The #1 SECRET For Marriage Reconciliation (Life-Altering)
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- Опубликовано: 1 окт 2024
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In this video, I am going to talk about...
-The #1 reason why your efforts to try to save your relationship are actually pushing her further away!
-How to build the #1 internal shift that has absolutely changed the course of my relationships, and thousands of my clients' relationships forever.
-How this ONE mindset shift can FINALLY make your changes seem a lot more genuine, permanent, real, and effective in your partner's eyes.
Through my years of being a relationship coach, I've guided my clients through every possible scenario and given them the tools they need to not only rebuild trust, but to take their relationship to heights it's never been before.
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How to Properly Lead Conversations to open Up & Heal Your Partner’s Emotions
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Detach from her outcomes and emotions. You must do because you are. She can sense your BS. It comes off in your micro tones and micro expressions as forced.
Once I changed my mindset and did this consistently to the point I couldn't fail my wife turned away from divorce and recently pretty much told me its possible for us to be back together within the next 30 days.
Its been a long 5 months but even I thought for a long time my situation would never improve.
Always here excited for your new videos bro! And copying your fashion as well lol. Thanks for the gold nuggets that will forever change people’s lives!
Appreciate this comment brother! Keep rising!!
The epitome of easier said than done
My wife and I have been separated but still living together with our 4 year old for the past two months. She didn't want anything to do with me for the first few weeks, then gradually became cordial as we co-parented. I discovered your videos about 3 weeks ago, and have been putting all of your advice into practice, and it's really been a night-and-day difference. She has really opened up, and I'm able to be there and create a safe emotional space for her for really the first time in our 13 year relationship. We've had some great conversations, and she has even mentioned that she loves our talks. I can still see a spark in her eyes of love for me, but she still hasn't said she loves me again yet or that she wants to reconcile. We're still not wearing our wedding rings. I'm okay with that, I mean definitely I'd love to be back together and reconciled, but I don't want to force it - like you said, she has to fall back in love me, it can't be forced. I'm definitely enjoying the process of bettering myself, and I truly feel that I've had a massive internal shift. She's even gone so far as to ask me if I understood why she had to make me feel like our marriage was truly over and done with in order for me to realize how blind and deaf I'd been towards her over the years. She's also mentioned that she can truly feel that my changes and shift are real (she's an empath, highly sensitive), but just needs time to adjust and be sure they're permanent. I completely understand that - I realize now after watching a lot of your videos how many times over the years she reached out and attempted to tell me what she needed, and I burned her every single time (not even on purpose, just from being so closed-off, ignorant, and self absorbed).
However- last night we were talking and I wanted to mention and clarify again that I want her to feel completely free and open to express her emotions and thoughts- that my door is always open, and she said she does feel free to do that, but only because she no longer cares about making me angry, or what I'll do or say- that since we have a different dynamic in our relationship she's no longer concerned about my reaction. (This came up as she was revisiting a lot of my flaws and faults in our relationship ie. being emotionally unavailable, neglecting her needs, not listening, and she was definitely having a difficult time reliving that).
I want to really really thank you for your videos, and for sharing your knowledge and insights - I truly appreciate it.
So my question is - should I just keep going how I am now and be patient with the process? I feel like it's working even though last night does seem like a step backwards, I've only been applying your advice/teachings to myself and my situation for 3 weeks and even though we're separated I feel like this is the best and closest our relationship has been in our 13 years together. Or should I still apply for the R.R. program? The thing is, even if I did get accepted, my current financial situation is bleak. I feel like my biggest issue right now is waivering back and forth between being tethered and un-tethered to the outcome. A lot of times I'm completely at peace just being great friends and co-parents and enjoying the process of working on myself and not falling for the urgency illusion, and then other times I really just want to reach out and hold her hand, hug her, tell her how much I love her, be intimate, etc.
Thanks for your time --
Seems like you are off to a good start. Keep going - In the program, we go extremely deep into teaching you all of the layers of internal shifts and also communication strategies (frameworks) that are both NECESSARY and SUFFICIENT to the reconciliations process.
