Saying this with so much love: panic attacks and suicidal ideation do not come from a lack of strength. It doesn't mean much from a random internet stranger, but I'm proud of you. Thank you for sharing your story.
I have passive suicidal ideation all the time from past trauma. I do not hide it. I have a right to leave it on my menu, as I like to know it's there if I want it one day. It comforts me to know I can choose it, to see it on the menu!
The part about your high school friends hit hard. I am not a current or former Mormon but love your channel. I recently, as an adult, realized through therapy why I “got in with a bad crowd” in high school: they were kind and accepting to me, unlike my family and previous “friends.”
I enjoy your vedios. I have been a LDS member for 75 years. I served a mission from 1968 to 1970. I have had slot of calling in the church including being an Army Chaplain. 9 months ago my wife had back surgery and is just now recovering from it. We took this time to really study the church doctrine and history. The SEC fine started us going down the rabbit hole. If they lied about church finances what else have they lied about? There are to many things to list here that have caused concern throughout the decades of my membership. Truth stands up to scrutiny. It is hard to think I bought the narritive for most of my life. Thanks for your story. Best wishes to you and your family.
I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. Facing unpleasant truths and having to question your life is just horrible. When I did it (ex-Catholic) it felt like my heart was breaking. I really hope you can find a measure of freedom and peace for yourself and your wife.
Thanks for your concern. We are doing well. We live in an amazing community of 500 people in the mountains of central Idaho. They are very supportive and understanding.
@@oliviafroelich9137 Just thanking old Kent for leaving the church. Weak and confused people cycle in and out of the church all the time. He's just another.
@@6alcantara...Feminism isn't a cult fam. Equality and respect for everyone, regardless of what's in their pants, should be seen as common logic and basic civil decency. It sucks that women have to fight tooth and nail to gain that respect, only for people like you to try and kick them back down.
“Why would anyone want to live past 8? Why not die before then so that you can go to heaven?” Is absolutely heartbreaking. Your story has reached so deeply for me. I grew up outside of the church, but my parents both grew up in extreme families similar to yours, and later left before I was born. I grew up in Utah, surrounded by Mormonism in every aspect of my life. I had friends who had to hide our friendship because I was a “heathen,” and I had family that tried to essentially kidnap me on Sundays and force me to go to church with them. I’m so thankful my parents left the cult and that I never fell into it. Thank you for sharing your story and experience, you’re an amazingly strong and beautiful soul. You deserve so much good.
I had a similar upbringing. I was "Mormon guy" in my High School in Oregon. My mission was miserable, I was badly mistreated. Then I went to BYU and lasted a year before I withdrew because I hated it. I'm glad I left the church because my kids don't have to experience all the pointless rules and rituals and mistreatment.
I grew up catholic and converted to Mormon. I know you mean. I grew up with no fun and rules. But when I grew up I didn’t get lost or fall into To other influences. Now you think it’s regret growing up. You will find out when you face trials. You will survive. Think of this . Special Forces selection. Bunch of bullshit and let you jump hoops. But once you hit the field. You will survive.
I had an honor code office experience where I was reported for not being clean shaven enough. At that time I had bad ingrown hairs and folliculitis so I would try and let my skin rest for 2 days in between shaving. Essentially I was told I could get a doctors note (but only from the campus doc) or leave. The campus doc said it wasn’t bad enough for a waiver, so I ended up getting laser hair removal on my own beard so I could stay enrolled. One of my biggest regrets.
Aaahhhh! My youth in the church was the same! The girls were visiting nursing homes, and the boys were going white water river rafting! After a conversation with my bishop/uncle about these injustices, I dropped out of YW's at 16 yrs old... looking back, I can't believe it took me until my 40s to find my way out of the church! Better late than never! I'm so happy on the outside!
I grew up Muslim and deconstructed. This gave me chills how similar the themes of our lives are. It's been very long since I left the faith but it defined so much of my early life, I still struggle with the aftermath of living life entirely based on doing the so-called right thing and never bringing yourself into the equation. Thank you so much for sharing Alyssa.
As a behavioral health therapist, I want to encourage you to challenge that self-talk of “not being strong enough” because your depression flared and you had panic attacks while teaching. You were clearly in an environment where you were being harassed, not supported properly, and doing something which did not align with you. That is all incredibly stressful! Especially when you are doing it 5 days a week for weeks on end. Strength is not doing something without effort or struggle. Strength is continuing to push through while struggling. Strength is trying your best even in a terrible situation. Strength is having the bravery to question deeply held beliefs despite the possible negative consequences. Strength is being willing to be honest with your husband about not wanting to keep going to church. You struggled, you suffered, but you also survived and took some hard steps towards a better life. That is something to be very proud of. The increased depression, anxiety, and panic attacks were signals that something in your life was wrong, not that you were weak.
True, but so many of us did. I walked around with my shoulders up to my ears so afraid of temptation. After all, angels above us are silent notes taking.
I don't see or hear nothing in this story but complain I don't like going But everything I was thought 🤔 I did like, singing ,the family night on Mondays,going to visit people and talk to them about the Gospel made me happy cuz i seen the people that converted and get baptized I see the change they did better in life they leave the drinking and living that life and turn to God to be faithful members and turn there life around That was good
@@DancingQueenie I was never afraid of temptation Never thought of that, (temptation) If it did, I guess I processed it and leave it behind if I did comited a sin by acting up on whatever the sin was I didn't think of it, now I do Im no saint but I do say that the church LDS help me b who I am now I have a big heart I help everybody always doing good to my fellow men I know a lot of people that express about LDS like if it was something bad Went is not I do love the way my parents brought me up,and I thank them For such a pleasure... Yo se qu vive mi senor Consuelo es poder saverlo. I don't know I don't mean to offend anybody,but go burn that energy u feel for the LDS at the gym,go out running Go do all the things u wanted to do that didn't do and don't tell Just enjoy it and 🤫 just don't get lost😘 💟💛💕I got love for u So beautiful lady you are Mamacita 😍🥰😘
I grew up as a Salt Lake City Mormon. The bullying is RELENTLESS. I was bullied horribly by the wards “favorite” boy. People would bear their testimonies about how Christlike and perfect this kid was. The same kid driving me into depression. The first crack in my (admittedly weak) testimony was seeing this awful person passing the sacrament every week. I knew he wasn’t worthy according to the church. I went to church every week until I moved out of the home to live with my non Mormon husband. Funny enough, we fled to Denver! Your story has helped me process all of that religious trauma that I’ve buried deep down for years. I’m really glad I never went through the temple, and I see my family in a different light knowing what happens in there. They go every month to do endowments!! My dad has always taught me about critical thinking. Oh, the irony!
Ngl hearing your story about baring your testimony to a women's group lowkey dunking on Joseph Smith in public is so freaking awesome. What a flipping mic drop. I know it wasn't a positive experience for you but your bravery girl. I love you for it ❤
Dear Alyssa, I have watched your videos since you started RUclips. You have a wonderful skill of story telling and engaging the listener. I am not Mormon and have frankly never had any interest in mormonism, but your ability to engage the listener is amazing. Your father was right that you were meant to be a teacher - just no the type of teacher you thought at the time!!
@@alyssadgrenfell Hi I i’ve also never been a member of the church but I’ll take pride in learning new perspectives of the world because I love hearing people and their stories, so keep doing you,girl! You’re doing an amazing job and I,A random Internet Stranger,is very very proud of you!
I think the previous writer may have a point. I kind of think that you have a talent for conveying information to people. A teacher? Maybe. A speaker of some kind? I also think that is possible.
I am still technically an active member, but I have been pushing myself away from the church for about 3 years now, I am currently 18 turning 19 and still living with my parents, the hardest part about leaving is my dad is currently my bishop and my entire family is incredibly devout and active. While I am stuck going to church (I do not have enough money to move out) I appreciate your videos as they allow me to realize I am not alone. While I am stuck with this right now, your videos have helped me cement my choice of leaving when I can
I was in a similar situation. I am now older and happily living my own life and I rarely think about the church. Hold fast dude, you’re nearly out of there.
I’m in a very similar situation, it’s such a sickening feeling to constantly lie abt what I believe in fear of being scolded or ostracized or even lose people who are close to me
I hope that when you do take the last step away, those whom you love the most and are most connected with will eventually understand and be reconciled to your choice, and that you will find persons to be friends with who will become your family of choice that will help you become strong in your new life. I believe you know what is best for you, and that your choices will be rewarding for you.
I grew Baptist too, and it’s insalubrious All the victim thinking, all the manipulation, all the psychological terror, all the hypocrisy And I feel like the Baptist Church doesn’t make sense, bc it loose itself in their own beliefs, I was taught that pre-destination was real, but at the same time you can still make your own choices and save yourself???
Girl. Don’t EVER say that you wish you were stronger for feeling suicidal. Ever. That is NOT a strength issue. You know that. You would never tell a suicidal person that they just need to be stronger, why would you talk down on yourself like that. You need to honor that version of yourself, she WAS strong. And SHE made YOU strong.
That's a very good way to look at things: Think of what you would say to somebody else who told you about a similar situation. Then say it to yourself.
Unfortunately a lot of people *would* say that to a suicidal person. After I was hospitalized for the first time for suicidal ideation, both my sister and my best friend responded with anger.
@@fern1285they do misions, they often go to 3rd world countries trying to take advantage of the poverty & lack of education of specific places. That’s how they got to Argentina too, but we don’t fuck w religion like that lol. So we don’t see them at all anymore
@@keim1234yeah i had a childhood friend whose mission was in nicaragua and it very much seemed like taking advantage of people... giving people in horrible situations aid IF they agreed to be baptized. it'd be one thing if they just had to go to church and listen to some sermons but it's disgusting to learn about how much the church pressures their members to tithe, even the poorest members.
“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?” ― Epicurus
He is able but doesnt always prevent it. We cant see the reasons why right now but he will reveal it in the end. He gave us free choice to do and be what we choose. God can see what the whole story is even though we can't
Your experience of being excluded by the other Mormon girls is very similar to what many of us nonmembers experience living in predominantly Mormon areas. Nonmembers who are born and raised in Utah and southern Idaho don’t see Mormons as generally kind and loving, but arrogant bullies.
I grew up in southeast Idaho. I am not a Mormon. I don’t remember getting bullied; but I do remember being ignored. Which is worse in someways. I had a few friends though, which was good.
Absolutely agree that we were solely trained to be mothers. I remember one time at moroni's quest, (for those who don't know, it's a youth camp where you reinact the book of mormon) we reinacted the scene when the young men go to war. We (the teenage girls) acted as the mothers of our male peers while they got to fight with fake swords. We weren't allowed to join. We just sat and watched. There was never a moment where the boys had to sit back while the girls had fun.
I went with a friend to a Mormon Girl's Camp and remember being shocked that we had a whole afternoon presentation about preparing to be good mothers with girls as young as 12 there. I was also upset we were out in the wilderness and instead of hiking or learning outdoor skills, we were inside crafting religious wall plaques.
@justkeepswimmin you totally just summed up my entire "young womens" experience. Me and my brother were in the youth group at the same time, and when we got home, he would tell me all the fun stuff he did (making fires, archery, basketball, hiking, axe throwing) and I would be like "we made paper hearts, and friendship bracelets." I'm an adult now, but it still makes me upset, haha
It's also messed up that you were the same age as these boys but encouraged to act like their mothers. Really grooming you to be a mommy-maid-wife to them later so that they would never have to do the most basic household task.
Bless your heart Alyssa!! I left my church back in 1988. I wish I’d had your voice in my ear at that time! I have NEVER regretted my decision to leave and I’m proud to have raised ethical humanities without any faith at all!💕
@@alinapritchett9276 yeah same honestly. I’m still working through so much religious trauma, guilt, and shame. I wish you luck on your healing journey 💕
... and that's the way it supposed to work. It's designed to do exactly that. If they can load you down with enough shame and confusion, they know they can get money out of you for the rest of your life.
Your channel is only a few months old, and you already have 120K subs. and a huge percentage of COMMENTS and Likes. This is a WOW Success story happening in real time, and I am so stinkin' proud of you for speaking out!
Thank you for this. I am gay, and just started coming to terms with that over a year ago. I still have a lot of self-loathing, and coming out to my parents was interesting because my dad is really supportive with whatever I do, but my mom has been having a hard time with it. She has access to my patriarchal blessing I got when I was 16, and it says in it that I will marry a woman in the temple. She recently called me and told me she received a revelation in the temple that my homosexuality was only a temporary thing and that I will be able to marry a woman. I broke down crying, and she didn’t understand why that hurt so much. I’ve gone through so much mentally and emotionally, going to church and then not going for months. It’s so exhausting to be surrounded by members who have no idea what it’s like being told that God doesn’t want you to be who you are, and that if you “act on your feelings” you are cutting yourself off from your family eternally. Anyway, if “Mormon Heaven” is real, I really don’t want to have anything to do with that😅
I'm so sorry for what you have to go through and not having the support of both of your parents. Glad your dad is with you The "revelations" of your mum and Alyssa (getting on a mission to Italy) are if course nothing more than their own strong wishes. You take good care of yourself please! ❤
I'm really sorry about that :( I think I'm bisexual, have since I was 14, but I won't ever come out to my parents because I just simply know they won't be supportive. They make homophobic comments all the time and even say slurs. It's something they'd disown me over, especially since that would then imply I don't believe in the church, another disownable offense to them. I still live at home despite being an adult, and I just can't move out right now, our housing market is insane, dumpy little homes are going for nearly half a million USD in my area and as I have lived here my own life, I'm too scared to leave. I know several others who have come out to their Mormon families and things haven't gone well, so I'm very sad for you and everyone else living like that. I hope someday you will be happy, you deserve it and you're fine just as you are. If God exists, he doesn't make mistakes and makes everyone as they're intended to be, straight or otherwise, because he likes variety. At least, that's what I believe God would be like assuming he exists as I no longer believe in God myself. Also agree with you about "Mormon Heaven", I definitely do not believe I would ever feel comfortable there and don't want anything to do with it.
My brief experience as an LDS convert made me live in constant fear of displeasing God. I was extremely paranoid in a very unhealthy way. I'll never forget a few weeks after joining the church, and I met up with a friend to work out. I so worried all of a sudden that my athletic shorts were too short. And my friend said something I should have listened to at the time, "When a religion makes you feel this self conscious about wearing perfectly appropriate shorts to exercise in, there's a huge problem." I wish I had listened.
