Karen you got me CRYING. This is my life. It is a pain that has haunted and shaped my relationships. The fear of abandonment. Attachment issues that I should have NEVER EVER been left to deal with as a child. I found out the truth by accident at 10. No one knew I knew so imagine living life as a lie. As an adult, i revealed I knew and everyone just carried on like it was nothing. But to me it cause such ruin and a devastating sense of self and questions that I have never gotten answers. My parents have passed on. It took a journey of self and healing to get me here. But as a parent it motivated me to be an involved, open, loving, honest. As a person I seek truth. I hate secrets and lies. Hate the staus quo and want to dismantle systems of oppression.
Everything you said… especially hating secrets and wanting to dismantle systems of oppression! 🙌🏾 #DITTO -recently told my Gma even more straight than usual, just how detrimental our family’s dishonesty, shifting blames/shames and inability to acknowledge wrongs has been on the entire system. She proved my point when I said something about my father and she quickly dismissed the truth & my feelings and defended the behavior. I reminded that she was always my safe place to discuss those matters bc my father (her son isn’t easy), but now she’s pretending otherwise. My family plays hot potato with who/what they’ll choose to support and defend. And it’s usually the wrong thing. Yes, I am the “finger wagging,” don’t come telling me bs thinking I’m taking your side because we’re 1st cousins or you’re my aunt, black sheep! I’m okay with it cause I know it’s not coming from a place of self righteousness; I care about the collective. And if the collective ain’t healthy, I protect the peace of me and my children.
Thanks for this discussion, Prof. Hunter! I'm so happy that Kerry Washington is so emotionally and psychologically mature that she's able to unreservedly share her biological truth! Blessings to her and her journey! I liked listening to you and Dr. Robin Smith discuss this not often shared topic with such tactfulness!! 🙏🏾🖤💯
My sister and I learned a year ago that our father was not her father. All our lives I had felt that someday other children would appear. She came to my house devastated and I held her while she cried as we processed our grief. I made sure she knew I will ALWAYS be her sister and NOTHING would ever change that. I continue to support her as she meets her brother and sisters. And we both continue to process our lives through a new reality.
Professor Hunter, Dr. Smith, thanks for bringing light regarding Kerry Washington and her story. Appreciate Mrs. Washington’s transparency. Congratulations on her success and career.
After watching the video, I listened to this entire segment on the Sirius XM app. While it is not my story, I just had to comment and thank you Karen and Dr. Robin for “having the conversation” as you like to say. This could have been a whole show and I hope both of you consider featuring this topic again on either your show, Karen, or Dr. Robin’s. I just appreciated the opportunity to learn more about this. Not to be a voyeur in someone else’s life, but to learn more about a topic that I wouldn’t have ordinarily thought a lot about. Thank you.
I’m adopted. Known since I was 3. Raised my adopted mother who was an amazing woman. My adopted father died when I was one and she raised me as a single mom. My adopted extended fam has always been wonderful, full of love and care and all the inter generational trauma that African American families share and work thru. Found my biological parents after I turned 50, as I was a product of an interracial one night stand. Meeting my African American father’s side really affirmed who I am and answered some questions about my God given talents and tendencies. I have come to the conclusion that nature and nurture are both important, but if one is not nurtured it’s hard for that nature to blossom. So fortunate that I was. Now I enjoy a great relationship with both my adopted and biological sides. So glad my mother had the wisdom to be honest with me from the start.
This explanation of "blood is thicker than water" blew my mind! 🤯I had it backwards all these years (thought the "blood" was family but never understood what the "water" was). This discussion is so freeing!
Wow, I asked the same question when I was a child was I adopted, even though I looked like my dad. I felt like I did not belong not sure why? What a deep and important conversation! I have many friends in this situation...Ty Dr Hunter and Dr Robin
We adopted our youngest son, 16 years old now. We never kept that from him. We live in a small town and we know someone would tell him if we did not. He knew before he went to school and has a really good relationship with his biological family. Honesty is always the way to go, it makes it normal.
This is very common, I also found out that I have a sister through Ancestry, it turns out my father was not my biological father. I am in my 50’s finding this out is a shocking revelation. I am coping well and living in my new normal.
