Well-known divorce lawyer here. Just my two cents: I would love to see a mandatory course on detecting a covert narcissist BEFORE people were allowed to get married. I would see far fewer divorce and child custody clients, but I could pivot to practice another area of law and so many empath’s would not have their lives destroyed.
thank you I am a victim but my child is the biggest victim!! HE has used the law to gain to take everything I had to hide his daughter from her mom for over a decade.Custodial kidnapping state of SC where is the protection of the child's best intrest? how does this occur in a court of law.?? thank you so much for this realization! you are aware something I have become! priceless
Yeah for the covert Narc does not come with warning labels in the beginning. I think Narcs need Tattoos. One forsure on the forehead that reads, " I inflict emotional pain that settles in your Bones. "Do you feel lucky? Lol!
Yep!! Refreshing to see someone acknowledging the need in the legal system. ruclips.net/user/RebeccaZungEsq. Attorney Rebecca Zung is on the same page with you. www.naplesfamilylawfirm.com/attorneys/rebecca-zung/
I sacrifised so much of my own integrity, time, money, interests, belongings and sanity for my ex, in order to please his disapproving attitude. Every single symptom of a covert narc mentioned in the video fits with my ex. I fell for him because I thought he was kind, shy and sensitive. He turned out to be the most calculated, manipulative, malignant and pathological person I’ve ever come across. When his mask started to slip and the devaluation began I was about to lose my mind over the confusion. One year now since I moved out unexpected hoovering attempts were made towards me. 2 months of no contact now and I’m still suffering from cognitive dissonance occationally and reexperiencing traumas and triggers. I loved him beyond imaginable and thought he was my true love.
Hi Svala. Here is a video I think may help you, too. Keep your NC going, Dear Lady! It will keep you safe and then you can slowly and with tender loving care begin taking baby steps toward your healing. Love and blessings to you. xoxox. ruclips.net/video/bI3RI61_30M/видео.html
Svala Magnea K. Ásdísardóttir One thing you must always remember is that you weren't in love with "him" you were in love with the illusion..Something that he thought out, planned and executed to deliberately harm and abuse you. That nice quiet, shy guy persona wasn't real..when his mask slipped, that is who he really is. A sick monster in disguise..They all are. It took me a very long time to understand the whole narc abuse cycle. I suggest you read up on the subject as much as you can..and watch a lot of videos too..There is so much information to read up on and learn by. Narcs wont have a chance in the future because the public is and will be more educated about this sick twisted mental illness called narcissism..We have the know how to spot one, defend ourselves against them and learn from literature online. I think I have watched at least 250 videos on RUclips. I lost count but close to, if not more than 250. I read a lot of articles on line too and had one dear friend that I confided in. She was a Godsend to me through my darkest hours. All of those things helped me a lot, helped me to heal and sort out my thoughts and feelings while trying to function day to day. There are better days ahead for you as well. Good luck to you.
Lisa I can totally identify with what you said to Svala, about loving an illusion. I’ve come to the same conclusion about myself. I loved my husband with everything in me, but I have finally realised that the man I loved never really existed. I tend to see the best in people, and perhaps the illusion was a combination of wishful thinking on my part, and deliberate deception on his part. He certainly deceived me into marrying him, because he only told me after he decided that he didn’t love me anymore that he never meant what he said during our marriage vows. According to him, they’re just words you say, but nobody actually means them! He knows as well as I do, that if I had known that beforehand, I would never have married him!
Svala Magnea K. Ásdísardóttir Same thing here... 3(+) years & STILL sucked in... I need REAL help become it's my demise. NOT easy to simply walk away WITHOUT serious repercussions. I'm an EMPATH...
"The covert narcissist's action don't match up with their words and it's driving you insane." God damn this is so spot on! This is just so accurate. Exactly what messed with me.
I provided unconditional love, acceptance and attention to my narcissist. I lost myself (metaphorically speaking) and had to rebuild myself stronger, better, faster and I am actually better off for it. The experience was a catalyst for me to get my shit together, for me to learn how to set boundaries and become a more authentic version of myself.
Kristian Jensen That’s why the relationship with the narcissist never last .His toxic parasitic energy is only catalyst message for us to look inside and than leave him forever,
How long did it take you to rebuild yourself? It is a year now since I started suspecting he is a covert narc. It was the worse year of my life. I have a life sentence because we have a child together. I wish I could set myself free and never acknowledge his existence around me. I am in therapy regaining mySelf. Trying to forgive myself to expose myself to such a harm. I am still digesting the reality , destroying remaining illusions he helped me to believe in over 9 years!!!! Till the end I trusted he is a good , just lost person and of course I was next to him like a dog to support him when he had his breakdown (now I know it was just his panicking attack after I asked him to move out, he was petrified of not having my supply. I just didn’t know then anything about the narcs. It took me 6months to come across this term and slowly investigate what the f... happened to me. He discharged me those 6 months later, like a used piece of s... without a word. Nothing. I know I will never hear anything from this sick , toxic entity. I am focused on regaining myself. The person I always was- just forgot about her, giving my ALL attention to Mr poor and fragile). It is finally over. But still hurts. So much!!!! I am wounded , crawling , but determined to win myself back. I don’t even hate him. I wish I could. I hope you are happy, free, and in a loving relationship, full of respect, understanding, care and mutual support. Take care! And wish me good luck and strength. I need both! Any advice for me? To heal and be happy again? Anna
@@Anna-hu9we Your situation is very different from mine, so I couldn't hope to understand the pain you've gone through or even have a good idea of how to give useful advice. Only thing I can think of is to move forward one day at a time and try making each day a little better than the last. Also realize, that being treated badly in that kind of situation is never your fault. You could have done everything perfectly and been perfect but you'd still have been treated like garbage.
I always felt like there was something quite not right growing up feeling invisible ... I never had the tools that I needed to be confident in who I am Although I’m working on trying to figure out who I am because I was not allowed to be or express anything I felt because I was told that I am wrong for feeling .. Everything that you have talked about in the video I can relate to OK what’s in it married in it and now I’m trying to heal from all the trauma and just try to learn how to.Be in the moment and not be so judge mental on myself or others for being human ... I am thriving on higher education and learning everything I can to try to make a difference for myself and others around me especially my kids and grandkids ... My counselor has awakened me and has told me that I was told a bunch of lies my whole life and now I just need to unlearn them and he’ll oh I’m doing EMD are to try to get to the root of my inner child trauma .
It seems that once people find out about narcs and get away from the initial abuse they begin to see narcs everywhere and start test all their future potential mates or narcissism. I think that if the victim is not careful they can become so afraid of being with another narc that they lose the ability to fully trust other potential mates and as such cut themselves off from the love and support they need.
Hi - Timaeus, Thank you for making this comment. It's an important one as some of us do understandably overcompensate due to the fear and the pain we have experienced. We can self isolate and reject relationships and this is unhealthy too. The goal is to have a full, vibrant, wonderful experience in our lives. This resource will help to address this issue: blog.melanietoniaevans.com/conquering-the-terror-of-being-with-another-narcissist/ Love and blessings dear one xoxox
That's actually very true and I'd tell my whole story but it would be a very large novel. As I work through my healing Daily because I have 52 years to heal from, I have actually beat myself up daily a little bit less everyday though, for isolating but in my case people have died and I almost did too and still could but I do my best to stay hidden and stay on the move and believe me when I tell you they are more than wolves in sheep's clothing it's worse than that they are almost actually like Satan or demons in sweet innocent baby suits. From my entire life spent shredded and as the scapegoat, I thought I could always spot one a mile away and within minutes and I could, but I thought I knew all there was to know and I was absolutely incorrect in thinking that as last year I met the last one and I'm telling you they are evolving and it's getting worse and worse as time goes on and there's many reasons why the numbers are getting bigger and their appearance and tricks are getting stronger and their act is getting better but for now it's safer for me to isolate and I only go out for things I need and I try to always do it in the evenings. I don't particularly like it but for now I need to stay safe and stay alive because as they take everything from you that you love or care about or might get some soul support from, it's now trickled down to taking and alienating and abusing my tiny tiny sweet grandbabies and I need to stay alive to work on some things to get them out and safe. So yes, that does happen and although I know that not everyone is narcissistic, many are taking on narcissistic behaviors at a more rapid pace because of what they've learned and endured at the hands of other narcissists. The numbers or the statistics have grown rapidly over a few years. I read somewhere a few years ago that they figured thar the population of ppl was about an average of 5% being narcissistic personality disordered and abusers and I thought about that for a second when I was first learning about NPD and thought to myself "that's bullshit"!! because if that's the truth then I know every fucking one of them. So I Googled other sites that have done and posted satistics from studies and it's true the numbers are found to be growing quickly and in my own studies I can say for a certain that alcohol is the number one thing that I have found to be a very large common denominator linked to NPD. Just info is all. God bless you all stay safe. Love and light... Once again EXELLANT INFO AND VERY WELL DONE BEAUTIFUL MELANIE. THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR GIFT. XO
He was a covert narc, with some overt qualities. I lost everything to this person. My home, vehicle, ability to make money, my pet, and I almost lost my life. I have a lot of healing to do.
I'm a little worried about this now for myself. The good thing is that I will finally never subvert all of my own interests and desires to a partner again. Any future relationship will be undertaken slowly and with eyes wide open. I would rather be alone than subject myself to any more narcissist partners.
I’m becoming more and more convinced that my ex-fiancé is a covert narcissist. He was unbelievably charming, kind, giving, etc. when everything was going well, but whenever we had the slightest disagreement or I brought up any concerns about his behavior, he would have a meltdown and say things like, “I feel like you can barely stand to be around me”, and “I’m just a burden to you”, and I would inevitably have to reassure him that I didn’t hate him and that we didn’t have to break up, and thus the original problem was never resolved. I was constantly babysitting his feelings, making sure there was never any conflict, and walking on eggshells. Not to mention the lies, the changing stories, the flimsy excuses, the way he conveniently forgot important conversations or accused me of saying things I never said. Every day I have to remind myself: “I’m not crazy. This is not normal behavior. I deserve better.” And I thank God that I didn’t marry him. That I saw the warning signs before it was too late.
Same here! Exact same sentences "I don't want to be a burden to you", "You obviously hate me", "you don't need me"... He also accused me of having said and done things I've never said nor did. He even presumed several times that I've stolen things from him.. Totally paranoid. His stories changed from one minute to another or he just didn't know how/why/when something happened (narcisstic amnesia) or he just denied having said something at all. I took the pill and let him induce the idea of me being the crazy one. In the end I went to therapy and I had to struggle with anxiety issues plus a depressive episode. These persons are toxic. Run! As fast as you can.
the gut feelings became worse and worse...finally I could not stand to be in their presence. They are so very secretive and shady acting its unreal. Their electronics are fortresses. I had enough and within 2 weeks they were living with another supply. Incredible. Bizarre.
I've been with two. And had one or two as friends. But I was clueless then. Now I' super uber careful. I agree, they say anything to lure you in. Then it's the narc fest with us as the serving. I can spot them relatively quickly now.
@@2126Eliza I couldn't be intimate with him because of this exact reason. He said I must be a lesbian because he knows other women would be happy to be with him. They are welcome to the emptiness that he calls love making.
The key word that you said is supply. So yeah that is all anyone us to them is a supply. They are not worth it. Pray for their newest victim, and ask God to give you strength to leave them alone altogether.
This is one of the best videos on covert narcissists that I have watched. Good grief, the ex had all these behaviors! And he did have me convinced that all the problems in the relationship were my fault, I was looking up information on the internet, trying to figure out what was wrong with me, yikes!
Exactly. Me too! I would spend my days thinking of ways I could be more independent, less needy and paranoic, at the same time thinking I was NEVER labeled as that. While ally good friends kept reassuring me that what I was "demanding" from the narc (minimal care, attention, touch...) was completely reasonable. I broke up for various reasons 8 times (some were really cruel shit he pulled on me) but got hoovered back. They are super smart and manipulative. Real psychopaths for sure. 16 days no contact and more aware than ever. Still sufferings from what feels like drug abstinence but in control. Ugh! Devastating shit.
This feeling, that there is something very wrong, but couldn't prove really, THATS exactly what brought me here They all live a doublelife, but always have no fault Never I loved him very much, but his kind words where empty words, and he told the same words to another person at the same time, at the end, as i walked away, he blamed me, for the end of the relationship, I was the kindest most trustful person, but he said at the end, it is your fault, everything, if you hadn't said this or that, if you had been more trustful, if...if...if.. I'm realizing I loved a man, that I didn't know, a different man, but that was a mask And as you come closer to truth, the more the mask slips down, they do everything to make you the bad person I never heard an apologize from him, not even, when he slept with another woman He came back an acted as if it never happend And if i wanted to know, he gave me the silent treatment I never was so down in my life, I never felt more worthless, I died from inner pain But now, I deleted all ways that he can reach me, and im getting better This is not Love, he can't love Not even himself I feel sorry for that, but now i have to look for myself
ChriStiNaE 1 Same here. Swap the male for a female. I have a very similar story. Not aware of any cheating, but would not put it past her, knowing what I know now. Afraid to know. I have blocked all contact with her as well. This has been a rough couple of months. I feel completely lost. Nights are the toughest times. Still cannot look at another woman. Funny thing was, I knew something was wrong from the get-go and the entire time. I have learned to trust my gut now. Thank goodness I came to my senses. it only took me three years! WTH? She was as beautiful as cunning. Hang in there. I am with you.
I am guilty of displaying covert narcissistic behavior. It was so covert, I was unaware at what I was even doing. Being the son of a covert narcissistic mother that manipulated my father for my entire life, it was as if I inherited this behaviorism. When the circumstances rose, and I was in a relationship with one of the most truly genuine women I had ever come to know, I began almost innately using and abusing her. I'd done to her what my mother did to my father. And she began exposing me for the covert narcissist that I was. Although this abuse was not my intentions, or something I methodically calculated, it may as well have been. The damage was done and I caused it. Im praying she recovers from this and is able to find true love absent of fear. As well as all victims of this terrible psychological disease. I also pray that I am one day able to find the salvation I need to be a more whole person.
Me too, and I was completely unaware until I prayed for the Lord to show me the truth after realizing my marriage was about to end. I always blamed my husband (he has his share of similar issues), and would expect him to "fix" me or "complete" me. After praying and repenting, I began to see and understand everything in my family line and WHY these things happened. Turns out there are a such thing as generational curses, strongholds, soul ties, unclean spirits, etc that do effect all of us. The Lord delivered me from the Jezebel/witchcraft spirit and healed my old wounds that helped lead me down that path. Many deny the spiritual aspect of mental illness, but after your eyes are opened to the truth, the root of the problem will be obvious. I found a teachings on RUclips by Derek Prince where he explains Biblically the spiritual warfare we all are in, whether we realize it or not. What's sad is hardly any churches teach on this. But the Word of God clearly tells us who our enemy is, and how to fight him. God bless you all. 💞 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 KJV For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: [4] (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) [5] Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;
Ownership is first step I know she doesn't say it alot but like attracts like. I realized due to my past traumas I would express alot of overt narssistic behaviors as way to guard my self. When I became attached I would let my guard down that the roles would flip its not all black n white.
