INTJ here, door slammed my only group of friends few years ago because I believe friends should support each other, not talk behind each other’s backs. They were talking bad about me, and it left me feeling betrayed, sad, and strangely relieved. I cried and felt happy at the same time as if I’d regained my freedom.
As an INFJ, I'm glad you were able to acknowledge how you felt and let it out even if it was really uncomfortable. Your past situation resonates with me as well. And now I'm looking forward to make new friends (hopefully it won't be super hard).
Being betrayed by somebody is a horrible feeling. I hope you are in a better place now and remember that it is worthwile at least considering forgiving somebody as long as the other party shows through their actions that they want to amend the situation. I'm not necessarily talking about your previous friends.
I agree 100%. Crossing a line is an act of betrayal, especially after you've made it known over and over that you don't appreciate what was said or done. We, as INTJs, don't form our values lightly. A lot of time and effort is spent researching and doing what we think is best. I think you are justified in doorslamming people out of your life who violate our terms of service. I am able to forgive most of the time, but not forget, so I won't make the same mistakes again. Thank you for your honesty and standing up for your convictions.
I've been told that I hold grudges but it's actually that I don't forget the signs. I won't allow myself to make the same mistake twice because of how much time I spent over analyzing what happened✊
I understand where you're coming from, and I respect the importance of maintaining boundaries. However, I think it’s worth considering that cutting people off entirely-especially through the "doorslam"-can sometimes prevent meaningful resolution and personal growth. I know INTJs, pride themselves on being logical and strategic, but relationships are inherently complex and emotional. People make mistakes, and sometimes those missteps are more about misunderstanding than intentional betrayal. By immediately shutting someone out, we might miss an opportunity to foster understanding or even strengthen the relationship through honest dialogue. I’m not saying boundaries shouldn’t be enforced, but maybe there’s value in distinguishing between intentional harm and human imperfection. Growth comes not just from protecting ourselves but also from learning how to navigate conflict with resilience. What do you think?
Thank you for expressing these thoughts and emotions to us. They need to be shared. I doorslammed my ex-best friend of two years some time ago. They repeatedly and consciously poked at me and my values despite many confrontations and chances I gave them. When I broke them off, I felt relief at first. But then, I felt slightly... empty. They were a part of my life, until suddenly, they weren't. Did I regret my choice? Absolutely not. But there was still grief I felt. After closure, I grew as an individual. I set stronger boundaries around my beliefs, and I will always stand up for them. :) Thanks again, Jon!
I understand the empty feeling. I still think about the friends that I had to leave and wish things were different but then accept that things will only be different once they take responsibility for their actions. Until then, they'll remain a bittersweet memory.
You know, I think there is a certain pattern to pick up on in humanoid behavior right now.. bit of a resignation over the general state of the world mixed (politics etc) with hope/stress that yule celebration will save or at least distract for a bit. Now I don`t really spend much thought/energy on either, and maintain a very positive outlook on the future (one of our INTJ superpower), buuut I can see a lot of friction and affect in those around me. Slammed the door on ESFJ last week for being am unhealthy little choleric/EJ, probably in part he was under effect from the above. More of a preventive slam tho as I think I he sees me as more of an INTP (or blue/green IJ/IP as he is into DISC) that he can control/Se and does not know I could obliterate him with Te or any other way I choose.. anyway I might open the door again tomorrow if things can be straightened out/course corrected. Thanks for the video, brother.
3:34 Totally can relate to that. "Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at." When a very close friend or a relative you believe is a good person laughs at someone maliciously, that's the deal breaker. That is the time when he/she breaks INTJs' trust.
The key word to INTJ is trust. To INTJ our core values are strong and very essential to how we function, exist and contributing. I door-slammed a person very close to me. Yes, I would forgive and even forget because that person matters. But what hurt the most wasn’t the accidental mistake the person made, it was the non-apology that came after, that showed their true colors. So I agree, we can put it past behind but only if they are sincere. We’ve learned and analysed enough patterns to not be bitten twice. It’s an act of self-preservation at the end. We love ourselves more to not lose ourselves even if it meant to lose them. At my age, I learn to keep only people that matter no matter how few. It’s the peace of mind. Your sanity and reputation is the people you associated with.
You described it so well. I also had to let go of someone who was unloyal and refused to apologize and gave no logical explanation. More than once. It was a situation that would be debilitating for anyone and even more for an intj
True. W'e're often viewed as "cold-hearted", but this couldn't be further from the truth. My door-slams come after only months and years of trying to reason with that person, no matter how gruelling it may be for me. At a certain point, I have to choose me, like any reasonable person would and should do.
Love your videos man. I’m an intj too. I didn’t know the door slam was a thing. I’ve done it to someone recently, I hope the best for them, my heart aches for their loss, me. I realize how that sounds, but it’s true. I hope the best for them. The depth of sorrow I feel every time I see how crazy they act to try and hurt me is difficult to explain. They are an unhealthy enfj, their blows are below the belt. Yet I will overcome and be better without them, and in moments alone feel sorry for them even though they take no accountability. I will not ever allow this person as close, but of course I would help them at a distance. But only at a distance.
Exactly. I’m not happy o slam the door, I sit in a room and take time before I slam the door. So far, I’ve closed a lot of doors. Just got my mental health, just to get my glow back. And the funny thing is, they never ask how we are? They dismissed us. All the time! I’m tired mentally, I’m done being there for people.?
Thanks again ❤ Jon how precisely you explain everything about us. I especially like the part in your video where you mention that other people say we are overreacting, that happened a lot to me when I was younger.
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, I'm the first to admit it. I had an abusive childhood which often caused me to take out my frustrations on others in my teens and 20's. I KNEW and WANTED to make a change in myself and began working toward those ends in my early 20's. I soon realized however that my past actions/history with those closest to me created obstacles to the changes I wanted to make in myself. I was trying to re-invent myself to be a better version of myself but often found that those closest to me never seemed to want to let me forget the past. Totally understandable. My own family members (brother, father and mother especially) could never seem to understand what I was trying to do and always reverted to treating me like that foolish and somewhat arrogant young INTJ of the past. My closest friends, as much as I love them, also had trouble letting go of certain instilled behavior patterns. In 2002 (I was 35) I made a choice and moved 3,000 miles away from everything I knew to a place where I didn't really know a single soul. I left pretty much everything and everyone behind. What I understand most now is that I wasn't slamming the door on them, so much as I was slamming it on the person I used to be. Now I am in my late 50's and though there are bittersweet memories, I have no real regrets. My relationships of the past are still there, but not nearly as close knit as they once were. It's as if my friends and family don't really recognize or know who I am anymore, but then perhaps they never really knew me. I can't put all the blame on them, I am equally responsible. Some of my past mistakes were repeated in my new home. It's hard to change old behavioral patterns. But few have been able to get close enough for it to matter much. They come and go it seems, so quickly. I cherish every light that has come into my life, no matter how briefly and simply accept what is. And even though I am most often alone, I'm pretty ok with it. I am after all, 93% introverted. 🙂
I had a friend recently whom I've known since our teenage years say "You dont like x,y,z" even when I told her that I've been interested in those topics for years. They choose to hear what they want to hear and create their own version of us and I learned that I just have to accept it. I moved away for a bit as well and I undesrtand how freeing it feels but also difficult accepting that old habits are hard to break. We're alone, but no lonely ✊
Thank you for for creating this video. I hadn’t heard of this door slam concept before but I did it recently. It described my internal processes perfectly. I’ve only done it (door slam) two times in a 25 year time period, so when the situation arose this time I reflected a lot about both situations. It was very sad to be in a similar situation again. But I knew what needed to be done. The relationship had already ended regardless of whether I did anything. It was inevitably headed on the path of destruction. It would never be the same or be restored. Nothing could be reconciled. You explained it so much better than I could.
thank you for speaking on behalf of intjs on this coping mechanism. indeed, doorslamming is not easy for anyone, whether on the receiving end or the delivering end. to pretty much summarise Jon's video, if an intj ever doorslams you, please know that: 1. the decision was not made lightly and that, like with nearly every action the we make in the real world, it's a last resort that took a lot of deliberation ("nearly" because we do act spontaneously on impulse...once in a blue moon when we turn on Se) 2. it's not permanent; no solution is ever permanent and it can be undone, but don't expect the intj to make the first move of reaching out yet another olive branch for one more time, especially once we're done expending energy repeating ourselves and trusting you with our Fi (we're willing to forgive only if you work to earn our trust - we generally don't give out trust for free) 3. if the intj accepts your apology, please be patient and understand that it can take ten times more effort to gain back the trust (paranoia is no joke, particularly when we have enough Se data for our Ni to keep seeing the same depressing result that finally led us to doorslam to begin with)
I think the rest of them don't talk about the emotional turmoil because 1) They don't even register it and 2) Fe, man. 1) We're not visually expressive. You're right that we're usually pretty easy going because of Fi. But our face and behaviors don't register it for them. We're the bad boys and girls they really want to impress, or so it seems most of the time. They don't seem to realize that they don't actually need to perform for us all the time. Or that we're probably not what they think we are. And then there's the times we stop being easy going. I've seen it said about INFPs and ISFPs that they're easy going except for this ONE THING that they really passionately believe in, and they're going to turn into chihuahuas ripping your face off over it. And I guess people are just not extrapolating that Fi out to other Fi users. It's why we can have a good thing going with IXFPs because we get it, and if we can get our values to align, we're golden. But yeah, the IXFPs show all the emotion that they feel about things. And INTJs and ISTJs don't. And so people think we're robots. 2) Fe users are very good at having lots of surface level attachments (especially if they're extroverts). And it's one of the things that makes me view Fe users (particularly extroverts) with a level of suspicion when it comes to trying to make friends. Because it doesn't feel real. I'd rather keep them in my acquaintance circle rather than my friendship circle, let alone my inner circle. Because it feels like they're fair weather friends who will drop you if the going gets tough. If an acquaintance drops me, that's fine. We weren't that close, and just had a few pleasant times together. I wish them well because it was all surface. If a friend drops me, it hurts and is personal. Because that relationship had depth. Fe people have very different definitions of "friends" than Fi people. So when it comes to evaluating friendships, they treat their friends more like acquaintances, or so it feels to me. They may spend more time to them, open more of their hearts to each other, but in the end, that's the kind of value they seem to attach to a lot of their friendships. And so when they try to relate to us, they use their values and extrapolate them onto our friendships, and it just doesn't work. Fe has the breadth of an ocean and the depth of a puddle. Fi has the breadth of a kiddie pool, but the depth of an ocean. As for you specifically, that seems like a lot of door slams. But you've also given the impression of having a lot more friends than most introverts have, so perhaps part of your issue is that you are letting in a lot of people, and that's just a lot more turmoil in general. And maybe even going a little bit against your nature. I don't say this to discourage you at all. It can take great strength to go out and make that many friends and be emotionally available to that many people. We're all different. This is the way you choose to live your life, and I don't see anything wrong with it. There's just this downside that the more people you know, the more relationships are going to go wrong. And the more people you know the more you're going to end up with friends who turn out to have only a surface relationship to you because they weren't capable of evaluating the depth. Like the last example you give where your friend would get upset with you for standing up for what you believed to be right. That seems like a serious disconnect on values where not only do you not agree on values, but your friend is directly opposed to you on a core value. I'm suspecting that the reason you didn't screen the person out earlier is that you open yourself up to many relationships with lots of different people. Anyway, as for the pain, I usually deal with it by telling myself it was a good and valuable relationship up to that point. That I shouldn't blame myself for the past. And that since I don't believe in controlling people, the only thing to do is accept the person is who they say they are now, and treat them accordingly. Do I think about the people I've cut out of my life? Yes. I probably will for the rest of my life. I miss them. I miss the relationship. I can get nostalgic. But at the end of my nostalgia trip, I always remind myself of why it was over, and that it being over was the right thing.
