Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
Everything said in this video is true for me. When I did set boundaries, my elderly mother did all of that. But now I "let her be unpeaceful", and I become more and more peaceful.
Jerry I wish I had a million dollars to donate to you. I am the adult child of two narcissistic parents who abused me emotionally, verbally, and financially for most of my life. I am currently setting boundaries with elderly nmom who is blasting me with guilt and fake medical emergencies. This is very helpful.
Good luck! If you don’t be prepared anyway for punishment in her will. My younger sister never saw that coming & nursed them both till the end. No good deed goes unpunished by a narcissistic parent
“Expecting for them to acknowledge your pain will keep you in a cycle of unmet expectations.” “You will never get the justice you deserve.” “If we let go of that they will be less likely to control us with the hope and fantasy of justice. I’ve needed help to hear this to let go of this fantasy. Thank you
My dad was born in 1916. He was a black man and he was born and raised in the south. He was a vet and a narcissist. He was violent, strict, and old-fashioned. He raised me. I couldn't do certain things. I couldn't say no, I couldn't set any boundaries, and I couldn't speak up for myself because he wouldn't allow it. He would threaten me or hit me. I was verbally, physically, sexually, and narcissistically abuse by him. I now have ADHD and C-PTSD due to childhood trauma because of him. In 2002 when he died, I didn't feel sad, angry, or glad. What I felt was relief. I am now 49 and there are some things that I regret. But I can't change the past. I am now getting some help from a therapist. And it's going to be a while for me to get heal.
I resisted trying to out mean them. They had so much more practice at it than me. I went no contact at my earliest possibility. And they never understood. OK. I learned this, much later: "Never wrestle in the mud with a pig. It wastes your time, and the pig likes it."
When your narcissistic family angrily reacts to your request for boundaries, ask yourself, Would I behave that way if I were a parent? I also learned that a narcissist will replace you within a week 😂. They just move on. It’s hard to face the fact that they don’t love you. It took a long time for that to sink in. It’s very hard to accept. And of course, others will never understand.
Jerry, it's almost the end of the year and I want to thank you for all of the great work that you do. I'm coming out of a very stagnant, confusing, and difficult period of life. Your videos have helped me tremendously the last two years. Your videos always remind me, I'm good without the drama of these people. Thank you for doing the work that you do, you are savings lives.
My mother never changed any of how she acted on me no matter what I did. Not one bit of it. I realized either I would keep being miserable around her or have to give up. I gave up. When I left the country to go overseas again in 2006, I simply never contacted her again. She was at a loss without my address and seemed to be unable to figure out how to contact me. All she had to do was contact the USG and they would have told her where I was and how to contact me. She couldn't figure that out. So that ended it. No more insults, nasty cracks and asides, harsh judgments about everything I did, constantly clucking her lips and putting her arms up in disgust at all of my words or actions, or pretending she was superior in every way. It just ended. And I never looked back.
Very important to remember: Boundaries are not an attempt to change them. Boundaries are for us. To protect and guard ourselves. There was one time where I did see significant change for the better when I laid serious boundaries. But again… this cannot be the motive for setting the boundaries. We cannot change people, places or things.
@@laurasmentek1395 well we might be able to change places and therefore the people we are going to do life with and the things we don't like or want having influence on us in a toxic way.
Mr. Wise....I wish I could jump through this screen and hug you!!!❤😊 YOU ARE AWESOME AND THE INFORMATION IS LIFE SAVING!!! We all thank you, kind Sir!!!!
It is tough during this season celebrating peace …some people do not enjoy peaceful times …”Let them be unpeaceful “ I am not going to be successful explaining myself to them …arguments lead nowhere …great advice …lower expectations…do not expect them to change
- 00:00 🎯 *Don't expect immediate acceptance:* Narcissistic parents often resist or test boundaries, as they thrive on control. Expecting quick understanding can lead to disappointment. - 00:37 🗣️ *Don't over-explain:* Explaining boundaries in detail gives them room to argue or manipulate. State boundaries firmly without justification. - 01:41 🛡️ *Avoid arguing or defending:* Engaging in arguments can lead to gaslighting or blame-shifting. Stay calm to prevent escalation. - 02:07 💭 *Don't expect them to change:* Set boundaries for your well-being, not with the hope they’ll change, as narcissistic parents rarely do. - 03:04 🧘 *Control emotional reactions:* Narcissistic parents may provoke emotions to regain control. Stay composed and detached. - 03:38 🚫 *Don't apologize for boundaries:* Apologizing weakens your stance and gives them leverage. You’re entitled to set boundaries for your mental health. - 04:11 🔄 *Be consistent:* Inconsistent boundaries confuse narcissistic parents and invite repeated tests. Maintain firmness. - 04:58 🎭 *Ignore guilt trips:* Guilt is a manipulation tool often used by narcissistic parents. Stay resolute and don’t let guilt compromise your boundaries. - 05:43 🛑 *Don't overreact to sabotage:* Expect smear campaigns or drama as retaliation. Stay focused on your boundaries without justifying yourself to others. - 06:30 🌩️ *Don't expect empathy:* Narcissistic parents often lack empathy and prioritize their needs over understanding yours. - 07:07 ⚖️ *Avoid manipulative tactics:* Responding with manipulation escalates conflict and fuels their need for control. - 07:34 🌱 *Prioritize self-care:* Setting boundaries can be emotionally draining. Recharge and seek support to maintain resilience. - 08:34 ✅ *Accept lack of closure:* Narcissistic parents rarely provide validation or acknowledgment. Focus on personal healing instead. - 09:21 ✋ *Don’t compromise for peace:* Keeping peace at your expense fosters resentment. Stand firm in your limits. - 10:05 🧩 *Develop inner boundaries:* Work on detachment and reducing how much their feelings about your boundaries matter to you. - 10:39 💡 *Expect resistance:* Pushback is likely. Stick to your boundaries despite objections or temporary compliance. - 10:59 🔁 *Use the broken record technique:* Reiterate boundaries calmly and consistently without wavering. - 11:34 🤔 *Reflect on fears:* Examine potential downsides or fears holding you back from setting firm boundaries.
