I once had my sick cat wake me up by sitting on my head, then went to work with a little brown star mark on my forehead. I didn't find it 'till my bathroom break at noon.
If I have to make one solid mark down against cats as a pet, it's their willingness to shit near us. A cat-fanatic friend of mine once revealed he had cat shit in his bed to me, as if it was nothing.
I work at a meat market and once I farted and blamed the smell on the meat. We were looking for that rotten package at our meat counter for at least 20 minutes before my boss gave up.
People always use leaves because it's conveniently there, but it's always too rubbery or hard. I wonder if there is a plant out there that is perfect for loo role.
"average person has 5 secrets theyve never told a living soul" How do they know of the existence of these secrets then? "The Black Pearl? I've heard stories. She's been preying on ships and settlements for near ten years. Never leaves any survivors. " "No survivors? Then where do the stories come from, I wonder?"
Old joke for you... Two guys are hiking in the Canadian woods. One says he has to do a poo, but won't go because he has no paper. The other says, "Use 5 dollars", and he agrees that it's a good idea. So off he goes to a private spot... 10 minutes later, the guy's coming back covered in brown. It's up his arms, on his legs, across his chest. He's a mess. The other guy says, "What happened to you? Didn't you use the five dollars like I said to??" "OF COURSE I DID", the first guy says, "but have YOU ever tried to wipe your ass with a toonie, 2 loonies and 4 quarters??!!!!"
ONE OF THE GENUINELY funny and relatively all-inclusive bits since the New QI began. Had immense fun with this part even though it was quite different from the Original QI.
My secret is, that a secret is what I have, and now that I've told you I have that secret, it's no longer a secret, and no longer a secret that I have.
weskos that would be the case if you had told us the secret, knowledge that such a secret exists is no longer secret, but the actual secret itself is still a secret
I too have the same condition as Bridget Trypophobia, it's not the worst thing to be afflicted, with obviously, but it can make me very nervous and nauseous. And we share the same name only mines spelt different.
I know I have at least 2 secrets that I knoe for a fact I will never ever tell a living soul. One of them I might crack one day and tell someone. The other shall forever remain buried with the hope to make reality that it never happened.
People have 5 secrets they’ve never told anyone? I don’t have any secrets that I haven’t told at least one person. There are things I haven’t told people but it’s not a secret, I just haven’t bothered to tell them, I would tell them if they asked. I don’t enjoy keeping secrets so I don’t. But when I need to, I’m very good at keeping secrets.
That opening is the most stupid proposition I've ever heard. What classes as a secret? That's vague af. No one knows what I ate yesterday does that make it a aecret
I was genuinely thinking I didn’t have any secrets, then Alan’s story awoke a deeply suppressed memory in me.
Oohh please do tell.
Have you shat in a bush?
I feel you, bro.
Same
@@mainzer45 he once saw alan davies taking a shit in a bush
Alan Davies is adorable. After all these years. Still adorable
I love Alan Davies ❤
He is priceless.
agreed.
He always will be🥺
turned into WILTY for a second there
shitter in a bush than on a bench
Sandi: how drunk were you?
I guess you could say Alan was nearly shitfaced
TonyClark well played, sir.
@@scottdrone-silvers5179 thank you haha
especially if he put his glasses on again
PA DUM PUM SSSSSS.
sounds like when he slipped on the leaves he did a skid that left a mark on him
"And you've shat in a bush!"
Comedy gold!
I didn't get that bit
@@paulaplantita8458 It's just the way she said it :)
That reminds me of a Jimmy Carr routine, I'm not a big enough personality to get away with repeating it on RUclips like him.
Thank you for repeating what I just heard myself
alan's anecdote strikes again
"Didn't really realise those were the parameters" Dear god, I laughed so hard I think I may need surgery.
All he had to say was he didn't like Game Of Thrones
Victoria Coren Mitchell "admits" to four murders and somehow Bridget Christie is still scarier.
Considering the childhood Alan had, he could have gone a heck of a lot darker than "I once fell over in my own poo."
Saying his father sexually assaulted him probably would have brought him to tears
The fact that you know about it means it isn't a secret
@@Neil.Menezes I only know what he's shared in his biography. Fairly sure he didn't include all the details, though.
Man this channel is so good they should turn it into a tv show! I would watch it ✊✊
It’s on Netflix.....
@@EmmaRiddle543 Not in the US. Couldn't even use my VPN since I signed up for Netflix in the US
@@EmmaRiddle543 r/woooosh
It’s on bbc iPlayer
That whole episode was gold 😂
Poor Sandi, she was desperately trying to keep a straight face.
Oh my god I'm so boring I dont even have one lol... Phil's bit at the end just brilliant made me choke on me drink lol!
I once had my sick cat wake me up by sitting on my head, then went to work with a little brown star mark on my forehead. I didn't find it 'till my bathroom break at noon.
well that is a good one...shithead
If I have to make one solid mark down against cats as a pet, it's their willingness to shit near us. A cat-fanatic friend of mine once revealed he had cat shit in his bed to me, as if it was nothing.
Does that count as a secret? Presumably everyone at work with a cat knew exactly what happened to you.
If that was me I would have winged it told people it was Ash Wednesday.
Do you often go to work without washing your face?
I work at a meat market and once I farted and blamed the smell on the meat. We were looking for that rotten package at our meat counter for at least 20 minutes before my boss gave up.
It’s like a episode of would I lie to you
Never a prouder moment when Alan David says “I was pretty pissed”
Such a curious character
Imagine if he had told that story on WILTY. Would they have believed him?
Why would anyone not believe it?
Oh Alan, if people were more honest you'd find you are not the only one who's done that.
Thank you.
