Why narcissists ruin your big days
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 13 окт 2024
- ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
smarturl.it/no...
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
doctor-ramani....
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
www.drramanine...
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
forms.gle/1RRU...
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
forms.gle/Bv9G...
LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple...
Spotify: open.spotify.c...
Stitcher: www.stitcher.c...
iHeart Radio: www.iheart.com...
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
The worst is when you preemptively avoid talking about your achievements because you know you will be punished for them.
Yup
Yes!
Yes
☹️
Or be devalued and made to feel worthless
EVERY. SINGLE. EVENT. It didn't even have to be about me. They just had to ruin everything. EVERYTHING!
Absolutely! Since I actively started looking at his behaviour as possible narcissism everything fits, literally everything, to the point I can predict it. We were relieved he was spending Christmas at someone else's house, we predicted a melt-down because he wouldn't be getting ALL the attention. I wondered if I was being mean, or if he only treats me like that, or if it was MY perception that was skewed...until he DID have a Christmas day meltdown, that rolled into major drama for a lot of people on Boxing day too.
Now we're into 'birthday month' (mine and my daughter's, close together). Is it a coincidence that there is always so much of his drama at this time of year that our birthdays are always ruined? We predicted drama but again I wondered if I was just being mean, after all, this year he is in hospital so creating drama would be near impossible and without alcohol maybe it wouldn't happen? Could it be an alcohol issue rather than narcissism?
Starting from my daughter's birthday, through the days between, and right into the day after mine, he created non-stop drama. There was NO alcohol involved and he did it from a position where it needed to be especially convoluted and took a lot of effort to cause disruption in my life, yet he did it.
Yup every single one. It's sickening. So glad I got out
@@jessicataylor7174 Alcohol vs narcissism. I wanted to pipe up and state my amateur belief. I think all the cluster B personality disorders have alcohol at the root somewhere in the family dynamic, and that the two illnesses feed on and magnify each other. I'm not even sure you can have cluster B PD's without alcohol somewhere in the history. But again that's just my amateur observation.
@@engleharddinglefester4285 I agree alcohol is OFTEN a factor in cluster B personality disorders, but I 100% guarantee it is not ALWAYS a factor.
Also, depending on what you mean by 'somewhere in the family dynamic' and 'somewhere in the history', alcohol could be attributed to just about anything in the country I live in, while disproved as a factor in anything in the country of my ethnic origins.
It is a common symptom/problem in cluster B personality disorders in the western world, but cluster B personality disorders definitely exist in people and societies without alcohol.
There is such a thing as a “dry” drunk. It is an AA and Alanon term. The term means a person who doesn’t drink or so drugs and yet displays the behavior of an alcoholic such as erratic behavior, crazy making, blame game, etc My Mom is like that a dry drunk, narcissist and rageaholic
Yes! My mom was only “nice” when bad things happened. Finally realized she actually never wanted things to go well for me.
same here
Yup
Thats really unfortunate! 😔
My teenage daughter goes after me; i was a young motherless mother and was so desperate for attention and got none so i turned to prescription drugs to cope. Lost everything bc i never made up a career for myself to be able to have her live with me and she IS rightfully upset with me! She won’t accept me if I don’t give her money. She lashes out if I tell her I love her and Im sorry for hurting her... She laughs at me and my pain. I did the same to my mother & she died when i was 13. Now i feel so sorry for how I treated her when she was alive.
Yes...I'm with you. Yep. Mine ruined my sister and I weddings. They came dressed in black.
When I was 6 months pregnant with my son 22 years ago and my X kept telling me, (we were both finishing our degrees at the same time) you don't have to finish your last class, it's okay if you drop out. I knew in my gut, that he would hold it over my head and shame me for not finishing but he also wanted me not to get the degree so he could "one up" me. Needless to say I finished my degree one month before my son was born. Thanks be to God I did finish my degree because when we got divorced, that degree had allowed me to have a decent job to survive his wrath during the divorce.
Wow.Outsmarted him👍🏽
Wow, you were amazing - want to shout out to you and say 'very well done' - you won there. I know it shouldn't be about that, but sometimes it is. Respect x
I feel that mine has ruined or made me quit each time I'm about "step up" in life! I'm feeling so crazy that it's ME!!
When I was pregnant 46 years ago, he told me if anything was “wrong with IT” we were “getting rid” of it. Back then you didn’t even have ultrasound. When she was sick with a fever when she was a few months old, I asked him if he still wanted to get rid of her if that fever harmed her in any way. He didn’t like that! At all! Btw. I got rid of him a few months later. 😂
My mom is so covertly jealous of me getting my degree. She beat the hell out of me after my graduation barbecue. Her reasoning was because I was drinking. I was 25 years old and it was a struggle to get through college. I guess celebrating was a bad thing.
"they don't like other people getting attention" 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
All of the above!
In a nutshell- a narcissist will shit on everything that means anything to you unless it’s going to benefit them financially, lol
Sorta like a Cockatiel. Lol
Lmao 😂 so right
I was isolated and home schooled and indoctrinated by my parents. For further isolation they kept us in a hoarder house so we couldn't have friends. Looking back I estimate that when I left for the Army I had the emotional maturity of a ten year old child. Basic training was indescribably difficult for me. Bigger and stronger guys failed for various reasons. I got sick and got put in the hospital but still came back and passed my final P.T. test a week later. I did the final road march just trying not to pass out. My parents knew what they had done to my life. My mother flew to Georgia and came to Ft Benning for my basic training graduation and all she could do was point out that I didn't get an award as a top graduate. That was nothing compared to what my parents did to my siblings though. Narcissists are not fit to be parents.
It's absolutely horrible. But I bet you are a very strong person who will succeed beyond your wildest dreams- just don't let them know! Be positive and make the world better :)
@@Chahlie Thank you. Before learning big words like narcissism it was interesting to observe that the only things in my life that went well were the things that my family didn't know about. You are spot on! Over fifteen years no contact and I have literally lived in my car because I know that contacting family will cost too much trouble. As for strength most of it got used up just getting out but that's how it goes. It's nice to watch videos like this and read comments I can relate to from people who understand. Cheers.
As you work to succeed and overcome problems, you will increase your self-confidence. Make sure you live somewhere geographically different than these parents. It helps a lot. And consider going no-contact.
I'm so sorry for what you and your siblings have suffered. The Lord bless you and I am praying for you right now.
@@scinformation7229 think of Turpin 'family!'
They are scared and insecure baby's in an adult body!
Babies don't derive pleasure from causing pain and distress though.
Fine answer and we can't even parent them can we?
@@niadler4989 These people do many childish things but they aren't child like if that makes any sense. I watched my father in his seventies act like a raging out of control five year old but there was a lot of planning and malice behind his every move. Being childish just seems to be a weapon.
@@niadler4989 No Narc will ever take responsibility for anything!!! That's why I consider them like this, they are far away for being adults!!! Was no justifying for them, was my opinion to my experience. Each of us has a different one!
Yup, 2 year old temper tantrum monsters.
