every time you upload, it's like metting an old school friend at the pub. your content got me through so much in my teen years and now as a young trans woman rebuilding my life from the lowest point, i once again turned to your old videos for comfort. while i can only speak for myself, i fell in love with your channel because you were a ray of hope in an otherwise bleak life but it wasn't because you were always happy, it was because you were unapologetically you and there's nothing more inspiring than that. no matter what happens in the future, i'll always look forward to an upload from you in my subbox.
Back when you were first transitioning, I found you on RUclips. Hi Stef- I'm a 61 year old grandma. Back then my daughter had just married the most wonderful person, and within a few years, that person became aware that they needed to express their true self. They told my daughter, and with her loving support, they divorced. She spent years transitioning, and I spent years trying to understand that process. My daughter understood and had no hard feelings. I had a photo album full of photos of my daughter with this wonderful, beautiful, masculine person. You helped me understand more. Your journey has helped me evolve. I saw you begin to spin out of control, and I worried about you. But I (a cis woman) once did the same thing. I think it's personal evolution. Thank you for sharing all these experiences. And please do be happy. You're a beautiful person. ❤
So beautifully said. I love that you used the term “evolve”. I feel that so much. I thank everyone who dared to share their stories. It helped me open my mind so much that I’m honestly SHOCKED at what I used to believe. I wasn’t evil. I was just IGNORANT. Unpacking allowed me to love deeper and I’m so thankful. Thank you for putting words to the journey many of us have addressing inner biases. I am a better person because I am able to love people unconditionally while learning to love myself just as purely. ❤
I have been watching Stef since her video explaining her Waardenburg Syndrome, which I'm sure a lot of her loyal fanbase has, and watching her grow in her whole process, it's hard not to feel some sort of parasocial relationship with Stef. Watching her grow and blossom into herself, while maintaining transparency, makes her such a close safe space for me. Hearing her begin this video "thank you for being here" really did feel like a close friend was thanking me for listening to her speak. I started to cry, almost out of guilt for coming too close to not being around anymore. This being uploaded 4 days ago, while I'm in the thick of the worst mental/physical shape I've ever been in, hearing "thank you for being here" reminds me that being alive is helping others. I'm glad to be here to listen to you Stef, thank you for reminding me that showing up, being around, is helpful for others in ways that I don't usually think about.
As a longtime watcher I can honestly say that when you are gone for a long time I'm not mad or upset or worried, but everytime you come back it brings me such happiness and peace to just see you and feel your presence and hear your voice that I wonder to myself how I've gone so long without it. It's like seeing your hughschool friend after years of growing up. You're always still you deep down and it is so nice to catch up on whatever you have going on. I hope this helps with your doubts about coming back so many times. All my Love ❤
If fact i would even say she has gotten even MORE beautiful as time has gone on, which I didn't even think was possible because she was already so gorgeous.
Thank you so much for sharing. Years ago, I was a school nurse in a high school and I had several trans girls in my school. I remember showing them your videos about make up. They would stop by my clinic and thank me for introducing them to you. One went on to win a youth award with HRC for volunteer work she did. I now live in France-have for almost 7 years. I was diagnosed with melanoma and now have a huge dip the the front side of my right calf. I’m also on immunotherapy with lovely side effects. I no longer feel like myself. My sweet husband of almost 32 years started putting sticky notes on the bathroom mirror. I started putting on clothes and taking small walks in my village in SW France. I put on make up. I leave notes for my husband in his home office. I bake for us and friends when I have the energy. I also give myself grace. When I hear your voice, I can also hear the voice of my students saying how incredible it was to know you. Much love from a very long time subscriber. ❤
You sound very loving and caring, I wish your years of care for others come back to you tenfold in your time of need. Sending you strength and love, and wishing you all the best in your immunotherapy.
Dear Stef, you have no idea how much everything you said today meant for me. I've been here on this channel since 2016, you've inspired me and gotten me through so damn much. And I love that after so many years you keep doing that. Listening to you feels like chatting with an old friend, one that knows and loves you even though you don't see each other often. Today I guess I needed just that. You spoke out loud about all the things I've been struggling with, things I've been feeling so ashamed of I couldn't bring myself to talk about it. I can't put into words how every single word you said felt my own. When you let your hair down after finishing the make up, I thought to myself "there it is, the spark in her eyes" and then you said "Stef Sanjati, where are you? I think she's kinda right here"... I can't explain everything this video made me feel. I cried like a baby, I guess I needed that too. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for creating such a beautiful safe space for emotion and vulnerability. I felt very loved watching this, I always did, in every one of your videos. To have a stranger from across the world in the internet touch your heart and take away your loneliness is one of the most beautiful things we have in this era. feel so proud of you and how far you've come, I hope you feel all this love too. Until next time ❤ PS: in this household we love a lengthy, complexy multi-layered analogy to explain the most basic and relatable thing!!!we're just girls❤
The things you're figuring out now in your youth I have only just started figuring out in my 40's. Please don't be too hard on yourself for your journey, for being stuck, for being afraid, or anything else. All of these feelings and experiences are valid. Give yourself a hug just once a day. Literally. Say one kind thing to yourself once a day. Have as many restarts as you need. You are loved and appreciated, and worthy of all the good things.
hearing the youtuber who saved my life talk about exactly what she saved me from is breath taking and wonderful that im even more understood. Thank you so much for sharing this so much. This not only resonated with younger Jak who found you at the start of my transition but also 28 year old jak whos also wondering "where are you" to my inner being. Thank you Stef. Thank you. Im proud of you.
Every time you upload I feel like I’m seeing a friend I haven’t talked to in a long time. Not in a weird parasocial way, but in a familiar comforting way. You were one of the first people I subscribed to when I really started using RUclips.
Thank you, I needed to hear this. I wish I had a friend like you. I just turned 39 and also lost last 6, maybe more, years to depersonalization/derealisation and to discovering layers of trauma and pain, and sitting in it. It is tiring. Your family imploded, my life exploded, shattered in pieces, I lost everything I knew and loved. In this challenging time I also became a mother, came out of a toxic marriage and got diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. Now trying to pick up the pieces and glue them back together, but building something new, because some pieces got lost, some don't fit any more, and I also found some new ones. I hope I and you, and everybody reading this, can move on and get out on the other side, and be like your grandma some day, old and happy 🙂 Much love from Poland ❤
For the past 4 years, ive been seriously struggling with depression and anxiety. The past year in a half, i haven't been able to work. Gained weight, stopped showering, brushing teeth, brushing hair, putting on makeup up. I didn't get out of bed. I didn't look in mirrors. And constant debilitating anxiety. I got a new doctor two weeks ago. (Thanks to my mom) Its a tumor in my adrenal gland called pheochromocytoma. It causes a constant flight or fight response and deadly high blood pressure. Its super rare and often misdiagnosed. I feel hope for the first time, in a long time, even being told i have cancer. I haven't thought about your channel in a long time. And something made me want to check in on your channel today. And i needed this more than you know. It was fate... 🙏 Thank you. Truly
I don’t have pheochromocytoma but I have dysautonomia that causes me to also be in a constant state of fight or flight. It’s an awful thing to experience and I’m glad you have answers and a potential light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you’re able to go into remission and find some normalcy again
You know I’m actually really relieved that I’m not the only one feeling and going through this. “Where are you?” Really resonated with me. I feel you and hope you recover.
I’m still watching this but I’m just going to say I’m so glad to see you again. I’ve watched you since a couple years ago and I love your real content and this journey you’ve shared with us. I’m sorry for how you’re feeling and I see that sparkle in your eyes my love ! You still have it and we’re so excited go see you back and have so much enthusiasm for the future. ❤❤❤
I've been watching you for nearly all the time you've been on RUclips. I was hooked with your amazing hair colors and then how honest you came to the platform. And still, to this day, I am excited to see a video from you. I think a lot of us can relate to starting and stopping of things we really WANT to do. But the beauty of being human is that you get to keep trying. We love to see you and experience this platform with you. Thank you for being you and sharing that with us.
the way you articulated how it feels to look back on a past version of yourself that has not experienced such pain was extremely relatable to me. my life completely flipped upside down from ages 22 to now 25 and i feel so lost. i also so badly want to find that more hopeful and happy girl that lives inside of me. thank you for sharing, thank you so much for sharing and making some of us feel less alone.
