As a very assertive woman, I can tell you straight up that it is NOT appreciated. Even rolling it into all sorts of niceties, anything but praise for guys does not land well. Now, I am 5'11'' (180 cm), and don't often feel the physcal intimidation that many other women feel around men, but most of us DO modify our feedback, not because we're not in touch with our "mind-heart" loop, but because we are afraid of the repercussions of voicing our displeasure, even politely and with great care not to hurt their feelings. Please don't place the blame on women for not being straight-forward about what we're thinking. It's a societally learned behavior, we are responsible for everybody feeling good about themselves in every situation, regardless of how messed up it is. Just look at Holidays. Who stays in the room trying to soothe hurt feelings? Who can stomp on out and loudly proclaim how everyone else is an idiot? I'd say women are predominantly part of the first group, just as they're the ones to write invitations, thank you cards, stay in touch with in-laws (his and hers), send updates about kids, etc. etc. etc. i.e. all the emotional labor. Part of that is making men feel good about themselves, whether we want to or not. It's what we're not only conditioned, but expected to do. And honestly, can't we expect more of men? I am all about going Dutch, and paying my own way. I have taken my boyfriends out for meals, and mini-vacations too. But if they say we're going somewhere fancy (not my thing, but to each their own), then they really shouldn't be surprised that their date doesn't take to a diner-dive (much more my scene!). This is basic courtesy and respect - don't do a bait-n-switch, or if you do, don't expect them to like it. The crass reality of the issue is, it can and oftentimes is physically dangerous for us to speak our minds freely, especially when we're speaking about a man not meeting expectations. Most boyfriends I've had, even the peaceful feminist ones, have shown their frustration by punching a car or a wall, tossing vegetables or machines. Even if that technically hasn't been violence against me, it sure has felt like it could turn my way really fast. Now here you are, handing out well-meaning advice about how we should speak up immediately (or not at all). I'm here to tell you, first, it can take a while to process things that have happened, and how you feel about them. Like an assault, when it takes talking things through with a friend years later, to get the verification that when you say no and he keeps going, well, that's assault. We are conditioned to accept the diner, and shut up about it. That your client has worked through her feelings now is good, and doesn't mean she's not in touch with her heart-mind-loop. It means she's been conditioned to not assert herself around men. Please don't bash us for our survival instincts.
If you think/know you're around someone who you have to censor yourself around or you fear how they'll respond, that is a person you don't need to be with anyways. He's hardly bashing women. And developing the muscle for being honest is essential for any relationship. As is trusting and feeling safe with how your partner will respond. And it is NOT our responsibility (women's) to make everyone else feel good. It is NOT our job to make everyone else happy. That's THEIR responsibility. So if that's something you've been carrying with you, put it down and focus on being honest and true to yourself. The only happiness you're actually responsible for is your own. What we REALLY need to get rid of is the idea that disagreeing automatically means someone is being disrespectful or rude. You can disagree and be honest but still be kind and civil about it.
@@LadyEsori I agree fully! It shouldn't be our responsibility, and I've certainly put it down. I am simply trying to explain WHY many (I'd say most) women hesitate to speak up immediately. We have been conditioned not to, and that there are repercussions when we do. Even something as simple as sharing a classroom or boardroom with men, if we speak our minds freely, we are met with a sarcastic "oh, don't hold back, tell. me how you REALLY feel!" at the best, and more ridicule, isolation, or the best - when a guy says the same thing you just said moments ago, and everybody agrees with him but ignored it when you said it. This isn't for me as an individual, but something systemic. So we have to train ourselves to leave it behind. During Obama's administration, women working in the White House would back each other up, by calling these things out. If one women had a good point of view, analysis or plan, another one would immediately acknowledge that she had it (think "As Suzie mentioned just now, the best plan moving forward is...") so that a guy couldn't claim the idea as his own three minutes later, or it couldn't be ignored. Seeing as how even super high-functioning, high level professionals have to strategize to be heard in a male-ruled environment, I think it's safe to assume most of us run into these problems. I wish we lived in a society where all could voice their opinions without threat of repercussions, but we can't. That's why all too many women censor themselves.
