My wife has BPD. I’m getting tested for ASD. We’ve been married for 4 years, together for 6, 3 kids, I did 4 years in the army. We both have wild childhoods, a lot of trauma but like a lot of these people are saying it’s just a fucking grind. And while it’s good to hear the sad stories and negative sides of this, hearing the good things and some of you guys stories gives me hope. We aren’t perfect at all, but somethings are just fucking worth it ya know
props for fighting. The overwhelming consensus seems to be to avoid or leave these situations - making our choices even harder. Keep fighting I wish you the best.
Love it. I also have bpd. My partner has sociaphobia and all sorts of other lovely diagnosis. Both suffered child hood traumas and traumas together while together but we have stuck with each other through thick and thin and have 2 kids together and everyone told us it's silly to be together with our combined issues but somehow we kind of help each other out and we are each working on our issues separately but are there together. Everyone has issues doesn't mean you can't be with someone. Need more good stories. 😊 it's not all doom and gloom.
My gf is asd and I'm Bpd... its the first relationship I feel like our personalities just fit... she's the only one that seems to understand the way my mind works.
I'm in a healthy relationship but it didn't start out that way. I didn't know I had BPD, she didn't know she had ADHD and at the start our mental illnesses fed off each other and we weren't healthy. But over the years, we took time apart and we grew a lot and understood what we wanted from a partner. The best tool we had to improve and grow our relationship from a withered dying flower to a beautiful rose was communication. I finally understood my behaviour and got the BPD diagnosis. Understanding my behaviour for both of us, has really helped us be able to communicate and also be understanding when an issue rises. It has NOT been easy but a healthy loving relationship is worth all the hardship I've gone through. We're also not perfect either, but with communication we are able to handle any issues
This comment gives me so much hope. My relationship with my partner started rocky too, me having bpd traits and them having had a mother with bpd, it gets tough. We are definitely experiencing a tough patch, both of us feel misunderstood I think, but this does really give me so much hope. We don't wanna loose each other and are trying so hard
@saiasdlalsdsk1203 that commitment is great and if you're both able to communicate your feelings (easier said than done) I'm sure you find improvements ❤️
My relationship started rocky and ended there with a suspected bpd. I want to have a good relationship with her, really do want to. But, I don't deal with being lied to. I don't deal with she being open to flirting with others, Triangualations etc. I wish she had taken some responsibility of her actions.
Amazing u didn't give up. Else today people are being suggested quickly to leave and move on. Families have shattered. Hard for kids also. Kudos to your patience.
@@6drk6mrc6we all wish people would take responsibility for their actions amend them and have them replaced by healthy ones. That would be a perfect world. But we're nowhere near that yet. If you genuinely feel like you can work with this get knowledgeable about why people lie. You would better see things from her perspective and the defence mechanisms behind it. Also why people flirt with others. There's a reason behind it. First good thing that comes out of it, you will stop take it personally. Second thing, you will see it for what it is, a defence mechanism that enables her ( till date) to get her basic needs met. Plenty healthy communication and strategies around those issues might sort it. But ofc if you consider those your boundaries and have zero tolerance for it, you're perfectly entitled to that too.
Trust. My biggest weakness. BPD + historically being cheated on = cheating paranoia. Especially when my self esteem is low. And it definitely affects my ability to be present in all accepts on my relationship, sex primarily. I really appreciate your videos. I wish I could afford treatment and better my life and relationships.
I have same issues as non-bpd partner. And after reading subreddits and forums about bpd (after she withdrew and acted like disgusted by me and accumulation of lies and some quirks about trust) I had to terminate the rs. If only she communicated openly. I've asked her three times.
I really felt this resonate with me. Sometimes it's just sitting and listening, putting aside your own negative voices and being with your partner and talking things through at face value. It is difficult when one feels overwhelmed by your own insecurities. I think it takes practice.
Diagnosed borderline. The person with borderline needs to *want* a healthy relationship. Sometimes we either aren't actually looking for one or we don't know what healthy looks like.
@@DrDanielFox Food for thought and helpful points but to say "trust your gut!" is just a modern phrase that is so meaningless when it boils down to it and can mean a million things, depending on ones state of mind. "Trust god" is the same, it means detach all reason and just be the slave of a vague idea and both can be really damaging to encourage, this sort of thinking, for anyone sensitive to mental health as it has not practical value and is just about intangible 'believe in yourself' but if that self is a mental wreck, these phrases are counter productive and might be like a nice thing short term, like drinking a whisky or eating a cake but have no substance or real use to address the deeper issues - surprised a professional would use such phrases
I have BPD and my husband has Asperger's and we've been together for 23 years! Yes there were a lot of ups and downs not knowing what the other had. Especially not knowing ourselves what we had. But now we know and we are sooooo much happier!
Dr. can you PLEASE talk about trying to have a normal relationship/friendship with your FP and not obsessing over them, longing for them 24/7, feeling profoundly empty and sad when you can't be with them/communicate with them. And then developing extreme anger and loathing towards them because you hate how you feel about them while they're living their life happily and you're agonizing over them.
The crappy childhood fairy has a great video on this called limerace which is essentially what a FP is. It’s basically the concept of unrequited love / also maladaptive daydreaming combined into one. Maladaptive daydreaming is fantasising and idolising a person in your head before actually knowing that person well and picturing yourself with them and doing things with them etc Ean’s it’s toxic because they will never fit that mould you made in your head and eventually will fall from your expectations of them and then you will think they are all a fraud and a lie and you will split on them and be angry and resentful even though it is not their fault you fantasise about them. I would say best advise is when you catch yourself fantasising or daydreaming try to stop the thought in the moment. Obviously you can’t make yourself not like them but you can stop yourself from making the maladaptive daydreaming worse.
This can be on either side. My wife has CPTSD and BPD. I love her deeply and we have been married for 10 years. What you describe is how I feel at times. Then feel guilty for feeling that way.
I really think this video will be very informative. Being able to coexist in a healthy relationship is crucial but it has to start from the roots, us, we have to work on ourselves and not let our emotions run the course. It is hard to already deal with BPD, letting our irrational thoughts and comorbidities get the best of us is not going to be the answer to our problems. Instead it will only make us have interpersonal problems with others. Thank you Dr. Daniel Fox for making this video and for all of your videos. I will be having breakfast with your educational video so I can better engage while not only feeding my hunger, but feeding my brain with your knowledge! 😃
I been diagnosed for 8 yrs or longer. For the first time I am actually trying to understand myself and stop being in denial. Hard to take in I am actually the problem. If anyone I am dating , marriage , family members, friends do not try to learn about my condition or hear me the relationship will condemn. In the last year I lost 4 to 5 individuals in my life due to death,and inb abandonment, was the hardest year for me,yet got me to learn more about myself. Thank you
Me, a person with borderline having quite healthy long lasting relationships hava to defend myself all the time because no one believes me that I actually struggle with the symptoms of my illness...
You sure it's healthy? Cuz in your mind, you may perceive that it's healthy. But when I was dating my gf with bpd, she was extremely unhealthy and she was very toxic
I was in a long term monogamous marriage. In our 5th year he contracted early onset Parkinson's. It was very hard but we made it. He passed in 2003. I never sought another relationship.
I never thought it was possible. I think I have one though. We're both open, honest and kind to eachother. We're also taking things very slowly. I think that's been key.
Sorry but why is it key taking things slowly? Im in a 1month relationship with a girl with bpd and everything is being sooo fast and I keep watching these videos and get scared im not gonna be good enough helping her:(
@MADLaD no need to be sorry. It's been key for me personally because in my previous relationships (all long term living together for extended periods of time) I had dived on in without truly knowing the person, having only seen the best of them. It can be destabilising for ppl with bpd to see their fp upset/angry/negative emotion after having dived into things, as it feels like a deviation from how they always are. with your new partner, I think it's really good you're taking the time to watch clips like Dr fox's. I know it's scary, but if you can be patient, kind and loving, trust me, you'll get that back tenfold.
Dr. Daniel Fox you definitely did not disappoint watching this video. What I did realize is that “a lot” of the time my BPD is doing better than I thought. Trust is one of my biggest problems as I catch people lying to me. I have no problem forgiving them and just ask if they would be honest going forward, they just can’t. There is a lot to process in this video, very well done! This will be helpful in therapy today. Merry Christmas to you and yours. 😊
@@patrickkirby7612 The people that lie to me and get caught don’t get a reaction nor do I become reactive. The question then is there are many lies that can be told that either do or aren’t bad enough to mention. When your partner consistently lies, he either can’t remember all of them and messes up. I call that a real problem as if I should lie, and get caught, the walls would come tumbling down in our house. There is no real excuse for lying to your significant other, they don’t deserve it.
I always have this feeling or the voice in my head that says, i will never get it. I will never get a healthy relationship. Or even healthy friendships. Its like looking from the outside in on people. They all grew up knowing how to bond, how to be in a relationship, how to be a good friend. And i'm like this alien who doesnt know how this all works. I hope i can get treatment next year. 😊💪
Thank you for your interesting presentation. I have had three 5 year relationships but it was not easy. Every day is a challenge having to repress many feelings..If I share my true feelings this tends to be overwhelming in terms of velocity and intensity of my emotions. I am also what in french they call 'haut potential' or intellectually gifted and need lots of mental stimulation. It is not necessarily that I distrust others but rather myself i.e. I feel that if I reveal my true nature others will never like let alone love me. Dissimulation is the only way that I know to try to survive socially. I 'rehearse' a lot and try not to share analogous experiences that I have had and just listen to my partner to not be overbearing....I feel as if I have to keep myself under control or pull on the leash.I will of course reflect on your good advice.