Jen Lyn I have wondered about whether I am also a cover narcissist, after having been married to an overt narcissist for years and then falling for a covert one, just as I thought I was starting to heal. The one true critical characteristic all narcissist have is this : LACK OF EMPATHY. And I don’t lack empathy, so even though I did take tests on the net to figure out whether I have narcissistic traits etc and scored very low, I was still so confused about how I had come to act, when in relationship with said narcissists, that I kept doubting myself. But this one question cleared it up for me. I don’t lack empathy. Quite the opposite. Maybe I have come to the point while dealing with said narcissists to have been so engrossed in my situation, trying to figure it out that I had been disconnected from myself the world and consequently other people’s pain, but normally, when not under the influence of said narcissists, I am the person who cares but gives too much. This is codependency, not narcissism. And there are inherent wounds in codependency too. It is also a mechanism for survival and validation, but it’s a whole different cup of tea. I have been in therapy for a year now, and will probably do some more. I went into therapy because of my overtly narcissistic husband (like, what am I doing with him, why do I feel so dead and depleted, something must be wrong with me) but this helped me recognize eventually the covert one too. I was fooled in the beginning, I was so thirsty to be seen and heard (totally human, totally natural, NOT narcissistic) but very soon after I felt the passive aggression and I just couldn’t excuse it for too long. Even though I had no idea what I was dealing with, I just felt that something was off. So maybe try this on for size: your narcissist partner made you doubt yourself so much and had you think that YOU are the narcissist. If you have empathy and can relate to other people’s circumstances, if you are willing to see their point of view and accept it even though it’s different from yours, if you accept the validity of other people around you who are different from you and think “ok, I don’t like how they think so I will not expect too much out of this relationship, but I don’t feel superior to them , just different, each to his own” etc then you are not a narcissist.
@@Strawberry_gal thank you ..u r the first covert narsicist Jezebel...to be honest...that i know of ...40 years i have been abused by my covert narsicist Jezebel wife..8 months awake my body & soul has been ravaged autoimmune disease bone disease and much more .....i .read restored to freedom by Nelson Schuman...and the legal rights demons have in our lives...im planning on doing a deliverance with my wife in the next week pray for her (Karen) and me ...thanks
This is an EXCELLENT video. It clears up a lot of information about the characteristics of covert narcissists. I was the full target of the covert mom / sister team. I'd always sense an uneasiness around the both of them. They are plotters & schemers who pulled me in by being kind. Then the " claws" in them came out.
This video is 100% spot on. I had a two year relationship with one. I was so confused during the devaluation and then the eventual discard broke my heart and devastated my soul. After a year of being away from him I still couldn’t stop thinking about him. I tried therapy, studying, working on myself, developing hobbies etc. Nothing helped. I thought I’d never be whole again, then I found your videos as an answer to prayer. Thank you for helping me stop the plague of non-stop thoughts, shame, humiliation, hurt and betrayal I felt. The information and tools you share have truly been life changing. Thank you!!!
Melanie the hardest part I found apart covert narcissists is before you know them properly they appear VERY SIMILAR to codependents, you can only find out how they really by what they do with your vulnerability.
I gave him too much time and spent days consoling him after a DUI. I gave him weekends that I should have spent working and being present for my 18 year old daughter. I gave him meals, patience, energy, belief...everything I should have been giving to myself and my children.
I've been so 'lucky' to have had the 'pleasure' of meeting both of these types in my most important relationships!! I was definitely the caretaker and fixer in both. I had lost myself trying to solve and mend their broken selves... I am grateful for the life changing experience and the awakening of the true inner child in me. I have never been happier in my life. I am forever grateful to you. Keep thriving, because 'there is nothing else to do!!' LUV YA!!!!xxx
Awww Katerina!! I love that you are awakening your Inner child! That's great! Take her out to play and jump up with the joy she has always had...but now she is Free!!! Yaya!! Love and blessings to you, Dear Lady. xoxox
I'm guilty of falling in to that trap of helping a few covert Narcs. It is an attraction, for sure. And I totally agree, the coverts are the worst. They seem so nice and are good at getting us to 2nd guess ourselves.
I gave up my physical independence. He completely hoodwinked me , I believed like you said Melanie, that we were kindred spirits, that he "got" me. I did some serious introspection into why I was so depressed & anxious about life when I hadn't really been before. I'm just grateful for the knowledge that you have brought into my life & I'm consciously self partnering 😉 like from the moment I wake up! If I don't, that anxiety etc seeps into my mind. You've given me the space to become the person who I WANT to be , no more of me feeding this man every inch of my soul. Its my soul , thank you 👌
I’ve been with my current partner for 15 months and am still trying to decide if he’s a covert narc or if it’s his autism and co-dependency that causes him to behave the way he does. The good thing is that after being with a narc in the past I will never fully give myself to another so can walk away anytime I like without feeling the huge loss I would have felt in the past. Im a much stronger person these days and that’s the one good thing I took away from my previous narc relationship. If you ever encounter a narc, don’t ever walk, run! They will destroy your life.
I gave up time with my family, relationships with my friends, my health, my time, my love, my heart and my soul and I feel like I got nothing in return. It’s taken me 8 years of marriage (13 years together) to realize that he’s a covert narcissist and I’m leaving and taking myself back.
I went from thinking I had met my soul mate to being placed on antipsychotics and abandoned in hospital in a total crisis. I knew something was off from the start and I wish I had listened to my gut instead of thinking it was “just anxiety” You deserve a gentle kind and patient love You are not crazy You are having a human reaction to being severely hurt
I am learning how to deal with the Religious Narcissist. They know how to fake humility to a degree, but eventually who they really are comes out and they start finger pointing everyones faults as Gods righteous judge and using scripture in a dishonest manner for their own agenda.
women used to come to me for counseling in our church. We were in full-time Christian Ministry. Women would say, oh you're so lucky to be married to the pastor. He is so wonderful. He is so Godly. I kept his secrets. I knew better than to embarrass him. after 28 years of torture, I finally escaped. I am alive and loving the peace. he destroyed my reputation. every church I attended, ended up in disaster as soon as someone recognized, that I was that woman who left that poor man. I was the woman with the Scarlet Letter on my back. I am alone after 17 years. it took a lot of soul-searching. It took a lot of work. but I can now spot a narcissist a mile away. they hold no attraction for me. I am not interested in helping them. I am a true empath, but my Outreach is in a different direction, than trying to please narcissists. there is nothing better than a healed mind & soul and a peaceful heart. from there Springs forth life. God bless all of you, especially those of you who are constantly ridiculed, by a religious and legalistic, controlling narcissist. God is not cruel. God is not a narcissist. Narcissists are not God. They do not speak for God. They do not represent God. Narcissists are accusers. The word Satan means accuser. Nothing is worse than spiritual abuse. Nothing. Freedom is wonderful!
Darla Delaney i am going through it now with my husband who plays on the worship team. I attend a seperate church because of the damage he has done and everyone pities him. Well now they can pity him without me. He goes out of his way for others and puts me on the back burner and the list goes on. I'm moving this weekend and cant wait to finally have some peace and freedom
I know of a religious bible toting psychopath who goes around quoting scriptures . He is currently in prison . He knows how to get a lot of sympathy . A really bad dude.
Mine presented as this misunderstood person who had abusive alcoholic parents and abusive psycho exes and just wanted a peaceful family life. So I tried to show her what an honest and loving partnership could be. But after the first couple months of love-bombing I found myself taking on an almost paternal dynamic. She stopped cleaning the house, stopped doing her laundry, stopped taking care of her animals. She’d behave wrecklessly and go out drinking and clubbing while I stayed home with her daughter. I found myself trying to explain basic human principles of honesty and respect to a grown woman. Slowly I became constantly exhausted and stressed. I couldn’t talk about any issues without her blowing up and blaming me. She was the most stubborn person I have ever met. I ended up moving out when the abuse became physical and I developed symptoms of MS and chronic fatigue. She then hoovered me only to ghost and cruelly discard me letting me find her with the new supply. Then she tried to destroy me with false police reports and false felony allegations. Like an episode of the twilight zone, no one finds her behavior as crazy. 🤔🤮💔👩🏻🙅🏻♂️
Wow, she really put you through the wringer. Good that you got out. The trick is to stay out, and figure out what drew you to this crazy destructive person, so that you don't fall for it again. When you say everyone thinks her behavior is normal, how do you know? Is that what she tells you? Of course her friends don't find it a problem, that's why they're her friends.
My brother went through the same thing. He was emotionally, physically and economically destroyed. He hung around until the kids were grown, then died broken and penniless. He was definitely an empath.
@@robinsaxophone232 I am so sorry I am truly lucky to have not taken.my own life due to his set up and court did.not see this? he set me up and took everything my daughter has been taken missing parental abduction for over a decade?? how does this happen?
“Then they get propelled into what comes so naturally: Care-taking and fixing others at the expense of their own desires and needs.” Nailed it! 🙈 How was I the caretaker? I did almost all the cooking, cleaning, contributed a lot more financially, lost touch with family and friends, stopped having time for exercise and my hobbies. I lost myself badly and it was shocking to realise that happened. Thanks for the great videos!
i didnt set boundaries,i believed words, i wasnt met with actions to match the words, i was treated as a secret but expected to act like i was in a equal normal and public relationship when it wasnt.
Omg! Melanie I absolutely love you. And I’m so happy I found your channel. You’re like a guided angel. You described my mother who I just found was a covert narcissist about a week or so ago, to the T. I am devastated about it. And I’m heartbroken. I just ended my relationship with my overt narcissistic ex two months ago, only to realise my mother was an overt Narc shortly afterward. I can’t get over how sneaky and manipulative she is. That’s why I didn’t see it before, because she’s very, very sly. She plays “nice” very well. But when her mask slips the nice character she plays is rude, mean and cold. All she’s ever done is blame me for her failures in her life, and as a child I grew up believing her. She gave me a hug over Christmas and I didn’t feel a thing. It felt fake, forced and empty. I decided from that day on to keep a watchful eye on her over the Christmas holidays. Low and behold I started to see the real her. Her mask kept slipping and I couldn’t believe I was trying to please a person who was so evil. Then out of nowhere all the bad memories from my childhood started replaying in my head. The nasty way she used to treat me as a child. Always telling me she hated. Turning her family against me. Ganging up on me with her family. Verbally and physically abusing me. Choosing her boyfriend over me. Everything like a broken jigsaw puzzle suddenly made sense to me. All the pieces of the puzzle that I’d been struggling to piece together, suddenly fit and the picture was a very clear, but hurtful and also frightening one. She had me feeling so sorry for her. Spending money on her buying gifts. Making me feel like it was my duty to take care of her. Only to turn around and be ungrateful about the things I was doing for her. I can go on and on. But, thank you soooooooo much Melanie. This video is by far the best breakdown of the overt and covert narcissist that I’ve seen. Since finding out that I’m an Empath and discarding my narcissistic ex, I’ve been very vigilant of people and their actions. I think that’s why I was paying close attention to my mother. I’ve always felt and known there was something “off” about her, but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was. Because she’s so “fake nice” I couldn’t see it. But occasionally her mask would slip and the real her would reveal itself. One thing I also realised about her is she’s nice infront of people. But behind closed doors when no one is around and it’s just me and her, she was vicious. The truth of the matter is she’s very angry inside about the way her life turned out. She’s always talking about the things she used to do in her younger days and about all the regrets she has. I think her biggest regret was having me. I also think I remind of her my father and that’s why she hates me so much. But she needn’t worry or scapegoat me to whoever will listen anymore, because I am gone from her life. When I left her house over the Christmas holidays I didn’t even say bye. I packed my things and calmly left. Walking away from my mother was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life, because I was so close to her. Once I became an adult she became “fake nice”. And that’s why I’d forgotten about how evil she used to be towards as a child, it’s like I’d been under a spell until her mask slipped and all the memories came flooding back. I was literally shaking, trying so hard not to cry and to hold it together as I was leaving her house. But I had to tell myself she was never a mother to me. And that’s exactly what I used to think as a child, that she wasn’t my mother, and she knew this. I’d literally ask her when my real mother was coming to get me. I’d fantasise and dream of my real mother coming to get me. I believed as a little girl that I was adopted. That’s how cold my mother was towards me. I made sure to delete her name and block her number before I left her home. These people have reeeeaaaallllyyyyy bad energy and that’s what gives them away. You have to be really in tune with yourself to suss these horrible, evil, users out. When people speak of those who are “fake nice” it’s the narcissists they’re referring to. The genuinely nice people on this earth are the Empaths.
Hi BriBri82 I'm so pleased my videos are helping you sweetheart and I hope you have found your way to this one ... blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-to-heal-the-wounds-from-narcissistic-mothers/ Love and blessings to you xoxox
Learning everyday from you! I was with an extreme and (now I realize) covert narcissist. So insidious and devastating. I honestly and thankfully can say I had never come across any one like him before in my life. In the end, he destroyed my life in many ways but before he was able to completely destroy me emotionally and mentally, I left him. I left him without even knowing that he was a narcissist. I only found that out quite by accident. I was getting a facial with a lady I was meeting for the first time. We got to talking and she asked me if I was married. I told her no and that I'd just gotten out of a horrific relationship and proceeded to tell her a little about it. She asked me, "Did he do things like this . . . ?" I said yes and gave a few examples. Then she asked, "And did he say things like this . . . ?" I again said yes. By the third question I was stunned and turned around and asked her, "DO YOU KNOW HIM???" I was fully expecting her say she not only knew him but had dated him years ago. She laughed and said, "No Monica, I don't know him but I know what he is. He's a narcissist!" That was the beginning of finally being able to understand what had actually happened and why. I can't tell you how cathartic that was. I finally knew I wasn't going crazy. Still even with the logical understanding of what had happened to me I wasn't healed. I knew this because I kept seeking answers. I still felt resentment, etc. And this is how I stumbled across your RUclips videos. I've only just started doing "the inner work" I need to do to fully heal myself but I can already tell it is working. I already see changes in myself and in my life. Thank you so much for all your hard work. So important and relevant right now.
Aww, this is such a gorgeous share, Monica! I love it! You are so welcome, Dear One...and thank you!! You are on the road to your true self, and it's a beautiful awakening, I can tell!! You are relevant, and you matter. Love and blessings to you. xoxox
I gave him my open-minded energy, being open-hearted and friendly, providing him such ways contact to other people - so he was not alone. I wanted to make him happy - he was so sad, depressed and sensitive..... Today I know why I got hooked - But - what especially hit me - you said: " You smell the smoke, but you can't see the fire" !!!! and "You can never be 100% sure" - that's exactly how it worked with me - why I stayed with him such a long time.... because he was so nice and I always found excuses for him or he found excuses for himself to soothen my doubts.... and I didn't want to leave.... Another grand video - I was blown away again! Thank you, Melanie, you are such a big help! Amazing again and again!!
I tiptoed around the narcs in my life saying only what they wanted to hear making excuses for them. I missed out on speaking my truth and I stayed with them even when I knew I was sacrificing my life for them.
Someone I considered my closest friend at the time was a covert narcissist. I went wherever he asked me to go with him - to the doctor, to the hairdresser, to the nearby city to look for apartments for him, to clothing stores. (Despite being well in his 30s, he was quite helpless.) I didn't mind it much while it was happening because I told myself that I had loads of free time anyway, but a voice at the back of my mind was telling me that I could've been using that time to take care of myself and my future instead of those hours and hours of occasionally fun, but repetitive and aimless "bonding". When I noticed that his actions looked a lot like manipulation, I was already far too invested, and I was wondering if I was the problem and the needy one. As soon as we had our first outright conflict, he turned passive-aggressive and painted me as the crazy one which led to a lot of shame and guilt for me. Our friendship ended abruptly when his living situation changed, his status got higher, and he likely found himself another narcissistic supply. I mourned our friendship for months and blamed myself, until my therapist told me that that friend sounds like a narcissistic personality, and the puzzle pieces fell together for me. Don't be a doormat for anyone. And if there's a voice inside telling you that something is wrong, it probably is.
Hello brokenstarships: Thank you for mentioning this. This is a very helpful comment and it's is one of the biggest issues. We can dismiss the little voice, or gut instinct, the red flags that are there are ignored or excused away. We can be looking for the overt display of bad behavior or threat and completely miss the subtle display is harder to detect. We "nice" our way through our discomfort and of course a narcissist would pick up on this vulnerability very early on. You are so right... listen to that little voice. Love and blessings dear one xoxox
This is almost as exactly what I went through. Shes around 40 and she wants me to do aimlesa bonding and I was in my prime age to launch my business popularity and status in the society eyes.
