Re-Parenting - Part 5 - Why Values Matter
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- Опубликовано: 7 янв 2022
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A healthy life is only possible is one has the right values. Many from Complex Trauma grew up with the "Laws/Values of the Jungle". It is important for them to learn a healthy set of values.
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Soooo this part is how a narcissist is born . I have CPTSD but I am very open, empathetic, truthful, vulnerable and kind … I don’t believe in being powerful. I believe in love, in god, in the truth, and goodness. I have been severely abused, but faith has held my hand in the dark, over and over. This is very helpful in understanding what happened to me and the people that traumatised me. I was born with a special spark, chutzpah, the gene to fight for the truth. And I’m still here xxx thank you 🙏🏼 for helping us all.
And have you ever wondered if love for the truth is 1 a preference and 2 habituation.i haven't found the happy middle ground but I had to cone to the realisation that my truthtelling really hurt me badly .on top I had to stop it eventhough it was excruciatingly painfull and everything became better and stayed that way.in fact there was no other option as I had to deal with ppl that wanted to be lied to and there was no way they wouldn't attack as l insisted to talk openly .so at this point I wonder if everyone else is right .most ppl are not 100 per cent transparent and lie to each other and still get along .even if it seems a sad thing to me
Yep, very sad.
Much Love 🙏🏻💕
I hope the rest of your life is full if love and good friends
Determining the safe people is the issue….
Be the safe one first, then asses
This is one of Tim's better ones for me. He nailed my Dad. He ruled through fear, extreme violence was his answer for everything he didn't like. Right and wrong no longer mattered. It was how he felt about it. If he didn't like it, you had only seconds take the same stance or POW. He's gone now, but I have got the rest of family to agree. We lived only to keep him happy. Anything less was risking injury.
In our case it was dad's unseen but known violence to mum that was the example of what he'd do to those he loved. Now, he is appreciative momentarily when he is desperate, but very rude and ungrateful when he feels a little better. I often feel mentally unwell after being around him in one of those horrible attitude moods.
Thank you Tim for this series. Truly you are doing God’s work of gently healing the saints. ❤
Beautiful!!! They need this in the school system so the kids can learn the right way to have value if their parents are not capable to.
Thank you Tim for all these years of effort put into these videos which help us thousands of thousands of people in the planet earth. Thank you Tim from the bottom of my heart!!!
Mr. Fletcher deserves an award at the level of a noble peace prize
This was so good... after growing up fatherless in boys boarding schools, survival was paramount and bred in me all the narcissistic tendencies to survive... I became a Christian but when I am triggerred or feel unsafe I seek to control rather than to love
Wow! This describes two relatable things. One, my brother who is still in the jungle - was just described perfectly. And for me, I’ve done a lot of healing work, this describes the two value systems that have always felt like two different worlds and I’m not fully in either one - so I always feel out of place. The easy thing was acknowledging that I was NOT of the environment in which I was raised. The HARDEST part was deciding who I AM. I have claimed my values and I am more often Zoe now - until I have to fight off the next trigger. Knowing who you are gives you strength for the fight.
SAME HERE !
Thats true expressing yourself gives you strength.there is no way to cave in that will mot disempower you even if it's fully conscious in hopes to outwit .at least not for me coz it has a high inner cost .but I see other ppl doing it and not caring a bit
Such a clear expression. My family was totally coming from The Law of the Jungle. Mother is a narcissist and in fight operating from pride and father was avoidant, in flight, operating from shame.
There is no more important video in existence than this one except one that shows how our society can shift to feed all of its people with a living wage and dignified jobs for all, along with mental health education for all throughout life, thereby preventing the need to live in survival mode.
Thankyou for existing good sir !
11:28 - 11:47
This hit me exactly where I needed it to. My journey is in the early exploration stages, and I just realised I’ve been educating myself with a subconscious intent to fix or harness my weakness as strength.
The significant realisation of how difficult this journey is going to be has just dawned on me; I’ve spent my whole life “improving myself” in layers of alters, and now im going to have to be mindful of when I’m healing/growing healthily vs fixing myself / masking / unhealthy unmet needs based “improvements”
I’ve always talked to professionals / psyches because it’s “the right way to approach mental health”. For the first time; looking at what is happening and how my view of myself and the world is going to poison the well - I honestly believe I need help and I’m going to seek a professional.
Thanks for the great education
🧠🤺👍
Hello, Mr. Fletcher. I am from Indonesia. Your video just explained my whole existence in survival mode. I have problems to release my emotions and dealing with myself. You've helped me a lot through this healing journey by giving me powerful insights and positive feedback. I'm glad to have found your channel. The content of your video is very easy to understand, every word, and everything in the video is important to me. Thank you SO MUCH for creating such an amazing series and sharing helpful perspectives! God bless you, Mr. Fletcher. 🙏🏻💗
This was fantastic and so informative. 👏 Thank you ❤ I am grateful.