Exactly. I do the same things. Social dissimulation sort of bothers me becaude i am sociable but the relationship is so exhausting sonetines that makes it next to impossible to have a social life. Imagine how they feel being so unruly.
I really love this community and everyone posting about what they go through, it helps even more to have him speak about it then hear the stories others have. Love you all!! We got this guys!!!
Every word of this is pure gold. I have accepted a challenge from myself to watch this every day for the month of January. Everything I ever wanted around open communication but could never practice is covered in this video. I’ll let you know how it goes. 🤗
Im excited to get his 2019 Workbook for BPD.people From reading his worksheets online etc.,and Complex BPD,the extra baggage of the several comorbities I carry too,will still be a challenge,but suffering most of my 74 years hopefully may soon get better. Thanks.DrFox
This was a great video Dr. Fox. It reminded me that I need to intentionally listen to people more. I think we can all work on that one. I think sometime we want to be heard so much that we forget to listen-but if we actively listen more, there’s a greater chance that we will be heard when it’s out turn to speak. Thank you for making this one, it’s full of very good advice.
I can't have relationships. I live a life of isolation, because it's less painful than trying to connect. I can't handle any more daily pain in my life. Thank God for cats
I understand this. I've decided to take a year off from dating to focus on my life and my kids and learn DBT. I've said this before but this time its different bc like you said the pain of being in a relationship would be worse right now for me.
Yep. That's where I'm at now. I'm chosing to isolate myself to protect myself. 8 weeks ago my BPD relationship ended. I got nothing left. I'm 51, and the ride is over. I'm ok with that.
You are the best psychologist I've found! You really explains how both sides can try to meet each other, instead of just saying that one part has a personality disorder and this person with the illness is bad (like most RUclips doctors I've seen says)
Thank you as always for uploading these videos. Having normal relationships have always been hell for me, being unable to trust people fully out of fear of being hurt again. Happy holidays Dr Fox, hope you'll have a happy new years with your family and friends! 🙏🏼
Yes you can have a fantastic relationship. When I first met my wife she admitted to having problems in her head, that was how she described it. We have been together for 25 years now, it's hard at times but so worth the effort. It takes a lot to adjust to living with a partner with BPD, you have a shared circle of friends and trust is an issue. She has a lot of dark times but you learn to talk and predict her state of mind. She is the most loyal, caring and supportive woman and if she didn't let BPD get her down she would be amazing. She supports me in my work and is happy to finance my hobbies. House work for her is non existent and when she does it, it's a big red flag. Expect lots of hugs and if in doubt hug her. Her problem is something that she can't control so I don't judge her for it. But you do need to be mentally strong and set boundaries that are not to be stepped over. Don't write off someone with BPD they do make amazing partners most of the time. I would recommend that you get a dog and that way you get a couple of periods of down time when you take the dog out.
I knew a girl With bpd for a year and loved her , she didn’t know what she had nor did I, she was a habitual liar and degrading at times but I sense a lack of control and sweetness . Unfortunately I was convinced at the end since she kept lying that she was intentionally playing with me. I gave her flowers and she ended it while she was on a date with another guy tho she told me she was only going to see me . Despite her warming up and seeing my constant acceptance it wasn’t enough, I wish she knew what she had bc I felt it would have been our answer , I still have love for her actually . It always felt like we were a hairswidth away of being fine since I felt being accepting was the answer , I just feel she had no reason to doubt herself in her head since she didn’t seem to be diagnosed . Then she went with a narcissist and I dread whatever she is going through now , she seemed really tender but also acted like she had no affection for me , it blew my mind
The open communication hurdle is tons of fun when you live in the intersection of autism and BPD: “I have a history of narcissistic partners and even when I want to tell you how I feel I struggle to articulate it in a way someone who is neurotypical will be able to understand”. Took years to figure that one out.
I can imagine how challenging it must be to navigate open communication when you're dealing with autism and BPD. It's great that you've taken the time to understand yourself better and work on expressing your feelings effectively. Keep up the self-awareness and growth!
This is good common sense advice for TYPICAL people in a relationship. Most people here are, or were, in a relationship with someone with BPD, and desperately want to believe it can work by something like communication. Will communication make fear of abandonment, jealousy and devaluation go away?? If disorders could be defeated through knowledge, logic and understanding, there'd be much less depression and anxiety in the world. Just look at the comments here. You hear things like "My ex and I had a good relationship" or "I have BPD and have been in 3 good relationships". In other words, it didn't last. False hope is cruel and videos like this just exacerbate the difficulties of a BPD breakup.
@@DrDanielFox Unfortunately they do have a point though. I was in a relationship with someone with quiet bpd who was in therapy and there was simply no way to communicate with him when he was in an episode. It usually ended up with me getting accused of not helping him enough through his issues and not doing enough yet every time I asked what he needed from me I'd either get a vague answer like "I need you to be attuned to me" aka read his mind, or he'd just say he doesn't have access to his feelings. I tried so hard to help to the point I was on the brink of burnout, nothing helped. And I tried a lot, practicing nonviolent communication, coming up with different strategies. The problem is they don't know what they want. They cannot communicate and it takes precedent over the non bpd partners feelings because you're always busy walking on eggshells trying to anticipate the next meltdown. I think a message like in this video can be helpful but it's also important to not put the responsibility on the non bpd partner which- unless the bpd partner is incredibly self aware it almost inevitably ends up happening. I stayed longer than I should have because I kept thinking maybe if I just communicated better or did this thing differently it'll work. It didn't, he just kept expecting more and more from me and I kept giving and giving
@@gdgkuf2315 they don't actually have "episodes"... they lie the entire time. It's not as if they're having splitting episodes and getting bad. They are probably cheating on you since day one, and they also are hurting people every day of their lives in some way. Even when they're idealizing you or pretending to realize they're doing something wrong, they're lying and cheating! What you actually end up finding out if you catch them in their lies, is that they start fights, split you black, lie, etc, so they can get away with being with other people. They don't even want anything from you but to cause drama, so they can have the time to be with other people, and they will leave for months or years no matter what you do. They're not even expecting anything from you at all. They just want to be able to cheat on you and anything that comes out of their mouth is a mind game so they can get away with it Even when they pretend to want help or go to therapy etc, it's so they can throw you off from chearing.. it's all lies! Always will be too. They can't be fixed they'll just get better at hiding what they're doing
@@gdgkuf2315This is wise for any relationship. The other person has to be willing to take responsibility for their own feelings and clearly communicating their needs. There are definitely people without BPD who lack willingness to do that. Your needs and feelings matter too so I hope you make them an equal priority in future relationships.
This perfectly describes my partner. Its just hard to deal with because her family background is pretty bad, and on top of that she deals with BPD. Me on the other hand, am from a family where we are pretty good at managing our emotions and attack everything from a logical stand point once we calm ourselves. Where we clash is ill try to hear her out and its almost as if she wants me to accept her reality as truth. So when i logically break down whats actually going on she just starts attacking me. Am i supposed to just let her assault my character as to not stir her up? But then where does how i feel come into play?
i felt the same, sometimes there's nothing you can do. sometimes it just becomes malignant tolerance, in such cases, the importance of creating a space for trust and safety and the truth must be wrapped with lot of care, affirmation and validation ( that at least you see where they are coming from ) can help, but that's not guaranteed. it's extremely challenging.
This is such a good video. I don't even have a personality disorder, and am in a healthy relationship but this is still just such a great way of explaining this
YES you can have a solid relationship (or is it the Bordeline telling me that?) .....married for 28 years....4 chidren together...but marriage fell apart as children left home....Shortly after got diagnosed with BPD.....It changed my life forever!
Question for you sir. I am a pure withdrawer at the moment as for the last 3 years there is nothing I can do that will make her feel whole and everything I do becomes with time me never feeling like I am enough. You hit the point on "being able to communicate our feelings and ideas while building trust". This is exactly how I feel that I cant trust that the next thing I will talk about no matter how little or big small or positive it can be will not trigger all those things on her reactions that make me go like "what the hell... where does that come from" moments. After 3 years, I became a silent version of myself that is the most neutral version of myself ever. Which in turn doesnt help her at all I just decided to not be an enabler and fall for it anymore, that reassurance, that person stalking me for positive or reciprocal feedback all the time after a kiss or other. Doing that seemed to have unlocked this state of the situation now that she is open for couple therapy. So the question is, when in therapy with her, how can I bring this up without coming across as the person who wants to fix her and anything like that. I know I cant, but I do have to bring up these BPD traits even though she never went to seek a diagnose. I am a nurse with a specialization in psychiatry so you know a bit where I am coming from with all that. Yes I have knowledge, but no I was not prepared for that, on my unit I only met with the extreme cases of BPD it took 6 months before I realized something was off in my relationship and I ended up thinking at some point I was the problem. I certainly had a part in it, I reacted to her behaviors as I felt threatened to my core values to the point I started to doubt my own ability in loving someone. Was very frustrating. Fortunately, it rekindled my spark and interest for psychiatry as I plunged deep into those subjects and realized how little I knew in fact. Evaluating someone versus understanding the dynamics, the state of selves and all those things. Well, 😅 sorry for dragging this on I learned I had adhd this year and I am certainly not at the point where I can properly manage my thinking machine once I start to speak on stuff I focus on. That said, thanks for taking your time to explain some concepts.
Yeah. I think my BPD partner really had some luminous and special qualities that were part and parcel of the BPD syndrome: resilient, intuitive, a fierce survivor, brave and vulnerable. It sucks that these qualities aren't included when talking about BPD. They are the things that need to be built on and can make a positive difference.
