The Simmering Hostility Inside A Narcissist
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- Опубликовано: 6 окт 2024
- Have you ever wondered why you just can't seem to get on the good side of a narcissist, no matter how hard you try? Of course, the narcissist will tell you it's your fault when tensions rise inside the relationship. But Dr. Les Carter explains how they are predisposed to conflict due to a deeply entrenched history of unresolved tension and anger.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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Narcissists will not tolerate you being yourself. NO ONE understands unless they have been through it.
True,they want you to be who they want you to be.Some will even force it via shaming,humiliation and making sure EVERYONE knows.
It’s really a gross tactic.They’ll even do this with their nearest and dearest not just people they dislike or hate.
Absolutely correct. If you are being yourself, it tells them they cannot control you. It tells them they can't destroy your sense of self so that they can possess you with their own will as if you were a puppet.
Narcissists will not tolerate you being yourself. You should shout this one word to them, TOUGH !! And carry on being the real you.
@@steveguitarman1488 they get away with so much because no one ever stands up to them, not even in their childhood.
I stood up to one the other day and he danced in circles and gave me the deer in headlights and then ran off to tell.someone. What a coward. Came back and started up again antagonizing. Thought to myself, there is such a thing as attorneys dingbat. They really work women. Like to upset them and have the upperhand. Maybe men are more likely to blast them and that's why women have to take so much off of them. Heard a dr. say once, when a women stands up for herself she is a (bleep), but when a man does it, it he is being assertive.
That phrase "simmering hostility" really captures it! And when the narcissists are out of your life, not being around that simmering hostility...it makes life noticably more peaceful & joyful!
Yes. My kid had that. Just simmering anger that has always been there. She tries to curb it now, but it's obvious it's still there.
Yes, and it comes in a variety of forms. Sometimes, it is subtle and is damaging.
Yes! I practice being grateful every day. It has been 5 years for me!
Waiting and hoping for that...but my inner peace is more important even with whatever yuck is going on around me. 🥲
Yes, that's this constant tension when being around them behind closed doors.
There's no point trying to hug a crocodile - it's not gonna end well, it's gonna be hostile.!!
Precisely
The worst is when narcs do performative empathy and are so self deluded they genuinely believe they’re kind and empathetic
The hostility has wounded me to my core. This all makes me feel a little less alone.
You matter. I am glad you are here.
@@Greenawareness188 Thank you friend.
@@rahrahrobbbieee You are very welcome.
Thankful for all of you on here. 60 years of this. Time to get healthy.
@@angellollar1083 You can be happy !
When it's a family member you grew up with, it's hard to see the forest for the trees.
Anything and anywho that gives you stomach ache and anxiety should be avoided.
It is hard, but I saw the truth at 66 years of age and went no contact.
YES!!!! This is exactly how they are. They are and can be VERY pessimistic and hostile. You can be in the middle of a conversation with them, and all of a sudden, they will attack you. As if you are trying to attack them personally or something. I also feel like they choose to respond this way because they are intentionally rude, messy, and nasty, and they respond to you as if they assume everyone is like that. They are very passive-aggressive.
Passive Aggressive !!!!!!! Yes !
Thanks for sharing! What you said was my life growing up with a narcissistic mother and sister. My father was a victim who gave up his very identity to have what he thought was peace,throwing my other sister and me to the wolves. I escaped from that life with them but not without injuries. I follow Jesus now the ultimate Father.
Very true 😢
Yes, I've noticed my dad assumes the very worst possible motive for anything we say or do. And if you try to clear it up, try to explain what you meant, he won't believe it. The internal ugliness that must exist to have that attitude to others is almost beyond belief, and makes me very sad, that he leads a life of such misery and doesn't even realise this is not the norm.
@@20bluelilies same here. My dad always assumes the worst about me with no basis for it whatsoever. It's so strange and heartbreaking.
Being around the narcissist feels more like being around a vacuum pump, ready to siphon off information and desperate for narcissistic supply.
I can relate to that! I hope you are well❣️
@@amandaliverpool3374 , hi Amanda. We have a rainy Sunday here today, but otherwise I am well. Fairly busy with new and old interests , friends and exercise. How about you ?🤗Wishing you a good rest of the weekend.🌺🌻🌼🐞🍉
You're not wrong lol they're operating from a narcissistic wound that can't be healed regardless of how much narc supply they receive...they're addicts and their substance of choice is people
@mariaawake4502 Thank-you maria. I had a lovely weekend. Stu Robertson drove up to Liverpool for the weekend from Essex.
I managed to meet up with him a few times and did a little walking around Liverpool and went out for food. It's the most walking I've done for a while, but with the help of my new walking aid and an arm to link, I managed.
The weather was precarious, but never mind, we managed. We had a great time, and I showed him a little bit of Liverpool.
It seems like you have a very positive outlook and long may that continue.
Take care 🙏♥️🫂
@@amandaliverpool3374 , ☺
They definitely have a simmering volcano beneath the surface. It takes absolutely nothing to set them off. You can feel the pressure building in them. They are very hypersensitive.
Simmering hostility is a good way to describe it. My late mother had frightening Narcissistic rages all the time. They could be caused by the most insignificant things like if she didn't like what you were wearing. Being around her was like walking on eggshells. I have had lasting effects from it. Peace is one of the most important things you can have.
I am sorry , You deserved better treatment.
I can empathize. I grew up with a mother like that. Childhood C-PTSD, I think, is what made us (or partly) vulnerable to narcs. We can be at Peace now. 😊
For 20 years, I was the customer of a book-seller who I would often jokingly describe (behind his back) as "a neurotic nutcase". I'm just reminded, one day he angrily stated that he "didn't think he should have to walk on eggshells" around me. And I honestly wondered, what in the HELL was he talking about? Looking back on it, I'm reminded of the phrase, "Every accusation is a confession". Just the other day, thinking back, I was reminded that in 20 years of knowing the guy, I NEVER felt real friendship between us, compared to the 4 years I was a customer of another guy before that, who I always felt we hit it off as friends the first day we met. The "neurotic" guy, he'd stand there for hours talking to some customers, while ignoring me.
The more I study Dr. Carter's videos, the more I look back at my life and see a GROWING NUMBER of narcissists. There's more out there than I could have imagined, and for most of that time, I had no idea what I was really dealing with.
Snap. My ma was the very same. Like a terrorist.
@@henrykujawa4427 It feels uncanny-- like they sense exactly how you feel toward them, the grievances you have toward them, and then they accuse you of them. Its called "the 180 rule."
Brimming with hatred, I’ve seen how it was throttled when it was expedient, necessary. But when left unchecked, that hatred was downright brutal. Even with a smile or smirk while departing, the hatred was real.
Sounds like the smiling assassin!
To demonstrate their 'authority" she can start a FIGHT, over a single dishTowel! No fight is too small or petty for such a Tyrant
The smirk is so demonic
@@angellollar1083yes!
So funny you mention a dish towel as a means to start a fight. My ex would do exactly that re: a dish towel. Of course, it doesn't matter what the inanimate object is. It was "my way or the highway", no other option because she was beaten into submission the same way by her narc mother who believes she is the ultimate housekeeping martyr. Did I say "house"? I should say "chapel", "shrine", or self made monument to her own perfection.
Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Dr Jekyll: Talented, creative, caring, funny, thoughtful
Mr Hyde: cruel, manipulative, liar, moody, overly sensitive, self absorbed, unhappy
There is always this hostility in the air, in many little things, for example with snarky remarks now and then. A little guilt-trip here, a little blameshift there. Almost every single day until you lash out and then it's your fault alone - of course.
They are addicted to victimhood and so if you "lash out" because you're tired of their crap, if course they get sullen and silent, like a victim tho they started it. Get used to it because in their eyes you will never achieve their standard of perfection while all along they will never achieve yours, due to the fact that you are there because you love them, and, GET THIS, they are there because you love them. The only love they have is that they Love that you love them. They don't have a need to love you, they have a need for you to love them. And like the loony tunes say...That's all folks.
As if they’re waiting for something not to go their way, and they can pounce.
Yes and they can be really mean when they drink alcohol!
You are so right about the sudden outbursts!!!!! Dealing with a covert type is very hard. They slap a fake smile on their cold hardness, and then they suddenly flip out or go sullen and pouty without warning!!!! It's like being slapped in the face without warning!!!! And all the while they insist that they are not angry. The most they will admit to is "disappointment".......always in YOU!!!!!
If ever someone tells you they are disappointed in you, just tell them that they shouldn't of had any "expectations " then.
Yep. It comes out of nowhere but now we expect it. My husband doesn’t back down to her anymore and tells her how it is, she hates this so much that she now brings a monkey with her to enforce to them that he is the problem and they believe her.
I want to give this comment 100 thumbs up!
Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. On high alert due to the unwarranted treatment from covert narcs. Taking time to heal myself, mostly alone. Seeking a peaceful life.
We married in our 70s when he searched me out and gave me the whole lovebombing and future faking thing. It lasted less than 6 years and of course I was totally to blame. Perhaps I was because I viewed myself as a separate and distinct person and even once told him I didn’t think he was perfect. He moved out 4 years ago and has now filed for divorce trying to bankrupt me. I have a good lawyer.
I think this is the first video that’s really made me feel sorry for narcissists. It must be awful to have so much self-loathing and constant scheming to get praise and supply
You're catching on to their inner angst.
The abuse a narcissist experiences that in turn makes them into a narcissist occurs at a very young age. Not to justify their behavior, but to give context they are basically profoundly wounded and emotionally/developmentally stunted people. I believe the DSM considered recategorizing narcissism from a personality disorder to a trauma disorder similar to PTSD.
@@crazy4Christ yes. I’ve known all that for years, but how sad their existence must be really only just hit me x
Probably a good thing to be aware of. Not just because it is true, but in how it is like you are pausing to look back, mid climb, and see where that other person who was giving you grief is actually at. "Must suck to be you", would be a pretty good antidote to narcissists and their efforts to drag down others.
@@SurvivingNarcissism What causes that self-loathing?
This video gave me the push to work on getting my adult child into a place to live away from my home. Living with the simmering anger and constant manipulation just sucks and is damaging to me.
Good for you. You deserve a peaceful, safe home.
It's heartbreaking when the child you have poured yourself into to raise into a well-adjusted adult is ungrateful to the point where they have nothing kind to say to you. I have had to stop having any contact with one of my children. Almost every text lately is nothing but personal attacks. Most things that I provided while raising her were thrown in my face as not good enough. I was treated with contempt. It is much more peaceful now that she has moved out. I mourn for not being able to have any further relationship with my child like I did with my parents.
Wish my momma would do that to my bro.
@@songriver1232 my daughter could have written this comment, it's a tough one but it's like cutting off your own leg, perhaps to save yourself eventually it is the only remedy... I get it, as a momma, I'm spent. time for a prosthetic leg.
@@cynthiaellis5716Sadly, a person can turn our good intentions into darkness. You have seen the situation for what it is. This is such a sad reality. You have done what was needed. I wish you more sane relationships elsewhere.
The narcissist who was in my life died not long after I finally realized that I would have to sue him for divorce if I didn’t want to live in poverty for the remainder of my life. So I became a widow. Very INFREQUENTLY I am somewhat ashamed of being VERY GLAD that he is dead. Then I remember all of the ways he inflicted his SIMMERING HOSTILITY on me and remind myself that I am only human and reacted appropriately to defend myself. Thank you Dr Carter for helping us all understand these extremely disordered people!
Good riddance
It is amazing. My encounters with multiple narcissists have made me a mistrusting person ... yet I am still nowhere near as mistrusting as the narcissists themselves.
Whilst showing you how untrusting they are, they project suspicion on to you. Sometimes I laugh inside because that old Elvis Presley song starts playing in my mind. Suspicious Minds. No friend, no family, no lover can you actually bond with that is inherently Suspicious.
It's the "once bit, twice shy" phenomenon. Best to shake off the dust and make tracks whenever possible. Otherwise, grey rock. 🕊️✨💐
@@tmo.48 Used (and still do if find any karaoke bar catering nearby in this wild west ND area I live in now)-to sing "Suspicious minds" along with other favorite Elvis and other songs....I miss that. Singing (which I do , and can do on my own too as well as dancing) brings joy-raises your vibrational energy and more-only does good for you.
I THOUGHT I WAS CLOSE TO MY NARCISSIST BROTHER. I FORGAVE HIM A LOT TO MOVE ON. BUT HES CONSTANTLY PARANOID IM TELLING EVERYONE ABOUT HIM. IM NOT. BUT HE SLANDERS ME TO COVER UP HIMSELF.. I CANT HAVE A NORMAL LOVING RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM & IT HURTS A LOT.
😢
I hear you. Me too.
It is brutal when they are OLD. My covert narc mother is 88 and has meltdowns in my car when I take her places. What sets her off is me driving down an unfamiliar street. She flies into a rage. Never can sit back and enjoy the ride, she has to dictate where to park, where to turn, the temp in the car etc. It's exhausting!
Oh my, the pain I hear you describe. I've been there.
Really really really sick individuals.
Jeez ....I hear you. Nothing can be simple and calm with the narc mother.😢
Control for them is their "rock" even if it's control over the most mundane of details. The sense of powerlessness (real or perceived) is lethal to them. Controlling you as the driver makes her feel in control still since she obviously can't independently drive herself anymore. My mom's first meltdown happened when she was older also. The disease of narcissism seems to eat away at them with age....
@@crazy4Christ Actually she can drive herself; still independent. But it's more fun to ride with me and dictate my every move. They get so much worse with age and you are left asking yourself, when dementia sets in, how will I know? Cannot get much more difficult.
Sounds like dementia too. My mom was a demented narc.
For everyone you meet, there's a whole mess of people
Tryin' like hell to pull you on down.
To the level they're on, and the trouble they're tendin'
In the mess that they've made, in the gutter they found.
Keep an eye out for the people who are truly kind. You deserve to be loved.
That should be the chorus to a song
Yes! Very lyrical ❤❤❤. And true.
