Loneliness: The silent killer, and how to beat it | Richard Reeves & more
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- Опубликовано: 7 сен 2024
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Three psychology and sociology experts, Robert Waldinger, Michael Slepian, and Richard Reeves come together in this compilation to discuss the psychology of loneliness and the way we can combat the “friendship recession.”
It’s 2024. It’s harder than ever to foster deep connections with others. Everyone feels like they’re missing out on friendships, and every day of isolation makes it even harder to escape the rut.
From keeping secrets to workism, these experts are unpacking why we feel lonely and suggesting the ways we can combat it. They encourage us to reach out, be vulnerable, and prioritize our relationships, reminding us that we are not alone in our struggle and that meaningful connections are within reach.
By following their advice, we can transform our social lives and experience the joy and fulfillment that come from true companionship. Understanding the root causes of our loneliness and actively working to build and maintain connections can help us break free from isolation and create a more connected, fulfilling life.
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About Robert Waldinger:
Robert Waldinger, MD is a Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, a practicing psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, and a Zen teacher and practitioner.
For the last two decades, Waldinger has been the director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development. This study, conducted over more than 85 years, has analyzed the entire lives of 724 families to determine the activities, behaviors, and dynamics that enhance a person’s life-long well-being. Waldinger has dedicated his career to examining these elements and discovering what brings true fulfillment to human existence.
He is the author of several books, including his most recent, The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Scientific Study of Happiness
About Michael Slepian:
Michael Slepian is the Sanford C. Bernstein & Co. Associate Professor of Leadership and Ethics at Columbia University. A recipient of the Rising Star Award from the Association for Psychological Science, he is the leading expert on the psychology of secrets and author of The Secret Life of Secrets. Slepian has authored more than fifty articles on secrecy, truth, and deception. His research has been covered by The New York Times, The Atlantic, The New Yorker, The Economist, The Wall Street Journal, the BBC, and more.
About Richard Reeves:
Richard V. Reeves is a senior fellow at the Brookings Institution, where he directs the Future of the Middle Class Initiative and co-directs the Center on Children and Families. His Brookings research focuses on the middle class, inequality and social mobility.
Richard writes for a wide range of publications, including the New York Times, Guardian, National Affairs, The Atlantic, Democracy Journal, and Wall Street Journal. He is the author of Dream Hoarders (Brookings Institution Press, 2017), and John Stuart Mill - Victorian Firebrand (Atlantic Books, 2007), an intellectual biography of the British liberal philosopher and politician.
Dream Hoarders was named a Book of the Year by The Economist, a Political Book of the Year by The Observer, and was shortlisted for the Goddard Riverside Stephan Russo Book Prize for Social Justice. In September 2017, Politico magazine named Richard one of the top 50 thinkers in the U.S. for his work on class and inequality.
A Brit-American, Richard was director of strategy to the UK’s Deputy Prime Minister from 2010 to 2012. Other previous roles include director of Demos, the London-based political think-tank; social affairs editor of the Observer; principal policy advisor to the Minister for Welfare Reform, and research fellow at the Institute for Public Policy Research. Richard is also a former European Business Speaker of the Year and has a BA from Oxford University and a PhD from Warwick University.
I’ve been told loneliness is bad, and for years I would feel terrible about it and depressed for almost a decade. I’ve embraced it now and am at peace.
Exactly ❤
I felt the same way watching this video. It seems we have a choice between maintaining a bunch of superficial, insincere relationships or spending time alone. Ironically, those who push hardest for "unity" and "community" often seem the most insincere, seeking validation from the group rather than genuine connection.
@@gamezswingerI believe that there are some happy people who enjoy improving their own well being, and they would rather inflict harm on some ostracised people than risk their own well being.
It’s all down to perception. For almost 36 years I thought I had to be this certain way to be likeable (the way my mother wanted me to be). This striving to be this person I’m not left me completely LONELY. Embracing myself can lead to less sense of lonliness
If you are at peace that is not loneliness.
That is solitude!
Change that sentence to " I feel solitude "
Never feel guilty 👊
Healthy diet, regular exercise, work-life balance, mindfulness practice, positive life attitude... General wellbeing is a multifaceted experience.
Could not agree more ❤🎉
You forgot magic mushrooms 🍄 💥🤗
@@boomerang0101 Did forget something important, not magic mushrooms, but the cultivation of virtues - love, forgiveness, generosity, understanding, compassion... A virtuous person never feels lonely.
So nothing spiritual or religious based? If you don’t believe in something higher and powerful then and you are using secular liberal materialistic lifestyle you will fail and become depressed and lonely 🤷🏾♂️. This is why suicide and depression is so much higher in western countries then third world religious countries, even though they may have more wars, hunger and natural disasters
@@paddy8888 those all are for the weak. Bunch of narcissistic mumbo jumbo.