It's really hard to not get angry or react when your parents disrespect your boundaries, especially if they appear simple minded and kind of clueless about how boundaries work, especially at their age. They don't seem interested in learning about deep, thought provoking things. Most of the people I've met who are around their age seem more intelligent than them, appear to have more common sense than them, more likely to have deep meaningful conversations, appear to have more wisdom. Sometimes I ask myself "why aren't my parents as smart or as interesting as them? ". When I tried to explain boundaries to my parents especially about how I had the right to keep my bedroom door closed whenever I want and theres plenty of evidence online, in books, even tv shows and movies that show what I do and why I do it is perfectly normal especially as an introvert, they took it as disrespect and that I was listening to people who were a bad influence. They felt keeping my door closed often was isolating myself from them. I got extremely angry, exploded, felt like my opinions didn't matter. I felt like a narcissist with the way I argued even though I knew deep down I knew what I was doing was right but I struggled to explain as well as everyone I learned from. My mom even said that you can find anything on the internet to defend what you believe. And they have done guilt tripping plenty of times when I got angry with them. Yes, they have done plenty of good for me in my life, I can't deny that. But lately I feel I am being manipulated by them so they can avoid what they said or did, as though what I am upset about is not as serious as how I believe it to be. They really seem to have this mindset of thinking parents are generally good, that they usually can do no wrong. While I don't think they are narcissists, they do appear very ignorant and simple minded.
I am sorry but I think they are. I don't know how old you are but this is how my story kinda started. I wasted my life away being manipulated by my "generally good" "ignorant and simple minded" mother. Then one day, after a mountain of drip drip evidence I realized what she was, how I was abused and lied to all my life. In front of me she played the role of just that, a simple minded old lady and let me believe I was the problem, that I was cruel to her because "she tried". When in fact behind my back she lied, villified me to the familly and sabotaged me. When I learned the truth (after years of being here for her) it crushed me. Get away, for your sake. Narcissist who looks like sweet old people are still narcissist. They are emotional vampire and professional victims. You may think : "it's all right I can take it, they are my parents after all, I am not a monster, I am not going to leave them beacause they are not perfect" like me. But now I only have regrets, and I wish I had gone no contact decades ago. Wish you the best.
@@charlotteinfj4412 You're spot on, I thought the same about my simple long-suffering grandmother. She used me as her maid and therapist while completely ignoring my needs and feelings. when you wake up to the true reality, you are worn out, having wasted years catering to the poor old lady.
Honey, all the examples you shared are sadly, documented narcissistic traits and behaviors that you are dealing with. Even so,, they can still have good hearts somewhere underneath it all. Which complicates things. But that doesn't mean their behavior and treatment of you is Healthy OR in your best interest. Keep taking good care of You. 💞🙏💞
Don't give up. Speaking from experience. There is nothing they can ruin you cannot rebuild ...even if it takes forever. Mine stole everything But I'd rather be struggling to get my life on track. She can have all the money and all the glory. Good luck. We r all in this together with Jerry's help and positive comments.
Sometimes the boundaries don't work. Only a no contact boundary works in some cases. How many times are we supposed to be or even can be the healthier person when they ignore or shoot past our boundaries over and over?
Thank you so much!! I struggled through this with my parents then 3 relationships. Now I am currently trying to help my daughter with the same. The cycle must be broken💜
In solidarity with those engaged in practice to enlarge our capacity for perspective widening, lifelong learning, emotional stewardship, embodied physical wellness, peaceful conduct, and ethical relationship cultivating.
