Mating with Everything that Moves in Crusader Kings II

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  • Опубликовано: 20 авг 2024

Комментарии • 757

  • @iSorrowproductions
    @iSorrowproductions 4 года назад +7434

    I haven't talked to my dad in 15 year, It's good to see he's doing well.

  • @IvanSidaruk
    @IvanSidaruk 4 года назад +3293

    “Let’s focus on any woman with a pulse” *next video* “We need to EXPAND our horizons, any woman, dead or alive.”

    • @ocyra2590
      @ocyra2590 4 года назад +240

      You're to close minded... that tree stump looks pretty thicc.

    • @seelcudoom1
      @seelcudoom1 4 года назад +107

      "alright necrophilia wasent enough, lets get that fanfic magic and get the men pregnant

    • @Enchie
      @Enchie 4 года назад +24

      @@seelcudoom1
      And have them give birth out of their dicks!
      Yes, I did that just to see men suffer.

    • @Princeofbelka
      @Princeofbelka 4 года назад +47

      Ива́н Васи́льевич not only the men but the women and children too

    • @Vxvian
      @Vxvian 4 года назад +21

      Zoophilia is not enough! You need Protogent!

  • @darkwingduke1631
    @darkwingduke1631 4 года назад +1391

    he's reached the point where he is so fertile he reproduces by spore cloud

    • @eracer166
      @eracer166 4 года назад +47

      So basically the way fish do it but airborne

    • @darkwingduke1631
      @darkwingduke1631 4 года назад +130

      @@eracer166 When a remotely alive female is in the general area he releases a massive white cloud

    • @XenosImplyer
      @XenosImplyer 4 года назад +32

      He is an Ork now.

    • @darkwingduke1631
      @darkwingduke1631 4 года назад +23

      @@XenosImplyer He is Ork+

    • @samuelbousfield4342
      @samuelbousfield4342 4 года назад +29

      HEZ DA REEL ORK BOSS DA GREATEST BOSS EVA.

  • @Valefisk
    @Valefisk  4 года назад +1917

    A Chance for Slavomir, Captain of Gondor, to Show his Quality

    • @f.palmero5010
      @f.palmero5010 4 года назад +11

      And his
      Dk

    • @zoranivanov3840
      @zoranivanov3840 4 года назад +9

      Valefisk can u bring communism in cruseider kings I wanna se a gulag in medieval time

    • @DelightfulTyrant
      @DelightfulTyrant 4 года назад +10

      You still make videos? I thought this was a dead channel so I unsubbed.

    • @Ace_011
      @Ace_011 4 года назад +3

      I had a high chief of Poland have a son named Drogomir, he became the first wendish emperor

    • @MrShadowtruth
      @MrShadowtruth 4 года назад +1

      great vid but your voice kind of sounds muffled like it's coming from some distance away.

  • @timpyrules
    @timpyrules 4 года назад +711

    Can you imagine how much one must drink when they have 10 children and 20 lovers but their alcohol abuse is what they are known for

    • @bathshebahubber614
      @bathshebahubber614 3 года назад +87

      anything to ease the constant post-nut pain

    • @isaacmayer-splain8974
      @isaacmayer-splain8974 2 года назад +23

      @@bathshebahubber614 those are some TF2 demoman levels of drinking. And he replaced his guts with a booze factory to stay permanently drunk!

    • @fukkthisnewupdate8882
      @fukkthisnewupdate8882 Год назад +1

      @@isaacmayer-splain8974 he did? God I love tf2

  • @C00kiesAplenty
    @C00kiesAplenty 4 года назад +587

    "Why would I want to make the horse immortal?"
    Makes the horse immortal.

    • @isaacmayer-splain8974
      @isaacmayer-splain8974 2 года назад +12

      Why would you not make the horse immortal?

    • @danwolf6076
      @danwolf6076 3 месяца назад

      An immortal steed, for the immortal lord!

  • @arafdi
    @arafdi 4 года назад +443

    "... going through the entirety of the female single market in Europe..."
    I mean, I'm sure that *wasn't* what the European leaders envisioned when they made the European single market...

    • @GandWizard
      @GandWizard 4 года назад +18

      ...but it's a nice byproduct nevertheless!

  • @mikavituhandle
    @mikavituhandle 4 года назад +1891

    "any woman with a pulse"
    this is discrimination towards dead women!

  • @rephaelkurziner6522
    @rephaelkurziner6522 4 года назад +1426

    Genghis khan: finally a worthy opponent!

