I agree with vetting cause I went through this. I ignored all the signs. He was rude to his mom, gave her the silent treatment, therefore he was rude to me and gave me the silent treatment.
"Trained and groomed since childhood to stay loyal"... this explains a relationship that went down in flames and I'm so glad I dodged that bullet. Some families are 100% crabs in a pot: they will pull down and hamstring anybody who's excelling or getting ahead. Ladies learn, don't join those families, they will tear you down, too.
They always say that , b/c BM only know 3 phrases. Choose better , who hurt you & single Moms cause all of the ills of society & global warming 😂. I stopped listening to BM's rhetoric, I was getting a headache. BM refuse to listen or even TRY to learn ANYTHING. They want to stay in a room full of other BM , trying to find ways to stop us from succeeding 😂. BM, you aren't smart enough to stop our upward mobility movement. # upward # out 🏃♀️ # bye dusty dan 😂 # we are getting OUT of your reach 😅
Vetting men is extremely difficult because they are watching these videos and learning how to manipulate women. Men are extremely good actors and they can literally fake a whole relationship. This happened to me, i had a guy fake a whole 2 year relationship with me. Even the government has issues vetting men.
Doesn't mean we can't try. Also, women are giving up their bodies and dependency too quickly in these situations. There are so many red flags that will present themselves a whole lot more clearly if the man isn't getting any kitty. You know how they say post-nut clarity? Well, people need to take advantage of the pre-nut clarity too. A man can only hold out for so long, especially within the confines of a coitus-less romantic relationship. People aren't watching carefully _enough_ and that's the problem. There will always be a tell, even if you have to be a detective. Soon as you start liking someone, you should low-key start investigating. Hell, you should investigate before the first date. People will say, if you have to do all that then it's not worth it. Okay then. Don't do your homework and see what grade you get.
It’s just going to keep evolving because the men are aware of the benefits of setting up a situation where they have the partner doing all the chores and paying half the bills as well as taking their bad attitude. Their will be tells but for the most skilled manipulators they will not be listed online and need to be felt out by how the relationship gets eroded from something beneficial to you to something that only benefits them boundaries getting crossed and other tells.
What this young lady said is true. Years ago I was married and my ex-husband and I got into a physical fight. I wasn't going to allow him to beat on me. I fought back. He told me that I am nothing like his mother. His mother would be quiet when she was getting hit. That's a f*cked up thing to tell me. I am not taking no ass whooping. Eventually, I filed for divorce and moved on before I made him be casket sharp. 12-21-2023(Thurs)
Congrats on the anniversary. I wish I was like you when I was in similar situation (his reasoning was sister and not mother in my case) but you stuck up for myself. Being betrayed by the husband is one thing, it hurts so much but if you didn’t betray yourself in the midst of all his sh!ts…that self betrayal eats at you. Know that while you are healing, you are your own best friend and have proof of that! And you can handle anything because you are a SURVIVOR! Congrats again!
My husband was raised seeing his father hit his mother really bad to the point of breaking bones and pointing guns at her. My husband has never been aggressive towards me and says that experience was so traumatic to see his mother hurt and in pain, that he would never have his children go through that. He is one of 4 brothers and none of them are abusive at least that I know. But I also have a 2 friends, brothers who also witnessed domestic violence and one of them abuses his wife while the other does not. It can go both ways
@jackiehuff7736 Honestly, it just depends on the man. We have been together for several years, got married, had kids, Ibsufferd from post partum depression, stressful things have happened that put our marriage at test... and that man has not changed. He has no vices, no drugs, alcohol or smoke. He has always been the more mature one in the relationship, the problem solver, the patient one, the one that listens and thinks before acting, the loving father and husband.
In recent weeks, I've come to this conclusion with a guy that circled the block and I cannot do it. I'm tired and can do bad by myself. I refuse to do the hustling/providing for another. Idc if he saw his mom doing all that when he was growing up, it's a no go ova here. Next!
Not entirely true. My brothers watched our mother raise us by working a job and put a roof on our heads. They don't want their wives to go through that hustle ever. They want stay at home mothers, whereas as a girl, I never want to depend on a man, so I will be earning along with my husband. So it depends on the outlook of a person.
DV survivor here 👋🏽 2 parent house holds do not matter. Look at the family dynamic. But, also see what they have been doing to heal their childhood trauma now . His mom coddled him and mainly the mother was a narcissist. I didn’t know what that was until I met him later on the relationship. Charming in the beginning but turned into a stalker when I had the courage to leave after 7 attempts. Did you know it takes on average 7-9 times for a DV victim. Getting married is one of the most important decisions in your life. I don’t think people take that serious. Also, the person you pick to have a child with, your spiritual and religious beliefs, the car you purchase, your beliefs on finances, and yourself. Great new I’ve been safe and after 9 months I’m moving in my own place and I’m in therapy and I learned what to look out for. I dated a high earning man too and lived well. Note to self alway keep your career. Financial abuse is real too.
"2 parent house holds do not matter" Truer words have never been spoken. I keep telling people it's not just a two parent household that helps children, it's having a whole network of reliable adult authority figures that helps raise a fully developed and well-rounded child. It takes a village, if you will. I will always support community building over a nuclear family dynamic.
This convo can go so many ways. Vetting is important and gives insight to a person’s expectations for others (ex: met a guy who was raised seeing his single mother do everything til she had a heart attack. As I asked more questions I realized he didn’t see the value of “woman’s work” aka the unpaid emotional and physical labor of women in general. He expected all women to work like a horse and still be able to run a household without his help. We didn’t go on another date lol). People’s experiences don’t necessarily define who they are but asking the right questions and observing behavior will save a lot of trouble for you. Someone once told me to pay closer attention to someone when they get comfortable with you because that’s where their truth lies. That advice has never steered me wrong.
Seeing his own mother doing it all and literally work herself to death and all the stress, he doesn’t feel at all bad what his mom went through, and has no care to not do it to someone else?! Wtf is wrong with these men
@@rosannarichardson7951I know. They don’t seem to have much sympathy for anyone but themselves. If he has a sister - she definitely would have seen what she doesn’t want be. But men are fucking oblivious- is this also weaponized incompetence???
I think it’s a severe lack of empathy and dehumanizing women. That’s how they justify it all. This, is the man’s nature. It’s up to men to choose to grow from that programming. Many haven’t.
@rosannarichardson7951 Boys will be boys. We're trained to tolerate their behavior so it doesn't challenge them to change. Our society is patrichial, especially certain communities. So if people are justifying their behavior....why the helll would they change it?
My mother-in-law had 4 boys (now all grown) and she was physically abused by their father. The youngest of them is also an abuser, so 1/4 of her tribe is infected with the disease of harming women 😢. Having said that, we should all be judged by who we are, by our character. But I see her point though!
Some men do learn from seeing their mom abused to protect women. It sounds like 3/4 her sons did. It’s still important to vet the family. The woman who says never to have anything to do with a man who saw his dad beat his mother is taking a more hard line stance than is necessary. But the idea of taking a cold hard, not through the rose colored glasses of love, look at a man like that and figuring out how that affected him is really important. I’d say as someone who married my abusive mother in male form and now has adult daughters, that it’s important to have truth telling friends or couple’s therapists help vet them to make sure you’re really looking at what you are getting into with that individual and that family.
I totally agree. My ex-BF has no respect for his mother and hate her and his dad who abandoned him. I did not find out until years later just how much hatred he has towards his mother. I asked him how did he expect to have a healthy and loving relationship with any woman while harboring all of the resentment and hatred towards his own mother? It's not possible. That's the foundation. He wasn't ready to let go of his anger and didn't want to go to therapy. Had to wash my hands of that situation.
Have you cared to find out why he hated his mother? People don't hate for no reason. I use to hate my mother for many years but that's because she abandoned me when I was 4 years old and then she popped up in my life 20 years later when she was sick and wanted me to care for her. It took alot of years to repair the relationship I had with her.
@deadcell1 You can have a legit reason for disliking your mother. The issue is when you make others suffer because of your hatred. It's best to heal that trauma before entering a relationship.
@@deadcell1Why is your question "have you cared to find out why," and not "what will he do to resolve this?" OP said he didn't want to go to therapy. How could _she_ find out what the problem was when even he refused to find out what it was, and it's _his_ problem? The fact that she could see it so clearly, coupled with the fact that he was unwilling to deal with his issue means that he was going to make his problem _her_ problem. You cannot fix people, and you cannot allow yourself to down in their issues. What happened to you in your childhood isn't your fault, but what you due because of it is your responsibility, and we ALL have our own wounds to tend to.
@naediggs4816 Exactly. I agree with everything you said . She wanted the lady to stay in a potentially dangerous environment to help HIM . Wow . We still have a long way to go . Unfortunately, some BW will be left , waiting to be picked , by a degenerate bandit. 😢 # stay safe , ladies # protect yourselves . 😊❤
Vetting is great, as long as the person is not lying. I found out, after 14 years, a LOT about my now ex. I did all the vetting I could. It's always a risk.
