Living Alone After a Long Marriage: 5 Tips for Surviving a Separation or Divorce
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- Опубликовано: 7 окт 2024
- Going from "we to me" after being married for years (or decades!) is a stressful adjustment. It's hard even if you initiated the separation and believe you're better off apart. How do you live by yourself after being married for years or decades? Here's how I'm adjusting to living alone after 16 years of marriage.
I made this video for a reader who said: "I’m in the exact same situation as you - married to a good man but we needed to separate for space and time apart. I’m living alone for the first time ever and I’m terrified. I work from home ….. so I work all day alone, dinner alone, evening alone, sleep alone and then get up the next day and do it all over again. Weekends are even worse for loneliness.
I’d rather die …… this is no way to live. I have few friends and they’re all busy with their own relationships. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. How to be happy with no one to do things with?"
Midlife Breakups: Recovering & Facing the Future Alone When a Relationship Ends ruclips.net/video/Yo1XlB1Pke8/видео.htmlsi=vI-IUqdariqWnzLe
You all inspired me to make a follow up video. I think it's more helpful :-)
Thank you!
I loved watching this video. I am recently divorced after 38 years of marriage, and now I can look at the divorce as my opportunity to take "the Remote Control" for my life. I re-started my RUclips just to journal my new adventures as a single woman again in my 60s...
Wow! I am going through a separation right now and it's not a good feeling.
@@ginagina3271 Gina, I am so sorry. Give yourself a lot of grace, and time to heal. Every divorce is different, yet the painful process of becoming single again is not enjoyable for most. I have shared more of my divorce journey on my channel, reach out if you need someone to listen. Praying for God's comfort surrounds us. Martha
I am about to take this journey. I’m thankful when I see others who have had the courage to step out on faith to choose peace and happiness even after so many years of being unhappy.
You finally get the remote control. Ha!
@@KatWoodland thanks, yes, I have it and will never give it back to anyone, except Jesus, LOL
It can be incredible living on your own. There is no reason to be lonely with so many things you can do: join working groups, a Church, get involved in volunteering, dog or walking groups, help other people. Realise that other people are on their own - meet up with them. What about your friends or family - put work into them. it can be so blissful and joyful to know that no one is criticizing you, or cheating on you. Make sure you have enough social contact and you will enjoy your time alone.
My Father used to say; Better to be by yourself, than in bad company................
Wise man
Yes, and what is "bad company" to one person is a delightful source of joy and entertainment to another.
I read as many articles as I can from this author's website because she is such a heart-centered, kind, gentle, strong lady who has a love for people. I read today that marriages don't fail, they complete. There's no doubt this woman will attract a soulmate love and have a spiritual connection as she is emanating high frequency vibes. What she also said about personal growth, self-improvement and increasing your knowledge to bring something even greater to the next person and as a gift to yourself is everything to building a rich full life in all domains.
A rich full life alone is wonderful and not just possible but totally worthy. Partnering up again should not be the default. Learning to live singly isn't easy but can be so worth it. This comment suggests that there is another relationship out there waiting to be had. No!! Living a joyful rich purposeful life alone is more than sufficient!!!
I know getting a Divorce is hard I've been down that road 3 times and I'm a Man, it takes times to heal if you let your X move on, if you still feel alone adopt a cat or dog to fill up that space, go out, travel and enjoy your self you only live once.
Oh my goodness, I just found this by chance. Sounds like I’m in good company. I to will soon be alone after 45 years. Oh my, at least I’ll have my cat. But I’m also scared, but your comments were so spot on. You can absolutely be in love with your spouse but also recognize that’s it’s time to separate. For me the fighting and bickering was just to over the top. Wishing you all the best as we embark on this journey 😊
How are you now ? This is exactly my situation and we have split after 16 years together. It's absolutely devastating.
Married for over two decades, i m 44, and i m on the same space as you. That s what It Is. Better be alone by myself rather than feel lonely with AN husband.
You will die alone, childless, and homeless anyway.
yes!
