How to STOP Obsessing Over Someone and START Letting Go (Best Relationship Advice)
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- Опубликовано: 2 окт 2024
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Understand that when you’re OVER attached to anything, your results are worse, not better. Especially with love and relationships. This video is for those of you who want to manifest love or relationship into your life.
BIG IDEAS:
1. Most people’s view on “love” or “relationships” is dependent or codependent love
2. Your need for FREEDOM is higher than you’re need for love.
3. Any time you’re not ‘free’ you will grow to resent that person.
4. Therefore the solution to love is to let go more and relax so you can tap into the power of interdependent relationships.
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Was pulling teeth to get my girlfriend to agree to that thumbnail 🤣 - she's like "why would we act like we're mad at each other if we're not!?" Hope you dig this video! I'm not a relationship coach by any means but these are 3 major tips that have helped me over the years! Ready to change your life? It all starts with asking yourself the right questions. Get the 11 questions to change your life now (free gift for yt subs): www.clarkkegley.com/free-questions
Be free of control. The book "30 Days to Stop Giving a Shit" by Corin Devaso is a good read.
I would love to buy your book
Love / Infatuation / obsession/ whatever the fuck you want to call it is much like being pepper sprayed. It will blind you, leave you disoriented, and at times even make respiration difficult. The whole point is to pull yourself together and behave RATIONALLY, as opposed to paying attention to only what you THINK you see, because you're probably going to be wrong at least a good 75 percent of the time. Then you have the whole issue that it is a zero-sum game after all. Tennis Analogy: You can serve the ball, and then return it several times over; but you can never guarantee that the other side will not fault point. Half the problem with romance and relationships is realizing that you can't control other people, nor will you ever be able to fix them.
Oh yes
🤣 I hear her. Lol.
If you don't love you... you'll always be chasing people who don't love you either.
That's really dope, actually if you're familiar with Jessica J I bought into her courses and have a tidbit that aligns perfect with what you say. She has an excersize where you write out exactly how you want your dream girl to treat you. You know, makes sandwiches when you're working outside, gives you massages, snuggles you, whatever. Then the next step of the excersize is to write down all of the ways YOU can satisfy those desires for YOURSELF, because she says that you attract what you feel you are. Same with Neville Goddard's "The feeling is the secret" and the law of attraction.
That's the biggest crock of shit I've ever heard that has absolutely zero backing in psychology. It violates the basic principle of opperant conditioning.
Damn😐
❤️
Dam😔
I totally agree with you. My own experience being obsessed on someone didn't give me any good result. Instead, I became more anxious, overthinking, over analyzed, needy. So now I am working on focusing on myself. It is better to focus on myself, self love, self care, change the story inside me.
This was me on my last relationship and it was not healthy. 2020 was the year I worked on myself and over all started appreciating my own company. These experiences will make you more emotionally mature. I am such a better versions of myself right now and I'm really happy. You'll look back and be thankful you made those mistakes.
Glad I'm not alone
@@anako1976 no, you are not alone. Let's change for the better together.
It would be good if I could actually do stuff, like go to gym, go out and do my hobbies and meet friends, but none of that is possible because of Covid lockdowns, with no end in sight.
Woah that’s exactly me
IF YOU TREAT SOMEONE LIKE A CELEBRITY, THEY WILL TREAT YOU LIKE A FAN.
well said
THIS! What made me get over my ex was “is he famous? Did he give me a million dollars that I HAVE to talk to them? Does he know Beyoncé? Can he get me a free meal in nobu?” And I’m not superficial or money hungry, BUT I can get these things on my own. I have goals, I have a vision of what I want my life to be. He didn’t fit in it. So, this is trueeeee
Gandhi?
And then you'll blow them away?
Right
In a relationship, the person with the least amount of interest has the most control. That realization taught me a lot about learning to let go of what was not going to work out even if it was something that I was putting everything into...
True.
True I think I read that in a PUA book lol
Yessss
I whole heartedly believe this statement. Because awhile back when I was pulling away and doing my own thing my bf was actually the needy one and stuff and now that I’m more interested and wanting more attention I’m always hurting now. It sucks man. Working on getting myself back and just doing me
I definitely agree with this
"Attachment is the root of all suffering"
- Buddha
Facts
Wasnt it desire not attachment?
@@Leon-xp2zb I read ignorance and desire in a book about 20 years ago. There were 10 other things. Point sort of is that desire is somewhat a form of attachment. The "I want" part of us is holding onto the idea of the desire. I was considering this earlier and came to feel apathy as the way to go. To "not care" about what happens and let what happens be what happened. Sort a "Que Sera Sera" or "Wu Wei" attitude toward the experiences of the karma of causality. However, this does get into ignorance being a part of suffering because ignorance isn't not knowing. Ignorance is knowing and ignoring. Nescience is not knowing. However if you are unattached to any outcome than it becomes your choice in how you perceive the experience and whether you suffer or not becomes your own personal choice.