I thought once I showed some sort of limitation they would realize their mistakes, I was wrong because my boundaries met resistance. I was shocked because how do you fight back someone not wanting to be disrespected? Now I say “no” firmly without remorse or guilt, I don’t explain myself either.
The way you said, 'it's terrible'...I feel the same way and know there's nothing funny about growing up with these lug nuts for parents, just you got a chuckle out of me... ❤
I definitely needed this video as I’m currently in the process of reinforcing my boundary with my mother. She wants to talk about me deciding to go no contact. I agreed but only with the condition a therapist would be present. To say she doesn’t like that idea is an understatement. According to her “I’m trying to force her into therapy.”
Going no contact...is just that...making the decision then implementing it with no approval or permission from the Narcissist. They will try everything to take back control and back you down. Hang in there❤😊 No contact is FREEDOM!!❤❤❤❤
I just left. Didn't try to get her to understand what she had no intention whatsoever to understand or agree to. 1,000 miles and an answering machine to filter calls worked great. This did NOT make her happy. But then, she never was. I was out nothing, the peace and relief were wonderful. And the main thing I felt when informed of her death was relief. I was safe from her, finally. Not to say no contact was, is, easy. It's A LOT of work, taking care of yourself because there's no backup. But incredibly worthwhile, OMG yes.
By limiting contact and mastering your emotions you will achieve the best result. It's ok to say no. It's not ok to treat people badly whatever reason. Manipulation is done with purpose. Bad deeds are not to be rewarded. Do not seek revenge
They both hated me doing positive groups so I wouldn't be manipulated by them,as they were negative but making out they weren't? Narcisstic wasn't sadly identified around then but it still explains how they were a bad influence & never had my best interests at heart despite their constant banging on about it!! They never have & never would & it's my life so they just have to lump it as they don't like it I control my own journey & haven't ended up in their clutches anymore as they only ever put me down so I was meant to listen to feel bad as they were trying to always control me through low self-esteem they wanted me stuck in
FANTASTIC!!!!! Once again Jerry ...all the dots connected for me. I swear to goodness...you have met my mother!! 🤣 Just what I needed to hear. Appreciate your work very very much.
Jerry Thank you once again. For me right now, I need to listen to this video every day. This is priceless, I mean extremely valuable! Hopefully, I will change and no longer care how the narcissist behaves. Narcissim is present before old age, my covert narcissist Mother does not have dementia. Her narcissistic behavior is getting worse though in her elderly years. My dad was an violent rage filled Nar. He did get alhiemers. He was worse with the alhiemers but different than mother. Anyway, you are the best. Dont let anyone who says otherwise ever bother you.😊
I can attest all the points presented here ARE true, just like my narcissistic mother used them as a playbook. #11 is very important. Countering tic-for-tac will get only you deeper into the quagmire.
According to Ross Rosenburg, boundaries will eventually work if you keep setting them long enough. The narcissists you interacted with will respect it to avoid getting arrested over being reported attacking you.
I now understand how Pinocchio wanted to be a real person. With Narcissistic parents the lie of who you are to them created soul-ties into what would have been healthy attachments of love and nurturing twisting the natural emotions of bonding to strings like a puppet they can live vicariously by manipulating your feelings to give them an outlet to what they no longer have because they are in solitary confinement within themselves. 💡🤔
This just happened to me a couple of days ago and I got called a two bit whore and unbelievable other things. My heart sank and I will never be the same. I was threatened and I fell and broke my foot and was accused of doing it intentionally.
Oh no Looney tunes. Who breaks their foot on purpose when they have to run fast from a narc attack? Surely one would break a pinky finger for attention in yr situation ❤❤❤
THANK YOU Jerry for Your Videos !!! I’m finally understanding how to set boundaries and then Keep my Peace. I would ALWAYS EXPLAIN EXPLAIN AND EXPLAIN it was ALWAYS taking in Circles with my family. I will KEEP MY PEACE AND LET THEM KEEP THEIR UNPEACE 😂 .. I think I quoted You right !? I have a Sister right Now Keeping her UNPEACE while I’m locked into my PEACE 💃 ✌️ 😂
The hardest part for me, isn't them, it's me, my fears and my guilt. Fear of being without them and guilt over hurting them. I've had to live with that in order to get the small bit of peace I've now obtained. If I had the money and wasn't sick I'd leave the area tbh. This is the best next step, very low contact because there is zero understanding or empathy on their part for my situation. I tried for 2 years to work it out and enough became enough. I spent forever trying to work out if they were toxic or narcissistic, in the end it doesn't matter because they were making me more ill and I was done explaining!
@@bereal6590 That is a healthy boundary to set. Anyone's behavior when addressed and ignored has earned them the opportunity to no longer be apart of my life. They forced us as dependent children to be people pleasers to get what they wanted out of us. Now that we have freedom of personhood and independence (hopefully) we have every right to move away from what is stagnating our ability to thrive. 🫂💕You got this 💪🏼🤨!