I found out at age 27 that my mother was not my mother. It was told to me that my birth mother came backbfor me when she got on her feet. I was never given back. Noone who knew (or knows) ever told me who she was. Not even mt father.. At age 68 I have come to terms that I will see her in transition as you and Dr. Carr say. Thank you for all that you do ❤
That absolutely happened in my family. Grandmother grew up w/ mother posing as "aunt". My mother 'gave away' an older brother, (looks like mom & her father), who we didn't discover until after her death. My niece didn't find her father (raped my then 14-yr-old sister), the source of her cancer, until we did 23&me, 6 years ago. My mother, father, sister, (all deceased), knew he this man was, but the other children didn't. I, my brothers & sisters, LOOK LIKE our mother AND my father. I
Love Kerry Washington. Yeah, we have something like that in my own family. I will just say that my aunt is in counseling because of these family secrets. I also discovered that the man that I thought was my great grandfather is not our great grandfather. I just found this out yesterday based on more family secrets.
My BFF is biracial her mom was white and dad was Black. When she was 15 she found out that her father was not the man who was raising her and her sister. He was her sisters father, however, she found out her father "had been in " Gangster Disciples. Her mom was only with him for a few months. So, Deep, this conversation vital, Thank you!
I found out I was adopted in the 5th grade. I recently met my biological parents. The person that was allowed to adopt me was very abusive (physically and mentally). To me, my bloodline is EVERYTHING! Im so grateful to have met my parents and I’m blessed to have my siblings! I feel grounded and I know who I am and where I come from! I know my medical history and so much more! Great convo. I will check the book out!
I always knew I was adopted and had no problem with it. Also knew who my biological parents were and never cared that much for them. I grew to know that one of them did not mean any good to me.
Mine is the other side. I had both parents who were psychologically abusive. I’ve wondered for years and still do, if I was the unwanted pregnancy. My oldest brother is eleven months older than I; I lived an incredibly off and on environment. When I hear, see, or know how much a child is loved and wanted it makes my little self, soul say while growing up: “are you my mother, can I be a part of your family?” 😢
Looking through the lens of 2023 this seems not so "bad". But 45 years ago no one regardless of race was talking about infertility and especially on the part of the man was unheard of.
@13:35 Professor Hunter you made me laugh with the Santa Claus and Tooth Fairy story. I have a question: Should people who use surrogate mothers tell their children about that when they are old enough to understand? I know a woman who was a surrogate mother for 2 babies.
I believe you should share the truth with your children. But surrogacy is not the same, right? It's the mother's egg and the father's sperm, so those ARE your biological parents...just someone else carried you. But it does pose an interesting question. I wonder if there is a bond that hasn't been examined.
Parents in the past held a lot of secrets. Took their ugly secrets to their graves. Today, young ladies tell who their children’s fathers are even if it’s a few. I am not condoning the “baby daddy” drama but at least there’s no secret. He may not be present and supportive but at least his name is known.
I love that Dr. Smith highlighted the shame and insensitivity that is surrounded around the topic of infertility today. So, I can only imagine the level of shame during the time Kerry’s parents were trying to conceive as there was less transparency around it. I’ve seen so much of it concerning the topic of surrogacy as well. Although there are some who go the route for vanity reasons, there are many who choose it due to infertility. It seems often some tend to assume the latter when that choice is made. For them, I always wonder if some of that shame is internalized because they were unable to give birth on their own…I can only imagine the added weight of being a celebrity and people shaming you for it. I do empathize with Kerry’s parents as well. Not excusing them for choosing to maintain this secret…just understanding the fear and difficulty in it. Also, the fact that it’s very public now as well…Im sure it adds another layer of difficulty. I just hope they are all able to continue to maintain a good relationship now that the book is out there in the world.
I don't sense any shame among her parents, but possibly more painful disappointment that they couldn't conceive together. Her purportedly were educated professional they had the critical thinking capacity, financial resources to realize that they had an option on how to bring a child in the world. I understand the secret because many of our people are so damn annoyingly ignorant dumb and superstitious we can't have honest and truthfully conversion without shaming someone or making them the butt end of a joke or ridiculed.
Great Interview, & Question.... I'm the oldest of 5 children, the only one with a different father..... I kinda always knew that my step-father wasn't my real father, mostly because my younger siblings would take pleasure to remind Me. & it didn't help matters that my step-father was Also molesting Me @the same time (from ages 5-10). I used to have this tall man walk down my block everyday (in Bklyn) & if he saw me outside, he would stop & tel Me that "He's my Father".... one day when I was 11yrs old... he did it, I ran in the house & told my Mom...... & 5 minutes later, He, my mom and Myself were standing in My bathroom, & she was confirming that he was, in fact, My Real Father.🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️ Then, he went to prison & I didn't see him again, until I was 21yrs old and a Mother to my 1st of 3 Son's. We All have So Many wounds..... that go So Deep.❤
Now this question is off putting but ain't these situations takes a certain level of logic and personal understanding? Bc the Dr is right the people that raised and nurtured you should be the most important.
