A world that is calmer than this one. A world that doesn't try to break you. A world where I can have fun. But that's just a dream a wish. A fantasy....
hello! how are you guys? i hope everyone is well! feel free to reply to this comment if anything is troubling you, i'll hear you out! i wish everyone a good day, or night! and remember, dont give up!
*Where I stand today.* A vent writing essay by Luis Barbera. December 15, 2024 It's the mental exhaustion that really hurts the most, I'm tired and want to go home, but I'm already home. Weird, right? I sleep a healthy amount usually, I eat healthy, get all the sunshine, and exercise a growing child needs, yet my mind always feels foggy and blurry. It's hard to do anything now. It feels like everything is momentum based; I can't focus at all and keep getting sidetracked on other stuff. But when I do finally focus, it's impossible to pry me away from the task, and when I'm done, I zoom over to another and get that done really efficiently. Then I'm tired and can't do anything for a bit. It's like if doing anything was an ice level in a platformer game. I hate ice levels in platformer games. It's also that since I'm honestly not feeling that great right now, the jokes and personalities that me and my friends have had of "the more mean I am to you, the closer of a friend I am." Hurts more because it's hard to tell the difference between literal and when someone is joking. I can usually tell, but now, with this weird feeling of... my thoughts feeling blurry or foggy, I take everything literally, and it hurts like hell. They don't mean any harm, never have. I shouldn't have to be constantly rearranging boundaries. I'm becoming too whiny to be a good friend. "Let's move to this other side of the field so we aren't near the loud speakers." "Please mate, I don't feel comfortable with jokes like this that are physical touch related."My head hurts, the music is so loud." I CAN'T EVEN FUNCTION LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING! Why? Why do I have to be the one carrying this pain? No one else even knows what I'm talking about. Maybe Alex, I've been a little open with him, but I fight this all behind closed doors. I felt that pain when Alex was so sad and miserable a few months ago, I felt it was my responsibility as a friend to be there for him, I felt that too much. I worried constantly about if he'd be alright, especially considering he made some suicidal jokes here and there. I don't want any of the people I care about the most to feel that pain, that worry. So I deal with this by myself. Just hang in there, Luis. Things will get better. Have hope. December 18th, 2024 It was such a crazy revelation to me that my friend (and former crush) also had similar autistic symptoms to me. that's why my mind liked her back then. Without even knowing what autism was,_ much less that either of us even had symptoms, I still related to her. whole life I've been able to make friends, but as close as I get to them, and much as we can relate and have a good time, I can tell they always see life differently from me, what I think normal is weird to them, and vice-versa. My whole life, I've tried (and usually succeeded) at trying to act "_normal_" if you get what I mean. I study and pay close attention to how the people around me behave, and I copy those characteristics. When someone calls me out for something I do that they don't like, I learn to stop or reduce that: I've tried to stop talking and ranting as much, I've tried to prevent myself from making puns and references since Mathias and Alex don't like it (I think), and I've thought of how miserable it feels to try and change when you should make others accept you. That's why I ended up liking her. As Selena's parents said, Gaby has roughly the same symptoms of ASD that I do. It feels so nice to have someone to talk to that genuinely sees the world the same and perceives life in my same weird, autistic way. Last night was a really bad night for me, probably the worst depressive episode I've ever had, that's why I was up so late (1:30 AM.) But she was also awake, we had a really fun, silly, goofy conversation that really lightened me up. That feeling of having someone who is completely oblivious to what I'm going through yet still provides great comfort just by having a normal conversation is honestly the best feeling out there. She has absolutely no clue that I'm fighting depressive episodes or anything like that, and yet just by having a normal conversation, she can still lighten up my mood and help me there. What do you think are the odds that she thinks the same? Isn't feeling well, which is why she is still up until 3:10 AM talking to me, and my conversation was what helped her out? I hope not. I don't want anyone I care about to go through what I'm going through. I do hope I at least made her day a bit better in return. Even though I'm not diagnosed, I still trail a massive barrage of signs of autism. Strong passions about random topics, social awkwardness, doing stuff that's weird to others (like pre-planning conversations in my head), being too literal, sticking to routine too much, being helplessly introverted and a fanatic of being by myself, amoung others. Knowing that these characteristics that I've shunned myself for are reflected in this girl is what, subconsciously, made me like her. We are good friends now. I am writing this at 1:58 AM on December 27 2024, 1:00 PM of today is gonna be her birthday party. 