Now i have heard at least three more times that my loneliness is as unhealthy as smoking and i wonder how this is supposed to help me.
No idea. Are they trying to get non-lonely people to see how serious this is and reach out to lonely looking people? Or to impress on lonely people how important it is to force ourselves to reach out?
It means that loneliness is something that should be taken very seriously, as seriously as dying from lung cancer if we don't stop smoking. Not doing something about our loneliness is pretty much the same as not doing something about our smoking habit. This time we know how dangerous loneliness is.
Smoking is something you can control. Loneliness is out of your control. That's why it's just better to let go and meditate.
@@LuisFlores-mc2tc You can do something about loneliness. You can make a consistent effort in reaching out. You can either start by watering the current relationships that you have, rebuild old connections or make new ones. There are even apps out there where you can meet and find new friends. Why do you think you cant do something about it?
Acknowledging that loneliness is a problem in your life can help lead you to change. I heard three big ideas in the video about what to do about this: 1) Identify secrets your keeping and share them with someone, 2) Invest in relationships with other people - cashiers count, 3) Make 3-4 close friends. There were a bunch of strategies of how to do these things in the video. I'm personally going to start with investing in relationships today.
If being alone is like smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, then being around people I hate is like smoking the exhaust pipe of a diesel truck.
It's loneliness, not necessarily being alone
Fully agreed!
It's even lonelier to be in contact with people that don't want you there. It easily erodes your instinctual, felt trust in people generally.
If people don't want your best, they're not good people to be with for anyone. They'll either put you down or keep you locked in your narcissistic world.
Okay u make a good point as long as u don't hate everyone
I don't meet people easily, I don't have much to say that is entertaining and draws people in. I am a homebody who doesn't drink alcohol, isn't religious, doesn't have kids, isn't into sports, and therefore there aren't many places or groups I can go where I MIGHT fit in.
How am I supposed to make friends when I have nothing to offer except friendship?
People want to be engaged, entertained, and they want to be given to so that they can take.
I can't do that for people and therefore, most people aren't interested in me.
I also tend to attract a certain type of person who ends typically ends up deciding I am not good enough for them, tries to change me, and then ends up leaving me.
I don't know how to change myself so that I attract a higher quality person who will treat me the way I want to be treated (ie normally).
We all know that "loneliness is the silent killer."
But most of us don't know how to fix ourselves so that we become desirable people to others so that they want to be friends with us and subsequently reduce our loneliness via friendships.
It's like saying "you need to get more sleep!" to a person who struggles with sleep, but the commenter has NO SUGGESTIONS about HOW to force the brain to sleep.
"We'll show you what the problem is but we cannot show you how to fix the problem."
Damn, right on the money! Can’t tell you how spot on this sensation.
I do think until people brought up to me that I probably have too much unconscious pride when trying to be more approachable in social situations, and they probably are right.
Not on social media, don’t have the most diverse hobbies, or talking points that may be funny.
It’s hard, and I know I need to fix something, but hard to do when a majority of the time, you only have yourself (and the ocean of mixed information as the internet) to give any guidance or plan on how to do so.
@@michaelmemory6938 Yes, it's definitely hard to fix something when you're so solo. (I have to fix my low self-worth, low self-respect, low confidence.....which is way more difficult when you have few relationships and few interactions to bounce these traits/changes off of, which is my case.) I was just at the mall today and I thought "I guess I need to practice making more eye contact with strangers so that maybe people will approach me." Because I NEVER get approached, flirted with, talked to, etc. My therapist says it's because I don't make eye contact with strangers. (Funny, because when people DO talk to me, I'm fully aware that I make TOO MUCH eye contact and that makes some people uncomfortable, so I have to consciously look away and seem distracted periodically....just to appear more like-others. LMAO)
I could not say better. Is exactly the same to me.
Nonsense. Everybody can be interesting. You just need to fix the way you accept other people.
"I also tend to attract a certain type of person who ends typically ends up deciding I am not good enough for them, tries to change me, and then ends up leaving me."
This goes both ways too.
I'm right with you on that. Except that I sometimes do go to church, am into sports, so technically I'm surrounded by friends or communities, but often I find myself being extremely uncomfortable and out of place. I'm envious of all those in those setting who seem to have everything together. It's true we don't see people's struggles, but some of them are my friends and I can definitely tell, when you're struggling so much to just carry on in life, that's where everything you say start to fall into place. I don't have anything to offer anyone because I myself am trying to find that thing to keep me going, therefore to avoid the pain, I'll just avoid people.
