Lovebombing is a terrorist attack. Narcissistic abuse is an act of terrorism. Including when a female narcissist becomes pregnant and has a child with the full intent of allocating all of her faculties to use, terrorize, and abandon her newborn infant and child far into their adulthood and beyond the grave. This is all premeditated well before conception.
This video made me cry. I have been searching for months for an answer and from this video I realized why I was so obsessed and couldn’t figure out why. I was his mother and he was my father (but really my mother) and yes I definitely have trauma from childhood with both of my parents but especially my mother. It all makes so much sense now. I felt the weight lifted when I heard that in this video it felt so heavy and it just lifted right off me and now I feel relieved my brain can finally relax I have the missing pieces to the intricate puzzle. Thank you Sam
Yah now I know why my asshole autistic son is so controlling mean he has no feelings no love nothing there's nothing I can do to make him happy he loves making me miserable I have never seen a evil kid so evil he even threatens me that he will turn on the gas and burn us down so I shut off the gas to the stove he was sent by the devil but I try so hard but nothing life is a living hell
I'm reading a few comments before I start watching. Listen.... What you said? You sound like me exactly! I pray the weight in my head and heart lifts too. Like yours did ❤ You mentioned you cried. I'll.go grab some tissues and listen now. Wish me luck because I need ME back. No more comments need to be read. Cheers. Christi
@@chrissemenko628 It was a certain part of the video where it was a lightbulb moment and it all made sense why I was so obsessed and can’t stop thinking about him 24/7. He really brings forth all of my childhood trauma and I didn’t even realize it, it’s all sooooooo confusing but makes much more sense now.
People are conditioned to confuse love and shared fantasy. My prof. of histiry of children's literature used to repeat, that most of fairy tales were created by toxic adults to normalize pathology. I.e. Cinderella... no.1 fairy tale for girls. Cinderella is good and pretty, her sisters and step-mother are ugly and evil (girls learn "halo-effect", and learn to believe it's all-or-nothing. You can be all wonderful or all monstrous, and nothing in between. Ugly and good, pretty yet evil... this is non-existent. In every fairy tale evil witch is ugly, princess is pretty.) Prince Charming fell in love with Cinderella so much, he wanted to marry her immediately, yet ...he didn't even ask her for her name! Her "name", identity was not important. Her looks was everything. Classic narcissistic love-bombing took place. Aaaand she married him, and had nothing against the fact he married her for her looks. And so on, and so on. Once the girl grows up, she watches tv series for teens or telenovelas, where the same sheme is repeated. And then, when she's adult she can watch some creepy romantic comedies (neither romantic, nor funny), where the same scheme repeats over and over again. Women choose fantasy, as I did, because many of them are raised in toxic families with verbal and emotional abuse, and no one teaches them, that the tv world is equally toxic! When one has no healthy point of reference - there's no chance to escape false belief, that love-bombing is a sign of genuine feelings. I'm 42 and finally learning what real love is. And what it isn't. It's very new for me. Luckily, better late than never!
Being upfront and honest with your partners is important. Wishfully thinking things will naturally play out like you want is delusional. I wish I learned this sooner.
No, you can’t even be upfront with them. If you are, they will nod their head and say they understand what you want, what your needs are, they will tell you they share your goals and they think it’s a blendible lifestyle, but it’s all one big lie.
@@kengaroo5170Even better to get to know the potential partner really, really well before rushing into anything. It is most certainly the most important part.
Jain. You are absolutely right! One's partner is not a mindreader! Just state clearly and agreeably What you want. In plain language. Do not whine, nag or try on a Barbie voice. And do learn the art of quiet negotiation. Evidently I am talking about a solid, Steady, healthy relationship. One should not be in the other kind in the first instance.
“A nurse, a purse, a therapist” is the lamest thing I’ve seen in awhile. “A nurse, a purse…” maybe “an Ass, some sandwiches, and a therapist” but a nurse/purse? I was like lol
@@HANZELVANDERLAAY dogs are filthy and parasite vectors the closer you are to your pet the more mentally ill you will likely be there are studies in this fact. They don't know you can't don't live you and feel zero remorse so can't love. You'd be better off alone than with a dog that will give you parasite infections
I want true emotion. Healthy boundaries. Mutual respect and support and care. How do we tell if we are in shared fantasy experience or true emotion. That immediate resonance is so crazy addictive. It touches deep into my core. We have both expressed how we will always love each other. We have been broken up for a year or more and logically I recognize the unhealthy patterns but I am drawn to something about him like a magnet. In the past he has shared the same. I can only describe this as heavy, addictive cravings. I get angry at myself through my healing process for allowing my perspective of him to change, but also am terrified of what could happen if I don’t. That is the struggle. It has been so helpful to recognize it as an addiction because it provides a fitting explanation for what I feel, and allows me to take a deep breath and make peace with the pull of that magnet. Prior to this I have been baffled as to why this magnetic draw hasn’t gone away. Feels like love but yet so many of his actions were clearly not loving. Angry at my body for craving emotional connection with him despite all the massive toxicity. Angry at myself for missing his hugs. As you’ve confirmed in a different video, yes, the way he spoke to me and his safe enveloping hug, he was the perfect daddy. Love experience is f’ed up.
I continued to tell my ex narcissist partner that we make such an amazing team when we would accomplish something tough together. I truly felt it was true. A magnificent team. Never once did he agree or acknowledge this as true. Usually ignoring my comment. He never felt it, but I guess that really I was just really proud & impressed by myself.
Probably because he was repelled by union, closeness, togetherness, a unit. Probably felt too close to home to be able to handle. A healthy person would be glad and happy and join in with a high five and yes we do! This is a good insight and something to pay attention to in the future. A notable small detail. Ive come to know that a person with low self worth and true self love cannot be trusted. No matter how great the seem or their potential..they will sabotage themselves and those they are involved with to sustain the inner story/dynamic.
It’s soo freeing to know the REAL facts on this so we are free and no longer feel any blame of what ifs ! For everyone who fell in love in with the narcissist and had to leave to save themselves ❤❤❤ there is hope there is life after the narcissist!!!! Trust and believe!