In addition to this, I think for a lot of people who were raised in environments where you were made to feel like expressing yourself and your emotions wasn't a welcomed/safe thing to do, and in turn developed more indirect and passive aggressive ways of communicating displeasure or a need not being met (which unfortunately includes a LOT of people in this world), many people like that don't actually possess the skills to be able to tactfully relay their displeasure about a situation or someone's behavior, and the more emotionally charged the situation, the harder it is. These types of people haven't been given the opportunity to develop that ability, because they were never given the safe space to be able to express themselves in that way growing up. I find it can run from complete silence on what's actually bothering them and bottling their emotions, or a complete blowout where emotional control is completely lost which leads to a confrontation, or that emotion is transferred on to a different situation that's then blown out of proportion. I think a lot of women are in this category for all the reasons you outlined, which only further complicates matters for many of us who are learning to find our voice.
My BF confirms this saying he feels he failed when he thinks everything is going okay and then I bring something up from a day or days earlier. He also would get defensive feeling he was walking on eggshells not knowing what might upset me. we repeated this pattern for about a year but have broken it now by (whenever possible) we address things in the moment or as soon as possible and in a more playful way. I needed to do work on myself and expressing my needs without feeling I needed to be prepared for a battle (old relationship, old story). It’s been a journey but it’s getting better and better! Thanks for these helpful videos!!
Mark wants to say women have to do Qi-Gong execrise.. Its work with energy. so she will be aware of herself her energy. I am joking, but it would help. Because its very calming exercise for minmd boyd and mental health. The guy who in Czechia does youtiube videos and seminars in person, he says you shoudl also be aware of when youa re manipoulated by medai and politrics , they use fear to manipualtre people.as thgye did hundreds of yearsa go. So its good to mediate to be selfaware.
This story that ppl ignore is the problem with relationships He is showing her who he is, he's the guy who will NEVER plan great dates, no romance. He is showing her exactly who he is. She needs to stop at this moment and say is that OK with me, is that in line with what I'm looking for. Women don't do this then the same girl will turn around 10/15 years from now asking why her boyfriend/husband doesn't do anything for herwhen he showed her right from the beginning who he was. That falls on her not him because she ignored what she didn't like just to not to be alone. It's kind of sad
It always takes me a couple of days to process how I really feel about something and I get frustrated because then I feel it's too late to speak up, nice advice (or reminder), but very difficult to implement haha
Ok whoa. WHOA. I’ve been listening to you for ages Mark, but the penny just dropped. We’re actually allowed to voice our real feelings, even disappointment when we get there?? Hold the phone, that is damn scary but gee I can actually see what you mean and why that would be more helpful and productive in the relationship dynamic. Way more painful for a guy to hear it 3 days later after he thought he was doing a good job. Crap I can see where I’ve gone wrong. Sorry to the guys who I’ve interacted with this way 😢 Sad for myself, that I didn’t know I could speak up 😢 Alllll the wasted yeeeeeeeeaaaaaarrrrrrssss 😭 Mark, you have to keep sharing this stuff.
This practice also makes you more trustworthy. My man knows the very moment that I am pleased. He also knows the very moment that things don't feel quite right. It gives him the opportunity to solve a problem for me, and it also reinforces that I won't lie to him. I won't say I'm fine when I mean I'm having a hard time I have found an order for this just in time. Feedback to work well, you also need to provide immediate positive feedback when things are going well.
I don't think women voluntarily want to hurt a man! Unless they are toxic women - in which case they act the same way with other women too - or he has been total a ☆☆☆ h ☆☆☆, most of the time - They might just burst out crying !☆💟💟💟☆
I'm surprised by her audacity to expect something grand. If he doesn't do naturally you either accept the way he is and make grandious dates with yourself for yourself or you leave. Audacity to expect especially when he sounds unsure about her.
![Felix "Unfair" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Oswujxm2Ag0/mqdefault.jpg)
As a very assertive woman, I can tell you straight up that it is NOT appreciated.
