I think the damned (in hell) long for death, certainly wish they hadn't been created. I wonder if demons feel the same way. Perhaps only humans can entertain ideas of self-destruction or of wishing God hadn't pulled them out of nonexistence. Very early as a boy, I experienced shame, not being enough, being inferior, inadequate. I recall being quite young, and the thought that I would have to live life for decades would crush me. I was raised ina dysfunctional family, my father was volatile, alcoholic, an angry man who could snap very quickly. Also, he was heavily into religion, even seriously considered becoming a priest in his 20s. My mother was submissive, didn't have ambitions, zest for life, she was obsessed with things being tidy and clean. What killed me was not my family of origin, but how God knit me cheaply in my mother womb. And about the womb, my mom once confided in me that she was so distressed and anxious during her pregnancy, that she wished she'd miscarry. So, yeah, I'm totally perplexed as to why someone who claims to love me snatched me from the perfection of nonexistence for a brutal life filled with everything that people instinctively fear and flee from. I'm not perplexed at why Satan hates me, I'm puzzled as to why someone would willingly and knowingly (God is prescient) give me something (life) that I would hate and that I'd never thrive in. My conclusion is that God creates human life for the kick of it, regardless of whether it will create untold misery for his creatures. I like to quip that I wish God had gotten a puppy instead of creating me. Shame, adversity, deep-seated inadequacy, stagnation, fear of others, fear of being humiliated, shunned, looked down on, adversity, poor executive memory which makes learning and retaining skills and info a near impossibility. Loving and trusting God over long periods of time is impossible. He has made damn sure that there'd be no way from me to thrive and be happy in this life, it's hard to feel touched knowing he loves me. People are dumb, but if God was all that, they'd find out eventually. Yet what we see more and more are people moving *away* from God/Church, mass apostasy. Objectively, I was created to lose, some would say ''suck''. Not content with me being a miserable loser, God wants to use me to get more glory. God doesn't want me crushing goals, getting my needs met, being able to dream dreams and to make them a reality etc., he wants me to be his vessel for HIM to get glory. Picture a billionaire trying to get the pocket change of a homeless man. God doesn't want to take me off the street, he wants to be *seen* taking me off the street. God is omnipotent, if he hasn't stepped in to elevate my crummy destiny, it's because he's not going to go against his eternal decree of lack and adversity for me. God is omnipotent, if my life is lacking in anything, it's because he *expressly* wills it. God to the cursed people like me is like an insufferable co-worker that you need to love and respect in order to keep your job. My litany being over, I did listen to the whole message despite the audio being low. I still feel somewhat drawn to God/Christianity/catholicism, which is why I enjoy listening to Christians. Perhaps out of curiosity, wondering if committing myself fully to God (which I don't think I had in me to do) would have resulted in a much happier and better life. In closing, my soul is weighed down by mortal sin. I know that. I also know that the prospect of a life without sin sounds like other layers of misery added to my already heavy yoke (and no I don't think Christ's yoke is light in any way, shape or form). There was a famous 80s tune with lyrics ''I give in to sin because you have to make this life livable''. If I was to go to confession, I couldn't muster the right contrition and firm purpose to not do it. Take sexual sin, apart from the brief physical pleasure, it leaves you feeling heavy and not great. But sexual continence, which may last decades or a lifetime, isn't a terribly exciting prospect, either. If you can't feed 4 kids, why have 8? Likewise, if you can't properly, fearfully knit someone in their mother's womb, why the hell create them?
Hey the audio is kind of low. I love the message
Oh no thank you for telling me! And thank you for listening even with the low audio. God bless you! Jesus loves you !🤍
I think the damned (in hell) long for death, certainly wish they hadn't been created. I wonder if demons feel the same way. Perhaps only humans can entertain ideas of self-destruction or of wishing God hadn't pulled them out of nonexistence.
Very early as a boy, I experienced shame, not being enough, being inferior, inadequate. I recall being quite young, and the thought that I would have to live life for decades would crush me. I was raised ina dysfunctional family, my father was volatile, alcoholic, an angry man who could snap very quickly. Also, he was heavily into religion, even seriously considered becoming a priest in his 20s. My mother was submissive, didn't have ambitions, zest for life, she was obsessed with things being tidy and clean.
What killed me was not my family of origin, but how God knit me cheaply in my mother womb. And about the womb, my mom once confided in me that she was so distressed and anxious during her pregnancy, that she wished she'd miscarry. So, yeah, I'm totally perplexed as to why someone who claims to love me snatched me from the perfection of nonexistence for a brutal life filled with everything that people instinctively fear and flee from. I'm not perplexed at why Satan hates me, I'm puzzled as to why someone would willingly and knowingly (God is prescient) give me something (life) that I would hate and that I'd never thrive in. My conclusion is that God creates human life for the kick of it, regardless of whether it will create untold misery for his creatures. I like to quip that I wish God had gotten a puppy instead of creating me. Shame, adversity, deep-seated inadequacy, stagnation, fear of others, fear of being humiliated, shunned, looked down on, adversity, poor executive memory which makes learning and retaining skills and info a near impossibility. Loving and trusting God over long periods of time is impossible. He has made damn sure that there'd be no way from me to thrive and be happy in this life, it's hard to feel touched knowing he loves me. People are dumb, but if God was all that, they'd find out eventually. Yet what we see more and more are people moving *away* from God/Church, mass apostasy.
Objectively, I was created to lose, some would say ''suck''. Not content with me being a miserable loser, God wants to use me to get more glory. God doesn't want me crushing goals, getting my needs met, being able to dream dreams and to make them a reality etc., he wants me to be his vessel for HIM to get glory. Picture a billionaire trying to get the pocket change of a homeless man. God doesn't want to take me off the street, he wants to be *seen* taking me off the street. God is omnipotent, if he hasn't stepped in to elevate my crummy destiny, it's because he's not going to go against his eternal decree of lack and adversity for me. God is omnipotent, if my life is lacking in anything, it's because he *expressly* wills it.
God to the cursed people like me is like an insufferable co-worker that you need to love and respect in order to keep your job.
My litany being over, I did listen to the whole message despite the audio being low. I still feel somewhat drawn to God/Christianity/catholicism, which is why I enjoy listening to Christians. Perhaps out of curiosity, wondering if committing myself fully to God (which I don't think I had in me to do) would have resulted in a much happier and better life.
In closing, my soul is weighed down by mortal sin. I know that. I also know that the prospect of a life without sin sounds like other layers of misery added to my already heavy yoke (and no I don't think Christ's yoke is light in any way, shape or form). There was a famous 80s tune with lyrics ''I give in to sin because you have to make this life livable''. If I was to go to confession, I couldn't muster the right contrition and firm purpose to not do it. Take sexual sin, apart from the brief physical pleasure, it leaves you feeling heavy and not great. But sexual continence, which may last decades or a lifetime, isn't a terribly exciting prospect, either. If you can't feed 4 kids, why have 8? Likewise, if you can't properly, fearfully knit someone in their mother's womb, why the hell create them?