What the narcissist will say if you POINT OUT THEIR PATTERNS
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 30 янв 2024
- ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
smarturl.it/not-you
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
doctor-ramani.teachable.com/p...
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
www.drramaninetwork.com
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
forms.gle/1RRUz41eWswjw63o6
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
forms.gle/Bv9GNuMSR55PKTjQ6
LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/2fUMDuT...
Stitcher: www.stitcher.com/podcast/how-...
iHeart Radio: www.iheart.com/podcast/1119-n...
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT. 
Развлечения
Point out what a narcissist did wrong and watch them make it about you.
@youngblood8540 , always your fault ! 😢
@@Greenawareness188Hey 👋 lt makes my head spin, every time.
@@youngblood8540Hello !😊 you are right!
Always
@AimeeAimee444 sorry , you had to learn the hard way !
Narcissists call your self awareness a sensitivity when in reality its a strength. 💪
💯
Yes!
Bingo!
❤
Yes 💪
Patterns are not the past if they keep repeating.
EXACTLY...it's ongoing behaviour, which began (or was present) from before a.k.a. *the past*
WORD
That's powerful. It's a current pattern. Thanks!
That's exactly what I said more than once! It was useless.
Very perceptive 👍
You are accused of bring up the past but when it suits their agenda they will bring up the past, like reminding you of the rare occasional mistakes you made.
Or making it up entirely... Other trick is they blame you for things they did, as if you did them but you know you didn't.
Its not really bringing up the past when usually its a behavior or pattern of behavior that theyve continued which is what lead up to you saying anything about it in the first place. In their arguing they throw things like bringing up the past to try to deflect the current issue. And youll end up so frustrated trying to get your point across you say forget it. Dont let them deflect. Dont respond to anything they say if its not about the subject at hand.
🎯
my ex sometimes brought up the past to make me feel miserable with myself but when she made a mistake she literally forbit me to talk about it or mention it and when I finally did, she would just get furious
Was trying to put my finger on what was bugging me and that's it...that they call you out for bringing something up from the past, while they themselves do the same to you to try and make you feel terrible for one thing. And not even acknowledging or showing any remorse for the thing(s) they did in turn.
The narcissist will turn it around and say that “You seem to have a pattern of monitoring and analyzing everything that I do.”
Or if they are kind of smart, they'll change the pattern a bit to throw you off the next time.
Yes. Was done to me. Glad I'm out of that relationship.
Living it!
@@cb9825or they change it the minute after, so they can tell you are wrong because they are not doing the thing you are saying they 're doing
It took us years to note the Narcs "pattern". Every year around Halloween he would go off his rocker and would do crazy things to ruin finances, property, relationships, jobs etc. He always seemed to snap out of it around Valentines Day and come to his senses. His argument was that he was bi-polar, but it always seemed like it was something he could control if he wanted to. When we pointed out the pattern to him, he didn't deny it. Going forward we just worked around it and excluded him from family activities.
If they are responsible for fixing something for you, they will deliberately do a 1/2 a** job,. And if you call them out on it , they'll say you never appreciate anything they do.
Weaponized incompetence everything is always half-assed all the time
Or if they do one little thing for you and expect a trophy for it. Like doing that one thing was MAJOR.
It’s either halfa$$ed or he will have a tantrum while doing it so I won’t ask him for help ever again.
Yeah. It was sort of like that. He would do work and then refuse payment. Later on, he would hold it over my head, like I somehow owed him more. There were always strings attached so I learned to do a lot of stuff myself or hire someone else to come in and fix something.
@@twovirginiacats3753 Or if they invite you somewhere that's normally not what you would do or go (so you decline) , and then because they even asked you, they expect MUCH more in return - because they 'asked' you. It's Creeper101.
The narcissist would say “so you’ve been having this hate in your heart for me for a long time now?”
😂 100%. That you’re resentful. That you keep bringing up the past & never move on.
Oh, yes, that one. That one prompted me to end a longtime friendship. I had finally gotten something off my chest that had been bothering me for a long time. And you guessed it, I was the problem for keeping it within. (When the reason I was keeping it within was to avoid the very response I got.)