I’m 70 years old. Where were you when I was a teenager! Your vlog should be in every high school curriculum. Narcissists are everywhere. Thank you for identifying these toxic personalities!
DrRamini is an Angel!
The very best gift that we as Survivors could ever have!❤
Beverley- I am the high school teacher who is out there teaching this right now xxx
i didnt know this is why some people in my life were like this wish would have watched sooner overall The best info about this i have seen.
Yes and Amen!
Beautiful response
I always joked about having a decoy wedding for my sister to ruin then she leaves in a fit and I'm like ok folks let's get this party started🤣🎉
I used to "wonder" why the Narcissist was always scowling, nit-picking or throwing jabs when I was happy, then couldn't wait to come to "soothe" me when I was sad?
They secretly liked to see 👀
me unhappy!
Wow! Now you know. However, know that not everyone is a narcissist.
I didn't even hardly get any soothing unless I was or am having having a total and complete meltdown ✌
My mother has had an obsession with “fixing” me, since childhood. It’s not that she wants to see me unhappy, she just has to be the solver. So, she has always made up (or indeed created!) the problems that she can then heroically solve. Got her number in my 20s, still took years to disconnect & figure out she is by far my biggest problem. Love to see her solve herself ;) Now, in my 50’s, she is still my biggest problem, as her care & madness take up too much space in my head, and time in my day. But, I’m way past being emotionally attached. So things are better.
You are lucky. At least your narc sooty you when you are sad. My husband? he’s angry with me for being sad and depressed because of work issues. He once threw a tantrum to me when I cried for my grandmother’s death and blamed me for losing emotional control. The harder he shouted to me, more painful and tears I dropped. I feel so lonely and unloved. I’d never forget those moments in my life.
Took a covert narc best "friend" out to the salon for my birthday as a girls day out (my treat). She then proceeded to sulk, pout, glare at me with those dead eyes and give me the silent treatment. All out of no where. Flipped like a switch. Ruined my mood, ruined my day. Repayed my kindness with evil.
The following year, days before my birthday she says "What are we doing for your birthday, we have to do something special!" I said "Yes, spending it alone".. I did spend it alone and I was at peace.
Learned my lesson. Went no contact the following month.
Wow!! Unbelievable. You took her out on your birthday?!
One narc friends was a straight up mean b word. When I took her out to the river. I paid for everything, lunch, coffee, lunch, kayak , pizza. Even after all that. She was an extreme insulting jerk the whole time.
@@desireedesenna9673 Yeah, that was the theme of our "friendship". I gave, she took. A narcissist will take and take and take from you and still spit in your face afterwards. (As your friend proved too).
Anytime you are involved with them, it is a purely parasitic interaction. They're the parasite and you're the host.
Will never allow myself to be anyone's host ever again.
@@renewed93 trippy right? You would think that they would be thankful or nice. I was a really great friend to that narc for several years.
Good job for cutting off that narc.
I cut mine off and actually told her to stop contacting me.
Every once in awhile she'll text me dumb pictures of herself... what the?
@@desireedesenna9673 Lol. They don't do well with boundaries... good for cutting yours off too!
@@renewed93 you too. Stay healthy awesome happy and covid free 🙋🏽♀️
It’s very interesting how we start protecting ourselves by anticipating the worst behaviour from the narc on special days and stop being joyous 🙁
When, all we have to do is to ignore the narc and choose happiness anyway
Perfectly stated.
Absolutely
Yes but it can be hard. Not inviting them or even cutting off contact completely won't erase their knowledge that it's your birthday or stop them finding out if you have an event. The lengths they will go to have no limit and they will drag ANYONE into it if it serves their purpose.
@@jessicataylor7174 So true.
It isn't so easy to ignore them if you are a child and they're a parent. My mother relished in my isolation so much that when no one showed up to my birthday party, she said, "oh well." Her answer for EVERYTHING was "I don't know what to tell you." It wasn't until I was in my 40s and I was living on the other side of the earth for me to finally cut ties completely. When she tried to lay a guilt trip, I said, "I learned from the best. I... Don't... Know... What... To... Tell... You."
She went silent on the phone and I said, "how does it feel?"
She did try one more time to worm her way in, through messages. She used her flying monkey, her SIXTH husband, as a shield. She has done that for her last 3 husbands and even used my brother as one.
I never ever experienced a normal birthday, graduation or vacation in my whole life. I am not even interested in these things anymore because to me they are like staying at a hospital or something else that just sucks
It's especially sad when they have to ruin it for their own children.
My mother ruined every birthday in my whole lifetime. Everyone.
Even though I tried so hard to explain why I needed her to stop drinking so much on my Birthday, she would never listen and she kept justifying herself, like lol what’s the problem?? Even now being an adult I tried telling her why it was wrong of her to do it - nope! Anyway, I gave up and now I will just make sure my bday is the way I want it and she has no power to ruin it anymore :)
I absolutely get you.
Same with mine. Some cheap thoughtless gift, then back to making things about her.
On my birthdays, tours and festivals she feels so angry or sick and keep mourning in pain. I always felt guilty in those situations like I am not supposed to feel happy when someone else is suffering. It was sad. My birthday is on next month and I'm already anticipating what it's going to be this time. I can't even walk away or leave this place.
☹️ she ruined my stage 3 cancer survivor birthday party 💔
@@msmeowbebe this is heartbreaking..
It gets to the point where whenever you feel happy you immediately feel dread because of that conditioning. It took going to therapy to finally sort it out that their behavior caused my PTSD. Please cut these people off if you are going through this!
Yes, to the point I was afraid to show I was enjoying whatever I was doing in their presence. Dared not to show confidence or stand with chest out shoulder back in front of my mom.
@@joincoffee9383 Yes, so true. They will knock you off your high horse, so they say. Its sad, as a mother they dont teach you the life skills and boundaries to help you proceed in life. Instead they instill doubt, fear, guilt and shame and that others always have it worse. The first debbie downers in life lol
I just got the manager's post at my work place, and I can completely relate to this. I was so happy and instantly I remembered I'd have to keep it a secret due to the narcs in my immediate family.
@@ha8236 Congrats and im sorry to hear this. They often see themselves as justified in their words and actions when in reality there is something wrong with them! Its not a normal dynamic at all to be that way!
@@Jess-kn8vl Feeling joyful is always immediately followed by anxiety, guilt and fear of retribution. Any time I seemed happy at all my mum would shout at me and call me arrogant. Every, Single. Time. I'm middle-aged, haven't seen her for 20+ years, and I am STILL trying to overcome this. It's exhausting unpicking the damage of abuse.
They want us to beg them to allow us celebrate our big days.They are jealous, shattered of how happy we could be
Absolutely right. It’s like you have to ask them for permission to experience happiness. This really gets at the monstrous way narcs all seem to view other people. They think everyone’s default state should be unhappiness, and that those who dare to be happy without making it about the narc need to be punished for it.
So true and so odd behavior
@@nimmieamee1988 "Default state," yep. I concur.
