Dealing With Anger
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- Опубликовано: 6 янв 2019
- How should we deal with anger when it arises within our meditation practice and within our ordinary lives? I'll give a few techniques from contemporary practice and the early tradition that have worked for me. I'll also give some techniques from the later, commentarial tradition that may prove helpful.
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Buddhaghosa, The Visuddhimagga (Path to Purification) amzn.to/2ODXPiR
Buddhaghosa talks about antidotes to anger at IX.14-43.
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Doug, I cannot thank you enough for this. Essential topic for the current moment of the world. So many people are being sueded by hate... and to fight it we cannot fuel the environment with more hate. It’s hard to de escalate anger but I can see a possibility using your “tactic”. Tk u so so much
You're very welcome Mariana, thanks for watching. I'm glad you found it useful. 🙏
I have two methods for dealing with anger. One is that I recognize there is something about the person or event that I am wishing to control. I consult with myself and see that I don't have the right to try to control another. This one has proven difficult when the person is violating my personal ethics, mores, or committing sexual indiscretions. However, those are my mores and ethics, not the persons and I am not in charge of controlling their behaviors. The second one is to really feel the anger, then locate the place in my body where the anger is attached and extract it (mentally). I then throw it to the universe to be reconstituted into something better.
Interesting technique Fiddler, thanks for the suggestions!
Thank you, great video. Anger is very instinctive, a reaction we have when someone directly or indirectly threatens us. What helps me is the realization that whatever harm that person might do I will be able to deal with it. When I no longer feel threatened I no longer feel angry
Yes, this can help too Neill. Fear is one emotion that can stoke anger, when we no longer feel afraid, anger dissipates. This is another reason why lovingkindness meditation is so important and interesting: it can also help erase fear. ruclips.net/video/8eQwk4OEeGU/видео.html
Making sure Ive had my latte in the morning, and saying the serenity prayer help me react less to anger.
Yes that is a very fine mantra! 😀
When I first had some successes dealing with anger, I would then get annoyed that my practice was getting in the way of getting angry and I was feeling deprived. Seeing that reaction was helpful. I saw that the root of a lot my anger was just me wanting to be angry about something. Once I saw that I could do a better job at restraining myself a bit.
That's a very interesting observation osumarko! Yes, I think many of us do just want to be angry about something. It can give us a sense of groundedness and belonging, like we are active and alive. It's wise to see through that illusion though towards a healthier kind of energy. Great example of what we learn through practice! 🙏
Thanks Doug!!! Good example of anger and “some” politics.
What worked for me were three things. You mentioned 2.
One of them what the third Sattipathana contemplating my anger with the light of mindfulness. Breathing it without reacting to it. While I was doing this, something that I didn’t planned just emerged. That something was the the upraising of the Four Noble Truths just in front of me with no words and no text at all. The experience of feeling angry was totally unsatisfactory. Then came the origination of this anger from an Self statement : “Something that I don’t like is happening and I can’t make it go away” The ignorant Self craving.
Then came the experience of letting go that craving and see what happened. And it got weaker. Finally a walk through the eightfold path in my daily life stopped the strength of that anger.
Meta is very useful for counteracting anger.
But what most worked for me was the third Brahma Vihara ... JOY. You practice facing the person you are angry with and you train yourself in felling truly and deeply Joy for the possible positive qualities of that person. At first you find no positive qualities at all , but that’s just because you have built a mental image of Daemon over that human being.
See what suits you more.
Great Jorge, yes there are a lot of different strategies we can use, and what's best is to experiment! That's wonderful. 🙏
Thanks for the video. The most difficult is control anger when one is provoked. It happens too fast. Once your mind take over and it is too late. Meditation can help to detect anger and distant yourself with your mind but need lot of practice. Take a deep breath is a good way but you need to feel the anger first. That is my biggest challenge. Loving kindness and putting yourself in the other person shoe is the best way in the long run. Be humble and control ones ego is another important step. It is a big and complex topic. One just have to find he or her own way to deal with this difficult challenge.
Indeed so Kenny, well said!
Man you're so chill, I just love you!