Your experience with feeling discomfort in order to build the life you want is so so relevant to me. I lost my father this summer and I had to really sit down and ask myself if I am satisfied with my life. Growing up I didn’t have guidance for figuring out my own core values and living by them. I’ve spent a lot of my time this year to make concrete values that I must live by, and it has BOOSTED my happiness and satisfaction. I had to set boundaries with myself, how I treat myself and others, how I take care of my living space and my family. I have had to FIGHT to be happy and gentle and stop my loops of guilt, shame, and neglect. Thank you for your openness and vulnerability, Stef. These are such complex battles with self. Love you ❤️
I'm 27 and my parents are in the middle of an increasingly fraught divorce. Thank you so much for talking about the impact that your parent's divorce/family imploding had on you. I know that all of my feelings of abandonment and nostalgia for an imagined future aren't wrong, but it still often feels so lonely to be mourning the loss of my family unit as an adult. I appreciate you sharing that; makes me feel seen.
I transitioned at the same time as you and watching you thrive was a big part of believing that I could do it. It felt as though I had a sister by my side. I've also had a rough few years and I've just recently put myself back together. Nearly 30 and I'm back in school doing something I love. So happy to see your face again Stef
You've basically described my entire 20s. Starting and giving up. The lack of self belief and negative self talk and fear. It has consumed me. Hope you can maintain kindness to yourself.
Hell yeah there’s discomfort in pursing goals! That’s something it took me soooo long to understand. Really proud of you Stef. Can’t wait to see where you continue to go in life.
Steffff!!!!!!!! No joke, I check back every month or two to see if you’ve uploaded a video. Glad to finally see one on here. Watched til the end and while you don’t need to explain just for us sometimes explaining helps us verbalize and work thru our thoughts and emotions. Fear IS the mind killer. So here’s a friendly reminder to make another video for us 😉. Whether it’s a simple chat or an amazing makeup tutorial, we are here for it. Don’t overthink and don’t forget us. Hugs!
I can't put into words how much I needed this video. Over the last 2 years, my disability has gone from bad to having seizures and putting me in the ICU. Lost my dad on March 11th...my autoimmune disease makes me lethargic and having depression on top of that makes me stay in bed after taking care of my animals. In my head, I want to pick makeup back up again, I want to go outside and feel the sun. Go out with friends. The idea of getting dressed, showering. Is just exhausting. My husband is amazing, and he understands me perfectly. So he doesn't push. It's so hard to put in a comment, but basically, the only "exercise" I can do is walk up the steps. I have scarring all in my lung tissue called ILD. I literally can't breathe anymore if I do anything more than that. I am 33 now. The last few years, my body literally said "fuck you", and fell apart. Summer is starting and we have a pool and yard after finally buying a house. I can't play with our dogs. Can't swim. Can't go for walks to help lose this weight. Can't stand for too long due to slipped disc's in my lower back, can't sit still for too long because my sides and shoulders start to hurt 😞😕 Definitely needed something to help. Thank you 🖤🖤🖤
I lived with GAD for almost my entire life and I have suffered so many panic attacks where I thought I was dying and honestly I don't know if it gets easier but it helps to have someone that you love with you... I know you can do whatever you want! You're amazing girl!!!!
This feels insanely relatable. I often feel so deflated about how shameless bad people are. The worst people in the world have absolutely zero shame and are usually arrogant in their pursuits. I want to be able to do that, but for good stuff. I want to share joy, because the world is already dark enough. I believe we should do what we can to brighten it. You feel down about yourself bc you care. Bc you want to be better or be great. You are already great ❤ Sending love ur way girly
god. the impact this video had on me was unexpected. i stopped to ugly sob. because of what a strong, inspiring, and vulnerable person you are, and because of how i finally do not feel alone in my anguish and trauma. like someone finally crafted the perfect words to explain the scattered chaos inside. im in a tough season of life which can feel permanent and hopeless sometimes (i write this at 4am unable to sleep), but your genuine care and compassion shone through to my shattered core. thank you Stef ❤ i was wondering how you were doing and found this video. i am wishing so much light, love, and healing for you. it goes without saying but you deserve it
stef thank you sooooo much for coming on here and speaking from your heart♥️ i’m going through a similar thing where i have lost a lot of my ability to know how i feel and it’s made me really stuck, isolated, and has brought out sides of me im not proud of. i feel like i’m on the upswing of things because i’m learning the importance of vulnerability/openness again and this video has helped give me hope and strength to continue on that path. sending lots of love to you!!♥️
Thank you Stef, it's really brave of you to express all of this, I've not had all the problems you've had, but I lost myself for several years too, it really means something to me that you took the time to discuss how you wanna build yourself back up :) life is tough, but people are tough and you are too, it'll be okay, would be great to see you do what makes you most happy so keep at it 😊❤️
I just need you to know you did change my life. I transitioned recently and I don't think I would've done that without watching your content back in the day and learning so much from you. I love when you upload to this day and I don't mind if it's not very often, it's just nice to hear from you. You're very good and I think you've helped so many people like me. You do not have to do this but you gotta know it has had a positive effect on people. Absolutely.
I seriously just opened this app to find something that would make me feel young again. Something familiar from a simpler time. The air smelled a certain way when I opened my window, and this is just exactly what I needed, posted only 15 minutes ago. Thank you, Steph. Sending so much love 💕
Ah, you're super important, but a lot of us burn out, come and go, etc. My own channel is always 'coming back soon', too, but right now, I've had to focus on business. People will still be here for you if and when you're ever able to get back to being consistent and 'doing RUclips' (or not) xox
SHE’s alive yay, literally my entire childhood, this was my hero as a kid. get home from school and watch stef. it’s like she was talking right to me. all the vlogs and travelling, and the time she tried tobacco hehe…. the rebel phase. i could go on and on, like a real mom i swear.
I hit that time when I was 25. I was met with a bunch of personal failures, things that just didn’t work out, and toxic relationships. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t just try to endure it anymore and open up with my struggles to the people I’m close to. The whole mantra, “if someone came to me in confidence with this, would I look at them like a burden?”. I think promised myself no more excuses. Be honest no matter if it makes me look bad. I did all of that and made a radical career change, and pursued what I wanted and said frick staying in the mold others made for myself. The healing from those things I am grateful for. Now, I’m in the place where distractions are a real problem. I’m trying to capture those simple, analog pleasure I had in my childhood and teens in particular. I’m in my 30s now and I’m over the quarter life crisis but now I’m trying to find hobbies and simple undistracted pleasures again. All of that to say, I know how you feel in many ways. I guess that focus for the last decade was -Honesty without excuses -setting boundaries -being open about vulnerabilities -knowing my personal limits -simple human pleasures Stef, I this hump will get better with time. There’s something magical about your 30s. It’s like all the sudden things start falling into place. It’s a place for mostly maintenance rather than growth. It’s gets boring rather than painful lol. Have faith. You’ve got this
I'm so happy I randomly thought of you and decided to come back to your channel. ❤ I hope you'll continue to make videos like this every now and then, i just love to see how people process emotions and events, and you're so relatable! And the way you talk is sooo soothing ❤ much love to you Stef, I've been following you for like 8 years.
I feel like this video came across at the perfect time for me. I'm also turning 29 and feel like I'm in the exact same mental state. This isn't the first time one of your videos have helped me immensely. Thank you so much for creating your content❤
Knowing you're not alone in feeling lost in the darkness helps. Listening to you explain things and talk about your trials and tribulations makes me remember that no matter how low I get and how dark it gets there is always brightness at the end. You are an inspiration. You are a beautiful light In this world.
I saw the video a couple of days ago and felt the need to return to leave you a message. I'm one of those silent followers who watch videos, give a thumbs-up, but rarely interact in the comment section. This time, however, I felt the need to break the silence and say THANK YOU. Not just for the years of content you've created for us, but especially for this video. It resonated with me on many levels and made me reflect on my own personal story, particularly how difficult it can be for some of us to forgive ourselves and truly enjoy life. Thank you for this video, Stef ❤ I believe many of us got it at a crucial moment in our healing journey from past traumas
I feel like I just had a chat with a therapist. Thanks Stef. I think this monologue is exactly what I need to hear. I'm currently hating myself (jobless, insecure, unworthy, etc) and I really need to get over this hurdle. Asking "where I am" is a good start, and I don't have that answer right now but, I want to find it. Always wishing you the best
I’ve missed you! When I got on yt and saw your gorgeous face, I couldn’t click faster. Listening to you is so calming, you are so genuine, beautiful and intelligent. Thank you for coming back and especially with this message. I’ve been struggling for the last couple of years with the very same things you shared. You definitely are not alone ❤️
You are such an intelligent, beautiful inside and out, and such a bright light in this world. I've followed you for years because of your wisdom, strength, and beauty! I really needed to hear this message today, I think it will be helpful to all sorts of people regardless of age, economic situation, whether they're part of the LGBTQIA+ community. I'm a cis-gendered woman and allie, and you matter and are so important, Stef! Thank you for being so open, raw and vulnerable. I love you and I'm sending you so much love and light, sweetness! 🌈💖🌈💖🌈
Part of Parenting yourself is also being a Mama Bear for little you, even if it’s protecting you from yourself. I’m a little bun here, been here for a longtime, and I’m so happy to see you again. ❤
Don't try to bring the old Stef back, Help the new Stef rise from the ashes. We can never get back who we were, but we can choose who we want to be moving forward and aim for it. I cant believe I found your channel 9 years ago!! I was 22, I was such a baby. I'm so sorry you've been having such a rough time, but I'm glad you're finding ways to express your truth in a way that allows you to heal. You might not heal fast, and you will have set backs - but two steps forward and 1 step back in still moving forward. Just keep taking care of yourself.