GOD LET THEM CELEBRATE!
I was smart to elope for my wedding. I did this because I just KNEW my father would start sing/songing “here comes the bride, all fat and wide…here comes the groom, skinny as a broom”. Plus, he even told me afterwards, “I’ll be g-d damned if you think I would pay for your wedding (even though he paid for all my siblings).
Eloping was the best move I ever made.
NOT IN GOD'S EYES!
He took away my joy on the day my grandson was born. I went from walking on sunshine, to bawling and being in turmoil.
Ironically watching this video on my birthday - I refuse to allow my ex-narc to ruin my day!
Same here! Happier Birthday!
Write and Tell Happy birthday blessings to you!!! Hope you have a wonderful day!!!🥳
Happy birthday! 🎂✨
Happy birthday!
@@sarahjo3377 Happy birthday!
Every year I am always sad during my birthday because my own boyfriend don't greet me. He will just greet me late at night when I'm already crying.. I am so confused why he is like that.. I just tried to understand him.. Also, whenever we go vacationing somewhere he is always having tantrum. Happy to be free now and no longer crying on my birthdays..Crazy, Crazy! Thank you GOD I am saved
I hope you got away from him!
You go girl!! Got away from that guy. You'll be happier without him. Trust me. I think about 12 years ago I went out with a guy that would play games and not do anything for my birthday and other celebrations. Dude was a broke dick. I was desperate to be with anyone. I left that guy and trust me you'll find someone that'll worship the ground that you walk on and bring you Rose's whenever and on your birthday
That’s horrible. So sorry you experienced that.
Good for you for leaving!!! X
@@desireedesenna9673 worship the ground that you walk on?? Really? That’s ....grandiose
I watched the Paris Hilton documentary, and her ex boyfriend started trying to ruin her day 5 minutes before she went on set to DJ. Unreal how it's like these narcissists share a brain when it comes to their strategies.
I saw that. He was so piss drunk and I get that he probably felt hurt and neglected as she is a very busy woman with no time for a bf, but dude keep your shit together, why now of all occasions
I thought about the same thing when I saw the documentary! Spot on spot on!!!!🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾
I was so glad that she told him to leave and take his pass! Wow!!!! Those energy vampires are everywhere
Guy she sexed a balcony scene? He supposed to be climbing the rose bush and giving her balcony poetry!
I immediately thought of Paris Hilton's boyfriend while watching this video!
(1) They are attention seekers
(2) Afraid of abandonment so they don’t want you to move up in life
(3) Don’t want to loss control so they isolate you
(4) They are prone to jealousy of you & your accomplishments
I was married to a narcissist for 23 years. I never could figure out what in the hell was going on or why she tore every good thing apart. It wasn't until after our divorce that I was made aware of the nature of a narcissist, and you hit the nail right on the head. Our marriage was a sacrament in our church, but I discovered that divorce can be a blessed sacrament too!! Thank You for sharing this.
Amen
Ditto ditto ditto
Divorce is of the DEVIL!
I was just thinking last night how if we could get rid of narcissism we would have world peace. Serious.
It would take more than that to achieve world peace, but it would definitely make a lot of lives more peaceful!
Hurt people hurt people.
Couldn't agree more. I have been saying for a long time, hurting people hurt people. Another one is, which I said to him a few times. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy. Then I said go ahead & be right, I am choosing to be happy, then would walk away. 👍🤣
@@carolv1791 'Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?' I love that!
Yes they do, but I am hurting beyond what most never experience in their whole lifetimes. I DON’T DO WHAT THEY DO. NO LAME EXCUSES. ITS A CHOICE.
YES. I don’t have the energy to go into everything but this is spot on.
I am so feeling the “don’t have the energy to get into everything” sentiment! Instant like because we all can relate!
@@80islandia Yes!
Your comment speaks volumes on what you have been through, "I don't have the energy to go into everything."
Lord, if we arent all exhausted from the whole process of dealing with these type of people. Sending prayers and peace of mind to anyone STILL dealing with them ❤
Exactly 🙌🏾
My mother did this with my exams, my wedding, the birth of my baby, even my miscarriage... I could go on... I went back and asked for forgiveness every time. Any successes I had (through hard work) were either attributed to her or just luck. But never me. So happy to be no-contact.
ONLY FOR GOD TO CAST YOU IN HELL WHILE YOUR MOTHER IS IN HEAVEN!
Every single thing!!! My birthday, my promotion party at work, Halloween with the family. I used to cry every time and wonder WHY he’s doing this. This video just explained everything and I can’t look at him without seeing an angry 3 year old. Which is a blessing because now I just laugh at him. Dr. Ramani you have changed my life with your videos thank you for all that you do for us
They manage to find a way to even ruin their own big days.
If they achieved attention, to them it isn't ruined. If they make everyone else stressed and running about after them, that is success. They don't ruin their own events and spend them sitting crying at home alone...if they 'ruin' their own event they get even more attention than the event would have provided without their additional drama.
Just experienced this and it was traumatic 🤕🤮🥵 and it was his birthday! I mean he verbally beat me up. I was so confused. This also occurred whenever I was feeling happy or joyful. Sucked the air out of life.
@@linzslove1 That's awful honey 😞 Every time you relax and start to feel happy they sabotage it, to the point you get anxious about feeling good. Even though he's not here now, any time I feel relaxed and good it feels like the calm before a storm. Sorry to hear you're going through this. Are you able to get out of this relationship and go 'no contact'? Sending hugs from Scotland!
@@jessicataylor7174 thank you so much for your concern! And yes, as soon as I left I blocked him and I haven't talked to him since!! I did apologize for my reaction because I lost it and of course I'm an empath😢 but I don't need to know his response to anything as I know it will be lethal. Thanks again for being supportive and may all you desire come to fruition🙏🏽
@@linzslove1 Well done! You should feel very proud of how you've dealt with it! Stay strong! 😊🤗
This explains how my mother acted at my college graduation. My father and step-mother looked thrilled and congratulated me for graduating magna cum laude. Mother scowled the whole day. She took me aside and said, “Before you get too big for your britches, just remember: I will always be better than you are.” I guess she worried about seeing her scapegoat being treated well.
That is so horrible. I’m sorry
Wow what a horrid mother. Competing against her own flesh and blood. Unfortunately I know the feeling. Mine compared chest sizes and laughed saying am smaller than hers. Gross, I know. But it did make me insecure until I got into my 30s and breast sizes didn't mean anything to me.
@@ha8236 That's not just competing, it's also sexual humiliation. It's crossing a sexual boundary between parent and child too. It has additional dimensions than other things they compete with us over. Anyone who does that is an unfit parent. Sorry she put you through that and I hope you have confidence in yourself now. Big hugs!