It’s surprising to me that there is not a sort of public service announcement whereby we inform women as to their inbuilt attraction to narcissism, so as to sublimate that part of women and facilitate their ability to learn how best deal with that internal desire. Instead, we have mainstream newspapers encouraging women to be promiscuous with the narcissistic men that they are attracted to.
My heart breaks for every child who had to go thru this kind of things to become a narcissist in the end . I felt the pain , he has shown me what he went through . And the thought that no one can help them ...
They can be helped only if they admit to being a narcisist. Sam did it. He is a self proclaimed narcisist, but also a Doctor in Pshychology...so he has all this wealth of knowledge to help himself.
This explains so much about both of my relationships. The shared fantasy was strong in each case. Got tired of coping and had to end them. Painful but necessary.
The narcisist's urge to perform the devalue & discard scenario is not limited to romantic partner (as a mother "surogate"). It also plays out in other areas where there's an authority situation to be "overthrown", e.g. the hierarchy in the workplace.
This playing out of the shared fantasy ultimately leading to discard as a process that must play out and will is horiffic as the host/ narcissist seems posessed by an internal parasite wherevthey have no control to stop it. This process can take 20 yrs or more to play out to completion if the intimate partner holds on for the excruciating ride. I know because i have lived it and survived.
@@heythere6983 I forgave repeatedly do to my own codependency and not wanting to be separated from our four children that ultimately happened through parental alienation and my eldest has returned to me with her own insights.
Having mainly fleed from the narc I can honestly say that being with the narc never ever felt right. Maybe I just didn't love myself that much because the relationship never felt right he always felt empty and idk if empty is the correct word as I never knew about narcissistic behaviour and it's hard to explain to others. Cheers SAM
Good morning Professor Vaknin! I am loving the Odd Couples series. I would love to see one on the Covert Borderline with Inverted Narcissist. I have searched the channel but haven’t found this particular Odd Couple.
Leaving him felt like leaving a child... I felt so guilty... How can you leave a baby alone? Surely he would die by himself... But the truth is that he's alredy dead, and I've buried him so many times in my mind... At times i think I'm over him and then I start mouring all over again... I entered this fantasy because I'm too afraid of reality, is dirty and impure and messy... I'm afraid of intimacy, it hurts, it's uncomfortable, even disgusting... And I'm still wondering if I'll ever be able to handle the real love I long for... At times i think all I deserve is a fanatasy.. I'm not sure i can handle the real thing, but oh god i hope life proves me wrong... And for him, I'll always have a special place in my heart for him, in the distance of course... I hope we can find a way to treat or manage personality disorders in the future. All I can have is faith. Even if it's pointless and a waste...
Now I suddenly better understand why I wasn’t capable of leaving my (now ex-husband) much earlier… I have been very tough on my self why I didn’t leave him before we even got married…?!! I felt a lot af confusion and pain in our relationship already before we got married and anyway I chose to say yes to him in the church - before God and people… “for good and for bad…” 😢…and Ithought things would be better during years of marriage😢😮 Not!!! It did not, or yes sometimes I felt he changed to the better… But now, 25 years and 3 children later, I see (and regret og mourn…) a lot of things- and years spent on fighting inside home… Figthing for my right to be just the person I am…😢
More and more often I find a lot of narcissistic features in myself. I was forbidden to experience any real emotions as a child I tried to create them in my heart based on reading a lot of books. And in my fantasies I was always loved. But in real life I don't behave like a 'king of my kingdom'. It's not fair on another person. I am happy to be diagnosed as a narcissist just to be cured. I feel like a narcissist who doesn't want to be one.
My mum is a narcissist I am very empathic but have narcissistic traits. So I hear you . When a teenager I did a lot of fantasising. I don’t do the cycles of abuse thank god but I get bored quite easily . I know when my traits kick in and I am working on them . I had a habit of picking narcissists but don’t anymore . I recognise a good loving person now . The narc can pick up these lack of confidence signs . So now I am more direct in my feelings and emotions . And stay away from these toxic people. I tell them at the beginning what I will and won’t tolerate and have been narc free for years . Also went no contact with my mummy dearest a year ago .
Dude, you are a unique blend of emotional qualities. Narcissus fell in love with himself but he did NOT know it was himself he was looking at, he became close and rigid and died from it. People believing narcissus was a narcissist says a lot about the lack of depth people are operating from. Narcissist deem themselves superior and better, narcissus did not think himself superior and better because he had no clue it was himself he was looking at. One can draw many things about projection other than narcissism. People obsessed with tags tend to be cerebral narcissists like the man who makes these videos and they often terrify others into self diagnosis they don’t really have. Reading what you wrote I can tell you are very likely not a narcissist. Using therapy talk to terrify people into self diagnosis is a common manipulation tactic these days. Give yourself some room to breath.
I’m not a psychologist or anything in that matter. I don’t think you’re a narcissist. Narcissist will never accept to being a narcissist. They’re always, I mean always in denial. I’ve come across a real narcissist. We had a relationship for 8 months. Tried to break up a couple of times. Until I went to no contact. I’m glad I didn’t share my FB account, didn’t introduce to my close friends. Because he is a stalker on the web. I should’ve listened to my instincts.
I don't know about anyone else but I wouldn't change anything regarding my obsessive fantasy history. Yes, I was hurt deeply and fell into deep sadness but I also did see myself in the best light and positivety.. Thank you God! I am ready for my next adventure!❤❤❤
The 'world' we are in is almost unbelievable. People lost sight of who they are. I 'hate' the modern phrases. How long did we manage on this planet without these terms/labels....🤔 However, bless this man, Thank you 🙏🏻 💟💟💟
Prof. Vaknin, I have two questions about snapshots. 1) Let's say a narcissist had 10 girlfriends. He has now a "collection" of 10 "photoshopped snaphots" in his mind. I wonder if these snaphots are photoshopped in the same way? Are they, somehow, clones of each other? Do I, his other ex girlfriends, our replacement and future replacements are identical in his mind, have identical features, or will the narcissist create different ideal versions of Mommy 2.0? 2) If a destiny of narcissist's girlfriend is to become his temporary Mommy 2.0 , will she be perceived as someone who has the same features his real mother has, or will she be perceived as a polar opposite of the real mother?