If you wrote that yourself, then you have to compose a song.
This was summed up in the most perfect and succinct manner. Described my ex-covert narc perfectly. The most negative, pessimistic person I’ve ever met. Always with that simmering/underlying anger. Always the victim. Always mentally draining and exhausting.
"This is at the core of who they are." Thank you for this.
I will never forget the day when the mask fully came off. The covert, malignant sociopathic narcissist I know was in a rage when he blurted out, "My goal is to tear you down!" There was so much hatred on his face! It was truly astonishing to the core, and I said, "You hate me! I can see it on your face!" It was at that moment that his demeanor totally changed, and he looked like a deer caught in headlights.That look that he had slipped in letting the 'truth' out about how he truly feels about me. This was an eye-opening moment for me, to say the least. Thank you for another excellent video, Dr. C. 🙏💝
My sister had a similar slip when I tried to address up front why she was being cold with me after I made the grave error of pointing out her behaviour and actions (before I learnt about narcissism). She said "It's going to be awkward until such a time that I decide that it won't be". Well, it's been about a year now, and I've decided I'd rather not see her too often to just be stonewalled (minimal eye contact, lack of interest in conversation with me) and felt like she's tolerating my company. It's really not good for your self esteem! She's extended her mistreatment of me to also being rude to my partner, physically turning her body away/distancing, snapping responses, and not engaging in conversation. I feel like whatever I might have done, she's doubled down and burnt any possible bridges that could have been mended. The anger underneath seems like it's there "simmering" all the time now when I see her. I'm sad for the sister and bond I thought I had but am slowly making peace with the fact I'm happier having some distance between us. I think she resents the fact I've not come crawling back, and my family don't understand why I haven't.
Always right below the surface
Ive often said that my narc seems to be afraid of life. Miserable ol sole, but I'll be damned if he's going to hold me at this level of life that he's settled for! Im trying my best to be patient, until im FREE! 🙏for all going through this demonic bs
My narc sister would actually bare her teeth and snarl on a regular basis without even realizing it. She was so full of venom and hatred that her mask would fall and reveal her truly evil core. What a sweetie. No wonder I went "NO Contact". Phew!!!
Absolutely true and thank you for addressing this. Along with the never ending anger is a nonstop unhappiness from them. They’re upset. They’re hurt. They’re disappointed. They’re angry about this. And that. They always have their panties in a wad over something. And all of this is directed at YOU. You’re not making them happy. You are to blame for everything.
Yes, all about their own inner issues ....
Been married over 35 years and 4 years ago I learned about narcissistic abuse. Wish I'd known this information before getting married because I would've been better prepared to deal with my abusive in-laws. I still would have married my husband, but I would have set better boundaries with his family early on, And I wouldn't have taken my mother-in-laws flagrant rejection of me so personally by allowing it to break my heart. Hindsight is always 20/20.
I am glad you could stay with your hubby. My ex AND his mom are both narcs and I had NO IDEA of what I was truly signing up for. I knew IMMEDIATELY that she had issues and established boundaries with HER early in the relationship (I.e. Pre marriage). I however GROSSLY misjudged my former spouses narcissism, thinking that I could somehow “heal” all of the MANY childhood issues and hurts he had.
I was so incredibly wrong and spent the better part of 25 years struggling with an extremely topsy-turvy turbulent marriage . . . which of course ended the only way it was gonna end.
Most narcs will NEVER fully admit or face those hurts and will actively lie, cheat and/or steal to continue their charades. It is horribly sad when you pour your heart into making a life with a person who CANNOT fully or truly love properly. They are very angry, insecure people who will always cast off their offenses on to everyone around them. Listen CAREFULLY to what people are saying in conversations because a narc WILL reveal themselves . . . You just have to NOT get hemmed up in the sob stories but listen for the places where they take responsibility . Generally THEY DONT but the do a lot of “word salad-ing” to cover their tracks and draw empathy.
Drawing the empathy allows them to play the victim and not look within. They cannot truly grow in relationships . . . they engage only when they can draw resources (emotional, financial, social, etc).
@@AAXS-op1vo Happy you got out. You have to take care of your own mental health. Good for you!
Long story ....
My husband was raised by a narcissist so he learned some narcissistic traits for sure like control & entitlement -- but I've learned to stand up to all of that nonsense. Anyway, I still see my husband as a very brave & courageous man because he married me against his mother's wishes, and he didn't want her at our wedding -- so she wasn't even invited. In fact, my husband's entire family wasn't invited. I wanted them there, but my husband did not. Yeah my MIL was angry that we messed up *her* plans that her only son marry someone else -- someone shes known for years. You see, my husband & I had a beautiful child before we got married, and this made my mother-in-law incredibly angry, and she did everything within her power to break us up before we got married. She even told me I should give my child up for adoption (before we got married) because she wanted her son to marry this other woman -- some friend of the family, but my husband never loved her like that. Apparently my husband's parents were friends were her parents so his mom thought that this woman was a perfect fit for their family. But my husband was never in-love with her. Thought she was nice, and all. Anyway, we loved each other and we wanted to get married and that infuriated my MIL How dare her son mess up mom's plans lol. And my then boyfriend even moved to California -- that's where we met -- just to get *away* from his mother & this old girlfriend (they lived in Michigan). And I didn't even meet my husband's family until *after* we got married. My husband moved away to put some distance between he and his mother and to make a life for himself without her constant need for control, but that did not slow anything down because she still knew how to weaponize her phone or the U.S. mail. My MIL even tried to play match-maker with this same old girlfriend, during our 9th year of marriage, and that made my husband angry. He flew to Michigan to visit his mom without me, and so his mom invited this old girlfriend over and took them both out to dinner. When he got home he told me what his mother did, so we were both angry at her. I guess this old girlfriend was still carrying a torch for my husband so my mother-in-law attempted to break us up a *second* time, but her plans only blew up in her face. Oh, and 15 years ago, during our 20th year of marriage, my MIL told me AGAIN, this time to my face, that I should've given our son up for adoption (first time she said that was over the phone 37 years ago). And at this point our son was in the military, had just become a doctor, was married, and had three children of his own -- he was doing really well!! I can only point to extreme bitterness from my MIL which resulted in jealousy & envy because her son married someone he loved, and NOT the woman that my MIL wanted him to marry. Also, I have been a good & faithful wife and good mother too. No criminal record. No drug use. Little miss goodie two shoes lol. So nothing else but jealousy & envy makes sense as to why she hated me so much. She probably blames me for why her son distanced himself from her. But all of that was HER fault because of her own agenda. She wouldn't let her son make his own decisions who to marry. Yeah she was super bitter that I messed up her selfish, entitled plans, her own agenda, of having her son marry someone else so he would live close by her -- how selfish. You see, we lived in California, where we met, and this old girlfriend lived in the same town as my MIL did. Apparently my MIL was *really* close to this old girlfriend, so maybe she should've married the old girlfriend herself lol 🤣 ...because my husband just didn't love her lol. Anyway, my marriage wasn't smooth sailing mostly because of my MIL. And now my husband has been diagnosed with Alzheimers disease, so we're facing bigger challenges. And thankfully, my MIL is finally dead. She passed almost 3 months ago, and she managed to make trouble for us right up until the day she died. But now we're the ones that can finally rest in peace lol :)
@@AAXS-op1voWell said!