I don’t normally do comments. Girl, you’ve been in inspiration for me for years! I found your channel when I first started my transition. I get everything you’re saying about not being in touch with your feelings and not being able to hold both. I’m starting to work on that myself. I’m so glad you’re back, I’ve missed you!!
Stef, I wanted to say that watching through your video was a pretty deep experience. I've been struggling with depression my whole life and it's been making me think about where my life has been in the last 45 years I've been around. I've been chasing happiness since I became an adult and it's been a reminder to me that I have to take care of myself first in order to achieve the happiness I desire. I just wish I had your insight into depression when I was your age. At least it's not too late for me to start on the path to taking better care of myself. Thank you for making this video.
Oh my god. I'm both sad and relieved that I am late to this video by 2 months. Watching this tonight could not have come at a better time. I cried about 10 times, but I so needed this video. Thank you Stef ❤ the last two years have been a mess, but listening to you in this video gives me such hope in my future
Stef, over the years your videos have meant so much to me, a scared MTF woman...who has finally start the path to seeking therapy and going on HRT. It's because of you that I knew I could handle it and that I want to be authentically me... for the first time in a LONG time. I can breath now, because you taught me its ok.
I have missed you lady. Thank you for this video. You had me on the verge of tears many times with how much I relate to the feelings you've been having and the things you've been through. Hearing how much you've grown and how much you've reflected on your life makes me excited to see where you go next. We're here with you and you are doing amazing.
I really appreciate you being so open and thoughtful in this. Self reflection is something we could all do more of, no matter how tough or strange it can be. Also the quality of the vid itself is crazy good, very impressive. Gonna check out more of the vids, thanks for this!
I'm only half way through, but the part about reparenting yourself and self care really got through to me. You have a way of articulating things so eloquently that breaks through my defensiveness and really gets me to hear what you're saying. It's a gift. Thank you.
I’be been a longtime viewer and subscriber, Stef! This video really hit a cord with me and I resonate so much with the things you are saying about our self-perception, loss of confidence and doubting our inner beauty. These are things along with bad mental health that I’ve struggled with for years! Thank you for posting such a raw video, we love you here 🫶🏻💕
I resonantes so much with this topic. From the complex feelings of wanting to be myself but also the biggest critic of oneself. I’m still working towards getting out of the bout of depression I’ve been in but this helped ground myself. Videos like this wake up the part of me that I have been neglecting. Thank you for being unapologetically authentic to yourself and sharing it so openly, Stef. It does impact others in the positive change that you’ve wanted to achieve and even with the ups and downs of life, we see it in you. Your goal doesn’t seem unreasonable or unobtainable with the mindset you have and the drive you have to get there. It’s infectious and a radiant quality that few act upon in life. You’re going to go far and I can’t wait to see more of your journey!!! ❤❤❤
Oh, Steph. Thank you for being here. Your shares and videos through the years have helped me grow alongside you (I’ll be 28 this month). When you share something we have in common, it makes me feel less alone. When you share something we don’t have in common, it helps me grow in a fuller understanding of the human experience. Your storytelling skills have consistently drawn me in, and maybe that’s the core of what I want to say. Shared experience can bring us one step closer to better understanding and just not feeling so damn alone. I appreciate ya. I do, because regardless if you can see it, you have the bravery and the verve. It’s hard to start something yes, but I think it can be even harder to return (at least for me) and - well, I’m just glad you’re back.
it's been 5 years since my GRS had major complications. The fall out from all of that, on top of other life things with people and relationships. I've felt like I've been chasing to find who I was before the surgery. The sense of loss had been so profound that I felt I would never be anywhere close to that person again. But this past week after much work, therapy, love and finally supportive relationships; I'm ready. Finally taking hard steps forward. Seeing this video just as I'm getting started feels serendipitous and rallying. To you and everyone: I believe in you. I empathize with you. Thank you for sharing. As you said, we're all struggling. It can be so tricky and exhausting. But it's a struggle worth all the effort. We got this. We ALL got this. As we all move forward we might stagger, stumble, fall. But we're still moving forward and that is huge.
Honestly, I love your less scripted content, it's so genuine. I've been watching your content for several years now. I've seen your ups and downs, growrh, joy, and pain (from what you've shared), and it has all been so valuable to who you are and who many other people are. I would not have had the courage to continue with my transition, or to push through depression, or to find joy in my life without my BreadMom. I relate on so many levels. You are not a single Pilar bearing weight alone. Becuse of you, we have a community that makes us feel safe, seen, and heard. Your younger than I am by a couple years, but I still look up to you. You are valued and valuable. Love you BreadMom, keep pushing through ❤ I'm excited to see what you can achieve.
OMG I needed this. I'm literally holding back tears. I've been stuck in this exact same place for the past like 6 years. I'm so tired of being tired and scared. I want to get back to that spark too. I'm ready to move forward, with my true self.
I've never heard someone elses experience about having their parents divorce in early adulthood like mine did + losing the childhood home + feeling like I put my life on hold for yeaaars afterwards etc. I'm only 12 min into your video Stef but I feel so seen and relate to you so much. I also totally felt like my life imploded and honestly still do because of my parents divorce. Especially when it happened just as I was about to really start my life in my late teens. I've watched your channel for over a decade now when I first saw you on ALBinwonderlands channel and it means so much to hear how we were going through similar things at similar times. I really look up to you and even though Ive only watched a bit of this video I just feel so comforted by our shared experience. It makes me feel so much less alone!! Wishing you all the best Stef!! 💖💖💖💖💖💖
Proud of you for addressing the hard feelings with yourself and grateful to you for sharing them. I've been on a similar mental health journey over the years and it's always wonderful to feel less alone in it all. Also the analogies only get better the higher you stack them
Stef!!! I have been following you for so long and was so happy to see you again. I am sooo not your demographic. Am too old, don't do gaming, etc - but have watched you through your whole transition and feel like you are a friend. And I might be old, but still no wiser and your words were inspiring. So happy to see you still trying and finding your place. Much love to you x
i love you stef. you were one of the youtubers that inspied me the most in this world. you were such a unique light that i resonated with so much. your existence gave me and continues to give me hope for a better world
Stef! You inspired me to live my life as me! I started transitioning about 7 years ago and watching your videos has always helped me. You helped me do my make up and helped me transition. I appreciate you and your videos!
I am glad you are back, this video touched my heart and like many here made me feel less alone in my experiences these last few years I got into such a deep depression over the years that I didnt want to wake up in the morning it was an effort to just participate in life. I have started to try to make things better for myself and address my mental and physical health. Thank you for your honesty and speaking from the heart.
Ok so I used to watch your videos and I'm so glad I came across this one. Im currently 19 and about to be 20 (so yes I am one of the 2004 babies) and just finished my first year of college.... so you relating back to that time in your life really helped put things in perspective for me. Especially talking about how, if someone wants to do something, they actually have to get up and do it. This past year has been such a crazy ride for me and life seems to be coming at me fast, but watching your video really helped me calm down, think about everything, and understand that I still have so much time to grow and change and that I shouldn't be putting sooo much pressure on myself, but that I should also be pushing myself a little more in some areas to do things I want to do with my life. So, thank you! And im so glad to see your videos again :)
Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable with us 🩷 I’m crying watching this because the feeling of losing yourself and feeling lost is familiar to me, and also the use of makeup and style to help me feel more confident and like myself 🩷🩷🩷 some days I can’t leave the house because of anxiety and sensory issues, but when I do my make I feel like I have armour on ⚔️ it makes me feel like I can face the world outside my front door, it makes me feel more like myself 🌷
Thank you for your heart Stef. I recently lost my mom. We were very close. She was my biggest supporter. She encouraged me to make art, be myself and share my heart. I'm going to be a mess for a moment. That's ok. But I am also going to notice the beautiful things in this world when I miss her. I'm going to be kind to myself like she was. I'm going to keep going because she would want me to keep on living my life. I might not ever "get over it". That's ok. Sending everyone love. I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
I've missed you! You are always such a breath of fresh air. Don't be too hard on yourself, as someone 7 years older I can say with certainty you do have wisdom beyond your years. Your beauty stems from your compassion, intelligence and humility to share both. The pretty face is a cherry on top 😊. Thank you for coming back and being so forthright.
