Everyone is ragging on her but she is really trying to figure out how to help and cope with her husbands mental health. It is exhausting being with someone like this and hard to know what to do.
Agreed! My husband is the same way and we have a 5 y.o as well so this hits very hard and close to home...I get her pain and cry for help...all of it...
@@Chet_24 what do you view as weakness? I don't view my husband or any man as weak for showing emotion....there is a time for everything, a man can show compassion and kindness as well as be a leader and take the lead, be forceful when needed....be wrathful and protective when needed. Emotion is not weakness....a lack of is and it's not balanced. I'm sorry but I don't agree with your statement.
I've was in her position for YEARS and nothing changed until I separated from my husband. Only then did he seek outside help and realize this was a huge problem.
They be so stubborn to actually do something about what they’re going through. You have to get out of your comfort zone and express yourself and get professional help if needed. Otherwise the sailor is going down with the ship…
I’ve tried two different therapists, that didn’t work, both told me I was fine and only had to do some minor adjustments. I find that taking time off work helps but that’s not something I get the luxury to do often.
it's wrong to leave your husband because he is unwell. I bet if you stuck with him he would have eventually sought outside help anyway. The girl in the video is complaining meanwhile her husband is always working and making money. Many people depressed with anxiety don't even want to get out of bed so she is lucky. Things are never perfect in marriage but John made a big mistake by suggesting divorcing him simply because he does not go out to family events and supposedly is depressed and anxious. It sounds like she has bigger problems than the issues her husband has. When you marry someone you don't dump them because there are problems.
It is impossible to help a grown adult who doesn't want help. You can't force them to do anything. Too many caregivers literally die because of someone else.
this is so sad to read bc i've been on the other side. everyone's different. when i was in that state, i yearned so much to feel better although it was extremely difficult. unwillingly, i was always fatigued and tired. i felt like i really did not have any silver lining of hope to continue anything. almost 20+ years later, and daily efforts, i am so proud to say that am finally rid of that identity. im in my early 30s now. i am confident in this bc the things that use to trigger those feelings no longer triggers them. and those same feelings that i've felt for the past 20+ years, i no longer feel even in slightest bit. please be gentle and give those who are struggling patience. that's what they need the most.
@@strangerdaysss "please be gentle and give those who are struggling patience. that's what they need the most." You can't expect or demand something from others, especially if they can't take it mentally. I understand you, but you have also to understand people who are on the other side. If people break because of what they have to provide for you and you expect them to "be patient" while their mental, or physical health deteriorates you need to think about the way you view relationships. Some people can give things without end, some can't.
It's not like people are magic and can just easily cure a troubled person. The victim is often blaimed because he wont get help by some magic therapist. If anxiety and depression are bad then the situations that cause the depression and anxiety need to change in order to help the person, or the person often needs some medicine.
@@strangerdaysss20+ years later and you’re only in your early 30+. Are you sure you were depressed? and not just going through imbalances of youth hormones (adolescence/teens). And teens love sleep are always sleeping for excess amounts of time
My dad had major depression through my teens and the best thing my mom did was eventually told him that he needed to either get help or leave. She had tried to love him out of it, and tried talking to him but he constantly just shut down. People want to tiptoe around depressed people and treat them like glass. Unless a depressed person is clinically insane, they are responsible for their actions and can choose to heal if they want to. Unpopular opinion but that is the truth.
I can sympathize with people going through depression, it's tough, but it's still up to them to do whatever it is they need to do to improve their situation. No one can take the medication for you, go to therapy for you, change your diet for you, etc. You owe it to yourself and the people you love to take those steps.
@jenniferthompson5146....I agree. My father suffered from depression. My mother always tried to be upbeat and love him out of it. However, as time went on nothing changed. We just never knew what he was going to be like one day to the next. We all walked on glass. He wasn't violent but he constantly felt sorry for himself. His life was filled with regrets. As I grew older, I suggested therapy or antidepressants but he chose not to heal. He passed 11 years ago and now at 53 my heart breaks for him. I really wish my Mom and Dad would have addressed it more aggressively together for all of us.
That is usually when you realize the difference between helping someone and enabling them. In my teens my mom had severe anxiety and anorexia and everything revolved around her disease. As soon as I was able at 16 I left and moved out. She had made me a codependent etc thought I would always sit by her bedside and be her nurse forever...it started when I was 10??? 😅 I didn't speak to her for 10 years after I left. Then all of a sudden when my grandma passed away and there was nobody left to feed into her disease she finally got better. She had always been in "therapy" but it never sunk in and nothing ever changed until she was all alone and had to change something. The disease had made her a master manipulator...she just couldn't manipulate me. My whole family was toxic as heck but I only have seen the ins and outs of it in my 30ies. I'm 45 now. Don't waste your life away on people who opted out of "doing life".
The reason the man dosent talk about it is because he is directly showing weakness that way and weakness to a woman any type is a turn of and disgusting you show it through your words and not actions just like you said she told him to leave while having no empathy because she dosent know how it is for him we are Men we are expected to be leaders fighters etc we get tired from time to time but we don't show it we push it aside and keep going that's what women most often forget is that even we have are own demons we are fighting
One thing that snapped me out of it and got me to go get help was the realization that my depression was affecting my child and would affect his development.
@@maya1110 You obviously have no idea what depression is and how bad it can get. It`s an illness and it`s as real as a physical illness, if you want to make that distinction. Actually depression is physical, it can be measured in serotonin levels and has a lot of physical symptoms. Would you tell somebody with a broken leg who tells you they cannot climb the stairs for the 10th time today that it`s just a bad choice they are making and that they just want to be pampered? And to your grandparent example: Yes, there was depression in that generation it just wasn`t called that because people didn`t know a lot about mental health and there was nearly no treatment which meant a lot of people who had it killed themselves after some time. My great-grandmother got depression right after she experienced the war and couldn`t work for a year. People had incredibly little after the war and there was a risk that they would just let her starve when she couldn`t work and she still "chose to be depressed", are you kidding me? Depression still is a deadly desease today with a high suicide rate and I don`t know how you get it straight in your head that all these lazy selfish people who just want to be pampered are at the same time hurting so badly that they actually kill themselves. I am sure there is people who say they are depressed when they actually aren`t like there is scammers in everything. Your description of what you think depression is would fit somebody who is just making it up as an excuse, so maybe you met people like that, I don`t know. But you spreading that attitude that depression can`t be real is dangerous to people who actually have it.
@@anthill1510 Babes i didnt say it wasnt real...serotonin is produced by phisical activity, good deeds, nature ect...its our society that instead of giving someone something useful to do ponder to their bad habits....close a healty person in a dark space with no air looking at a screen and i gurantee they will get depressed...all i m saying before there would be no one to feed you to have the oportunity to lay in bed all day and let your negative thinking run rampant...working in the garden, phisical activity that is hard and discipline...but people love to be sick these days...there are diagnoses more than you can imagine...as i said our granparents would spank that nonsense real quick with some hard work and common sense...try it...i guarantee it works
@@maya1110 Because of people like you depression keeps being a stigma. If you don't know what it means to have a physical or mental disease, say nothing at all... This "choice" keeps popping up everywhere, whether it be depression, being trans/gay, autism, ADHD, or any other health condition. If it were a choice, nobody would be choosing it. Nobody wants to be miserable in bed all day without being able to care for themselves, the house or their family. Nobody wants to be discriminated for belonging to a minority group, be critiqued for having a condition by ignorant people like you and go through tons of health struggles/appointments just for fun. Clearly, you're lucky enough to never have witnessed a real depression yourself or up close for years. Just because 50 years ago there was less interest in mental health than nowadays doesn't mean depression should be ignored. There's a reason why there's so many dysfunctional generational problems in families, because no mental issues/disorders were being treated.
My mom was severely depressed thru my childhood. I'm GLAD you got some help. My mom now has dementia. I seriously think it was from her stressful marriage and maybe some nutritional issues.
I had to leave my love because he refused to get help. Refused to work, get out of bed, clean and take care of himself, would aggressively take out his anger on me and said he would never ever speak to someone ever. It hurts dearly but we were not married and I felt like I had no choice but to move on. I'm heart broken but I have chronic health issues and it was bringing me so down. Nothing I did would help and his refusal to get help is really what made me leave. If someone hates themselves so much it's often impossible to love them. I wish this wasn't the case but sadly it is. I wish him well.
My ex was like this, too 😢 I got tired of being his emotional dumping ground....his rage terrified me. I wish he too could have loved himself enough to get help. My now husband and I pray for him often~ I do wish him the best, despite what he put me through over 14 years. I'm proud of you for moving on for your own health...but I know it's heartbreaking to walk away from someone you love who is so obviously hurting 😢
You're not a therapist or a doctor. This level of depression is way above what you can help him with. If someone is refusing professional help for severe depression or addiction or whatever other serious health issue they cant expect family members to just enable them.
I can’t thank all of y’all enough for expressing how this has affected you because I have had depression and anxiety for most of the life I can remember and I have been to stubborn to realize how much it has just affected others, primarily my parents. I took this pain medication recently for an abscess tooth and I normally refuse to take medication and coincidentally one of its side effects was a boost in seratonin and I swear I hadn’t felt happier in literally 15 years. I’m 22 now and I’m now seeking help because I now know how beneficial a small dose of medication can be and the impact it has on your mood and I’m glad I’m doing it now while I can still change the trajectory of my life.
My husband’s 18 years of anxiety & depression was actually a hooker and porn habit. The 4 kids and I did everything to respect him and his moods. He was always “busy” at work and traveling for work but too depressed to do house chores or yard work or be with the children. But he had the ability to siphon off money from our retirement funds to pay for Cam girls and Sugar Babies and sex workers. And of course had sex with me 2-3 times a week. His “depression” did not affect his sexual appetites. He stayed back from family trips and Holidays to have Orgies in the house. I wish I had gone to therapy and had the emotional strength to leave when I felt like this caller. My husband had already left the marriage and was just fulfilling his own desires. He never told me and I was too foolish to recognize how disrespectful of me and our children he was being. Divorce at 50 is so much better than being married to a manipulative creep! And all 4 of my children are healthy independent loving adults who benefited from family and individual counseling. I’m now 60 and my first grandchild was born 2 weeks ago. My daughter-in-law asked me to move in and help them for the first month. Life doesn’t get better than this.
Counselor here. This is unfortunately very common. The extremes or severity vary, but severe & persistent anger and depression in many men often stems from sexually related sin. The men who are willing to seek help and own their problem are incredible humans who are genuinely suffering the shame of their behavior and want to change. The men who lie, minimize, and/or manipulate are beyond hope. Maybe they will own their issues in the future. But if they haven't, despite the wife and children suffering repeatedly, it's time to move on. I am SO sorry you went through this. Thank goodness you have the encouragement and strength of other healthy people in your life!
@@chelsmaria I needed to hear this. As far as I know (but honestly wouldn't be surprised) he hasn't cheated, but he is a diagnosed porn addict. He lies, gaslights, manipulates, and does what I call the "Jekyll and Hyde routine." He's even admitted he lies and gaslights but it's always "I'm trying to get better about not doing it" but I'm so tired of the constant whiplash and walking on eggshells. His favorite thing is "I forgot" or "I don't remember that" afterwards so there's literally no way to talk or work through it. He'll just get angry and somehow I always end up at fault. When he's Jekyll, when he's being nice, it's so hard because that shimmer of hope appears that maybe he's actually trying but it never lasts long. 15 years is a lot of time but I can't keep doing this forever. More and more I see there's only one path forward now. Sucks, but I can't keep trying when it's one sided.
@@ashvaela7934 then please move on and not waste anymore time. Y’all deserve better than this and know that this isn’t normal there is better out there. They don’t care about anyone but themselves
My husband also suffers from anxiety and depression. I can very much relate to this caller. We've been married for over 20 years and I've done my best to be loving, supportive and understanding, but it takes its toll on you, the marriage and the kids. Too many years went by before my husband realized that it wasn't up to me or anyone else to "fix" him, and that waiting around for it to somehow go away on it's own was not going to work. He's against medication (after learning as a First Reaponder/EMT first hand how it can increase your chances of suicide), but has made other lifestyle changes (diet, supplements, exercise, hobbies, positive friendships, sleep, change of job, EFT, etc) to help himself. Taking charge of his mental illness made the biggest difference. It's not completely gone and probably never will be, but it's much more manageable, he's very functional and our home life is so much better. When depressive episodes surface, instead of giving in to his misery, he's more likely to ask himself, "What's going on here? What do I need?" 18 years is a long time to suffer. I hope that for everyone's sake her husband can finally get to this point as well.
I don’t know if it’s anxiety but my husband suffers from the similar thing but in an existential kind of way! His life is so busy with work and yet the rest of our family and I are standing still watching him ‘run around’ doing a lot. 19 yrs on and he’s still does this! And I’ve noticed he gets uncomfortable when he’s trying to relax.
What this caller is enduring, and what she has to do to try to save her marriage is terrifying and heartbreaking. She's been dealing with this the better part of twenty years. She Loves her husband so much and only feels him pulling away from her. I'm praying that Dr. John's advice works, and that the husband gets the help he needs to process his trauma in a healthy way. That child deserves both parents in the home, experiencing Love and devotion from them both.
I do volunteer work in Yemen and Syria. We have children who lost their feet in the war crawling through the dirt and broken glass because there is a shortage of wheelchairs and crutches. Babies with their rib cages exposed. Kids wearing the same dirty clothes for weeks. When these kids get an ear infection the doctor tells them they have enough medicine to cure the infection in one ear. 6 and 7 year old children have to decide which ear they would like to hear from for the rest of their life. These children eat every 5-6 days. Your concept of "terrifying" is hilarious.
Before the call, I was all set to take his side but after hearing he won't seek help, I'm with her. I have BEEN THERE, in the dark depression where he is. I know just how dark it is and only by God's grace I didn't do myself a harm. But I sought help. Nobody can do this but him.
This stuff is spiritual. We must cast our burdens on Christ. I had deep depression & anxiety for decades. Repressed grief, guilt, childhood trauma and more. Also,.I opened doors messing with occult. Once I gave it all to Christ. Renounced and repented for my bitterness , mental illness gone! 6 years free.
@@danilaroche1156you know, I’m not a very good Christian. Honestly, I don’t call myself one because I feel like it might be a lie if I did. But I can tell you 2 times in my life I prayed so hard to Jesus, please help me. Once while thinking about ending my life and the next time while my abusive husband was on his knees begging me to let him come back. Both times he answered. He gave me my children’s laughter to snap me out of my crazy thoughts. He gave me this sudden numbness so I didn’t feel anything when I told my ex to leave, like a cold shower, no pain, no guilt, no fear. I’m so glad you are well. And I think you are right. ❤
Facts. It’s like I’m miserable and I gave up and I’m going to make you miserable too by not getting help….I’m going to keep burdening you and you are my wife so you’re obligated to stay.
My heart goes out to this woman. I was there and I had that conversation with my husband. And he responded with divorce papers. At least the hell was finally over. I hope her story turns out differently because they have a child. We didn't and I ended up marrying that friend who, like John's Todd, dropped everything and tried so hard to help. It's been a long time and I couldn't be happier. There is so much hope out there. It just looks different for everyone.
I may be wrong, but most, or at least a lot, of men get depressed because they are not happy or fullfiled in their marriages, but just keep the agony going for way too long. People, men or women, should not deal with people who won't help themselves for this long.
This phone call had me in tears. My husband struggles with anxiety and depression, and we’ve walked through some low valleys. I pray that woman finds the courage and strength to do what she can to reach him, and accept whatever comes of it. Thank you for every word you advised.
@@manonhighvibrationRead the comments and see if You can learn something. MEN GENERALLY DON'T SEEK HELP. So if it were the other way around, she wouldnt be so entitled and selfish.
I grew up with a depressed father, who have always refused to acknowledge his problem and get professional help. I WISH MY MOM HAD LEFT HIM AND TOOK ME AND MY SISTER AWAY FROM HIM. When you have a family you have the responsibility of being mentally stable for them, or at least try your best. People who are judging this woman have no idea how a situation like this damages the other members of the family.