@@druchampion-payne1489thanks for sharing!! I can relate to this. Except that, my husband has never stood up for me. I’m leaving the marriage and she can have her baby back now. God bless and keep you and your family!
@@thisisme1981 God bless you as well!!
I call it "smoldering anger" which is right below the surface, ready to flare up with the slightest treat.
Different terminology, same concept!
They're always angry. It's a defining feature.
All it takes is " I showed up ". . . Thank you parents .
From zero to "devil" in .5 seconds.
My narc parent is too cowardly to go into an outright rage, because he wants to be seen as "nice". His behaviors, on the other hand, are designed to be hurtful and confusing. He sets you up to fail or suffer in some way, all the while smiling and pretending to "care'. It's disgusting once you realize what is taking place.
I think this what I used to call 'the calm before the storm or chaos.' You know it's coming but just not when 😲
I’d come home from work each day with no clue whether it would be love bombing or Aaron’s list of wrongs. I remember closing the door behind me as I entered, then pausing until I’d get a greeting or silence. The silence meant the hostility would last throughout the evening.
@aaronkwolfe Either way, there is an aftermath. In my house, I could cut the atmosphere with a knife!
always Watching mom & Dad and Bro. Kinney to see when they EXPLODE... it gets Old!!
Absolutely! 🎯 🎯 Silent but deadly in my neck of the woods. Sometimes I feel mellow and my mother is offended by that. Its like shes “addicted to excitement”. 🙉
@@aaronkwolfeI hear you Aaron! I get it ❤
My mother is a covert narcissist. It took me 56 years to figure it out. She's 92 now, and has lost any filters she ever had and has become violent. Completely full of hate. She was always negative and attention grubbing, but this is actually dangerous!
Such a sad legacy to leave behind.
I have a mother who is a covert narcissist. My deceased father became openly hostile. You are entitled to be safe. If you are in danger , Call local law enforcement. Ask them questions about what they can do. Ask them about local resources for help. Keep asking for help until you get it.
@@Greenawareness188 I think I might leave her alone even as an elderly. May she pay other people for help by herself.
@corinnaschutt4229 Only you can decide the right way to live your life.
@@Corinna_Schuett_GERI agree 💯
I never really felt convinced by the term „rage“ as regards my narcissistic mother‘s reactions, because she mostly played the victim card, and sulked, and pitied herself, so it seemed weak and ineffectual. But the term „simmering hostility“ certainly does fit her! Thank you for explaining this!
Hi Pink ... If you haven't done so already check out Covert Narcissist or Vulnerable Narcissist. You may just see your mother there. 🌷
Thank you, Dr. Carter. After years of being tangled in the web of my mother's narcissistic behavior, jumping through hoops, and being rejected over and over again, I finally let go. I am at peace, calm, and look forward to each new day!
GOOD FOR YOU!!! STAY STRONG!
You nailed this again Dr. C! I went on my annual visit to my parents up north. Went out to lunch with my mom and had a pleasant time. When we got back to their house I wanted to share with my dad that mom agreed to some household help (I was smiling), he laid into me. I did not engage. I turned around went in the house, got my purse and left.
I went back the next day to revisit this incendence (a first for me). He told me I thought you were going to lay into me, so I laid into you. REALLY??? I informed him, if you do this again, I will leave again. In his next breath, he told me I was just like him. Heck NO!!! Then tells me I could move in with them and that they have an extra bedroom I can stay there when I come to visit even, that I do not need to stay elsewhere. I told him I appreciated the offer, but that I preferred my own space. Then I said it was Friday and traffic was getting heavy and that I needed to head home. On may way in 10 minutes, but I had the conversation.
Huge win on many levels for me this time! Thank you for your guidance!!! I left with my inner peace and dignity.
Good for you!
@@amandak9945 Thanks for sharing that Amanda. I have not read that book. I just placed it on hold at the library. Online I just read the first chapter. Had to laugh, my dad said I'm sorry so now let's move on.
@lisadee9749 I guarantee you you're going to pay for that. They do not take boundaries lying down. That was an act. You will be smeared to anybody who will listen...
I am so proud of you. You ignored him and his invitation to battle it out. You refused to accept the hook and grabbed your purse and left. Best practice when dealing with a narcissist. Say nothing, grab you things and leave. This speaks volumes to a narcissist as they see they have no influence and control in your life. You are not codependent on them and when they realize you seriously careless it breaks them to the core. Their delusions and paranoia skyrocket to oblivion so much so they border on insanity.
I imagine when you left things did not improve and your father took it out on your mother.
@@Prometheuspredator: I hope the father didn’t direct his anger and frustration at his wife, but it’s likely he did. Probably not for the first time.
Indeed their reality is based on their lack of faith in others the default position is everyone is as selfish as they are.
Exactly correct, except for one part. They project their selfishness onto everyone else, but they probably don't think of themselves are selfish because that would be admitting they are not perfect.
Just respond and never react. Use there name when talking to them, it will drive them nuts.
"I showed up"!! Lol. You certainly nailed it Dr. C!!! If you are unlucky enough to be caught in the path of the charming, "sunshine" personality of a narc, stick around, the storm is brewing and their true colors will come out. I've been "no contact" for the last 4 + yrs, but I've recently r'cvd an email (spam folder), a call (blocked), and when I wouldn't respond, I recently r'cvd a card in the mail. The anxiety of the past brought back painful memories, but I remind myself, I'll stay on my narrow path and ignore his attempts. I'm worthy of so much more.....dignity, respect & civility. His "supply" must've ran dry. They always have a motive. 😉 Stay strong!!
You stay strong too.❤
Letting go of the narcissistic person, dealing with the ghosting and my sadness instead of trying to make amends, was the best decision I made. My old self would have pleaded to make things up together. Personal growth had lead me to believe that a. It's a privilege to be in my life and not a convenience, b. There are people out there that really are opposite and make you feel good💖 wishing everyone well. Dr C you are a great mentor!!
Thanks so much!
I am reminded of a Tom Petty song, "Ways to be Wicked". This line reminds me of my ex; "I watch your little eyes light up as you're walking me through Hell."
I once was scared of and dominated by this simmering hostility. It was a constant anticipation what horrible thing would happen next.
Meanwhile, I learned to not be affected by it. It was a huge piece of work and I really wished I wouldn't have to learn it this hard way. I did, though. And this is what counts. I enjoy life and am happy and fulfilled without guilt or other negative feelings. Unfortunately, as no contact isn't possible, I treat the must-be-contacts like a pimple. It's not great it's there but it doesn't bother me too much.
Yes, you can learn to deal with a prosocial, non violent, isolated narcissist , if you have enough resources at hand. You need your own group of friends and keep the narcissist away from them and be very self aware. If the narcissist behaves badly take your car and drive off. If he does something you like, praise me excessively. Always have an interesting book at hand. Cerebral narcissists know a lot and can be good to talk to, but it is tricky.
