Ep. 144 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
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- Опубликовано: 16 окт 2024
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Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer are together in the bear cave again for this episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave. Bert starts off by discussing his fall the night before. and they watch a video of the incident. They also talk about queerbaiting in Thor: Love and Thunder, Daniel Craig, playing red rover, why Bert thought he might have to have a broken jaw, and Tom’s experience with a shady dentist. They wrap up by swapping scary stories of getting in trouble going through customs with their tour busses.
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I just imagine Bert falling and the M&Ms falling out everywhere like coins in Sonic 😂
Holy fucking shit, best comment.
What sonic had coins ?
Best comment ever
Holy fucking shit 🤣
@@oxymaiz5662 rings are basically coin donuts if you think about it
Going by range of motion, Bert's 7 pushups were impressive.
Take it easy Daniel Craig…
Not a single pushup was done that day.
He is strong 💪🏻 though
It’s all about the little wins 😂
7 pushups? You're being quite generous there...
*Bert doing "push ups"*
Every drill instructor ever: ONE! ONE! ONE! ONE!
Stop oppressing him 😭😭
I counted the same way watching it!! 😂
Ah, I miss the beginning of basic lol
Yeah, it was just awful 😂 not a single actual push-up
Bert: “… I actually started to think, maybe I’ll just get lucky and die first”
Tom: “this podcast is brought to you by BetterHelp”
Big ups to Bert during that driver story, 54:35 dude was about to interrupt but caught himself. A rare moment indeed
Thank you!!
Then proceeds to try and one up tom with his next story
@@deibtryin that’s just how conversations work.
Maybe he lost some fat clogging his brain
@@kylie3104 not every conversation unless one of the parties is inadequate
“If I’m lucky maybe I’ll die first”
“And now a word from our sponsor: BetterHelp”
That cut was so freaking funny
I’ve literally said the EXACT same thing after receiving the quote for my needed dental care, even with dental insurance, it’s SO expensive. I’m not gonna do it. I daydream about being hit by a car instead.
@@brookerangel-legris it’s the simple pleasures in life 😎
Lmao I caught it and laughed hard af lmao! 🤣
That’s what I call ad placement. This pod never ceases to amaze me
Bert: I’ve stopped drinking.
Tom: When?
Bert: Well I’m still doing it.
They have that same conversation every episode 😂
Bert: I've lost a ton of weight
Tom: How much?
Bert: I don't weigh myself
I'm just waiting for the day that all of his health nonsense finally catches up with him.
@@randahlliebelt8603 I love burnt but me too. He’s in such denial about his health, I’m not sure I believe his liver is in perfect condition
they'll play a montage of all these conversations at his funeral. it will be HILARIOUS
bert is basically a cartoon character... when he falls, candy rains out of his pockets like a diabetic Sonic the Hedgehog
😂😂😂
Basically or maybe you just watch an exorbitant amount of cartoons, namely Sonic the Hedgehog
@@words911 ¿por que no los dos?
The way I died laughing while reading this💀
@@daegiovanni5864 que Paso?
"I would be so lucky if I just died" "and now a word from sponsor, Better Help" Had me rolling
Please tell me I’m not the only one crying laughing at Bert’s “Ouch” yell when he falls.
I played it 3 times over at full volume, dying laughing. Wife looking at me like Im a sociopath. lol
Wow Bert is getting absolutely shredded
Understatement of the comment section.
Who's Bert?
Shredded Cheese
Show would be infinitely better/funnier with anyone else but him
Bret’s always shredded like cheese 🧀
26:36
I think Bert might be the real life Homer Simpson. After seeing his fall here, he even emits a similar D’oh.
that’s exactly what i thought
Bert passed just how he would have wanted, surrounded by m&m’s.
Tom: "That's a big difference, 20 and 50?"
Bart: "It's just twice.."
Ladies and Gentlemen, Bert Kreischer!!
8:22 Bert says "I thought he'd do something gay like put his pinky in his mouth" and Tom in the next frame literally almost did that and switched it up IMMEDIATELY lmfaooooo
"Bear baiting" should be Bert's next Netflix special title
“My ear started not working”, that’s the best line ever 🤣 it sucks when we get old doesn’t it Bert?
