Cultivating Compassion for the ADHD Child | Dr. Francine Conway | TEDxAdelphiUniversity
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- Опубликовано: 28 май 2024
- Cultivating Compassion for the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) Child: Shifting Our Stance from Moral Indictment to Empathy
rancine Conway, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist, Professor and Chair of Psychology in the Derner Institute of Advanced Psychological Studies. She has written articles and books on ADHD treatment and supervised undergraduate and doctoral students in conducting research on ADHD. Working with colleagues, Dr. Conway was instrumental in establishing the Derner Hempstead Child Clinic-a satellite clinic in Hempstead that provides psychotherapy services for underserved minority children who experience tremendous difficulty in their families and schools. She currently serves as the clinical director for the clinic and also supervises beginning therapists in an empathic treatment of children.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx
I have the opposite of empathy deficiency. In fact as a child I had so much empathy to others, their feelings, experiences and their sighs, rolling eyes, and clenching jaws that I fought daily at conforming to become invisible and not be a bother to others and my anxiety still is like a loud bell in my gut. I can walk into a room and my empathy is so strong that I feel who is angry or depressed, even nervous or suicidal. I know exactly why people do what they do because I understand the feeling that brought them to a behavior and how words will impact their confidence and feelings. What price did I pay? Always fear of getting someone mad, especially from being late or forgetful or space out- and I was so busy worrying about others feelings that I didn't matter and I could not see around corners or see the big picture. I stared myself blind at my surroundings. I made it my life mission to make others happy at my own expense because when you feel what others feel it becomes very important for them not to feel bad around you because it is so awful.
100% this. ❤️
Relatable asf x
I am the over asker at work because I feel like if I try to do it on my own judgement I'll do it wrong so even if I've done it a thousand times the same way I'll still ask just to make sure so I don't make a mistake and make someone mad and to those closest to me I become invisible to be less of a burden or and inconvenience
Omg YES. THIS!!! 1000% You took the words out my mouth
To all of you ADHD'ers. I love all you strange yet unique, beautiful and amazing mofos. Stay awesome guys!!!
I wouldn't say ADHD means having lack of empathy. I have way too much empathy; if someone feels an emotion, I'll start feeling the same way.
My mom always thinks I am "inconsiderate" and i feel like saying lack of empathy is the same thing. When she says I'm "inconsiderate" its more that I had failed to do something that she wanted. Its not that I'm doing it because I dont care about her feelings or understand where she's coming from, but rather its just not something that crosses my mind in the moment.
Like if I dont put my make up away or do the dishes she complains that I'm inconsiderate because I'm impeding her living space and forcing her to be a maid by cleaning up after me. We argue because she feels like I'm doing this TO her but really I just don't think about what it could mean to leave a mess because I dont see the issue of leaving it til later.
Tho it doesnt help that I suspect we BOTH have ADHD so the other aspects of the disorder cause our interactions to escalate lol...
Mai514 oh nooo, I totally see how that can be problematic, I'm sure the two of you can brainstorm a solution to preventing further conflict ;)
Lack of empathy doesn’t necessarily mean inconsiderate although it’s completely reasonable why you would think so. My mom and I are lucky to have a good relationship, but she actually struggles with lack of empathy. She struggled to relate with me emotionally as a child and we both have adhd. She is still one of the most compassionate people I know. As a kid, I noticed she tried as hard as she could but she struggled to really feel what I was feeling. Me on the other hand, I was too empathetic. While I didn’t struggle as much with feeling enough emotion, I struggled really hard with emotional regulation. I was perfectionist on because any little mistake would cause an episode of self hate and depression. I also tended to lash out as a child, especially when overwhelmed. I was way too sensitive to every little thing in my environment. If something was even slightly off about the mood of the room, I could tell. So what I learned is that all of us deal with lack of empathy AND too much emotion to some degree. But about half of us struggle with lack of empathy rarely and have too much emotion while the other half struggles with empathy but can easily control their emotions. And then there’s times when both happen (we get onlverwhelmed and lash out without thinking until after we’re calm enough to realize it). Those of us with too much emotion will let these events affect us for years.
BTW Im using we language for anyone who may relate and I’m not speaking for the entire community. Everyone has their own experience of this disorder.
No ma'am! I have an overabundance of empathy. I'm an elementary teacher and studying to become a counselor. Empathy is what I live for.
Good! I’m a mother and I know what she’s saying is true for me
I have adhd teachers, parents, and counselors tend to lack the empathy it takes to just listen
It sucks
Oh thank goodness. I'm a high school student on the path to really understand my adhd. The way she talks about lack of empathy was pretty upsetting. My parents are constantly telling me about how much they love my empathetic side. Just yesterday, I was brought to my knees, crying, because my friend online lost their dog. Adhd is NOT a lack of empathy.
@@puddingcake3002 anytime someone tells you "you lack/don't have empathy" they're protecting
IT'S NOT YOU OR YOU'RE FAULT
@@puddingcake3002 i see. perhaps the lack of emphathy in her child is not from the ADHD, but just his personality?
My son's in kindergarten, just diagnosed. It's been a real struggle. I empathize with the struggle to empathize. It's tough. He's never going to 'fit' perfectly in any box, but our goal now is to understand and not make the situation worse, and truly try to help him harness this energy and recognize within himself the triggers of what causes outbursts, etc.
Good luck! It’s going to be a tough road, for the rest of his life. There’s lots of advice I could offer a parent of a newly diagnosed ADHD child, but my biggest is probably not to allow a doctor to prescribe him risperdone. They do need meds, but that’s one to stay away from, at all costs.
I have ADHD and ever since I was a small child I have been extremely sensitive and more empathetic than the average person. I have noticed this in other people with ADHD as well. I’m not sure where she gets the information that lack of empathy and ADHD go hand in hand.