Y’all, it’s the way that western society works. I don’t feel lonely when I’m back in Nepal with people of my personality types and those willing to be friends with me. It’s the opposite in the U.S. where people are selfish, gatekeeper and are extremely judgemental. People display behavior that shut off others or make them feel bad about themselves.
I think you nailed it here. The fear of being harshly judged has impacted me from wanting to reach out and be vulnerable with others. The good thing is that because I've noticed this fear of being judged in myself, it now causes me to reflect on my life and see where I may have been judgmental of others in the past and really work on not being judgmental in the future going forward.
I am sorry about your experience. I grew up in the middle east but live in Europe for over a decade now. In my opinion the Western society here, at least, is way less judgmental and harsh. There you would be judged for personal choices, shamed, named, your reputation destroyed sometimes in a whole city because of something as ridiculous as having a boyfriend or not dressing modest according to them. I am in a way better mental place here that much more things are accepted and in general there is a sense of personal space.
I would much rather live in Europe than the U.S. tbh. Europe definitely is more outgoing, inviting and friendly as opposed to the Midwest where I live. I am also south Asian so the Nepalese born in the U.S. display very unfriendly and fake behavior as opposed to those in Nepal. You are right that middle eastern culture there can be what you described, and I’m sorry you felt that way.
Nailed it. 🎯
I met this American foreign student here in Kazakzhstan and was pushed away when I wanted to get to know him better 🤡
There's too much noise going on in this world.. everyone seems to have an opinion about anything and everything, but no one's listening intently or paying attention. It gets annoying I'd rather be in solitude, imo ✌️❤
I relate with this so much💯
Why would anyone listen when they know what they want to believe? Social media gives us a narrative to latch onto
I have been feeling lonely since I was 5 years old (I'm 35 now). I still remember the exact moment when I was waiting for my mom at kindergarten in the evening and realized that nobody understands me, and I feel like an alien among other people. Despite having friends and now a family with two children, I continue to feel a sense of existential loneliness throughout my life. Sometimes I think it's normal.
Are you on the spectrum?
@@ShimmySha it seems I'm not 😊 but I'm definitely a highly sensitive person
@@fossaflute, it is ABNORMAL, rather. However, that doesn't necessarily mean it is bad in any way.
@@fossaflute I feel like you too alot
I live with my parents and brother but i feel very lonely. The only joy i have is my beloved cat
We all come to this world alone and will pass away alone as well. To learn to deal with oneself to recognize being alone is a normative, and to develop ease and acceptance with aloneness is something we all need to learn in tihs journey of life.
we dont come to this world alone. Your mom gave birth to you so you come to this world with your mom holding you. I never understood that. About passing away you may pass away alone or with loved ones around depends on circumstances
Every time I hear that my loneliness is killing me but it just makes me more upset and anxious that I’ll never find someone
Thing is, one can’t be too desperate to find and meet people because that in itself is a repellant to most people. There’s a balance to be had and it is extremely hard to find people you are compatible with . Even harder if you are 30 years old or older
I believe you will find someone. Don't give up. Sometimes, it doesn't need much effort and thinking into finding frds. Let it be, in a natural way. ❤
Met all my friends After the age of 30 Probably because I learned to live myself and it helped me deal with others better
I'm here now.. i'm your Destiny. Don't let your destiny slip away. Will you allow me to come inside your Heart even if i'm not from Canada?
Being comfortable in Solitude is the Key to happiness because it's not healthy to be dependent on others.
I was mostly alone for 30 years - the last 10 were rough. I went to work and socialized for the first 20 but when I moved out of the area I worked my limited social life went to nothing and I became isolated. I could feel the weight and stress on my heart. I was pretty sure I would die from loneliness. Fortunately I met a woman 8 years ago - somehow the right woman - and we married soon after and the great weight on my heart was lifted.
To be honest i am a lonley person and it feels impossible to socialise with people because how rude people can be, but i still try sometimes because i wanna step out of my comfort zone 😅:)
I definitely get what you mean. Its about stepping out of your comfort zone and doing your best to maintain the relationships you already have
I've always been a silent person. It pisses the fuck out of people. Like if I've been missing for a single day, there would be no warrant of arrest. There would be no suspect to apprehend. I know this loneliness epidemic is serious and people need to take precautionary measures to ensure that this will be prevented more in the future.
I’m always told I’m the loudest, most outgoing, most talkative, most engaging person anyone has ever met. I could literally be kissing weeks before anyone would notice.
Truth is that overwhelming majority of people are irritating, boring or draining to be with.
I dont have "friendship" loneliness, thankfully. I have "romantic relationship" loneliness.
