Pre T Jitters: Dealing with Fears and Anxiety about Loss
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- Опубликовано: 10 сен 2024
- I am interviewing Cole (Channel name: Cole Hayes / @itscolehayes ) and I encourage you to comment with your support. Are you anxious about transitioning? Have you undergone HRT and dealt your fears and anxieties? What kind of support is helpful? What is helpful to know about transitioning? Do you lose friends and family? What do you lose? How do you deal with it? I love this guy and I think he is doing a good job taking his time and I already see the man he is. He is on a good path for sure!!! Thank you so much Cole, I'll be keeping in touch!
Dude I'm sitting here near crying watching this because I can relate to this so SO closely, this is literally what I'm going through right now... I wish you luck dude, only the best stay by your side forever, you'll keep your true friends and you'll gain support from new ones. Huge changes are hard and its a process, just be confident and true to how you feel. This goes for everyone. Its like soul searching, only you can do it for yourself. No one else can tell you who you are. Its your journey, follow your heart and feelings and see where they lead you, everything will be figured out in its own time.
Forest, I love your advice so much. The part where you talk about how people grow with you and you have a say in how they feel about you was something I wish I could've heard a few years ago. I actually just made this account to comment on here, because I felt like I absolutely needed to say this. For Cole, there's a poem I thought of that he could read called "For My Young Friends Who Are Afraid" by William Stafford. It's beautiful. Also, Forest, as an outdoorsy, contemplative guy, I feel like you would love William Stafford in general. Thank you so much for all your amazing insights.
Thank you so much Dylan! I think for New Years I will print out that poem on fancy paper and give it to Cole as a gift! I am very moved by your comment and by the little detail that you made this account to share-- it's very touching. The poetry, the poet, your desire to share... this is what it is about. This is why I love making these videos. There is so much wisdom, connection and care out here in this virtual space. THANK YOU!!!!!!!
Cole - great name. You already look awesome man. I went through therapy for about a year before I started T because I had many fears about losing people, about what I would look like etc. Finally my therapist told me at some point you have to take a blind leap of faith to the other side of the stream. To man-land haha And once I did it I never looked back. Good luck buddy and just know that many of us have felt the fear you fear. I though I was gonna have to live on a farm for my first year on T as I thought I would look hideous (true story!)
Thank you! Your encouragement is awesome. It does help to know I am far from alone on my feelings.
What a fucking AWESOME video, thanks to both of you guys. I recognize all these feelings Cole is expressing from pre-T, but I had totally forgotten about it now, 3 years into transition. Changes are scary! But we grow so much. To deprive ourself this growth would be a crime to ourselves. Take your time Cole, youre on your way:)
It's interesting to be able to look back and remember all those different parts of this journey. Now we can be big brothers.
I had to come back to this video, cracked me up about my fear of having acne and being covered in body hair...definitely both things things happened pretty hard haha. Man, this feels like forever ago. You're the bees knees, Forest.
Great interview, Forrest. Cole explained my exact feelings pre-t. And I think you explained very well how things pan out after you start T. The fear of starting T was overwhelming for me. I worried about making the wrong decision, but after actually starting, it was very validating and I don't worry so much about the effects T will have like I did in the beginning. For me, I felt like I had gotten used to what I saw in the mirror even though it didn't align with who I am. So staying that way was a safe option to me. And deciding to transition was scary. What I would say to Cole is that if you decide to start T, go into it knowing you can quit if it isn't right. The changes happen so slowly that you have time to determine whether it is right for you. Once I started experiencing changes, I liked them and wished they would happen more quickly. For me, that validated my decision to start my physical transition and also to continue. Sometimes the most difficult part is taking the leap to become who you truly are. It's healthy to go slow and make sure this is what you want, and I applaud you for that, man! Good luck with your journey
That was hitting on a great point-- once the changes start you really do want them to go so much faster!! The nice slow pace does create a feeling of safety and control in the process. It's always interesting reflecting on the beginning, that is why I love this video and reading all these memories and experiences shared in the comments. Thank you!!!!!