THISSSSSSS I was about to say after a certain point I don’t even think vetting matters, because not only do they lie but their family can lie. I’ve been with people whose family members lied to my face because they wanted me to date him.
@ambergraham103 yes! I didn't realize that all the inside jokes were not only laughing at me because they didn't like me but, also, we're tied into this.
@@HerbalQueen worst part is you begin to think you're the problem because you couldnt travel into the future to see who this man would be years down the line. i would rather die single than waste years of my life with someone who wasnt who i thought they were. like, 14 years is a long f*cking time.
What’s crazy is that people don’t understand this and just expect women to be World’s Best Psychic at ALL times. They literally expect women to see years into the future and know everything… they’d rather do that than blame any male for their garbage actions and lies….
This brings up a memory I haven't talked about in a long time. I had a friend who dated a guy who used to idealize his mother, who was beaten by his father. He used to be really proud about the fact that his mother, who was a marine before she married, woke his father up one night with her service pistol and told him he was either leaving under his own power, or in a body bag. He was so proud of her. He also used to punch holes in the wall around my friends head when he was angry with her, break all kinds of her things, and then shout about how she was lucky he wasn't an abuser like his dad. SMH.
yes, I agree with her for the most part but in my brother's case everything he told us about his wife was negative, one day I said to myself that this man was lying. Lo and below he was using my mom's trash talk as an excuse to trash talk the girl. I told my mom to stay out of her son's relationship.
For me it's a person to person thing. I dated a guy that saw his mom get beat up, but he saw it and became a police officer to protect people and he never hit me, but he never took accountability when he did something wrong. His family was off. Nice people, but something felt off. And yes when we broke up, he spoke so much crap that they took his side. My father is a great example of not repeating history. His parents separated and stayed married. They both had long term partners. When my father became a father he didn't repeat what his father was. So not all negative upbringings will continue, but you still have to be Mama Yodie and dig a little deeper. And also just because they came from a great upbringing it doesn't mean that he's solid either.
Sorry, but it sounds like the cop _did_ abuse you, just not physically. Emotional abuse due to isolation and an attempt to smear and discredit you after the break up. It is abusive to destroy a person's ability to have a relationship with another person, for no other reason than you are upset with them, *_especially_* when it involves lying or misrepresenting that person. It's abusive because they want to exert power over you by taking away resources from you, in this case people, and even your own reputation/credibility. It's also emotional abuse to consistently refuse to allow space for another person's viewpoint, or perspective, just because you don't like what they are saying (within reason, ofc). Again, exerting power, dominance, and control by refusing to make even a small concession to keep the peace or acknowledge you. You and your feelings, opinions, and thoughts are not worthy of acknowledgement because he disagrees, and he is in a position to dismiss those things, and thereby also you, as unimportant or untrue because he is above you. All abuse serves the same purpose, regardless of the form its in. That's why physical abuse doesn't usually start off with violence first, it starts with exerting power and domination over you in every other way first, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, financially, and socially. That way, when the physical violence comes, you are helpless because you already have nothing. Physical is force left for last for a reason - activating it too soon will trigger your fight or flight mechanism. That's why it must by disabled, disarmed, or reprogrammed first. And this is how. Cops have 2-4x the DV rates of gen pop, and separately, children of abusers are also more likely to become abusers themselves. To combine these two, plus the behavior you described?? Sis, he didn't hit you YET. Start watching for these signs so you can be aware in your next relationship. It is always subtle in the beginning, but you need to know the signs so you can escape before they can escalate.
The Asian lady is very right. While you should vet the family backgrounds but then again no family is perfect. Check to see if the person has realised that their family might be broken, processed it and done the work on themselves - especially tge spiritual and emotional work. Another red flag is if the person is in denial of the brokenness in their family. That's dangerous.
No, not everyone. Most people didn’t grow up neglected or abused. Most people are fine and completely normal, with certain demographics having the higher rates of abuse and neglect than others.
@@winxclubstellamusa not everyone is abused and/or neglected, but everyone is human. The human experience is traumatic in some ways at some points and if we don't process that trauma, it will seep from the subconscious and effect us later.
@@StephieGsrEvolution but it is much smaller and not as damaging and life altering as the traumas from begin abused and neglected, so those can just be described as wounds and not trauma, because trauma is actually a very heavy and meaningful word that can’t be thrown around like it is right now out of respect and consideration for people with PTSD like myself who are legitimately, heavily, and debilitatingly traumatized. If everyone is traumatized, then no one is traumatized, and that word ceases to have any meaning, which is something that we can’t allow to happen.
👏🏾 Love that the younger women are paying attention to what we are saying. They are interested in women's past, get interested in theirs, but get deep. All the best.
I agree with this and it has psychological explanation. I read books from Ludy Bancroft about domestic abuse, boys look up to the man that raise them, not to the woman. So, don't ask your man how his relationship with his mother. In fact, you should ask how his father treat his mother. Because most likely he will do that as well to you.
Hella true. My late husband's parents were toxic AF he brought a lot of what he witnessed into our marriage. I didn't do the vetting, and I learned from it the hard way. I know now IF I do decide to date, I'm vetting tf out of them and their people.
As a first generation college student, first generation career professional, first generation to leave the small town, etc., I am not a product of my environment. Had my fiancé judged me solely based on my mother, sister, and cousins, I grew up around he would not have had a complete picture of who I am. Nuance and is what is missing from this conversation. The blanket statements are not as informed or insightful as they might think.
All of us are products of our upbringing. Both nature and nurture play a role in who we are and how we automatically show up in the world. We can choose to address what we were raised with/within but our upbringing plays a role in our core programming and that can’t be dismissed if we’re actually going to grow and do better.
I was blessed to have grown up in a small town so we knew family histories for the most part either by first hand accounts or gossip lol so I knew who to kinda stay away from (then again I didn’t really date nobody from my hometown bc those degrees of separation were too close for me 😂) My mom tried to break the cycle and date a man (my pops) that came from outwardly a good, well to do family but babeee she ain’t dig around good enough bc them skeletons in my pops family was deep! My grandpa was a certified psycho, who abused my granny, tried to pew pew her, tried to burn down the family home as a kid, etc etc and try as my pops did to not be like him, that dna is strongggggg. Bloodline curses are real and strongholds can only be broken through intentional hard work. Let’s just say my moms divorced him 16 yrs later 🤦🏾♀️ Nowadays it’s super hard to “vet” based on family history because most ppl are disjointed and estranged from family. It’s really a gamble outchea
@@VeeKayGreenerGrassdefinitely a flag, it I wasn’t had a friend estrange their family because they were light skinned and the mothers side was racist af. Truly depends on the circumstances. My friend is and amazing person btw.
So true!!! That is true!!! No matter how nice someone is. If he comes from a broken family, that person will repeat everything. Only very rarely can someone break out. The probability is higher that you will lose your partner to the destructive behavior this person has learned from home. The greatest love between you cannot save you.
This is a response to the young Asian lady speaking about "What about the guys who have done the work etc". A lot of these types of guys will go to therapy and get a bunch of new buzzwords to pepper into their conversations to convey that they're better than those monsters. I have learned the hard way that (some) guys like that use their new vocabulary to manipulate you and hurt you in other ways. I was in a relationship in which the guy would play mind games to make me cry just for fun. If he had a bad day, I was going to hear about it and I'm at fault. Just because abuse isn't physical, doesn't mean it's not abuse. Every single guy needs to be vetted. You need to keep your heart protected for a long enough time (usually 6 months, maybe more) that if he was wearing a mask, it had time to slip. Pity is a way to get empathy from you. If You have empathy for him, you're more likely to fall in love. Don't fall for his pity stories about his childhood. If he brings them up a lot and at inappropriate times, bookmark that shit with a red flag.
Vetting will still mean nothing if you don't react to the first red flag. The first time the guy did what you said (taking out his bad day on you) should have been the last time you ever talked to him. If we don't react IMMEDIATELY, it won't matter how well we vet, and that's tripping women up because they think the work is done when it's NOT.
You also need to investigate if the person has a history of mental illness or incarceration themselves or in their family. And make sure that you don't tell them about any past trauma (at least for a long time after they've shown themselves trustworthy), especially IPV/DV.
As a former trauma therapist who worked with many DV/SA/HT victims, please do not listen to the woman in the black “Wife Life” shirt. Everything she is saying is statistically inaccurate 🤦🏽♀️
This is 100 percent true! I should have realized that men who don’t respect their moms or seen their mothers getting abused whether physically or mentally you have to really be careful. My sons father was terrible to his mom but we both came from fostercare and had experienced things most other haven’t but in reality when I got pregnant a whole new person came out of even after all the talks I swore we had he showed me a whole new person that I would have never imagined once I became the mother of his son who he abandoned. I’m glad women are seeing the truth in these men
I agree with the Asian girl’s point that people should not be judged and instantly rejected solely based on having grown up in an abusive or otherwise dysfunctional family. You should try to find out if they have done the work to heal themselves. Yes, it’s common for men who watched their mother get abused to grow up to also become abusers. And I def think that should be taken as a red flag and a woman should proceed with caution if they find out the man they’re seeing witnessed abused as a child. However vetting is still not easy as many might not be very forthcoming about the type of trauma or dysfunction they’ve been through in their family. Not everyone is immediately going to open up and tell you about such things. Some people don’t even know they’ve been traumatized or abused by things they saw or things that were done to them when they were children. You can do your best to vet but know there is no way to vet that guarantees you don’t wind up in a bad relationship.
