My feedback, when dealing with an addict who is relapsing, they exhibit narcissistic behavior. Apologizing first tends to feed their control side and the addict side with not accepting blame. It is hard to maintain boundaries, and having been with an addict I learned a lot. Your videos helped me to understand that the person I love is no longer there and they can't feel empathy while in addiction. No matter what the addiction is.
I’ve been contemplating this! The person I’m watching these videos for thinks they might have npd… but *I* have only witnessed them consistently demonstrating narcissistic behavior when they are actively struggling with addiction. It’s truly wild (and validating) that the emotional/connecting/empathetic part of the brain shuts down during active addiction…
So what you're saying is , they get to be abusive full grown toddlers, and they never have to be accountable. I'm done with him abusing me and using alcohol as an excuse. I'm just done
This is my biggest battle. I feel like I’m screaming inside to be heard. I’m falling in to all the worst ways of handling it. It’s so hard when we’re breaking and they seem to not care
I felt like this.I realised I was isolating myself and he can not give me help with my feelings.He can barely understand his own! Finding others to talk to has really helped me.
Oh hello my life to, I've had no choice but to cut. Think there is alot of hurt, on both parts. But he seems to think I've cut because I don't care. Or understand. He doesn't see I've had no choice. Instead he's telling me hes not what I'm looking for 😂 I know that's not true. I know we had a pretty good friendship and bond. It's just the addiction. It's easier to be mad at me and push me away then he can't let me down. He can do his recovery on his own and sometimes that's the only way I've realised. No matter how hard I want to help. It's up to him and Il be waiting at the finish line :)
I tried "laying my sword down first"....I admitted I had been self-righteous and had not shown him much empathy. What it got me, was a few days later, he threw it in my face- "you're self-righteous and so not to be trusted'- along with a few other choice comments about how horrible and un-compassionate a person I am. Never again will I give him ammo like that.
Im so heartbroken because I had to ask a loved one to leave. I don't know where they are and im terrified of what might happen. Im trying to be strong but im breaking and i can't see how to go on and live without any contact or knowledge that they are okay. They are very alone. My health was beginning to suffer and I just couldn't anymore but im just dieing inside.
What I have learned after watching several of Amber's videos is that you should bite your tongue and not give into the impulse to say the first thing that pops into your head because that comment might be far too negative to be effective. Pause for three or four seconds and think about rewording your comment so that it sounds more empathetic and kind. You have to be careful to say things that will have good results in the long run.
I usually ask in a loving and respectful way how many drinks have you had? And then I hug them. They always answer truthfully, because their defenses have dropped from the way I have previously treated them with love and respect despite their flaws.
What if they admit it, but insist “now it’s under control” and simply opt to ghost the entire family and only hang out with new people who don’t know about the problem.
I would love to see some real remorse from him, and an occasional genuine apology. I don't ever ask if he's used (I already know) I just talk to him as if he's already admitted it. He's usually pretty honest about his use when I do that.
Excellent Advice. My 21 year old daughter recently relapsed after 120 days sober, and it wreaks havoc on her diabetes. She doesn't manage it when she's using. Went into DKA coma yesterday and was near dead. It's so hard for me to not want to control it, but she hates when I do. I feel so helpless
That defintiely adds in another really scarry layer into the mix. One of our family counselors (Campbell) had the same issue with her son. It's like dealing with a double threat!
Your Videos in RUclips is the help and answer that I need!!! what you describe in almost all of them is what I’ve been leaving with my husband and I drive my self crazy, I’m the bad guy , I don’t understand nothing of this, I have 5 years back and Ford and I still love him but I’m in the point that I want to leave him and I been depressed for that 😭
I'm at the end of my rope with my boyfriend. He's deep in denial and even if he can admit he's addicted he doesn't care and he says his addiction has no negative consequences on his life or other people. Even when I tell him he makes me miserable and if I tell him his addiction affects my life negatively he just doesn't care. I want to scream and I want to hurt him so bad
Hi Anne, I think maybe a different approach might work better. The more you come directly at him with the negative, the more he’s going to deny. Positive reinforcement might work better?