@@radicalpaprika1720hes in the replies of literally every comment saying they had a negative experience w the church claiming those ppl are liars paid by god-haters. its obsessive, hes still replying to 5 day old comments. genuinely, do not engage. i do not say this as an insult but as someone who is close to someone w schizophrenia, this is unwell behavior that reminds me of obsessive delusions. hell reply to both of us now w some big spiel ab how we r lying and god hates us, watch lol
@@WatchingwaitingG2Dbuddy if you’re not comfortable enough with your religion to hear bad stories about it and are calling people liars instead then there’s an issue. Just accept that not everyone’s experience is sunshine and roses, and if that bothers you then maybe think about your beliefs or something.
I left 23 years ago, removed my name 7 years ago. The guilt shame spiral hits me still almost daily, but I am getting stronger. Glad I found your channel
Ironically, you ended up being a phenomenal teacher, just not in the way your father expected. You have a real way of explaining your experiences and telling stories in a way thats completely engaging and fascinating all the way through. You don't need to be a "teacher" of just kids to be able to pass on information to an audience so effectively. Phenomenal video as per usual
Well said. Alyssa needs to teach those who respect her, who want to learn, who want to listen. We are here for you, lady. Great job on being yourself! You are very brave.
I met a lot of missionaries. One of them I fell in love with and I knew he had strong feelings for me. He finished his mission, said he was going to come back to marry me but never did. 6 years later he came to my parents home divorced, ex Mormon and asking me to date him. I was married and happy. So happy watching this video that he didn’t come back. PS I am biracial.
I stumbled across your videos almost 20 years after leaving the church. Listening to you and mormon stories has been so cathartic and I'm able to look at myself with fresh eyes. I underestimated the effect the conditioning you go through as a mormon girl has even now. Its been great to unpack it and examine myself with fresh eyes. Definitely will buy your book. Thank you 🩷
My mother was born into a Mormon family on a large farm in southern Alberta, however she married my Lutheran father during WWII. After my father returned after the war they moved to the east where he was from, and there were very few Mormons. After a couple of years she just stopped being a Mormon - no drama. So fortunately when I was born I wasn’t exposed to Mormonism. I became aware that she was a former Mormon when I was around 12. I was amazed that she could have believed any of this stuff. She was a really wonderful mother, everyone loved her. She was kind and considerate and had a lot of common sense. She limited her family to 2 children, never smoked, but drank coffee and a little wine. Her 9 siblings (7 boys and 2 other girls) are all super-Mormons. I have 53 first cousins on her side of my family whereas I have one first cousin on my father’s side. She was devoted to my Dad who died in 2009. Mother died last year just 3 months shy of her 100th birthday. I miss her every day. I think that her Mormon upbringing gave her an innate decency and ethical character, but I’m glad I wasn’t raised in that cult.
In other words, a Mormon upbringing produces "innate decency" and "ethical character", "kind and considerate", "common sense", etc. But you're glad not to be a part of it. Hmmmm
@@JohnDLee-im4loyou are responding to everyone’s comments on this video. struggling with your testimony friend? go and find some time to spread the gospel instead of arguing online.
In High-school I had a Mormon friend who invited me to join him every week. I did with no intentions in joining the church and had been an atheist for a few years. One thing that stuck with me was this little interaction. Me and the guys went into the gym-area of their church, but all the girls were led off somewhere else. So I asked, "why aren't they joining in the fun?" And it led somehow to the group leader dude saying "oh girls don't want to join and wouldn't like it." Which was complete nonsense because the church I went to... girls played with guys, loved playing basketball and all that good stuff. I doubt he really listened to what I said and just assumed those girls were like fallen or something. That was the last time I was invited.
my dad randomly converted to mormonism when i was in middle school and he used to drag me to church sometimes. it shocked me as a 12 year old girl to be split up from my dad for 2 out of the 3 hours into a room filled with other girls being taught that we had to obey our future husbands and develop motherly traits. like... what husbands? what motherhood? we were TWELVE... i wonder if the boys got fed nonsense about how they have to listen to their future wives or work hard on developing fatherly traits, or if they had the privilege to be focused on who they are as individuals. it left a sick taste in my mouth even then because i was very aware of sexism from a young age and i felt so much anger and self hate because of it
@@eri020 Yep, obey, obey, obey. Obey your father. Obey your husband. Obey all priesthood holders (which is really all mormon men). Never make a decision of your own. All decisions regarding your life must be made by a priesthood holder. In other words "Not by you."
I was involved with the Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts for decades. When Scouting admitted girls to membership, that's when I quit. My experience is that boys and girls have different interests and abilities. Any time you mix boys and girls together in activities you have to make compromises and choices about whose interests will be served, and whose interests will be second. In Scouting there have always been Girl Scouts, and that has almost entirely been led by adult women. They have considerable freedom to decide on what kind of program the girls in their groups will have. In Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts, the emphasis was on values and activities that boys were interested in. That was often based on some kind of competition to spark interest among boys. But put boys and girls together and you will have MOTHERS who think that their precious daughters should have a program tailored to the special needs and interests of girls. If that means that such program don't have much appeal to boys, TOUGH! Girls rule is the attitude. Girl Scouts had the reputation of being a second rate program compared to Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts. I suspect that's because men and fathers were discouraged from being leaders in the program and bringing the experience in camping and the outdoors that men commonly have and women usually do not. Young boys of Cub Scout age commonly do not want to associate with girls. Now girls are foisted upon them in Scouting and they can say nothing about their objections to that. Their opportunities to learn to be boys and men is compromised. And older male Scouts are bound to be sexually active among young female Scouts on camping trips and such. There really nothing that is going to prevent that. So once again feminists have penetrated the world of boys and men and forced girls and women into that environment, much to the harm of boys and men.
Thanks for sharing. Also baptized at 8, except religion never made any sense to me. Magic man in the sky and magic books always seemed unreal/unserious. At 14 my mom gave me a choice, she’d no longer force me to attend. That was the last time I stepped foot in a church. 20+ years later it makes as much sense today as it did as a child. Zero sense. Listening to you reminds me of my childhood, and my mother (who also attended BYU). Respect
It's made me think a lot about the certainty that if you pray and are led by and rely on God, you CAN'T do wrong or make mistakes. When history makes it very clear that... yes we can. Christians (and people of all religions) have done horrible things under the banner of heaven. We need to be a whole lot more humble about how we move through the world.
I am Catholic ( born in a Catholic family and adopted and raised by a Catholic family) and this video made me realize the importance of stopping to be honest with myself and assess what i really believe vs what i was taught to believe. All religions become culty by the sheer group pressure to not question the doctrine. If you do not honestly question everything, there is no free will.
ONE HUNDRED PERCENT!!!!!!! Religion be like: God loves you unconditionally, but if you do something sinful you will go to hell. Reality and actual logic be like: how THE FECK does that make any sense. If god's love was truly unconditional, there wouldn't even be a hell and everyone would just go to heaven regardless of what you do.
@@LovecraftianGodsKiller Exactly!! Either god invented evil himself or is NOT all powerful... it can't be both true that he's all powerful but didn't invent evil. Cool your following the creator of evil? Religion is literally like "god is all powerful! god didn't create evil! but god IS all powerful... but he TOTALLY DID NOT create evil!" -_-
As an attempt survivor, PLEASE never see yourself as not being strong enough at the time. Ideation and desire for it comes from a DEEP and very DARK place where you were "strong for too long" -- and surviving a cult IS STRENGTH, Alyssa ❤❤ mine stemmed from parental neglect and abuse, I'm not afraid to say it anymore. After some time, I REALLY hope you see yourself in the bright light we all do. You're beautiful, STRONG AS HELL both spiritually and physically, a very intelligent woman, and so very loved. To anyone reading this: YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE. I PROMISE!!! Like I said, I survived an attempt. I'm open to chat with any of you, if you need it, or give you supporting words. We are in a HORRID time in this country, we need villages for more than just children. ❤
One of my closest friends is ex-mo. The stories they’ve shared about their life growing up Mormon are at once baffling and honestly heartbreaking. I have another friend (we’re all physically disabled & use wheelchairs) was told by someone in the church that she hadn’t been healed from her spinal cord injury that she had at 4 years old because she hadn’t prayed hard enough or hadn’t done enough to be healed, and that just really fucks me up & I’m not even close to being in her shoes. The fact that someone can, with a straight face (if any faith), say that to someone, completely disregarding their trauma, is disgusting to me. I’m so glad you’re in a place that you can see your value as a human outside of what you were taught as a child.
The mental gymnastics that your parents and the church put you through is wild. So heartbreaking to hear your experience of school. You couldn’t win, whatever you did! Your parents made normal ‘growing up’ things into a crime, and I hate that. Thank you for being so brave to share your story in such an in depth way!
You are very brave to leave the cult of Mormonism it's one thing to leave a cult when you joined as an adult but you didn't convert to Mormonism you were born into it so it must have been so very difficult for you, respect to you for getting out of it, I hope your happy in life ❤ xxx
I am finding your videos very interesting as someone quite removed from religion. Thank you for sharing, you don't try to skew people's opinion and i appreciate it
@@yveltalseashe doesnt, this is one of the 4 accts that leaves hate under a bunch of the positive comments on her videos to try to claim shes being paid by god-haters to badmouth the church. do not engage lol
@@whalesharks nah don't worry, I just wanted them to answer what part was a lie, because it's obvious that all of it is true. Of course, they can't come up with anything that isn't true in the video, which is why they cant respond lmao.
I love how you and your husband grew together. I’m a little envious of the way your love has encouraged both of you to change and push forward. I wish my own marriage had worked out like that, but the dogma we needed to break wasn’t religious. We had already left religion before we met each other. I love all your uploads, thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing your story. 💖
The whole idea that I can literally choose to do WHATEVER I want with my life after leaving the church… honestly it was so healing. I was so afraid to leave and was so afraid of the consequences of that. But I totally agree, leaving the church was the most freeing thing I could have ever done.
I love how you articulated the manufacturing of guilt and then providing the antidote for the guilt they introduced into your life in the first place. One of the first things I felt lift from my shoulders when leaving the Mormon church was guilt I never should have felt, and it’s also the most lasting and hard to release 17 years later.
I didn't grow up Mormon, but so much of this resonates with leaving Catholicism. There's that long period of wondering whether your own feelings are right or if you're just sinful. At the end of the process you feel like you've lost not only eternal life in heaven, but also the reassurance of having a caring god to watch over you. That's already a crushing experience, but the risk of losing friends and family makes it very isolating as well.
I was baptized in the Mormon church as an 8 yr old but soon after, my little brother passed away and my parents strayed from the church. My mom was always sad I think that she left, saying she had blind faith. They were sealed in the church but I never really knew what that meant until now. I still struggle to understand how they believed in Joseph Smith and his teachings. Thank you for letting me finally know what goes on behind closed doors. You are brave, beautiful and strong.
I'm just at the part where you're talking about being "perfect" before turning 8 and wishing to die before then to have a perfect soul... as someone with a very catholic upbringing it is so healing to hear other people describe the same thoughts I used to have
Wow. Sorry your experience growing up Catholic made you feel that way. When taught/and shared correctly, Catholicism is beautiful and full of forgiveness.
@@texasgal4732 It actually was taught/shared to me "correctly" trust me. Traditional roman catholic family going to Latin mass every Sunday covering our hair with veils is as "correct" as it gets in the church. The sermons every Sunday were "correct" according to teachings, the way we were raised in the home were exactly according to the ten commandments. I know all about the beauty and forgiveness, beauty and forgiveness were everywhere growing up. the only thing, what does a young child need to be forgiven for? Why was I raised being told that my soul had a black stain on it before I ever had the chance to take my first breath? Why was I to repent to an old man in a small dark box and tell him about my sexual encounters before I ever told my best friend? Why did a small child need "forgiveness", to be saved? Forgiveness and beauty were not without an intense and overwhelming culture of shame and ugliness. All I needed to be saved from was the church. Weeping and gnashing of teeth, eternal hellfire, all encompassing darkness and pain- my greatest fear since before I can remember. Children do not deserve that.
The last section of your video really spoke to me - living according to what was right and true to you instead of what's been pushed on or dictated to you. I haven't had an experience like yours, but that was so helpful in thinking about what parts of my life I've lived based on other people's expectations, instead of charting my own path. Thank you for sharing this.
As someone who has never even met a Mormon, I have fallen down the ex Mormon rabbit hole and it’s insanely interesting. Many similarities to my experiences of evangelical Christianity, but no where near as deep. Keep up the great work and putting this content out
Yes. Evangelicals have purity tests (more pure, closer to God), in group out group, norms. Every group has a hierarchy too. Some people are more holy, better Christians etc. This even goes to following rules in American life! I'm a good person, since I'm vaccinated, i vote democrat, support Ukraine. Very hard to make a real identity with all that pressure, but it never really stops. Its a bit of an effort to form your own ideas and not be a follower.
religious trauma is a horror story. I wasn't a church going kid but my best friend was, and he told me in no uncertain terms that because I wasn't baptised I would forever burn in hell. That is so damaging to a child.
They believe in 3 kingdoms, of differing glory, and “outer-darkness(which is hell). The 3 kingdoms are celestial, terrestrial, and telestial. Only the best Mormons go to celestial. Goodish people go to terrestrial, and bad people go to telestial. I was taught that those who denied god despite knowing of his existence were reserved for outer darkness. This scared me and made me question how much I wanted to know about the church, because once that ignorance was gone, if I questioned it or said no, I was going to outer darkness. Super healthy philosophy. But hey, they’re forward thinkers for the three kingdoms let me tell ya!
I have a similar story 😕 When I was little, the girl who lived across the street from us quickly became my friend but when I said 'damn it' after hurting myself, she looked me dead in the eyes and told me I was going to burn in hell... Religion is so fking ridiculous.
My husband’s family came over on the Mormon trail. A story he told me of his childhood is right before he was baptized at 8. He knew he’d be ‘washed cleaned’ of his sin, so he hid behind the couch and said “fuck, fuck, fuck”. His parents heard and instead he had his mouth washed out with soap.