Lemana, what do you think helped you become less effected narcissists ?
I hope I make it there Thanks.
@@Greenawareness188 Great question if you have a chance and if you would like @mariaawake4502.
@@mariaawake4502 Good advice.
I love my cat and she will bring life
to me and all my hurts will be
healed when I see kittens.
Admitting gracefully that you have made a mistake - that is something that all of us learn... or not
There is nothing gracious about a narc, ever notice that? I am beginning to notice more and more things❤
That hostility (emotion )was a reality wake-up call for our family. We are a fun loving, game playing, and engaging family. But when Ms. Covert (in law) is present, life leaves the room. 😡 We disconnected after 15 years and celebrate only Christmas at a restaurant. Heartbroken but surviving. I still don’t understand why the world does not understanding the damage controlling people in our lives!
Christmas is a satanic/pagan Holiday. Christ Messiah Yahshua (Jesus) was born on September 11.
How utterly exhausting it must be constantly be on guard for slights and disses - regardless of if these are intended.
Happy to be a part of Team Healthy!! 💜
And being in fear of offending them . For empaths this is very stressful!
@@kathyhartman6586 Yes, like walking on eggshells ... this is known as narcissistic injury and the slightest thing will hurt them that would never phase a healthy person, and then you are completely blindsided by their angry response. Like, what just happened?! You're left with trying to figure out how saying something so casual, and not intended to do harm, managed to upset them. Like living in the twilight zone.
@@druchampion-payne1489Thank you for saying that about narcissistic injury. I've heard it so many times, but I've been learning so much lately that it was one of those things that didn't quite sink in. I was so caught up in the walking on egg shells thing. I don't feel like I'm walking on eggshells anymore, I think I broke through that barrier. I suppose I realized that my emotional state dried up, there was nothing to give anymore. Now if someone tries to coerce me by covert means to begin to start walking on them there eggshells they get an immediate blast from my invisible Canon. My attitude and words are the cannonball. I see through their crap and have zero tolerance anymore. I do believe I need to leave because he must know I know and that is when they become more dangerous. I do have the spiritual armor of God and I do know that it's all spiritual warfare. We must stay safe and sane❤
@@kathyhartman6586They seem to live their life on the sidelines and do nothing but try and detect any sort of slight against them. So paranoid. They know not much about happiness but only content over "good times" which only consist of self indulgences. Sad.
@@kathyhartman6586That's exactly right and I grew up in that type of environment, then experienced it throughout my life with many other people, including friends and "partners," so was constantly walking on eggshells!
Unfortunately, I tend to be nervous around everyone now and even feel uncomfortable with people who aren't like that and just listen to me since I'm not used to it. I'll keep working on myself though. 😊
Amen! This deep and fundamental insecurity comes out in times of stress for sure! It took about 50 years for me to see this in my oldest sibling. All this time I thought she was such a strong, loyal person in my life. But all the while she was seething? She was jealous and contemptuous and when I least expected it, she surfaced like Ursula in The Little Mermaid! I’ve had to let her go and wish her well. I probably will never speak to her again because she is just too nasty and somewhat dangerous.
I have the same older sister. Sad because I have some younger ones like that too. We must must must break those generational curses.
My older sister has been nasty to me since I was a little girl. I think she resented my birth. She revealed herself one day, saying "Mom and Dad paid your way." Nothing could have been further from the truth! I left home at 17 and made my way from then on independently. ( My mother forbade me to leave.) Her words revealed her distorted view of me and her deep jealousy. It has nothing to do with me. She does not even know me.
@@susanparker9877 "She does not even know me." That sentence is the bottom line. They don't know anyone.
The narc starts it then tell me I'm being defensive. All of this is dr les is so on point.
If you're honest with yourself you'd acknowledge to yourself that you noticed their inner hostility vertically from day one. You just sweep things under the carpet that you don't want to see.
Yes, sir. They are incredibly defensive and have hidden shame. Thanks, Dr. Carter, for caring about us🙂
Start speaking up and look out
Simmering is a perfect way to describe the look and energy
Simmering hostility was a constant in his eyes. It seemed as if this devious being was always waiting to pounce.
Mom's act,as well. For whatever stupid reason. Been going for decades.
These are litteral human demons. Protect yourself in time; leave and never turn back.
Devils are real.
Yes demons are real. All this narcissistic stuff is just spiritual warfare. So many people are easily being influenced by demons and so they give us trouble which is what the demons arranged it all for. To get to us whom they couldn't get to us before. Our narcs are the demons Trojan horse, to break into our city/space. Ah but the love we have for our narcs. I got to thinking one time how the Bible teaches to love the sinner but hate the sin, that we love our narcs but hate the narcissism. It's getting too dangerous to love my narc. The Bible teaches that we are to RUN from those types of people. Marriage or not, here I go. It's gotten too dangerous.
@@yosra3551Yes❤
Im 54 and have unfortunately been around mostly just narcissists my entire life. Mother father school kids and at work. Man have i been damaged. But I'm a Survivor and watching these videos helped. It would have been so nice to not have narcissist parents or to have been raised in an area where there weren't many narcissists
No wonder my emotional and mental health are in tatters. All this has become so normal to me but listening to it laid out like this, it’s so disturbing. Need to find a way out of this.
Simmering hostility’s that would kill you in a blink off a eye and in a split second would stick the kettle on and make themselves a cup off tea like nothing even happened
It was so painful to be treated like that. I couldn’t imagine doing that to anybody and like you said they could make a cup of tea like nothing happened. Losing sleep over their cruelty and they slept like a baby. It takes such a toll. Reinforces why I went no contact. It’s a long healing journey.💜
Why don't the narcissists go after the people who made them that way? Why do they go after good people who didn't hurt them?
I think they see happy/healthy people as insulting to them, they're not able to be glad for someone else's success, instead they feel the need to tear people down to their level so they don't feel "below" them anymore. It's all backwards and I think really just comes down to bitterness and envy, better to stay away from people like that
In many cases, they kiss their parents backside bec they want to be in the will. Simultaneously, they can't stand their parents but still want to benefit when they die. Experts do believe they are the way they are due to their childhood.
They are demon influenced. They were brought into your life to keep you from the love of God. The narc is a spiritually weak person and so easily influenced. Brought into your life by demons and the narc is the Trojan horse and that's how they can now destroy your city/self. Know what your dealing with and how to fix it comes easily.
They are screwed up people. Not mad. Just bad.😮
I just experienced this yesterday with my mother, when i set healthy boundaries with her and said "No"
I hear you! Mine is silent but deadly. I’m always waiting for the next rage attack when I set a boundary.
Good for you , RedBlaze. You have courage.
@RedBlaze498 The word NO is the word they hate the most! It feels like an attack to them, and it sets them into vengeance mode. Good for you for standing up for yourself!
Do what is best for you. God truly does love and care for you, too, and HE is truly right there with you. He always has been there. I PRAY YOUR STRENGTH IN THE LORD IN THE MIGHTY AND MATCHLESS NAME OF JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARETH. THE NAME ABOVE ALL NAMES. AMEN. ❤❤❤
@@christinelamb1167 Amen
I felt like I dealt with this kind of people my entire life.