Leave, before he becomes your husband. If they don’t want help on their OWN they will never do it. Nothing is their fault, they blame everyone else etc. They believe you’re the constant enemy
@@empanadascamotes4674 I totally agree that you should break off the relationship before he talks you into getting any closer to him. You need to drop him like a hot potato. He has to want to improve himself for his own reasons.
My person readily admits how awful things are and how miserable he is. Tells me about all of these health problems, injuries from falling over, etc., and at first never connects them to the drink. But it doesn't take much for him to admit he's drinking right now... Because he's never not intoxicated. Can't remember from one minute to the next, much less one day to the next all the things he's said, so he will turn around and say he hardly has a problem and just needs some sleep and time and he will get himself on the right track by tomorrow morning. He's turning into a recluse, and he will basically say anything to "avoid being incarcerated" meaning having to go to a detox again like for the 50th time even though part of him knows he can't start his recovery on his own anymore. On his 5th binge in less than 4 months, retired but not exactly retirement age. Moved to be close to family, but he's too ashamed to see us, but not too ashamed to call us hammered all the time with the exact same conversation everyday.
Mine admits to being an alcoholic but also says he will never quit. At this point I just wish he would stop being nasty and blaming everyone for his problems in life except himself.
Yes they work...but it's not easy. I have to shut my needs and emotions off before I engage with him and just play a role. Sometimes I'm surprised that he doesn't detect that I'm not behaving naturally...and maybe he does but he so appreciates having a safe person to talk to so he doesn't question it. 😊
I would do this. It’s all brilliant and you are right. Only thing would be cheating. If he did that, game over. My boyfriend is going to rehab tonight again. He isn’t a cheater thank God but it’s still scary.
These tips are good for all types of behaviors. In Eastern cultures, there is a concept called saving face. And in Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People, there is a concept called never criticize.
Hi Rachel, We are in Greenville SC. We do have virtual recovery coaching for individuals and families who don't live locally. Here's a link to learn more: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/consultations
I found u thru a FB video shared by Nicole. An im so glad I found u. I am lost my boyfriend of 14yrs started using meth 4yrs ago. An b4 that I used to say how lucky I was to have such a good man n dad to my girls. That guy isn't around anymore now it a mean evil asshole that steals from his family n I dunno how to get that great man back. I have tried everyway I can think of to try to help him. I'm hoping by watching these videos I can find new ways an try cuz I don't wanna let go cuz once I let go I'm done 4 good an I don't want that 2 happen.
I was shocked that my girlfriend did all this when relapsing on Nicotine, breaking promises, lying, disappearing, responding in rage, and breaking boundaries. It would be nice if you would address the self destructive effects of Nicotine and how it causes brain imbalance which causes addictive behavior.
Hey Amber! I adore your videos. I have also bought and done the "Invisible Intervention" course - it got ME out of the way and into way more freedom. Now I see that there are moments when my loved one wants to get out of addiction - what do I do now? Is there a course to book or can I take lessons with one of your councellors?
Sounds like you're seeing good progress,Sophie. Well done 🤩 Typically, you want to wait for the right moment (a moment when change talk is happening), and get them to agree to take some sort of step. (ie; maybe you could get them to agree to receive my 30-Day Jump start messages. They're free and it might help his motivation. Or, you could ask him if he thinks getting some tips from a specialists might help.
The addict in my life is in treatment now. (4 days - woohoo!) but the most helpful thing I learned from Amber was to just assume they were using. So no looking through stuff. No wondering who they were texting or calling. None of that. It is in their backyard. Not mine. My backyard was to say "No you can't stay here because I don't feel safe" and leave it at that. Or sometimes I let her stay but "No you may not use my car." Why not? "It doesn't feel safe." No much to argue with because if I assume they are using then they can't use my car, they can't have any money, etc. It stopped a lot of the "crazy train" stuff in my head.
Mine didnt acknowledge cheating until caught him. He never apologized he said he was in love with both of us. He also had asked me to Marry him while cheating and because I suspicions he might b I didnt say yes or no. The he threw that up to me. How was he going to marry me saying he also loved someone else??,
I have looked and alooked around and all this soft love won’t help anyone. I think we should treat ADDICTS with tough love and then once they are sober for a while, we should heap love and kindness and therapy and any kind of help on them. But not on active addicts. Studies on involubtary rehab show it to be equally effective as voluntary.
