Why Borderlines and Narcissists Attract. BPD and NPD have romantic relationships and fall in love.
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- Опубликовано: 12 июн 2024
- In this video Psychologist Dr. Becky Spelman talks about why people with Borderline personality disorder (BPD) and Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) tend to attract intensely and end up having quite high conflict dramatic relationships with one another.
People who are very high on the traits of these personality disorders often attract because of both the similarities and the differences that these individuals have.
Similaries between people with these personality disorders or traits have a fear of abandonment, stormy relationships, impaired insight, poor boundaries, cognitive distortions, a need for constant attention and also tend to idealise and devalue people.
There are however many differences between these disorders.
People with Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) have a grandiose view of themselves and like control and power and feel they should receive special attention, they have fantasies of unlimited power and success and their image of themselves is consist. They have less of a need for strong connections with others.
People with Borderline personality disorder (BPD) feel frightened of abandoned and feel desperate if they feel this may happen, they are far more submissive than Narcissistic, have an unstable self image, low value of self and a greater need to connect to others.
Why they attract
These personalities magnetise. The borderline sees everything they are not in the Narcissist, they admire their confidence and feel that their self esteem is boosted by being involved with them, providing them with a sense of completeness so they throw themselves in to this relationship.
From the Narcissist point of view they have found someone who gives them continuous validation and attention, this affirms and reaffirms their idealised sense of self.
Initially the relationship will work out really well until one person doesn’t get what they want and the relationship becomes volatile.
When Narcissist don’t feel like they are being idealised they will change from being the charismatic saviour type to cold and distant, this is the borderlines worst nightmare as it triggers their fear of abandonment. The person with BPD will then often chase the Narcissist pursing love and attention from them but this plays right in to the Narcissist desire for control and attention. The Narcissist will often (but not always) take their BPD partner back, repeating the cycle again.
This cycle of dysfunction can often repeat itself for years with either the same partner or different partners.
Treatment compliance is difficult due to fear of change, there is an odd sense of comfort in the disfunction, fear of change.
Dr. Becky Spelman also gives a real life client example in this video.
Dr. Becky Spelman is a top Psychologist in London, Becky is the Clinic Director for Private Therapy Clinic which has clinic's based all around central London including; Harley Street, Wigmore Street, Bank, Earls Court & Canary Wharf. Becky uses Psychodynamic Therapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing, Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and Mindfulness to treat a range of difficulties with a particular interest in Borderline Personality Disorder and the difficulties that go with this condition such as relationship difficulties, anxiety, depression, low-self esteem, social anxiety, fear of public speaking, fear of intimacy, interpersonal difficulties, anger, body image issues, eating disorders and addictions.
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As a borderline, all I want is my feelings validated, you don’t have to agree, just be a safe place for me to feel my overwhelming emotions.
Thank you for sharing this
But this is obviously a... statement that belies your true inner-self.
Good luck
I hear this
Thank you so much for this.
Both the good and the bad?
Always remember, when you are borderline you are very similar to a normal person, you just have strong emotions and strong pain that can be easily irritated (lets say you have a very traumatized "alter"). A narcissist is a person close to a psychopath. You have an overreactive amygdala, the narcissist has a shrunken amygdala. You produce loads of oxytocin (bonding hormone) narcissist is producing a very small amount of oxytocin (therefore they can't really bond), you perceive the world very vividly and deeply, narcissist perceives the world in a very shallow, little coloured way. Also, remember that even normal people who have no personality disorders have 50 percent of the same problems as borderlines and narcissists.
Thank you for your comment
True....Bpd is so much like PTSD, rather than a cluster B...Bpd has been proven treatable just like PTSD, or Complex PTSD..whereas Npd is impossible to treat as they have a seared conscious & more brain damage, less grey matter in the brain.
Thank you
I believe I am BPD but some people talk to me like they say Im self absorbed and don't worry about their problems so I wonder often if I'm a narc is it true if you worry about being a narc you probably aren't?
Good points!
NPD: avoidant attachement style, BPD: ambivalent/disoragnized attachement style. Burnt in their nervous and hormon systems...
As a borderliner myself I agree. We love the feeling of someone being with us that is charming confident and handsome. Just to make us feel better even if that person treath us like shit. We borderline people are some of the kindest sweet souls out there. We hate to hurt anyone and love to serve people around us. After break up we can get manipulatief and lose our minds. But in general not al borderliners are manipulatief. We have our episodes, just in order for someone to understand us and empathize with our feelings!! We don't manipulate to use someone for something we wanne love and receive love back, but because we end up with narc the cycle continues ... for all borderliner get help it works. I stopped cutting myself and start therapy and listen to good coaches. You can heal and be a light in yourself.
Can we be friends?
Hate to say this not trying to trigger but I got a sinking feeling when I heard about Gabby petitio because she seemed possible borderline and Brian seemed narcissist so I feel like this is truly dangerous
Can't thank enough for this comment... sending u love n light my dear friend
Maybe you would find a better person if you looked beneath the surface a little more.
The cycle continues yeah basically! Been dealing with narcissists my whole life!
Thanks for the education. I have quiet borderline traits and have had a tumultuous relationship with a narcissistic woman. I'm committed to staying single until I can understand myself, manage, and heal. Then I will attract a healthy partner when I can be healthy.