I really need to accept that I will not get the closure I need with my parents. I keep trying to explain to justify the boundary and they don’t respect it. Somehow I got sucked back in and got upset on a phone call today. It may be time to go no contact completely to heal fully
Agreed it never worked when staying with my mom and trying to live with her hoarding issues. If I dare call her out on her hoarding, she'd get offended and say I was being mouthy. It was easier to limit interactions with her then explain things like you mentioned
Thank you Jerry. Your videos come along at just the right times. You’ve supported me for so long and provide the perfect content right when I start questioning and doubting my self. Thank you for providing strength and clarity ❤️
Your Self Differentiation Tips are marvelous insights. I think this is why I enjoy your work alot more than others on the net. It is not just about describing what Narcs do but also about how to heal yourself & move on. That is always the difficult part. Thanks again. Love your work.
Not being cought in expecting empathy, understanding, closure and justice, from them - the narcissist siblings, who are doing all to maintain the system, after the death of my parents ( maybe also a theme you could speak about ..?) - are the most challenging parts for me. Letting go of false hope and expectations…
All so true…experienced all of this. Here is what would happen to me: I set a boundary and then my mother would test it by the tiniest of infractions and if I call her out on it then she acts like it is such a small thing and I’m blowing it all out of proportion - I’m “making a mountain out of a molehill”. Yet, if I let her get away with that tiny infraction, the next incursion across the boundary is much larger! It builds. It was this attempt at shaming me about making a big deal out of something small that always got to me…until I finally smartened up. lol.
Setting boundaries is fine, but what happens if theyve been ignored for your whole life? Ive moved interstate multiple times through my life and cant escape. I cant switch my phone off or block them, or even ask to stop contact, or else theyll play the "we thought something terrible happened to you" card and hunt me down.
I might have to go to an Alanon meeting.. There are way too many people where I live that need to be saved, fixed, and cured.. I need to know what is in my hula hoop and what is not..
Hey jerry, could you lay off the narcissistic parents theme for a while?🙄and go back to your original content; like narcissistic bosses, dating, covert,friends,etc..that helps🤷
I feel other narcissist experts on RUclips explain those well. I think it's good this channel focuses on narcissistic parents since it goes into more detail of what to expect and how to deal with it.
![I.N "HALLUCINATION" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/n5B5q1Hwt_U/mqdefault.jpg)
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
In Road to self, do you give de-escalation skills with Narcissist? Or have you done a video on that?
“You keep your peace, let them be unpeaceful.” AMEN AMEN AMEN
Very well said!!!! We must stop trying to change their unpeacefullness. That is theirs to own, our peace, is ours to own.
Everything said in this video is true for me. When I did set boundaries, my elderly mother did all of that. But now I "let her be unpeaceful", and I become more and more peaceful.
@@JJ-sl4tx Ditto that. So relieved to watch the ball served back to the other side of the net and let them deal with it.😅😇
Such a breath of fresh air and relief to find out I'm not crazy. They can truly do a mind trip on you.
That’s the whole point 😉
Wait until you find out how good you REALLY ARE!😁
Jerry I wish I had a million dollars to donate to you. I am the adult child of two narcissistic parents who abused me emotionally, verbally, and financially for most of my life. I am currently setting boundaries with elderly nmom who is blasting me with guilt and fake medical emergencies. This is very helpful.
Good luck! If you don’t be prepared anyway for punishment in her will. My younger sister never saw that coming & nursed them both till the end. No good deed goes unpunished by a narcissistic parent
@ she has no monies so all of that is moot. She takes money from her siblings and tries to do it with me.
“Expecting for them to acknowledge your pain will keep you in a cycle of unmet expectations.”
“You will never get the justice you deserve.”
“If we let go of that they will be less likely to control us with the hope and fantasy of justice.
I’ve needed help to hear this to let go of this fantasy. Thank you
My dad was born in 1916. He was a black man and he was born and raised in the south. He was a vet and a narcissist. He was violent, strict, and old-fashioned. He raised me. I couldn't do certain things. I couldn't say no, I couldn't set any boundaries, and I couldn't speak up for myself because he wouldn't allow it. He would threaten me or hit me. I was verbally, physically, sexually, and narcissistically abuse by him. I now have ADHD and C-PTSD due to childhood trauma because of him. In 2002 when he died, I didn't feel sad, angry, or glad. What I felt was relief. I am now 49 and there are some things that I regret. But I can't change the past. I am now getting some help from a therapist. And it's going to be a while for me to get heal.
I resisted trying to out mean them. They had so much more practice at it than me.
I went no contact at my earliest possibility. And they never understood.
OK.
I learned this, much later: "Never wrestle in the mud with a pig. It wastes your time, and the pig likes it."
😂😂😂! I love it!