I'm okay with people having different values than I do because I've seen enough of the world to accept that reality is different for everyone. The issue is when their values are in the way of basic human rights and they become forceful with others. You are allowed your own opinion but you've cross the line when you devalue someone else's opinion and start becoming violent whether physically or emotionally.
@@justcallmejon22 I don't disagree with you at all. And as I said, we're all different, and knowing lots of different people can be a good thing. I just think a lot of Fi introverts would have screened out someone whose values were that incompatible much earlier and left them in the acquaintance circle if they wanted to keep the relationship at all. Getting attached to people who are bound to disappoint us hurts. Not everyone wants to risk themselves to be a positive influence.
@@Itsmesmileyface I'm not sure I want to go so far as to say they lack depth of feeling. Fe is something I've struggled to understand simply because so many people seem to live like that and I never could. So saying they don't have deep feelings seems unfair. Maybe just that it's not a prerequisite to being their friend. So they'll call you a friend, but you can't be sure if they really mean it the way you would mean it as an Fi person.
6:20, I’ve never experienced that before but I think I would be uncomfortable too 6:29, that’s admirable and very brave of you, it’s good you stand up for what you believe! ✊✊✊ If a stranger crosses my boundaries, I’ll get a little bothered and then rub it off really quickly. But if someone I trust cross my boundaries, I’ll get very hurt because it’s hard for me to trust people and that person is very lucky that I trust them and now it’s broken :(
Success for Breakfast has a great INTJ Doorslam video. Not saying it doesnt hurt but still its needed to save our time and energy. Thanks for offering a softer side of it.
Ive been watching you for a while, and ive stumbled upn video saying intjs never sound dumb in conversations, or that they are self confident. I unfortunately dont see myself in that light. Sad part is that ive been trying to type myself for over a year now and intj seems to be my best bet, expecially when i was introduced to cognitive functions. I first tought that i was intp, but i just never clicked with that personality type, i certainly dont have Fe as my child funcrion or Ne as my dominant one. I also loved your video on intj love story of cognitive functions and found myself relating to it. But with all that Ni "glazing" to say, i dont think im intj anymore, yes when i enter subject im interested in i go full in and yes i know how to wigle around stuff i dont know to look smart but it doesnt work as you said in earlier videos. Also seen a video of you saying that all intjs are optimistic nillists and i just dont find myself being one. Ive noticed that i just dont find you talking about weaknesses as much as strenghts
I've been considering making a video on INTJ weaknesses but I've built my channel on uplifting the community instead of putting INTJs or any other types down. Those videos are out there, usually made by other types and their opinions on INTJs. I know I'm an INTJ because of how strong Te is. Mama Te is always around the corner in everything that I do. I'm aware that I made a few Fi-related videos recently that won't resonate with everyone. Whatever type you end up being, remember that MBTI is just a tool and shouldn't be your identity ✊ (Thank you for all the support and don't forget to continue to grow!)
MBTI has been an interest of mine for quite some time. While exploring videos on the subject, I came across your channel and this particular video. It sparked some thoughts, especially about how people use MBTI to justify or define their behaviors-something I find worth discussing. MBTI has always been intended as a starting point, not a definitive diagnostic tool. Yet, I’ve noticed a growing tendency for individuals to lean on their MBTI type as a justification for their actions, often without critically examining their behaviors. This approach can have unintended pitfalls, particularly when it discourages personal accountability. For example, someone might say, “I’m an introvert, so I’m not good at communicating,” and use this as an excuse rather than working to improve their communication skills. This mindset can hinder personal growth and create a sense of fatalism, where individuals feel trapped by their type instead of empowered to grow beyond it. Some might argue that using MBTI in this way is an empowering method of protecting one’s mental and emotional well-being. However, when such behavior is justified through MBTI, it can perpetuate emotional detachment and avoidance. For instance, the “doorslam” phenomenon-where someone cuts off a relationship entirely-often reflects a rigid interpretation of MBTI. Individuals may assume that such actions align with their type, reinforcing pre-existing beliefs and making it harder to consider alternative perspectives or solutions. This selective interpretation can have a significant impact, particularly in relationships. Relying on MBTI to make decisions in these contexts often overlooks the emotional intricacies involved. It can prevent individuals from addressing underlying conflicts constructively. Thinkers, for example, who might already struggle with emotional processing, could use MBTI as a rationale for avoiding difficult conversations. This not only strains their relationships but also limits their ability to develop emotional intelligence and healthier ways of navigating interpersonal challenges. Ultimately, while MBTI has its appeal, it’s important to approach it with a critical eye. Its value lies in encouraging self-reflection, improving communication, and fostering empathy. However, it should not be used as a rigid framework or a justification for decisions that require deeper emotional and contextual consideration. Human beings are far too complex to be reduced to 16 categories. We owe it to ourselves and to others to embrace that complexity and approach MBTI as a tool for growth, not a limitation. Sorry this was a long post.
The INTJs in my life suffer at the hands of any fallings-out, whether they are the door slammers or the ones being door slammed. I definitely see how much courage it takes them to trust another person with their unfiltered selves and how tough it is for them to deal with the feelings when something goes wrong. Whether they wanted to admit it or not, I could see there was a lot of feeling involved and I felt for them massively.
I'm also an INTJ and don't Doorslam: I think because I'm Christian, and a Doorslam is, essentially saying _"I give up on person X, not even desiring reconciliation"_ - It's a terrible point to be, and the closest I ever got was with my dad who (admittedly trying to bid for connection) proffered a hypothetical essentially insinuating only-emotional irrevocable life-changing decision-making on my part: I'm probably the least so of all my siblings, and the whole proposition was utterly insulting because it revealed not only that my dad doesn't know me, but doesn't really want to [and never will]… it was _that_ hurt that made me want to Doorslam. And *WOW!* you are the _first_ person who has said that we INTJs would love reconciliation, all we really want is accountability and honest apology. - You mentioned "promising it won't happen again", and I agree, though I think you and I would both be willing to accept (for all but the non-negotiable/core-value) a _"I can't promise I won't slip up, but I'll try"_ apology, if it were honest. (As you said, INTJs _are_ easygoing to those in their inner circle.)
Wow I didn’t even know that there was a term for this! Just within the past 2 years, I’ve done it three times because of violations of trust. I wish it wasn’t my default reaction to conflict but I feel like once I analyze the relationship enough to believe that the energy spent outweighs the enjoyment, there’s almost no changing my mind. It’s like the will to continue pursuing the relationship completely shatters and it hurts.
Drastic situations call for drastic measures I had a person call me an idiot and I can't be myself when my every word is constantly scrutinized so I had to say I'm done with this so I severed ties . I feel a sense of relief and that tells me that I made the right choice I have been tolerant for a while everyone has their breaking point I had mine .
Getting to the point where one has to doorslam another, completely erasing them from their framework of existence is quite painful... I applaud you for sharing your emotions and experience, it's never an easy task :) Haven't met many INTJs in the real world, but from what I saw... One can sense a kind of warmth when it comes to dealing with difficult situations... Quite interesting. As for me, as an INFJ... I think it's that we have a bigger capacity for tolerance, that when completely used up... It's hard to go back. And if the relationship were to be established it's almost never like before. The whole concept is quite agonizing :') Though we never get to know our blindspots without dealing with certain kinds of people. Pain is a necessary path for growth. Best of wishes to us all in our life journeys :)
I'm ENTP, and I once had an INTJ friend who doorslamed me...the last sentence kind of hurt, because that's what happened between us - she's better or without me, wether it's just a thought, or an actual truth....