@loisferell That's so damaging :( My mum used to always sing 'Anything you can do I can do better' at me. She never came to my graduation because "It's not worth it!". That's something I will never forgive her for. It hurts so much. I'm glad your dad and step-mum were proud and supportive. Your success and achievements deserve celebrating :)
@@jessicataylor7174 Thank you Jessica, I didn't think of it that way. I was just very uncomfortable by the conversation as it was said infront of my brother, who is the golden child in my family too. They both thought it was funny. It took me a long time to feel secure in my body again. But I am in a better place now Xx
My mom literally tried to have her vows renewed at my wedding. My husband shut that down, cause being really young and well trained, I almost went along with it. I felt like I wasn't important enough to have my own day.
Anyhoo, since that didn't work out, my mom decided to antagonize one of my husband's friend's wives at the reception instead. This woman had just had her first child and my mom lasered in on her and decided to continuously question her mothering skills (oh the irony) and demanded to hold the baby when the baby wouldn't stop crying. The lady removed herself from the reception and my mom followed her. Finally the lady snapped at her. She had the nerve to be angry and leave when nobody took her side. And she actually lobbied at my reception for people, some of whom she didn't even know, to take her side. This was my norm with her until I finally decided I had enough for good last year. I feel so much relief now and like my own person.
You are now in good company, supported inall ways, healing up in a good family I hope!!
OMG
Your husband is a smart man
Wow lemme guess.. your husband was coincidentally NOT her favorite person, right? And I can only imagine the stonewalling & non apologies after something like that, how awful. Talk about hijacking by any means necessary. It’s insane when u think about just how much memorable damage a single narc can do
I can relate to everything you said. Sounds exactly like my mother.
this right here is what led me on the path of divorce. I googled my soon-to-be-ex's behavior "Why does my husband ruin special events" and he ticked EVERY SINGLE BOX of a narcissist. I didn't know what had been happening - I just thought he was a difficult person but everything started falling into place when I found this character disorder. I began to feel validated for the first time in my life and it was such a relief !
My daughter's fiance acted out in so many ways and ruined her wedding. He has attacked and estranged most of her family and friends. Still, she married him. For this, it us difficult not to despise him, and she broke my heart by offering no defense of her family.
My narcissistic ex tried to cancel my surprise birthday party, telling my best friend that I didn’t deserve it. The organizing of the party went on without him. It was about celebrating ME, organized by all the people I hold near and dear to my heart. Even after I said I wished he was there (because he didn’t show up), he was still satisfied that he didn’t come celebrate my birthday. Now I understand why.
Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Yes, it all resonates. There should be a narc island where we could send them all so they drive each other crazy.
😂
Love it 😁
Yesss
So funny & true. Would make an entertaining reality show for us narc victims.
I will support this idea!
Even your narcassist parent can ruin your big days . It is extremely difficult experience to have one 😢💔
That is why if I have something good happened to me. I just keep it to myself.
When it isn't rage, it will be snarky and belittling. Downplaying the accomplishment or scoffing at the fact that I would even think the event is for/about me.
Amelia Thomas,your lovely smile can make the news!
Mine used these techniques as much as he used rage. Comments subtle enough that I couldn't call him out on it because he would say he was joking, but I knew what he meant.
@@3Rachelharper That in itself is gaslighting
because they always need to be centre of attention. they can't stand to see anyone else happy or succeeding.
Yes, with my "mother"/sister narc duo. I remember as far back when I was eight years old. My elementary school had a Christmas concert, I practiced for weeks learning theChristmas songs. When it came to the night of the school concert, my "mother"/sister narc duo were pouting and refused to go. My dad asked my mom why she wasn't going and she loudly screamed, "Because it's BORING!!!". This was the same for every Christmas, my "mother"/sister would throw tantrums that I received gifts, and this was especially bad on my birthdays, even trashing my gifts and throwing huge tantrums. My "mother" would coddle my sister and feel sorry for her and offer her the first cut and choice slice of my own birthday cake. These situations happened well into my adulthood, and continually got worse every time I attempted to better myself; harassing me trying to go to college, my "mother" attempted to get me fired from a handful of jobs by calling my bosses and telling them I was a horrible daughter, and the effects and the stakes continued to get higher and worse. I always thought I was crazy and there was something wrong with me, I couldn't figure out why so many important things in my life went horribly bad and why my existence angered them so much. I would make myself ,and my life small to avoid making them angry. It took me until my early fifties that I finally understood the extent and effects of their evil dynamic (crazy I know, but I was groomed from childhood with this) and I finally drew my firm boundaries. In response, they flipped out and ignored me. So I wished them well and FINALLY cut them off completely. I chose to move with complete finality on cutting them out and move forward, never looking back, working on true healing and a new healthy, second chance for a happy second half of my life.
Hugs to you Ann. Understand too well every single word you said. You are so strong to have escaped and built your own life. I hope it is beautiful and magnificent and wonderful!! xx
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
I too have a narcissistic mom and sister duo. I am 37 years old and have decided about 3 weeks ago to go no contact. I am devastated, more at the loss of hope that they won't love me back. I have also been through the ringer. As a child my father took his own life with a rifle in the back yard while we were all home. He didn’t leave a suicide note but he did send a message. He took his own life on my mom's birthday. This is a message that I as a 37 year old woman have begun to really absorb and understand. I spent a large part of my childhood and adulthood crying, desperat for my mom's and sisters love, cleaning, serving them breakfast in best, giving them gifts/money, yard work, ect. When I didn't clean right or validate my mom as a small child I would get thrown outside in the snow with no shoes or jacket or in the summer with only a t-shirt on, no food or water. I often would hide a key to an old shed on the property so I would have shelter and hide but I lived in the country and it would be full of old furniture, car parts and rat droppings. My sister is ragful and tells me horrible things. I blame myself alot but I am slowly learning and seeing that it's their behavior not mine.
How have you gotten through no contact? Do you have any advice for me that you can share? I sure do appreciate any advice at all, thank you and many blessings to you. 🙏🌻
This is a great video. This is why I don’t tell people anything anymore, good news or bad. I don’t ask for help with interviews, don’t share about little successes, don’t show how happy I am at times, etc, because of people like these who will ruin and make everything worse. It hurts not to be able to share but I don’t know any other way to deal w the narcs all around me. So tired of these people! I just want to enjoy my life in peace!
Narcissism is prevalent in society, so I think you have made the right decision. Protect yourself first. Take care!
This. I can't even post such news to Facebook for fear it will reach the narcs, so I got off. Lol!
Me either.
M.L I FEEL YOU!
GEEESH ! THEIR LIKE' THE GRINCH 'OR
'OSCAR ' FROM SEASAME STREET
One of the most important thing I have learned over the years is friend selection. The right friends will exhort you and encourage your success. You can confide in those kind of friends. I pray that you will find such a person for your life.
narcissistic parents do it to their children as well- ignoring what they achieve , spoiling their wedding by arguing etc
WHEN THEY PROP YOU UP WHEN THINGS GO SIDEWAYS! It's so confusing! It makes you think for a second they really DO have your back, but really, they're secretly hoping you just fail so they can have the easy win!
they want to be your primary focus, they want 100% of your time and energy, won’t allow you to have friends or spend time with your immediate family
Thank you for covering this topic! I experienced this several times, and definitely noticed a trend. It seemed like birthdays, holidays, and major life events went hand in hand with my former narcissistic partner and an exit. I remember getting ready for my first (and only) marathon. She reached out a couple of days before and teased the idea of us getting back together. Suddenly, the night before the big day, maybe 6 hours before, she told me she didn't love me anymore and wanted nothing to do with me. I was a blubbery mess and underachieved. I truthfully believe that there wasn't any emotion behind what she did. It was just to tear me down on my day. Even if you aren't a runner and are reading this, just know I spent 18 years of my life preparing for that day. My psychologist encouraged me to block and remove all ties from her after that in order to heal! 3 years strong.