Same I'm 38 and my day is still nothing but a pathetic weak depressed man pulling my mom down. It's nothing but a waste of a life and everyone in the family has to tip toe and Everything is always about there depression. Imagine a child's whole childhood being about a depressed father. It's just so insanely selfish my dad didn't choose help though he choose alcohol as medication. Always wish my mom left him and choose us but she made her bed and I don't feel sorry for either of them anymore.
@@danielallan8061how are they bullying when they are speaking about their actual life experience you sound like a pansy wittle baby’s who needs a bottle and to be burped after. Grow up. Nobody has to tip toe around your feelings that person stated a fact about their life. Everything is bullying when you’re a snow flake. Life is stuff. Wear a helmet weirdo
My childhood household was this situation….I can tell u this dynamic breaks the kid’s spirit. It effected my family greatly and me and my siblings struggle to this day because our parents didn’t care enough to try and work things out. They refused a divorce but cling to denial and no communication.
Seen a father with controlled rage. When it broke through, it was usually directed at himself, but it was terrifying. Late nights hearing him rage and mother trying to talk him off a ledge. Threatening to kill pets who got loose and annoyed neighbors. Deep anger when a child failed at schoolwork. Unfortunately, the stereotype is only women are emotional, but anger and rage and depression are a significant male problem. Looking back, I have compassion for his agony, but children carry emotional scars nonetheless.
Depression is becoming such a huge issue in many parts of the world. I feel sorry for the caller and her son. I hope it works out for her and her family.
We live such crap lives. So many people work extremely long hours and struggle to make connections. There's so many lonely and sad people who don't have any friends. And if they manage to find a partner and have children strangers have to raise them because you have to work so many hours. Then healthcare and many places including the United States is terrible so you can't afford to lose your job even if they abuse you.
@@HadassaMoon144would you rather live 500 years ago? Maybe live to 30 or 40? If you got through childbirth which was unlikely .. painful death was inevitable, food short, existence was stark. Men went to war, died young, women were chained to a cattle cycle of childbearing from adolescence .. Im glad we are alive when we are.
Depression is almost always in the mind. People are living lives in their minds that are not their reality. If more people got out of their own heads and accepted what reality really is around them the rates of depression would be lower.
I feel for her. I was the depressed person in my marriage after I lost a child, so I get it. The thing is , there’s nothing she can do. He has to at least try to accept help. I didn’t want help either but once I started on medication, I was able to see how depressed I truly was. Medication can be life changing. I hope he accepts the help.
How do you comment on this call? I’m sitting here weeping. It’s been over 25 years since he’s been gone and it still hurts so much. He had gone for help and was on antidepressants, but they didn’t help. Maybe they made it worse. For the last few months his only topic of discussion was “his depression”. That’s all I ever heard from him, his depression. Our once happy house was turned into “ his depression”. It was like I was being beaten over the head with it. He had been such a sweet and wonderful man, but depression turned him into something I was afraid to be around. I know how desperately he wanted to feel better, all the supplements he’d take hoping to find that magic pill that would make him feel better, but they just caused an awful mix in his body. He didn’t listen to me when I begged him not to take all that stuff with his prescribed meds. Yes, I heard complaints about our house too. How he believed the fridge wasn’t cold enough and how he believed there was so much wrong with the house that he claimed it wasn’t worth much. At the funeral, just as we were about to put his coffin in the ground, his mom came up to me and said she’d been giving some of her very strong psych meds too. He was a dutiful son and stopped over at her house every day on the way home from work to check on her. All I can think is all those meds made him so confused. I’d asked him to see a different doctor, one who wasn’t so ready to push pills on him, someone he could talk to. He refused. He refused to let me go with him to see his doctor too. I’ll never forget that night. Never. I was home in the family room downstairs watching TV. 8:45 pm. When he got home from work. He said he was tired and going up to bed. A little while later I heard a crash upstairs. I thought one of the pets had knocked something over and went to investigate. I saw the bathroom door was locked. We never locked that door. I thought he might be hurt. I called his name. No answer. I rattled the doorknob, the door wouldn’t budge. By now I was shouting his name and shaking. No answer. All I knew was I had to get there to him. I was in complete panic. I slammed my hip against the door trying to get it open, again and again I slammed against that door, harder and harder. Finally with as much force as I could muster. The door gave way. ( Much later I discovered I’d slammed against that door so hard that I’d fractured my own pelvis). I literally fell into the room. Shock came over me at what I saw. There he was, fallen back into the tub from the force, a huge hole in the middle of his chest and the shotgun poised on the side of the tub. Somehow I made it downstairs to the phone to call 911. When the paramedics, the police, the firemen got there I kept saying, over and over, ‘Maybe if I’d done CPR he’d be ok’. He was gone. One minute we’d had sweet plans, promises of a future together, and the next it was all gone. He was all gone. Did you know that after they take the body away they don’t clean up? It’s up to the family to do that. Do you know that it leaves you with nightmares to have to wash your husbands blood and exploded heart bits off your walls and floors? I know. I’ve had those nightmares. For years that image of him there, dead, was like it was burned into my eyes and I saw the world through that image. It took me many years to emotionally get back to a place where I could claim I had any kind of ‘ a life’ again. To find my own way. Thousands and thousands of times since I’ve relived that night and those last days always wondering why I didn’t see it, and what could I have done, being haunted by the things I had no idea how to change. (He’d also left a financial mishmash to figure out) I have managed to find some kind of a life for myself, done good things, adopted children, a family. But I couldn’t bear to marry again. And 25+ years later I still feel the pain. I’m an accomplished person, but I’d give it all up just to have him back again. So, please, if you’re depressed, get help, please. Don’t allow anyone that you love or that loves you go through this kind of pain. Our lives are not really our own, they belong, in part, to everyone that we love and that loves us. We belong, in part, to everyone around us.
This is the saddest thing I’ve ever read and yet I understand it. I am so sorry for your loss. My worst fear is this. I think about it every day. When he starts talking about life insurance or he comes home drunk again. At three different stages in his life- middle school, late twenties and again in late thirties his best friend at those times- died by their own hands. Three. This last one he has not recovered from. The second one he cleaned up the mess in the back of the truck and still drives it. Since the last one he is not the same. He has slowly unraveled until it came to a head this time last year. He had been hiding a pain pill problem from me for several years but it had been starting to come apart. Then last year he began buying from strangers bc his reg source couldn’t keep up anymore. These were not the same. They were laced with meth and fentanyl. He did not know this. From august last year, I noticed something was off in Oct, then he had an work head injury in Nov and I blamed strange behavior on that until after Christmas. Early Jan I spoke with a friend who had concerns as well. Feb he was unrecognizable. We staged intervention. He went left early and promised to finish outpatient therapy and go to meetings. He has not. Now he drinks. Every day. I don’t recognize him anymore. Yet I don’t know what to do. I am so unhappy. If I mention anything he takes off and gets drunk and doesn’t come home for the night. I am so tired of walking on eggshells. I have hidden as much as possible from our teen kids. They love him very much but they do not know all the things he has put me through. I am broken inside and know what I need to do but he threatens to take himself out if I leave.
@@ashleyh1897 Omg! How sad. He needs some kind of intervention. The alcohol and illegal drugs won’t make anything better. My late husband did OTC supplements, loads of them, about 20. Then he’d wonder why his stomach was upset. I tried to tell him it wasn’t a good idea to do that, but he wouldn’t listen. I completely understand the phrase walking on eggshells. I had that feeling too, afraid that anything I said would make things worse or set him off into a further downward spiral. Many prayers for you and for the caller. May our loved ones find healing.
Do you want the depressed him back? Personally, I don’t want that darkness in my house. I do my best to maintain my mental health and I do a pretty good job, but I am not responsible for everybody else, and neither are you either you
@@Jane5720 Dead is dead! Once someone is dead there is absolutely no hope that they could get better. Up until about 2 years before that things were ok. Then his dad died. His dad had a long prolonged illness and had been in the hospital for almost a year, when he came out of the hospital he’d been confined to a wheelchair for 10 years then finally died. My late husband adored his dad and blamed his dads whole illness on himself because just before his dad got sick he had taken his dad on a camping trip. My husband believed his dad had ‘picked up some virus’ on that camping trip that led to his illness. He was so convinced of that. Then when his dad died it triggered his downward spiral into deep depression. As I discovered after my husband died near the end he was suffering the side effects of his own psych meds ( I think he was taking extra doses), mixed with all the OTC supplements (he’d take about 15+ of a variety of supplements daily), plus the very strong psych meds of his moms that she was giving him every day ( she’d had psych issues most of her life and had electric shock tx previously). I think all those meds were making him worse, confused even, I don’t think he even realized the finality of what he was doing. Yes, I’d rather have him alive than dead. He was a good man. Even if part of the solution was that we’d have to separate for awhile, or that he’d have to have inpatient care, somehow we could have figured it out. But when someone is dead all hope is gone. Dead is final, it’s no joking matter, I person doesn’t come back from dead.
@@ashleyh1897- You need to leave, especially if he is using his illness to make you stay. That's manipulation. Why would he get better if he knows he won't lose anything because he has you convinced that he will end it if you leave? Time for him to grow up. It also sounds like he may be cheating. Where does he go when he stays out all night?
I have no sympathy for someone who refuses help at the expense of their partner and family. Your family is not required to take your abuse because you dont feel like even trying to fix yourself.
This is ice cold. That is akin to saying, "If someone puts a gun in their mouth they might as well pull the trigger if they refuse to help themselves". No body chooses to be in this mental state. It's hell and I've been there. When you're trying to talk someone down off the ledge they often feel they don't want, or can't be helped. We don't just throw our hands up and let them jump.
@@Pikwhipno what's ice cold is making your family miserable for years and expecting them to continue putting up with it without question. I spent years with a depressed partner. It takes a huge toll on you as a person. I was so emotionally burned out by the end I had to leave for self-preservation. You cannot save someone who doesn't want to save themselves. Guess what? After I left he finally got help.
@@mw6346so get therapy for your relationship instead of forming a harmful generalization, everyone here is so self absorbed. Everyone on the internet suffers from the fundamental attribution error, and the self serving bias. It refers to the tendency in people to interpret behaviors in certain ways. In general, people tend to see others failures in terms of disposition attributions-that is, in terms of character flaw. But on the other hand, people see their OWN failures as being due to understandable and excusable circumstances. Simply put, when it’s a failure for yall , it’s because of an understandable and excusable scenario, but if someone else has a failure in their life? Oh nah, they’re just a piece of shiz. And you guys don’t hesitate to let it be known.
Carrie I know this is scary. This has been my life. It doesn't fix itself. My husband isn't a workaholic but an alcoholic with no real friends. Our kids are raised and out of the house. The loneliness is crushing. Dr John thank you for your transparency.
@@Ka_GgGuys often don't make meaningful friendships, just shallow ones and then they Wonder why they feel lonely when they can't even find one friend they could trust with their feelings and talk about their problems
@@poluv9898 years ago there were lots of clubs and organizations that were either male only or male dominant. My grandpa was in a bunch. Those are mostly gone now. There are a few around my neighborhood but almost everyone in it is very old. They knew something the younger generations didn't. You are starting to see these types of things with RUclips creators. Many will make meet ups. Since RUclips is a male dominant social media platform, you see guys become friends with other guys.
I've seen male youtubers getting friends with other male youtubers. And what is sad- first drama, first misunderstanding or difference in opinion. They split. And I don't talk about one example. There are so many. My favourite youtubers were bunch of guys playing games togheter, doining meeting ups and few years later they all hate each other and say it was all for public, nothing real. And it is even worse outside youtube. My father is a great example of shallow male freindship. He has a bunch of friends when they want money or drink a beer but he has nobody to watch a match with or talk to when he argue with my mom. My mom is his only friend but you can't complain about you wife to her because it is stupid xd i feel bad for those kind of men, because back in school there were many like that. Boys had their group until one of them had a problem (in home or mental) then they stoped hanging out and left the "problematic" ones. Because they didn't want to support others, listen to them, just hang out, have fun- and that's nit a real freindship, it's not onky good things but also problems and overcoming them togheter. I think women have more compassion and empathy, so they create those kind of valuable freindships more often. Anyway loneliness is common nowadays because of social media addiction and lack of social interactions, it is a both gender thing although more common for men,
Mens depression and anxiety presents itself as anger vs sadness. I have totally been here. You feel like youre drowning and you and the kids are going downhill together. Then everyone on the outside is very judgemental cause hubby isnt a "bad" person so they dont get it.
Depression is inside you, it’s all you. It has nothing to do with kids or wife if you have a good family. YOU are the only one who can make the decision to help yourself and change something about your life. I struggle with depression everyday.
Its not about the person being bad but some of the actions are bad for others and at some point people just ask themselves how cruel can one be to keep doing this knowing your family suffers from your actions. Or in this case non-action. By doing nothing you decide to make it worse and thats what people are pissed about. Rightfully so. If someone diminishes depression or says it's not that bad - those are not even worth a second of your time. It's just that our actions have consequences - and we have to owe up to them.
I remember suffering from terrible depression. I was assaulted as a child, I went to the police as an adult, they got a confession and told me even though they knew he did it, the statute of limitations was up only 3 months before. I was so low. I was in medication that didn’t help. I didn’t know what to do so I asked my husband for help, got nothing. Told a friend I needed help, I was gonna die here, she disappeared on me. I was in my closet thinking about how I was gonna end it when I heard my sons’ laughter. I decided, if not for me, then for them until I could find something in me to live for. I now have a new husband, better friends, and my boys are grown. It was a hard road, it was a lot of having to rely on myself, changing doctors and therapists, trial and error. But my life is better now.
It’s so messed up that there’s even a statute of limitations for the worst crime that someone could commit! Nevada’s statute used to be four years!! It’s like lawmakers and policy makers are the ones committing these crimes in large numbers and are only protecting themselves 😒
John, is an amazing man to simply share his own personal life crisis with us all. More people in this world need to recognise mental health as being a normal aspect of lufe. We all have life stressors and it is peoples ability to cope with love and support that can determine overall outcome. Lockdown in the past 24 months has created increase in mental health for our younger generation. Goodluck to the caller who loves her husband very much.
My biggest shortcoming is that I could never put up with such a situation. I am not willing to put my life on hold for anyone for that long. I have a life to live and staying, praying and hoping for the best that someone gets better equals to squandering what precious moments I have left in this world.
This call really hit home, my husband shows depression symptoms, has been unemployed for a year, has frequent binge eating episodes with junk food (and he has T2D), doesn't do anything around the house and doesn't even shower regularly anymore, treats me very poorly (not violent). He refuses to get help. I'm exhausted. I've learned not to count on him anymore... The only thing keeping me from leaving are the rental prices in my area... I feel trapped and suffocated...
Don't give up on your husband encourages him to get help marriage is for better or worst pray and God will give you the strength. Don't forget it could be the other way around its hard but try if he refused to get help and you have exhausted everything that will free you and you can move on without guilt.
Invest in you. Go to counseling. The counselor can walk you through the steps to save yourself and how to best support your husband whether or not you choose to stay with him.
I was in a similar situation. 10 yrs and 2 kid's. I did similar things in this video. I was dying inside aside from the physical, verbal and mental abuse. Dealing with his addiction too. I was told to be supportive not to leave him when he was having a tough time. To pray more and be patient. 10 yrs he was like this in the marriage separate for 4 yes now and he's still having a "tough time". His kid's 15 and 13 do not want to see him anymore as he causes them so much turmoil. I pray that you do what is best for you. I know I had to save myself and my children.
After you’ve had the conversation with the lights on and music off, you could visit a friend for 2 weeks and a family member another 2 weeks (and not communicate with him for a month). Maybe giving each other some space to breathe and then come back for a date night to talk about what y’all missed and didn’t miss about living together. As Dave says, To be clear is being kind. Praying for a miracle for y’all, but it might come after doing some hard things
I've been that depressed/anxious person. I got out of it for my daughter, who deserved to have a whole mother. I realized I wasn't hiding it. I got help, and that's when I realized the depths of my depression. She deserves someone who will lean into healing. Hope her husband is able to respond to Dr Delony's suggestions.
This hit me close to home because I’m not only the depressive, but also a wife of a depressed person who refuses to seek help. I’ve been getting treatment for depression, been in countless trauma recovery with counselling. I’ve hurt my husband through my own selfish actions, but it’s time for us to turn on the lights and stop the music. I cannot continue with the life we co-created.