When your narcissistic family angrily reacts to your request for boundaries, ask yourself, Would I behave that way if I were a parent? I also learned that a narcissist will replace you within a week 😂. They just move on. It’s hard to face the fact that they don’t love you. It took a long time for that to sink in. It’s very hard to accept. And of course, others will never understand.
This is true.
Everyone stay sane this Christmas❤
Jerry, it's almost the end of the year and I want to thank you for all of the great work that you do. I'm coming out of a very stagnant, confusing, and difficult period of life. Your videos have helped me tremendously the last two years. Your videos always remind me, I'm good without the drama of these people. Thank you for doing the work that you do, you are savings lives.
Thank you for saying so
Have a good holiday season and a happy new year!
My mother never changed any of how she acted on me no matter what I did. Not one bit of it. I realized either I would keep being miserable around her or have to give up. I gave up. When I left the country to go overseas again in 2006, I simply never contacted her again. She was at a loss without my address and seemed to be unable to figure out how to contact me. All she had to do was contact the USG and they would have told her where I was and how to contact me. She couldn't figure that out. So that ended it. No more insults, nasty cracks and asides, harsh judgments about everything I did, constantly clucking her lips and putting her arms up in disgust at all of my words or actions, or pretending she was superior in every way. It just ended. And I never looked back.
So thankful you were able to get some peace again in your life.❤😊 Gives others who read this some hope.
And I’ll bet you always got that “look”!
"you can hear my voice on Friday" - holy heck, THANK YOU!
Very important to remember: Boundaries are not an attempt to change them. Boundaries are for us. To protect and guard ourselves.
There was one time where I did see significant change for the better when I laid serious boundaries. But again… this cannot be the motive for setting the boundaries.
We cannot change people, places or things.
@@laurasmentek1395 well we might be able to change places and therefore the people we are going to do life with and the things we don't like or want having influence on us in a toxic way.
Mr. Wise....I wish I could jump through this screen and hug you!!!❤😊 YOU ARE AWESOME AND THE INFORMATION IS LIFE SAVING!!! We all thank you, kind Sir!!!!
Yes we do!! Merry Christmas, Jerry. Thank You!!
It is tough during this season celebrating peace …some people do not enjoy peaceful times …”Let them be unpeaceful “ I am not going to be successful explaining myself to them …arguments lead nowhere …great advice …lower expectations…do not expect them to change
Peaceful times. Absolutely. The population has surely not forgottebn how to love, surely not :')
- 00:00 🎯 *Don't expect immediate acceptance:* Narcissistic parents often resist or test boundaries, as they thrive on control. Expecting quick understanding can lead to disappointment.
- 00:37 🗣️ *Don't over-explain:* Explaining boundaries in detail gives them room to argue or manipulate. State boundaries firmly without justification.
- 01:41 🛡️ *Avoid arguing or defending:* Engaging in arguments can lead to gaslighting or blame-shifting. Stay calm to prevent escalation.
- 02:07 💭 *Don't expect them to change:* Set boundaries for your well-being, not with the hope they’ll change, as narcissistic parents rarely do.
- 03:04 🧘 *Control emotional reactions:* Narcissistic parents may provoke emotions to regain control. Stay composed and detached.
- 03:38 🚫 *Don't apologize for boundaries:* Apologizing weakens your stance and gives them leverage. You’re entitled to set boundaries for your mental health.
- 04:11 🔄 *Be consistent:* Inconsistent boundaries confuse narcissistic parents and invite repeated tests. Maintain firmness.
- 04:58 🎭 *Ignore guilt trips:* Guilt is a manipulation tool often used by narcissistic parents. Stay resolute and don’t let guilt compromise your boundaries.
- 05:43 🛑 *Don't overreact to sabotage:* Expect smear campaigns or drama as retaliation. Stay focused on your boundaries without justifying yourself to others.
- 06:30 🌩️ *Don't expect empathy:* Narcissistic parents often lack empathy and prioritize their needs over understanding yours.
- 07:07 ⚖️ *Avoid manipulative tactics:* Responding with manipulation escalates conflict and fuels their need for control.
- 07:34 🌱 *Prioritize self-care:* Setting boundaries can be emotionally draining. Recharge and seek support to maintain resilience.
- 08:34 ✅ *Accept lack of closure:* Narcissistic parents rarely provide validation or acknowledgment. Focus on personal healing instead.
- 09:21 ✋ *Don’t compromise for peace:* Keeping peace at your expense fosters resentment. Stand firm in your limits.
- 10:05 🧩 *Develop inner boundaries:* Work on detachment and reducing how much their feelings about your boundaries matter to you.
- 10:39 💡 *Expect resistance:* Pushback is likely. Stick to your boundaries despite objections or temporary compliance.
- 10:59 🔁 *Use the broken record technique:* Reiterate boundaries calmly and consistently without wavering.
- 11:34 🤔 *Reflect on fears:* Examine potential downsides or fears holding you back from setting firm boundaries.