I remember being encouraged/forced to attend BYU-I as my parents decided they would only assist me with payments if I decided to go to a church school despite how I felt about them. Due to feeling ostracized and not really relating to the people there, as my ideas were already not in alliance with the church on issues such as LGBT, diversity and race issues, I fell into depression and stopped leaving my room except to go to the restroom and to eat. I remember the one thing I was looking forward to was my GF at the time coming to see me and because of the fact that she couldn’t stay in the dorm we decided to stay in a hotel. A few weeks later I got a call from the honors office, which I assumed was for my attendance issues, as they didn’t notify me of the reason before I showed up and when I did I ended up being yelled at, questioned as to what I was doing at the school, told I was wasting church resources as well as being asked disgusting and unnecessarily questioning such as if I had sex and how many times it happened that night. To make it worse it was during thanksgiving break, where I was alone in my dorm with no support around me, not even roommates. I just remember laying in my room crying for hours as I was so worried I had disappointed my parents as well as the overwhelming stress as to what I was going to do as I was to be off the premises 42 hours from this happening. I was treated like I was the worst person on campus by someone who had no idea of my character or what was going on with my mental health at the time and I can only imagine what the harm this approach has caused, especially to people who have issues with suicidal ideation.
I went there too (same deal with my parents, we didn’t even talk about other colleges) and wanted to end my life every day. I didn’t relate to anyone, and I had my own tangle with the honor code office because my mother called them on me. I feel validated reading your story.
Don't you think the school is ENTITLED to make such rules? I'm sure you knew about them in advance, yet you chose to break them. You made a mistake by going to BYU in the first place, I'd say. What was your experience about sexuality at other colleges or universities that you attended later? Did girlfriends routinely spend the night with college boyfriends? Did men and women share common dorms and adjacent dorm rooms perhaps? Do you suppose that such practices, along with a lot of alcohol and drug use, caused sexual assaults to take place that would not have taken place at BYU?
To me it's interesting when members are uncomfortable with those of us who have left sharing our stories, saying that we're negative or "can't leave it alone". However, it's clear that growing up in the church was an enormous part of your life that has influenced who you are; it's a part of your history, so of course you can talk about it. I like the idea of breaking this culture of silence we grew up in, where you're only allowed to share your thoughts, feelings and experiences as long as they align with the teachings of the church. I say this also because my dad would often complain about exmos talking about the church, but now that I'm one, I don't feel that I should be banned from talking about my experiences, especially after I put so much time into the church and it's such a part of my history and life experience.
Exactly this! Now whenever I read a comment about “exmos can’t leave the church alone” I tell them it’s suspicious that they view exmos telling their experience as a threat. Anything that’s true should be able to stand up to criticism. Funny(not really)
I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been to grow up in such an environment, but managing to leave and live the life you want is so incredibly commendable. So proud of you and every ex mormon who has left to lead a better life ❤
I was the first 'gentile' hired by a Mormon family who ran a business. Being referred to as a 'gentile' when I am Jewish, was humorous. Because they liked me, they asked me to read the Book of Mormon - but not as a requirement for being hired. After a month on the job, they invited me to their home for dinner - naturally it was a large family. I was asked if I had read the Book of Mormon. After I replied that I had, and had it on my shelf for books of mythology. I was asked if I would ever consider joining. My answer: A year and a day after I am dead, you will have my name to baptize me. I understand I have a choice; I'll give you my answer then.
Thank you for sharing! Your humor really shines through, lol. I am ex Mormon, now a Christian. I still want to know- how exactly does the deceased person give their consent? Do they send a letter from beyond? Seriously though, it's disturbing.
I left the church in my 20’s and struggled a lot with my mental health very seriously. I was blamed and shamed for my issues by my family and every other Mormon I knew who told me that i just needed to come back to church, when in reality I was struggling and suffering because I was sexually abused by a primary teacher in the church as a child and blocked out the memories until my 30’s. I don’t talk to my family any more, and they’re sad for me and think I’m lost. I still struggle to trust myself and my own thinking skills, learning critical thinking slowly, and content like yours keeps me connected to my own heart and sanity. I can’t even tell you how much I appreciate your work. It reminds me that I’m not crazy, I’m not alone, and I’m not just a sinner or lazy learner. Thank you so much for doing what you do.
I appreciate your videos so much, Alyssa. While I was not raised Mormon, my grandma was very Mormon and my mom left the church sometime after graduating BYU. Watching your videos makes sense of a lot of my childhood as I see how much was still ingrained in my mom and influenced her as a wife and mother, while she was also struggling with getting out of that belief system and “losing her religion”. I can only imagine how helpful it would have been for her to have the resources and perspectives that you provide available to her then. Thank you on behalf of all those questioning and/or leaving their LDS faith and those of us that have been affected by it ❤
I'm not Mormon, but I live in Utah and have done so since coming to the States (from Ukraine) when I was around 7. In third grade, we moved to Bountiful and I met my best friend at the time. She was deaf and had an interpreter because no one could speak ASL. I befriended her through her interpreter but after about a month of that I realized it was very inefficient to communicate that way so I started learning ASL. I got very fluent and we became best friends. I was literally the only kid in school who bothered to learn ASL - to the point that if her interpreter was absent, I'd be called to interpret for her. My friend was super grateful because she's never had anyone go out of their way to learn her language to communicate with her. I just knew how annoying it was to speak through an interpreter, myself (though for me it was Russian-English and vice versa), so I figured I'd invest time in learning. We became inseperable. That is, until her parents realized I wasn't Mormon. At first, they loved me and were grateful that I learned so much just to interact with their daughter, but the second it came out that I wasn't LDS, her parents forbade her from speaking to me. Imagine - they forbade the only friendship she had where she could speak without an interpreter and could share her feelings with just her friend - all because I wasn't LDS. They even told the interpreter to make sure we weren't allowed to interact at school. The interpreter refused but told them she would. She simply saw how much our friendship meant to her and refused to come between us. I was no longer allowed at their house or to speak over the phone (late 90's and via TTS). I was just baffled because they took away the one thing their daughter was the most grateful for at the time. I wish I could say we kept in touch, but we weren't able to. Her parents were thrilled when we didn't go to the same Junior High and refused to allow her to come to my house, too. Made me so sad. To forbid a friendship with the only person who went out of their way to learn to communicate with her is wild. I hope she's doing well. Edit: I'm kinda annoyed at the people who are crying that I'm not being "humble" and am "bragging" about learning ASL. That was the last thing on my mind while I was recounting this story; I was just thinking about the best way to get the importance of our friendship across. Also, yes; this did happen. Billions of people on this planet and this is what you doubt? Come on, guys. I realize it's pointless to try to justify myself, so I'm just gonna add this here and ignore anyone else who feels the need to "call [me] out". Seriously, children. Grow up.
That's an isolated issue. Most Mormons would not keep you apart. But would have welcomed you. An entire Faith should not be judged because of certain people. You get all kinds in every crowd. But that experience is not typical. Neither is this girls experience.
@@shadowgirl8038 I recognize your reply because I myself have given similar ones when I was still in my high control religion. Every time, it was "this isn't indicative of every [x] member" or something to that extent. And yes, while you're right, because everyone is different. the fact is that the religious teachings absolutely played a part in it. And to just dismiss Alyssa's experience as "atypical" is rather ignorant, as well, because it is far from that. I am in quite a few ex-relgious groups because of my own experience and because I want to learn of others, and most ex-Mormons have a very similar one. Alyssa's experience is legitimate and experienced by many, many people. I also have personal experience with family members who have been, for lack of a better word, "tricked" into becoming baptized into the Mormon faith to up their numbers. Plus, as someone married to a linguist with serious interest in history, I've discovered that in the end it doesn't matter what people say if the entire foundation is built on flawed logic and lies. But I understand your need and desire to defend it as otherwise. I used to do the same for my own former beliefs. I hope you have a lovely day (seriously... it sounds sarcastic, but I mean it)!
Some of us never learn the lesson of living your own best life. I am 73 and learning that lesson. I lost my religion for several year but now am finding new motivation and understanding of my faith. I have finally found my own voice and am no so concerned with how others see me. You are a courageous woman and I hope you are able to find peace and contentment and happiness.
Wow. Love this. I was raised in Utah and in the church. I Left the church at 19. This is the most accurate depicition I have ever heard of the Morman experiance. As soon as I finish watching this video I will be going on Amazon to buy your book. Thank you.
I relate so much to your story, just this semester I had to drop out of student teaching in Utah because of the intense anxiety and panic attacks I was experiencing non-stop. I chose this career path because I got the "go ahead" feeling from the "spirit" that it was what I was supposed to do. It was the worse experience. I am so grateful to have found my way out of the church and now being able to truly make my own decisions!
Thanks for sharing this amount of personal experience and being so vulnerable. It’s really opened my eyes to how somebody gets through this experience. Hope more people find your channel!
There is a dizzying number of parallels to my experience with an abusive parent. Especially assuming I must be wrong and they must be right whenever I was faced with contradictions, and doubling down at times when others might be inspired to question or rebel. Thank you for sharing your experience, it makes me feel better about that. As hard as it is to discover and create who you are so late (I’m 32), it’s a relief and a true delight to do so, just like you’ve said.
So true! In both cases the rules are presented as evidence based, where they are entirely made up and fit for only the "leader". It's a belief system presented as truth. In both cases emotional, psychological, physical, sexual and often financial pressure is on to ensure the "willing" participation of others than the leader/parent/boss In other words: some people are jerks and pressure others to work for them
I have never been mormon, but I did grow up in a heavily catholic family and it was nice to hear about someone else experiencing the freedom and joy of being able to think for themselves and cast of the yoke of control. I saw a lot of parallels between my experience and yours and it has helped me think about where I am in my own journey after breaking away from the church. I love hearing about the journeys of others and to see this channel and book help others to find peace like that. You are sharing something important alyssa, keep it up!
Me, too. Left in 2010 when the unimaginable scandal broke. I've never looked back. Besides, I was shunned when I got divorced. Shame is shame and guilt is guilt. I feel finally free. 💙
I don't agree with how every little thing in the catholic church is done but there is SO much truth in it and so many intellectuals who were catholic and still are, amazing smart people who studied the Bible and the context..... Christ is the way and the Catholic Cburch follows it the best out of any religion.... the eucharist is what keeps like....I've had my own experiences with the eucharist and other people I know..... there is a movie being made coming soon about the real presence 🙌 maybe check it out....or check out "Surpised by Oxford " I think many people could like it THE BOOK, it's much better than the movie...the author goes into why she became Christian....CS Lewis is alos known as the "reluctant convert" I know people are flaws but God really is who HE says He is
I grew up muslim and made very very similar experiences. I still believe in God but just not in the way that I was taught during my childhood. Too hateful towards too many people. To me believing in God means being led by love and compassion for everyone and using the brain that I was given to think for myself.
The Emmett Till anecdote was awful. Then I remembered some shitty little school in Utah tried to make Black History Month "optional." I don't blame you for quitting teaching.
Wow, this was an incredible and powerful video Alyssa! Watching this reminded me how traumatized I was being born and raised in the church. I too remember thinking I was jealous of people who died before 8 because they didn’t have a chance to sin. In what world should a child think that? I remember lying to the bishop about masturbation as a 12 year old and being tormented with guilt but I knew if I was honest all the boys in church would know I did something bad. No child should have to face such guilt over a natural human experience. I was in the church for 18 years, was a seminary graduate and had many of the same experiences such as being bullied by “righteous” Mormon kids and finding true friendship with people that weren’t believers. I remember feeling so guilty and being so hard on myself over the most trivial thoughts and feelings that I now know are totally normal. I remember too, how hard it was to lose a testimony in something I had told myself over and over was true even thought my doubts increased over time. I remember vividly that night when I was 18 where my father made a joke critical of the church and I told him that I actually thought that was accurate, and it led to a several hour discussion between him and I about how many issues we had with the church and that night we decided to leave and stop believing together and how special and powerful of a bond that was for a father and son to share. I’m so grateful I never had to torture myself with a mission and lie to myself through such strenuous circumstances but even then, it took another 10 years after I left the church to truly feel like I found myself. I knew when I was a child I wanted to pierce my ears but that’s not something a man does in the church, and more broadly, the stereotypical conservative Christian man view, and even though I left at 18, it took me until 28 to overcome the feeling that I’ll be judged for being different but I finally did and I loved it! Now I have 7 piercings, my fiancé is my dream woman and we have a son that will never have to suffer mental anguish at the hands of a cult that seeks to control like I did. To top it all off, I have my secret silly lip tattoo that says “IDGAF!” that brings me so much joy knowing it’s there, it’s considered naughty, and it’s a motto I can truly use to guide my life. I am free and I truly don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks about it, I’ll live my life my way. I’m so glad you found your way to the truth too and it breaks my heart that people are still struggling in the position that we once were in with the truth conflict ingrained beliefs but I know you are the reason that some people will come to see the light and truth and you should be truly proud of yourself for that! Thank you 😊
I find this whole conversation so fascinating. Thank you for sharing. I am so happy for you for believing in yourself and living a life of self expression.
When you first leave the church it feels a lot more serious than it really is, I still love hearing other peoples experiences in the church being a former lds church member myself, extremely fascinating
having s -- cidal thoughts and panic attacks is not a lack of strength or a sign of weakness. it's perfectly understandable for your mental health to suffer under being in a situation that you believed God and your family wanted you to be in, while having a crisis of faith and having to deal with a lack of support. ❤
Your voice does matter! I resonate with all of this so deeply! Healing from mormonism has been such a difficult thing for me. I'm grateful for creators like you who make me feel less alone in the heaviness of it all.
The story about the baptism rings so true to me. I thought I was the only one that felt so much pressure to not sin because that was the one and only time we would be perfect. I had totally forgot about those feelings. Thank you for sharing your story.
Hi! I just recently found your channel. I didn't grow up Mormon, but I did grow up in the Institute of Basic Life Principles cult that was led by Bill Gothard. The similarities between that and so much of Mormonism is....wild! I know I'm just an internet random, but I am proud of you for being able to do the deep dive into examining your beliefs, living more aligned with your authenticity and finding a life on the other side. I know from experience that it is no small task to do!!!
To use an analogy....when LDS talks about a "Stake" or "Stake of Zion", it's basically like a Catholic "Diocese", and a "Ward" is basically a "Parish."