Even rolling it into all sorts of niceties, anything but praise for guys does not land well. Now, I am 5'11'' (180 cm), and don't often feel the physcal intimidation that many other women feel around men, but most of us DO modify our feedback, not because we're not in touch with our "mind-heart" loop, but because we are afraid of the repercussions of voicing our displeasure, even politely and with great care not to hurt their feelings.
Please don't place the blame on women for not being straight-forward about what we're thinking. It's a societally learned behavior, we are responsible for everybody feeling good about themselves in every situation, regardless of how messed up it is. Just look at Holidays. Who stays in the room trying to soothe hurt feelings? Who can stomp on out and loudly proclaim how everyone else is an idiot? I'd say women are predominantly part of the first group, just as they're the ones to write invitations, thank you cards, stay in touch with in-laws (his and hers), send updates about kids, etc. etc. etc. i.e. all the emotional labor. Part of that is making men feel good about themselves, whether we want to or not. It's what we're not only conditioned, but expected to do.
And honestly, can't we expect more of men? I am all about going Dutch, and paying my own way. I have taken my boyfriends out for meals, and mini-vacations too. But if they say we're going somewhere fancy (not my thing, but to each their own), then they really shouldn't be surprised that their date doesn't take to a diner-dive (much more my scene!). This is basic courtesy and respect - don't do a bait-n-switch, or if you do, don't expect them to like it.
The crass reality of the issue is, it can and oftentimes is physically dangerous for us to speak our minds freely, especially when we're speaking about a man not meeting expectations. Most boyfriends I've had, even the peaceful feminist ones, have shown their frustration by punching a car or a wall, tossing vegetables or machines. Even if that technically hasn't been violence against me, it sure has felt like it could turn my way really fast.
Now here you are, handing out well-meaning advice about how we should speak up immediately (or not at all). I'm here to tell you, first, it can take a while to process things that have happened, and how you feel about them. Like an assault, when it takes talking things through with a friend years later, to get the verification that when you say no and he keeps going, well, that's assault. We are conditioned to accept the diner, and shut up about it. That your client has worked through her feelings now is good, and doesn't mean she's not in touch with her heart-mind-loop. It means she's been conditioned to not assert herself around men.
Please don't bash us for our survival instincts.
thank you for writing this! And violence against things is actually psychological violence against the people in the same room, as it instills fear.
If you think/know you're around someone who you have to censor yourself around or you fear how they'll respond, that is a person you don't need to be with anyways. He's hardly bashing women. And developing the muscle for being honest is essential for any relationship. As is trusting and feeling safe with how your partner will respond.
And it is NOT our responsibility (women's) to make everyone else feel good. It is NOT our job to make everyone else happy. That's THEIR responsibility. So if that's something you've been carrying with you, put it down and focus on being honest and true to yourself. The only happiness you're actually responsible for is your own.
What we REALLY need to get rid of is the idea that disagreeing automatically means someone is being disrespectful or rude. You can disagree and be honest but still be kind and civil about it.
@@LadyEsori I agree fully!
It shouldn't be our responsibility, and I've certainly put it down. I am simply trying to explain WHY many (I'd say most) women hesitate to speak up immediately. We have been conditioned not to, and that there are repercussions when we do. Even something as simple as sharing a classroom or boardroom with men, if we speak our minds freely, we are met with a sarcastic "oh, don't hold back, tell. me how you REALLY feel!" at the best, and more ridicule, isolation, or the best - when a guy says the same thing you just said moments ago, and everybody agrees with him but ignored it when you said it.
This isn't for me as an individual, but something systemic. So we have to train ourselves to leave it behind. During Obama's administration, women working in the White House would back each other up, by calling these things out. If one women had a good point of view, analysis or plan, another one would immediately acknowledge that she had it (think "As Suzie mentioned just now, the best plan moving forward is...") so that a guy couldn't claim the idea as his own three minutes later, or it couldn't be ignored.
Seeing as how even super high-functioning, high level professionals have to strategize to be heard in a male-ruled environment, I think it's safe to assume most of us run into these problems.
I wish we lived in a society where all could voice their opinions without threat of repercussions, but we can't. That's why all too many women censor themselves.