My parents lived like this for over 50 years and we as children were dragged thru it too. Nothing ever changed, no one sought help. Then at 78 yrs old my father unalived himself and left my mother alone, helpless and terrified. I brought her to live with me and the saddest thing of all was her last 3 years without my father were the happiest she'd had since her own childhood. I hope the caller won't let her son be someone who tells the same story that I do.
Not at all saying this pertains to this situation, but my husband acted just like this for two solid years, and I did everything in my power to help him, with him, refusing to get outside help the entire time. He said he was severely depressed due to his mother being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, and I believed him 100%. It turns out he had been having a two year affair and couldn’t figure out if he wanted to end our marriage for the other woman or not. I ended the marriage when I found out. Again, not saying this is what this lady is going through but for me, his depression was really a covered up affair. Either way she has every right to move on if he continues to refuse to get help.
Yes generally men who ate depressed(nothing bad obvious happening in their lives) have created their own torment(cause why not? Right?) With p@rn addiction or lust. Alot of suicides I believe are due to how.far the path of lust takes you. Sad. Wish they would flee from that stuff. Again, speaking generally, not totally.
I think both can be correct. Men tend to turn to other women that he considers to be fun time (an affair) because the affair woman probably isn’t seeing the sides you are seeing. Men like this tend to like the high of things which he is not getting from his wife that is fighting in her power to keep things going. Especially when the wife probably has lost her quirks because she hook on the responsibility of being a care giver. It’s not your fault at all, it’s just more so goes to show that it’s not our jobs to be a care taker to someone that is grown
Living this now. Gonna start doing exactly what he said. Thank you Dr. John. Even if it doesn’t go the way I hope it does, it’s nice to have an action plan and not feel so stuck
I hate to admit it but when I wrote my “list” for an ideal future husband I asked God that he would not have mental health issues… I think we all have them in some mild to extreme form or another but my ex had clinical depression and wow… like woah… I realised I wasn’t an appropriate partner for someone like that. He was also very abusive and I absolutely understood why, I knew his traumas and I knew of his depression and deep anxiety but one day I just thought nuh uh I can’t do this anymore, whatever happened to him was not my fault and I will never again be with someone so troubled. And today, my fiancé is an answered prayer. That’s all I’m gonna say.
I really feel for people like her. I went through a severe depression for years and my partner put up with it, helped me as much i'd let him and he never left. I can't imagine how hard it had to be on him.
You don’t have to stay with a partner that constantly brings you down for years at a time, it is their own demons and you don’t have to participate if you don’t want to because you have your own life to lead and you need to value yourself at least that much to do that
Happened to me. 10 yrs and 2 kid's. My children and I suffered so much because I was told to be the supportive wife. We separated 4 yrs and he's still "going through a tough time" my kid's and I are in therapy, counseling and trying to recover. They are thriving little by little this wouldn't of happened if I stayed.
@z.m4825 thank you. It was a difficult choice. I felt like a failure for years. But God healed that in me. But my kid's are still having a tough time. But we will get through this together. Our tribe is us 3.
Been a caregiver for a relative who has experienced depression for some time and now is recovering from a TBI on top of it, further reinforcing their sense of helplessnes and victomhood. It is difficult to remain optimistic when you share a living space with someone who is clinging to a "poor me" attitude. Hasn't even been 3 years and I am ready to move on. God bless this caller, hope she can stick to the marriage vows, "for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health" because that's the hand we get dealt sometimes. Were I the suffering party, I would hope that my loved ones would be able to stick it out with me, hence why I do my best to be there for my relative.
I'm very sorry you are going through this. I pray he seeks help. We can't always deal with things by ourselves. It's not a weakness to get treatment. My fiance' is actively trying to get help for his severe depression and anxiety. If you feel led to, you can show him this response. He is not alone, and neither are you.
@@sanamuhammad97 yeah hes better his friend gave him a PC. The issue is hes injured and in constant pain and he feels so useless because hes bringing in no income. At least gaming can take his mind off things
@jesus1stsatan2nd put him out. You are enabling him. The more you support him by allowing him to sit on his ass and play videos games, the worse he will feel. He is useless because he is not doing anything.
Same here. The last 6 of 18 years have been hell. His best friends unalived himself and it’s like he loved him more than me and our kids. I am so tired of the doom and gloom and negativity. He was on pain pills bought one bad batch that was laced with meth and fentanyl and rock bottom he went. I forced him to rehab. He left early made promises to go to meetings and finish his emdr but never did. Now He drinks to numb and I can’t stand it. I’m miserable. I don’t trust him and I can’t look at him the same anymore but at the same time I don’t know how to be without him. I tell him I need space and time and he threatens suicide which makes me feel terrible.
My ex was like this, and it affected my own health (mental and physical) to the point where I had to break it off because I was just so damn tired. I fought so much to help him, but hit a point where I became almost apathetic towards it all. Once I recognised that feeling, I knew I couldnt stay
And it’s because the partners that are willing to stay, really aren’t okay with what’s going on, in the end either. So much resentment build up because people continue with things they aren’t okay with.
I love how you helped her. It was helpful to me too. And i feel badly so many comments were harsh on her. She DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!! so glad she called. Maybe she can make it work with his help. Im in this situation and its much harder than easy answers.
The man lost his Mom. Can you understand that is if not one of the most traumatic thing we can go through? Can you not understand that it doesn't take a month or a couple years then it's fine again? Can you not understand that follows you forever? Can understand that he lost his mother in a tragic way? Can you not understand that, that also take time to heal? Can you not understand his family is broken so he is going through something forreal? But I guess when we have the problems we're supposed to be better in these crazy timelines, when women can have time to grieve and people will understand. Can you not understand he is a man? Meaning unlike you women, we have to find time to grieve and people won't understand and we have to keep on moving too like nothing happened. Y'all weird
I mean, look at the title, it's like she's talking about leaving someone who's going through something. I would think my lady would be there for me and would have the decency to understand that what I'm going through is hard and will support and love me through it and won't give me no stupid ass timeline to forget about it and just move on, it takes real time to move on from that
@@jaybah836but he doesn’t want to get help so she should be in one side marriage until she dies . I don’t say divorce but u can be marry an live a part . No need for her mental health to go down. Plus she already doing everything alone
I was married to a man who I now know had BPD. He had major depression and anxiety as well as other issues. When I tried to discuss our relationship he would become incensed and say “how can you ask anything of me when you have everything and I have nothing?” That was his way of refusing and excusing himself to do anything to make things better. After 7 years, we separated for 6 months. I was so much happier. Changed the locks on all the doors. Enough of that toxic behavior. And believe it or not he was shocked when I finally filed for divorce. No more chances. Never saw him in person again and I felt so free. Met my now husband 3 mos later, married many happy years!
And you are so proud of the fact that you abandoned your ex-husband, the man you vowed to be with in sickness and in health, for better or for worse. I hope if you ever get sick, your current husband doesn't change the locks on you. But if he does, don't be mad.
@@dlyras Nobody was abandoned. He moved into an apartment on his own when we separated. His idea. . He refused to seek therapy. He had many chances and blew them all. . I was patient, much more so than he deserved. If anyone abandoned anything, it was him for not doing his part. Nobody should be in a one sided relationship. Yes, I’m very proud of the fact I was able to exit an extremely toxic and unhealthy relationship and rebuild my life. And I would advise anyone in a similar position to do the same.
@@mfrance3834 I don’t believe in toxic relationships. Was he toxic when you married him? I doubt it otherwise you wouldn’t have married him. Something probably happened which pulled his life off course and you failed as a wife to help steer him back on track. Even a drug addict can put his life right with the right kind of people around him. I just find it really ironic that when men walk away from their wives going through depression or illness, they are shamed for it and called weak. But when women do the same, it’s celebrated (as you have just done) and seen as an accomplishment. In any case, as I said I hope if you are ever in ill health your current husband sticks around. Marriages are tested when the seas are rough, not when the seas are calm. It’s very easy to claim a successful marriage when both of you are in good health and have no serious problems to overcome. But life is truly unpredictable and can change on a whim.
Nobody has the right to tell her she should stay in the marriage. If she stays her mental health and physical health will decline and she will put herself in an early grave. She can't "save" or "fix" her husband and its not her job. No matter how good your intentions its impossible to help someone that isn't making an effort to help themselves. Her husband needs to take full responsibility for his healing and recovery. Too much is expected from the wife. I can only imagine how miserable she she has been for years. Everyone has a breaking point.
@@OmahaTonyG no, it is not the spouse’s(husband or wife) job heal their spouse. You can’t heal anyone. You can support your spouse but you cannot heal your spouse. Your spouse is the one that is ultimately responsible for their own healing and fixing.
I agree. I chose to attempt to help my ex before I exited....to see if he would join me in healing. He threw it in my face and laughed. In his mind, nothing was wrong. With him or our marriage. 😢 I tried, and when he refused, I left.
@@starlingswallow I’m sorry you had to endure that. Your ex was selfish for not wanting to work on the marriage with you. I always say the number one reason for divorce is selfishness.
He absolutely MUST seek help. It's not okay to live like this as a family long-term. I have a family member who is obviously depressed but won't change his life or seek help. He just puts his hoodie up, sulks on his phone, and ignores his family. His kids have followed his example, and it breaks my heart.
You guys, his mom died 1️⃣8️⃣ years ago when they JUST started dating . She isnt saying “omg his mom was just murdered and his brother is involved, he needs to snap out of it ! “ It shows how empathetic she is because she is trying to find the reason why he is so disconnected from his nuclear family.
@@z.m4825 I guarantee if it was a woman going through that same thing, you would've been like she needs all the time to grieve. It could come back at anytime
This story hits home for me. My husband had a rare illness about 13 years ago. He was in the hospital and almost died. He now has severe nerve damage which causes him to be in constant pain. We both have health issues and many days we can't do the things we want to do. We just work (self employed) and sleep. I think he suffers from depression too. He doesn't beleive there is a problem. But I have done some much alone over the years. He just shuts down when I say he might be depressed, or if I tell him I am lonely. It is terrible to know we have worked all of our lives and are close to retirement but we are both in such bad health we can't enjoy life. We both had tramatic childhoods. I won't ever leave him, he is such a wonderful man. But it is very hard.
@@sheilakilby5162 My father was the same way with his Parkinson's - wouldn't admit he was depressed. He was always very positive and I was the only family member who could see the depression. It took him getting delusional during a hospital visit to have Seroquel prescribed. It was a super low dose, just 25 mg. The delusions were gone by the time he came home but he stayed on the Seroquel and it completely took away his depression. It was so wonderful to see his zest for life return. It also allowed him to sleep deeply at night. Maybe speak with his doctor and see if he can try something out at a low dose.
People need to understand that you cannot help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.. it starts with them! They need to seek help themselves otherwise you are only nagging them
I’ve been there (supported a depressed partner for years). If you refuse to seek help from the appropriate specialist services or others and place it all, even once you are told the toll it’s taking on your partner, that’s a conscious decision to put your partner under serious strain. I did everything I could for my ex, everything, for years, but her persistent refusal to engage with help, even when all kids of different arrangements were made for her over years, is what killed it.
I set a boundary with my ex, after he would trauma dump on me and I told him I could not handle his massive depression and issues from a TBI, that he refused to get treatment for. My ex has never dealt with his trauma, then has trauma related to his job and then expects me to just handle his depression and his up and down personality. I had to leave. I offered to take him to counseling and he refused. Take care of yourself sister. Protect that child. I'm sorry, telling her to lean in and keep helping him, he needs some clinical help. It's not her job. Stop putting this on care givers.
The advice he gave her was not "stay, no matter what". His advice was mean't to give her a starting point, an empowerment, a voice, some hope - to be able to say "our way of living together & you not taking responsibility for your life needs to change". I will be there for you every step of the way,(that is the leaning in part he mean't) will fight for you, for us - if you choose to change - come hell or highwater, or I will have to go it alone if you choose to not make the choices needed to make our home, and life together, a healthy, thriving partnership. He was talking about her excepting that there will be either a breaking point or a making point once she has that conversation with her husband that draws the line in the sand. That was why she was crying - knowing that conversation has to happen, and knowing he may say "no". She has been running for years from that conversation because she has been afraid he will say "no". She has been excepting crumbs because she doesn't want to lose him, but she lost herself in the process.
There’s a responsibility to having depression, and that is not affecting the people around you. It sounds harsh but you still have responsibility and to try and deal with it. It’s very lonely but it’s important. Having the wherewithal to be hyper aware of not bringing anyone else down helps keep you on track, and knowing how to deal with it alone.
This is such an important issue.... many of us struggle with a spouse with diagnosed and undiagnosed health issue. How do we reconcile these kinds of o issues? My husband has ADHD, cognitive decline, Charcot Marie Tooth, Disease and arthritis in his knee. He will not get a diagnosis or treatment for his issue. Everything in our life revolves around his issue and we are both miserable. My religious friends tell me that "in sickness and in health" but what if his issues are all-encompassing and making us both miserable. The stress is thick, and I just want to be out of the house when he is home.
Ma'am the grass is not always greener. Most women think like that only to find out it is not. When a women remarries the divorce rate jumps up from 50% to 75% on their seond marrige in which 80% of the time the women initiates the divorce.
Does he do his duties as a husband? You guys may need some intense therapy, together and separate. You might learn some new tools to persuade him to get healthy. It does fall on your husband to want to get better. Maybe he needs a support group of friends to achieve that. Stay strong i believe you can make it through
Yes, in sickness and in health, so you do have a duty to stick by him. But he also has a duty to take care of his body for you, because his body no longer belongs to himself, but to you, and vice versa. Remind him of that duty. If you are Christians, you made that oath before God, so when one doesnt fulfill their oath, it's not just letting you down, but God. It goes much further than that but if you're not a Christian, it's kind if pointless to elaborate in great detail in that aspect. Main point; your husbands body is not his own anymore, and it's his duty to take care of himself so he can care for you in the long run. Let em know how much it stresses you out and how much it hurts to watch him go through that pain and not do anything about it. He will respond. You can do this, bring it before God and He will set it right.
If you can handle being on your own, then divorce. If your vision is getting married again, to a great guy…..don’t do it. Dating is a nightmare and not worth it. If you stay married, then go out with friends, family and do fun things. You don’t have to babysit him
Depression is real. But as long as you tried and tried to get that person help but still haven't made any improvements, it's time to move on. Sometimes the depressed will get motivated again when they realize what they really love is no longer part of their daily lives. Good luck to this woman and her family.
@@WillIam79-c7fu can stay an become depressed urself , an what them do nothing. While u take care of ever thing work kids clean cook, take care them . An hope they don’t get anxiety when you leave the house so then you have to stay home. An fights or not saying anything at all
@@AnyaEightySevenit is, but being depressed is not so simple. Even the simple acts of being good to yourself are (hopefully temporarily) difficult let alone being good to someone else. And the knowledge that you’re not being a good partner just makes you feel worse about yourself..terrible cycle. But not an intentional one, I’d say, usuallt
Hope he has good friends by his side. My ex husband only surrounded himself with drunks. And when I reached out to a priest to come visit us and to have a talk with him, all my ex did was criticize and belittle the priest 🤦🏻♀️ Welp.. long story short.. he’s my ex for a reason.
a Priest (who many have a notorious reputation as sexual deviant pedophiles) probably wasnt the best option to seek help from. Did you ever think about getting him a licensed therapist?
@@boston312 it's important to remember that generalizations can be misleading. While it is true that some individuals within the Catholic Church have been involved in scandals, it's unfair to assume that all priests are the same. Many priests dedicate their lives to serving their communities and providing guidance and support to those in need. It's always good to judge individuals based on their actions rather than making assumptions about an entire group.
The Catholic church harbored known child molesters for decades. Who's to say they're not still doing it now? If they had done the right thing in the first place, perhaps people wouldn't generalize.
thats pretty hard to do when the Church as an institution went out of their way to transfer thousands of Priests to other countries to help avoid prosecution or any accountability for their crimes. I could also make the same argument that you shouldnt judge the Nazis or KKK on a general basis rather on an individual basis. @@RosannaRS
My SIL called a priest to help with alcoholic BIL, he got angrier than ever, said he was going to call his mother. SIL said she won't understand cuz shea a protestant. These things were said in front of their 5 yr old daughter, who told my 5 yr old daughter that she found out their gramma was a prostitute. So these 2 girls confronted their gramma, then problem grew rapidly. It all worked out eventually. I laughed my butt off.