When we get old and fat is the better statement fuck I wish I was still 180 fucking 40s suck lol
Excited for a new episode of Tom Listens!!!
Haha that's a new one!
Honestly, bert has been better at not trying to steal the show as of late😆
This show means SO much to me. Each of you reminds me so much of two of my closest friends that passed much too soon. Tom is my friend Ray - who would listen attentively to any story anyone wanted to tell - fully engaged and asking questions....and then, when the story was over he would look right at whoever and say something like "neat." and just walk away or some shit. Among a million other hilarious things he was always saying or doing. At a party, if you suddenly heard a roar of laughter - you would find Ray standing there looking like he didn't know what was so funny, while everyone around him is holding their stomach and falling out of their seats. His nickname was Boomer or sometimes RB3 - golf club pro for like 15 years. And Bert is my old brother Kirby - 12 Broncos games together and probably 6 times to see the Nuggets - never saw the home team lose. He would slam his finger in a door or stub his toe and the next time you saw him, he would be bandaged up talking about how it was definitely broken.....2 hours later he would be miraculously healed - because genetics. Tried to jump over a giant bonfire once - almost made it halfway. When his burns were healed enough to go back to the bar, he's telling any girl that didn't know him that he got injured parachuting behind the fire line....wind blew him right into it though. Anyway - thanks guys. For always making me laugh and for keeping my memories fresh. And one last thing - Ray was also great friends with my cousin, Brad - both of them were pretty big and one of the drunks from the old neighborhood decided to start calling them "Fatback 1" and "Fatback 2" - it was basically the best double nicknames ever given to two people at once.
I finished chapter 1 and I don't want to keep reading. Work on character development in a show not tell sense.
Toms bus driver story was easily the best part this week. An Bert firing back "buy him some weed" was priceless.
Bert saying he could’ve done more legit gave me the same vibes of Will Ferrell in Step Brothers when he was trying to sing for Dale 😂
Exactly the same vibe, well said! haha
Bert has the pushup form of an angel.
Bro this is the best way to possibly put it!
Who is Darrell?
I pictured Colin Ferrell in the movie 4 brothers and thought to myself I don’t remember him being in that movie but that one dude that was in swat with colin Ferrell was in 4 brothers and then jumped back to will Ferrell singing in the bedroom
How come every time I watch this podcast Bert believes he’s about to be the healthiest he’s ever been and he’s always saying “now that I’m not drinking” and tom’s face is what everyone else is thinking 😭🤣🤣😭
Doesn't he ask for a drink later? lol
the story with tom’s weed and his driver almost taking a fall for him is epic
I kept waiting for him to tell bert he made the whole story up 🤣🤣
@@jacobchapman9803 It’s definitely a fake story lol. Just like his “epic interview” with Colbert last week. He’s just fucking with Bert at this point
"Maybe if I'm lucky I'll just die first" is the most relatable anxiety thought I've ever heard in my life
I still laugh hard as shit when Tom does his Bert impression😂😂 10/10
Whenever I hear Bret talk about his strength I can’t help but notice the likeness to Mac from its always sunny
that Bart fall video is gonna be on every "horrible or hilarious" on YMH... and the answer will always be hilarious .
I sure hope so
@@littlewigglemonster7691 lolkolulo lo
Has to be 🤩
That was hilarious uh hundred percent
The fact he tkod himself is so fucking funny I never thought I'd get video after hearing his blasphemy 🤣
Bert laid out with m&ms around him like a piñata 🪅
I’ll never forget the time I changed dentists after going to a lifelong “child dentist” (I have a lot of panic) and I’m talking to him about all of the cavities I’ve had in my life (I’m 22) and he starts shaking his head as I’m explaining.
Tells me for the first time in my life “a lot of dentists really just over treat their patients teeth, it’s like the difference between preventing the issue and solving it, but they always choose to solve it even if it’s not an issue yet.”
I never knew that you can work to naturally rebuild your tooth before it reaches the point that it needs a dentist, but a dentist would much rather you just pay them now to over correct.