    • @theemperorschosen7607
      @theemperorschosen7607 4 года назад +84

      OUR BATTLE WILL BE LEGENDARY!

    • @spencerhamilton2557
      @spencerhamilton2557 4 года назад +17

      Anything fleshy: ono

    • @theemperorschosen7607
      @theemperorschosen7607 4 года назад +27

      @@spencerhamilton2557
      Fleshly?
      Nah, lust Argonian maid 2 electric boogaloo!

    • @eldrenofthemist2492
      @eldrenofthemist2492 4 года назад +16

      @The Nova renaissance What about Solumen. It was said in the Bible that he had over a 1000 Wives and Concubines. :3

    • @Jack-iv1ed
      @Jack-iv1ed 4 года назад +7

      He mounted everything that moved tho

  • @janczy9206
    @janczy9206 4 года назад +628

    ''Taking any line from this video out of context is gonna sound horrible''
    -Valefisk 2020

    • @pedrolmlkzk
      @pedrolmlkzk 4 года назад +9

      Specially this one tbqh

    • @owlblocksdavid4955
      @owlblocksdavid4955 4 года назад +8

      I watched the entire video (my gosh, I watched the entire video?!) in context and the quotes still sound horrible xD

    • @alicestolze8327
      @alicestolze8327 3 года назад

      I can't believe he fucking said that my god what a horrible person

    • @yarinoi8662
      @yarinoi8662 2 года назад

      Ew, god, what a weirdo.

  • @whynot-tomorrow_1945
    @whynot-tomorrow_1945 4 года назад +222

    "Hey babe, just so you know, I invited a few friends to come over. I hope you don't mind."
    * 1,126 single women show up *

  • @zanolsena
    @zanolsena 4 года назад +320

    There is something fitting about Vale using "Tip of the Spear" from the Halo: Reach soundtrack at the end of this video. ISP's Dad was certainly using the tip of his spear.

  • @Spoon80085
    @Spoon80085 4 года назад +305

    My man single handedly caused a population spike

  • @RingshadowCat
    @RingshadowCat 3 года назад +95

    "Fuck it we're making the horse immortal" and it was at that point I lost my shit.

  • @bokybok3558
    @bokybok3558 4 года назад +298

    "Let me talk without giving birth!"
    -Valefisk 2020

  • @lazerninjastudios9827
    @lazerninjastudios9827 4 года назад +882

    Is every single time Vale leaves for weeks just another trip to the Hague for warcrime trials?

    • @lazerninjastudios9827
      @lazerninjastudios9827 4 года назад +51

      I have been liked by Vale my life is now complete. Time to commit tax fraud and end this life off on a high note

    • @Azure_Razgriz
      @Azure_Razgriz 4 года назад +45

      The answer to your question is Yes. I have seen him more than a hundred times in our courts. The only reason he gets off the hook is that he bribes me, the Scottish representative, with copious amounts of alcohol.

    • @Liuhuayue
      @Liuhuayue 4 года назад

      @@lazerninjastudios9827 Senpai noticed you!

  • @exitioregem8466
    @exitioregem8466 4 года назад +356

    "...are we farming them", idk bro, looks like its you who is being milked here

  • @its_dippy6779
    @its_dippy6779 4 года назад +114

    "I accidentally married a Bulgarian Princess"- Valefisk, 8th Century

  • @Sam-dc1hz
    @Sam-dc1hz 4 года назад +151

    "Mating with Everything that Moves in Crusader Kings II"
    Me: Thats my chance! Finally!

  • @quinn4968
    @quinn4968 2 года назад +42

    Woman: *Dies of stress*
    Vale: "You think your stressed?"

  • @wizardofaus7013
    @wizardofaus7013 4 года назад +153

    This should have been labeled “Consensual Genghis Khan Simulator”

  • @Blackstormeagle
    @Blackstormeagle 4 года назад +455

    The Virgin English Ratboys vs The Chad Bohemian Thatchers

  • @do-nothingbear9474
    @do-nothingbear9474 4 года назад +119

    At 15600% fertility you can make men preganant

  • @LynxHylix
    @LynxHylix 4 года назад +397

    This isnt Hoi4 in a nutshell wtf

    • @teddy5752
      @teddy5752 4 года назад +3

      LynxHylix I see your on the hoi4 train as well

    • @Enzo_honey
      @Enzo_honey 4 года назад +6

      Pathetic I only play hoi3

    • @Vlad-mt7hu
      @Vlad-mt7hu 4 года назад

      Lieutenant Enzy I play hoi2 CHECKMATE

    • @owlblocksdavid4955
      @owlblocksdavid4955 4 года назад +1

      This is what hoi4 is like for me. What game have you been playing?

