Try THIS the Next Time You Have an Uncomfortable Conversation | Simon Sinek
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- Опубликовано: 26 сен 2024
- The best way to practice uncomfortable conversations is by actually having them.
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Simon is an unshakable optimist. He believes in a bright future and our ability to build it together.
Described as “a visionary thinker with a rare intellect,” Simon has devoted his professional life to help advance a vision of the world that does not yet exist; a world in which the vast majority of people wake up every single morning inspired, feel safe wherever they are and end the day fulfilled by the work that they do.
Simon is the author of multiple best-selling books including Start With Why, Leaders Eat Last, Together is Better, and The Infinite Game.
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#SimonSinek
This works great when dealing with two healthy open-minded individuals. These same rules don't apply though when you are dealing with an unhealthy, toxic and/or narcissistic individual; which is why it's important to know the type of person you are dealing with first before deciding on how to proceed.💛
I do agree with you 💯 though Simon in that some of the healthiest and happiest relationships are the ones in which both sides allow themselves to genuinely, authentically, honestly and respectfully come together and agree to have these types of uncomfortable conversations with one another. 💛 Healthy communication is essential in order for our relationships with ourselves and others to grow, deepen and continue to thrive.✨
Excellently said.
You nailed it. I had both types of experience several times. Being able to have this kind of difficult conversation is a major hallmark of a balanced personality and great basis for friendship.
@@mrtony3152 Thank you💛 This is one of those comments that only first hand experience can teach you all around.😌
Some of the most uncomfortable conversations that we can have are the ones with ourselves; and yet they are the ones that are often most necessary.✨
When we choose to allow our walls to come down with ourselves and others and actively listen to each other from a safe and non-judgmental place it's amazing all we can learn. ✨
In a world of texting and social media verbal communication is becoming a thing of the past unfortunately and human connectedness is suffering as a result. Instead of being able to feel and hear each other's emotions, see each other's body language, and allow ourselves to be vulnerable in the presence of another we often feel safer and more comfortable with the written word. This allows us to say what we want, hit send and then move on with our day. Having these uncomfortable one way conversations though often leads to a whole plethora of problems including unnecessary misunderstandings, hurt feelings, anger, resentment and a frustration. 💛
Choosing to engage in healthy two way communication on the other hand takes a great deal of emotional maturity and willingness on the part of both parties.✨
As you so beautifully said in your comment as well Mr. Tony the success of these conversations also depends on the other person's ability and willingness to have them. 💛 As communicators it's hard to remain silent and not engage with another, but with a narcissist or manipulative individual that really is the healthiest and safest path; which is just as important to recognize and accept.💛
Have a great day and my hope is that you are able to surround yourself with people that have the desire and ability to communicate as effectively as you do.💛 God bless 🙏
@@hanswoast7 I agree with you 💯 Hans. Awareness is key.💛 As I was just saying in my reply to Mr. Tony this is one of those areas in which first hand experience teaches you a lot about ourselves and others and how to proceed accordingly.💛 Healthy communication is a wonderful tool to use to help deepen relationships when it used properly and with good intentions.😊 Have a great day!☀️
Unfortunately, this is fully true since often we are in asymmetric situations, difficult to master. However, is always better to give a try, at least we can practice.
It highly depends upon 2nd person too and you cant do anything about it, you might have the skill and sincerity to engage but he/she might not and that is the main problem I face.
Good point! We have to remember that we can not control other people’s responses/reactions.
We can deliver difficult feedback perfectly and not get the response we hope for, and we have to be okay with that going in.
Yep. If you cannot have difficult conversations at all, you should probably leave. Might be a sign of narcissism.
@@UncommonShapes I agree 💯 Jessica.😊 Great comment and reminder that although we can't control how others respond or react, we can control how we do.💛
@@hanswoast7Not every single difficult person is a narcissist. Jeeze =.=
Sometimes people may leave the conversation persuaded by your words, and they'll have convinced you they're not persuaded at all
Simon seems like a very genuine and caring person. I like him.
