Stop getting unsolicited advice
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- Опубликовано: 11 июн 2024
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Key Points
00:00 - Stop getting unsolicited advice
00:19 - Why people give unsolicited advice
01:31 - Scripts to use
The longer I live the more I use the phrase ‘it’s none of my business unless I’m
Invited to contribute’. I used to be a lifelong ‘fixer’ thanks to very early programming and I’ve learned the hard way that I have to take responsibility for any interference on my part. It doesn’t matter how well meant it is, if it’s unsolicited we need to back off, and even apologise for it. It’s not easy breaking life long habits but it was one of the changes I needed.
Ahhh the unsolicited advice sometimes it comes from people you don’t know and without warning or conversation. I’ve had people try to ‘help’ me when I never asked or said anything to them. It’s very frustrating.
those are called trolls
This happens to me a lot
Not anything?
Yeah I’ve learned to only help people if they ask! Also am very careful about who I go to for help. I stopped going to family members because of the negativity. I built a healthy support system where u feel safe and vulnerable!!
I was the queen 👸🏾of giving unsolicited advice… and now I know to just listen when someone comes to me with a problem. I also know what to say to someone who gives me unsolicited advice. I like #3. “ I’m really glad that worked for you I’ll keep that in mind
Good job on becoming self aware on this and making this change! ❤
I think I avoided unsolicited advices by not sharing much and not asking for permission to do anything. I remember years ago I saw online woman asking for reassurance abt decisions she was about to make. Some of the answers were SO MEAN. People wait on you to doubt yourself so they can project their insecurities.
Before I take advice from anyone I ask myself where they are in life and where I am. Do I even want to be like them in any way?
So true!
How do we get people to stop venting to you all of the time? Most people don’t ask if you have the capacity to listen to them vent and will just dump their problems onto you on sight! Some people think it’s just normal to go around talking about all of their problems not realizing they are draining peoples energy.
That’s the reason I ended a 10 year old friendship.
That’s why I haven’t got friends . I blocked them all I could t deal with this any longer
Exactly!
I told a guy
( someone I didnt know (not the first) who started with no asking just venting to me IN THE DOCTORS WAITINGROOM WHERE I MYSELF WAS FOR MY HEART ... sjeez! )
the following:
"I am not the one who can help you with this. Not only, but not in the last place, because I'm waiting here for something -with my heart-, (hello!)! This is not what I can do for you, maybe a doctor can."
I had to repeat myself! (And, I also told this guy what *we* COULD talk about together, like something more lighthearted. Only because I knew that could be something for us two)
He said he understood, but still tried to get it in. Untill I told him once more, and I also told him, that he sharing sht about that what other ppl place on him and now he dumping it on me, to like stop that stuff. (All) Ppl should rly go to the right place for that. And then he stopped. And told me I helped him (with this boundary)! Because he didn't have it, he was sick. He could use it himself, with others.
I mean, I was pleasantly surprised with that. I hadn't experienced that before. Boundaries that make dumping ppl so happy!
I curently tell ppl all the time when I am not the one for something. And I could maybe add, that they should ask before even starting.
I think its totally inappropriate on such to demand/expect me to be anything they want, like, to 'just listen'...... what am I, a trashcan ? No! You don't own me, what is this?!
Something I learned over the last few years is that I matter too.
My father used to do this sht all the time to me. I was conditioned into that just giving to him (emotional parentification / emotional incest). And, like that was empathy. My father acts entitled with it though. He finds he should get that. On a few things he said sorry (like talking about my mother in the bedroom ...), but, he is one that says sorry and doesn't change his behavior. And he isn't even always that nice to me.
Basically, I am taking care of me, and I give like a fountain. Can't pour from an empty cup. If you wanna take inappropriately from me, not getting from this fountain.
A bunch of ppl have started finding a proper place for something. And some people got a divorce from their partner after decades, after I gave them boundaries and went no contact.
What I havvve done a little while back, is asked the local authorities to publish a guide with resource for ppl for various help. Its not that I don't want ppl to get help, just that I can't help them with everything. I hope that helps in my neighbourhood :)
I would love to see a video on this similar to this one, as this was SUPER helpful!!!