You don’t have to find out if he/she done he work or not. We all have the right to enter a relationship with whoever we choose. So if you don’t want to date someone who witnessed their parents being abused or abusing it’s your life your prerogative.
I guess she is one of those who would like to stick around and find out the hard way. These warnings are based on statistics- if abuse is more likely to happen, why would you want to chance it. I agree this is not a point to argue.
In Islam you are advised to get to know your intended's family. You can learn alot about a person from their origins, seeing how they treat those closest to them in intimate, closed, settings and seeing how others treat them (reactions to their treatment of the person). If an educated decision is to be made the step of getting to know the family and its dynamic is wise advice.
@@purpleflows5680 and you do know that this custom is done by the striking majority of all Muslims everywhere, right? And the only exceptions are the apostates and the fully secular ones who know nothing about Islam but would leave it the second they learned the truth, even with the punishment for apostasy being death.
Ladies listen closely. I dated someone like this. But he was very nice to his mother but hated his sister. He believed a womans love is unconditional and that she will stay and put up with a man through ANY treatment. And all this because he saw that his mother stayed and took the abuse. He had a twisted view of "true love" and believed women were stupid and brainless.
I've taken a few infant and early childhood mental health electives. She's right. Most times children who witness DV become the perpetrators or victims of DV. The odds are not in your favor to not be hurt when dealing with them. They need extensive therapy. Most ppl will confirm that most of their issues stem from childhood trauma.
It's sad but true. The same family dynamic that caused that DV means that kid is not learning how to deal with people in a healthy way. You really can't expect them to know better unless maybe someone else took over their care at a young age. I went through this earlier this year with someone I was really interested in. When they told me all about their family dynamics and I carefully watched the way they behaved, I came to the conclusion that this person is probably forever broken and cannot be in anything but toxic relationships. And the sad part was they knew it. They didn't know how to change, even though they really wanted to.
Another good point is, that a lot of women stay in abusive relationships for the "KIDS" not knowing that the abuse she is enduring is traumatizing the "KIDS".
What is most important is observing THAT person. How are they when they are stressed, upset, aggravated? How are they when they don’t get what they want or disagree with you? How are they when they feel you did something to hurt them? How do you see them handling disagreements with friends and relatives? Coworkers? This tells you more. You can come from a messed up background and not repeat the same patterns, particularly if you are self-aware and have proactively worked on yourself. Or, if it just wasn’t in your nature to be the way you were raised. A man could look at me and see my fractured family and think that says something about me and he could be completely wrong. I can only control myself and how I deal. The unevolved members of my family I am not responsible for. To be judged by them and their behaviors would be insulting.
The family dynamic is important in terms of setting boundaries. I will not date someone who has poor boundaries with their family. I won't be an AH and say that I will only date somebody who has a great family, because you don't control the family that you're born into. What you can control is how you deal with the family that you have. If your family is crazy, then you need to have appropriate boundaries in place to deal with that crazy. That might mean that you don't deal with them. For those who don't understand what you're actually looking at... you're looking to see if a person is securely attached. You're looking to see what type of programming a person received from their parental units. This programming is going to set the expectations about relationships that a person has. You have to understand the environment that a person grew up in and look to see if they have any unhealthy behaviors as a result. If a person has an insecure attachment, you can probably just go ahead and bail. It can be healed look into subconscious reprogramming from the personal development School) but honestly I wouldn't waste my time. Unfortunately, single Parenthood is automatic insecure attachment, unless your parent was profoundly intentional about cultivating a secure attachment. You will also have the attachment style of your parents. Please note, that you can still have attachment trauma in a two-parent home!!!!!! Just like the lady in the peach said!!!! Children's love language is physical presence. A single parent who has to work literally can't be there. If the child was abandoned by their other parent, that's automatic attachment trauma. You have to work to overcome that as a single parent and probably only 1% of you even know what a secure attachment is. If you have a toxic marriage you will have insecurely attached children. Remember, your duty is to model healthy behaviors for your children. If you can't do that in your marriage, then do it as a healthy co-parenting relationship. You don't get to stay in a dysfunctional marriage, for the sake of the kids. I would not recommend just ditching someone because they saw certain things in their childhood. It's a two-part process. You observe the family dynamic and see what that represents. You then you inquire about that person's personal culture. You assess their expectations about relationships and desires Etc. Actually, it's a three-part process because once you listen to what they say their personal culture is, you then need to validate it against their actions. This is the key part!!!! A person will tell you that they value family and want to have three kids and settle down. However, when you look at the moves that they've made in their life, their actions tell a different story. Dude is unemployed and sleeping on somebody's couch talking about he wants to be a family man😂😂😂. The same for a woman. A woman who is seeking to find a life partner and husband, isn't out running the streets till 3:00 a.m. hooking up with different random dudes. Once you collect the research information, you use the rest of the dating experience to test out your hypothesis. Chris Brown and Darius demonstrated other traits would have disqualified them from dating in the first place. You don't even need to go that deep. Darius was basically unemployed and Kiki was a millionaire. It should never should have started.
I really enjoyed reading your reply. Well written and extremely knowledgeable. 👏. I am a young woman interested in learning about how to vet men and male psychology. Can you recommend any resources/books/videos? I aspire to your level of understanding.
I really like this conversation. It's really insightful and something I didn't know to look out for. However nothing is one size fits all. If he's done the work on himself, self-reflection, therapy working on any misogyny he's been exposed to, it could work. A lot of people become good people due to their bad past, not in spite of it
ALSO, if after you've met his family and they are not dysfunctional, but for some reason or other he seems to be an outsider that is also a red flag. HE may be the toxic member of the family. I met my fiance's family and they were cool, a family of professionals, etc. They were friendly, but he didn't seem to gel with them. I thought, "Okay. Sometimes you 're not close to your family". Turns out, they didn't warn me, because they didn't want his crazy ass fixating on one of them. He was intense, controlling, and eventually physically abusive. Ladies, I don't know what to say about vetting a man. I learned later on that his mother was physically abused by his father. When I phoned his lawyer brother about him he told me all about his police officer father who beat the hell out of their mother. I asked him after some time listening to the stories, "Why didn't you warn me?' He got quiet for the first time. "I said knowing his history, you knew he was going to take me through hell. Why didn't you warn me? I am someone's sister, daughter, mother... didn't I deserve your protection?" He was still quiet. After a second, I hung up.
Family relationships are VERY important. Also health history!!! People will hide all their ailments and then when the child ends up with something….here comes the truth!!
12:54 "How is it the child's fault?" It's not but they aren't dating a child, they are dating an adult and, regardless of what happened in your childhood, as an adult It's your responsibility to do the work and deal with the trauma and dysfunction you were raised in. Very few men do this and even most women don't. So, a dude who witnessed DV at home who is currently in therapy and has been for years, who has healthy coping mechanisms for his triggers and the communication skills to handle problems without DV is one thing. I have never, not once in my 44 years, met a man like that. I have seen a handful on TV and in movies but they're usually fictional and written by women. It's another example of holding women accountable for men's bad behavior. She should just put up with it and try to make it work and the man has no expectations whatsoever to do anything about it. This is what internalized misogyny looks like. In theory she is not wrong. Under patriarchy, which is where we all live, this is utterly foolish.
My brother & my cousin witnessed male spousal abuse, they consciously decided to be better men & leaders in the community, a toxic history does not have to be repeated, it's important to inform yourself about a man's background then see how he moves.
I really hope that second woman gets the healing she needs. Also I think familial history is relevant, but I think it mostly matters if the man/woman is willing to put in the work.
I agree with the lady when she says vet the family ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEM FAMILY. you can’t always go based off that but more than likely those same values are within them also, just hidden unless they’ve done the inner work.
Vetting men is crucial and requires discernment. Also, be wise. I grew in toxic poverty, foster care, and around the worse examples, yet I turned out the complete opposite. I saw exactly how I didn't want my life to be, so I intentionally didn't repeat the cycles. So I know this could be a possibility for others as well.
My husband cut his father and his father off. They are some negative people but his mom!!! Must be God’s angel. She is so sweet, loving, kind, and beautiful and he got all her traits.
100% agree. I grew up being abused my my father and his family. I spent 15 yrs trying to find the acceptance and love i never recieved as a child. I found all the wrong people because abuse made me comfortable. I unconsiously sought out the same environment i was raised in. Family history matters to a degree, its not the ENTIRE story but it sure does tell you a lot. I am working theu my baggage now ive spent the better part of 4 years fixing the damage done. And i,have to tell you there was a lot. And im sure all those ahit guys saw the perfect victim to take advantage of. I had a few good guys here and there but the fast majority saw my scars and played me like a fiddle.