I have been watching you since 2016. Your spark and sass were always fun to see. I am sorry you had to go thru the hell of the last four years, but you are coming out the other side wiser. Life will always be waiting to surprise you (for the good, and bad). It’s having the knowledge to handle the surprises and faith in yourself to get thru them that will help you survive. Those skills only come with time.
Gosh I love you so much 🥹❤️ it’s always the greatest feeling when the RUclipsrs you watched when you were young grow up at the same time as you and express their own experience in their most creative beautiful selves 😍 it’s so nice to see you again! I missed you bread mom 🍞 I am so proud of you and whenever I wear my breadsquad Merch it brings me so much joy ❤ Hugs from Vienna 🫶🏻
I am new to your content, but I just wanted to let you know that your demeanor, voice, and vulnerability are hypnotizing. I felt like I was sitting through a therapy session in the best way possible. I'm a new fan. Thank you for being you.
I found you when i was just starting transition and even though you are 25 years younger than me you have been an AMAZING inspiration. I have watched you go through so much. Coming from a place you starting to feel now, as a grown person, all the ups and downs we have seen you go through and the fact you are still here doing great things and being honest is too inspirational. I am a veteran PTSD has been in my life for a long time. The panic attacks you talk about are so familiar. Feeling like you will never come back is a profoundly, life changing place to be. It funny watching your content has helped bring me back to myself more than once..... So don't kick your own ass to hard you really are doing good things that make a huge difference. Thank you for putting it out there and letting us all know we are not alone.
You have a knack for breaking down and putting into words the difficult emotions I've struggled with expressing recently. It's easy to be so worn down from fighting against my own mind that finding something inspiring, something that makes me think maybe I CAN do better again, is a rare gift, so from one thirty-ish year old woman to another, thank you for sharing. I'm rooting for us both. Also, your bread analogy made me smile.
You are not alone with your mental health. I have felt many of the things you described. So happy to see you post another video and putting yourself out like this.
I've been subbed to you basically from the start, and I feel like our lives feel apart around the same time, putting us in a similar mental space, and at a similar moment we started to dig out of that dark hole in a similar way, so it makes me feel like I haven't been alone through all this. Learning to acknowledge what holds you back and taking reigns of that is a very powerful skill. I believe that the things you learned about how your own mentality functions will result in amazing results for you and I'm genuinely happy for you. Get that spark back, I can still see it in you just waiting to ignite better than ever ✨
Ever since covid I have been struggling, a lot of horrible stuff happened in my life and I haven't really been the same since. It felt like the world moved on but I didn't. I've been battling depression which has derailed my life and made it really difficult for me to take care of myself and the things I need to do. There are so many things I want to do and goals I want to accomplish, I just haven't been able to find the motivation and energy to go after them. I finally reached out to a therapist a week ago and I have my first appointment tomorrow. This video came at the perfect time and your words really inspired me, I know it really is the right time to make a change and turn things around. Thank you so much for your vulnerability and sharing what you are going through. It means a lot and makes me feel less alone ❤️
I relate to what you’re saying and I’ve watched you for years. We’re the same age and this has helped me as I had a really hard day yesterday and I feel like I’m not alone and my experiences are valid. Thank you.
Steph, it’s so great to see you. I’ve missed seeing your presence here but I can relate to everything you’ve experienced and spoke about in this video. I too feel like I lost so much of myself over the last few years and I’m trying so hard to get my spark back. I had major surgery last year and it’s thrown me into a new phase of life and it’s difficult. I see you and I love you 🫶
This video warms my heart, breaks my heart, but ultimately makes me excited to see you move forward and live a life that brings you peace. I’ve been hanging out here since 2016 and it has been a pleasure to grow with you. I’m excited to see the new chapter 🙏🏻🤍
Thank you so much for sharing your story! It resonated a lot, as I have been feeling stuck for years too. This really hit hard: "self-care is not just indulging your pain, parenting is not just comfort". The things I want to achieve is finishing my Master's degree, getting a job in my specialty, transitioning (FtM) and eventually immigrate to Japan. Plus, just making time for hobbies and fitness.
I first found your videos when you were early on in transitioning and you're so right that I never would have guessed that you struggled to show your true feelings at all. Coming back to see you again this long later genuinely feels* healing to me. We're th esame age and knowing you're still going and trying to grow just like i am means everything to me.
When I was first coming out a friend at work showed me your channel, you were the first influencer that made me think I could do it. Thank you for sharing for being here
So good to see you again. Many years ago, you opened my eyes to many different topics. Randomly, I was thinking of you and wondering how you were, and to my surprise, you had uploaded again❤️ just wanted to say you’re awesome
Oh my goddess!!! I have followed your RUclips for years and have wondered many times what happened to you and where you have been. It makes me sad that you have been struggling so much with self love, but I’m happy you are working on changing that. I’m sending all the positive vibes and wishes your way. You deserve to be happy. Love and light! ❤
Your lock down experience is very similar to mine. My creativity and emotions have been stifled since. I felt very numb and not “good enough” for a long time and only recently started working to get out of it. Thank you for sharing!
This video resonated with me so hard that I feel the whiplash. Down to the childhood trauma, to pandemic stealing our first steps into adulthood, to its echo through our lethargy, pain, to the need to reparent oneself and having to do the unpleasant stuff for our own sake. I’ll think about it for a while and just know it’s probably one of the few videos I’ve watched on this app, on the decade I’ve been here almost daily, that I feel will change my life. The other two are by old people, one of them already departed atp. Will probably turn my phone off and have a cathartic cry, because healing is in order and god damn it, it’s enough of being so miserable. Thank you so much for sharing this, hard as it is and long as it took, I hope your efforts get you to your goals.
I had a rough day today, and a lot of what you said really resonated with me, especially this stuff about your family. I didn’t realize how deeply impacting that can be, even as an adult, until it happened to me.
I have panic disorder and I’ve gotten better but I know exactly what you mean, even thinking about it makes me want to throw up. We have had such similar experiences. You’re not alone and I’m happy you can reflect and push through it all and chase your passions
You are so gorgeous and I love your chill storytime vids. Been subbed to your content for almost a decade and you've grown so much but your videos are always so comforting.
revisiting you 7 years later, glad to see you're still making content! im now 24 and 2 years on T! you helped me through being in the closet when I lived with my parents, that was TOUGH. i can't thank you enough
I described to a friend a while back that I felt like I'd lost myself and was trying to find my way back. I've dealt with that feeling for years now and a lot of what you said here resonated. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings on such a public platform. That alone helps build community because it helps people see there are others out there struggling (and working through!) the same things. Excited to see where this energy takes you in the coming year :)
every time you upload, it's like metting an old school friend at the pub. your content got me through so much in my teen years and now as a young trans woman rebuilding my life from the lowest point, i once again turned to your old videos for comfort. while i can only speak for myself, i fell in love with your channel because you were a ray of hope in an otherwise bleak life but it wasn't because you were always happy, it was because you were unapologetically you and there's nothing more inspiring than that. no matter what happens in the future, i'll always look forward to an upload from you in my subbox.
ditto
Exactly 🥰
fr
Same here! Wish you all the best for rebuilding your life.
I feel the same! My favourite video to go back to would definitely have to be the one she is making pasta with her friend always makes me giggle!
Back when you were first transitioning, I found you on RUclips.
Hi Stef- I'm a 61 year old grandma. Back then my daughter had just married the most wonderful person, and within a few years, that person became aware that they needed to express their true self. They told my daughter, and with her loving support, they divorced. She spent years transitioning, and I spent years trying to understand that process.
My daughter understood and had no hard feelings. I had a photo album full of photos of my daughter with this wonderful, beautiful, masculine person.
You helped me understand more. Your journey has helped me evolve.
I saw you begin to spin out of control, and I worried about you. But I (a cis woman) once did the same thing. I think it's personal evolution.