It’s been a while since I’ve made a comment on one of your videos. This very common in the black community and in goes back decades. Let’s go down to list: children had by children (15 years old or younger), father and mother never married, arrange marriages, fathers and mothers leaving families and starting new families, street or hustler lifestyles. These behaviors took place from the depression until now. A lot of skeletons in a lot of closets.
Karen, as a black man I will always have your back because you are for the people but let’s be serious. She was not born from a donor. We all know they were not doing that in the 70s
I don't know if I agree that oaths and covenants we choose to make are more powerful than those of the womb or bloodline. I can certainly agree that they are as powerful and can supersede through choice and action. But the good doctor's statement as to what we don't have room for in "our perfected airbrushed illusion of being human"? So profound; I would love for her to expound further.
you don't have to agree with it...these are lived experiences. (but I do believe that even Jesus told his mother to go away from him at one point and that he came to separate son from father, mother from daughter...)
I respect her as an actor but I lost a lot of respect for her when she herself didn't respect the sanctity of another woman's marriage. I'll leave it at that.
@Theinfamouskiki411 His choices and dishonoring his commitment are in fact on him. Your choice to disrespect that relationship and engage with someone who is disrespectful himself IS on you.
Karen you got me CRYING. This is my life. It is a pain that has haunted and shaped my relationships. The fear of abandonment. Attachment issues that I should have NEVER EVER been left to deal with as a child. I found out the truth by accident at 10. No one knew I knew so imagine living life as a lie. As an adult, i revealed I knew and everyone just carried on like it was nothing. But to me it cause such ruin and a devastating sense of self and questions that I have never gotten answers. My parents have passed on. It took a journey of self and healing to get me here. But as a parent it motivated me to be an involved, open, loving, honest. As a person I seek truth. I hate secrets and lies. Hate the staus quo and want to dismantle systems of oppression.
Everything you said… especially hating secrets and wanting to dismantle systems of oppression! 🙌🏾 #DITTO -recently told my Gma even more straight than usual, just how detrimental our family’s dishonesty, shifting blames/shames and inability to acknowledge wrongs has been on the entire system. She proved my point when I said something about my father and she quickly dismissed the truth & my feelings and defended the behavior. I reminded that she was always my safe place to discuss those matters bc my father (her son isn’t easy), but now she’s pretending otherwise. My family plays hot potato with who/what they’ll choose to support and defend. And it’s usually the wrong thing. Yes, I am the “finger wagging,” don’t come telling me bs thinking I’m taking your side because we’re 1st cousins or you’re my aunt, black sheep! I’m okay with it cause I know it’s not coming from a place of self righteousness; I care about the collective. And if the collective ain’t healthy, I protect the peace of me and my children.
Thanks for this discussion, Prof. Hunter!
I'm so happy that Kerry Washington is so emotionally and psychologically mature that she's able to unreservedly share her biological truth!
Blessings to her and her journey!
I liked listening to you and Dr. Robin Smith discuss this not often shared topic with such tactfulness!!
🙏🏾🖤💯
My sister and I learned a year ago that our father was not her father. All our lives I had felt that someday other children would appear. She came to my house devastated and I held her while she cried as we processed our grief. I made sure she knew I will ALWAYS be her sister and NOTHING would ever change that. I continue to support her as she meets her brother and sisters. And we both continue to process our lives through a new reality.
Professor Hunter, Dr. Smith, thanks for bringing light regarding Kerry Washington and her story. Appreciate Mrs. Washington’s transparency. Congratulations on her success and career.
After watching the video, I listened to this entire segment on the Sirius XM app. While it is not my story, I just had to comment and thank you Karen and Dr. Robin for “having the conversation” as you like to say. This could have been a whole show and I hope both of you consider featuring this topic again on either your show, Karen, or Dr. Robin’s. I just appreciated the opportunity to learn more about this. Not to be a voyeur in someone else’s life, but to learn more about a topic that I wouldn’t have ordinarily thought a lot about. Thank you.
Ase!
As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I appreciate this discussion.