I thought it was money
Yes but unless you are a monk willing to let go everything you shouldn't be trying that shit. Buddha set different rules for monks than other followers knowing that not everyone is ready or willing to let go of all attachment.
"If you're offering something and it's not taken then perhaps you should be offering it somewhere else" - Jordan B. Peterson
I love that quote!
Not a bad quote but any time anyone starts mentioning Peterson that's a red flag lol
❤️❤️
what lecture/interview did he say this in? i love jp's work and would love to view
That is a wonderful quote
I try to just let things be what they are. Worrying about being hurt won’t keep it from happening, it just steals your joy in the moment. You don’t need to worry if they’re going to leave or hurt you, you just need to know that you’ll be okay if they do. Concentrate on what you can control and let go of everything else. If it’s meant for you it won’t need you to hold on so tight
Great way of looking at things. I started doing me, and just letting go and surrendering and being more fluid, stopped overthinking and just let go and detach from the outcome, he started telling me he missed me and asking me to see him. I still am doing me and he is doing him and we are meeting in the middle.
Like "if it's meant to be it will be".
thank you.
Thank you
Thank you
You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.
On the other hand there should be boundaries...For example my ex went on a dating site. I got mad and she dumped me lol
She basically cheated you
Let them be free so you can see who you're truly dating. If they go on dating sites or get close with someone else, you've done your job vetting them. Now walk away and never look back.
Ahhh Coach Corey Wayne lingo!! 👌 Steve def read the book 10-15 times 😂 good job bro, I dig it 👍
@@DavidJasonPerezTV ayoooooo Corey Wayne! 3% Man!
When you are dating and thinking of getting into a relationship with someone, always guard your heart and be willing to walk away from it.
But how?
This. Wish I learned this earlier.
Guard how? Build gates around it?
@@naturallyunbothered8860 I think they mean don't give your heart away to everyone who dont deserve it. I think being vulnerable is important, but at least the way I see it is be willing to date, but dont give everyone all of you that will just end up in heartbreak after heartbreak before the relationship even properly started. There's someone else out there seeing your worth.
Proverbs 4:23
You attract what you are, not what you want.
Powerful words. Focus on yourself and how you can lead your own fulfilling life, and everything else will eventually fall into place.
"freedom is a higher need than love" wow 🤯
666
How profound...✌️🔆🔆🌻🌻🙏🏻🙏🏻
TRUEE!!! my free will is more important than whether or not somebody else loves me truly
Not at all.
@@BG-sq7zf what the fuck lmao
Disney messed up a lot of folks. Thanks for the deep dig conversation.
...and not just Disney. Hollywood in general.
Bollywood movies are no different 😜
I'm starting to believe my child is only going to watch Tom and Jerry :'D
And soap operas 😂
Childhood programming from primary caregivers has done way more damage than any Disney movies.
Subconscious programming and core wounds...that inform our narratives of ourselves, the world, and others, is very impactful.
While Disney, and many other media realms, have influence....they all build on the foundation of attachment developed in childhood.
We’d be resilient against the Disney messages, if our parental attachment was strong, secure. We would carry that throughout, into our relationship to self, to friends and to romantic partners.
its annoying because I know how true all of this is yet I am still obsessed with the idea of co-dependant love
Same. I love when a man like, worships me lol and no matter how hard I try I can’t become interested in healthy style of relationships 🤷🏻♀️
It’s not wrong to want somebody that will be obsessed with you just like will be with them. I’m the type to act that way only if it’s reciprocated.
Amen. Ughh.
I can empathize. My husband told me he's no longer in love with me. He loves me, but I digress. I've been obsessed with getting him to fall in love again but realized that if I remain my true self and just be whatever is meant to be will be. It's hard though, I cry way too much. I am still mourning the love that used to be there between us.✌️✌️✌️
Sadly I can't help but give daily special attention when it's a woman I'm really into. It's caused me dozens of failed opportunities over the years, and I STILL haven't learned my lesson! Ugh. I just want someone to feel the same as I do towards them. I humbly admit, I have a lot to offer.
this is the best relationship advice video on youtube; relationships should only ADD to your life, not feel like a full-time job or be ALL of your life. The best thing you can do for EVERYONE you love is love yourself first, so you're able to sufficiently love them.
I,,, know,,,, who,,,, can,,,, help,,,, you,,,, w,,h,, a,, t,,z,, z,, +1-2-0-4-5-0-0-1-6-6-2
get your ex back or restore someone you love
this comment made me realize that my relationship was like a full-time job and i only noticed now 😮
Yeah, tell that to thousands of years of human history where we lived in tribes and had to rely on other people, which is healthy and natural?
Better yet, to tell a group of primates they're making their relational attachments too important. Stop hugging that monkey!
Attachment and dependence is important and we definitely should be leaning into each other.