Thank you for sharing all these experiences. And please do be happy. You're a beautiful person. ❤
What a beautiful comment ❤ Thank you for being such a wonderful human!
May God bless you for having an open mind & heart in these times of hate & misunderstanding🤍
So beautifully said. I love that you used the term “evolve”. I feel that so much. I thank everyone who dared to share their stories. It helped me open my mind so much that I’m honestly SHOCKED at what I used to believe. I wasn’t evil. I was just IGNORANT. Unpacking allowed me to love deeper and I’m so thankful. Thank you for putting words to the journey many of us have addressing inner biases. I am a better person because I am able to love people unconditionally while learning to love myself just as purely. ❤
Does she have cancer or any medical history? Her right eye seems to be drifting towards the temple/ear 👂.
@@HighLander-mp6vh Stef has waardensburg syndrome
I have been watching Stef since her video explaining her Waardenburg Syndrome, which I'm sure a lot of her loyal fanbase has, and watching her grow in her whole process, it's hard not to feel some sort of parasocial relationship with Stef. Watching her grow and blossom into herself, while maintaining transparency, makes her such a close safe space for me. Hearing her begin this video "thank you for being here" really did feel like a close friend was thanking me for listening to her speak. I started to cry, almost out of guilt for coming too close to not being around anymore. This being uploaded 4 days ago, while I'm in the thick of the worst mental/physical shape I've ever been in, hearing "thank you for being here" reminds me that being alive is helping others. I'm glad to be here to listen to you Stef, thank you for reminding me that showing up, being around, is helpful for others in ways that I don't usually think about.
I appreciate your comment so much. Thanks for sharing. I hope you're on your way to a better place.
As a longtime watcher I can honestly say that when you are gone for a long time I'm not mad or upset or worried, but everytime you come back it brings me such happiness and peace to just see you and feel your presence and hear your voice that I wonder to myself how I've gone so long without it. It's like seeing your hughschool friend after years of growing up. You're always still you deep down and it is so nice to catch up on whatever you have going on. I hope this helps with your doubts about coming back so many times. All my Love ❤
Beautifully said and I agree wholeheartedly. ❤
ABSOLUTELY AGREED ❤❤
You were pretty ? You're still beautiful...Welcome back!
real
She is beautiful but she's right depression can make you second guess yourself pretty hard
If fact i would even say she has gotten even MORE beautiful as time has gone on, which I didn't even think was possible because she was already so gorgeous.
I just want to say that everyone who watched this video *want* to see you. I've watched you from the early days and I still want to see you.
Thank you so much for sharing. Years ago, I was a school nurse in a high school and I had several trans girls in my school. I remember showing them your videos about make up. They would stop by my clinic and thank me for introducing them to you. One went on to win a youth award with HRC for volunteer work she did.
I now live in France-have for almost 7 years. I was diagnosed with melanoma and now have a huge dip the the front side of my right calf. I’m also on immunotherapy with lovely side effects. I no longer feel like myself. My sweet husband of almost 32 years started putting sticky notes on the bathroom mirror. I started putting on clothes and taking small walks in my village in SW France. I put on make up. I leave notes for my husband in his home office. I bake for us and friends when I have the energy. I also give myself grace.
When I hear your voice, I can also hear the voice of my students saying how incredible it was to know you.
Much love from a very long time subscriber. ❤
You sound very loving and caring, I wish your years of care for others come back to you tenfold in your time of need. Sending you strength and love, and wishing you all the best in your immunotherapy.
you sound like a lovely person ❤
Dear Stef, you have no idea how much everything you said today meant for me. I've been here on this channel since 2016, you've inspired me and gotten me through so damn much. And I love that after so many years you keep doing that. Listening to you feels like chatting with an old friend, one that knows and loves you even though you don't see each other often. Today I guess I needed just that. You spoke out loud about all the things I've been struggling with, things I've been feeling so ashamed of I couldn't bring myself to talk about it. I can't put into words how every single word you said felt my own. When you let your hair down after finishing the make up, I thought to myself "there it is, the spark in her eyes" and then you said "Stef Sanjati, where are you? I think she's kinda right here"... I can't explain everything this video made me feel. I cried like a baby, I guess I needed that too. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for creating such a beautiful safe space for emotion and vulnerability. I felt very loved watching this, I always did, in every one of your videos. To have a stranger from across the world in the internet touch your heart and take away your loneliness is one of the most beautiful things we have in this era. feel so proud of you and how far you've come, I hope you feel all this love too. Until next time ❤
PS: in this household we love a lengthy, complexy multi-layered analogy to explain the most basic and relatable thing!!!we're just girls❤
The things you're figuring out now in your youth I have only just started figuring out in my 40's. Please don't be too hard on yourself for your journey, for being stuck, for being afraid, or anything else. All of these feelings and experiences are valid. Give yourself a hug just once a day. Literally. Say one kind thing to yourself once a day. Have as many restarts as you need. You are loved and appreciated, and worthy of all the good things.
hearing the youtuber who saved my life talk about exactly what she saved me from is breath taking and wonderful that im even more understood. Thank you so much for sharing this so much. This not only resonated with younger Jak who found you at the start of my transition but also 28 year old jak whos also wondering "where are you" to my inner being. Thank you Stef. Thank you. Im proud of you.
ps: id buy the coffee table book -zombieshark on twitch
Every time you upload I feel like I’m seeing a friend I haven’t talked to in a long time. Not in a weird parasocial way, but in a familiar comforting way. You were one of the first people I subscribed to when I really started using RUclips.
Feel the same
Thank you, I needed to hear this. I wish I had a friend like you. I just turned 39 and also lost last 6, maybe more, years to depersonalization/derealisation and to discovering layers of trauma and pain, and sitting in it. It is tiring. Your family imploded, my life exploded, shattered in pieces, I lost everything I knew and loved. In this challenging time I also became a mother, came out of a toxic marriage and got diagnosed with ASD and ADHD. Now trying to pick up the pieces and glue them back together, but building something new, because some pieces got lost, some don't fit any more, and I also found some new ones. I hope I and you, and everybody reading this, can move on and get out on the other side, and be like your grandma some day, old and happy 🙂 Much love from Poland ❤
For the past 4 years, ive been seriously struggling with depression and anxiety. The past year in a half, i haven't been able to work. Gained weight, stopped showering, brushing teeth, brushing hair, putting on makeup up. I didn't get out of bed. I didn't look in mirrors. And constant debilitating anxiety. I got a new doctor two weeks ago. (Thanks to my mom) Its a tumor in my adrenal gland called pheochromocytoma. It causes a constant flight or fight response and deadly high blood pressure. Its super rare and often misdiagnosed. I feel hope for the first time, in a long time, even being told i have cancer. I haven't thought about your channel in a long time. And something made me want to check in on your channel today. And i needed this more than you know. It was fate... 🙏 Thank you. Truly
I don't know if it's appropriate as a stranger, but I just want you to know I wish all the best for you moving forward! That sounds unbelievably tough
i wish you the absolute best you can possibly experience !
Reading your story made me tear up. I KNOW there are beautiful things ahead for you, stranger.
🙏🏽❤️🙏🏽❤️
I don’t have pheochromocytoma but I have dysautonomia that causes me to also be in a constant state of fight or flight. It’s an awful thing to experience and I’m glad you have answers and a potential light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you’re able to go into remission and find some normalcy again
You know I’m actually really relieved that I’m not the only one feeling and going through this. “Where are you?” Really resonated with me. I feel you and hope you recover.
I’m still watching this but I’m just going to say I’m so glad to see you again. I’ve watched you since a couple years ago and I love your real content and this journey you’ve shared with us. I’m sorry for how you’re feeling and I see that sparkle in your eyes my love ! You still have it and we’re so excited go see you back and have so much enthusiasm for the future. ❤❤❤
I've been watching you for nearly all the time you've been on RUclips. I was hooked with your amazing hair colors and then how honest you came to the platform. And still, to this day, I am excited to see a video from you. I think a lot of us can relate to starting and stopping of things we really WANT to do. But the beauty of being human is that you get to keep trying. We love to see you and experience this platform with you. Thank you for being you and sharing that with us.
the way you articulated how it feels to look back on a past version of yourself that has not experienced such pain was extremely relatable to me. my life completely flipped upside down from ages 22 to now 25 and i feel so lost. i also so badly want to find that more hopeful and happy girl that lives inside of me. thank you for sharing, thank you so much for sharing and making some of us feel less alone.