Thank you for watching
All people have borderline traits. Codependents have at least 50-70 percent of borderlines traits but without having those uncontrollable emotional highs.
It's completely normal to attract narcs...your parents were...narcissists cause Bpd & Npd...when we stop being an extension of our narc parents..then we can heal. They stole our sense of self...in reality....
@@TomeRodrigo my therapist told me Bpd traits are pretty normal...its like being an adult codependent...emotionally dependent on someone else. When you didnt receive the emotional empathy from your caregivers...now you live life as an adult not understanding yourself & trying to get the unconditional love you never had....while expecting it from another....that is codependency
@@TomeRodrigo I dated a codependent as a person with Bpd traits....he was so dependent on my approval....he used emotional blackmail...young man..threatened suicide to try to get my attention. I tried to help him...i even pulled him out of oncoming traffic....but all he did was smother me by offering nothing & leaving his past trauma for me to deal with...he was drowning in emotions...I was verbally abusive I admit...I tried to get him to help himself instead of being sick over my approval...he was needy & as a person with ptsd & bpd I hate that...I just wanted to help him get off my back... I'm not here to take care of everyone else.
The shortest dating I had was with a narcissist. It was traumatizing. And it led mo to watch therapy, coaching videos because he was a handful in terms of lying, with his finances, and apathy. It was late before I realized he was a narcissist.
it's amazing how you present npd and bpd equally. knowing that there are probably twice as many narc as there are borderlines out there, it's funny how only bpd admit their weaknesses here, honestly. yet npd would NEVER do this, not one single comment says hey i am a NARC, not on any video. lol
I am a narc and going through therapy. I dont want to hurt noone ever again and I want a secure feeling in my body and a happy family. Its just a defense mechanism, we are not that different in terms of causation, only in terms of the reaction to trauma. Bpd played the good child, nrc the bad one.
You’re illiterate. Diagnosed npd population is small, npd traits are common among most of not all people but that doesn’t mean they’re npd. In fact bpd is far more common than npd bc a pwbpd is a failed narcissist thus more prevalent among the population. Don’t be so soft and project your bruised ego
Im also BPD and i just got out of a 10 year marriage with a man who actually expressed all 13 of the traits you listed in another video at many various moments in our relationship... why i was so desperately miserable and why he never really gave a damn when no one was watching makes so much sense now... thank you so much!!!!
I'm BPD and my ex was a narcissist. This all makes sense!
Trust me I’m so ready for a non stormy relationship 😅
Thank you for sharing
Hi 😳
Yep.. I am borderline and Im owning it. Having a quick read of the comments. Mostly true. I am watching videos on how to value myself, high standards, boundaries etc. How TO behave, I am safe to experience empathy now, self care, learning psychology, not personalizing it.. patting myself on the back for handling things correctly. Life is getting better. (This was never taught to me by 2 narc parents with a HSP child.. me)
Awesome!!!🔥🙌🏻
It does get better. Commit to actually doing DBT and trying on that "lonely" coat for a while, new nice friends/ lovers will find you when you've learnt the skills to emotionally act accordingly ;) I need to turn the volume down, so to speak, and DBT taught me that.... after 4 rounds of the course hahaha
Ok.. Sounds like its really worth it. For me it's very expensive and hard to find. "Therapy in a nutshell" helped. "Anna Bey" helped. I really like youtube videos on controlling emotions.
Wow she explains narcs and borderlines so perfectly
This video deserves more videos because I felt every second of this. I’ve been diagnosed with BPD and the person I’m seeing has a lot of narcissistic traits. It’s a chaotic cycle
Get out NOW
I relate to BPD and think my ex had some narc traits. I agree get out!
@@optimusprime2799 you get out.
With any luck you can learn to identify the worst traits among the Cluster B's and how to hopefully either avoid them, or if you absolutely foolishly insist on it, in finding the kind of person with antisocial traits that is not a true sociopath and not a true narcissist and is very self aware and committed to making things work, because the biggest problem is that sociopaths and psychopaths can identify people like Avoidant, Borderline, Narcissist, and various other types with any insecurity or deep need and basically exploit them by seeming to give them what they want. Which now that I think about it how do they question the difference between what is sincere and what is just them faking it? Do they even know the difference? It seems especially sad if they truly are trying and just failing over and over because they're so blinded by their PD they do not even understand they are hurting others and not nourishing their partner with what they need.
I’m bpd and decided to stop this pattern and learn to be alone and grow my self worth.
The root of this is childhood trauma…..the npd usually represents a similar personality parent to the bpd (avoidant, aloof). Replaying that out’in romantic relationships- the bpd is trying to get loved, validated, and be worthy by the npd bc then the bpd would be enough (bc they didn’t get it from first primal attachment- parents)
This is a childhood trauma cycle. Must learn to love yourself and process and heal your childhood wounds-it’s very difficult, but less difficult than seeking love from an incapable human.
Indeed, breaking the cycle of seeking validation from others and learning to love and validate oneself is a challenging but essential journey. It often involves working through past traumas, understanding oneself on a deeper level, and developing healthier coping mechanisms.
i feel really attracted to people with npd and aspd (have dated people with the disorders) and i think it’s because i love having someone be my whole world which can give people with npd ego boosts i am in the vicious cycle of all this
Thank you for sharing, we hope you found the video informative
Yes!!!!!!!