This is what i needed. I became too needy lately and i need to work on that. It's mostly coming from my own loneliness and wanting someone to occupy my loneliness. But i shouldn't need someone to occupy my loneliness. I just need to be more comfortable in that loneliness and turn into a comfortable solitude. It's also coming from the fact that im 28 and a lot of people my age are getting married and lovely families. I need to improve on myself and then attract the people i want in my life. Thank you.
I'm in that right now man.
Working on that myself as we speak my friend. Thanks for sharing.
Same here and about 2x your age
Workout and get an sports car lol... Its shallow but
Remember, not everyone in relationships now will stay that way. They may be single at 40 and you'll be the one in a relationship. Life is weird.
If you let go, it comes to you.
Even applicable in Laws of Attraction
Every time it’s came to me so far when I wasn’t looking for anything, it’s been a total train wreck every time that just keeps getting more and more extreme. My last gf believed in that law of attraction stuff too, but she turned out to be the most psychopathic and manipulative out of all of my 5 or 6 experiences
I effing agree. I’ve been obsessed with having a partner for years, and once I stop putting external circumstances on a pedestal, or people (still external) opportunities started showing up, like never ever before.
I don't dare to try... As it leaves a hope, what if he doesn't come back.
@@kristyy2488 The thing of letting go and trusting the universe is.... if he comes back that's okay and if not it's totally fine as well as you ar eon the process of loving yourself more. Don't limit yourself to only one person. Maybe you can attract someone better.
Depends on a context, if they weren’t sure and you weren’t enough the first time. You may not want them the second time. Don’t date people who lacks commitment and can’t be satisfied with simple things.
This is totally me. I met a woman on a dating app and everything was awesome when we texted. Our first date was awesome too. But she is very educated and has alot of life experiences so I felt like I didn't have anything good to say and thought she was too good for me. I am also not good at flirting or very funny over text. Anyway, we went out more but things went slowly downhill until she told me we don't have chemistry. I did chase her and put her on a pedestal and probably sounded needy although she would never say. But my mood during the day was based on how much and what she was texting me. She was all I thought about and my brain froze and I couldn't live in the moment. I cared too much and made it worse.
how did you start not thinking about her (if you dont think about her anymore) and re-direct your thoughts on genuine good stuff?
I have been feeling the same way but with a guy who is ghosting/breadcrumbing me. I want to stop caring but I can’t.
I’m going through the same thing
Im going through exactly the same thing as you, its like my brain has stopped working
I am going through exactly the same thing now😂
"When you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive."
-George Costanza
So true, I only seem to get attention when I act indifferent.
I’m naturally that: Capricorn
Yep but the problem is not caring after a while is only going to destroy things and you can never build something strong and make it last if you don't show interest , it's not really a wise statement at this point
Because people want what they can't have. Simple as that.
Sad but so true..
08:08 This reminds me of the best Love related quote I have ever heard:
„Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction“ - its by Antoine de saint-exupéry the Author of „The Little Prince“ 🥰
Great quote.
Your right dear
This was the best video. I took a break from this guy I was involved with because I was too needy and it would cause me depression. He is emotionally independent. He is affectionate and attentive but not over bearing . He is the healthy kind where as I was not. I had this warped idea of what 'love is' or how a person who likes you would behave without realizing that it was all a lie. The way he treats me is what a relationship should be like. Although we weren't in a relationship so of course that made my neediness even worse because I was afraid to lose him. Anyway, I made the decision to take a break from speaking to him to manage my depression and work on myself. This video really help me understand more of why I am so needy. I definitely mistook that for love. I don't know what love is as ive never experienced healthy love. He definitely loves his freedom. This video helped me realized that I am not okay. I need to fix within. I want to be interdependent. That will be what I work on. Thank you.
You are okay❤️
7 months later and I am healthier ! Wow, what God can do in 7 months!!!! This is a real testimony.
That's great, but it wasn't God it was you. You made yourself better no thing or no body just you
All the Best to and for you, sweetheart.
I hope you’re well!
I was wondering, are you and the guy together? If so, how did you guys work through your neediness and codependency together?
For me, it’s when the other person stops doing what they used to do when they were trying to pursue you once they’ve got you.
for me its ..stop feeling u need me.
u need only urself ..ur inner u/ur higher being is the only thing u can really trust to give everything u need, all the correct answers (for all ur lifetimes)
stop only loving me with conditions attached we need to be n do what we please without restriction. every1 is equal no1 should be dictating ur life, only u! ..freedom is the opposite to enslavement ..never enslave the 1 u love!!
unconditional love it the only way. its the answer to every question, after all.
it is the new earth if u want to shift to a higher vibration
love n light dear1💕 xxx
Is the expectation to keep doing it for the rest of life?