It’s like if you just replaced human bones as soon as they start to hurt, that’s insane! Only replace human bones when they’re legitimately broken beyond saving. Same goes for teeth!! 😭
Dermatologists do the same thing when they say your mole is precancerous. And now I'm pretty pissed because I don't know which of my cavities were real that I've paid to fill
@@sativarosegold3604 many times they are precancerous and what can you do to prevent it from becoming melanoma in 5-15 years time
Bert: I fell down and hit my head and was delirious, so I decided to take a nap
Bob saget: sounds like a good idea buddy!
Seeing Bert fly into a door and scream “OW” is comedy at its finest. Poor brent
Idk, that wasn't a laughing moment for me.
I don't understand how Tom didn't absolutely lose his shit. His "ow" is exactly what Tom loves. Maybe he's just saving it for YMH "Horrible or Hilarious?"
@@clintonleonard5187 it was scary, but thankfully he’s okay!! That’s what makes it funny. He’s alright, so it’s all good :)
@@grieco68 you know.. you got a point :/ I and many others have noticed toms joyous moments as Bert talks about his struggles/whatever. We all see it, trust me.
That’s one of the funniest injury noises ever shared on the YMH network.
Bart: fuck those Mark Wahlberg pushups
Also Bart: does Mark Wahlberg pushups
I was just listening but seemed waay too fast for 40...
Haha I was thinking the same thing 😅
Terrible form but at least he tried
Bert is so delusional. "Wait until you see me" Bert you look exactly the same. "When I stop drinking my neck gets so much smaller" "When did you stop drinking?" "I've been drinking recently but"
It's funny but you are right but in the same breath he is aware that he's delusional which makes him even more intriguing.
Tom's really keeping that inner psychopath hidden. I'm surprised he didn't crack up at Bart falling
Who’s Bart
Bert genuinely looked like he might die after those 40 half push ups.
Half is generous
What pushups?
Quarter pushes. 😆
might as well been on his knees blowing Thor aft every 'pushup'
Bert definitely has a concussion. Changing your train of thought multiple times in rapid succession is a symptom of concussion…although that’s a typical daily symptom of Bert too.
He's had a concussion for years 🤣
ADD
Bros just lying
Turns out that drinking every day for decades affects your memory big time.
"I'm on the cusp of being healthy as shit"
Bud Kissinger might be the funniest comedian ever!
It’s wild how Bert goes 3 days without drinking and rewards himself with weeks of drinking
Bert I’m sorry but that fall was the funniest thing I’ve seen all year. That “ow!” was what got me😂
Every veteran watching those push-ups… “zero, zero, zero, zero, zero” lol
Bert: "I'd be so lucky if I just died."
Tom: "and now a message from our sponsor Better Help"
🤣
DEATH WOULD BE FUCKING INCREDIBLE FOR ANY OF US... WHY CAN NOONE ADMIT THIS
@@julioenrique8552 chingon
😂😂
How on earth did Tom not laugh at Bert's fall??? I'm in literal tears 🤣🤣
Because he's use to stuff like that from him
@@jefff3023 its cuz his friend could have really gotten hurt. A fake story of bert slapping leeann is funny but bert actually hitting his head is a different story.
It was actually serious, that's why. Burt could have gotten very hurt. I mean, he DID get hurt.
Because that was a seriously fucked up head first fall
26:34
“I’m gonna go get this bitch”
😂
32:17 Tom showing once again his timing is impeccable
perfection lol
The opening clip of Tom saying “Bert’s gonna blow me” than it cuts to the intro and you just hear Bert’s voice say “100 percent!”
I enjoyed that as well.
Perfect 😂
Bert “I’m just as athletic as Chris Hemsworth” Kreischer
My guy has the mickey mantle gene though, don't forget.
Being fit and athletic are two different things.
@@James-nt9ye Finally! And this is something gym rates don't understand. Bert is very athletic and he has demonstrated this many times. Unfortunately he is very out of shape and wastes his talent.
And then we watch his tubby ass trip while "running"
@@robertfrost8264 a ufc fighter tripped at either a weight in or press conference and blew out his knee. Having an accident doesn't make you unathletic.