I would try giving them some unsolicited advice and either they'll listen to you or maybe they'll stop "confiding" in you? all of their own?
partly kidding, partly not,
but completely relate to your post! ❤😊😜😀
I had an 11 year infertility struggle before having my daughter via IVF. That was the worst time in my life for unsolicited advice. It came from people who had absolutely zero experience or insight into infertility, or how it felt/it's effects on me. I know they did it to make themselves feel better, because they felt uncomfortable with the pain I was in. The constant advice caused me to shut down and further isolate myself. It was a miserable, lonely place and having people just listen would have made a huge difference, I'm sure. But nobody could ever listen without dishing out their advice, as though they were the first person to suggest it and it was so profound 🙄 if only I had a pound for every time someone suggested adoption!
Right there w/ya. And still trying to conceive. 💜 @whiggygirl
I love these scripts! I am set on living a more authentic life but as a person who comes from a narcissistic family, I do not know HOW to express myself confidently and politely. Sometimes, i just need a dictionary of Human. Many thanks for these useful phrases, Dr Lapera. I will definitely be using them in the future.
Samee!
I so relate 😭😭😭
I hate when my family tries to control me, by telling me what to do with my life when I tell them an issue I’m going through. They tell me to leave that person and start to tell me all the awful things this person is. I hate that they want to rob me from my own experiences or the lessons that I have to learn for myself. I know that maybe, it could be that they worry about me and want my highest best for me, but they just reaffirmed me that I’m weak and that they need to protect me from harm, and I don’t want to feel like this. When they tell me this, it makes me feel awful and I start to resent them for it and I stop telling them my things. 😢
It is vicious cycle. You share one thing with them, but then end up regretting sharing. They do that because they try to help you, but instead of that make you feel like a complete looser. Hopefully you can resolve your issues on your own.
SUPER frustrating ❤ I feel you
We’ve become “fix it” focused. I’m that way. I had an agreement with a friend to ask each other if we needed to vent and share or toss around solutions. It worked really well.
this is great! ❤
I started incorporating the first one into conversations a while back, I really like being helpful and help boost confidence, but it started having that negative effect where my girlfriend didn't feel listened to. So, using the first one, we are learning together to point out the wanted result of the conversation, advice, or just venting. This is ESPECIALLY useful since I am autistic, and reading conversations can be VERY difficult. Thank you for the other three, I am definitely going to use those!
Unfortunately, my sense of agency was so shrivelled (buried under hypervigilance. Mother's criticisms of me, reactions and mood swings were always erratic, unpredictable) that I did actually want folk to tell me what to do!
This made me such a drain on friendships, I now see. I know I alienated so many lovely people. I understand now that I was trying to parentify them. Sad.
So, I find the language and phrases in this vid an excellent baseline, for boundaries I guess - not just for folk I'm talking to, but for myself also!
Thank you 🙏
I think this can go both ways and is important to also point out that some advice even unsolicited advice can be life changing.
I can specifically recall a conversation I had in one of the worst times of my life. If I had just listened to that unsolicited advice I would be where I wanted to be today if I did.
Sometimes "unsolicited" advice, can just be advice. Maybe you need advice even though your not ready to hear it. Doesn't have to be taken so personally.
I also think alot of people go to their family and friends for advice, but may not ask for it b/c they are not conditioned to ask for help.
I personally feel its best to listen, see/hear the person, and give advice, wanted or not wanted. If they dont want it they can tell you. I dont think its healthy way of communication to just sit there and nod, agree with everything someone says if they are being destructive in their lives.
I can think of so many situations where this is steering people wrong. I feel like we are placating to overly sensitive people and making mountains out of mole hills. Its almost to the point where we need permission to say or do anything these days.
Healthy people help people in healthy ways.
Other people often have great ideas, maybe they do better in life and they could steer you the right direction too. I also feel like people nowadays take ofense in everything, they will call you rude because they don't intend to listen to you, and they often rude themselves, it's projecting.
I sometimes do like to hear other's advice and opinions, if they bring value to my life. Although not keen on advice that tries make me feel worse that I already am. It is a balancing act.
@@babycakes8434 yes I can agree to what you stated. It can be a balancing act. But how much of it is our own perception of the advice that is being given and how the person giving advice to use comes off to us in our perception. Maybe we take it negatively bc it’s triggering us. But that trigger in itself is a message to us on thing we may need to work on ourselves.
@@dank311 Definitely. Well said. I think we take advice better from people who we respect and like, and we refuse advice from people who we don't like as much. Interesting that is is often not about the quality of advice, but what person is giving it.
I was never taught any healthy responses so this is very helpful!! I am happy that I can now learn on my own!!