Thank you! I am watching mentioned videos, good to know I'll find the answer there, that's great! They are very informative and truly life-changing, mostly for someone like me, who was raised by narcissists, and then was in a relationship with a narcissistic psychopath. Thanks to you, I was able to truly forgive myself, for not knowing what I was dealing with. The whole process of narcissistic separation-individuation is shocking. Now I wonder, how a victim can resolve cognitive dissonance, when from one hand I know, that my abuser was merciless towards me, acting on purpose, with premeditation (his "adult" psychopathic part), yet totally victimized, underdeveloped 2 year old. (his "childish" narcissistic part). I can easily forgive the "childish" part of him. But how to convince myself not to hate his seemingly "adult" psychopathic part? I hope one day I will find an answer, because it keeps me stuck. Thank you once again! I really appreciate your amazing insight, Prof. Vaknin.@@nothingnessnonarcissism
The childmen and the childwomen want (mostly subconciously) a partner, that is like the good parent they never had. So as you are their save and stable partner, they treat you as a parent from that they want to seperate, to get free. Like now, that they have you as parent replaced, they feel better in them selves and like teenagers that can go to parties now, to find girls or boys to play and have sex with. So you give safety that they can go for playing and come home, as they please and think you are still there as a loving momy or daddy should be. 😮
this!! people dont understand why I still love him and I always say "I dont know.. its the way he looks at me" or I say "I get him, and I like him, I just dont know what I did to make him hate me" or worse cuz we are still married its 23 years my whole adulthood I dont know a life apart from him and its hard to see one when you still have to work with them to make things work till you can separate the lines get blurred so fast! I will know who and what he is and say I dont want it but then he will "hoover" test and find a way to get me talking or to do something for him and before I know it maybe it can work.... I appreciate you saying it is the nature of the the relationship cuz I see hin doing the same! and I learned from you I am no better just the opposite side of the same coin! makes soooo much sense!! I get him and love the idea of him and his idea of me we have two kids (adults) and the knotted twisted mostly unspoken chaos we have is a mirror into me and my childhood 100% where to go from here is the fun part cuz NOW I know it can never work outside of how it has worked! many blessing to you!
In my opinion this is exactly what is going on with borderlines. They don`t experience real (true/normal) emotions. For example when in the idealization phase they express their emotions strongly, but it doesn`t feel real for their partner: something is wrong. If you take away all those words and gestures, something is missing. But this is only my experience.
What does that say about the partner that falls in love with their idealized self? Does that imply that they are narcissistic too or is that a “typical” response? I left my 16y marriage with our 4 kids ,including our special needs daughter that he’s never cared about, 7 years ago. Last year I had a near death experience and a few months later the trauma of it all hit me from out of the blue and I kept saying to my older son that I feel as though I’ve been sleep walking, like the veil of the world has been ripped off and I’ve been catapulted into a cold harsh reality….as thought I’ve been living in a daze until now. I can’t figure out if I’ve been mortified or if I have finally exited the shared fantasy once and for all! I met him when I was 22 so haven’t really known anyone else as an adult partner. All the signs were there form the beginning, that shared fantasy though was too irresistible. He even used to say that I was “putty in his hands”….
@nothingnessnonarcissism @samvaknin can you do a video about what happens when one takes a narcissist back after the narcissist physically discards them several times.
5:27 I was at war with my mother half the time growing up, lots of yelling, screaming and slamming doors. Given my track record with dating....it never turned out well. Is there hope for me to improve or recalibrate? Edit: so basically you need to allow yourself to be vulnerable and open to getting hurt?
I would say first ask yourself why you’re looking for a partner. Don’t be generic or don’t let your answer be driven by what society says to do. What are YOU looking for and why. I would say a good portion of people are looking for saviors, time holes, place holders, bandages, and replacement parents. Identify if you fall into any of those categories, find out why you can’t fill those spaces yourself, fill those spaces and then look again. Almost guaranteed higher quality matches
@@sj3969 well I never asked myself that before but it didn't take long to figure out. The "why" is for my own selfish reasons, I have this thing where I don't believe I'm worthy of being loved & need validation. Like my sense of self worth comes from being with someone and having a partner would affirm that I'm not....dirt
@@elyksteeley1181 I would suggest therapy, cbt maybe. Another human cannot do what you are asking of them. Most who step forward will either be as selfishly inclined, or will become burnt out.
of course. As well as birthdays (or should I see birth week). The whole month of October is dedicated to Halloween (look at my pretty costume!). The whole month of December is dedicated to Christmas (look at my expensive gifts!). Too cold for October? Drama. Too warm for December? Drama. The "wrong" kind of decorations at a super store? More Drama. They revel in this sort of stuff and they never run out of things to talk about.
Whenever you explain the shared fantasy i just see the horrific and horroble life of him with his absent mother or emotionally dead, my heart just can't digest the emotional slaughter of delicat innocent small human being, narcissism is a reaction to hoŕror
Very interesting. It would be the natural way to not improve yourself. Why stay fit or learn to become a better self if you live in this fantasy life. Where are the flaws in this view? No where according to these couples.
hello, what does an adult narcissist who has suffered emotional incest and who claims to have a close relationship of unconditional love with his mother feel?
Social media was the final nail in humanities ability to have honest, loyal, faithful relationships. It's the most toxic place I've ever seen. I wish I had never joined Instagram cuz boy did I get played!
I told my son 10 years ago that I felt social media was EVIL. It's narcissistic and addictive. I've never created a social media account. Didn't want to participate in that game. Even the co-founder admitted during an interview that he and Zuckerberg purposely created Facebook to be addictive, based on casino game's addictiveness!
How do you know whos the narcissist if theyre both mirroring each other? And is there a solution to this situation? Can speaking your truth and showing your emotions not cause the discarding to happen?