If you watch enough of the videos on other cult like religions you can find similarities of control in all of them. For instance purgatory a place to go until you have enough candles lifted, masses said, novenas said, you essentially have to be prayed into Heaven. None of this is scripture! Not one single word or practice can get you into Heaven except Jesus Christ shed blood on Calvery. And take the free gift of His sacrifice. One on one. Just look and analyze the differences.
As a junior who’s gone to middle and high school in a rural school, I really appreciate you sharing Emmet Till’s story with them. My teachers never did that for us and there’s a severe lack of empathy for others in our school and community. I remember being disturbed by the story in elementary school and showing my friends so they saw what I saw and they all laughed at me for being disturbed by it, which shocks me to this day. I believe Emmet Till should be taught to all teens.
I have just discovered your videos today and i just want to say how much i love that you discribe how most people would react being in your place, but how you felt in those moments. That is a wonderful way of making people understand how it is to get through that stuff. Thank you for opening my eyes!
I can relate with you so much! I’m also an exmormon and kind of ex-teacher too. Classroom management is so incredibly hard these days. Thank you for sharing your story!
Thanks for your videos. I only recently found them. I was never a Mormon, but I wrestled with faith related issues. I remain a Christian but I had a very bad experience with people within a denomination not my faith. My brother at one point was Mormon but he has since left. Your videos help me understand what he left behind. I notice so many ex Mormons or JWs become agnostic or atheist. I can certainly understand and sympathize with you for the emotional reaction to losing your faith. I saw you cry at the end of one video. Glad you left it in. It really drove home what you left behind after being raised in it. I’m glad you are happy now and that your husband has been right at your side as you move forward. Good luck with the channel moving forward. I have learned a lot from you
I am from Montana! I have enjoyed watching your videos and learning to have compassion for those who are on missions, because they are probably in tough situations.
I find all of your videos so fascinating! I’d also be interested in hearing what it’s like growing up male as a Mormon. What kinds of things are they taught? Is there a similar pressure? What’s boys’ camp like?
Thank you for sharing your story. You have done the best that you could at each point that you spoke of. We are all on a journey of healing in our own way.
I lived in Utah for the end of my senior year. I was the only black person in all my classes. I also worked for Feature Films for Families. I think this is why I have an obsession with learning about Morman history. Thank you for your story.
Oh dear, the Southern Baptist church I grew up in, you also were encouraged to get Baptistized at 8. Except, I never did. Even tho we had classes to prepare us, we also had to walk down the very long aisle of our large church and publicly profess our faith. I was just too shy to do that and my parents didn't pressure me.
I also grew up SBC and responded to the altar call at 8. There was so much social pressure to go up around that age! If you were 5, that was like some sign of holiness, but if you waited till you were 12, you must have been some sort of hellion. 😂 What are you repenting from at 8?? I was super shy, too, which in and of itself wasn’t ok to be as a Southern Baptist kid. I never fit and I’m so glad I eventually realized I didn’t have to.
@@bengriffin9830Wow, that sounds so messed up! Glad to have grown up in an evangelical environment where it was considered a completely private matter, just something that's between you and God, and without any expectations as to at which age this should happen. Today, I'm not even so sure that you really need a particular conversion experience. It's nowhere in the Bible that it has to be a response to an altar call or something similar. I'm pretty sure a lot of my Lutheran ancestors will be in heaven, too, even though most of them may never have "given their hearts to Jesus" in a conscious way because they never heard of it being necessary. It's so sad that people often reduce faith to their own ideas instead of just being inviting and assisting others on their journey towards God.
Yes. I think it would be a great experience for every Mormon to talk about their religion and ordinances outside of Utah/idaho. And see how the explanations for baptisms for the dead go over. 😮 It’s a good experience for any one of any religion to have conversations and friendships with people of different faiths (and no faith). Instead of only staying isolated with people with think (or believe) the exact same way you do. Great video! ❤
This is the same as a narcissistic relationship that gaslights you into believing that you’re the one who is always wrong. That doesn’t shock me since Joseph Smith showed so many signs of being narcissistic. He even wrote himself into the Bible of all things. I don’t think it gets worse than that. I am an ex Mormon turned Christian. It actually hurts my heart to see the Gospel I know now, having been distorted to cause such trauma and suffering to others.
As a born and raised member who is exmo now, I relate to this so much. On the outside, I see how crazy it all is and how problematic a lot of the history and doctrine is.
I was raised Catholic and left a long time ago. Left all religions about 25 years ago. A friend of mine was talking about how Scientology was a cult and the crazy stuff they believed. I said that it didn't seem any crazier than what any other religion believed. I realized that every religion has crazy stuff in their doctrine that from the outside it is astounding that anyone believes it, at least to me. Sure, some have a really controlling element-most of them fundamentally but the cult identification it really based on how they treat you when you leave. And somewhat how all encompassing the experience is when you are in it.
@@kirielbranson4843 my parents have been involved with Scientology i find it to be crazy. Unlike you i became a catholic 12yrs ago. Im 34yo now and quite happy about it. Unlike scientology im not pushed around or coerced. I go to Church, do my devotions but no one is looking over my shoulder forcing me to do it or to give money. I help the church projects i agree with because i can and want to.
@@etcwhatever I do think the controlling stuff is part of cults vs accepted mainstream religions. But when listening to a bunch of the deconstructing videos I think some of the mainstream ones are also controlling. Purity culture is a big one. The Catholic religion will always have a special place in my heart because I grew up with it. Went to a Catholic high school and college. Studied science there and learned about evolution, astronomy, physics and biology and computer science. The religion never felt restrictive. It seemed to have gotten over its growing pains like the inquisition and such. I just stopped believing it.
@@kirielbranson4843 im not american so im not fully sure what the so called purity culture involves. I do think its honorable though to be virgin until marriage. Not out of coercion but out of choice. I was a virgin when i got baptized at 22. And no i didnt got married i was engaged twice 😅 for me living chastely has been the best decision i ever took after my mess ups. Its not easy but i find it peaceful and rewarding. I think its important for people to value their bodies dignity and to not sleep around. If they do though and a younger lady gets pregnant...i think any loving parent should support them in having and raising the child. Many Catholic priests actually say that getting pregnant young isnt a reason to get married to some guy...this is why now children from single mothers can be baptized. Anyone can make mistakes and should still be a part of the catholic community. For me the line needs to be drawn if people are trying to follow the rules or not. Some people like to live in sin and want to change the Church. Im against that. If they dont want to follow the rules to the best of their abilities then they can go somewhere else. No one will shun them socially like the amish or something but they need to go somewhere else instead of promoting heresy.
@@etcwhatever the purity culture in America has caused a lot of trauma for young people. I have even see gay people say they didn't understand they were gay until after they got married and realized they weren't experiencing the miracle of marital bliss. They thought everyone experienced feelings for the same sex because that was just a sin they had to fight against. That once they got married they would be blessed. It goes further than that and many young people married at 18/19 because that was the only way they could experience even holding hands. Plus women believe they should drop everything and start having children immediately because that is what god wants for them. It is a one size fits all that causes so much shame when young people break any rule - holding hands, kissing, and yes, sex. They are encouraged to confess all this, in some religions, in great detail, to elder men in the community. Then are set apart until deemed "good" again. Many times not thought of as good enough for the "best" mates. The purity culture fosters perfect chastity while limiting information. There are a lot of people who have left their religious organizations who have spoke out about how much it harmed them and set them back.
Part of sin is intent and understanding consequences. 3 year olds don't really understand consequences. I don't think 8 year olds really do either, I think Mormonism pushes kids to pledge thier lives too early as a method of control.
@@moringsdaughterI think they were making a joke rather than being serious, but I agree. 8 year olds don’t really fully understand the consequences of their actions either.
I have never watched a 1 h and 37 minute long video with just someone talking with this much interrest. It was a very capivating hearing you talk about your life. Thank you!
Congratulations on embracing a more authentic version of yourself. Thank you for opening up about such significant insights. Although I am not LDS/Mormon, I was previously unaware of the profound internal struggles women experience concerning their group and family identities. At nearly 50 years old, I am surprised to realize that I had overlooked such an essential aspect of women's experiences, and perhaps of humanity in general. Your willingness to share such deep and personal aspects of your life and journey has been incredibly enlightening. Age doesn't automatically bring wisdom; sadly. Your experiences, wisdom beyond your age, challenges, jopurney, and resilience are truly enlightening and helpful. Life is difficult, and being part of a cult certainly doesn't make it any easier. Please continue to share your journey. Keep being true to yourself. Stay strong.
You are amazing at telling your story- I was raised as Hindu in the US, so very far removed from Mormonism lol. Your podcast got me so interested I had to stop half way through and hunt down the older version of the temple endowment movie you mentioned. I started this at 10 pm last night and I’m still awake watching it on 2x speed finding out what covenant or endowment even meant, really. It’s intense how thoroughly manipulated human psychology can work- you explain it in a way that it is very simple to put myself in your shoes and follow along in the very relatable and logical line of questioning that one would have in different situations like that. It’s way too much of over simplification to just say “oh I wouldn’t have done that” or whatever. Like… yeah. That’s why you’re talking about it. Cuz you probably wouldn’t have done that otherwise…
I stumbled upon your videos because I'll be going to Salt Lake City as an university exchange studnet soon and wanted to know more about the cultural differences. As an atheist who grew up christian but never really religious it's so interesting but shocking hearing about other people's live stories and how they often wouldn't even be possible in my country.
SLC is becoming more and more secular in comparison to other parts of the state. Provo, Brigham, and Cache Valley are still very Mormon, and I unfortunately cant promise you wont run into some bigotry.. but I do want to let you know that besides all that bad there are a ton of good things here. You will find some good people to show you around and hang around with! So many different types here, just have to find them!
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Saying this with so much love: panic attacks and suicidal ideation do not come from a lack of strength. It doesn't mean much from a random internet stranger, but I'm proud of you. Thank you for sharing your story.
Seconded! Those kids sounded awful for anyone to deal with!
Agreed!
I have passive suicidal ideation all the time from past trauma. I do not hide it. I have a right to leave it on my menu, as I like to know it's there if I want it one day. It comforts me to know I can choose it, to see it on the menu!
Absolutely. No need to give reasons for why you didn't see it realize things as a child. You're a child, give yourself grace.
Yes, it is not something to be ashamed of, honestly.
I did not grow up Mormon, but I love watching your videos and learning things the general public doesn’t normally know.
Same.
The part about your high school friends hit hard. I am not a current or former Mormon but love your channel. I recently, as an adult, realized through therapy why I “got in with a bad crowd” in high school: they were kind and accepting to me, unlike my family and previous “friends.”
Same
Same
Me too
“Taught to believe authority over your own gut” is SO SPOT ON
I enjoy your vedios. I have been a LDS member for 75 years. I served a mission from 1968 to 1970. I have had slot of calling in the church including being an Army Chaplain. 9 months ago my wife had back surgery and is just now recovering from it. We took this time to really study the church doctrine and history. The SEC fine started us going down the rabbit hole. If they lied about church finances what else have they lied about? There are to many things to list here that have caused concern throughout the decades of my membership. Truth stands up to scrutiny. It is hard to think I bought the narritive for most of my life. Thanks for your story. Best wishes to you and your family.
I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. Facing unpleasant truths and having to question your life is just horrible. When I did it (ex-Catholic) it felt like my heart was breaking. I really hope you can find a measure of freedom and peace for yourself and your wife.
Thanks for your concern. We are doing well. We live in an amazing community of 500 people in the mountains of central Idaho. They are very supportive and understanding.
Thanks for removing your weakness and confusion from among us.
@@JohnDLee-im4lowhat do you mean by this?
@@oliviafroelich9137 Just thanking old Kent for leaving the church. Weak and confused people cycle in and out of the church all the time. He's just another.
I can certainly see why men don’t want to leave. It’s a man’s world.
Not for any man with a soul.
@@Zoltair_Jerry well most men don’t have em anyway
@@Day2Night_Come on, she made an enormous effort to leave the cult of Mormonism only for you to drag her to the cult of feminism.
@@6alcantara...Feminism isn't a cult fam. Equality and respect for everyone, regardless of what's in their pants, should be seen as common logic and basic civil decency. It sucks that women have to fight tooth and nail to gain that respect, only for people like you to try and kick them back down.
@@6alcantara my guy, we are oppsite of a cult.
Pro choice is feminist, and having a choice certainly is not a cult thing, babyboy
“Why would anyone want to live past 8? Why not die before then so that you can go to heaven?” Is absolutely heartbreaking. Your story has reached so deeply for me. I grew up outside of the church, but my parents both grew up in extreme families similar to yours, and later left before I was born. I grew up in Utah, surrounded by Mormonism in every aspect of my life. I had friends who had to hide our friendship because I was a “heathen,” and I had family that tried to essentially kidnap me on Sundays and force me to go to church with them. I’m so thankful my parents left the cult and that I never fell into it. Thank you for sharing your story and experience, you’re an amazingly strong and beautiful soul. You deserve so much good.
I had a similar upbringing. I was "Mormon guy" in my High School in Oregon. My mission was miserable, I was badly mistreated. Then I went to BYU and lasted a year before I withdrew because I hated it.
I'm glad I left the church because my kids don't have to experience all the pointless rules and rituals and mistreatment.
I went to a brand new private Christian college for one semester and hated it and left.
I grew up catholic and converted to Mormon. I know you mean. I grew up with no fun and rules. But when I grew up I didn’t get lost or fall into
To other influences. Now you think it’s regret growing up. You will find out when you face trials. You will survive. Think of this . Special Forces selection. Bunch of bullshit and let you jump hoops. But once you hit the field. You will survive.
Mormonism is a cult and everyone should leave to save their freedom 👍@@thebuddhaofknowledgemichae2486
Hey, fellow Oregonian Exmo, yooo!
@thebuddhaofknowledgemichae2486 which Group?
I had an honor code office experience where I was reported for not being clean shaven enough. At that time I had bad ingrown hairs and folliculitis so I would try and let my skin rest for 2 days in between shaving. Essentially I was told I could get a doctors note (but only from the campus doc) or leave. The campus doc said it wasn’t bad enough for a waiver, so I ended up getting laser hair removal on my own beard so I could stay enrolled. One of my biggest regrets.
my heart goes out to you :(
:(
Why does the church hate beards so much? How many past presidents had incredible beards? I'm sorry you went through this.