❤
Well put. The motivation is often to be helpful and show concern. People who have been in that kind of pain, they don't want others to linger in pain.
But by the other side, the worst is someone trying to steal precious time of your life by dumping their personal problems on your when you have gone thru similar and know what to do, but then you share something that could be really helpful, they answer back with "I don't need your advice right now". If you don't want my advice or help, don't dump your crisis on me, go ahead and pay a professional to listen quietly while you vent for hours.
While remaining neutral I have responded with - Thank you for sharing your perspective or experience........ I'm glad your solution worked out for you.......what an interesting way you reached that conclusion - main thing is to stress you/your to them and leaving their stuff with them no need to take on anyone else's energy and then just move on physically, change the subject, or turn around acknowledging the convo has ended.
Hi,
I just wanted to say that now I’ve done some therapy for a long time, when i get an unsolicited advice, i realise how much i’ve done this before to anyone who wanted to share something with me. And i’m soooo sorry for these years of non listening what these person needs.
I now try to understand that the person who give me advice i don’t need, and until now i just didn’t know what to say to them ! Thank you for these tips :)
This is such a thing lately. I just wanna be seen, I want company. I've been very alone and abandoned since my relationship ended and friend passed... I feel alone and need to talk to people, but often I may not have people to talk to ... or I may post a status update just to let it out. I am not afraid of vulnerability and I'm an open book - but what hurts me is when people try to MINIMIZE my struggle, implying my pain is some personal failing I must go address in solace, but most of the time, it's the incredibly isolation itself that is causing me distress. I don't find it kind. I find it presumptuous and it implies to me they think I'm NOT working on myself or healing "right" and that THEY are in a better spot than me because they don't share the same problems. I know that's not the TRUTH of what they're saying but rather it can FEEL that way to me. I know it's meant well. I think sometimes though, what they say can make us feel ashamed or invalidated.
I totally understand what you're saying. I'm going through the same thing 😢 You expressed yourself very articulately in the comment. From just this comment i know you're emotionally intelligent and trying your best to work things out in your life. I'm sorry that people were often so minimizing, invalidating and disrespectful to your struggles. I see you. You're completely valid ❤
Can't imagine how tough it must be. The last thing someone needs is such an action towards them. But you put it so well, I honestly felt every bit of what you said. I hate it so much.
Wish you a good life
Hmmh
I'm sorry for your loss, my condoleances
Understandable that you can feel alone
And it can suck that you can feel alone and don't like it & what happens on what you can do on such
Well, not everyone to whom you can speak/share can give you what you want or need, and I guess that like that it not been in the right context.
We are all different (and not just that, that we can process and respond in our own way, we also all have needs). That the way it is.
You could ask a person to (respond in a way that fits on you), but to just expect and demand them to (unsollicited in itself), such, is pretty unconscious and/or (situational perhaps) entitled-like (irresponsible) behavior aka something that can work sabotaging. You are unnecessary hurting, at the very least yourself, like that.
Any random people is not just qualified and nor their particular job to be your .. I don't know .. whatever it is that they are wanted to be.
I am not gonna unsollicited advice about how to take it from here - to what would fit for you.
Take care and good luck 🍀
This is helpful. I am guilty of doing it to others and I am in a place now, where I don't want advice. The scripts are great.
I am the one who always wanted to give advice to help people, to give them ideas and solutions. It was due to that fact that I felt that nobody helped me I needed it. Then I started to hear about unsolicited advice, and how people don't want that. So I stopped.
I think not everybody is the same, I personally wouldn't mind it much if you would advise and definitely not if I can use it. Apparently there is ppl who do.
I wrote these down for future reference, and also took note not to give unsolicited advice out. I’m definitely one who is working on not being a savior to all. Thank you Dr. Nicole 💕
I like your first script, bc it also gets wearing to hear repeatedly about the same problem, when the person is ignoring obvious choices that could help
this can be frustrating for sure
This was such a good video to hear! I've caught myself giving unsolicited advice especially when i see my loved ones going through the same things over and over. I appreciate this and will definitely be more mindful!
❤
As someone who has been on both ends I needed this video.
I personally despise unsolicited advice because sometimes comes from people that are micro-controlling or love to compare. Sometimes people don’t get that I just sometimes want to talk about something personal because I want to just vent.
As an ex-people pleaser this is also something that I’ve learned, sometimes some people need to come to their own conclusions. Even if you have advice, you can’t help nor is your responsibility to save every person from their causalities.