Narcissism exists on a spectrum, one that is exacerbated by traumatic abuse. In other words, you are actually a closet empath who has been pushed into relativistic, mirror-based, reactive narcissism because you took the bait.
The game is about emotional manipulation. Bigger emotions have more weight. This is the birth of the extremism that charcuterizes not only narcissism, but the traumatic, uncontrollable, triggered reactions of the ones they abuse - the empaths!
They never taught you the rules of power (The 48 Rules of Power by Robert Green - read it and you will better understand true narcissism) and you fell into it by default. It happened as a child while lacking responsibility for the actions of those narcissistic abusers around you. You are not to blame, but you are accountable. Accept it and move along to your greater glory!
They said they loved you before training you into the opposite, into emotional weakness and manipulation through no fault of your own. That is the slippery slope, only you had no frame of reference or way of knowing right from wrong. You were a kid. They were supposed to train you to love and they did not. You are not responsible, but you remain accountable.
As a result, you are now wearing but a pair of dirty pants placed on your body by your people, the liars. Now, your soul knows truth. As such, if is untouched by the nonsense of your family. All you must do is change your pants.
You will reestablish boundaries in your life by setting proper, adult limits devoid of the lies of the past.
You are an adult today. Nothing is stopping you but you. You were ignorant, not any more. You now only lack self-love.
I just told you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. You are no longer ignorant. I cannot give you self-love. Only shadow work with the inner child will ever do that.
Good luck! I will keep you in my prayers. And so it is. Insha'Allah. Amen.
I’m not a narcissist and anyone can tell you tht. I keep to myself. I’d love to hide from the world then to be part of it. The last thing I want to do is make anyone do anything. So a narcissist I am NOT
Thank you Tim, your series 🙏 are wonderful and appreciated ❤️
This would describe my last partner, and how sad the he never wanted to go back and heal his childhood wounds and pain. My parents too, true enough. It's been hard to let go of people in pain who choose not to heal and move into a more healthy life. Abusers are created, and this is the recipe for how to create them. Thank you Tim, again - I feel so sad that some people choose this over healthy growth.
And - thinking it over I wouldn't ever comply with the abuser's dominance as child and that led to scapegoating. I was rejected and treated with contempt by my family of origin because I would not comply with the narcissistic agenda. It's a big price to pay, but I wanted to be authentic and healthy.
Relatable
Absolutely incredible, thank you
Many people are or do have a fair amount of narricistic traits, my theory especially if they are more prone to the FIGHT vs. Freeze, Flight or Fawn responses. (Although other 3 can show up as narricistic responses too.) The ability of self-awareness or evaluation, amount of control exhibited over other people or how these behaviors effect others around them & what efforts they are making to change may be helpful to consider.
This made it real for me
The capacity he has to explain complex notions like the difference between bios and Zoe superficial material life vrs soulfull life and what compromising means is amazing trully impressive. I never understood how he and Jon Uhler both find the Bible stories understandable helpfull and valuable especially the old testament that i find ethically questionable.that also amazes me bcoz with such capacity to reason they wouldn't interpret it subjectively I think.both have helped me a lot .eventhough I ve done spiritual work previously did not carry me through all the way to the other side
That's interesting. I really like John uller as well
Awesome , thank you so much you have been so helpful.
Boy! Sounds like being in a relationship with a narcissist!!! Been there. Got out!
Great video overall … a true perspective on healing from trauma ❤ very helpful.
Oh yes thank you for explaining this distinction and the need to abandon the base values of mere survival.
I was conned.... i value connection over money. And i got used by a man who offered me nothing but time. But i struggled and i was used so now tangiable is a requirement in romantic relationships..... i have to get something in order to give... im too nice.... a romantic relationship is about give and take...... and women feel like they have to give give give to get and NO. You give to children, u give to elderly, u use your brain when you date men
Thank you for this video
I got so angry listening to this because I realized how many times in my life someone has said I was mean, hateful, unfriendly, stupid, immature etc when all I was trying to do was be quiet and protect myself.
Beautifuly said!
Thank you 🙏🏼
Thank you
It’s amazing you just described how our government and all fortune 500s work. You also forgot the part where this is exactly what happened tho those kids as babies and children. There’s no awareness that the tables turned. Women in a patriarchy are never fully safe, authentic, or able to be vulnerable.
Wow🎉…..this is what I’m doing w/family for 8+ yrs…ty!!
Thank you so much .
Tim this has got to be the most helpful reparenting video in this series for me.
Ive come to understand that both fight and flight are the opposite sides of the "same coin". With fight being acting out of a heart in pride and flight is acted out in an identity of shame.
Pride says I dont need God or anyone else. Shame says theres no hope for me and hides.
Both are denying God and his love and forgiveness. Both say, I dont believe God at his word. They both call God a liar. Both say that Christs atonming sacrifice wasn't enouph for them.