🙏😊
@@DougsDharma Good thing we don't see behind the scenes. 🤭😉
I found your video to be very helpful and knowledgeable. I'm very new to practices of buddhism and have been doing a lot of reading, researching, and watching videos like yours to help better understanding what works best for me. Anger is something that has surfaced within myself recently and it's been difficult to understand how to mindfully understand it from day to day. Your words and wisdom helped me understand that controlling it only makes the anger grow but understanding it (how, when, where, and from an outside perspective) will calm the anger over time. I will use this practice daily. Thank you again 😊 I appreciate your videos greatly.
You're very welcome, Blake. I'm glad the videos are helpful for you!
Thank you, Doug, as.always. A perfect talk for this, the first week of March, 2020. Will listen often.
Glad to hear it Sid, you're very welcome!
Another practical and powerful video, It brought to mind your analogy from a previous video of welcoming in but not offering a seat at the table, I have found this very useful in my own practice.
Glad to hear it John. Yes, I think the metaphor I recall went something like, "Let it in the door but don't serve it tea." 😄
Hi Doug. I appreciate these ideas.
I have found success by feeling the anger in my body, but never thought of it as me only being able to feel that if I am stepping away from that emotion. I also saw parallels between some of your ideas and "internal family system" therapy and how at first talking to the parts/emotions is analytical, but with more practice does become a deeper understanding of those parts. I have found visually identifying the "part" of myself after an incident as very helpful as I can quickly identifying them in a subsequent incident - so I can on the spot identify my emotion/part/feeling and remember what its core values were/what was missing and I can give self-compassion (it is hard that you are angry because you are not getting what you want) and then often (not all the time) I can act well in an incident in the moment.
I really liked the idea of giving a gift. I have had difficulties with people at work. I love the idea of getting them a gift because it enables me to focus on the good parts of them or the relatable parts of them - not thinking of them in totality as a horrible person, but seeing them as a person who likes flowers or a father who would want to play board games with their family or someone who feels comfort in a good cup of tea. I could see benefit in contemplating their good side as helpful to eliminate the anger towards them or at least realize they have some bad qualities, but they also have a lot of good qualities.
Yes, it's an interesting practice ... 😊
This was very insightful, Doug. I've been dealing with anger for a long time, recently I've been trying to take Buddha in my life to help me. I usually just try to not feed my anger and forget as it will do me no good.
Yes it's best not to dwell on anger. That said, it's also important not to bottle it up. It should be recognized and acknowledged.
Very nice. Becoming angry when needed is normal. But as I tell my own subscribers--staying in that state is not. Suffering from chronic anger causes a few problems. First it impedes your progress. By draining your energy that you should be using to advance yourself. Ever been angry all day at work then skipped that night workout? That's probably why. But it also isn't physically healthy and can lead to long term effects on the heart and doctors now think future cancer as well. Not to mention high blood pressure. There are two simple methods I tell my own people how to control anger. One you have with you--your breathing. You can breathe in a meditative state while walking down the street. You picture a coil slowly unwinding as if you were breathing through your stomach. Slow and in and out. Wind the coil and let it go slowly. It calms you down and if you do it every few hours for maybe ten reps then it keeps you calm. Second--reflect on what you are growing angry about. Is it really going to affect you even four months from now? You'll find many times it won't. So I would use these techniques to minimize anger so you can only progress forward. Hope that helps someone out there---Charles
Anger seems like something that is _happening to me_ whereas hatred is me being _tempted_ to move in a certain direction. I think a lot of my anger is symptomatic of my having what you call the "conceits" as well as just being entangled in the false egoic sense of self, and is an immediate _reaction_ to something, rather than my later response. The "story of my anger" goes back to childhood! lol! I just had it happen yesterday morning... however... these days I do think I see the way forward towards actual compassion, which would necessarily lessen those two hinderances, or at least detach me more from them as objects of awareness so they can't control me. I think a lot of it is when I'm surprised by something because I'm just derping along rather than being mindful of and attentive to what is and isn't actually real.
Thanks, interesting observations! 🙏
For more practical purposes, the video 'Buddha drop your pride...anger...' seems more useful. The present video is well documented, more comprehensive. Thanks to both authors.