But beards are allowed now? I know there's a few in my ward and they're on men I think of as very doctrinaire. Also a few others do Movember
that’s so messed up. i’m sorry this happened to you
Aaahhhh! My youth in the church was the same! The girls were visiting nursing homes, and the boys were going white water river rafting! After a conversation with my bishop/uncle about these injustices, I dropped out of YW's at 16 yrs old... looking back, I can't believe it took me until my 40s to find my way out of the church! Better late than never! I'm so happy on the outside!
Yes! My dad was the scouts leader and I'd leave a yw a bit early to come hangout with them and play games!
We had a field trip for my Catholic school, the boys made mud bricks and got to sign them and do designs on them...the girls sewed, I was pissed.
i wish i was able to yw but my dad won’t let me !!
I grew up Muslim and deconstructed. This gave me chills how similar the themes of our lives are. It's been very long since I left the faith but it defined so much of my early life, I still struggle with the aftermath of living life entirely based on doing the so-called right thing and never bringing yourself into the equation. Thank you so much for sharing Alyssa.
I hope you're safe, being an ex muslim tends to have a high fatality rate.
I was just about to comment this lol. Hey, fellow ex-Moose.
It's gross how the prophet married a 9 year girl
Tell me more about it, now I feel scared tbh hehe, I will get married to an Indian Muslim
oh yeah for sure, Mormonism is basically Islam but for Americans
As a behavioral health therapist, I want to encourage you to challenge that self-talk of “not being strong enough” because your depression flared and you had panic attacks while teaching. You were clearly in an environment where you were being harassed, not supported properly, and doing something which did not align with you. That is all incredibly stressful! Especially when you are doing it 5 days a week for weeks on end. Strength is not doing something without effort or struggle. Strength is continuing to push through while struggling. Strength is trying your best even in a terrible situation. Strength is having the bravery to question deeply held beliefs despite the possible negative consequences. Strength is being willing to be honest with your husband about not wanting to keep going to church. You struggled, you suffered, but you also survived and took some hard steps towards a better life. That is something to be very proud of. The increased depression, anxiety, and panic attacks were signals that something in your life was wrong, not that you were weak.
This was very kind of you to say ❤
💯
I know this message was for her but I felt this message too.
This is definitely something I also needed to hear. Thank you! ❤
❤Thank you so much 🤗
Good for this lady for speaking up against this legally abusive culture
The first 8 to 9 minutes are so sad, no child should have to go through that.
True, but so many of us did. I walked around with my shoulders up to my ears so afraid of temptation. After all, angels above us are silent notes taking.
My sisters did
I don't see or hear nothing in this story but complain
I don't like going
But everything I was thought 🤔
I did like, singing ,the family night on Mondays,going to visit people and talk to them about the Gospel made me happy cuz i seen the people that converted and get baptized I see the change they did better in life they leave the drinking and living that life and turn to God to be faithful members and turn there life around
That was good
@@DancingQueenie I was never afraid of temptation
Never thought of that, (temptation)
If it did, I guess I processed it and leave it behind if I did comited a sin by acting up on whatever the sin was
I didn't think of it, now I do
Im no saint but I do say that the church LDS help me b who I am now
I have a big heart I help everybody always doing good to my fellow men
I know a lot of people that express about LDS like if it was something bad
Went is not
I do love the way my parents brought me up,and I thank them
For such a pleasure...
Yo se qu vive mi senor Consuelo es poder saverlo. I don't know I don't mean to offend anybody,but go burn that energy u feel for the LDS at the gym,go out running
Go do all the things u wanted to do that didn't do and don't tell
Just enjoy it and 🤫 just don't get lost😘
💟💛💕I got love for u
So beautiful lady you are Mamacita 😍🥰😘
@@user-landoParada Thank you my friend. You do have a big sweet heart! Vaya con dios.
I grew up as a Salt Lake City Mormon. The bullying is RELENTLESS. I was bullied horribly by the wards “favorite” boy. People would bear their testimonies about how Christlike and perfect this kid was. The same kid driving me into depression. The first crack in my (admittedly weak) testimony was seeing this awful person passing the sacrament every week. I knew he wasn’t worthy according to the church.
I went to church every week until I moved out of the home to live with my non Mormon husband. Funny enough, we fled to Denver! Your story has helped me process all of that religious trauma that I’ve buried deep down for years.
I’m really glad I never went through the temple, and I see my family in a different light knowing what happens in there. They go every month to do endowments!! My dad has always taught me about critical thinking. Oh, the irony!
P😊😊¹
such a shame you didn't get to experience the temple. its the absolute best thing about being lds.
@@princessadorayoure on the wrong side of the internet girl im sorry.............
We're also very glad you didn't sully the temple with your presence.
@@JohnDLee-im4loproving eeeeeeeeeeeeeveryones points in this comments section lol. youre embarrassing yourself.
Ngl hearing your story about baring your testimony to a women's group lowkey dunking on Joseph Smith in public is so freaking awesome. What a flipping mic drop. I know it wasn't a positive experience for you but your bravery girl. I love you for it ❤
Dear Alyssa, I have watched your videos since you started RUclips. You have a wonderful skill of story telling and engaging the listener. I am not Mormon and have frankly never had any interest in mormonism, but your ability to engage the listener is amazing. Your father was right that you were meant to be a teacher - just no the type of teacher you thought at the time!!
Such a thoughtful comment. Thank you for watching, it means so much 💜
@@alyssadgrenfell Hi I i’ve also never been a member of the church but I’ll take pride in learning new perspectives of the world because I love hearing people and their stories, so keep doing you,girl! You’re doing an amazing job and I,A random Internet Stranger,is very very proud of you!
I agree, the videos are very compellin
I agree too, I am a non religious who enjoys listening to her life stories. It gives a peek into a world that is very different from mine.
I think the previous writer may have a point. I kind of think that you have a talent for conveying information to people. A teacher? Maybe. A speaker of some kind? I also think that is possible.
I am still technically an active member, but I have been pushing myself away from the church for about 3 years now, I am currently 18 turning 19 and still living with my parents, the hardest part about leaving is my dad is currently my bishop and my entire family is incredibly devout and active. While I am stuck going to church (I do not have enough money to move out) I appreciate your videos as they allow me to realize I am not alone. While I am stuck with this right now, your videos have helped me cement my choice of leaving when I can
i hope that whenever you leave, your life is filled with happiness, freedom, and joy
I was in a similar situation. I am now older and happily living my own life and I rarely think about the church. Hold fast dude, you’re nearly out of there.
I’m in a very similar situation, it’s such a sickening feeling to constantly lie abt what I believe in fear of being scolded or ostracized or even lose people who are close to me
I’ve met a few run off Mormons in the military.
Find a recruiter and join up. They will take you away from the cult.
I hope that when you do take the last step away, those whom you love the most and are most connected with will eventually understand and be reconciled to your choice, and that you will find persons to be friends with who will become your family of choice that will help you become strong in your new life. I believe you know what is best for you, and that your choices will be rewarding for you.
I grew up Baptist, not Mormon... but so much of your story you shared here hits really close to home with me.
I grew Baptist too, and it’s insalubrious
All the victim thinking, all the manipulation, all the psychological terror, all the hypocrisy
And I feel like the Baptist Church doesn’t make sense, bc it loose itself in their own beliefs, I was taught that pre-destination was real, but at the same time you can still make your own choices and save yourself???
Same here, except Pentecostal. It's all the same manipulation and control garbage.
Girl. Don’t EVER say that you wish you were stronger for feeling suicidal. Ever. That is NOT a strength issue. You know that. You would never tell a suicidal person that they just need to be stronger, why would you talk down on yourself like that. You need to honor that version of yourself, she WAS strong. And SHE made YOU strong.
Well put!!
That's a very good way to look at things: Think of what you would say to somebody else who told you about a similar situation. Then say it to yourself.
Unfortunately a lot of people *would* say that to a suicidal person. After I was hospitalized for the first time for suicidal ideation, both my sister and my best friend responded with anger.
The racism in the Mormon church and at BYU was incredible to me once I started paying attention to it. It was another reason I left BYU
It's what my husband's mother preaches. I don't want to convert. He thinks it's God's will through him to bring me back.
@@fern1285they do misions, they often go to 3rd world countries trying to take advantage of the poverty & lack of education of specific places. That’s how they got to Argentina too, but we don’t fuck w religion like that lol. So we don’t see them at all anymore
@@keim1234acá los rajamos a patadas
@@keim1234yeah i had a childhood friend whose mission was in nicaragua and it very much seemed like taking advantage of people... giving people in horrible situations aid IF they agreed to be baptized. it'd be one thing if they just had to go to church and listen to some sermons but it's disgusting to learn about how much the church pressures their members to tithe, even the poorest members.
@@BarbieDoll-ib7ws
I don't understand. Convert from what to what?
“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”
― Epicurus
He is able but doesnt always prevent it. We cant see the reasons why right now but he will reveal it in the end. He gave us free choice to do and be what we choose. God can see what the whole story is even though we can't
@@michelleleget1785agree
@@michelleleget1785Same old bs. No one believes this shit anymore
@@michelleleget1785
That's option #2. They are able but not willing. Otherwise, why would a benevolent god let evil still exist?
Perhaps to test us, both individually and as a culture.
Your experience of being excluded by the other Mormon girls is very similar to what many of us nonmembers experience living in predominantly Mormon areas. Nonmembers who are born and raised in Utah and southern Idaho don’t see Mormons as generally kind and loving, but arrogant bullies.
some are arrogant bullies (but you get those in all walks of life)
@@princessadoraoh...but nothing like living under the arrogant, self rightous mormons.
I grew up in southeast Idaho. I am not a Mormon. I don’t remember getting bullied; but I do remember being ignored. Which is worse in someways. I had a few friends though, which was good.
I agree with you. I was bullied at my church as I was a bit shy and came from an abusive background. I was also a bit shorter than the other kids.
@@WatchingwaitingG2D who lied?
Absolutely agree that we were solely trained to be mothers. I remember one time at moroni's quest, (for those who don't know, it's a youth camp where you reinact the book of mormon) we reinacted the scene when the young men go to war. We (the teenage girls) acted as the mothers of our male peers while they got to fight with fake swords. We weren't allowed to join. We just sat and watched. There was never a moment where the boys had to sit back while the girls had fun.
I went with a friend to a Mormon Girl's Camp and remember being shocked that we had a whole afternoon presentation about preparing to be good mothers with girls as young as 12 there. I was also upset we were out in the wilderness and instead of hiking or learning outdoor skills, we were inside crafting religious wall plaques.
@justkeepswimmin you totally just summed up my entire "young womens" experience. Me and my brother were in the youth group at the same time, and when we got home, he would tell me all the fun stuff he did (making fires, archery, basketball, hiking, axe throwing) and I would be like "we made paper hearts, and friendship bracelets." I'm an adult now, but it still makes me upset, haha
I have spent YEARS trying to heal from this “training.” 😢
It's also messed up that you were the same age as these boys but encouraged to act like their mothers. Really grooming you to be a mommy-maid-wife to them later so that they would never have to do the most basic household task.
the fact that they had lessons on how to do your hair or assemble an outfit is also absolutely crazy. like this is supposed to be church not ANTM 😭😭😭
Bless your heart Alyssa!! I left my church back in 1988. I wish I’d had your voice in my ear at that time!
I have NEVER regretted my decision to leave and I’m proud to have raised ethical humanities without any faith at all!💕
Omg girl when you said that if you disagreed you felt you were the bad one, I felt that in my core. I grew up feeling that exact same way
Yep
I’m wasn’t Mormon but a different Christian sect, and man I felt the same way. I still struggle to trust my own intuition and feelings.
@@alinapritchett9276 yeah same honestly. I’m still working through so much religious trauma, guilt, and shame. I wish you luck on your healing journey 💕
... and that's the way it supposed to work.
It's designed to do exactly that. If they can load you down with enough shame and confusion, they know they can get money out of you for the rest of your life.
Your channel is only a few months old, and you already have 120K subs. and a huge percentage of COMMENTS and Likes. This is a WOW Success story happening in real time, and I am so stinkin' proud of you for speaking out!
Thank you for this. I am gay, and just started coming to terms with that over a year ago. I still have a lot of self-loathing, and coming out to my parents was interesting because my dad is really supportive with whatever I do, but my mom has been having a hard time with it. She has access to my patriarchal blessing I got when I was 16, and it says in it that I will marry a woman in the temple. She recently called me and told me she received a revelation in the temple that my homosexuality was only a temporary thing and that I will be able to marry a woman. I broke down crying, and she didn’t understand why that hurt so much. I’ve gone through so much mentally and emotionally, going to church and then not going for months. It’s so exhausting to be surrounded by members who have no idea what it’s like being told that God doesn’t want you to be who you are, and that if you “act on your feelings” you are cutting yourself off from your family eternally. Anyway, if “Mormon Heaven” is real, I really don’t want to have anything to do with that😅
I'm so sorry for what you have to go through and not having the support of both of your parents. Glad your dad is with you
The "revelations" of your mum and Alyssa (getting on a mission to Italy) are if course nothing more than their own strong wishes.
You take good care of yourself please! ❤
I'm really sorry about that :( I think I'm bisexual, have since I was 14, but I won't ever come out to my parents because I just simply know they won't be supportive. They make homophobic comments all the time and even say slurs. It's something they'd disown me over, especially since that would then imply I don't believe in the church, another disownable offense to them. I still live at home despite being an adult, and I just can't move out right now, our housing market is insane, dumpy little homes are going for nearly half a million USD in my area and as I have lived here my own life, I'm too scared to leave. I know several others who have come out to their Mormon families and things haven't gone well, so I'm very sad for you and everyone else living like that. I hope someday you will be happy, you deserve it and you're fine just as you are. If God exists, he doesn't make mistakes and makes everyone as they're intended to be, straight or otherwise, because he likes variety. At least, that's what I believe God would be like assuming he exists as I no longer believe in God myself.
Also agree with you about "Mormon Heaven", I definitely do not believe I would ever feel comfortable there and don't want anything to do with it.
My brief experience as an LDS convert made me live in constant fear of displeasing God. I was extremely paranoid in a very unhealthy way. I'll never forget a few weeks after joining the church, and I met up with a friend to work out. I so worried all of a sudden that my athletic shorts were too short. And my friend said something I should have listened to at the time, "When a religion makes you feel this self conscious about wearing perfectly appropriate shorts to exercise in, there's a huge problem."