So keep watching my videos on:
- Untethering
- Non Victim Mindset
- Bulletproof Vest
- Antithetic Thinking
- Interdependence and power in relationships
And to get a deeper look into these communication strategies, feel free to explore a lot of my client interviews, where we have the time to go deeper into discussing those.
And if you'd like to apply for the program someday, I would be honored to be able to help you master these skills at a higher capacity!
I watch all Geoff videos for the deep internal shifts. But I’ve found “jimmy on relationships” is an excellent channel as well, one you could send/ or watch together. He’s just like us who nearly failed in his marriage but wanted to truly change because we love incorrectly
Sounds like we literally have the same scenario! Please can I ask you something?
What do you do when she says, "I don't love you any more. I don't feel that way towards you any more." Etc... Every time I practice open conversation and listen as hard as I can I always stumble on that same response. She has made up her mind. Also I can't even touch her. Not even her hand.
Any help would be much appreciated.
I’m not in the program but I have watched a lot of videos so I’m not sure I’m on the right path but I’ll tell you a couple things I’ve learned. I am in the same situation and have been able to make some progress. First off I would say you have to forget about the touch at the moment, the environment you have made makes her not feel safe enough for touch. Second I would say you need to not focus on her saying I love you but not in love with you or I don’t feel that way about you (I have heard both as well). Focus on the reason she feels this way. It all comes down to safety and trust. If every conversation has the end point of “do you love me again?”, you’re not going to get anywhere. Why does she not trust and feel safe in the relationship, fix those problems in yourself and you can start making progress.
Update?
Like his videos but he wanted 4k for his classes and he says that we won’t even be talking to him it will be his team members.. idk but 4k is a lot and won’t even be able to talk to him.. and the price isn’t even set he ask you what you think you could afford with a option to pick from 1 k -10k before he sent me a 4k price . So sure he will cash
So true and it’s something I need to hear again and again and again until it sticks. I went through a really tough time 6 months ago with my wife and these videos carried me through and things were good, but life keeps hitting us with one thing after another. And things are falling back into my wife wanting to give up again. And my shifts I had been working in the last 6 months are still there and I’m leaning into the resistance. Resistance is not bad, it’s an opportunity 🖤 I love her so much and I know she struggles but I will never just give up. Never
Hey Geoffrey setiawan
I am in a long distance relationship and I gave my gf space because of too much heated argument and misunderstanding so she can calm down and when I have re approached her after a month she is kind of too angry and and some time she talks formally and after few conversation she starts saying things like go away I dont want to talk with you , you should move on, don't text me, I am not going to reply back. I tried to ask an open ended question about what is the reason she just shuts me down . So I just left a seed that " if she doesn't want to talk right now that's okay I am not going to bother you but whenever you are feeling you need to talk and want to say something or want to share anything about your heart I am here for you let me know about it".. i literally don't understand what to do now she is being to cautious and isn't trusting anything at all from my side. Can you suggest anything? Should I keep texting or should I wait for some time and then create some opportunity to text her.
Mythologising the process. Never heard of this in my life! I wonder how to do it.
This is a crucial thing that does not seem related to the process of reconciliation at first, but as the video explains, is EXTREMELY crucial.
We gave some of the basic outline of how to do this in the video. What do you think of them?
I am tethered insecure in my 29 yr relationship with a 17 yr old son. She moved out almost a year now but I see her every night. I tell her I love her and she responds I know. What do I need to do I miss her so much
You should accept insurance. Or be a benefit on a company’s HR website.
Hi Geoffrey, could we adapt this technique for the early stage of relationship(5 months before he wanted to stop the relationship)?
Thank you very much!
Greetings from Germany!
Greetings from Houston! :)
@@GeoffreySetiawan I‘m loving your videos! I did more 100 hours watching already! A wonderful content!!
Thank you very much!!!
Hey Geoffrey, another great video! Do you have any advice for manufacturing contact? My separated partner ignores my messages and doesn't want to see if I've changed or not. It's quite the pickle but your videos always seem to help. Thanks!