Blown away by how many people who found themselves in this same situation. Having your eyes finally open is so heartbreaking. This is deeper then I ever imagine. I can relate with so many of you. How many can say that you played your part well in the relationship and no one on the outside knew your turmoil.
The one that I dated had multiple masks. I didn’t even notice until after my heart was broken. Once the pain subsided the logic area of my mind activated and I finally realized that I was with a covert narcissist and that the entire relationship was FAKE.
Yes! This happened to me as well- I dated a series of toxic/abusive/and/or narcissistic men but I thought I was done. I ended a long-term relationship with a narcissist that I was living with, decided I wanted to be healthy in myself and attract someone who would love me and treat me kindly. I met my daughter's father shortly after. He was so sweet and charming, amazing! I thought I was being careful and I even made him pass the friend test before really giving him a chance. It wasn't until it was far too late, a marriage proposal and a baby on the way, that I realized how wrong I was about him. He is the reason I discovered the world of NPD and codependency, sought therapy and healing, and faced my own demons head on. I'm actually at a place where, even though co-parenting with him is awful a lot of the time, I'm mostly just very grateful he came into my life. I have an amazing, bright, beautiful daughter and I'm healing deep wounds I've been too long afraid to face. xoxo
Broken, whinging, whining sounds like alot of empaths and codependents. When we explain what has happened to us; it sounds as if we're the narc. Funny part was, i knew i didn't have low self-esteem at all. Everything i've accomplished was for myself by myself and no one can take those from me. I wasn't unhappy with me, i was unhappy with those specific individuals. I am surrounded by these fuckers. Silver lining, happiness starts when you remove you from them. The level of scheme they're on is mind blowing. You have to become secretive to stash away money to make that lifesaving getaway. Don't take shit if it's not when you are leaving. Never leave whilst they are around and never look back. Save your life. PLEASE!
I found out my last exboyfriend was a covert narcissist after breaking up with him for the second time. At firs everything was like a dream come true. I'm into personal growth, do meditation every day and I'm a therapist myself. I could see things in the beginning but his father was seriusy ill (he ended up passing away), so I didn't give it much of a thought given the situation. And the whole process of ruining my self-esteem was so subtle that 8 months after the start I wasn't even able to focus, even in my meditations. He wanted to move in with me, and at first I loved the idea, but then I realized what a lazy ass he was (never at home, not helping with shopping, drinking way too much) and decided not move that fast, then the whole nightmare began. He started ignoring me and giving other women the attention for hours, he was rude to me and super nice to anyone else, whenever I confronted him he played the victim. And the more depressed I was, the happier he seemed to be. He gave me the passive-agressive silence treatment, punishing me, so we woulnd't date in weeks, and all he was giving me were crazy demands. I was madly in love, but I realized I was terribly happy when I was single and now I was not. Two months after no contact I'm 100% myself and happy again. It helped me find out my unsolved issues, so now I can work on them and be grateful. But still keep him far, far away!!
Covert. I didn't know what the heck was going on, the verbal attacks were so violent and lengthy. He had told me stories of his younger brother being rude and disrespectful to him and ripping him off for a large sum of money then throwing his good belongings in the trash. I felt sorry for him and thought he had PTSD from that. Wrong! He is a full-blown covert narcissist and the relationship ended with me being violently assaulted after I picked up the telephone to call for help if he didn't stop yelling at me. I didn't even know what a narcissist was. There is a growing understanding as you explain so very much and so well. Thank you ❤
Most empaths are limited by their sensitivity and lack of boundaries fundamental learning to avoid emotional pain. I am an empath but I don’t identify with the weakness of the hurt that everyone keeps describing characterizing empathy as very emotional. As an empath I suggest developing healthy boundaries and detachment. Both are fundamental for healthy relationships.
I met my covert and two months later she announced she was going to law school and would likely be moving. She literally begged me to come with her. I was ready for a change and had strong feelings for her, so I moved across country and supported her while she studied. After graduating three years later, she got a job, again, across country. We were engaged by then and of course I moved with her. Trusting her, loving her, supporting again through the bar exam and painting our new 4400 sq. foot home. As soon as she passed the bar exam and the house was painted, light fixtures changed, and electrical work was accomplished... she locked me out of our home on my birthday and began dating a 28 yo (she’s 42). Of course she strung me along for a few months while dating behind my back. When I went to see her and talk to her (as agreed upon) she called the police and filed a restraining order against me for nothing. I lost my job because of this. The town is small and at times I’ve passed her on the road, so she had me arrested for stalking. I’ve never been in trouble with the law for anything and supported her through tough times. I never knew what covert narcissism was until this. Years of withholding sex and affection, years of stealing finances and kicked to the curb without even a pillow to show for my efforts and care. I truly never knew her and now I’m stuck in a town dealing with false allegations, homeless and jobless and slandered, while my heart still heals from the wreckage. It’s been nearly six months and I feel like I’ve barely made any emotional progress. It’s so dark that someone you REALLY trusted and loved, thought loved you, could turn and treat you like a villain when in truth, you are the victim.
I’ve been with both. The covert narc suffered serious depression and suicidal tendencies that meant everything had to revolve around him. I thought it was borderline personality disorder and wanted to be there for him
OMG, I’ve been studying narcissism and covert vulnerable narcissists for 2 years. This makes total sense for me. At 20 years of age I had financial and regular guardianship over my mother for 6.5 years. I had never dated someone that was depressed before so I passed it off as that and I get why I did ALL OF THIS. He use to call me carebear, never mean, I feel in love with myself becuz of mirrored me. I did know this 2 years ago. Thank you!❤
I forfeited my career to support him in his. Took over all parenting and chained myself to our home so he could be free to explore his life. I gave patience and endured all manner of painful betrayal and cruelty just to prove I could help him feel unconditionally loved. I focused on the hurt little boy I believed he was and denied the abusive, controlling man that was really there. For years he was covert. When I started learning and putting up boundaries, his overt tendencies came out and intensified quickly. Someone whom I used to describe as the most gentle man I ever met became physically abusive to point of me fearing for my life. I had no choice but to stay away. He is now back to covert.
Awww, Andrea. This is so unimaginable, I totally understand. Please know you are definitely not alone as there are so many people that have suffered this, just as you and I. This is the reason I am so passionate about recovering from this traumatic and so very painful abuse. When the mask falls and their worst fears of exposure arise, they flop back and forth at will. I am so pleased to hear you are implementing No Contact to the very best of your abilities, Andrea. Please keep yourself and your children safe. So much love and blessings to you and your children. xoxox
Melanie Tonia Evans Thank you so much. The state is doing all the no contact work for me so far and I recently realized that, because I do not even consider baiting him to break the law, the no contact has been so easy emotionally than when it’s based solely on will. He is punishing me every way that he can besides, but I can work on all this if my psychic bonds with him are broken. All the hope that he can be “fixed” has fallen away because there’s no swirling emotions clouding my view. Once you clearly see it, turning away comes naturally. I don’t become triggered anymore. I can see his manipulations and easily understand what they truly are before losing myself. I never really thought this would happen. I am so grateful for all this knowledge and training about the disordered. I believe that understanding what is really happening saved my life.
Absolutely spot on in every single way ! Finally got out of a relationship with an overt , thought I’d healed and had my boundaries well and truly set and went and fell for another narcissist only this time covert I’m just thankful for my research and past experience that I noticed the red flags quite early on but he managed to get me in a state of confusion and thanks to this video it’s confirmed my thoughts I will be going no contact from now , thankyou so much xx
After I left my overt narcissist husband, in my vulnerable state I became quickly enmeshed with a friend who displayed some qualities of the covert narcissist. Thank you for helping me see this.
This video really answered questions for me. My narc definitely switches from covert to overt and back, I've been mixed up trying to work out the mind games for ten years and I finally get that I'm not going mad! I was confused by the 'in your face' arrogance which would suddenly change to 'poor me' - always apparently due to something I'd done. Thank you Mel, I'm getting on very well with the NARP program and finally finding me!
You are most welcome, Sonia! I am so pleased you are in Narp and you're finding you- the real you- the one who is Love, Light and Bright! Keep Thriving! Love and blessings to you. xoxox
Thank you so much ! Started watching about 2 months ago. I had 4 .I now have one and that is managed by distances. I was angry before wondering how I must look stupid to these people but it is just a matter of gently calling them out and once they realize you see, the phone stops ringing, the text stop coming and they move off like a starving tick. Freedom feels GREAT ! Many Thanks again !
You are sooo right Melanie, l have just come out of a toxic relationship with a covert narcissist. He was all you described. I now feel liberated and free from a husband that drained me with his self pity and lack of integrity and responsibility. Yes I've lived with him for a large part of my life but now I'm not going to look back and only look forward to a more liberated life. God bless
Thank you so much for making this video. I actually cried watching this, because for the first time in 8 years, I know I'm not crazy! It's like you've been a fly on the wall of our relationship. Disturbingly spot on. I was recently (what I've now learned) discarded by my fiance and finally have some clarity. He was mostly a covert with a few overt tendencies and I'm an empath. Just trying not to beat myself up for ignoring all of the red flags and ignoring my gut instinct screaming at me for all of those years. I thought this breakup was the worst thing to ever happen to me and have been a mess for the past 2 months, but now I realize that him discarding me was the BEST thing ever! Onward to healing and happiness!
Aww Rachel, you are SO welcome sweetheart and you most definitely NOT crazy. Are you working with the NARP program to help you heal? If not, I would love you to join me in a free healing workshop www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar and experience a Quanta Freedom Healing for yourself. Love and blessings to you xoxox
Melanie. I have suffered from the most unbelievable narcissistic abuse. I tried to stay in the situation. I am physically leaving but mentally I am still trying to make sense of everything. 😢
I've had 4. My mother was overt. My ex husband was very covert but got more angry as time went by. And 2 boyfriends were overt. Never again! I am finally learning about this. Thanks a million!!
Victims of Narc parents are usually victim forever . Maybe its them they sense us and trap us.. maybe it's us we don't know how to function without them.. our only option is to self educate or therapy
You hit the nail on the head so many times in this video for me. As I learn more about the situation I was in the pieces of the puzzle start to come together and things start to make more sense. But I can’t tell you enough, how I knew there was something going on something didn’t seem right etc. and it drove me crazy. I was thinking maybe something was wrong with me. Everything you’re saying it’s almost like you’re telling my story it’s crazy how it makes sense. I just need to forgive myself from not walking away or even recognizing the signs when I should’ve. I think that’s the hardest part for me right now
I allowed him to hide. I felt sorry for him when I saw the stress (a cold sweat) when I asked him about previous relationships. And I didn’t push it. I let him operate on a superficial level. After 22 years together, I still didn’t realize he was a narcissist (although definitely saw covert controlling behavior!) until I asked for a separation. He “flipped” before my eyes into fully overt abusive behavior. Checks all the boxes of your definition of narcissist. You are right-this type of behavior is so sneaky. It’s hard to get what’s going on. He had everyone including me fooled. He is actually a sorry soul. Thank you for helping me understand. I’ve been hard on myself-why didn’t I see it? Why did I stay so long??
Hun, it's so common after this kind of abuse to second guess ourselves and beat ourselves up for not leaving sooner. I want you to know that you can move past this phase powerfully sweetheart and My free webinar is a great place to start: melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar Love and blessings xoxox
People focus on narcissism in relationships. But it occurs in friendships as well. I had a friend that was covert, but there were overt behaviors as well. The constant put-downs and insults were the smoke for me, but I couldn't identify the fire as you rightly stated. Mostly because they use intermittent reinforcement. What this entire experience has taught me, is to look within and find the reasons a narcissist could've been drawn to me. It is because I am highly empathetic and too accommodating at times and this stems from a dysfunctional and highly conflicted family setting as you mentioned. Thank you so much for sharing; your video has brought more awareness!
what is the narp program?? I am so lucky to be alive he wanted to kill me he lead me to loose.my entire empire I created in less that 3 years n used the court to teach me who is boss when I said no more!! I did not know till today what this.monster wss.This is a vital video that I am beyond blessed to have been guided to!!! thank you so much xx
"Reacting by blocking me is very immature...if you continue to act that way you will always be alone....for the rest of your life...and you will never be happy" from a covert narc.
It's all so complex. Thank you, Melanie, for mentioning near the end that defining a label is the wrong focus. These labels should simply be tools that are helpful. Most people are full of mixtures and contradictions. Assigning the exact label to someone is less important than just increasing one's awareness and ability to self protect and make better choices in future.
I lost time, emotions, health, anxiety times, messed up many days of my LIFE. I am away now. Soul tie broken. I am in touch at a distance.. Still care that he has a soul. In time it will all fade as it has now but not without many sacrifices. He broke my heart and I too loved him beyond and back and after all the pain and suffering I ended it.
Oh Melanie, your kitty cat is such an awesome part of this video. He made me laugh right out loud, and the laughing felt so healthy and good. Considering the topic of covert narcissists, he was the perfect addition. : ) Thank you for doing such an excellent job describing these personalities, I recently encountered one and am now healing from the experience. Coverts can be incredibly dangerous and people need to be informed about their behaviors.
I constantly give kindness, empathy, consideration and love while receiving absolutely nothing but judgement, criticism, detachment, coldness and attacking and heartbreak in return..
As a empath these dark souls have ruined my health. I had a covert father and married another covert. I was continually soaking up their misery, insecurities, their self loathing. I’m convinced it’s more than just a mental illness but also a problem with dark entities.
The reason that I fell into the traps was because I believed that they were good people, they just had a couple of issues and they were working on those issues. My problem was that I believed that I didn't get to have well around people in my life. I thought I deserved only broken people. and if I could fix them, I would get what I wanted: a great relationship. I know, pathetic. But not anymore. I deserve a great person who is just like me. I don't lower my standard for any one.
I may have just entered into a second narcissistic relationship. First overt now covert. Doing my research to determine for sure. This is scary and something I never ever want to experience ever again! Thank you for your videos. I am an empath and give of myself without needing much reciprocation in general relationships, it gives me joy. But in romantic relationships there is a giving on another level that I believe calls for reciprocation that narcissist do not have.
This is a GREAT episode! Thanks for the wisdom. You hit this type, right on and have helped me finally accept what was going on. My story is so similar to yours Mel. It was so hard to actually accept that this person was a narcissist. This video has helped me find closure. Forever grateful! Much love.
Awww, you are most welcome, Laura. It is my pleasure to help in any ways that I can!! It is such a shock, I know. But, we heal the traumas that hooked us to these people like a magnet!! And, we move into gratitude for the experience of it all. We find our own closure, and truly..that is the most satisfying way!! I am so happy to hear you are thriving now, Dear Lady...yaya!! Love and blessings to you. xoxox
This was a really great and informative video. I had been involved with a covert narcissist who played the victim and I was compelled to help him. In the process I gave up my dreams and life plans and had two children with him. Throughout all the post-separation years, he financially abused me and the children.
Such a great video! I'd had a relationship with an over narc and vowed to never do that again only to fall for a sneaky covert narc in my last relationship. He was so amazing at first until I realized everything had to be done according to what he wanted and he literally had no empathy for me or anyone else. He has everyone convinced the relationship failure was my fault but they dont know the real him, I do.
This video hits home for me all the way . 28 Year’s of a covert narc, I have enough and in the process in divorce. Bin learning about narcissist for 2 1/2 Year’s now. I have much to heal but see more hope, At the least now I know what the problem is. More importantly going forward I’m in need to help myself get better! Thanks for this so on target video 💛
I really think my friend/bf who I was talking to for 5 months, working toward a relationship with is a covert. I'm upset. I overlooked many red flags for weeks. I finally set a boundary and he tried to talk me out of it, then got mad, then went silent. He has been out of state for work the entire time which has actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Had we been physically together this whole time I would have continued to make excuses and explain away. It is scary how close I came to being hooked into another one of these relationships. Smh. I'm thankful for channels like this bc I'm more aware now and know what signs to look for. I appreciate what you are doing!! Please keep up the good work. It makes a difference in the lives of people like me. 🤗🤗😊 Everyone please pray for me and send me good energy. I love him. I need strength to stay away. We we're together years ago and have been friends since. It sucks to come to these realizations about ppl you care about. I'm on my healing journey now so hopefully as I make more progress I'll stop attracting narcissistic people.
