10 red flags of a narcissistic friendship
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- Опубликовано: 1 июн 2024
- I apologize in advance for the disturbance from the mic towards the end of the video.
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1. When you first meet them, they seem larger than life (it's the mask they wear)
2. They (initially) make you feel they have been waiting for you their whole life
3. They share the whole of their lives early on, so as to gain your trust
4. They "scan" you; asking lots of questions about your life and relationships
5. They bring their chaos and drama into your life
6. They try to isolate you from friends and family, and take up all your time
7. The friendship feels one sided
8. When the going gets tough, they disappear (the spotlight isn't on them, but you)
9. They are extremely competitive...they "one up" you
10. Getting together means talking about them. (Guilt tripping; asking for money, favors, time etc.)
Pay attention to red flags, set boundaries, love your self, don't get involved with them!
Thank you, Petra!!!
Some of us people who grew up in trauma struggle with oversharing.
Yes, this is true, it has much to do with controlling your own anxiety and trying to manage the other person's impression of you. That's a whole different video.
Love and light ❤
@@PetraVanDeijl wow. Thank you. That makes sense.... idk why youtube is just showing me this comment.
The #9 extremely competitive trait is hilarious to watch and intensely irritating .My present narc copies everything I do or say.If I have something he wants next week he turns up with it, my music playlist is played back to me ,my food taste is repeated back to me and in return what do I receive in return zilch .They are complete black holes.
If it walks and quacks like a narcissist! 😂
Thank you for this! I am a victim of Narcissist ''friends'' and it was emotionally draining. The one upping, The mimic/copying almost like they were trying to steal my identity and be me, Lies, Gossip, They also tried to smear my name and steal my friends. I am so glad I cut them off
My 20 year bestie showed me who she really was when I fell on hard time.
I needed her for once and she vanished. It's been 5 years of no contact and I'm perfectly fine with it.
Thank you for yet another helpful video, Petra. Regarding the “extremely competitive” trait of narcissists, I have an amusing story. I worked alongside a fellow secretary years ago. Eventually, she quit and got a new job. After several months of her leaving, we got together for lunch and she went into great depth and detail about her new job. She was now the Executive Assistant to the CEO of a famous company (which I won’t mention). She often had to fly around with him in his private plane and do business as he went from place to place. It was all very glamorous, and, quite frankly, too good to be true. Fast forward 12 years later and I called her to get together and catch up on each other’s lives. Some time during our visit, as she went on and on about all of the places she’d worked over the years, I happened to mention the “famous company” that she had told me about years earlier. She was like, “What? I never worked there.” I repeated myself again, thinking that perhaps she misheard me. She continued to insist that she had never worked there and didn’t remember anything about a private jet either. It was then that I realized that she had made the whole thing up years ago and simply no longer remembered the lie that she had told me. What a piece of work she was! 🙄 Eventually, I realized that she was a narcissist, on top of being a liar.
Every narc is a liar...
As good old George Costanza would say Its not a lie ,if you believe it.These people are like complete nut jobs ,but they are everywhere.
💥 BOOM!!!! you definitely found a narcissists. They lie so much and can't keep up with their lies. She was in competition with you.
@@Lilygirl283 but not every liar is a narc
maybe she had dementia lol
I'm the one who was praying for a friend, but not one like her. She had the pattern going on: love bomb, devalue, explosion. The explosion really scared me. I also noticed that everyone around her is sick and in pain and when I hung around her, I was in a great deal of pain, too. I think there's something about her that effects one physically. I'll be the friend to myself that I prayed for. Thank you Petra!
Big wow at the borrowing to give that toxic friend the money. This is the power of abuse! Great primary example 🙏🏽
Who are you… I don’t know if it’s your soul that I’m feeling but there’s this effortless preciousness spirit about you( you are in your calling) bless you and thanks
That is so sweet, thank you Sister ❤
I realised something was bad wrong with my friend the day after I made friends with her. I'd noticed things before when we were just mutual friends to someone else but I ignored it. My close friend took her life (someone my new friend also knew.) and I never saw her shed a tear or comfort me. I found her dead and called an ambulance to her home. That night my Uncle died of CO-VID. I told my new friend and she came over. I was so pleased to see someone who might support me but...nope! She showed no interested. Totally dismissed. All she did was tell me about her hard life with her "selfish" sister, then left. Never to mention my uncle's death again, not even to ask when his funeral was. Months later, I confronted her on her lack of empathy and support towards me, including her using (she jumped to me because the other friend had just died and she used me instead of her) and all I got was: "sorry you feel that way." Nothing's changed. It's still all about her. No empathy for others but expects tons for herself. I'm slowly beginning to break away. My gut instinct told me something was wrong the moment I met her. I should have listened to it sooner.