I find myself at both ends: receiving unsolicited advise as well as giving unsolicited advise. The way to deal with it on the giving end that I implemented for myself and started asking my closer friends to mirror as well is: when someone is sharing/venting something before saying anything else, I ask them "are you looking to get some help with solving this, or are you wanting to be heard and held in this right now?".
It offers the other person the choice without either of us feeling we're unappreciative or closing off or rejecting anything and the way I've experienced it so far, it very much helps keeping the space between us open, flowing and deep while fully taking in whatever it is the other person needs at that given moment.
Yes, this drives me crazy, I end up not sharing any problems with most folks, because I just can't stand their unsolicited advice. It drives me crazy, and I want to say (and sometimes do) - so you really think I haven't thought of that? Especially, after I have researched something for years and get the most basic advice which I never asked for in the first place. I find this to be ignorance from the person, and makes me really question why I am even talking to them.
My mom does this a lot! ❤❤❤
Omg I'm the unsolicited advice giver and I have been working so diligently on stopping this pattern.
Sometimes it's a message for our soul journey when it comes out of nowhere
For our soul to pivot away from that individual.
@nicoleb9117 yes can be. Or learn from the situation instead of canceling them. It's there to show us something. Most likely an opportunity to share a boundary or ask for what we want. Owning it. I feel like.... vs what can be projecting you make me... we are moving away from blame (b-lame) or shame communication styles we were taught ✨️🫶 we are worthy. And therefore, so are they. Even if you need to take it to a soul level to figure out why you're a match. Like a battery. Avoidant / anxious
I would love for people to say any of these things to me when I am giving unsolicited advice, to help me to become more aware that I am doing it. I really just want others to be happy ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
I really needed to hear this right now… I give unsolicited advice 😢 now I know…thank you so very much.
I am an unsolicited advise giver… I now ask.. do you want help or a hug.
Is that a typo & you meant to write tug?
@@carpathianken no… help means advise, hug means listen
@@tallspicy I see. Thank-you for your reply & explanation. You seem like a nurturing & caring person.
@@carpathianken I try! So do you
I love this! I've received the "do you want advice?" without the last bit, and it felt really distant/dismissive. So also something like "do you want help or just support or a listening ear?" are great ideas!
I’m someone who shares with others because of the three first reasons. But if someone gives me advice that doesn’t resonate I might say. I’m glad that works for you. I might look into that. Although I have my tools already that help with that. Or I might say I don’t think that’s something I want to do but thanks for the suggestions . I’ll keep it mind if I think it may help someone else I know. We are all so unique. There never just one thing that works for everyone.
Well said
Yesyesyes, bloody hell i just experienced this infuriating encounter the other day and it made my blood boil, because I didn't ask for their knowing more than me solution.
super frustrating
My parents are like that. ❤. If I feel bad they think that they need to fix that.
I like the 1st and 3rd scripts 🙂
I give the advice of compartmentalize to cope when overwhelmed but in hindsight they are more ordered than myself.
This is why most of my family knows little about my life because some pple will not stop giving unsolicited advice even if you have told them before 😬
I give it often from caring place and when i receive one feel cared 😊❤️☀️🌙
I love your videos!
I think I'm the one giving a lot of unsolicited advice for most of the reasons you mentioned. 😅
It irritated my bf a lot and I didn't understand what I was doing wrong! What worked for both of us would be asking questions on how to respond like, "do you want me to give you rational advice or listen to your emotions?" Or tell each other the intent beforehand like, "I really need to vent off" or "I have a problem I want to know your opinion".
I've been a problem solver / caretaker my whole life so expliciting it was really the only way I could wire my brain in another direction for the conversation.
Made wonders for our couple.
And here I am, at the end of this comment, realizing I'm again sharing an experience that worked for me/us when nobody asked.
I swear I don't do this on purpose 😅😅😅
It is good to want to help and they can be helpful. Sometimes you don't know what to do.
This is the confusing part to me. Sometimes unsolicited advice can help someone recognize something so obvious that they might have overlooked because of their overwhelming negativism. But most times it is just hurtful, so how do we balance this is my question
@@mertserozan7268I think it would be reasonable to just kindly/sensitively offer in a casual way in advance "Is this something you'll want my take on (or "Would you want my input, or would it feel more helpful if I just listen?") Or afterward, you could say, "I can hear how frustrating this is for you - some ideas came to mind about what could help, and if you decide you'd like me to share them, just let me know."