I was the caretaker of my covert mother, the ULTIMATE victim (with a raging overt narc father) from a very young age. I had to be self reliant, independent and try and 'safe' her from the evil husband, which I failed to do, obviously (serious white knight syndrome...). I was also used as a buffer between him and here , often bearing the brunt of his abuse, I guess so she could get a breather at times, relishing in her role as the ultimate and pure-hearted, poor victim...She also blamed me for her lot in life (I am the youngest of five, and she said on a few occasions that if she didn't have me, she would have left him but because she is such a good person/perfect mother she stayed for me) She was very controlling, critical, eroding (in a very subtle, 'loving' way), this took me so long to realize (well into adulthood) while the father's abuse was very obvious. This prevented me from developing a healthy self-reliance, not having a childhood at all really, never being taken care of/nurtured myself and all this (and much more) set the groundwork for future narc abuse in other relationships. I started the NARP program very recently and oh boy, was Module 6 (about not taking responsibility for the narc anymore) heavy/intense! I've got a lot of work ahead of me here but feel for the first time in my life that I have found a method that truly works. Thank you Melanie for all that you do!
I feel physically sick because of what she did to me. I cant believe someone so beautiful that could say the most beautiful things could be such a monster.
You're nice. I just keep pushing buttons is how I'm here. I was ready and this will help me so much. I'm no longer with a man, but care give & live with my mom. I asked to return home to leave the covert, then she had health issues that she never recovered from. It's pretty sick here... still. I never thought I would be doing this, but here I am. Pushing through pushing on ! Nature is crucial to my healing. It is where I'm free and excited and hope filled. Take care 🌼✨ thank you :)
This video was amazing. I knew something was off, but couldn’t figure out what it was. I looked and looked haha. Then I feel like the veil had lifted when I denied any further advancement in our relationship. I saw the anger and the gaslighting and I started watching videos on RUclips and this was the one that helped the most. Thank you
What did I give him that I didn’t get? True emotional availability. I was always there when he needed me. I got him little gifts to celebrate his promotion. I sent him sweet little cards. And yet, I never got so much as a Christmas card. When I broke my foot, never so much as a get-well card. I gave him commitment. He gave me infidelity. Hmmm. Can someone fall somewhere between covert and overt? My narc seems very covert, except with his large friend group he can be very overt-lots of swagger and braggadocio. We always just thought it was a facetious personality quirk. He can seem bulletproof and stubborn, but also very vulnerable and whiny. All of these traits seem to fit him. I wonder if he’s just self-aware and knows what works with each audience he’s trying to hook. Total monster.
Hi SaltandSage, Yes sweetheart, narcs can fall anywhere on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder Spectrum. This video may help as it questions, Does a Narcissist know what he/she is doing? ruclips.net/video/5KfsdxMSy2Q/видео.html I would love you to take our new quiz to help you discover if you are suffering from Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome too xoxox melanietoniaevans.com/narcsyndromequiz
I feel like I have to completely suppress my social life because there are so many narcissists; it's lonely though it has left me to where I cannot trust anyone anymore. I have eight cats that are my best friends.
God, this video hit me hard. So much matches my experience exactly. I lost a lot of time worrying about the troubles they told me in their sob stories, desperately trying to get their attention when they decided to cut off all communication suddenly (maybe it was a power play, looking back). I also lost out on a lot of fun because I was too distraught by their mind games to enjoy doing things with friends. Friends I almost lost because I was nearly ready to choose that person over them when called on how much I made excuses for and pined over them. Everyone told me I was more depressed and miserable after meeting them. All of that and they could never bother to return any care or attention until I complained about how neglected I felt. It would last a couple days before the cycle started over again. It was only 7 months, so I guess I should be grateful that they were terrible at keeping up the act and I got away rather quickly. (That turned into a rant, wow...)
I remember Telling my now ex wife How I got hurt in a previous Relationship, And her words were "I would never do that" She did the exact same thing times 10 . lol
Thank you so much for this video. I am healing from a two-year relationship with a very covert narscissist. 16 days no contact (all blocked in social media) although he has been showing up at my work and home weekly with letters. I still need to go back to these videos about Coverts to stop doubting myself as I seem to have what feels like abstinence crisis sometimes. My body aches for contact with him and my mind starts to dangerously find excuses and rationalisation... I have managed to remain no contact because of your videos. Thank you so much once again. Coverts are so perverse and their hoovering intense and full of love and victimisation. I got hoovered back 8 times before but now I know better and feel more informed and in control, although physically addicted still.
You are SO welcome Mariana and you are spot on sweetheart, your body is addicted to him and so to break that addiction you need tools to help you. Sweetheart have you signed up for the free 16 Day Recovery Course yet? because in there is a free ebook How to do No Contact and this will really help you www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse Love and blessings to you xoxox
I had to pause this video because I'm got very upset this is EXACTLY what happened to me...it's a good thing I got upset though because I'm awake not in denial and facing it all so I can start to heal...your videos are sssooo informative that I have to pause and take a deep breath and start it again so I can absorb register everything...I can honestly say when I'm stronger and healed out of this imprisoning state I would love to buy you a massive bouquet of flowers to say thank you very much...😊....I met both types and I found that with some both types existed within one person...wI also experienced that when triggered the overt would appear in those people and then the covert would be there too....vice versa in other people...I need to research and learn more about the different types of narcissists...but I feel and can honestly say I just can not trust people now anymore...I feel I would now be observing which one someone could be and feel that it's too much to even date someone...
I lost out on having a life for myself and making a life with someone else. Everything rI did revolved around the narcissist. 15 years went by and we didnt have 1 photo of us together because we had dine nothing together not even gone out to eat
I realized that I was simply fighting to save those as I attempted to save my mother who was suffering from abuse but yet in retrospect continued to engaged as she abused my support for her and turned on me once she was feeling better about herself. I am getting some awareness with this video on how I played a part by attracting these type (because they can see me coming from a mile a way but also by allowing those type to take advantage of my need to take care of others instead of myself. I became somewhat of a co-dependent. I have had pretty long relationships and even a marriage based on these type of behaviors. My goodness this video is so rewarding and I have been truly enlighten. I am now clearly understand the cycle in which I have been living my life. I am simply continuing the cycle that began with my mother - hoping to love someone who did not have enough self-esteem to love herself into loving me back once I proved my dedication and love from her. It did not work. She died not standing up from herself. I need to continue the work on becoming whole myself so that I can recognize when I am falling into this cycle and immediately change the behavior until I am no longer operating from childhood pain.
Hi SharaRosie, how gorgeous you are recognising the part you play in all this - kudos to you hun! I've put together this playlist to help people to clear their susceptibilities to narcissists and I believe it may help you too sweetheart ruclips.net/video/-5_Oiu7RJoA/видео.html have a look through and be drawn to those that appeal. I hope they help and please do check out my free resources to help you further www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse Love and blessings to you xoxox
Definitely covert in the current relationship. His ex (who we co-parented with) was a shining example of a malignant narc, the most brash & absurdly brazen individual I have ever met. His son, who is now an adult, is a mix. But the previous narc I was with was overt. My mother is both. Totally agree, covert is so stealth, it took me 17 yrs. to figure out what exactly was going in & you pretty much hit the nail on the head with the description. With the first narc I was able to identify & get out much more quickly. Thank you so much for doing what you do.
Thank you so much for this, it is just what I needed. I gave him all I had. My patience, trust, time, energy, and being left with an empty feeling, having no more to give to myself. Always tired, I thought I was depressed, but he was causing it. I gave up on my desire to do things for myself, intimacy and personal space. He used to say I don't seem happy and keep projecting this image on me that I am crazy and that is ok, he forgives me for it.
I suspect that my narcissist was a combination of overt and covert. I was married to this person for 35 years. Over those years gradually problems escalated and at the end he made it clear to my son that he would be happy if I died. My health certainly was diminishing. I had constant back & stomach pain, my fingernails were breaking, my hair was falling out ..... He seemed fit and healthy, charging endlessly all over the countryside, mixing with low life people, including forming a firm and ongoing relationship with a prostitute on whom he lavished expensive gifts, paid for out of my assets as he had no personal income. He’d given up work 20 years prior and I continued to work. Then suddenly he died. He could no longer get up to any more destructive mischief.
Ms Evans, when you said "something is not quite right..that led you here. A search on the internet trying to figure out WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" That statement sums up everything I now know about my ex fiance and covert Narcissist. Thank you sooo much for sharing your experience and highly intelligent information. It is truly a blessing
Both. They even laughed about using their trauma and being a victim as a type of power.....Your RIGHT. This type of person can appear to be altruistic,quiet, nerdy, religious, and nice at first then the physco grandiose victim gets triggered against you ie Mask falls off. Out pops a jack in the box. Caretaking and sacrifice at the expense of our own risk and liability. You can lose your life and self being in a dysfunctional relationship with someone like this. Self care, using personal development, awareness, discipline of boundaries. Spending years trying to define what your dealing with in relationship is waste of time. Its like dealing with a sniper and someone using psychological warfare on you. Distancing ourselves from covert/overt narcissist, reviewing our faults and looking at getting our self back is the key. Keeping our promise to ourselves to find healthy relationship and live wisely is important.
Can't say thank you enough for the clarity. Characterics were spot on. I've experienced both, but now honoring my own wellbeing and peace. Good to know you offer these tools.
I must tell that this is the most complete, and comprehensive video which comprise all dimensions and aspects of the subject. I have watched more than 50 videos about this matter by the way, and this is the first time I am writing down on the comments section.
The covert narc I was with did subtle crazy making. Would say such odd things I couldn’t figure out just to get a reaction from me, then seemed baffled like I was just such a terribly insecure person. I couldn’t understand why he would say the things he said. He told me I would give him flashbacks to his sexual abuser, and tell me he had boundaries that if I crossed he had the right to assert himself. I was like “ huh”? I wouldn’t dream of crossing his boundaries, I was totally respectful and kind. If I had known then what I know now I would have seen he was setting it up so I looked like the abuser and he was a victim I couldn’t figure out what he was telling me. Made me extremely crazy. I ended up calling psychics to figure out what was going on with him. What a mess. He didn’t seem like the overt narcs I had known, only after discard did he truly show the overt narc he was or possibly sociopath. He became extremely ice cold to me in a matter of days and cut himself out of my life. Telling me he had to “ think about us. He told me he would gladly triangulate with his family again when I mentioned it was toxic. this from someone who acted psychologically sophisticated in many ways, he had been in therapy the last 20years, but really just knew the right things to say. Really did show subtle signs of being a narc but he also acted like an altruistic/spiritual person and I was confused. If I had known then what I know now I would have seen for sure.
When we were married I had a pretty good career going with my cosmetology I enjoyed it I was happy! he decided to buy a bar/restaurant and soon I had to quit my job in order to help him run it! he brought his brother into it (which is also 100% narcissistic) and the rest is history. I never got to go back to doing hair! I started doing everything for him and then soon I wasn’t working fast enough I wasn’t working hard enough and I ended up getting into a great big black hole!! We were married for 38 years we separated for years ago now he’s promising me the world he wants me to come back to him he’s going to quit working so hard he’s going to be the man that I’ve never seen before it just all throws up red flags!!
I believe I was involved with a covert narc. My ex always complained about being anxious but never could say why. Always posting the best pics on social media. She always talked trash about almost everyone close to her but had a connection to them that was un breakable . I feel her pity parties where a means of misdirection to keep my attention on her. I don't feel I ever got the same amount of attention and effort in return that I put forward. I realize now that I never set any boundaries.
This is such a good description of covert narcassism, and I recognize many of these traits in experiences with my ex. I wonder if the covert narc behaviour is some kind of dysfunctional coping mechanism? The saddest part is, that I know there is a genuine, loving being in her, and for the most part, we'd shared quite a beautiful relationship.. In hindsight, those genuine aspects likely tempered and balanced the covert narc tendencies. That is, until she started trailing Prozac (for a side effect that was hoped to help with chronic pain). At the time I didn't know about covert narcissism. Nor did I know that SSRI's/SNRI's tend to have a negative impact on Dopamine & Oxytocin levels, with potentially devastating effects on emotional bonds (so much so, these drugs have come to be known as "marriage wreckers"!). Soon after, the covert narc tendencies won out. She'd also started seeing a psychotherapist, whom she managed to convince that she was a "people pleaser" and needed to be more selfish! I know for a fact that I'd been the "people pleaser" (with poor boundaries) in the relationship. This rapidly turned into manipulation, then betrayal (cheating), dumping (as soon as i tried to establish some boundaries), and stonewalling. She did admit to the manipulation & betrayal prior to stonewalling me. Over a year later, and I'm still piecing myself back together. I can totally relate to others who feel very cautious about entering into new relationships after these kinds of experiences. I loved that woman, thought we shared a deep connection with a high level of trust, and had considered her my best friend. The swiftness & ease with which she cast both our relationship, and our friendship into the weeds was shocking, and heartbreaking.
My ex husband was a covert, he did not show many of the covert qualities at all. Your video sums up why it was so difficult to leave him as it was all passive aggressive, bank handed and really difficult to detect. I tried explaining it to my best friend once before I knew what a narc was and I just could not accurately describe it. Almost like living in a fog. I am so happy to be away from him, I also feel bad for his new wife. He married her very quickly so I know she has no idea yet.
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Well-known divorce lawyer here. Just my two cents: I would love to see a mandatory course on detecting a covert narcissist BEFORE people were allowed to get married. I would see far fewer divorce and child custody clients, but I could pivot to practice another area of law and so many empath’s would not have their lives destroyed.
Absolutely! Great idea
thank you I am a victim but my child is the biggest victim!! HE has used the law to gain to take everything I had to hide his daughter from her mom for over a decade.Custodial kidnapping state of SC where is the protection of the child's best intrest? how does this occur in a court of law.?? thank you so much for this realization! you are aware something I have become! priceless
Yes I agree with you
Yeah for the covert Narc does not come with warning labels in the beginning. I think Narcs need Tattoos. One forsure on the forehead that reads, " I inflict emotional pain that settles in your Bones. "Do you feel lucky? Lol!
Yep!! Refreshing to see someone acknowledging the need in the legal system. ruclips.net/user/RebeccaZungEsq. Attorney Rebecca Zung is on the same page with you. www.naplesfamilylawfirm.com/attorneys/rebecca-zung/
I sacrifised so much of my own integrity, time, money, interests, belongings and sanity for my ex, in order to please his disapproving attitude. Every single symptom of a covert narc mentioned in the video fits with my ex. I fell for him because I thought he was kind, shy and sensitive. He turned out to be the most calculated, manipulative, malignant and pathological person I’ve ever come across. When his mask started to slip and the devaluation began I was about to lose my mind over the confusion. One year now since I moved out unexpected hoovering attempts were made towards me. 2 months of no contact now and I’m still suffering from cognitive dissonance occationally and reexperiencing traumas and triggers. I loved him beyond imaginable and thought he was my true love.
Hi Svala. Here is a video I think may help you, too. Keep your NC going, Dear Lady! It will keep you safe and then you can slowly and with tender loving care begin taking baby steps toward your healing. Love and blessings to you. xoxox. ruclips.net/video/bI3RI61_30M/видео.html
Hi there this is exactly my situation . Married to a covert narc for 5 years, together 6.
Svala Magnea K. Ásdísardóttir
One thing you must always remember is that you weren't in love with "him" you were in love with the illusion..Something that he thought out, planned and executed to deliberately harm and abuse you.
That nice quiet, shy guy persona wasn't real..when his mask slipped, that is who he really is.
A sick monster in disguise..They all are.