I wish I had listened.
@@WatchingwaitingG2DWhat?
@@radicalpaprika1720hes in the replies of literally every comment saying they had a negative experience w the church claiming those ppl are liars paid by god-haters. its obsessive, hes still replying to 5 day old comments. genuinely, do not engage. i do not say this as an insult but as someone who is close to someone w schizophrenia, this is unwell behavior that reminds me of obsessive delusions. hell reply to both of us now w some big spiel ab how we r lying and god hates us, watch lol
Why can't you do what feels right for you? Wear what you want when you want
Hindsight is always 20/20. When you're in the moment it's harder to realize that what they're saying is true. You know now, and that's what matters
@@WatchingwaitingG2Dbuddy if you’re not comfortable enough with your religion to hear bad stories about it and are calling people liars instead then there’s an issue. Just accept that not everyone’s experience is sunshine and roses, and if that bothers you then maybe think about your beliefs or something.
Suicidal thoughts are not a marker that you're not strong. The fact that you're still here to tell your story is a testament to your strength.
I left 23 years ago, removed my name 7 years ago. The guilt shame spiral hits me still almost daily, but I am getting stronger. Glad I found your channel
Ironically, you ended up being a phenomenal teacher, just not in the way your father expected. You have a real way of explaining your experiences and telling stories in a way thats completely engaging and fascinating all the way through. You don't need to be a "teacher" of just kids to be able to pass on information to an audience so effectively. Phenomenal video as per usual
Well said. Alyssa needs to teach those who respect her, who want to learn, who want to listen. We are here for you, lady. Great job on being yourself! You are very brave.
I met a lot of missionaries. One of them I fell in love with and I knew he had strong feelings for me. He finished his mission, said he was going to come back to marry me but never did. 6 years later he came to my parents home divorced, ex Mormon and asking me to date him. I was married and happy. So happy watching this video that he didn’t come back. PS I am biracial.
I stumbled across your videos almost 20 years after leaving the church. Listening to you and mormon stories has been so cathartic and I'm able to look at myself with fresh eyes. I underestimated the effect the conditioning you go through as a mormon girl has even now. Its been great to unpack it and examine myself with fresh eyes. Definitely will buy your book. Thank you 🩷
My mother was born into a Mormon family on a large farm in southern Alberta, however she married my Lutheran father during WWII. After my father returned after the war they moved to the east where he was from, and there were very few Mormons. After a couple of years she just stopped being a Mormon - no drama. So fortunately when I was born I wasn’t exposed to Mormonism. I became aware that she was a former Mormon when I was around 12. I was amazed that she could have believed any of this stuff. She was a really wonderful mother, everyone loved her. She was kind and considerate and had a lot of common sense. She limited her family to 2 children, never smoked, but drank coffee and a little wine. Her 9 siblings (7 boys and 2 other girls) are all super-Mormons. I have 53 first cousins on her side of my family whereas I have one first cousin on my father’s side. She was devoted to my Dad who died in 2009. Mother died last year just 3 months shy of her 100th birthday. I miss her every day. I think that her Mormon upbringing gave her an innate decency and ethical character, but I’m glad I wasn’t raised in that cult.
In other words, a Mormon upbringing produces "innate decency" and "ethical character", "kind and considerate", "common sense", etc. But you're glad not to be a part of it. Hmmmm
@@JohnDLee-im4loyou are responding to everyone’s comments on this video. struggling with your testimony friend? go and find some time to spread the gospel instead of arguing online.
@@britt7345 Just observing your amusing cognitive dissonance from a distance...Good Fruit=Good Tree...just sayin'...BTW, Im not your friend.
@@JohnDLee-im4lo bc it’s a cult 👍
@@JohnDLee-im4lo also it’s really funny how you act all righteous but ur going against ur church by being on RUclips rn
In High-school I had a Mormon friend who invited me to join him every week. I did with no intentions in joining the church and had been an atheist for a few years.
One thing that stuck with me was this little interaction. Me and the guys went into the gym-area of their church, but all the girls were led off somewhere else. So I asked, "why aren't they joining in the fun?" And it led somehow to the group leader dude saying "oh girls don't want to join and wouldn't like it." Which was complete nonsense because the church I went to... girls played with guys, loved playing basketball and all that good stuff. I doubt he really listened to what I said and just assumed those girls were like fallen or something.
That was the last time I was invited.
my dad randomly converted to mormonism when i was in middle school and he used to drag me to church sometimes. it shocked me as a 12 year old girl to be split up from my dad for 2 out of the 3 hours into a room filled with other girls being taught that we had to obey our future husbands and develop motherly traits. like... what husbands? what motherhood? we were TWELVE... i wonder if the boys got fed nonsense about how they have to listen to their future wives or work hard on developing fatherly traits, or if they had the privilege to be focused on who they are as individuals. it left a sick taste in my mouth even then because i was very aware of sexism from a young age and i felt so much anger and self hate because of it
That sounds about right ... NO questions allowed!
@@eri020
Yep, obey, obey, obey.
Obey your father.
Obey your husband.
Obey all priesthood holders (which is really all mormon men).
Never make a decision of your own.
All decisions regarding your life must be made by a priesthood holder.
In other words "Not by you."
I was involved with the Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts for decades. When Scouting admitted girls to membership, that's when I quit.
My experience is that boys and girls have different interests and abilities.
Any time you mix boys and girls together in activities you have to make compromises and choices about whose interests will be served, and whose interests will be second.
In Scouting there have always been Girl Scouts, and that has almost entirely been led by adult women. They have considerable freedom to decide on what kind of program the girls in their groups will have.
In Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts, the emphasis was on values and activities that boys were interested in. That was often based on some kind of competition to spark interest among boys.
But put boys and girls together and you will have MOTHERS who think that their precious daughters should have a program tailored to the special needs and interests of girls. If that means that such program don't have much appeal to boys, TOUGH! Girls rule is the attitude.
Girl Scouts had the reputation of being a second rate program compared to Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts. I suspect that's because men and fathers were discouraged from being leaders in the program and bringing the experience in camping and the outdoors that men commonly have and women usually do not.
Young boys of Cub Scout age commonly do not want to associate with girls. Now girls are foisted upon them in Scouting and they can say nothing about their objections to that. Their opportunities to learn to be boys and men is compromised.
And older male Scouts are bound to be sexually active among young female Scouts on camping trips and such. There really nothing that is going to prevent that.
So once again feminists have penetrated the world of boys and men and forced girls and women into that environment, much to the harm of boys and men.
@@SeattlePioneer Bro, go take your Donepezil and a blunt. Chill old weirdo.
Thanks for sharing.
Also baptized at 8, except religion never made any sense to me. Magic man in the sky and magic books always seemed unreal/unserious. At 14 my mom gave me a choice, she’d no longer force me to attend. That was the last time I stepped foot in a church. 20+ years later it makes as much sense today as it did as a child. Zero sense.
Listening to you reminds me of my childhood, and my mother (who also attended BYU).
Respect
Hi, am not Mormon but an active Christian but I love watching your videos as they make me think about what’s God and what’s man
Thank you for watching!
😅hint* it's all man. Every religion is a cult.
It's made me think a lot about the certainty that if you pray and are led by and rely on God, you CAN'T do wrong or make mistakes. When history makes it very clear that... yes we can. Christians (and people of all religions) have done horrible things under the banner of heaven. We need to be a whole lot more humble about how we move through the world.
I am Catholic ( born in a Catholic family and adopted and raised by a Catholic family) and this video made me realize the importance of stopping to be honest with myself and assess what i really believe vs what i was taught to believe. All religions become culty by the sheer group pressure to not question the doctrine. If you do not honestly question everything, there is no free will.
God was created by man too so really it's all man
I'd rather have questions that can't be answered than have answers that can't be questioned.
Yes!!!
ONE HUNDRED PERCENT!!!!!!!
Religion be like: God loves you unconditionally, but if you do something sinful you will go to hell.
Reality and actual logic be like: how THE FECK does that make any sense. If god's love was truly unconditional, there wouldn't even be a hell and everyone would just go to heaven regardless of what you do.
@@LovecraftianGodsKiller Exactly!! Either god invented evil himself or is NOT all powerful... it can't be both true that he's all powerful but didn't invent evil. Cool your following the creator of evil? Religion is literally like "god is all powerful! god didn't create evil! but god IS all powerful... but he TOTALLY DID NOT create evil!" -_-
As an attempt survivor, PLEASE never see yourself as not being strong enough at the time. Ideation and desire for it comes from a DEEP and very DARK place where you were "strong for too long" -- and surviving a cult IS STRENGTH, Alyssa ❤❤ mine stemmed from parental neglect and abuse, I'm not afraid to say it anymore. After some time, I REALLY hope you see yourself in the bright light we all do. You're beautiful, STRONG AS HELL both spiritually and physically, a very intelligent woman, and so very loved.
To anyone reading this: YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE. I PROMISE!!! Like I said, I survived an attempt. I'm open to chat with any of you, if you need it, or give you supporting words. We are in a HORRID time in this country, we need villages for more than just children. ❤
One of my closest friends is ex-mo. The stories they’ve shared about their life growing up Mormon are at once baffling and honestly heartbreaking. I have another friend (we’re all physically disabled & use wheelchairs) was told by someone in the church that she hadn’t been healed from her spinal cord injury that she had at 4 years old because she hadn’t prayed hard enough or hadn’t done enough to be healed, and that just really fucks me up & I’m not even close to being in her shoes. The fact that someone can, with a straight face (if any faith), say that to someone, completely disregarding their trauma, is disgusting to me. I’m so glad you’re in a place that you can see your value as a human outside of what you were taught as a child.
The mental gymnastics that your parents and the church put you through is wild. So heartbreaking to hear your experience of school. You couldn’t win, whatever you did! Your parents made normal ‘growing up’ things into a crime, and I hate that.
Thank you for being so brave to share your story in such an in depth way!
You are very brave to leave the cult of Mormonism it's one thing to leave a cult when you joined as an adult but you didn't convert to Mormonism you were born into it so it must have been so very difficult for you, respect to you for getting out of it, I hope your happy in life ❤ xxx
I am finding your videos very interesting as someone quite removed from religion. Thank you for sharing, you don't try to skew people's opinion and i appreciate it
she gives false and/or incomplete information
@@princessadora Where?
@@yveltalseashe doesnt, this is one of the 4 accts that leaves hate under a bunch of the positive comments on her videos to try to claim shes being paid by god-haters to badmouth the church. do not engage lol
@@whalesharks nah don't worry, I just wanted them to answer what part was a lie, because it's obvious that all of it is true. Of course, they can't come up with anything that isn't true in the video, which is why they cant respond lmao.
I love how you and your husband grew together. I’m a little envious of the way your love has encouraged both of you to change and push forward. I wish my own marriage had worked out like that, but the dogma we needed to break wasn’t religious. We had already left religion before we met each other. I love all your uploads, thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing your story. 💖
The whole idea that I can literally choose to do WHATEVER I want with my life after leaving the church… honestly it was so healing. I was so afraid to leave and was so afraid of the consequences of that. But I totally agree, leaving the church was the most freeing thing I could have ever done.
I love how you articulated the manufacturing of guilt and then providing the antidote for the guilt they introduced into your life in the first place. One of the first things I felt lift from my shoulders when leaving the Mormon church was guilt I never should have felt, and it’s also the most lasting and hard to release 17 years later.
I’ve never been Mormon, however I was Pentecostal for 12 yrs. I’ve recently left the church. I enjoy hearing your story.
Former Pentecostal here. I still believe in God, I just don't believe in the church.
I didn't grow up Mormon, but so much of this resonates with leaving Catholicism.
There's that long period of wondering whether your own feelings are right or if you're just sinful. At the end of the process you feel like you've lost not only eternal life in heaven, but also the reassurance of having a caring god to watch over you. That's already a crushing experience, but the risk of losing friends and family makes it very isolating as well.
I was baptized in the Mormon church as an 8 yr old but soon after, my little brother passed away and my parents strayed from the church. My mom was always sad I think that she left, saying she had blind faith. They were sealed in the church but I never really knew what that meant until now. I still struggle to understand how they believed in Joseph Smith and his teachings. Thank you for letting me finally know what goes on behind closed doors. You are brave, beautiful and strong.
I'm just at the part where you're talking about being "perfect" before turning 8 and wishing to die before then to have a perfect soul... as someone with a very catholic upbringing it is so healing to hear other people describe the same thoughts I used to have
Wow. Sorry your experience growing up Catholic made you feel that way. When taught/and shared correctly, Catholicism is beautiful and full of forgiveness.
@@texasgal4732 It actually was taught/shared to me "correctly" trust me. Traditional roman catholic family going to Latin mass every Sunday covering our hair with veils is as "correct" as it gets in the church. The sermons every Sunday were "correct" according to teachings, the way we were raised in the home were exactly according to the ten commandments. I know all about the beauty and forgiveness, beauty and forgiveness were everywhere growing up. the only thing, what does a young child need to be forgiven for? Why was I raised being told that my soul had a black stain on it before I ever had the chance to take my first breath? Why was I to repent to an old man in a small dark box and tell him about my sexual encounters before I ever told my best friend? Why did a small child need "forgiveness", to be saved? Forgiveness and beauty were not without an intense and overwhelming culture of shame and ugliness. All I needed to be saved from was the church. Weeping and gnashing of teeth, eternal hellfire, all encompassing darkness and pain- my greatest fear since before I can remember. Children do not deserve that.
I share this feeling, same here. I’m glad I no longer believe anymore, you’re not alone in this 🫂
The last section of your video really spoke to me - living according to what was right and true to you instead of what's been pushed on or dictated to you. I haven't had an experience like yours, but that was so helpful in thinking about what parts of my life I've lived based on other people's expectations, instead of charting my own path. Thank you for sharing this.
As someone who has never even met a Mormon, I have fallen down the ex Mormon rabbit hole and it’s insanely interesting. Many similarities to my experiences of evangelical Christianity, but no where near as deep. Keep up the great work and putting this content out
Yes. Evangelicals have purity tests (more pure, closer to God), in group out group, norms. Every group has a hierarchy too. Some people are more holy, better Christians etc. This even goes to following rules in American life! I'm a good person, since I'm vaccinated, i vote democrat, support Ukraine. Very hard to make a real identity with all that pressure, but it never really stops. Its a bit of an effort to form your own ideas and not be a follower.
religious trauma is a horror story.