I did this a few years ago. It's uncomfortable to address the elephant in the room but worth it. There's no gaurentee things will last after doing this though. It takes both sides to want it and that's the risk you take. In our case she told me she didn't think the friendship was sustainable anymore but thankfully we parted on civil terms. I still believe the risk to have difficult conversations is worth it though. If they decide to walk away that has to be respected even if it hurts. It's their perogative.
Thankyou for sharing your story
@@wkt2506 Thank you for thanking me.
I think it is also ‘your prerogative’ depending on their response to the conversation. You’re right though - we do need to have the confidence to face the risk of the outcome.
Part of that difficult conversation is being willing to listen and understand each other's viewpoint being different and respecting it over protecting their own ego
I would add that it is important to be prepared for these conversations by rehearsing what you want to say, listening actively to the other person, and being respectful of their feelings. It is also important to remember that uncomfortable conversations are often necessary for building strong relationships and resolving conflict.
I think it is a good idea to be prepared, but I have found that the majority of the time (especially uncomfortable conversations) dialogue or conversations are extremely dynamic. It's not like presenting or saying your entire conversation then waiting for the other party. Usually if it is a conversation that has upset you or you would like to address it is, just as Simon said, you bring it to their attention, but what is the most important part of this, is the other party's response to you. Depending on their response will guide you on your approach to the next part of your discussion.
You can prepare all you want but every person is dynamic and extremely hard to predict, depending on their characteristics, attitude at the time, environment, nature of the topic being discussed etc. they most likely will have a response that you haven't practiced, and you could practice a thousand different scenarios and still not get it right.
It's sad, that I need to watch videos like this, to be able to address my feelings to other people, cuz I simply haven't been able to start a discussion about my feelings without leading it to an argument with both of us beeing sad, angry and without any solution. So thank you for making videos like this 🙏🏻
Check out Marshall Rosenberg’s talks on “Non-Violent Communication “
It suggests a wonderful way to communicate effectively with each other.
Ps: he says we should talk about our needs, more than our feelings, because feelings are often reactive and misrepresent
It's not sad, like he stated, it's a human SKILL. We are not born with skills, we must be aware and work towards developing our skills.
This video was a Godsend. This video literally popped up on my feed about 30 mins before I had to confront my son in law and call him out. This video made it so much easier and helped me salvage my relationship with him.
This is a very tough, but important skill. I run a small business, and often become very close with many employees. We spend so much time together. Labor intensely side by side (the whole "blood, sweat, & tears). It becomes daunting & incredibly difficult to have conversations regarding tense issues. This is great feedback. The way you approach others, no matter how difficult the topic, or the person, matters. If you can be humble, understanding, curious, listening, respectful -- it always produces a much better discussion & outcome.
I know, because I have failed at so many prior to hearing Simon help hash out more kind & efficient alternatives to broaching these situations. Thank you.
Love this. Labeling the emotions and feelings effectively is the easiest way to keep difficult conversations on the right track.
You explain even tough topics in a simple way.
This guy is brilliant on so many levels. I would subscribe 100 times if I could. One of the reasons why I so very much appreciate him is that he is more interested in truly helping you then he is in demonstrating his own intelligence. He truly wants to help. He distills the complexity of human relationships in a way that makes it easy to understand and apply. Should be required viewing.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I am the ‘one’ who is always running in the other direction ( 🏃🏼♀️💨flight ) when it comes to having discussions like this. Done it all my life. Have had plenty of practice. But I have always hated the feelings I was left with from not knowing how to behave in these types of situations. 😕
Your offering ‘the words’ is what I always look for when seeking new learning. Best of all - the words sound honest + respectful. The bonus in this lesson, for me, was that you seemed to have ‘deepened’ your new relationship BECAUSE you respectfully addressed the ‘awkward conversation’. Thank you for ‘the words’. They are powerful + empowering. 😌❤
Wow!! This should be an Introduction to life 101, especially once you are a teenager! Must be taught in schools, colleges & workplaces! Would help build better relationships! Thank you for this video! Like your books and other talks, it's fantastic and insightful as usual! :)
There's something called Psychology that people learn in high schools and most universities have communication classes, even if they don't tell you straight up this specific thing, if you don't realize it by the time you're 25 it's a you problem, and even if they did tell you it wouldn't matter because people wouldn't care about it unless they realized the importance of it on their own skin. People have the opportunity to learn from the mistakes of others all the time, yet they make the same mistakes themselves and they don't learn from others, so no, teaching a 15 year old the importance of how to have this kind of conversations is useless when most of them don't have the courage to start it or brush it off as another "boomer" advice.