I'm not only alone after 31yrs of marriage but I'm alone because I'm widowed, and I'm disabled with an end stage chronic lung disease. I had an older brother nearby but he was not only caring for an elderly relative at home while separated from his wife but he died in August from complications following a heart surgery. My only (adult) child has problems with addiction so is not just no help but sometimes an additional burden. This is not how I pictured my "golden years."
It can be incredible living on your own. There is no reason to be lonely with so many things you can do: join working groups, a Church, get involved in volunteering, dog or walking groups, help other people. Realise that other people are on their own - meet up with them. What about your friends or family - put work into them. it can be so blissful and joyful to know that no one is criticizing you, or cheating on you. Make sure you have enough social contact and you will enjoy your time alone.
Not how I imagined the Golden years neither! Wished we lived close, the support would be a blessing..
Thank you for sharing your story,I think by now you are much better and adjusted.
I got separated and widowed ten years ago after twenty years of turbulent,toxic and untrustworthy marriage but now I feel much better emotionally and spiritually.
The healing takes time but once grounded, tranquility prevails.
Im sorry. One of the hardest lessons I'm learning about life is that life ends up in places we never imagined.
Going through the same thing after 12 years of marriage and 17 years in a relationship, I'm 36 now so this has been my life my whole adult life really. Trying to dig deep to live alone but some days it's just hard.
Yes. It really is hard sometimes. I still experience waves of grief, nostalgia and guilt. For me, the hardest part is knowing that if I hadn’t left, we’d still be living together. We wouldn’t be happier or healthier as a couple, but at least we wouldn’t be dealing with a separation.
I know from experience that those waves of pain come less often and are less intense as I heal. May you experience the same gradual healing process, and may you grow deeper and more fully into your true, healthy, whole self. 💕
With love,
Laurie
I separated from my husband back in February of this year. I watched your video several times and didn’t think I could ever be without my husband. I did a lot of crying and felt so alone. I didn’t want to be alone. But here I am in September and I survived. I like being alone. At this point in my life I really don’t want to get involved with another man. It may happen someday but just not now. I am enjoying being on my own. Thank you for all the wonderful advice and your pearls of wisdom. ❤❤❤
I’m watching. Going through similar situation. Praying 🙏 for u. It’s the hardest thing after 27 years of marriage.
Currently divorcing after 24 years of marriage, just trying to look ahead even though I’m heartbroken 💔
Good luck its not easy
This is me - but 27 years. I’m hopeful that I will be given the strength when it’s needed. Be encouraged that you can build a life you can enjoy if you are determined and have faith that it is possible. That’s what keeps me going…..
@@ReeMoni24 sending love ❤️
Same here ….26 years. Known him for 30 years.
I joined all kinds of groups and took up new hobbies. Made new friends. Truth is it’s getting tiring four years on. It feels like being single in mid life is constantly looking for something to fill the time.
Yes, I agree - being single midlife is constantly looking for things to fill the time. I live in a 50+ mature living (90% retired) community now, and everyone seems to be in the same boat. Whether we're single, widowed, or even married - we're all just looking for ways to fill the days.
But didn't we used to do this as kids, teens and young adults? Hanging out with friends, looking for things to do. When we were married and raising kids and going to work, we had lots of ways to fill the time. We didn't need to look because things were just given to us to do.
As I age, I think all of life is just looking for ways to fill the time. Not in a depressing way! It's actually quite delightful! Travel, hobbies, meeting new people...and especially exploring our own inner reality. Consciousness, presence, awareness, being inundated with the beauty, peace, love and joy that is constantly reverberating through the universe no matter what the actual situation is.
Life is strange.
Amen.
that was quite a surprise, but sometimes we all have to go through a phase of our lives. It is important to have friends that can see you through
Hi Laurie, you look so happy in your surroundings. I'm so happy for you! I noticed the cute little statue sitting on the floor with a book open, how cute!! Thank you for the lovely video. Stay well. Be happy. Take care. I look forward to each one of your videos each week. Love ya.
I love that "Little Boy Reading/Gazing at the Sky" statue! It's the homeowner's. I should name that little guy. Maybe I'll call him Frederick. Freddy for short :-) 😊 My roommate!