Its better to be single than being with a person just out of loneliness
I think of it in a positive way: it's better to be with good people than with those who make you feel lonely when you're with them
@@dreas9236 thats not really being positive. that's just a general fact. Its like saying, its better to have money than to be poor. yeah no duh
I can relate, it’s okay there are lots of people and possibilities all around us
@@MuiKaHo jep but i don´t understand the no-brainer: "Its better to be single than being with a person just out of loneliness"
it´s make no sense for me. Sounds like: it would be worse if it were worse
I've lived alone for the last 15+ years and it's the happiest I've ever been. I'm saving my butt off so I can retire as soon as possible so I don't even have to interact with people on a daily basis. Being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want, without anyone criticizing me, judging me or making fun of me is the best life there is. Loneliness is my best friend.
That's not loneliness. Thats solitude. The difference is whether you feel in control of ending your isolation. You clearly do. Others WANT connection but feel powerless to obtain it. Loneliness, not solitude, is he'll.
We've stood by and crafted a society dependent on isolation and individualism and then we're being sold cures for loneliness. Madness.
Covid lockdowns also added to this 👍
I’m alone but not lonely.
On the flipside, one can never truly find themselves unless they spend a lot of time by themselves alone.
As a third culture kid (aka TCK) and introvert, I have first-hand experience of paying the high price of loneliness from social loss with my mental health and subjective quality of life.
Since childhood (now in my mid-twenties), I relocated nearly every other year between states, countries, and even continents. Unlike many stronger-willed and extroverted folks, I've struggled to "suck it up" and move on with my life because these changes started early in life, were largely outside my control, and occurred more abruptly and frequently than any introverted child with an underdeveloped brain could realistically digest alone.
Like a rotting wound that never fully healed, each move felt too short to create stable and jovial connections with my difficulties discerning the blue tint that tainted my outlook on new people with impending pain. This kept old biases intact and posed me as a distant/shallow or intensely invested stranger.
I am slowly coming to terms with these biases with a combination of long-term practices that include, but aren't exclusive to 10+ years of therapy, TCK friends, climbing communities, and a touch of blind faith in the meaningless canvas of life.
On the bright side, I deeply hope cases like mine could brew more holistic questions about better understanding corroborating factors and it's weight to subjective loneliness such as sense of control, timing, frequency, socio-cultural context, and personality.
One thing I noticed while traveling is that if you’re lonely in Europe or South America you can take a walk and be surrounded by people. Same with public transportation. More third places are available because lack of Euclidean zoning. The housing and minimum parking requirements for business helped GM and Exxon lobby but damaged the old cities and people interaction
I lived alone I'm the Mountians for 10 years. It was awesome. After 2020, my mistrust for people was reinforced. I'm not lonley, my dog is better companion than pretty much everyone .
I'm single sinds 2009. Never wanted a relationship again. Not because I hate it, I just don't have the time. I have my daily work, my hobbies and evening classes. I have a good understanding with my family and I meet friends quite regularly. I'm okay. 😊
You don't need to be in a romantic relationship.. just keep your friends and family close and make younger friends along the way.
Everyone in my family lives to at least 95, some of their spouses had died 30 years earlier, but they were all happy, healthy, and loved till their last breath.
My grandmother's best friend was a 16 year old boy who loved to go swimming with her daily and she taught him how to cook. They were good friends till she passed away.
Her words of advice to me?
Make friends with young people along the way. 🥰
@Gus_Magnus sounds sad, doesn't need to be. I have hobbies that take me out the door. Or definitely keep me in contact with people. E.g. Music academy, Language courses.
@Gus_Magnus As I said. I have friends and family, I can't speak for others, but I won't feel alone.
@Gus_Magnusyou don't make bonds to have a caregiver. Do you feel the same about children? Wrong as well.
@Gus_Magnus it is not guaranteed that your people will help you. Even your child won't help you. There are lots of cases.
I pulled myself away just because I'm a bit sensitive. Lost a few friendships due to - friends moving to new countries, them getting married and not being about much, and sometimes just falling out over a mean comment.
And with love and sex, when I was in my 20s it was great and it was fun, but now I push 40 I have battle wounds. I've loved and lost and had silly flings that were fun at the time but left me slightly empty. Now I dont care for cheap sex, but would love to love, but have so many barriers up.
A normal person can self isolate just because they've been through things and find they would rather be a stable 5 then dance between an 8 and a 2 on the mood scale.
Wish there was a way for all us lonely people to meet each other.
Imagine having +-50k friends on all social media platforms and still be lonely😮. Yep that's reality of this so called modern world.
Those are not friends. They're contacts. That's like saying "trace your family tree back far enough and you'll see how many relatives you have. How can you be lonely with such a big family?"
@@llIlIlllII nice analogy
I will buy myself flowers.