Very recognizable. The fear of the unknown. Also the space that Cole is in. Thanks for talking about this Cole, this touched home and made me realize a few things. I also appreciate your calm and understanding approach Forest, very soothing. Being one week pre-T (how bizarre to even write that), this was what I needed to hear. Thank you both and I wish you all the best on your journey Cole. Take your time, things will get more clear.
Thanks for your great supportive comment! Each one of us is paving the way for the next. You two are on this journey pretty close together. Have courage and continue being the great person you are! New things are always a little intimidating but surprisingly transition is a pretty even pace of life! Good work and thanks for the love!
***** This is so sweet seedofthenorth, thank you, thank you... I will pass this on to Cole.
Another wonderful video Forrest. I've known I am trans for the last 8+ yrs and yet I still don't know if I will ever transition. I'm terrified of the unknown, much like Cole and identify with so much in this video. Thank you both!
The Unknown! More powerful than a sword! Good luck to you my friend, and thank you for watching. You are doing whatcha gotta do. Did you see the interview I made with Allen, he also took about 8 years and it's fascinating... we all have our own timelines.
I love your videos Forest, they bring alot of insights. Peace out Mate!
Thanks so much Pedro, it's great to be able to share these things, and have such great conversations!
My mother became a very terrifying person when I disclosed to her that I wanted to transition... I can never relate to people who say that family members always come around. I don't think she's the sort of person to change her mind, but even if she surprised me, I can't live my life waiting for that, and I don't think anyone should; people either come around or they don't, but you can't let them hold you back.
Yes, the lesson is to be able to separate yourself from the reactions, opinions and fears of others. The nice thing, is you will always be surprised because of that same separation that protects you from them. Anyway, thank you for sharing this advice.
Forest, thank you THANK YOU for doing these interviews and having these conversations. Peace brother xx
Charliessays yo Bro! Thank you for finding these videos. It's comments like yours that keep me going.
I'm in such a similar position right now. I'm 23, I want to go on T but I'm scared as hell. Unfortunately, I have unsupportive family so thats hard. But I really identified with this video so much.
You are very brave Remi! You are the same age as Cole and life is overwhelming-- without the support from family if can really slow things down, just internally. But everyday you will be closer to knowing just what to do. Keep watching videos, know that you are not alone in your fears, know that people come around with time-- especially family, because they WANT to love you, they have it in them to accept you, sometimes it's just hidden. I am glad you are watching and keep up the good work!
"Don't let your fear decide your fate."
I remember some quote that was like, "Worry is like praying for the opposite of what you want to happen." Anyway, thanks for chiming in!
Hey I just wanted to say that I really appreciate the honesty that both of you have about your thoughts and journey and your experiences, its really helpful and inspiring, so thank you.
Thank you for your comment and your kindness. Honesty is vulnerable, but so healing!
Cool interview again. I loved your supportive suggestions at the end Forest. I'm sure you were helpful.
:)
This is a good discussion. I needed this right now as I'm also just in the beginning stages of transition (doctor's visits and such). :) So I have a lot of the same worries as your friend. But in terms of gender expression, I want to keep an androgynous style but pass as male all the time if possible. I don't know how to make that work but that's my ideal situation... Good luck to your friend. I think having community helps, like having other trans friends to talk to, even online if not in person. I think I'm going to lose my acquaintances... the ones who are extra traditional/conservative kind of people but I honestly don't care cause I don't feel comfortable around them anyway. Close friends will stay and support you. ^^ Another thing that might help is finding others who are in the same stage of transition as you while you go on this journey.
Those are very helpful points. I am glad you brought those up as well as shared some of your own story. To have some trans connections to share feelings with during the time of change is so helpful. Our trans brothers and sisters understand us so well and it's always nice to blow off steam and anxiety together I think.