I love this. Having an uncomfortable conversations is so humbling. It's a great opportunity to have a soft teachable heart. ❤❤
Such a forgiving way of seeing it😇 I’m 21 learning to have these more authentically and this perspective is a nice way to see it
Leaning into discomfort truly helps with growth, either personally or in relationships. Thank you for sharing this process and how it worked for you.
So many people and relationships could benefit from learning these kinds of skills, thanks for taking the time to make a video like this.
You can also turn it around.
You can also say "I would like to schedule some time with you for you to give me feedback. Because I feel I didn't meet my standard in resolving that issue with you."
And at the start of that meeting I opened with: "If you feel I am not listening, please tell me and I'll do my best to listen." And it deepened the relationship and I learned something about my behavior and signals to watch out for.
You want to avoid the "Fight or Flight" response and this could be another way. I also was keenly aware to ask clarifying question whenever I got an emotional response. It gives you time to process the response and an opportunity to understand better. Hopefully it prevents getting into a negative spiral where instead of de-escalating, it could potentially escalate into "rightfighting".
I love you man! Been following you for years! I love hitting false leaders with your blinding light! Rapid fire Simon videos all week!
Thanks for lifting this up. And not just clickbait, but actual practical and informational video. Four minutes worthy!
There's one major aspect of this advice that gets overlooked:
It takes balls.
And a lot of people sadly CHOOSE not to have balls.
I wish I’d seen this a couple years ago. Missed all the preamble words that prepare the other party for what’s to come. Thought my honesty and vulnerability in sharing my deep hurts to a decades old friend would shine some light and lead to restoration. It only alienated further. Knowing the insecurity and trigger-sensitive heart of my friend, this preambled approach I believe would’ve made a huge difference. She had her defences up despite my presenting my hurts like Simon has described to do here. I’ve been considering how to go back and have another conversation with her. Grateful to have come across this beforehand to help me in framing my approach. Thank you Simon.
Yeah I think @simonsinek could add something to this about our own expectation management. It's a process of being open but it's easy to form a storyline in your head about the awkward conversation and how the other person will interpret that, how your relationship will grow etc! Who knows what will happen until you actually have the conversation you don't know. It's alive! We can only carry our hopes not bank on them
Good advice. No one wants to have an uncomfortable conversation, but if the relationship is worth attempting to work things out with a conversation, then this information is a good way to try.
holy shit this is valuable advice!
When I saw the title an upcoming talk that I'm going to have with someone soon instantly came to mind which will pretty likely be uncomfortable as well and I appreciate this video SO MUCH!
Thank you Simon
It's funny; long time ago when I knew I would have a difficult conversation and was new in people management I googled this question and found you.
Simon, you're an absolute legend. You make complex concepts so easy to understand and appreciate.
I used to be stressed b4 confronting people but now I have confidence to clear matters up and I just go to the point. Calmly.
How
Excellent advice, love you delivery, very clear and easy to follow thank you
Great for being prepared and you are the iniator/lead in the discussion. Difficult to use if the topic discussed turns uncomfortable and you are the blind sided party who was not prepared.
It sounds like Simon read "Difficult Conversations." Good. It's worth reading.
is there a different one? 🤔 I only remember crucial conversations which covers this topic : )
Thank you for sharing your experience, the encouragement to go where it is uncomfortable and for beeing a great role model for authenticity!