People abused tend to have a trauma response. They usually choose between extremes. Either abusive themselves or protective. But even if men who have seen or been subjected to abuse arent violent, if they dont seek help they can still have unhealthy responses. Avoiding conflict, people pleasing, and a tendency toward abusive partners for instance. It can be hard to identify toxic behavior without support
I was raised by an alcoholic parent and the other parent was too sick to leave. The non drinking parent told me to not date or marry a partner who did drink.
I agree with the lady that said men/people that never had an abusive parents can also be abusive. My first bf was a spoiled brat by his mother and never learned to be kind and loving. His dad was an extremely kind man. My ex would degrade me and humiliate me and choke me. He was just a plain narcissist.
A lot of people responded that you shouldn’t just walk after finding that your date had an abusive family but that is not the whole conversation, it’s also about if they are still enmeshed in that toxic family.
They 100% vet. They want people who are unstable and are willing to do anything without question. Someone willing to get their hands dirty and with a ego big enough to believe they are "the good guys".
That's what we should have been doing all along !! We give more thought to who we go to the Senior Prom with, than who we are considering marrying. The Prom is one night, marriage is supposed to be for a lifetime.
Absolutely vet and always proceed with caution. My uncle watched my grandpa beat my grandma. I watched that uncle put his pregnant girlfriend in a chokehold when I was five. Years later, he married a seasoned social worker that didn’t take his shit, hit him back (harder) and made him go to therapy. 😂 Thank you auntie, he’s only slightly insufferable now!
I've been saying this for yearssss! When you meet someone, you are meeting everything that has happened prior to you, good or bad. Even if you date someone for ten years, you only know ten years of them, not the prior 15, 20, or more years before then. You don't know what you'll end up with. Scary!!! Also, everything that the 2nd person said was spot on. Her name is spiritual whistleblower. I went through the exact same situation. Only the Most High got me out of that situation. The family was crazy as hell!
BINGO. And if you come from a traumatic background and are doing the work don't assume others have that same courage. Just because you know why someone acts a certain way doesn't mean you have to put up with it. RUN.
The young woman with the glasses missed the entire point . She literally said that if they have not healed from the dysfunction, not punish them because of their circumstances.
You cannot vet. All you can do is be a complete person, healed person, independent person that can leave immediately when people switch up or take off the mask they wore while pursuing you.
I don't think it's the family in every instance, there is also social media, your peers, and the culture. My brother would talk a lot of crap about his wife and my mom fell for it every time. She started to tell me how the girl was evil. I told her she better stay out of her son's relationship because he has to sleep with and live with the woman he chose. Anyway, later we found out that he was using my mom's trash talk as an excuse to treat the girl bad and say a lot of crap to down her self- esteem.
One thing I'm learning from this, is that everyone is a little bit f***ked up. And it's not our fault that we grew up in abusive homes, dysfunctional homes, single-parented homes etc. It's not your fault. We are born into these situations and grow up in them. But as an adult, you have to decide that you want to be different. Make the hard decision of cutting off toxic family members and going to therapy etc. It's just that people don't want to talk about their past traumas because of the fear of being judged. Which is true. The work goes both ways, the other partner should extend some grace and create a safe space for the one who has suffered...if they show that they are willing to change.
Yes ex husband mother was raped murdred father couldn’t take care of four kids farmed them out he was a mess asked him to go for help he said no. After so many episodes of of BS I said bye got a divorce best decision ever
Why are people trying to change this woman's mind? That's her standard if you don't like it go ahead. That means that there's more men for you who have been no situations when you felt unquote, bad for You will help them. Let's stop telling people what they shouldn't should not accept because if they end up in a bad relationship. They're gonna come looking at you. Because they said they wouldn't accept it. And here you go, tell them what to do. That's their instinct. 26:17
The lady in the black tshirt had a weird POV. Ppl who have seen abuse definitely turn out to be abused or be an abuser more. There are a few who decide they never want to be like what they saw. As for her opinion on chris brown...🙄
That lady in the peach was on point. Sounds like Prince Harry and Megan. The royal family went in on her because she wanted Harry to live his best life!!!!!
The second lady with the hair wrap and red shirt. I'm telling you. She is absolutely 100% without a doubt. Correct went through it, know about it. Everything she said is true and on point vet him and the family members.
I understand what she’s saying but people shouldn’t be fully judged based on their families. There are people who are trying to break generational curses and better themselves. I’ll never judge a potential romantic partner because their family are dysfunctional but instead I’ll judge them if they are enabling their toxic family behaviour. All in all, judge people as individuals instead of just their families.
The stitch with the women with Wife Life was taking absolute nonsense! First of all Chris dusty Brown has abused multiple women??? Second, without therapy and distance from toxic families, there is a high likelihood childhood victims of abuse will go on to abuse others because thats all they know. She is correct some people don't, but they seek help and prioritise healing. Men typically DO NOT get therapy which is why WOMEN must ask the questions and vet.
Abusers always get MORE ABUSIVE and manipulative if they get into therapy! There is NO CURE for an abuser and no way to change them, especially because they are highly sadistic and they ENJOY abusing!! That’s why we must stay away from them.
You have to standards and boundaries. You can vet all you want. Most relationships are going to end. He had me meet his family immediately! His parents are together to this day. We’ve been together for 17 years
I think even taking it as far as knowing people family health history. If schizophrenic run in the family, there’s a chance y’all will have a child with it.
Yes. Absolutely. Saw his dad abuse and hit his mama right in front of me. He tried hitting me on that same day. I said bye. Yep, both abusers had a mother and a father. Didn't matter. If anything they were both mysoginistic. His own mother warned me about him. He had a PhD in Physics and started making 6 figures. Yet, is a psychopath.
Their family and the lack there of I learned this the hard way by having a child with him 😒 don’t do that to yourself now that I’m older I can look back and see where I went wrong and I made all the mistakes
I agree with vetting cause I went through this. I ignored all the signs. He was rude to his mom, gave her the silent treatment, therefore he was rude to me and gave me the silent treatment.
True, but I also witness men who treat their mother great, but treat their woman significantly poorly
The saying watch how he treats his mom only came back to memory after I was already married... sad
One thing I was taught see how a man treats his mother because that’s going to be the same treatment he gives you.
@@cutlyfesoo true. 😢 dayum this is hard
"Trained and groomed since childhood to stay loyal"... this explains a relationship that went down in flames and I'm so glad I dodged that bullet. Some families are 100% crabs in a pot: they will pull down and hamstring anybody who's excelling or getting ahead. Ladies learn, don't join those families, they will tear you down, too.
Dudes keep saying "you shoulda chose better," but when women start putting that advice into practice, it's a problem.
Girlllllllll every time!😂😂😂
If you chose better you wouldn't be on here, wouldn't you? 😉
They always say that , b/c BM only know 3 phrases. Choose better , who hurt you & single Moms cause all of the ills of society & global warming 😂. I stopped listening to BM's rhetoric, I was getting a headache. BM refuse to listen or even TRY to learn ANYTHING. They want to stay in a room full of other BM , trying to find ways to stop us from succeeding 😂. BM, you aren't smart enough to stop our upward mobility movement. # upward # out 🏃♀️ # bye dusty dan 😂 # we are getting OUT of your reach 😅
@@deadcell1why are you on here? You looking for a man to vet out too?
@@samyahknotts4728 Someone commented on a Passport bro video and I followed the comment back to here lol
Vetting men is extremely difficult because they are watching these videos and learning how to manipulate women.
Men are extremely good actors and they can literally fake a whole relationship.
This happened to me, i had a guy fake a whole 2 year relationship with me.
Even the government has issues vetting men.
Its okey you can see his pattern by his action with right hlep with therapy
Doesn't mean we can't try. Also, women are giving up their bodies and dependency too quickly in these situations. There are so many red flags that will present themselves a whole lot more clearly if the man isn't getting any kitty. You know how they say post-nut clarity? Well, people need to take advantage of the pre-nut clarity too. A man can only hold out for so long, especially within the confines of a coitus-less romantic relationship. People aren't watching carefully _enough_ and that's the problem. There will always be a tell, even if you have to be a detective. Soon as you start liking someone, you should low-key start investigating. Hell, you should investigate before the first date.
People will say, if you have to do all that then it's not worth it. Okay then. Don't do your homework and see what grade you get.
Pay attention to actions. Even psychopaths get burnt out from the keeping up the mask for too long.
There’s always red flags
It’s just going to keep evolving because the men are aware of the benefits of setting up a situation where they have the partner doing all the chores and paying half the bills as well as taking their bad attitude.
Their will be tells but for the most skilled manipulators they will not be listed online and need to be felt out by how the relationship gets eroded from something beneficial to you to something that only benefits them boundaries getting crossed and other tells.
What this young lady said is true. Years ago I was married and my ex-husband and I got into a physical fight. I wasn't going to allow him to beat on me. I fought back. He told me that I am nothing like his mother. His mother would be quiet when she was getting hit. That's a f*cked up thing to tell me. I am not taking no ass whooping. Eventually, I filed for divorce and moved on before I made him be casket sharp. 12-21-2023(Thurs)
You BW definitely know how to pick them, huh?