It took me a very long time to understand the whole narc abuse cycle.
I suggest you read up on the subject as much as you can..and watch a lot of videos too..There is so much information to read up on and learn by. Narcs wont have a chance in the future because the public is and will be more educated about this sick twisted mental illness called narcissism..We have the know how to spot one, defend ourselves against them and learn from literature online.
I think I have watched at least 250 videos on RUclips. I lost count but close to, if not more than 250.
I read a lot of articles on line too and had one dear friend that I confided in.
She was a Godsend to me through my darkest hours.
All of those things helped me a lot, helped me to heal and sort out my thoughts and feelings while trying to function day to day.
There are better days ahead for you as well.
Good luck to you.
Lisa I can totally identify with what you said to Svala, about loving an illusion. I’ve come to the same conclusion about myself. I loved my husband with everything in me, but I have finally realised that the man I loved never really existed. I tend to see the best in people, and perhaps the illusion was a combination of wishful thinking on my part, and deliberate deception on his part. He certainly deceived me into marrying him, because he only told me after he decided that he didn’t love me anymore that he never meant what he said during our marriage vows. According to him, they’re just words you say, but nobody actually means them! He knows as well as I do, that if I had known that beforehand, I would never have married him!
Svala Magnea K. Ásdísardóttir
Same thing here... 3(+) years & STILL sucked in... I need REAL help become it's my demise.
NOT easy to simply walk away WITHOUT serious repercussions. I'm an EMPATH...
"The covert narcissist's action don't match up with their words and it's driving you insane." God damn this is so spot on! This is just so accurate. Exactly what messed with me.
I'm so glad this validated your experience Selen. I know how good it can feel to finally have that. I'm happy to help. Love and blessings xoxox
I provided unconditional love, acceptance and attention to my narcissist.
I lost myself (metaphorically speaking) and had to rebuild myself stronger, better, faster and I am actually better off for it. The experience was a catalyst for me to get my shit together, for me to learn how to set boundaries and become a more authentic version of myself.
So did I get to me
Kristian Jensen That’s why the relationship with the narcissist never last .His toxic parasitic energy is only catalyst message for us to look inside and than leave him forever,
How long did it take you to rebuild yourself? It is a year now since I started suspecting he is a covert narc. It was the worse year of my life. I have a life sentence because we have a child together. I wish I could set myself free and never acknowledge his existence around me. I am in therapy regaining mySelf. Trying to forgive myself to expose myself to such a harm. I am still digesting the reality , destroying remaining illusions he helped me to believe in over 9 years!!!! Till the end I trusted he is a good , just lost person and of course I was next to him like a dog to support him when he had his breakdown (now I know it was just his panicking attack after I asked him to move out, he was petrified of not having my supply. I just didn’t know then anything about the narcs. It took me 6months to come across this term and slowly investigate what the f... happened to me. He discharged me those 6 months later, like a used piece of s... without a word. Nothing. I know I will never hear anything from this sick , toxic entity. I am focused on regaining myself. The person I always was- just forgot about her, giving my ALL attention to Mr poor and fragile). It is finally over. But still hurts. So much!!!! I am wounded , crawling , but determined to win myself back. I don’t even hate him. I wish I could. I hope you are happy, free, and in a loving relationship, full of respect, understanding, care and mutual support. Take care! And wish me good luck and strength. I need both! Any advice for me? To heal and be happy again?
Anna
@@Anna-hu9we Your situation is very different from mine, so I couldn't hope to understand the pain you've gone through or even have a good idea of how to give useful advice.
Only thing I can think of is to move forward one day at a time and try making each day a little better than the last.
Also realize, that being treated badly in that kind of situation is never your fault. You could have done everything perfectly and been perfect but you'd still have been treated like garbage.
@@kristianjensen5877 Very well said. I try to remind myself of this when it starts getting me down regarding my self worth 🙏🏼
The shy (covert) narcissist....a perpetual victim and “poor-me” personality....never in the wrong, always in the right.
That’s the true definition of “the black sheep”
I’ve broken the cycle. It’s so peaceful now. Boundaries are so important to build now.
Yep!
Congratulations love
I always felt like there was something quite not right growing up feeling invisible ... I never had the tools that I needed to be confident in who I am Although I’m working on trying to figure out who I am because I was not allowed to be or express anything I felt because I was told that I am wrong for feeling .. Everything that you have talked about in the video I can relate to OK what’s in it married in it and now I’m trying to heal from all the trauma and just try to learn how to.Be in the moment and not be so judge mental on myself or others for being human ... I am thriving on higher education and learning everything I can to try to make a difference for myself and others around me especially my kids and grandkids ... My counselor has awakened me and has told me that I was told a bunch of lies my whole life and now I just need to unlearn them and he’ll oh I’m doing EMD are to try to get to the root of my inner child trauma .
@@triciagaunt8452 well said! Best of luck on your amazing journey!
Bless u
It seems that once people find out about narcs and get away from the initial abuse they begin to see narcs everywhere and start test all their future potential mates or narcissism. I think that if the victim is not careful they can become so afraid of being with another narc that they lose the ability to fully trust other potential mates and as such cut themselves off from the love and support they need.
Hi - Timaeus,
Thank you for making this comment. It's an important one as some of us do understandably overcompensate due to the fear and the pain we have experienced. We can self isolate and reject relationships and this is unhealthy too. The goal is to have a full, vibrant, wonderful experience in our lives. This resource will help to address this issue: blog.melanietoniaevans.com/conquering-the-terror-of-being-with-another-narcissist/
Love and blessings dear one xoxox
That's actually very true and I'd tell my whole story but it would be a very large novel. As I work through my healing Daily because I have 52 years to heal from, I have actually beat myself up daily a little bit less everyday though, for isolating but in my case people have died and I almost did too and still could but I do my best to stay hidden and stay on the move and believe me when I tell you they are more than wolves in sheep's clothing it's worse than that they are almost actually like Satan or demons in sweet innocent baby suits. From my entire life spent shredded and as the scapegoat, I thought I could always spot one a mile away and within minutes and I could, but I thought I knew all there was to know and I was absolutely incorrect in thinking that as last year I met the last one and I'm telling you they are evolving and it's getting worse and worse as time goes on and there's many reasons why the numbers are getting bigger and their appearance and tricks are getting stronger and their act is getting better but for now it's safer for me to isolate and I only go out for things I need and I try to always do it in the evenings. I don't particularly like it but for now I need to stay safe and stay alive because as they take everything from you that you love or care about or might get some soul support from, it's now trickled down to taking and alienating and abusing my tiny tiny sweet grandbabies and I need to stay alive to work on some things to get them out and safe. So yes, that does happen and although I know that not everyone is narcissistic, many are taking on narcissistic behaviors at a more rapid pace because of what they've learned and endured at the hands of other narcissists. The numbers or the statistics have grown rapidly over a few years. I read somewhere a few years ago that they figured thar the population of ppl was about an average of 5% being narcissistic personality disordered and abusers and I thought about that for a second when I was first learning about NPD and thought to myself "that's bullshit"!! because if that's the truth then I know every fucking one of them. So I Googled other sites that have done and posted satistics from studies and it's true the numbers are found to be growing quickly and in my own studies I can say for a certain that alcohol is the number one thing that I have found to be a very large common denominator linked to NPD. Just info is all. God bless you all stay safe. Love and light...
Once again EXELLANT INFO AND VERY WELL DONE BEAUTIFUL MELANIE. THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR GIFT. XO
He was a covert narc, with some overt qualities. I lost everything to this person. My home, vehicle, ability to make money, my pet, and I almost lost my life. I have a lot of healing to do.
I'm a little worried about this now for myself. The good thing is that I will finally never subvert all of my own interests and desires to a partner again. Any future relationship will be undertaken slowly and with eyes wide open. I would rather be alone than subject myself to any more narcissist partners.
- Timaeus - exactly me now everybody I think to me is a narcissist
I’m becoming more and more convinced that my ex-fiancé is a covert narcissist. He was unbelievably charming, kind, giving, etc. when everything was going well, but whenever we had the slightest disagreement or I brought up any concerns about his behavior, he would have a meltdown and say things like, “I feel like you can barely stand to be around me”, and “I’m just a burden to you”, and I would inevitably have to reassure him that I didn’t hate him and that we didn’t have to break up, and thus the original problem was never resolved. I was constantly babysitting his feelings, making sure there was never any conflict, and walking on eggshells. Not to mention the lies, the changing stories, the flimsy excuses, the way he conveniently forgot important conversations or accused me of saying things I never said.
Every day I have to remind myself: “I’m not crazy. This is not normal behavior. I deserve better.” And I thank God that I didn’t marry him. That I saw the warning signs before it was too late.
Same here! Exact same sentences "I don't want to be a burden to you", "You obviously hate me", "you don't need me"... He also accused me of having said and done things I've never said nor did. He even presumed several times that I've stolen things from him.. Totally paranoid. His stories changed from one minute to another or he just didn't know how/why/when something happened (narcisstic amnesia) or he just denied having said something at all.
I took the pill and let him induce the idea of me being the crazy one. In the end I went to therapy and I had to struggle with anxiety issues plus a depressive episode. These persons are toxic. Run! As fast as you can.
the gut feelings became worse and worse...finally I could not stand to be in their presence. They are so very secretive and shady acting its unreal. Their electronics are fortresses. I had enough and within 2 weeks they were living with another supply. Incredible. Bizarre.
Anita Barneycastle it truly is so surreal, a living nightmare. Good for you for having the strength to move on!
It was exactly like that with my ex. He made my stomach churn, my body physically rejected him.
I've been with two.
And had one or two as friends.
But I was clueless then. Now I' super uber careful.
I agree, they say anything to lure you in.
Then it's the narc fest with us as the serving.
I can spot them relatively quickly now.
@@2126Eliza
I couldn't be intimate with him because of this exact reason.
He said I must be a lesbian because he knows other women would be happy to be with him.
They are welcome to the emptiness that he calls love making.
The key word that you said is supply. So yeah that is all anyone us to them is a supply. They are not worth it. Pray for their newest victim, and ask God to give you strength to leave them alone altogether.
This is one of the best videos on covert narcissists that I have watched. Good grief, the ex had all these behaviors! And he did have me convinced that all the problems in the relationship were my fault, I was looking up information on the internet, trying to figure out what was wrong with me, yikes!
Exactly. Me too! I would spend my days thinking of ways I could be more independent, less needy and paranoic, at the same time thinking I was NEVER labeled as that. While ally good friends kept reassuring me that what I was "demanding" from the narc (minimal care, attention, touch...) was completely reasonable. I broke up for various reasons 8 times (some were really cruel shit he pulled on me) but got hoovered back. They are super smart and manipulative. Real psychopaths for sure. 16 days no contact and more aware than ever. Still sufferings from what feels like drug abstinence but in control. Ugh! Devastating shit.
This feeling, that there is something very wrong, but couldn't prove really, THATS exactly what brought me here
They all live a doublelife, but always have no fault
Never
I loved him very much, but his kind words where empty words, and he told the same words to another person at the same time, at the end, as i walked away, he blamed me, for the end of the relationship, I was the kindest most trustful person, but he said at the end, it is your fault, everything, if you hadn't said this or that, if you had been more trustful, if...if...if..
I'm realizing I loved a man, that I didn't know, a different man, but that was a mask
And as you come closer to truth, the more the mask slips down, they do everything to make you the bad person
I never heard an apologize from him, not even, when he slept with another woman
He came back an acted as if it never happend
And if i wanted to know, he gave me the silent treatment
I never was so down in my life, I never felt more worthless, I died from inner pain
But now, I deleted all ways that he can reach me, and im getting better
This is not Love, he can't love
Not even himself
I feel sorry for that, but now i have to look for myself
ChriStiNaE 1 I relate to your pain, you are not alone in this. Be well:)
ChriStiNaE 1.. Exactly, exactly how I experienced it, swap the he for a she and you have my story too..
ChriStiNaE 1 So well described!! So sorry!! I lived this type of life as well and I feel for you!!
ChriStiNaE 1 Same here. Swap the male for a female. I have a very similar story. Not aware of any cheating, but would not put it past her, knowing what I know now. Afraid to know. I have blocked all contact with her as well. This has been a rough couple of months. I feel completely lost. Nights are the toughest times. Still cannot look at another woman. Funny thing was, I knew something was wrong from the get-go and the entire time. I have learned to trust my gut now. Thank goodness I came to my senses. it only took me three years! WTH? She was as beautiful as cunning.
Hang in there. I am with you.
@@nicksarap7826 Can you please share some of the red flags or peculiar behavior on her behalf?
This is what I'm dealing with... no accountability at all. So secretive. Stuff he's pulled has blown my mind.
Succubus!
very secretive and shady dark behavior.
Michaela Dalton me too same here..still dealing with him..i feel ya
Steals life force yea
Give some examples if you don't mind.
I am guilty of displaying covert narcissistic behavior. It was so covert, I was unaware at what I was even doing.
Being the son of a covert narcissistic mother that manipulated my father for my entire life, it was as if I inherited this behaviorism.
When the circumstances rose, and I was in a relationship with one of the most truly genuine women I had ever come to know, I began almost innately using and abusing her. I'd done to her what my mother did to my father. And she began exposing me for the covert narcissist that I was. Although this abuse was not my intentions, or something I methodically calculated, it may as well have been. The damage was done and I caused it.
Im praying she recovers from this and is able to find true love absent of fear. As well as all victims of this terrible psychological disease. I also pray that I am one day able to find the salvation I need to be a more whole person.
Me too, and I was completely unaware until I prayed for the Lord to show me the truth after realizing my marriage was about to end. I always blamed my husband (he has his share of similar issues), and would expect him to "fix" me or "complete" me. After praying and repenting, I began to see and understand everything in my family line and WHY these things happened. Turns out there are a such thing as generational curses, strongholds, soul ties, unclean spirits, etc that do effect all of us. The Lord delivered me from the Jezebel/witchcraft spirit and healed my old wounds that helped lead me down that path. Many deny the spiritual aspect of mental illness, but after your eyes are opened to the truth, the root of the problem will be obvious. I found a teachings on RUclips by Derek Prince where he explains Biblically the spiritual warfare we all are in, whether we realize it or not. What's sad is hardly any churches teach on this. But the Word of God clearly tells us who our enemy is, and how to fight him. God bless you all. 💞
2 Corinthians 10:3-5 KJV
For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: [4] (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) [5] Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;
Ownership is first step I know she doesn't say it alot but like attracts like. I realized due to my past traumas I would express alot of overt narssistic behaviors as way to guard my self. When I became attached I would let my guard down that the roles would flip its not all black n white.
Jen Lyn I have wondered about whether I am also a cover narcissist, after having been married to an overt narcissist for years and then falling for a covert one, just as I thought I was starting to heal. The one true critical characteristic all narcissist have is this : LACK OF EMPATHY. And I don’t lack empathy, so even though I did take tests on the net to figure out whether I have narcissistic traits etc and scored very low, I was still so confused about how I had come to act, when in relationship with said narcissists, that I kept doubting myself. But this one question cleared it up for me. I don’t lack empathy. Quite the opposite. Maybe I have come to the point while dealing with said narcissists to have been so engrossed in my situation, trying to figure it out that I had been disconnected from myself the world and consequently other people’s pain, but normally, when not under the influence of said narcissists, I am the person who cares but gives too much. This is codependency, not narcissism. And there are inherent wounds in codependency too. It is also a mechanism for survival and validation, but it’s a whole different cup of tea. I have been in therapy for a year now, and will probably do some more. I went into therapy because of my overtly narcissistic husband (like, what am I doing with him, why do I feel so dead and depleted, something must be wrong with me) but this helped me recognize eventually the covert one too. I was fooled in the beginning, I was so thirsty to be seen and heard (totally human, totally natural, NOT narcissistic) but very soon after I felt the passive aggression and I just couldn’t excuse it for too long. Even though I had no idea what I was dealing with, I just felt that something was off. So maybe try this on for size: your narcissist partner made you doubt yourself so much and had you think that YOU are the narcissist. If you have empathy and can relate to other people’s circumstances, if you are willing to see their point of view and accept it even though it’s different from yours, if you accept the validity of other people around you who are different from you and think “ok, I don’t like how they think so I will not expect too much out of this relationship, but I don’t feel superior to them , just different, each to his own” etc then you are not a narcissist.