In offering a comment: Jhana meditation undertaken on a daily basis tends to subdue one’s emotions. If anger was to arise within me, I close my eyes for a quick moment and meaningfully say to myself (gone) - followed by remembrance of Buddha. I may repeat this exercise twice. The anger subsides. I find analysis of emotional states tends to complicate things. Keep it simple.
If that technique works for you, that's great!
I have very bad anger issues, I have a lot of rage built up inside me as well of a lot of hatred. Particularly hatred against conservatives and Republicans. One of the reasons why I want to practice Buddhism is because I feel it can help me control my anger and help me not be so hateful.
Yes, anger and hatred makes us lash out and create more anger and hatred.
I’m listening to this telling to myself yeah this channel is basically dharma talk just secular without the holy spiritual vibe just more academic vibe and then I remembered this is the name of the channel 😂
Well yeah, I guess so!😀
_O! Bhikkhus, even if robbers cut your limbs one after another with a two handled saw, if your mind be defiled on account of that, you have not done the duty in my dispensation Then too you should train thus. Our minds will not change, we will not utter evil words. We will abide compassionate with thoughts of loving kindness not angry._ ~ Kakacuupamasutta MN3.1
Hi Doug- looks like I'm late to this party. 🙃 This is an amazing video and worth reposting or directing people to it. I've always been one to hold on to anger. I, logically, understand that it's pointless and is, as the saying goes "like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die", but I have a horrible time with letting it go.
This is something that I'm going to work on more diligently. If you've any other wisdom on this, I would love to hear it. Thank you again for this. 🖤
Yes I did a more recent video on anger: ruclips.net/video/IbNoSWB7q8k/видео.html
@@DougsDharma Thank you! I look forward to watching it in a bit. Your voice is very relaxing 🙂
I like to create an image of something that i love or to create an image of something that i feel compaxionate about, or as you Said i like to feel the anger sensation until It goes away
Yes these can be helpful!
Namo Buddhay!
Anapan helps .
Complete vipassana meditators sibir course completely helps
Yes, very much! Thanks I Bhardwaj.
Anger has tortured before recovery and even still during recovery...trying so hard...
Yes anger can be very difficult to overcome. Have compassion on yourself first, and hopefully that compassion will help you to overcome the outward anger.
I rather like anger. The best kind is the one that's just pure preparation for attack. You feel ready to jump at the other guy and tear his throat out - amazing.
Much needed video, especially 100 days before general election here.
i wont need to give any gift to politicians. They take without giving anyway. makes my practice easier. 😄
Thanks Abhishek. Yes, politicians all too often enable us to practice with our anger ... 😄
Doug, I absolutely love your channels it has helped me a lot. I lost my wife when she still young and we have young children. And I am angry at many people and just the situation in general. I will practice this but is there anything in particular about this raw anger that you would recommend? I don’t know what to do with this anger. Thanks.
Really sorry to hear about your loss, it's very human to feel anger in such situations. I'd suggest working it out with a good therapist, often talking with another, trained individual can make a huge difference. 🙏
For dealing with anger in the immediate, I've found that taking a quick, yet smooth breathe in and out helps calm me. It helps with people pushing me, and with physical pain(in regards to dealing with it and calming myself).
One way I've tried to deal with ordinary low-level anger, like getting annoyed at impolite behaviour, is to use it as a trigger to think about what I'm currently grateful for.
I wonder though if this is a kind of suppression.
That’s a great question fuglsnef, and one only you can answer. A key part of our practice is asking just this sort of question of ourselves, and often we can only gain insight into the answer by calming ourselves down in formal meditation and taking a direct look, or many direct looks over time. You’ve made the critical first step by noticing. 🙏
Thanks Doug. Two questions:
1) How do you apply the antidote of loving-kindness and compassion, when you're right in the middle of an anger episode? It seems like a herculean challenge.
2) About the intellectual exercise of trying to deconstruct what you're angry at: Couldn't one simply say "well I'm angry at his volitions for acting this way", or "well I'm angry at her consciousness for thinking such a thing"?
You’re very welcome Andrés. As to your questions, for the first one, you’re right. Using that strategy when you’re very, very angry is unlikely to be successful. It’s better to use another strategy first such as taking deep breaths or stepping away if you can. Basically, do what works best for you in the situation. For the second one, you have to try it out! I personally find it difficult to be angry at volitions or consciousness that way. It seems forced to me and so is liable to diminish anger. But you may be different.
