The 7 Most Common Protest Behaviors of the Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment Style
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 7 сен 2024
- 7-Day Free Trial: university.per...
PDS Sale Code: WITHYOU -- 25% off All 3, 6, 12 month memberships and individual course purchases - university.per...?el=youtube
In this video, I go over the 7 most common protest behaviors of the Anxious (Preoccupied) attachment style, and the root causes behind these behaviors, to understand the underlying sponsoring intention behind them. Enjoy!
PDS 90 Day Challenge Group:
/ pdsmember
Do you know what your Attachment Style is? Take my quiz to find out now, and begin healing your relationships! Click here: attachment.per...
Lastly, if you’re interested in shorter form content and tips, follow my Instagram page! @personaldevelopment_school
I post every other day, and you'll find some completely new content there :)
Thank you for watching!
1. Making partner jealous
2. Calling or texting a lot-> when shift of pattern, partner showing boundaries
3. Showing up at someones house
4. Reach out to the friends or family of the partner
5. Testing
6. Trying to get a reaction by pushing someone away in hope to get validation
7. Criticizing
As a FA woman I react to that testing with anger and distrust. I hate manipulation and I prefer more authentic communication. When I'm in my anxiety mode I use different strategies than that, usually I'm more straight forward but I can understand this dynamic. I just feel trapped and want to cut off all contact when someone is trying to make me jealous or are testing me to force some reassurance out of me in this manipulative way. By this way I can see how I'm becoming more avoidant with an anxious person.
@@landy952 I'm much more healed now btw and I'm more willing to give reassurance and it's easier to react in a calm and mature manner. :)
@@landy952 Well, if someone doesn't work on themselves you can only go so far. :(
Exactly. I just interacted with my first AP and I couldn't even. We had 1 date and he was needy. I was watching a football game and he kept texting and tried to have a real conversation during the game. I already told him Sunday is for Football. I let him know my game was starting. I guess I could have said I wouldn't be available for the next 3 hours but I thought it was implied. The attention seeking behavior was out of control and I don't tolerate my boundaries being violated. It took my FA ass so much time to even establish the boundaries in the first place.
Of course he hits me with a criticism and dips out. Unfortunately, for him, my FA ass is always looking for ANY reason to NOT have to risk being hurt. He thought he was going to trigger me into compliance. He triggered himself into blocked and deleted!!!
I don't care. I am not dealing with anyone who can't communicate like a damn adult. I can be unbelievably empathetic and sensitive to the needs of the other person. I am NOT going to do the emotional work you should have done for yourself. We are all adults.
@@landy952 exactly!!!!
Experienced the same, I secured. Had dated an AP and when I don't do what he wants he would go tuntrums, jumping and shouting. He would call me in the middle of my class when I already told him we had class and I will just be available after it. No amount of reassurance is enough for him. Note that we were just dating. We are not yet in a relationship yet he wants to get my password in fb and emails.Did guilttrippings, crying and even flirting with other girls to make me jealous. He would even make some fake stories od bullying and people wanting to kill him just to get my attention. Later found out that it is not true. He also had some past cheatings and monkey branching in the past.That was really exhausting. We only dated for 2 weeks then I ended it. He protested by shoutings and smear campaigns of me and spreading lies. Guilttripping that if I don't go back to him he will damage my reputation and continue spreading lies. I ended up blocking him because he is already damaging my mental health. Later met his FA ex that idealizes their relationship. When I told her what happened she shifted from idealizing him to hating him remembering the bad side of relationship. She would idealize then an hour later would tell me all the abuse she got from him.
I think I've done these gross things while consciously trying not to.
These are not gross!! They are coping mechanisms to deal with unresolved pain or trauma. We all have coping mechanisms and anxious-preoccupied individuals are some of the most charismatic, lovable, open-hearted people out there! Be gentle to yourself as it is part of your healing
everyone has different subconscious strategies to get connection, just don't be hard on yourself. Try and catch yourself and change the pattern if find you're doing them again and again :)
-PDS team member
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool These are things we know to be true yet easily forget. I appreciate the reminder.