He will pick something I've been unhappy about as well as finding another woman and try and fix that issue. So he gets way too over excited over sex and prioritises sex over everything. He will push anything aside for sex, including his daughter. So he will say 'yes your right, I do do that. I know if I just wait, I will get sex that night' but you bring up the woman he's just slept with and he shuts down again and says 'no, there is no woman, I'm happy to work on the behaviour and wait for sex instead of demanding for it right there and then but there is no other woman!'. Its so frustrating!!
Because I know that the waiting for sex is just for me and he will still be demanding sex from the other woman and getting angry at her when she says no. Eventually he goes back to demanding me for sex and gets angry at me if I say no. The behaviour change never lasts
Amber have you dealt with clients that have been diagnosed with anti social personality disorder in your practice. My son does not know how not to lie.
Hi Karen, I've been working with addiction for a long time, and I've rarely ran into people that are truely Antisocial Personality Disorder. (although there have been a few!). However, people in active addiction often engage in very antisocial behavior (like pathologically lying)
Can you make a video on ways you could facilitate an addict spending time with yalls child in a way that doesn't physically or emotionally harm the child or you? Personally I'm talking about an infant, and also we are not together. I know a lot of people are in this situation. It's KILLING me inside for her not to know him, but I feel like I tried everything. There has to be a way for her to see him and know who he is if someday he recovers, he'd be a great daddy to her 😭 But I'm at a loss. Please make a video for those in our situation!
I left my boyfriend a week ago now. 18 yrs on and off due to his drug use that he always hid from me aswell as abuse. I know he does love me and i do love him. We we eachother first loves aswell . But its to the point where he has no friends and his family doesnt want to deal with him. He blames me for everything. I feel guilty for leaving as i am all he has but he does nothing but drain me and take me for granted. Hes great on his good days but mostly its living hell. He doesnt even have a drivers license. He picks fights and makes me leave but then I run right back. Weve been no contact for a week now and i know deep down he really didnt want me to leave cause he got enraged once i packed my stuff all while wanting me to leave.. Any advice?? Please i sure could use some.
Hi Michelle, Sometimes you have to draw a boundary. You're not helping him or yourself if you don't. Here a video about that topic that might be helpful: ruclips.net/video/RQLB1RQfEFY/видео.html
Whatever you do, don't go back to him! It'll be hard for a while, but you will begin to feel a sense of relief once the pain subsides. You'll be so much happier.
Thank you Amber..you are amazing. I used this method..please let me know Amber if I did ok.. I went with their headspace..I told it like it is..I constantly reinforced..it's in the refusal and kept repeating almost like a robot.."one needs to admit accept and commit..it's in the refusal"..using non-judgemental approach..also explaining what the false-positive of ego-self is. After 3 1/2 years..by George I think he has got it. What are your thoughts Amber? Was this approach-method helpful and useful? I also reinforced.."no shame..no blame..no judgement." (Dry..no self-help).
I feel like him sleeping for 15+ hours a day is a good sign. I don't get any of this. I'm just sick and tired. He'd rather spend every last penny on drugs and alcohol then get me a Christmas present :/ and he lost his job so I'm guessing my stuff is going to start getting stolen soon. I was so close to not unlocking the door for him even though it is Christmas. Every day sucks with him. My birthday was ruined by his drinking too and sometimes I don't even want to look at him. He sent a big glittery heart to his addicted ex and says he's not cheating. I've asked him to leave. I'm scared to call the cops because he has a warrant and I think that'll mean that I'll get in trouble for harboring a fugitive, probably have cps called, maybe get jail time and never get benefits for section 8 again. I hate this. He thinks he'll save up for a lawyer if he can ever keep a job. How do I get him to see it? Record him falling asleep and falling out of the chair onto the ground? He doesn't even remember that he has been awake today and opening presents. I'm hoping to finish this video while watching my baby.