I am a person who genuinely cares about people and if they said any one of these, I will respect that and just listen. Even if I am dying inside wanting to give you something that could help you.
I can’t wait to use the last one with a certain close family member 😂. These are so helpful-thank you!
I am one of those people...i watched this video for myself! I did not realize people don t like it. I want to help with their struggle, because it was my role in the family to fix and help my alcoholic parents
Thanks for the perspective. I'm the one giving advice all the time, in recent days I have realized that maybe I'm making the mistake. Now I guess I need to ask if the person only needs to be heard. On my side, I never get advice even when I ask for it. Life is unfair. I only get complaints and I'm just pretty tired to be other's people trashcan.
All Nicole's stuff has helped me SOOOO MUCH🙏🙏🙏
When I receive it, i then doubt that whatever I’d already decided to do is wrong, that I’m wrong, that my choices are bad and then I get frozen and dont take any action at all. I know that the advice i received doesnt feel right, but i dont feel confident in or trust myself and my decisions. Ive been conditioned to think that advice givers are always right and somehow see and know things about me that i cant. I already feel like i dont know myself, so when someone questions my judgment by giving unsolicited advice, i melt into a puddle of doubt and fear. Of course when i give it, i feel like its my duty to help everyone at all times. 🤷🏻
Thank you. This sort of guidance re: learning the language of what to say in these scenarios is something many of us need - and is much appreciated.
If it is unsolicited advice for health condition; especially chronic illness, autoimmune disease, immunocompromised, or other permanent disability (whether it is a visible or "invisible" disability); I like to reply with, "I appreciate your concern; I have a trusted team of doctors and specialists who are working on my medical treatment with me." If they get upset, that is on them, not your problem.
I feel like I overshare inappropriately and make them feel uncomfortable. So, they dont know how to respond and just give me advice.
I feel foolish judged and at times dismissed because I'd prefer to be asked how do you feel instead
Wow. This video was unexpectedly solicited advise. I did not yet fully realise that I would have solicited this advise, if I had spent more time contemplating this recurring frustration
I would like if everybody were so direct. Because then I would respond: "I am not interested." Maybe I also give unsolicited advice, but that's because i hope nobody is sharing his emotions or problems just so... because he or she wants to babble... So if someone gets unsolicited advice, it's his fault, honestly, I can't feel bad about that.
I don’t deal with it well. I have to draw boundaries but after I’ve let resentment build so it doesn’t always go smoothly
I suggested that a family member not to ask her fellow coworkers where they are from because society doesn't think it's a great question anymore. My sister in law got angry and told me she didn't want my advice and couldn't wait to tell her boss. My bad I know, I didn't want to have her called into HR.
You did the thing, society & the workplace is constantly evolving. For our own good conscience & standards we still have to sometimes risk tactfully letting people we respect & care for something they might be oblivious to. If they get angry then they might need to adjust their ego or work on developing some emotional intelligence.
I use humor more than anything to divert the advice giver
Thank you so much for this, I’m a recipient of this but also guilty of it.
I’m going to use it immediately ❤
Thank you. I appreciate the advice given. It is better than people telling me to shut up and threatening me. This is good to know for later. I have a habit of dumping/venting without awareness due to flashbacks. Any advice on bringing somebody out of post traumatic flashbacks without escalating it?
Managing post traumatic flashbacks is the responsibility of the person having the flashback/trigger. It’s a do it yourself inside job. Therapy teaches skills.
These are great scripts. Thank you so much! If I heard a friend; co-worker; or stranger on the bus talking about the pain they suffer from unsolicited advice I think I would want to pass them on. Ask for permission first? I think the world needs more win-win scripts.
So grateful for this video
Very much appreciate and needed to hear. Thank You ❤
❤
I LOVE this channel! I always find the exact videos I need at the exact right moment in my life, thank you so much!!
I love your blouse! Thank you for this video I needed to hear this today
Thanks Nicole 😊
Soooo needed!’
these are really great ideas!!
I have chronic health issues an am so sick of unsolicited advice. I have tried everything including holistic therapies, as people demand. I now try to be upbeat and “normal” when having a setback from allergies, eczema, arthritis and Menieres/hearing . It is just easier for me. I still have a friend who is always sending me videos from Instagram, TICTOK and RUclips regarding little things I must do daily to improve my health.