What is ASPD? I have BPD. And I was raised by a narcissistic mother. Very toxic relationship. I don’t know if there is a diagnosis for a father who sees what’s going on but only comforted and supported us in private. In her presence he would take her side. It was very confusing and deeply hurtful. I’m 59 now and have, trauma, cptsd, bpd, anxiety, depression…I’m divorced and I live in another state from my birth family. My ex husband took a job on the East Coast but we were both born & raised in the Mid West. Got married and had our 2 sons there. But my youngest was diagnosed with Autism about 7 months after we moved and Massachusetts is the best place to be for services…27 years later, I’m all alone, my older son just finished 9yrs 7 months in the Army. Our relationship is strained. He’s applying for Federal jobs so he won’t even be living here once he’s hired and assigned to a job. My ex husband is living with a woman who is pulling all the strings and she strongly dislikes me, and my youngest son is now in a group home but his father is his guardian so I have no say In Patrick’s life…my family refuses to believe that I have BPD, CPTSD, & Trauma from being sexually abused by a doctor from 4 1/2 through 13. My mother was in the room every time! It wasn’t until I was 53yrs old and in Missouri visiting my family that one of my older sisters confessed to me in private that he had sexually abused her also. But after I returned to Massachusetts she changed her story and I was left looking like a liar. Now I have no one.
No family, no children, no friends, & no companions. I live just want it all to end, the pain the loneliness, the judgement, the criticism, the being shut out. This isn’t a life. It’s a never ending punishment. Day in and day out I live with the pain I’ve caused to those I love because I wasn’t diagnosed until I was in my 50’s. I’d never heard of BPD before. And trying to find treatment is next to impossible. I feel hopeless, exhausted, ashamed, overwhelmed, and like a pariah. I just want the pain to stop. 💔💔💔
Thank You! You’ve very clearly explained a painful thread that has run through my life since I was a child. I’m 60, and your talk has created a revelation of sorts.☮️
I watched this to understand my childhood and ended up understanding my marriage. :/
I have bdp and my ex who I loved like crazy was a narcissist..it was hell I was so weak kinda begging him to stay and not leave..and when he saw me weak and need him he destroyed me and broke my heart..he was so bad and I was kinda stuck feeling more crazy coz he changing so I was more sad and running after him. and he was treating me like trash..what a horrible days 😪😔
Sorry to hear this.
This was my experience also - my body was shocked at the cruelty of the dismissiveness after all the time we spent together, so triggering, so devastating.
I am so sorry. This also happened to me just a few days ago. She broke up with me saying everything was my fault, but still wanted to be friends and talk to me everyday. I found out about a new guy of hers and I made a small scene about it Bec I was so hurt. She still wanted to talk to me though and what I felt like to be confusing actions and words, I thought there was a chance. She gets another guy and flaunted him in front of me at the place we both work at. when I pleaded with her that I still loved her and wanted to fix anything I could, that’s when she got evil, cussed me out, sent me a pic of her and her guy together, cussed me some more and all I kept doing was apologizing and saying I deserved it all. The sad thing is, I still love her and am afraid I would take her back if she wanted to make it work. I’m pathetic.
Thank you so much for this, this has been my life for the last 25 years!
Oh boy the fact i idealise my partners and new friends means that narcissists love me because I can give them a lot of supply.
Same!
To my fellow BPD , stay away from Narcissists, in the beginning it feels great, but that's just part of their cycle, once they get bored with you, they devalue you which is absolute Hell and then they'll ghost and discard you, leaving you suffering and in a world of pain for a long time.
Not if you unconsciously play their games better than they ever could. It wasn’t on purpose but I crushed him pretty badly
@@TreadingtheBorderlands How did you play their game better they could?
Ever notice when someone is having a BPD episode that there is an aura of knives and you have to stand 15 feet away?
This explain my relationship- as someone with BPD none of my relationships last and my last was this ^^ just this. It was dreadful and it ended with him having no care or want of me - and was over it. And I’m still left completely distraught. I always had a hunch but. I didn’t wanna believe it made excuses for all of what he did but. At the end of the day he’s a narcissist- and I’m a fool
...it's the way, you learn. Exercise makes the master.
Heads up! ;)
@@maxmustermann7453 omg you need a bum smack young man! No lessons learned when we're told we'll never amount to anything by someone who says they love and cherish me. *cue loud fart noise cause seriously......
You're perfect. He's a trickster and they seek the easiest way to dangle a love kernel to get us to leap through hoops to possibly, maybe, get another tiny love crumb.
Thank you for this video! You have explained the subject very clearly and accurately! Looking forward to more videos from this RUclips Channel. :)
Rose Anne Jade Bumanglag Thanks you so much, I’m glad you liked the video.
It is relieving to listen to someone who sees a light at the end of the tunnel. Usually, Psychology professionals and coaches just identify the symptoms and do not talk thoroughly about the causes and the way to fix this, because it can be fixed. You are usually told there is no way back to normal, but there is. You can be autocritical and go back in time in your memories and see how and when you build these layers that cover your true self, I have been able to do it, it is a lifetime process, but if you want to, you can.