In addition to this, I think for a lot of people who were raised in environments where you were made to feel like expressing yourself and your emotions wasn't a welcomed/safe thing to do, and in turn developed more indirect and passive aggressive ways of communicating displeasure or a need not being met (which unfortunately includes a LOT of people in this world), many people like that don't actually possess the skills to be able to tactfully relay their displeasure about a situation or someone's behavior, and the more emotionally charged the situation, the harder it is.
These types of people haven't been given the opportunity to develop that ability, because they were never given the safe space to be able to express themselves in that way growing up. I find it can run from complete silence on what's actually bothering them and bottling their emotions, or a complete blowout where emotional control is completely lost which leads to a confrontation, or that emotion is transferred on to a different situation that's then blown out of proportion.
I think a lot of women are in this category for all the reasons you outlined, which only further complicates matters for many of us who are learning to find our voice.
My BF confirms this saying he feels he failed when he thinks everything is going okay and then I bring something up from a day or days earlier. He also would get defensive feeling he was walking on eggshells not knowing what might upset me. we repeated this pattern for about a year but have broken it now by (whenever possible) we address things in the moment or as soon as possible and in a more playful way. I needed to do work on myself and expressing my needs without feeling I needed to be prepared for a battle (old relationship, old story). It’s been a journey but it’s getting better and better! Thanks for these helpful videos!!
Mark wants to say women have to do Qi-Gong execrise..
Its work with energy. so she will be aware of herself her energy.
I am joking, but it would help. Because its very calming exercise for minmd boyd and mental health.
The guy who in Czechia does youtiube videos and seminars in person, he says you shoudl also be aware of when youa re manipoulated by medai and politrics , they use fear to manipualtre people.as thgye did hundreds of yearsa go. So its good to mediate to be selfaware.
This story that ppl ignore is the problem with relationships
He is showing her who he is, he's the guy who will NEVER plan great dates, no romance. He is showing her exactly who he is. She needs to stop at this moment and say is that OK with me, is that in line with what I'm looking for. Women don't do this then the same girl will turn around 10/15 years from now asking why her boyfriend/husband doesn't do anything for herwhen he showed her right from the beginning who he was. That falls on her not him because she ignored what she didn't like just to not to be alone. It's kind of sad
It always takes me a couple of days to process how I really feel about something and I get frustrated because then I feel it's too late to speak up, nice advice (or reminder), but very difficult to implement haha
Same
Ok whoa. WHOA. I’ve been listening to you for ages Mark, but the penny just dropped.
We’re actually allowed to voice our real feelings, even disappointment when we get there??
Hold the phone, that is damn scary but gee I can actually see what you mean and why that would be more helpful and productive in the relationship dynamic.
Way more painful for a guy to hear it 3 days later after he thought he was doing a good job. Crap I can see where I’ve gone wrong. Sorry to the guys who I’ve interacted with this way 😢
Sad for myself, that I didn’t know I could speak up 😢
Alllll the wasted yeeeeeeeeaaaaaarrrrrrssss 😭
Mark, you have to keep sharing this stuff.
Yes! Nicely, of course : )
@ yes, exactly, nicely.
This practice also makes you more trustworthy. My man knows the very moment that I am pleased. He also knows the very moment that things don't feel quite right. It gives him the opportunity to solve a problem for me, and it also reinforces that I won't lie to him. I won't say I'm fine when I mean I'm having a hard time
I have found an order for this just in time. Feedback to work well, you also need to provide immediate positive feedback when things are going well.
Really good advice. Great clear example of what you are trying to explain. I appreciated this ☺️ thank you
I don't think women voluntarily want to hurt a man! Unless they are toxic women - in which case they act the same way with other women too - or he has been total a ☆☆☆ h ☆☆☆, most of the time - They might just burst out crying !☆💟💟💟☆
So basically tell.the truth gently
But that's like a simple thing
Put most kindly thanks Mark 🤩
I like Mark as a dating coach. More so than any others I have listened to.
I'm surprised by her audacity to expect something grand. If he doesn't do naturally you either accept the way he is and make grandious dates with yourself for yourself or you leave.
Audacity to expect especially when he sounds unsure about her.
She needs to let him to know so he can move on. More fish in the sea.