@@Rainbowkitty-Aria thank you so much for taking the time to write all of that. So happy you stumbled upon us and we love having you here growing with us.
-PDS team member
What I always tell myself and my friends: dont beat yourself up for the ways you beat yourself up. accept them and try your best to grow.
2:18
“We always criticize when we are afraid to communicate” Oof! That there… !🎯
I understand as an AP that I need to share my needs and have deeper conversation but when the time comes, I clam up around my DA. It’s very frustrating. I speak up in other relationships but not with my DA. At times I will say yes when I mean no and no when I want to say yes. Ugh!
Because you have been punished somehow by your DA in the past for speaking your needs...they probably ghosted and now you are afraid to say anything..
@@selenadiaz2665 Excactly. That is why I stopped trying to communicate my needs with now ex DA. It was like being in a relationship, but feeling totally alone.
You know I can see very clearly that I did try healthy ways to communicate with my DA my feeling was that I wasn't as anxious or preoccupied as I was being made to feel. I tried to say things in an empathetic and healthy way but it was often shut down by the DA and it made me feel more insecure. Thank you for reinforcing what i already felt it's completely normal and ok to ask for reassurance in a relationship. Your feelings being discounted is another thing entirely... That is a partner being unsupportive at best and abusive at worst
So true! I am 28% anxious preoccupied based on the test and the rest secure and i too dated a DA and i communicated well and shared my needs empathically but shut down and this made me more insecure.
@@melw3313 it's very hard. Two people need to be able to communicate for a relationship to work. It's not all on one person 😊
no wonder you seem so nice. You said aboat. You're canadian! lmao
I’ve always wondered where she’s from she seemed like she could have Caribbean background but Canadian makes sense!
😂😂😂i noticed that too lol
I absolutely love your compassion and kindness towards this subject! ❤️ I have the anxious attachment style, stemming from childhood. I'm in a relationship of 5 years and even now I still use these protest behaviors, it's awful and I feel ashamed every time! 😞 it hurts my partner that I can't trust his words that he will not abandon me. He says he feels exhausted having to constantly reassure and promise. I fear that it's having a really negative effect on his mental health! 😞 I've been working on it, and I've managed to stop calling/texting excessively but the problem is, I've just replaced one unhealthy behaviour with another. I'll send a message, then I'll pace around anxiously, checking for a response every minute, and as time goes on, I'll start trembling and crying, believing I've been abandoned. When my partner returns, the anxiety will vanish and everything is fine, but sometimes after the anxiety diminishes, I'll feel avoidant and become distant with my partner and I don't know why... it doesn't last long though and everything is back on track. It's just horrible though and incredibly unfair to my partner because he's very loving, kind and supportive! 😢 it's like, he loves me, it's clear as day but my brain cannot accept it. I'm always looking for little signs of changes in my partners feelings through his words and actions and that makes me moody and it affects his mood too, I just hate it so so much! 😢
I also have the anxious attachment style and I can relate to sending a message to my partner and then checking my phone every 30 seconds anxiously for a reply. And once I see no reply I feel like she doesn’t love me anymore. The pain is so deep that, at that point I start thinking of a break up, I start planning a break up in my head. But I know that my girlfriend really loves me a lot, but immediately she takes time to respond to my texts, or sounds a bit low on the phone, I immediately suspect that she hates me. And I start thinking of breaking up. This is my first relationship, and so this is when I am discovering that I have an anxious attachment style, and I behave like this. I am hoping that I will improve because I don’t want to push her away by frustrating her. I know I will improve.
I'm so tired of experiencing all of these on an almost daily basis... The fact that my AP partner cannot be direct about their feelings/needs and resorts to these manipulation tactics instead is emotionally exhausting, especially when I am consistent and upfront about wanting to work together in good faith.
I do all of this and then I notice it an i feel terrible about it. So I shut down and shut up.