The “past” still occurs in the present. Sometimes they replace one unacceptable behaviour for another. My son has been a liar most of his life. He still is. He has never had any empathy for anyone and still doesn’t. Because he no longer lives in the same town he doesn’t message me. I message him and he takes weeks to respond because he has a “very important position” in his company and is “very highly qualified” so has very little time to respond. That is new. It is a lie in several ways, is rude, and is a message to me. When I called him on it after doing this every time, he told me to never contact him again and took me off all his social media. His wife also did the same. My reaction was great relief that this 29 year Narcish game is over and I can get on with a normal life.
Literally as they are guilty of what they accuse of... God makes evil confess. Just untwist their words and you'll see they are talking about themselves....
@@lucillecampbell8388 Ah...this must be very painful for you because he is your son. The way the entire world working world lies about time management is staggering. Yes, there are times in everybody's life that demand the utmost concentration of effort and focus (exams, deadlines etc.), but no human can sustain that focus beyond shortish spurts. All these people who think that the universe will collapse without them are just liars!
"When? When did I do that? Give me a date and time when you say I did that!"
He literally said that to me, word for word, yesterday 😅
and when you give the date and time, well they just don't remember but they know you must have misunderstood
Mine just says, " that's not true. I never did that. What makes you so perfect".
He obviously has a problem with memory. We all know our own words and he can toss all yours back at you too. What a stupid thing for him to say. I am learning so much from the comments here.
In my house, it's "name one time!" Yelled over and over so you wouldn't be able to think of it even if you could recall the specifics
When you've been raised by a narcissistic parent, the patterns are established before you're cognizant enough to know anything is amiss. I grew up with a vague feeling of "my mom is not like the other moms". Not until my 50s did I really see how truly monstrous her treatment of her family was and is.
Not only did the narcissistic people in my life not take responsibility for their attacks and toxic behaviours, when I stood up to them and told the truth, they attacked and gaslit me more, shamed and criticized me for it, and lied to others about what happened. Super disturbing. Keeping boundaries, leaving and going no contact when able. Focusing on my life and well being. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
same thing happened to me too, I found it best to completely disconnect from them forever
Sounds so familiar...I had to leave my husband, and put up some strong boundaries. If you still choose to see these people, they will try to trample your boundaries at every turn. It just isn't worth your mental health in the long run. Don't just walk away from toxic people....sprint and stay away!!!!
I was blessed with being able to do that when the opportunity came. When the narcissistic family member said something that was the straw that broke the camel's back after a year and a half of relentless psychological abuse (to which I did not respond or responded by gray rock), I responded courteously and then hung up the phone. Weeks went by with no communication from her, and I did not want to break the silence because it felt so peaceful. It is sad because we used to get along so much better for years. I think that a year and a half ago this person snapped. She had kept the narcissism more or less under control for a good many years. but something happened to her mentally. I really don't know what caused it. I think the gray rock method and the ignoring her ugly remarks and accusations is why she went no contact. I was no fun anymore, I guess. I began to point out one of her patterns in a very rational way, and I would not play the games of getting angry or crying, One time I did cry, but that was it; I educated myself and realized that crying after an emotional abuse attack from her was just what she wanted. Because of all of this. I ended up in therapy (the narcissist has not, to my knowledge, even though I asked her twice to do it).
They will find a way to justify it or they will deflect it on to you. They will rage at you and shame you for pointing out anything bad about them. To discourage you from doing it in the future. They will go to any extent to maintain their false image.
Yep!!! So true
Absolutely accurate
Spot on.
Absolutely this. Best summation ever.
The accuracy
A glaring red flag is waved once you feel you're being played. Like, communication doesn't happen naturally, there's always this weird feeling a checkers game is going on. When your self-protective instincts try to tell you you're being played, it is your decision whether you take large steps away from the fire or take the risk of getting burned.
Excellent comparison with checker playing. The loop is another indicator when some old baggage keeps coming up.
@@DebbieLee-dr3hr It's always a game they play in order to wear us out - physically, emotionally and psychologically. That's why it is important to pay attention to red flags since day one. Sometimes, it'll take years to partially recuperate once you get trapped.
Right… and people will say why don’t you say anything before ? because it’s subtle, you don’t notice it right away & you’re hoping you’re wrong… it’s pretty disturbing
Sometimes even short-term relationships with a toxic individual might cost you years of therapy and recovery. Never downplay the red flags, never ignore the signs.