The police won't charge you if you make a confidential call to them that maybe your boyfriend has an outstanding warrant. They'll ask you for more information and then some help in taking him into custody.(What, where, who and why questions)
He won't admit anything no matter what. I've had to walk away because of it because he's a sex addict and I don't need to be playing 'guess the std' because he can't take responsibility for his actions. He's still acting out, currently sleeping with at least 1 that I know of, in a 12 step programme, lying to everyone and pretending he's sober. Its heartbreaking but I don't need this fear in my life.
I just found out a friend the love of her life is addicted to drugs and he has congestive heart failure what can She do to help him he wanted to move over to the state she is in but She is Concern on how to help
@@bsafistication no its him. He has extremely high rate of narcissism. He's been sober 2 months now, came home and attempted to rape me. Then denied it and went on a rage and gaslighting session. Addicts have a higher rate of narcissism. He is a horrible person. If your spouse is an addict. Run. They are miserable disgusting Animals.
I think it’s time for me to speak directly w you or Campbell, as a parent to an adult addict. How can I make am appointment and get some advice? Thank you in advance,
My husband runs away from home every other month and he never admits it's because of drugs. He says it's because he hates me he's been gone for 6 days hasn't went to work
In my case with my daughter very little communication,only calls me when she needs me , how do I communicate doesn’t admitted ,she gets upset very easy and ask me not to call or see her anymore . How do I get closer ? Thank you for your knowledge 🕊🙏🫶
🤯To watch demonstrate these skills In a REAL COUNSELING SESSION: 👉www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/motivational-interviewing-session
You're awesome! I finally decided to learn something after 20 odd years of codependency. Why do I like addicts so much!? What a bother.
My feedback, when dealing with an addict who is relapsing, they exhibit narcissistic behavior. Apologizing first tends to feed their control side and the addict side with not accepting blame. It is hard to maintain boundaries, and having been with an addict I learned a lot. Your videos helped me to understand that the person I love is no longer there and they can't feel empathy while in addiction. No matter what the addiction is.
I’ve been contemplating this! The person I’m watching these videos for thinks they might have npd… but *I* have only witnessed them consistently demonstrating narcissistic behavior when they are actively struggling with addiction. It’s truly wild (and validating) that the emotional/connecting/empathetic part of the brain shuts down during active addiction…
@@iridescent.fluorescenceyes going through this as well. It's like a cycle
There is so much overlap!!
So what you're saying is , they get to be abusive full grown toddlers, and they never have to be accountable.
I'm done with him abusing me and using alcohol as an excuse.
I'm just done
This is my biggest battle. I feel like I’m screaming inside to be heard. I’m falling in to all the worst ways of handling it.
It’s so hard when we’re breaking and they seem to not care
It sure is...😥
I felt like this.I realised I was isolating myself and he can not give me help with my feelings.He can barely understand his own! Finding others to talk to has really helped me.
This has been my life.
Couldn’t have said this better
Oh hello my life to, I've had no choice but to cut. Think there is alot of hurt, on both parts. But he seems to think I've cut because I don't care. Or understand. He doesn't see I've had no choice. Instead he's telling me hes not what I'm looking for 😂 I know that's not true. I know we had a pretty good friendship and bond. It's just the addiction. It's easier to be mad at me and push me away then he can't let me down. He can do his recovery on his own and sometimes that's the only way I've realised. No matter how hard I want to help. It's up to him and Il be waiting at the finish line :)
Living with an alcoholic is the hardest thing I have ever done. I love her so much, but I will say, living with it never makes me want to drink again.
I’m dating an alcoholic and I have to drink every night to stay on his level. It’s literally killing me.
Yep the reason why I feel like I want to vomit everytime I see alcohol.
I tried "laying my sword down first"....I admitted I had been self-righteous and had not shown him much empathy. What it got me, was a few days later, he threw it in my face- "you're self-righteous and so not to be trusted'- along with a few other choice comments about how horrible and un-compassionate a person I am. Never again will I give him ammo like that.
It just feels they get away with how badly they treat us and they don’t even care
Im so heartbroken because I had to ask a loved one to leave. I don't know where they are and im terrified of what might happen. Im trying to be strong but im breaking and i can't see how to go on and live without any contact or knowledge that they are okay. They are very alone. My health was beginning to suffer and I just couldn't anymore but im just dieing inside.