I don't know why, but Bert gives me 8 year old vibes. All the bragging about fast and strong he is; his manic, flighty thought process; and don't get me started on all that Kool Aid...
Bert gives off "weird kid in the pool" energy.
An 8 year old loveable frat boy.
"Stayed in college for 10 years" vibes
*weird kid who showers in the pool*
fixed it for you
This is so accurate 😂
"Wanna watch me break this??"- 8 yr old Bart to who'll ever listen.
I swear I watch these just for the laughter in the background 😂😂
You can tell how good a friend Tom is by how he didn't call out Bert on his half-pushups
Bert “I’d be so lucky if I died right now!”
Jump cut
Tom “and now a word from better help”
😂 Nadav with the edits
Native has been on a roll with those lately
Bret falls and m&m's fall out - he's like a human piñata 😂
“My ears stopped working”
That’s your blood pressure Bert 😳
No, that's him on the cusp of being healthy lol
Really? Sometimes my one ear stops working when I eat something extremely spicy
54:08 is when the bus driver weed story starts.
god damnit I love bert. Tom's casual reactions are too good
I love Monday’s for this podcast and Bad Friends. Let’s go fellas.
you mean Tigerbelly?
@@2011Jayceon nope I mean bad friends
@@tylerwilcox9922 bad friends makes my week
"I'm on the cusp of being in great shape"
3 minutes later
"My pockets were full of M&M's"
“And I just remember seeing m&ms everywhere”😂
Ok, some ppl in great shape still eat M&Ms
@@kristiskinner8542 okay Karen
This studio is the real 2 Bears. Just feels right.
"When I stop drinking" "When did you stop drinking?" "Well I've been drinking lately" lol
Burnt: Let's Queerbait!
Get two Overweight Men, that call themselves Bears, and have one of them Strip.
Burnt: Wait, we are Queerbaiting!
🤣
who is burnt
@@prisonofmemories The Fat one, that suggested "Queerbaiting".
Fucksakes 😂 2bears is the gift that never stop’s giving
That’s a great show as usual thank you boys
Will keep spreading the Ymh news in Ireland 😁👍
Bert’s Fall
Knees: 30%
Belly: 60%
Hands: 7%
Toes: 2.5%
Athleticism: 0.45%
Side of his head: 0.05%
Bert: I think I lost consciousness.
🤣
It'd be so messed up learning Bert died falling going up a step with his families laughter in the distance in a pool of M&M's
The laugh in the background gets me every time!!! 🤣
I didn't know I could just be going a quarter of the way down and call it a push up. Thanks for showing me!
On todays episode of Horrible or Hilarious; its definitely hilarious 🤣
I’ve seen a pregnant, declawed cat on a porch during a lazy Sunday, wake and push itself to an upright position…have better form then Bert
“I believe everything you just said” happens almost never 😂😂
The better help ad cane right after Bert saying he would be lucky to die before his dental work lol. What a timing
Hi, I’m Garth Brooks and I STAND WITH SAATVA.
HAHAHAHA, stand for ukraine
I like that
How is Bert falling not the funniest thing Tom has ever seen off I couldn’t stop laughing
It was more sad than funny to see your friend losing his faculties like that
Bart: I don't do pussy push ups like Mark Norman
Also Burt: Procedes to do 1/3 the range of motion of a push up
Also Bret: I am on the verge of beeing healty - "My ear stopped working after "40" push-ups"
Hey some alcoholics can't even do 1/3 motion
Bert doing those fucking Dr Oz push ups lmaooo
Bert loves doing push ups he fell hit his head and landed in a push up position 😂
Tom was like "You are very dramatic"
Bert kept talking about his 10 seconds clip falling for 20 minutes....I hit my head...i can't remember my watch's brand name....My DNA changed....i thought i was drying....while i was lying down I had a dream of giving Covid to my daughters 🤣🤣🤣
Meanwhile👉 Tom is so disappointed Bert didn't break anything...
Bert: "Maybe I'll die first and I won't have to go through this"
*immediately after*
AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR BETTERHELP 🤣
Nadav with the PERFECT edits 🤣🤣
ADHDer famous last words: "So my brain works like this..."