It might be easier to tell When you are not the one instigating the problems constantly and are always willing to resolve and consider you’re not always right
It does exist for sure. I love my father, even if he is a narcissist. I know he is a narcissist. I have healthy boundaries now and I don't react to his attempts to provoke me from time to time. I genuinely express my love for him, I take care of him. I want the best for him. I know he won't change. But I won't change either. Loving people is a part of my identity. And love is not a feeling. It's an attitude. I choose (!) to do good to someone, even if I have "bad" feelings sometimes. In the same time, I don't justify his unpleasant behaviours or provocations. If it's possible this way, it's even more possible when two people are mutually loyal, caring, supportive etc.
@@barb7124 If it does exist, unconditional love is maybe what a man can have for a woman. Women can't/don't love men in that same capacity! Just the way it is!
Maybe women are more selfish now because we've been crapped on by men a lot in the past so while we heal it looks like narcissistic personalities however what if some are in recovery from abuse, it's off topic because I know this is in relation to narcissists... sometimes I think the term is being used very wrongly ❤
@32:16} N. I'll #FINISHiT Tomorrow. I'm 😴 🛏️😴. i wasn't an am not picking on you so never think that. . . You just confused me because to be so brilliant you contradict yourself a lot and my brain doesn't understand that so I'll be trying to find clarity. 🌃) #MyBRILLIANTProfessor.
Will npd in marriage with hsp empathetic person , devalue her due to jealousy that she has not the same internal core as him . Or this marriage will become successful. In my country more than 90 percent people are having small child in them . 😂
@@barb7124 yes they are emotionally immature. They will laugh on your face and will make fun of you even on death of your parents. Some are really so sadistic that they don't want to see real emotions.
Well we can love kids unconditional. But in relationships it's harder to love unconditional, because in a relationship you have expectations, rules spoken or unspiken, wishes and needs and it's much Harder there, to love free. From that monent on, in that you want to feel save with someone, start something with someone, build something, love becomes conditional. And sometimes you feel unconditional love for your partner too. This happens in the moments, when you Wish him to be himself and happy, no matter what. But you know what? It's OK that relationships are conditional and that love is not just butterflys, but a decision you make to take care, even after the butterflys have gone. And that unconditional love is something with that WE should raise our children and our inner self. Than we can get along easier in life later on.
Hello. Thank you for sharing your time&knowledge. I got here a bit wakward way-through searching narcissism/case of my marriage-wife/, Daria Żukowska's channel and-recently-video w/You. ;). Recent pandemy/?/ of narcissism, self-oriented therapy goals bring me to consideration it became more spiritual thing now.../signum temporis/-i mean :most obviously people will not get peace &harmony while being orientented solely on themselves..,just wonder your oppinion. Btw: Now it confirmed my feeling and observations so far-my wife turned all her paint and unsolved spaect w/her mother and put it onto me. Strange and terrible. No communaction/nobody there/, all typical phases and aspect of nacissistic relation. Of course its no diagnosis, just my research and 20 y.observations ((
Steady on , that word makes me feel claustrophobic . ☝️ I have a solution to the problem though , no more relationships just furbabies 🐱🐶 focus on the good aspects of life , some people are not fixable . It is what it is.
" Lovebombing has nothing to do with love but everything to do with bombing " 😂
Perfectly said! 😝🤪🤪
🤣👍
Lovebombing is a terrorist attack. Narcissistic abuse is an act of terrorism. Including when a female narcissist becomes pregnant and has a child with the full intent of allocating all of her faculties to use, terrorize, and abandon her newborn infant and child far into their adulthood and beyond the grave. This is all premeditated well before conception.
chill with the gaza reference no? bit on the nose
nice
This video made me cry. I have been searching for months for an answer and from this video I realized why I was so obsessed and couldn’t figure out why. I was his mother and he was my father (but really my mother) and yes I definitely have trauma from childhood with both of my parents but especially my mother. It all makes so much sense now. I felt the weight lifted when I heard that in this video it felt so heavy and it just lifted right off me and now I feel relieved my brain can finally relax I have the missing pieces to the intricate puzzle. Thank you Sam
Yah now I know why my asshole autistic son is so controlling mean he has no feelings no love nothing there's nothing I can do to make him happy he loves making me miserable I have never seen a evil kid so evil he even threatens me that he will turn on the gas and burn us down so I shut off the gas to the stove he was sent by the devil but I try so hard but nothing life is a living hell
I'm reading a few comments before I start watching.
Listen....
What you said? You sound like me exactly!
I pray the weight in my head and heart lifts too.
Like yours did ❤
You mentioned you cried.
I'll.go grab some tissues and listen now.
Wish me luck because I need ME back.
No more comments need to be read.
Cheers.
Christi
@@chrissemenko628 It was a certain part of the video where it was a lightbulb moment and it all made sense why I was so obsessed and can’t stop thinking about him 24/7. He really brings forth all of my childhood trauma and I didn’t even realize it, it’s all sooooooo confusing but makes much more sense now.
Yesss. That constant rumination and brain constantly going/trying to figure that crap out sucks. Exhausting.
😢❤
Sadly, so many prefer fantasy, aka toxicity, rather than genuine love.
People are conditioned to confuse love and shared fantasy. My prof. of histiry of children's literature used to repeat, that most of fairy tales were created by toxic adults to normalize pathology. I.e. Cinderella... no.1 fairy tale for girls. Cinderella is good and pretty, her sisters and step-mother are ugly and evil (girls learn "halo-effect", and learn to believe it's all-or-nothing. You can be all wonderful or all monstrous, and nothing in between. Ugly and good, pretty yet evil... this is non-existent. In every fairy tale evil witch is ugly, princess is pretty.)
Prince Charming fell in love with Cinderella so much, he wanted to marry her immediately, yet ...he didn't even ask her for her name! Her "name", identity was not important. Her looks was everything. Classic narcissistic love-bombing took place. Aaaand she married him, and had nothing against the fact he married her for her looks. And so on, and so on.
Once the girl grows up, she watches tv series for teens or telenovelas, where the same sheme is repeated. And then, when she's adult she can watch some creepy romantic comedies (neither romantic, nor funny), where the same scheme repeats over and over again.