Excessive gift giving is another red flag. I was took advantage of by an 80 year old man in my neighborhood (im a 33 yr old woman) for 4 years and he gave me his dead wives stuff, presents on christmas , hed try to "lovebomb" me with hund re ds of dollars worth of gifts, dinners, money... also another red flag is that they claim to be the only one who undersstands you and will kiss your butt to stay latched onto u.... thats what that sicko did to me... claimed to be the only one who understood me. a kiss a$$. i realized i was groomed by a s** predator for 4 years...traumatized :(
Groomed is used only for a child. You were manipulated!
My “friend” has done quite a few of these. Seemed v nice to start with. But its now clear the friendship is primarily for her benefit, to allow her to clear her mind and my preferences & thoughts don’t count. We were in the habit of going for regular walks where she would drive to my place because its nicer to walk around. She would always initiate the time (usually spontaneously) & I’d mostly be available & agree. Then she would spend the whole walk venting about her issues and I’d listen almost as payment for the petrol she was using to drive over. Once I suggested that I would drive to her place for a change and instead of agreeing, she stated that she would come out to my place (as though speaking to a child who didn’t have any say in the matter) and then spent much of the walk interrogating me about what gifts I’d bought my teenage daughter for her bday - so she could save herself time & buy the same for her daughter. She insisted on finding out the exact shops, which items etc. I wasn’t mentally prepared so just answered but felt increasingly taken advantage of. Another time I shared that my youngest son had created his own version of chess with pieces that had different functions and moves & that we had played it once he finished. I didn’t usually share much about my life as she does most of the talking but I was proud of him for finishing making it as he has adhd tendencies and it worked v successfully. Instead of being happy for me she casually brushed it off saying ‘oh yes, her daughter had created her own version of chess a few years ago’ & implied it was no big deal.
Another time I had a birthday and she & another friend in the group made a big deal about going out to celebrate it (even though the actual day had long since passed and I really wasn’t bothered about it anymore). But since they kept going on about it I tried to organise a dinner for it. We agreed on a date / venue but my “friend” soon asked if we could change it to a morning event as she ‘hated leaving her (teenage) daughter home alone’. We all agreed. However almost within a day she asked if it could be switched back to a dinner as her walking group was walking that morning & she wanted to join them. So we all changed back. Obviously leaving her daughter alone was ok if she had something she really wanted to do the next day 🙄 On the night, to emphasise how difficult it was to leave her daughter for too long, she arrived late. She brought a ‘gift’ which was a garish brightly painted wooden bird to put in my garden. It looked as though she’d angrily scrunched paper around it for the wrapping. It wasn’t my type of thing at all but I said thanks. Then right at the end of the evening as we were about to leave (we were last at the venue) and the waiting staff had asked us to leave, she suddenly remembered she had bought a cake & could we sing happy birthday. I said it was fine if they didn’t sing but she insisted and then handed me the cake. (a fairly cheap cake from a supermarket so it wasn’t overly expensive or homemade etc). By that time I was ready to leave & concerned about holding up the waiting staff who clearly wanted to us to go. She messaged the group later saying sorry if I didn’t like the cake & she was looking forward to seeing where the bird ended up. (I didn’t answer and unbeknown to her the bird quickly ended up in our trash can). Following my non-answer she blocked my number. She later unblocked it and started communicating again but its become clear that she doesn’t value me or my opinion and tends to disagree if I express anything.
She has been going through a divorce for the last 2-3 years & even though I’ve heard hours of her complaints about her ex, and her finances and work and been supportive, if I somehow say something that she disagrees with she will go into yet another rant about why she disagrees & how bad her relationship was. She takes no responsibility for her part and is all about victimhood. So its a friendship that at the start seemed good but its one I’m now definitely over.
Love the braids! You look great! On point as always regarding narc relations.
Thank you so much Ms. Shirley!
Having been raised and groomed by my narc mother, I didn't know I could set boundaries, and have standards even in friendship I've always been so accommodating and patient with others short comings and didn't realize I allowed the gas lighting, the emotional abuse and the mistreatment because I thought that's just part of bring in relationship with someone you love them no matter what and take the good & the bad even though you yourself aren't treating them ( the narc friend ) the same way. Something always felt off in all of the narc controlled relationships I've encountered, be it family friends or romantic
Number 3 definitely is how she hooked me into her web Lol, it didn’t work for very long.