I wasn't a church going kid but my best friend was, and he told me in no uncertain terms that because I wasn't baptised I would forever burn in hell.
That is so damaging to a child.
I thought Mormons didn’t believe in Hell
The arrogance of Christianity is indeed truly stunning. Appalling, but stunning nevertheless.
They believe in 3 kingdoms, of differing glory, and “outer-darkness(which is hell). The 3 kingdoms are celestial, terrestrial, and telestial. Only the best Mormons go to celestial. Goodish people go to terrestrial, and bad people go to telestial. I was taught that those who denied god despite knowing of his existence were reserved for outer darkness. This scared me and made me question how much I wanted to know about the church, because once that ignorance was gone, if I questioned it or said no, I was going to outer darkness. Super healthy philosophy. But hey, they’re forward thinkers for the three kingdoms let me tell ya!
@@GrandmaKnightLife "I thought Mormons didn’t believe in Hell"
He didn't say the other kid was mormon.
I have a similar story 😕 When I was little, the girl who lived across the street from us quickly became my friend but when I said 'damn it' after hurting myself, she looked me dead in the eyes and told me I was going to burn in hell... Religion is so fking ridiculous.
My husband’s family came over on the Mormon trail. A story he told me of his childhood is right before he was baptized at 8. He knew he’d be ‘washed cleaned’ of his sin, so he hid behind the couch and said “fuck, fuck, fuck”. His parents heard and instead he had his mouth washed out with soap.
I know this is traumatic but I couldn't help but laugh, he was such an innocent and creative kid!
LOL! That is so funny! Except the mouthwashing part.
I guess the blood of Jesus isn't as good as soap for washing away your fucks.
What this tells me is the LDS, like many faiths, refuses to recognize “Behind the Couch” as the neutral zone every kid knows it to be.
This makes it clear why its 8yo and no older lol. The older you get the worse the "sins" you are able to commit.
I remember being encouraged/forced to attend BYU-I as my parents decided they would only assist me with payments if I decided to go to a church school despite how I felt about them. Due to feeling ostracized and not really relating to the people there, as my ideas were already not in alliance with the church on issues such as LGBT, diversity and race issues, I fell into depression and stopped leaving my room except to go to the restroom and to eat. I remember the one thing I was looking forward to was my GF at the time coming to see me and because of the fact that she couldn’t stay in the dorm we decided to stay in a hotel. A few weeks later I got a call from the honors office, which I assumed was for my attendance issues, as they didn’t notify me of the reason before I showed up and when I did I ended up being yelled at, questioned as to what I was doing at the school, told I was wasting church resources as well as being asked disgusting and unnecessarily questioning such as if I had sex and how many times it happened that night. To make it worse it was during thanksgiving break, where I was alone in my dorm with no support around me, not even roommates. I just remember laying in my room crying for hours as I was so worried I had disappointed my parents as well as the overwhelming stress as to what I was going to do as I was to be off the premises 42 hours from this happening. I was treated like I was the worst person on campus by someone who had no idea of my character or what was going on with my mental health at the time and I can only imagine what the harm this approach has caused, especially to people who have issues with suicidal ideation.
How did they know u had gone to a hotel that is so creepy. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
i'm so sorry. i hope you're able to heal even if it takes a long time
I went there too (same deal with my parents, we didn’t even talk about other colleges) and wanted to end my life every day. I didn’t relate to anyone, and I had my own tangle with the honor code office because my mother called them on me. I feel validated reading your story.
Wow I’m so sorry you went through that, I have anxiety just from reading that
Don't you think the school is ENTITLED to make such rules? I'm sure you knew about them in advance, yet you chose to break them.
You made a mistake by going to BYU in the first place, I'd say.
What was your experience about sexuality at other colleges or universities that you attended later? Did girlfriends routinely spend the night with college boyfriends? Did men and women share common dorms and adjacent dorm rooms perhaps? Do you suppose that such practices, along with a lot of alcohol and drug use, caused sexual assaults to take place that would not have taken place at BYU?
To me it's interesting when members are uncomfortable with those of us who have left sharing our stories, saying that we're negative or "can't leave it alone". However, it's clear that growing up in the church was an enormous part of your life that has influenced who you are; it's a part of your history, so of course you can talk about it. I like the idea of breaking this culture of silence we grew up in, where you're only allowed to share your thoughts, feelings and experiences as long as they align with the teachings of the church. I say this also because my dad would often complain about exmos talking about the church, but now that I'm one, I don't feel that I should be banned from talking about my experiences, especially after I put so much time into the church and it's such a part of my history and life experience.
Exactly. That saying is designed to shut people up. They want us to just go away and don't talk about.
Exactly this! Now whenever I read a comment about “exmos can’t leave the church alone” I tell them it’s suspicious that they view exmos telling their experience as a threat. Anything that’s true should be able to stand up to criticism. Funny(not really)
@@lwell8016 agreed
@@lifematters687 yeah and its sad right, if we love people as our brothers and sisters we should accept them and their experiences
I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been to grow up in such an environment, but managing to leave and live the life you want is so incredibly commendable. So proud of you and every ex mormon who has left to lead a better life ❤
I was the first 'gentile' hired by a Mormon family who ran a business. Being referred to as a 'gentile' when I am Jewish, was humorous. Because they liked me, they asked me to read the Book of Mormon - but not as a requirement for being hired. After a month on the job, they invited me to their home for dinner - naturally it was a large family. I was asked if I had read the Book of Mormon. After I replied that I had, and had it on my shelf for books of mythology. I was asked if I would ever consider joining. My answer: A year and a day after I am dead, you will have my name to baptize me. I understand I have a choice; I'll give you my answer then.
I love every aspect of your story!
Thank you for sharing! Your humor really shines through, lol. I am ex Mormon, now a Christian. I still want to know- how exactly does the deceased person give their consent? Do they send a letter from beyond? Seriously though, it's disturbing.
A Jewish person being called gentile is honestly hilarious and I don't think they would even know why😂
Lol, touche'!
The best of all is that they referred to you as a “gentile” there’s enough humor in that alone. ;)
I left the church in my 20’s and struggled a lot with my mental health very seriously. I was blamed and shamed for my issues by my family and every other Mormon I knew who told me that i just needed to come back to church, when in reality I was struggling and suffering because I was sexually abused by a primary teacher in the church as a child and blocked out the memories until my 30’s. I don’t talk to my family any more, and they’re sad for me and think I’m lost. I still struggle to trust myself and my own thinking skills, learning critical thinking slowly, and content like yours keeps me connected to my own heart and sanity. I can’t even tell you how much I appreciate your work. It reminds me that I’m not crazy, I’m not alone, and I’m not just a sinner or lazy learner. Thank you so much for doing what you do.
💙
🫂❤️ digital hugs
You need a one on one relationship with Jesus even right in your room. No need of a church. He can heal you❤
Bless me father for I havenèt been to church in over 40 yrs!
Your content is so beautifully authentic and well thought out! I’m so glad people have you as a resource. Cheering you on!!
Be proud of yourself. For all those that have left be proud of how hard you worked to be free ❤️
I appreciate your videos so much, Alyssa. While I was not raised Mormon, my grandma was very Mormon and my mom left the church sometime after graduating BYU. Watching your videos makes sense of a lot of my childhood as I see how much was still ingrained in my mom and influenced her as a wife and mother, while she was also struggling with getting out of that belief system and “losing her religion”. I can only imagine how helpful it would have been for her to have the resources and perspectives that you provide available to her then. Thank you on behalf of all those questioning and/or leaving their LDS faith and those of us that have been affected by it ❤
I'm not Mormon, but I live in Utah and have done so since coming to the States (from Ukraine) when I was around 7. In third grade, we moved to Bountiful and I met my best friend at the time. She was deaf and had an interpreter because no one could speak ASL. I befriended her through her interpreter but after about a month of that I realized it was very inefficient to communicate that way so I started learning ASL. I got very fluent and we became best friends. I was literally the only kid in school who bothered to learn ASL - to the point that if her interpreter was absent, I'd be called to interpret for her. My friend was super grateful because she's never had anyone go out of their way to learn her language to communicate with her. I just knew how annoying it was to speak through an interpreter, myself (though for me it was Russian-English and vice versa), so I figured I'd invest time in learning. We became inseperable.
That is, until her parents realized I wasn't Mormon. At first, they loved me and were grateful that I learned so much just to interact with their daughter, but the second it came out that I wasn't LDS, her parents forbade her from speaking to me. Imagine - they forbade the only friendship she had where she could speak without an interpreter and could share her feelings with just her friend - all because I wasn't LDS. They even told the interpreter to make sure we weren't allowed to interact at school. The interpreter refused but told them she would. She simply saw how much our friendship meant to her and refused to come between us. I was no longer allowed at their house or to speak over the phone (late 90's and via TTS). I was just baffled because they took away the one thing their daughter was the most grateful for at the time.
I wish I could say we kept in touch, but we weren't able to. Her parents were thrilled when we didn't go to the same Junior High and refused to allow her to come to my house, too. Made me so sad. To forbid a friendship with the only person who went out of their way to learn to communicate with her is wild. I hope she's doing well.
Edit: I'm kinda annoyed at the people who are crying that I'm not being "humble" and am "bragging" about learning ASL. That was the last thing on my mind while I was recounting this story; I was just thinking about the best way to get the importance of our friendship across. Also, yes; this did happen. Billions of people on this planet and this is what you doubt? Come on, guys. I realize it's pointless to try to justify myself, so I'm just gonna add this here and ignore anyone else who feels the need to "call [me] out". Seriously, children. Grow up.
💙
You can always find out what your friend is doing now via the internet. Maybe your friendship could be rekindled.
This is incredibly sad.😢
That's an isolated issue. Most Mormons would not keep you apart. But would have welcomed you. An entire Faith should not be judged because of certain people. You get all kinds in every crowd. But that experience is not typical. Neither is this girls experience.
@@shadowgirl8038 I recognize your reply because I myself have given similar ones when I was still in my high control religion. Every time, it was "this isn't indicative of every [x] member" or something to that extent. And yes, while you're right, because everyone is different. the fact is that the religious teachings absolutely played a part in it. And to just dismiss Alyssa's experience as "atypical" is rather ignorant, as well, because it is far from that. I am in quite a few ex-relgious groups because of my own experience and because I want to learn of others, and most ex-Mormons have a very similar one. Alyssa's experience is legitimate and experienced by many, many people. I also have personal experience with family members who have been, for lack of a better word, "tricked" into becoming baptized into the Mormon faith to up their numbers. Plus, as someone married to a linguist with serious interest in history, I've discovered that in the end it doesn't matter what people say if the entire foundation is built on flawed logic and lies.
But I understand your need and desire to defend it as otherwise. I used to do the same for my own former beliefs.
I hope you have a lovely day (seriously... it sounds sarcastic, but I mean it)!
Some of us never learn the lesson of living your own best life. I am 73 and learning that lesson. I lost my religion for several year but now am finding new motivation and understanding of my faith. I have finally found my own voice and am no so concerned with how others see me. You are a courageous woman and I hope you are able to find peace and contentment and happiness.
Wow. Love this. I was raised in Utah and in the church. I Left the church at 19. This is the most accurate depicition I have ever heard of the Morman experiance. As soon as I finish watching this video I will be going on Amazon to buy your book. Thank you.
I relate so much to your story, just this semester I had to drop out of student teaching in Utah because of the intense anxiety and panic attacks I was experiencing non-stop. I chose this career path because I got the "go ahead" feeling from the "spirit" that it was what I was supposed to do. It was the worse experience. I am so grateful to have found my way out of the church and now being able to truly make my own decisions!
Thanks for sharing this amount of personal experience and being so vulnerable. It’s really opened my eyes to how somebody gets through this experience. Hope more people find your channel!
There is a dizzying number of parallels to my experience with an abusive parent. Especially assuming I must be wrong and they must be right whenever I was faced with contradictions, and doubling down at times when others might be inspired to question or rebel. Thank you for sharing your experience, it makes me feel better about that. As hard as it is to discover and create who you are so late (I’m 32), it’s a relief and a true delight to do so, just like you’ve said.
So true! In both cases the rules are presented as evidence based, where they are entirely made up and fit for only the "leader". It's a belief system presented as truth. In both cases emotional, psychological, physical, sexual and often financial pressure is on to ensure the "willing" participation of others than the leader/parent/boss
In other words: some people are jerks and pressure others to work for them
I have never been mormon, but I did grow up in a heavily catholic family and it was nice to hear about someone else experiencing the freedom and joy of being able to think for themselves and cast of the yoke of control. I saw a lot of parallels between my experience and yours and it has helped me think about where I am in my own journey after breaking away from the church. I love hearing about the journeys of others and to see this channel and book help others to find peace like that. You are sharing something important alyssa, keep it up!
Same. We’re on the same journey.
Me, too. Left in 2010 when the unimaginable scandal broke. I've never looked back. Besides, I was shunned when I got divorced. Shame is shame and guilt is guilt. I feel finally free. 💙
I don't agree with how every little thing in the catholic church is done but there is SO much truth in it and so many intellectuals who were catholic and still are, amazing smart people who studied the Bible and the context..... Christ is the way and the Catholic Cburch follows it the best out of any religion.... the eucharist is what keeps like....I've had my own experiences with the eucharist and other people I know..... there is a movie being made coming soon about the real presence 🙌 maybe check it out....or check out "Surpised by Oxford " I think many people could like it THE BOOK, it's much better than the movie...the author goes into why she became Christian....CS Lewis is alos known as the "reluctant convert" I know people are flaws but God really is who HE says He is
I grew up muslim and made very very similar experiences. I still believe in God but just not in the way that I was taught during my childhood. Too hateful towards too many people. To me believing in God means being led by love and compassion for everyone and using the brain that I was given to think for myself.
The Emmett Till anecdote was awful. Then I remembered some shitty little school in Utah tried to make Black History Month "optional." I don't blame you for quitting teaching.