Women choose fantasy, as I did, because many of them are raised in toxic families
with verbal and emotional abuse, and no one teaches them, that the tv world is equally toxic! When one has no healthy point of reference - there's no chance to escape false belief, that love-bombing is a sign of genuine feelings.
I'm 42 and finally learning what real love is. And what it isn't. It's very new for me. Luckily, better late than never!
P.S. Excuse the typos. My keyboard doesn't work properly recently.
Wowww so sad but true.
That's the thing, how do u reject it and not play into it when so many people look for fantasy?
Most people want love born to want love after trauma we still want love but fantasy is more tempting because it's safer
Being upfront and honest with your partners is important. Wishfully thinking things will naturally play out like you want is delusional. I wish I learned this sooner.
No, you can’t even be upfront with them. If you are, they will nod their head and say they understand what you want, what your needs are, they will tell you they share your goals and they think it’s a blendible lifestyle, but it’s all one big lie.
"Who is going to want to read all this?" And I have to type it all out?
"Throw that junk out"
@@kengaroo5170Even better to get to know the potential partner really, really well before rushing into anything.
It is most certainly the most important part.
With normal partners yes lol
Jain. You are absolutely right! One's partner is not a mindreader! Just state clearly and agreeably What you want. In plain language. Do not whine, nag or try on a Barbie voice. And do learn the art of quiet negotiation. Evidently I am talking about a solid, Steady, healthy relationship. One should not be in the other kind in the first instance.
Lust and even at that, once they experience that, they become avoidant. All they want is a nurse, a purse, a therapist.
“A nurse, a purse, a therapist” is the lamest thing I’ve seen in awhile. “A nurse, a purse…” maybe “an Ass, some sandwiches, and a therapist” but a nurse/purse? I was like lol
Indeed as we get older it's a concern to be a nurse purse or a therapist to someone.
💯 exactly
You left off chef
@@HANZELVANDERLAAY dogs are filthy and parasite vectors the closer you are to your pet the more mentally ill you will likely be there are studies in this fact. They don't know you can't don't live you and feel zero remorse so can't love. You'd be better off alone than with a dog that will give you parasite infections
I want true emotion. Healthy boundaries. Mutual respect and support and care. How do we tell if we are in shared fantasy experience or true emotion.
That immediate resonance is so crazy addictive. It touches deep into my core.
We have both expressed how we will always love each other.
We have been broken up for a year or more and logically I recognize the unhealthy patterns but I am drawn to something about him like a magnet. In the past he has shared the same.
I can only describe this as heavy, addictive cravings.
I get angry at myself through my healing process for allowing my perspective of him to change, but also am terrified of what could happen if I don’t. That is the struggle.
It has been so helpful to recognize it as an addiction because it provides a fitting explanation for what I feel, and allows me to take a deep breath and make peace with the pull of that magnet.
Prior to this I have been baffled as to why this magnetic draw hasn’t gone away. Feels like love but yet so many of his actions were clearly not loving. Angry at my body for craving emotional connection with him despite all the massive toxicity.
Angry at myself for missing his hugs. As you’ve confirmed in a different video, yes, the way he spoke to me and his safe enveloping hug, he was the perfect daddy.
Love experience is f’ed up.
❤️
You said it: ...he was the perfect daddy...(you never had!?).
I continued to tell my ex narcissist partner that we make such an amazing team when we would accomplish something tough together. I truly felt it was true. A magnificent team. Never once did he agree or acknowledge this as true. Usually ignoring my comment. He never felt it, but I guess that really I was just really proud & impressed by myself.
Probably because he was repelled by union, closeness, togetherness, a unit. Probably felt too close to home to be able to handle. A healthy person would be glad and happy and join in with a high five and yes we do!
This is a good insight and something to pay attention to in the future. A notable small detail.
Ive come to know that a person with low self worth and true self love cannot be trusted. No matter how great the seem or their potential..they will sabotage themselves and those they are involved with to sustain the inner story/dynamic.
It’s soo freeing to know the REAL facts on this so we are free and no longer feel any blame of what ifs ! For everyone who fell in love in with the narcissist and had to leave to save themselves ❤❤❤ there is hope there is life after the narcissist!!!! Trust and believe!
It’s surprising to me that there is not a sort of public service announcement whereby we inform women as to their inbuilt attraction to narcissism, so as to sublimate that part of women and facilitate their ability to learn how best deal with that internal desire. Instead, we have mainstream newspapers encouraging women to be promiscuous with the narcissistic men that they are attracted to.
My heart breaks for every child who had to go thru this kind of things to become a narcissist in the end . I felt the pain , he has shown me what he went through . And the thought that no one can help them ...
They can be helped only if they admit to being a narcisist. Sam did it. He is a self proclaimed narcisist, but also a Doctor in Pshychology...so he has all this wealth of knowledge to help himself.
This explains so much about both of my relationships. The shared fantasy was strong in each case. Got tired of coping and had to end them. Painful but necessary.
Thank you for clarifying the difference between shared fantasy and infatuation.
The narcisist's urge to perform the devalue & discard scenario is not limited to romantic partner (as a mother "surogate"). It also plays out in other areas where there's an authority situation to be "overthrown", e.g. the hierarchy in the workplace.
This playing out of the shared fantasy ultimately leading to discard as a process that must play out and will is horiffic as the host/ narcissist seems posessed by an internal parasite wherevthey have no control to stop it. This process can take 20 yrs or more to play out to completion if the intimate partner holds on for the excruciating ride. I know because i have lived it and survived.
How does a narcissist hide for that long , or where you ignorant to their behavior making excuses for that long?
@@heythere6983 I forgave repeatedly do to my own codependency and not wanting to be separated from our four children that ultimately happened through parental alienation and my eldest has returned to me with her own insights.
Having mainly fleed from the narc I can honestly say that being with the narc never ever felt right. Maybe I just didn't love myself that much because the relationship never felt right he always felt empty and idk if empty is the correct word as I never knew about narcissistic behaviour and it's hard to explain to others. Cheers SAM
Yes, i can resonate
It’s like sitting in the front of a mirror every time.🌞 Thanks for the insight Professor Vaknin, Excellent work!🙌✝️
This is the most thorough and incredible explanation I have ever heard. Thank you Sam.