I will take myself out to dinner.
I will hold my own hand.
Yeah but is sad I been doing that for myself but we need that other human validation.
The words' definitions are resolute and acceptant, but the phrasing and punctuation you used seem to have a sense of depression. Are you okay?
@@FireyDeath4 The topic reminded me of a Miley Cyrus song.
It lyrics of a song😎😁😂
I will take my self dancing 🎵
Bible study class replaces loneliness with peace. Peace in Christ surpasses all understanding. Thanks Lord for your salvation
While loneliness is bad I have also come to find in my now 38 years of existence that most people are liars and narcissistic and it would be far worse to be in their company!
Same thing is with me....!
Physical touch is still underrated in our societies. You can feel isolated around your "closed ones" if you barely have physical contacts.
Pets can help some people about that, and I am pretty sure a lot of people adopt them because they lack human touch in the first place.
Not everybody wants to be touched by just anybody, tho.
I feel that
Well, duh. Touch is only appreciated if you've got the right bond with someone. Hence why people become touch starved.
100%. I am touch starved.
@@katrinaemily6601 go touch yourself then 😜
Being alone doesn't have to be terrible. I have been by myself completely for 3 years. It's been very good for me. It's not forever. I won't sacrifice my time alone to be with just anyone. I'll start meeting people when the time is right.
Ashamed of our secrets
Alone with it
Choosing to be alone with something...
Sharing a secret with another person is a profound act of intimacy and that's how you become known....that's the revelation.
Confiding a secret is how you become known....talking about it with someone else is so beneficial
I only feel loneliness in the United States. The second I step out of the country, the loneliness dissipates. It's like a curse or something. I know a lot of people here but I can't connect. When I'm in Europe or Latin America, I can make friends with the person next to me at the train station, bank, restaurant, church and feel a connection. I don't understand it.
This is very true! I’ve lived in both Mexico City and Barcelona. Never felt lonely. In the U.S. you can have “friends”, colleagues and still feel so disconnected from people and society in general. The individualistic culture that is embedded in US society is so damaging to the human spirit. I have been reconnecting with my teen friends bc making friends as an adult here is not really possible
@@Becky_Cal The happiest I've ever been was in Spain. I was there for a while during my college years taking a break from the Parisians (I was in Paris learning French). The Spaniards have a happy-go-lucky attitude to life that I found so endearing. I felt at home there, like I belonged. Unfortunately, I ran out of dollars and had to return to the States, eventually.
True
Have you been to north europe
Fact is: there's not a lot of good people out there. Most will be scammers and vultures and egotists and plain garbage. So "making yourself vulnerable" is like asking to be taken advantage of. I've had to learn the hard, hard way. So if you don't have "friends" it's probably for the better. In fact, if someone acts extremely "friendly" from the get-go then it's best to be suspicious. What this vid should really do is show you how to have a garbage-radar.
Loneliness has found me my whole life, everywhere, bars and cars, sidewalks, stores, everywhere. There is no escape. I'm god's lonely man
Yeah, even in church.
It's rather ironic, when we're surrounded by insincere people, and we choose to distance ourselves, we then lose relationships, albeit, negative ones. Empathic confidants are difficult to find. On another note, superficial interactions that so-called "extend our life" can hinder the development of strong social bonds and trust necessary for collective action. Casual encounters often revolve around consumerist activities, such as shopping, dining out, weddings, birthday parties, sweet sixteens, or discussing the latest products. This perpetuates a consumer culture that prioritizes material acquisition and consumption over social and economic justice....
I learned to get rid of loneliness by learning to view other people as threats. You never feel lonely by being away and disconnected from your threats
Yeah, they do threaten your peace….
Thanks Lord for your peace
I was happy with being alone for days and days but I lost this in the past couple of years. Wish I could go back to it easily.
Loneliness is only an epidemic for Extroverts. As a true introvert I have never experienced loneliness. I'm not saying that I haven't had times in my life when I was more alone than other times, but as an introvert my reaction to being alone and having more alone-time than normal has always been to become more creative/productive. When I look back on these episodes of my life I feel good about them.
Zen Buddhism says that there is no one here but you. The people you see are a dream, a hologram of your consciousness.
There's lack of trust and a desperate look for a sense of belonging.
I've lived in the US for 35+ years. I moved from Canada and had no trouble finding and having friends there. Here, everyone is at arms length. Land of the free and home of the afraid. I've connect with neighbors online who keep saying, we should get together, so I make arrangements and then they back down. 35+ years I've experienced this. It seems very superficial here. Everyone says the right words but a true connection just never develops. I still have many of my Canadian friends and we speak often on the phone or on facebook, but in all these years I have one true friend who now lives in another state. I'm an outgoing person, positive attitude, no bs, no drama, but it's like pulling teeth with Americas. You're all too afraid to make new friends.