“That’s in the past, get over it.” Heard that many many times. From the ex, but also from narcissistic family members.
If it repeats it is not in the past.
Enablers and flying monkeys like saying that phrase.
Yes.
It sounds like one president excusing the war crimes of another president.
You have alot of narcissists in your life I think you might have a thing for them
For me, the really hurtful part of the things that have been done that I should “let go of” were NEVER acknowledged or even fake apologized for. Nope, they just wiped it from their mind and acted as though they had no idea why I wasn’t cheerful.
Dr Ramani says "when you sit them down to discuss". No narc in my family would ever sit down to discuss a thing. Sitting down to have a convo is confrontion to them. They run!
Narcissism in reality is never as clear cut to deal with as theory makes it sound.
True! Or yell or scream so that an actual conversation is impossible.
Or they use silent treatment
In the past my family would sit down and have what my mother called "family pow wows." She and my brother (the major toxic ones) versus my old man and me. Inevitably, these discussions would turn into shouting -- usually my mother or brother -- and one of them would storm off, crying, leaving my old man and me stunned.
Nothing got accomplished. They always ended in screaming. They are some of the most traumatic memories of my youth.
To sit someone down to discuss something they don't want to do is expecting that leopard to change it's spots. I know I'm not changing mine; I'll just hide in the grass.
I once told my narcissistic brother….. if I am to tolerate your behavior, you are to tolerate my behavior!
Looks like you made a trade off to have your own ill behaviour
I kinda recognize it somehow, like saying "If you can pull crap like that I will too".
And after you did, they turn around and go about exposing your behaviour to others while they act the saint like victim.
It's their setup to the victim reversal thing from the Darvo method.
"U r not able to forgive. You are holding onto past. You need to heal yourself from within..You have anger issues..You need a therapist.."
So typical of a narcissist.
Even if you try to talk it out with people outside of the relationship, they parrot the same unhelpful, gaslighting advice of "stop living in the past" or "stop keeping score" and it just makes you feel like you're going crazy. Like here it is happening today, and it happened yesterday, the day before, and the day before that, a proven pattern but somehow it is your fault and not the narcisstic person
Unfortunately, talking with people who have never experienced or don't understand narcissistic abuse is part of the crazy-making. The narcissist knows this.
As Dr Ramani says, the only way to win with a narcissist is not to play.
Wishing you healing, peace and joy ❤
@@Z1nny What I concluded is that these people are pieces of shit. They don't suffer from anything to be this way, they just want fo have more power over other people. In a way I see them as passive slavers and if it was not frowned upon they would just admit it.
All these charactaristics like half assing things and gaslighting and so on are for their personal benifit. So, they are corrupt members of society. They are corrupt parents, partners and etc. but they will not be like this in a workplace or somewhere which has consequences.
Yeah, reducing it to "keeping score" only makes sense if the points don't matter. But they do. If they didn't, the narcissist wouldn't get the thrill of using them to control people.
This is so true. It's such a helpless feeling when you know there is a problem but nobody seems to get it.
Recognizing their pattern of disrespect and modifying one’s own choices begins the practice of healthier habits.
Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...
The narcissist will always wriggle out. As my mother said "People will always do what they've done before". She relied on that.
They might not change, but they are aware that you know, and calling them out on their behavior causes narcissistic injury and being called a petty person is the least of it-glad she’s out of my life.
Only outcome is stand your boundaries and push back by not responding to their repeated offensive behaviours.
I play dumb and start involving other people in the drama, this usually frightens the abusive person.
this does make sense. However, some narcs NEED the conflict and will harass, yell, back you into a corner for being silent. augh!
After I laid everything out in family therapy as calmly and clearly as I could, my dad’s only take-away was that I was “cancelling him”.
You can see the exact point where a narcissist tunes out, stops listening, and perceives everything you say as a senseless, completely unprovoked attack against them. And then they become the victim.
No contact really is the only solution.
Everything to a narcissist is a one off, because they'd prefer you forgot about the past repetitions.
My advice to myself:
As an adult with agency, I have the freedom to choose my personal/voluntary relationships, including family members. For my mental, emotional and overall wellbeing, I decide how close or detached I need to be from anyone.
I did not have this agency and freedom as a child and continued with some unhealthy relationships out of a misguided sense of loyalty. Having woken up to this freedom, I've concluded that nobody is entitled to my time, space, energy, emotions, resources etc.