I don’t even say I know it anymore because it’s pointless.
What I have learned after watching several of Amber's videos is that you should bite your tongue and not give into the impulse to say the first thing that pops into your head because that comment might be far too negative to be effective. Pause for three or four seconds and think about rewording your comment so that it sounds more empathetic and kind.
You have to be careful to say things that will have good results in the long run.
That's a perfect summary, Gwin! It's all about strategy 🤩
I usually ask in a loving and respectful way how many drinks have you had? And then I hug them. They always answer truthfully, because their defenses have dropped from the way I have previously treated them with love and respect despite their flaws.
What if they admit it, but insist “now it’s under control” and simply opt to ghost the entire family and only hang out with new people who don’t know about the problem.
They might be in denial about the severity of the problem Or the harmful impact on their life and loved ones.
I would love to see some real remorse from him, and an occasional genuine apology.
I don't ever ask if he's used (I already know) I just talk to him as if he's already admitted it. He's usually pretty honest about his use when I do that.
"Talking with them as if they've already admitted it!" That's perfect, jennifblair
I quit asking an tell him cuz I know. He still denies it.
Me too. Mine treats me like crap, then blames me for being mean to him
Omg ...I so needed this right now
Perfect!
So glad I found you . He recently lapse and I felt physically sick .
Hi Melissa. I'm so glad you're finding our videos helpful!
Hi Melissa. You are not alone.
Same thing happened and I’m back here
My sister used to say she could not help it and I don’t think she could.
Excellent Advice. My 21 year old daughter recently relapsed after 120 days sober, and it wreaks havoc on her diabetes. She doesn't manage it when she's using. Went into DKA coma yesterday and was near dead. It's so hard for me to not want to control it, but she hates when I do. I feel so helpless
That defintiely adds in another really scarry layer into the mix. One of our family counselors (Campbell) had the same issue with her son. It's like dealing with a double threat!
My sister is type1 diabetic too and addicted to cocaine and is an uncontrolled diabetic because of it. It's torture to see.
I recently found out my mom is using drugs and when I told her it affects me too her response was “how does it affect you?” Ouch
One of the things people with addictions tell themselves, is that it doesn't hurt anyone else. But that's absolutely not the case!
I gave up. Left her. Couldn't stay on the merry-go-round any more, was starting to get too dizzy.
Your Videos in RUclips is the help and answer that I need!!! what you describe in almost all of them is what I’ve been leaving with my husband and I drive my self crazy, I’m the bad guy , I don’t understand nothing of this, I have 5 years back and Ford and I still love him but I’m in the point that I want to leave him and I been depressed for that 😭
Hi Beth, I'm so glad the videos are helping you!
I'm at the end of my rope with my boyfriend. He's deep in denial and even if he can admit he's addicted he doesn't care and he says his addiction has no negative consequences on his life or other people. Even when I tell him he makes me miserable and if I tell him his addiction affects my life negatively he just doesn't care. I want to scream and I want to hurt him so bad
Hi Anne, I think maybe a different approach might work better. The more you come directly at him with the negative, the more he’s going to deny. Positive reinforcement might work better?
Leave, before he becomes your husband. If they don’t want help on their OWN they will never do it. Nothing is their fault, they blame everyone else etc. They believe you’re the constant enemy
@@empanadascamotes4674 I totally agree that you should break off the relationship before he talks you into getting any closer to him. You need to drop him like a hot potato. He has to want to improve himself for his own reasons.
never give an addict an ultimatum!
It certainly won't go well!
Mine says he doesn’t work well with lines in the sand. Also says drinking is part of his personality and wont quit.
What does ‘drinking is part of his personality’ mean?
My person readily admits how awful things are and how miserable he is. Tells me about all of these health problems, injuries from falling over, etc., and at first never connects them to the drink. But it doesn't take much for him to admit he's drinking right now... Because he's never not intoxicated. Can't remember from one minute to the next, much less one day to the next all the things he's said, so he will turn around and say he hardly has a problem and just needs some sleep and time and he will get himself on the right track by tomorrow morning. He's turning into a recluse, and he will basically say anything to "avoid being incarcerated" meaning having to go to a detox again like for the 50th time even though part of him knows he can't start his recovery on his own anymore. On his 5th binge in less than 4 months, retired but not exactly retirement age. Moved to be close to family, but he's too ashamed to see us, but not too ashamed to call us hammered all the time with the exact same conversation everyday.