I try to communicate but even then I don’t feel like I’m heard and like I’m doing so much explanation.
All I ever want it to know I am important and that I matter but without having to ask for it
I feel like this myself.
Me too. You're not alone. 🤗
I feel for you but the behavior is so god damn suffocating that it legit makes my FA ass want to abandon you just to teach you a lesson. I will also cut you off because I don't truly expect you EVER change, so if the behavior bothers me now, I know it will bother me later. Your best approach is to simply ask and NOT play games.
It is realllllly unfair and budensome to ask a partner to constantly re-assure you. You have to focus on healing so you don't bleed all over the other person.
Spot on..I've done all these protests with a da..land of confusion!
I'm FA and do the calling/texting too much when there's a high level of distress (major fight, breakup). I don't know how to stop....
Same here. I’m in the school now and hoping this is addressed in one of those Advanced courses. I’ll keep taking them until it is! Lol
Ohh you can change that ,I'm the personality type Infj so l need to process always the words so what you can do is right down (in a paper what your partner are saying) then right down your answer read it in to your mind several times and then you text him/her your answer, and you will feel calmer and slower when texting !!!😊
I also cannot self-soothe after a big fight, I need to make sure the person won't abandon me, otherwise I feel like the worst person in the world and that something is incredibly wrong with me. Like Thais said on another video about FAs, we have wounds on both sides.
Begins at 2:20
Sympathy and empathy... good point, Thais! All the difference in the world - one is projection, the other is attunement... I have to get better at this. It's hard. For example, sometimes I buy people gifts I would like to get, fragrances I personally like, objects I find beautiful - specially if I feel I don't know them well enough. And I sure as hell treat people how I would like to be treated, even if they (DA, I'm looking at you) clearly would not. LOL!
I've only come to learn about attachment styles in last few months.... Its amazing & it answers so many conscious & subconscious questions I have about myself, my past, relationships with family & partners....
I divorced 9yrs ago but always looked back on why I behaved like I did.........
Now I know... No.7 ....makes so much sense now... I criticised him so much & I never understood it as that's just not my normal character.... But now I fully understand..... Thank you so much for this video.....
But now I feel like I need to apologise to him.... 🤔 🤔 🤔
You should. I am an FA and I had to go on a long ass apology tour for all of the people I ghosted for no damn reason
Only issue is opening that initial line of communication with the DA, only makes things worse for an AP if the DA isn't willing or ready to look inward. Very difficult at best as BOTH parties in these parties need to be willing to work. Amazing how spot on you are with these personality types, you literally hit the nails directly on the head. I would love to hear a video on how to aide the DA in opening up and/or start the process of self-reflection without making them feel pressured or otherwise resulting in the continued cycles (20yrs of marriage)
Yeah you need someone who is willing to work with you and themselves on their own issues. The real problem is if their insecurities are being projected back at you. Because they are unwilling to acknowledge them...
PLEASe , im also in need of help on this as well please and without having to pay to join school , embarrassed already that im unable to get my own self together but also that i cant afford to join
Starts @2:18
This video actually makes me Wonder if I'm not an FA leaning anxious, or if I'm becoming more secure, these are the behaviours I'll never do to my partner even though I feel inside a lot of anxiety I tend to not show it even if it's burning me inside. And when I'm hurt, I really get the urge to quit everything but I don't really act on it, it hurts but I try to regulate myself through logic.
5:20 What if you DO anxious things like this in the dating phase
Excellent video, thank you! could you elaborate on ways we might “test” a partner as someone with an anxious attachment style?
Spot on-
Thank you.
This was a very indepth video
So many good points made here. Thank you so much!!
I feel awful now that I did protest behavior but atleast now I know for the future😐
Curious 🧐 can you just be with anxious disorder and not be anxiously attached?
My DA (lol @ my) is trying but his respones are empty (txt msgs). For example ill ask to take him to dinner. He’ll reply the next day with “Im just getting this message.” Like wth?! I told him i appreciate his response but they are empty and assured him that i appreciate him. I (securly) hope this helps us.