    • @dandhiari7144
      @dandhiari7144 4 года назад

      @@Enzo_honey YEAH!

  • @seelcudoom1
    @seelcudoom1 4 года назад +72

    "the bubonic plague cant kill us all if we keep popping out more kids"

  • @miles6492
    @miles6492 3 года назад +28

    I love how Valefisk never realized that you can edit what messages show up as the scrolls or in the log and just soldiered through.

  • @jameshamlyn2177
    @jameshamlyn2177 4 года назад +217

    Now we know where the incels from stellaris came from

  • @MoonPatch
    @MoonPatch 2 года назад +4

    "How does Santa make it to every house?"
    Well you see, he spends the rest of the year backwards long jumping into a corner to build up speed-

  • @anarchyandempires5452
    @anarchyandempires5452 4 года назад +52

    "111! Holy shit we have 111 children!"
    Well Genghis Khan had 125, so it's not so impossible.

    • @Jack-iv1ed
      @Jack-iv1ed 4 года назад +1

      Probably everyone in continental Asia is related to genghis

    • @intelligencecube6752
      @intelligencecube6752 3 года назад +11

      @@Jack-iv1ed meanwhile, some guy from canada just flew into an airport in Kazakhstan and immediately got jumped for not being related to the great khan.

  • @premasafar7813
    @premasafar7813 4 года назад +44

    As a Bohemian, I can say this is 100% historically accurate.

  • @Jhrickgamer
    @Jhrickgamer 4 года назад +21

    "where are we even storing them" that was for sure the best sentence in this video

  • @edwardzero9275
    @edwardzero9275 4 года назад +115

    Building the Habsburg 2: Electric Boogaloo

  • @Cascade_Failure
    @Cascade_Failure 4 года назад +23

    As if medieval Europe wasn't enough of a warzone of successions between two potential heirs, let alone the offspring of more than 500!!!

  • @PauloGarcia-sp5ws
    @PauloGarcia-sp5ws 4 года назад +29

    Someone with the patience of a saint needs to do this and go from the oldest start to the latest start.

  • @Nothing-1w3
    @Nothing-1w3 4 года назад +445

    Innocent youtuber makes a video
    RUclips:DEMONTIZED!!
    Valefisk makes a video about dropping napalm, shooting with heavy tanks and other frontline weaponry at Hong Kong protesters.
    RUclips: I pretend I didn't see that...

    • @Hamsterdami
      @Hamsterdami 4 года назад +23

      +4500 Ducets (Chinese Sponsor)

    • @thejamman4070
      @thejamman4070 4 года назад +5

      In all fairness, China probably gives money for that.

  • @procyon6445
    @procyon6445 4 года назад +35

    “Any woman with a pulse” damn valefisk way to single people out smh. Where my necrophilia boys at?

  • @HiveFleetUlfang1
    @HiveFleetUlfang1 4 года назад +19

    Queen Victoria: I'm the grandmother of Europe.
    Niels Thatcher: Bish please.

  • @bonogiamboni4830
    @bonogiamboni4830 4 года назад +5

    Fun fact: pharaoh ramses II, aka ozymandias, was isp's dad in real life. He had around 200 kids, most of which illegitimate, and died at the ripe old age of about 95, which for ancient world standards is a fucking baller move (hell, even nowadays 95 is seen as pretty much more than you could realistically hope for). So yeah, weirdly enough this whole episode does have a historical precedent.

  • @archsteel7
    @archsteel7 4 года назад +6

    "Oops, I own Italy" is one of the most fucking CK2 things I've ever heard

  • @GandWizard
    @GandWizard 4 года назад +11

    17:01 "Needless to say, it's a little bit of a mess down here."
    Truer words were never spoken...

  • @davyhurst8968
    @davyhurst8968 4 года назад +27

    This man outbred the bubonic plague.

  • @evann5
    @evann5 4 года назад +86

    Dude is playing as a hentai protag wtf i'm buying this game

  • @mcsquizzy440
    @mcsquizzy440 4 года назад +18

    "The King's Brothel" is the name of the large building dedicated to.... Well we know.

  • @ComfortsSpecter
    @ComfortsSpecter 3 года назад +27

    “And that’s how ISP, organizer of artillery only divisions and taker of children was born”
    “The identity of his true mother is unknown to this day”

  • @miauwuff3854
    @miauwuff3854 4 года назад +11

    I love that you get to a point where you have to think of your children as percentages.