12 more hours. If you are somehow reading this, thanks for helping me out with life, Gaby. Have a good one, see you later today. December 20th, 2024 It's hard. It's so weird, I'm sad, but no matter how much brainpower I put into it, I can't come up with a reason why. I'm just lost. I need to be more open. But I don't want to stress the others around me. I don't know how to get help. Do I just break down in front of my parents and have them send to the psychiatrist? How do I fully accept myself? Why is it so hard to understand who Luis Barbera is? I'm me, I should know who I am. But I don't. I can't. I've always been weird and stuff, but it never bothered me that I was the "loner" most of the time. But now it does? What changed? Im missing out on living life. I wish I had stayed unaware of the fact that I have AuDHD, I would be so much happier. But everything would have come crashing down eventually, better now than ever, right? Right?... December 21th, 2024 I say it as if I knew it. I'm not diagnosed with anything. I keep saying I am because I have an insane amount of symptoms, and even people with the disorders have, on their own, told me I probably have them. It's soo lonely, no one else in my friend groups has what I probably have, except for her. And no one even knows my current situation since I keep it under lock and key. I'm spiraling, and I don't think this joting what comes to mind is helping much. This will probably be the last entry, I will find better ways to cope. December 26th, 2024 Welp, I'm back to vent writing. I was doing way better. Really, my life was turning up. But now I feel like I'm spiraling again. Writing helped me before, so I will keep writing. It feels like whatever I do, my autism gets in the way. I want to say something that can be one or two sentences, and then I drag out details and take two minutes explaining. Of course no one likes me talking that much because it's annoying. I always talk too much, but when I try not to, I wind up not talking at all. I can't hit that balance, because I don't know where it is. I wish people knew how I work, and genuinely did know how to deal with me without hurting my feelings. But I take stuff too literally, I don't understand some common phrases. I'm weird... it's... so hard to act normal. I've lived for so long trying to learn how to be "normal" and mimicking that, that I've forgotten who I am. These last few days were of major self discovery. I'm just a goofy, silly kid with strong passions and opinions. No one, especially me, should take that away from me. I'm not a "people pleaser," I'm just a "people please stop judging me" person.i don't know why, but over the last few weeks, I've become much more closeted and quiet. I don't want to keep being so loud and rambunctious, because it tires. I was so close to finally being happy, free from this... feeling, but then I yapped a little too hard, and then then got annoyed at me, and right back down I go. When do I get to be back to normal Luis happiness levels again? I can't keep living like this. I need to talk to someone about it. I need to close this chapter for good. Almost there, keep going! December 28th, 2024 Please I need some positivity. I feel like everything I do gets stepped on unknowingly. They don't mean harm... I think. But I dunno, maybe they do mean want they say? When my cousin used to bully me, I didn't realize because I would cling on to those good memories and say "he doesn't mean it, he's a good person." He was not a good person. Am I missing clear signs? Am I being bullied? Am I being too over sensitive again? I do that so much, I'm so frail and oh no that's not fun when it's not a big deal. I get bullied for being a naturally fragile, loner type person who is very socially awkward and is a fan a being by myself, with myself. I am a very artistic person, but sometimes I prefer drawing or building with lego rather than being with friends. Is that bad? Shouldn't I be more outgoing and cheerful? December 29th, 2024 Growing up, I was always a very extroverted and cheery kid. Bouncing off walls and joyous ranting was the norm for me. Now I'm quiet, unfocused, and will randomly start ranting too much. "You will be a better person if you choose to be yourself." Well you and others have taught me that I talk too much, take stuff too literally or not enough, and overall just not work well. I'm not good enough to fit my own expectations as a friend. That's. Why. I. Mask. I learn how to be, in my eyes, a better person. Is that not self-betterment? What is then? What must I do to improve?