Mr. Enigma: I applaud your honesty. I hope and pray your ex finds peace.
@@Strawberry_gal thank you ..u r the first covert narsicist Jezebel...to be honest...that i know of ...40 years i have been abused by my covert narsicist Jezebel wife..8 months awake my body & soul has been ravaged autoimmune disease bone disease and much more .....i .read restored to freedom by Nelson Schuman...and the legal rights demons have in our lives...im planning on doing a deliverance with my wife in the next week pray for her (Karen) and me ...thanks
This is an EXCELLENT video. It clears up a lot of information about the characteristics of covert narcissists. I was the full target of the covert mom / sister team. I'd always sense an uneasiness around the both of them. They are plotters & schemers who pulled me in by being kind. Then the " claws" in them came out.
This video is 100% spot on. I had a two year relationship with one. I was so confused during the devaluation and then the eventual discard broke my heart and devastated my soul. After a year of being away from him I still couldn’t stop thinking about him. I tried therapy, studying, working on myself, developing hobbies etc. Nothing helped. I thought I’d never be whole again, then I found your videos as an answer to prayer. Thank you for helping me stop the plague of non-stop thoughts, shame, humiliation, hurt and betrayal I felt. The information and tools you share have truly been life changing. Thank you!!!
I’m in the same boat now Kim! I hope you’ve healed now :-) and hoping I will heal too x
How exactly did you stop thinking about what happened? Also tried everything you mentioned.
Melanie the hardest part I found apart covert narcissists is before you know them properly they appear VERY SIMILAR to codependents, you can only find out how they really by what they do with your vulnerability.
I gave him too much time and spent days consoling him after a DUI. I gave him weekends that I should have spent working and being present for my 18 year old daughter. I gave him meals, patience, energy, belief...everything I should have been giving to myself and my children.
I became his “Mommy”. He would want my help when needed but resentful when I suggested ways to improve the situation.
I became their daddy and the same here
I've been so 'lucky' to have had the 'pleasure' of meeting both of these types in my most important relationships!! I was definitely the caretaker and fixer in both. I had lost myself trying to solve and mend their broken selves... I am grateful for the life changing experience and the awakening of the true inner child in me. I have never been happier in my life. I am forever grateful to you. Keep thriving, because 'there is nothing else to do!!' LUV YA!!!!xxx
Awww Katerina!! I love that you are awakening your Inner child! That's great! Take her out to play and jump up with the joy she has always had...but now she is Free!!! Yaya!! Love and blessings to you, Dear Lady. xoxox
I'm guilty of falling in to that trap of helping a few covert Narcs. It is an attraction, for sure. And I totally agree, the coverts are the worst. They seem so nice and are good at getting us to 2nd guess ourselves.
Abuse: it starts with confusion.
@@UFO_computers Amen!
@@UFO_computers 🎯🎯🎯
I gave up my physical independence. He completely hoodwinked me , I believed like you said Melanie, that we were kindred spirits, that he "got" me. I did some serious introspection into why I was so depressed & anxious about life when I hadn't really been before. I'm just grateful for the knowledge that you have brought into my life & I'm consciously self partnering 😉 like from the moment I wake up! If I don't, that anxiety etc seeps into my mind. You've given me the space to become the person who I WANT to be , no more of me feeding this man every inch of my soul. Its my soul , thank you 👌
I’ve been with my current partner for 15 months and am still trying to decide if he’s a covert narc or if it’s his autism and co-dependency that causes him to behave the way he does.
The good thing is that after being with a narc in the past I will never fully give myself to another so can walk away anytime I like without feeling the huge loss I would have felt in the past. Im a much stronger person these days and that’s the one good thing I took away from my previous narc relationship.
If you ever encounter a narc, don’t ever walk, run! They will destroy your life.
I gave up time with my family, relationships with my friends, my health, my time, my love, my heart and my soul and I feel like I got nothing in return. It’s taken me 8 years of marriage (13 years together) to realize that he’s a covert narcissist and I’m leaving and taking myself back.
I went from thinking I had met my soul mate to being placed on antipsychotics and abandoned in hospital in a total crisis. I knew something was off from the start and I wish I had listened to my gut instead of thinking it was “just anxiety”
You deserve a gentle kind and patient love
You are not crazy
You are having a human reaction to being severely hurt
I am learning how to deal with the Religious Narcissist. They know how to fake humility to a degree, but eventually who they really are comes out and they start finger pointing everyones faults as Gods righteous judge and using scripture in a dishonest manner for their own agenda.
I am dealing with this from fake spiritual people in the new age community...puke
women used to come to me for counseling in our church. We were in full-time Christian Ministry. Women would say, oh you're so lucky to be married to the pastor. He is so wonderful. He is so Godly. I kept his secrets. I knew better than to embarrass him. after 28 years of torture, I finally escaped. I am alive and loving the peace.
he destroyed my reputation. every church I attended, ended up in disaster as soon as someone recognized, that I was that woman who left that poor man. I was the woman with the Scarlet Letter on my back. I am alone after 17 years.
it took a lot of soul-searching. It took a lot of work. but I can now spot a narcissist a mile away. they hold no attraction for me. I am not interested in helping them. I am a true empath, but my Outreach is in a different direction, than trying to please narcissists.
there is nothing better than a healed mind & soul and a peaceful heart. from there Springs forth life.
God bless all of you, especially those of you who are constantly ridiculed, by a religious and legalistic, controlling narcissist. God is not cruel. God is not a narcissist. Narcissists are not God. They do not speak for God. They do not represent God. Narcissists are accusers. The word Satan means accuser.
Nothing is worse than spiritual abuse. Nothing.
Freedom is wonderful!
Darla Delaney i am going through it now with my husband who plays on the worship team. I attend a seperate church because of the damage he has done and everyone pities him. Well now they can pity him without me.
He goes out of his way for others and puts me on the back burner and the list goes on. I'm moving this weekend and cant wait to finally have some peace and freedom
I know of a religious bible toting psychopath who goes around quoting scriptures . He is currently in prison . He knows how to get a lot of sympathy . A really bad dude.
Freebird Tina
may God bless you Tina. May you find peace and quiet and safety. be careful and keep your faith in the wonderful God who loves you.
Mine presented as this misunderstood person who had abusive alcoholic parents and abusive psycho exes and just wanted a peaceful family life. So I tried to show her what an honest and loving partnership could be. But after the first couple months of love-bombing I found myself taking on an almost paternal dynamic. She stopped cleaning the house, stopped doing her laundry, stopped taking care of her animals. She’d behave wrecklessly and go out drinking and clubbing while I stayed home with her daughter. I found myself trying to explain basic human principles of honesty and respect to a grown woman. Slowly I became constantly exhausted and stressed. I couldn’t talk about any issues without her blowing up and blaming me. She was the most stubborn person I have ever met. I ended up moving out when the abuse became physical and I developed symptoms of MS and chronic fatigue. She then hoovered me only to ghost and cruelly discard me letting me find her with the new supply. Then she tried to destroy me with false police reports and false felony allegations. Like an episode of the twilight zone, no one finds her behavior as crazy. 🤔🤮💔👩🏻🙅🏻♂️
Wow, she really put you through the wringer. Good that you got out. The trick is to stay out, and figure out what drew you to this crazy destructive person, so that you don't fall for it again. When you say everyone thinks her behavior is normal, how do you know? Is that what she tells you? Of course her friends don't find it a problem, that's why they're her friends.
You will rebuild and feel better - keep walking it will get better Sorry for your pain
My brother went through the same thing. He was emotionally, physically and economically destroyed. He hung around until the kids were grown, then died broken and penniless. He was definitely an empath.
@@robinsaxophone232 I am so sorry I am truly lucky to have not taken.my own life due to his set up and court did.not see this? he set me up and took everything my daughter has been taken missing parental abduction for over a decade?? how does this happen?
“Then they get propelled into what comes so naturally: Care-taking and fixing others at the expense of their own desires and needs.” Nailed it! 🙈
How was I the caretaker? I did almost all the cooking, cleaning, contributed a lot more financially, lost touch with family and friends, stopped having time for exercise and my hobbies. I lost myself badly and it was shocking to realise that happened. Thanks for the great videos!
My pleasure Stephen xoxox
i didnt set boundaries,i believed words, i wasnt met with actions to match the words, i was treated as a secret but expected to act like i was in a equal normal and public relationship when it wasnt.
Omg! Melanie I absolutely love you. And I’m so happy I found your channel. You’re like a guided angel. You described my mother who I just found was a covert narcissist about a week or so ago, to the T. I am devastated about it. And I’m heartbroken. I just ended my relationship with my overt narcissistic ex two months ago, only to realise my mother was an overt Narc shortly afterward.
I can’t get over how sneaky and manipulative she is. That’s why I didn’t see it before, because she’s very, very sly. She plays “nice” very well. But when her mask slips the nice character she plays is rude, mean and cold. All she’s ever done is blame me for her failures in her life, and as a child I grew up believing her. She gave me a hug over Christmas and I didn’t feel a thing. It felt fake, forced and empty. I decided from that day on to keep a watchful eye on her over the Christmas holidays. Low and behold I started to see the real her. Her mask kept slipping and I couldn’t believe I was trying to please a person who was so evil. Then out of nowhere all the bad memories from my childhood started replaying in my head. The nasty way she used to treat me as a child. Always telling me she hated. Turning her family against me. Ganging up on me with her family. Verbally and physically abusing me. Choosing her boyfriend over me. Everything like a broken jigsaw puzzle suddenly made sense to me. All the pieces of the puzzle that I’d been struggling to piece together, suddenly fit and the picture was a very clear, but hurtful and also frightening one.
She had me feeling so sorry for her. Spending money on her buying gifts. Making me feel like it was my duty to take care of her. Only to turn around and be ungrateful about the things I was doing for her. I can go on and on. But, thank you soooooooo much Melanie. This video is by far the best breakdown of the overt and covert narcissist that I’ve seen. Since finding out that I’m an Empath and discarding my narcissistic ex, I’ve been very vigilant of people and their actions. I think that’s why I was paying close attention to my mother. I’ve always felt and known there was something “off” about her, but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was. Because she’s so “fake nice” I couldn’t see it. But occasionally her mask would slip and the real her would reveal itself. One thing I also realised about her is she’s nice infront of people. But behind closed doors when no one is around and it’s just me and her, she was vicious.
The truth of the matter is she’s very angry inside about the way her life turned out. She’s always talking about the things she used to do in her younger days and about all the regrets she has. I think her biggest regret was having me. I also think I remind of her my father and that’s why she hates me so much. But she needn’t worry or scapegoat me to whoever will listen anymore, because I am gone from her life. When I left her house over the Christmas holidays I didn’t even say bye. I packed my things and calmly left. Walking away from my mother was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life, because I was so close to her. Once I became an adult she became “fake nice”. And that’s why I’d forgotten about how evil she used to be towards as a child, it’s like I’d been under a spell until her mask slipped and all the memories came flooding back. I was literally shaking, trying so hard not to cry and to hold it together as I was leaving her house. But I had to tell myself she was never a mother to me. And that’s exactly what I used to think as a child, that she wasn’t my mother, and she knew this. I’d literally ask her when my real mother was coming to get me. I’d fantasise and dream of my real mother coming to get me. I believed as a little girl that I was adopted. That’s how cold my mother was towards me. I made sure to delete her name and block her number before I left her home.
These people have reeeeaaaallllyyyyy bad energy and that’s what gives them away. You have to be really in tune with yourself to suss these horrible, evil, users out. When people speak of those who are “fake nice” it’s the narcissists they’re referring to. The genuinely nice people on this earth are the Empaths.
Hi BriBri82 I'm so pleased my videos are helping you sweetheart and I hope you have found your way to this one ... blog.melanietoniaevans.com/how-to-heal-the-wounds-from-narcissistic-mothers/ Love and blessings to you xoxox
Learning everyday from you! I was with an extreme and (now I realize) covert narcissist. So insidious and devastating. I honestly and thankfully can say I had never come across any one like him before in my life. In the end, he destroyed my life in many ways but before he was able to completely destroy me emotionally and mentally, I left him. I left him without even knowing that he was a narcissist. I only found that out quite by accident. I was getting a facial with a lady I was meeting for the first time. We got to talking and she asked me if I was married. I told her no and that I'd just gotten out of a horrific relationship and proceeded to tell her a little about it. She asked me, "Did he do things like this . . . ?" I said yes and gave a few examples. Then she asked, "And did he say things like this . . . ?" I again said yes. By the third question I was stunned and turned around and asked her, "DO YOU KNOW HIM???" I was fully expecting her say she not only knew him but had dated him years ago. She laughed and said, "No Monica, I don't know him but I know what he is. He's a narcissist!" That was the beginning of finally being able to understand what had actually happened and why. I can't tell you how cathartic that was. I finally knew I wasn't going crazy. Still even with the logical understanding of what had happened to me I wasn't healed. I knew this because I kept seeking answers. I still felt resentment, etc. And this is how I stumbled across your RUclips videos. I've only just started doing "the inner work" I need to do to fully heal myself but I can already tell it is working. I already see changes in myself and in my life. Thank you so much for all your hard work. So important and relevant right now.
Aww, this is such a gorgeous share, Monica! I love it! You are so welcome, Dear One...and thank you!! You are on the road to your true self, and it's a beautiful awakening, I can tell!! You are relevant, and you matter. Love and blessings to you. xoxox
I gave him my open-minded energy, being open-hearted and friendly, providing him such ways contact to other people - so he was not alone. I wanted to make him happy - he was so sad, depressed and sensitive..... Today I know why I got hooked -
But - what especially hit me - you said: " You smell the smoke, but you can't see the fire" !!!! and "You can never be 100% sure" - that's exactly how it worked with me - why I stayed with him such a long time.... because he was so nice and I always found excuses for him or he found excuses for himself to soothen my doubts.... and I didn't want to leave....
Another grand video - I was blown away again! Thank you, Melanie, you are such a big help! Amazing again and again!!
You are so welcome Claudia. I'm so glad this helps and the pieces are falling into place. Love and blessings dear lady. xoxox
I tiptoed around the narcs in my life saying only what they wanted to hear making excuses for them. I missed out on speaking my truth and I stayed with them even when I knew I was sacrificing my life for them.
Someone I considered my closest friend at the time was a covert narcissist. I went wherever he asked me to go with him - to the doctor, to the hairdresser, to the nearby city to look for apartments for him, to clothing stores. (Despite being well in his 30s, he was quite helpless.) I didn't mind it much while it was happening because I told myself that I had loads of free time anyway, but a voice at the back of my mind was telling me that I could've been using that time to take care of myself and my future instead of those hours and hours of occasionally fun, but repetitive and aimless "bonding". When I noticed that his actions looked a lot like manipulation, I was already far too invested, and I was wondering if I was the problem and the needy one. As soon as we had our first outright conflict, he turned passive-aggressive and painted me as the crazy one which led to a lot of shame and guilt for me. Our friendship ended abruptly when his living situation changed, his status got higher, and he likely found himself another narcissistic supply. I mourned our friendship for months and blamed myself, until my therapist told me that that friend sounds like a narcissistic personality, and the puzzle pieces fell together for me.
Don't be a doormat for anyone. And if there's a voice inside telling you that something is wrong, it probably is.