I find it funny that she wasn't describing ADHD at all..... She was practically defining Oppositional Defiance Disorder straight from the DSM.
now everything makes much better sense
Also adhd has the highest comorbidity rate, so her child could have easily both.
@@IDKhowtopickaname definitely possible, but still, she accurately described ADHD.
I would say, from a person with ADHD, its more of the root of the problem. Its more about what caused us not to do our homework, or what we got distracted by, or if we forgot about it. None of this is on purpose, we can't help it. ADHD is not about what happens after. One trait of ADHD is constantly overthinking, or overthinking rejection, or failure. Its not a lack of empathy, its the difficulty to get started in the first place.
I'm an adult with ADHD and I do not have a lack of empathy. Yes I find myself doing the same wrong thing OVER AND OVER. Personally when I break something that is not replaceable,i'm angry with my self. I can't believe that I did that (again) I find myself in these kinda stations more then most children. I am so ashamed of that . I can you say I'm sorry for the 100th time and expect people to still believe you?So simply you just shut down.
I'm quite sure that it is not all people with ADHD that is lacking empathy and from what you tell, you are sure fully able to feel empathy.
Me too, in fact I give what seems to be a "lazy" appearance to those who live closest to me. It's just that I don't want to risk it anymore, and become afraid to move or try in the usual chance that I broke something again or made the same mistakes again. Then I get yelled at for removing myself or get yelled at for trying and failing again, which I beat myself over :( it's just horrible to work with. All you were trying to do was do the right thing, but people won't take your sorrys forever. So instead, I shut down
I'm glad I'm not the only one who's confused by her claim that those with ADHD have a lack of empathy. It's pretty inconsistent with my experience and understanding of ADHD.
Exactly! I have ADHD and an abundance of empathy is the problem. I feel guilty when I can't help everyone. I feel guilty at the tiniest mistakes I make, especially if it's because of my EF issues. :(
I have too much empathy lol, I do however lack the attention on things that do not interest me and too much attention on things that I enjoy. So much, that I end up being late on homework ALL the time.
Actually it is quite common for ADHDers to feel deeply for others to the point it can affect them at times. There is also the Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria that about 75+% of ADHDers have that makes them more sensitive to other people's moods and rejection or what they perceive as rejection
Yeah “lack of empathy” is more of an autistic trait. And even then, it’s not that autistic people lack empathy, it’s more like they have trouble processing emotion, especially ones they’ve never personally experienced. Still though, plenty of people myself included can sympathize and empathize to a degree regardless so idk what she’s on about
I have ADHD, I do agree with her point. We do empathize with other people's loss or failure which comes natural to us. My friends approach me because of that, i can always relate to their failures in life because "failures" are part of my everyday life. But there is a blind spot in my empathy that is i cannot easily relate to the negative effects of my behaviours. For example, i would wake up early and start studying very loudly without regard for my room mate's sleep patterns. I realised that i was affecting her only when my dad kept disturbing my sleep at home. We do unintentionally affect people around us (especially our parents) which she describes as "empathy deficit" although i wouldn't agree with her terminology there is some truth to it
This TED talk is not for people who have ADHD but for people who are dealing with people with ADHD
This is so misconstrued. I understand how she came to this conclusion and have read scientific literature about the ADHD brain as well (for years). Although she has jumped to a very hurtful conclusion in an attempt to explain something she can't understand. The reason why a child with ADHD does not apologize for short comings of their disorder is not because they lack empathy. It is because if they apologized every time they made a mistake because of something they can not control, did not intend, even when it inconveniences themselves as well, they would descend into self loathing. Furthermore, their other apologies for actions they actually took part in would lose all value. Also, if this "research" was really as thorough as she made it seem, she should understand that ADHD presents itself in a spectrum, so saying that ADHD children/people as a whole all exhibit a lack of empathy is not only inaccurate, but also arrogant. As a person well versed in research of neurological disorders, and person who has dealt with ADHD my entire life; I can confidently say that if a child with ADHD makes a mistake in school and seems unapologetic, it does not mean that it is because ADHD makes them incapable of feeling/expressing empathy, it is because you can not expect a child who normally does things they can't control to apologize if they did not intend to do something wrong, you can not expect them to openly show you they are disappointed in themselves, trust me, they already hate themselves for it, or they have finally come to terms with the fact that they can't control it and no apology will prevent it from happening again. Lastly, don't try to tell people how others feel on the inside, when you do not have the disorder, just because you played connect the dots with scientific literature. If you sat your son down and asked him why he was unapologetic, you could have saved yourself the research and spared the ADHD community of your inaccurate leap of logic. Sorry if this was a little hostile, struck a nerve and apparently I am incapable of empathy so, oh well.
Thank you for speaking up on behalf of all the ADHDers. 💜
This was very well put thank you 🙏 im sorry it made you feel a little hostile but I totally understand why. But in that hostility came a wonderful comment that has really helped me. 🙏 im a mum with adhd with 3 sons with adhd all on a spectrum as they are all individual humans with very different experiences. X
Some are superhumanly empathetic from my experience and reading.
Our empathy is actually boundless, but if we let you see how deeply bad we feel every time we mess up, you’d see how worthless and inconvenient we feel on the inside. To spare you this discomfort we don’t let it show, and I’d say that makes US the compassionate ones.
I agree with you being upset about the conclusions to which she came. I also have been diagnosed and in treatment for ADHD without hyperactivity. My parents and teachers were tired of me forgetting things and making a plethora of mistakes. I try so hard to do the things I find almost impossible but that doesn’t mean I’m not capable of empathy. I was conditioned to apologize for every little thing I did or didn’t do wrong and eventually couldn’t stand myself because of it. Though I do like the idea of being more companionate and reasonable with expectations. I feel parents and anyone who work with all children that they make learning about how wonderful positive reinforcement is beneficial and more effective than scolding and punishing for everything. Most kids I help care for need to take breaks and have special accommodations individualized for their needs. Like taking more frequent breaks and extra encouragement. One thing I needed but never got was the ability to work in a room to myself just getting help when I asked. It was difficult for me to concentrate with other kids in the class because anything they did got my attention from talking to getting up walking anywhere in the classroom.