Congrats on the anniversary. I wish I was like you when I was in similar situation (his reasoning was sister and not mother in my case) but you stuck up for myself. Being betrayed by the husband is one thing, it hurts so much but if you didn’t betray yourself in the midst of all his sh!ts…that self betrayal eats at you. Know that while you are healing, you are your own best friend and have proof of that! And you can handle anything because you are a SURVIVOR! Congrats again!
My husband was raised seeing his father hit his mother really bad to the point of breaking bones and pointing guns at her. My husband has never been aggressive towards me and says that experience was so traumatic to see his mother hurt and in pain, that he would never have his children go through that. He is one of 4 brothers and none of them are abusive at least that I know.
But I also have a 2 friends, brothers who also witnessed domestic violence and one of them abuses his wife while the other does not.
It can go both ways
It's a risk dating/marrying ANY male. Women shouldn't be concerned with "romantic ❤" or being in relationship with males. It's NOT worth the risk
Even of they don't become violent they can have other unhealthy behaviors
@jackiehuff7736 Honestly, it just depends on the man. We have been together for several years, got married, had kids, Ibsufferd from post partum depression, stressful things have happened that put our marriage at test... and that man has not changed. He has no vices, no drugs, alcohol or smoke. He has always been the more mature one in the relationship, the problem solver, the patient one, the one that listens and thinks before acting, the loving father and husband.
Same as a man (not all men) who grew up watching his mom being the provider/hustler. He is more likely to expect the same in his future partner.
In recent weeks, I've come to this conclusion with a guy that circled the block and I cannot do it. I'm tired and can do bad by myself. I refuse to do the hustling/providing for another. Idc if he saw his mom doing all that when he was growing up, it's a no go ova here. Next!
@@marie2511 NEXT!!!!
Not entirely true. My brothers watched our mother raise us by working a job and put a roof on our heads. They don't want their wives to go through that hustle ever. They want stay at home mothers, whereas as a girl, I never want to depend on a man, so I will be earning along with my husband. So it depends on the outlook of a person.
DV survivor here 👋🏽 2 parent house holds do not matter. Look at the family dynamic. But, also see what they have been doing to heal their childhood trauma now . His mom coddled him and mainly the mother was a narcissist. I didn’t know what that was until I met him later on the relationship. Charming in the beginning but turned into a stalker when I had the courage to leave after 7 attempts. Did you know it takes on average 7-9 times for a DV victim. Getting married is one of the most important decisions in your life. I don’t think people take that serious. Also, the person you pick to have a child with, your spiritual and religious beliefs, the car you purchase, your beliefs on finances, and yourself. Great new I’ve been safe and after 9 months I’m moving in my own place and I’m in therapy and I learned what to look out for. I dated a high earning man too and lived well. Note to self alway keep your career. Financial abuse is real too.
"2 parent house holds do not matter" Truer words have never been spoken. I keep telling people it's not just a two parent household that helps children, it's having a whole network of reliable adult authority figures that helps raise a fully developed and well-rounded child. It takes a village, if you will. I will always support community building over a nuclear family dynamic.
A 2 parent household only matters when considering if he will abandon his children. (Sometimes not even then) But it’s not a deciding factor.
This convo can go so many ways. Vetting is important and gives insight to a person’s expectations for others (ex: met a guy who was raised seeing his single mother do everything til she had a heart attack. As I asked more questions I realized he didn’t see the value of “woman’s work” aka the unpaid emotional and physical labor of women in general. He expected all women to work like a horse and still be able to run a household without his help. We didn’t go on another date lol).
People’s experiences don’t necessarily define who they are but asking the right questions and observing behavior will save a lot of trouble for you. Someone once told me to pay closer attention to someone when they get comfortable with you because that’s where their truth lies. That advice has never steered me wrong.
Seeing his own mother doing it all and literally work herself to death and all the stress, he doesn’t feel at all bad what his mom went through, and has no care to not do it to someone else?! Wtf is wrong with these men
@@rosannarichardson7951I know. They don’t seem to have much sympathy for anyone but themselves. If he has a sister - she definitely would have seen what she doesn’t want be. But men are fucking oblivious- is this also weaponized incompetence???
I think it’s a severe lack of empathy and dehumanizing women. That’s how they justify it all. This, is the man’s nature. It’s up to men to choose to grow from that programming. Many haven’t.
@rosannarichardson7951 Boys will be boys. We're trained to tolerate their behavior so it doesn't challenge them to change.
Our society is patrichial, especially certain communities. So if people are justifying their behavior....why the helll would they change it?
My mother-in-law had 4 boys (now all grown) and she was physically abused by their father. The youngest of them is also an abuser, so 1/4 of her tribe is infected with the disease of harming women 😢. Having said that, we should all be judged by who we are, by our character. But I see her point though!
Your upbringing shapes your character.
Ignore the Pickmeshia , who said, it wasn't fair to try to save YOUR LIFE by looking at the family dynamics. 🥴
i hate to break it to you but the other thee are corrupted as well! they let their brother go unchecked in his abuse!
@@submissiveproviderstboth9485 silence please 🙄
Some men do learn from seeing their mom abused to protect women. It sounds like 3/4 her sons did. It’s still important to vet the family. The woman who says never to have anything to do with a man who saw his dad beat his mother is taking a more hard line stance than is necessary. But the idea of taking a cold hard, not through the rose colored glasses of love, look at a man like that and figuring out how that affected him is really important. I’d say as someone who married my abusive mother in male form and now has adult daughters, that it’s important to have truth telling friends or couple’s therapists help vet them to make sure you’re really looking at what you are getting into with that individual and that family.
I totally agree. My ex-BF has no respect for his mother and hate her and his dad who abandoned him. I did not find out until years later just how much hatred he has towards his mother. I asked him how did he expect to have a healthy and loving relationship with any woman while harboring all of the resentment and hatred towards his own mother? It's not possible. That's the foundation. He wasn't ready to let go of his anger and didn't want to go to therapy. Had to wash my hands of that situation.
Have you cared to find out why he hated his mother? People don't hate for no reason. I use to hate my mother for many years but that's because she abandoned me when I was 4 years old and then she popped up in my life 20 years later when she was sick and wanted me to care for her. It took alot of years to repair the relationship I had with her.
@deadcell1 You can have a legit reason for disliking your mother. The issue is when you make others suffer because of your hatred. It's best to heal that trauma before entering a relationship.
@@deadcell1Why is your question "have you cared to find out why," and not "what will he do to resolve this?"
OP said he didn't want to go to therapy. How could _she_ find out what the problem was when even he refused to find out what it was, and it's _his_ problem? The fact that she could see it so clearly, coupled with the fact that he was unwilling to deal with his issue means that he was going to make his problem _her_ problem.
You cannot fix people, and you cannot allow yourself to down in their issues. What happened to you in your childhood isn't your fault, but what you due because of it is your responsibility, and we ALL have our own wounds to tend to.
@@deadcell1I am sorry to hear about your mother, though.
@naediggs4816 Exactly. I agree with everything you said . She wanted the lady to stay in a potentially dangerous environment to help HIM . Wow . We still have a long way to go . Unfortunately, some BW will be left , waiting to be picked , by a degenerate bandit. 😢 # stay safe , ladies # protect yourselves . 😊❤
Vetting is great, as long as the person is not lying. I found out, after 14 years, a LOT about my now ex. I did all the vetting I could. It's always a risk.
THISSSSSSS I was about to say after a certain point I don’t even think vetting matters, because not only do they lie but their family can lie. I’ve been with people whose family members lied to my face because they wanted me to date him.
@ambergraham103 yes! I didn't realize that all the inside jokes were not only laughing at me because they didn't like me but, also, we're tied into this.
Because you cannot vet a person who is on a mission…vet all you want…you can still end up with an abuser
@@HerbalQueen worst part is you begin to think you're the problem because you couldnt travel into the future to see who this man would be years down the line. i would rather die single than waste years of my life with someone who wasnt who i thought they were. like, 14 years is a long f*cking time.
What’s crazy is that people don’t understand this and just expect women to be World’s Best Psychic at ALL times. They literally expect women to see years into the future and know everything… they’d rather do that than blame any male for their garbage actions and lies….
The bottom line is many men had abusive childhoods BUT will NOT go to therapy.
This brings up a memory I haven't talked about in a long time. I had a friend who dated a guy who used to idealize his mother, who was beaten by his father. He used to be really proud about the fact that his mother, who was a marine before she married, woke his father up one night with her service pistol and told him he was either leaving under his own power, or in a body bag. He was so proud of her. He also used to punch holes in the wall around my friends head when he was angry with her, break all kinds of her things, and then shout about how she was lucky he wasn't an abuser like his dad. SMH.
the woman with the glasses with the headwrap layed out the GOSPEL TRUTH. Every Word!!!