It's never too late to make things right. Provide a sincere apology and listen when they explain how you hurt them and accept that it happened. The beauty of an INTJ is that we're forward focused so it means the world to us if the other person shows that they're willing to improve. Good luck and I'm sure your INTJ has been waiting for you to reach out ❤
4:08 I doorslammed many people so many times because I used to be quite immature and carried some kind of depressed-sad-traumatic energy since I was a kid-maybe because my parent or ancestors had trauma, so I was born like this. I was confused about many things, about myself, and about what I really wanted in life. This made me doorslam or leave a lot of people for no apparent reason (to them). But now, I have found myself and what I really want in life, so I think I can be more open to others. However, my close circle will still consist of people who share my Fi values, cause if you are religious, you automatically have more detailed and strict values than non-religious folks. For example, even in talking, there are many rules: you must not be rude, your tone of voice must be gentle and use only good words, you must not belittle others or use a harsh tone, and towards men, if u are woman you must not be too friendly unless they are your family, etc. Maybe for Fe users, Fi values feel very limiting. However, Fi helps you more with screening important people and focusing on something more meaningful for your life and mental health. Sometimes, I see some Fe users who don't have strong Fi values making trouble for themselves because they don't have clear principles or boundaries, so other people often violate their boundaries because they keep trying to please others and open up to so many people
You use tarot cards?! 😃 (I feel you. Introverted Fi people do not have a wide social net, so every person in our life matters deeply. The loss squeezes the heart, and it makes you question everything you thought you knew about human judgment of character...even though you know it's the lesser of two evils in the long run to just cut it loose. I relate very much to the constant vocalization of boundaries that get stepped over; the fact that the boundary was so explicitly expressed means the evidence is undeniable that the violation was conscious, even if you want to believe with your whole soul that the person just "made a mistake.")
Oh yeah, very accurate. The people most common in my dreams are people I've doorslammed a long time ago. And for some I wait to open the door, but they refuse to apologise directly, though they expressed guilt through third parties.
100% agree. It is also never something I brag about or volunteer in conversation (that I door slammed someone). It's almost like I'm not proud of slamming it because it shows a fault in ME, having trusted this person & failed.
I can think of a doorslam story or two myself that I'm not very proud of. They were toward people who didn't deserve it, and it only happened because at the time I was unhealthy and volatile. I already know I fucked up, but I still think about these people every day and hope they're doing well, enjoying life. All the doorslams I've done that I'm not proud of came during a time I was unhealthy. All the other ones I know it was the right decision.
I rarely use the doorslam technique but when I do it's almost certainly final. The other thing is I will allow my associates and friends to poke fun at me and I will often do it myself but that's only possible as long as I know they don't do it out of malice. If I see somebody crossing that line I will go for the throat. Fortunately I don't have to do that often either.
Sometimes I wish I had less self-restraint so that I can 'go for the throat' but I've learned that I usually regret it afterwards. Decades later and I'm still mad at myself for what I said at 9 years old 😢
@@justcallmejon22 That's not a method for everyone and I unfortunately had the rotten luck of having to interact with people who wouldn't stop their crap when they were asked to do so. Besides that I might have used wrong description as English is not my native language. To be more precise what I mean by going for the throat in this case is that I become volatile and I will use all the verbal ammo on the target that I have. And most of the time by the moment I start my verbal assault the target has provided me with a lot of ammo. Last but not least having more compassion and self-restraint than me says a lot of good about you. I try to avoid this very bad trait of mine but sometimes I just have to because otherwise the person might never learn not to cross the boundaries.
Thanks for the content. Hey I also saw there is a Tarot behind you and I don't know if it's yours, but I am deeply interested in the topic of INTJ and spirituality, esoterism and beliefs. Because INTJs are usually rational people, but I guess your Ni must give you intuitions and insights that may connect you with the subtle parts of existence 😊 ENFP
I think the INTJ way is the "wrong" way to approaching friendships and relationships. Like everything relating to social skills it would be beneficial to learn better ways to cope with those negative patterns. In a sense, we ARE overreacting because when it comes to emotions and trust we definitely are not in the norm. I see so many "friendships" and "relationships" where they're being maintained not because they respect their boundaries or each other, but because to them it's preferable to ending up alone. Nowadays though, relationships and friendships seem more superficial so it's better to "doorslam" than to tolerate someone that brings you paranoia and anxiety especially if the betrayal cut deep enough. I foster my very few deep relationships as best as I can knowing the weakness of my personality. Then again, maybe it's an INTJ/introvert aspect that we have a high tolerance for being alone and might even prefer it at times.
I see where you're coming from and I agree to an extent. I have plenty of friends and family that annoy me constantly but I love them and still hold them dearly. A prerequisite for the doorslam is the intent to overstep a boundary. Someone else's joy shouldn't come at the expense of my happiness.
Yea, key words were "defense mechanism". This all sounds really dramatic, but it's really not. I dont want to see anyone, especially the erased person me dealing with the aftermath. I'm pretty sure a lot of us have tried dealing with it differently back in childhood/adolescence but it didnt work very well.
I have door slammed 4 people total in my life. Each one was only done after years of me trying to make it work but the other person continues to be either abusive, emotionally disruptive, or disrespectful.
ENFJ here ik im Fe dom but like i get Fi users cuz i grew up with them ngl it took alot of research cuz Fi users are just unpredictable while Fe are pretty predictable in my opinion atleast so ya i just wanted to thank u for making me understand the actual doorslam cuz like many so called INTJs are making things up expecially regarding doorslam at some point i was thinking whether its true or not but now ik its not cuz they were fake INTJs or unhealthy ones ig thanks for making this video means alot❤ Crazy fact: i also use the doorslam technique i think it is a NJ thing maybe idk i might be wrong but ya i use doorslam on ppl who just crossed the last line i made like i give them a thousand chances but when they cross the very line i didnt want them to cross they are out idk know them anymore or need them in my life ill probably be traumatised for months lol but ill move on.. i used doorslam on my cousin cuz she crossed a line i never thought she'd cross and after a few weeks she apologised a 1000 times so i forgave her and we are good now she is an ISFJ btw.
I'm happy to hear that your cousin apologized and that you're both good now. It takes a lot for someone to admit fault but I'm sure you've made her introspect and become a healthier person ✊
I think both Fe and Fi can be predictable, but Fe is more predictable because Fe is societal norms & Fe seeks to please others. But Fi can also be predictable if Fi users choose to submit themselves to a consistent philosophy or religion Fi is a highly individualistic function, so one Fi user and another can be very different. Therefore, Fi can be both predictable and unpredictable at the same time-it all depends on the individual. Fi user 1 might be unpredictable, while Fi user 2 could be predictable. Moreover, if they become religious teachers, they need to be predictable, Fi users usually love this field cus it's about spiritual feelings & morality, something that cannot be obtained through Te/Ti materialism I also think sometimes Fi can be more predictable than Fe cause Fe users can easily change their faces/demeanors depending on the person they're interacting with, while Fi user face tend to remain the same cause Fi always stay true to the authentic self
If you expressed you were upset with a careless person being a jerk, and they doubled down on being a jerk in some defensive complex because “their freedom to make you uncomfortable meant more to them than the goal of being a good person and trying to understand,” then a serious doorslam is necessary at some point no matter their personality type (ENFP here). Everyone should be able to trust their friends to respect them, when it’s so hard to get close to people to begin with. I’m sorry some people weren’t mature enough to value that when you thought they would, it’s hella disappointing on a lot of levels sometimes. It’s honorable to forgive if someone does the adequate reflection, but that’s like starting from -50 instead of zero as well… ah, drama, life, and growth. I guess it’s the spirit of the season. Let us know when the spirits appear and what the future holds 😅. Happier Holidays!
One of the difficult part of doorslamming that I didn't mention in the video is that it goes against our belief of loyalty. IxTJs are almost loyal to a fault, but INTJs tend to be more vocal when change is required. Friends and family will constantly make mistakes and I agree that it really just comes down to intent, whether they're being a jerk on purpose. Happy Holidays to you as well! 🎊
INTJ here, nope I don't feel bad about Door slams nor am I proud about it, just feel nothing about it, I do it for efficiency, my Ni don't see a sustainable relationship with the person and I try to cut them off being lean so I can be agile (all for efficiency)
6:15 That's the thing. A lot of people don't make friends for appearance sake. Many of us have a "let me explain" friend that we accept regardless. So, if WE determine you can't hang anymore, it is because you are too harmful to the system we are trying to build. I basically had a brother-like friend that became an N-word spouting 4-channer. My Fi made me keep him longer than I should have, and even lost credibility from the Fe tribe over it. The final straw was when I became a father, and decided I wouldnt want my kid to follow my example.
I went through something similar. I defended my friend against the Fe tribe and still got taken advantage of by the friend I was defending. I'm glad you made a change for the sake of your children, they'll be better off because of your decision ✊
I understand. I've had to hold my silbings accountible for their actions plenty of times throughout my life. It's never fun but it's necessary. I hope you two rekindle things one day ✊
@@justcallmejon22 Can't happen. She didn't do anything wrong from her perspective. Once you lose trust in a person really close to you, you can't claw it back.
You have to mess up bad to get a door slam... it is a death, you betrayed our trust and its gone past unforgivable... we mourn because you forced us to erase you permanently and also angered because we doubt our own ability to not see it coming...
Hey, I'm new to your channel. I would really like to have some discussions with you or maybe private talk with you on some app , I do have many questions. Im dating an intj male and it has been very hard for me , we are long distance and i don't really know how to act or deal with him sometimes. Can I ask some questions to you in private, i really need answers.
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a tough time with your partner but I am in no way the properly channel for emotional resolution since I can't even maintain a relationship myself. I hope you find what you need and that everything works out for you ❤
I’m of the opinion that ALL types can do the doorslam; but the Fi users are more known for it because they do it with a higher frequency. I think fe users can do a doorslam but …. Ours is more like throwing a person out of your home, cursing them out, roasting their actions and character down to the bone and THEN slamming the door. But you have to push us sooooo far in order to get a PROPER doorslam from a Fe user. And believe me, an apology will get you NOWHERE after an Fe doorslam. They’re also likely to be somewhat hostile or mistrustful of people who still associate with the doorslam receiver, after the fact. Because Fe users have more communal feelings versus individual feelings.
It sounds like there are sides that needed to be taken after an Fe doorslam. Does that mean that relationships will sour if a person doesn't choose a side?