The irony is that people often make me feel more lonely and disconnected.
Spend most of my life on the road old style....we are born and come into this incarnation alone we are actually always alone and passover alone......stop trying to figure out this so called dilemma at the level of the problem..any problem.... start to ask who is this me, this I, who is lonely..never answer as that is the I ..ego just hold still...daily continue this enquiry, ..... let the work begin....
Here's the thing: I would rather deal with a lifetime of loneliness than have to spend a lifetime struggling to form relationships with people who end up not wanting or accepting my particular style of vulnerability, personality, or way of being. I wish there would be more videos on the harm that comes from ostracizing and rejecting other human beings. Good grief.
Never in my life have I felt lonely. I can’t even imagine what it might feel like. Never have been depressed….. feeling frustrated has been a normal part of my life because of losing things (ADHD). We are not talking “ normal level ADH” , but to the point of being learning disabled. After finally get meds in my 50’s , I can say that it feels good to have the peace in my life.
Meanwhile I cannot imagine what it’s like to not be able to imagine feeling lonely or depressed.
I feel lonely every day and it's sad.. I'm sad sometimes .. crying in my bed... wondering..
Connections with routine strangers can be meaningful and influential on our emotional states IF/WHEN there is a foundation of closer relationships and/or even memories of past relationships that are no longer current that were person-centered…meaning the relationship was between two people who knew each other well. As for secrets that isn’t always choosing to be alone it is a way of preserving relationships too.
Comment section is littered with people seemingly justifying isolating themselves.
If you are lonely you know the specific feeling it creates and you know yourself, or can figure out how much you need to connect with others to feel fulfilled. Going into denial is an option or figuring out how to connect with self and others is another option. Second path is hard, but makes life easy, first path is easy, but makes life hard.
Really sad to see all these people preaching never-ending solitude as if that's the best way to live. Introverts, I understand. But the undesirables... God, I hope they get better soon.
To be honest with life. I prefer to be alone most of the times. I acknowledge that i antisocial. I want to be dead. But to be honest, my life is way better this way rather than being with people who makes me feel drained and lonely inside.
Be picky about with whom you are vulnerable
In the Zen tradition, meditation beats the loneliness, and strengthens attention and intent...
Even when not 'Lonely' focus your attention on the intent to build mental awareness through intent...:)
This is why I feel 'lonely' at Mensa meetings...:)
You have no idea what you are talking about
@UrSturdyWing
You don't know me, so your 'criticism' is psychologically projected (do you know what that means?).
You don't have any 'Idea' of what I said...lol
@@thomasdowe5274 meditation doesn’t beat loneliness. Sure it can lead to self acceptance and compassion but it won’t help you gain more connections sitting meditating all day. I’ve just came back from a 7 day zen retreat so I’m not projecting, it’s my experience. And I feel I have a responsibility to correct you because although meditation is great, encouraging one to be more insular when they likely already are (by virtue of clicking this video) sets up a potentially harmful situation.
Mediate, but please know it’s not your sole way out of suffering and loneliness
Yeah, that's an experience I also made. I had the experience of feeling less lonely through yoga. It builds connection with yourself, and there's also a sort of... collective, unity, or greater power to connect to when meditating. I'm just realizing... loneliness gets better with connection, and worse with disconnection. But if you disconnect from yourself with others, that's when you feel lonely.
Bible study class replaces loneliness with peace. Peace in Christ surpasses all understanding. Thanks Lord for your salvation and peace
Every video you make is a learning experience. Brilliant work!
Thank you so much. I enjoyed this video immensely! Now I can put a name to what I'm feeling, its loneliness😢
This was amazing, I would recommend that people watch this video more than once, it's a lot.
These little social interactions are so underestimated. A few months ago, I felt lonely, not having anything to give to this world and just existing. I started to have friendly talks with cashiers or other staff when I got my nicotine or lunch. It made such a huge difference, especially when people give that interaction back. I now feel less lonely and more like a functioning adult doing adult socializing. Suddenly I felt less lonely, I felt like a person, and I also realized that you don't need a ton of friends to not feel lonely.
One thing my dad told me was that others feel the same. They all think the same about others and everybody is afraid to make that move.
I am an equal introvert/extrovert which makes connections easier to make but have no idea where or how people meet other potential friends-mates anymore. Bars? No. Dances? What Dances. Personal Ads? All gone. Dating Apps? That's a young persons game. Its a baffling world for those of us who've aged out of what we knew as the dating scene. Its like the default in our world is lonely and that those with good sound fulfilling relationships are the exceptions.
the suffering start when we think want somethings and not getting it. Happiness could be achieve by not thinking that we want things, even social connections,... just a though out loud.