Don’t forget to mention how both borderlines and narcissists are also attracted to people with existing CPTSD from former NPD/BPD abuse 😒
This needs to be covered more. I have cptsd and have attracted several of these people into my life, including a long term relationship with my ex who has bpd. That's a really dangerous combo, as its practically a guaranteed trauma bond if you stay too long. These people don't always attract a narcissist, sometimes they attract those who aren't personality disordered who have been injured by those who are. Much like sharks smelling blood from an injured animal.
This is one of the best videos on this topic!
You just described my life in the midst of your video - now I am 62 and struggling to avoid all the awfull things in the past - even if it means I must live my life alone. Its not a bad life, have a number of old and good friends. I am not borderliner, but have childhood traumas.
Wow! This was absolutely, 100 percent my last 4 years of my life dating a narcissist! I truly see I am BPD also! A step in a healing direction. My mind is blown!!
Clear and great content.
Great channel. This LMFT appreciates you!
Glad you enjoy it!
Wonderful video. Thank you.
Have a nice day.
I just had a very rapid and (emotionally) violent cycle with an (occasionally) very close (non-romantic) friend. However this time around I was able to introspect a lot more than in the past and realized that she exhibits a lot of the traits of a narcissist. That in turn led me to discover that I exhibit a lot of borderline traits. So I've more or less ghosted her. I realize now that though it is always wonderful when we first reconnect, it most often ends in pain and harsh feelings of rejection on my part. So I've decided to just be done.
And now I have a lot of personal work to do as I have just discovered a new diagnosis that really changes how I approach my emotional and interpersonal struggles.
Smart woman .. beautifully presented .. could listen all day ... Learning with this channel...intresting .
Thank you for this comment
This is a very good explanation. I suffer BPD, and most of my partners were narcissoid or also BPD. About manipulation, on the BPD scale it is unconsciousness totally. It is always driven from fear of abandontment. In one book about BPD I was so greatfull because they understood problem so much as npt to call it manipulation, because it is not in the real scence. And much about it can be done in psychotherpy wich is great. And you can shift youre state in to more peacfull life.
This is very powerful information here
verrrrry eye opening.. ty x
the guy i used to be obsessed with was a big narcissist and i loved it its been 4 years and i still drift in and out of obsession
I appreciate the video - Narcissism is so destructive! I creatively portray narcissism in the last video on my channel w/ a funny skit also. I hope we inspire/inform people to avoid manifesting narcissism in their life! Just subscribed to your channel too - Keep up the meaningful content.
Thank you for this lovely comment and thanks for subscribing
@@dr.beckyspelman No problem
Interesting information.
Finally a good video about bpd and npd
NPD will torture the BPD until the first sign of vulnerability. Then, they will tear the NPD in half. These personalities are soo doomed. Such a sad reality.
please explain
Borderlines are grounded in reality....When a borderline has had enough psychological & emotional abuse, they will be a firestorm in a narcs life..
Most narcissists are no match for a borderline's rage. Most narcissists, aside from malignants, are too fragile and easily wounded.
@@jennifermaxine2453 Well said. I have BPD traits. I took so much gaslighting and stonewalling for 5 years. I realised I had no real existence in his life even if he was deeply in "love" with me. I was only supposed to be his cheerleader and not a partner. Even slight criticism, which is very normal will set him off into gaslighting and silent treatment.
Thereafter, I put my foot down and pulled his mask.
@@jennifermaxine2453 Right you WILLLLL NOT TAKE advantage of me and get away BPD .
I have BPD and know I've been with some narcissists. But when you came to the real life example it was just like you were in my home with my current partner... That was some serious goose bumps! Thought I'd finally escaped the narcs, but apparently not... Thanks for an awesome video, good insights!
Thank you for your video.
He wasn’t a narcissist but a sociopath and he really took 3 years of my life just to leave me in the dirt without an explanation or anything he just cut me off 😂 f$cked me up baaadd
Sorry to hear your experience, thank you for sharing
I’m sorry . I hope you’re doing better 💕
@nero zero he did small things that made me think he was a sociopath. He’d get angry at me for small things and then noticed I was bothered and he’d laugh it off like nothing happened which isn’t that weird tho. He smacked me in the face once because I was joking and tickling him them later asked me “what’s wrong why are you upset?” Like dude you just smacked the crap out of me. I asked him was he a sociopath and he mentioned he used to be and he was “better” now but then I said “well you really care about your sister so you do have some feelings” he says “yeah but I’d still kill her” dead seriously and I still dont know if that was true but he was pretty serious.
@nero zero It is not just sadists that do this, although they are one type of PD who does. Borderlines can leave someone in the dust if they suspect you might abandon them (they abandon pre-emptively) and move on immediately. Narcissists can do this. Malignant narcissists certainly can do this. Psychopaths can do this, and it need not be the sadistic psychopaths either. Avoidants can do this.