Someone with ADHD I would say that it's more accurate that I feel empathy but I do not often express it outwardly
Let me get this clear. When I come face to face with my teachers about me not being able to do my homework, I do not have a lack of empathy. I am constantly in tears because I know that I can do better and everyone else can do the homework, but I can't. ADHD is NOT and was never a lack of empathy. My parents are constantly telling me that they love how empathetic I am. I have ADHD; I think I know what it's like to live in my own brain.
but how old are you?
@@YungVinsk it's meant to be about teachers having empathy for you, not you having empathy for yourself.
@@samvan919 I had to watch this again and listen carefully as I misunderstood her message the first time. I was diagnosed in my mid 60's. I'm watching videos similar to this to understand and support my 6 yr old Granddaughter. Her parents appear to believe strict discipline is needed. I don't want her to grow up with the shame that I did. She needs love and support. All children need love and support.
Thankyou for caring so much, and for being so kind to ADHD children, Adhd people. My whole life has felt like a constant struggle to feel loved or cared about or supported, ive always just wanted to be accepted and hugged and thought about and empathised by my friends and chosen family, but they just think I'm an a**hole or mean or inconsiderate or snappy, but I'm just overwhelmed with indecision and boredom and forgetfulness and obsessiveness. I don't understand when people annoy me and prod and try take away my independence or belittle me, i just want everyone to leave me alone with certain things but STILL support me and love me and be my bro / sister / family / squad while i go on these tangents and get overwhelmed and hyoerfocused, I want some loyalty and some friends that understand me enough to make me feel safe knowing they will always be there for me after I get back from a 3 day bender buried in research about something I'm currently fascinated by or while I'm helping someone or while I'm buikding or create plands for my friends / partner / community.
Does this make sense? Does anyone else understand that feeling of occasionally needing SPACE but still needing the guarantee they are always still truly there for you :(
Yes. You described my experience perfectly.
Dr Conway - hey brilliant talk, but don't tell me I lack affective empathy :( That certainly isn't true for all of us. I am not the only ADHD person I know with an unusually kind and soft nature. Are we some sort of subcategory?!
@@danidorsey679 I’m a kid with a small case of ADHD and I’ve never lacked empathy, I’ve cared a lot for others and didn’t have trouble making or keeping friends.
No, many ADHD people have normal levels of empathy and saying we don't can be damaging. It's attention that's the issue, it can be hard to notice subtle changes in emotion. But once we're aware we have normal empathy and compassion for that person.
idk this sounds very off to me. I just highly doubt that my lack of ability to control my focus and attention is rooted in a lack of empathy. she seems to be talking about an adhd childs response to their mistakes rather than the root of those mistakes. No remorse? personally I feel quite ashamed of the mistakes I make as a result of my adhd, and I tend to over think how others may be feeling, and over think different perspectives.
I'm no doctor but I do have adhd and what she's describing seems like a completely different thing to me. Much of the emotional behavior she describes as adhd behavior doesn't sound like anything resembling myself. to me adhd feels more like an issue with executive dysfunction. it's like this disconnect between intent and action, I want to do something but I just can't will myself to do it. or I can't remember to do it. I still feel sorry about it once someone lets me know I made a mistake and theres absolutely a whole lot of remorse and shame.. really don't see how a literal deficit in empathy fits in there. numbness to being constantly yelled at for honest mistakes, sure. Complex difference in empathy as a result of executive dysfunction, sure. But she seems to talk about it in such a weirdly clear cut way. "deficit" vs difference. (hmm also even adhd being called attention deficit is misleading cause it's not really simple lack of attention. Hyperfocus exists too along side the inability to focus on a task on command, and even when you can't focus on a task on command it's cause of attention going elsewhere, not an absence of it. so it's really more of an attention mismanagement disorder.) Kind of reminds me of the theory that autistic people lack empathy, though now theres another theory that they have too much of it to know what to do with. Like sure you could call me wrong cause shes the doctor and I don't know anything and am also a poor judge of myself, but theres so many professional opinions that disagree with this as well just in ted talks alone.
Nahh, fellow person with ADHD here and you're spot on from what I can tell.
This is mistaking their lack of focus regulation for a lack of empathy and caring. This is ADHD 101 idk what she's studied or how she got to your conclusions but she's very, very wrong.
Actually this is quite accurate for me. The idea that we lack affective empathy is scary, but i think that, if put another way, people would understand better. Yes, the scientific explanation might be a lack of empathy, but I feel like a more accurate explanation (or at least one that would relate to more people, would just be that we don't have *time* to feel empathy.
I feel like our brains just skitter from one thing to another so fast that we don't have time to really notice what's going on, assess the consequences of what we're about to do, and then decide whether we're going to do it. When I was little, I went from one thing to another so fast that i never really had time to look back and think about what I did. Even when i was put in the corner for my bad behavior, I would get distracted from thinking about my actions, so I would forget to think about them and then learn nothing from them!
When I started taking medication, it suddenly felt like I had the time to think before I acted, and so now, still taking my meds, I hurt the people around me a lot less because of this "lack of empathy" than I used to, mostly because now I can actually focus long enough to understand why I should care.
FlurryOfMadness That makes so much sense. Thank you.
💯
I have adhd and i am highly empathic ! Your describing o.d.d
It's not that they don't have empathy it's just that they are too distracted to notice they did anything wrong.
I don't think we lack empathy, but rather when we have impulses or emotions, they become so strong that it overrules that empathy.