Thank you for this video. I am still learning how to contol anger and it would be helpful if you could clarify what I can do in a situation where a close person to me angered me with their behavior. How do I stop this behavior from happening again? Do I still address this problem with th person once I overcome my anger? Thank you.
Thanks for the question Nicole, it's tough to give recommendations in specific cases without knowing all the facts, and anyway the recommendations from early Buddhism are quite general. But I think one thing the Buddha does say is that if you think it would be helpful to speak up, then try to find the right time and place to do so, where it would do the most good. And try to have a mindset of kindness, at least as much as you can muster.
@@DougsDharma thank you
Swimming in cold sea. 20 mins / day. Or cold shower each time anger happends. Works for me. Doesnt get rid of seeds of the emotions tho.
Yes, these would be temporary "skillful means" to avoid a particular circumstance. But the seeds remain. I think over time we can perhaps wear them away through regular practice.
Hi Doug! Do you have a video about resentment or toxic people? Peace and Loving-kindness to you.
Well I did an earlier video on some early Buddhist thoughts around self-defense: ruclips.net/video/3aXjrEdpIjY/видео.html ; I think the idea of a "toxic person" is a bit foreign to Buddhism in that it seems to reify toxicity as essential to them. That said, the Buddha did urge us to steer clear of unwise and foolish people.
@@DougsDharma Thanks Doug!
Hi dear Doug, I am very new on your RUclips channel but I a following or at least try to find and go through your videos which are profound and excellent.
About control anger, i do not know what to do when I am angry on myself or better to say what i did in past long time ago and I see the result of my behavior which was not correct at that time but I can not get back and recorrect them unfortunately, I am angry on myself so much that makes me crying but it dose not help.
Ah yes Hengameh, you are talking about regret. I did an earlier video on that topic which may be useful: ruclips.net/video/HvAf8fBCPR8/видео.html
@@DougsDharma oh dear Doug I never thought or could imagine that somebody busy like you reply to my message thank you, I did listen to video regret just now and found it very helpful, namaste,
Great video Doug.
Buddhaghosa’s ideas are also interesting and in case anyone is interested, here is a link to a full downloadable copy of his "Visuddhimagga" (The Path of Purification):
www.urbandharma.org/pdf1/PathofPurification2011.pdf
Also, here’s the link to a full copy of the "Vimuttimagga" (The Path of Freedom) as well which many believe may have been the model used by Buddhaghosa to write his magnum opus:
www.urbandharma.org/pdf1/Path_of_Freedom_Vimuttimagga.pdf
Thanks again Doug and have a good one!
Thanks Haca Ce!
Some stuff that may work: 1) double balanced thinking e.g. moronic behavior==V === moronic behavior leveling the eruption 2) Thinking of the serendipity of annoyance e.g being insulted by morons maybe annoying , but being popular is such a bind 3) 360 Expansion and dissolution of negative emotion 4) Humor
Top is probably trans-mutating appreciative abandon with loving kindness - metaphorically speaking stroke the dog, poop flowers
Thanks optizap, yes there are several strategies we may use. The most important step though is the awareness that we need such strategies in the first place! 🙂
Buddhist way to deal with physical pain and reason ?
Thank you for this! I don’t think I have a lot of anger originating within myself, but find myself on the receiving end of anger from loved ones that haven’t learned to cope with anger and frustration in their lives. I’m close to them so therefore, I wind up becoming a punching bag of sorts. This does invite an indignant anger to arise out of me, which I know is because I am not yet skillful enough to manage my reaction to someone else’s anger. And as I have no control as to their mind state, I do try to remember that it has not as much to do with me, but from their own inability to process anger in a healthy manner. But it is challenging. Might you have any suggestions on how one may more skillfully process this version of anger that is seated in indignation, frustration and the target of misdirected anger? Thank you!