Healthy boundaries is where it's at. It doesn't matter whether narcissists get it or not. My peace is more important than their understanding. Having radically accepted that some people are incapable of change, I release them with love, wish them well and detach accordingly.
Thank you Dr Ramani for all you do ❤️
Good advice.
Nice💜
WhenI brought up a situation I was met with “So what, it aint like what I said wasnt true!” Whatever issue it was I attempted to bring up they found a way to deflect and throw something else back at me. They also love twisting the details of the past. Theyre really good at dodging responsibility and accountability.
When somone shows u who they are believe them
Period!
Yes. This quote is my favorite mantra 🙏
I now LIVE by this. My ex’s son’s mother who left him 24 years ago for one of his friends was always texting and calling me to offer her love and support. She hated the way he treated after a 17 year relationship when he discarded me for another woman. Found out this week she broke up his relationship and moved him and his daughter in. Blocked her that day along with his kids. Don’t understand why she thinks he’ll be loyal to her?
Narcissists will do everything to avoid taking responsibility. My narcissistic ex of about five months was entertaining with some of his excuses. He actually told me that forgetting to take his vitamins or drinking coffee was making him lose control and become violent. 😂 That was when I started to slowly see that his claims that I was too critical, oversensitive, and unforgiving (because I tried to point out that the past does show a toxic pattern of behavior) were all about him refusing to take responsibility for his tantrums. Another time I began to see something was wrong with him and that it wasn't my fault as he claimed was at Walmart in the parking lot. He tantrumed so violently that other people began to pull out their phones to film him screaming from inside his car. A couple of them seemed to be dialing someone for help (maybe the police ) . At any rate he left the parking lot before any police arrived. All the way home he screamed at me because I must be a drama queen because I kept begging him to calm down and because I looked scared of him. It suddenly dawned on me that if I'm the sick one then the people at Walmart wouldn't have felt the need to try to film him and call for help. Up to that point I had mindlessly accepted that I was overreacting to his fits of rage. I thank God every day that I got to see other people pull out their phones in response to his tantrum as this is what I had been enduring on a daily basis. It helped me to see how badly I needed to get away from the abuse. I know they'll probably never read this but"Thank you to whoever was trying to film my ex at the Walmart parking lot in Houlton Maine. You helped open my eyes so I could leave before it was too late. "
Hugs to all survivors of narcissistic abuse.
They will project it on to you and say you are doing it🙄🙄
Parable time! Those who don't learn from the past are doomed to repeat it.
True
"I'm not bringing up the past, I'm highlighting patterns and behaviors that need to change in order for our relationship to move forward (in order for me to stay, in order for me to continue to engage with you), and if they don't I'll be changing the way I interact with you in order to avoid them going forward.
If you're larger than them, you can tell them that if you shoved them through the wall, that'd quickly come to be in the past and they'd thus be committed to forgetting it. Most non-narcissists/non-psychopaths would lean away from using a thing like that to their advantage, though.
@@jumpinjohnnyruss yeah Def sounds like something they would do
Happened to me when I told my mother to stop giving me unsolicited medical advice. She sent me a link to a book and said reading it could save my life. I politely declined she kept on harping told her no yet again and the reason why was because she neglected my medical care as an adolescent never brought me to a doctor or dentist. Her response was "Whatever I did or didn't do I cant change the past." Then she ended with "I pray you find peace."
They love the happy-talk. It's just them showing you how level-headed they are. Don't mistake it for anything but a defence mechanism, though. They need to cling to their own sense of stability. Everything they do is geared towards establishing a stable social footing.
@@jumpinjohnnyruss got my first therapy appointment next week. If it goes well I can hopefully start working on not being so reactive and triggered by my neglectful parents.
No responsibility. EVER.
Radical acceptance is the way to go. Talking and confronting is a waste of time, energy and breath! Good video Dr. Ramani. Love the new set, lavender chair and you look radiant! Hug sistah!
Radical acceptance with a side of low contact and several arm's lengths of distance will help with npd.
I noticed and liked the lavender chair too.
I pointed out my exs patterns once and he got angry, called me crazy and went off on a rant. They dont like it. Best to keep it to ourselves. Theyre so exhausting and predictable.