I have ADHD and have ALWAYS HAD SO MUCH EMPATHY FOR OTHERS! So she shouldn't have said that everyone with ADHD isn't empathetic... ???!!!! 🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️🤷🏼♀️
I completely disagree with the idea of the lack of empathy from my own experience. I think it can definitely be perceived that way when it narrowly comes down to work ethic and I used to get in arguments all the time with my mom because it came off as if I didn’t care when I was actually struggling. If anything, I think most people with adhd deal with a lot of being overwhelmed with everything around them and embarrassment/disappointment. For my school work it wasn’t so much of a lack of trying to do my work but finishing it or starting it to begin with. Either not knowing where to even begin or struggling with my ideas and being a perfectionist leads on top of distractions leads to it never getting finished. If there seems to be a lack of empathy it’s most likely because they’re not understanding the difficulty that the child is going through and maybe that child feels already overwhelmed that getting mad at them instead of continually encouraging them/ motivating them puts them into a bigger hole.
Sounds like ironically the ones around them lack empathy
Yeaup, same.
As someone with ADHD, there are a lot of points in this video that I agree with, however; I think the conclusion that was drawn completely misses the mark. I would argue that individuals have an overabundance of empathy which creates additional anxiety and the denial of that empathy for self-protection.
As an ADHD person, none of what she says feels familiar to me, except for the brief mention of time blindness. I've been empathetic and compassionate as a kid. I don't stare blankly. I have emotional diaregulation.
A kid in my school has always been the disruptive, class clown, “bad” student. He was being especially hyperactive during a class and the teacher continuously told him to stop. He said “sorry… I have ADHD.” She replied with “so? A lot of kids have ADHD.” This is true, but this kid has obviously struggled his whole life with this. His neurodivergent brain was never helped or accommodated, as it should have been.
This sounds like a mom who doesn't want to accept her child has opposition defiant disorder, so she says they only have adhd and that is why he can't be empathetic...
"Inherent in the condition of adhd is an empathy deficit."
Holdup.jpeg
I have experience, in my family, with all three. I myself have OCD, since I was very young, though it’s more OD now. And she’s absolutely right about children with ADHD lacking empathy. I could be crying(not something I do often, and almost never in front of my kids), and my son would ask if I am okay, but then as soon as I started talking, the topic would switch to him. When my daughter had ODD, if she saw me crying, she probably would have asked if I’m okay, and at least made me feel like she cared. That same daughter now, only has aspergers. Of all three, aspergers kids seem to be the most capable of true empathy. If my ADHD son perceived that I looked mad, he’d automatically assume I was mad at him, and possibly start to cry, out of fear that I would direct that anger at him, which I have never done ever. People with ADHD are probably the most perceptive of the feelings of others(especially anger), but they don’t think about how that person is feeling, and what they can do to help. It’s not their fault. She’d probably be happier if her son had ODD, because it’s something he could recover from. Not the case with ADHD.
I don't have a lack of empathy and I have ADHD
As I understand it, ADHD folks typically are more compassionate, kind-hearted people. It's true with my sweet daughter. (ADD Dad, here, as well.) Thanks for speaking up for yourself! Blessings.
ADHD does not exist
@@goodyeoman4534 millions of psychiatrists cry in anguish as they dump almost 200 years of research into a volcano "oh I guess mister smart RUclips guy was right" they sob. "ADHD not real" Millions of people go off their meds "I'm cured!!! I no longer experience painful restlessness! Lack of focus! I no longer have problems completing menial tasks because of a different neurological structure of my brain! Thank you smart RUclips guy!"
Neurologists set their labs on fire " I guess we know nothing about brains" they say, "I guess it's time to go back to clown school. Thank you for enlightening me Mr Yeoman sir"
@@jaSama02 Since when was psychiatry taken seriously? and since when was consensus the measure of truth?
@@jaSama02 Sarcasm really is an unattractive quality. you should consider toning it down, and employing a bit of wit (if you're capable...)
I watched this on my TV and actually logged in on a separate device to see the comments because my jaw DROPPED. Lack of empathy is a very serious symptom of intense psychological disorders.. but not ADHD. To suggest her child doesn't apologize because they don't have empathy is just... wow. Sounds like mom has an axe to grind. This is barely half a step above "they're not doing what I said bc they're lazy!!!$!#!"
Seriously, this is bad. Why it was the very first video to pop up in my search I have no idea.
i have never heard of lack of empathy being something that effect adhd. on the contrary some of us are highly sensitive and very empathic because of that
I have add, i do have empathy, but sometimes i think i lack it in the way the others think i should be filling
Yeah, lack of concern for the rules is not the same thing as lack of empathy for individual people ( I have empathy in abundance for individuals.)
I have an excess of empathy for sure and ADHD. This is not an inherent trait in ADHD. What she is describing is more likely of an Autistic child but not ADHD and it isn't even considered an inherent trait of ASD anymore. It's such a shame because the beginning of this video before she said "lack of empathy" was promising. This is dangerous information because she presents it as fact and it is not.
It varies with my son. There are times when he says he's sorry for things that he has done. However, there are times when he's dealing with peers his age or his little sister, he lacks empathy for them. Sometimes it depends on his mood.
I think the example she gave with the 10-year-old child sounds more like ADHD time distortion. He focuses on the "now", not the fight that happened yesterday.
Actually, the trauma and ostracization from having adhd helped me be able to sympathize with others better as a kid. Compassion should not be something easily given, but for me it's incredibly hard to say no to people especially at work. I've had to actually learn to be more specific to whom is deserving of my compassion.
I'm terrified of being judged and offending/disappointing others. I have a permanent guillotine that hovers over my head whispering how ill never be able to do enough. You eventually grow numb to deal with the mental scarring and blot out the self-hatred (multiply that by 5 times because adhd).