Hmmm, as an ENTP, i kind of want to offer a different perspective. First and foremost, i have had 5 major Te users in my life. Allegedly, i believe i had two ENTJ's, one ESTJ, one ISFJ and one ESFP. Esfp sis, Isfj ex, and Entj dad and the two others are my friends. I am also in the works of reworking mbti but i digress. Currently i broke off all contact with my dad, ex, and sister. I maintain a good relationship with my two friends (as well as my mum Ti). First i want to stress that an ENTP does not have a strong sense of identity and feeling. Second, the 3 perpetrators had all one thing in common. In my eyes, their Fi clashed with my Ti. Your values can be in conflict with logic. For example, i would argue that religion is a form of mass manipulation and a conspiracy theory. Facts. Now this makes me less integrated with religious folks you can imagine, but what if you value drinking (ENTJ). What if you value partying (ESFP). What if you value being called pretty but also please tell me the truth and i will never accept anything but you telling me i am the most beautiful person in the world and never look to another woman pronto (ISTJ). I mean, all of these have a thing, where their values in some form clash with consistency and symmetry. They are not profitable. Your values have an opportunity cost, and i don't think you guys realise enough the cost function of your values opportunity. OH I LOVE THAT DRESS - wtf it costs 300- BUT I LOVE IT. Any value that is not strictly necessary, like food, safety and security, shelter is even a stretch, will be taken as an unnecessary expense to the observer (Fe user). Third, what if you value yourself [put!n]. What if you value winning [trump]. What if you devalue the jewish ethnicity [h!tler]. What if you value global domination [all 3] I feel that Te value accountability, but they do not take accountability themselves seriously enough. Especially when they are 'drunk, sad, angry, tired'. Any toxic excuse, especially intoxication, that causes them to make a very unjustified distinction in their character. Well life is tough and take responsibility for especially you at your worst. Then heck they try to overthrow the korean government because "i'm afraid", while they caused that position in the first place. Well man up. I could go in much more detailed, wrote a long piece but my thoughts were too scattered, more than usual.
Note, key words are coping mechanisms, and insecurity. I can't argue too much against Ti users, because their intoxications are usually self-destructive, but the outwards reach of Te causes the petty of the Fi user to become everyone's problem. I don't mind you being drunk, but I do mind you pulling me by my hair out of my bed. "BuT yOu DiD nOt HaNg Up YoUr ToWeL" [in other words i did not respect his values enough to remember]. But you are drunk, I am 12, I am forgetful, but this I will remember.
@@Itsmesmileyface I think you are somewhat weakly correct, but not really. I think you are overestimating it, and i don't know if you are correct which tells me enough. The only person in my life who is not atheist is my mother - ESTP. I think it is more useful to ask yourself how they are speaking. Ti users are more utilitarian. They would value i believe in xyz because xyz gives me a sense of values, justice, and security. It is very content based. Religion exists in the subject. The me. In Te, it exists in the object. They rather look at the first and second testament. Look at the records and they claim how it helps them to justify their very existence and the world around them etc. It is slightly different. Additionally, jung said it very clearly, until you look at the shadow right into the eye, which he did not as far as i am aware define clearly enough, you will look at your shadow and call it fate. What you call fate, and what my mum calls fate, has reasons. My two ENTJ's, ISTJ, ESTJ and ESFP are all atheists.
I get what you're saying because I've experienced it myself from other people and have realized that sometimes my Fi is unreasonable or lacks logic. What I want to note is that Fi doesn't have to follow logic and that it doesn't have to make sense to anyone besides ourselves. It's similar to when I question a Ti user has their own framework about something. I'm not going to tell an ESTP that intermitten fasting is dumb and make fun of them if they're using it to better themselves. I'm not going to tell an ENTP that they're dumb listening to white/brown noise to sleep because science say it helps when all it does is annoy me when I try it. The examples your provided are extremes and I provided two examples that are relatable to any person who isn't a genocidal maniac. The point is that I clearly drew a line on the sand letting these people not to step over it and they did. If you think it's unreasonable, you're free to leave but don't act confused when you step over it and wonder why this person is upset at you.
@@justcallmejon22 About your examples, it is completely reasonable to draw a line btw. Wrote the thing at like minute 3 in the video. I can imagine many many Ti users traumatised and behave insufficiently, and likewise Ti can just be plain wrong. I would be very skeptical to adopt someone else's Ti as a Ti user myself. Ti can also be very egoistic, I think Trump is an ESTP, which is contrarian to the Te dominated Capital Hill. People say ENTP's are great with politics bullsheisse. I am just suggesting Te can be very shitty as well if not cared for enough. There is always a good test if you can be friends with a Ti user. The default of a Ti user from a Ti perspective is I don't know. It is the implication of a subjective point of view. Inability to value the object or objective. People call this in part autism. In part because autism is a fremmdelingsbestimung and a combination of random arbitration, just look at the definition, it is ridiculous. INTP and ENTP's build structures from the ground up, theories so they can function. It takes grave time and effort to build these structures. You might be inclined to convince them, but they can only convince themselves. Trust me, many have tried. Will you accept an I don't know for an answer? If not, what do you do. Will you pressure them to make them know, while they frankly don't care that much about your values. I mean, values are so unrelatable to begin with. They value it, but they probably outsource them to you. How do you engage Fe. What is Fe really, because there are still many things unexplained about Fe. People say it is empathy, but that is insufficient. If Te adopts and adapts, what is empathy? I think it is the least understood function about MBTI, because people argue it is opposite to logic, but I would argue logic also exists in the Fe. If you cheated on me somehow, I will feel pretty terrible. Is that illogical? Many things are still unanswered.
I theorize people who are proud of door-slamming are either narcissistic and derive pleasure from others’ pain, or they were proud of themselves for upholding boundaries under difficult circumstances and anguish. There is no in between. lol Ooh! Maybe it’s also to preemptively ward off potential abusers. Oh yes, I do that one. It’s a sort of insecure safety measure that probably actually backfires. Let ‘em know I’m not afraid to kick them out of my life, so pls don’t hurt me ‘kay? :S
Honestly, it's not doorslam for INTJs. It just seems like it because people don't listen even if they communicate their needs or feelings until they stopped talking and became distant from them.
It's the nuances that makes it INTJ as I'm not sure how other types handle doorslams. INTJs are problem solvers and have a high tolerance for annoyance. I'd put money that most INTJs that doorslam has only done it because they felt like they've exhausted every option and this was the only way to maintain their peace.
I just don't want to waste MY time, If we(by we I mean anyone) don't have time to enjoy the time we are together, then I'm done, I don't want to "fix", I don't want to wait for people to change, and most likely I wont change because of anyone else.
Hmm I don’t necessarily agree that the doorslam is reversible and the statement of “just apologise” is simplifying it too much. It is a difficult position for the INTJ that an apology does not have enough weight behind it. Using your example. If a friend that you’ve repeatedly asked them not to do a thing and they repeatedly and consciously (using your words) gone against it. Does an apology really change anything? We’ve gone through a roller coaster before we decided the doorslam, we are not opening that door unless we know 100% it will remain open. “Fool me twice, shame on me”. Something else - I think you’re a bit of an atypical INTJ. Most INTJ do not have the amount of friends you have. And because of that, your Fe is likely trained to a higher level than the typical INTJ. Hence I’m wondering if you are more inflienced by Fe than a typical INTJ when it comes to undoorslamming.
If a person is part of my Fi, they have a road back if they accept responsibility for their actions and promise to change. How can I consider myself a good person if I don't allow people to change especially if they took the initiative to reach out for forgiveness?
Could an INTJ really be Batman?? 1) Seems unlikely to want to live that spoiled-playboy life (even for show). 2) The costume looks excessive and uncomfortable. 3) Seems terribly unproductive to spend nights fighting petty criminals when the opportunity cost of your time is expensive. 4) An eye for an eye seems way more deserving for the real scum of Gotham. Is Batman just the best INTJ’s have? Seems like the real INTJ superhero would be invisible and anonymous. Like the person that invented the wheel. Or, like the alien overlords that live in the center of the earth and allow humans to pretend free will.
INTJ here, door slammed my only group of friends few years ago because I believe friends should support each other, not talk behind each other’s backs. They were talking bad about me, and it left me feeling betrayed, sad, and strangely relieved. I cried and felt happy at the same time as if I’d regained my freedom.
As an INFJ, I'm glad you were able to acknowledge how you felt and let it out even if it was really uncomfortable. Your past situation resonates with me as well. And now I'm looking forward to make new friends (hopefully it won't be super hard).
I'm sad to hear that it happened and I hope that you're in a better place with better people ❤
Being betrayed by somebody is a horrible feeling. I hope you are in a better place now and remember that it is worthwile at least considering forgiving somebody as long as the other party shows through their actions that they want to amend the situation. I'm not necessarily talking about your previous friends.
Intj, I've also cried over friendships I've lost.
It's a superpower when you're dealing with a narcissist. I think it's a super power for sure and I'm glad I have that capability!
That's a positive way of looking at it 😅
I agree 100%. Crossing a line is an act of betrayal, especially after you've made it known over and over that you don't appreciate what was said or done. We, as INTJs, don't form our values lightly. A lot of time and effort is spent researching and doing what we think is best. I think you are justified in doorslamming people out of your life who violate our terms of service. I am able to forgive most of the time, but not forget, so I won't make the same mistakes again. Thank you for your honesty and standing up for your convictions.
I've been told that I hold grudges but it's actually that I don't forget the signs. I won't allow myself to make the same mistake twice because of how much time I spent over analyzing what happened✊
I understand where you're coming from, and I respect the importance of maintaining boundaries. However, I think it’s worth considering that cutting people off entirely-especially through the "doorslam"-can sometimes prevent meaningful resolution and personal growth.