All women need to skill up on living alone because it’s likely you will be alone at some point. The resistance to this is what causes the pain and anxiety Accept and get to develop yourself so you are interesting to others who seek out your company . Just like when married or living with someone, you will have down days - it’s just part of life.
This was deeply helpful for me. Thank you so much for making this video. Your energy is bright and beautiful! I can feel it radiate from here! 🖤🖤✨️ Thank you so much!
Laurie, I hope you are doing well and happy. I keep you in prayers for health, safety and well - being. As you spoke of the body, yes, mine warns me also. I am a sensitive & sentimental person. I feel deeply even when I don't want to. I was like this as a child. My body does warn me of over doing it by means of different ways. Take care. Be safe. Be Happy. Have a glorious day!
Thank you, Gloria! I appreciate your prayers, and am grateful for your loving friendship. I'm sensitive, too. I've always tried not to be sentimental because it hurt so much, but I'm learning how to love wholeheartedly without attaching to pain or suffering. It's an amazing journey, this life. I love every drop!
Hey Laurie. Didn’t know you had a RUclips account. I receive your emails so nice to see you in action.
Thank you! You inspired me to include my latest video in my latest Midlife Blossoms email newsletter :-)
First video of many like this that I will be watching! Thank you for a little hope!
Wishing you the best through this. 🥰
What I’m having difficulty in understanding is why didn’t you take on these new activities while with your husband. There are different stages in life and marriage. It takes time to settle at these different stages and development of your relationship. For example newly married you might be very romantic and excited with your new life but you hit a road block, it can become boring, too comfy and guess what children or maybe pets come along, very exciting, shared interests and then it becomes stressful and very busy as careers and family life grow. Then you get older, a bit more settled and the kids leave home and you are looking at each other saying where is the young exciting person I fell in love with, well they are still there but different. Take time to find them and yourself, new joint interests, new friends, travel, move home, new adventures. It’s before this last stage that it can go so wrong, the restlessness kicks in and conversations don’t happen and maybe it’s easier to go I love you but I don’t want to be with you and maybe you start separate lives, and it can be too late to rekindle what you have just lost. I do speak from experience as my husband did exactly what you have done and I was having none of it and I kept working on our marriage and supported him in his crisis and we started that very old fashion thing called courting. We found ourselves very much still in love and enjoying our life together but with a much deeper respect and love for each other. Sadly he died over a year ago and I would do anything to have our time again, it’s very lonely not having your best friend and love beside you. So, don’t be so quick to separate from your love, time is short.
what did you DO to WORK on your marriage and KEEP him there with you? Did you seek counseling, read books, confide in a friend, or wing it, what exactly did you do to make things work out for you and how long did that take? What did you experience when you were creating ways to keep him with you? Did you get on your knees every day before, after, or ever? Did you go to a religious leader to get help? Your words are inspiring, but there are way too many holes. How can you help someone who wants to accomplish what you did? Curious minds would like to know.
Living with your husband who constantly caused stress and anxiety you became depressed in the form that no one can see even yourself. That explained why you couldn't think outside the box to do things that seem so simple but you coukdn't find the energy to do it because there was nothing joyful to you at the time. People weren't in the shoes of being controled and abused wouldn't understand the tremendous stress . You just have keep going for your kids but dying inside so you keep telling yourself to try one day at a time and burry yourself in the responsibilities of being the mother and wife. An unhappy marriage brought so much to your mental health. Now that I am single and completely free from troubles I am back to working out at the gym that I used to do in my 20s but stopped all of it since I got married for 17 years. I feel better and more productive at work. I connected better with my children because I have no one make me unhappy. I can sleep better and stay on strict diet to loose the weight. I am fit in size 2 clothes and I feel young and confident again. To alot of people, divorce is loosing the troubles and gaining your life back.
Your such a beautiful Soul. I enjoyed you to the very end
You’re awesome !
I want to divorce my 2nd husband so badly.
Pray for me that I get the health I need to leave him.
Thank you for making this video!