I have suffered from depression for most of my life. It has always been head down enduring life for me. My husband had a severe migraine for years and finally had a breakdown. Treatment for that meant some serious anxiety and panic attacks. I stood by him when others told me to move on. I absolutely love my husband and he is one of the good ones. He a great guy. Six kids, 8 grandkids, and about 36 years of marriage. I still struggle with depression. He loves me, anyway.
This is just a mental prison for her. He’s making choices for her too and that’s not cool. You have to be willing to change and participate in life. And I say that AS a depressed person! No one owes me anything, my life is my own. He’s trying to escape feeling all the things…and that’s no way for her to live.
You’re responsible for your mindset when you’re leading a family. If you’re depressed, you need to do what you need to to get out of that funk. No spouse needs to stay if you’re not going to put in the work to be the best version of yourself for your marriage.
I know how this feels… I’ve only been in it for the past 8 years and thankfully my husband is now trying… but I know the pain of this. Keep praying for these marriages and the two people in them that God would become that connecting cord! “A cord of three strands is not easily broken.”
My husband suffers from depression and severe anxiety. He refuses help of any kind. Many days I’m very sad for him. I end up going places by myself because he refuses to go. I go camping by myself, to the store by myself, workout by myself, go to the movies by myself, and many evenings by myself because he goes to bed very early. The fact he refuses any help other than “meditation” with an online guru makes me realize he doesn’t care how this hurts me. Luckily, I know how to be alone and find happiness without him.
Discovered the same -- jokes on me. While I sought information on spousal depression, he was struggling with finding the day & right time to tell me....that he wanted a divorce. Now I am the one in depression - we had great friendship/marriage. It feels like I have been robbed of my best friend. No prior warning. He lied, every time I asked if he was ok/ did he want to talk - He would reply his job was depressing.
As someone who suffers from severe anxiety and depression.... It's 100% my own problems to solve. You can't just BE SICK for years and expect everyone around you to be miserable. It's not all about YOU. If you have a mental health issue, it is your responsibility to get help.... not your spouses. His avoidance is absolutely not okay. He is harming his entire family and acting like it's all about him. I would think differently if he was seeking treatment and taking steps to better himself..... but he's not. I'm glad John sought help, but you have to WANT help.
Bet you a million bucks the husband has PTSD from experiencing losing his mother to murder. Anxiety and depression can be so hard to heal form when we just address it as innate conditions that we treat with CBT. Ultimately, treating anxiety and depression is a bandaid when they stem from trauma. That might be why he is so hesitant to go to therapy, especially if he hasn't named it as trauma. On the other hand, love is holding your spouse accountable for seeking an end to suffering, for letting them know that as their spouse you cant see them hurting without hurting a bit yourself. I wish my mother had held my father accountable for seeking help with his mental health issues, which i now understand as trauma. Instead we danced around his moods until our house felt unsafe, unsettled, rather than a happy home.
My husband had it too. At some point he was like dead. I did not know how to help. But we started to go to the church, pray, be on the Liturgy every sunday and he started to get better after some time. At some point he changed menthaly and was himself again. ❤. Wish her to stay strong and not to give up.
I have anxiety and some depression and stay single. I go to therapy so I can get better and manage it. I am terrified I will be tiring for a partner. I don't want to do that to someone.
It’s pretty much hell for a person to live with a depressed spouse. You feel sad for them but also you feel so unloved when the person won’t hear your feelings and get help for you or for their children. The best thing you can do to help them is leave.
If you haven’t dealt with someone with mental illness be grateful! It’s a struggle for the family. Then if the person refuses help it’s so stressful & unfair to those around them.
My late husband was a bipolar, alcoholic. It wasn't bad when we first were together. I had no idea and the last couple years before he died. He was a full-blown alcoholic and he was diagnosed with bipolar. No medication until I made him take meds. And then he didn't want to take him anymore. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. This has nothing to do with the wife and kids. This is about mental illness that has to be addressed, but if they don't want help they can't get help. You can't force them.
I am crying 😢… this is me except my husband isn’t busy busy.. his drug is alcohol and he can barely leave the house.. it’s been years and I AM drowning… this video gave me clarity that the nudge inside me is right… can’t do life alone anymore unless I do it absolutely by myself… sad though cause you don’t get married thinking you will do life alone or become single afterwards.. 😔
Reminds me of my husband and I. In the beginning of our relationship, the first three months, things were great! It was fun, the sex good/often, etc. Then by month 4, he spiraled down into a really bad and scary depression. He was diagnosed in the past. Anyway, it was so sad and I worried about him ending his life. He’d power through work then get home and just break down in bed, not want to eat, or get up. I tried to be around him as often as I could, cuddle with him, bring him food, or just watch movies with together. Luckily he wasn’t against seeing a doctor and trying medications. It took a while for him to find the right medicine, but I will say the depression changed him. There were times he wouldn’t have sex with me for months, we wouldn’t get out and enjoy time together, he was always busy with projects. It got to a point where I wanted to leave, I felt he didn’t love me, that I wasn’t doing something right. He was also blunt with me about not wanting to go out, not feeling sexual, etc. Years down the line now, things are much better! I’d say what helped our relationship is him being willing to do things that will help address his mental health and also me communicating what the problems and how to fix it. Our communication style is straight forward, respectful, no yelling.
I dealt with this for 8 yrs. We talked so much about it. You can not want something so much for someone else no matter how hard you try. I finally left and never looked back. Later on I found out me leaving was the turning point for him & yrs later I know he is happy now, I wish him nothing but the best.
Do people not realise depression in some people causes them to be negative, moody, withdrawn, emotionally unstable, become very abrupt or lash out? Can’t you see how badly she is suffering too and she’s at her wits end because he is refusing to seek help. I had a family member who had depression for decades and I found about an hour a day was all I could take of her company after a while.
After our twins were born, we had a 4 year old son as well, my wife had a terrible bout with depression. It got to a point where getting dressed was a BIG deal. Post partum is and always has been the real deal, but seeing it that close and without her finding a Christian counselor, I don’t know where we would be today. She’s doing amazing and she’s equipped with the tools she needs to get through. Proud of her and love my woman. No doubt, tough year and a half.
@@willieverusethis It was a dicey year and a half and not once did I lose my love or respect for her, but for the safety of our kids, she sought counselling and who she is on the other side is incredible. It's been over 8 years now, our marriage is amazing and our kids are happy and thriving. Appreciate your encouragement.
I’m in this situation now. Married 12 years and filing for legal separation because he started using unhealthy things to cope that is affecting my kids and I. My husband is just now open to therapy because I’m filing for legal separation. I understand how she feels. It becomes to exhausting after a while
I can relate to where this woman is coming from. My husband is going through mid life crisis and has left me and our family whith no house to live in. He told me to tell everyone that he left me to work for Gods Kingdom, went living at one of the most beautiful bays here in Australia, where YWAM rents from a bible college, then May last year left Australia with money from church to help build emergency accommodation in Ukraine, yet left me homeless, living at a friend's house. So I wish we all new the future before marrying!
I was with a woman for 4 years who we thought we were soulmates and perfect for each other. I got injured getting into a fight with my sisters abusive boyfriend at the time. I was out of work for almost a year and my entire family took their side and turned on me even though I reach out to them for help immediately on it (3 years later they’re married with a kid). She never looked at me the same after that and we broke up a couple of years later. I feel like I may never find my someone, but that’s life. I hate the feeling you have to be perfect all the time, but that’s just life.
I was in a relationship where we were both depressed. I was fired from my dream job after transferring to another city, we were financially struggling, and he blamed himself for making me move states. He once came home late after work and told me he walked across a bridge and wasn’t sure if his life was worth crossing it all the way to the other side. That was a turning point for me. We talked about meds and therapy but neither of us did anything about it for years. When I finally found a job that had insurance to cover mental health, my first act was to find help; I found a counselor and got on meds. Throughout that time, my ex never took any actions to get better. Any attempts at asking him about his trauma/feelings was met with resistance or anger. He was insured the ENTIRE TIME we were together. I left him a year after I started getting better. I was saving myself, not punishing him.
I find this issue ends up very sexist: a woman is depressed, non communicative, no sex life; guys will tell the husband to get out of there. A GUY is depressed, not really seek help, meds-averse and his WIFE gets told she needs to stick it out- that leaving him is heartless. There is no gender here: your partner has a problem and WON'T SEEK HELP, you get to NOT BE A HOSTAGE.
I tried that with my ex husband. I went to my pastor and the men in our circle and even my dad. My ex just wouldn't engage. He only felt ok and authentic around the people and family from his trauma and addiction filled past.
My boyfriend suffers from ptsd, anxiety, depression and doesn't want counseling or any intervention. He says he knows what's best but isolates himself from both our families. I'm his only outlet which can be heavy. I go to counseling... thats my God send through this.
I tried to “rescue” my husband from his depression and he refused help for 15 years. I wanted to honor my vows so I stayed and I stayed as I got more unhappy with each year. I didn’t want to bring kids into that mess so we never had kids. Eventually I as much as I didn’t want to, I left for my own survival and really wasted my life trying to save someone who chose not to budge from his depression. It’s still his identity and I finally realized he has no desire to heal. He’s making someone else miserable now. He absolutely chose depression over me and over our marriage. If someone doesn’t have an interest in healing just leave, don’t wait 15 years. There’s no honor in staying with someone who will not seek help and doesn’t have any interest in recovering or how they are hurting the people closest to them.
I have been in the same position as this woman with an ex-girlfriend of mine, It is a very difficult situation to be in. It gets to a certain point where there isn’t a single part of your life that isn’t affected by your partners mental illness. It can be especially frustrating when your partner isn’t doing everything they can to help themselves and relies on you to try to make them feel better about themselves. You do need to be strong and supportive to a point, but past that it will do nothing but ruin your own life, and your own future being dragged down by someone who won’t help themselves. Many people like this don’t want help and they will not stop until everyone is just as miserable as them.
Best thing that could happen for you. Now, you can decide to heal. The first hurdle is to get past feeling sorry for yourself or blaming others for leaving. Time to be selfish and find what makes you happy, then you will attract other happy people again.
@@rtphotos4691 Imagine saying that to someone who's in dark hole. This is a really questionable reply. You can't just willpower your way out of something without a proper foundation.
@@StoneAgeWarfare - Show me where I wrote "willpower out of " anything. You may not understand depression, but I do. What I wrote is a reply to someone who has the same experiences that I did. I didn't start healing until I was alone. I'm still not out of the dark and may never be, but I will continue to be selfish about protect what little bit of happiness I do have. Ending up alone? That IS the best thing that could happen because it is in that alone-ness where we connect with ourselves. READ before reacting.
@@rtphotos4691 I do understand depression. I've had dysthymia for almost 10 years now. Personally, I have to disagree on the alone part, because I myself have grown a lot from solitary introspection, but I have also never felt the touch of a woman because of how emotionally disconnected I am from people. Depends on what you mean.
Depression comes from wanting to dig your heels in and feeling stuck about things that happened. And not feeling like it's ok to find a way to heal it and move on
I’m diagnosed with major depressive disorder, and I truly feel for her. Having a partner with a mental illness that they won’t seek help for is a deeply alienating and exhausting experience, and can often feel impossible to cope with. I know I was quite the rain cloud before I got diagnosed.
My Dad's like that. Multitude of health problems, and refuses to do anything about it. Mum forced him to go to the doctor and psychologists a few times, but he always down plays it and refuses help. A psychologist straight up said to my Mum once that he doesn't want to help himself so there's not much you can do. Unfortunately there is very little you can do for people who don't want to help themselves. But if you can make him see that he needs help, please get him to see a doctor. They can start him on medication, which is a really easy process, and then refer him to a therapist or psychologist alongside the medical treatment. I cannot express how helpful medication has been for me and my anxiety/depression.
It's too long for him to suffer and not get the help he needs. But he has to make that decision for himself. She cannot love him out of depression or make him do the things that will help.
It is too long and she has only one life herself to live. If he was trying to get help and had made attempts to get well, then she should be there to help and support him. But he's not doing that. He's doing nothing and time grinds on.
![Seungmin "그렇게, 천천히, 우리(As we are)" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/kAzmhLHePqU/mqdefault.jpg)
Everyone is ragging on her but she is really trying to figure out how to help and cope with her husbands mental health. It is exhausting being with someone like this and hard to know what to do.
If a man did this he would be shamed for it
Agreed! My husband is the same way and we have a 5 y.o as well so this hits very hard and close to home...I get her pain and cry for help...all of it...
So much for better or worse
Men can't, and never should, show weakness to a woman. She will never look at you or respect you the same afterward.
@@Chet_24 what do you view as weakness? I don't view my husband or any man as weak for showing emotion....there is a time for everything, a man can show compassion and kindness as well as be a leader and take the lead, be forceful when needed....be wrathful and protective when needed. Emotion is not weakness....a lack of is and it's not balanced. I'm sorry but I don't agree with your statement.
I've was in her position for YEARS and nothing changed until I separated from my husband. Only then did he seek outside help and realize this was a huge problem.
Exactly
They be so stubborn to actually do something about what they’re going through. You have to get out of your comfort zone and express yourself and get professional help if needed. Otherwise the sailor is going down with the ship…
I’ve tried two different therapists, that didn’t work, both told me I was fine and only had to do some minor adjustments.
I find that taking time off work helps but that’s not something I get the luxury to do often.
Great job. You abandoned your husband in time of need.
it's wrong to leave your husband because he is unwell. I bet if you stuck with him he would have eventually sought outside help anyway. The girl in the video is complaining meanwhile her husband is always working and making money. Many people depressed with anxiety don't even want to get out of bed so she is lucky. Things are never perfect in marriage but John made a big mistake by suggesting divorcing him simply because he does not go out to family events and supposedly is depressed and anxious. It sounds like she has bigger problems than the issues her husband has. When you marry someone you don't dump them because there are problems.
“If busyness is your drug, then rest will feel like stress.” Powerful.
*business
@@sds6303oh your dumb?
@@sds6303you actually spelled it wrong 😂
lol yeah he talking about be busy, busyness
That's why I didn't respond to them. @@xantanatravels23 😂
It is impossible to help a grown adult who doesn't want help. You can't force them to do anything.
Too many caregivers literally die because of someone else.
this is so sad to read bc i've been on the other side. everyone's different. when i was in that state, i yearned so much to feel better although it was extremely difficult. unwillingly, i was always fatigued and tired. i felt like i really did not have any silver lining of hope to continue anything. almost 20+ years later, and daily efforts, i am so proud to say that am finally rid of that identity. im in my early 30s now. i am confident in this bc the things that use to trigger those feelings no longer triggers them. and those same feelings that i've felt for the past 20+ years, i no longer feel even in slightest bit. please be gentle and give those who are struggling patience. that's what they need the most.
@@strangerdaysss "please be gentle and give those who are struggling patience. that's what they need the most." You can't expect or demand something from others, especially if they can't take it mentally. I understand you, but you have also to understand people who are on the other side. If people break because of what they have to provide for you and you expect them to "be patient" while their mental, or physical health deteriorates you need to think about the way you view relationships. Some people can give things without end, some can't.
Yes!!! So true! It's exhausting!
It's not like people are magic and can just easily cure a troubled person. The victim is often blaimed because he wont get help by some magic therapist. If anxiety and depression are bad then the situations that cause the depression and anxiety need to change in order to help the person, or the person often needs some medicine.
@@strangerdaysss20+ years later and you’re only in your early 30+. Are you sure you were depressed? and not just going through imbalances of youth hormones (adolescence/teens). And teens love sleep are always sleeping for excess amounts of time
My dad had major depression through my teens and the best thing my mom did was eventually told him that he needed to either get help or leave. She had tried to love him out of it, and tried talking to him but he constantly just shut down. People want to tiptoe around depressed people and treat them like glass. Unless a depressed person is clinically insane, they are responsible for their actions and can choose to heal if they want to. Unpopular opinion but that is the truth.