I’m adopted. Known since I was 3. Raised my adopted mother who was an amazing woman. My adopted father died when I was one and she raised me as a single mom. My adopted extended fam has always been wonderful, full of love and care and all the inter generational trauma that African American families share and work thru. Found my biological parents after I turned 50, as I was a product of an interracial one night stand. Meeting my African American father’s side really affirmed who I am and answered some questions about my God given talents and tendencies. I have come to the conclusion that nature and nurture are both important, but if one is not nurtured it’s hard for that nature to blossom. So fortunate that I was. Now I enjoy a great relationship with both my adopted and biological sides. So glad my mother had the wisdom to be honest with me from the start.
This explanation of "blood is thicker than water" blew my mind! 🤯I had it backwards all these years (thought the "blood" was family but never understood what the "water" was). This discussion is so freeing!
Wow, I asked the same question when I was a child was I adopted, even though I looked like my dad. I felt like I did not belong not sure why? What a deep and important conversation! I have many friends in this situation...Ty Dr Hunter and Dr Robin
We adopted our youngest son, 16 years old now. We never kept that from him. We live in a small town and we know someone would tell him if we did not. He knew before he went to school and has a really good relationship with his biological family. Honesty is always the way to go, it makes it normal.
This is very common, I also found out that I have a sister through Ancestry, it turns out my father was not my biological father. I am in my 50’s finding this out is a shocking revelation. I am coping well and living in my new normal.
I found out at age 27 that my mother was not my mother. It was told to me that my birth mother came backbfor me when she got on her feet. I was never given back. Noone who knew (or knows) ever told me who she was. Not even mt father.. At age 68 I have come to terms that I will see her in transition as you and Dr. Carr say. Thank you for all that you do ❤
That absolutely happened in my family. Grandmother grew up w/ mother posing as "aunt". My mother 'gave away' an older brother, (looks like mom & her father), who we didn't discover until after her death. My niece didn't find her father (raped my then 14-yr-old sister), the source of her cancer, until we did 23&me, 6 years ago. My mother, father, sister, (all deceased), knew he this man was, but the other children didn't. I, my brothers & sisters, LOOK LIKE our mother AND my father. I
Honey I was almost in the same situation. It's the lies for me that were totally unnecessary.
Love Kerry Washington. Yeah, we have something like that in my own family. I will just say that my aunt is in counseling because of these family secrets. I also discovered that the man that I thought was my great grandfather is not our great grandfather. I just found this out yesterday based on more family secrets.
This I have deeply considered the levels of pain involved. Thanks for this vibe❤
My BFF is biracial her mom was white and dad was Black. When she was 15 she found out that her father was not the man who was raising her and her sister. He was her sisters father, however, she found out her father "had been in " Gangster Disciples. Her mom was only with him for a few months. So, Deep, this conversation vital, Thank you!
As Eddie Murphy said, MIND YO BUSINESS, PAY YO TAXES AND KEEP WILL SMITH’S WIFE’S NAME OUT YO MF’N MOUF! 🤣
😂😂😂😂
I found out I was adopted in the 5th grade. I recently met my biological parents. The person that was allowed to adopt me was very abusive (physically and mentally). To me, my bloodline is EVERYTHING! Im so grateful to have met my parents and I’m blessed to have my siblings! I feel grounded and I know who I am and where I come from! I know my medical history and so much more! Great convo. I will check the book out!
I identify as an only child with siblings. I lived ɓetween homes, never quite fitting in the family structure.
I always knew I was adopted and had no problem with it. Also knew who my biological parents were and never cared that much for them. I grew to know that one of them did not mean any good to me.
What's sad about Kirk Frankyln is that his mother is continuing to lie to him.
Mine is the other side. I had both parents who were psychologically abusive. I’ve wondered for years and still do, if I was the unwanted pregnancy. My oldest brother is eleven months older than I; I lived an incredibly off and on environment. When I hear, see, or know how much a child is loved and wanted it makes my little self, soul say while growing up: “are you my mother, can I be a part of your family?” 😢
I was hoping that ancestry testing would find a secret child out there that might explain my father’s behavior. Nothing so far. Damm.
LOL!
Looking through the lens of 2023 this seems not so "bad". But 45 years ago no one regardless of race was talking about infertility and especially on the part of the man was unheard of.
@13:35 Professor Hunter you made me laugh with the Santa Claus and Tooth Fairy story.
I have a question: Should people who use surrogate mothers tell their children about that when they are old enough to understand? I know a woman who was a surrogate mother for 2 babies.