Your experience with feeling discomfort in order to build the life you want is so so relevant to me. I lost my father this summer and I had to really sit down and ask myself if I am satisfied with my life. Growing up I didn’t have guidance for figuring out my own core values and living by them. I’ve spent a lot of my time this year to make concrete values that I must live by, and it has BOOSTED my happiness and satisfaction. I had to set boundaries with myself, how I treat myself and others, how I take care of my living space and my family. I have had to FIGHT to be happy and gentle and stop my loops of guilt, shame, and neglect. Thank you for your openness and vulnerability, Stef. These are such complex battles with self. Love you ❤️
I am quite literally going through this exact same thing. Thank you for sharing this and making some of us less alone.
I'm 27 and my parents are in the middle of an increasingly fraught divorce. Thank you so much for talking about the impact that your parent's divorce/family imploding had on you. I know that all of my feelings of abandonment and nostalgia for an imagined future aren't wrong, but it still often feels so lonely to be mourning the loss of my family unit as an adult. I appreciate you sharing that; makes me feel seen.
I transitioned at the same time as you and watching you thrive was a big part of believing that I could do it. It felt as though I had a sister by my side. I've also had a rough few years and I've just recently put myself back together. Nearly 30 and I'm back in school doing something I love. So happy to see your face again Stef
You've basically described my entire 20s. Starting and giving up. The lack of self belief and negative self talk and fear. It has consumed me. Hope you can maintain kindness to yourself.
Hell yeah there’s discomfort in pursing goals! That’s something it took me soooo long to understand. Really proud of you Stef. Can’t wait to see where you continue to go in life.
Steffff!!!!!!!!
No joke, I check back every month or two to see if you’ve uploaded a video. Glad to finally see one on here. Watched til the end and while you don’t need to explain just for us sometimes explaining helps us verbalize and work thru our thoughts and emotions.
Fear IS the mind killer.
So here’s a friendly reminder to make another video for us 😉. Whether it’s a simple chat or an amazing makeup tutorial, we are here for it. Don’t overthink and don’t forget us.
Hugs!
I can't put into words how much I needed this video. Over the last 2 years, my disability has gone from bad to having seizures and putting me in the ICU. Lost my dad on March 11th...my autoimmune disease makes me lethargic and having depression on top of that makes me stay in bed after taking care of my animals. In my head, I want to pick makeup back up again, I want to go outside and feel the sun. Go out with friends. The idea of getting dressed, showering. Is just exhausting. My husband is amazing, and he understands me perfectly. So he doesn't push. It's so hard to put in a comment, but basically, the only "exercise" I can do is walk up the steps. I have scarring all in my lung tissue called ILD. I literally can't breathe anymore if I do anything more than that. I am 33 now. The last few years, my body literally said "fuck you", and fell apart. Summer is starting and we have a pool and yard after finally buying a house. I can't play with our dogs. Can't swim. Can't go for walks to help lose this weight. Can't stand for too long due to slipped disc's in my lower back, can't sit still for too long because my sides and shoulders start to hurt 😞😕
Definitely needed something to help. Thank you 🖤🖤🖤
I lived with GAD for almost my entire life and I have suffered so many panic attacks where I thought I was dying and honestly I don't know if it gets easier but it helps to have someone that you love with you... I know you can do whatever you want! You're amazing girl!!!!
This feels insanely relatable. I often feel so deflated about how shameless bad people are. The worst people in the world have absolutely zero shame and are usually arrogant in their pursuits.
I want to be able to do that, but for good stuff. I want to share joy, because the world is already dark enough. I believe we should do what we can to brighten it.
You feel down about yourself bc you care. Bc you want to be better or be great. You are already great ❤
Sending love ur way girly
god. the impact this video had on me was unexpected. i stopped to ugly sob. because of what a strong, inspiring, and vulnerable person you are, and because of how i finally do not feel alone in my anguish and trauma. like someone finally crafted the perfect words to explain the scattered chaos inside. im in a tough season of life which can feel permanent and hopeless sometimes (i write this at 4am unable to sleep), but your genuine care and compassion shone through to my shattered core. thank you Stef ❤ i was wondering how you were doing and found this video. i am wishing so much light, love, and healing for you. it goes without saying but you deserve it
stef thank you sooooo much for coming on here and speaking from your heart♥️ i’m going through a similar thing where i have lost a lot of my ability to know how i feel and it’s made me really stuck, isolated, and has brought out sides of me im not proud of. i feel like i’m on the upswing of things because i’m learning the importance of vulnerability/openness again and this video has helped give me hope and strength to continue on that path. sending lots of love to you!!♥️
Thank you Stef, it's really brave of you to express all of this, I've not had all the problems you've had, but I lost myself for several years too, it really means something to me that you took the time to discuss how you wanna build yourself back up :) life is tough, but people are tough and you are too, it'll be okay, would be great to see you do what makes you most happy so keep at it 😊❤️
I just need you to know you did change my life. I transitioned recently and I don't think I would've done that without watching your content back in the day and learning so much from you. I love when you upload to this day and I don't mind if it's not very often, it's just nice to hear from you. You're very good and I think you've helped so many people like me. You do not have to do this but you gotta know it has had a positive effect on people. Absolutely.
I seriously just opened this app to find something that would make me feel young again. Something familiar from a simpler time. The air smelled a certain way when I opened my window, and this is just exactly what I needed, posted only 15 minutes ago. Thank you, Steph. Sending so much love 💕
I could listen to you speak for hours. Thank you for opening up this way.
Ah, you're super important, but a lot of us burn out, come and go, etc. My own channel is always 'coming back soon', too, but right now, I've had to focus on business.
People will still be here for you if and when you're ever able to get back to being consistent and 'doing RUclips' (or not) xox
SHE’s alive yay, literally my entire childhood, this was my hero as a kid. get home from school and watch stef. it’s like she was talking right to me. all the vlogs and travelling, and the time she tried tobacco hehe…. the rebel phase. i could go on and on, like a real mom i swear.
I hit that time when I was 25. I was met with a bunch of personal failures, things that just didn’t work out, and toxic relationships.
I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t just try to endure it anymore and open up with my struggles to the people I’m close to. The whole mantra, “if someone came to me in confidence with this, would I look at them like a burden?”. I think promised myself no more excuses. Be honest no matter if it makes me look bad.
I did all of that and made a radical career change, and pursued what I wanted and said frick staying in the mold others made for myself. The healing from those things I am grateful for.
Now, I’m in the place where distractions are a real problem. I’m trying to capture those simple, analog pleasure I had in my childhood and teens in particular. I’m in my 30s now and I’m over the quarter life crisis but now I’m trying to find hobbies and simple undistracted pleasures again.
All of that to say, I know how you feel in many ways.
I guess that focus for the last decade was
-Honesty without excuses
-setting boundaries
-being open about vulnerabilities
-knowing my personal limits
-simple human pleasures
Stef, I this hump will get better with time. There’s something magical about your 30s. It’s like all the sudden things start falling into place. It’s a place for mostly maintenance rather than growth. It’s gets boring rather than painful lol. Have faith. You’ve got this
I'm so happy I randomly thought of you and decided to come back to your channel. ❤ I hope you'll continue to make videos like this every now and then, i just love to see how people process emotions and events, and you're so relatable! And the way you talk is sooo soothing ❤ much love to you Stef, I've been following you for like 8 years.
I feel like this video came across at the perfect time for me. I'm also turning 29 and feel like I'm in the exact same mental state. This isn't the first time one of your videos have helped me immensely.
Thank you so much for creating your content❤
Knowing you're not alone in feeling lost in the darkness helps. Listening to you explain things and talk about your trials and tribulations makes me remember that no matter how low I get and how dark it gets there is always brightness at the end. You are an inspiration. You are a beautiful light In this world.
I saw the video a couple of days ago and felt the need to return to leave you a message. I'm one of those silent followers who watch videos, give a thumbs-up, but rarely interact in the comment section. This time, however, I felt the need to break the silence and say THANK YOU. Not just for the years of content you've created for us, but especially for this video. It resonated with me on many levels and made me reflect on my own personal story, particularly how difficult it can be for some of us to forgive ourselves and truly enjoy life. Thank you for this video, Stef ❤ I believe many of us got it at a crucial moment in our healing journey from past traumas
I feel like I just had a chat with a therapist. Thanks Stef. I think this monologue is exactly what I need to hear. I'm currently hating myself (jobless, insecure, unworthy, etc) and I really need to get over this hurdle. Asking "where I am" is a good start, and I don't have that answer right now but, I want to find it. Always wishing you the best
I’ve missed you! When I got on yt and saw your gorgeous face, I couldn’t click faster. Listening to you is so calming, you are so genuine, beautiful and intelligent. Thank you for coming back and especially with this message. I’ve been struggling for the last couple of years with the very same things you shared. You definitely are not alone ❤️
You are such an intelligent, beautiful inside and out, and such a bright light in this world. I've followed you for years because of your wisdom, strength, and beauty! I really needed to hear this message today, I think it will be helpful to all sorts of people regardless of age, economic situation, whether they're part of the LGBTQIA+ community. I'm a cis-gendered woman and allie, and you matter and are so important, Stef! Thank you for being so open, raw and vulnerable. I love you and I'm sending you so much love and light, sweetness! 🌈💖🌈💖🌈
Part of Parenting yourself is also being a Mama Bear for little you, even if it’s protecting you from yourself. I’m a little bun here, been here for a longtime, and I’m so happy to see you again. ❤
Don't try to bring the old Stef back, Help the new Stef rise from the ashes. We can never get back who we were, but we can choose who we want to be moving forward and aim for it.