Freeze is also not believing God at his word. Flight fight and freeze are survival skills found by trying to survive the "jungle". Satan is the god of this world. Doubt in God is what the serpent whispers in the ears of people because he hates us due to the fact we are made in the image of God. Satan is a liar and the father of them. Sin and the ramifications of it are clearly evidant in comex trauma. I believe the effects and ramifications of sin ether sin weve committed or sin done to us. From what I can see, the ramifications of sin IS complex trauma to one degree or another which does not bring life and ony death... Death of our souls.
Healthy is being in right relationship with God not only accepting Jesus our savior but Lord as well. We must aligne our will with his taking him at his word believing that he knows best because he loves us. We must submit to God and resist the devil. We must abide in Gods word. We must hide his word in our hearts. Hunger after is . It is food for our soul it brings life and not death.
For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only son that whosoever believe in him should not parish but have everlasting life. John 3:16
Amen God bless you. Thank you for sharing your insights.
Very eloquent. I liked how you explained sin.what I never understand is what ppl mean when they say they love God and Jesus bcoz what does that even mean?is it a belief or experiential?
Thank you for this video!
I didnt know I was whole and that something is wrong with or I am foolish for treating everyone with respect. Unable to lie. And my people look at me like I will get played because of my honesty.
An instance is when friend introduced me to a tailor and she made me really lovely dresses and I was so happy and started dancing. After we left, my friend said I shouldn't have shown excitement because the tailor might feel too good. This is one of many occasions where i have been shamed for genuinely appreciating someone. Life to many people is a game, and i hate it.
“The tailor might feel too good?” What the fuck does that even mean?
This is the first talk that doesn't relate to me at all. Started okay as I have bios not zoe and am just existing but there the relating to the talk ended. I have values that include honesty and integrity and I have loads of empathy for people, often cry with upset people. For me, unlike a narcissist, everybody else's needs come first and I find it impossible to put my needs before anyone else for whatever reason. I'm driven to make others happy and feel to blame and guilty if what I do doesn't achieve that..
I understand what you are saying, I just wanted to say/ suggest that you look into the phenomenon of 'people pleasing' and the end result of that over many years. It might not be apparent if you are young, or are not aware of codependent addiction or co-narcissism.
Codependency + people pleasing is a real psychological vice. I lived there for years, and over time the combination sucks the life out of the person who sufferers with it.
Check out people pleasing as the way that people survive but end up getting hurt by it. This is something to consider anyway if you want to.
@@mariesook9141 me too
@@mariesook9141 Thanks for showing this to othere Marie
@@mariesook9141 Yes, I can relate to what you are saying. I have done the same thing! Whats your age now and for how long did you try to people please? And, at what age did you realise that?
@@mariesook9141amen.its like playing God and saving others
I needed to know the laws of the jungle. In my country, I always feel like I don't know the correct thing to do or say. I feel like I'm living in a country of bullies. I feel very unsafe even with friends. I do feel mostly fear (high crime rate) and it drains me and keeps me from doing things I would like to. I could never figure out how so many people could be so "tricky" until I learned what narcissism is and it all makes sense now. "Trust no one and do whatever you want " seems to be the true motto of this country. I feel very out of place but at least now I know the "rules "
Which country?
I live in a country with almost no crime which practically translates to I am never afraid any hour and every place but I was also baffled abt narcs and felt I vant shine coz I ll b judged .I mean sometimes a more covert type of bullying keeps you stuck in place
I hope u can move
What country is that? I want to be that safe
Zoe... Zoe!!!!
ecoute only 11 comments... for such a great talk...
Oh my. Let me pass it on somewhat.
Great talk!
I survived long enough to hear him yay!
So how do we raise our sons to both thrive and survive a harsh world? I don't know how to balance being strong and being emotionally attuned to yourself and others
13:14 sounds like how my father was.
I m gonna say i ve tried all of 3 options of survival except the 4th being the leader
Wow
Society built on one size fits all and cultures like mine 21:36 holding motherhood and parenthood as sacred and unquestionably good gaslights a childs actual experience of being in a family based on jungle values where one is used, expected to be loyal no matter what, exists so that the family looks good, protecting perpetrator from consequences, etc. The Law of Mother being good & god, in my case. What a absolute Big Fat Lie that is.
Did Abraham ask Isaak wether he agrees to be sacrificed?wether he too wants to follow God s will ?or..did God expects us to be willing to become murderers to the point of taking away someone s free will and deceivers of one soul who trusts us wo limits to be worthy and prove our faith? The question is..would God ask us to commit sins
Maybe Abraham knew he was acting out a skit, a prophecy of where another father, God, sacrificed His son, on the same hill.
😂. Psychology sometimes is a loss of time even in this dimension. Omg.
Thank you
Thank you!