I know INTJs, pride themselves on being logical and strategic, but relationships are inherently complex and emotional. People make mistakes, and sometimes those missteps are more about misunderstanding than intentional betrayal. By immediately shutting someone out, we might miss an opportunity to foster understanding or even strengthen the relationship through honest dialogue.
I’m not saying boundaries shouldn’t be enforced, but maybe there’s value in distinguishing between intentional harm and human imperfection. Growth comes not just from protecting ourselves but also from learning how to navigate conflict with resilience. What do you think?
Thank you for expressing these thoughts and emotions to us. They need to be shared.
I doorslammed my ex-best friend of two years some time ago. They repeatedly and consciously poked at me and my values despite many confrontations and chances I gave them.
When I broke them off, I felt relief at first. But then, I felt slightly... empty. They were a part of my life, until suddenly, they weren't. Did I regret my choice? Absolutely not. But there was still grief I felt.
After closure, I grew as an individual. I set stronger boundaries around my beliefs, and I will always stand up for them. :)
Thanks again, Jon!
I understand the empty feeling. I still think about the friends that I had to leave and wish things were different but then accept that things will only be different once they take responsibility for their actions. Until then, they'll remain a bittersweet memory.
The holidays got me feeling a certain way and I needed a way to express my thoughts in a healthy manner 😶
Absolutely one of the best Doorslam videos.
Thank you.
You know, I think there is a certain pattern to pick up on in humanoid behavior right now.. bit of a resignation over the general state of the world mixed (politics etc) with hope/stress that yule celebration will save or at least distract for a bit. Now I don`t really spend much thought/energy on either, and maintain a very positive outlook on the future (one of our INTJ superpower), buuut I can see a lot of friction and affect in those around me. Slammed the door on ESFJ last week for being am unhealthy little choleric/EJ, probably in part he was under effect from the above. More of a preventive slam tho as I think I he sees me as more of an INTP (or blue/green IJ/IP as he is into DISC) that he can control/Se and does not know I could obliterate him with Te or any other way I choose.. anyway I might open the door again tomorrow if things can be straightened out/course corrected.
Thanks for the video, brother.
I'm really glad I found your channel and LiJo's channel.
I'm glad u did keep up the good work!❤
@ which video of hers would you recommend for me? My interest is Ni-Fi looptyloooo…🙃
If you don’t know then I guess I won’t be lazy to look it up.
3:34 Totally can relate to that.
"Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at."
When a very close friend or a relative you believe is a good person laughs at someone maliciously, that's the deal breaker. That is the time when he/she breaks INTJs' trust.
It really does hurt when that happens 😕
The key word to INTJ is trust. To INTJ our core values are strong and very essential to how we function, exist and contributing. I door-slammed a person very close to me. Yes, I would forgive and even forget because that person matters. But what hurt the most wasn’t the accidental mistake the person made, it was the non-apology that came after, that showed their true colors. So I agree, we can put it past behind but only if they are sincere. We’ve learned and analysed enough patterns to not be bitten twice. It’s an act of self-preservation at the end. We love ourselves more to not lose ourselves even if it meant to lose them.
At my age, I learn to keep only people that matter no matter how few. It’s the peace of mind. Your sanity and reputation is the people you associated with.
I agree 💯 that the lack of accountibility is what hurts the most. Like, you can't admit that you hurt me?
You described it so well. I also had to let go of someone who was unloyal and refused to apologize and gave no logical explanation. More than once. It was a situation that would be debilitating for anyone and even more for an intj
INTJ: "You are meant for one more thing. -Deletion."
INTJ here, I doorslammed an INFJ after I realized he was trying to make me ashamed of myself with passive-aggressive remarks and gaslighting.
I'm sad to hear that 😢
True. W'e're often viewed as "cold-hearted", but this couldn't be further from the truth. My door-slams come after only months and years of trying to reason with that person, no matter how gruelling it may be for me. At a certain point, I have to choose me, like any reasonable person would and should do.
I understand ❤
Love your videos man. I’m an intj too. I didn’t know the door slam was a thing. I’ve done it to someone recently, I hope the best for them, my heart aches for their loss, me. I realize how that sounds, but it’s true. I hope the best for them. The depth of sorrow I feel every time I see how crazy they act to try and hurt me is difficult to explain. They are an unhealthy enfj, their blows are below the belt. Yet I will overcome and be better without them, and in moments alone feel sorry for them even though they take no accountability. I will not ever allow this person as close, but of course I would help them at a distance. But only at a distance.
I understand how you feel and I hope the best for you ✊
Exactly. I’m not happy o slam the door, I sit in a room and take time before I slam the door. So far, I’ve closed a lot of doors. Just got my mental health, just to get my glow back. And the funny thing is, they never ask how we are? They dismissed us. All the time! I’m tired mentally, I’m done being there for people.?
It's never easy to slam the door, but your health is the priority 🙏
Thanks again ❤ Jon how precisely you explain everything about us. I especially like the part in your video where you mention that other people say we are overreacting, that happened a lot to me when I was younger.
Have things gotten better for you over time?
@ yes, a lot...now that I'm older they actually say "maybe she is right" 😊
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, I'm the first to admit it. I had an abusive childhood which often caused me to take out my frustrations on others in my teens and 20's. I KNEW and WANTED to make a change in myself and began working toward those ends in my early 20's. I soon realized however that my past actions/history with those closest to me created obstacles to the changes I wanted to make in myself. I was trying to re-invent myself to be a better version of myself but often found that those closest to me never seemed to want to let me forget the past. Totally understandable. My own family members (brother, father and mother especially) could never seem to understand what I was trying to do and always reverted to treating me like that foolish and somewhat arrogant young INTJ of the past. My closest friends, as much as I love them, also had trouble letting go of certain instilled behavior patterns. In 2002 (I was 35) I made a choice and moved 3,000 miles away from everything I knew to a place where I didn't really know a single soul. I left pretty much everything and everyone behind. What I understand most now is that I wasn't slamming the door on them, so much as I was slamming it on the person I used to be. Now I am in my late 50's and though there are bittersweet memories, I have no real regrets. My relationships of the past are still there, but not nearly as close knit as they once were. It's as if my friends and family don't really recognize or know who I am anymore, but then perhaps they never really knew me. I can't put all the blame on them, I am equally responsible. Some of my past mistakes were repeated in my new home. It's hard to change old behavioral patterns. But few have been able to get close enough for it to matter much. They come and go it seems, so quickly. I cherish every light that has come into my life, no matter how briefly and simply accept what is. And even though I am most often alone, I'm pretty ok with it. I am after all, 93% introverted. 🙂
I had a friend recently whom I've known since our teenage years say "You dont like x,y,z" even when I told her that I've been interested in those topics for years. They choose to hear what they want to hear and create their own version of us and I learned that I just have to accept it. I moved away for a bit as well and I undesrtand how freeing it feels but also difficult accepting that old habits are hard to break. We're alone, but no lonely ✊
Thank you for for creating this video. I hadn’t heard of this door slam concept before but I did it recently. It described my internal processes perfectly. I’ve only done it (door slam) two times in a 25 year time period, so when the situation arose this time I reflected a lot about both situations. It was very sad to be in a similar situation again. But I knew what needed to be done. The relationship had already ended regardless of whether I did anything. It was inevitably headed on the path of destruction. It would never be the same or be restored. Nothing could be reconciled. You explained it so much better than I could.
I hope you're in a better place ❤
thank you for speaking on behalf of intjs on this coping mechanism. indeed, doorslamming is not easy for anyone, whether on the receiving end or the delivering end. to pretty much summarise Jon's video, if an intj ever doorslams you, please know that:
1. the decision was not made lightly and that, like with nearly every action the we make in the real world, it's a last resort that took a lot of deliberation ("nearly" because we do act spontaneously on impulse...once in a blue moon when we turn on Se)
2. it's not permanent; no solution is ever permanent and it can be undone, but don't expect the intj to make the first move of reaching out yet another olive branch for one more time, especially once we're done expending energy repeating ourselves and trusting you with our Fi (we're willing to forgive only if you work to earn our trust - we generally don't give out trust for free)
3. if the intj accepts your apology, please be patient and understand that it can take ten times more effort to gain back the trust (paranoia is no joke, particularly when we have enough Se data for our Ni to keep seeing the same depressing result that finally led us to doorslam to begin with)
Thank you, the context you provided is helpful and something I should've made clear in the video 🙂
I think the rest of them don't talk about the emotional turmoil because 1) They don't even register it and 2) Fe, man.
1) We're not visually expressive. You're right that we're usually pretty easy going because of Fi. But our face and behaviors don't register it for them. We're the bad boys and girls they really want to impress, or so it seems most of the time. They don't seem to realize that they don't actually need to perform for us all the time. Or that we're probably not what they think we are.
And then there's the times we stop being easy going. I've seen it said about INFPs and ISFPs that they're easy going except for this ONE THING that they really passionately believe in, and they're going to turn into chihuahuas ripping your face off over it. And I guess people are just not extrapolating that Fi out to other Fi users. It's why we can have a good thing going with IXFPs because we get it, and if we can get our values to align, we're golden.
But yeah, the IXFPs show all the emotion that they feel about things. And INTJs and ISTJs don't. And so people think we're robots.
2) Fe users are very good at having lots of surface level attachments (especially if they're extroverts). And it's one of the things that makes me view Fe users (particularly extroverts) with a level of suspicion when it comes to trying to make friends. Because it doesn't feel real. I'd rather keep them in my acquaintance circle rather than my friendship circle, let alone my inner circle. Because it feels like they're fair weather friends who will drop you if the going gets tough. If an acquaintance drops me, that's fine. We weren't that close, and just had a few pleasant times together. I wish them well because it was all surface. If a friend drops me, it hurts and is personal. Because that relationship had depth.
Fe people have very different definitions of "friends" than Fi people. So when it comes to evaluating friendships, they treat their friends more like acquaintances, or so it feels to me. They may spend more time to them, open more of their hearts to each other, but in the end, that's the kind of value they seem to attach to a lot of their friendships. And so when they try to relate to us, they use their values and extrapolate them onto our friendships, and it just doesn't work.