I can sympathize with people going through depression, it's tough, but it's still up to them to do whatever it is they need to do to improve their situation. No one can take the medication for you, go to therapy for you, change your diet for you, etc. You owe it to yourself and the people you love to take those steps.
I agree ❤
@jenniferthompson5146....I agree. My father suffered from depression. My mother always tried to be upbeat and love him out of it. However, as time went on nothing changed. We just never knew what he was going to be like one day to the next. We all walked on glass. He wasn't violent but he constantly felt sorry for himself. His life was filled with regrets. As I grew older, I suggested therapy or antidepressants but he chose not to heal. He passed 11 years ago and now at 53 my heart breaks for him. I really wish my Mom and Dad would have addressed it more aggressively together for all of us.
That is usually when you realize the difference between helping someone and enabling them.
In my teens my mom had severe anxiety and anorexia and everything revolved around her disease. As soon as I was able at 16 I left and moved out. She had made me a codependent etc thought I would always sit by her bedside and be her nurse forever...it started when I was 10??? 😅 I didn't speak to her for 10 years after I left. Then all of a sudden when my grandma passed away and there was nobody left to feed into her disease she finally got better. She had always been in "therapy" but it never sunk in and nothing ever changed until she was all alone and had to change something. The disease had made her a master manipulator...she just couldn't manipulate me. My whole family was toxic as heck but I only have seen the ins and outs of it in my 30ies. I'm 45 now. Don't waste your life away on people who opted out of "doing life".
The reason the man dosent talk about it is because he is directly showing weakness that way and weakness to a woman any type is a turn of and disgusting you show it through your words and not actions just like you said she told him to leave while having no empathy because she dosent know how it is for him we are Men we are expected to be leaders fighters etc we get tired from time to time but we don't show it we push it aside and keep going that's what women most often forget is that even we have are own demons we are fighting
One thing that snapped me out of it and got me to go get help was the realization that my depression was affecting my child and would affect his development.
At least you cared about your child, but you should have cared about your wife as well. You made vows to her after all.
@@maya1110 You obviously have no idea what depression is and how bad it can get. It`s an illness and it`s as real as a physical illness, if you want to make that distinction. Actually depression is physical, it can be measured in serotonin levels and has a lot of physical symptoms.
Would you tell somebody with a broken leg who tells you they cannot climb the stairs for the 10th time today that it`s just a bad choice they are making and that they just want to be pampered?
And to your grandparent example: Yes, there was depression in that generation it just wasn`t called that because people didn`t know a lot about mental health and there was nearly no treatment which meant a lot of people who had it killed themselves after some time. My great-grandmother got depression right after she experienced the war and couldn`t work for a year. People had incredibly little after the war and there was a risk that they would just let her starve when she couldn`t work and she still "chose to be depressed", are you kidding me?
Depression still is a deadly desease today with a high suicide rate and I don`t know how you get it straight in your head that all these lazy selfish people who just want to be pampered are at the same time hurting so badly that they actually kill themselves.
I am sure there is people who say they are depressed when they actually aren`t like there is scammers in everything. Your description of what you think depression is would fit somebody who is just making it up as an excuse, so maybe you met people like that, I don`t know. But you spreading that attitude that depression can`t be real is dangerous to people who actually have it.
@@anthill1510 Babes i didnt say it wasnt real...serotonin is produced by phisical activity, good deeds, nature ect...its our society that instead of giving someone something useful to do ponder to their bad habits....close a healty person in a dark space with no air looking at a screen and i gurantee they will get depressed...all i m saying before there would be no one to feed you to have the oportunity to lay in bed all day and let your negative thinking run rampant...working in the garden, phisical activity that is hard and discipline...but people love to be sick these days...there are diagnoses more than you can imagine...as i said our granparents would spank that nonsense real quick with some hard work and common sense...try it...i guarantee it works
@@maya1110 Because of people like you depression keeps being a stigma. If you don't know what it means to have a physical or mental disease, say nothing at all... This "choice" keeps popping up everywhere, whether it be depression, being trans/gay, autism, ADHD, or any other health condition. If it were a choice, nobody would be choosing it. Nobody wants to be miserable in bed all day without being able to care for themselves, the house or their family. Nobody wants to be discriminated for belonging to a minority group, be critiqued for having a condition by ignorant people like you and go through tons of health struggles/appointments just for fun.
Clearly, you're lucky enough to never have witnessed a real depression yourself or up close for years. Just because 50 years ago there was less interest in mental health than nowadays doesn't mean depression should be ignored. There's a reason why there's so many dysfunctional generational problems in families, because no mental issues/disorders were being treated.
My mom was severely depressed thru my childhood. I'm GLAD you got some help. My mom now has dementia. I seriously think it was from her stressful marriage and maybe some nutritional issues.
I had to leave my love because he refused to get help. Refused to work, get out of bed, clean and take care of himself, would aggressively take out his anger on me and said he would never ever speak to someone ever. It hurts dearly but we were not married and I felt like I had no choice but to move on. I'm heart broken but I have chronic health issues and it was bringing me so down. Nothing I did would help and his refusal to get help is really what made me leave. If someone hates themselves so much it's often impossible to love them. I wish this wasn't the case but sadly it is. I wish him well.
My ex was like this, too 😢
I got tired of being his emotional dumping ground....his rage terrified me. I wish he too could have loved himself enough to get help. My now husband and I pray for him often~ I do wish him the best, despite what he put me through over 14 years.
I'm proud of you for moving on for your own health...but I know it's heartbreaking to walk away from someone you love who is so obviously hurting 😢
@@starlingswallowHe wasnt hurting, people who hurt change
You're not a therapist or a doctor. This level of depression is way above what you can help him with. If someone is refusing professional help for severe depression or addiction or whatever other serious health issue they cant expect family members to just enable them.
I can’t thank all of y’all enough for expressing how this has affected you because I have had depression and anxiety for most of the life I can remember and I have been to stubborn to realize how much it has just affected others, primarily my parents. I took this pain medication recently for an abscess tooth and I normally refuse to take medication and coincidentally one of its side effects was a boost in seratonin and I swear I hadn’t felt happier in literally 15 years. I’m 22 now and I’m now seeking help because I now know how beneficial a small dose of medication can be and the impact it has on your mood and I’m glad I’m doing it now while I can still change the trajectory of my life.
@@TheNuclearBolton That’s wonderful news! Wishing you all the best in your healing journey. ❤️
My husband’s 18 years of anxiety & depression was actually a hooker and porn habit. The 4 kids and I did everything to respect him and his moods. He was always “busy” at work and traveling for work but too depressed to do house chores or yard work or be with the children. But he had the ability to siphon off money from our retirement funds to pay for Cam girls and Sugar Babies and sex workers. And of course had sex with me 2-3 times a week. His “depression” did not affect his sexual appetites. He stayed back from family trips and Holidays to have Orgies in the house. I wish I had gone to therapy and had the emotional strength to leave when I felt like this caller. My husband had already left the marriage and was just fulfilling his own desires. He never told me and I was too foolish to recognize how disrespectful of me and our children he was being. Divorce at 50 is so much better than being married to a manipulative creep! And all 4 of my children are healthy independent loving adults who benefited from family and individual counseling. I’m now 60 and my first grandchild was born 2 weeks ago. My daughter-in-law asked me to move in and help them for the first month. Life doesn’t get better than this.
Omg I’m glad you left that loser absolutely unacceptable
Yikes 😳
Counselor here. This is unfortunately very common. The extremes or severity vary, but severe & persistent anger and depression in many men often stems from sexually related sin. The men who are willing to seek help and own their problem are incredible humans who are genuinely suffering the shame of their behavior and want to change. The men who lie, minimize, and/or manipulate are beyond hope. Maybe they will own their issues in the future. But if they haven't, despite the wife and children suffering repeatedly, it's time to move on. I am SO sorry you went through this. Thank goodness you have the encouragement and strength of other healthy people in your life!
@@chelsmaria I needed to hear this. As far as I know (but honestly wouldn't be surprised) he hasn't cheated, but he is a diagnosed porn addict. He lies, gaslights, manipulates, and does what I call the "Jekyll and Hyde routine." He's even admitted he lies and gaslights but it's always "I'm trying to get better about not doing it" but I'm so tired of the constant whiplash and walking on eggshells. His favorite thing is "I forgot" or "I don't remember that" afterwards so there's literally no way to talk or work through it. He'll just get angry and somehow I always end up at fault. When he's Jekyll, when he's being nice, it's so hard because that shimmer of hope appears that maybe he's actually trying but it never lasts long. 15 years is a lot of time but I can't keep doing this forever. More and more I see there's only one path forward now. Sucks, but I can't keep trying when it's one sided.
@@ashvaela7934 then please move on and not waste anymore time. Y’all deserve better than this and know that this isn’t normal there is better out there. They don’t care about anyone but themselves
My husband also suffers from anxiety and depression. I can very much relate to this caller. We've been married for over 20 years and I've done my best to be loving, supportive and understanding, but it takes its toll on you, the marriage and the kids. Too many years went by before my husband realized that it wasn't up to me or anyone else to "fix" him, and that waiting around for it to somehow go away on it's own was not going to work. He's against medication (after learning as a First Reaponder/EMT first hand how it can increase your chances of suicide), but has made other lifestyle changes (diet, supplements, exercise, hobbies, positive friendships, sleep, change of job, EFT, etc) to help himself. Taking charge of his mental illness made the biggest difference. It's not completely gone and probably never will be, but it's much more manageable, he's very functional and our home life is so much better. When depressive episodes surface, instead of giving in to his misery, he's more likely to ask himself, "What's going on here? What do I need?"
18 years is a long time to suffer. I hope that for everyone's sake her husband can finally get to this point as well.
Did you leave him
@@chris-gx7rs No. We're still together.
I don’t know if it’s anxiety but my husband suffers from the similar thing but in an existential kind of way! His life is so busy with work and yet the rest of our family and I are standing still watching him ‘run around’ doing a lot. 19 yrs on and he’s still does this! And I’ve noticed he gets uncomfortable when he’s trying to relax.
@@Nah-ah Maybe he's doing a lot of things to stop himself from thinking about whatever it is that makes him feel badly.
That's wonderful news. I'm glad he's finally getting a handle on it, so everyone can have some peace.
What this caller is enduring, and what she has to do to try to save her marriage is terrifying and heartbreaking. She's been dealing with this the better part of twenty years. She Loves her husband so much and only feels him pulling away from her. I'm praying that Dr. John's advice works, and that the husband gets the help he needs to process his trauma in a healthy way. That child deserves both parents in the home, experiencing Love and devotion from them both.
💯....absolutely!! Well said and so VERY true!!
I do volunteer work in Yemen and Syria. We have children who lost their feet in the war crawling through the dirt and broken glass because there is a shortage of wheelchairs and crutches. Babies with their rib cages exposed. Kids wearing the same dirty clothes for weeks. When these kids get an ear infection the doctor tells them they have enough medicine to cure the infection in one ear. 6 and 7 year old children have to decide which ear they would like to hear from for the rest of their life. These children eat every 5-6 days. Your concept of "terrifying" is hilarious.
@@tobiramasenju6290 Hamas is doing this to their own citizens. They're prisoners of terror.
Before the call, I was all set to take his side but after hearing he won't seek help, I'm with her. I have BEEN THERE, in the dark depression where he is. I know just how dark it is and only by God's grace I didn't do myself a harm. But I sought help. Nobody can do this but him.
This stuff is spiritual. We must cast our burdens on Christ. I had deep depression & anxiety for decades. Repressed grief, guilt, childhood trauma and more. Also,.I opened doors messing with occult. Once I gave it all to Christ. Renounced and repented for my bitterness , mental illness gone! 6 years free.
Yeah, I’ve had clinical depression. Being passive or hoping for others to fix things is not an option.
@@danilaroche1156you know, I’m not a very good Christian. Honestly, I don’t call myself one because I feel like it might be a lie if I did. But I can tell you 2 times in my life I prayed so hard to Jesus, please help me. Once while thinking about ending my life and the next time while my abusive husband was on his knees begging me to let him come back. Both times he answered. He gave me my children’s laughter to snap me out of my crazy thoughts. He gave me this sudden numbness so I didn’t feel anything when I told my ex to leave, like a cold shower, no pain, no guilt, no fear. I’m so glad you are well. And I think you are right. ❤
There is no “her side” “his side”. They are not at war. He’s depressed. She’s trying to help him by making this call.
@@danilaroche1156Stop projecting.
All you critics: the dude is refusing outside help (meds, therapy). Thats irresponsible. You cant White Knuckle your way thru major depressiin.
Yeah youvcan.
Yeah you can
Facts. It’s like I’m miserable and I gave up and I’m going to make you miserable too by not getting help….I’m going to keep burdening you and you are my wife so you’re obligated to stay.
He just needs a better looking woman and he would be fine.
He hasn't been diagnosed with depression
My heart goes out to this woman. I was there and I had that conversation with my husband. And he responded with divorce papers. At least the hell was finally over. I hope her story turns out differently because they have a child. We didn't and I ended up marrying that friend who, like John's Todd, dropped everything and tried so hard to help. It's been a long time and I couldn't be happier. There is so much hope out there. It just looks different for everyone.
Him serving divorce papers was probably the best thing for you that would ever happen
@@Jane5720 it was unquestionably. Even in the moment, there was more relief than grief. Although there was some grief too.
@@happyash6048because women' don't care about there men
I may be wrong, but most, or at least a lot, of men get depressed because they are not happy or fullfiled in their marriages, but just keep the agony going for way too long. People, men or women, should not deal with people who won't help themselves for this long.
This phone call had me in tears. My husband struggles with anxiety and depression, and we’ve walked through some low valleys. I pray that woman finds the courage and strength to do what she can to reach him, and accept whatever comes of it. Thank you for every word you advised.
Guess if it was the other way around she would have surely made a huge fuss about it!
@@manonhighvibrationif it was the other way around she would likely get therapy.
@@manonhighvibrationRead the comments and see if You can learn something. MEN GENERALLY DON'T SEEK HELP. So if it were the other way around, she wouldnt be so entitled and selfish.
Ultimately one's happiness has to come from within. You can't drag someone into a good mood, optimism, and positivity.
I grew up with a depressed father, who have always refused to acknowledge his problem and get professional help. I WISH MY MOM HAD LEFT HIM AND TOOK ME AND MY SISTER AWAY FROM HIM. When you have a family you have the responsibility of being mentally stable for them, or at least try your best. People who are judging this woman have no idea how a situation like this damages the other members of the family.
Same I'm 38 and my day is still nothing but a pathetic weak depressed man pulling my mom down. It's nothing but a waste of a life and everyone in the family has to tip toe and Everything is always about there depression. Imagine a child's whole childhood being about a depressed father. It's just so insanely selfish my dad didn't choose help though he choose alcohol as medication. Always wish my mom left him and choose us but she made her bed and I don't feel sorry for either of them anymore.
@@christinajose285 You make him sound horrible, but you sound far worse bullying someone with a mental health issue.
Maybe grow tf up?
If the wife is in the same predicament she needs to get help as well
@@danielallan8061how are they bullying when they are speaking about their actual life experience you sound like a pansy wittle baby’s who needs a bottle and to be burped after. Grow up. Nobody has to tip toe around your feelings that person stated a fact about their life. Everything is bullying when you’re a snow flake. Life is stuff. Wear a helmet weirdo
My childhood household was this situation….I can tell u this dynamic breaks the kid’s spirit. It effected my family greatly and me and my siblings struggle to this day because our parents didn’t care enough to try and work things out. They refused a divorce but cling to denial and no communication.
I'm so sorry. 😢 my childhood was a bit like this, too. I'm still healing from it at 42.
Seen a father with controlled rage. When it broke through, it was usually directed at himself, but it was terrifying. Late nights hearing him rage and mother trying to talk him off a ledge. Threatening to kill pets who got loose and annoyed neighbors. Deep anger when a child failed at schoolwork. Unfortunately, the stereotype is only women are emotional, but anger and rage and depression are a significant male problem. Looking back, I have compassion for his agony, but children carry emotional scars nonetheless.
Depression is becoming such a huge issue in many parts of the world. I feel sorry for the caller and her son. I hope it works out for her and her family.