Hello brokenstarships:
Thank you for mentioning this. This is a very helpful comment and it's is one of the biggest issues. We can dismiss the little voice, or gut instinct, the red flags that are there are ignored or excused away. We can be looking for the overt display of bad behavior or threat and completely miss the subtle display is harder to detect. We "nice" our way through our discomfort and of course a narcissist would pick up on this vulnerability very early on. You are so right... listen to that little voice. Love and blessings dear one xoxox
Thank you
This is almost as exactly what I went through. Shes around 40 and she wants me to do aimlesa bonding and I was in my prime age to launch my business popularity and status in the society eyes.
Blown away by how many people who found themselves in this same situation. Having your eyes finally open is so heartbreaking. This is deeper then I ever imagine. I can relate with so many of you. How many can say that you played your part well in the relationship and no one on the outside knew your turmoil.
The one that I dated had multiple masks. I didn’t even notice until after my heart was broken. Once the pain subsided the logic area of my mind activated and I finally realized that I was with a covert narcissist and that the entire relationship was FAKE.
Yes! This happened to me as well- I dated a series of toxic/abusive/and/or narcissistic men but I thought I was done. I ended a long-term relationship with a narcissist that I was living with, decided I wanted to be healthy in myself and attract someone who would love me and treat me kindly. I met my daughter's father shortly after. He was so sweet and charming, amazing! I thought I was being careful and I even made him pass the friend test before really giving him a chance. It wasn't until it was far too late, a marriage proposal and a baby on the way, that I realized how wrong I was about him. He is the reason I discovered the world of NPD and codependency, sought therapy and healing, and faced my own demons head on. I'm actually at a place where, even though co-parenting with him is awful a lot of the time, I'm mostly just very grateful he came into my life. I have an amazing, bright, beautiful daughter and I'm healing deep wounds I've been too long afraid to face. xoxo
I was with a covert narcissist.....and you saved me with your information. Thank you...I am now in recovery....
I'm so happy I could be of help Jonna. Love and blessings sweetheart. xoxox
Broken, whinging, whining sounds like alot of empaths and codependents. When we explain what has happened to us; it sounds as if we're the narc. Funny part was, i knew i didn't have low self-esteem at all. Everything i've accomplished was for myself by myself and no one can take those from me. I wasn't unhappy with me, i was unhappy with those specific individuals. I am surrounded by these fuckers. Silver lining, happiness starts when you remove you from them. The level of scheme they're on is mind blowing. You have to become secretive to stash away money to make that lifesaving getaway. Don't take shit if it's not when you are leaving. Never leave whilst they are around and never look back. Save your life. PLEASE!
I found out my last exboyfriend was a covert narcissist after breaking up with him for the second time. At firs everything was like a dream come true. I'm into personal growth, do meditation every day and I'm a therapist myself. I could see things in the beginning but his father was seriusy ill (he ended up passing away), so I didn't give it much of a thought given the situation. And the whole process of ruining my self-esteem was so subtle that 8 months after the start I wasn't even able to focus, even in my meditations. He wanted to move in with me, and at first I loved the idea, but then I realized what a lazy ass he was (never at home, not helping with shopping, drinking way too much) and decided not move that fast, then the whole nightmare began. He started ignoring me and giving other women the attention for hours, he was rude to me and super nice to anyone else, whenever I confronted him he played the victim. And the more depressed I was, the happier he seemed to be. He gave me the passive-agressive silence treatment, punishing me, so we woulnd't date in weeks, and all he was giving me were crazy demands. I was madly in love, but I realized I was terribly happy when I was single and now I was not. Two months after no contact I'm 100% myself and happy again. It helped me find out my unsolved issues, so now I can work on them and be grateful. But still keep him far, far away!!
Covert. I didn't know what the heck was going on, the verbal attacks were so violent and lengthy. He had told me stories of his younger brother being rude and disrespectful to him and ripping him off for a large sum of money then throwing his good belongings in the trash. I felt sorry for him and thought he had PTSD from that. Wrong! He is a full-blown covert narcissist and the relationship ended with me being violently assaulted after I picked up the telephone to call for help if he didn't stop yelling at me. I didn't even know what a narcissist was. There is a growing understanding as you explain so very much and so well. Thank you ❤
You are so very welcome Diana. I'm so glad this helped. Love and blessings xoxox
Wow that was exactly my experience only a few weeks ago.
Most empaths are limited by their sensitivity and lack of boundaries fundamental learning to avoid emotional pain.
I am an empath but I don’t identify with the weakness of the hurt that everyone keeps describing characterizing empathy as very emotional.
As an empath I suggest developing healthy boundaries and detachment. Both are fundamental for healthy relationships.
It takes time and wisdom.
I met my covert and two months later she announced she was going to law school and would likely be moving. She literally begged me to come with her. I was ready for a change and had strong feelings for her, so I moved across country and supported her while she studied. After graduating three years later, she got a job, again, across country. We were engaged by then and of course I moved with her. Trusting her, loving her, supporting again through the bar exam and painting our new 4400 sq. foot home. As soon as she passed the bar exam and the house was painted, light fixtures changed, and electrical work was accomplished... she locked me out of our home on my birthday and began dating a 28 yo (she’s 42). Of course she strung me along for a few months while dating behind my back. When I went to see her and talk to her (as agreed upon) she called the police and filed a restraining order against me for nothing. I lost my job because of this. The town is small and at times I’ve passed her on the road, so she had me arrested for stalking. I’ve never been in trouble with the law for anything and supported her through tough times. I never knew what covert narcissism was until this. Years of withholding sex and affection, years of stealing finances and kicked to the curb without even a pillow to show for my efforts and care. I truly never knew her and now I’m stuck in a town dealing with false allegations, homeless and jobless and slandered, while my heart still heals from the wreckage. It’s been nearly six months and I feel like I’ve barely made any emotional progress. It’s so dark that someone you REALLY trusted and loved, thought loved you, could turn and treat you like a villain when in truth, you are the victim.
I’ve been with both. The covert narc suffered serious depression and suicidal tendencies that meant everything had to revolve around him. I thought it was borderline personality disorder and wanted to be there for him
OMG, I’ve been studying narcissism and covert vulnerable narcissists for 2 years. This makes total sense for me. At 20 years of age I had financial and regular guardianship over my mother for 6.5 years. I had never dated someone that was depressed before so I passed it off as that and I get why I did ALL OF THIS. He use to call me carebear, never mean, I feel in love with myself becuz of mirrored me. I did know this 2 years ago. Thank you!❤
I forfeited my career to support him in his. Took over all parenting and chained myself to our home so he could be free to explore his life. I gave patience and endured all manner of painful betrayal and cruelty just to prove I could help him feel unconditionally loved. I focused on the hurt little boy I believed he was and denied the abusive, controlling man that was really there. For years he was covert. When I started learning and putting up boundaries, his overt tendencies came out and intensified quickly. Someone whom I used to describe as the most gentle man I ever met became physically abusive to point of me fearing for my life. I had no choice but to stay away. He is now back to covert.
Awww, Andrea. This is so unimaginable, I totally understand. Please know you are definitely not alone as there are so many people that have suffered this, just as you and I. This is the reason I am so passionate about recovering from this traumatic and so very painful abuse. When the mask falls and their worst fears of exposure arise, they flop back and forth at will. I am so pleased to hear you are implementing No Contact to the very best of your abilities, Andrea. Please keep yourself and your children safe. So much love and blessings to you and your children. xoxox
Melanie Tonia Evans Thank you so much. The state is doing all the no contact work for me so far and I recently realized that, because I do not even consider baiting him to break the law, the no contact has been so easy emotionally than when it’s based solely on will. He is punishing me every way that he can besides, but I can work on all this if my psychic bonds with him are broken. All the hope that he can be “fixed” has fallen away because there’s no swirling emotions clouding my view. Once you clearly see it, turning away comes naturally. I don’t become triggered anymore. I can see his manipulations and easily understand what they truly are before losing myself. I never really thought this would happen. I am so grateful for all this knowledge and training about the disordered. I believe that understanding what is really happening saved my life.
Absolutely spot on in every single way ! Finally got out of a relationship with an overt , thought I’d healed and had my boundaries well and truly set and went and fell for another narcissist only this time covert I’m just thankful for my research and past experience that I noticed the red flags quite early on but he managed to get me in a state of confusion and thanks to this video it’s confirmed my thoughts I will be going no contact from now , thankyou so much xx
After I left my overt narcissist husband, in my vulnerable state I became quickly enmeshed with a friend who displayed some qualities of the covert narcissist. Thank you for helping me see this.
This video really answered questions for me. My narc definitely switches from covert to overt and back, I've been mixed up trying to work out the mind games for ten years and I finally get that I'm not going mad! I was confused by the 'in your face' arrogance which would suddenly change to 'poor me' - always apparently due to something I'd done. Thank you Mel, I'm getting on very well with the NARP program and finally finding me!
You are most welcome, Sonia! I am so pleased you are in Narp and you're finding you- the real you- the one who is Love, Light and Bright! Keep Thriving! Love and blessings to you. xoxox
Thank you so much !
Started watching about 2 months ago. I had 4 .I now have one and that is managed by distances. I was angry before wondering how I must look stupid to these people but it is just a matter of gently calling them out and once they realize you see, the phone stops ringing, the text stop coming and they move off like a starving tick. Freedom feels GREAT ! Many Thanks again !
You are so welcome, it is my pleasure, as always!! xoxox
You are sooo right Melanie, l have just come out of a toxic relationship with a covert narcissist. He was all you described. I now feel liberated and free from a husband that drained me with his self pity and lack of integrity and responsibility. Yes I've lived with him for a large part of my life but now I'm not going to look back and only look forward to a more liberated life. God bless
Thank you so much for making this video. I actually cried watching this, because for the first time in 8 years, I know I'm not crazy! It's like you've been a fly on the wall of our relationship. Disturbingly spot on. I was recently (what I've now learned) discarded by my fiance and finally have some clarity. He was mostly a covert with a few overt tendencies and I'm an empath. Just trying not to beat myself up for ignoring all of the red flags and ignoring my gut instinct screaming at me for all of those years. I thought this breakup was the worst thing to ever happen to me and have been a mess for the past 2 months, but now I realize that him discarding me was the BEST thing ever! Onward to healing and happiness!
Aww Rachel, you are SO welcome sweetheart and you most definitely NOT crazy. Are you working with the NARP program to help you heal? If not, I would love you to join me in a free healing workshop www.melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar and experience a Quanta Freedom Healing for yourself. Love and blessings to you xoxox
Melanie. I have suffered from the most unbelievable narcissistic abuse. I tried to stay in the situation. I am physically leaving but mentally I am still trying to make sense of everything. 😢
I missed out on the love and nurturing that I was giving him and the forgiveness which I never got But always gave to him without a thought
I've had 4. My mother was overt. My ex husband was very covert but got more angry as time went by. And 2 boyfriends were overt. Never again! I am finally learning about this. Thanks a million!!
You are so welcome, Victorious Joy. I love your name!! Love and blessings to you. xoxox
Melanie Tonia Evans Thanks so much! You are the real deal!
Victims of Narc parents are usually victim forever . Maybe its them they sense us and trap us.. maybe it's us we don't know how to function without them.. our only option is to self educate or therapy
You hit the nail on the head so many times in this video for me. As I learn more about the situation I was in the pieces of the puzzle start to come together and things start to make more sense. But I can’t tell you enough, how I knew there was something going on something didn’t seem right etc. and it drove me crazy. I was thinking maybe something was wrong with me. Everything you’re saying it’s almost like you’re telling my story it’s crazy how it makes sense. I just need to forgive myself from not walking away or even recognizing the signs when I should’ve. I think that’s the hardest part for me right now
I allowed him to hide. I felt sorry for him when I saw the stress (a cold sweat) when I asked him about previous relationships. And I didn’t push it. I let him operate on a superficial level. After 22 years together, I still didn’t realize he was a narcissist (although definitely saw covert controlling behavior!) until I asked for a separation. He “flipped” before my eyes into fully overt abusive behavior. Checks all the boxes of your definition of narcissist. You are right-this type of behavior is so sneaky. It’s hard to get what’s going on. He had everyone including me fooled. He is actually a sorry soul. Thank you for helping me understand. I’ve been hard on myself-why didn’t I see it? Why did I stay so long??
Hun, it's so common after this kind of abuse to second guess ourselves and beat ourselves up for not leaving sooner. I want you to know that you can move past this phase powerfully sweetheart and My free webinar is a great place to start: melanietoniaevans.com/freewebinar Love and blessings xoxox
People focus on narcissism in relationships. But it occurs in friendships as well. I had a friend that was covert, but there were overt behaviors as well. The constant put-downs and insults were the smoke for me, but I couldn't identify the fire as you rightly stated. Mostly because they use intermittent reinforcement. What this entire experience has taught me, is to look within and find the reasons a narcissist could've been drawn to me. It is because I am highly empathetic and too accommodating at times and this stems from a dysfunctional and highly conflicted family setting as you mentioned. Thank you so much for sharing; your video has brought more awareness!
what is the narp program?? I am so lucky to be alive he wanted to kill me he lead me to loose.my entire empire I created in less that 3 years n used the court to teach me who is boss when I said no more!! I did not know till today what this.monster wss.This is a vital video that I am beyond blessed to have been guided to!!! thank you so much xx
"Reacting by blocking me is very immature...if you continue to act that way you will always be alone....for the rest of your life...and you will never be happy" from a covert narc.
It's all so complex. Thank you, Melanie, for mentioning near the end that defining a label is the wrong focus. These labels should simply be tools that are helpful. Most people are full of mixtures and contradictions. Assigning the exact label to someone is less important than just increasing one's awareness and ability to self protect and make better choices in future.
My pleasure Flashfloodarea3, I'm so glad that this resonates with you. Love and blessings xoxox
I lost time, emotions, health, anxiety times, messed up many days of my LIFE. I am away now. Soul tie broken. I am in touch at a distance.. Still care that he has a soul. In time it will all fade as it has now but not without many sacrifices. He broke my heart and I too loved him beyond and back and after all the pain and suffering I ended it.
Oh Melanie, your kitty cat is such an awesome part of this video. He made me laugh right out loud, and the laughing felt so healthy and good. Considering the topic of covert narcissists, he was the perfect addition. : ) Thank you for doing such an excellent job describing these personalities, I recently encountered one and am now healing from the experience. Coverts can be incredibly dangerous and people need to be informed about their behaviors.
I constantly give kindness, empathy, consideration and love while receiving absolutely nothing but judgement, criticism, detachment, coldness and attacking and heartbreak in return..
I just realized I’m a codependent. Thank you for that insight.
It's my pleasure Kim xoxo
As a empath these dark souls have ruined my health. I had a covert father and married another covert. I was continually soaking up their misery, insecurities, their self loathing. I’m convinced it’s more than just a mental illness but also a problem with dark entities.
The reason that I fell into the traps was because I believed that they were good people, they just had a couple of issues and they were working on those issues. My problem was that I believed that I didn't get to have well around people in my life. I thought I deserved only broken people. and if I could fix them, I would get what I wanted: a great relationship. I know, pathetic. But not anymore. I deserve a great person who is just like me. I don't lower my standard for any one.
Yes, I kept saying he is such a good person. Boy was I deceived
I may have just entered into a second narcissistic relationship. First overt now covert. Doing my research to determine for sure. This is scary and something I never ever want to experience ever again! Thank you for your videos. I am an empath and give of myself without needing much reciprocation in general relationships, it gives me joy. But in romantic relationships there is a giving on another level that I believe calls for reciprocation that narcissist do not have.
This is a GREAT episode! Thanks for the wisdom. You hit this type, right on and have helped me finally accept what was going on. My story is so similar to yours Mel. It was so hard to actually accept that this person was a narcissist. This video has helped me find closure. Forever grateful! Much love.