@@Luisk.10 i dont know what to say... i dont wanna say something like "be yourself" because its bullshit... if you feel like you dont fit your current friends, maybe you could try finding other people interested in things you are intrested in, such as art. or maybe try... isolating? cutting yourself off of your friends for a day to see how you feel without them. you could try some sort of a helping club in your city where you wont be judged and can just say anything you want, there should be something like this. you dont have to do any of those things, im not a classified psychologist or anyone like this, hell, im probably younger than you. but please, stay strong, if not for your friends, then for your parents, if not for your parents, then for your pets(if you have any), if not for your pets, then for yourself. i know it must be hard, but youre not weird. everyone is different. you just have to find a place you fit in. i know its easy to say, but you cant give up
Since I found this channel about 3 months ago I've manually checked everyday for uploads, not trusting RUclips's sub system anymore. Unfortunately this channel seems to never make it to my sub box ever. Anyway, I really appreciate your work. It's got something in it that I just cannot describe. It really grips at my heart and makes me feel something. Usually, sadness or longing but I don't want that to come across at negative. Thanks for your hard work mate, you make some truly special stuff.
You're vibe or feel of music is the type i really enjoy. I like the melancholy feeling of this genre and some have found it weird before but I love it.
Такая музыка напоминает мне моменты приятного одиночества. Например когда зимой идешь домой с работы. Совсем один по заснеженному пути. Или когда весной сижу на кресле, на заднем дворе, и воздух, свежий и прохладный, он будто проходит сквозь мои легкие. Такие моменты хочется продлить до вечности. Если и есть рай, то в нем играет именно такая музыка.
I know it harsh but I think the world is equally brutal to everyone in ita own way. We can only create our dream world and don't hope that dead will bring us to it.
A world that is calmer than this one.
A world that doesn't try to break you.
A world where I can have fun.
But that's just a dream a wish. A fantasy....
Where's the truck that will send me to another world
i wish my dreams were to just watch someone i love peacefully lay down in a field of flowers
hello! how are you guys? i hope everyone is well! feel free to reply to this comment if anything is troubling you, i'll hear you out! i wish everyone a good day, or night! and remember, dont give up!
your comment is so heart warming, thanks , and have a good day/night.
@Darkside07543 i know its not much, but i just like helping people. have a good day/night as well, its night for me(tommorow's school again D:)
Thanks bro
*Where I stand today.*
A vent writing essay by Luis Barbera.
December 15, 2024
It's the mental exhaustion that really hurts the most, I'm tired and want to go home, but I'm already home. Weird, right? I sleep a healthy amount usually, I eat healthy, get all the sunshine, and exercise a growing child needs, yet my mind always feels foggy and blurry. It's hard to do anything now. It feels like everything is momentum based; I can't focus at all and keep getting sidetracked on other stuff. But when I do finally focus, it's impossible to pry me away from the task, and when I'm done, I zoom over to another and get that done really efficiently. Then I'm tired and can't do anything for a bit. It's like if doing anything was an ice level in a platformer game. I hate ice levels in platformer games. It's also that since I'm honestly not feeling that great right now, the jokes and personalities that me and my friends have had of "the more mean I am to you, the closer of a friend I am." Hurts more because it's hard to tell the difference between literal and when someone is joking. I can usually tell, but now, with this weird feeling of... my thoughts feeling blurry or foggy, I take everything literally, and it hurts like hell. They don't mean any harm, never have. I shouldn't have to be constantly rearranging boundaries. I'm becoming too whiny to be a good friend. "Let's move to this other side of the field so we aren't near the loud speakers." "Please mate, I don't feel comfortable with jokes like this that are physical touch related."My head hurts, the music is so loud." I CAN'T EVEN FUNCTION LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING! Why? Why do I have to be the one carrying this pain? No one else even knows what I'm talking about. Maybe Alex, I've been a little open with him, but I fight this all behind closed doors. I felt that pain when Alex was so sad and miserable a few months ago, I felt it was my responsibility as a friend to be there for him, I felt that too much. I worried constantly about if he'd be alright, especially considering he made some suicidal jokes here and there. I don't want any of the people I care about the most to feel that pain, that worry. So I deal with this by myself. Just hang in there, Luis. Things will get better. Have hope.