We live such crap lives. So many people work extremely long hours and struggle to make connections. There's so many lonely and sad people who don't have any friends. And if they manage to find a partner and have children strangers have to raise them because you have to work so many hours. Then healthcare and many places including the United States is terrible so you can't afford to lose your job even if they abuse you.
Me, too❤
@@HadassaMoon144would you rather live 500 years ago? Maybe live to 30 or 40? If you got through childbirth which was unlikely .. painful death was inevitable, food short, existence was stark. Men went to war, died young, women were chained to a cattle cycle of childbearing from adolescence .. Im glad we are alive when we are.
@@HadassaMoon144choices have consequences.
Depression is almost always in the mind. People are living lives in their minds that are not their reality. If more people got out of their own heads and accepted what reality really is around them the rates of depression would be lower.
I’ve been there. Just grinding yourself to death trying to get through life until it’s over. No way to live
That's were I am. I never thought I would feel this way about life.
@@corylemons7242do it then.
I feel for her. I was the depressed person in my marriage after I lost a child, so I get it. The thing is , there’s nothing she can do. He has to at least try to accept help. I didn’t want help either but once I started on medication, I was able to see how depressed I truly was. Medication can be life changing.
I hope he accepts the help.
Thank you for speaking up. Many blessings to you.
How do you comment on this call? I’m sitting here weeping. It’s been over 25 years since he’s been gone and it still hurts so much. He had gone for help and was on antidepressants, but they didn’t help. Maybe they made it worse. For the last few months his only topic of discussion was “his depression”. That’s all I ever heard from him, his depression. Our once happy house was turned into “ his depression”. It was like I was being beaten over the head with it. He had been such a sweet and wonderful man, but depression turned him into something I was afraid to be around. I know how desperately he wanted to feel better, all the supplements he’d take hoping to find that magic pill that would make him feel better, but they just caused an awful mix in his body. He didn’t listen to me when I begged him not to take all that stuff with his prescribed meds. Yes, I heard complaints about our house too. How he believed the fridge wasn’t cold enough and how he believed there was so much wrong with the house that he claimed it wasn’t worth much. At the funeral, just as we were about to put his coffin in the ground, his mom came up to me and said she’d been giving some of her very strong psych meds too. He was a dutiful son and stopped over at her house every day on the way home from work to check on her. All I can think is all those meds made him so confused. I’d asked him to see a different doctor, one who wasn’t so ready to push pills on him, someone he could talk to. He refused. He refused to let me go with him to see his doctor too. I’ll never forget that night. Never. I was home in the family room downstairs watching TV. 8:45 pm. When he got home from work. He said he was tired and going up to bed. A little while later I heard a crash upstairs. I thought one of the pets had knocked something over and went to investigate. I saw the bathroom door was locked. We never locked that door. I thought he might be hurt. I called his name. No answer. I rattled the doorknob, the door wouldn’t budge. By now I was shouting his name and shaking. No answer. All I knew was I had to get there to him. I was in complete panic. I slammed my hip against the door trying to get it open, again and again I slammed against that door, harder and harder. Finally with as much force as I could muster. The door gave way. ( Much later I discovered I’d slammed against that door so hard that I’d fractured my own pelvis). I literally fell into the room. Shock came over me at what I saw. There he was, fallen back into the tub from the force, a huge hole in the middle of his chest and the shotgun poised on the side of the tub. Somehow I made it downstairs to the phone to call 911. When the paramedics, the police, the firemen got there I kept saying, over and over, ‘Maybe if I’d done CPR he’d be ok’. He was gone. One minute we’d had sweet plans, promises of a future together, and the next it was all gone. He was all gone. Did you know that after they take the body away they don’t clean up? It’s up to the family to do that. Do you know that it leaves you with nightmares to have to wash your husbands blood and exploded heart bits off your walls and floors? I know. I’ve had those nightmares. For years that image of him there, dead, was like it was burned into my eyes and I saw the world through that image. It took me many years to emotionally get back to a place where I could claim I had any kind of ‘ a life’ again. To find my own way. Thousands and thousands of times since I’ve relived that night and those last days always wondering why I didn’t see it, and what could I have done, being haunted by the things I had no idea how to change. (He’d also left a financial mishmash to figure out) I have managed to find some kind of a life for myself, done good things, adopted children, a family. But I couldn’t bear to marry again. And 25+ years later I still feel the pain. I’m an accomplished person, but I’d give it all up just to have him back again. So, please, if you’re depressed, get help, please. Don’t allow anyone that you love or that loves you go through this kind of pain. Our lives are not really our own, they belong, in part, to everyone that we love and that loves us. We belong, in part, to everyone around us.
This is the saddest thing I’ve ever read and yet I understand it. I am so sorry for your loss. My worst fear is this. I think about it every day. When he starts talking about life insurance or he comes home drunk again. At three different stages in his life- middle school, late twenties and again in late thirties his best friend at those times- died by their own hands. Three. This last one he has not recovered from. The second one he cleaned up the mess in the back of the truck and still drives it. Since the last one he is not the same. He has slowly unraveled until it came to a head this time last year. He had been hiding a pain pill problem from me for several years but it had been starting to come apart. Then last year he began buying from strangers bc his reg source couldn’t keep up anymore. These were not the same. They were laced with meth and fentanyl. He did not know this. From august last year, I noticed something was off in Oct, then he had an work head injury in Nov and I blamed strange behavior on that until after Christmas. Early Jan I spoke with a friend who had concerns as well. Feb he was unrecognizable. We staged intervention. He went left early and promised to finish outpatient therapy and go to meetings. He has not. Now he drinks. Every day. I don’t recognize him anymore. Yet I don’t know what to do. I am so unhappy. If I mention anything he takes off and gets drunk and doesn’t come home for the night. I am so tired of walking on eggshells. I have hidden as much as possible from our teen kids. They love him very much but they do not know all the things he has put me through. I am broken inside and know what I need to do but he threatens to take himself out if I leave.
@@ashleyh1897 Omg! How sad. He needs some kind of intervention. The alcohol and illegal drugs won’t make anything better. My late husband did OTC supplements, loads of them, about 20. Then he’d wonder why his stomach was upset. I tried to tell him it wasn’t a good idea to do that, but he wouldn’t listen. I completely understand the phrase walking on eggshells. I had that feeling too, afraid that anything I said would make things worse or set him off into a further downward spiral. Many prayers for you and for the caller. May our loved ones find healing.
Do you want the depressed him back?
Personally, I don’t want that darkness in my house. I do my best to maintain my mental health and I do a pretty good job, but I am not responsible for everybody else, and neither are you either you
@@Jane5720 Dead is dead! Once someone is dead there is absolutely no hope that they could get better. Up until about 2 years before that things were ok. Then his dad died. His dad had a long prolonged illness and had been in the hospital for almost a year, when he came out of the hospital he’d been confined to a wheelchair for 10 years then finally died. My late husband adored his dad and blamed his dads whole illness on himself because just before his dad got sick he had taken his dad on a camping trip. My husband believed his dad had ‘picked up some virus’ on that camping trip that led to his illness. He was so convinced of that. Then when his dad died it triggered his downward spiral into deep depression. As I discovered after my husband died near the end he was suffering the side effects of his own psych meds ( I think he was taking extra doses), mixed with all the OTC supplements (he’d take about 15+ of a variety of supplements daily), plus the very strong psych meds of his moms that she was giving him every day ( she’d had psych issues most of her life and had electric shock tx previously). I think all those meds were making him worse, confused even, I don’t think he even realized the finality of what he was doing. Yes, I’d rather have him alive than dead. He was a good man. Even if part of the solution was that we’d have to separate for awhile, or that he’d have to have inpatient care, somehow we could have figured it out. But when someone is dead all hope is gone. Dead is final, it’s no joking matter, I person doesn’t come back from dead.
@@ashleyh1897- You need to leave, especially if he is using his illness to make you stay. That's manipulation. Why would he get better if he knows he won't lose anything because he has you convinced that he will end it if you leave? Time for him to grow up.
It also sounds like he may be cheating. Where does he go when he stays out all night?
I have no sympathy for someone who refuses help at the expense of their partner and family. Your family is not required to take your abuse because you dont feel like even trying to fix yourself.
Oh pls stfu until you clearly never been in that person's situation so don't try to act smart what you don't know what that person is going through
Exactly!!
This is ice cold. That is akin to saying, "If someone puts a gun in their mouth they might as well pull the trigger if they refuse to help themselves". No body chooses to be in this mental state. It's hell and I've been there. When you're trying to talk someone down off the ledge they often feel they don't want, or can't be helped. We don't just throw our hands up and let them jump.
@@Pikwhipno what's ice cold is making your family miserable for years and expecting them to continue putting up with it without question. I spent years with a depressed partner. It takes a huge toll on you as a person. I was so emotionally burned out by the end I had to leave for self-preservation. You cannot save someone who doesn't want to save themselves. Guess what? After I left he finally got help.
@@mw6346so get therapy for your relationship instead of forming a harmful generalization, everyone here is so self absorbed.
Everyone on the internet suffers from the fundamental attribution error, and the self serving bias.
It refers to the tendency in people to interpret behaviors in certain ways. In general, people tend to see others failures in terms of disposition attributions-that is, in terms of character flaw. But on the other hand, people see their OWN failures as being due to understandable and excusable circumstances.
Simply put, when it’s a failure for yall , it’s because of an understandable and excusable scenario, but if someone else has a failure in their life? Oh nah, they’re just a piece of shiz. And you guys don’t hesitate to let it be known.
Carrie I know this is scary. This has been my life. It doesn't fix itself. My husband isn't a workaholic but an alcoholic with no real friends. Our kids are raised and out of the house. The loneliness is crushing. Dr John thank you for your transparency.
A girl that understands. You mentioned loneliness. That really crushes guys. Talking about outside male friends. Guys need that.
@@Ka_GgGuys often don't make meaningful friendships, just shallow ones and then they Wonder why they feel lonely when they can't even find one friend they could trust with their feelings and talk about their problems
@@poluv9898 years ago there were lots of clubs and organizations that were either male only or male dominant. My grandpa was in a bunch. Those are mostly gone now. There are a few around my neighborhood but almost everyone in it is very old. They knew something the younger generations didn't.
You are starting to see these types of things with RUclips creators. Many will make meet ups. Since RUclips is a male dominant social media platform, you see guys become friends with other guys.
I've seen male youtubers getting friends with other male youtubers. And what is sad- first drama, first misunderstanding or difference in opinion. They split. And I don't talk about one example. There are so many. My favourite youtubers were bunch of guys playing games togheter, doining meeting ups and few years later they all hate each other and say it was all for public, nothing real. And it is even worse outside youtube. My father is a great example of shallow male freindship. He has a bunch of friends when they want money or drink a beer but he has nobody to watch a match with or talk to when he argue with my mom. My mom is his only friend but you can't complain about you wife to her because it is stupid xd i feel bad for those kind of men, because back in school there were many like that. Boys had their group until one of them had a problem (in home or mental) then they stoped hanging out and left the "problematic" ones. Because they didn't want to support others, listen to them, just hang out, have fun- and that's nit a real freindship, it's not onky good things but also problems and overcoming them togheter. I think women have more compassion and empathy, so they create those kind of valuable freindships more often. Anyway loneliness is common nowadays because of social media addiction and lack of social interactions, it is a both gender thing although more common for men,
Mens depression and anxiety presents itself as anger vs sadness. I have totally been here. You feel like youre drowning and you and the kids are going downhill together. Then everyone on the outside is very judgemental cause hubby isnt a "bad" person so they dont get it.
Depression is inside you, it’s all you. It has nothing to do with kids or wife if you have a good family. YOU are the only one who can make the decision to help yourself and change something about your life. I struggle with depression everyday.
Its not about the person being bad but some of the actions are bad for others and at some point people just ask themselves how cruel can one be to keep doing this knowing your family suffers from your actions. Or in this case non-action. By doing nothing you decide to make it worse and thats what people are pissed about. Rightfully so.
If someone diminishes depression or says it's not that bad - those are not even worth a second of your time.
It's just that our actions have consequences - and we have to owe up to them.
Wow...I am so loving John's wife. Her constant commitment to him makes me cry. 😭 💕
Me, too!!! 😭😭😭 What an amazing woman she is!
I'd love to see her on the show just one or 2 times. John is incredible .
I remember suffering from terrible depression. I was assaulted as a child, I went to the police as an adult, they got a confession and told me even though they knew he did it, the statute of limitations was up only 3 months before. I was so low. I was in medication that didn’t help. I didn’t know what to do so I asked my husband for help, got nothing. Told a friend I needed help, I was gonna die here, she disappeared on me. I was in my closet thinking about how I was gonna end it when I heard my sons’ laughter. I decided, if not for me, then for them until I could find something in me to live for. I now have a new husband, better friends, and my boys are grown. It was a hard road, it was a lot of having to rely on myself, changing doctors and therapists, trial and error. But my life is better now.
It’s so messed up that there’s even a statute of limitations for the worst crime that someone could commit! Nevada’s statute used to be four years!! It’s like lawmakers and policy makers are the ones committing these crimes in large numbers and are only protecting themselves 😒
John, is an amazing man to simply share his own personal life crisis with us all. More people in this world need to recognise mental health as being a normal aspect of lufe. We all have life stressors and it is peoples ability to cope with love and support that can determine overall outcome. Lockdown in the past 24 months has created increase in mental health for our younger generation. Goodluck to the caller who loves her husband very much.
My biggest shortcoming is that I could never put up with such a situation. I am not willing to put my life on hold for anyone for that long. I have a life to live and staying, praying and hoping for the best that someone gets better equals to squandering what precious moments I have left in this world.
😂you and I both. And it’s not a shortcoming, it’s a strength. I refuse to partake in some afflictions
It’s not a shortcoming. You have establish your boundaries and are maintaining them.
0 empathy humans 😂
Why should anyone ever care about you then?
@@slammysammy9555 I never asserted life is fair.
This call really hit home, my husband shows depression symptoms, has been unemployed for a year, has frequent binge eating episodes with junk food (and he has T2D), doesn't do anything around the house and doesn't even shower regularly anymore, treats me very poorly (not violent). He refuses to get help. I'm exhausted. I've learned not to count on him anymore... The only thing keeping me from leaving are the rental prices in my area... I feel trapped and suffocated...
Don't give up on your husband encourages him to get help marriage is for better or worst pray and God will give you the strength. Don't forget it could be the other way around its hard but try if he refused to get help and you have exhausted everything that will free you and you can move on without guilt.
I'm sending you a hug. I hope you can find some relief ❤
Invest in you. Go to counseling. The counselor can walk you through the steps to save yourself and how to best support your husband whether or not you choose to stay with him.
I was in a similar situation. 10 yrs and 2 kid's. I did similar things in this video. I was dying inside aside from the physical, verbal and mental abuse. Dealing with his addiction too. I was told to be supportive not to leave him when he was having a tough time. To pray more and be patient. 10 yrs he was like this in the marriage separate for 4 yes now and he's still having a "tough time". His kid's 15 and 13 do not want to see him anymore as he causes them so much turmoil. I pray that you do what is best for you. I know I had to save myself and my children.
After you’ve had the conversation with the lights on and music off, you could visit a friend for 2 weeks and a family member another 2 weeks (and not communicate with him for a month). Maybe giving each other some space to breathe and then come back for a date night to talk about what y’all missed and didn’t miss about living together. As Dave says, To be clear is being kind. Praying for a miracle for y’all, but it might come after doing some hard things
I've been that depressed/anxious person. I got out of it for my daughter, who deserved to have a whole mother. I realized I wasn't hiding it. I got help, and that's when I realized the depths of my depression. She deserves someone who will lean into healing. Hope her husband is able to respond to Dr Delony's suggestions.
This hit me close to home because I’m not only the depressive, but also a wife of a depressed person who refuses to seek help. I’ve been getting treatment for depression, been in countless trauma recovery with counselling. I’ve hurt my husband through my own selfish actions, but it’s time for us to turn on the lights and stop the music. I cannot continue with the life we co-created.