Thank you. I think you made it possible for me to accept the truth of the situation and made it possible for me to live to move past the pain.
Incredibly accurate!! Thank you. Brings so much light
the problem with the playmate in my experience is like that of the cartoon Tom and Jerry; it's a cat and mouse game.
Thank you so much Dear Professor Sam Vaknin❤
Good morning Professor Vaknin! I am loving the Odd Couples series. I would love to see one on the Covert Borderline with Inverted Narcissist. I have searched the channel but haven’t found this particular Odd Couple.
this just blew my mind and helped me so much
You're right, it is better to accept simpe truth and not live in denial. So that change can start or continue.
You are great, Prof.Vaknin!
Thank you for this video, Dr. Vaknin!
Amazing stuff
Wow! Incredible!
Leaving him felt like leaving a child... I felt so guilty... How can you leave a baby alone? Surely he would die by himself... But the truth is that he's alredy dead, and I've buried him so many times in my mind... At times i think I'm over him and then I start mouring all over again...
I entered this fantasy because I'm too afraid of reality, is dirty and impure and messy... I'm afraid of intimacy, it hurts, it's uncomfortable, even disgusting...
And I'm still wondering if I'll ever be able to handle the real love I long for... At times i think all I deserve is a fanatasy.. I'm not sure i can handle the real thing, but oh god i hope life proves me wrong...
And for him, I'll always have a special place in my heart for him, in the distance of course... I hope we can find a way to treat or manage personality disorders in the future. All I can have is faith. Even if it's pointless and a waste...
Prof Sam Vaknin in good form. Thank you. All explained very well with clarity.
Thank you Sam, this was the most informative video I ever seen 🙏🏻😃
Now I suddenly better understand why I wasn’t capable of leaving my (now ex-husband) much earlier… I have been very tough on my self why I didn’t leave him before we even got married…?!! I felt a lot af confusion and pain in our relationship already before we got married and anyway I chose to say yes to him in the church - before God and people… “for good and for bad…” 😢…and Ithought things would be better during years of marriage😢😮 Not!!! It did not, or yes sometimes I felt he changed to the better… But now, 25 years and 3 children later, I see (and regret og mourn…) a lot of things- and years spent on fighting inside home… Figthing for my right to be just the person I am…😢
Straight jacket!! Yes!!/ both are from the same background. Yes! Each partner completes the other. Yes!
More and more often I find a lot of narcissistic features in myself.
I was forbidden to experience any real emotions as a child I tried to create them in my heart based on reading a lot of books. And in my fantasies I was always loved.
But in real life I don't behave like a 'king of my kingdom'. It's not fair on another person.
I am happy to be diagnosed as a narcissist just to be cured.
I feel like a narcissist who doesn't want to be one.
My mum is a narcissist I am very empathic but have narcissistic traits. So I hear you . When a teenager I did a lot of fantasising. I don’t do the cycles of abuse thank god but I get bored quite easily . I know when my traits kick in and I am working on them . I had a habit of picking narcissists but don’t anymore . I recognise a good loving person now . The narc can pick up these lack of confidence signs . So now I am more direct in my feelings and emotions . And stay away from these toxic people. I tell them at the beginning what I will and won’t tolerate and have been narc free for years . Also went no contact with my mummy dearest a year ago .
Dude, you are a unique blend of emotional qualities. Narcissus fell in love with himself but he did NOT know it was himself he was looking at, he became close and rigid and died from it. People believing narcissus was a narcissist says a lot about the lack of depth people are operating from. Narcissist deem themselves superior and better, narcissus did not think himself superior and better because he had no clue it was himself he was looking at. One can draw many things about projection other than narcissism.
People obsessed with tags tend to be cerebral narcissists like the man who makes these videos and they often terrify others into self diagnosis they don’t really have. Reading what you wrote I can tell you are very likely not a narcissist. Using therapy talk to terrify people into self diagnosis is a common manipulation tactic these days. Give yourself some room to breath.
@@mandymckeown8625so what is it, that you Tell them right from the start?
Have you any examples for me?
Thank you 🙂
I’m not a psychologist or anything in that matter. I don’t think you’re a narcissist. Narcissist will never accept to being a narcissist. They’re always, I mean always in denial. I’ve come across a real narcissist. We had a relationship for 8 months. Tried to break up a couple of times. Until I went to no contact. I’m glad I didn’t share my FB account, didn’t introduce to my close friends. Because he is a stalker on the web. I should’ve listened to my instincts.
I wish i could meet you Professor. I believe I can learn a lot from you. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us. Appreciate it.
gmorning prof........
Very nice thank you
I don't know about anyone else but I wouldn't change anything regarding my obsessive fantasy history. Yes, I was hurt deeply and fell into deep sadness but I also did see myself in the best light and positivety.. Thank you God! I am ready for my next adventure!❤❤❤
Wow. This was crazy to read 😂
Psycho
Great channel, its good to learn about this stuff.
but the fantasy is my best friend always. love is way to painful to handle or face even
The 'world' we are in is almost unbelievable. People lost sight of who they are. I 'hate' the modern phrases.
How long did we manage on this planet without these terms/labels....🤔
However, bless this man, Thank you 🙏🏻
💟💟💟
Yes, please do a video on codependent merger infusion.
25:05 - so basically narcs fall in love with themselves.
Interesting
"Is not love bombing, it's bombing. Ask any gazan." Sam humour is the best. 😊
Thank you. 🙏🏻💜
Prof. Vaknin, I have two questions about snapshots.
1) Let's say a narcissist had 10 girlfriends. He has now a "collection" of 10 "photoshopped snaphots" in his mind. I wonder if these snaphots are photoshopped in the same way? Are they, somehow, clones of each other? Do I, his other ex girlfriends, our replacement and future replacements are identical in his mind, have identical features, or will the narcissist create different ideal versions of Mommy 2.0?
2) If a destiny of narcissist's girlfriend is to become his temporary Mommy 2.0 , will she be perceived as someone who has the same features his real mother has, or will she be perceived as a polar opposite of the real mother?