@@DrDanielFox Actually, I like all of your video’s, I just wish they could be longer. I do like learning how to get better, it’s just not as easy as that most of the time. Either way, I am still waiting with anticipation! Thank you for the comment! 😊
You are doing such important work here. What you said about communication would sooo quickly be gobbled up by adhd-positive clinicians as simply adhd. I think the vast majority of people diagnosed with adhd actually have bpd or traits, and not adhd.
If youre with a true borderline open commication of boundries is everything. Ive been married to a BPD (diagnosed by specialist) for 10 years. I recommend have a calm rational discussion about boundries and actually writing them down in a list. That way when she completely tramples all over them you can check them off the list one by one as you go.
That's a solid approach! Clear communication and setting boundaries are essential in any relationship, especially when navigating the complexities of BPD.
Asking someone to talk about a problem also makes you vulnerable to the humiliation of learning that they don't care about you enough to put in the effort to talk about your interpersonal problems. I've found it important to break through that fear and ask. And if you do end up humiliated, at least you can be proud to have done the right thing. (Might be AvPD.)
We need to listen and be honest. Otherwise relationships are empty. I feel like people on the spectrum listen with their head and not their heart. It pays not to prolong an argument. It is better to walk away. If the other person doesn’t listen, it is a waste of time.
I haven't commented in a while, it's taken a lot of focus to get through the last couple of years, but I'm keeping up with your uploads. Thank you for all you do, Dr. Fox, your workbook has been essential to my continued progress.
#5 My problem with trust is that the BPD person's grip on reality is so fluid that they say whatever they need to say (reactively) and don't have any idea that they're lying. How can you truly trust that person? I try, but I can't really take anything at face value. Suggestions?
I completely understand your concern. Trust can be difficult when someone's perception of reality is constantly changing. It's important to prioritize your own well-being and set boundaries to protect yourself.
Great video! Can you please do a video on a pwbpd love language? And how to effectively communicate with them when physical touch is off the table. I’m a woman with a male( undiagnosed) bpd partner.
Hey, friendly heads up, BPD is notoriously hard to diagnose, meaning there really is no such thing as undiagnosed bpd. BPD can very easily, and is very often confused with CPTSD, ASD, Bipolar disorder, psychosis. My thoughts on your question would be to encourage your partner to book an appointment with a psychiatrist and seek a diagnosis.
BPD looks nothing like bipolar when one knows the difference. It's people not taking time to understand the patient who make mistakes. All things are hard to diagnose, particularly because most psychological conditions have roots in childhood trauma. One person develops this, another that, and then of course comorbidities.
@@roryhammond87 His two brothers(half & step) both committed S* years ago from Bipolar. I don’t believe my husband has that but I know there’s definitely CPTSD there because when he was “splitting” he was terrified of me touching him. Also, when we moved in with each other he would have inappropriate rages but never curse words at me or violence. He told me he couldn’t control the rages and had to let it out.
question about open communication: a lot of time i feel confused because i’m not sure if my partner’s reaction of stonewalling/getting upset is because of the way i expressed myself ? i always question if i approached them badly.. do u have any tips for that?❤
thank you for this insight megs. I am going to adopt asking if I approached it badly now because sometimes i can’t hear my tone of voice or notice my body language but based on my partners reactions/confessions to me when i’m susceptible to hearing him - I am not a good listener and I rehearse all of my dialogue.
@@laurenbatson5918 I know that’s why I said it, i’m not recommending it for anyone to try. I missed the quotation marks but was quoting my partner - “you’re not a good listener and you rehearse, missing the context of the conversation”. Now I can notice when I’m rehearsing and not being present in the moment. I do not rehearse anymore, not since finding this video and understanding why it’s bad
Just nailed it. Built up a wall that I keep trying to tap on to even make sure he's okay. It's straining the relationship but I need to make sure I'm healthy in my communication as well. Does this sound one-sided or is this just the BPD lens? How do I know?
Thank you for this. I've been curious about how I can communicate better. My signif other and I have been through narcissistic abuse. I feel like I open up too much while he just shuts down and goes quiet. How can I communicate better with silence as a response?
I've never had a healthy relationship outside my family for too long. I'm a BPD with 99th percentile schizoid and avoidant traits, plus some narcissism too so I have no ability to form a healthy bond, plus I don't think many people would ever like me anyway. The longer I'm with people the more I dislike them and vice versa...I have a strict 3 months rule: Any relationship or activity that requires some closeness needs to be abandoned after that time frame. At that point, I've already seen everything there is to the other person and from my experience, the trust you acquired from the means nothing but them confessing their less stellar traits, which I don't care about. I also have no interest in children, I'm extremely low functioning... I also actually get creeped out and scared whenever an ex said "I love you". After the creep phase is over, I just see them as my bitches more or less. No respect to those who love me, because I don't value myself that much either...but the same applies to most people. It's funny, because being loved felt so important to me when I was younger, but then I realized I don't care about it at all, just the atmosphere like in a good movie.
Dr. Fox.. do you have the text component of this discussion available as a written download for our resources describing necessary and critical specific components of healthy communication strategies ???
I have many videos in the playlist that you might find beneficial. I’m currently waiting to hear about acceptance regarding the borderline personality disorder Relationship Workbook. My fingers are crossed that they accept it.
Marriage and relationships are hard enough as it is. As someone who wasted the best years of their life with a BPD incapable of a loving relationship with me or the person she divorced before we met or the guy she divorced after we broke up I can attest a relationship with someone so deeply flawed it is NOT worth the headaches. Find someone who isn't broken. Your misery will not help them and only destroy you.
I completely agree!! I gave ten plus yrs to a borderline male with narcissistic traits & adhd.. the hot and cold energy will bleed you dry .. their constant boredom with calm relationships always leads to cheating .. unless they truly want to change & get help THEY ARE NOT WORTH THE HEADACHE!!
@@belle3055 But it's true. It's as dumb of an idea to have a relationship with a pwBPD as it is to have one with an alcoholic. That doesn't mean all people with BPD/ alcoholics are monsters. Not at all. It's just a dumb idea and it's obvious. One example: Riding a bike is generally potentially dangerous. We accept the risk because there's bike lanes, we have helmets and all that. Now that's just relationships in general. Telling someone that a relationship with a pwBPD is totally doable is like giving someone who's about to ride down the rockies on a broken bike a slap on the butt and wish them good luck. Sure there's a slim chance they'll be able to walk after and if they're really lucky, they make it all the way to the bottom and earn a Guinness world record. Unlikely though.
Missing the whole ‘approach avoidance’ component of BPD. Healthier you are, more they push you away. Question is, is it worth your own sense of self to be with someone with BPD.
I really wish I had the faith to believe I could have a successful romantic relationship anymore. But it's not in the cards with my Borderline diagnosis. It'd take damn near a miracle to convince me otherwise. It's just too much to handle.
It doesn't have to be too much to handle. Try changing the way you frame it. Try speaking about it in a more positive way. Like, "it is a lot to handle, but I can try. I can learn how to handle it, because I want it. It's worth the effort.". Because no one "has" a successful relationship. Some people work to create a successful relationship. But no one just has one. THAT would be a miracle. And a boring miracle, at that. It wouldn't be treasured, because anything of value worth having is worth fighting for. (By fighting, I mean working to learn and grow. Effort. Fighting against the natural tendency to let things stay the way they are.)
@@laurenbatson5918 Frame it however you like. The rage is still there and comes out in unintended ways. I've done this too many times and hurt too many people to think that it'll be any different the next time or the time after that. It'd be easier to change the color of my skin.
@@seanbangerter4145 I'm sorry to hear that, Sean. For me, I had to work on myself a lot before I could be a good partner to someone else. Don't get up on yourself.
"Listening to respond" is HARD to have to deal within my current signif other. I wonder if this is meant to be ended or if I'm missing something that I can get some insight toward. We met in the same location but years later got together in a long-distance relationship ..... which takes even MORE work as you've said in another video. I'm not sure.
I am 39 years old, I have been treated with medication for years. I had a romantic relationship and I was completely lost and experienced a mental breakdown. And discovered my final diagnosis -> BPD. The thing is that my partner also has BPD, I concluded with the peichiatrist. Can I reach the level with psychotherapy to be in a healthy relationship with my partner and have her come back to me if of course she wants to in the future?
Doc, I really appreciate your videos and efforts. I wanted to ask you something: Can sexual abuse alone cause BPD? I’ve also been raised by a narcissistic parent (whom were my idol at the same time🥲) and I thought this has added to it. (Note: It wasn’t my narcissistic parent who did the first thing I said.)
Thank you for your thoughtful comment! While sexual abuse can be a contributing factor to the development of BPD, it's essential to understand that it often results from a combination of experiences and environmental factors. It's great that you're seeking answers and reflecting on your experiences.
I'm so stuck because she's a lesbian I'm straight, she's madly in love with me, she's BPD and autistic and I'm never enough, even when I thought I was in a situation, she texts or calls me to complain about what I didn't do then gaslights me. I want to be her friend not her FP and I'm struggling to know how to make this happen. I live with her as she gave me a place to live and feel that I can't leave because of mutual friends etc so I want to be friends and have her drop the obsession. I don't know how. I'm open but also I'm quite impulsive and escalate her anger. Difficult. I'm drowning.
I am struggling right now. I have extreme anger because I can't express myself. I believe I have alexathymia. My relationships are ruined, I had to go to the hospital be cause of my thinking, and I am so deep I am not sure if I can get over what happen and be friends with those people again. I can't speak for myself and getting help is taking forever. No reactions just needed to vent.