Watch my interviews with:
1) Michael
2) Eve
3) Scott
There are always ways to manufacture contact, bit only after you make deep internal shifts.
The biggest shame is not having no contact - the biggest shame is manufacturing it when you have nothing to show in terms of changes.
And if you DID make genuine changes, ironically, you will always find new and creative ways to manufacture that contact.
If you struggle to find ways to manufacture contact, usually means that you're still coming from a hunter's position (a manipulative position), and that you should probably not make manufacturing contact your primary point of focus right now.
E.g. Think of a company. If a company has a bad product, it is going to be very hard to find creative ways to market it.
If a company BELIEVES in their own product, and that belief is based on strong merit, then marketing is EASY PEASY.
And if the marketing is HARD for you, then that most likely signals that you may have a very bad product that is hard to sell.
Think about it...
Hey Geoffrey, in the last 8 months, my wife has totally changed her behavior on me and our relationship. She became angry, cold and at the beginning of this period, she was telling me that she wanted to separate or divorce. but in the last months that she will fight for the relationship , and she doesn't want to be separated. But she doesn't do something particular to save the relationship she is still questioning me and triggered me with her behavior. Somehow, she tries to maintain a certain distance between as and her favorite phrase is time will show what will happen. I would like to hear your advice
Sounds like she is wanting to be sure your changes are genuine. Stay the course and never give up.
Do you do one on one coaching?
Thank you so much Geoffrey 🙏🏽
hey Geoffrey,i wanna say my partner wanted space and ignored me and suddenly we talked and suddenly when i asked why are you ignoring me she goes telling me " i dont want to be close to you" and i can be online and talk to who ever i want ,we talk sometimes but I'm getting a cold shoulder, Gef can you help me
To explain it easier since you are here listening to this because you want to better yourself, listen to me, you have to internally let them go and just be inward and just not preassure them. It takes time to actually become. You have to stop thinking you will do anything soon that will make them come back because you haven’t actually made any changes especially your internal changes especially in the short term. And no contact is actually time for you to do what you need to better yourself not better yourself for them but for you. Once you do that maybe 4-8 months later and you have some knew skills for relationships and can actually carry them out without losing your emotional calmness then you will be able to actually have them feel your changes. But right now your partner is in a selfish independent position and you should be too. You don’t have to stop caring but you should stop thinking of them emotionally.
Amen
@@del_619 basically ignore them but reply at times
How do you untether when your emotions are so high. Youre asking us to just turn the switch, but how do you turn the switch, just like that???
No, you have to figure out the process to put yourself in that state. It’s not something that happens magically. It takes work and dedication and commitment.
My relationship is not new but not old. It’s 3 years old… after my gf had our baby, our relationship suffered. In February she left me, I thought I was a victim lol. After watching your videos I realized I had everything wrong. Last week we got back together!
She said she felt safe again and that we could actually communicate instead of just arguing. She said it shocked her bc she didn’t think it was possible.
I owe it all to your videos, all the other advice on RUclips was bs that would have probably done more damage, but everything you teach actually makes sense. The hardest part was untethering, it took the longest time for me to make it happen but when it did is when things really changed. She went from moving in with some other guy to actually hanging out with me and is now figuring out how to get out of her lease to move in with me.
In one of your videos I believe you said something along the lines of when it ends is when the real game starts. Very true.
Very helpful!
Hey Geoffrey,
Interesting video !
Awesome! What are your biggest takeaways here?
what are ‘the processes’?
Some of the answers you will have to discover in the program. These RUclips videos barely scratch the surface.
@@ThanksWyatt are you in the program?
@@gregschimmack yes
Hi Geoffrey, After leaving the door open should you wait for your ex to contact you? In the past I’ve only waited a couple of weeks & then sent another msg. & now after 10 months I’ve found myself blocked a month ago. Is there any way to show your changes after being blocked & asked to stop contacting her (no mutual friends or family) I’m thinking of sending this
“Hey, I hope you are well.