In addition to what he's calling FBI, it's important to demonstrate compassion for the other person and have it for yourself, understand your values and boundaries, and attempt to understand the other person's as well. One way to bridge the perceptual or value gap that might exist between you is to ask questions about both their feelings and the information they're conveyong or requests they're making. As Simon said, going deeper almost always helps. And it can be done in several ways. Always seek a win win place of agreement and summarize what that means in as simple a way as possible and ask the other person to confirm it. That confirmation is necessary to ensure mutual understanding and create a binding and meaningful verbal agreement.
I always understand if you don’t goes through uncomfortable conversation then you will not aware what is causing the misunderstanding between two persons’ relationship …. I’ve experienced with lots of people since my childhood but never succeeded to have uncomfortable conversation … leads to silence mode relationship ….gradually loss of trust and faith in relationships… you are then left alone by forcefully due to other person’s power in stubbornness and ego issues.
Yes, this is helpful insight to start that uncomfortable conversation. Hopefully the person on the other side is in a listener mode, I always have experienced them in defensive mode, than listener level.
Hey Simon! Can you another video like this for talking to people with mental illness? It may help to provide additional context and guidelines for those conversations, since they involve more sensitivity. Same for videos about conversations regarding race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation... there's more needed to guide these scenarios well.
This is great advice. Can you share the same but in a working environment? Manager to employee or viceversa? How do you go about it? From manager to employee when you are having a conversation that was not triggered by an event that happened with you but an event that happened between that employee and their colleagues.
There can be legal ramifications to those types of conversations. I suggest starting by simply documenting whatever you observed or whatever was reported to you in as much detail as possible. Do it objectively; don’t include opinion or judgment. (The facts, ma’am, just the facts.) Then, if you have an HR Dept., have them advise and/or adjudicate. If you don’t have an HR Dept, you’ll need to have company owner(s)’ input before dealing with it yourself. As a manager, you are a representative of your employer, and your employer has specific employment rights and responsibilities. If given the go-ahead, you MIGHT be able to employ some or all of the advice given in this video.
Loved the idea of FBI. The best part is such an important and complex thing is simplified to a great extent.
Simon, I admire your work and books. When the people within the conversation are committed to working things out, this is sound advice. When people are committed to misunderstanding, it may not work. When egos, shame or defensiveness get in the way, that's a different ball game.
Timely. Would you change anything the person is a family member?
This is so great. I have never had the tools to do this and now I do.
Thank you for role modelling this for us, including people for whom English is not their mother tongue.
Pure gold
I've always avoid having uncomfortable conversation. I prefered keep my feelinga for myself to not have to talk about them. but I know most of the time opening up is the best solution.
this one is a Godsend, thanks Simon
I just cant get enough of your advice 🙏🏻 i so want to meet u one day , you inspire me so so much 🙏🏻🙏🏻 thank you so much 🫶
Phenomenal advice Simon.I need to have 2 of these uncomfortable conversations. Thanx for sharing your experience with us .😊
Thank you Simon for yet another topic that you seem so great at giving advice on!
Wow 😲 this is so effective. I recently had a difficult conversation and it broke our relationship. But this is just a wonderful effective strategy. Thank you so much!
Magic as usual ❤❤❤
That was always my weakness I gave all my heart and time to my closest friend(s) and when they broke my heart by being untruthful I ran away and never wanted to look back because hurt was bigger than betrayal. Even after many attempts of trying to speak to me I just couldn’t listen and I don’t wanted to present fake presence when I knew wholeheartedly I won’t be there. Years later found me on Facebook I reconnected and out of courtesy responded to their inquiry but deep inside fear and non trusting was there. Sometimes even uncomfortable conversations don’t work once trust is broken. If you have good relationships with friends don’t break it because repair will be hard to rebuild. It was my personal experience or maybe I am simply different.
Your initial response was quite drastic and indicates that you were not treated well by others before. There might be some trauma involved. I wish you all the best!