I have a family member with substantial BPD traits (I suspect BPD). I find communication difficult because it seems the onus is on me to “read” their mind as to what they’re trying to express. I rarely hear “I’m sad/hurt/angry,” but what I tend to get is a simple blast of anger or passive aggressive love/hate. Really difficult
The anger is usually because we don't feel to be heard or understand. The number of time i said to someone they reached my limit or that im sad or dont agree or whatevrr and the other dont respect it, thats ehen anger comes. People try to argue with us or saying ee are wrong instead of just listening
Hello Dr. I was diagnosed with bpd 4 years ago after huge turmoils in life. I wana ask can bpd causeany problem in my kids. My son has behavioural proble.
Hey, I'm not Dr. Fox, but i have a borderline mother and can share a bit of my experience. I can not speak to the experience of your son since i don't know how far down the spectrum you are and how well you handle your disease. For me it was a very stressful childhood. There was constant fighting between my parents, basically every day screaming and shouting. My mother would threaten to leave many times and disappear for a couple of days, which caused a lot of abandonment anxiety. There was also splitting. I was either the greatest child or the worst person on planet earth. Long story short, i ended up with borderline myself, in addition to severe depression and ocd. I only learned this when my life fell apart in my thirties. Idk if this sounds familiar to your behavior and relationship to your partner. My advice would be to explore this and get him the help he needs, as well as do the work yourself to have a better life and protect the people you love.
If you display your dysregulated emotions a lot in front of him, if they effect their daily routine. Kids need consistency and variety. or as mentioned above: if you ever split over them
I'm really sorry to hear that you went through such a tough situation. It's important to prioritize your mental health, and sometimes that means making difficult decisions. Thank you for sharing your experience.
The open communication often makes me feel so guilty tho.. I know i need more reassurance than a normal person, is it on me to learn to just not need it? Or is it ok to ask the other person to for example message me telling that they're busy so i don't start thinking they're actively avoiding me. When i do explain my feelings i often feel humiliated and scared and ridiculous, even if the other person reassures me. Sometimes it feels like more harm than good to go through that turmoil instead of just keeping it to myself and waiting for it to pass/just become passive and not get another person involved in my thoughts.
I've got a question about time that we should give ourselves not to act in such extreme emotions (play with dog and so on and then go back to the person after we cool down a little bit etc.). What if the emotions are still extreme after hours and days…? I do many things to cool down and I think it is even pretty good, I don't feel so extreme emotions inside and I am just calm somehow. But when I write message to that particular person who triggered me then, she triggers me even more and I hate her even more. I don't know what to do. I was thinking about just talking to her, trying to explain what I am feeling etc. But what should I say? That I hate her so much now? I know that this part of thinking is from this borderline part of me and I don't want to harm this person telling that I hate her (moreover, I believe that in some time she will be my loved person again). But if I just step back in this relationship (what I am actually doing) I fear that I can lose her because I'm bulding something like an emotional wall between us.
Just communicate exactly how you are feeling without using verbally abusive language. Say sorry ___ I am feeling triggered right now by ___. I am taking some space from you because I feel very ___ about you right now. I am communicating this directly becsude I do not want to lash out at you nor cause you confusion by disappearing for a while. Please do not take it personally. Say it in the most logical non emotional structure you can even if you have to take a few hours to type it out in notes app first. I am giving this advice based off being the ex of a pwbpd who struggled to do this and would just lash out until he felt better and then I would be idolised again and it was exhausting and all I wanted was him to communicate he was upset or splitting without devaluing me verbally. It’s ok if he did it in his head but like the hit it gave my self worth and self esteem every time he verbally abused me fucked me up. I am telling you this not to condescend to you or to sssume you are like my ex because you are not just that your specific question is relatable to me and if you want healthy communication w this person it’s best to communicate in the most literal non emotional way how you are feeling and that you’re taking space to calm down because you don’t want to lash out at them. Even if you’re saying I am triggered right now and that makes me hate you. I do not want to verbally abuse you or insult you so I am taking some space etc
I learned to trust with many years of therapy. My partner came along, 18 months in he got cancer and died after 3 years, after the funeral I found out he was sleeping around. No thanks, I dont need relationships. Dont know why I even bothered.
Those comments are common and most likely caused by an Intense fear of abandonment and insecurity that they can't express in a way that's mature and rational . It's something a child would say when they are angry, it's just scarier when it's an adult but it comes from the same place. They need therapy. If they don't want it or is half assing it leave them.
I have some how become really bad at listening. I have a heard time and now we talk via internet a lot too, so it's all type and text. I used to be able to listen properly, I don't know what happen. I rehearse a lot, I think it's because I'm scared of saying the wring thing. But I also don't feel like I'm being heard either.
There's only one answer here in the form of a question... Can they get past your BPD enough to see you for the person you are aside from your condition?... If so then you may have room to grow with them, but without that (and that is definitely the hardest part) not really.
Let’s at least agree that these people should be raising kids, they are not capable of controlling themselves, it’s not safe and not good for the children. Children need supportive and caring parents.
I am having a long distance relationship with a bpd person....at first there were non stop messages and calls but she didn't talk much these days but she tells me that she loves me....i am afraid that she could stop talking to me
I think it’s important to always explore ourselves in the relationship and try to get a good perspective of the give-and-take. They can help develop a healthy relationship. I think being assertive with your needs and expectations is important too.
I can’t stand victim mentalities, I can’t stand negative attitudes, I can’t stand a lack of faith and gratitude in a person… I won’t let ANYONE with these traits inside my circle… however, I accidentally knocked up a woman one month after meeting her and she has severe BPD… our daughter is now 3 and this woman is never going to change. And I am never going to validate nonsense and a victim mentality. We are fucked imo..
@@DrDanielFox Thank you giving time to replying Dr. Daniel. I appreciate it very much, I have question if its ok? If youre in a severe state of BPD, with no DBT therapist and family support, basically your own your own. What are your chances of making it through this life, and just surviving. Thank you
They try to create any form of any anchors to keep them tied to you because they are difficult to deal with but I like some if their extents they choose to go to in order to have you around. 😂woooahhh make sure you can handle them before they trap ya eith an anchor baby or something.
My wife has BPD. I’m getting tested for ASD. We’ve been married for 4 years, together for 6, 3 kids, I did 4 years in the army. We both have wild childhoods, a lot of trauma but like a lot of these people are saying it’s just a fucking grind. And while it’s good to hear the sad stories and negative sides of this, hearing the good things and some of you guys stories gives me hope. We aren’t perfect at all, but somethings are just fucking worth it ya know
props for fighting. The overwhelming consensus seems to be to avoid or leave these situations - making our choices even harder. Keep fighting I wish you the best.
Amen
Love it. I also have bpd. My partner has sociaphobia and all sorts of other lovely diagnosis. Both suffered child hood traumas and traumas together while together but we have stuck with each other through thick and thin and have 2 kids together and everyone told us it's silly to be together with our combined issues but somehow we kind of help each other out and we are each working on our issues separately but are there together. Everyone has issues doesn't mean you can't be with someone. Need more good stories. 😊 it's not all doom and gloom.
My gf is asd and I'm Bpd... its the first relationship I feel like our personalities just fit... she's the only one that seems to understand the way my mind works.
Thank you saying I'm worth it
I'm in a healthy relationship but it didn't start out that way. I didn't know I had BPD, she didn't know she had ADHD and at the start our mental illnesses fed off each other and we weren't healthy. But over the years, we took time apart and we grew a lot and understood what we wanted from a partner. The best tool we had to improve and grow our relationship from a withered dying flower to a beautiful rose was communication. I finally understood my behaviour and got the BPD diagnosis. Understanding my behaviour for both of us, has really helped us be able to communicate and also be understanding when an issue rises. It has NOT been easy but a healthy loving relationship is worth all the hardship I've gone through. We're also not perfect either, but with communication we are able to handle any issues
This comment gives me so much hope. My relationship with my partner started rocky too, me having bpd traits and them having had a mother with bpd, it gets tough. We are definitely experiencing a tough patch, both of us feel misunderstood I think, but this does really give me so much hope. We don't wanna loose each other and are trying so hard
@saiasdlalsdsk1203 that commitment is great and if you're both able to communicate your feelings (easier said than done) I'm sure you find improvements ❤️
My relationship started rocky and ended there with a suspected bpd. I want to have a good relationship with her, really do want to. But, I don't deal with being lied to. I don't deal with she being open to flirting with others, Triangualations etc. I wish she had taken some responsibility of her actions.
Amazing u didn't give up. Else today people are being suggested quickly to leave and move on. Families have shattered. Hard for kids also. Kudos to your patience.
@@6drk6mrc6we all wish people would take responsibility for their actions amend them and have them replaced by healthy ones. That would be a perfect world. But we're nowhere near that yet. If you genuinely feel like you can work with this get knowledgeable about why people lie. You would better see things from her perspective and the defence mechanisms behind it. Also why people flirt with others. There's a reason behind it. First good thing that comes out of it, you will stop take it personally. Second thing, you will see it for what it is, a defence mechanism that enables her ( till date) to get her basic needs met. Plenty healthy communication and strategies around those issues might sort it. But ofc if you consider those your boundaries and have zero tolerance for it, you're perfectly entitled to that too.
Trust. My biggest weakness. BPD + historically being cheated on = cheating paranoia. Especially when my self esteem is low. And it definitely affects my ability to be present in all accepts on my relationship, sex primarily.