Until I learned the glossary of terms I referred to this as moving the goalposts
Every time I would try to talk about something that had already been discussed, his comment was, “You just need to forgive and turn the page”. Never did he say he was sorry or he’d try to change, I was supposed to sweep it under the rug and accept it so he could continue doing what he wanted.
If they do say sorry, it's not a real sorry it's a sorry to dodge accountability or run away from the issue at hand!
Yes, or it will be “I’m sorry you feel that way”.
Oh my gosh!!! I can't tell you how many times I heard that!! They really need help, gone psycho!
My ex would would go flying off the deep end in an overblown fit of rage if I tried to set a boundary or call him out on his BS and then would accuse me of always starting an argument for no reason.
My mom would start and argument and then try to tell me I needed to be more forgiving and not so combative if i disagreed with her.
"People in a narcissistic relationship hold out hope. Until they no longer can." Thank you for putting a lot of these experiences into words. The gas lighting and sanity distruption I let happen for far too long made it possible for them to avoid taking responsibility.
They dont want to attempt to have a mutually respectful conversation - I'm now ok not trying to.
This video just confirmed I'm not the narcissist. Thank you. I've had my doubts ever since I discovered these youtube channels, but THIS video just confirmed that my narcissistic tendencies were survival tactics (that I am unlearning) and that my parents and brother are truly the narcissists. They will NEVER acknowledge theres a pattern. They're liars.
He asks me "what does he do that's so bad" and it's not one instant it's confusion and complicated because it's deeper, "it's invisible things" it's so hard to put your finger right on it. It's not one or two things it's just him and what he says and how he operates etc. he HAS actually made changes he doesn't "scream" anymore but it's just who he is and the trauma I'm dealing with from the past 7 years, to me still very relevant to me, mental health, depression,fear of life, dehumanization, control, anxiety,ADHD, overthinking, I stg I used to be a very productive functioning human etc. 😢😢😢
Plan your escape.
I relate to this. Mine does says what did I do? why do you hate me, or prove it and it's so difficult to put into proper words. Not just one incidence but of those moods of his that hurt me even when he doesn't yell. That underlying "off"vibe.
You said it all. Find a way out.
You described this so well actually. Like you were describing a fog. Clearly you can see it, yet it's too dense and blinds. All the comments here scare the crap out of me. You know femininityfaith, just by recognizing these 'traits' is a power you have and other people can recognize this as I have. I'd say take care, but you already are.
Plz leave
When you bring up thier patterns of hurtful behaviors they will say your holding a grudge. That you are the one making a problem not them.
If you stay you are going to have to endure the abuse, thats all there is to it.
It's followed me everywhere I've lived and even when I've traveled. So this time I'm staying.
I am learning how to address my own traumatic patterns and learn how to set a boundary ….I come as as a child of a narcissistic mother and absent father.
You need to really hold on and learn how to be healthy.
I grey rocked the narc I am forced to live with due to finances and she’s smearing me to everyone by telling them I’m “anti social.” No, I’m anti-abuse and she is ultra abusive.
I’m married to a Narcissist. My Mother was a Narcissist too. Therefore I thought it was “NORMAL”. My stepson opened my eyes by calling US “TOXIC”. When in reality he was calling his biological father whom I’m married to.
We will be married for 39 years come March.
My experience is exactly the same. 39 years with a covert narcissist left me with severe depression and plenty of other problems. Left him a year ago and I never regretted it. Best thing I ever did.
Me too. Narc mom. Married and divorced two narc men. One, a regular narc, the second a covert, whom I thought was the opposite of the loud mouth bragging narc, he was actually much worse. I’m free now. It took me until 50 years old to realize what all of these people were. Distanced myself from Narc mom, sister and cousin. Happy to be living narc free now.
When I point out the pattern of my narcissist wife. She asked me if she is a suspect or under investigation. Now am out living free . Want to file my divorce but know she will not give it to me freely
Stay no contact. They're never going to change or take your point of view as valid! Thanks again Dr Ramani. 3 weeks and I get your book ❤
It’s difficult when it’s your adult child and you are now cut off from your grandkids because you won’t or can’t jump through their hoops. There needs to be another solution than just walk away forever. I can do that with the people who don’t matter.