Yes..let me know that you want the uncomfortable conversation..then we will decide on when to have it..if you sweep your conversations under the rug like dirt..it would pile up..make things worse..Im used to talking one on one with people because I was a fast food restaurant manager.. when I was younger..a lot of people came to me with their problems or issues...I can see where people can feel uncomfortable though..Its not easy to talk about certain things with people..I prefer..tell me yourself...what the issue is..
Love these advice Simon! I work in sales and I found a majority of my work has to do with people relationship and change management.
Sometimes the other person either doesn't agree, doesn't recognise they've done anything wrong, or doesn't even care to deal with it. In those instances sometimes you just have to forgive and to move on, for the good of the relationship. Obviously this depends on the relationship!
I've often started such conversation by saying "We have a problem to talk about but I think I have a solution." Not dissimilar, but may calm the concern. I'm also fond of saying I have more regret for what I didn't do or say, than what I did or said. You can't fix nothing.
How about, I have a possible solution. I want to get your thoughts about it and for us to find a solution that will move beyond this.
Most important, leave your ego out of it. And I mean ego as an insistence that you are right. Leave right and wearing totally out of the equation.
Can you address the variance btw male and female communication habits and brain differences? I find that men tend to evade such conversations especially when you ask permission.
I will ask a man to meet for dinner.
Discuss then.
I dont ask for permission.
Respect is honest...not submissive
1- I agree with a lot of comments here about it takes a receptive person for this to work. 2-I have taught SBI to all my team members as I find it a good skill, but refer back to #1. Lastly, sometimes all this Kumbaya should be replaced with, “ you are an asshole, and if you don’t stop, this relationship, job etc is not going to work. Make up your mind about how you want to proceed. Because I am done with it. “
F.B.I.
Feelings: express your feelings
Behaviour: specify the behavior causing discomfort
Impact: discuss the impact if the issue remains unaddressed
Makes perfect sense, right😊
YES!!! Louder for the folks in the back!
Thanks for this, Simon. Great advice!
That's a really nice description of Marshall Rosenberg's non-violent communication.
It goes back even further than the NVC model. Rosenberg did a great job with his book and breaking down and distilling these principles, but the 12 Steps (The Big Book”) had been using this FBI format (without the acronym) for almost 3 decades before NVC was written.
Sounds a lot like the application of Rosenbergs Nonviolent Communication!? Lliked that kind of formal, permission asking entrance question. It creates a "gate" where both have to walk through together.
Marriage is a master class in uncomfortable conversations, it's also a master class in forgiveness... 30+ years and counting...
I did that this week, not quite this way, but similarly and with audio message with the intent to have a conversation later.
I think this works well when both parties have an interest in carrying the relationship forward and compromising. I’ve tried having these conversations with my last two bosses and it yielded nothing because they were not interested in what I had to say, only what I could do. In other words, I “leaned” and they dodged with no change in dynamic.
I agree with the parties having an interest in the relationship continuing. I am not personally a big fan of compromising, as it is not the same as collaborating (which gets to the win-win or playing together in an infinite game).
If this is the large canvas with the outline of having a difficult conversation (how to initiate it), the next question would be how to do the fine brush strokes required to build the collaborative co-creative thing. Simon glosses over the process that it took him and his sproutling friend to open up to each other about the insecurities, and I assume there was lots of curiosity and high-level listening skills involved (e.g. what I hear you saying is ..., help me understand what ..., tell me more ...) from both sides.
This is a helpful process with clear steps. We do have to be mindful that the other person is not necessarily going to display the same skills, willingness, capacity and motivation. I am not sure I agree with Simon that it allows the other person to feel prepared and less defensive. Often you can have a person who is ready to attack, so this step can actually backfire and unfold in a way we ourselves are prepared for. This is a great example of the Assertiveness step in the Five Secrets of Communication by Dr David Burns. In fact, however, there are four other key steps that are talked about. Not looking to railroad Simon's approach. I fully support it. There are simply more skills that can make these even more effective.
This makes me think about transactional analysis, and adult\ adult conversation.