I am in a long term relationship with a diagnosed BPD woman, I myself (male), although not diagnosed, am somewhat of a venn diagram center of a sociopath/narcissist, not checking enough boxes of the DSM criteria for either, but definitely having some of the overlapping traits of both (arrogance, need for validation on the surface level, anti-social or lack of need for deep connections, difficulty with empathy (not a total lack thereof, but very forced, I know "how" I "should feel", but dont naturally feel that way). Can you do a video like this touching on relationships between BPD and sociopaths? Any advice? I struggle with apathy and try to avoid the drama my BPD partner brings with their disorder as it feels intrusive.
Sorry to hear this, we can offer you a free 15 minute call with a member of our team. Please email info@privatetherapyclinic.com to book.
Spot on!
Thank you for your comment
This blew my mind! Wow
This is very profound
Thank you for your comment
My ex had bpd and she loved the chaos and drama. When things became peaceful it would soon turn to chaos. She often fantasized about what everyone would think if she and I were to divorce. It was a roller coaster ride.
Same with my bpd ex. A lot of times they attract codependents too. We're the fixers, and we stay with these types way too long, as it allows us to abandon ourselves. I would always try to bring peace, but she'd never be ok with it lasting long. Eventually it all went to hell anyway. Lessons learned. These aren't relationships, they're two people who suffered varying degrees of the same childhood trauma, and become trauma bonds if you stay long enough.
Explained well. Personality disorders are complex and seem to have different levels on a scale in different individuals. The one thing that seems common is that people with either BPD or NPD love or give love not because they care for their partner or desire to share feelings rather they want their needs satisfied and for selfish reasons. Also , when they don'y get their needs satisfied they will deliberately punish their partner by devaluing them. It's abusive , mean and controlling.
Okay first off this is very incorrect I have bpd and if you actually know how bpd works you would know it’s actually the opposite of what your saying right now a lot of the times we crave to be loved and also the that love back . Me personally I have always been a very loving person and truly and deeply love others and value them I do that because I CARE about them and there feelings and emotions are something I take into consideration because it’s something that’s important. A lot of people with bpd not only have a fear of a abandonment but also a fear of hurting others ( obviously not eveyeyone experiences the same thing but it’s usually in different ways ) if you fear to hurt someone it’s because you greatly love and care about that person and DONT want to cause them harm
@@DemonsofFreaks OK then my ex had NPD.
@@surfshack2 then I’m very truly sorry you had to go threw that I completely understand what it’s like to be traumatized by someone with a severe mental illness and then attach that person to others with those illnesses . You didn’t deserve that treatment what so ever and you are NOT to blame or responsable for how they acted or felt . I’m sending you much love and care if you ever need to talk Im here if you want to :)
@@surfshack2 but I hope you understand even with NPD people can still want to change and do better . Regardless if they had BPD or NPD they still were not putting that effort to change when you voiced your hurt . It’s not even the disorder it’s more about the persons choice
@@DemonsofFreaks My ex would never talk to me like that. You have a heart and compassion. My ex was more flirty and provocative.
So helpful
Thank you for watching
As a treated borderline who just realized at 44 my mother was a narcissist since I was my 56 day husband, I instantly knew he was a predator because we both grew up in institutions me the hospital and he corrections. I couldn’t help it, I’ve cried more for him than pregnancy. He never cared really and sucked my money.
That was good . It described me to the T.
A BPD person will eventually destroy a NPD person in a relationship..even though we feel bad doing it..
Thank you for your comment
How? A bpd person feels bad about their doings but a npd person is just ruthless
But thats why npd men choose us. Mortification. To actually lose the false self, if only for a short while. Sam Valknin is the expert on this. Explains my bpd and need for narcissistic partners.
The otherway around xD
Good! They deserve it if that is true!
this is what happend with me for 10 years with my covert NPD ex.... it was like we never got past the 3rd date. the more id pull for intimacy more she would push away
Spot on
even the slightest things id perceive as rejection and completely shut down felt like the most worthless pos to ever exist when i was around him, could never quite put my finger on why i felt so useless only around him when i was usually confident and myself around everyone.. a mean look he’d give me or not holding my hand tightly like he used or not saying i love you as often as he would in the start EVERYTHING, id notice the slightest changes only for him to act nonchalant like constantly making me feel like i was the crazy one, the only time i ever would see him laugh or be happy was when i was raging or giving a reaction, holy he loved that.. he lived for it. it’s so extremely painful being in a relationship with a npd person, all he did was break and belittle me all while i lifted him up and wiped his tears all i wanted was to love and be loved yet all i got was yet another reason to push everyone away. npds are the scum of the earth
They truly are and seem to be attracted to BPDs for some hopeless horrible reason!
This is terrible...and sad. This was my last relationship. And everything is making sense now. It's scary. And now I have to tell my therapist I may be on the spectrum smh. *tears* because I know we are not going to ever see each other again!
