradicate my lack of confidence, self-esteem, and agency, but it's a start.
It is good you are realizing now! Therapy helps, Greg rocking helps. Good luck!
My brother is the scapegoat. I am working right now to build him up now that I've graduated university. He's only 16. Would you say it's too early for him to gain awareness of this? Do you think it would've hurt you as a kid?
@@antoniopanoflo123 No, it’s not too early. He needs to know, ASAP.
@@antoniopanoflo123 Im sure he would notice something is wrong with the family dynamic by now, I was his age when I started researching narcissism so I'd say give it a shot
@@antoniopanoflo123 the opposite!! The younger he fully understands these things the better! My whole life would be different if I’d known these things at 16
I'm the scapegoat. Was told I said something 33 years ago to my parent, and the parent held a grudge against me for all these years. I realize it was projection.
Dang me too. Its not normal
I was the invisible child, my brother the golden child until our mom went back to college. It switched then because I could benefit her more than he could. She used to pit us against each other all the time. There years where we didn't speak. It was actually one of your videos that open my eyes to her narcissism. I shared it with my brother. Later, we did exactly what you talk about at the end of this video- we shared our experiences and learned how to function together, how to spot her triangulation, how to navigate her. We're closer than ever. You were instrumental in that. Thank you 💙
I am coming to terms with the issue now. I hope one day to bridge the gap with my siblings The difficulty is them seeing the manipulation that always pitches us against each other. Looking back any big bust ups with siblings .. guess who was at the centre. I think my mum could not stand me calling my sister : sister mine . I had “ taken “ the role of the one who loves away from her. So so sad. As if loving is exclusivel.
I am a golden child that fell from grace into the scapegoat role. Life in my household sucks but I’m hoping to break free and start healing as soon as I can.
I wish you success.
Yes, that's me please make plans.
I was the scapegoat. I always remember being confused. I could never understand what I did wrong to make my dad yell at me constantly, call me names, and not allow me to lock my door so he could come in to my bedroom whenever he wanted to to yell at me. He was a religious guy so he also used that against me and told me I had "mockery demons". Funny thing is I was quiet 100% of the time and never defended myself (why bother?) so I was basically a perfect child, never complaining or having an opinion... yet I had pride and mockery demons. And my brothers would team up against me when he left, and say the same things. And my mom would be in the background, passively doing chores, just surviving. Later would come in my room and ask me to apologize to my dad.... again never sure what it was for. She had one goal- to calm my dad down. I would say sorry for having demons... or something. I knew me apologizing would make my dad better. So growing up anytime someone was angry, I knew it was my fault automatically, and that I must apologize to them. My dad even blamed me every time him and my mom got in a fight. Everything was always my fault. I learned never to show negative emotion. If I ever looked upset he said in a mocking tone "oh you're gonna cry now?? Go to your room then, go feel sorry for yourself, woe is me, pooor baby" So I always kept a nuetral face and stayed out of my house as much as I could. Home was never a safe place. Escaping became my goal. I'm shocked I never did drugs or became super promiscuous. I was probably afraid of the even heavier backlash if I did something bad and he found out.
I can honestly say- I HAVE COME A LONG, LONG WAY. As an adult I joined a really great church, and have found healing and lots of great people that have heard my story and listened to me, and helped me see great things about myself. God is little by little teaching me he is nothing like my dad, and how important my voice is to him. Me and most of my brothers are very close (my older brother is also a narcissist, so we keep a casual relationship), and we complain and know about my dad's tactics. I have an opinion on everything and speak my voice. I've even told my mom about this and how I think she should leave my dad. (She's still with him by the way). I set up boundaries with my parents, and he now knows I will talk back if he insults me, so he never does anymore.
By the way, there came a day I knew i needed to stand up for myself to my narc father. And I did. And it was UGLY. And he disowned me for 2 years. But we talk now (it took me going to the ER for him to talk to me again, I passed a gallstone) and he knows he can't walk all over me anymore or I'll call him out on it and walk out.