I really appreciate you Simon. You are my go to when I’m focused on improving my communication skills.
Wow. Thank you.
You're a top shelf guy Simon.
I see this as very good advice that I will try the next time I see my estranged daughter. If this had been a long video I may not have tuned in because I have already done much research on this topic and feel drained. Thank you!
Better for the person who wants to initiate such conversation to get prepared and speak rightly for her message to get through with good response from the recipient. And, do follow up subsequently with the recipient 😊.
I like his advice but I would also add - courage and good intentions,
Not quite sure how this work with someone who displays narcissistic traits and denies ever doing things, dismisses my feelings, gaslight, love bomb and being manipulative, where others don't see what they really are except a farcade, it's exhausting dealing with someone who's displays all of the above . Strength and love to you all, be kind and gentle with yourself❤✌🏽🕊️
Everyone here should check out (and dive into): NON VIOLENT COMMUNICATION by Marshal Rosenberg! NVC is about how to go through the actual conversation and goes way beyond what Dimon says (which of course is great already!)
In most situations if it is with your boss, it won't help. Better to think about other options.
If frequency matches, it just matches. If not it won't.
You make a good point!👍
The FBI method reminds me of the 4 steps of non-violent communication (Observe, Feelings, Needs, Request).. a very similar concept.
We need a book about it
Saludos desde México!
Thank you Simon. Can you teach us how the person on the receiving end should respond?
S/S. Hard is four letter word-avoid sir ! Having an uncomfortable conversation is the easier option to choose mista, it's of greater importance whether there"s action afterwards or nothing at all ? V.
Love this! Great advice throughout. Always love to hear people avoid 'you' statements.
Excellent.
Simon's formulas are awesome!!
Great ideas. The FBI approach is simple and effective. I would fewer words and simplify more. I will use this.
Needed this! Permission granted…let’s talk☮️💟
❤ excellent
I'm captivated by the clarity and depth of this content. A book with comparable insights was a significant milestone in my intellectual journey. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn
Thank you this is great! I think it’s also important for the person on the “receiving end” of the uncomfortable conversation to be able to “receive” and react in a way not to make the situation worse. Would you be able to provide some guidance and strategies to receive uncomfortable feedback? Thank you.
Great advice; thank you!
0:00 ❓ Frequent question about handling uncomfortable conversations.
0:06 🧠 Importance of human skills in managing discomfort.
0:19 🏃♂ Avoidance isn't effective; leaning into tension is better.
0:32 📉 Lack of skills can worsen uncomfortable conversations.
1:08 🛠 Essential skill: how to have uncomfortable conversations.
1:15 💬 Stating the need for an uncomfortable conversation helps prepare the other person.
1:33 🙏 If unsure, ask for patience and express the importance of the conversation.
2:10 🕰 Ask for permission and timing to ensure readiness for the conversation.
2:30 📋 Use the FBI mnemonic: Feelings, Behavior, Impact.
2:45 🎭 Be specific with feelings, avoid vague terms like "angry."
3:04 🧐 Avoid generalizations like "you always"; focus on specific instances.
3:17 🛑 Address the fear of negative impacts if the behavior continues.
3:31 🤝 Example: uncomfortable conversation with a new friend to prevent relationship damage.
4:06 🌱 Result: improved relationship through open and honest dialogue.
4:17 🎓 Practice uncomfortable conversations to develop the skill.
This is REALLY great! Thank you so much! Really great information.
Depends on who you are dealing with, if you’re dealing with someone who is manipulative, they’ll see your discomfort and walk all over you. Have to be straight forward, but fair.
Thank you for that ❤❤
This has been most useful thank u . Really equips you to be a better you
Wonderful ! I have a lot to practice !
I started a conversation with my boyfriend with the phrase " I feel ....",
He immediately interrupted me and said
"So...., it's all about YOU"
😂😂
You should have replied him with, "is that how you feel? That I always make it about me?"
Thank you sir, was thinking to have one, really have no clue how to start..
Thank you
Very insightful! Thank you so much! ❤