Seven years of this. Most all birthday’s(his included), holidays, big events(that he spent money on for us to enjoy) and even vacations. He’d rage, provoke, abandon me at the event or I’d get uninvited. Finally got out for good 4 months ago after spending another one of his birthday’s without him speaking to me and then mine a month later without even a happy birthday wish from him. I would look back at photos from most of these times that were supposed to be happy occasions and could only remember...yes, I had been crying either before or after this photo!
So sorry you went through that torture.
My ex did the same thing, it hurt so badly and it was only on my last Birthday that I could feel some happiness.
I can totally relate. My narc mother ruined every Christmas.
We must face the fact that happiness and peace bore some people out of their minds! When you run up on people like that....RUUUUUUUNNNNN!!!
Well done for leaving x
i havent had a proper birthday or new year celebration for years...
I've known a lot of people who behaved this way, know people are inherently selfish but looking back seems like I was living in a narcissists snake pit.
Narcissist snake pit. That's a good new name for my entire family.
Snakes on a plane
Sameee!! Even close friends! 🐍🐍🐍
they simply hate NOT BEING the centre of attention .. and wish to dominate the occasion and make a statement that .. ‘I’ll always the most significant one’ in this relationship. If one allows them to be . ..
that smacks of histrionic behavior. Of course, narcissism and histrionic personality disorder hold hands.
Right On! They grew up always being the center of attention and they have to always make it about them. Two of My Cousins are like that but nobody is impressed by them. They brag about the "Positive" because they are too ashamed of the "Negative".
My narc parents ruined every single important event in my life, from my childhood, to university graduations, career goals, wedding day, etc. Too numerous to mention. I finally went no contact when I was 45 and never told them where I was going. By the same token, they never tried to find me. Typical behaviour.
Thank you Dr. Ramani, my 82 year old narcisist mother didn't like that I started recovering from my depression and doing better, aplying for jobs, and she started to gasthlight me telling me that I'm acting wierd and that I don't look well, her putting me down was getting me depressed again, but your explanation helped me
This video came at the right time. I was wondering what just happened to me the other day. Narc purposely talked loud while i was on a call for a job interview. After completing the job interview on the phone, the narc said he going on vacation trip next week since I got so much going on and no time for him. Narc didn't congratulate me at all for getting a job offer. Now the Narc is giving me the silent treatment. I am completely fed up with this behavior.
This sounds like such childish and demeaning treatment. You deserve better. I hope better comes your way soon.
(Also, Congratulations on getting the job!)
You deserve so much better girl! Congratulations on your job x
@@MaureenWHamblin thanks so much!!!
You're obviously very talented and clever! You deserve respect and appreciation for your hard earned accomplishments not sabotage! Get this small man to the curb. Trust me on this one, I got my small man to the curb and never looked back! Best thing I've ever done!!
My narc tends to put on music really loud in the house when am doing work just to tick me off. They will never be happy for you or let you succeed.
Fortunately for me, I had realized this before retiring from my wonderful job. I avoided telling my narcissist about the big party all my great coworkers threw for me. He never questioned why an employee of 40 years had no party and I didn't have to listen to him badmouth friends I had made all the way home and. It was a great party and he wasn't given the ammunition to shoot at me.
But how can you live with a narc, especially after retiring? It must be hell having to stay with them all the time.
@@priscilalondon I've learned a LOT from Ramani's videos! Grey rock and radical acceptance have worked very well for me. My wonderful daughter is the BEST confidant. I live for my Grandchildren, pets and hobbies and avoid letting him know how important they are to me. Luckily he likes to head to the local watering hole every evening and It turns out I've had plenty of time to/for myself which I cherish 😊. Thanks for asking!
I was in a work-related leadership program that culminated with a special graduation ceremony. They encouraged everyone to invite their families. I felt awkward having no one there, but it was better than having my mom embarrass me by hijacking the event and day and lead-up to the day. She still knows nothing about it. In photos of the day, I'm by myself while others are photographed with family. This is my new normal.
@@tomranz6947 I
Yep, my mom came up to me to complain about something after my graduation ceremony before she half-heartedly congratulated me and it hurt so much. When I got engaged she didn't look happy, and found an unrelated reason to storm into my room and be angry at me in the middle of the night.
Edit: This channel has helped me so much and I really want to thank you Dr. Ramani ❤️ I've set my first low contact boundary after trying to be hoovered with guilt-trips and nostalgic pictures. I finally feel like a whole person and an adult, almost for the first time.
Good for you. Nothing like being blindsided by someone whose was supposed to love you. Accepting it is a terrible journey. But now you can protect yourself. Wishing you peace & happiness
@Lívia I wouldn't think so, she is like this only within my family of origin and nice to everyone else. She also isn't super impulsive or reckless. I'm sorry you're going through something that tough, I wish you the best.
That sounds like what my mother did to my siblings. When I saw clearly that my parents got pleasure from causing pain my sympathy for them completely died. Be strong live in truth and good luck.
Mine was flipped out jealous when she learned I was pregnant 🤔
I've been hoovered since I was little. Probably because I have never been very good at hiding my feelings and I know that I was honest early on and said what I didn't like
I have experienced this behavior ( a lot😂) but the frequency of the jealousy really surprises me. The narcissist seems to be insecure every single minute of every single day. It's always their turn to get attention; it's never someone else's turn. Very very sad.
When I quit drinking after decades of being an alcoholic my narc father would literally have fits if someone sent me an encouragement card or an alcoholic birthday card celebrating how many years I was sober I am thankful I am 29 years sober this year and he is 7 years dead
@@jaynewayne7012 Congratulations on your decades of sobriety. Excellent!
My sister said a lot of embarrassing things about me on my birthday in front of strangers. And not in a loving way, no she did it maliciously and aimed to humiliate. And all I did… was thanking my family for taking me out to dinner. A lot of what you say makes sense. I’m already considering whether or not I should invite her to my future wedding.
instead just elope then you have no issues in the future
@@colleenshea2293 I did that and they stopped talking to me for a year and ostracized me from family events because I "didn't invite them to my wedding". You just can't win no matter what you do with narcissists.
i wouldnt bother if i were you you deserve to have a happy wedding and life
PLS DON'T! Read my post about my daughter's wedding. That is why, I am
here seeking answers and validation
They are never happy for your success and never support you
Nothing like morning coffee and a good therapy session
Amen!!!