ClosetTransgender Yes, definitely :) Especially in person if possible (like by attending a trans group in the community or by finding a friend who lives in your city online and then meeting) ^^
Forest - regarding comment below about accents - for about a year I thought you were German!!! Living in Germany! Should have seen my mates face when I said "that German guy Forest"
That's so funny!!! I'm just an international kind of guy!
I can relate really hard to Cole. (Except the androgynous part, I'd be pretty okay with that). I'm just now working out who I am and I'm really scared. My family is very open and fine with my sister being lesbian and me being pan, but I'm scared that this will be "too far" or something. Especially since we're such a close family. My brothers and sisters are pretty much my only and closest friends, so if I loose them, I'm basically alone. I've also got a weird fear of not being "good enough" to be a guy. I know this sounds terrible. But I guess it's just because I've idolized guys in movies and stuff and I always thought that they were like untouchable, like I could never be them, when they were all I wanted to be. So now that I see that I could be like them, I get scared that I'm like undeserving or something. It's pretty dumb. But it's there. I think part of it is because I'm kind of immature and I feel like that's more acceptable as a girl it's seen as creepy in a guy. But I feel like part of that is because I haven't been able to mature in the way I'm supposed to and that once I'm seen in the way I'm supposed to be, I'll be able to grow more into myself. Idk.
Thank you for sharing this. your feelings are easy to relate to and understand. Dare I say, "classic?" Isn't it strange to imagine a thousand or more transgender people have probably expressed these exact same worries? Specifically the feeling of not being deserving to be a man, of being rejected, abandoned and alone... I am here to say: you do actually deserve to be yourself!
Let me tell you, the fear you have of being rejected is because you live your family so much. Be proud of your love because it gives you this feeling of wanting to protect your family-- and right now you are acting under this idea that you are a danger to your family? Like they literally could not handle you expressing a basic part of your identity? You think that it's more important for them to know a version of you that you guess they would like-- even though you suffer, instead of YOU being comfortable, open and honest about who you are? By hiding you don't even give them a chance to love you entirely, does that make sense. From the outside you family sounds awesome, accepting and strong. If you are tight now, you think they would be willing to let you go? In these situations you need time to first get a little more comfortable with what you want to share, because you will be their teacher and guide. They will not judge you, that is merely a reaction, ideally they will look to you for: what's next, what do we need to know to support you. And you need to take the role of teacher because you are the expert in all things you. If I were to give you an exercise I would say this: practice in your mind what you want to share and practice them responding exactly how you dream they might. Write down a way to come out and hold onto that writing until it sounds like how you feel. Being transgender is not scary, but sometimes people have reactions of fear. Your job is to be the bigger person, to do your homework-- because you can see from my story, and that of others-- we can live happy and successful live, nothing scary here-- anyway, it is your job to address fears of others-- with your own confidence and understanding of what you need. This time on earth is your time to grow into the person you want to be, you will not be someone's child forever.
+ClosetTransgender Thank you so much :)
Great advise Forest!
Thanks buddy! I keep thinking about more things to say, or better way to say what I did... I guess I was trying to say: People don't just stop loving you!!! Even if it feels like someone pulls away, love is not easily removed from this beautiful world! In Cole's case especially he needs to believe the acceptance he is receiving from everyone around him, he needs to feel that acceptance inside himself. He's such deep thinking guy, I think he already knows this, but feelings takes time and he's letting that process happen! Thank for watching.