And there you have what alot of kids growing into adulthood with adhd go through. My parents chose to be mentally abusive and told me it was my lack of effort and stupidity. If you seriously think we lack empathy, it's simply because you choose to not view us at all through your neurotypical lenses.
lack of empathy though is not an "inherent" trait within the ADHD brain. The inherent traits are commonly known: Inattention, hyperactivity, impulsivity... but the lesser regarded but just as common problem we have is Emotional Dysregulation.
So perhaps what you're seeing is not an inherent lack of empathy, but rather an inherent lack of ability regulating and responding to emotional stimuli. See children learn how to regulate emotions from their surroundings... but adhd brains dont.we need to be TAUGHT how to deal with emotions. so the child isnt lacking empathy as we know the meaning (understanding the others feelings from experience) but rather that its a lack of empathy until we understand how the other person feels, then the floodgates of empathy open up (for me at least this is the case). at the end of the day it's classified as a learning disorder for a reason. our brains do not think the same way, they don't LEARN the same way. but we feel every emotion on the spectrum including empathy, even if some have lower empathy than others it isn't an inherent trait within adhd
I have ADHD (combined type) and I don’t agree with what she’s saying about empathy.
I am highly empathetic, and that is exactly my problem. I can feel someone else’s pain so deep and so intense, it will tear me apart if I don’t protect myself. For this reason, I choose to show as less emotion as possible and I often avoid situations where empathy is needed so people wrongly assume I don’t have it. I have it, but just like everything else in ADHD I have it more extreme and that’s why I avoid a lot of situations and keep the contact with my environment superficial.
ADHD isn't a lack of empathy. It's a lack of motivation, organization, and overwhelming shame that occurs in a competitive environment.
As a teacher, I have worked with a number of children with ADHD. What works well with ADD and/or ADD is basic manners and respect. I will try a number of different techniques to help the child cope better in class, but children DO need to exhibit a basic understanding of how to respond to the teacher and parents need to educated themselves.
Sometimes they just can’t do it every time like teachers expect them to even if they try to hard to do what you ask of them.
She's mixing ASD and ADHD? They have a lot in common but they are not the same.. In fact children with ADHD are often more empathectic and sensitive, they just get overwhelmed and its not always obvious in the moment.
@Mackenzie de Prado Yep agreed.
Sounds like her kid has high end aspergers too, i was literally exactly like this kid. schools took away workshop classes and dissuade boyish behaviors, telling me to sit in the same class/ office chair is a complete nightmare, I'm not broken... i just have a preferred way of performing and schools have forgotten that, I feel bad for kids (and parents) now. The terror of "FAILING" to work inside the rigid boundaries they've set for a one-size fits all framework is a side effect that no one wants but no one seems to be willing to think about or admit. i hate it.
I don't believe that a lack of empathy is PART of the ADD/ADHD construct at all. Rather, it's how other people REACT to the ADD/ADHD child which eventually leads to a lack of empathy.
I've known adults with ADD and ADHD, and those who have shared their childhood experiences with me revealed that they were on the receiving end of an endless flood of shaming, blaming, anger, rejection, punishment, and even physical violence on a regular basis, even from their own parents.
How must it feel, to have always been treated so hatefully, for as far back as you can remember, all for the "crime" of being yourself?
Empathy is a learned skill. How is a child supposed to learn empathy when they're never shown any?
I do agree with literally every other commenter. I have more empathy than all 8 of my siblings combined and I’m the only one diagnosed adhd.
I have adhd and I'm very empathetic
ADHD can also be highly correlated with being on the spectrum. I’m an ADHD kid. My intention has nothing to do with the outcome. My RSD is kicking in listening to this, because I go straight to that she’s pinning the ADHD child as a narcissist. I’ve always been about the nuances….and it’s the nuances (and that I’m a HSP) that in my 30s are still causing issues for me and my life today.
The striving & frustration is very real. I’d just hesistate to say that ADHD is correlated with lack of empathy.
Empathy toward self is plausible. I’m going to have to stew on this…
I just want to let any parents out there know that it’s not that we can’t hop into the parent’s shoes and know what to do and what will make us a “good kid.” We want more than anything to be “good” and “helpful.” So please ask your child about some of these concepts instead of making a blanket assumption.
The weird thing is, what neurotypicals view as a "lack" of empathy is only a slight (not even outside normal range) deficit in AFFECTIVE empathy - the expression of empathy. People with ADHD test as normal or even slightly above average where regards emotive empathy - the experience of empathy.
I was going along with this speech until she said people with ADHD lack empathy 😑
I have ADHD. If anything, I have TOO MUCH empathy. Everyone else that I know with the same diagnosis is pretty similar. I think it’s possible, that someone may become numb and seem like they don’t have empathy after going without support and constantly being told that they aren’t doing enough their entire lives. The people that are lacking in empathy are the ones that punish children/people with adhd for something that they cannot control.
At a younger age they do lack empathy skills. They have a harder time identifying feelings of others and really can't focus. I work with children with ADHD and some of the children really don't show empathy skills which she is stating or make eye contact. So when that happens they are lacking empathy skills because they're identifying emotions of others with only one emotion. They will have one emotion if a peer is sad, frustrated, mad, happy etc. It's hard for them to make that connection especially at a younger age. That's why we try to implement alot of social/ emotional games, visuals etc to help their development in that area.
This speaker is spot on. Empathy is something that needs to be taught to those who have attention deficit disorders. I live with this disorder myself and know that she is speaking correctly about the personal experience of those who have been diagnosed with ADHD correctly by those who have experience in the field of psychiatric medicine. She’s spot on.
You're speaking all of my feelings and my life 🥺
Empathy is about shifting your perspective to see it as another sees it; not feeling others' pain. All people struggle in this area without knowing it. We think we're empathic but we're judging from our own perspective, which is by default limited. I work with many couples and it's problematic when someone comes from a place of, "This is how I operate" vs these are the needs of the situation. Excellent talk. Empathy vs judging is one of the deepest and most profound practices.