It's really hard to not get angry or react when your parents disrespect your boundaries, especially if they appear simple minded and kind of clueless about how boundaries work, especially at their age. They don't seem interested in learning about deep, thought provoking things. Most of the people I've met who are around their age seem more intelligent than them, appear to have more common sense than them, more likely to have deep meaningful conversations, appear to have more wisdom. Sometimes I ask myself "why aren't my parents as smart or as interesting as them? ".
When I tried to explain boundaries to my parents especially about how I had the right to keep my bedroom door closed whenever I want and theres plenty of evidence online, in books, even tv shows and movies that show what I do and why I do it is perfectly normal especially as an introvert, they took it as disrespect and that I was listening to people who were a bad influence. They felt keeping my door closed often was isolating myself from them. I got extremely angry, exploded, felt like my opinions didn't matter. I felt like a narcissist with the way I argued even though I knew deep down I knew what I was doing was right but I struggled to explain as well as everyone I learned from. My mom even said that you can find anything on the internet to defend what you believe.
And they have done guilt tripping plenty of times when I got angry with them. Yes, they have done plenty of good for me in my life, I can't deny that. But lately I feel I am being manipulated by them so they can avoid what they said or did, as though what I am upset about is not as serious as how I believe it to be.
They really seem to have this mindset of thinking parents are generally good, that they usually can do no wrong. While I don't think they are narcissists, they do appear very ignorant and simple minded.
I am sorry but I think they are. I don't know how old you are but this is how my story kinda started. I wasted my life away being manipulated by my "generally good" "ignorant and simple minded" mother. Then one day, after a mountain of drip drip evidence I realized what she was, how I was abused and lied to all my life. In front of me she played the role of just that, a simple minded old lady and let me believe I was the problem, that I was cruel to her because "she tried". When in fact behind my back she lied, villified me to the familly and sabotaged me. When I learned the truth (after years of being here for her) it crushed me. Get away, for your sake. Narcissist who looks like sweet old people are still narcissist. They are emotional vampire and professional victims. You may think : "it's all right I can take it, they are my parents after all, I am not a monster, I am not going to leave them beacause they are not perfect" like me. But now I only have regrets, and I wish I had gone no contact decades ago. Wish you the best.
@@charlotteinfj4412 You're spot on, I thought the same about my simple long-suffering grandmother. She used me as her maid and therapist while completely ignoring my needs and feelings. when you wake up to the true reality, you are worn out, having wasted years catering to the poor old lady.
Honey, all the examples you shared are sadly, documented narcissistic traits and behaviors that you are dealing with. Even so,, they can still have good hearts somewhere underneath it all. Which complicates things. But that doesn't mean their behavior and treatment of you is Healthy OR in your best interest. Keep taking good care of You. 💞🙏💞
I let them ruined me. 1 boundary went over some limit and it completely destroyed me. I wish I had seen these videos a long time ago. It's a shame.
Don't give up. Speaking from experience. There is nothing they can ruin you cannot rebuild ...even if it takes forever. Mine stole everything
But I'd rather be struggling to get my life on track. She can have all the money and all the glory.
Good luck. We r all in this together with Jerry's help and positive comments.
Sometimes the boundaries don't work. Only a no contact boundary works in some cases. How many times are we supposed to be or even can be the healthier person when they ignore or shoot past our boundaries over and over?
Exactly right!😊👍 Sometimes ya just gotta make that decision and go no contact with some Narcissist family members.
Thank you so much!! I struggled through this with my parents then 3 relationships. Now I am currently trying to help my daughter with the same. The cycle must be broken💜
In solidarity with those engaged in practice to enlarge our capacity for perspective widening, lifelong learning, emotional stewardship, embodied physical wellness, peaceful conduct, and ethical relationship cultivating.
To the narcissist, overstepping boundaries shows closeness and gives them supply
I thought once I showed some sort of limitation they would realize their mistakes, I was wrong because my boundaries met resistance. I was shocked because how do you fight back someone not wanting to be disrespected? Now I say “no” firmly without remorse or guilt, I don’t explain myself either.
Thank you. You really know about narcissist. I listen over and over. You talk ecactly about my parents. It's terrible.❤
You are so welcome
The way you said, 'it's terrible'...I feel the same way and know there's nothing funny about growing up with these lug nuts for parents, just you got a chuckle out of me... ❤
Go no contact,,block them is the only way
I definitely needed this video as I’m currently in the process of reinforcing my boundary with my mother. She wants to talk about me deciding to go no contact. I agreed but only with the condition a therapist would be present. To say she doesn’t like that idea is an understatement. According to her “I’m trying to force her into therapy.”
Going no contact...is just that...making the decision then implementing it with no approval or permission from the Narcissist. They will try everything to take back control and back you down. Hang in there❤😊 No contact is FREEDOM!!❤❤❤❤
I just left. Didn't try to get her to understand what she had no intention whatsoever to understand or agree to. 1,000 miles and an answering machine to filter calls worked great.