I can't believe that someone can think that being so nasty all the time can lead to personal happiness! They bring every interaction to zero with their indifference. I've learned not to expect anything less. Minimal contact!
I think somewhere down the line they learned that their happiness depents on how they are in control ,so they will go to any lenght to get it .
It is probably less about happiness than it is about the satisfaction of control as the first reply said. Narcissists feel like they are separating away their internal shame by causing others to experience it. When regular people admire someone for good qualities, this causes a narcissist to feel pathological envy, so in order to get rid of this misery the narcissist projects their own negativity onto the good person while assuming to have the good person's qualities. This is not happiness, it is avoidance of internal shame. And control over others is required to achieve this.
Amen, we need our peace& joy, we deserve it! It’s our God given right!🙏
Yep, you described my wife exactly, never a day goes by that my wife isn't pissed off about something.
My husband ‘s the same. Now he is retired and at home most of the time there is screaming episode EVERY SINGLE DAY. Either at one of the people who work in the house or some hapless customer service agent. I think my narc gets off on it. He doesn’t scream at me as I’ve told him I’ll walk out immediately- he’s scared of that as it will be a “big scandal”. I think the way he behaves every day is a big scandal. Our neighbors must be sick of hearing him.
You described both of my parents. Sad really they seem to want a relationship with me now that they are older and I just cant. I value me more.
Thanks for this topic Dr. C. I've always been very sensitive and empathetic, and I can literally feel the hostility radiating off of my Nmom. I've said before that she spends most of her time seething. Usually when I've tried talking with her, I could feel the hate oozing out of her, and you can see the scowl on her face, she'll even grit her teeth. When I've tried to point it out she denies it, I've even asked her to look in the mirror in moments she was denying her rage, projecting that it was me being aggressive. She acts as if she's the sweetest person, but she's the cruelest nastiest person I've ever known (and I've known some real jerks and abusers). The only time the hostility isn't noticeable is the day after a fight, when she's high off her narc supply. Then she'll find something to get upset about, go back to simmering, eventually exploding into a rage, which she can never admit. She'd used to tell me how angry I was, that I hold grudges, and I'd say I'm not angry, just hurt. As I got older I realized that she was the angry one! One day recently she actually admitted that she knows I'm not an angry person and don't hold grudges, that I'm very forgiving, she had just said mean things. The simmering hostility has been visible countless times, whether I was trying to communicate with her over mundane topics, or pleading with her to have some compassion, respect, and civility for my son and me. Sometimes she'd have a cold dead look in the eyes, sometimes you can see her face twisted in a scowling rage, but the scariest is when during her attacks, upon causing distress, she'd smirk. I've seen the smirk so many times, but she's even smiled and laughed before! Just pure elation upon causing me pain after simmering for days to weeks. I can't help but feel that narcs are evil.
Not to be so blatant, but IMO that is Satan influencing her!! Satan has in filtrated any human being that has become "lost" (including all gov't leaders) or weakened .... Beware and on the lookout everyone!! We Catholics sprinkle Holy Water to ward off the Devil!!!
O that smirking and laughing is my mum. Gleeful. So ugly. So corrosive to my wish to be in her life.🎉
Perfect description of my mother: all appearances, but behind closed doors an extraordinarily abusive and bi-polar narcissist whose view of all things was power and control. At age 60 I’m still suffering the physical injuries she inflicted on me at age 6. For others who suffer similar misfortune, reveal the narcissist to others, get help and support, and move as far from the demon as possible.
I can actually feel the hostility come through the phone!!!
As you can tell my peace has been shattered .
The NARCISSISTIC Bully my baby boy has become isn't the loving boy I raised.Telling other family members his threats if I don't do as he says...I moved to another state to get my peace away from the HATE ..✌️💗🎼🎶🎵
I have a son who is a Narcussist. I understand.
Did he have a model to look at with the same behaviour? Children copy what they see.
@northstar5919 Yeah. I feel it must have come from somewhere. Due to some kind of abuse or trauma they encountered in their childhood. No one is generally just born that way or turn that way. People tend to leave out the details on purpose for sympathy or something. ESPECIALLY here on social media platforms. Please choose to have a blessed remainder of your day and weekend in JESUS' NAME. AMEN. THE JOY OF THE LORD IS YOUR STRENGTH. ❤❤❤
The only way to have peace is keeping distance. We live together so I stay outdoors a lot. That’s probably a good thing anyways. 😊 Keep your peace the very best you can Team Healthy! 🎉❤ Thank you Dr. C. !❤
Thank you , BunnyShy .You are a wise one.
I remember worrying, as a child, that I might be in trouble any time and not know what I'd done wrong.
My mother told me when I was an adult that she had "never punished" me. I said that she had withheld love from me whenever she was displeased, and the sense of condemnation was worse than the minor smacks she sometimes gave (which was normal at the time). I don't remember affection from her ... no kisses or hugs; never being told she loved me.
And she stirred up enmity between me and my stepfather. No love or acceptance in that home.
My Daddy loved me but we weren't allowed to see each other as there were no visiting rights for divorced fathers.
As an insecure teenager, she told me my Daddy wasn't my biological father; some stranger in Australia was. She lied and spoke ill of people a lot. Miserable woman who saw herself as a victim and a heroine (somehow- we all tried to please her).
I have a similar story. Very sorry for you. Sending blessings your way!
@@deemaysie6568 thanks. Courage and wisdom to you on your journey.
I understand how bad it was. Same for me.
@@VintageVera comfort and courage to you
Wishing you blessings, strength and hope on your journey.
Narcissists live with the Chameleon effect, which means they change into what ever is necessary to fit in, while behind the scenes something totally different is going on. Their thoughts & emotions might not fit with their public persona at all but they do carry a simmering hostility and it is just a matter of time when this will show up.
Why do Narcissists carry such pessimism and assumed hostility inside their core?
1. Early on they developed a binary thinking: a paradigma of black & white
2. As a result of this mindset they are constantly questioning themselves,
a. "Am I enough?"
b. "Will I be accepted?"
c. "How can I find favored treatment?"
3. They never learnt to be comfortable just being who they really are:
a. making mistakes comes with being human
b. they cannot say, "I missed the mark."
c. they cannot discuss less-than-perfect
matters
How does the simmering hostility show up?
1. Ongoing vigilance
2. Overly sensitive to rejection
3. Constantly on edge
4. Willingly to argue
5. Defensiveness that is not warranted
6. Hidden shame they cannot address
7. Hidden self-loathing
8. Power is very important
9. Empathy is not prioritized
10. Constantly showing disdain & contempt
Be aware:
》Narcissists cannot manage differences nor complexity
》Narcissist have not come to terms with their deep insecurities & shame
》It is not just a momentary issue and they can show you anger & rage at any time
What is your alternative?
》》See yourself as seperate & distinct
Dr Carter 👨🦳 and Gus 🐶 thank you for another lesson full of insight 🌞🌟🌝🌈
Hello from California Dr. Carter, Gus and the Team Healthy Community. Thank you for a very good video Dr. Carter. You are a blessing to us all.