I need to find this whole episode NOW
It’s from series P episode 5
It's so worth it if you can find it. They kept bringing this up for the rest of episode!
@JONATHAN SUTCLIFFE Firstly, poo has no h in it and secondly, must you SHOUT?
Alan seems approximately 9 years old, and that's from a majority of perspectives.
Alan is Davis is the true everyman.
I was a bit disappointed Phil was in the video but made no comment, then last moment!
People always use leaves because it's conveniently there, but it's always too rubbery or hard. I wonder if there is a plant out there that is perfect for loo role.
A live goose.
Sphagnum moss. Learned that in a damp forest in North Wales.
@@mikemorley451 Coincidentally, that is also the favourite kind of moss of Andrew Hunter Murray, one of the elves and hosts of NSTAAF
"average person has 5 secrets theyve never told a living soul"
How do they know of the existence of these secrets then?
"The Black Pearl? I've heard stories. She's been preying on ships and settlements for near ten years. Never leaves any survivors.
"
"No survivors? Then where do the stories come from, I wonder?"
The respondents ticked which kinds of secrets they have. Doesn't mean they told the secrets.
best one ever :D
Grandpa's words of wisdom: never use leafs as loo rool. NEVER. Not worth it.
Old joke for you...
Two guys are hiking in the Canadian woods. One says he has to do a poo, but won't go because he has no paper. The other says, "Use 5 dollars", and he agrees that it's a good idea. So off he goes to a private spot...
10 minutes later, the guy's coming back covered in brown. It's up his arms, on his legs, across his chest. He's a mess.
The other guy says, "What happened to you? Didn't you use the five dollars like I said to??"
"OF COURSE I DID", the first guy says, "but have YOU ever tried to wipe your ass with a toonie, 2 loonies and 4 quarters??!!!!"
@@djhrecordhound4391 I have no idea what a toonie or a loonie mean but this seems like a funny joke all the same.
@@lpsp442 Sorry about the jargon...
"Loonie" coin is $1 with a loon bird on it, and the $2 "toonie" came shortly after the loonie.
@@djhrecordhound4391 Splendid - I had no idea that such a bird as a "loon" existed, nor that birds featured on American coinage.
@@lpsp442 The US has the eagle, these are Canadian
ONE OF THE GENUINELY funny and relatively all-inclusive bits since the New QI began. Had immense fun with this part even though it was quite different from the Original QI.
0:31 it was the look kon Sandi's face that cracked me up
There's a much higher quality of smut since Sandi took over!
One serious thought is that Alan let that secret out when he was sober. If you went out with him for a drink, think about the horrors he'd tell.
Only just realised that the speech bubble behind them is saying..
'Shhhh-it's a secret'
LMAO! Next compilations should be Alan speaking in different accents and answering Math questions
Please wear your glasses on the show Alan. Oh wait.......
Check the spelling in the thumbnail ;)
What did it say? I didn't catch it.
@@BeaSDT "Alan revals his most embarrassing secret"
@@mamanowatum Oh, thank you! They must seen your comment and changed it. :)
My secret is, that a secret is what I have, and now that I've told you I have that secret, it's no longer a secret, and no longer a secret that I have.
weskos that would be the case if you had told us the secret, knowledge that such a secret exists is no longer secret, but the actual secret itself is still a secret
A secret opinion
A secret dislike
A secret hobby
Yeah, spot on.
Lmao, "Shhhh! It's a secret!" written behind him...
Shhhhh it's a secret!
Shhhits's a secret!
Shit's a secret!
if you've not shat in the wild you haven't lived
steeltuff1 hell I’m from the southern US and down here we call it being bush broke.
I too have the same condition as Bridget Trypophobia, it's not the worst thing to be afflicted, with obviously, but it can make me very nervous and nauseous. And we share the same name only mines spelt different.
amazing that the british version of 'most embarrassing secret' is joey diaz's afternoon
Alan was the Phantom Shitter all along
At least he managed to shat in a bush instead of a festival, damn you chilly and long queues
No, he managed to shit in a bush or do you not understand tense?
It could just be a typo, no need to jump to conclusions
He got caught short what???
I'm very rarely above average
I know I have at least 2 secrets that I knoe for a fact I will never ever tell a living soul.
One of them I might crack one day and tell someone. The other shall forever remain buried with the hope to make reality that it never happened.
Serves him right!
The name of this video did not age well.
What happened?
I thought he'd maybe talk about that time he bit a homeless man in the face.
Full episode her: www.dailymotion.com/video/x6wybnr
I always find it funny how people on these shows will drop an f bomb or use the C word, but say poo when talking about shit.
I clicked because I saw Victoria in the thumbnail.
@nicole nagy I do--very funny.
@nicole nagy Yes they are! Probably my favorite celebrity couple.
Le mis
Who is the girl in the gold jacket
Bridget Christie.
@@stephenmuirhead2615 She's hellish funny. Especially on The Unbelievable Truth.
I love Alan but this is just sad, we've really got an alcohol problem in the many countires!😞
The real problem we have is anal retention.
😂😅🤣😂😅🤣 possibly a joke
People have 5 secrets they’ve never told anyone? I don’t have any secrets that I haven’t told at least one person. There are things I haven’t told people but it’s not a secret, I just haven’t bothered to tell them, I would tell them if they asked. I don’t enjoy keeping secrets so I don’t. But when I need to, I’m very good at keeping secrets.
That opening is the most stupid proposition I've ever heard. What classes as a secret? That's vague af. No one knows what I ate yesterday does that make it a aecret
LMAO 😂
How is Bridget Christie a comedian?
Through being both funny and clever
Just imagine the Americans being this clever. Nah, neither can I...
You're projecting a bit, eh?