I will be honest, it is really hard to not become a recluse again.
Thanks for this perfectly timed video and suggestions. I am 69.
I have chronic eczema & my boss's wife is a boorish know that instructed me to start using sea salt cream as an eczema treatment. I made it very clear to her that I have a congenital tendency to get eczema flare ups & that I need to stick to treating it conventionally. She rolled her eyes & called me closed minded so I put a layer of the sea salt cream on & it instantly started burning like acid.
She is awful. I wish people like that could just spend 24 hours in our shoes.
I have a lot of trouble making female friends (I am a woman). The biggest reason is unsolicited advice. All conversations with women end in less than five minutes because sooner or later, almost every woman I meet starts to give unwanted advice, and I simply shut down.
I don't have this problem with men, perhaps because men don't hand out advice so freely to women. But friendships with men have other challenges. One always has to keep a distance, because so many men tend to confuse friendliness with romantic interest.
It would be really nice if you could make a longer video on this topic. Here are a couple of questions that perhaps you can answer?
1. How does one not lose respect for someone who is always giving unwanted advice? Especially in situations where one hasn't shared any of one's problems voluntarily, but only responded honestly to questions like "How are you?" or "How is your kid?" or "How are things going with you?"
2. How does one keep the conversation going or redirect it to other topics?
I totally asked the universe for this 😊
This was some good information
thank you soooooo much!!! this is such a help
One of my loved ones is very narcissistic and can only see their point of view. They would never respond well to this or understand. If and when I have a different opinion it is always wrong.
Not going to lie I love receiving unsolicited advice and I love giving unsolicited advice
My wife's brother dated some girl who we met up with for the first time at a diner. She didn't know me 5 minutes and was giving all kinds of advice and judgement to me about why I am not living together with my then-gf as if any relationship over 6 months should be shacked up and cranking out babies.
there is one thing that is not taken in consideration here though: even when i expressed these phrases to others who i knew they would jump into giving me unsolicited advice, the problem was that even when they dont say anything, THEIR ENERGY STILL SAYS IT ALL. I can immediately feel their body tensing and them wanting to still say something but holding it in. However, their body language and their vibe changes and instead of feeling better because ive expressed the truth, i now feel worse because i am basking in their negative thinking energy. For anyone who doesnt know what im talking about (if youre an empath youll know), is just like when you step into a room where someone is really angry or sad and you are hit by those feelings in the air, even when they dont speak a thing. Its the same here. Just by telling them not to share their unsolicited advice, you can still read it all over their face when you tell them. They just cat take it in and their body is showing it in a non verbal way. If you are sensitive like me to these vibes, then is better not to say it to those people. This is why i stopped sharing my issues with others. No matter how much they want to not give me their opinions, they still are, by just responding energetically to my words. If i consider that a person's beliefs are not serving me, then i wont say anything and just choose either a therapist or my journal to express it.
I say that's one perspective.
We can observe and don't not need to absorb them.
Especially if I don't interact with them often. If it really bothers me, I'll share my perspective and that I am not interested in the help
can I have a video on how to keep to myself the absolute best advice ever even tho the person I'm taking to desperately needs it and obviously doesn't have it?
this is painful not having an answer to this! 😅😂😊❤
To each their own
I am just gonna take your word for it that apparently some ppl feel that way, I myself honestly don't follow fully, I guess we're wired differently or something
🤷🏻♀️
I am a woman, and yes I definitely can have empathy and am not co-dependent.
Might openmindedness have anything to do with it?
I usually can enjoy peoples advice, gives me new ideas and sometimes old but well it could have been a new one if I didn't know it alrdy.
Advice only a bit annoying to me when ppl underestimate me, or, tell me do something when I alrdy thought of and shared something I myself will be doing and what they shared is so not fitting me, but usually not the case.
Actually, when I talk to ppl about something its to have an interaction, not to just listen to me.
If someone wouldn't say anything, just listen, I would probably think they are not equipped to get it and/or support me.
..To be clear: I'm a very independent, self sufficient person, and if I want I could do practically everything of the daily life alone incl some possible traumatic events (I studied about trauma or whatever I could need) .. I usually / most of the time do it .. but, more ppl know / can do more, like the sum of the parts, and, love is cool, so like that.