As a borderline person, recently I got into relationship after few months he is behaving so cold to me and I even don't know the reason... now I know why !!
curious if anyone has dated a narc , knew it was toxic , had many breakups/make ups with all the usual trimmings of smear campaign ect but still either moved in with or married the narc , My question is , Did it get better or worse and how so ? thanks
It becomes like a parent child relationship and one is always seeking the others approval affection and validation never works
very well explained. my ex gf got recently diagnosed with bpd. she used to call me a nark. was a rocky 7 years .. we both agree it was something special. we have parted now on agreed terms. although we absolutely love eachother. I'm confident outgoing but guilty of discarding. because I don't trust her..she lies alot..and distorted truths. like I say I'm no angel. was a rocky relationship.. intense ..love making was beutiful. and holding hands even behind closed doors..in public too. I love the affection from a person with bpd. if I went back..I would do it again for sure. she had total respect from me 99% of the time. yes I ran when things got ruff why? because have read horrible stories of guys giving 100% love time affection only to be left out in the cold by a bpd sufferer. so naughty and nice.. gave me 7 years of a juicy rocky intense relationship
Favorite comment from all the combinations of these videos and very truthful
Very true. You will never find a relationship like one with someone with bpd. They love soo deeply
Its not the narss that used to get me it was the covert narss. They come off like empaths initially but as you spend more time with them the lack of empathy starts to seep out. At this point I'm just not friendly at all lol
Can we just talk about how pretty her voice is 😍😍
Thank you for watching
Hello I have a question , I have severe BPD is there a level up from severe 😔 it's really upsetting. Thankyou any feedback would be my h appreciated.
I had been with bpd four years sometimes I felt that I am bpd...why it is so?
i think my boyfriend has NPD and i have BPD. or im the narcissist. i dont know anymore. everything is so confusing ;~; i wish i knew which way was up. i feel so conflicted. hes such a good person. hes so good to me. but i dont know whats even real anymore. nothing feels like its real.
That could be schizophrenia.
So is it true that BPD and NPD relationship have a high percentage of failure?
My ex gf had bpd with some comorbid narc traits. And became very overt narc towards her final discard. During our relationship I can see that I had some NPD traits. I sought out a therapist and was told I didn't meet the criteria for NPD. But I feel this was our relationship for two years. And it's scary how accurate it all was. She had 3 kids for previous marriage. And was constantly talking about having my kid. I don't have any. But I always felt it was more about her than it was about us. But jeez I see how I got swept up in the fantasy.
This is really heart breaking because I struggle with cognitive Dissonance with her. She discarded me finally. After months of toxic behavior and manipulation. But christ this is all so scary to me.
Chaos and drama. They love that.
The irony is they are the first people to say they hate drama LOL!
I think I just figured out that he was a passive aggressive personality rather than narcissist. Im borderline and this gaslighting triggered my illness so badly. I ran away and ruined my life. He was also conveniently anti-psychology so there was no working with it. I needed to stay put but just bar my door. I lost everything.
Passive-aggressives are all narcissists, all of them. In fact, they're the most "stable" appearing kind because their abuse is covert and almost unnoticeable to outside onlookers. And someone not willing to entertain GROUP therapy or really that they need any kind of work is the bigest red flag.
Look up covert narcissism
Even if he is not a narcissist, someone who is triggering you is not the right person for you. How are you doing 2 years later?
Why do they always mention bpd & narcissism in those videos together! Bpd aren‘t as toxic and mean. Also their manipulative behavior is waaay more unconcious.
BPD here. Yes, we most certainly can be toxic and mean when feeling threatened. You are in denial and need to do more research. All a BPD is, is a collapsed narcissist. And all BPDs, unless they're an unaware narcissist who thinks they're BPD because they romanticize being BPD, go through cycles of almost psychopathic cruelty if they are defending themselves from someone they think has slighted them. BPDs are rooted in trauma. Think of them as narcissists with PTSD.
Narcs aren't always conscious of their manipulations.
I have bpd and my ex is a narcissist
Thank you for sharing this
BPD is caused by subtle emotional & psychological abuse. You probably didn't notice your caregivers covert emotional invalidation (silent treatment)or even more extreme abuse & gaslighting....like myself.
All exes of a BPD are narcissists. I've never met any exceptions. Ever.
As someone with BPD is there any way for us to live a happy balanced life? I know my symptoms and I know why I do certain things after I have done it. However nobody has any advice on how to live with it.
Feel free to contact us to arrange an initial 15 minute call with a practitioner info@privatetherapyclinic.com
Do narcissists do all these things knowingly or is it possible for them to do it accidentally ?
Yep because their both joined at the wound ,Pamela Stevenson ?
If both are unaware, not trying to heal or communicate their behaviours, this is a nightmare. when both are working on themselves or have worked on themselves and honestly communicate their behaviours (I'm not talking high on the scale of npd or bpd) it's a lot better, in my experience.
There is no change.
What an excellent explanation! I have done some soul searching and trying to understand myself better by using astrology as a main tool and an addition to my past experiences. I have concluded that I have both BPD and NPD. To be sure of my own disorders I went to MRI scan as well because many people don't believe in the connection between planets and our existence. My amygdala and prefrontal cortex are highly damaged and atrophied. Which fit perfectly well with my natal chart (My moon (emotional state) is very ill and badly aspected , and my Leo asc (the narcissist) is very strongly intensified). I have decided to stay single and to try to heal my wounded soul (very traumatic childhood). But is it possible to work on ourself in relation to our relationships when we are not in a committed relationship? I think my BPD is concern about the other person and my NPD is concern about my own being. I really really would like to know if one is capable to heal on their own?!?!!?
Well, at least I'm not a narcissist. Sigh. Wish I'd of learned all this sooner.