i would recommend to start reasonably low dose as the changes come so gradually, it is really easy to cope with if you are nervous and feels super natural. i started just over a year ago on 250mg injection (sustanon) once a month and then went up to 250mg injection every three weeks which is still considered by some to be a low amount (i am in the uk and in america and canada, the doses seem to be higher and watching USA guy's videos, their changes happen so fast in first six months! enviable yes but i was nervous to see my appearance change very rapidly even though i was impatient at the same time to change). my changes happened very gradually over a year but have noticed a lot - reasonable moustache after 9 months to a year, thickening of waist to lose hips, overall muscle with almost no gym, leg and stomach hair also in last 3 to 6 months etc. My T levels are in the normal male range even on a low-ish dose. If you start gradual, you are less likely overall to hit the negatives i think, ie. mood swings, aggression, hair-thinning, acne- all the things that can potentially come with a higher T level. i have had none of the negatives and the minute i started, almost 100% of my gender anxiety disappeared. the hardest time was the scary pre-T times when i was on the cusp of starting. they make you wait quite a long time in the UK (almost 2 years from first appointment to prescription on the free health system- some people even have to wait longer). best of luck to you cole and forest, excellent buddying to a younger trans man! i really love your closettransgender channel and it has been consistently helpful to me over the last couple of years so thank you enormously and hurray for the community!
Thank you for reminding us about the slow route, because there are the different paths to consider. In the US, not only do transguys forget about this option, the doctors themselves often push the high dose as if they are following a one size fits all manual. Anyway, I like that you've added your experience here, and I will make sure Cole sees some of these recent comments, because people are sharing valuable things here! Thank you for that.
This was so helpful. I haven't come out to anyone in real life yet but I'm considering transition, but I have so many doubts. Other people on other channels have said that they never doubted anything and didn't worry about superficial things like looks, and that if I'm worried about things like body hair or balding I don't count as trans. So this made me feel a lot more...normal, I guess.
Also, where do you guys live? I'm having trouble placing the accents
That's how I felt. I thought maybe my fears somehow made me "not trans enough" which is false. However you are feeling is valid and you are who you say you are. I live in the Seattle area...ish haha.
Cole Hayes Isn't that funny that we have accents? LOL! These are wonderful comments... I feel so exotic right now!
Cole Hayes Thanks for replying!
Wow, I was way off. Like, wrong continent
Hahah where do we sound like we come from?:P
Cole Hayes I was thinking Europe, but I couldn't place a county. My uncle has been travelling between Finland and England for most of his life, so he has a strange halfway accent - and you both sound exactly like him. It's strange that the two accents should sound so alike. I'm embarassed now, I could't really have been much more wrong
Do you think at all like things maybe in people's life that aren't the greatest to them, "flaws" so to speak (self claimed or put onto us) could be in a way be blamed in part because "I haven't transitioned yet" so like you aren't done growing yet so it's ok to be flawed.. but in taking the step to transition and taking steps to be the person you truly are maybe it's possible to think all these flaws have to be dealt with or go away (for example when transitioning you turn into this perfect version of yourself) and the fear of bringing those flaws with you or having to deal with them and get rid of them totally is part of the fear? Basically what I'm saying is maybe there is fear stemming from anything you find not so good about yourself that you can possibly blame on not transitioning yet but the thought of transitioning and becoming this person you are meant to be means that you may carry some of these perceived flaws with you tainting who you want to become? If so I'd say people are always flawed to themselves or others and not to worry about it because once you become the person you have always wanted to be those things you once seen as flaws will take the back seat to the greater things to come and eventually maybe even disappear altogether :) Great video
Thanks for this deep thought bro! I think you are saying, you see Cole as wanting to be perfectly ready before he starts hormones, but the deal is that no one is ever perfectly ready-- no one is ever perfect. Everyone must accept the flaws and go with it? Cuz I agree! And like you are suggesting, and even when Cole himself said something like: I look forward to being a man because I feel like I will be able to relax.
Then it's like: Well give yourself that gift! Give yourself permission to be that man who has less anxiety, because it is in your grasp! You take that step!
He is so close. And I am very thankful that you commented. Thanks for sharing!
Dude I'm sitting here near crying watching this because I can relate to this so SO closely, this is literally what I'm going through right now... I wish you luck dude, only the best stay by your side forever, you'll keep your true friends and you'll gain support from new ones. Huge changes are hard and its a process, just be confident and true to how you feel. This goes for everyone. Its like soul searching, only you can do it for yourself. No one else can tell you who you are. Its your journey, follow your heart and feelings and see where they lead you, everything will be figured out in its own time.