Let me know below: have you had trouble forgiving yourself for past mistakes? With trusting that you'll learn from the past? Or with not living in the past? Share your experiences and takeaways below, and download the guide for extra resources to help you process these experiences and thoughts: www.terricole.com/cant-forgive-yourself-for-past-mistakes-guide
How do you deal with the regret of being honest and losing a friendship because of it. I guess you learn who people are when you realize you can't speak or be your authentic self. Painful but a "gem of wisdom" as you say. 💖
I think you hit the nail on the head, Birdie! It is so difficult, but if the alternative was an unfulfilling friendship where you had to hide your authentic self, I think staying friends might have brought on more regrets. It sounds like mourning the friendship might help. 💕
What happens when you have so much regrets in your life you get intrusive thoughts that make you talk out loudly to yourself to try shut off the thoughts... Like you scream or say something that's so absurd that someone listening could swear you are mad.
In that case, I would recommend seeking professional help if therapy is accessible to you ❤️ You can still try some of the tips I offer (journaling through it, gently telling yourself you're already processing it so there's no need to ruminate), but having a therapist to unpack it with will likely provide more help.
I seriously feel I couldn't come to an understanding unless I can get away from everything, alone to read, write, work, and just become comfortable with myself.
My mind has become so automatic, quick and sharp at showing me the most, sudden and strikingly-vivid memories, as if I'm living them in the very present at their worst fraction of a second. I think what I'm dealing with is a little bit off the charts because i feel like i get electrocuted. My whole body flinches or jolts whenever i have a few seconds to myself where I'm not distracted by something. My earliest memory in life is of me as a baby, before i could walk, where my mother placed a little toy music box next to my head. I immediately knocked it with my arm, it fell on the floor. My mother picks it up to wind it up again and replay the melody only to find out that it broke. My life is filled with memories that i don't want to remember. I wouldn't even call it regret because i don't know what i would've done differently. I survived addiction and a near death experience. but I've been chronically ill and in a general state of deep fear most of my life. That's what war, PTSD and endocrine disruptors do to a human being. I am 40 now and dealing with an illness that is extremely difficult to deal with. I'm often met with... Disgust... Control...It's unlikely that i have the opportunity to change things anymore and I'm dependant on the very people that robbed me of life's magic. I've been trapped in a room for over a year, in this body, with this mind and i don't know why i should own any of it. I still like to watch your videos as i vicariously feel a sense of serenity and.. Perhaps a sense of justice... from you and a group of people watching you attempting to heal themselves and others. Thank you
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and holding space for your feelings around this 💕 Please know that I have a list of free mental health resources on my website here if you feel in need of support- there are crisis lines available: terricole.com/gethelp I am glad to hear my videos give you some sense of serenity. Sending love and strength ❤️
I have had moments when I spoke to myself and said, " Stop blaming yourself for information you didn't have. Now, if you knew better and did something anyway, then shame on you."
Yes- I find that most of the time, we're making decisions as best we can with the information and support we have available at the time. That compassion is important. 💕
I'd certainly be interested in your new book, Terri. I got a lot out of 'Boundary Boss' so I'm sure this one will be amazing too. The thing is I definitely do classify myself as somebody who has codependent traits but I would not describe myself as being 'high-functioning'.That's way too flattering a term for me. More like partially functioning or barely functioning but I definitely do relate with the codependency part!