Thank you for watching
What about narcissistic borderliners? Who do they attract?
Best video ever i am borderline and my man a narcissit .....all true ....
Same here... 😩
@@aura420. is so hard and painfull for us
Thank you for watching
@@agnese2215 I got diagnosed few weeks ago. My treatment starts in January. Hope something makes me change my mind set otherwise i don't know....
I know girl, it's so hard and maybe impossible in the long run cause we hurt so bad. Never get our needs met, constantly living on the edge on breakdown. Stay strong, seek treatment, that's my only hope now.
Read, watch youtube videos, educate yourself... This has helped me ❤️
Wow just explained the trainwreck relationship I just got dumped in
Wow I’m really the walking definition of bpd
Cptsd is one a hair away diagnosis from BPD. Alot are misdiagnosed with BPD
most bpd are made by narc parents! that being said every grown up has to start by taking responsibility for their own Lives, Feelings and Happinness and Deeds and Consequences thereoff. that being said, as a successfully therapeutised, selfreflected bpd who has not had a episode for 15 years and very recently bc of a relationship with a imho covert npd who is not too high on the scale but still to the point where it does me harm, i had a relapse and hurt myself bc he did not seem to care that i wanted to end it and it triggered my pain and abandoment issues all over again after that many years of being strong, happy, independent and calm very balanced Lady.
so spare me the bs in the comments about bpd's being at fault when we finally been pushed too far.
I WILL Survive. I am*
the little girl in me will allways love the little boy in him though 😢
Its ok Sweetie Ye be ok. Ye allways have :) (hugging my inner little Girl).
Thank you! It's not always the BPDs fault as most people would like to think sometimes you can't continue to deal with another person's BS! I mean it's like the whole goal of NPDs is to push people overboard. And God forbid you react with anger.
@@andrewsmith3257 yes this is very true. Thank You as well. These Days Peace of Mind is highest Value. We just have to know that we allways have the Birthright to say NO to anyone or anything without any justification or explanation! Its our Life and we decide who we want in it. We can not change People, but become Souvereign or our own Lives. :) be and stay blessed.
This doesn't make sense to me I married a woman who was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and she turned my life upside down and emotional, physical and mentally abused me .. I knew nothing about these patterns until I went to therapy. As noted my question is why should someone take the abuse from the borderline?? Simple thing is to just leave . When I met her she was in a relationship with 2 men and living with me . If that's not narcissistic plz tell me better .
You're describing borderline as someone with CPTSD but I've also heard it described very differently. Are there two different types of borderline?
PTSD straight up looks like BPD, and not just CPTSD but PTSD. Much research supports its possibility of just being a manifestation of post-trauma. But people can't hear that because they'd have to validate these people have been abused or had traumatic experiences. Trauma and abuse is a competition to narcissists, they actually get jealous to see another person or group getting empathy, hence, All Live Matters, for example. It happens with interpersonal relationships but also on wider social scales too.
Perhaps the borderlines that recover have a form of CPTSD and the ones that don't are probably vulnerable narcs that have been misdiagnosed?
@@G123. PTSD sounds like my life with BPD. It was traumatic AF
@@andrewsmith3257 I think there's a huge connection between PTSD and sincere exposure to trauma and BPD or Asperger/autistic symptoms. People don't want to own that trauma can produce variants of autism, but it can. People keep splitting hairs, but there are too many people who I can't even tell what diagnosis fits them more, because they could easily be both Cluster B or autistic, but all have valid trauma. I think they're all just different angles of the same animal.
@@G123. yeah well I'm Autistic spectrum too apparently there is significant overlap with these disorders according to Dr Sam Vaknin (high functioning Autism) is indistinguishable from Narcissism and I think he's right about that. You ever notice the similarities? Lack of empathy for Autists (lack of affective empathy) but have Cognitive empathy. For Narcissists (lack of empathy altogether) Cold Empathy is what it's called. Apparently all of the cluster B personality disorders are interrelated. With all variants (BPD, Psychopathy, and Narcissism) having traits of the other
Makes sence
Thank you for watching
Thank you for sharing. This perfectly describes my relationship with my ex narc. I wish I knew I had bpd at the time so I could start to heal myself but I always knew something was wrong. Question is can a narc ever be in a healthy relationship?
It cannot
Narcissists do not see others as human with their own sense of self..the relationship is in their head. They are like a schizophrenic...they only relate to internal objects...meaning other people don't exist...only a narcissist is real, everyone else is an object to be used. Brain damage.
Thank you for sharing your experience, it is possible for narcissists to be in healthy relationships but most likely the other person will find it emotionally and psychologically exhausting.
Thank you for sharing! This also links to Narcissists lack of empathy
@@sedrikpocuch9046 they can if they actually want to please understand that
As a person who has bpd how can I stop to attract Narcissists? I just want a stable relationship
We can offer you a free 15 minute phone call with one of our practitioners to discuss this in more detail and therapy options?
I'm wondering the same thing. Honestly I think it's just self-efficacy. Like doing things yourself instead of depending on others. It sucks but it's the only way..