I'm sorry you're struggling, Annie. It's so hard! Yes, I'll keep you in my prayers. Give yourself time; it took me two years to finally find the strength and courage to start talking about separation. It wasn't easy and the heartache of leaving a marriage doesn't disappear overnight.
I've been separated for almost 2 years now, and I'm still grieving the loss. It's a big deal to leave your marriage! So, Annie, be gentle, kind and loving with yourself as you move forward.
With love,
Laurie
Thank you Laurie! Thank you for taking the time to write these amazing words to me!!!
You are an angel!
Sending all my love to you too!!!
Annie 💕
Does he know this?
I didn't choose to leave, my husband left and there is no chance of reconciliation. I have been pulling back intimacy because I didn't feel appreciated and also have been going through a lot of depression. He became frustrated more and more and even told me so. I tried but quickly fell back into old habits. I still love him so much but I know it wasn't good for us. Its been two weeks. I am still living at the house but everything is the same except him not being here. I am trying to navigate but I feel so incredibly alone. I hate it. I live in a small town and don't have the money to move elsewhere ( I am only working part time).
Reading this I feel for you so much and understand your pain…..I hope you begin to feel peace soon and able to make plans that make you feel happy
Thank you for this today ❤
Im alone and sad … I don’t know how to get over it… my nights are the worse!
Its harsh. Just breath..... gather your friends close....breath...work on building forward. Breath
Thank you. U have good energy. I appreciate ur tips.
Women's church Bible Studies are available. Great way to get involved and fellowship with others.
I too need a location with no car. Divorced with cancer after 29 years of marriage. I am stuck trying to find a new location. I am type A and so organized but so stuck on where to move to next. Any ideas.
I'm Type A too, and very organized. Also waiting for blood test results to tell me if I have cancer! We have alot in common 😊 If so, maybe you're overthinking things. I'm learning how to stop thinking too much, and just go with what my gut or inner knowing says.
Thinking too much - trying to find the right place or make the right decision - is exhausting! I'm finding it much easier to trust my intuition. I don't mind if it's the "wrong" or "right" decision anymore. That's not even a consideration. It's just "does this feel right to me?" If so, I do it.
💞
My name is Ruth and I’m watching 😅😊. Thanks for sharing!!
A million women are married for 22 years and get divorced . They all have cats and/or dogs and the house left over from the marriage .
I’ve talked to tons of them on dating web sites. The say the same things and claim to want a man but they’re usually so conditioned in every way from x husband that they can’t even see it.
Earthtime3978, you need to get a hobby. Maybe a pet, say a cat or a dog. Seems like you are bitter from a divorce or separation. Why are you commenting? this is for women who are healing. You don't have your real name so I presume you are a man. Go find something maybe a hobby to do rather than read about separated women.
I hope you reach the 'Paradiso' part of The Divine Comedy and enjoy reading it as well. Best wishes!
Will anxiety and depression ever leave? I’m lonely and afraid for the future. I feel like I’ll never experience true happiness. Help!!
weaponx100 Your loneliness will leave, you will heal. Find things you enjoy doing, reading, watching tv, walking in nature, talking with friends. It always helps.
Hang in there. I go to a counselor once a week just to talk. Maybe that would help ? Take care of your health too.
The problem with these videos is the woman always describes her new found hobbies, etc.
Why didn't you do these before you destroyed your man???
These videos are very, very dangerous. Men: watch out. She's bored and unhappy. And it is unlikely she will suggest counselling. Instead, you'll lose absolutely everything.
It's not always the woman's decision, videos like this can be useful also for those who were dumped and didn't want the separation.