This did NOT make her happy. But then, she never was. I was out nothing, the peace and relief were wonderful.
And the main thing I felt when informed of her death was relief. I was safe from her, finally.
Not to say no contact was, is, easy. It's A LOT of work, taking care of yourself because there's no backup. But incredibly worthwhile, OMG yes.
Golden!!! Thank you, Mr. Wise, for sharing your knowledge and talent to all of us. We are very blessed 🥹
So nice of you
By limiting contact and mastering your emotions you will achieve the best result. It's ok to say no. It's not ok to treat people badly whatever reason. Manipulation is done with purpose. Bad deeds are not to be rewarded. Do not seek revenge
They both hated me doing positive groups so I wouldn't be manipulated by them,as they were negative but making out they weren't? Narcisstic wasn't sadly identified around then but it still explains how they were a bad influence & never had my best interests at heart despite their constant banging on about it!! They never have & never would & it's my life so they just have to lump it as they don't like it I control my own journey & haven't ended up in their clutches anymore as they only ever put me down so I was meant to listen to feel bad as they were trying to always control me through low self-esteem they wanted me stuck in
Guilty is one motivator to cave to the Narc. Fear is another one that isn't talked about as much. Narcissist parent's punishments can be devastating!
This is gold!!!
Sadly True. It's a one way street to your own lonely misery. Zero Contact = Zero Conflict 💖 Very helpful thank you Dr. Wise💫 💞🙏💞
FANTASTIC!!!!! Once again Jerry ...all the dots connected for me. I swear to goodness...you have met my mother!! 🤣 Just what I needed to hear. Appreciate your work very very much.
Jerry Thank you once again. For me right now, I need to listen to this video every day. This is priceless, I mean extremely valuable!
Hopefully, I will change and no longer care how the narcissist behaves.
Narcissim is present before old age, my covert narcissist Mother does not have dementia. Her narcissistic behavior is getting worse though in her elderly years. My dad was an violent rage filled
Nar. He did get alhiemers.
He was worse with the alhiemers but different than mother. Anyway, you are the best. Dont let anyone who says otherwise ever bother you.😊
After I set my boundaries for the first time, my mom threw me out of the house because “obviously, our relationship is irrevocably broken”. I was 47.
Haha. Her loss…
@@A93-qg9xj ☺
I can attest all the points presented here ARE true, just like my narcissistic mother used them as a playbook.
#11 is very important. Countering tic-for-tac will get only you deeper into the quagmire.
Thankyou for the great advice and video.
with my family there is no way to avoid hell they create. no boundries can ever work.
According to Ross Rosenburg, boundaries will eventually work if you keep setting them long enough. The narcissists you interacted with will respect it to avoid getting arrested over being reported attacking you.
not in this case
Depends why the boundaries aren't working. They don't work perfectly but depends what the pushback is.
I'm with you. Cannot escape, can't set boundaries. I'm almost 40btw.. I've moved all over the country and can't get away
@ sad
I now understand how Pinocchio wanted to be a real person. With Narcissistic parents the lie of who you are to them created soul-ties into what would have been healthy attachments of love and nurturing twisting the natural emotions of bonding to strings like a puppet they can live vicariously by manipulating your feelings to give them an outlet to what they no longer have because they are in solitary confinement within themselves. 💡🤔
Very well said. Never thought I'd be in this aituation.
Whoa.
Pinocchio becomes Shakespeare
Well done❤
This just happened to me a couple of days ago and I got called a two bit whore and unbelievable other things. My heart sank and I will never be the same. I was threatened and I fell and broke my foot and was accused of doing it intentionally.
I am so sorry. It's terrible to be abused , but so much worse when you can't actually walk away from the abuser.
Omg, I hope you distance yourself from such people and your feet will feel better very soon 🙏
Oh no
Looney tunes.
Who breaks their foot on purpose when they have to run fast from a narc attack? Surely one would break a pinky finger for attention in yr situation ❤❤❤
Dear Mr Wise, this helps so much, thank you! instead of guilt i feel inner peace now knowing i‘m allowed to put these boundaries. 🙏
THANK YOU Jerry for Your Videos !!! I’m finally understanding how to set boundaries and then Keep my Peace. I would ALWAYS EXPLAIN EXPLAIN AND EXPLAIN it was ALWAYS taking in Circles with my family. I will KEEP MY PEACE AND LET THEM KEEP THEIR UNPEACE 😂 .. I think I quoted You right !? I have a Sister right Now Keeping her UNPEACE while I’m locked into my PEACE 💃 ✌️ 😂
Spot on. Thank you for Brilliant observations and advice.
spot on. ☝️ lead you out of narcs saf world . ty🙏
Thank you so much
✍🏼 don't over explain or give reasons
Inner boundaries are key! So true!