Shouldn’t there be consequences? Just because he is clean now....what about the damage?emotionally and financially?
The consequences naturally occur.
Amen!!!!
For #1 I think of it this way: I am not their enemy nor their cop, so I don’t need to get them to admit things to me.
Well said, Brenda!
I always take responsibility and am honest .
That's a lot more than most can say!
Mine admits to being an alcoholic but also says he will never quit. At this point I just wish he would stop being nasty and blaming everyone for his problems in life except himself.
He doesn’t think he caused any harm because he kept bringing home the bacon!
I work with people like that all the time!
Yes they work...but it's not easy. I have to shut my needs and emotions off before I engage with him and just play a role. Sometimes I'm surprised that he doesn't detect that I'm not behaving naturally...and maybe he does but he so appreciates having a safe person to talk to so he doesn't question it. 😊
I would do this. It’s all brilliant and you are right. Only thing would be cheating. If he did that, game over. My boyfriend is going to rehab tonight again. He isn’t a cheater thank God but it’s still scary.
You are the Best!
No, you're the best! 😀😉
These tips are good for all types of behaviors. In Eastern cultures, there is a concept called saving face. And in Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People, there is a concept called never criticize.
You're so right Wendy. Plus I haven't thought about that book in a long time. It's a classic. I've read it several times!
These methods make perfect sense to me. I absolutely love them. Where are you located? I would love to send my addict to you.
Hi Rachel, We are in Greenville SC. We do have virtual recovery coaching for individuals and families who don't live locally. Here's a link to learn more: www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/consultations
I found u thru a FB video shared by Nicole. An im so glad I found u. I am lost my boyfriend of 14yrs started using meth 4yrs ago. An b4 that I used to say how lucky I was to have such a good man n dad to my girls. That guy isn't around anymore now it a mean evil asshole that steals from his family n I dunno how to get that great man back. I have tried everyway I can think of to try to help him. I'm hoping by watching these videos I can find new ways an try cuz I don't wanna let go cuz once I let go I'm done 4 good an I don't want that 2 happen.
Hi Ashley, Welcome to Put The Shovel Down. We're so glad you're here. I think you'll find lots of resources for dealing with an addicted loved one.
Let him go, girl. Not worth it. They’ve wasted 14 years of your life already
I was shocked that my girlfriend did all this when relapsing on Nicotine, breaking promises, lying, disappearing, responding in rage, and breaking boundaries.
It would be nice if you would address the self destructive effects of Nicotine and how it causes brain imbalance which causes addictive behavior.
Hey Amber! I adore your videos. I have also bought and done the "Invisible Intervention" course - it got ME out of the way and into way more freedom. Now I see that there are moments when my loved one wants to get out of addiction - what do I do now? Is there a course to book or can I take lessons with one of your councellors?
Sounds like you're seeing good progress,Sophie. Well done 🤩 Typically, you want to wait for the right moment (a moment when change talk is happening), and get them to agree to take some sort of step. (ie; maybe you could get them to agree to receive my 30-Day Jump start messages. They're free and it might help his motivation. Or, you could ask him if he thinks getting some tips from a specialists might help.
So true amber, this is gold
Thanks Simone!
The addict in my life is in treatment now. (4 days - woohoo!) but the most helpful thing I learned from Amber was to just assume they were using. So no looking through stuff. No wondering who they were texting or calling. None of that. It is in their backyard. Not mine. My backyard was to say "No you can't stay here because I don't feel safe" and leave it at that. Or sometimes I let her stay but "No you may not use my car." Why not? "It doesn't feel safe." No much to argue with because if I assume they are using then they can't use my car, they can't have any money, etc. It stopped a lot of the "crazy train" stuff in my head.
I will add - The addict in my life is addicted to heroin so unless she was really sick (from withdrawal), she was using.
Kristin, I'm giving you an A++++++! You hit the nail on the head 🤩
Bingo!