Fe has the breadth of an ocean and the depth of a puddle. Fi has the breadth of a kiddie pool, but the depth of an ocean.
As for you specifically, that seems like a lot of door slams. But you've also given the impression of having a lot more friends than most introverts have, so perhaps part of your issue is that you are letting in a lot of people, and that's just a lot more turmoil in general. And maybe even going a little bit against your nature.
I don't say this to discourage you at all. It can take great strength to go out and make that many friends and be emotionally available to that many people. We're all different. This is the way you choose to live your life, and I don't see anything wrong with it.
There's just this downside that the more people you know, the more relationships are going to go wrong. And the more people you know the more you're going to end up with friends who turn out to have only a surface relationship to you because they weren't capable of evaluating the depth. Like the last example you give where your friend would get upset with you for standing up for what you believed to be right. That seems like a serious disconnect on values where not only do you not agree on values, but your friend is directly opposed to you on a core value. I'm suspecting that the reason you didn't screen the person out earlier is that you open yourself up to many relationships with lots of different people.
Anyway, as for the pain, I usually deal with it by telling myself it was a good and valuable relationship up to that point. That I shouldn't blame myself for the past. And that since I don't believe in controlling people, the only thing to do is accept the person is who they say they are now, and treat them accordingly.
Do I think about the people I've cut out of my life? Yes. I probably will for the rest of my life. I miss them. I miss the relationship. I can get nostalgic. But at the end of my nostalgia trip, I always remind myself of why it was over, and that it being over was the right thing.
I'm okay with people having different values than I do because I've seen enough of the world to accept that reality is different for everyone. The issue is when their values are in the way of basic human rights and they become forceful with others. You are allowed your own opinion but you've cross the line when you devalue someone else's opinion and start becoming violent whether physically or emotionally.
@@justcallmejon22 I don't disagree with you at all. And as I said, we're all different, and knowing lots of different people can be a good thing.
I just think a lot of Fi introverts would have screened out someone whose values were that incompatible much earlier and left them in the acquaintance circle if they wanted to keep the relationship at all. Getting attached to people who are bound to disappoint us hurts. Not everyone wants to risk themselves to be a positive influence.
@@Itsmesmileyface I'm not sure I want to go so far as to say they lack depth of feeling. Fe is something I've struggled to understand simply because so many people seem to live like that and I never could. So saying they don't have deep feelings seems unfair.
Maybe just that it's not a prerequisite to being their friend. So they'll call you a friend, but you can't be sure if they really mean it the way you would mean it as an Fi person.
6:20, I’ve never experienced that before but I think I would be uncomfortable too
6:29, that’s admirable and very brave of you, it’s good you stand up for what you believe! ✊✊✊
If a stranger crosses my boundaries, I’ll get a little bothered and then rub it off really quickly. But if someone I trust cross my boundaries, I’ll get very hurt because it’s hard for me to trust people and that person is very lucky that I trust them and now it’s broken :(
Like if the person mean a lot
That broken feeling is devastating. Betrayal by definition, only comes from people we trust 😢
Success for Breakfast has a great INTJ Doorslam video. Not saying it doesnt hurt but still its needed to save our time and energy. Thanks for offering a softer side of it.
Ive been watching you for a while, and ive stumbled upn video saying intjs never sound dumb in conversations, or that they are self confident. I unfortunately dont see myself in that light. Sad part is that ive been trying to type myself for over a year now and intj seems to be my best bet, expecially when i was introduced to cognitive functions. I first tought that i was intp, but i just never clicked with that personality type, i certainly dont have Fe as my child funcrion or Ne as my dominant one. I also loved your video on intj love story of cognitive functions and found myself relating to it. But with all that Ni "glazing" to say, i dont think im intj anymore, yes when i enter subject im interested in i go full in and yes i know how to wigle around stuff i dont know to look smart but it doesnt work as you said in earlier videos. Also seen a video of you saying that all intjs are optimistic nillists and i just dont find myself being one. Ive noticed that i just dont find you talking about weaknesses as much as strenghts
I've been considering making a video on INTJ weaknesses but I've built my channel on uplifting the community instead of putting INTJs or any other types down. Those videos are out there, usually made by other types and their opinions on INTJs. I know I'm an INTJ because of how strong Te is. Mama Te is always around the corner in everything that I do. I'm aware that I made a few Fi-related videos recently that won't resonate with everyone. Whatever type you end up being, remember that MBTI is just a tool and shouldn't be your identity ✊ (Thank you for all the support and don't forget to continue to grow!)
@justcallmejon22 thanks for replying to all of our comments as well as making videos, mad respect ✊
MBTI has been an interest of mine for quite some time. While exploring videos on the subject, I came across your channel and this particular video. It sparked some thoughts, especially about how people use MBTI to justify or define their behaviors-something I find worth discussing.
MBTI has always been intended as a starting point, not a definitive diagnostic tool. Yet, I’ve noticed a growing tendency for individuals to lean on their MBTI type as a justification for their actions, often without critically examining their behaviors. This approach can have unintended pitfalls, particularly when it discourages personal accountability.
For example, someone might say, “I’m an introvert, so I’m not good at communicating,” and use this as an excuse rather than working to improve their communication skills. This mindset can hinder personal growth and create a sense of fatalism, where individuals feel trapped by their type instead of empowered to grow beyond it.
Some might argue that using MBTI in this way is an empowering method of protecting one’s mental and emotional well-being. However, when such behavior is justified through MBTI, it can perpetuate emotional detachment and avoidance. For instance, the “doorslam” phenomenon-where someone cuts off a relationship entirely-often reflects a rigid interpretation of MBTI. Individuals may assume that such actions align with their type, reinforcing pre-existing beliefs and making it harder to consider alternative perspectives or solutions.
This selective interpretation can have a significant impact, particularly in relationships. Relying on MBTI to make decisions in these contexts often overlooks the emotional intricacies involved. It can prevent individuals from addressing underlying conflicts constructively. Thinkers, for example, who might already struggle with emotional processing, could use MBTI as a rationale for avoiding difficult conversations. This not only strains their relationships but also limits their ability to develop emotional intelligence and healthier ways of navigating interpersonal challenges.
Ultimately, while MBTI has its appeal, it’s important to approach it with a critical eye. Its value lies in encouraging self-reflection, improving communication, and fostering empathy. However, it should not be used as a rigid framework or a justification for decisions that require deeper emotional and contextual consideration. Human beings are far too complex to be reduced to 16 categories. We owe it to ourselves and to others to embrace that complexity and approach MBTI as a tool for growth, not a limitation. Sorry this was a long post.
The INTJs in my life suffer at the hands of any fallings-out, whether they are the door slammers or the ones being door slammed. I definitely see how much courage it takes them to trust another person with their unfiltered selves and how tough it is for them to deal with the feelings when something goes wrong. Whether they wanted to admit it or not, I could see there was a lot of feeling involved and I felt for them massively.
I appreciate you taking the time to notice how difficult it is for your INTJs. What MBTI type are you?
@@justcallmejon22 INFP!
I'm also an INTJ and don't Doorslam: I think because I'm Christian, and a Doorslam is, essentially saying _"I give up on person X, not even desiring reconciliation"_ - It's a terrible point to be, and the closest I ever got was with my dad who (admittedly trying to bid for connection) proffered a hypothetical essentially insinuating only-emotional irrevocable life-changing decision-making on my part: I'm probably the least so of all my siblings, and the whole proposition was utterly insulting because it revealed not only that my dad doesn't know me, but doesn't really want to [and never will]… it was _that_ hurt that made me want to Doorslam.
And *WOW!* you are the _first_ person who has said that we INTJs would love reconciliation, all we really want is accountability and honest apology. - You mentioned "promising it won't happen again", and I agree, though I think you and I would both be willing to accept (for all but the non-negotiable/core-value) a _"I can't promise I won't slip up, but I'll try"_ apology, if it were honest. (As you said, INTJs _are_ easygoing to those in their inner circle.)
I will accept any apology that sounds sincere. Someone once tried using an Fe apology that was so basic that it made me more upset 🙃
Wow I didn’t even know that there was a term for this! Just within the past 2 years, I’ve done it three times because of violations of trust. I wish it wasn’t my default reaction to conflict but I feel like once I analyze the relationship enough to believe that the energy spent outweighs the enjoyment, there’s almost no changing my mind. It’s like the will to continue pursuing the relationship completely shatters and it hurts.
Are you in a better place now?
Drastic situations call for drastic measures I had a person call me an idiot and I can't be myself when my every word is constantly scrutinized so I had to say I'm done with this so I severed ties . I feel a sense of relief and that tells me that I made the right choice I have been tolerant for a while everyone has their breaking point I had mine .
If their absence gives you peace, then they weren't good for you 💯
Getting to the point where one has to doorslam another, completely erasing them from their framework of existence is quite painful... I applaud you for sharing your emotions and experience, it's never an easy task :) Haven't met many INTJs in the real world, but from what I saw... One can sense a kind of warmth when it comes to dealing with difficult situations... Quite interesting. As for me, as an INFJ... I think it's that we have a bigger capacity for tolerance, that when completely used up... It's hard to go back. And if the relationship were to be established it's almost never like before. The whole concept is quite agonizing :') Though we never get to know our blindspots without dealing with certain kinds of people. Pain is a necessary path for growth. Best of wishes to us all in our life journeys :)
Best wishes to you as well 🙏
The part where you mentioned the grieving process… I understand it, I nicknamed it “sitting shiva”.
I just looked up what that meant, ❤
I'm ENTP, and I once had an INTJ friend who doorslamed me...the last sentence kind of hurt, because that's what happened between us - she's better or without me, wether it's just a thought, or an actual truth....
It's never too late to make things right. Provide a sincere apology and listen when they explain how you hurt them and accept that it happened. The beauty of an INTJ is that we're forward focused so it means the world to us if the other person shows that they're willing to improve. Good luck and I'm sure your INTJ has been waiting for you to reach out ❤
Sending hugs.