Tom: i want to get him something but idk what he likes
Burt: ..freedom
😂😂
Reckless old-school Two Bears vibes lately. Loving it since Bert's back
I wish this show could be at least 2 hours or twice a week like it is so great! Hilarious as fuck! 😂🫡
Or watch another episode and pretend they changed clothes after a bit of lunch.
Bret after his 40th half of a push-up:
*heavy breathing* My ear started not working. *burp*
My God 🤣
Yeah, bert is DEFINITELY concussed, i was wondering before he told the story if he was just drunk or if something is going on, then he explained the fall, made it completely obvious.
"Maybe I'll be lucky and just die"
*cuts to ad read*
"Now a word from our sponsor Better Help"
Absolutely iconic.
"my ears started not working" lmao 😂 that was hilarious
I have tears and heaving from Bert's video. That was too funny. I played it on .25x speed and I can't 🤣
I'm impressed by him following through his work outs. The working out sadly won't mean a whole lot when a person is an alcoholic, but every step helps. Luckily he makes the money he does, its much easier to hide an addiction when it isn't a financial burden at the moment.
I was addicted to oxycodone for 8 years, I rationalized it and gave excuses and talked about how I could quit any time if I needed. Bert sounds identical to how I did back then, it's a bit scary he doesn't realize how much of a hole he's digging. I wanted to literally die during opioid withdrawal, I can only imagine detoxing on alcohol and xanaz where people legitimately have seizures detoxing.
I was also addicted to opiates (heroin, fentanyl, methadone) for years and you’re right, there’s nothing like withdrawaling off those (or benzos or heavy alcohol). The thing about Bert that baffles me is that he generally sounds like a happy person despite his level of drinking, but I also hear the things you mentioned in him a lot and wonder if there’s a side we don’t see where he’s not so cavalier about all this.
Hopefully he smokes weed, it repairs brain damage caused by alcohol
Bert sounded like Homer from the Simpsons when he hit that plant pot
Bert telling stories of a dentist breaking his jaw with a fully straight face and Tom laughing his ass off brings nothing but a smile to my face.
Bert hits his head a little = Doesn't Interrupt as much. Win Win.
I’m gonna start calling those push-ups Bert ups
Move over burpees, we're doin burpups now 😂
I think he does these everytime he passes out on the floor from drinking
I love Mondays, this makes the start of a great week!
I thank the podcast gods for bad friends every Monday
@@Betty-Boop809 omg SAME here the SECOND I remember it's up when I get home I get so excited and roll a fatty and blaze the whole podcast in one sitting. Bad friends first and then this afterward!!! Bad friends is legit the best podcast
I am ASTONISHED that Bert actually believes he's going to be unrecognizable after jaw surgery. The doctors probably won't even be able to saw through that jaw if it is anywhere as thick as his head.
55:00 The weed on the bus goes round n round, round n round, round n round 😆
“I’d be better if I just died hahahahah”
Very next line: “And now a word from Better Help..”
"I can do 50 pushups" does 0 pushups.
This is one of the more unhinged starts to an episode for Bert in a while. “I bet I can do 50 pushups right now. Think I can do 20?” Wut.
Well 20 is half of 50 sooo
@@neuvisean1739 and half is of course uhhhhh hundred percent
@@neuvisean1739 and the little wins are really the big wins.
Well he did think a keg being 3/4 empty was the same as 1/2 a keg being empty.
I'm so mad I only, recently, found out about this show/podcast.
I NEEDED this in my life. These guys have left me in tears so much so, it can take an entire day to finish one episode lol.
"2 Bears, One Cave" is like the straight version of my other favorite youtube show/podcast "UNHhhh" (starring Trixie Mattel & Katya Zamolodchikova)....its just perfect comedy balance in my life :D
Wait til you watch the ones without Barf
@@sativarosegold3604 those suck
Gosh I can relate so much to Bert's mentality. 😂
always a good idea to drink beer when you have a concussion. 🤣
Bert: I fell and hit my head...(shows the video without any blood or broken bones)
Tom: 😐 very disappointed
Bert: "If I am lucky....I will die first"
TOM: 🤣🤣 laughing hysterically