I really appreciate your videos. I wish I could afford treatment and better my life and relationships.
I have same issues as non-bpd partner. And after reading subreddits and forums about bpd (after she withdrew and acted like disgusted by me and accumulation of lies and some quirks about trust) I had to terminate the rs. If only she communicated openly. I've asked her three times.
I really felt this resonate with me. Sometimes it's just sitting and listening, putting aside your own negative voices and being with your partner and talking things through at face value. It is difficult when one feels overwhelmed by your own insecurities. I think it takes practice.
Diagnosed borderline. The person with borderline needs to *want* a healthy relationship. Sometimes we either aren't actually looking for one or we don't know what healthy looks like.
Understanding what a healthy relationship looks like is a crucial step in the right direction.
@@DrDanielFox Food for thought and helpful points but to say "trust your gut!" is just a modern phrase that is so meaningless when it boils down to it and can mean a million things, depending on ones state of mind. "Trust god" is the same, it means detach all reason and just be the slave of a vague idea and both can be really damaging to encourage, this sort of thinking, for anyone sensitive to mental health as it has not practical value and is just about intangible 'believe in yourself' but if that self is a mental wreck, these phrases are counter productive and might be like a nice thing short term, like drinking a whisky or eating a cake but have no substance or real use to address the deeper issues - surprised a professional would use such phrases
Better not to involve relationship.bpd person will make you insane.I tried it many ways as possible ....
I have BPD and my husband has Asperger's and we've been together for 23 years! Yes there were a lot of ups and downs not knowing what the other had. Especially not knowing ourselves what we had. But now we know and we are sooooo much happier!
God Blessed You Both! Am Happy For Both Of You! Blessings!🥰💞💪🙏🌷🌹🙏
@@Tina-p2x9i thank you for your comment but we're now getting divorced, because he didn't want to deal with me anymore 😭
Dr. can you PLEASE talk about trying to have a normal relationship/friendship with your FP and not obsessing over them, longing for them 24/7, feeling profoundly empty and sad when you can't be with them/communicate with them. And then developing extreme anger and loathing towards them because you hate how you feel about them while they're living their life happily and you're agonizing over them.
This seems like possible splitting… a common symptom of BPD
maybe ask yourself what you need or do nice things for yourself that you enjoy
The crappy childhood fairy has a great video on this called limerace which is essentially what a FP is. It’s basically the concept of unrequited love / also maladaptive daydreaming combined into one. Maladaptive daydreaming is fantasising and idolising a person in your head before actually knowing that person well and picturing yourself with them and doing things with them etc Ean’s it’s toxic because they will never fit that mould you made in your head and eventually will fall from your expectations of them and then you will think they are all a fraud and a lie and you will split on them and be angry and resentful even though it is not their fault you fantasise about them. I would say best advise is when you catch yourself fantasising or daydreaming try to stop the thought in the moment. Obviously you can’t make yourself not like them but you can stop yourself from making the maladaptive daydreaming worse.
This can be on either side. My wife has CPTSD and BPD. I love her deeply and we have been married for 10 years. What you describe is how I feel at times. Then feel guilty for feeling that way.
Go get cognitive behavioral therapy.
I don't know how many times borderlines need to hear this. A million times?
I really think this video will be very informative. Being able to coexist in a healthy relationship is crucial but it has to start from the roots, us, we have to work on ourselves and not let our emotions run the course. It is hard to already deal with BPD, letting our irrational thoughts and comorbidities get the best of us is not going to be the answer to our problems. Instead it will only make us have interpersonal problems with others. Thank you Dr. Daniel Fox for making this video and for all of your videos. I will be having breakfast with your educational video so I can better engage while not only feeding my hunger, but feeding my brain with your knowledge! 😃
Beautifully said 🙏🏽
@@dr.florence thank you! 🙏🏽
well said!
AMEN💋💞💪🌷🌹🙏🥰
I been diagnosed for 8 yrs or longer. For the first time I am actually trying to understand myself and stop being in denial.
Hard to take in I am actually the problem. If anyone I am dating , marriage , family members, friends do not try to learn about my condition or hear me the relationship will condemn. In the last year I lost 4 to 5 individuals in my life due to death,and inb abandonment, was the hardest year for me,yet got me to learn more about myself. Thank you
Me, a person with borderline having quite healthy long lasting relationships hava to defend myself all the time because no one believes me that I actually struggle with the symptoms of my illness...
Same lol
BUT FOR REAL, why does this happen? Just because we do have healthy relationships with people doesn't make our whole disorder go away 😭
Yeah I had this blow up in my face. Now I have severe anger issues.
Real talk.
You sure it's healthy? Cuz in your mind, you may perceive that it's healthy. But when I was dating my gf with bpd, she was extremely unhealthy and she was very toxic
I was in a long term monogamous marriage. In our 5th year he contracted early onset Parkinson's. It was very hard but we made it. He passed in 2003. I never sought another relationship.
I never thought it was possible. I think I have one though. We're both open, honest and kind to eachother. We're also taking things very slowly. I think that's been key.
If they treat you good treat them good. Best of luck to you, God bless.
Sorry but why is it key taking things slowly? Im in a 1month relationship with a girl with bpd and everything is being sooo fast and I keep watching these videos and get scared im not gonna be good enough helping her:(
@MADLaD no need to be sorry.
It's been key for me personally because in my previous relationships (all long term living together for extended periods of time) I had dived on in without truly knowing the person, having only seen the best of them. It can be destabilising for ppl with bpd to see their fp upset/angry/negative emotion after having dived into things, as it feels like a deviation from how they always are.
with your new partner, I think it's really good you're taking the time to watch clips like Dr fox's. I know it's scary, but if you can be patient, kind and loving, trust me, you'll get that back tenfold.
@MADLaD and if you let your girl know you're doing your best to learn about this then she'll definitely feel like you're trying.
Dr. Daniel Fox you definitely did not disappoint watching this video. What I did realize is that “a lot” of the time my BPD is doing better than I thought. Trust is one of my biggest problems as I catch people lying to me. I have no problem forgiving them and just ask if they would be honest going forward, they just can’t. There is a lot to process in this video, very well done! This will be helpful in therapy today. Merry Christmas to you and yours. 😊
@@patrickkirby7612 The people that lie to me and get caught don’t get a reaction nor do I become reactive. The question then is there are many lies that can be told that either do or aren’t bad enough to mention. When your partner consistently lies, he either can’t remember all of them and messes up. I call that a real problem as if I should lie, and get caught, the walls would come tumbling down in our house. There is no real excuse for lying to your significant other, they don’t deserve it.
@@WhitePelicansareReal you don’t think you overreacted but I can guarantee you did
I always have this feeling or the voice in my head that says, i will never get it. I will never get a healthy relationship. Or even healthy friendships. Its like looking from the outside in on people. They all grew up knowing how to bond, how to be in a relationship, how to be a good friend. And i'm like this alien who doesnt know how this all works. I hope i can get treatment next year. 😊💪
I wish you all the best in your search for treatment.
I appreciate self candor
@@DrDanielFox thankyou
@@thereisnosanctuary6184 thanks 😊
I feel the exact same. I feel like I am just meant to be alone. I was trained /programmed from day 1 that I don't belong
Thank you for your interesting presentation. I have had three 5 year relationships but it was not easy. Every day is a challenge having to repress many feelings..If I share my true feelings this tends to be overwhelming in terms of velocity and intensity of my emotions. I am also what in french they call 'haut potential' or intellectually gifted and need lots of mental stimulation. It is not necessarily that I distrust others but rather myself i.e. I feel that if I reveal my true nature others will never like let alone love me. Dissimulation is the only way that I know to try to survive socially. I 'rehearse' a lot and try not to share analogous experiences that I have had and just listen to my partner to not be overbearing....I feel as if I have to keep myself under control or pull on the leash.I will of course reflect on your good advice.
i feel like no one will ever love me period.....I am in my 50's and still no one has ever loved me .....I am so sad
Exactly. I do the same things. Social dissimulation sort of bothers me becaude i am sociable but the relationship is so exhausting sonetines that makes it next to impossible to have a social life. Imagine how they feel being so unruly.
I really love this community and everyone posting about what they go through, it helps even more to have him speak about it then hear the stories others have.
Love you all!! We got this guys!!!
What is so valuable to me is the direct and very clear way you have of explaining how to go forward with actual tools. Thank you
Every word of this is pure gold. I have accepted a challenge from myself to watch this every day for the month of January.
Everything I ever wanted around open communication but could never practice is covered in this video. I’ll let you know how it goes. 🤗
Im excited to get his 2019 Workbook for BPD.people
From reading his worksheets online etc.,and Complex BPD,the extra baggage of the several comorbities I carry too,will still be a challenge,but suffering most of my 74 years hopefully may soon get better.
Thanks.DrFox
This was a great video Dr. Fox. It reminded me that I need to intentionally listen to people more. I think we can all work on that one. I think sometime we want to be heard so much that we forget to listen-but if we actively listen more, there’s a greater chance that we will be heard when it’s out turn to speak. Thank you for making this one, it’s full of very good advice.
I can't have relationships. I live a life of isolation, because it's less painful than trying to connect. I can't handle any more daily pain in my life.
Thank God for cats
Hold on strong w your kitties. Sending you virtual good vibes
How is it going?
Exactly the same here. Sending you a virtual hug.
I understand this. I've decided to take a year off from dating to focus on my life and my kids and learn DBT. I've said this before but this time its different bc like you said the pain of being in a relationship would be worse right now for me.