Mine didnt acknowledge cheating until caught him. He never apologized he said he was in love with both of us. He also had asked me to Marry him while cheating and because I suspicions he might b I didnt say yes or no. The he threw that up to me. How was he going to marry me saying he also loved someone else??,
That's sketchy for sure!
"What is this thing in my hand? I don't know!!"
😂🤣😋
I dont know if i can say those things to him. I am sickened by his addiction and his lies… mostly his not caring.
@@laurabeigh283 The situation won't change until you react differently.
My ex best friend once told me that cocaine wouldn’t kill her after I told her that I’m worried that it would kill her
Trying to get to her didn’t work
I have looked and alooked around and all this soft love won’t help anyone. I think we should treat ADDICTS with tough love and then once they are sober for a while, we should heap love and kindness and therapy and any kind of help on them.
But not on active addicts. Studies on involubtary rehab show it to be equally effective as voluntary.
How do you do this when it got him into alote of trouble and is in jail.but blanes me for all of it
He will pick something I've been unhappy about as well as finding another woman and try and fix that issue. So he gets way too over excited over sex and prioritises sex over everything. He will push anything aside for sex, including his daughter. So he will say 'yes your right, I do do that. I know if I just wait, I will get sex that night' but you bring up the woman he's just slept with and he shuts down again and says 'no, there is no woman, I'm happy to work on the behaviour and wait for sex instead of demanding for it right there and then but there is no other woman!'. Its so frustrating!!
Because I know that the waiting for sex is just for me and he will still be demanding sex from the other woman and getting angry at her when she says no. Eventually he goes back to demanding me for sex and gets angry at me if I say no. The behaviour change never lasts
Amber have you dealt with clients that have been diagnosed with anti social personality disorder in your practice. My son does not know how not to lie.
Hi Karen, I've been working with addiction for a long time, and I've rarely ran into people that are truely Antisocial Personality Disorder. (although there have been a few!). However, people in active addiction often engage in very antisocial behavior (like pathologically lying)
Why am I repeating experience with this over years and told I just nuts and no official interview fact in time
I’m so saddened because I desperately need help my sister is such a liar about alcohol
Have you seen this video about sneak drinking? ruclips.net/video/fzK1vOQ4zAg/видео.html
Can you make a video on ways you could facilitate an addict spending time with yalls child in a way that doesn't physically or emotionally harm the child or you? Personally I'm talking about an infant, and also we are not together. I know a lot of people are in this situation. It's KILLING me inside for her not to know him, but I feel like I tried everything. There has to be a way for her to see him and know who he is if someday he recovers, he'd be a great daddy to her 😭 But I'm at a loss. Please make a video for those in our situation!
I left my boyfriend a week ago now. 18 yrs on and off due to his drug use that he always hid from me aswell as abuse. I know he does love me and i do love him. We we eachother first loves aswell . But its to the point where he has no friends and his family doesnt want to deal with him. He blames me for everything. I feel guilty for leaving as i am all he has but he does nothing but drain me and take me for granted. Hes great on his good days but mostly its living hell. He doesnt even have a drivers license. He picks fights and makes me leave but then I run right back. Weve been no contact for a week now and i know deep down he really didnt want me to leave cause he got enraged once i packed my stuff all while wanting me to leave.. Any advice?? Please i sure could use some.
Hi Michelle, Sometimes you have to draw a boundary. You're not helping him or yourself if you don't. Here a video about that topic that might be helpful: ruclips.net/video/RQLB1RQfEFY/видео.html
Thank you!❤
Whatever you do, don't go back to him! It'll be hard for a while, but you will begin to feel a sense of relief once the pain subsides. You'll be so much happier.
Thank you Amber..you are amazing.
I used this method..please let me know Amber if I did ok..
I went with their headspace..I told it like it is..I constantly reinforced..it's in the refusal and kept repeating almost like a robot.."one needs to admit accept and commit..it's in the refusal"..using non-judgemental approach..also explaining what the false-positive of ego-self is.
After 3 1/2 years..by George I think he has got it.
What are your thoughts Amber?
Was this approach-method helpful and useful?