Thought I share the takeaways and insights from this painful subject and video. ✅Get curious about your regrets without being judgemental. Regrets are often "smaller traumas". ✅We have to PROCESS the regret to move on and change- ruminating- into a deeper understanding as why, why it happens in the first place. Not an excuse but a motive. ✅We can use our regrets to learn from the past and do better in the future. Psychological explanation of regrets. ✅We need to be compassionate with our mistakes and remind ourselves that we did what WE KNEW in that particular situation, learn from it (as difficult as it might seem) and move on~ using regrett as data point~to do things differently. 🙌🤗 Wondering if ruminating is a coping strategy to the error/mistake (in question)..by allowing this thoughts and emotions to go round and round in one's mind..somehow?! I'm glad to say that I have now pre-ordered your new book, and I am looking forward to learn more about this exhausting problem of being in co-dependency relations and the ongoing cycle of thinking/behaving/doing/ feeling over and over ...Too Much. Many thanks Terri. 💕
Thank you for sharing those takeaways and for pre-ordering Too Much! 💕 Yes- it does feel like rumination is a kind of coping mechanism... like if we think about mistakes/situations endlessly, it somehow makes the situation 'better'. Like we're sort of 'proving' something to ourselves by forcing ourselves to re-live it, or at the very least, punishing ourselves because we believe we deserve that.
I’m going away to college soon and I can’t stop thinking about my regrets and mistakes I’ve made every time I forgive myself for one another one pops up
Try downloading the guide I linked to in the pinned comment and video description and trying the exercises I recommend ❤️ Otherwise, if therapy is accessible to you at all, I recommend unpacking these thoughts with a professional.
Dealing with this problem at the moment. Going on a month post break up and I just keep replaying the stuff I did the day she broke up with me and everything else I’ve done in the relationship. I feel like shit and I just can’t stop hating myself. It’s so hard on me to forgive myself.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and hoping you can find forgiveness in yourself 💕 I have this video specifically on how to move on from a breakup and how to stop blaming yourself: ruclips.net/video/gig4uJ-O0M8/видео.html
How do you stop feeling regret for the loss of a pet? One of my cats ran away and I didn't look for him right away so I never found it, and another cat died because she ate some threads from our house's curtains and even when she got surgery she didn't make it and she was in so much pain before dying. Two of my dogs passed away because we didn't know that their uterus could get infected if not sterilized. I was their mom, I feel like I let them know and I'm a failure. I just want to know they're somewhere safe and they forgave me somehow.
I'm witnessing you with so much compassion and sending you love ❤️❤️ That is so hard. In your dog's case, you mentioned that you didn't know- that is at the crux of a lot of this. We didn't know better, and with hindsight, we believe we should have. But we didn't, and we can't go back and change what we knew at the time. We have to believe that we did the best we could and make the right decision with the information we had at the time. These are very difficult lessons, but with them comes the knowledge of how to better care for any future pets you might have. You may also need to take time mourning the loss of these pets. Honor their memory, acknowledge all the ways you did right by them, not just the wrong. By processing the entire experience, when those thoughts of regret come up, you can do what I mentioned in the video and say, "Onto the next thought." You don't need to ruminate anymore because you know you did the work (or are doing the work) to process it and make sure these things don't happen again. I hope that helps ❤️
I am in a mental storm at the moment,have or not have children. Although I lean towards not having,my husband desperately wants a child. Should I defend the fact that i most probably not want or just stay and take the chance? How I know that i won't regret it afterwards?😢
That's a difficult decision that only you can make ❤️ Before making any decision, I would advise thinking through what your life and future together might look like with kids, and tune in to how you feel and how your body responds. If you have friends or relatives with kids, ask them about their actual lived experiences with parenthood. You can also ask your husband what future he's envisioning, to see if your visions align. (Do you want to raise your kids the same way, with the same techniques? Are you on the same page about their education? Are you thinking about family vacations while he's dreaming of life on a farm?) If your visions don't align, that's something you'll need to figure out. Another Q to consider: when things get rough with parenthood (and they do), will you be able to function as a team together? After that, think about a future without your husband (if this is a dealbreaker for him) and without kids. What comes to mind? How do you feel about it? You can journal about all of this, too. You have a right to not want kids, and your husband has a right to want them. It's possible to love each other but not be on the same page about this, and only you two can decide how to move forward with that. I hope this was helpful ❤️
Thank you @@terri_cole for the time dedicated to answer my message! It really warms my heart ❤There are fertility issues on his side so I have to undergo treatment in order to have a child BUT(and that's big one) I am not doing my best physically and mentally. I have diabetes type 1, I used to have perfect control of blood sugars until my binge eating and depression appeared. I put on weight which I try to ditch,mainly for health reasons. I have always been a normal weight person for my height and now I have 8kg more from my binge eating disorder. As you see it's all linked. I feel bad about myself and how I turned to be towards food. I don't think I am in the right position to bring another creature to the world, still the whole situation causes me so much distress..