Honestly I feel loneliest when I'm in modern society but when I go to nature I feel so connected
Antitote to being lonely, be useful. I live alone, no friends, no gf, no family. I love it. I remember when i was married and as I felt trapped and a shell of myself. Theres just as mamy peope who feel like this today. Whats worse is being miserable and feelimg trapped.
The two months that I spent after I resigned in a remote city from my hometown has been a very unforgettable experience in my whole life. With no friends no relatives，I almost lost and hope for my future.
I really don't know if it's one of my problems with my ADHD or its as normal as any other person's experience or it's one of those childhood trauma's experiences or what! But what really hurts me is my problem with wanting social relationships so bad and the desire to running away from them at same time. Exactly like that dialog in "Alice in wonderland " where she says ((I make friends with others and then suddenly I can't bear be with any of them))
So mostly my life passes between wanting to open the door and fear of the open door. This is what really hurts and I can't open up about. I can't confess my feelings towards others cause I never know when I want to leave everything and everyone . I can't let myself abuse others just because at times my loneliness kills me.
I'm also diagnosed, and your experience is familiar. What do you think is in your fear?
This is an important video, thank you
I literally feel like a ghost at this point... I used to get bullied when I was little and I thought it would stop when I grow up. But now that I'm an adult, the physical and verbal bullying transformed into subtle and psychological bullying. Its my 3rd year in college and I don't have any friends. Poeple just seem to exclude me and don't acknowledge my existence. Everybody has their own groups and they don't want to include or talk to somebody else. Wherever I go, I feel like I'm invisible.
I see you :)
@@dianas-space Wow, someone actually read my comment and talked to me 🙂 Thank you very much!
@@ramsaybolton6405 You'll find your people eventually. I tell myself that too, they're out there. We'll find each other.
@@dianas-space I really hope so. Thank you very much for your kind words, they mean so much :)
🫂
i have no friends !! the people in touch, only try to force drinking and make fun of my vulnerabilities.
Too many people in the comment section are confusing loneliness and being alone. They are not the same at all. You can be around people and still feel lonely and vice versa. Lonliness is about a lack of connection.
People will let you ruin your health through cigarettes. It only affects you. Relationships need another person. You as an individual cannot force another to have a relationship with you, no matter its nature. People will often tell you "you're not entitled to X or Y". Since we are not entitled to the time and appreciation of another person, men, in majority, will keep suffering from loneliness.
Likelihood Relationship And Healthy Connections Really Make Sense Upon Present Day Complex Uncertain World … Reconnecting Socially
Also - Lonely people make better customers! Because they will keep trying to buy happiness. Do companies actually want to help you make friends? even those that claim to?
Just float along.
You won't be alone.
We are all going down the same road.
Loneliness will be defeated when asking for help or being kind to others will no longer be seen as a sign of weakness and neediness.
Dennis spent 27 years in solitary confinement in a US prison.
And me? I worry about people not talking to me and feeling lonely.
_In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you._ ―Attributed to Siddhartha Gautama (the Buddha)
*_1_* There is a big difference between _loneliness_ and _aloneness._ The self moves in loneliness; love moves in aloneness; when love is, the self is not.
*_2 Without love and sense of humor there is unhappiness and life is meaningless._* 💕☮🌎🌌
Loneliness is not the only factor that determines mental health. Maybe social interactions and relationships.
We ALL experience loneliness. Everyone at Woodstock Nation knows the ONLY thing worse than being lonely when you are alone is being LONELY WHEN YOU ARE SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE. that hurts.
For most of my grade school career, I was in special education due to being withdrawn. Suffice it to say, I adapted to present a more personable demeanor and have no problem attracting conversation or initiating conversation. However, I much prefer my own company.
I was fortunate enough to match with a Japanese woman 15 years ago who shares my apprehension for socializing and if left to our own devices, we would not interact with the world. Our daughter was diagnosed as autistic and is as adverse to social interaction as her parents.
I think these days, many only value romantic relationship, not friendship, not kinship. Many don't understand other relationships are also important.
Never had any friends all my life, never felt lonely too. I don't have a clue what this video is speaking. I am 32 now.
I don't fit in anywhere and when I try people push me away. My so called friends disappeared once I became a parent and they left and when I tried making friends with other mom friends they already have their own circle so I choose to stay alone and be alone because I don't fit in
I'm experiencing the same thing. Its my 3rd year in college and I don't have any friends. I had a few "friends" in the 1st year but they just stopped talking to me and excluded me without any reason. People just have their own groups and they don't want to include somebody else. Its really depressing.
appreciate Great advice! Thank you for video
I quite like being in solitude. You can do whatever you want; have quality time. Nothing is perfect in life romantic relationships aren’t either. I think finding purpose is a good motivator. And being in solitude you can find yourself more than others in general.