Describes my narcissistic mother perfectly. She used to take it a step further and try to ruin anything I enjoyed doing or was good at. I don’t miss her
pat beck,your lovely smile can make the news!
You're not alone 💞
I wouldn’t miss mine either.
Same, but my dad.
Girl, my mom is impossible. Sunday, I finally blocked her.
Yup this is a hallmark of egoism. Anyone else being happy or being the centre attention drives their fragile ego crazy
I kind of knew this about my mother. But only watching this video does it really hit me how frequently she did this and how I am actually kind of still buying into the fiction that it was all due to my achievements being so "boring" and "insignificant". She could not be bothered with my school performances, and, with disgust on her face, returned my A graded essays to me, asking me if she really had to read them as they were "so boring". At my graduation day (I did really well), she informed me that I wouldn't have done so well if only I had gone to a better school. Till this day, I mostly refrain from celebrating any achievement in my life or inviting people I know if I'm in a performance. I feel like it would be a selfish, horrible thing of me to "force" others to sit through the things that are important to me.
Not sure if you will see this comment. Congratulations on your achievements. Be proud of all you accomplished.
This is so nice of you! Thank you!! @@dianes2652
My husband was asked to leave the labor/birth room at the hospital unless he turned off the baseball game on the TV and supported me in the final hours before the (natural) birth of our second child. I don't remember much except the crazy loud TV and the nurse who dared tell him that he stepped up or he'd be stepped out. The nurses really rallied to support me knowing that he would not. I was decades from understanding narcissism then. Thank you so much for being a beacon of knowledge. I am SO much stronger and better now!
Good for her
I will say one thing about my ex. He was a selfish, jealous, unreasonable, blabbering creep. But he did an amazing job in the delivery room when our daughter was born. He immediately became jealous and petulant after we brought baby home, particularly because his mother paused his coddling to coddle the baby. Within the first year, I was gone.
But he did a bang-up job in the delivery room. And I'm so glad he did. I had a tough birth and needed all the support I could get.
so many big day(s) ruined. . . no more though. . . no contact with all of them!
Good for you! It is an effort to root these people out of the realm of your personal life.
Even when I anticipated being invalidated on special days, I still was blindsided. You can spend a lifetime trying to outmaneuver their head games or you can just leave and regain your balance.
Blindsided. Yep. You think you can be on your toes because you know them so well, but they still manage to zing you with their sixth sense for your defenses lapsing for a split second.
@@engleharddinglefester4285 Spot on!
I hope you have regained your balance. I hope you are in a place where you realize it was their problem and not yours. I hope you are in a place of health where you can recognize and affiliate with the kind of people who will encourage your accomplishment and validate your worth. You are worthy of being loved; never forget that.
I woke up on my birthday knowing in my heart that the day would be ruined. I tried to just go with the flow and I was proven correct. That was 2 days ago. He won't stop. I told him I was done with this toxic relationship... He had no where to go so he won't leave.
So sorry....truly....if at all possible, make him leave, but carefully and wisely, so as not to incur wrath. Might have to outfox him somehow, and manipulate him into leaving. He will find a place to go.
What Jada Smith did to Will at the Oscars is the perfect example of a toxic manipulating narcissist in action.
When Will Smith slapped Chris Rock, he was slapping Jada.
My therapist recommended your channel to me, and it’s honestly been so refreshing. Thank you for making this content
Something struck me with what you said today - my parents were quite caring when I would get sick as a child but as soon as you’re healthy and happy they don’t like that and try to put water on small happy events and things. Maybe subconsciously that’s why I decided to be sick as a child to get attention and their love. It was confusing and disheartening. And since I left home I became successful they don’t appreciate that and say horrible things.
So sad. My parents were mad even when I was sick. For the success it was expected and not always honored. Only one line never ups and never downs with behaviour. Never showing happiness like it was bad. My father was always nervous when we were about to go somewhere. I'm so afraid I'm gonna be him one day and ruin my kids happenings.
Same with mine. Only time my narc mother ever gave me any level of motherly compassion and empathy
@@chriswyma145 I can’t understand why anyone would do that and that too - to the life they have helped brought into the existence.
I won a trophy in high school and had to get my 3 year old sister to take a photo. 40 years later I still don't even acknowledge my birthday. I am so grateful for my 3 really good friends who I can tell about my successes.
Oh, I feel you... My ex narc always wanted to make my birthdays look so irrelevant... I used to love birthdays, but now I just feel terribly anxious
Please celebrate your birthday this year, as you win!
My mother in law has done this 3 times. At our engagement party, wedding and then the birth of my son. Thank you so much for making this video. It really helps me understand what is going on and helps me know that I’m not just thinking these things in my head.
This is blowing my mind because this is exactly what happened to me! The final straw for me was when I took my ex on my dream vacation to Australia and she repeatedly threw tantrums! Can’t even look back at the photos without unhappy memories. I always wondered why every cool and fun event we went to prior, she would cause some drama. Now I know! She was a narcissist!
They make it all about them and their emotions. It puts a cloud over everything. Thats why I have nothing to do with them anymore.
Me either. Got clearer..
Yes!! My wedding day was ruined. It’s why I finally left. No more big days ruined by them. A blessing in disguise
Your wedding day!? No way! That sucks
"...keep reaching for what you want despite what the Narcissist says..."
This works very well!
It "burns" them like fire!
🤣
Yep…
😳🙁
These people have ruined everything.
Family should be the soil you grow in, a good nourishing base. Not poison. I don't know why so many miserable people instead of learning from their sufferings just want the same sufferings for their kids, lover, friends. They must be so broken, beyond repair. Sad.
My mom ruined every one of mine and my siblings birthdays 🙄 she hates when the spotlight is on someone else.
Weddings are an occasion for Narcissistic relatives to get even with you, for eating an extra cookie when you were 10(or whatever else they are upset about LOL). You don't always have the opportunity to not invite them in some cultures.
I am from a South Asian culture, and I did not invite a single relative to my wedding. It’s not about culture, but courage.
Not only did I not invite anyone, but we didn't tell anyone we were getting married 🤣 except for the 12 people who did attend. Afterwards, a friend tagged us in a photo on Facebook and the very first comment was my sister. Not a congratulations. "when were you going to tell MEEEEEE
At Christmas, I enjoyed watching my brother's grandchildren open their gifts, he had them do it the night before. Thanked him for having the fireplace going, after that, he did not light the fireplace. Enjoyed watching football, and after that, he turned the TV off. COVID-19 did me a favor: it gave me permission to go no contact!
Yes, covid is awful and many people died, but: it is a great excuse to stay away from toxic people and pretend to stay away to keep them save.
My wedding, one picture, left alone with my mom, hair stylist, and photographer, I LOOK MISERABLE. Energy literally being drained out of me. All of my other pictures with my husband and family are so happy. I look back at that picture to remind myself why I’m blessed she doesn’t want a relationship with me.