I am witnessing you with compassion 💕 I know you mentioned you're in therapy, which I am glad to hear. Is this something you've been able to discuss with your therapist? Regardless, I still think it's your right to feel the way you feel about having kids, and I would hope that your husband could be understanding and patient while you think it through.
I am on the process of discussing it with my therapist and she has the same approach as you@@terri_cole. My husband is patient,from my side I understand that a decision has to be made and not letting the subject unsolved which can cause resentment.
If he is willing to be patient, I would consider giving yourself some grace to lessen the pressure you feel ❤️❤️ Give yourself the same patience. What I've found in situations like this is that sometimes we're afraid to face the truth of how we feel because of what it might mean for our relationship. And when we give ourselves some space to breathe, it can create space for other possibilities, too. We can also make a decision and not act on it right away- we can sit with it and see how it feels. (I don't mean sitting on it for years and years, of course, but even a few weeks can make a difference!) It sounds like your therapist is kind and caring and I'm glad you have that support behind you as you navigate this. ❤️
Let me know below: have you had trouble forgiving yourself for past mistakes? With trusting that you'll learn from the past? Or with not living in the past? Share your experiences and takeaways below, and download the guide for extra resources to help you process these experiences and thoughts: www.terricole.com/cant-forgive-yourself-for-past-mistakes-guide
How do you deal with the regret of being honest and losing a friendship because of it. I guess you learn who people are when you realize you can't speak or be your authentic self. Painful but a "gem of wisdom" as you say. 💖
I think you hit the nail on the head, Birdie! It is so difficult, but if the alternative was an unfulfilling friendship where you had to hide your authentic self, I think staying friends might have brought on more regrets. It sounds like mourning the friendship might help. 💕
What happens when you have so much regrets in your life you get intrusive thoughts that make you talk out loudly to yourself to try shut off the thoughts... Like you scream or say something that's so absurd that someone listening could swear you are mad.
In that case, I would recommend seeking professional help if therapy is accessible to you ❤️ You can still try some of the tips I offer (journaling through it, gently telling yourself you're already processing it so there's no need to ruminate), but having a therapist to unpack it with will likely provide more help.
Yes I do replay things and cringe 😢
I see you, Cheryl ❤️
@@terri_coleI email you about my issue
I seriously feel I couldn't come to an understanding unless I can get away from everything, alone to read, write, work, and just become comfortable with myself.
That is such a valid feeling ❤️
My mind has become so automatic, quick and sharp at showing me the most, sudden and strikingly-vivid memories, as if I'm living them in the very present at their worst fraction of a second. I think what I'm dealing with is a little bit off the charts because i feel like i get electrocuted. My whole body flinches or jolts whenever i have a few seconds to myself where I'm not distracted by something.
My earliest memory in life is of me as a baby, before i could walk, where my mother placed a little toy music box next to my head. I immediately knocked it with my arm, it fell on the floor. My mother picks it up to wind it up again and replay the melody only to find out that it broke.
My life is filled with memories that i don't want to remember. I wouldn't even call it regret because i don't know what i would've done differently. I survived addiction and a near death experience. but I've been chronically ill and in a general state of deep fear most of my life. That's what war, PTSD and endocrine disruptors do to a human being. I am 40 now and dealing with an illness that is extremely difficult to deal with. I'm often met with... Disgust... Control...It's unlikely that i have the opportunity to change things anymore and I'm dependant on the very people that robbed me of life's magic. I've been trapped in a room for over a year, in this body, with this mind and i don't know why i should own any of it.