YOOOO say it louder sis 👏🏼👏🏼 that inconsistency is what triggers my anxiety. Like which version are you bro?! I fell for the first guy.
people overall are drawn in all areas towards complacency, the faster people learn this and realize they need to be more present things can change for the better significantly
This
People always over attach because they get their approval from them and their worth is always dependent on other people... It's a mess! And the answer is self-love!
Yup i didn’t tell my ex that she was beautiful everyday. So she said i never assure her like WTF!
The universe brought this to me when I needed it the most! Thank you so much!
Same
God will bring you so much more love, all he needs is your full trust in him and he’ll give you eternal happiness and life🥺❤️
Same here
Same
Same
You sound like a REAL friend trying to snap me back to reality. I needed this! I am prone to being obsessed with a crush or boyfriend. Im here because I want to change for the better. I know that being obsessed is never healthy. I want to just like or love someone CALMLY and not end up being obsessed over them. Thank you my man!!!
I feel the same!!
Hi
The biggest problem is there is too much emphasis on socializing and relationships in this day and age. It's easy to start feeling anxious and needy. You start comparing if you're alone a lot. It's an unhealthy age of overthinking IMO.
The problem with this logic is that once you pull back your attention and devotion in a relationship and really mean it, after some time, you begin to lose attraction to your partner. So, it won't matter if the other person is then compelled to start "chasing" you. You've checked out.
Not at all if they love you or really like you and you're not giving them attention and makes them want it even more you clearly haven't had a relationship not a real one atleast🤣
I've always tried to put up this macho 'i don't care' sort of facade in a relationship due to RUclips videos like this because I've misinterpreted them. I think the basic idea is to be happy by yourself or with the other person. But it's okay to get emotionally attached to them as long as it doesn't become needy and obsessive. There's a middle ground between obsession and disinterest, both of which are unattractive
at that point you’ve detached yourself entirely and don’t want anything to do with them. which is fine. i don’t know. it’s paradoxical. it seems we have to care while letting go
At this point I wish I could check out...
I commented a month ago that I wished I could check out...I'm not there yet but it's like the pack I'm carrying just feels a little lighter these days. Things do get easier.
I manifested my husband and it all started with self love and becoming who I wanted to be. I had to better myself and be truly happy first! ♥️ thank you for your content! It is helping a lot of people
Amarillo trying to figure out manifesting. So, you got your husband back?
@@antilaw9911 I have a few videos on my channel. I manifested my husband as in the relationship with him. I have a step by step video about it.
Thank God🥺❤️❤️I’m happy for you
@@nooranoora702 aww thank you ♥️💕
many of us will be working our whole lives on self love, and undoing the damage of our childhood, that we will never heal enough to know the love of another. Welcome to Earth :(
'' You attract what you are not what you want''. So much wisdom in this short video 😀 thx
What does that exactly mean?
Everyone that I have known that was great at finding a relationship was open and not attached to the outcome. They have boundaries, but don't wear it on their sleeve. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't. If you don't project desires on to others, they cannot disappoint you and failed relationship are less painful. This was a great video!
Thanks Clark. You reminded me that I was in a codependency rather than interdependece, and made realize that freedom is higher than love. Thanks
You singlehandedly gave me the answers I needed to find closure in my failed relationship. Thank you
How you doing now my man?
@@andresmontilla5028 wasted 4 years just the other day bro
@@eviathan8991it’s not a waste brother. Learning experience. Everything happens for a reason just need to find the right angle to view it from
How are you doing today getting nice to see you here I’m I love the video I’m single looking for serious relationship I’m be single for over a good 6 years I don’t see serious relationship I’m looking for relationship if you don’t made I will talk here
This is so accurate, it's kinda scary when you experienced the first two forms of love and you just realized after watching a random vídeo on RUclips.
Thank you for sharing. 🙂 The interdependent relationship sounds wonderful.
I don't agree with the codependency explanation. I am healing from codependency and attachment trauma and I never wanted to hang out with someone 24/7 or texting someone the whole time. Codependency often has its roots in childhood and comes with intense feelings of fear of loss and abandonment. A codependent person has poor or no boundaries, tends to be a people pleaser, lacks self-love and therefore chases for love. Codependency is more than being needy. It's painful and no, it's not attractive.
That actually explains my ex. Her boundaries were terrible. Said "I would have done anything for you". Very unhealthy boundaries. You actually explained it so well
I agree...🙏.. I am anxious preoccupied 🥺
When you have OCD it's harder :( It's like obsessing is my default and I have to try and try and try every moment not to. It's exhausting. The idea of being overly-attached is so true. The fixation just completely throws you off balance.
I’ve been talking to this girl for years. Day and night on the phone. Their is no other man but we got into a bad argument/misunderstanding when I went to go see her. She thought I was lying about a few things and she’s just been overwhelmed about a lot of other things. She told me she was thinking about cutting me off over the whole situation. I left her a bday gift the next day and she told me “I seen the gift I appreciate it” I told her “your welcome and I hope we can get past this” I haven’t heard from her since (5 days ago) not sure if this is going to last or not but it’s driving me crazy
If you don't want the plant to die, water it everyday
True, you just need to make sure it’s not a weed, lol
Actually some plants that some may find a great love and beauty for, are considered weeds in other places. I have a great love for poppy flowers, but other places they are common and not special at all.