I believe you should share the truth with your children. But surrogacy is not the same, right? It's the mother's egg and the father's sperm, so those ARE your biological parents...just someone else carried you. But it does pose an interesting question. I wonder if there is a bond that hasn't been examined.
Thank you.
Parents in the past held a lot of secrets. Took their ugly secrets to their graves. Today, young ladies tell who their children’s fathers are even if it’s a few. I am not condoning the “baby daddy” drama but at least there’s no secret. He may not be present and supportive but at least his name is known.
I love that Dr. Smith highlighted the shame and insensitivity that is surrounded around the topic of infertility today. So, I can only imagine the level of shame during the time Kerry’s parents were trying to conceive as there was less transparency around it. I’ve seen so much of it concerning the topic of surrogacy as well. Although there are some who go the route for vanity reasons, there are many who choose it due to infertility. It seems often some tend to assume the latter when that choice is made. For them, I always wonder if some of that shame is internalized because they were unable to give birth on their own…I can only imagine the added weight of being a celebrity and people shaming you for it.
I do empathize with Kerry’s parents as well. Not excusing them for choosing to maintain this secret…just understanding the fear and difficulty in it. Also, the fact that it’s very public now as well…Im sure it adds another layer of difficulty. I just hope they are all able to continue to maintain a good relationship now that the book is out there in the world.
I don't sense any shame among her parents, but possibly more painful disappointment that they couldn't conceive together. Her purportedly were educated professional they had the critical thinking capacity, financial resources to realize that they had an option on how to bring a child in the world. I understand the secret because many of our people are so damn annoyingly ignorant dumb and superstitious we can't have honest and truthfully conversion without shaming someone or making them the butt end of a joke or ridiculed.
Great Interview, & Question.... I'm the oldest of 5 children, the only one with a different father..... I kinda always knew that my step-father wasn't my real father, mostly because my younger siblings would take pleasure to remind Me. & it didn't help matters that my step-father was Also molesting Me @the same time (from ages 5-10). I used to have this tall man walk down my block everyday (in Bklyn) & if he saw me outside, he would stop & tel Me that "He's my Father".... one day when I was 11yrs old... he did it, I ran in the house & told my Mom...... & 5 minutes later, He, my mom and Myself were standing in My bathroom, & she was confirming that he was, in fact, My Real Father.🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️ Then, he went to prison & I didn't see him again, until I was 21yrs old and a Mother to my 1st of 3 Son's. We All have So Many wounds..... that go So Deep.❤
Thank you so much for sharing this...you are a warrior!
@@KarenHunterShow 😊.. TY ❣️ & You, are a COMPLETE DOPE SOUL ❤️🖤💚 Thanks for All that You do. & Challenge "Us" to do.❣️
It says the first child in US born from IVF was in 1981? Kerry Washington was born in 1977….something not adding up🤷🏽♀️
artificial insemination, not IVF...
Damn Kerry Washington and all celebrities
Now this question is off putting but ain't these situations takes a certain level of logic and personal understanding? Bc the Dr is right the people that raised and nurtured you should be the most important.
It’s been a while since I’ve made a comment on one of your videos. This very common in the black community and in goes back decades. Let’s go down to list: children had by children (15 years old or younger), father and mother never married, arrange marriages, fathers and mothers leaving families and starting new families, street or hustler lifestyles. These behaviors took place from the depression until now. A lot of skeletons in a lot of closets.
Karen, as a black man I will always have your back because you are for the people but let’s be serious. She was not born from a donor. We all know they were not doing that in the 70s
they didn't have sperm donors in the 1970s?
I don't know if I agree that oaths and covenants we choose to make are more powerful than those of the womb or bloodline. I can certainly agree that they are as powerful and can supersede through choice and action. But the good doctor's statement as to what we don't have room for in "our perfected airbrushed illusion of being human"? So profound; I would love for her to expound further.
you don't have to agree with it...these are lived experiences. (but I do believe that even Jesus told his mother to go away from him at one point and that he came to separate son from father, mother from daughter...)
I respect her as an actor but I lost a lot of respect for her when she herself didn't respect the sanctity of another woman's marriage. I'll leave it at that.
I dunno what happened but if I'm single and the man isn't the. That's on him.
@Theinfamouskiki411 His choices and dishonoring his commitment are in fact on him. Your choice to disrespect that relationship and engage with someone who is disrespectful himself IS on you.
It's not shocking it is none of our concern. Hey dad can I tell the world you are not my biological father to sell a book