Thanks, Alice.
Narcissists will laugh at you but not laugh WITH you, then they will tell you that you have no sense of humor and take yourself too seriously but they will shoot you a death glare if you try to make fun of them the wat they do to you and scream at you for being an insensitive jerk. They will make you laugh at their jokes that are at your expense or someone else's or are just stupid and not at all funny but if you try to share something cute or funny with them or tell a joke they will give you a blank stare or no response and change the subject to something humorless.
You can't bond with a narcissist over humor they will ruin the funny silly side of life for you and make everyone else believe you're a stick in the mud while they will keep a room of people roaring with laughter with oftentimes crude or lewd humor that is either gross or classless and you're just scratching your head confused and weirded out feeling singled out.
They're not even funny. Disrespectful jokes and all it would bug a righteous person and avoid them and their monkeys.
I have noticed this in great quantities in my ex wife recently.. real deep seated resentment and pent up hostility.. as I have learned so much about narcissism over the last year I can recognise the gaslighting and projection more and more that she uses to try and trigger me.. the less I react the more obvious it becomes . 😂
They never felt comfortable being themselves, tragically. They tried to make that happen for me, sadly.
Several years after I left home, I finally mustered up the courage to ask my narc dad on the phone, “why did you hate me so much, what did I do?” (Abusive behavior and abandonment)
His response was, “I didn’t hate you”. “Then why did you treat me so bad?” His response, “I don’t remember treating you bad at all”. Me:😣😳😓
Parents can only teach as far as they know. So many have children when they don't quite have the tools to raise them properly. They do the best they can with what they themselves have. Slather on lots of grace and mercy. Your child will probably have some misgivings of you, nobody's perfect. I ALWAYS expected my parents to ask for forgiveness from some of their actions ( I can't go into it all but it was bad)--there was everything BUT incest Thank God!!! They die and we must forgive so that we can break those generational curses. We are responsible for being better people. We are responsible for our own actions. It is up to us, not our parents to raise ourselves right once we leave the nest, no matter how messy the nest. We have no one to blame but ourselves so we must educate ourselves on channels like this❤
100% my mother’s response. IDIOTS!!!!!!
Gaslighting.
@@tmo.48 I’ve forgiven them, not so much for their sake but for my own peace.. It’s still nice though, to be able to talk about my experience and know how others have gone through the same. Growing up in a narc family makes you feel very alone and powerless too so I think it’s helpful to tell others that there is an end to this craziness and that you can separate from such people to persevere..
@@aquageraniablue6990 yes..there was SO much of that, it’s crazy making
Angry for no reason it seems just mad when you are happy and neutral when u tell them ur sad or down
The mindset: "You are either with me or against me."
I'm sick to my stomach.
He just described me. In listening to his video's, I thought I was listening to them to understand what I've gone through with other's, but it turns out that I'm the narcissist. 🙁 This really sucks. I know I was diagnosed with C-PTSD due to my childhood, but I never realized that I turned into a narcissist.
This video broke me.
Dear one, there is no need to despair!!! The beginning of healing is to recognize and address the wound. True narcissists don't have inner reflection that would bring out the flaws, they have no flaws as far as they feel. It's others that are flawed. You may just be dealing with the need to break a generational curse. That is a thing you might look into. You are unique and a searcher of truth. You WILL find it. While you're searching, spiritual warfare is paramount to look into. It might be why you thought that you were dealing with a narc and then figured it was you. Much hope and ❤️
Good look on your journey I hope you can heal and find love and real connections with other human beings and restore your inner feeling of self worth.
It’s hard and it will take years but you can do it, and your world will become much brighter.
I recommend the book on Complex PTSD by Pete Walker
There was discussion that the DSM was going to re-categorize narcissism as a trauma disorder similar to PTSD. You can have both (narcissism + CPTSD). Narcissism is actually the result of trauma/abuse. The narcissists in my life had a bigger narcissist in their life that basically made them into a lesser version of the narcissist in their life. It exists on a continuum (similar to autism). I remember when I was diagnosed with the reality that I had clinical depression and it broke me. It also broke me when I realized I had "daddy isssues". Feeling broken by the realization that you have a problem (whatever it may be) is the first step to being able to change it. The most wounded/severe/malignant narcissists don't have the self-awareness that they are narcissistic (or don't care) or that reality is to painful for them to accept so they lash out as a result of feeling attacked (aka narcissistic insult/injury). So if you came to the realization that you have narcissistic tendencies and are able to admit that it "broke" you meaning that you are comfortable with expressing vulnerability/imperfection then you are more than able to change it and actually have a lot of hope in your future. I experienced narcissistic abuse, but it wasn't so bad that I turned into a narcissist myself and I basically "grew" out of it yet can still remember those feelings and mindsets enough that I can still understand the mentality. Much of narcissistic thinking stems from attacking others before they attack you as a result of heavy criticism + mental abuse at a young age, such that relationships are seen as a vehicle to control rather than connect. Their parents criticized rather than complimented their performance (which is why they are addicted to praise/narcissistic supply amd if they can't obtain that supply in a positive manner they will resort to obtaining in a negative manner via powerplays aka narcissistic abuse...basically how a kid acts out or gets into trouble in that negative attention is better than no attention).
You can come out the other side, just learn all about narcissism and try to say to yourself “that was then, this is now” and keep on keeping on. Cut yourself some slack. It is not easy being a person in this world.
@@SafiaGrayTruth and honesty is the way...no more guilt & shame
Although this video is one year old, I couldn’t help but identify with the comment of a person in a narcissist relationship “what did I do to receive so much contempt or hostility from that narcissist person?” Answer: “You showed up.”
I just happened to be at a certain place at a certain time when I first met the narcissist…totally unplanned! We cannot beat ourselves up for things in our past, when, at that time, we had NO usable skills of interpretation or deflection!
In a good place now…thanks to knowledge!
My Dad was like this. No contact for years. My bro used to be so sweet, so kind, so easily hurt... I escaped to a foreign country (huge guilt for leaving bro, but I wasn't going to survive if I stayed).
We were in contact more snd less over time. A few decades later, Mum died and I was back home for months (thanks Covid). I was so happy to be back in his life, but simmering is the perfect description for him. He had become judgmental, unkind, and massively right wing. (Also suicidally unhappy.) I worried, but our lives had diverged so much... I offered support a couple of times, but that defensiveness reared its head, so I backed off.
I stopped mentioning certain subjects because the anger would rear up... I sensed his disgust with various of my beliefs, my history...
My partner tried to warn me that he was bad news, but he was my bro! I trusted him, despite the contempt, the hostility, the simmering rage...
Then he blew up. We had a conversation about Trump, disagreed, and he erupted. He reached for my throat a couple times. He called me a slut, a gold-digger (not a good one, obviously, as I was seriously poor!), a junkie (er, chronic pain, meds, not a problem), immature (not married, no kids - but 8 yrs with partner, never wanted kids, all good here), etc. Left me out in the snow in October in Canada with nowhere to go. Wow. Then 3 years of continued nastiness via email.