But don’t overwater it!😝
Only water it when the soil is dry. Even though that sounds a little wrong..
Sometimes...... it happens very late when you realised you been watering dead plants for months
Dude, your videos stop my panic attacks in their tracks. thank you
It's hard to stop obsessing about a relationship with a narcissist that went totally horrible out of nowhere. Because most narcissists don't care what they do to people. And when they get bored they tear their ass with no warning.
That is so true but the key to this is understanding that the person IS a narcissist. Nothing you can do could make that relationship better. It is their choice and their flaws and they don't give a shit about you. It is easier to move on then when you realise there's nothing you can do to help them and let them live their shitty live forever.
Yea it sucks especially when they love bomb you at the beginning . So you give them that unconditional love and then the abuse steps in . That is what the hell happened why are you ripping my heart out with no anesthesia! Beware of the narcissist
I can relate to all of this but I’m a dude. Mine also verbally told me that she just was a slow lover and that it’d just take time and that I needed to be patient, of course after the 2 first months of love bomb. 2 years later and all intimacy stopped, wouldn’t even kiss me anymore, only called me sounding interested in me when she had a flat tire or needed help moving something etc and would only make time to hang out super late at night if all her friends weren’t available and I was her last option for entertainment, entertainment meaning me just driving her around while she stared at her phone or slept. Her excuse for the last 8 months when I asked why she’s treating me just as a friend instead of a companion was “I’m super stressed”. Yea, super stressed unless I can be useful to you right? Would never break it off cuz she used me as a tool, but after 6 months, the fake love disguise faded to 0 effort to even hide the fact anymore. Hurts. But just like all you, the small chance of “but what if I just try a little more or give just a little more time” always sits in the back of my head. Really sucks
Its hard to when a narcissistic woman has alienated you from your own kids and acts as a goalie between me and my own children
Believe me..if he is a narcissist she is getting it Worse than u..they just smile for the Facebook pis and pretend happy..just to get at u
Thank you, just lost my relationship because of my controlling tendencies. I love them a lot but it was a wake up call, they still are very hurt and I just really want them to do well...
i saw this too late.... the relationship is over, and im just NOW looking at this kind of stuff, its making me feel so bad abt how i was as a bf man
I think this is the kind of thing that takes some deep introspection to resolve. The science identified in this video is spot on but you have to go deeper and identify why you are behaving in the ways you are.
Also think it is important to acknowledge that life is nowhere close to fair and that everyone has some level of need for social interaction. In my experience, most of the people I've met who struggle with dependency or codependency got that way because their environment wasn't fulfilling their social needs. I think it is hilariously ironic how people will criticize dependency in one breath and neglect to acknowledge the attention they are receiving from others in the next. I'm not going to tell you I condone dependent behavior, but it is absolutely factual that everyone's social experience is widely varied. Some people find themselves in the situation where they are constantly just giving to others who aren't giving anything back to them.
One of the healthiest things you have to learn during your young adult years is that if you're putting effort into connecting with someone who isn't giving you anything back, you have to address it and then move on if it continues. Those sort of situations aren't your fault and they don't make you inherently needy unless you choose to stick around past the expiration date. Life is too short to constantly chase people who don't respect you. People in these sorts of situations are not shameful and absolutely deserve empathy. It's a tough spot to be in.
I agree ❤
Thanks Ryan your message cheers me up.i have cptsd and autism. I have just started dating again after 11 years,has been a real nightmare for me and I suffer a whole range of intense emotions when things do not work out,that most people just brush off.I get really strong feelings of shame,guilt,embarrassment at simple things like rejection.Iam learning and improving all the time but it is nice to hear a good message.
thank you so much man, this made my horrible day better
👏👏👏 Well Said
This comment actually makes more sense
Algorithm is crazy 🤯 exactly what i needed to hear at this point in my life 😩
Synchronicity*
For fucking real
Great point. I think the 5 love languages should be in every school curriculum. Sending love from London UK.
I agree with what you said about the different kinds of love, but I disagree with the idea that freedom “supersedes” love. What I think is more accurate is that freedom is a vital component OF love in its highest form and without it you aren’t actually experiencing love. But more people kill themselves because of a perceived lack of love than a perceived lack of freedom. Freedom does not supersede love.
And I’m also saying that a lack of freedom usually stems from a lack of love in some form or another. They are interdependent. See what I did there?
I ask myself at times if I had this knowledge and view point in my last long term relationship if we’d still be together but I’ve accepted that they aren’t gonna come back
Never could keep or get the ones I wanted so I gave up caring
Am I the only one who thinks this man looks like a young Ben Afleck?