I still like to watch your videos as i vicariously feel a sense of serenity and.. Perhaps a sense of justice... from you and a group of people watching you attempting to heal themselves and others. Thank you
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and holding space for your feelings around this 💕 Please know that I have a list of free mental health resources on my website here if you feel in need of support- there are crisis lines available: terricole.com/gethelp I am glad to hear my videos give you some sense of serenity. Sending love and strength ❤️
@@terri_cole Thank you for taking the time to reply with such kind words
I have had moments when I spoke to myself and said, " Stop blaming yourself for information you didn't have. Now, if you knew better and did something anyway, then shame on you."
Yes- I find that most of the time, we're making decisions as best we can with the information and support we have available at the time. That compassion is important. 💕
I'd certainly be interested in your new book, Terri. I got a lot out of 'Boundary Boss' so I'm sure this one will be amazing too. The thing is I definitely do classify myself as somebody who has codependent traits but I would not describe myself as being 'high-functioning'.That's way too flattering a term for me. More like partially functioning or barely functioning but I definitely do relate with the codependency part!
I'm so glad to hear you got a lot out of Boundary Boss ❤️ I think Too Much will still apply even for folks who just relate to the codependent part!
Can't wait for the new book, thank you for such great coaching!
Me neither, Debbie! 💕 Thank you for being here!
🙏🙏🙏🙏 so grateful for these videos. Terri, you are saving lives
Thank you so much for saying that and for being here 💕
Thought I share the takeaways and insights from this painful subject and video.
✅Get curious about your regrets without being judgemental. Regrets are often "smaller traumas".
✅We have to PROCESS the regret to move on and change- ruminating- into a deeper understanding as why, why it happens in the first place. Not an excuse but a motive.
✅We can use our regrets to learn from the past and do better in the future. Psychological explanation of regrets.
✅We need to be compassionate with our mistakes and remind ourselves that we did what WE KNEW in that particular situation, learn from it (as difficult as it might seem) and move on~ using regrett as data point~to do things differently. 🙌🤗
Wondering if ruminating is a coping strategy to the error/mistake (in question)..by allowing this thoughts and emotions to go round and round in one's mind..somehow?!
I'm glad to say that I have now pre-ordered your new book, and I am looking forward to learn more
about this exhausting problem of being in co-dependency relations and the ongoing cycle of thinking/behaving/doing/ feeling over and over
...Too Much. Many thanks Terri. 💕
Thank you for sharing those takeaways and for pre-ordering Too Much! 💕 Yes- it does feel like rumination is a kind of coping mechanism... like if we think about mistakes/situations endlessly, it somehow makes the situation 'better'. Like we're sort of 'proving' something to ourselves by forcing ourselves to re-live it, or at the very least, punishing ourselves because we believe we deserve that.
That book (audiobook) is preordered baby!
Thank youuu ❤️❤️❤️
Very insightful indeed, many thanks Terri🙏🌷🕊💝🤗
I'm so glad to hear that ❤️
thank you
You're welcome!
Thank you Ms. Terri, this helps so much❤
I'm so glad to hear that ❤️
I’m going away to college soon and I can’t stop thinking about my regrets and mistakes I’ve made every time I forgive myself for one another one pops up
Try downloading the guide I linked to in the pinned comment and video description and trying the exercises I recommend ❤️ Otherwise, if therapy is accessible to you at all, I recommend unpacking these thoughts with a professional.
Dealing with this problem at the moment.
Going on a month post break up and I just keep replaying the stuff I did the day she broke up with me and everything else I’ve done in the relationship. I feel like shit and I just can’t stop hating myself. It’s so hard on me to forgive myself.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and hoping you can find forgiveness in yourself 💕 I have this video specifically on how to move on from a breakup and how to stop blaming yourself: ruclips.net/video/gig4uJ-O0M8/видео.html
Thanks for this! ❤❤❤
You're so welcome 💕
How do you stop feeling regret for the loss of a pet? One of my cats ran away and I didn't look for him right away so I never found it, and another cat died because she ate some threads from our house's curtains and even when she got surgery she didn't make it and she was in so much pain before dying. Two of my dogs passed away because we didn't know that their uterus could get infected if not sterilized. I was their mom, I feel like I let them know and I'm a failure. I just want to know they're somewhere safe and they forgave me somehow.