My parents lived like this for over 50 years and we as children were dragged thru it too. Nothing ever changed, no one sought help. Then at 78 yrs old my father unalived himself and left my mother alone, helpless and terrified. I brought her to live with me and the saddest thing of all was her last 3 years without my father were the happiest she'd had since her own childhood.
I hope the caller won't let her son be someone who tells the same story that I do.
Not at all saying this pertains to this situation, but my husband acted just like this for two solid years, and I did everything in my power to help him, with him, refusing to get outside help the entire time. He said he was severely depressed due to his mother being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, and I believed him 100%. It turns out he had been having a two year affair and couldn’t figure out if he wanted to end our marriage for the other woman or not. I ended the marriage when I found out. Again, not saying this is what this lady is going through but for me, his depression was really a covered up affair. Either way she has every right to move on if he continues to refuse to get help.
Yes generally men who ate depressed(nothing bad obvious happening in their lives) have created their own torment(cause why not? Right?) With p@rn addiction or lust. Alot of suicides I believe are due to how.far the path of lust takes you. Sad. Wish they would flee from that stuff. Again, speaking generally, not totally.
I think both can be correct. Men tend to turn to other women that he considers to be fun time (an affair) because the affair woman probably isn’t seeing the sides you are seeing. Men like this tend to like the high of things which he is not getting from his wife that is fighting in her power to keep things going. Especially when the wife probably has lost her quirks because she hook on the responsibility of being a care giver. It’s not your fault at all, it’s just more so goes to show that it’s not our jobs to be a care taker to someone that is grown
Living this now. Gonna start doing exactly what he said. Thank you Dr. John. Even if it doesn’t go the way I hope it does, it’s nice to have an action plan and not feel so stuck
I hate to admit it but when I wrote my “list” for an ideal future husband I asked God that he would not have mental health issues… I think we all have them in some mild to extreme form or another but my ex had clinical depression and wow… like woah… I realised I wasn’t an appropriate partner for someone like that. He was also very abusive and I absolutely understood why, I knew his traumas and I knew of his depression and deep anxiety but one day I just thought nuh uh I can’t do this anymore, whatever happened to him was not my fault and I will never again be with someone so troubled.
And today, my fiancé is an answered prayer. That’s all I’m gonna say.
You should definitely shorten your "list"
@@sdrook6231 lol you clearly didn’t read my comment to the end
❤❤❤❤
You brave soul. You tortured creature. How many cookies would you like.
Thank you for giving me hope. I don’t want to be held responsible to another man’s problems he has with his mother again.
I really feel for people like her. I went through a severe depression for years and my partner put up with it, helped me as much i'd let him and he never left. I can't imagine how hard it had to be on him.
You don’t have to stay with a partner that constantly brings you down for years at a time, it is their own demons and you don’t have to participate if you don’t want to because you have your own life to lead and you need to value yourself at least that much to do that
If you keep the peace so you don’t rock the boat, you’ll all sink.
Happened to me. 10 yrs and 2 kid's. My children and I suffered so much because I was told to be the supportive wife. We separated 4 yrs and he's still "going through a tough time" my kid's and I are in therapy, counseling and trying to recover. They are thriving little by little this wouldn't of happened if I stayed.
@z.m4825 thank you. It was a difficult choice. I felt like a failure for years. But God healed that in me. But my kid's are still having a tough time. But we will get through this together. Our tribe is us 3.
Been a caregiver for a relative who has experienced depression for some time and now is recovering from a TBI on top of it, further reinforcing their sense of helplessnes and victomhood. It is difficult to remain optimistic when you share a living space with someone who is clinging to a "poor me" attitude. Hasn't even been 3 years and I am ready to move on. God bless this caller, hope she can stick to the marriage vows, "for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health" because that's the hand we get dealt sometimes. Were I the suffering party, I would hope that my loved ones would be able to stick it out with me, hence why I do my best to be there for my relative.
I was actually gonna call john with this same issue. He was so depressed and suicidal and felt useless and refuses to get any help
What decision you made? Are you still together?
I'm very sorry you are going through this. I pray he seeks help. We can't always deal with things by ourselves. It's not a weakness to get treatment. My fiance' is actively trying to get help for his severe depression and anxiety. If you feel led to, you can show him this response. He is not alone, and neither are you.
@@sanamuhammad97 yeah hes better his friend gave him a PC. The issue is hes injured and in constant pain and he feels so useless because hes bringing in no income. At least gaming can take his mind off things
@jesus1stsatan2nd put him out. You are enabling him. The more you support him by allowing him to sit on his ass and play videos games, the worse he will feel. He is useless because he is not doing anything.
Same here. The last 6 of 18 years have been hell. His best friends unalived himself and it’s like he loved him more than me and our kids. I am so tired of the doom and gloom and negativity. He was on pain pills bought one bad batch that was laced with meth and fentanyl and rock bottom he went. I forced him to rehab. He left early made promises to go to meetings and finish his emdr but never did. Now He drinks to numb and I can’t stand it. I’m miserable. I don’t trust him and I can’t look at him the same anymore but at the same time I don’t know how to be without him. I tell him I need space and time and he threatens suicide which makes me feel terrible.
My ex was like this, and it affected my own health (mental and physical) to the point where I had to break it off because I was just so damn tired. I fought so much to help him, but hit a point where I became almost apathetic towards it all. Once I recognised that feeling, I knew I couldnt stay
And it’s because the partners that are willing to stay, really aren’t okay with what’s going on, in the end either. So much resentment build up because people continue with things they aren’t okay with.
I love how you helped her. It was helpful to me too. And i feel badly so many comments were harsh on her. She DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!! so glad she called. Maybe she can make it work with his help. Im in this situation and its much harder than easy answers.
Comments on these videos can be harsh. To men and women. Bring a person is hard
The man lost his Mom. Can you understand that is if not one of the most traumatic thing we can go through? Can you not understand that it doesn't take a month or a couple years then it's fine again? Can you not understand that follows you forever? Can understand that he lost his mother in a tragic way? Can you not understand that, that also take time to heal? Can you not understand his family is broken so he is going through something forreal? But I guess when we have the problems we're supposed to be better in these crazy timelines, when women can have time to grieve and people will understand. Can you not understand he is a man? Meaning unlike you women, we have to find time to grieve and people won't understand and we have to keep on moving too like nothing happened. Y'all weird
That's going to effect him for a lot of time
I mean, look at the title, it's like she's talking about leaving someone who's going through something. I would think my lady would be there for me and would have the decency to understand that what I'm going through is hard and will support and love me through it and won't give me no stupid ass timeline to forget about it and just move on, it takes real time to move on from that
@@jaybah836but he doesn’t want to get help so she should be in one side marriage until she dies . I don’t say divorce but u can be marry an live a part . No need for her mental health to go down. Plus she already doing everything alone
I was married to a man who I now know had BPD. He had major depression and anxiety as well as other issues. When I tried to discuss our relationship he would become incensed and say “how can you ask anything of me when you have everything and I have nothing?” That was his way of refusing and excusing himself to do anything to make things better. After 7 years, we separated for 6 months. I was so much happier. Changed the locks on all the doors. Enough of that toxic behavior. And believe it or not he was shocked when I finally filed for divorce. No more chances. Never saw him in person again and I felt so free. Met my now husband 3 mos later, married many happy years!
You sound like a psycho, wish him well and move on
And you are so proud of the fact that you abandoned your ex-husband, the man you vowed to be with in sickness and in health, for better or for worse. I hope if you ever get sick, your current husband doesn't change the locks on you. But if he does, don't be mad.
@@dlyras Nobody was abandoned. He moved into an apartment on his own when we separated. His idea. . He refused to seek therapy. He had many chances and blew them all. . I was patient, much more so than he deserved. If anyone abandoned anything, it was him for not doing his part. Nobody should be in a one sided relationship. Yes, I’m very proud of the fact I was able to exit an extremely toxic and unhealthy relationship and rebuild my life. And I would advise anyone in a similar position to do the same.
@@mfrance3834 You probably mauled and nagged this man to the ground
@@mfrance3834 I don’t believe in toxic relationships. Was he toxic when you married him? I doubt it otherwise you wouldn’t have married him. Something probably happened which pulled his life off course and you failed as a wife to help steer him back on track. Even a drug addict can put his life right with the right kind of people around him.
I just find it really ironic that when men walk away from their wives going through depression or illness, they are shamed for it and called weak. But when women do the same, it’s celebrated (as you have just done) and seen as an accomplishment.
In any case, as I said I hope if you are ever in ill health your current husband sticks around. Marriages are tested when the seas are rough, not when the seas are calm. It’s very easy to claim a successful marriage when both of you are in good health and have no serious problems to overcome. But life is truly unpredictable and can change on a whim.
Nobody has the right to tell her she should stay in the marriage. If she stays her mental health and physical health will decline and she will put herself in an early grave. She can't "save" or "fix" her husband and its not her job. No matter how good your intentions its impossible to help someone that isn't making an effort to help themselves. Her husband needs to take full responsibility for his healing and recovery. Too much is expected from the wife. I can only imagine how miserable she she has been for years. Everyone has a breaking point.
Actually it is her job. When you swear in front of God that you will be married, it is forever, not just in the good times.
Are you even married? She doesn't have to stay with someone who will cut her life short.
@@OmahaTonyG no, it is not the spouse’s(husband or wife) job heal their spouse. You can’t heal anyone. You can support your spouse but you cannot heal your spouse. Your spouse is the one that is ultimately responsible for their own healing and fixing.
I agree.
I chose to attempt to help my ex before I exited....to see if he would join me in healing. He threw it in my face and laughed. In his mind, nothing was wrong. With him or our marriage. 😢 I tried, and when he refused, I left.
@@starlingswallow I’m sorry you had to endure that. Your ex was selfish for not wanting to work on the marriage with you. I always say the number one reason for divorce is selfishness.
He absolutely MUST seek help. It's not okay to live like this as a family long-term. I have a family member who is obviously depressed but won't change his life or seek help. He just puts his hoodie up, sulks on his phone, and ignores his family. His kids have followed his example, and it breaks my heart.
You guys, his mom died 1️⃣8️⃣ years ago when they JUST started dating . She isnt saying “omg his mom was just murdered and his brother is involved, he needs to snap out of it ! “
It shows how empathetic she is because she is trying to find the reason why he is so disconnected from his nuclear family.
It sounds like she is saying he needs to snap out of it bro
@@z.m4825 The retardedness of you people are amazing. You're fucking stupid
@@z.m4825 You stupid people should know that, that's not something you get over that easily, and she said the mother died when they started dating.
@@z.m4825 I guarantee if it was a woman going through that same thing, you would've been like she needs all the time to grieve. It could come back at anytime
@@z.m4825 You don't think it could come back for men too
This story hits home for me. My husband had a rare illness about 13 years ago. He was in the hospital and almost died. He now has severe nerve damage which causes him to be in constant pain. We both have health issues and many days we can't do the things we want to do. We just work (self employed) and sleep. I think he suffers from depression too. He doesn't beleive there is a problem. But I have done some much alone over the years. He just shuts down when I say he might be depressed, or if I tell him I am lonely. It is terrible to know we have worked all of our lives and are close to retirement but we are both in such bad health we can't enjoy life. We both had tramatic childhoods. I won't ever leave him, he is such a wonderful man. But it is very hard.
He doesn’t sound like a wonderful man
@@Jane5720 He is a great man. But the pain he suffers is so bad.
@@sheilakilby5162 My father was the same way with his Parkinson's - wouldn't admit he was depressed. He was always very positive and I was the only family member who could see the depression. It took him getting delusional during a hospital visit to have Seroquel prescribed. It was a super low dose, just 25 mg. The delusions were gone by the time he came home but he stayed on the Seroquel and it completely took away his depression. It was so wonderful to see his zest for life return. It also allowed him to sleep deeply at night. Maybe speak with his doctor and see if he can try something out at a low dose.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Do you think the advice Dr John gave would work for you too
People need to understand that you cannot help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.. it starts with them! They need to seek help themselves otherwise you are only nagging them
I’ve been there (supported a depressed partner for years). If you refuse to seek help from the appropriate specialist services or others and place it all, even once you are told the toll it’s taking on your partner, that’s a conscious decision to put your partner under serious strain.
I did everything I could for my ex, everything, for years, but her persistent refusal to engage with help, even when all kids of different arrangements were made for her over years, is what killed it.
I set a boundary with my ex, after he would trauma dump on me and I told him I could not handle his massive depression and issues from a TBI, that he refused to get treatment for. My ex has never dealt with his trauma, then has trauma related to his job and then expects me to just handle his depression and his up and down personality. I had to leave. I offered to take him to counseling and he refused. Take care of yourself sister. Protect that child. I'm sorry, telling her to lean in and keep helping him, he needs some clinical help. It's not her job. Stop putting this on care givers.
The advice he gave her was not "stay, no matter what". His advice was mean't to give her a starting point, an empowerment, a voice, some hope - to be able to say "our way of living together & you not taking responsibility for your life needs to change". I will be there for you every step of the way,(that is the leaning in part he mean't) will fight for you, for us - if you choose to change - come hell or highwater, or I will have to go it alone if you choose to not make the choices needed to make our home, and life together, a healthy, thriving partnership. He was talking about her excepting that there will be either a breaking point or a making point once she has that conversation with her husband that draws the line in the sand. That was why she was crying - knowing that conversation has to happen, and knowing he may say "no". She has been running for years from that conversation because she has been afraid he will say "no". She has been excepting crumbs because she doesn't want to lose him, but she lost herself in the process.
There’s a responsibility to having depression, and that is not affecting the people around you. It sounds harsh but you still have responsibility and to try and deal with it. It’s very lonely but it’s important. Having the wherewithal to be hyper aware of not bringing anyone else down helps keep you on track, and knowing how to deal with it alone.
This is such an important issue.... many of us struggle with a spouse with diagnosed and undiagnosed health issue. How do we reconcile these kinds of o issues? My husband has ADHD, cognitive decline, Charcot Marie Tooth, Disease and arthritis in his knee. He will not get a diagnosis or treatment for his issue. Everything in our life revolves around his issue and we are both miserable. My religious friends tell me that "in sickness and in health" but what if his issues are all-encompassing and making us both miserable. The stress is thick, and I just want to be out of the house when he is home.
Ma'am the grass is not always greener. Most women think like that only to find out it is not. When a women remarries the divorce rate jumps up from 50% to 75% on their seond marrige in which 80% of the time the women initiates the divorce.
Does he do his duties as a husband? You guys may need some intense therapy, together and separate. You might learn some new tools to persuade him to get healthy. It does fall on your husband to want to get better. Maybe he needs a support group of friends to achieve that. Stay strong i believe you can make it through
The hardest thing is when the other person refuses help! It drags down the other partner!!
Yes, in sickness and in health, so you do have a duty to stick by him. But he also has a duty to take care of his body for you, because his body no longer belongs to himself, but to you, and vice versa. Remind him of that duty. If you are Christians, you made that oath before God, so when one doesnt fulfill their oath, it's not just letting you down, but God. It goes much further than that but if you're not a Christian, it's kind if pointless to elaborate in great detail in that aspect.
Main point; your husbands body is not his own anymore, and it's his duty to take care of himself so he can care for you in the long run. Let em know how much it stresses you out and how much it hurts to watch him go through that pain and not do anything about it. He will respond. You can do this, bring it before God and He will set it right.
If you can handle being on your own, then divorce. If your vision is getting married again, to a great guy…..don’t do it. Dating is a nightmare and not worth it.
If you stay married, then go out with friends, family and do fun things. You don’t have to babysit him
Depression is real. But as long as you tried and tried to get that person help but still haven't made any improvements, it's time to move on. Sometimes the depressed will get motivated again when they realize what they really love is no longer part of their daily lives. Good luck to this woman and her family.
Yeah, because that's in the vows.
@user-he6rs8xi7u why isn't it in the vows to do everything possible to be a good partner?🤔
@@WillIam79-c7fu can stay an become depressed urself , an what them do nothing. While u take care of ever thing work kids clean cook, take care them . An hope they don’t get anxiety when you leave the house so then you have to stay home. An fights or not saying anything at all
@@AnyaEightySevenit is, but being depressed is not so simple. Even the simple acts of being good to yourself are (hopefully temporarily) difficult let alone being good to someone else. And the knowledge that you’re not being a good partner just makes you feel worse about yourself..terrible cycle. But not an intentional one, I’d say, usuallt
@@arielrocks10 refusing to get professional help is the problem, not the depression.