This makes me believe that technology and better upward mobility has exposed that people in the past never actually had bonefide friends. They were just more dependent on people for safety, assistance.
Thanks Lord for your peace
Bible study class replaces loneliness with peace. Thanks Lord for your salvation
Lonely it's a silent killer and it's in the mind set... Very dangerous
.
I wonder how many people who feel loneliness or disconnected are the same people who pull out their phone cameras as soon as something exciting happens
Professional help is good but not for loneliness.Been there and back to having to solve myself by trying to meet decent people.Too many toxics.
I keep to myself because it has been repeatedly shown to me that a great majority of people are deceitful, manipulative, liars and I want nothing to do with any of that.
True. Just their presence drains your energy.
Better Help is one of the worst healthcare companies out there, even employees get treated poorly. I love this channel but seeing this sponsor apparel here makes me disappointed....
Tackling loneliness, if I ever feel like it, by foregoing solitude is never gonna happen.
I'll get a dog.
"my loneliness,
is killing me"
- Britney
Drop BetterHelp!
I'm Asperger to me everything seems to be more difficult when is related to make friends or be around people. Evebody knows is not healthy be alone and felling lonyless, actually this video did not bring any solution 😢
I also have Aspergers and I know exactly how it feels...
This is allot more common with American families such as white and black households as Americans are more independent/ individualism of a culture. Most cultures are very tight bound with families such as Asian,Indian, European and Latinos, African. The American culture prides its self in independence and this is one of the effects with it as well.
Loneliness may be from simply not being your own best company.
Be good to yourself, don't mess with yourself, and love yourself and you will love being by yourself.
You have to love yourself first before you can love others and others can love you.
I'm really at my best when I'm alone. People are overrated anyways. A lot of them are foolish anyways and full of nonsense.
Oh, give me a break. No one owes anyone else anything at all. Stop looking for happiness in others. It's actually inside of you. You don't need others at all.
I can't get enough of loneliness. Sick of how the world is dominated by the extravert dogma.
As a solitude-loving person I can definitely empathise with that. Friendship and contact, but in small measured doses. On the other hand, I sometimes feel overwhelmed by unsolicited and unwelcome communication directed at me, especially commercial ads that assume attitudes and behaviors that are alien to me.
@@fburton8 at this point I'm not even interested in friendships because friends are rare. I've no energy to waist on acquaintances neither do I care for contact. I'm not antisocial at all but I like me and my animals :)
@Gus_MagnusSure, and a few unhealthy behaviors as well! 😉
@sofiakangas8796Yes, being alone (solitude) is quite different from being lonely (loneliness).
'Loneliness' and 'being alone' are two very different things...
You can be lonely in a crowd of people or perfectly content alone with a good book.
So loneliness is a state you chose to be in or not? So, if I convince myself that I need other people around me to validate my existence, I’m lonely? So, if I don’t require people to validate my feelings and emotions, I’m not lonely?
Updating my response from 2 months ago; loneliness helps you delve into peace with yourself. If you feel lonely with yourself you’ll always chase someone else’s happiness and never feel happy with yourself
In my opinion, Robert Waldinger hits it when he talks about the sense of being less connected to other people than someone wants it. I don´t wish to feel connected to other people - no matter if they are good or not. For that, I don´t know how loneliness really feels. Some complain about the superficial nature of some contacts. For me, it´s beneficial as it helps me to keep others at a distance.
Accepting BetterHelp as a sponsor pretty much instantly destroys your credibility.
Exactly my thoughts, internet revolution happened in last 20 years and our brain didn’t have enough time to evolve, we are becoming more isolated bcs of this , and they are suggesting online therapy, where our brain could only understand real time physical interaction…. I never thought Bigthink would do this
@@abhishekcp2024 The problems with BetterHelp run much, much deeper than that.
Would you prefer if they didn't take the sponsorship and didn't make videos?
@@MrCharkteeth would you mind reading what you just wrote 😂😂😂
@@MrCharkteeth Yes.
Disagree , keep your secrets and be safe . Loneliness is much better than making yourself vulnerable and losing your hope and trust .people use your secrets against you at anytime. Do not trust anyone do not share all of you with anyone. You don’t need to share your secrets in order to be not lonely .
Who hurt you?
Absolutely agree that you don't need to share your secrets to beat loneliness.
Disappointed that they did a better help sponsor without doing research on them but big thinks content is better than most channels rn so I'll let it slide