I understand why you might not want to talk as in the relationship communicating with me was quite difficult & probably made you feel like getting your point across or being understood was hopeless. & I can see with me now trying to communicate & ask questions in this different way to how I used to be might come across as odd or manipulative like you said but my intension behind this is because I realise in the relationship I had poor listening skills, was defensive & never really did a good job of making you feel acknowledged. So I’ve been working on myself to become someone who can listen to understand, ask questions to dig deeper & fully understand where you are coming from without being defensive & I want to finally be able to allow you to feel heard & understood in our communication. I know you’re wanting space right now so I just want you to know that I’m here ready to talk when ever you are :) x”
You told me the other week I am still tethered to the outcome, this was a fantastic video I needed to see! I even had some progress on this front recently! Last week that was not possible for me to consider untethering fully.
My wife ramped up the resistance to my changes, and last time we talked she got very mean even. Said she doesn't want us to work even if we did fix our issues, and she won't wait for the divorce to finalize before seeing other people. She knew that would hurt me and I kept composure. Even said thanks for being honest with how she truly feels.
Since then the outcome does not matter so much to me. If she files and it goes through I avoided a toxic partner and keep improving myself for the next one. If we work then my family stays together and I keep improving myself.
She admitted there is too much anger and resentment to let me "clown her" again and waste more time. I see this as her needing to vent for a while longer. She is far too guarded to even hold hands now, before yes but now hard no. Probably limerence for the affair partner still.
I admit I may not be 100% untethered quite yet but I am most of the way there. The rose-tinted glasses are gone and I am actually happy I am acting more mature, members of my family even told me.
Awesome! But note that untethering is just one of MANY internal shifts and skills you need to master.
Untethering alone is not going to create reconciliation...
It is a NECESSARY part of reconciliation...
But it is not SUFFICIENT alone...
@@GeoffreySetiawan Indeed, I am still working. I will say to anyone here the untethering is the hardest part for me but had most pay-off. The outcome independence stopped me from hanging on to her every word and my painful highs and lows from her being nice or mean. It helps my body language as well. I'm not clenching my ass so to speak, I'm relaxed and chill. Giving her a break since last meet where she got angry, she is too agitated for any meaningful talk.
Her divorce club co-workers and friends are all trying to pressure her into hard divorce. They have been telling her to act mean and to antagonize me at every step. I have not cracked, old me would have. I'd rather grow than break.
@@tb87670 Sounds like you've got it worse than me.
My wife doesn't want to hold hands at all and doesn't love me anymore. However, we've had a few good conversations. The moment I bring up anything related to being together she closes up and says "that's not going to happen. I don't have feelings for you anymore"
It sucks. I'm trying to untether and I think I know what to say next time she says that thanks to this video.
@@Bob-fh3yk I've been focusing too much on what to say, and Geoffrey does give you good examples as a baseline to start. But if you cannot improvise what to say on the spot then at best you may have a "canned" response. For me not caring about the outcome one way or the other has eased up a lot of the anxiety and stress. I'm still grieving the loss, my wife was a sweet woman and seems to have turned evil and malicious all of a sudden. This all wasn't necessary, she could've just told me we were this close to breaking up etc. but in the end I know I was bad at communication and she just held in too much for too long.
My wife also shuts down immediately at even the mention of us getting back together. Even if I mention it theoretically, as in "how good would it be if I fixed X and Y as you said?" and she just says "I still don't want it to work anyway". Irrational, purely emotional and full of hatred, anger and resentment. Pushing in any way will only run her off faster, I can't make headway when she is in this state. Frustrating at times, you would think no sane human would act like that because she even admits she is making her life much more difficult for herself by doing this. But their emotions are pulling them along this path. Geoffrey's videos taught me you have to appeal to the emotions, not the logic.
@@tb87670 yes. I don't even know how to start speaking to their emotions.
I too didn't know my marriage was at the brink of ending. It was a surprise to me.
My wife was the sweetest thing. I turned her into a monster. It hurts more than anything I've ever felt.
Do you have advice on how to talk emotionally instead of logically. Examples would be great