I think she’s mistaken that people can assume we lack empathy bc we forget about things going on with others easily and instead focus on what interests us the most at one time. However, we most often feel extremely guilty for this and are in fact extremely empathetic, we just can’t control how others perceive our actions.
thank you for doing this
I don't think it's the lack of empathy, this is very poorly worded, or just a misunderstanding of what "empathy" is.
I think the thing is that people with ADHD have problems understanding that other people's emotions, especially the negative ones can be so long lasting. Unless it's something really dire I just have generally negetive feelings towards a person, I usually forget or get over it very quickly.
It works the other way around too. I've had friends be really surprised by how quickly I can let mishaps go. My friend forgot she was about to meet me to pass some materials from class today? Not a problem. I went to meet her half way and wasn't even mad because... things happen. I meds up all the time. Also an hour had passed and I got over it after 5 minutes. She was so surprised I wasn't mad at her!
It's also sometimes the inability to get out of your own head or missing details. But I assure you, my empathy is and has been actually much stronger than that of most nt people I know.
BRAVO...Dr. Conway! Thank you so much for speaking about "adding compassion" for ADHD child, I was one of those children. My passion for music and the arts, having an amazing mother who was an incredible soprano and vibrant grandmother who was in outstanding organist and choir director (one of the roles that I now share with her) brought my passion for "choral and vocal singing" into one. I learned valuable "time management skills (learning to become an professional singer/musician) and in getting my music homework done which...transferred to my school work. I loved school and all of the books and texts, homework that was required-as I loved and still do "reading and learning." so I can't remember losing my "homework" maybe misplacing where my books were, if not in the my school bag! LOL! Teachers and mentors having "compassion" for an ADHD child is vital, I know that I wouldn't be the "reasonably professional Arts Consultant" that I am now, without these people in my life who gently taught me, that I could "confirm somewhat" in a education system that doesn't like to "change or teach different styles of learning" to accommodate an ADHD child. More educators need to hear your talk, and I will influence my "educator friends" to check out your posting! Thank you so much! WIW
Ever think that the kid won't REMEMBER what they did so they might even deny it with no ill intentions? I used to flub orders as a waiter because the restaurant setting became so overwhelming with too much stimulation that I forgot specific orders that I thought I did 100% on. I had to rely on writing things down really specifically or I'd forget. Also, being a waiter in busy settings is a blessing and a curse for adhd.
I needed that! THANK YOU
i think she's saying that since people meet the behavior of adhd people with negativity it makes it almost impossible for adhd people to validate their struggles and legitimacy of their problems that would seem to most easily solved.
May S Yes I agree with your comment, it's exactly where I struggle
Yeah if I had a dollar for every person that's said I'm MELODRAMATIC I'd be a millionaire, noooo, im just super overwhelmed with the fact you keep ignoring me or leaving me out of things and I don't really care or am mad at YOU I'm just freaking out
I want to comment about the empathy part.
She’s talking about children. And actually. As a child who grew up with adhd. I totally get what she is saying.
She isn’t saying the child doesn’t have empathy she’s saying our cues for when to have empathy are off . (But that’s because cognitively we think differently so what is important to another isn’t always as important to us aka our perspective is different)
As a child who was constantly frustrated because I saw things differently and was constantly forced to conform I totally get this.
And if we instead see the child’s frustration as a cry for help we won’t react in a bad manner but in a compassionate one. I bet if my family knew I was frustrated and not just defiant they would of been a lot more empathetic .
If you teach a child empathy. THey become empathetic. Aka they need to learn to be empathetic. Aka if you are always angry obviously they are gonna be angry. 🤦🏻♀️
Aka if someone’s perspective is different and the way they think is different how can they be empathetic !!!!!?
Show love for children with adhd a lot of times defiance is frustration not actually defiance
I hope that made sense I too have adhd. 😂
Exactly they're speaking about them as adults. As children they struggle with empathy skills especially children with ADHD it's even harder for them to make that connection when identifying and validate others feelings.
This is so wrong! I was diagnosed with ADD when I was 4 years old. I have always had an over abundance of empathy. Even as a child I used to cry and feel the pain when my sister was hurt. I still do this to this day. I'm constantly worrying about other peoples well-being . I always feel terrible for what I have not completed it conflicts me for days. I ask why can't I just find the will to do what is asked of me or meet my goals. Everytime I did my homework but didn't turn it in or failed a class in school. You can bet I felt horrible and confused to why I just couldn't get it done like everyone else around me. I struggled constantly with not being able to complete the steps to reach a goal or not know what steps to take at all. I could not formulate a plan by myself. It is not defiance at all it is lack of direction, focus and interest. I worry that this woman is giving parents the wrong information and advice. She is basically saying make your child feel guilty for not completing what is asked of them and after feeling guilty so many times they will start to comply and do what's asked. If anything this would make someone's ADHD WORSE! On top of the fact that people with ADHD struggle with anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. And those symptoms are not just reserved for adults. This advice could actually be outright dangerous🙁 you can not fully understand the brain and thoughts of a person with ADHD with out having it yourself. Even if you have studied the subject extensively. This breaks my heart that some parents are going to follow this advice and believe that their children are acting out due to defiance. Just heartbreaking 😢
Lack of neurochemical rewards can present itself as having a lack of empathy. It can look different in every case but it is common with adhd.
Everyone saying she’s wrong is lacking in comprehension
I think she might be talking about children with either a mix of adhd and Oppositional Defiant Disorder, or just ODD. often misdiagnosed because they have many overlapping traits, but full disregard for rules and showing no empathy or emotion after that sound like ODD.