So spot on with your initial response- how loved ones question why they aren't enough for the person to get help.
Up the nutrients. Especially Vitamin B Complex and Magnesium!
Yes! This really helped my husband along with other lifestyle changes.
And Omega-3 Essential Fatty Acids.
Hope he has good friends by his side. My ex husband only surrounded himself with drunks. And when I reached out to a priest to come visit us and to have a talk with him, all my ex did was criticize and belittle the priest 🤦🏻♀️
Welp.. long story short.. he’s my ex for a reason.
a Priest (who many have a notorious reputation as sexual deviant pedophiles) probably wasnt the best option to seek help from. Did you ever think about getting him a licensed therapist?
@@boston312 it's important to remember that generalizations can be misleading. While it is true that some individuals within the Catholic Church have been involved in scandals, it's unfair to assume that all priests are the same. Many priests dedicate their lives to serving their communities and providing guidance and support to those in need. It's always good to judge individuals based on their actions rather than making assumptions about an entire group.
The Catholic church harbored known child molesters for decades. Who's to say they're not still doing it now? If they had done the right thing in the first place, perhaps people wouldn't generalize.
thats pretty hard to do when the Church as an institution went out of their way to transfer thousands of Priests to other countries to help avoid prosecution or any accountability for their crimes. I could also make the same argument that you shouldnt judge the Nazis or KKK on a general basis rather on an individual basis. @@RosannaRS
My SIL called a priest to help with alcoholic BIL, he got angrier than ever, said he was going to call his mother. SIL said she won't understand cuz shea a protestant. These things were said in front of their 5 yr old daughter, who told my 5 yr old daughter that she found out their gramma was a prostitute. So these 2 girls confronted their gramma, then problem grew rapidly. It all worked out eventually. I laughed my butt off.
I have suffered from depression for most of my life. It has always been head down enduring life for me. My husband had a severe migraine for years and finally had a breakdown. Treatment for that meant some serious anxiety and panic attacks. I stood by him when others told me to move on. I absolutely love my husband and he is one of the good ones. He a great guy. Six kids, 8 grandkids, and about 36 years of marriage. I still struggle with depression. He loves me, anyway.
This is just a mental prison for her. He’s making choices for her too and that’s not cool. You have to be willing to change and participate in life. And I say that AS a depressed person! No one owes me anything, my life is my own.
He’s trying to escape feeling all the things…and that’s no way for her to live.
You’re responsible for your mindset when you’re leading a family. If you’re depressed, you need to do what you need to to get out of that funk. No spouse needs to stay if you’re not going to put in the work to be the best version of yourself for your marriage.
I know how this feels… I’ve only been in it for the past 8 years and thankfully my husband is now trying… but I know the pain of this. Keep praying for these marriages and the two people in them that God would become that connecting cord! “A cord of three strands is not easily broken.”
My husband suffers from depression and severe anxiety. He refuses help of any kind. Many days I’m very sad for him. I end up going places by myself because he refuses to go. I go camping by myself, to the store by myself, workout by myself, go to the movies by myself, and many evenings by myself because he goes to bed very early. The fact he refuses any help other than “meditation” with an online guru makes me realize he doesn’t care how this hurts me. Luckily, I know how to be alone and find happiness without him.
Make sure he’s not cheating ! My ex was always so depressed coming to find out he was struggling to leave me and the kids
True
Discovered the same -- jokes on me. While I sought information on spousal depression, he was struggling with finding the day & right time to tell me....that he wanted a divorce. Now I am the one in depression - we had great friendship/marriage. It feels like I have been robbed of my best friend. No prior warning. He lied, every time I asked if he was ok/ did he want to talk - He would reply his job was depressing.
As someone who suffers from severe anxiety and depression.... It's 100% my own problems to solve. You can't just BE SICK for years and expect everyone around you to be miserable. It's not all about YOU. If you have a mental health issue, it is your responsibility to get help.... not your spouses. His avoidance is absolutely not okay. He is harming his entire family and acting like it's all about him. I would think differently if he was seeking treatment and taking steps to better himself..... but he's not. I'm glad John sought help, but you have to WANT help.
Bet you a million bucks the husband has PTSD from experiencing losing his mother to murder. Anxiety and depression can be so hard to heal form when we just address it as innate conditions that we treat with CBT. Ultimately, treating anxiety and depression is a bandaid when they stem from trauma. That might be why he is so hesitant to go to therapy, especially if he hasn't named it as trauma.
On the other hand, love is holding your spouse accountable for seeking an end to suffering, for letting them know that as their spouse you cant see them hurting without hurting a bit yourself. I wish my mother had held my father accountable for seeking help with his mental health issues, which i now understand as trauma. Instead we danced around his moods until our house felt unsafe, unsettled, rather than a happy home.
My husband had it too. At some point he was like dead. I did not know how to help. But we started to go to the church, pray, be on the Liturgy every sunday and he started to get better after some time. At some point he changed menthaly and was himself again. ❤. Wish her to stay strong and not to give up.
I have anxiety and some depression and stay single. I go to therapy so I can get better and manage it. I am terrified I will be tiring for a partner. I don't want to do that to someone.
It’s pretty much hell for a person to live with a depressed spouse. You feel sad for them but also you feel so unloved when the person won’t hear your feelings and get help for you or for their children. The best thing you can do to help them is leave.
If you haven’t dealt with someone with mental illness be grateful! It’s a struggle for the family. Then if the person refuses help it’s so stressful & unfair to those around them.
My late husband was a bipolar, alcoholic. It wasn't bad when we first were together. I had no idea and the last couple years before he died. He was a full-blown alcoholic and he was diagnosed with bipolar. No medication until I made him take meds. And then he didn't want to take him anymore. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. This has nothing to do with the wife and kids. This is about mental illness that has to be addressed, but if they don't want help they can't get help. You can't force them.
I am crying 😢… this is me except my husband isn’t busy busy.. his drug is alcohol and he can barely leave the house.. it’s been years and I AM drowning… this video gave me clarity that the nudge inside me is right… can’t do life alone anymore unless I do it absolutely by myself… sad though cause you don’t get married thinking you will do life alone or become single afterwards.. 😔
You are strong person. Hes masking the pain and dosent know what to do . WE guys are like that not allowed to have problems.
Reminds me of my husband and I. In the beginning of our relationship, the first three months, things were great! It was fun, the sex good/often, etc. Then by month 4, he spiraled down into a really bad and scary depression. He was diagnosed in the past. Anyway, it was so sad and I worried about him ending his life. He’d power through work then get home and just break down in bed, not want to eat, or get up. I tried to be around him as often as I could, cuddle with him, bring him food, or just watch movies with together. Luckily he wasn’t against seeing a doctor and trying medications. It took a while for him to find the right medicine, but I will say the depression changed him. There were times he wouldn’t have sex with me for months, we wouldn’t get out and enjoy time together, he was always busy with projects. It got to a point where I wanted to leave, I felt he didn’t love me, that I wasn’t doing something right. He was also blunt with me about not wanting to go out, not feeling sexual, etc.
Years down the line now, things are much better! I’d say what helped our relationship is him being willing to do things that will help address his mental health and also me communicating what the problems and how to fix it. Our communication style is straight forward, respectful, no yelling.
Thank you, John for sharing your own story. Man this was powerful. ❤
I dealt with this for 8 yrs. We talked so much about it. You can not want something so much for someone else no matter how hard you try. I finally left and never looked back. Later on I found out me leaving was the turning point for him & yrs later I know he is happy now, I wish him nothing but the best.
Sometimes breaking a bad connection is the best for all. It's an untangling of energy.
I was friends with someone that has alot of mental health issues and by God after awhile it brings you down. I was starting to feel as they were
We must be so careful as some of these illnesses have such an effect on those in the home.
Do people not realise depression in some people causes them to be negative, moody, withdrawn, emotionally unstable, become very abrupt or lash out?
Can’t you see how badly she is suffering too and she’s at her wits end because he is refusing to seek help.
I had a family member who had depression for decades and I found about an hour a day was all I could take of her company after a while.
What a wonderful friend to have John!
Great advice as usual doc !!
I think friends like his that told him straight up to get figured out are invaluable!!
After our twins were born, we had a 4 year old son as well, my wife had a terrible bout with depression. It got to a point where getting dressed was a BIG deal. Post partum is and always has been the real deal, but seeing it that close and without her finding a Christian counselor, I don’t know where we would be today. She’s doing amazing and she’s equipped with the tools she needs to get through. Proud of her and love my woman. No doubt, tough year and a half.
Those hormones can really do a number on your attitude. Glad your wife found her way through it.
@@willieverusethis It was a dicey year and a half and not once did I lose my love or respect for her, but for the safety of our kids, she sought counselling and who she is on the other side is incredible. It's been over 8 years now, our marriage is amazing and our kids are happy and thriving. Appreciate your encouragement.
I’m in this situation now. Married 12 years and filing for legal separation because he started using unhealthy things to cope that is affecting my kids and I. My husband is just now open to therapy because I’m filing for legal separation. I understand how she feels. It becomes to exhausting after a while
Hoping you are doing well as this was only a month ago. I hope he was able to get help and you didn't have to leave.
@@coonhound_pharoah he is getting help thank you. We are separated but still live under the same roof to coparent. We just have separate bedrooms now
I can relate to where this woman is coming from. My husband is going through mid life crisis and has left me and our family whith no house to live in.
He told me to tell everyone that he left me to work for Gods Kingdom, went living at one of the most beautiful bays here in Australia, where YWAM rents from a bible college, then May last year left Australia with money from church to help build emergency accommodation in Ukraine, yet left me homeless, living at a friend's house. So I wish we all new the future before marrying!
This is a life-changing video. Thank you for sharing these tips John 🙏🏾
I was with a woman for 4 years who we thought we were soulmates and perfect for each other. I got injured getting into a fight with my sisters abusive boyfriend at the time. I was out of work for almost a year and my entire family took their side and turned on me even though I reach out to them for help immediately on it (3 years later they’re married with a kid). She never looked at me the same after that and we broke up a couple of years later. I feel like I may never find my someone, but that’s life. I hate the feeling you have to be perfect all the time, but that’s just life.
Her moral obligation is to protect her child. She should leave until he gets help.
I was in a relationship where we were both depressed. I was fired from my dream job after transferring to another city, we were financially struggling, and he blamed himself for making me move states.
He once came home late after work and told me he walked across a bridge and wasn’t sure if his life was worth crossing it all the way to the other side. That was a turning point for me. We talked about meds and therapy but neither of us did anything about it for years.
When I finally found a job that had insurance to cover mental health, my first act was to find help; I found a counselor and got on meds. Throughout that time, my ex never took any actions to get better. Any attempts at asking him about his trauma/feelings was met with resistance or anger. He was insured the ENTIRE TIME we were together. I left him a year after I started getting better. I was saving myself, not punishing him.
Babygirl😢❤. She is doing the best she can🌹
Love Dr. Delony. I appreciate how he connects our emotions to our physical responses.
I find this issue ends up very sexist: a woman is depressed, non communicative, no sex life; guys will tell the husband to get out of there. A GUY is depressed, not really seek help, meds-averse and his WIFE gets told she needs to stick it out- that leaving him is heartless. There is no gender here: your partner has a problem and WON'T SEEK HELP, you get to NOT BE A HOSTAGE.
I also noticed John is quick to tell depressed women to eat healthy and exercise. But doesn't seem to come up for men
Marriage is always put on the woman to make it work NO matter what!
Husband needs therapy.. it help me get back to being happy and grateful for what I have.. good luck to this couple. 🙏🏽
John how you brought your own life into this call is amazing!! Makes me trust and admire you even more.
I spent 15 years in a relationship with a man who was depressed. I left. You can’t keep drowning with someone who refuses to try…
I tried that with my ex husband. I went to my pastor and the men in our circle and even my dad. My ex just wouldn't engage. He only felt ok and authentic around the people and family from his trauma and addiction filled past.
My brain is never clear in the morning lol. Im like a 1996 computer booting up in the morning
I FEEL SEEN. 😬
Thank you, Dr Delony, for sharing your personal experience so openly and frankly
At a certain ponit you HAVE to protect Our own health and sanity.
My boyfriend suffers from ptsd, anxiety, depression and doesn't want counseling or any intervention. He says he knows what's best but isolates himself from both our families. I'm his only outlet which can be heavy. I go to counseling... thats my God send through this.
I tried to “rescue” my husband from his depression and he refused help for 15 years. I wanted to honor my vows so I stayed and I stayed as I got more unhappy with each year.
I didn’t want to bring kids into that mess so we never had kids. Eventually I as much as I didn’t want to, I left for my own survival and really wasted my life trying to save someone who chose not to budge from his depression. It’s still his identity and I finally realized he has no desire to heal.
He’s making someone else miserable now. He absolutely chose depression over me and over our marriage. If someone doesn’t have an interest in healing just leave, don’t wait 15 years. There’s no honor in staying with someone who will not seek help and doesn’t have any interest in recovering or how they are hurting the people closest to them.
I could have written this. I stayed for 12 years too
I have been in the same position as this woman with an ex-girlfriend of mine, It is a very difficult situation to be in. It gets to a certain point where there isn’t a single part of your life that isn’t affected by your partners mental illness. It can be especially frustrating when your partner isn’t doing everything they can to help themselves and relies on you to try to make them feel better about themselves. You do need to be strong and supportive to a point, but past that it will do nothing but ruin your own life, and your own future being dragged down by someone who won’t help themselves. Many people like this don’t want help and they will not stop until everyone is just as miserable as them.
I’m depressed and slowly everyone around me has left
Best thing that could happen for you. Now, you can decide to heal. The first hurdle is to get past feeling sorry for yourself or blaming others for leaving. Time to be selfish and find what makes you happy, then you will attract other happy people again.
@@rtphotos4691 Imagine saying that to someone who's in dark hole. This is a really questionable reply. You can't just willpower your way out of something without a proper foundation.
@@StoneAgeWarfare - Show me where I wrote "willpower out of " anything. You may not understand depression, but I do. What I wrote is a reply to someone who has the same experiences that I did. I didn't start healing until I was alone. I'm still not out of the dark and may never be, but I will continue to be selfish about protect what little bit of happiness I do have. Ending up alone? That IS the best thing that could happen because it is in that alone-ness where we connect with ourselves. READ before reacting.
@@rtphotos4691 I do understand depression. I've had dysthymia for almost 10 years now. Personally, I have to disagree on the alone part, because I myself have grown a lot from solitary introspection, but I have also never felt the touch of a woman because of how emotionally disconnected I am from people. Depends on what you mean.
Depression comes from wanting to dig your heels in and feeling stuck about things that happened. And not feeling like it's ok to find a way to heal it and move on
I’m diagnosed with major depressive disorder, and I truly feel for her. Having a partner with a mental illness that they won’t seek help for is a deeply alienating and exhausting experience, and can often feel impossible to cope with. I know I was quite the rain cloud before I got diagnosed.
This is like an alcoholic not seeking treatment
My Dad's like that. Multitude of health problems, and refuses to do anything about it.
Mum forced him to go to the doctor and psychologists a few times, but he always down plays it and refuses help. A psychologist straight up said to my Mum once that he doesn't want to help himself so there's not much you can do.
Unfortunately there is very little you can do for people who don't want to help themselves. But if you can make him see that he needs help, please get him to see a doctor. They can start him on medication, which is a really easy process, and then refer him to a therapist or psychologist alongside the medical treatment.
I cannot express how helpful medication has been for me and my anxiety/depression.
medication isnt for anyone, alot of people off themselves after the medication they take destroys their bodies systems of making dopamine
18 years is too long.
I hope someone doesn't think that way about you, especially if you have an accident that leaves you paraplegic.
Then you have a very American short-sided view of how relationships are supposed to work.
It's too long for him to suffer and not get the help he needs. But he has to make that decision for himself. She cannot love him out of depression or make him do the things that will help.
It is too long and she has only one life herself to live. If he was trying to get help and had made attempts to get well, then she should be there to help and support him. But he's not doing that. He's doing nothing and time grinds on.