December 18th, 2024
It was such a crazy revelation to me that my friend (and former crush) also had similar autistic symptoms to me. that's why my mind liked her back then. Without even knowing what autism was,_ much less that either of us even had symptoms, I still related to her. whole life I've been able to make friends, but as close as I get to them, and much as we can relate and have a good time, I can tell they always see life differently from me, what I think normal is weird to them, and vice-versa. My whole life, I've tried (and usually succeeded) at trying to act "_normal_" if you get what I mean. I study and pay close attention to how the people around me behave, and I copy those characteristics. When someone calls me out for something I do that they don't like, I learn to stop or reduce that: I've tried to stop talking and ranting as much, I've tried to prevent myself from making puns and references since Mathias and Alex don't like it (I think), and I've thought of how miserable it feels to try and change when you should make others accept you. That's why I ended up liking her. As Selena's parents said, Gaby has roughly the same symptoms of ASD that I do. It feels so nice to have someone to talk to that genuinely sees the world the same and perceives life in my same weird, autistic way. Last night was a really bad night for me, probably the worst depressive episode I've ever had, that's why I was up so late (1:30 AM.) But she was also awake, we had a really fun, silly, goofy conversation that really lightened me up. That feeling of having someone who is completely oblivious to what I'm going through yet still provides great comfort just by having a normal conversation is honestly the best feeling out there. She has absolutely no clue that I'm fighting depressive episodes or anything like that, and yet just by having a normal conversation, she can still lighten up my mood and help me there. What do you think are the odds that she thinks the same? Isn't feeling well, which is why she is still up until 3:10 AM talking to me, and my conversation was what helped her out? I hope not. I don't want anyone I care about to go through what I'm going through. I do hope I at least made her day a bit better in return. Even though I'm not diagnosed, I still trail a massive barrage of signs of autism. Strong passions about random topics, social awkwardness, doing stuff that's weird to others (like pre-planning conversations in my head), being too literal, sticking to routine too much, being helplessly introverted and a fanatic of being by myself, amoung others. Knowing that these characteristics that I've shunned myself for are reflected in this girl is what, subconsciously, made me like her. We are good friends now. I am writing this at 1:58 AM on December 27 2024, 1:00 PM of today is gonna be her birthday party. 12 more hours. If you are somehow reading this, thanks for helping me out with life, Gaby. Have a good one, see you later today.
December 20th, 2024
It's hard. It's so weird, I'm sad, but no matter how much brainpower I put into it, I can't come up with a reason why. I'm just lost. I need to be more open. But I don't want to stress the others around me. I don't know how to get help. Do I just break down in front of my parents and have them send to the psychiatrist? How do I fully accept myself? Why is it so hard to understand who Luis Barbera is? I'm me, I should know who I am. But I don't. I can't. I've always been weird and stuff, but it never bothered me that I was the "loner" most of the time. But now it does? What changed? Im missing out on living life. I wish I had stayed unaware of the fact that I have AuDHD, I would be so much happier. But everything would have come crashing down eventually, better now than ever, right? Right?...
December 21th, 2024
I say it as if I knew it. I'm not diagnosed with anything. I keep saying I am because I have an insane amount of symptoms, and even people with the disorders have, on their own, told me I probably have them. It's soo lonely, no one else in my friend groups has what I probably have, except for her. And no one even knows my current situation since I keep it under lock and key. I'm spiraling, and I don't think this joting what comes to mind is helping much. This will probably be the last entry, I will find better ways to cope.
December 26th, 2024
Welp, I'm back to vent writing. I was doing way better. Really, my life was turning up. But now I feel like I'm spiraling again. Writing helped me before, so I will keep writing. It feels like whatever I do, my autism gets in the way. I want to say something that can be one or two sentences, and then I drag out details and take two minutes explaining. Of course no one likes me talking that much because it's annoying. I always talk too much, but when I try not to, I wind up not talking at all. I can't hit that balance, because I don't know where it is. I wish people knew how I work, and genuinely did know how to deal with me without hurting my feelings. But I take stuff too literally, I don't understand some common phrases. I'm weird... it's... so hard to act normal. I've lived for so long trying to learn how to be "normal" and mimicking that, that I've forgotten who I am. These last few days were of major self discovery. I'm just a goofy, silly kid with strong passions and opinions. No one, especially me, should take that away from me. I'm not a "people pleaser," I'm just a "people please stop judging me" person.i don't know why, but over the last few weeks, I've become much more closeted and quiet. I don't want to keep being so loud and rambunctious, because it tires. I was so close to finally being happy, free from this... feeling, but then I yapped a little too hard, and then then got annoyed at me, and right back down I go. When do I get to be back to normal Luis happiness levels again? I can't keep living like this. I need to talk to someone about it. I need to close this chapter for good.
Almost there, keep going!