I’m autistic so I’m pedantic with statements and I always usually listen to my intuition. She kept making contradictory statements and I called her out and she declared war on me. She couldn’t scan me after I blocked her so she hunted me across the internet for things I hadn’t already told her and then kept inboxing private accounts that I had to close to get rid of her. Yes I did tell her some things about my life and boy did she use them against me. Whatever she tried to do to me, didn’t work. I just kept on walking, even when she made things up about me and accused me of stealing information from her that was actually about me. Every time I remember what she did to me and listen to videos about narcissism, I see her for what she really is. These 10 red flags sum her up perfectly. Thank you so much for taking the time to make these videos and helping more people to protect themselves from these individuals.
Sounds very much like my friend. She shared her stalker like behavior during the start of our friendship. I was questioning her double life and diff accounts, carefully curating a cool persona and hiding her "fangirl" reality. I brushed it off because it seemed trivial but it seemed like a foreshadowing of her true colors
Sounds very much like my friend. She shared her stalker like behavior during the start of our friendship. I was questioning her double life and diff accounts, carefully curating a cool persona and hiding her "fangirl" reality. I brushed it off because it seemed trivial but it seemed like a foreshadowing of her true colors
Breath-work is a great healing and release method for me! 🙏🏽🧡
My ex narc friend loved it when the going got tough if I had a problem, she would thrive on it seeing me struggle, telling what to do and say. so it's not always true that they run away
Yes, mine gave many, many red flags that I didn't pick up on for years. One of her sayings was; "I like to listen to other people's problems. It reminds me that my own life isn't that bad". Roughly translated; "I like to see other people as miserable as I feel inside".
I agree with this. Sometimes they like to feel needed, give all the advice...some people like to have an audience.
Thank you for this video today. We really needed this. I've dealt with narcissists my whole life. But the most destructive ones have been so-called friends, who I'd just gotten to know, these past few years, after my husband died. I'm currently starting therapy for the things they did to me.
SO WONDERFUL to see your video notification, Petra! I think it's not just your money that they feel entitled to--it's everything! "You're not wearing that sweater. Why can't I wear it?" (And then RUIN)! Any "why" question is just used as a point to argue against a boundary of "No." Another thing I noticed about those toxic friends is that they had an "entertain me" attitude when we got together. I found that if I was really "boring" then they would go away. Ha!
I know two that I've known for many years but I keep them at a distance, not to mention a number of them at my last job. In the beginning I didn't know what was going on with them but I've since learned about this disorder. My experience is that these people are selfish, don't have the capacity to think beyond themselves and can't relate to others well. Like you mentioned, they are also good at getting you in so you pay attention to their needs.
Great video, very helpful. I am "cleaning house" and have been looking at old text messages and seeing some of the patterns you mention here. I have intuitively pulled away from certain people in my life. Reading those old texts, are validating and I have no guilt in letting go of these people from my life. Thank you for this video 🥰 Also, I love your braids 😍
Yes, don't you just love a good 'ole house cleaning! Get rid of all those cobwebs and weird odours!!
Again a great video, Petra!
After the first narcissist experience, I met 3 or 4 more. But what I learned from you is to use my intuition more and also to believe my intuition. Yes, it is true: you didn't receive your intuition for nothing. Still...it isn't easy to get rid of a narcissist. They really do anything, the most bizar things, to reconnect with you. It seems that they always come back somehow
I had a narc friend when I was at school and when we first starting to get close, she would say that I was God sent and she’s never met anyone who she’s related more to 😂. I love your videos Petra, they have helped me realize so much about what I’ve been thru and recognize strength I thought i was actually lacking in
Petra is such a blessing! Thank you Petra for your amazing and super helpful videos! I love your voice and sometimes only listening to your calming voice calms me down
Hi Petra... thank you for sharing your experiences w toxic people. Yes experienced these too, wasn't able to name all these things before while I was still connected w/them, only when I finally decided to put myself and wellbeing my priority, had the clarity of what was happening.. so grateful how our body speaks when our brain is in fog, and couldn't see the truth. I learned a lot from these experiences..a lot! Again, thank you Petra, I appreciate you! God Bless.😊
Great insight, especially about the /small items you but for yourself and your daughter.