Awww, you are most welcome, Laura. It is my pleasure to help in any ways that I can!! It is such a shock, I know. But, we heal the traumas that hooked us to these people like a magnet!! And, we move into gratitude for the experience of it all. We find our own closure, and truly..that is the most satisfying way!! I am so happy to hear you are thriving now, Dear Lady...yaya!! Love and blessings to you. xoxox
This was a really great and informative video. I had been involved with a covert narcissist who played the victim and I was compelled to help him. In the process I gave up my dreams and life plans and had two children with him. Throughout all the post-separation years, he financially abused me and the children.
Thank you Karina and I hope it can help bring your power and release into your true potential. xoxo
Such a great video! I'd had a relationship with an over narc and vowed to never do that again only to fall for a sneaky covert narc in my last relationship. He was so amazing at first until I realized everything had to be done according to what he wanted and he literally had no empathy for me or anyone else. He has everyone convinced the relationship failure was my fault but they dont know the real him, I do.
Well you just described my life for the last few years. Crazy making.
This video hits home for me all the way . 28 Year’s of a covert narc, I have enough and in the process in divorce. Bin learning about narcissist for 2 1/2 Year’s now. I have much to heal but see more hope, At the least now I know what the problem is. More importantly going forward I’m in need to help myself get better!
Thanks for this so on target video 💛
You are welcome, danett. I am so happy this video helped you! Keep going! Love and blessings to you. xoxox
I really think my friend/bf who I was talking to for 5 months, working toward a relationship with is a covert. I'm upset. I overlooked many red flags for weeks. I finally set a boundary and he tried to talk me out of it, then got mad, then went silent. He has been out of state for work the entire time which has actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise. Had we been physically together this whole time I would have continued to make excuses and explain away. It is scary how close I came to being hooked into another one of these relationships. Smh. I'm thankful for channels like this bc I'm more aware now and know what signs to look for. I appreciate what you are doing!! Please keep up the good work. It makes a difference in the lives of people like me. 🤗🤗😊 Everyone please pray for me and send me good energy. I love him. I need strength to stay away. We we're together years ago and have been friends since. It sucks to come to these realizations about ppl you care about. I'm on my healing journey now so hopefully as I make more progress I'll stop attracting narcissistic people.
I gave the covert narcissist the value of my approval
it took me 15.5 yrs to work it out. but i am very pleased to be clear of my Narc, he nearly ended me.
I was the caretaker of my covert mother, the ULTIMATE victim (with a raging overt narc father) from a very young age. I had to be self reliant, independent and try and 'safe' her from the evil husband, which I failed to do, obviously (serious white knight syndrome...). I was also used as a buffer between him and here , often bearing the brunt of his abuse, I guess so she could get a breather at times, relishing in her role as the ultimate and pure-hearted, poor victim...She also blamed me for her lot in life (I am the youngest of five, and she said on a few occasions that if she didn't have me, she would have left him but because she is such a good person/perfect mother she stayed for me) She was very controlling, critical, eroding (in a very subtle, 'loving' way), this took me so long to realize (well into adulthood) while the father's abuse was very obvious. This prevented me from developing a healthy self-reliance, not having a childhood at all really, never being taken care of/nurtured myself and all this (and much more) set the groundwork for future narc abuse in other relationships. I started the NARP program very recently and oh boy, was Module 6 (about not taking responsibility for the narc anymore) heavy/intense! I've got a lot of work ahead of me here but feel for the first time in my life that I have found a method that truly works. Thank you Melanie for all that you do!
I feel physically sick because of what she did to me. I cant believe someone so beautiful that could say the most beautiful things could be such a monster.
You're nice. I just keep pushing buttons is how I'm here. I was ready and this will help me so much. I'm no longer with a man, but care give & live with my mom. I asked to return home to leave the covert, then she had health issues that she never recovered from. It's pretty sick here... still. I never thought I would be doing this, but here I am. Pushing through pushing on ! Nature is crucial to my healing. It is where I'm free and excited and hope filled.
Take care 🌼✨ thank you :)
You are welcome, Dear Lady!! xoxox
This video was amazing. I knew something was off, but couldn’t figure out what it was. I looked and looked haha. Then I feel like the veil had lifted when I denied any further advancement in our relationship. I saw the anger and the gaslighting and I started watching videos on RUclips and this was the one that helped the most. Thank you
What did I give him that I didn’t get? True emotional availability. I was always there when he needed me. I got him little gifts to celebrate his promotion. I sent him sweet little cards. And yet, I never got so much as a Christmas card. When I broke my foot, never so much as a get-well card. I gave him commitment. He gave me infidelity.
Hmmm. Can someone fall somewhere between covert and overt? My narc seems very covert, except with his large friend group he can be very overt-lots of swagger and braggadocio. We always just thought it was a facetious personality quirk. He can seem bulletproof and stubborn, but also very vulnerable and whiny. All of these traits seem to fit him. I wonder if he’s just self-aware and knows what works with each audience he’s trying to hook. Total monster.
Hi SaltandSage, Yes sweetheart, narcs can fall anywhere on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder Spectrum. This video may help as it questions, Does a Narcissist know what he/she is doing? ruclips.net/video/5KfsdxMSy2Q/видео.html I would love you to take our new quiz to help you discover if you are suffering from Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome too xoxox melanietoniaevans.com/narcsyndromequiz
I feel like I have to completely suppress my social life because there are so many narcissists; it's lonely though it has left me to where I cannot trust anyone anymore.
I have eight cats that are my best friends.
God, this video hit me hard. So much matches my experience exactly.
I lost a lot of time worrying about the troubles they told me in their sob stories, desperately trying to get their attention when they decided to cut off all communication suddenly (maybe it was a power play, looking back). I also lost out on a lot of fun because I was too distraught by their mind games to enjoy doing things with friends. Friends I almost lost because I was nearly ready to choose that person over them when called on how much I made excuses for and pined over them. Everyone told me I was more depressed and miserable after meeting them. All of that and they could never bother to return any care or attention until I complained about how neglected I felt. It would last a couple days before the cycle started over again. It was only 7 months, so I guess I should be grateful that they were terrible at keeping up the act and I got away rather quickly.
(That turned into a rant, wow...)
I remember Telling my now ex wife How I got hurt in a previous Relationship, And her words were "I would never do that" She did the exact same thing times 10 . lol
In the beginning I felt so sorry for her....now I feel sorry for what I went through.
Thank you so much for this video. I am healing from a two-year relationship with a very covert narscissist. 16 days no contact (all blocked in social media) although he has been showing up at my work and home weekly with letters. I still need to go back to these videos about Coverts to stop doubting myself as I seem to have what feels like abstinence crisis sometimes. My body aches for contact with him and my mind starts to dangerously find excuses and rationalisation... I have managed to remain no contact because of your videos. Thank you so much once again. Coverts are so perverse and their hoovering intense and full of love and victimisation. I got hoovered back 8 times before but now I know better and feel more informed and in control, although physically addicted still.
You are SO welcome Mariana and you are spot on sweetheart, your body is addicted to him and so to break that addiction you need tools to help you. Sweetheart have you signed up for the free 16 Day Recovery Course yet? because in there is a free ebook How to do No Contact and this will really help you www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse Love and blessings to you xoxox
I had to pause this video because I'm got very upset this is EXACTLY what happened to me...it's a good thing I got upset though because I'm awake not in denial and facing it all so I can start to heal...your videos are sssooo informative that I have to pause and take a deep breath and start it again so I can absorb register everything...I can honestly say when I'm stronger and healed out of this imprisoning state I would love to buy you a massive bouquet of flowers to say thank you very much...😊....I met both types and I found that with some both types existed within one person...wI also experienced that when triggered the overt would appear in those people and then the covert would be there too....vice versa in other people...I need to research and learn more about the different types of narcissists...but I feel and can honestly say I just can not trust people now anymore...I feel I would now be observing which one someone could be and feel that it's too much to even date someone...
I resonate with you so very much!! so glad to know I am not alone xx
I lost out on having a life for myself and making a life with someone else. Everything rI did revolved around the narcissist. 15 years went by and we didnt have 1 photo of us together because we had dine nothing together not even gone out to eat
I realized that I was simply fighting to save those as I attempted to save my mother who was suffering from abuse but yet in retrospect continued to engaged as she abused my support for her and turned on me once she was feeling better about herself.
I am getting some awareness with this video on how I played a part by attracting these type (because they can see me coming from a mile a way but also by allowing those type to take advantage of my need to take care of others instead of myself. I became somewhat of a co-dependent. I have had pretty long relationships and even a marriage based on these type of behaviors.
My goodness this video is so rewarding and I have been truly enlighten. I am now clearly understand the cycle in which I have been living my life. I am simply continuing the cycle that began with my mother - hoping to love someone who did not have enough self-esteem to love herself into loving me back once I proved my dedication and love from her. It did not work. She died not standing up from herself.
I need to continue the work on becoming whole myself so that I can recognize when I am falling into this cycle and immediately change the behavior until I am no longer operating from childhood pain.
Hi SharaRosie, how gorgeous you are recognising the part you play in all this - kudos to you hun! I've put together this playlist to help people to clear their susceptibilities to narcissists and I believe it may help you too sweetheart ruclips.net/video/-5_Oiu7RJoA/видео.html have a look through and be drawn to those that appeal. I hope they help and please do check out my free resources to help you further
www.melanietoniaevans.com/freecourse Love and blessings to you xoxox
Definitely covert in the current relationship. His ex (who we co-parented with) was a shining example of a malignant narc, the most brash & absurdly brazen individual I have ever met. His son, who is now an adult, is a mix. But the previous narc I was with was overt. My mother is both. Totally agree, covert is so stealth, it took me 17 yrs. to figure out what exactly was going in & you pretty much hit the nail on the head with the description. With the first narc I was able to identify & get out much more quickly. Thank you so much for doing what you do.
You are welcome, Dear Lady. It is my utmost pleasure to help you in any ways that I can. Love and blessings to you. xoxox
Thank you so much for this, it is just what I needed. I gave him all I had. My patience, trust, time, energy, and being left with an empty feeling, having no more to give to myself. Always tired, I thought I was depressed, but he was causing it. I gave up on my desire to do things for myself, intimacy and personal space. He used to say I don't seem happy and keep projecting this image on me that I am crazy and that is ok, he forgives me for it.
I suspect that my narcissist was a combination of overt and covert.
I was married to this person for 35 years. Over those years gradually problems escalated and at the end he made it clear to my son that he would be happy if I died. My health certainly was diminishing. I had constant back & stomach pain, my fingernails were breaking, my hair was falling out .....
He seemed fit and healthy, charging endlessly all over the countryside, mixing with low life people, including forming a firm and ongoing relationship with a prostitute on whom he lavished expensive gifts, paid for out of my assets as he had no personal income. He’d given up work 20 years prior and I continued to work.
Then suddenly he died. He could no longer get up to any more destructive mischief.
Ms Evans, when you said "something is not quite right..that led you here. A search on the internet trying to figure out WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?"
That statement sums up everything I now know about my ex fiance and covert Narcissist.
Thank you sooo much for sharing your experience and highly intelligent information. It is truly a blessing
Both. They even laughed about using their trauma and being a victim as a type of power.....Your RIGHT. This type of person can appear to be altruistic,quiet, nerdy, religious, and nice at first then the physco grandiose victim gets triggered against you ie Mask falls off. Out pops a jack in the box. Caretaking and sacrifice at the expense of our own risk and liability. You can lose your life and self being in a dysfunctional relationship with someone like this. Self care, using personal development, awareness, discipline of boundaries. Spending years trying to define what your dealing with in relationship is waste of time. Its like dealing with a sniper and someone using psychological warfare on you. Distancing ourselves from covert/overt narcissist, reviewing our faults and looking at getting our self back is the key. Keeping our promise to ourselves to find healthy relationship and live wisely is important.
Can't say thank you enough for the clarity. Characterics were spot on. I've experienced both, but now honoring my own wellbeing and peace. Good to know you offer these tools.
You are so welcome The HBomb. Keep thriving xoxox
Must've been a covert in my experience, because once the mask dropped, she was a totally different person. I knew her for years too.
Troy Carpenter it's incredible how different they become.
I must tell that this is the most complete, and comprehensive video which comprise all dimensions and aspects of the subject. I have watched more than 50 videos about this matter by the way, and this is the first time I am writing down on the comments section.
The covert narc I was with did subtle crazy making. Would say such odd things I couldn’t figure out just to get a reaction from me, then seemed baffled like I was just such a terribly insecure person. I couldn’t understand why he would say the things he said. He told me I would give him flashbacks to his sexual abuser, and tell me he had boundaries that if I crossed he had the right to assert himself. I was like “ huh”? I wouldn’t dream of crossing his boundaries, I was totally respectful and kind. If I had known then what I know now I would have seen he was setting it up so I looked like the abuser and he was a victim I couldn’t figure out what he was telling me. Made me extremely crazy. I ended up calling psychics to figure out what was going on with him. What a mess. He didn’t seem like the overt narcs I had known, only after discard did he truly show the overt narc he was or possibly sociopath. He became extremely ice cold to me in a matter of days and cut himself out of my life. Telling me he had to “ think about us. He told me he would gladly triangulate with his family again when I mentioned it was toxic. this from someone who acted psychologically sophisticated in many ways, he had been in therapy the last 20years, but really just knew the right things to say. Really did show subtle signs of being a narc but he also acted like an altruistic/spiritual person and I was confused. If I had known then what I know now I would have seen for sure.
When we were married I had a pretty good career going with my cosmetology I enjoyed it I was happy! he decided to buy a bar/restaurant and soon I had to quit my job in order to help him run it! he brought his brother into it (which is also 100% narcissistic) and the rest is history. I never got to go back to doing hair! I started doing everything for him and then soon I wasn’t working fast enough I wasn’t working hard enough and I ended up getting into a great big black hole!!
We were married for 38 years we separated for years ago now he’s promising me the world he wants me to come back to him he’s going to quit working so hard he’s going to be the man that I’ve never seen before it just all throws up red flags!!
I believe I was involved with a covert narc. My ex always complained about being anxious but never could say why. Always posting the best pics on social media. She always talked trash about almost everyone close to her but had a connection to them that was un breakable . I feel her pity parties where a means of misdirection to keep my attention on her. I don't feel I ever got the same amount of attention and effort in return that I put forward. I realize now that I never set any boundaries.
This is such a good description of covert narcassism, and I recognize many of these traits in experiences with my ex. I wonder if the covert narc behaviour is some kind of dysfunctional coping mechanism? The saddest part is, that I know there is a genuine, loving being in her, and for the most part, we'd shared quite a beautiful relationship.. In hindsight, those genuine aspects likely tempered and balanced the covert narc tendencies. That is, until she started trailing Prozac (for a side effect that was hoped to help with chronic pain). At the time I didn't know about covert narcissism. Nor did I know that SSRI's/SNRI's tend to have a negative impact on Dopamine & Oxytocin levels, with potentially devastating effects on emotional bonds (so much so, these drugs have come to be known as "marriage wreckers"!). Soon after, the covert narc tendencies won out. She'd also started seeing a psychotherapist, whom she managed to convince that she was a "people pleaser" and needed to be more selfish! I know for a fact that I'd been the "people pleaser" (with poor boundaries) in the relationship. This rapidly turned into manipulation, then betrayal (cheating), dumping (as soon as i tried to establish some boundaries), and stonewalling. She did admit to the manipulation & betrayal prior to stonewalling me. Over a year later, and I'm still piecing myself back together. I can totally relate to others who feel very cautious about entering into new relationships after these kinds of experiences. I loved that woman, thought we shared a deep connection with a high level of trust, and had considered her my best friend. The swiftness & ease with which she cast both our relationship, and our friendship into the weeds was shocking, and heartbreaking.
My ex husband was a covert, he did not show many of the covert qualities at all. Your video sums up why it was so difficult to leave him as it was all passive aggressive, bank handed and really difficult to detect. I tried explaining it to my best friend once before I knew what a narc was and I just could not accurately describe it. Almost like living in a fog. I am so happy to be away from him, I also feel bad for his new wife. He married her very quickly so I know she has no idea yet.
He did not show overt characteristics, I meant.