💯💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
I love her takes. Any advice she gives I’m watching
yes, I agree with her for the most part but in my brother's case everything he told us about his wife was negative, one day I said to myself that this man was lying. Lo and below he was using my mom's trash talk as an excuse to trash talk the girl. I told my mom to stay out of her son's relationship.
My dad always told me to never pick a man that comes from a broken home because chances are he'll mistreat you as result!
Just be careful. A two parent home can also be a broken home.
@@Rice10120 Obviously my dad wasn't referring to that part! So far his advice has been working for me!
For me it's a person to person thing. I dated a guy that saw his mom get beat up, but he saw it and became a police officer to protect people and he never hit me, but he never took accountability when he did something wrong. His family was off. Nice people, but something felt off. And yes when we broke up, he spoke so much crap that they took his side.
My father is a great example of not repeating history. His parents separated and stayed married. They both had long term partners. When my father became a father he didn't repeat what his father was. So not all negative upbringings will continue, but you still have to be Mama Yodie and dig a little deeper.
And also just because they came from a great upbringing it doesn't mean that he's solid either.
Sorry, but it sounds like the cop _did_ abuse you, just not physically. Emotional abuse due to isolation and an attempt to smear and discredit you after the break up. It is abusive to destroy a person's ability to have a relationship with another person, for no other reason than you are upset with them, *_especially_* when it involves lying or misrepresenting that person. It's abusive because they want to exert power over you by taking away resources from you, in this case people, and even your own reputation/credibility.
It's also emotional abuse to consistently refuse to allow space for another person's viewpoint, or perspective, just because you don't like what they are saying (within reason, ofc). Again, exerting power, dominance, and control by refusing to make even a small concession to keep the peace or acknowledge you. You and your feelings, opinions, and thoughts are not worthy of acknowledgement because he disagrees, and he is in a position to dismiss those things, and thereby also you, as unimportant or untrue because he is above you.
All abuse serves the same purpose, regardless of the form its in. That's why physical abuse doesn't usually start off with violence first, it starts with exerting power and domination over you in every other way first, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, financially, and socially. That way, when the physical violence comes, you are helpless because you already have nothing. Physical is force left for last for a reason - activating it too soon will trigger your fight or flight mechanism. That's why it must by disabled, disarmed, or reprogrammed first. And this is how.
Cops have 2-4x the DV rates of gen pop, and separately, children of abusers are also more likely to become abusers themselves. To combine these two, plus the behavior you described??
Sis, he didn't hit you YET. Start watching for these signs so you can be aware in your next relationship. It is always subtle in the beginning, but you need to know the signs so you can escape before they can escalate.
@naediggs4816 Yeah, I suppose that's a possibility.
@@Cantetinza17 🙏🏾🙏🏾 stay safe out there! I went into so much detail just in case someone else needed to see it
@naediggs4816 That's fine. All good points. Yeah, it's crazy out there.
Nope! Stats says if the experienced it, they are more likely to duplicate it. The opposite is the exception.
The Asian lady is very right. While you should vet the family backgrounds but then again no family is perfect. Check to see if the person has realised that their family might be broken, processed it and done the work on themselves - especially tge spiritual and emotional work. Another red flag is if the person is in denial of the brokenness in their family. That's dangerous.
Everyone has trauma to some degree, in some way. What matters is the work we do to heal, and that takes a lot more than most people think.
No, not everyone. Most people didn’t grow up neglected or abused. Most people are fine and completely normal, with certain demographics having the higher rates of abuse and neglect than others.
But how many people actually do thorough healing work? A small percentage.
@@winxclubstellamusa not everyone is abused and/or neglected, but everyone is human. The human experience is traumatic in some ways at some points and if we don't process that trauma, it will seep from the subconscious and effect us later.
@@StephieGsrEvolution but it is much smaller and not as damaging and life altering as the traumas from begin abused and neglected, so those can just be described as wounds and not trauma, because trauma is actually a very heavy and meaningful word that can’t be thrown around like it is right now out of respect and consideration for people with PTSD like myself who are legitimately, heavily, and debilitatingly traumatized. If everyone is traumatized, then no one is traumatized, and that word ceases to have any meaning, which is something that we can’t allow to happen.
👏🏾 Love that the younger women are paying attention to what we are saying.
They are interested in women's past, get interested in theirs, but get deep.
All the best.
I agree with this and it has psychological explanation.
I read books from Ludy Bancroft about domestic abuse, boys look up to the man that raise them, not to the woman. So, don't ask your man how his relationship with his mother. In fact, you should ask how his father treat his mother. Because most likely he will do that as well to you.
Hella true. My late husband's parents were toxic AF he brought a lot of what he witnessed into our marriage.
I didn't do the vetting, and I learned from it the hard way.
I know now IF I do decide to date, I'm vetting tf out of them and their people.
As a first generation college student, first generation career professional, first generation to leave the small town, etc., I am not a product of my environment. Had my fiancé judged me solely based on my mother, sister, and cousins, I grew up around he would not have had a complete picture of who I am. Nuance and is what is missing from this conversation. The blanket statements are not as informed or insightful as they might think.
People are not always are product of family. Some want better for themselves.
Keyword: SOME😶
All of us are products of our upbringing. Both nature and nurture play a role in who we are and how we automatically show up in the world.
We can choose to address what we were raised with/within but our upbringing plays a role in our core programming and that can’t be dismissed if we’re actually going to grow and do better.
@@kennyav25 so majority are you think?
This is just true. I even do this with coworkers now because even they can bring all their toxic family drama to work.
I was blessed to have grown up in a small town so we knew family histories for the most part either by first hand accounts or gossip lol so I knew who to kinda stay away from (then again I didn’t really date nobody from my hometown bc those degrees of separation were too close for me 😂)
My mom tried to break the cycle and date a man (my pops) that came from outwardly a good, well to do family but babeee she ain’t dig around good enough bc them skeletons in my pops family was deep! My grandpa was a certified psycho, who abused my granny, tried to pew pew her, tried to burn down the family home as a kid, etc etc and try as my pops did to not be like him, that dna is strongggggg. Bloodline curses are real and strongholds can only be broken through intentional hard work. Let’s just say my moms divorced him 16 yrs later 🤦🏾♀️
Nowadays it’s super hard to “vet” based on family history because most ppl are disjointed and estranged from family. It’s really a gamble outchea
That estrangement is a red flag.
@@VeeKayGreenerGrassdefinitely a flag, it I wasn’t had a friend estrange their family because they were light skinned and the mothers side was racist af. Truly depends on the circumstances. My friend is and amazing person btw.
So true!!! That is true!!! No matter how nice someone is. If he comes from a broken family, that person will repeat everything. Only very rarely can someone break out. The probability is higher that you will lose your partner to the destructive behavior this person has learned from home. The greatest love between you cannot save you.
Not always true. My husband was raised in chaos and he has made it a point to be the total opposite
He’s an outlier.
This is a response to the young Asian lady speaking about "What about the guys who have done the work etc". A lot of these types of guys will go to therapy and get a bunch of new buzzwords to pepper into their conversations to convey that they're better than those monsters. I have learned the hard way that (some) guys like that use their new vocabulary to manipulate you and hurt you in other ways. I was in a relationship in which the guy would play mind games to make me cry just for fun. If he had a bad day, I was going to hear about it and I'm at fault. Just because abuse isn't physical, doesn't mean it's not abuse. Every single guy needs to be vetted. You need to keep your heart protected for a long enough time (usually 6 months, maybe more) that if he was wearing a mask, it had time to slip.
Pity is a way to get empathy from you. If You have empathy for him, you're more likely to fall in love. Don't fall for his pity stories about his childhood. If he brings them up a lot and at inappropriate times, bookmark that shit with a red flag.
Vetting will still mean nothing if you don't react to the first red flag. The first time the guy did what you said (taking out his bad day on you) should have been the last time you ever talked to him. If we don't react IMMEDIATELY, it won't matter how well we vet, and that's tripping women up because they think the work is done when it's NOT.
You also need to investigate if the person has a history of mental illness or incarceration themselves or in their family. And make sure that you don't tell them about any past trauma (at least for a long time after they've shown themselves trustworthy), especially IPV/DV.
So Ri threw a phone at him. So he had the right to choke her to the point where he almost broke her windpipe? That girl sounds like a pickme.
As a former trauma therapist who worked with many DV/SA/HT victims, please do not listen to the woman in the black “Wife Life” shirt. Everything she is saying is statistically inaccurate 🤦🏽♀️
Everyone is not a product of their environment!
This is 100 percent true! I should have realized that men who don’t respect their moms or seen their mothers getting abused whether physically or mentally you have to really be careful. My sons father was terrible to his mom but we both came from fostercare and had experienced things most other haven’t but in reality when I got pregnant a whole new person came out of even after all the talks I swore we had he showed me a whole new person that I would have never imagined once I became the mother of his son who he abandoned. I’m glad women are seeing the truth in these men
I agree with the Asian girl’s point that people should not be judged and instantly rejected solely based on having grown up in an abusive or otherwise dysfunctional family. You should try to find out if they have done the work to heal themselves.