🤗
4:08
I doorslammed many people so many times because I used to be quite immature and carried some kind of depressed-sad-traumatic energy since I was a kid-maybe because my parent or ancestors had trauma, so I was born like this. I was confused about many things, about myself, and about what I really wanted in life. This made me doorslam or leave a lot of people for no apparent reason (to them).
But now, I have found myself and what I really want in life, so I think I can be more open to others. However, my close circle will still consist of people who share my Fi values, cause if you are religious, you automatically have more detailed and strict values than non-religious folks. For example, even in talking, there are many rules: you must not be rude, your tone of voice must be gentle and use only good words, you must not belittle others or use a harsh tone, and towards men, if u are woman you must not be too friendly unless they are your family, etc.
Maybe for Fe users, Fi values feel very limiting. However, Fi helps you more with screening important people and focusing on something more meaningful for your life and mental health. Sometimes, I see some Fe users who don't have strong Fi values making trouble for themselves because they don't have clear principles or boundaries, so other people often violate their boundaries because they keep trying to please others and open up to so many people
I'm happy to hear that you have a circle that shares the same value as you do . It really is a blessing 🙂
You use tarot cards?! 😃
(I feel you. Introverted Fi people do not have a wide social net, so every person in our life matters deeply. The loss squeezes the heart, and it makes you question everything you thought you knew about human judgment of character...even though you know it's the lesser of two evils in the long run to just cut it loose. I relate very much to the constant vocalization of boundaries that get stepped over; the fact that the boundary was so explicitly expressed means the evidence is undeniable that the violation was conscious, even if you want to believe with your whole soul that the person just "made a mistake.")
We tend to give the other person the benefit-of-the-doubt until it becomes a pattern. I always dread the moment I notice the pattern 😢
Oh yeah, very accurate. The people most common in my dreams are people I've doorslammed a long time ago. And for some I wait to open the door, but they refuse to apologise directly, though they expressed guilt through third parties.
I hope they take accountibility and apologize one day ❤
100% agree. It is also never something I brag about or volunteer in conversation (that I door slammed someone). It's almost like I'm not proud of slamming it because it shows a fault in ME, having trusted this person & failed.
Agreed 💯
I can think of a doorslam story or two myself that I'm not very proud of. They were toward people who didn't deserve it, and it only happened because at the time I was unhealthy and volatile. I already know I fucked up, but I still think about these people every day and hope they're doing well, enjoying life. All the doorslams I've done that I'm not proud of came during a time I was unhealthy. All the other ones I know it was the right decision.
I rarely use the doorslam technique but when I do it's almost certainly final. The other thing is I will allow my associates and friends to poke fun at me and I will often do it myself but that's only possible as long as I know they don't do it out of malice. If I see somebody crossing that line I will go for the throat. Fortunately I don't have to do that often either.
Sometimes I wish I had less self-restraint so that I can 'go for the throat' but I've learned that I usually regret it afterwards. Decades later and I'm still mad at myself for what I said at 9 years old 😢
@@justcallmejon22 That's not a method for everyone and I unfortunately had the rotten luck of having to interact with people who wouldn't stop their crap when they were asked to do so.
Besides that I might have used wrong description as English is not my native language. To be more precise what I mean by going for the throat in this case is that I become volatile and I will use all the verbal ammo on the target that I have. And most of the time by the moment I start my verbal assault the target has provided me with a lot of ammo.
Last but not least having more compassion and self-restraint than me says a lot of good about you. I try to avoid this very bad trait of mine but sometimes I just have to because otherwise the person might never learn not to cross the boundaries.
Thanks for the content. Hey I also saw there is a Tarot behind you and I don't know if it's yours, but I am deeply interested in the topic of INTJ and spirituality, esoterism and beliefs. Because INTJs are usually rational people, but I guess your Ni must give you intuitions and insights that may connect you with the subtle parts of existence 😊 ENFP
A video on spirutuality is a work in progress 🙂
I am here for the door slam! Sorry, not sorry people waste my energy up and that belongs to me!
Oddly enough, I do it but I'm still against it because it goes against my personal value of loyalty 🙃
I think the INTJ way is the "wrong" way to approaching friendships and relationships. Like everything relating to social skills it would be beneficial to learn better ways to cope with those negative patterns. In a sense, we ARE overreacting because when it comes to emotions and trust we definitely are not in the norm. I see so many "friendships" and "relationships" where they're being maintained not because they respect their boundaries or each other, but because to them it's preferable to ending up alone.
Nowadays though, relationships and friendships seem more superficial so it's better to "doorslam" than to tolerate someone that brings you paranoia and anxiety especially if the betrayal cut deep enough. I foster my very few deep relationships as best as I can knowing the weakness of my personality.
Then again, maybe it's an INTJ/introvert aspect that we have a high tolerance for being alone and might even prefer it at times.
I see where you're coming from and I agree to an extent. I have plenty of friends and family that annoy me constantly but I love them and still hold them dearly. A prerequisite for the doorslam is the intent to overstep a boundary. Someone else's joy shouldn't come at the expense of my happiness.
Yea, key words were "defense mechanism". This all sounds really dramatic, but it's really not. I dont want to see anyone, especially the erased person me dealing with the aftermath. I'm pretty sure a lot of us have tried dealing with it differently back in childhood/adolescence but it didnt work very well.
I have door slammed 4 people total in my life. Each one was only done after years of me trying to make it work but the other person continues to be either abusive, emotionally disruptive, or disrespectful.
It's never easy but I hope you're in a better place now ✊
@@justcallmejon22 I definitely feel like I've made the right decision. It allowed space for me to heal.
ENFJ here ik im Fe dom but like i get Fi users cuz i grew up with them ngl it took alot of research cuz Fi users are just unpredictable while Fe are pretty predictable in my opinion atleast so ya i just wanted to thank u for making me understand the actual doorslam cuz like many so called INTJs are making things up expecially regarding doorslam at some point i was thinking whether its true or not but now ik its not cuz they were fake INTJs or unhealthy ones ig thanks for making this video means alot❤ Crazy fact: i also use the doorslam technique i think it is a NJ thing maybe idk i might be wrong but ya i use doorslam on ppl who just crossed the last line i made like i give them a thousand chances but when they cross the very line i didnt want them to cross they are out idk know them anymore or need them in my life ill probably be traumatised for months lol but ill move on.. i used doorslam on my cousin cuz she crossed a line i never thought she'd cross and after a few weeks she apologised a 1000 times so i forgave her and we are good now she is an ISFJ btw.
I'm happy to hear that your cousin apologized and that you're both good now. It takes a lot for someone to admit fault but I'm sure you've made her introspect and become a healthier person ✊
I think both Fe and Fi can be predictable, but Fe is more predictable because Fe is societal norms & Fe seeks to please others. But Fi can also be predictable if Fi users choose to submit themselves to a consistent philosophy or religion
Fi is a highly individualistic function, so one Fi user and another can be very different. Therefore, Fi can be both predictable and unpredictable at the same time-it all depends on the individual. Fi user 1 might be unpredictable, while Fi user 2 could be predictable. Moreover, if they become religious teachers, they need to be predictable, Fi users usually love this field cus it's about spiritual feelings & morality, something that cannot be obtained through Te/Ti materialism
I also think sometimes Fi can be more predictable than Fe cause Fe users can easily change their faces/demeanors depending on the person they're interacting with, while Fi user face tend to remain the same cause Fi always stay true to the authentic self
If you expressed you were upset with a careless person being a jerk, and they doubled down on being a jerk in some defensive complex because “their freedom to make you uncomfortable meant more to them than the goal of being a good person and trying to understand,” then a serious doorslam is necessary at some point no matter their personality type (ENFP here). Everyone should be able to trust their friends to respect them, when it’s so hard to get close to people to begin with. I’m sorry some people weren’t mature enough to value that when you thought they would, it’s hella disappointing on a lot of levels sometimes. It’s honorable to forgive if someone does the adequate reflection, but that’s like starting from -50 instead of zero as well… ah, drama, life, and growth. I guess it’s the spirit of the season. Let us know when the spirits appear and what the future holds 😅.
Happier Holidays!
One of the difficult part of doorslamming that I didn't mention in the video is that it goes against our belief of loyalty. IxTJs are almost loyal to a fault, but INTJs tend to be more vocal when change is required. Friends and family will constantly make mistakes and I agree that it really just comes down to intent, whether they're being a jerk on purpose.
Happy Holidays to you as well! 🎊
INTJ here, nope I don't feel bad about Door slams nor am I proud about it, just feel nothing about it, I do it for efficiency, my Ni don't see a sustainable relationship with the person and I try to cut them off being lean so I can be agile (all for efficiency)
6:15
That's the thing.
A lot of people don't make friends for appearance sake. Many of us have a "let me explain" friend that we accept regardless.
So, if WE determine you can't hang anymore, it is because you are too harmful to the system we are trying to build.
I basically had a brother-like friend that became an N-word spouting 4-channer.
My Fi made me keep him longer than I should have, and even lost credibility from the Fe tribe over it.
The final straw was when I became a father, and decided I wouldnt want my kid to follow my example.
I went through something similar. I defended my friend against the Fe tribe and still got taken advantage of by the friend I was defending. I'm glad you made a change for the sake of your children, they'll be better off because of your decision ✊
Had to do this with my only sister. I'm sure she feels justified in her betrayal of me. I don't need people like that in my life any more.
I understand. I've had to hold my silbings accountible for their actions plenty of times throughout my life. It's never fun but it's necessary. I hope you two rekindle things one day ✊
@@justcallmejon22 Can't happen. She didn't do anything wrong from her perspective. Once you lose trust in a person really close to you, you can't claw it back.
You have to mess up bad to get a door slam... it is a death, you betrayed our trust and its gone past unforgivable... we mourn because you forced us to erase you permanently and also angered because we doubt our own ability to not see it coming...