I cant believe I found your channel 9 years ago!! I was 22, I was such a baby. I'm so sorry you've been having such a rough time, but I'm glad you're finding ways to express your truth in a way that allows you to heal. You might not heal fast, and you will have set backs - but two steps forward and 1 step back in still moving forward. Just keep taking care of yourself.
I don’t normally do comments. Girl, you’ve been in inspiration for me for years! I found your channel when I first started my transition. I get everything you’re saying about not being in touch with your feelings and not being able to hold both. I’m starting to work on that myself. I’m so glad you’re back, I’ve missed you!!
Stef, I wanted to say that watching through your video was a pretty deep experience. I've been struggling with depression my whole life and it's been making me think about where my life has been in the last 45 years I've been around. I've been chasing happiness since I became an adult and it's been a reminder to me that I have to take care of myself first in order to achieve the happiness I desire. I just wish I had your insight into depression when I was your age. At least it's not too late for me to start on the path to taking better care of myself. Thank you for making this video.
Oh my god. I'm both sad and relieved that I am late to this video by 2 months. Watching this tonight could not have come at a better time. I cried about 10 times, but I so needed this video. Thank you Stef ❤ the last two years have been a mess, but listening to you in this video gives me such hope in my future
Stef, over the years your videos have meant so much to me, a scared MTF woman...who has finally start the path to seeking therapy and going on HRT. It's because of you that I knew I could handle it and that I want to be authentically me... for the first time in a LONG time.
I can breath now, because you taught me its ok.
I have missed you lady. Thank you for this video. You had me on the verge of tears many times with how much I relate to the feelings you've been having and the things you've been through. Hearing how much you've grown and how much you've reflected on your life makes me excited to see where you go next. We're here with you and you are doing amazing.
I resonate with so much of this. Losing my spark for a long time, not wanting anyone to perceive “old” me, etc…thanks for sharing.
I really appreciate you being so open and thoughtful in this. Self reflection is something we could all do more of, no matter how tough or strange it can be. Also the quality of the vid itself is crazy good, very impressive. Gonna check out more of the vids, thanks for this!
I'm only half way through, but the part about reparenting yourself and self care really got through to me. You have a way of articulating things so eloquently that breaks through my defensiveness and really gets me to hear what you're saying. It's a gift. Thank you.
been watching you from the beginning
you are such a beautiful person
made my day to see you upload
I’be been a longtime viewer and subscriber, Stef! This video really hit a cord with me and I resonate so much with the things you are saying about our self-perception, loss of confidence and doubting our inner beauty. These are things along with bad mental health that I’ve struggled with for years! Thank you for posting such a raw video, we love you here 🫶🏻💕
Love to see you Stef, in whatever capacity. Hope you’re doing ok. I’ll support whatever you do in life. 💜💜💜💜
I resonantes so much with this topic.
From the complex feelings of wanting to be myself but also the biggest critic of oneself. I’m still working towards getting out of the bout of depression I’ve been in but this helped ground myself. Videos like this wake up the part of me that I have been neglecting.
Thank you for being unapologetically authentic to yourself and sharing it so openly, Stef. It does impact others in the positive change that you’ve wanted to achieve and even with the ups and downs of life, we see it in you. Your goal doesn’t seem unreasonable or unobtainable with the mindset you have and the drive you have to get there. It’s infectious and a radiant quality that few act upon in life. You’re going to go far and I can’t wait to see more of your journey!!! ❤❤❤
Oh, Steph. Thank you for being here. Your shares and videos through the years have helped me grow alongside you (I’ll be 28 this month). When you share something we have in common, it makes me feel less alone. When you share something we don’t have in common, it helps me grow in a fuller understanding of the human experience. Your storytelling skills have consistently drawn me in, and maybe that’s the core of what I want to say. Shared experience can bring us one step closer to better understanding and just not feeling so damn alone. I appreciate ya. I do, because regardless if you can see it, you have the bravery and the verve. It’s hard to start something yes, but I think it can be even harder to return (at least for me) and - well, I’m just glad you’re back.
it's been 5 years since my GRS had major complications. The fall out from all of that, on top of other life things with people and relationships. I've felt like I've been chasing to find who I was before the surgery. The sense of loss had been so profound that I felt I would never be anywhere close to that person again. But this past week after much work, therapy, love and finally supportive relationships; I'm ready. Finally taking hard steps forward. Seeing this video just as I'm getting started feels serendipitous and rallying. To you and everyone: I believe in you. I empathize with you. Thank you for sharing. As you said, we're all struggling. It can be so tricky and exhausting. But it's a struggle worth all the effort. We got this. We ALL got this. As we all move forward we might stagger, stumble, fall. But we're still moving forward and that is huge.
Honestly, I love your less scripted content, it's so genuine. I've been watching your content for several years now. I've seen your ups and downs, growrh, joy, and pain (from what you've shared), and it has all been so valuable to who you are and who many other people are. I would not have had the courage to continue with my transition, or to push through depression, or to find joy in my life without my BreadMom. I relate on so many levels. You are not a single Pilar bearing weight alone. Becuse of you, we have a community that makes us feel safe, seen, and heard. Your younger than I am by a couple years, but I still look up to you. You are valued and valuable. Love you BreadMom, keep pushing through ❤ I'm excited to see what you can achieve.
OMG I needed this. I'm literally holding back tears. I've been stuck in this exact same place for the past like 6 years. I'm so tired of being tired and scared. I want to get back to that spark too. I'm ready to move forward, with my true self.
I've never heard someone elses experience about having their parents divorce in early adulthood like mine did + losing the childhood home + feeling like I put my life on hold for yeaaars afterwards etc. I'm only 12 min into your video Stef but I feel so seen and relate to you so much. I also totally felt like my life imploded and honestly still do because of my parents divorce. Especially when it happened just as I was about to really start my life in my late teens. I've watched your channel for over a decade now when I first saw you on ALBinwonderlands channel and it means so much to hear how we were going through similar things at similar times. I really look up to you and even though Ive only watched a bit of this video I just feel so comforted by our shared experience. It makes me feel so much less alone!! Wishing you all the best Stef!! 💖💖💖💖💖💖
Proud of you for addressing the hard feelings with yourself and grateful to you for sharing them. I've been on a similar mental health journey over the years and it's always wonderful to feel less alone in it all.
Also the analogies only get better the higher you stack them
Stef!!! I have been following you for so long and was so happy to see you again. I am sooo not your demographic. Am too old, don't do gaming, etc - but have watched you through your whole transition and feel like you are a friend. And I might be old, but still no wiser and your words were inspiring. So happy to see you still trying and finding your place. Much love to you x
i love you stef. you were one of the youtubers that inspied me the most in this world. you were such a unique light that i resonated with so much. your existence gave me and continues to give me hope for a better world
Stef! You inspired me to live my life as me! I started transitioning about 7 years ago and watching your videos has always helped me. You helped me do my make up and helped me transition. I appreciate you and your videos!
I am glad you are back, this video touched my heart and like many here made me feel less alone in my experiences these last few years I got into such a deep depression over the years that I didnt want to wake up in the morning it was an effort to just participate in life. I have started to try to make things better for myself and address my mental and physical health. Thank you for your honesty and speaking from the heart.