My husband and I are separated. I initiated the separation. I still love him but he doesn’t love me. He says he doesn’t hate me. He keeps telling me that he wants me to be happy and that I will find someone else. I am 68 years old and I really don’t want a new relationship. I want him back but I don’t think he wants that. He says he isn’t seeing anyone…but I suspect he is. He was my 3rd husband. I left my first husband because he was an alcoholic and would beat me. My second husband passed away. I met my 3rd husband not long after my husband passed. My present husband was raised by parents who hated each other but loved him. He never saw or heard his parents tell each other that they loved each other. His parents were always arguing and fighting. My husband does not like conflict. He was marred 3 times before we met. And with each marriage there was conflict. I truly believe that my husband is very selfish and never wanted to do any of the things his wives wanted to do. But he doesn’t want to shoulder any of the blame for his marital problems. He blames us for the breakdowns.😢
lydawilliamson3050, You are beautiful and wonderful. There are many stories of seniors getting another partner after divorce. This woman is inspiring. Go out into your community. Find your church and return and volunteer. The world is out there waiting for you. Love yourself. There are people out there ENVIOUS of your life, I know it seems ridiculous, but its so true. Take a whole day and do all of the things you love. It will make a difference.
IF you have a good man at your age why separating. You have issues with yourself you need to sort out inside of you. Nothing else will satisfy you as you have internal struggles.
Yes, you could be right. Too bad I didn’t really this a few years ago.
I'm got back with my first husband from 30 years ago. When this happened I started smoking again as he's a smoker. But after a while I stopped as it was affecting my asthma. However with him refusing to quit U have had to ask him to move out because of my asthma. It's going to happen soon and I'm terrified because I have anxiety and depression and I struggle to control my anxiety when I'm alone. I don't even travel far without someone with me. But I know in time I'll adjust. Although I'm afraid I'm also excited because I can decorate however I like. I can play my music when I want. Also he sleeps until 1pm so at least I can make noise in the morning and get things done.
Laurie, did you take your beautiful dog with you to your new home? ❤ I hope you are doing well. You seem very happy and light in this video!
Thank you! It's definitely not an easy time, but it's important to go through this. About the dogs - no, I couldn't take them. It was too far to go with them in the camper van, and I had no idea where I'd be living.
You don't get a divorce because you are unhappy...smh
Thank you!!!!!🙏🏽
@barkway barkway2
I am soo sorry you are feeling sad and lonely. I hope you can find something in your life that can bring you joy somehow ❤ There are soo many people that are in similar situations as your self. I will pray 🙏🏻 for you to have peace and
happiness in your life 🥰🥰🥰❣️❣️❣️🥰🥰❣️❣️💕💕💕💕🌹
Thanks, Roxanne. You're sweet!
After I caught my wife cheated she wsnted us to seperate that way she can keep her Heath benifits and life insurance ect . I said no divorce it is . I get anxiety every day nausea ect . I was in the hospital for a month and a half 2 hours away ftom home she visited once only cause I told her I wrote last will and testament cause surgery survival was low . My son lives in San Antonio only visited once . I lose her I lose my kids I know divorce is the answer but it’s gonna hurt so bad
It’s great to leave if you have the money to leave and taking 3 children
And kids come first anyway. Sometimes we have to suck it up for them.
A support group wasn't for me. I felt it a whinge fest. If we have good friends vent with them. They know you. I felt when it was over regardless of reasons and though it's awful, it's over and tried to look forward with optimism. Like most things this too will pass and in five years time you'll see it was for the best.
22 years is the average marriage.Ive met these women on dating web sites.
Molded by their husbands, fantasizing about a new relationship that will never come .Always barking mini dogs in the background. They got the marriage house and live at some cozy cove Living alone is now the default.
My advice would be to learn how to love one another again because it really hurts the kids I come from a divorced home. I had to get a divorce due to some drinking issues. He was a dangerous drinker, but we were a great couple when it came to lifting one another, I would never recommend getting a divorce. I would recommend having a blast together and going and dating each other again and learning about each other all over again. Men our age want women much younger, so we are mostly left alone.
I'm staying for the rocking chair!!! ❤🙏😎🇨🇦
My advice is stay single.
I am lovely and alone😊
Sad
So? Where are your cats?😅
He's in the house???? You in apt with no furniture???
I’m curious if you found support groups online?
I haven’t found online support groups because I try to stay off the internet as much as possible (other than writing blog posts, sending my weekly She Blossoms update, and creating videos 😊). I really prefer in-person groups, walks, etc.