Wow, this was an incredible and powerful video Alyssa! Watching this reminded me how traumatized I was being born and raised in the church. I too remember thinking I was jealous of people who died before 8 because they didn’t have a chance to sin. In what world should a child think that? I remember lying to the bishop about masturbation as a 12 year old and being tormented with guilt but I knew if I was honest all the boys in church would know I did something bad. No child should have to face such guilt over a natural human experience. I was in the church for 18 years, was a seminary graduate and had many of the same experiences such as being bullied by “righteous” Mormon kids and finding true friendship with people that weren’t believers. I remember feeling so guilty and being so hard on myself over the most trivial thoughts and feelings that I now know are totally normal. I remember too, how hard it was to lose a testimony in something I had told myself over and over was true even thought my doubts increased over time. I remember vividly that night when I was 18 where my father made a joke critical of the church and I told him that I actually thought that was accurate, and it led to a several hour discussion between him and I about how many issues we had with the church and that night we decided to leave and stop believing together and how special and powerful of a bond that was for a father and son to share. I’m so grateful I never had to torture myself with a mission and lie to myself through such strenuous circumstances but even then, it took another 10 years after I left the church to truly feel like I found myself. I knew when I was a child I wanted to pierce my ears but that’s not something a man does in the church, and more broadly, the stereotypical conservative Christian man view, and even though I left at 18, it took me until 28 to overcome the feeling that I’ll be judged for being different but I finally did and I loved it! Now I have 7 piercings, my fiancé is my dream woman and we have a son that will never have to suffer mental anguish at the hands of a cult that seeks to control like I did. To top it all off, I have my secret silly lip tattoo that says “IDGAF!” that brings me so much joy knowing it’s there, it’s considered naughty, and it’s a motto I can truly use to guide my life. I am free and I truly don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks about it, I’ll live my life my way. I’m so glad you found your way to the truth too and it breaks my heart that people are still struggling in the position that we once were in with the truth conflict ingrained beliefs but I know you are the reason that some people will come to see the light and truth and you should be truly proud of yourself for that! Thank you 😊
I find this whole conversation so fascinating. Thank you for sharing. I am so happy for you for believing in yourself and living a life of self expression.
When you first leave the church it feels a lot more serious than it really is, I still love hearing other peoples experiences in the church being a former lds church member myself, extremely fascinating
what an intelligent, engaging and well-spoken woman. listened to every minute with such ease
having s -- cidal thoughts and panic attacks is not a lack of strength or a sign of weakness. it's perfectly understandable for your mental health to suffer under being in a situation that you believed God and your family wanted you to be in, while having a crisis of faith and having to deal with a lack of support. ❤
Your voice does matter! I resonate with all of this so deeply! Healing from mormonism has been such a difficult thing for me. I'm grateful for creators like you who make me feel less alone in the heaviness of it all.
The story about the baptism rings so true to me. I thought I was the only one that felt so much pressure to not sin because that was the one and only time we would be perfect. I had totally forgot about those feelings. Thank you for sharing your story.
Hi! I just recently found your channel. I didn't grow up Mormon, but I did grow up in the Institute of Basic Life Principles cult that was led by Bill Gothard. The similarities between that and so much of Mormonism is....wild! I know I'm just an internet random, but I am proud of you for being able to do the deep dive into examining your beliefs, living more aligned with your authenticity and finding a life on the other side. I know from experience that it is no small task to do!!!
I have a friend who grew up in that. She's almost 60 and she still carries the scars. :(
To use an analogy....when LDS talks about a "Stake" or "Stake of Zion", it's basically like a Catholic "Diocese", and a "Ward" is basically a "Parish."
Oh that’s super helpful as a Catholic watching this video! Thanks!
If you watch enough of the videos on other cult like religions you can find similarities of control in all of them. For instance purgatory a place to go until you have enough candles lifted, masses said, novenas said, you essentially have to be prayed into Heaven. None of this is scripture! Not one single word or practice can get you into Heaven except Jesus Christ shed blood on Calvery. And take the free gift of His sacrifice. One on one. Just look and analyze the differences.
Thanks. That's really helpful
Nothing like Catholicism
@@viridianhughes219 No one said Mormonism was like Catholicism. There's nothing wrong in using analogies to make it easier for people to understand.
As a junior who’s gone to middle and high school in a rural school, I really appreciate you sharing Emmet Till’s story with them. My teachers never did that for us and there’s a severe lack of empathy for others in our school and community. I remember being disturbed by the story in elementary school and showing my friends so they saw what I saw and they all laughed at me for being disturbed by it, which shocks me to this day. I believe Emmet Till should be taught to all teens.
I have just discovered your videos today and i just want to say how much i love that you discribe how most people would react being in your place, but how you felt in those moments. That is a wonderful way of making people understand how it is to get through that stuff. Thank you for opening my eyes!
I can relate with you so much! I’m also an exmormon and kind of ex-teacher too. Classroom management is so incredibly hard these days. Thank you for sharing your story!
Thanks for your videos. I only recently found them. I was never a Mormon, but I wrestled with faith related issues. I remain a Christian but I had a very bad experience with people within a denomination not my faith. My brother at one point was Mormon but he has since left. Your videos help me understand what he left behind. I notice so many ex Mormons or JWs become agnostic or atheist. I can certainly understand and sympathize with you for the emotional reaction to losing your faith. I saw you cry at the end of one video. Glad you left it in. It really drove home what you left behind after being raised in it. I’m glad you are happy now and that your husband has been right at your side as you move forward. Good luck with the channel moving forward. I have learned a lot from you
Hi Alyssa, I left the JW religion, it is very similar to the mormons!
The ending of this video is so beautiful. I can hear the joy in your voice! Thank you for sharing your story.
I am from Montana! I have enjoyed watching your videos and learning to have compassion for those who are on missions, because they are probably in tough situations.
I find all of your videos so fascinating!
I’d also be interested in hearing what it’s like growing up male as a Mormon. What kinds of things are they taught? Is there a similar pressure? What’s boys’ camp like?
I’ll have my husband come on for a future episode to share!
That would be fascinating.
Thank you for sharing your story. You have done the best that you could at each point that you spoke of. We are all on a journey of healing in our own way.
I lived in Utah for the end of my senior year. I was the only black person in all my classes. I also worked for Feature Films for Families. I think this is why I have an obsession with learning about Morman history. Thank you for your story.
Oh dear, the Southern Baptist church I grew up in, you also were encouraged to get Baptistized at 8. Except, I never did. Even tho we had classes to prepare us, we also had to walk down the very long aisle of our large church and publicly profess our faith. I was just too shy to do that and my parents didn't pressure me.
I also grew up SBC and responded to the altar call at 8. There was so much social pressure to go up around that age! If you were 5, that was like some sign of holiness, but if you waited till you were 12, you must have been some sort of hellion. 😂 What are you repenting from at 8?? I was super shy, too, which in and of itself wasn’t ok to be as a Southern Baptist kid. I never fit and I’m so glad I eventually realized I didn’t have to.
@@bengriffin9830Wow, that sounds so messed up! Glad to have grown up in an evangelical environment where it was considered a completely private matter, just something that's between you and God, and without any expectations as to at which age this should happen. Today, I'm not even so sure that you really need a particular conversion experience. It's nowhere in the Bible that it has to be a response to an altar call or something similar. I'm pretty sure a lot of my Lutheran ancestors will be in heaven, too, even though most of them may never have "given their hearts to Jesus" in a conscious way because they never heard of it being necessary. It's so sad that people often reduce faith to their own ideas instead of just being inviting and assisting others on their journey towards God.
Yes. I think it would be a great experience for every Mormon to talk about their religion and ordinances outside of Utah/idaho. And see how the explanations for baptisms for the dead go over. 😮
It’s a good experience for any one of any religion to have conversations and friendships with people of different faiths (and no faith). Instead of only staying isolated with people with think (or believe) the exact same way you do. Great video! ❤
This is the same as a narcissistic relationship that gaslights you into believing that you’re the one who is always wrong. That doesn’t shock me since Joseph Smith showed so many signs of being narcissistic. He even wrote himself into the Bible of all things. I don’t think it gets worse than that.
I am an ex Mormon turned Christian. It actually hurts my heart to see the Gospel I know now, having been distorted to cause such trauma and suffering to others.
As a born and raised member who is exmo now, I relate to this so much. On the outside, I see how crazy it all is and how problematic a lot of the history and doctrine is.
I was raised Catholic and left a long time ago. Left all religions about 25 years ago. A friend of mine was talking about how Scientology was a cult and the crazy stuff they believed. I said that it didn't seem any crazier than what any other religion believed. I realized that every religion has crazy stuff in their doctrine that from the outside it is astounding that anyone believes it, at least to me. Sure, some have a really controlling element-most of them fundamentally but the cult identification it really based on how they treat you when you leave. And somewhat how all encompassing the experience is when you are in it.
@@kirielbranson4843 my parents have been involved with Scientology i find it to be crazy. Unlike you i became a catholic 12yrs ago. Im 34yo now and quite happy about it. Unlike scientology im not pushed around or coerced. I go to Church, do my devotions but no one is looking over my shoulder forcing me to do it or to give money. I help the church projects i agree with because i can and want to.
@@etcwhatever I do think the controlling stuff is part of cults vs accepted mainstream religions. But when listening to a bunch of the deconstructing videos I think some of the mainstream ones are also controlling. Purity culture is a big one.
The Catholic religion will always have a special place in my heart because I grew up with it. Went to a Catholic high school and college. Studied science there and learned about evolution, astronomy, physics and biology and computer science. The religion never felt restrictive. It seemed to have gotten over its growing pains like the inquisition and such. I just stopped believing it.
@@kirielbranson4843 im not american so im not fully sure what the so called purity culture involves. I do think its honorable though to be virgin until marriage. Not out of coercion but out of choice. I was a virgin when i got baptized at 22. And no i didnt got married i was engaged twice 😅 for me living chastely has been the best decision i ever took after my mess ups. Its not easy but i find it peaceful and rewarding. I think its important for people to value their bodies dignity and to not sleep around. If they do though and a younger lady gets pregnant...i think any loving parent should support them in having and raising the child. Many Catholic priests actually say that getting pregnant young isnt a reason to get married to some guy...this is why now children from single mothers can be baptized. Anyone can make mistakes and should still be a part of the catholic community. For me the line needs to be drawn if people are trying to follow the rules or not. Some people like to live in sin and want to change the Church. Im against that. If they dont want to follow the rules to the best of their abilities then they can go somewhere else. No one will shun them socially like the amish or something but they need to go somewhere else instead of promoting heresy.
@@etcwhatever the purity culture in America has caused a lot of trauma for young people. I have even see gay people say they didn't understand they were gay until after they got married and realized they weren't experiencing the miracle of marital bliss. They thought everyone experienced feelings for the same sex because that was just a sin they had to fight against. That once they got married they would be blessed.
It goes further than that and many young people married at 18/19 because that was the only way they could experience even holding hands. Plus women believe they should drop everything and start having children immediately because that is what god wants for them. It is a one size fits all that causes so much shame when young people break any rule - holding hands, kissing, and yes, sex. They are encouraged to confess all this, in some religions, in great detail, to elder men in the community. Then are set apart until deemed "good" again. Many times not thought of as good enough for the "best" mates. The purity culture fosters perfect chastity while limiting information. There are a lot of people who have left their religious organizations who have spoke out about how much it harmed them and set them back.
Whoever decided that children under the age of 8 are perfectly sinless has never met a 3 year old.
Part of sin is intent and understanding consequences. 3 year olds don't really understand consequences. I don't think 8 year olds really do either, I think Mormonism pushes kids to pledge thier lives too early as a method of control.
Your comment is hilarious! Love it ❤
@@moringsdaughterI think they were making a joke rather than being serious, but I agree. 8 year olds don’t really fully understand the consequences of their actions either.
😂😂😂😂😂. I agree. Hahahaha
😂
I have never watched a 1 h and 37 minute long video with just someone talking with this much interrest. It was a very capivating hearing you talk about your life. Thank you!
Congratulations on embracing a more authentic version of yourself.
Thank you for opening up about such significant insights. Although I am not LDS/Mormon, I was previously unaware of the profound internal struggles women experience concerning their group and family identities.
At nearly 50 years old, I am surprised to realize that I had overlooked such an essential aspect of women's experiences, and perhaps of humanity in general. Your willingness to share such deep and personal aspects of your life and journey has been incredibly enlightening. Age doesn't automatically bring wisdom; sadly.
Your experiences, wisdom beyond your age, challenges, jopurney, and resilience are truly enlightening and helpful.
Life is difficult, and being part of a cult certainly doesn't make it any easier.
Please continue to share your journey. Keep being true to yourself. Stay strong.
You are amazing at telling your story- I was raised as Hindu in the US, so very far removed from Mormonism lol. Your podcast got me so interested I had to stop half way through and hunt down the older version of the temple endowment movie you mentioned. I started this at 10 pm last night and I’m still awake watching it on 2x speed finding out what covenant or endowment even meant, really. It’s intense how thoroughly manipulated human psychology can work- you explain it in a way that it is very simple to put myself in your shoes and follow along in the very relatable and logical line of questioning that one would have in different situations like that. It’s way too much of over simplification to just say “oh I wouldn’t have done that” or whatever. Like… yeah. That’s why you’re talking about it. Cuz you probably wouldn’t have done that otherwise…
Can you tell the name of the movie and where you found it?
@@satviksingh1200please!!!
@@satviksingh1200 look up Mormon Temple Endowment Ceremony on yt and you should see a hour long video posted by NewNameNoah!
Look up Mormon Endowment Temple Ceremony posted by NewNameNoah (it’s the one that’s around an hr and 18 min long)
@@oracle1351 thanks
I grew up Catholic, not Mormon, but your videos give me a lot of comfort while dealing with my own religious trauma ❤️
I stumbled upon your videos because I'll be going to Salt Lake City as an university exchange studnet soon and wanted to know more about the cultural differences. As an atheist who grew up christian but never really religious it's so interesting but shocking hearing about other people's live stories and how they often wouldn't even be possible in my country.
SLC is becoming more and more secular in comparison to other parts of the state. Provo, Brigham, and Cache Valley are still very Mormon, and I unfortunately cant promise you wont run into some bigotry.. but I do want to let you know that besides all that bad there are a ton of good things here. You will find some good people to show you around and hang around with! So many different types here, just have to find them!
The University of Utah is nothing like BYU…. I was doing a keg stand and smoking weed literally my first day as a student.
Go Utes !!!!!!