Yep. That's where I'm at now. I'm chosing to isolate myself to protect myself. 8 weeks ago my BPD relationship ended. I got nothing left. I'm 51, and the ride is over. I'm ok with that.
You are the best psychologist I've found! You really explains how both sides can try to meet each other, instead of just saying that one part has a personality disorder and this person with the illness is bad (like most RUclips doctors I've seen says)
The same factors for any other relationship
Trust
Accountability
Shared values and life purpose
Respect
Thank you as always for uploading these videos. Having normal relationships have always been hell for me, being unable to trust people fully out of fear of being hurt again.
Happy holidays Dr Fox, hope you'll have a happy new years with your family and friends! 🙏🏼
Thank you very much. To you as well.
Yes you can have a fantastic relationship. When I first met my wife she admitted to having problems in her head, that was how she described it. We have been together for 25 years now, it's hard at times but so worth the effort. It takes a lot to adjust to living with a partner with BPD, you have a shared circle of friends and trust is an issue. She has a lot of dark times but you learn to talk and predict her state of mind. She is the most loyal, caring and supportive woman and if she didn't let BPD get her down she would be amazing. She supports me in my work and is happy to finance my hobbies. House work for her is non existent and when she does it, it's a big red flag. Expect lots of hugs and if in doubt hug her. Her problem is something that she can't control so I don't judge her for it. But you do need to be mentally strong and set boundaries that are not to be stepped over. Don't write off someone with BPD they do make amazing partners most of the time. I would recommend that you get a dog and that way you get a couple of periods of down time when you take the dog out.
I knew a girl
With bpd for a year and loved her , she didn’t know what she had nor did I, she was a habitual liar and degrading at times but I sense a lack of control and sweetness .
Unfortunately I was convinced at the end since she kept lying that she was intentionally playing with me.
I gave her flowers and she ended it while she was on a date with another guy tho she told me she was only going to see me .
Despite her warming up and seeing my constant acceptance it wasn’t enough, I wish she knew what she had bc I felt it would have been our answer , I still have love for her actually .
It always felt like we were a hairswidth away of being fine since I felt being accepting was the answer , I just feel she had no reason to doubt herself in her head since she didn’t seem to be diagnosed .
Then she went with a narcissist and I dread whatever she is going through now , she seemed really tender but also acted like she had no affection for me , it blew my mind
Your videos often make me feel like I'm on the right track while also giving me tools to be better. Thank you, Dr. Fox!
The open communication hurdle is tons of fun when you live in the intersection of autism and BPD: “I have a history of narcissistic partners and even when I want to tell you how I feel I struggle to articulate it in a way someone who is neurotypical will be able to understand”.
Took years to figure that one out.
I can imagine how challenging it must be to navigate open communication when you're dealing with autism and BPD. It's great that you've taken the time to understand yourself better and work on expressing your feelings effectively. Keep up the self-awareness and growth!
This is good common sense advice for TYPICAL people in a relationship.
Most people here are, or were, in a relationship with someone with BPD, and desperately want to believe it can work by something like communication.
Will communication make fear of abandonment, jealousy and devaluation go away??
If disorders could be defeated through knowledge, logic and understanding, there'd be much less depression and anxiety in the world.
Just look at the comments here.
You hear things like "My ex and I had a good relationship" or "I have BPD and have been in 3 good relationships".
In other words, it didn't last.
False hope is cruel and videos like this just exacerbate the difficulties of a BPD breakup.
I disagree and sorry you see it that way. I would suggest finding a mental health provider.
Dang dude all gaslighted you and told you to find a mental health provider for calling him out on the truth
@@DrDanielFox Unfortunately they do have a point though. I was in a relationship with someone with quiet bpd who was in therapy and there was simply no way to communicate with him when he was in an episode. It usually ended up with me getting accused of not helping him enough through his issues and not doing enough yet every time I asked what he needed from me I'd either get a vague answer like "I need you to be attuned to me" aka read his mind, or he'd just say he doesn't have access to his feelings. I tried so hard to help to the point I was on the brink of burnout, nothing helped. And I tried a lot, practicing nonviolent communication, coming up with different strategies. The problem is they don't know what they want. They cannot communicate and it takes precedent over the non bpd partners feelings because you're always busy walking on eggshells trying to anticipate the next meltdown. I think a message like in this video can be helpful but it's also important to not put the responsibility on the non bpd partner which- unless the bpd partner is incredibly self aware it almost inevitably ends up happening. I stayed longer than I should have because I kept thinking maybe if I just communicated better or did this thing differently it'll work. It didn't, he just kept expecting more and more from me and I kept giving and giving
@@gdgkuf2315 they don't actually have "episodes"... they lie the entire time. It's not as if they're having splitting episodes and getting bad. They are probably cheating on you since day one, and they also are hurting people every day of their lives in some way. Even when they're idealizing you or pretending to realize they're doing something wrong, they're lying and cheating!
What you actually end up finding out if you catch them in their lies, is that they start fights, split you black, lie, etc, so they can get away with being with other people. They don't even want anything from you but to cause drama, so they can have the time to be with other people, and they will leave for months or years no matter what you do. They're not even expecting anything from you at all. They just want to be able to cheat on you and anything that comes out of their mouth is a mind game so they can get away with it
Even when they pretend to want help or go to therapy etc, it's so they can throw you off from chearing.. it's all lies! Always will be too. They can't be fixed they'll just get better at hiding what they're doing
@@gdgkuf2315This is wise for any relationship. The other person has to be willing to take responsibility for their own feelings and clearly communicating their needs. There are definitely people without BPD who lack willingness to do that. Your needs and feelings matter too so I hope you make them an equal priority in future relationships.
A whole video on ways you can learn to trust yourself would be a good one!
This perfectly describes my partner. Its just hard to deal with because her family background is pretty bad, and on top of that she deals with BPD. Me on the other hand, am from a family where we are pretty good at managing our emotions and attack everything from a logical stand point once we calm ourselves. Where we clash is ill try to hear her out and its almost as if she wants me to accept her reality as truth. So when i logically break down whats actually going on she just starts attacking me. Am i supposed to just let her assault my character as to not stir her up? But then where does how i feel come into play?
Just leave man. Life is short!
i felt the same, sometimes there's nothing you can do. sometimes it just becomes malignant tolerance, in such cases, the importance of creating a space for trust and safety and the truth must be wrapped with lot of care, affirmation and validation ( that at least you see where they are coming from ) can help, but that's not guaranteed. it's extremely challenging.
You have no idea how much I needed this right now...
Wow! Great question. Looking forward to this premiere.
This is such a good video. I don't even have a personality disorder, and am in a healthy relationship but this is still just such a great way of explaining this
YES you can have a solid relationship (or is it the Bordeline telling me that?) .....married for 28 years....4 chidren together...but marriage fell apart as children left home....Shortly after got diagnosed with BPD.....It changed my life forever!
Question for you sir. I am a pure withdrawer at the moment as for the last 3 years there is nothing I can do that will make her feel whole and everything I do becomes with time me never feeling like I am enough. You hit the point on "being able to communicate our feelings and ideas while building trust". This is exactly how I feel that I cant trust that the next thing I will talk about no matter how little or big small or positive it can be will not trigger all those things on her reactions that make me go like "what the hell... where does that come from" moments. After 3 years, I became a silent version of myself that is the most neutral version of myself ever. Which in turn doesnt help her at all I just decided to not be an enabler and fall for it anymore, that reassurance, that person stalking me for positive or reciprocal feedback all the time after a kiss or other. Doing that seemed to have unlocked this state of the situation now that she is open for couple therapy. So the question is, when in therapy with her, how can I bring this up without coming across as the person who wants to fix her and anything like that. I know I cant, but I do have to bring up these BPD traits even though she never went to seek a diagnose. I am a nurse with a specialization in psychiatry so you know a bit where I am coming from with all that. Yes I have knowledge, but no I was not prepared for that, on my unit I only met with the extreme cases of BPD it took 6 months before I realized something was off in my relationship and I ended up thinking at some point I was the problem. I certainly had a part in it, I reacted to her behaviors as I felt threatened to my core values to the point I started to doubt my own ability in loving someone. Was very frustrating. Fortunately, it rekindled my spark and interest for psychiatry as I plunged deep into those subjects and realized how little I knew in fact. Evaluating someone versus understanding the dynamics, the state of selves and all those things. Well, 😅 sorry for dragging this on I learned I had adhd this year and I am certainly not at the point where I can properly manage my thinking machine once I start to speak on stuff I focus on. That said, thanks for taking your time to explain some concepts.
I still I'm madly in love with my BPD
okay weird tbh
@@gamma00crucis wow what eloquent words to say, you are so original!
Yeah. I think my BPD partner really had some luminous and special qualities that were part and parcel of the BPD syndrome: resilient, intuitive, a fierce survivor, brave and vulnerable. It sucks that these qualities aren't included when talking about BPD. They are the things that need to be built on and can make a positive difference.
Thank you for this video. You’re saving my relationship.
This will most likely be the Best Video yet by Dr. Fox. 😊 I’m waiting with anticipation!
Thanks. I hope you like it.
@@DrDanielFox Actually, I like all of your video’s, I just wish they could be longer. I do like learning how to get better, it’s just not as easy as that most of the time. Either way, I am still waiting with anticipation! Thank you for the comment! 😊
@@WhitePelicansareReal I love that he makes frequent, short, tightly focused videos.
@@wendyleeconnelly2939 I do as well, it’s kind of like he drops in with you 😊
You are doing such important work here. What you said about communication would sooo quickly be gobbled up by adhd-positive clinicians as simply adhd. I think the vast majority of people diagnosed with adhd actually have bpd or traits, and not adhd.