But I think the best healing has been accepting that this won't change. Until a week ago, I always thought each time I'd see him (a few times each year), maybe he'll be different this time and finally be interested in me and not talk about himself. Nope. I thought once i get a great job or get married that he would finally be interested and ask me questions, but at Thanksgiving, my golden child brother who DOES have those things got asked not one question about it. My dad never showed interest, even when my brother brought it up. And a lightbulb went off. It will never happen. It doesn't matter if I become president. He will still talk about himself and never be interested in me. The only way to be in a good place with my dad is to talk about the things he loves. Period. I feel so much peace knowing I don't have to try anymore. I don't have to try and make him interested in me. Not gonna happen. And I'm ok with that. I can move on. And find a man that does care.
That was really long. If you read the whole thing, thank you. Felt good to let that out.
Ps. And the thing about the scapegoat seeing through this is so, so true. I saw it all and it felt amazing when my other brothers finally realized something was wrong with my dad. I've been told I have a "fake radar" and can see through people that carry masks and present themselves falsly.
Omg. This made me cry so hard. My story has been so similar. Like even down to the not being able to lock your door thing. He took the door off my room eventually cuz I would fall asleep after middle school with the door locked and he didn't like that so he took it away.
Anyways thanks gor posting this. I'm sorry it's been such a crazy life.
This made me feel less alone.
@@SarahSkinnyJeans thank you for sharing that. Its weird to think other people have similar experiences to me. But also very comforting too. ♥️
@Onyinyechi U thank you for sharing. That sounds similar to my story too. I really think scapegoats are actually overcomers afterward, because that's what you sound like to me.
I read it all, I'm moved. Like it was my own thoughts and experience. Thank you it helps me in my journey to get my sanity back. Glad your getting there too !
Wow. Thank you for sharing. I relate to your story so much. My father also used religion, as well as my culture (we are first gen immigrants) against me, to control and manipulate me. I am currently at the end of undergrad, and struggling on the transition out (the thought of moving back home is unbearable!), but your story made me realize that I am not alone. So thank you, and I hope all is well
I’m one of three daughters of a narcissistic mother. My eldest sister was the golden child, middle sister the scapegoat and I was the invisible one. Every day is a struggle against the effects of being raised like this, my goal now is to not let this affect my child. I don’t really speak to my sisters, or my parents.
Hi Julie, sending you love from a distance. Least you see 'get it, it's only been several months for me, wish it was several years. I survived by dating and moving out young. It was very rare that one felt 'relaxed' when at home... Guys often think I'm flirting but nay, I'm just so glad to not be any of 'them'.
Sending love to you too Josee xo I’m on full-alert when I visit my parents, I now know exactly when my mother tries to get narcissistic supply, I’m also very selective on what I share with her cause anything can be used against me or twisted to create divide between siblings or my father. It took me a year of weekly therapy to get to this point, it was painful process and very isolating setting the boundaries but necessary. I wish my younger self had the insight to push through with therapy. Looking back on my life so far I tried to use humor, good grades, my work and at some point even my looks to get noticed, by anyone, but especially my parents. I settled for some bad/incompatible relationships because it was great getting attention. It was only when those things fell away, and I had no form of outside approval, that I was forced to start building my own self-esteem. Painful but necessary.
Julie, I was scapegoated and my sister was the invisible child. Our brother was golden child. My sister and I are sooooooooooooo close. We've been very close for about 15 years. I love her more than anything. I understand her. I used to jealous she was ignored and I had wrath, and once I received therapy, I was able to see her through her experience. I wish you the very best.
L D maybe sometime in the future my sisters and I can reconnect - all of the best on your healing journey too xx
Julie Mosz You know it feels like it's wrong to not have a family!? I being the youngest of 3 daughters. I have tremendous guilt that I couldn't give my daughter what she needed? A family that loved her. I'm broken and tired of being the scapegoat. Barely keeping a roof over my head. Always feeling it will be destroyed by them. They say the y love us though go out of their way to make me suffer. I'm 50 now and still shocked how evil they are. All I ever wanted was a family. And they Never gave me that. Not once did I have a big sister there to teach me, look out for me. My older sisters led me to danger and would leave me. I have been raped bcuz of them & they laugh. when I was suicidal I was waitn for them to show up to take me to hospital. What they did was all gather and one by one threaten me & tell me what a disappoint I was. ... then they took my twin sons from me after I was raped. They said I could use a break and they dropped off the face of Earth. No worse feeling being duped by family. My daughter has no brothers that love her, I have been grieving so long I can't let go of the loss. Not giving my daughter the mother she deserves. I don't like "hate" tho they deserve the worst torture, I can't even write anymore well without spell check. That tells you how fucked up I am And the Guilt & shame is excruciating...I wish that my kids not be like the Narcississ within our family. "We got weeds get the weed killer and light this tree up, it's nothing more than a flimsy bush". I love my kids but HATE WHAT MY FAMILY HAS TAKEN FROM ALL OF ME. "Me."...