Exactly😊
I had to make this recently, it's the most painful thing and looks like a part of myself have died.
I hope you're in a better place now and that things work out for the best ❤
Hey, I'm new to your channel. I would really like to have some discussions with you or maybe private talk with you on some app , I do have many questions. Im dating an intj male and it has been very hard for me , we are long distance and i don't really know how to act or deal with him sometimes. Can I ask some questions to you in private, i really need answers.
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a tough time with your partner but I am in no way the properly channel for emotional resolution since I can't even maintain a relationship myself. I hope you find what you need and that everything works out for you ❤
I’m of the opinion that ALL types can do the doorslam; but the Fi users are more known for it because they do it with a higher frequency. I think fe users can do a doorslam but …. Ours is more like throwing a person out of your home, cursing them out, roasting their actions and character down to the bone and THEN slamming the door. But you have to push us sooooo far in order to get a PROPER doorslam from a Fe user. And believe me, an apology will get you NOWHERE after an Fe doorslam. They’re also likely to be somewhat hostile or mistrustful of people who still associate with the doorslam receiver, after the fact. Because Fe users have more communal feelings versus individual feelings.
It sounds like there are sides that needed to be taken after an Fe doorslam. Does that mean that relationships will sour if a person doesn't choose a side?
Hmmm, as an ENTP, i kind of want to offer a different perspective. First and foremost, i have had 5 major Te users in my life. Allegedly, i believe i had two ENTJ's, one ESTJ, one ISFJ and one ESFP. Esfp sis, Isfj ex, and Entj dad and the two others are my friends. I am also in the works of reworking mbti but i digress.
Currently i broke off all contact with my dad, ex, and sister. I maintain a good relationship with my two friends (as well as my mum Ti).
First i want to stress that an ENTP does not have a strong sense of identity and feeling. Second, the 3 perpetrators had all one thing in common. In my eyes, their Fi clashed with my Ti. Your values can be in conflict with logic. For example, i would argue that religion is a form of mass manipulation and a conspiracy theory. Facts. Now this makes me less integrated with religious folks you can imagine, but what if you value drinking (ENTJ). What if you value partying (ESFP). What if you value being called pretty but also please tell me the truth and i will never accept anything but you telling me i am the most beautiful person in the world and never look to another woman pronto (ISTJ). I mean, all of these have a thing, where their values in some form clash with consistency and symmetry. They are not profitable. Your values have an opportunity cost, and i don't think you guys realise enough the cost function of your values opportunity. OH I LOVE THAT DRESS - wtf it costs 300- BUT I LOVE IT. Any value that is not strictly necessary, like food, safety and security, shelter is even a stretch, will be taken as an unnecessary expense to the observer (Fe user).
Third, what if you value yourself [put!n]. What if you value winning [trump]. What if you devalue the jewish ethnicity [h!tler]. What if you value global domination [all 3]
I feel that Te value accountability, but they do not take accountability themselves seriously enough. Especially when they are 'drunk, sad, angry, tired'. Any toxic excuse, especially intoxication, that causes them to make a very unjustified distinction in their character. Well life is tough and take responsibility for especially you at your worst. Then heck they try to overthrow the korean government because "i'm afraid", while they caused that position in the first place. Well man up.
I could go in much more detailed, wrote a long piece but my thoughts were too scattered, more than usual.
Note, key words are coping mechanisms, and insecurity. I can't argue too much against Ti users, because their intoxications are usually self-destructive, but the outwards reach of Te causes the petty of the Fi user to become everyone's problem. I don't mind you being drunk, but I do mind you pulling me by my hair out of my bed. "BuT yOu DiD nOt HaNg Up YoUr ToWeL" [in other words i did not respect his values enough to remember]. But you are drunk, I am 12, I am forgetful, but this I will remember.
You not taking enough responsibility with your Fi will be questionable at best, and straight up enraging at worst to the Fe user.
@@Itsmesmileyface I think you are somewhat weakly correct, but not really. I think you are overestimating it, and i don't know if you are correct which tells me enough. The only person in my life who is not atheist is my mother - ESTP. I think it is more useful to ask yourself how they are speaking. Ti users are more utilitarian. They would value i believe in xyz because xyz gives me a sense of values, justice, and security. It is very content based. Religion exists in the subject. The me. In Te, it exists in the object. They rather look at the first and second testament. Look at the records and they claim how it helps them to justify their very existence and the world around them etc. It is slightly different. Additionally, jung said it very clearly, until you look at the shadow right into the eye, which he did not as far as i am aware define clearly enough, you will look at your shadow and call it fate. What you call fate, and what my mum calls fate, has reasons.
My two ENTJ's, ISTJ, ESTJ and ESFP are all atheists.
I get what you're saying because I've experienced it myself from other people and have realized that sometimes my Fi is unreasonable or lacks logic. What I want to note is that Fi doesn't have to follow logic and that it doesn't have to make sense to anyone besides ourselves. It's similar to when I question a Ti user has their own framework about something. I'm not going to tell an ESTP that intermitten fasting is dumb and make fun of them if they're using it to better themselves. I'm not going to tell an ENTP that they're dumb listening to white/brown noise to sleep because science say it helps when all it does is annoy me when I try it. The examples your provided are extremes and I provided two examples that are relatable to any person who isn't a genocidal maniac. The point is that I clearly drew a line on the sand letting these people not to step over it and they did. If you think it's unreasonable, you're free to leave but don't act confused when you step over it and wonder why this person is upset at you.
@@justcallmejon22 About your examples, it is completely reasonable to draw a line btw. Wrote the thing at like minute 3 in the video. I can imagine many many Ti users traumatised and behave insufficiently, and likewise Ti can just be plain wrong. I would be very skeptical to adopt someone else's Ti as a Ti user myself. Ti can also be very egoistic, I think Trump is an ESTP, which is contrarian to the Te dominated Capital Hill. People say ENTP's are great with politics bullsheisse. I am just suggesting Te can be very shitty as well if not cared for enough.
There is always a good test if you can be friends with a Ti user. The default of a Ti user from a Ti perspective is I don't know. It is the implication of a subjective point of view. Inability to value the object or objective. People call this in part autism. In part because autism is a fremmdelingsbestimung and a combination of random arbitration, just look at the definition, it is ridiculous. INTP and ENTP's build structures from the ground up, theories so they can function. It takes grave time and effort to build these structures. You might be inclined to convince them, but they can only convince themselves. Trust me, many have tried. Will you accept an I don't know for an answer? If not, what do you do. Will you pressure them to make them know, while they frankly don't care that much about your values. I mean, values are so unrelatable to begin with. They value it, but they probably outsource them to you. How do you engage Fe. What is Fe really, because there are still many things unexplained about Fe. People say it is empathy, but that is insufficient. If Te adopts and adapts, what is empathy? I think it is the least understood function about MBTI, because people argue it is opposite to logic, but I would argue logic also exists in the Fe. If you cheated on me somehow, I will feel pretty terrible. Is that illogical? Many things are still unanswered.
My own dad is who I slammed the door on .. he’s my biggest hater actin as my biggest supporter smh
I did that to my father once. MBTI helped me understand him better and he accepted my olive branch to improve the relationship.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
👋
I theorize people who are proud of door-slamming are either narcissistic and derive pleasure from others’ pain, or they were proud of themselves for upholding boundaries under difficult circumstances and anguish.
There is no in between. lol
Ooh! Maybe it’s also to preemptively ward off potential abusers. Oh yes, I do that one. It’s a sort of insecure safety measure that probably actually backfires. Let ‘em know I’m not afraid to kick them out of my life, so pls don’t hurt me ‘kay? :S
I'm not sure why people take pleasure in the doorslam but I know it's one of the worst feeling for me 😢
Honestly, it's not doorslam for INTJs.
It just seems like it because people don't listen even if they communicate their needs or feelings until they stopped talking and became distant from them.
It's the nuances that makes it INTJ as I'm not sure how other types handle doorslams. INTJs are problem solvers and have a high tolerance for annoyance. I'd put money that most INTJs that doorslam has only done it because they felt like they've exhausted every option and this was the only way to maintain their peace.
I just don't want to waste MY time, If we(by we I mean anyone) don't have time to enjoy the time we are together, then I'm done, I don't want to "fix", I don't want to wait for people to change, and most likely I wont change because of anyone else.
Hmm I don’t necessarily agree that the doorslam is reversible and the statement of “just apologise” is simplifying it too much. It is a difficult position for the INTJ that an apology does not have enough weight behind it.
Using your example. If a friend that you’ve repeatedly asked them not to do a thing and they repeatedly and consciously (using your words) gone against it. Does an apology really change anything? We’ve gone through a roller coaster before we decided the doorslam, we are not opening that door unless we know 100% it will remain open. “Fool me twice, shame on me”.
Something else - I think you’re a bit of an atypical INTJ. Most INTJ do not have the amount of friends you have. And because of that, your Fe is likely trained to a higher level than the typical INTJ. Hence I’m wondering if you are more inflienced by Fe than a typical INTJ when it comes to undoorslamming.
If a person is part of my Fi, they have a road back if they accept responsibility for their actions and promise to change. How can I consider myself a good person if I don't allow people to change especially if they took the initiative to reach out for forgiveness?
Could an INTJ really be Batman?? 1) Seems unlikely to want to live that spoiled-playboy life (even for show). 2) The costume looks excessive and uncomfortable. 3) Seems terribly unproductive to spend nights fighting petty criminals when the opportunity cost of your time is expensive. 4) An eye for an eye seems way more deserving for the real scum of Gotham.
Is Batman just the best INTJ’s have? Seems like the real INTJ superhero would be invisible and anonymous. Like the person that invented the wheel. Or, like the alien overlords that live in the center of the earth and allow humans to pretend free will.
Asian brothers and sisters, stop using the N-word!
💯
@@justcallmejon22 whites too!
So many fake INTJ out there. I havent seen this doorslam in any of my intjs friends.