Yes, it’s common for men who watched their mother get abused to grow up to also become abusers. And I def think that should be taken as a red flag and a woman should proceed with caution if they find out the man they’re seeing witnessed abused as a child.
However vetting is still not easy as many might not be very forthcoming about the type of trauma or dysfunction they’ve been through in their family. Not everyone is immediately going to open up and tell you about such things. Some people don’t even know they’ve been traumatized or abused by things they saw or things that were done to them when they were children.
You can do your best to vet but know there is no way to vet that guarantees you don’t wind up in a bad relationship.
You don’t have to find out if he/she done he work or not. We all have the right to enter a relationship with whoever we choose. So if you don’t want to date someone who witnessed their parents being abused or abusing it’s your life your prerogative.
@@SJP43what they said was a point made NOT a point for you to argue 🙄 get a grip
I guess she is one of those who would like to stick around and find out the hard way. These warnings are based on statistics- if abuse is more likely to happen, why would you want to chance it. I agree this is not a point to argue.
@@CharM-jq8ziso should a man not date a woman who was sexually abused because they may be more likely to be sexually active or abusers themselves???
In Islam you are advised to get to know your intended's family. You can learn alot about a person from their origins, seeing how they treat those closest to them in intimate, closed, settings and seeing how others treat them (reactions to their treatment of the person).
If an educated decision is to be made the step of getting to know the family and its dynamic is wise advice.
In islam, u get to know the family more than the woman ur marrying lol😂 it's f**** up
@@beeshdos5410there are billions of Muslims on the planet. You know that your statement is not true across the board, right?
@@purpleflows5680 and you do know that this custom is done by the striking majority of all Muslims everywhere, right? And the only exceptions are the apostates and the fully secular ones who know nothing about Islam but would leave it the second they learned the truth, even with the punishment for apostasy being death.
Just a slight edit: *vetting (making a careful and critical examination of something/someone) not venting.
thank you🙏
@@DestinyUteh 🤎
Ladies listen closely. I dated someone like this. But he was very nice to his mother but hated his sister. He believed a womans love is unconditional and that she will stay and put up with a man through ANY treatment. And all this because he saw that his mother stayed and took the abuse. He had a twisted view of "true love" and believed women were stupid and brainless.
I've taken a few infant and early childhood mental health electives. She's right. Most times children who witness DV become the perpetrators or victims of DV. The odds are not in your favor to not be hurt when dealing with them. They need extensive therapy. Most ppl will confirm that most of their issues stem from childhood trauma.
It's sad but true. The same family dynamic that caused that DV means that kid is not learning how to deal with people in a healthy way. You really can't expect them to know better unless maybe someone else took over their care at a young age. I went through this earlier this year with someone I was really interested in. When they told me all about their family dynamics and I carefully watched the way they behaved, I came to the conclusion that this person is probably forever broken and cannot be in anything but toxic relationships. And the sad part was they knew it. They didn't know how to change, even though they really wanted to.
Another good point is, that a lot of women stay in abusive relationships for the "KIDS" not knowing that the abuse she is enduring is traumatizing the "KIDS".
What is most important is observing THAT person. How are they when they are stressed, upset, aggravated? How are they when they don’t get what they want or disagree with you? How are they when they feel you did something to hurt them? How do you see them handling disagreements with friends and relatives? Coworkers? This tells you more.
You can come from a messed up background and not repeat the same patterns, particularly if you are self-aware and have proactively worked on yourself. Or, if it just wasn’t in your nature to be the way you were raised.
A man could look at me and see my fractured family and think that says something about me and he could be completely wrong. I can only control myself and how I deal. The unevolved members of my family I am not responsible for. To be judged by them and their behaviors would be insulting.
The family dynamic is important in terms of setting boundaries. I will not date someone who has poor boundaries with their family. I won't be an AH and say that I will only date somebody who has a great family, because you don't control the family that you're born into. What you can control is how you deal with the family that you have. If your family is crazy, then you need to have appropriate boundaries in place to deal with that crazy. That might mean that you don't deal with them.
For those who don't understand what you're actually looking at... you're looking to see if a person is securely attached. You're looking to see what type of programming a person received from their parental units. This programming is going to set the expectations about relationships that a person has. You have to understand the environment that a person grew up in and look to see if they have any unhealthy behaviors as a result. If a person has an insecure attachment, you can probably just go ahead and bail. It can be healed look into subconscious reprogramming from the personal development School) but honestly I wouldn't waste my time. Unfortunately, single Parenthood is automatic insecure attachment, unless your parent was profoundly intentional about cultivating a secure attachment. You will also have the attachment style of your parents. Please note, that you can still have attachment trauma in a two-parent home!!!!!! Just like the lady in the peach said!!!!
Children's love language is physical presence. A single parent who has to work literally can't be there. If the child was abandoned by their other parent, that's automatic attachment trauma. You have to work to overcome that as a single parent and probably only 1% of you even know what a secure attachment is. If you have a toxic marriage you will have insecurely attached children. Remember, your duty is to model healthy behaviors for your children. If you can't do that in your marriage, then do it as a healthy co-parenting relationship. You don't get to stay in a dysfunctional marriage, for the sake of the kids.
I would not recommend just ditching someone because they saw certain things in their childhood. It's a two-part process. You observe the family dynamic and see what that represents. You then you inquire about that person's personal culture. You assess their expectations about relationships and desires Etc. Actually, it's a three-part process because once you listen to what they say their personal culture is, you then need to validate it against their actions.
This is the key part!!!! A person will tell you that they value family and want to have three kids and settle down. However, when you look at the moves that they've made in their life, their actions tell a different story. Dude is unemployed and sleeping on somebody's couch talking about he wants to be a family man😂😂😂. The same for a woman. A woman who is seeking to find a life partner and husband, isn't out running the streets till 3:00 a.m. hooking up with different random dudes. Once you collect the research information, you use the rest of the dating experience to test out your hypothesis.
Chris Brown and Darius demonstrated other traits would have disqualified them from dating in the first place. You don't even need to go that deep. Darius was basically unemployed and Kiki was a millionaire. It should never should have started.
I really enjoyed reading your reply. Well written and extremely knowledgeable. 👏. I am a young woman interested in learning about how to vet men and male psychology. Can you recommend any resources/books/videos? I aspire to your level of understanding.
I really like this conversation. It's really insightful and something I didn't know to look out for. However nothing is one size fits all. If he's done the work on himself, self-reflection, therapy working on any misogyny he's been exposed to, it could work. A lot of people become good people due to their bad past, not in spite of it
ALSO, if after you've met his family and they are not dysfunctional, but for some reason or other he seems to be an outsider that is also a red flag. HE may be the toxic member of the family. I met my fiance's family and they were cool, a family of professionals, etc. They were friendly, but he didn't seem to gel with them. I thought, "Okay. Sometimes you 're not close to your family". Turns out, they didn't warn me, because they didn't want his crazy ass fixating on one of them. He was intense, controlling, and eventually physically abusive. Ladies, I don't know what to say about vetting a man. I learned later on that his mother was physically abused by his father. When I phoned his lawyer brother about him he told me all about his police officer father who beat the hell out of their mother. I asked him after some time listening to the stories, "Why didn't you warn me?' He got quiet for the first time. "I said knowing his history, you knew he was going to take me through hell. Why didn't you warn me? I am someone's sister, daughter, mother... didn't I deserve your protection?" He was still quiet. After a second, I hung up.
Family relationships are VERY important. Also health history!!! People will hide all their ailments and then when the child ends up with something….here comes the truth!!
12:54 "How is it the child's fault?" It's not but they aren't dating a child, they are dating an adult and, regardless of what happened in your childhood, as an adult It's your responsibility to do the work and deal with the trauma and dysfunction you were raised in. Very few men do this and even most women don't. So, a dude who witnessed DV at home who is currently in therapy and has been for years, who has healthy coping mechanisms for his triggers and the communication skills to handle problems without DV is one thing. I have never, not once in my 44 years, met a man like that. I have seen a handful on TV and in movies but they're usually fictional and written by women. It's another example of holding women accountable for men's bad behavior. She should just put up with it and try to make it work and the man has no expectations whatsoever to do anything about it. This is what internalized misogyny looks like. In theory she is not wrong. Under patriarchy, which is where we all live, this is utterly foolish.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Yes. Defiantly! We become our parents and do what we saw as normal.
My brother & my cousin witnessed male spousal abuse, they consciously decided to be better men & leaders in the community, a toxic history does not have to be repeated, it's important to inform yourself about a man's background then see how he moves.
My heart goes out to the former cop. I can tell she’s endured a lot.
Vet the family and make sure it’s his real biological family!
Dating is not charity
Why the emphasis on real biological family? Do you skip people who were adopted? Or am I misunderstanding and you mean something else?
@hope3290 people will lie about they real family!
@@michelleisme6242 Ah, okay. Thanks for the clarification!
I really hope that second woman gets the healing she needs. Also I think familial history is relevant, but I think it mostly matters if the man/woman is willing to put in the work.
She is telling the truth. Family background is important. Ask questions, you gotta know who you dealing with.