I'm witnessing you with so much compassion and sending you love ❤️❤️ That is so hard. In your dog's case, you mentioned that you didn't know- that is at the crux of a lot of this. We didn't know better, and with hindsight, we believe we should have. But we didn't, and we can't go back and change what we knew at the time. We have to believe that we did the best we could and make the right decision with the information we had at the time. These are very difficult lessons, but with them comes the knowledge of how to better care for any future pets you might have.
You may also need to take time mourning the loss of these pets. Honor their memory, acknowledge all the ways you did right by them, not just the wrong. By processing the entire experience, when those thoughts of regret come up, you can do what I mentioned in the video and say, "Onto the next thought." You don't need to ruminate anymore because you know you did the work (or are doing the work) to process it and make sure these things don't happen again. I hope that helps ❤️
I am in a mental storm at the moment,have or not have children. Although I lean towards not having,my husband desperately wants a child. Should I defend the fact that i most probably not want or just stay and take the chance? How I know that i won't regret it afterwards?😢
That's a difficult decision that only you can make ❤️ Before making any decision, I would advise thinking through what your life and future together might look like with kids, and tune in to how you feel and how your body responds. If you have friends or relatives with kids, ask them about their actual lived experiences with parenthood.
You can also ask your husband what future he's envisioning, to see if your visions align. (Do you want to raise your kids the same way, with the same techniques? Are you on the same page about their education? Are you thinking about family vacations while he's dreaming of life on a farm?) If your visions don't align, that's something you'll need to figure out.
Another Q to consider: when things get rough with parenthood (and they do), will you be able to function as a team together?
After that, think about a future without your husband (if this is a dealbreaker for him) and without kids. What comes to mind? How do you feel about it? You can journal about all of this, too.
You have a right to not want kids, and your husband has a right to want them. It's possible to love each other but not be on the same page about this, and only you two can decide how to move forward with that. I hope this was helpful ❤️
Thank you @@terri_cole for the time dedicated to answer my message! It really warms my heart ❤There are fertility issues on his side so I have to undergo treatment in order to have a child BUT(and that's big one) I am not doing my best physically and mentally. I have diabetes type 1, I used to have perfect control of blood sugars until my binge eating and depression appeared. I put on weight which I try to ditch,mainly for health reasons. I have always been a normal weight person for my height and now I have 8kg more from my binge eating disorder. As you see it's all linked. I feel bad about myself and how I turned to be towards food. I don't think I am in the right position to bring another creature to the world, still the whole situation causes me so much distress..
I am witnessing you with compassion 💕 I know you mentioned you're in therapy, which I am glad to hear. Is this something you've been able to discuss with your therapist? Regardless, I still think it's your right to feel the way you feel about having kids, and I would hope that your husband could be understanding and patient while you think it through.
I am on the process of discussing it with my therapist and she has the same approach as you@@terri_cole. My husband is patient,from my side I understand that a decision has to be made and not letting the subject unsolved which can cause resentment.
If he is willing to be patient, I would consider giving yourself some grace to lessen the pressure you feel ❤️❤️ Give yourself the same patience. What I've found in situations like this is that sometimes we're afraid to face the truth of how we feel because of what it might mean for our relationship. And when we give ourselves some space to breathe, it can create space for other possibilities, too. We can also make a decision and not act on it right away- we can sit with it and see how it feels. (I don't mean sitting on it for years and years, of course, but even a few weeks can make a difference!) It sounds like your therapist is kind and caring and I'm glad you have that support behind you as you navigate this. ❤️
Moving on have moved on , no regrets