Yesss
Yuppp
Ben Affleck + ryan Reynolds = Clark kegley
And sounds like Markiplier from wish😭
He also has aflec voice
I truly needed this right now . . I’m definitely the dependent one.
Going to be working on that interdependence love 💕
Heavy appreciation on your statement at the end of the video “stop settling, start living” ✨
I think it’s also important to address one of the reasons we do this.
Many people, most I would say, don’t like themselves, love themselves, or even hate themselves. A lot of the time we are our own worst critic, and our worst enemy. Because we know all our flaws, we know all our past failures or mistakes. But other people don’t.
So it is easier to seek and convince someone else to like you and validate you, than it is to convince yourself. And once we have that person that does this for us, that gives us what we were sorely lacking from within ourselves, we hold on and don’t let go. This attachment of course creates a cage for the other person. And what is the most natural reaction to being in a cage … ? Eventually the other person “escapes.”
Once they are lost, and we forget the past joys we had with them. We are only left with one relationship instead of two. We often forget THIS relationship, because it isn’t taught. But it is the MOST IMPORTANT one to focus on before you even start dating others. *The relationship with ourselves. * We go from fun, joy, love, sex, and companionship. To the voice inside our heads that know all our fuck-ups and shortcomings. And the cycle continues…
We look for a new person to save us from the toxic relationship with our own minds. Or we obsess over the past one in order to try to rekindle and forget the inner relationship we’re left with. But the most important thing I’ve started to learn is… that we must stop repeating the same old cycle. We must first directly confront ourselves. Stare directly at us inwardly, with as little bias as possible, and ask:
“ Why am I so toxic with myself? ”
From this simple question which has NO simple answer (it usually stems from childhood , past traumas , past relationships , likely our first real relationship ) We can form a basis for understanding and healing our own intrinsic relationship. I believe that is the most paramount for our growth as a person , and our growth as a partner.
I feel like you could write a book. What you wrote made so much sense and I wanted to read more.
Thank you so much for this comment. It clarified a lot of my experience feeling caged by someone who doesn't love themself.
Your comment really helped me to understand where my dependency came from. Thank you so much 🙏💜
Really good insight man. Of course the question that now comes up is, how can I change this toxic relationship with myself?
Thank you for your reflections, very helpful and good counsel.
After being single for 5 years I've gotten into a new relationship were we started alright then it got deep and it got to codependent and it got to dependent which is me. And yes I am still and working really hard to get past it. And I've been called out by this and that's what I really needed to hear. I want to achieve the third form of love.
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Tbh with you, you'll want to dig a little deeper and find your truest self, see what that third love looks like for you. But tbh what works is catching yourself smile, enjoying the little things and being happy you get to experience you! :) Cuz it shows When I hear you speak I feel that you had to experience a few things to come to a certain realisation. That is this. WHAT YOU DO AND DO NOT LIKE. What you will or will not accept. What you will or will not stand. And what type of relationship you want (the third form of love). You're half way there.
Next stage is your value system: What do you value in a relationship with others and what won't you value.
Last stage is what turns you off? And what turns you on. Mix those 3 stages together and you're here at third type of love, with self-confidence, attractive outlook, view & perspective in deep-founded love for yourself and others. Do this for you and you will be able to do it for your partner of may needed aswell. Because now you have standards and that is attractive.
Man, I know this is a year old but my "ex" asked me when we were splitting up how I can be good at everything in my life except our relationship. I thought on it and my first revelation was that I'm good at everything else because I study and practice..... I am now studying for the future relationships.
Where were you when I screwed everything up 12 hours ago? 😭
Thank you for this. I've been chasing someone for the past three years and this made me realize I wasn't loving them properly. There are probably reasons unrelated to me that caused that imbalance, but it's good to know how I can avoid making the same mistake in the future.
If you really dont care about your partner -- you are checked out. You want to break up and move on.
If you are obsessed about your partner you are controlled and over obsessed.
Its hard to find that middle ground.
So IMPORTANT information here. Just with THIS information (3 types of love), I think, many relationships would have been much healthier and happier. Just 10 minutes of information... THANK YOU Clark!
"The tighter you hold on to them, the more they wanna slip away"
So beautifully explained. Freedom is higher need than love ♥️
Its good that this dude exists , because he‘s definitely telling the truth and if you listen to him carefully and you dont know this things , your life would be so much easier and more enjoyable!
I wish I stumbled upon this video sooner. I'm the dependent type of person and just recently broke up with my 4 years gf because of the very same exact reasons. I'm still hurting because of this breakup and sometimes wish she's still here with me. Thank you for the eye opening video. I will do my best to become a better person.