When I was struggling with my decision, I found the Should I Stay or Should I Go? Facebook group very helpful. I think the organizer’s name is Kate Anthony. It’s good for post-separation adjustment, too.
I also really like Meetup groups, but finding the right fit can be hard. Just like dating 😊 Gotta go in with a curious, open-minded, adventurous mindset! No expectations is good.
@Heather: please post back if you find any groups online. I've been searching also. Hope all is well for you, it's so hard. God bless 🙌🙏
💜
I don't get it. How in middle age would anyone leave someone who is a good person? Is saying that there are little differences enough of a reason to be alone? Kudos to all of you who waited this long for the kids. I commend you big time on that one. But I'm just curious, what is the driving force behind this type of situation?
How young are you?
@@pennyannvincent8831 Middle aged, young...
Death comes in many forms…Absolutely nothing last forever. You grieve the loss and move on…🧘🏽♀️
I appreciate you sharing your story and your choices, but I reject offering this up as received wisdom for other women and couples. To me, the purpose of life (or marriage) is not happiness but companionship, support, having a person to rely on in good and especially bad times, and in most religions, to serve the purpose of a Higher Power no matter what the name. I hope I’m wrong about this for you, but my own personal experience in talking with divorced women, no amount of yoga and meditation will substitute for the fulfillment of a life partner. All the best to you and others going through anything similar.
Most American women die alone anyway.
And what do lonely old men do? Not die.?? Find something you love. Obviously trolling this woman is not it.
Your comments are very telling 🤔. You appear to be bitter, resentful, and broken John Smith. Find a good therapist and move on. Trust me, when you have healed from your broken heart and found tranquility, you won’t begrudge another soul of finding theirs.🧘🏽♀️
@@soblessed4844 Yes, most American women will die alone and childless.
Nearly 118 million Americans, or about 46% of those over 18 years old, are single, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. But that percent is actually much higher for women-a record-breaking 52% of them are unmarried or separated as of 2021, according to a recent report from Wells Fargo Economics.18 Mar 2023.
Men don't wife those American women because most are holes and trash thanks to Feminism.
@@soblessed4844 Men don't wife those women due to their Hookup culture and Hoeflation.
Pick up a book and go to the library and read. Rex Stout's Nero Wolfe corpus.
Get a hobby.
Exercise, weightlift, lose weight, eat right. Get a rockin' body.
Stop drinking and/or using drugs.
Sing. Go to church.
Or, get divorced and ruin all past, present, and future families for 100s of years.
Or, get divorced and ruin all past, present, and future families for 100s of years.....explain please
@@BPzeropoint
Her grandmother got divorced.
Her mother got divorced.
She got divorced.
Everything these days is being recorded.
You know nothing about your great, great, great grandparents because digital media did not exist.
From now until the earth ends, every generation will know exactly what we were up to.
And it stinks for those who have a long line of divorce in their history. Who would want to marry a young woman who's great grandmother, grandmother, and mother got divorced??? Not me. I wish I looked before I lept.
@@basicprogrammer6147 so interesting. I appreciate your insight on divorce. Can you shed some light on the historical means of healing as an individual if you are not suffering from heartbreak? How does one know they need healing if they are content throughout life? Sometimes divorce is the way in. It depends on the individual, right? What are the historical harms done to those who stay in a marriage because it was arranged by their parents and historic culture? What I am saying here is, there is good and bad in ALL choices, but the reason to experience these things is for ONE reason. The individual must look within and become responsible, intentional, and deliberate in all they think, say, and do in life. So, essentially, when you look into the history of the one you love and find they have a linage of divorces, that is an opportunity to look within and find yourself in all of those individuals, look at thought patterns and processes you don't like and make the change within.
It would be not so hard if you just stay with your husband.
You don't know that.
I’m not married. A RUclips marriage is not a marriage.
Here's a tip; get a decent mic. You sound like you have your head in a bucket of water.
Obviously you have better things to do than tell this wonderful person she sounds like she has her head in a bucket of water. Get a real life, why are you trolling this woman? Go find something to do.