Pattern matters TIred and stifling when you are ignored. I pray the Psalms in Holy Bible to stay calm and safe. Prayers Psalm 31🙏🇯🇲👑❤️
Amen! Thank you for speaking about this! This was my life being married to a covert narcissist/abusive husband. By the grace of God I was able to get out and am rebuilding my life. Most people I have encountered and talked to about my experiences do not understand this dynamic.
My ex husband is also a covert narc. They are terrible human beings and probably demonically possessed. God set me free too.
The response I got was, " Well, that's your problem." End of discussion and I knew it wasn't ever going to change.
Dr. Ramani, I am so glad to learn how to navigate the narc non sense. Life given teachings my friend❤.
Youre looking fabulous! ❤
Indeed 😍
Agreed😊
"They are not gonna change anyhow!" So, so true, and man oh man, it will sure come back to bite you later if you do bring it up!
My goodness this video presentation brought back vivid memories of 35 years married to my first wife. I never thought of her behaviour as narcissistic but you described the patterns of of behaviour exactly. She accused me of being a narcissist and even taught our kids to call me that whenever I would ask them to be mindful of their behaviours like turning lights off wearing more clothes instead of turning the heater on, cleaning up after themselves in the bathroom kitchen etc etc. My last partner of 7 years is ABSOLUTELY a covert narcissist and through your wonderful informative videos I learnt this since we broke up and she broke my head heart and soul. But with my first wife I had no idea what a narcissist was. I just thought it was a selfish person. But I've learnt now it's a horrible personality to be exposed to. I won't label my ex wife a narcissist but she certainly exhibits the same patterns you talk about in this video. THANK YOU Dr Ramani for sharing your expertise and time and caring for others your videos are wonderful. You are a beautiful lady. Best wishes to you and all those trying to heal and rebuild their life after narcissistic abuse.
I was always told I needed to accept him for the way he was. I think he was right, because the day that I did accepting for what he was, I realized he was unacceptable and I had to accept that. That’s why I divorced.
My Ex would blame his 'patterns' on me. 🍒
Same
I always felt so sure of myself when I could point to patterns as evidence of no change. It evaporated into being gaslit when I brought it up in conversation every time. I still have the knee jerk reaction of wanting to kick those narcissistic hornets nests when I find them, but I try to reserve my energy for healthy pursuits and reinforce that the end of that relationship (and many others) was justified, much needed, and the best choice for my life. Thank you Dr Ramani. You continue to provide validation for me that is helping me seek better closure. I don’t think I’d be in the spot I am today without your insight. I have miles to go, but I’m happy that I now have a language and a framework to reference to help me make sense of it all. Thank you again ❤
I made the mistake of pointing out his patterns with examples and he exploded on me! Apparently “patterns” in a negative sense is a trigger word for him and he said I was too much drama smh! I have never experienced anything like that before… I didn’t raise my voice or even say any curse words and somehow I ended up being the bad guy😑
Let me preface this comment with the fact that I am an engineer and a geek. You brought up one of my favorite terms people use for past behavior, "that's just water under the bridge". The irony is that comment, meant to dismiss past actions, actually bolsters the significance of those past actions. Google "bridge scour", and you'll see what I mean. As fast flowing or turbulent water flows under that bridge it will remove some of the sand and gravel from around the footings of the bridge, and after time, if it is not repaired, that bridge may collapse. Kinda describes how I feel with my relationship, that I'm still not out of. That constant flow of bad behavior is eating away at the foundation of who I am.
Wow. What a great metaphor. I'm remembering this one.
When I brought up "patterns of behavior", I would get responses like "I can never do anything right" and "your expectations of me are too high". Therefore ending any communication of my wants and needs.
Patterns, patterns patterns! Thank you Dr. Ramani!
Long story short, the recognition of a pattern is for you to understand what kind of a person you’re dealing with.
With my father, "the past" was anything up to 15 seconds ago... I used to say that if you jiggled a glass of water and then put it back down, he'd pretend not to understand why it was still splashing about because moving it was in the past and had no bearing on the present. In the same vein it was never possible to make plans or talk about anything that would happen "in the future" (maybe in an hour). If I asked if he'd do y or z today, he'd snap "can't you see I'm doing x now?!" I'm still astonished that you can't have any kind of normal conversation with these people!