I think sometimes it can be skillful to discuss such issues with people who are harming us, to see if that can bring understanding and healthy change. If it can't, then it may be best to separate ourselves from those who are harmful. Otherwise, this anger of yours should be treated quite normally, as any sort of anger, and dealt with in similar ways that I mention in the video. But we also have to keep in mind compassion towards ourselves throughout. If we are being harmed, that's not a good thing.
Much gratitude to you for your reply! This is so very helpful. 🙏As I feel I am unable to separate in any permanent sense due to my duties as a caretaker, I am working with intention on creating more spaciousness between them and myself and around me, mentally, spiritually and sometimes to step away physically. I try to see such challenges as exercises in right speech and mindfulness, but you are right that it also needs balance in self compassion. Thank you again for all your wonderful content! 🙏☺️
Hi Doug, I was wondering if you had any idea (from texts or otherwise speculation) what the Buddha and Buddhist scholars would have said about the experience "righteous" anger towards the suffering of others and injustice. It seems to me that anger can be a greatly motivating force for justice and was wondering if the Buddha would have rejected this role for anger altogether or would have made some distinction between this and other types of anger. Thank you.
To my knowledge the Buddha never recommended anger of any kind. This is the heart of his teaching in the Simile of the Saw: one should not have anger even when one is being mistreated in the worst way. That said, he certainly would not have advocated complete passivity to injustice. So instead of righteous anger I think he would have counseled for something like righteous energy and confidence, backed by compassion and kindness. After all, it is most kind to stop someone from doing harm to others, since doing harm to others will likely bring harm to oneself as well.
Can you say something about Bodhidharma and his blood stream/wake up sermons?
My main focus is on early Buddhism, but I'll keep that in mind for the future DJ, thanks.
@@DougsDharma Gotcha. Only reason I ask is because I saw the beginners mind ones that you did and figured Bodhidharma’s seems to directly reference the Buddha in the sermons. Thought it would be cool to hear you comment on what he says in relation to earlier Buddhism such as detachment, three poisons etc.
When I'am angry with some one I grab my mala and I send metta 108 times to that person, and you know, after repeating metta 108 times the anger gets weak.
Thanks for the information and greetings from mexico
You're very welcome Alexis. Yes, going through metta 108 times is definitely going to defuse anger! Good on you for having the discipline. 🙂
I can't even stay angry for a minute. You people have immense discipline and skill to stay angry long enough to get through 108 of anything.
@@MrCmon113 good to know
Doug, how do you deal with anger when it arises in your ordinary life?
Hi Aron, I try to reflect upon whether it is useful. Sometimes I do indulge it when I feel it's not particularly harmful (venting about a politician let us say), but other times I do try to practice metta. I also find that regularly practicing metta in formal meditation helps a lot to diminish ordinary anger. What about you?
@@DougsDharma Since anger (reactivity) happens so fast, I have an intention each day to be mindful of anger that might arise from "contact" at any of the 6 sense doors. Then I notice if there is "feeling" pleasant or unpleasant. That immediately raises a red flag in my mind because the next link in Dependent Co-arising is "craving" etc. I too indulge in venting about a politician but try to notice if there is hatred or ill-will. I know that is definitely unskillful thought. I'm not always successful at this task as I'm still missing the boat more times than not, so to speak. I continue to practice each day due to the fact that I have experienced brief times where there is freedom from craving. That's what keeps me going. I definitely agree that metta practice helps immeasurably. Batchelor says "There is a symbiosis between 'comprehending suffering/life' and 'letting go of reactivity'." (After Buddhism by Stephen Batchelor)
Yes, often reactivity happens so fast that it is well underway by the time we are aware of it. That is why calm is so important, when we can gain it.
i get soooooo angry when teachers use the word "skillful". what can i do about this?
😄 Yes, I use that word a lot. The Pāli word is "kusala", and many contemporary teachers prefer to talk in terms of skill rather than more apparently judgmental terms like "good" or "bad". It's just a way of framing better and worse practice though. Not sure what to suggest about the anger though, maybe just consider it another concept like any other? 🙂
@@DougsDharma thanks doug. :) at last someone has explained the use of this term!
Great! Yes, it's a direct translation out of a particular expression in Pāli.
I love how he subtley mentioned Obamas presidency multiple times.
😄
Nothing is permanent...except politics.
Well ... even politics changes all the time! 😀