I think nuerotypical people need empathy for adhd people who know what to do but lack executive function and our timing blind so struggle to be "normal"
As a mom who has ADHD with a 5yo we highly, highly suspect also has ADHD.. OOOF. Relatable on all accounts 😫
People with ADHD are actually proven to be generally more empathetic than the average person??? I’m genuinely confused 🤷🏽♀️ I think she’s confusing empathy with something entirely different
To her "rule following" = Empathy.
I think many people here are confused about what empathy actually means. Being able to perceive the emotions of others is not empathy. In fact, many people with ADHD are overperceptive, and will often see emotions that aren’t there in others. My only experience is with my 12 year old son, but out of curiosity; do you often ask people how they’re doing, and listen to their response? If someone looks upset, do you ask them if they want to talk about it?
@@katieandnick4113 yes I've noticed small talk isn't something we're good at. It's a social skill everyone needs to have or develop. I'm 27 and i just got diagnosed with ADHD and I've always had problems with initiating conversations or check up on my friends and ask how they're doing. I want to learn and hopefully through therapy and medication i will heal and learn to do better.
@@dinkin_flicka14 I’d suggest you focus on therapy and stay away from medication, especially stimulant medication. Doctors generally don’t prescribe stimulants to people who were diagnosed as adults anyway, but if they want to, be very careful. The side effects can be horrendous, and because we are told that ADHD is a neuro developmental disorder that people are born with, rather than a group of symptoms that manifest as a result of trauma, combined with a certain type of personality, we end up discounting the need for high quality therapy(very hard to find now), and leaning on medication way too hard. Good luck
@@katieandnick4113 though it really just depends on what you and your doctor think is best for that person in particular. Though it is good to think it through and weigh all of your options. Sometimes medication is necessary. Besides sometimes people aren’t diagnosed because they get over looked. Other times I feel like some doctors and parents jump to ADHD as a conclusion too soon without further investigation of what else might be going on. I would start with therapy and plenty of tests of many things to make sure and if medication was needed to function to put into use while going through cognitive therapy.
I am 21 years old, about to turn 22. I’m rocking on my bed sobbing right now. I have ADHD.
I would argue that most children are bad at empathizing with adults as they see adults as unphasble and immune to those feelings until they get older. Therefore ADHD children don't understand how they affect others. They just see adults get angry with them and they don't comprehend why.
I have ADHD and am overly empathetic, to the point of being overwhelmed by the feelings of others.
Do you often stop and think “what they’re going through must be terrible. I wonder how I can help” and then offer to help?
Thank you for explaining this, I broke down and cried because I have ADD too, so it’s difficult for me to comprehend this
Im a first time parent and he’s eight now.
I really dont mean to be agitated at him not understanding responding knowing because it reflects as not caring… but he doesnt have the capacity not to care. He’s a good sweet kind little guy.
Im slowly but surely learning how to respect him in the way he deserves, because everytime I don’t understand or lack empathy because of my condition; im not even respecting our condition.
I wish I lived a life where I could afford not to have double the parenting for the rest of my life, and the ability to be the mother that allows him to learn how to grow up to understand himself, know he is loved always, and be able to go out into the world strong and kind… maybe even have more time at home with him but alas… there is no rest.
I will continue to do my best with the tools I have;
Including what I was just given by this video…. Knowledge and understanding.
Really hoping nobody’s takeaway from this is “people with adhd need to be more empathetic, or they aren’t at all.” because that couldn’t be farther from the truth. While I completely agree that people should be more compassionate towards people with adhd (her especially considering her misinformed view) I don’t agree with the fact that she’s basically dubbed every person with adhd as unempathetic because it makes it easier for her to comprehend why some kids have a hard time with emotions. She’s categorized all of us because of her SOLE EXPERIENCES with like 3 kids..? Then had the audacity to claim to a large audience of people that she gave them insight into the brains of people who completely disagree with what she’s saying. I hope the audience feels she’s just as delusional or at least confused and misinformed as some of us with adhd are.
Great talk!
Love this speech.
Some school do not care and they tell the parents their kids struggles and they let them figure it out...this happen to us. My son didnt get the services he need it to help him at school. We r getting an out evaluation soon. It took me 2 years to figure it out.. hoping for the best from this IEE FROM THE neuropsychologist.
My mom has add and so do i and when I forget stuff I can say something without getting scolded because she understands because she’s also forgotten her homework every day
I would like to point out that a lack of empathy may be true of some but not all people with ADHD are. I personally am very empathetic. I do sometimes not pick up on social cues. However, it’s not right to say that all kids with ADHD aren’t empathetic. Because that is not an accurate representation of all of us.
This doctor has absolutely hit the nail on the head. She explained so much of exactly what I went through as a child in school. As I look back, I only now have the capacity to understand just how much of a lack of empathy I had towards myself and others. Even while medicated since the second grade, I simply could not but help myself to rebel against whatever unstimulating environment my teachers created, as a result, most of my teachers genuinely HATED me. Her discussion on the matter is a much needed dose of reality to many teachers everywhere.
I am a single parent who raised 3 boys who had ADHD...it is hard
Adhd makes you over emotional very often not empathetic. I live with family who have ADHD and they are exhausting. I thought they were all assholes until by accident by sister learned about this disorder at work and shared some information with me.
Hi my son has adhd he is 18 now and still have problems please help me out with a group.
I'm pretty sure I am ADHD, I'd have to say one of my H= Over sensitivity to others emotions at times. It too is exhausting. The checking out things that other comments mention is a very familiar sounding thing.
Sensitivity to the perceived emotions of others does not equate to empathy.
But she isn't talking about the child being unempathetic- she said SHE found it hard to have empathy for her child. until she was faced with his struggles.
She said ADHD people not only lack the capacity for empathy for others, but also for themselves. Which is wildly untrue and problematic on many levels.