Ok so I used to watch your videos and I'm so glad I came across this one. Im currently 19 and about to be 20 (so yes I am one of the 2004 babies) and just finished my first year of college.... so you relating back to that time in your life really helped put things in perspective for me. Especially talking about how, if someone wants to do something, they actually have to get up and do it. This past year has been such a crazy ride for me and life seems to be coming at me fast, but watching your video really helped me calm down, think about everything, and understand that I still have so much time to grow and change and that I shouldn't be putting sooo much pressure on myself, but that I should also be pushing myself a little more in some areas to do things I want to do with my life. So, thank you! And im so glad to see your videos again :)
Oh man this hit home for me. Thank you so much for sharing. 💚
Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable with us 🩷 I’m crying watching this because the feeling of losing yourself and feeling lost is familiar to me, and also the use of makeup and style to help me feel more confident and like myself 🩷🩷🩷 some days I can’t leave the house because of anxiety and sensory issues, but when I do my make I feel like I have armour on ⚔️ it makes me feel like I can face the world outside my front door, it makes me feel more like myself 🌷
Thank you for your heart Stef. I recently lost my mom. We were very close. She was my biggest supporter. She encouraged me to make art, be myself and share my heart. I'm going to be a mess for a moment. That's ok. But I am also going to notice the beautiful things in this world when I miss her. I'm going to be kind to myself like she was. I'm going to keep going because she would want me to keep on living my life. I might not ever "get over it". That's ok. Sending everyone love. I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
I've missed you! You are always such a breath of fresh air. Don't be too hard on yourself, as someone 7 years older I can say with certainty you do have wisdom beyond your years. Your beauty stems from your compassion, intelligence and humility to share both. The pretty face is a cherry on top 😊. Thank you for coming back and being so forthright.
I have been watching you since 2016. Your spark and sass were always fun to see. I am sorry you had to go thru the hell of the last four years, but you are coming out the other side wiser. Life will always be waiting to surprise you (for the good, and bad). It’s having the knowledge to handle the surprises and faith in yourself to get thru them that will help you survive. Those skills only come with time.
Gosh I love you so much 🥹❤️ it’s always the greatest feeling when the RUclipsrs you watched when you were young grow up at the same time as you and express their own experience in their most creative beautiful selves 😍 it’s so nice to see you again! I missed you bread mom 🍞 I am so proud of you and whenever I wear my breadsquad Merch it brings me so much joy ❤
Hugs from Vienna 🫶🏻
I am new to your content, but I just wanted to let you know that your demeanor, voice, and vulnerability are hypnotizing. I felt like I was sitting through a therapy session in the best way possible. I'm a new fan. Thank you for being you.
Same just subscribed
I found you when i was just starting transition and even though you are 25 years younger than me you have been an AMAZING inspiration. I have watched you go through so much. Coming from a place you starting to feel now, as a grown person, all the ups and downs we have seen you go through and the fact you are still here doing great things and being honest is too inspirational.
I am a veteran PTSD has been in my life for a long time. The panic attacks you talk about are so familiar. Feeling like you will never come back is a profoundly, life changing place to be. It funny watching your content has helped bring me back to myself more than once..... So don't kick your own ass to hard you really are doing good things that make a huge difference.
Thank you for putting it out there and letting us all know we are not alone.
You have a knack for breaking down and putting into words the difficult emotions I've struggled with expressing recently. It's easy to be so worn down from fighting against my own mind that finding something inspiring, something that makes me think maybe I CAN do better again, is a rare gift, so from one thirty-ish year old woman to another, thank you for sharing. I'm rooting for us both.
Also, your bread analogy made me smile.
You are not alone with your mental health. I have felt many of the things you described. So happy to see you post another video and putting yourself out like this.
I've been subbed to you basically from the start, and I feel like our lives feel apart around the same time, putting us in a similar mental space, and at a similar moment we started to dig out of that dark hole in a similar way, so it makes me feel like I haven't been alone through all this. Learning to acknowledge what holds you back and taking reigns of that is a very powerful skill. I believe that the things you learned about how your own mentality functions will result in amazing results for you and I'm genuinely happy for you. Get that spark back, I can still see it in you just waiting to ignite better than ever ✨
i hope you stick around, you are a big influence in my life 4-5 years ago when i was afraid to transition. i'm glad i did, i couldn't be happier ☺
Ever since covid I have been struggling, a lot of horrible stuff happened in my life and I haven't really been the same since. It felt like the world moved on but I didn't. I've been battling depression which has derailed my life and made it really difficult for me to take care of myself and the things I need to do. There are so many things I want to do and goals I want to accomplish, I just haven't been able to find the motivation and energy to go after them. I finally reached out to a therapist a week ago and I have my first appointment tomorrow. This video came at the perfect time and your words really inspired me, I know it really is the right time to make a change and turn things around. Thank you so much for your vulnerability and sharing what you are going through. It means a lot and makes me feel less alone ❤️
I relate to what you’re saying and I’ve watched you for years. We’re the same age and this has helped me as I had a really hard day yesterday and I feel like I’m not alone and my experiences are valid. Thank you.
Steph, it’s so great to see you. I’ve missed seeing your presence here but I can relate to everything you’ve experienced and spoke about in this video. I too feel like I lost so much of myself over the last few years and I’m trying so hard to get my spark back. I had major surgery last year and it’s thrown me into a new phase of life and it’s difficult. I see you and I love you 🫶
This video warms my heart, breaks my heart, but ultimately makes me excited to see you move forward and live a life that brings you peace. I’ve been hanging out here since 2016 and it has been a pleasure to grow with you. I’m excited to see the new chapter 🙏🏻🤍
Thank you so much for sharing your story! It resonated a lot, as I have been feeling stuck for years too. This really hit hard: "self-care is not just indulging your pain, parenting is not just comfort". The things I want to achieve is finishing my Master's degree, getting a job in my specialty, transitioning (FtM) and eventually immigrate to Japan. Plus, just making time for hobbies and fitness.
Ugh idk why only certain vids of yours pop up for me but I'm always so happy when they do. I just love your presence. It's comforting for some reason.
This is very helpful and inspiring as someone struggling for the past few years with dpdr and anxiety and depression. Thanks for this 💙
I first found your videos when you were early on in transitioning and you're so right that I never would have guessed that you struggled to show your true feelings at all. Coming back to see you again this long later genuinely feels* healing to me. We're th esame age and knowing you're still going and trying to grow just like i am means everything to me.
When I was first coming out a friend at work showed me your channel, you were the first influencer that made me think I could do it. Thank you for sharing for being here
This one hit hard. I've been subbed to you since 2016, and I'm always so happy to see you. Thank you, Stef. Live your life, take breaks, grow. ❤
So good to see you again. Many years ago, you opened my eyes to many different topics. Randomly, I was thinking of you and wondering how you were, and to my surprise, you had uploaded again❤️ just wanted to say you’re awesome
Oh my goddess!!! I have followed your RUclips for years and have wondered many times what happened to you and where you have been. It makes me sad that you have been struggling so much with self love, but I’m happy you are working on changing that. I’m sending all the positive vibes and wishes your way. You deserve to be happy. Love and light! ❤
Your lock down experience is very similar to mine. My creativity and emotions have been stifled since. I felt very numb and not “good enough” for a long time and only recently started working to get out of it. Thank you for sharing!
This video resonated with me so hard that I feel the whiplash. Down to the childhood trauma, to pandemic stealing our first steps into adulthood, to its echo through our lethargy, pain, to the need to reparent oneself and having to do the unpleasant stuff for our own sake. I’ll think about it for a while and just know it’s probably one of the few videos I’ve watched on this app, on the decade I’ve been here almost daily, that I feel will change my life. The other two are by old people, one of them already departed atp. Will probably turn my phone off and have a cathartic cry, because healing is in order and god damn it, it’s enough of being so miserable. Thank you so much for sharing this, hard as it is and long as it took, I hope your efforts get you to your goals.
I had a rough day today, and a lot of what you said really resonated with me, especially this stuff about your family. I didn’t realize how deeply impacting that can be, even as an adult, until it happened to me.
I have panic disorder and I’ve gotten better but I know exactly what you mean, even thinking about it makes me want to throw up. We have had such similar experiences. You’re not alone and I’m happy you can reflect and push through it all and chase your passions
Stef, you got this! Thank you for sharing your vulnerability with us. We're here and we'll keep supporting you. ❤
You are so gorgeous and I love your chill storytime vids. Been subbed to your content for almost a decade and you've grown so much but your videos are always so comforting.
revisiting you 7 years later, glad to see you're still making content! im now 24 and 2 years on T! you helped me through being in the closet when I lived with my parents, that was TOUGH. i can't thank you enough
I described to a friend a while back that I felt like I'd lost myself and was trying to find my way back. I've dealt with that feeling for years now and a lot of what you said here resonated. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings on such a public platform. That alone helps build community because it helps people see there are others out there struggling (and working through!) the same things. Excited to see where this energy takes you in the coming year :)