I was scape goat or invisible, if they noticed me it was always all my fault. To others they spoke of me as though I was the golden child, this helped them to hide their criminal physical, sexual, & emotional abuse. Good luck in your journey & know you are loved.
I was mostly the golden child growing up until I became a police officer and my training helped me to distance/see the deception happening in my family life. As I became aware and questioned more, I slowly became a scapegoat. Progressing through adulthood, it seemed to switch back and forth between me and my sister depending on who was in her good graces (is that common, to get regular switching like that? I'd love to hear more about it). The triangulation was also intense, and my relationship.with my sister was ruined. Then when I published a children's book 2 years ago, I became the golden child again. It was eerie how nice she became -- on her best behaviour -- and all the while I waited for the next shoe to drop again. When it finally did, I had enough & set even firmer boundaries. I'm now a scapegoat for life and everyone in my family blames, shames, and hates me. Watching these videos has provided more understanding, uplifted me at times, and helped me not feel so alone, Dr. Ramani. Thank you so much. I'd love to hear your answer to my question in parenthesis above if you ever have the chance. Thanks again.
Hello, I think I might have experienced something similar to you. Golden child growing up, scape goat in my twenties (for being the child who didn't bear my parents grandkids amongst other reasons), seems like I am the golden child again for being a good Aunt (I'm like a big kid who goes swinging in parks. I enjoy it)... I even feel like both in some ways, the black sheep and the favored one. However, my parents are not diagnosed as narcisstic so I really cannot say this is certain.
@@adriasorensen2249 Sorry you experienced that. It's maddening how they can shift so easily depending on their whims or goals. My mother isn't officially diagnosed either, and likely never will be. She hates therapists. They are agents of the devil that twist and turn a person against their family (her words, not mine). *sigh*
My next oldest brother was the scapegoat for years till my daughter became a teenager. She was smart enough to see through the mess and avoided my mother. So my mom focuses all her anger and blames my daughter for everything.
@smackamoe So sorry to hear your daughter is having to deal with that. It's good she can see clearly through it all. I worry for my kids, too, that's for sure. I am very low contact now.
My mom uses her past life to make me feel guilty for standing up to her.
Same here
Same.
Truuuuu
YUP and her past life to invalidate my experiences and my siblings
I was sometimes invisible and sometimes scapegoat whatever convenient.
me too... it depends how they want to....depends on what my standing in life is. Often when they see I'm starting to stand on my feet again, they will latch on and do everything to get what they want and when I fall, all the harsh words about being "wrong" at this and that that "I never believed them,..." it's a cycle.......
In my experience our rol in the relation dynamic with the narcissist changes according to the narcissists needs, so I take this roles as a fluid. I could say I was the 3 of them at different points.
Same. I even felt like the Golden Child once in a great while if I achieved something or got praise my mother could bask in. Usually, though, I was in a scapegoat/invisible flux.
Aarthi Shetty me too.
Aarthi Shetty same. Still am. It’s crazy how these roles don’t change even in adulthood.
I felt invisible, I craved attention and became the scapegoat by speaking out
How do you feel now?
omg same
I was just thinking the same thing.
I was my dad's golden child *and* scapegoat--whichever he needed at any given moment
My husband is the scapegoat. I was telling his mom about a vision for a project we wanted to do. “You guys can’t do that. It’s not a good idea” In literally the same breath she started telling me how his brother (the golden child) wanted to do the same thing and had a total sparkle in her eyes while telling me. My mouth dropped.
Oh god 😟