  • @unlimitedpanda5433
    @unlimitedpanda5433 4 года назад +51

    There's a mod that removes all other male characters from the game so that you can do this. Heard that from a friend...

  • @subparusername9172
    @subparusername9172 4 года назад +13

    ISP: I can’t it’s racist
    Valefisk: Even better

  • @instantddeath5029
    @instantddeath5029 4 года назад +54

    Ah yes, the Genghis Khan simulator

  • @sarkhan_guy
    @sarkhan_guy 4 года назад +47

    Oh my favorite confessions channel on RUclips. Let’s start the day with some Warcrimes or Morally wrong actions.

  • @B1smarkk
    @B1smarkk 4 года назад +19

    10:50 Don't you just hate when you accidently marry princess from Bulgaria.

  • @lolmaster438
    @lolmaster438 4 года назад +12

    This guy could effectively conquer the whole world with just his children, true units of an army and diplomacy 😂

  • @owenmachinecarbine6023
    @owenmachinecarbine6023 4 года назад +13

    "Are we farming them?"
    Well you are planting your seed soooo

  • @Arla9045
    @Arla9045 4 года назад +10

    he's going to literally create his own small nation from scratch if left alone for a few years...

  • @NielsMulvad
    @NielsMulvad 4 года назад +9

    I did an achievement run like 5 months ago, and at the last generations all I did was spread my seed.
    Managed to get almost 40 children with one lad, that was fun.
    I was planning on doing a hausberg game, no wars just breed to win next.

  • @kreon7472
    @kreon7472 4 года назад +12

    Animal:*makes a step*
    Valefisk: A move is a move

    • @jepp6419
      @jepp6419 4 года назад

      " *makes a step* "

    • @kreon7472
      @kreon7472 4 года назад

      @@jepp6419 prepare your ass you poor man

  • @Sallafar
    @Sallafar 4 года назад +10

    "Offspring"? Man, you're dwelling in realms where the appropriate term would be "Litter"

  • @balintvasvari7573
    @balintvasvari7573 4 года назад +11

    "How does he able to go into each one every night?" *-Valefisk, 2020*

  • @SpiderClaw0com
    @SpiderClaw0com 4 года назад +32

    Impregnate as many men as possible CK2 Challenge.

  • @rexcentx2254
    @rexcentx2254 4 года назад +11

    Damn, Valefisk really spent so much time clicking on fertility but the maximum is 300 % anyway.

  • @kyucumbear
    @kyucumbear 4 года назад +11

    "Let me talk without giving birth, goddamn it!"
    Ah, yes. Of course.
    Edit: Also a very cool quote is "I didn't wanna own Italy, this just kinda happened on it's own."

  • @lewisvargrson
    @lewisvargrson 4 года назад +8

    Being that you wanted your character to go after all the ladies, I think Niels Snatcher would have been a more appropriate name.

  • @darykeng
    @darykeng 4 года назад +19

    *The Habsburgs wants to know your location*

  • @zachm9202
    @zachm9202 4 года назад +29

    You made your character so fertile all he has to do is just brush against a woman and he has to pay child support.

  • @Lauren-ny9pe
    @Lauren-ny9pe 4 года назад +4

    nillsputin, bohemia's greatest love machine

  • @JohnGAME
    @JohnGAME 4 года назад +4

    As someone who lives in the Czech Republic (Bohemia + Moravia + Silesia) I can confirm that this is basically how it works here. Come join our *mating cult* any time!

  • @catsndogs98
    @catsndogs98 4 года назад +3

    Europe isn’t enough to contain or satisfy this man. It’s time for a *WORLD TOUR*

  • @Choppytehbear1337
    @Choppytehbear1337 4 года назад +9

    Next video: "Mating with anything that moves as a tentacle monster."

  • @ajrobbins368
    @ajrobbins368 4 года назад +19

    Asia
    Austria
    Australia
    "Austrasia" 18:58

  • @ngngye
    @ngngye 4 года назад +10

    Vid went public 2 minutes ago and Vale’s already planning an atrocity

  • @burnedfreedom
    @burnedfreedom 4 года назад +6

    The Genghis Khan of Europe: Niels Thatcher

  • @YungCoomer
    @YungCoomer 4 года назад +9

    Crusader Kings II: Walter Frey simulator

  • @Molsam88
    @Molsam88 4 года назад +6

    Nils: Welcome to my harem!

  • @emil3801
    @emil3801 4 года назад +1

    thank god you exist Vale, your shenanigans never stop being fun

  • @dmitri5214
    @dmitri5214 4 года назад +3

    5:31 you cheeky, cheeky boi. I see what you did there.