Basically, I did everything wrong that was mentioned in this video. Lol. Is it possible to reconcile after you take time apart? I really do love my ex. She's an amazing person but we went from codependent love to dependant love, then she left. I dont think we would've had the same issues had we not been codependent from the start but she stopped being dependent and that's where my foolishness took over. If I could do it over again I would take things a lot slower and let it grow naturally. I have learned so much about my issues from RUclips videos that I wasn't even aware that I had. This video helped me tremendously. Thank you for your content. 😁
Wow... I am actually in the same situation as you. Although I don't think I will ever get the chance to get back with my ex. She left me and probably forever.
Best 12 mins I’ve watched in this year yet
I've seen this pan out. I was speaking to this guy I'd never give a second look to but I was somehow interested. You could tell I was socially dominant, I never gave him as much time as he did, I exuded confidence like you're lucky to have me and he ate it up he worshipped me. The second I caught feelings and started reciprocating and validating him, he dumped me.
It's not your fault or it's not his fault either... The guy that started worshipping you may have been through alot... He dumped you because somebody finally took a notice of his existence and hasn't happened with him... So he dumped you because he never expected someone to see him as he is! Attachment trauma in disguise
jaimin sharma can u tell me what u said my phone won’t let me read the rest of ur comment :(
How are you feeling now 5 months later? Did you guys get back together, or did you have to completely let it go?
Same but with a girl and now she wants my help...
Ego love vs selfless, yet fulfilling, love. Very important!
Most people get caught up in a situation where they fall deeply in love with someone that gives them all they’ve been looking for in a relationship, they feel that comfort and security whereas the person does not actually love them. How can you get out of such situations?
I appreciated this, I'm kinda in this situation. I'm not in a relationship but I asked a girl out. We were both friends before I asked her out and since I did we've talked a lot more. The problem is that it feels like I'm putting in all the work, now in her defense she's told me she's busy and I understand it. It's been a while and we've talked and I'm quite certain she's interested, I've given her to many chances to reject me without any hurt feelings and she hasn't taken any of them and has affirmed that she does want to go out. I'm head over heels for this girl so I hope it works out but I'm making all the steps and she hasn't made many moves on her own. Now just yesterday she reached out to me so we'll have to wait to see where this goes before I can decide if this is a one sided relationship or it's just the early stages. I have low self esteem but I've always been happy with who I am, this is the first girl I've ever liked in this way but I'm not gonna change who I am to conform to her wants.
Thank you I’m going through a bad breakup and this video has great points. I was in a relationship where my partner was needy and clingy and it drove us crazy. I wanted to be free and loved but it seemed impossible to her because she is the type where she wants to be with you 24/7 and controlling what I do.
"Your love makes me stronger, your indifference makes me invincible."
There is a need higher than love, freedom..🙌🙌
You are at your most attractive when you no longer care what people think and you are no longer attached to that which you desire the most. people have an unbelievable ability to correctly guess a persons feelings by the way they act and they way they talk.
The best advice I can give to anyone who doesn’t want to be disappointed in a relationship is learn to love yourself first after that relations are easier and you stop caring that much about what other half thinks does etc.
I needed to see this today. My partner and I have been going through some rough patches that are incredibly complicated and hard to sort out. I view our relationship as important and I put significant amounts of energy into it because I view it as building our future but she doesn’t put equal amounts of effort into it. This leave me feeling like she feels she doesn’t need to try because I’m doing all of the work and leaves me feeling frustrated like I’m carrying the entire thing on my back.
I’m going to start consciously focusing on myself and my freedom first and let her come to me. I guess I was sending out signals that she’s more important than I am but really I’m just focused on building a relationship that is strong and will stand the tests of time.
Going to be changing focus now, thank you 🙏🏼
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Hope you're doing alright. It's tough. I've got to adopt the same mindset. I'm just turning into a sniffling sad case lol
Literally summer up what I'm going through right. I put so much effort in and it's so hard. I feel like an idiot but scared to not put effort incase it crumbles
I feel you. I am also highly invested as I felt he’s worth it, and we are worth it.
But he’s rather detached and his coldness really gets to me. And I find myself wanting him more cos it’s so hard to get to him.
Letting go of him is hard as well. It has been such a struggle
For me love is very simple. It’s about wanting a life together, it’s about wanting to spend time together. It’s about not having to play games, not having to think so much about whether im needy or not.
It’s about just wanting to be by your side whenever I can. But in modern times, this is seen as desperate or even wrong
When I love, I give my all. I don’t want to hold back. Love is so hard.
I cared for him alot.. I mean i didn't care for anyone in my life like him but he didn't care for me when I needed him.. Didn't even ask "hey are you ok?".. Didn't call him after that deleted his number. . .i learned my lesson.. Relationship should be like a two way street.. One sided doesn't work.. 😊
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Shouldn't have trusted harvey dent
I’ve definitely let go. Now I know what it’s like for many to have no empathy and could care less.
Just watched this again. you attract what you are not what you want. powerful.