The hardest part for me, isn't them, it's me, my fears and my guilt. Fear of being without them and guilt over hurting them. I've had to live with that in order to get the small bit of peace I've now obtained. If I had the money and wasn't sick I'd leave the area tbh. This is the best next step, very low contact because there is zero understanding or empathy on their part for my situation. I tried for 2 years to work it out and enough became enough. I spent forever trying to work out if they were toxic or narcissistic, in the end it doesn't matter because they were making me more ill and I was done explaining!
@@bereal6590 That is a healthy boundary to set. Anyone's behavior when addressed and ignored has earned them the opportunity to no longer be apart of my life.
They forced us as dependent children to be people pleasers to get what they wanted out of us. Now that we have freedom of personhood and independence (hopefully) we have every right to move away from what is stagnating our ability to thrive. 🫂💕You got this 💪🏼🤨!
I really need to accept that I will not get the closure I need with my parents. I keep trying to explain to justify the boundary and they don’t respect it. Somehow I got sucked back in and got upset on a phone call today. It may be time to go no contact completely to heal fully
Agreed it never worked when staying with my mom and trying to live with her hoarding issues. If I dare call her out on her hoarding, she'd get offended and say I was being mouthy. It was easier to limit interactions with her then explain things like you mentioned
Thank you Jerry. Your videos come along at just the right times. You’ve supported me for so long and provide the perfect content right when I start questioning and doubting my self. Thank you for providing strength and clarity ❤️
You are very welcome❤️ thank you for watching
Dear mr Wise, your advice is invaluable.
Your Self Differentiation Tips are marvelous insights. I think this is why I enjoy your work alot more than others on the net. It is not just about describing what Narcs do but also about how to heal yourself & move on. That is always the difficult part. Thanks again. Love your work.
Wow, thank you!
Very well-stated. Thank you. ❤
This is such good sensible advice 🤩
4:10 the EXACT same advice I get in my parenting toddlers books.
😅Has one thinking on what kind of "adult parents" we had.
🥰thankyou Jerry
Love you Jerry
Thank you ❤🙏🏾
Adult siblings +++
What a relief to get the right information
Not being cought in expecting empathy, understanding, closure and justice, from them - the narcissist siblings, who are doing all to maintain the system, after the death of my parents ( maybe also a theme you could speak about ..?) - are the most challenging parts for me. Letting go of false hope and expectations…
Thanks Jerry 🙏
Jerry Wise, you are wise.
All so true…experienced all of this. Here is what would happen to me: I set a boundary and then my mother would test it by the tiniest of infractions and if I call her out on it then she acts like it is such a small thing and I’m blowing it all out of proportion - I’m “making a mountain out of a molehill”. Yet, if I let her get away with that tiny infraction, the next incursion across the boundary is much larger! It builds. It was this attempt at shaming me about making a big deal out of something small that always got to me…until I finally smartened up. lol.
Boundries were a non thing for me growing up, irrelevant in my case, when try to find and set them in adulthood I'm called mean and agressive.
Jerry u have helped me so much❤ luv ya!
So important !
Thak you ❤
Laws work, boundaries don't
Setting boundaries is fine, but what happens if theyve been ignored for your whole life? Ive moved interstate multiple times through my life and cant escape. I cant switch my phone off or block them, or even ask to stop contact, or else theyll play the "we thought something terrible happened to you" card and hunt me down.
Nr 14 - biggest mistake of my life. I lost so much because of it.
I quietly broke all ties with my family. My narcissistic mother blamed it on my wife!😂
Story with my life
"Because I'm your mother!"
My parents won't change... So?
This is very goog. What to do when they invite themselves for visit? I am not keen on hosting them in my home..
👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍👍
Interesting
Giddy-up, let's gallop round the "guilt road" again.😅
Thankyou 🙏
Oh fcke Christmas is coming 🤣😅🥲😎
How about narcissistic spouses?? Feels like i could strikethrough all references to parents and replace with spouse.
Everything I talk about regarding narcissistic parents can be applied to narcissistic spouses as well
Good for the flying monkeys as well.
Can I go visit these people 😮
I might have to go to an Alanon meeting.. There are way too many people where I live that need to be saved, fixed, and cured.. I need to know what is in my hula hoop and what is not..
You are in your hula hoop and that is all. You work on your own well being, do your own inner work and leave the rest alone.
@@annemurphy8074 You got that right..
Are you sure? 😢
🙂👍
Hey jerry, could you lay off the narcissistic parents theme for a while?🙄and go back to your original content; like narcissistic bosses, dating, covert,friends,etc..that helps🤷
Same principles, different cast.
From the "About" for this channel: "If you grew up in a narcissistic, toxic, or emotionally immature family, this channel is tailored for you."
I feel other narcissist experts on RUclips explain those well. I think it's good this channel focuses on narcissistic parents since it goes into more detail of what to expect and how to deal with it.
I'm here for the parent stuff 😄