1. More or less the same 2. Watch the videos in the shared fantasy playlist on my main channel.
Thank you! I am watching mentioned videos, good to know I'll find the answer there, that's great! They are very informative and truly life-changing, mostly for someone like me, who was raised by narcissists, and then was in a relationship with a narcissistic psychopath. Thanks to you, I was able to truly forgive myself, for not knowing what I was dealing with.
The whole process of narcissistic separation-individuation is shocking. Now I wonder, how a victim can resolve cognitive dissonance, when from one hand I know, that my abuser was merciless towards me, acting on purpose, with premeditation (his "adult" psychopathic part), yet totally victimized, underdeveloped 2 year old. (his "childish" narcissistic part). I can easily forgive the "childish" part of him. But how to convince myself not to hate his seemingly "adult" psychopathic part? I hope one day I will find an answer, because it keeps me stuck. Thank you once again! I really appreciate your amazing insight, Prof. Vaknin.@@nothingnessnonarcissism
FACTS ...YET ... Like the BARBIE MOVIE
I CAN'T UNSEE IT!!! GRACIAS
True video sam vaknin
The childmen and the childwomen want (mostly subconciously) a partner, that is like the good parent they never had.
So as you are their save and stable partner, they treat you as a parent from that they want to seperate, to get free. Like now, that they have you as parent replaced, they feel better in them selves and like teenagers that can go to parties now, to find girls or boys to play and have sex with.
So you give safety that they can go for playing and come home, as they please and think you are still there as a loving momy or daddy should be. 😮
Vielen Dank
this!! people dont understand why I still love him and I always say "I dont know.. its the way he looks at me" or I say "I get him, and I like him, I just dont know what I did to make him hate me" or worse cuz we are still married its 23 years my whole adulthood I dont know a life apart from him and its hard to see one when you still have to work with them to make things work till you can separate the lines get blurred so fast! I will know who and what he is and say I dont want it but then he will "hoover" test and find a way to get me talking or to do something for him and before I know it maybe it can work.... I appreciate you saying it is the nature of the the relationship cuz I see hin doing the same! and I learned from you I am no better just the opposite side of the same coin! makes soooo much sense!! I get him and love the idea of him and his idea of me we have two kids (adults) and the knotted twisted mostly unspoken chaos we have is a mirror into me and my childhood 100% where to go from here is the fun part cuz NOW I know it can never work outside of how it has worked! many blessing to you!
Very true, indeed.
My brain hurts!
Hi Dr. Sam, could you do a video on Scientology?
Yes, please!
Very informative!
My ex-narc is the saddest thing .. delusional idiot. What a horror. NC 1 year. He has not 1 concept of what love feels like.
" ... tourist in this delusional kingdom ... "
Does the Narc have any favorit parter of all these ? Any woman which he “loves” most ?
In my opinion this is exactly what is going on with borderlines. They don`t experience real (true/normal) emotions. For example when in the idealization phase they express their emotions strongly, but it doesn`t feel real for their partner: something is wrong. If you take away all those words and gestures, something is missing. But this is only my experience.
What does that say about the partner that falls in love with their idealized self? Does that imply that they are narcissistic too or is that a “typical” response? I left my 16y marriage with our 4 kids ,including our special needs daughter that he’s never cared about, 7 years ago. Last year I had a near death experience and a few months later the trauma of it all hit me from out of the blue and I kept saying to my older son that I feel as though I’ve been sleep walking, like the veil of the world has been ripped off and I’ve been catapulted into a cold harsh reality….as thought I’ve been living in a daze until now. I can’t figure out if I’ve been mortified or if I have finally exited the shared fantasy once and for all! I met him when I was 22 so haven’t really known anyone else as an adult partner. All the signs were there form the beginning, that shared fantasy though was too irresistible. He even used to say that I was “putty in his hands”….
Wholeness, yes, that I experience with my covert
@nothingnessnonarcissism @samvaknin can you do a video about what happens when one takes a narcissist back after the narcissist physically discards them several times.
If narcissist comes self-aware, are they still doomed on this repetition of a shared fantasy? Is it absolute?
Yes. Search my main channel for "aware".
It surely does not just apply to narcissist types though?
Only mentally ill people develop a shared fantasy.
Hi - @ 21:12, do you mean to say that pwBPD are oft described as "failed narcissists," not the other way around? Tx
This is Kernberg's view, not mine: narcissism is a defense against borderline.
Dealing with internal objects arises from same failure in individuation separation that causes lack of boundaries, yes?
Search my main channel for "othering".
Not one of 3 has ever said that to me.
5:27 I was at war with my mother half the time growing up, lots of yelling, screaming and slamming doors. Given my track record with dating....it never turned out well. Is there hope for me to improve or recalibrate?
Edit: so basically you need to allow yourself to be vulnerable and open to getting hurt?
I would say first ask yourself why you’re looking for a partner. Don’t be generic or don’t let your answer be driven by what society says to do. What are YOU looking for and why. I would say a good portion of people are looking for saviors, time holes, place holders, bandages, and replacement parents. Identify if you fall into any of those categories, find out why you can’t fill those spaces yourself, fill those spaces and then look again. Almost guaranteed higher quality matches
@@sj3969 well I never asked myself that before but it didn't take long to figure out. The "why" is for my own selfish reasons, I have this thing where I don't believe I'm worthy of being loved & need validation. Like my sense of self worth comes from being with someone and having a partner would affirm that I'm not....dirt
@@elyksteeley1181 I would suggest therapy, cbt maybe. Another human cannot do what you are asking of them. Most who step forward will either be as selfishly inclined, or will become burnt out.
@@sj3969 I am in therapy. It wasn't until earlier this year I basically became self aware and had too many questions as to what's wrong with me
How long does the shared fantasy usually last?…
Been there
Do. They know there is Christmas time at all??
of course. As well as birthdays (or should I see birth week). The whole month of October is dedicated to Halloween (look at my pretty costume!). The whole month of December is dedicated to Christmas (look at my expensive gifts!). Too cold for October? Drama. Too warm for December? Drama. The "wrong" kind of decorations at a super store? More Drama. They revel in this sort of stuff and they never run out of things to talk about.