I’ve been pointing out the toxic behaviours from narcissists in my family and work environments only to be gaslit shamed and blamed. Not ok. I don’t bother anymore. I simply see it acknowledge it for myself and take steps accordingly to protect my well being. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
OMG, this is exactly where I am right now. I've lived this madness for 36 years and finally I know exactly what is happening. Thank you for helping me sort out why my marriage has been so miserable for decades. Now, where to go from here ......
They are making you feel so hollow because everything is so shallow ... I left. And this is an accomplishment.
I completely agree with acknowledging the past and moving forward. All too often the client refuses to even consider the past, understand the positive learnings they can get from it that will hopefully influence future behavior, and then are surprised when the same pattern persists. great content as always! Thank you!
I experienced this and it continues... including the couples therapist saying how do we move forward
Yes, he got the therapist to agree to the rule of reference 6 months to present only. But that only seemed pertained to me. And that bloody “how do we move forward”
Move.
A similar thing happened to me, then I fired the therapist as soon as I heard of it.
The covert will get quiet and be silent. And then change the topic of conversation 🤣 do you sweetie.
I’m done here
#thankyouall have a Beautiful Day ✌️❤️🌳 When we see a problem we fix "it" quickly and get back to taking care of our OWN Business #enjoythejourney
Yes!! My toxic sibling had the whole family convinced he truly wanted to work things out with me. Even though I knew how it would go, I reached out to him as a favor to the family and he took that opportunity to try gaslight and manipulate me. He believed he was entitled to say whatever he wanted, but the moment I tried to say my side and get him to be accountable I was told I was just justifying things, and that I needed counseling. 🤦♀️
💯 Identifying patterns leads to the worst gaslighting and not just by the narcissist. By the time the pattern emerges the victim is already worn out, dazed and confused within themselves. This happened to me this last time because I couldn't understand what the narc wanted to begin to deal with it. What they wanted was so off my radar, out of date, and just plain inappropriate that it made identifying patterns and responding doubly difficult. Calling out patterns comes with a risks because many dont want to hear it. At time when the survivor really needs to be heard.
So true! And you can’t even prevent the patterns…even if you think you can divert them upstream!
This video is so timely. I have finally accepted that my narcissistic family will never change so the best thing is limited or no contact.
This timing of this video was so pertinent after confronting the 'never met' narcissist in my life about her pattern of love-bombing, devaluing then discarding which was highly emotionally destabilizing to contend with. This occurred four times with her with the most recent event I brought it to her attention. How did that go? Well, she felt insulted and I was met with a tirade of text responses stating precisely what you mentioned in your video with her finally saying 'time you move on, goodbye forever'. There was absolutely no accountability, no attempt to correct the behavior reinforcing to me this person would've been a very poor choice in a long-term relationship where she'd rather deflect and flee rather than making an effort to correct what was wrong to make the relationship work. Though it was difficult in letting her go as I had feelings for her, I felt it was the right thing to do in preserving my sanity and wellbeing. Now I'm contending with the grief of my once idealized relationship gone awry but logically conclude this is the best outcome and now must maintain no contact blocking all channels of communication. Thank you for this presentation, Dr. Ramani!
I didn't idealise my 'never met' relationship but I know how painful it can be. The pain is real but your life will be better in the long run. There's so much more you can be without them. All the narc will do is bring you rounds of pain at some point if they are given the chance. Best wishes
@@HJustme855 Thank you for your kind words. Without her digital presence there is a strong sense of relief in no longer dealing with all that emotional abuse. Though the feeling of finality is comforting there's still the loss to contend with. There's also the possibility she may attempt entering into my life as she did 4 previous times after parting ways. I've got to maintain my stance recognizing this relationship would be very harmful to my wellbeing and must resist her intrusion back into my life.
@@sand0077 You're welcome. 💯 correct. The sense of loss is real as is the sense of betrayal. You've hit the nail on the head. Keep well, keep strong. We were both made for better treatment and honesty than we received. You're not the only one healing. Best wishes 👍
How did we get here?? This grieves me that so many of us live in homes with this.
They want to keep the past in the past when it comes to them, but the same rules do not apply to them! They have no problem bringing up your past mistakes, even after you’ve done everything to make amends, correct the behavior, and grow. You may have changed, but your past will always be used against you.
They twist everything. I just don’t speak to my mother at all. You can’t have a meaningful relationship with these people.