😣 working through this stuff is so uncomfortable
how do you even start to fix this? i just makes me want to give up ...
The problem with this is that as a man, it is taught/experienced that asking a woman for her validation turns them off. It makes men seem insecure. I'm an AP male and have learned this the hard way - trying to win back an DA female.
I love being open, honest and vulnerable, but it always backfires on me. Smh.
Maybe because you dated a DA? Not all woman are like that!
I have always preferred volunerable and loving men to cold ones. Oc there needs to be space for self, too in the relationship. But generally, I'd preferr someone be too clingy than too little
@@couch_philosoph3325 wish their were more girls like you TBH. Doesn't seem to be that way in my dating experiences. (AP btw)
It is unappealing because women are biologically programmed to desire men who are protect and provide. We naturally want stability, strength, strong sense of self, someone we can anchor into and build a family with. Add in any attachment trauma and boom! AP has no sense of self so women can't anchor. It fails to meet the evolutionary programming need and the attachment style need. You get double screwed!
Hello. Thank you for this video. In it, you mentioned AP/AP relationships are both rare and fleeting. I’m curious why you don’t see a lasting anxious-anxious relationship?
some things are they can get enmeshed really quick. They can get trapped into using each other for every need. there is a lot of unconscious expectation creating a lot of pressure.
-PDS team member
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Interesting and insightful, thanks! Currently an AP trying to become secure, in and on-off again with another AP. Helps contextualize
@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchoolplease can you either elaborate more on anxious and anxious type relationships. Or can you create a video on it.
but WHY does this happen? What is an example of a reason why a person would develop these coping mechanisms? I literally have done all of these in my 20s lol.
It’s the type of attachment someone develops with their primary caregivers when they are a baby and small child.
because the brain sees this as the fastest way of getting its need met, it's not concerned with the most healthy...just quickest. It just wants relief ASAP and doesn't have a better strategy at the moment.
Hey love, there is SO much information about this on this channel! Check out the other anxious preoccupied videos (especially the reprogramming ones) and they will explain cause and effect! - Thais
I love your content, thank you ❤️
I’m FA male dating a DA female. When I would feel myself become triggered and I would start to shut down I would actually tell my DA that I love and adore her. I would tell her that I want more of her and not less of her in-spite and me appearing to pull away. It didn’t work and she would be insistent that I was going to reject her.
Makes total sense. You leaning with a DA doesn't work. That's not what they want/need
@@ineedhoez Yes, sadly.
I'm an anxious attachment type and have never exhibited any protest traits at all, no idea what that means?
A guy Iiked has this style attachment style 😬 of course 😅 I am an avoidant hehe
I know your area of expertise is attachment in adults, but if you don’t make any videos on parenting through the attachment styles can you suggest some resources to find good information on this subject? I appreciate your content so much and think you’re really brilliant at communicating this stuff. I believe my daughter is anxiously attached to me ever since I started working this year (shes 5). It’s very triggering for me as a recovering fearful avoidant and even more triggering to my recovering dismissive partner, and I so desperately want to help her, but I’m not sure where to look.
Damn. All I know is that children's live language is presence. You need to show them that you will be there. Make sure to hug and kiss them and tell them that they are loved. Pick a night of the week to have family night. Do breakfast every Saturday or something. Seek the child out to give it love and attention. NEVER let a child seek you out for attention.
Don't tell the kid you will play with them in a minute and then make them wait an hour. They need to understand that you are there.
This makes so much sense wow
This is me and I’m 66 🙈
I did some of this and now my boyfriend left me. I don't know if i should go no contact or if i should ask for forgiveness.
You should talk to him. But you should really work on your healing. If you want to get him back, you will have to change
You look so beautiful today!❤
❤️
do you offer any help with excercises and reprogramming , without having to pay to join the school?
No. She can't give away her contact for free.
Comment for algo.
This is me 😢😢😢
I’m equally fa aa and secure. None of this is what I do. Hmmm.