My sister was jealous of me from the get go. The screaming, the jealousy, wanting to mingle with my friends and then trash them, constantly competing for affection from my parents. I pretty much stayed away from any form of confrontation. She's 10 years older then me, cried for months before I got married. My mom forbidden me from talking about my upcoming nuptials. So fast forward my sister wanted to take my 16 yr old son I went with my brother. She refused to make any plans left it up to me, she's the world traveler. My husband and a few other people coached me into how to speak to her during the trip. She would try to prove arguments, criticized every excursions, yell all the time. She has not spoken to me since the trip. It's been 2 yrs now I trip to call and she refuses to answer. She has made enemies with her neighbors, co-workers, other family members. Never married, makes fun of my 32 yr marriage and family. She talks over me, cuts me off, it was getting so bad that no one wanted to have her come socialize in my circle of friends. I am okay with it, and your educational videos are so much needed. Thank you so much!
Your sister is an old maid...yet makes fun of your marriage. Wow. ...cut her out of your life totally now.... &. For. Forever more ..don't look back...
I had my suspicions about my niece and her narc behavior but this really solidified it. My sister told me her daughter has ruined every family vacation they have ever been on. Another one is when your bridesmaids are more bridezilla than the bride. Weddings are a great way to know who you're truly dealing with.
My mother ruined the only two holidays we ever went on. On each occasion, she'd make up some reason to start a fight with me and my dad on the first day, then refuse to speak to us both for the rest of the week. Then when we got home, she'd tell everyone how we had ruined her holiday.
God forbid we be the ones to blow a fuse and stand up for ourselves when the narcs stomp on and proceed to run 200 miles past our boundaries, then we'll never "hear" the end of that soul crushing and suffocating silent treatment.
Sad but so true. Then we are the crazy ones that need “ help”
Lmao.. when my mom had been picking on me all day to the point I was so fed up that I got upset and stood up for myself, my mom would always say "gosh I never know what's going to set you off. I never know when you're going to be so mean to me"
My daughter's father ruined so many events. It was only until I started watching your videos and doing research that I realize what was happening. The last straw was May of 2020. My birthday, my (our) daughter's birthday, and mothers day were all ruin because of him. I couldn't believe that he would display such nasty behavior knowing it was my first mothers day and our daughter's first bday. It was disgusting. His mom just said "you know how he is"
Of course 🙄
I am so sorry that he did those awful things to you and your daughter. Narcissists are honestly devils wearing people's skin. If you have a way to get out PLEASE LEAVE ASAP. You and your daughter deserve way better. 💛
I would awesome if she can start therapy. Sadly, it take 5-10 years for a narcissist to recover and this rare. Most never change. But I would give it a try.
@@imblacklist1688 yeah that ain't happening, if he wants to go to therapy kudos to him, my focus is on my daughter and myself
Mothers seem to accept their sons’ horrible behavior. My father is a narcissist and my family formed around him. My brother became a narcissist and my mother an enabler of both. My brother threatened -screaming for all to hear-to murder me right there, in very graphic terms, in front of my mother. His basis for wanting me maimed and killed:a fight with me he invented and allowed to fester in his head as if it were reality. My mother yelled at ME: “you’re going to give him a stroke!”
Unbelievable.
Mothers and their sons...
Aye "you know how he is" ",the besto for him righ now is to be alone" (the best for him....) "You know he is like this but is very nice when is nice". "Let it go he'll feel fine soon".... That is why are like that, they mum always saying that the problems are the people who don't understand/accept that he is like this. Instead a normal mother would say " this is not acceptable,and it would be consequences of it" but of they didn't put limits on them when was young is what they get... They creat this monsters. Their own parents are the creator of this monsters and they will look after your kids as the same way they did with him
They are so good in ruining each and every opportunity of happiness and then tell you : you are ungrateful, hard to please , incapable of happiness, demanding too much and of course too sensitive.
''I don't love you anymore'' , two days before my graduation. Thank you
Every family dinner, every wedding, every get together, every time I've visited a friend. And then I'd be blamed for it..."what happens to you every time we have to go out!"
I can't begin to explain how much this channel has helped me understand my situation and how to proceed with my decisions. Thank you so much dr. Ramani
Every time we were celebrating our anniversary or my birthday, he would have to find the littlest thing, to have a huge argument. Normally would happen after he gave an expensive gift then, suddenly (boom) big argument followed by dinner with a side of being stonewalled
My man does seem to argue with me in a day or 2 leading up to events .... he is not a narc ... but he still seems to do this ... I think it’s because of stress and lack of money he feels bad because he can’t ever really do much for me
I found it worked slightly differently for me. The year before my wedding, from the time my fiancee and I put a deposit down on the venue right up to the big day, my narcissistic mother and sister made my life hell sabotaging everything from my dress to my accessories and the cake and the seating plan. Everything was a battle and an insult from them UNTIL the wedding day! My mother pushed me to do go to city hall and do a civil ceremony because she felt I was making too much of a big deal about my wedding (which had a max capacity of 80 people). Funny enough, on the day of wedding they both of them were on their BEST behaviour and appeared so supportive. They were still distant from me but around people they were kind and warm. I realise now that was their grandiose side and their need to "make everything look good" for themselves. But my God... They were seriously pushing for me to cancel that wedding with everything they criticised. Even funnier? When it was my narcissistic sisters turn to get married, my mother fully supported her 500 person wedding. Did I mention she was the Golden Child?
Kamille OMG I have a golden child sister too. My sister who is 10 yrs older then me, was so upset that I was getting married before her. She tried to get me to break up with my boyfriend at the time. Smeared campaign against him. I did break up but we reconnected. For several months prior to the wedding she would cry at night. My mother forbade me from talking about the wedding plans. I did take a stand in telling my mom to move my sister to another part of the house so that I wouldn't hear her cry. She looked miserable and almost ruined my day. Fast forward today she stopped talking to me. I am still happily married 32 yrs and have a stable family life. My mom wasn't great. Someone asked how her daughter was and she didn't even ask which daughter. She assumed it was the Golden Child. Image that and she tells me about it and laughs. I am still in disbelief. Proof that they deserve each other. So glad I did marry a wonderful man.
OMG!! You hit the nail on the head!!! My mother does this all the time!! In front of others she'll pretend everything is okay but behind closed doors everything was different. As soon as everyone left is was back to temper tantrums and silent treatments. Makes so much sense now.
@@rachelmartineau8102 also can relate to your story too. I am currently going through this.. its hell! I dont want them to hurt another person and family, like they did me. I'm glad you got married in the end. I dont think at this rate I ever will.
My father ruined every special event, two weddings, multiple graduations, every birthday, every time a friend came over, school performances, you name it. My brother and I called it, "special-day Dad."
Every good things in life, big to small achievements, are ALWAYS devalued or diminished. Even when there is true joy...the stare they give.
Dr. Ramani has absolutely hit the nail on the head with this one! My sister and father ruined birthdays, holidays, baby showers, graduations, you name it. My oldest sister would invite herself to holidays just to criticize the rest of the family and start fights. Are you cooking her a holiday dinner? You’re doing it wrong. Did you volunteer to set the table instead? You’re so selfish, not even helping with dinner! Somehow the ONLY one who ever deserved credit for contributing to the holiday was her. Everyone else was a selfish idiot who was ruining her experience.