So awful, so painful, but I've accepted it now. He's gone the same way as my Dad (who, ironically, he hates). The person I thought I knew doesn't exist.
Still miss him tho. And his wife and kids.
It's sad, right? Keep living YOUR live❤
The hostility the narc in my life displays always seems directed at me. He had a female "friend" who milked him for thousands, and he even gave her his little convertible when her car was repossessed. But, he never got angry with her even though he should have a few times. You wonder "why me"? It gets worse too as time goes by. They make you feel like you can't do anything right.
I am sorry to hear that.Being a scapegoat is rough!
You have the ability to surround yourself with people who will appreciate you. Do that. I don't know if the narc is your dad, grampa, brother, son, boyfriend, husband whoever. Learn these red flags taught on these channels. Know it is nothing more than spiritual warfare. Know you are worth more than an abusive relationship with ANY one. They are put in our path to disrupt our true calling. They were put in our path to destroy us by any means possible. Take control of your life and keep them far away from your self❤No one can protect you like your self.
Anger sent to the wrong address! Time to run.
Yes, if you mention something, it's " why are you telling me that" If you think it's best not to tell them something (trying not to trigger their rage) they might say " you knew such and such, why didn't you tell me". Dammed if you do, Dammed if you don't.
@@margaretmlydon6910 Exactly!
My bro to a tea. Any small thing can set him off. But heaven forbid you say a damn word to him about anything
Hmmm, hate crimes, gas lighting and chaos come to mind as passive aggressive and blatant behaviors.
Freedom Is Priceless, Yet It Shouldn't Be A Luxury...
With Narcissists Around, I Often Think Life In Jail Would Offer More Freedom And Peace.
How Horrible Is That?
I was always aware of that simmering hostility, and was continually trying to deflect it. I should have realized that having to hide my real opinions and values to avoid provoking an outburst, was not a healthy or normal way of living, but you excuse a lot when you have a lifelong family bond with someone. Plus, it did get worse as we became middle aged and seniors, so in the early years it seemed like a slight concession to keep the peace; once I reached my 60s it was like a permanent cloud hanging over me. It even extended to trivial matters of taste: being asked my opinion of a movie was an ordeal, because I knew if I didn't agree with my sister's opinion, it could bring a hostile response. My tactic was to try to find *something* positive to say, even if I didn't share her opinion. Now I think that that didn't really do much good, but just helped build up a mountain of resentment and contempt that finally erupted.
You are a survivor!
Ha. Praise God it erupted!!! It needed to come to a head and get cleaned out. Be strong, which sounds like you are but be gentle on yourself because it was another person's inability to take the responsibility to become a better person by working on their own attitude. You did your best to remain civil and gracious throughout the years. Maybe the best thing would have been to gently confront her long ago that her r hostility wasn't going to be acceptable around you. We just wanted to keep the peace. It's not good to be around any type of perpetual anger. ❤
Any way your have to compromise your TRUE SELF, Yahweh (God) created you to be manifest (in Yahshua Messiah Christ's image and his/one and same) to be is WRONG.
9:44
In my case, after so many decades of trying to figure out what was going on with my narc, I suddenly didn't care about pleasing her anymore, so I just began to be the truth teller with no filters: I just told her what I thought about her, in a calm and measured way. I just didn't care anymore. I stopped kowtowing to her and told her calmly that there was to be no more relationship building, just polite superficial exchanges at infrequent family events. Finally acknowledging what my body had been telling me for 50 years ("Get away from this person!") was very restorative to me. My inner self had been telling me for so long, and yet I allowed myself to be fooled by her the whole time. No more. I have so much love coming from so many other people that I finally gave up the false promise that this person could ever come to love me. That is very freeing.
I married a religious narc....He was raised Pentecostal and myself a Catholic....He took delight in telling me how all my relatives are in hell...Even threw out my dead grandmother's rosary beads...The only thing I had left of her...Forced me to go to his church and used get drunk and scream bible verses in my face...That was hell...3 years narc free now and loving life.
My marriage vastly improved when we confronted the narc in our lives. He blew up and said that he never wanted to see us again.
Problem solved.
After a couple of decades (even before that on a lesser scale with others) of being lied to, blind-sided, controlled, and having others pitted against me, I now feel people can't be trusted, are out to get me, and have some of this simmering hostility myself. I certainly wish it was different, but I can't help how I am feeling. I am STILL finding out lies, being blind-sided and under control waiting for another rug to be pulled out from under me. My situation is not one where I can make it stop. I don't know if healing is possible by this point. It's a long, crazy story that would fill a few Lifetime movies. :(
You are not suffering alone.
@@Greenawareness188 Thank you for understanding, though I wish people weren't like this ( the terrible narcs) and there was nothing to understand at all.
You can still always trust Jesus Christ. Please start to read your bible (Psalms, Romans) and receive grace and peace for your life. Find rest in Christ. Blessings your way! 🙏
I feel this is a true pandamic ,they seem to be everywhere ,i don't think it has all to do with the upbringing of children but for some it is ,they are the product of ignorant child minders if and when they show tendicies ,in schools they need to teach how to raise a child to ,but that is my utopia way if thinking .
I was thinking the same… the constant lying and gaslighting at work makes me tense and a simmering hostility describes my feelings on tough days of being spoken to disrespectfully, lied to and gaslighted. It’s tough - that’s why I am watching.
By the way Dr.C if I am ever out of line with my comments please don’t leave me in the wrong, I would rather be corrected by you than anyone else in this world, no matter how much I know, I don’t know more than you.
I love your comments, Fred. No worries!
It takes many years to come to terms with these relationships.
My dear old dad didnt simmer. He was always on a low boil and like pasta would randomly boil over and i dont miss it at all
Dr. C. The more I listen to your videos, the more I get aware and put a name and meaning to what I witness on a daily basis. I have just now listening to you, known without really realizing it, that I knew, for many years now, that my narc husband has and is simmering inside like a volcano of hostlity. I don't know how many times when there was just us two in the house, I have heard him whistling like a snake under his breath, angrily, inaudible words, but with so much hostility seconds after I have just had a basic normal "conversation " with him. And, this really spooked me every time, but until just now, I never could put a name or meaning to what was going on. He is simmering with hostility. And to think that this is the core of his being is .....well, I'm wordless on this one.
Satan's mission is to keep us on edge and away from the peace of Christ Jesus. The narcs were groomed unwittingly to do just that. Narcs are the pawns of demonic control.
I've seen it and been on the receiving end of it .... horrendous.
The narcissists lives daily with simmering hostility..which is what they create in you. You have to control this feeling and NOT react to it. This is the battle. Once you let your hostility out, back at the narcissist, they have won that battle. They have made you feel bad which makes them feel good as they can control you..
They don't know how to change what's making them unhappy much less identify why they aren't happy (their happiness is based on praise and achievements aka narcissistic supply), so if they can make someone else feel like what they do on the inside then that means that other person doesn't have something they don't. They're jealous of other's happiness because of their internalized self-loathing
I wish I were Gus. Gus seems to have an amazing life. Doesn't have to worry about sociopaths or narcissistic abuse. Sigh.