Dr. Fox did a video on ADHD and BPD, in case you haven't seen it.
@@RipsGirl Thank you. I did see it, but I didn't find it critical enough. Adhd isn't a clinically proven disorder.
@@TheDavveponken can you tell me more about how it's not clinically proven? Are there any articles on this that you like?
best doctor
Can you do a video about when the FP leaves someone with BPD?
Same 🥺
Thank you so much for your insight. I had to listen to your video about 20 times but it sinks in
I'm really glad to hear that the video was helpful! Sometimes it takes a few listens to fully absorb the information. Keep it up!
Hey. Thenk you for that video ☺️
I have bpd . have been daignozd befor an year and a half .. you really helping
Waching you from israel
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
If youre with a true borderline open commication of boundries is everything. Ive been married to a BPD (diagnosed by specialist) for 10 years.
I recommend have a calm rational discussion about boundries and actually writing them down in a list.
That way when she completely tramples all over them you can check them off the list one by one as you go.
That's a solid approach! Clear communication and setting boundaries are essential in any relationship, especially when navigating the complexities of BPD.
Asking someone to talk about a problem also makes you vulnerable to the humiliation of learning that they don't care about you enough to put in the effort to talk about your interpersonal problems. I've found it important to break through that fear and ask. And if you do end up humiliated, at least you can be proud to have done the right thing. (Might be AvPD.)
I like and respect that approach. Be well
@@DrDanielFox Awwww, thank you!
Wow. You're genius Dr Fox. Thank you
We need to listen and be honest. Otherwise relationships are empty. I feel like people on the spectrum listen with their head and not their heart.
It pays not to prolong an argument. It is better to walk away. If the other person doesn’t listen, it is a waste of time.
Yes you can...absolutely
Thank you for these videos, they are very reassuring. I recently bought your latest book too ... very helpful.
You are so welcome!
I haven't commented in a while, it's taken a lot of focus to get through the last couple of years, but I'm keeping up with your uploads. Thank you for all you do, Dr. Fox, your workbook has been essential to my continued progress.
I'm so glad this video and the workbooks is helpful for you. I wish you well.
Good stuff for sure.
Thank you Dr Fox.
Glad you enjoyed it
Once again a wonderful helpful video ..thanks a lot
#5 My problem with trust is that the BPD person's grip on reality is so fluid that they say whatever they need to say (reactively) and don't have any idea that they're lying. How can you truly trust that person? I try, but I can't really take anything at face value.
Suggestions?
I completely understand your concern. Trust can be difficult when someone's perception of reality is constantly changing. It's important to prioritize your own well-being and set boundaries to protect yourself.
I ran out of reasons why I would even put up with this.
Don't lose yourself in someone else's misery.
Can you please discuss a relationship between a bpd child and a narcisistic parent? Thanks!
He has a video about narcissistic parents already! :) hopefully that video covers what you need
Great video! Can you please do a video on a pwbpd love language? And how to effectively communicate with them when physical touch is off the table. I’m a woman with a male( undiagnosed) bpd partner.
Hey, friendly heads up, BPD is notoriously hard to diagnose, meaning there really is no such thing as undiagnosed bpd. BPD can very easily, and is very often confused with CPTSD, ASD, Bipolar disorder, psychosis. My thoughts on your question would be to encourage your partner to book an appointment with a psychiatrist and seek a diagnosis.
BPD looks nothing like bipolar when one knows the difference. It's people not taking time to understand the patient who make mistakes.
All things are hard to diagnose, particularly because most psychological conditions have roots in childhood trauma. One person develops this, another that, and then of course comorbidities.
he prob doesn't have BPD....it might be ASPERGERS ...look into that
@@roryhammond87 His two brothers(half & step) both committed S* years ago from Bipolar. I don’t believe my husband has that but I know there’s definitely CPTSD there because when he was “splitting” he was terrified of me touching him. Also, when we moved in with each other he would have inappropriate rages but never curse words at me or violence. He told me he couldn’t control the rages and had to let it out.
question about open communication: a lot of time i feel confused because i’m not sure if my partner’s reaction of stonewalling/getting upset is because of the way i expressed myself ? i always question if i approached them badly.. do u have any tips for that?❤
thank you for this insight megs. I am going to adopt asking if I approached it badly now because sometimes i can’t hear my tone of voice or notice my body language but based on my partners reactions/confessions to me when i’m susceptible to hearing him - I am not a good listener and I rehearse all of my dialogue.
@@drewgrant2795 he said don't rehearse
@@laurenbatson5918 I know that’s why I said it, i’m not recommending it for anyone to try. I missed the quotation marks but was quoting my partner - “you’re not a good listener and you rehearse, missing the context of the conversation”. Now I can notice when I’m rehearsing and not being present in the moment. I do not rehearse anymore, not since finding this video and understanding why it’s bad
Just nailed it. Built up a wall that I keep trying to tap on to even make sure he's okay. It's straining the relationship but I need to make sure I'm healthy in my communication as well. Does this sound one-sided or is this just the BPD lens? How do I know?
Thank you for this. I've been curious about how I can communicate better. My signif other and I have been through narcissistic abuse. I feel like I open up too much while he just shuts down and goes quiet. How can I communicate better with silence as a response?
Is there a workbook for couples where one is BPD?
"Asking for a friend."
@@glittergun I don't think that is for couples to work together
It really should be though@@SwatchMeCrochet
Thanks for the help!
Happy to help! Be well
Another amazing video!
Glad you enjoyed it!
I've never had a healthy relationship outside my family for too long. I'm a BPD with 99th percentile schizoid and avoidant traits, plus some narcissism too so I have no ability to form a healthy bond, plus I don't think many people would ever like me anyway. The longer I'm with people the more I dislike them and vice versa...I have a strict 3 months rule: Any relationship or activity that requires some closeness needs to be abandoned after that time frame. At that point, I've already seen everything there is to the other person and from my experience, the trust you acquired from the means nothing but them confessing their less stellar traits, which I don't care about. I also have no interest in children, I'm extremely low functioning...
I also actually get creeped out and scared whenever an ex said "I love you". After the creep phase is over, I just see them as my bitches more or less. No respect to those who love me, because I don't value myself that much either...but the same applies to most people. It's funny, because being loved felt so important to me when I was younger, but then I realized I don't care about it at all, just the atmosphere like in a good movie.
Jw you think it’s genetic or
Appreciate the honesty
Crikey.....
Dr. Fox.. do you have the text component of this discussion available as a written download for our resources describing necessary and critical specific components of healthy communication strategies ???
I have many videos in the playlist that you might find beneficial. I’m currently waiting to hear about acceptance regarding the borderline personality disorder Relationship Workbook. My fingers are crossed that they accept it.
Hoping for hope ... Anxious to see this ... ☮️💟
Marriage and relationships are hard enough as it is. As someone who wasted the best years of their life with a BPD incapable of a loving relationship with me or the person she divorced before we met or the guy she divorced after we broke up I can attest a relationship with someone so deeply flawed it is NOT worth the headaches. Find someone who isn't broken. Your misery will not help them and only destroy you.
Don’t generalize
I completely agree!! I gave ten plus yrs to a borderline male with narcissistic traits & adhd.. the hot and cold energy will bleed you dry .. their constant boredom with calm relationships always leads to cheating .. unless they truly want to change & get help THEY ARE NOT WORTH THE HEADACHE!!
@@belle3055
But it's true.
It's as dumb of an idea to have a relationship with a pwBPD as it is to have one with an alcoholic.
That doesn't mean all people with BPD/ alcoholics are monsters.
Not at all.
It's just a dumb idea and it's obvious.
One example: Riding a bike is generally potentially dangerous. We accept the risk because there's bike lanes, we have helmets and all that. Now that's just relationships in general.
Telling someone that a relationship with a pwBPD is totally doable is like giving someone who's about to ride down the rockies on a broken bike a slap on the butt and wish them good luck.
Sure there's a slim chance they'll be able to walk after and if they're really lucky, they make it all the way to the bottom and earn a Guinness world record. Unlikely though.
This is true sadly but true I'm in the middle of it
Thank you
Missing the whole ‘approach avoidance’ component of BPD. Healthier you are, more they push you away. Question is, is it worth your own sense of self to be with someone with BPD.
I think you’re in the wrong channel if you generalize like that. Cheers.
yeah, any advice without also shedding light on how traumatic it could be is wrong imo.
I really wish I had the faith to believe I could have a successful romantic relationship anymore. But it's not in the cards with my Borderline diagnosis. It'd take damn near a miracle to convince me otherwise. It's just too much to handle.
It doesn't have to be too much to handle. Try changing the way you frame it. Try speaking about it in a more positive way. Like, "it is a lot to handle, but I can try. I can learn how to handle it, because I want it. It's worth the effort.".
Because no one "has" a successful relationship. Some people work to create a successful relationship. But no one just has one. THAT would be a miracle. And a boring miracle, at that. It wouldn't be treasured, because anything of value worth having is worth fighting for. (By fighting, I mean working to learn and grow. Effort. Fighting against the natural tendency to let things stay the way they are.)
@@laurenbatson5918 Frame it however you like. The rage is still there and comes out in unintended ways. I've done this too many times and hurt too many people to think that it'll be any different the next time or the time after that. It'd be easier to change the color of my skin.
@@seanbangerter4145 I'm sorry to hear that, Sean. For me, I had to work on myself a lot before I could be a good partner to someone else. Don't get up on yourself.