“I was today years old” when I learned about this behaviour that left me confused and frustrated. I now see it is pointless to address this issue with a narcissist, but is good reference for radical acceptance and moving forward. Thanks!
Learning.
This would drive me crazy and always left me so defeated.
I had many conversations with my sibling about her mean behavior towards me. She would ask me when she ever did those things, and I would tell her and use examples.
Then it changed to, "you always bring up the past."
She was always allowed to use my past against me to humiliate or make me look bad in front of others.
I went NC.
Can you do a video about why a narcissist would be into “self-help” type things (e.g., self-help books, affirmations, positivity cliches, etc.)?
I appreciate this channel and the work she is doing.
Everyone should educate themselves about Narcissism because it is pretty common nowadays
but if you understand it, you'll be able to see through the BS and know what reactions will occur, and that gives you a sense of control, the one thing the Narcissist wants more than anything
with the exception that having control improves your life, while a narcissist having control over other people will make them miserable, as everyone around them.
Thanks for sharing your knowledge Doc!
This is worth gold
They really just don't want to hear it. criticizing them in any way will get you nowhere, and lead to a feeling of nausea. They will say anything to deflect and dismiss whatever you say, because they are committed to living a deluded story about themselves.
right on point, perfect. you gather all the evidence, years of daily crap. you want to talk about it, but, nope. not going to happen. you nailed it!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You nailed it...some patterns I have noticed: Double Standards, Non-Stop Manipulation, lack of any real empathy, cluelessness, willing to create chaos to avoid responsibility, low to no responsibility but all the glory...
They never change..
Yeah
Thank you our lovely sister Dr Ramani. Your work is really appreciated 🇬🇧❤️
Great insight/s and excellent tutorial. The 'crux' of this matter is in the fact that it is impossible to reason with a toxic/narcissistic person. Period 'that' R.I.P. If [you] can, save your energy and time and completely cut them from your life and go no contact/radio silence. Cheers! 😊
Thanks, DoctorRamani, and thanks for the very helpful tutorials. Very empowering. Cheers! 😊
My biggest syruggle is feeling deep compassion and empathy for her. Because I know what she has gone through, i just wanted to help her heal, and as I am learning about healing myself after she discarded me, I just keep thinking how much I wish she could heal, too. I don't want her to keep suffering and also hurting those around her who truly do love and care for her... I understand that is also my codependency, but I can't seem to shake the desire for her to be healed. Even if it isn't with me, I just hurt knowing she is hurting. Any tips on shifting this??
Oh god, literally my thoughts all this time, all these months after discard... I feel you. This emptiness and hope for a better. (sorry, im very struggling even with communication during social media, so cant really write properly)
Engaging with a narcissist in any way is only going to leave you feeling helpless. Leaving is the only way.
After trying to address the patterns that have gone on for more than 25 years, I was accused of living in the past. He gave that very scary Narcissistic smile and looked at me and said “I just want you to be happy. Why don’t you get some therapy about this?” Talk about disregarding me the highest mode That cut me like a knife.
I have to remind myself that I’m entitled to my anger for patterns that continue and not addressed. I have the right to talk about it. His dismissiveness of me doesn’t negate what I want or need. It only means that he can’t / won’t give it to me.
They will tell you, “you have a problem and you live in the past”
If I bring up the past I'm always reminded how it was MY fault that he behaved that way.
Thank you so much for your work. appreciate it so much!❤
My mum will say “the past is the past” and “it’s not good for your health to be angry and hold onto anger” whenever I mention the sexual abuse by my brother.
Wow, proud of you.
You, now have full control of your New Life
Self care
Peace/ tranquillity
With good friends and family supporting you, there,s no holding you back😊
But lets not forget, the fabulous insight, and courage we all get from Dr Ramani.
I’m not in a narcissistic relationship or do I have narcissists around me. I just don’t care anymore. I need to take a break from it all right now.
Brilliant!!!!!!!!!!! 👍❤❤❤ Thank you!!!!
Again with the double standards. A narcissistic person will absolutely call you too sensitive, and in the same breath perceive your words as critical and lash out with rage. They will accuse you of bringing up the past, immediately after invalidating you for that thing you did one time 20 years ago. The term for this is a double standard and it consumes the identity of any narcissist I had the misfortune knowing.
If you forget the past, you're doomed to repeat it. I may forgive, but I won't forget.