December 28th, 2024
Please I need some positivity. I feel like everything I do gets stepped on unknowingly. They don't mean harm... I think. But I dunno, maybe they do mean want they say? When my cousin used to bully me, I didn't realize because I would cling on to those good memories and say "he doesn't mean it, he's a good person." He was not a good person. Am I missing clear signs? Am I being bullied? Am I being too over sensitive again?
I do that so much, I'm so frail and oh no that's not fun when it's not a big deal. I get bullied for being a naturally fragile, loner type person who is very socially awkward and is a fan a being by myself, with myself. I am a very artistic person, but sometimes I prefer drawing or building with lego rather than being with friends. Is that bad? Shouldn't I be more outgoing and cheerful?
December 29th, 2024
Growing up, I was always a very extroverted and cheery kid. Bouncing off walls and joyous ranting was the norm for me. Now I'm quiet, unfocused, and will randomly start ranting too much. "You will be a better person if you choose to be yourself." Well you and others have taught me that I talk too much, take stuff too literally or not enough, and overall just not work well. I'm not good enough to fit my own expectations as a friend. That's. Why. I. Mask. I learn how to be, in my eyes, a better person. Is that not self-betterment? What is then? What must I do to improve?
@@Luisk.10 i dont know what to say... i dont wanna say something like "be yourself" because its bullshit... if you feel like you dont fit your current friends, maybe you could try finding other people interested in things you are intrested in, such as art. or maybe try... isolating? cutting yourself off of your friends for a day to see how you feel without them. you could try some sort of a helping club in your city where you wont be judged and can just say anything you want, there should be something like this. you dont have to do any of those things, im not a classified psychologist or anyone like this, hell, im probably younger than you. but please, stay strong, if not for your friends, then for your parents, if not for your parents, then for your pets(if you have any), if not for your pets, then for yourself. i know it must be hard, but youre not weird. everyone is different. you just have to find a place you fit in. i know its easy to say, but you cant give up
Since I found this channel about 3 months ago I've manually checked everyday for uploads, not trusting RUclips's sub system anymore. Unfortunately this channel seems to never make it to my sub box ever. Anyway, I really appreciate your work. It's got something in it that I just cannot describe. It really grips at my heart and makes me feel something. Usually, sadness or longing but I don't want that to come across at negative. Thanks for your hard work mate, you make some truly special stuff.
Yeah I agree
i just want hope
me too
You're vibe or feel of music is the type i really enjoy. I like the melancholy feeling of this genre and some have found it weird before but I love it.
Такая музыка напоминает мне моменты приятного одиночества. Например когда зимой идешь домой с работы. Совсем один по заснеженному пути. Или когда весной сижу на кресле, на заднем дворе, и воздух, свежий и прохладный, он будто проходит сквозь мои легкие. Такие моменты хочется продлить до вечности.
Если и есть рай, то в нем играет именно такая музыка.
Existential dread? Nope
Sowmwhat gives me a feeling I don't know how to explain yes
Ina
My thought send me back to five years ago. All good and bad filling my head.
Me too....me too...
(Then you reincarnated in a much worse situation 💀)
Anyways nice musicnas always ✨
thanks for the video! Your music helps me a lot! keep it up!
Song is really good! I like the clam, saddish feeling of these songs, it helps my thoughts progress more smoothly
Calm*.
@@sleepobeepoeepo no, Clam
I hear a thing, if you don't love what was here with you, when reincarnates, you will born into worse place than now.
I know it harsh but I think the world is equally brutal to everyone in ita own way. We can only create our dream world and don't hope that dead will bring us to it.
i need truck-kun
That was good… I liked it
Same...
Let's goo... another post...❤
Wah
Cover gives omori vibes for some reason
nino :o
Hey, I was wondering. Could you make some positive music? Like synthwave/cyberwave.
Too depressing for you?
@sleepobeepoeepo I dunno. Probably try something... different? It seems that most of your music have similar same temperament
me too
Mf is me 😭
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Please Radical. Just no.
@ sorry for my poor English
I don't understand
Did I break the rules?
Mostly.
@@sleepobeepoeepo oh I'm sorry
do I need to delete this ?
I'd like that, yeah.
Ahh, the urge to travel somewhere far away without telling a soul about it...!
Only to find more loneliness there..🫠🫠
eh? i thought we were frens :( how can you be lonely if i am there? i wont let you be lonely :3
@AIlDefyne 😭😭
@@nikichelak7717 hey mate, dont cry
@AIlDefyne 👍😁
@@nikichelak7717