Its like asking if a gambler can make money. Yes, but most likely no.
Yes you can ❤
thnk u sm for this video dr!
"Listening to respond" is HARD to have to deal within my current signif other. I wonder if this is meant to be ended or if I'm missing something that I can get some insight toward. We met in the same location but years later got together in a long-distance relationship ..... which takes even MORE work as you've said in another video. I'm not sure.
I am 39 years old, I have been treated with medication for years. I had a romantic relationship and I was completely lost and experienced a mental breakdown. And discovered my final diagnosis -> BPD. The thing is that my partner also has BPD, I concluded with the peichiatrist. Can I reach the level with psychotherapy to be in a healthy relationship with my partner and have her come back to me if of course she wants to in the future?
Who else is exhausted with relationships?
Me !!! I'm moving to my own island and living with myself.
Doc, I really appreciate your videos and efforts. I wanted to ask you something: Can sexual abuse alone cause BPD? I’ve also been raised by a narcissistic parent (whom were my idol at the same time🥲) and I thought this has added to it. (Note: It wasn’t my narcissistic parent who did the first thing I said.)
Thank you for your thoughtful comment! While sexual abuse can be a contributing factor to the development of BPD, it's essential to understand that it often results from a combination of experiences and environmental factors. It's great that you're seeking answers and reflecting on your experiences.
I'm so stuck because she's a lesbian I'm straight, she's madly in love with me, she's BPD and autistic and I'm never enough, even when I thought I was in a situation, she texts or calls me to complain about what I didn't do then gaslights me. I want to be her friend not her FP and I'm struggling to know how to make this happen. I live with her as she gave me a place to live and feel that I can't leave because of mutual friends etc so I want to be friends and have her drop the obsession. I don't know how. I'm open but also I'm quite impulsive and escalate her anger. Difficult. I'm drowning.
Can you do a video on being verbally abusive to your partner and children when you are splitting with bpd?
13:20 "If that was confusing, its because it IS confusing"
Me: but it wasnt though... Oh god Im hopeless 🤣
Oh man! My marriage did not have ANY of the five
I am struggling right now. I have extreme anger because I can't express myself. I believe I have alexathymia. My relationships are ruined, I had to go to the hospital be cause of my thinking, and I am so deep I am not sure if I can get over what happen and be friends with those people again. I can't speak for myself and getting help is taking forever. No reactions just needed to vent.
I have a family member with substantial BPD traits (I suspect BPD). I find communication difficult because it seems the onus is on me to “read” their mind as to what they’re trying to express. I rarely hear “I’m sad/hurt/angry,” but what I tend to get is a simple blast of anger or passive aggressive love/hate. Really difficult
The anger is usually because we don't feel to be heard or understand. The number of time i said to someone they reached my limit or that im sad or dont agree or whatevrr and the other dont respect it, thats ehen anger comes.
People try to argue with us or saying ee are wrong instead of just listening
I've found just as another famous therapist did that about relationship with a bipolar or sld is difficult. Ive failed ont heed out of life as tried
Hello Dr. I was diagnosed with bpd 4 years ago after huge turmoils in life. I wana ask can bpd causeany problem in my kids. My son has behavioural proble.
Hey, I'm not Dr. Fox, but i have a borderline mother and can share a bit of my experience. I can not speak to the experience of your son since i don't know how far down the spectrum you are and how well you handle your disease.
For me it was a very stressful childhood. There was constant fighting between my parents, basically every day screaming and shouting. My mother would threaten to leave many times and disappear for a couple of days, which caused a lot of abandonment anxiety. There was also splitting. I was either the greatest child or the worst person on planet earth. Long story short, i ended up with borderline myself, in addition to severe depression and ocd. I only learned this when my life fell apart in my thirties.
Idk if this sounds familiar to your behavior and relationship to your partner. My advice would be to explore this and get him the help he needs, as well as do the work yourself to have a better life and protect the people you love.
If you display your dysregulated emotions a lot in front of him, if they effect their daily routine. Kids need consistency and variety. or as mentioned above: if you ever split over them
My BPD partner refused to accept her BPD and destroyed my mental health through constant emotional abuse. I had no choice but to divorce her.
I'm really sorry to hear that you went through such a tough situation. It's important to prioritize your mental health, and sometimes that means making difficult decisions. Thank you for sharing your experience.
The open communication often makes me feel so guilty tho.. I know i need more reassurance than a normal person, is it on me to learn to just not need it? Or is it ok to ask the other person to for example message me telling that they're busy so i don't start thinking they're actively avoiding me. When i do explain my feelings i often feel humiliated and scared and ridiculous, even if the other person reassures me. Sometimes it feels like more harm than good to go through that turmoil instead of just keeping it to myself and waiting for it to pass/just become passive and not get another person involved in my thoughts.
I've got a question about time that we should give ourselves not to act in such extreme emotions (play with dog and so on and then go back to the person after we cool down a little bit etc.). What if the emotions are still extreme after hours and days…? I do many things to cool down and I think it is even pretty good, I don't feel so extreme emotions inside and I am just calm somehow. But when I write message to that particular person who triggered me then, she triggers me even more and I hate her even more. I don't know what to do. I was thinking about just talking to her, trying to explain what I am feeling etc. But what should I say? That I hate her so much now? I know that this part of thinking is from this borderline part of me and I don't want to harm this person telling that I hate her (moreover, I believe that in some time she will be my loved person again). But if I just step back in this relationship (what I am actually doing) I fear that I can lose her because I'm bulding something like an emotional wall between us.
Just communicate exactly how you are feeling without using verbally abusive language. Say sorry ___ I am feeling triggered right now by ___. I am taking some space from you because I feel very ___ about you right now. I am communicating this directly becsude I do not want to lash out at you nor cause you confusion by disappearing for a while. Please do not take it personally. Say it in the most logical non emotional structure you can even if you have to take a few hours to type it out in notes app first. I am giving this advice based off being the ex of a pwbpd who struggled to do this and would just lash out until he felt better and then I would be idolised again and it was exhausting and all I wanted was him to communicate he was upset or splitting without devaluing me verbally. It’s ok if he did it in his head but like the hit it gave my self worth and self esteem every time he verbally abused me fucked me up. I am telling you this not to condescend to you or to sssume you are like my ex because you are not just that your specific question is relatable to me and if you want healthy communication w this person it’s best to communicate in the most literal non emotional way how you are feeling and that you’re taking space to calm down because you don’t want to lash out at them. Even if you’re saying I am triggered right now and that makes me hate you. I do not want to verbally abuse you or insult you so I am taking some space etc
thank u so much😭❤️❤️
I learned to trust with many years of therapy. My partner came along, 18 months in he got cancer and died after 3 years, after the funeral I found out he was sleeping around.
No thanks, I dont need relationships. Dont know why I even bothered.
what if that open communication involved them telling me they want other people I care about to die? How do I handle that
That sounds like a BPD comment. Before anyone gets defensive, I've received directly similar comments sooooooo, yeah! 🙄
Those comments are common and most likely caused by an Intense fear of abandonment and insecurity that they can't express in a way that's mature and rational . It's something a child would say when they are angry, it's just scarier when it's an adult but it comes from the same place.
They need therapy. If they don't want it or is half assing it leave them.
I have some how become really bad at listening. I have a heard time and now we talk via internet a lot too, so it's all type and text. I used to be able to listen properly, I don't know what happen. I rehearse a lot, I think it's because I'm scared of saying the wring thing.
But I also don't feel like I'm being heard either.
There's only one answer here in the form of a question... Can they get past your BPD enough to see you for the person you are aside from your condition?... If so then you may have room to grow with them, but without that (and that is definitely the hardest part) not really.
Thank you for your comment.
Do you offer online therapy 🤔
Let’s at least agree that these people should be raising kids, they are not capable of controlling themselves, it’s not safe and not good for the children. Children need supportive and caring parents.
I completely agree with you, children deserve to have loving and responsible parents.
how can i get therapy from you ill pay ! Serious inquiry!
I am having a long distance relationship with a bpd person....at first there were non stop messages and calls but she didn't talk much these days but she tells me that she loves me....i am afraid that she could stop talking to me
I think it’s important to always explore ourselves in the relationship and try to get a good perspective of the give-and-take. They can help develop a healthy relationship. I think being assertive with your needs and expectations is important too.
I can’t stand victim mentalities, I can’t stand negative attitudes, I can’t stand a lack of faith and gratitude in a person… I won’t let ANYONE with these traits inside my circle… however, I accidentally knocked up a woman one month after meeting her and she has severe BPD… our daughter is now 3 and this woman is never going to change. And I am never going to validate nonsense and a victim mentality. We are fucked imo..
I know someone who has BPD been ignored and threaten to abandon him, if he cant heal himself.
Those can be very scary components of relationships. I wish you all the best and be safe.
@@DrDanielFox Thank you giving time to replying Dr. Daniel. I appreciate it very much, I have question if its ok? If youre in a severe state of BPD, with no DBT therapist and family support, basically your own your own. What are your chances of making it through this life, and just surviving. Thank you
Yes you can but you have to warn them about the behaviour
what if u have bpd and ur good at listening but bad at sharing your own struggles?
Insight is a powerful thing. Use it to learn about yourself and to build adaptive strategies to help yourself. Be well.
i’m scared i will never be loved because of my mental health
This is the fallacy of BPD. I know it feels real and intense. Be well.
They try to create any form of any anchors to keep them tied to you because they are difficult to deal with but I like some if their extents they choose to go to in order to have you around. 😂woooahhh make sure you can handle them before they trap ya eith an anchor baby or something.