Am requesting for sponsorship for my family please
Indico para as crianças com TDAH o livro JOÃO AGITADÃO da Ed. Caravansarai.
I'm sorry but this is completely wrong and only describes one version of ADHD (which none include lack of empathy). There are 3 types people can present as 1. Hyperactive 2. Inattentive 3. Combination and it can present differently in various people. As a kid, I followed the rules, tried my best to listen to the teachers and was a people pleaser. I hyperfocused so much on certain things but struggled with others things I found less interesting, but still tried my best even though attempts were not always successful. I would forget things but then also remember and memorize every single detail of others. I was the girl who was always worried about bothering people with my problems and feelings, and would be the one people would confide their struggles to but hid my own. Also just because someone does not show things on the outside does not mean they are not screaming on the inside. One thing people seem to forget is hyperactivity is not just "OH SQUIRREL" or getting a bunch of energy. Alot of times it's our minds racing to the point of exhaustion and then we feel so mentally drained that we can do little else and go into avoidance mode where our brains try to stay away from anything it deems to be stressful or could be stressful. We feel so much and that we end up exhausting ourselves. On top of that, about 75+% or more of those with ADHD have something that is called Rejection Sensitive dysphoria, which amplifies all criticism and sometimes can be so overwhelming that it makes us shut down. It can also make people feel more deeply for others, to the point they may feel what others feel. What may seem as a face of calmness, may actually just be a learnt habit of masking to try to meet societal standards of norm and not addressing their struggles properly can lead to other conditions such as depression, anxiety, hypertension, EDs and more. While you may have good intent, this sort of information can be incredibly harmful and can lead to people not getting diagnosed as well as having parents devalue the feelings of ADHDers. With someone who has a neurotypical brain, they may hear something hurtful and move on soon after. But for ADHDers, especially when they hear some sort of criticism about themselves, it can be a repeating negative thought that can follow them for a long time. Even if you don't see how what you are saying could hurt your child, doesn't mean that it wasn't hurtful, and intent means nothing if the actions do not reflect the intent
My son is going through this and he is taking medication for this vynance 30 mg
wtf, both me and my brother have adhd and we are most empathetic people i know
ADHD causes a lake of empathy?? I’m sorry, I’m the most empathetic person I know. To the point where it’s a detriment, I’m always thinking about others and not myself. It’s why I have anxiety, especially in social situations. I think this is an example of male symptoms being used to define ADHD.
Women and girls with ADHD often do not exhibit the most obstructive symptom of ADHD, mostly female ADHD behavior is inattentive, rather than hyperactive and therefore also inattentive. I'm glad you commented because I absolutely agree, we should maintain a difference between ADD and ADHD as two separate conditions. You seem to more symptomatic of ADD.
I was diagnosed with ADHD about a month ago and all my life my parents told me that they loved my empathetic side. ADHD does NOT cause lack of empathy. You are wrong on that. Now I have heard from my psychologist that we with adhd can be very creative in varying ways, however I can't give adhd the credit for that
So you went through your entire childhood without symptoms severe enough for you to be evaluated earlier? That sounds more like BPD, especially if you’re female.
Sounds like it's actually the average person who lacks empathy for those who have ADHD.
I am so upset she is misinformed and is misinforming others on our empathy. I’ve been diagnosed since I was 13. And there is absolutely no lack of empathy in me. I hope those who watched this also read comments.
ADHDers' brain were wired differently, that's why our Attention Development History Differed(ADHD) from others.
It sounded like she was describing a psycopath rader than a person with ADHD
This is SO poorly stated and frustrating. People with ADHD do NOT have decreased empathy. We understand why something is important and WANT to do it but have trouble executing it. I was praised for my empathy. I was always asked why I could spend hours helping a teacher and caring for others and then can't remember to clean my room. We just have trouble taking care of ourselves and teachers and parents are the people affected because that's partly their job too. Just because you struggle to have compassion for your child doesn't mean people with ADHD are defective sociopaths. My undiagnosed ADHD was used as an excuse for years of abuse and a label would have been great to know. "Have some level of compassion for your kids" the bare minimum from parents. And by the way- ADHD is usually passed from a parent. So please, shut up.
What a load of crock. Dear parents of ADHD children, please disregard this talk. Please.
She's criticizing her son for showing no remorse when not completing a tast? Claiming it to proof a lack of empathy? This gets me so angry. Good for him not to apologize! What for? His brain structure? Being himself? He would do nothing but constantly feel sorry for the rest of his life if he were to apologize every time he couldn't meet someone elses standard for his performance. Uuuuuuuurrrgh!!!
I have a big sister with ADHD. She is very much in to Buddhism. She is lacking empathy and is blind to interpersonal nuances. Moreover she is very dominating . I think she believe is further towards "enlightenment" than people like me. I'm at that point were I'm thinking about totally avoiding her in the future.
Any good advice?
Great video - this is exactly what a mom who's son is struggling with ADHD feels like.
So have compassion for people with adhd because they’re too unempathetic to understand neurotypical people…? Who she repeatedly calls “complex” insinuating people with adhd are simple or lesser. After watching this I’m questioning how accurate or truly informed some of the other Ted talks I’ve seen are. If this air head can misinform 100+ people who else have they allowed to do it.
ive only watched up until 5:05 but literally getting the vibes that this person just doesn't understand or empathize with people with adhd because all she perceives them as are willingly disobedient children
What??? Please watch “How to ADHD” RUclips channel and learn from someone living that life. Our brains are not like other peoples. We try and try and try and try... and are told that we have “so much potential!” We grieve the loss of your faith in us. We are very emotional and empathetic, and we live in the moment. Our prefrontal cortex is not developed the same as neurotypical people’s. Our lack of executive function is frustrating to us. But when you ask an ADHD kid why? They don’t know. That is the source of the shrug.