When I started having health problems and using the money I earned from my multiple jobs for my own self-care, I was accused of being “self-involved,” and “SO selfish”… so, I invited her to WORK with me on one of my side-jobs. She lasted a few shifts before quitting and raging at me in front of customers… and later emailed me pages upon pages of excuses and projections WHILE I was working, and then had a meltdown that I refused to read it, nor allow her to upset my work day.
The relationship didn’t last long after that… my simple yet firm boundaries seemed to provoke temper tantrums until I learned about financial abuse and the victim mindset.
Thank you, lovely to see you!
Hahahaha, love that you invited her to work with you!
@@PetraVanDeijl I thought I was helping by offering her a chance to make her own money - quickly learned that she only want “halp.”
No longer attuned to the “halp me halp me halp me” narrative 😜
@@frolickingelf 😄
Petra so true , 1000% true. After almost 20 years i realised this and since 2020 moved off. In my case my husband and Dad warned me since she made me spend a lot of money on her beliefs. She took lot of my time away from family
I would want to share an experience which happened to me when I confronted my friend with certain stuff just recently.
I confronted my friend that statements or opinions it said /dont want to be gender specific/ led me to worry at night and I also cried over it. I felt that bad about it that I cried. It said that I blame it as a person and that Im doing it to myself alone that it has not such power on which I said words have power. It then said that "every man is the maker of his own fortune". You know its a quote old quote". And it depends if I want to move forward or backward in my life that is up to me / again just an extra opinion on which I didnt ask for. I said that what it said put me down and that I felt bad from it that I couldnt sleep and cried at night. Then it said instead of Im sorry that "Im sorry that I did disapointed you that I dont worry about it" - about what I just said. The end was "I m not gonna play these games with you." That was it. What would you think about it ?
Anywyas Petra, my life is also extremely chaotic and dramatic too. I think thats not necessarily a sign...especially if a person is raised by covert narc and thus accrued debilitating illneses like CPTSD and other neurodivergent traits. My life is extremely chaotic and because I do not know myself and my boundaries yet, I didn't know what's right and healthy and how to protect myself. Even if i try to be kind and nice bc i thought i was the problem for years until my mid 20s i was actually just a narc abuse victim and i attracted toxic people situations in my life left and right. You can read about Capricorn risings or Pluto transits or dominants or Human Designs 5th line profiles and INfJs. There are certain type of people who are living heavy lives esp those experiencing some kind of ego death and dark night of the soul.
I like that you say you can observe them from the far! :-) truth
Hello Petra. This sounded like she wanted more than a friendship. Was she of an....Alternative Lifestyle?
It's so easy to fall into
#7 All the way.... SMH! I just dont want to be apart of it but I don't know how to even start to let her know, the relationship is not the same. 😔
I had a narcissist female friend. When she started devaluing me in front of her new harem I started trying not to spend time with her. After demonstrating all behavior outlined in other videos, 9 months later she has finally discarded me. I think I should block her on my phone and social media. I am worried when she sees it she will start to slander me. Does anyone have any experience with this?
I'm so glad you said about the mirroring as I am larger than life myself, and red flag number one frightened me a bit 😆
I am too but I get larger and larger the more you know me lol and I rarely show the extent of that
Coach, you are wonderful 💛
Looking forward to this deep dive!
Hi you look like you have just come back from an island vacation, so well rested and at peace. Love the braids, Sistah! 🙋🏽♀️
You are so wonderful for doing this work Miss Petra, much respect for you sharing and showing up for yourself and us all. 😊💫💫
Thank you so much P!
Blessings to you Petra and thank you !
Thank you Mr. Dwain. Love and blessings.
Love your hair by the way!
I love your hair 💕 thank you for this informative video great info
Soooo true, thank you so much Petra 💛☀️
You're most welcome Nathalie.
Hey you look great!!!! What a change!!! Love it❤️❤️❤️❤️
Hey Anja! Yes, it was definitely time for a change. Thank you!
Mis. Petra I leren so much from you tiching. Thank you
I adore all of your videos💝
Bravo. Just been through this and was hell
It’s funny you mentioned the beach example, I was ill with flu so I said no to the beach obviously because I didn’t want to feel more ill, extreme drama ensued and made my headache and sickness worse, so might have well have just gone to the beach haha
Thank you.
Excellent video, all these applies to toxic family as well. I love your videos, Thank You so much!
New subscriber 💚
Awesome, thank you! ❤
Hi please will you create a lot of playlists and put all your 158 videos into the appropriate categories. Thank you. John