My father is and was even worse. My youngest sis had a heart attack in high school due to a congenital issue, and her high school graduation was so hard won, because she had to work seven times harder once she got out of the hospital just to graduate. So what did dad do? Started a fight over EVERYTHING on that day, spreading his horrible mood and his rage everywhere, just to make it all about him. He stole that day from her and then smiled as we were all the car driving home and she was crying. Proud of himself for doing it. Ditto Mother’s Day one year, when he refused to pay for his share of dinner on the basis that it should have been a gift also for him. He made sure to stage a huge fight in public, just to see how it upset my mother, going so far as to try to provoke the (very polite and kind) waiters and making THEM uncomfortable.
I have had beautiful holidays this past year because covid has kept him and my oldest sis away. As far as I’m concerned, neither of them has any role to play in any “big day.” If they’re around, the day will be a small and miserable one, and I don’t need that in my life.
,,,,z5
Yes my Narc husband I'm separated from has ruined my birthday on more than one occasion including family events.
@Hun Bun my last birthday I purposely planned to take a drive out of town with my 22 yr. old son and I told my husband I was still with at the time last year and he purposely made my life miserable for an entire month to 2 months after my birthday by demeaning me and sometimes giving me the silent treatment. When I finally left last week that was the best decision I could have ever made. He put me through 6 years of hell. He's still trying to with my 2 vehicles he's hidden from me that are in my name only. I've had to press charges on him. 🙄
@Hun Bun My husband would do the same thing with people. He would have a full conversation as if he wasn't giving me the silent treatment just before they came. I hated the silent treatment too. We definitely are stronger without them. The crazy thing is he's tried to inlist my Dad as one of his flying monkeys, by telling him he doesn't know why I left because everything was going good. My Dad knew that was a lie and didn't give in. Keep your head up too.
@Hun Bun I didn't feel off I just went with the flow. I didn't like he tried to get my Dad to try to be on his side. Yes it is nice that I've met a person like you and others to know we are not alone in this fight against Narcassist. 😊
Yep! I had to beg my mom to come to my grade 8 graduation and after arriving late, she left before the end and caused a scene in the church. My high school commencement she came completely drunk and I had to leave the ceremony before they called my name to drive her home. She also ruins my birthdays and Christmas. Now that I’m in university far away I don’t have to have contact with her!
So true about the ruining the big days part.
this is the way my brother is, 100%. i recently started college and i have a 4.0 because i’ve worked so hard for it. i’m studying psych so that i can become an art therapist and provide free/affordable mental health services for low-income families. apparently, according to him, i’m lazy and unsuccessful, i’m only doing well in college because i’m obedient to the system and can’t think for myself, and i’m only going into the mental health filed to push my psychotic agenda on vulnerable people. as soon as i feel like i’m accomplishing something, he’ll make me feel like i’ve never done anything good in my life. it’s part of the reason i work so hard, but i wish it wasn’t that way. it’s a lot of pressure to prove someone who doesn’t matter completely wrong. it’s painful
How do you walk out of a relationship with the narcissist? We have been married for almost 36 years. His son has called us TOXIC. This is when I found you Dr. Ramani. I had no idea he was like this our whole married life. I thought he was normal because our life is just like my life with my mother.
I didn't know anything about narcissistic behavior. Left my marriage after 34 years. Never felt freer. Get excellent divorce counsel and prepare for tsunami! You'll be so much better.
Get a good therapist who is educated about narcissists, not all are and some are even narcissists themselves. Also listen to this page as well as Dr Ramani, HG Tudor The ultra. He gives great information and he can help you if you need help.
It’s difficult for sure. I was married to a vicious narcissist for 27 years.
I actually felt brainwashed, couldn’t function or think straight, was suicidal and ended up in the hospital.
Eventually, by some miracle, I found some strength and walked out when he was at work, I was so frightened, could I make it by myself, but I knew if I had stayed I would not be alive.
Find a good therapist as they can help so much.
I hope you find the strength to leave.❤️
Another long term married survived here too (30 years). I asked myself the same question, but it came down to knowing I just couldn't live the same life (and very likely even worse) any more. I said "We're finished, you need help I can't give you". Might your son be able to support you? My adult children could see the distress I was in and encouraged me to follow my instincts, helping me to find somewhere to go, etc. I left a lot behind me but none of those things matter.
I have tried for so long to make our marriage work,because of my vow that I made not only to him but to GOD too. This is our second marriage. My mother was a narcissist too. That’s why I say he is normal to me most of our marriage. When his son whom I met in 2017, he called us TOXIC. According to our children he was calling him TOXIC not me. We have twin sons and a daughter all grown. They all want me to live with them if and when I leave him. They also know what I go through with him. They hardly ever come around. We live in Dallas and the twins live in Waco. Haven’t seen them in over a year. Daughter moved to Colorado to get away. I married the first time at 16. Divorced in January 1985 and remarried in March 1985. I have never been on my own. Not really sure who I am.
It’s a repeated source of remarks at the family dinner table that a certain difficult person in our lives is often in a particularly foul mood during each of our birthdays; you could set your calendar to it. Sulking, snide remarks and a culmination into shouting and provocation; the works!
And holidays I’m sure
They made it feel like it is there own birthday...everything about them.and they waring a mask like the care about you.bring you matireal things and after they say what did you brought to me? Everything to be in control and also get there intreset.after the go around and talk about everything they did for you...so they would look like a good pepole.no amble just over prechnasing ...
Well said
Mine just texted me TELLING me why i left, and the reason i said i left, him verbally abusing me, was BS! He says i just wanted an accuse to leave.. Oi .. Its exhausting but guess what, i have a secret weapon- dr ramini 💪☺
Of course, they know our mind better than we do. They know everything. The irony of saying you just wanted an excuse to leave! People use excuses because they are trapped, cornered. They use excuses because the truth is too difficult. Anyone using an excuse is covering something WORSE! You should be free to leave without giving ANY reason!
After uni my mother offered to drive me to my final job interview because I didn’t have a car back then and then abused me the whole way in the car about not wanting to move to the city she preferred. The moment before we arrived she threatened she would call off the moving company so that I wouldn’t be able to move to the city in time to start the job.
Moving houses over big spaces is very expensive over here and I just had my students job money. I would have saved money to do that without help - but moving houses with that company had been my parents’ birthday present.
I went into that job interview with my mother’s shrill threats still in my ears, I had to swallow my tears and face my future boss and smile. I refused any presents after that.
It reminded me of several times during my childhood where I hid behind my sofa clutching a soft toy I had been given by a sweet neighbour and not wanting to see or touch anything my mother had ever given me. Until today I’m not comfortable with anything she gives me as a present.
Every single Mother's Day, birthday, accolade was ruined by his rage, tantrums, meltdowns. I can't tell you how much this validates what the children and I experienced.