Whenever you explain the shared fantasy i just see the horrific and horroble life of him with his absent mother or emotionally dead, my heart just can't digest the emotional slaughter of delicat innocent small human being, narcissism is a reaction to hoŕror
But Not everybody that grows up with that, becomes a narcicist.
@@Butterfly828-x8e and not all narcissists had abusive mothers.
If borderline can loose diagnosis, could narcissist be regressed to borderline in therapy and then be able to loose diagnosis as borderline?
No.
Good humor!
Nice you speak German. 🙂
Anyone know where the distinguished professor resides i.e. country?
North Macedonia
Very interesting. It would be the natural way to not improve yourself. Why stay fit or learn to become a better self if you live in this fantasy life. Where are the flaws in this view? No where according to these couples.
Instead of acting out out shit show, is there a alternative for the narc who is self aware?
Hi, DrSam❤what are you drinking? It always looks deliciously lovely!
Sounds like to me that narcissists have the best of all worlds.... Where can I get some this cool aid?
hello, what does an adult narcissist who has suffered emotional incest and who claims to have a close relationship of unconditional love with his mother feel?
Do psychopaths love bomb or is it just narcs
Mostly narcissists and psychopathic narcissists.
Fantasy bond
Very true sir. Love bombing esp in social media is the reason why i haven't been married.
Same here went no contact with my narc mum a year ago . Won’t tolerate narc men anymore as I am aware now ❤
Social media was the final nail in humanities ability to have honest, loyal, faithful relationships.
It's the most toxic place I've ever seen.
I wish I had never joined Instagram cuz boy did I get played!
I told my son 10 years ago that I felt social media was EVIL. It's narcissistic and addictive. I've never created a social media account. Didn't want to participate in that game. Even the co-founder admitted during an interview that he and Zuckerberg purposely created Facebook to be addictive, based on casino game's addictiveness!
Syssyphus even did mountainbiking....up,down.
Woow
When I loved myself I couldnt be in any relationship 😊
How do you know whos the narcissist if theyre both mirroring each other? And is there a solution to this situation? Can speaking your truth and showing your emotions not cause the discarding to happen?
Discard is inevitable. Watch the videos in the shared fantasy playlist on my main YT channel.
It might be easier to tell
When you are not the one instigating the problems constantly and are always willing to resolve and consider you’re not always right
Yes Professor blue cough🎽reject the fantasy📼🚮realizing your own worth .
I don't really believe that true love really exists! Especially, between men & women!
It does exist for sure. I love my father, even if he is a narcissist. I know he is a narcissist. I have healthy boundaries now and I don't react to his attempts to provoke me from time to time. I genuinely express my love for him, I take care of him. I want the best for him. I know he won't change. But I won't change either. Loving people is a part of my identity. And love is not a feeling. It's an attitude. I choose (!) to do good to someone, even if I have "bad" feelings sometimes.
In the same time, I don't justify his unpleasant behaviours or provocations.
If it's possible this way, it's even more possible when two people are mutually loyal, caring, supportive etc.
Love is hard work, not a euphoric feeling
@@barb7124 If it does exist, unconditional love is maybe what a man can have for a woman. Women can't/don't love men in that same capacity! Just the way it is!
I'm so sad how peple speak about narc. I had strong narsissit tendencies but ten years Ago i found meditaaion.
Maybe women are more selfish now because we've been crapped on by men a lot in the past so while we heal it looks like narcissistic personalities however what if some are in recovery from abuse, it's off topic because I know this is in relation to narcissists... sometimes I think the term is being used very wrongly ❤
@32:16} N.
I'll #FINISHiT Tomorrow. I'm 😴 🛏️😴.
i wasn't an am not picking on you so never think that. . . You just confused me because to be so brilliant you contradict yourself a lot and my brain doesn't understand that so I'll be trying to find clarity.
🌃) #MyBRILLIANTProfessor.
Will npd in marriage with hsp empathetic person , devalue her due to jealousy that she has not the same internal core as him . Or this marriage will become successful. In my country more than 90 percent people are having small child in them . 😂
What do you mean? They are immature?
@@barb7124 yes they are emotionally immature. They will laugh on your face and will make fun of you even on death of your parents. Some are really so sadistic that they don't want to see real emotions.
Or herself
That's funny because his last name even starts with the letter L.
Chris Watts! 😢
Sorry 60 don't have time for true love. Don't even believe such a thing exists on planet earth
Well we can love kids unconditional.
But in relationships it's harder to love unconditional, because in a relationship you have expectations, rules spoken or unspiken, wishes and needs and it's much Harder there, to love free.
From that monent on, in that you want to feel save with someone, start something with someone, build something, love becomes conditional. And sometimes you feel unconditional love for your partner too. This happens in the moments, when you Wish him to be himself and happy, no matter what.
But you know what?
It's OK that relationships are conditional and that love is not just butterflys, but a decision you make to take care, even after the butterflys have gone.
And that unconditional love is something with that WE should raise our children and our inner self. Than we can get along easier in life later on.
You crack me up
Hello. Thank you for sharing your time&knowledge. I got here a bit wakward way-through searching narcissism/case of my marriage-wife/, Daria Żukowska's channel and-recently-video w/You. ;). Recent pandemy/?/ of narcissism, self-oriented therapy goals bring me to consideration it became more spiritual thing now.../signum temporis/-i mean :most obviously people will not get peace &harmony while being orientented solely on themselves..,just wonder your oppinion. Btw: Now it confirmed my feeling and observations so far-my wife turned all her paint and unsolved spaect w/her mother and put it onto me. Strange and terrible. No communaction/nobody there/, all typical phases and aspect of nacissistic relation. Of course its no diagnosis, just my research and 20 y.observations ((
Steady on , that word makes me feel claustrophobic . ☝️ I have a solution to the problem though , no more relationships just furbabies 🐱🐶 focus on the good aspects of life , some people are not fixable . It is what it is.
Thank you so much Dear Professor Sam Vaknin ❤