  • @ObligedUniform
    @ObligedUniform 4 года назад +3

    "I'll find another" - Lord Niels Thatcher (Frey)

  • @alicestolze8327
    @alicestolze8327 3 года назад

    Black Death: *Kills a third of Europe*
    Niels Thatcher: My time has come

  • @DCGMatthew1
    @DCGMatthew1 4 года назад +16

    Sounds like my daily life, hahaha, that's why I'm in jail. Please, someone break me out.

  • @dist0rt3dhum0r
    @dist0rt3dhum0r 4 года назад +1

    The moment I saw this alert in my youtube notifications I thought to myself "This is the kind of quality content I subscribe to Valefisk for.".

  • @Longshanks1690
    @Longshanks1690 4 года назад +7

    Walder Frey Simulator 2020.

  • @austinkaylor8084
    @austinkaylor8084 4 года назад +1

    This reminds me of a darkthrone song. "Five million women, so alone in the night. I had them all satisfied, profusely, every night by myself"

  • @AceWolf456
    @AceWolf456 4 года назад +4

    Alternative title: More prolific than Gangis Kahn

  • @hehe8138
    @hehe8138 4 года назад +1

    This is evidence that real life is a paradox game. King Solomon was just meta-Valefisk trying to beat a record.

  • @jovideos7546
    @jovideos7546 4 года назад +4

    The Hapsburg's have nothing on the mighty Thatcherz

  • @jakeking974
    @jakeking974 2 года назад

    That man wasn't starting a kingdom, he was starting a boarding school

  • @colvion4407
    @colvion4407 4 года назад

    Santa goes to millions of homes. Nills goes to millions of holes. It just works

  • @tomasburian5082
    @tomasburian5082 4 года назад +110

    As a Czech, this Sunni coat of arms really offends me

    • @asnekboi7232
      @asnekboi7232 4 года назад +4

      It’s a joke bro

    • @TheMrFu
      @TheMrFu 4 года назад +3

      boo fucking hoo

    • @TheMrFu
      @TheMrFu 4 года назад +2

      boo fucking hoo

    • @TheMrFu
      @TheMrFu 4 года назад +2

      boo fucking hoo

    • @TheMrFu
      @TheMrFu 4 года назад +2

      boo fucking hoo

  • @bruceluiz
    @bruceluiz 4 года назад +1

    Now imagine if every single one of those children were DEMON CHILD...

  • @kafeelshah792
    @kafeelshah792 4 года назад +2

    finally a new video from my favourite RUclipsr.

  • @dr.nosborn6330
    @dr.nosborn6330 4 года назад +2

    The great Tupac Yupanqui and his 140 sons are proud of you Vale

  • @BloodyMobile
    @BloodyMobile Год назад

    "5 guys and too many wifes" sounds like a sitcom. Reminds me of "2 1/2 guys" from the feeling of the title.

  • @davidmullally4792
    @davidmullally4792 4 года назад +27

    It’s already demonetized.

  • @sethsoarenson7414
    @sethsoarenson7414 3 года назад

    Her: I bet he's thinking about other women...
    Neils Thatcher: *is actually thinking of other women*

  • @Solll0
    @Solll0 4 года назад +6

    Now where have i've seen this one before. (looks at previous ck2 video)

  • @morganmason5356
    @morganmason5356 3 года назад +2

    Val: I didn’t mean to own Italy...it just kind of happened.

  • @burkesullivan9086
    @burkesullivan9086 4 года назад +3

    Now do the same with the Game of Thrones mod.
    House Hare, "If it moves, you can f*** it"

  • @ZeroGunzRoyCHP
    @ZeroGunzRoyCHP 4 года назад

    ''Taking any line from this video out of context is gonna sound horrible''
    Taking any line from any video made by Valefisk is gonna sound horrible~

  • @jesseludtke9655
    @jesseludtke9655 4 года назад +1

    Him after three years is like zap branagan in futurism in the Amazon episode, just “please I need rest, my spirit is willing but my flesh is spongey and bruised”

  • @Supremedalex
    @Supremedalex 3 года назад +1

    “Come to Bohemia” ~ Some creepy guy who says he rules Bohemia.

  • @Gulitize
    @Gulitize 4 года назад +11

    You can easily change the concubine/wife size easily in the files, there is even a mod that does it for you. I currently have a game with over 100 wives.

  • @AMinibot
    @AMinibot 4 года назад

    What I love about this is it's applying a popular way of playing the fucking Sims to CK2.