There is incredible advice here, but I think these 3 types of "love" actually exist more on a spectrum and are more interconnected.
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He was the one who brought back my ex within 48 hours
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Dr Frank can make your ex come back to you for a second chance. He was the one who helped me restore back my broken relationship of 3 years by bringing back my ex Also Dr Frank always keep up with his words I strongly Advise you to seek help from him.
"I should be more important than the frickin sunset!" That for some reason made me laugh. As someone working on overcoming my abandonment issues, I'm gonna remember that...
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Okay, this was extremely insightful. I always thought I was wrong in wanting to enjoy the moments 'shared' with that said person instead of just admiring them. The example puts things in a lot clearer perspective. Thank you! :)
Is it jus me or does this guy looks alot like ben Affleck
Yo this has helped me like detatch myself from my ego on it all. Man, very very helpful. I have been wanting to be codependent for so long after 6 years, she did run and noe is doing so much on her own without me so quickly. When she didnt before. Thanks for this video, this has helped a fuck ton on my end.
Hearing this wisdom may very well be my Buddha moment--I guess I just needed to hear these exact words in this exact way (because I've really been resenting a lot the advice out there the past 7 months since my wife left me). So, quite simply: thank you!
I loved this person to a point that i wanted to do the things they did i wanted to love the music they loved ...i wanted to watch what they watched ...my happiness depended on them... I think i was so obsessed that they pushed me away....but i now realize im lucky they did cause i was seriously losing myself....letting go isnt easy...but i know i will
One day, I was on the brink of losing my mind over this girl until I stumbled upon this video and your advice…. God damn man you saved me, opened up my eyes and I had a paradigm shift. Thank you for your wisdom and help brother, extremely valuable content 🙏🏽💛
Maybe we weren't taught in school or university how to build healthy relationships. Maybe we didn't have an example of our own parents, what a healthy family is. But with age and experience, we understand how it should be, how a man and a woman should be in a relationship. How to enjoy staying together.
Everything that turns from healthy into obsession is no longer good and needs to be treated or ended. If you yourself cannot understand what and how you do not like it, then it is better to turn to specialists who will sort you out on shelves and bricks.
and I thought I needed a relationship advice but no!! THE ROOT OF SUFFERING IS ATTACHMENT!!
You should be able to voice your needs and the other person should care about your happiness, without feeling like you are being controlled/suffocated because their happiness is essential to your own
💯 freedom and healthy love ! I’ve yet to find it ... I’m told I’m avoidant but I’m not... I’m just whole and complete on my own. I’m not settling I know he’s out there
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Maybe being single is better 😄 great great video
agreed 🤠
I agree
Agreed -too difficult 😣 just me and my baby 👶🏼🙌🏻🙏❤️👊🏼
Don't obsess but love them equally got it, don't compare urselfs to other relationships every couple is different
I love you Clark! I thought the manifest a text video was my favorite but no, it’s not. THIS ONE IS AMAZING
I have been in a relationship for almost 8 years. It started all wrong (long story). Either way, what we have is not love, it is co-dependency and we are "used" to each other. I have started this wonderful journey of self-love and self-discovery and have discovered that our love / relationship is not what it should be. We are growing apart and I know the right thing to do is to call it quits. We don't know what we are holding on to, yet, we are still together. Deep inside, I know that right thing to do is go our separate ways, yet is hard and it hurts somehow. Decisions, decisions, decisions 🤔😕
When you literally lose yourself for the other person, it is not a healthy and prosperous relationship!
Right with you. 8 years of same thing you describe
You always post at the right time, Clark. Cheers, this is why I have my notifications on!
Knowing that you played a role in their distance hurts like hell but I'm so grateful I found this video. Thank you for the wisdom and keep sharing the awareness!
Wow this actually helped me alot, I feel like I've been searching for an answer on why my last relationship didn't work out and this videos made me come to realization on what was wrong.
Wow man you’ve made a lot of people realized many obscure things about themselves and their partners lol. Your truths seem harsh but when we have enough humility and maturity, you can benefit alot. Props.
Don't make confusion between feelings and Love. Love is a behavior towards the universe, feelings is what makes us human beings.
This is so confusing’
Date with intention
Don’t, go with the flow
Be free of control. The book "30 Days to Stop Giving a Shit" by Corin Devaso is a good read.
Lol 😂 so is the book “the subtle art of not giving a fuck” 🥴👌🏼
I learnt to let go when I see my own worth - I am so much better than him. And just like that, my love for him was gone. Took me 10 years.
So I’ve met someone of t the bat , he’s vibing on my self love and spiritual stuff and he just gets me , this is so exciting for me . Now I’m sat here wondering If I’ve actually slept with him to soon and how to let go of t the outcome , because thinking that is causing me to attach an outcome . After being single for 11 years I find this so exciting
This is an amazing video, I have been working through some of these concepts but this video really helped me focus my understanding. Thank you!