I also reinforced.."no shame..no blame..no judgement."
(Dry..no self-help).
Hi Sandy, it sounds to me like he's responding, so I'd say your approach was helpful!
@@PutTheShovelDown Thank you Amber for your reassurance.💞 You are truly amazing!👍👍
I feel like him sleeping for 15+ hours a day is a good sign. I don't get any of this. I'm just sick and tired. He'd rather spend every last penny on drugs and alcohol then get me a Christmas present :/ and he lost his job so I'm guessing my stuff is going to start getting stolen soon. I was so close to not unlocking the door for him even though it is Christmas. Every day sucks with him. My birthday was ruined by his drinking too and sometimes I don't even want to look at him. He sent a big glittery heart to his addicted ex and says he's not cheating. I've asked him to leave. I'm scared to call the cops because he has a warrant and I think that'll mean that I'll get in trouble for harboring a fugitive, probably have cps called, maybe get jail time and never get benefits for section 8 again. I hate this. He thinks he'll save up for a lawyer if he can ever keep a job. How do I get him to see it? Record him falling asleep and falling out of the chair onto the ground? He doesn't even remember that he has been awake today and opening presents. I'm hoping to finish this video while watching my baby.
sounds like you're getting to the end of your rope😢
@@PutTheShovelDown I think so. I have a lot of issues with depression too
The police won't charge you if you make a confidential call to them that maybe your boyfriend has an outstanding warrant. They'll ask you for more information and then some help in taking him into custody.(What, where, who and why questions)
I get it ! Im on it . I get it get it get it .i hate number 6🥺😳ok, oractice makes perfect Amber ! I trust you
⭐️⭐️⭐️
He won't admit anything no matter what. I've had to walk away because of it because he's a sex addict and I don't need to be playing 'guess the std' because he can't take responsibility for his actions. He's still acting out, currently sleeping with at least 1 that I know of, in a 12 step programme, lying to everyone and pretending he's sober. Its heartbreaking but I don't need this fear in my life.
I just found out a friend the love of her life is addicted to drugs and he has congestive heart failure what can She do to help him he wanted to move over to the state she is in but She is Concern on how to help
But liars ARE horrible people.
It’s the addiction and not the actual person. I understand it sucks though.
@@bsafistication no its him. He has extremely high rate of narcissism. He's been sober 2 months now, came home and attempted to rape me. Then denied it and went on a rage and gaslighting session. Addicts have a higher rate of narcissism. He is a horrible person. If your spouse is an addict. Run. They are miserable disgusting Animals.
Wouldn't normalizing cause the addict to continue without consequences?
It's not necessarily normalizing the behavior, but more like normalizing how someone could get stuck in addiction.
I think it’s time for me to speak directly w you or Campbell, as a parent to an adult addict. How can I make am appointment and get some advice?
Thank you in advance,
Click this link to find out about scheduling with us www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/consultations
This only shows me blind intentions to hined what that are doing behind my back
How long do you hang on to the hope be fore you know when your relationship is never gnn be fixed
Here's a video about When To Walk Away: ruclips.net/video/EE5D8U34cl4/видео.html
Hi
My husband runs away from home every other month and he never admits it's because of drugs. He says it's because he hates me he's been gone for 6 days hasn't went to work
Make a plan to get out of that marriage. You deserve better.
Sounds like babying them
Why are immortal people using this on me in the here and now and give no answers as if I am talking to my self.
My bi polar daughter blames me for
Everything
😫
Im uploading a video response to this video! I will link ur channel! Love ya!
I just checked it out. Lots of great advice from someone who's been on both sides of addiction!
Is it ok to state the facts? Let's say they lost jobs...can we reminded them?
❤
You talk too much to get to the point… just talk. I’m trying to stay still for the point and it’s too much babble
Sorry you didn't enjoy the video, April
Wow, rude much?!!!
Yes I think just get to the point
In my case with my daughter very little communication,only calls me when she needs me , how do I communicate doesn’t admitted ,she gets upset very easy and ask me not to call or see her anymore . How do I get closer ? Thank you for your knowledge 🕊🙏🫶
You're so welcome, Rosa. I'm glad these videos are helping in some small way!