Don’t give them attention once you notice they feed off it and rely on it for self esteem regulation. I suck at this cause the beginning feels so nice
Yeah, it's like you love but hate the narcissist so much
Ohh yea
What happens when two borderlines get together ? Or two narcissists get together ? 40% of Bpd have narcissistic traits
Narcs are bad, but you kinda get what you are getting into, BPDs... They are so unaware of their rotten malevolence
Any borderlines here have ideas about who is the best for we to partner with romantically?
Ourselves
Not a narc. No offense to them but ew
BPDs can be just as selfish as NPDs, for BPDs, they're always the victim and it's always your fault, for NPDs, you're never the victim because NPDs are perfect in their minds.
Finally some honesty
@@Bleilock1 not really tbh you have to learn how the disorder works if someone with bpd isn’t willing to try and help themselves and see and understand there wrongs even if it’s a lot of try and errors then they are simply not a good person to have in life regardless of bpd . They need to want to have the help and need to want to get better . I have bpd so I would appreciate it if you had a more open mind about this because it’s definitely not a truth to it and if someone if blaming you for there actions and is doing it knowing that’s what they do then that’s someone who isn’t a good person
Hey I have bpd and I just wanted to say please don’t speak about bpd as if you have or done more research on it . I personally don’t think I am the victim I think slot of the times I just blame myself I became more self aware by others pointing out my own manipulative behaviors even tho I truly didn’t want it to be and I genuinely thought those are my emotions but then I leaned a healthier way to cope with it and how to simply just not say how I feel FULLY to that person and just claim down and validate my own emotions and feelings with others but also understand that I did that because of my bpd that it’s NOT okay and just because there’s a explanation doesn’t mean it’s an excuse and okay for those bad or horrblie actions .
@@Bleilock1 BPD are not and never victimize ourselves. You see us as that and that's you're problem solving skills showing up right there
@@DemonsofFreaks babe you rock!!!
I think that I have narcissism traits except I do not lack empathy I'm very empathetic but I have the other narcissist traits
@Mary Carroll I'm working on it. Thanks 😊
Lack of empathy isn’t a necessary symptom for diagnosis unlike what people say. It’s just likely for npd to have
Hi; Could You Please Make A Video On Male Borderline/Female Narcissist Relationship? Unfortunately There's Not Much Content On Male Borderline × Female Narcissist Dynamics Which Is Quite A Shame As The Reverse Is Extremely Saturated On The Platform...Anywho; The Demand Is There! Lol.
I’m honestly afraid to out myself on this because of the heavy scrutiny I see towards them in these comments. But I do think I have NPD traits, and my boyfriend has BPD. But I really really want this relationship to work, we have been together for four years now, and although we do have volatile emotional moments, it has never turned physical and we do tend to mend in the end.
It’s just looking at the videos and the comments it’s seems our relationship is doomed to fail and I truly feel devastated.
I know that me saying that I have NPD traits make others see me as a heartless, emotion sucking vamp. But I know I’m not, and I really do care about my baby than anyone else in the world, and I had a loving family that tought me how to care and love, which my boyfriend recognizes and acknowledges that I possibly would have been much colder if I did not raise in a somewhat attentive family.
I really just want one video, or one article, or one comment, to say that there is a chance for us...
Thank you for sharing this
Reading this, are you sure you have NPD? My NPD exes didn't watch videos and dedicate their time to personal growth that would benefit our relationship. I'm just saying.
@@sevenvirtues7329 I have definite signs yes, one thing I am learning about NPD is it has less to do with empathy, and more to do with how the specific person handles the constant need to be complimented and noticed. I try hard to put on perfect performances around people so that I can get those, “OMG you are such a pleasant person!” compliments because I feel like I deserve them, so I work for them. My boyfriend says I can express, “toxic positivity” sometimes by controlling other’s emotions around me by making them happy or making light of a situation so they do not try to affect my happiness, not letting other express what they wanted to feel.
I am quite Grandiose, fearless, and nice, I care a lot about the people who I love, and I can not part with people I love on a whim, I would do anything to help them as well. It is a different story for those who try to harm the people I love though.... I do not think NPD automatically makes someone a “mean” person, but some with NPD try to phish for accolades by comparing and competing, and lash out when they are told other wise (which I am guilty of). My family taught me manners, and since I never wanted to get in trouble I learned the instantly to stay in good graces, and get compliments.
I believe that my boyfriend not being satisfied in the relationship reflects on my image, so I do a lot to give him what I believe an environment where we can grow together and is safe as well. Basically I channel my need to make our relationship look healthy in public by actually trying to be attentive to his worries, problems, and actually have a great relationship instead of a fake one, and he appreciates that.
@@cookieleb.a.p this is an awful lot of self speculation. I wish you growth in your journey.
@@sevenvirtues7329 thank you! I love thinking/talking about myself more than you’d know. (lol) I really do wish you the best as well, and hope that we both reach our mental health (and relationship) goals.
What if a person is both BPD and NPD what are they attracted to?
Possibly other people who have unresolved complex trauma.
@@nateiverson6949
Yes we made a video on this actually.
ruclips.net/video/UVJdeR7jWm8/видео.html
You can't have NPD and BPD in at the same time.
No malignant or covert narcissists aren't particularly grandiose
I'm 99% sure this describes my parents lol.