You know, listening it is what I can do to & with myself, I mean, the whole point of another person is what they can bring 🤷🏻♀️
And I don't understand whats up with the just listening, like, I actually would love to know how I can prevent people, particularly random ppl, from telling me about all kinda of their personal stuff like I'm their therapis; not just because I'm retired from inappropriate sharing with me (experienced parentification), I thinks it rude (and more so because of what they can be sharing, can be heavy load), as if I myself don't matter or something, like no asking if I am open to that.. sigh .. and well then dont mind me giving some unsollicited advice, when not only something can be fixed AND I hadn't sollicit to such position to hear it.
I can give such stuff, because, I can like problem solving, so lets get a win/win out of this loss. People do usually like my view or advice, kinda like lightbulb, they tell me, thank me.
It's not that I'm always up for giving advice, I can say they not at the right place for that rly and I usually avoid ppl I know will just dump on me.
No I don't always give advice.
But, with ppl I know, I definitely am either an active listener (who will interact) or I give a hug.
Like I said, I can hear advice 🙃 And I will take this one/video with me, about how some ppl work as such
Ppl in the streets told me so much about their problems & needs, and I saw so many problems, that I went to the local authorities and proposed them to make a guide with resources in it that can help ppl out, to give to everyone. Which they did, and they posted it to the whole neighborhood. Technically unsollicited given (just as that what they shared, but anyho').. but: ppl can check themselves in it in the case they need something. Handy me think. (Also, not everyone knows of what they don't know about.)
I am not doing anything more on that there.
00:00 - Stop getting unsolicited advice
00:19 - Why people give unsolicited advice
01:31 - Scripts to use
I do that sometimes and receive it sometimes. My way I deal with it in offering and receiving is ask more questions. Ie, I hear that you are "xyz" and I want to help if you are open to it.. how can I help? Then they can say whether that is wanted or not. The other way if it's headed my way, is either set the presence.. I just need to vent right now as I work through "xyz" and I just forgot the last one, but you get me. 😉😊 THANK YOU for thos video share. ❤
Sometimes the advice is so obvious, like bring your meditation with you to a new doctor and giving details! Duh, I’m 59 years old. What’s an answer to that?
i didn't know this was bad
Can you do a video about what to say or do when someone tells you something but doesn't clarify if they just want to vent or if they want advise.....I sometimes try to ask after they say their thing but sometimes worry that it sounds bad to ask what type of support they are looking for.....
How about making a video titled “how not to give unsolicited advice”?
so one of the keys of boundary is speaking up directly what we want, right? Is there any special tip for speaking up straightforward without hurting who we speak to?
Seems to me a boundary is a limit, a fence, and speaks more to what I don’t want. A “No.” Asking for what we want is assertiveness.
Adults are capable of being disappointed. We teach people how we want to be treated.
What's unsolicited advice?. I'm recovering from Codependency and I know I have in the past told people what they should do. Instead of telling people what they should do can you help them problem solve. "Have you tried"?
I experience that as unsolicited advice, personally, unless I have invited it with, "I don't know what to do!" Then "have you tried..." might be helpful
Do they care though?
Do you really need to vent?
🌈👏👏👏
Any advice for the other hand?
From Sharon Martin, LCSW:
Why do I want to offer advice right now?
Is there something else that I can do that would be more helpful?
Is there someone more qualified who could advise this person?
Can I let them decide or figure this out on their own?
What else can I do to reduce my anxiety or discomfort?
Can I accept that my ideas aren’t the only good ideas?
How can I be supportive without giving unsolicited advice?
Can I focus on listening and understanding instead of fixing and instructing? Would this be supportive and respectful?
When people talk about a problem, the other person thinks they’re seeking a solution. If they just want to vent, they need to pay someone to listen to them vent. Especially when they talk about the problem repeatedly. It’s very frustrating when a solution is obvious and the person isn’t interested in solving it but just wants to bitch.
These kind of people have a name: askholes!!
They don't want a solution to their problem they just want to wallow in their own neurotic self pity. Even if there was an answer or a cure they wouldn't want to know what it was.. they're nuisances. They just ignore all advice and get angry when we get frustrated. They're askholes
Nice clothing
But when im like, "Ah, Ok." Im an asshole for "not really caring." 😂
This ironically is unsolicited advice
Nah, disagree. This is like picking up a self help book in the library.
How do you keep RUclipsrs from giving unsolicited advice? RUclipsrs, I am not looking for unsolicited advice. RUclips, I don't need your advice right now.
I will not be polite with people that give unsolicited advice on things like weight. If you do that, you deserve to be told off. Not sorry.