I agree with the lady when she says vet the family ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEM FAMILY. you can’t always go based off that but more than likely those same values are within them also, just hidden unless they’ve done the inner work.
I remember I dated this guy, and his mother asked me if I was good with money? That was the question that made me pay attention.
She probably was worried that you are one of those brods that will spends all a man's money.
Hope the pun wasn't intended??🤭
Vetting men is crucial and requires discernment. Also, be wise. I grew in toxic poverty, foster care, and around the worse examples, yet I turned out the complete opposite. I saw exactly how I didn't want my life to be, so I intentionally didn't repeat the cycles. So I know this could be a possibility for others as well.
My husband cut his father and his father off. They are some negative people but his mom!!! Must be God’s angel. She is so sweet, loving, kind, and beautiful and he got all her traits.
100% agree. I grew up being abused my my father and his family. I spent 15 yrs trying to find the acceptance and love i never recieved as a child. I found all the wrong people because abuse made me comfortable. I unconsiously sought out the same environment i was raised in. Family history matters to a degree, its not the ENTIRE story but it sure does tell you a lot. I am working theu my baggage now ive spent the better part of 4 years fixing the damage done. And i,have to tell you there was a lot. And im sure all those ahit guys saw the perfect victim to take advantage of. I had a few good guys here and there but the fast majority saw my scars and played me like a fiddle.
Yes. Vetting a dude before getting involved with him is definitely important.
And check his phone, too.
People abused tend to have a trauma response. They usually choose between extremes. Either abusive themselves or protective. But even if men who have seen or been subjected to abuse arent violent, if they dont seek help they can still have unhealthy responses. Avoiding conflict, people pleasing, and a tendency toward abusive partners for instance. It can be hard to identify toxic behavior without support
I was raised by an alcoholic parent and the other parent was too sick to leave. The non drinking parent told me to not date or marry a partner who did drink.
I agree with the lady that said men/people that never had an abusive parents can also be abusive. My first bf was a spoiled brat by his mother and never learned to be kind and loving. His dad was an extremely kind man. My ex would degrade me and humiliate me and choke me. He was just a plain narcissist.
Definitely true and I learned it the hard way. Now getting actively working on a divorce.
A lot of people responded that you shouldn’t just walk after finding that your date had an abusive family but that is not the whole conversation, it’s also about if they are still enmeshed in that toxic family.
If the FBI, CIA, US Army cannot 100% vet people how will us women vet?!
They can vet ppl. They literally want the psychos and tell you that they do not. You cannot be moral and work at those places.
They 100% vet. They want people who are unstable and are willing to do anything without question. Someone willing to get their hands dirty and with a ego big enough to believe they are "the good guys".
They live what they learn 💯
That's what we should have been doing all along !! We give more thought to who we go to the Senior Prom with, than who we are considering marrying. The Prom is one night, marriage is supposed to be for a lifetime.
Absolutely vet and always proceed with caution. My uncle watched my grandpa beat my grandma. I watched that uncle put his pregnant girlfriend in a chokehold when I was five. Years later, he married a seasoned social worker that didn’t take his shit, hit him back (harder) and made him go to therapy. 😂 Thank you auntie, he’s only slightly insufferable now!
I've been saying this for yearssss! When you meet someone, you are meeting everything that has happened prior to you, good or bad. Even if you date someone for ten years, you only know ten years of them, not the prior 15, 20, or more years before then. You don't know what you'll end up with. Scary!!!
Also, everything that the 2nd person said was spot on. Her name is spiritual whistleblower. I went through the exact same situation. Only the Most High got me out of that situation. The family was crazy as hell!
BINGO. And if you come from a traumatic background and are doing the work don't assume others have that same courage. Just because you know why someone acts a certain way doesn't mean you have to put up with it. RUN.
The cop hit the nail on the head!
Family dynamics matter.
The young woman with the glasses missed the entire point . She literally said that if they have not healed from the dysfunction, not punish them because of their circumstances.
You cannot vet. All you can do is be a complete person, healed person, independent person that can leave immediately when people switch up or take off the mask they wore while pursuing you.
I think that as long the person is willing to distance themselves from their toxic family then they have the will and strength to do better
Ppl who disagreed with her .. obviously came from said family. And took it personal. She is simply speaking on VETTING!!! Like a sifter ...
I don't think it's the family in every instance, there is also social media, your peers, and the culture. My brother would talk a lot of crap about his wife and my mom fell for it every time. She started to tell me how the girl was evil. I told her she better stay out of her son's relationship because he has to sleep with and live with the woman he chose. Anyway, later we found out that he was using my mom's trash talk as an excuse to treat the girl bad and say a lot of crap to down her self- esteem.
One thing I'm learning from this, is that everyone is a little bit f***ked up. And it's not our fault that we grew up in abusive homes, dysfunctional homes, single-parented homes etc. It's not your fault. We are born into these situations and grow up in them. But as an adult, you have to decide that you want to be different. Make the hard decision of cutting off toxic family members and going to therapy etc. It's just that people don't want to talk about their past traumas because of the fear of being judged. Which is true. The work goes both ways, the other partner should extend some grace and create a safe space for the one who has suffered...if they show that they are willing to change.
Girl..... this was on a real real level wow! I needed this more then I thought I needed to hear this!
I like how he is comparing whether or not mom cooked as to whether or not mom got beat up. He already failed my vetting test
I like the ex prison guard , telling her unfortunate situations. Sis needs a u tube story time . I pictured everything she verbalized . ❤😊
Yes ex husband mother was raped murdred father couldn’t take care of four kids farmed them out he was a mess asked him to go for help he said no. After so many episodes of of BS I said bye got a divorce best decision ever
I literally just went through this 48hrs ago. He popped up to my house unannounced because I was ignoring him and he beat me with a broom.
Why are people trying to change this woman's mind? That's her standard if you don't like it go ahead. That means that there's more men for you who have been no situations when you felt unquote, bad for You will help them. Let's stop telling people what they shouldn't should not accept because if they end up in a bad relationship. They're gonna come looking at you. Because they said they wouldn't accept it. And here you go, tell them what to do. That's their instinct. 26:17
The lady in the black tshirt had a weird POV. Ppl who have seen abuse definitely turn out to be abused or be an abuser more. There are a few who decide they never want to be like what they saw. As for her opinion on chris brown...🙄
She's bassically saying really get to know ppl and YES ppl can change...dang ppl just want argure for no reason!!
That lady in the peach was on point. Sounds like Prince Harry and Megan. The royal family went in on her because she wanted Harry to live his best life!!!!!
That second lady with the glasses was sooooooooo on point. I applaud her. Straight shooter 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
The second lady with the hair wrap and red shirt. I'm telling you. She is absolutely 100% without a doubt. Correct went through it, know about it. Everything she said is true and on point vet him and the family members.
I understand what she’s saying but people shouldn’t be fully judged based on their families. There are people who are trying to break generational curses and better themselves. I’ll never judge a potential romantic partner because their family are dysfunctional but instead I’ll judge them if they are enabling their toxic family behaviour.
All in all, judge people as individuals instead of just their families.
we need to start talking in code cause soon enough men will start tuning in and learning how to by pass our vetting systems lol
I thought it wasn’t as important, but having experienced things, I now see why it is important to know about their childhood.
All men, guilty until proven innocent. Stick to that rule
The stitch with the women with Wife Life was taking absolute nonsense! First of all Chris dusty Brown has abused multiple women??? Second, without therapy and distance from toxic families, there is a high likelihood childhood victims of abuse will go on to abuse others because thats all they know. She is correct some people don't, but they seek help and prioritise healing. Men typically DO NOT get therapy which is why WOMEN must ask the questions and vet.
Abusers always get MORE ABUSIVE and manipulative if they get into therapy! There is NO CURE for an abuser and no way to change them, especially because they are highly sadistic and they ENJOY abusing!! That’s why we must stay away from them.
Of course their family dynamics influence who they are. This is called discernment and it goes both ways.
You have to standards and boundaries. You can vet all you want. Most relationships are going to end. He had me meet his family immediately! His parents are together to this day. We’ve been together for 17 years
Loving the hair! Can I have details on it please? If you don’t mind 😊
i wish i have details of the hair. i got it from a beauty exhibition there was no brand name on it
@@DestinyUteh Awww that’s ok! It’s lovely!
Everything the lady with the glasses and head wrap stated is TRUE.
💯 💯 💯 💯
I think even taking it as far as knowing people family health history. If schizophrenic run in the family, there’s a chance y’all will have a child with it.
Amina (the podcast host woman) got these men in a chokehold. And that’s cause she’s right majority of the time.
Yes. Absolutely. Saw his dad abuse and hit his mama right in front of me. He tried hitting me on that same day. I said bye. Yep, both abusers had a mother and a father. Didn't matter. If anything they were both mysoginistic. His own mother warned me about him. He had a PhD in Physics and started making 6 figures. Yet, is a psychopath.
Their family and the lack there of I learned this the hard way by having a child with him 😒 don’t do that to yourself now that I’m older I can look back and see where I went wrong and I made all the mistakes