How to Let Go of Your Adult Children | The Detachment Wall
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- Опубликовано: 7 сен 2024
- How to Let Go of Your Adult Children | The Detachment Wall
Any woman who is a mother knows and understands deeply the bond she has with her children. When they are youngsters our primary goal is to keep them safe and protect them from an unpredictable world. However, sometimes this protective role lingers into adulthood, and as children make their own lives and decisions a separation forms. This can sometimes be heartbreaking and incredibly difficult. Letting them find their way in the world is important but sometimes becoming estranged from adult children is one of the most painful experiences a mother can go through.
In this video, we talk about how to develop a detachment wall and let go of your adult children. How to accept you did the best you could as a parent, let them make their own mistakes, and move forward with your own life. It's hard, but we try in this video to share how to let your adult children go and find peace and happiness in life.
Some Resources
Christine Field Website www.realmomlif...
Christine Field Parents of Estranged Children Facebook Page / 225104114672108
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One by one over a span of fifty years my three children have crushed my spirit. My last one did it the other day. I woke up today and came to the realization that I didn’t have to be anyone’s mother anymore, my job was done. My life and world views are drastically different from theirs which causes problems. They all have no need for the wisdom of my years so they will get minimal sympathy and support from me. They are often rude and talk down to me as if I’m their troubled child. I decided that today I would mentally abandon them. See them occasionally but as of today I am my priority.
So sad. Stay strong and please take care of yourself ❤️❤️
I woke up one day with a different mindset to “let go and become”: all the things I hoped I’d hear I’d “say” to someone in need; biological or Not, they can’t give what they don’t have. The global trend is selfish and self centeredness. Jesus said he’d come with a sword Bible prophecy is fulfilled. He was the kindest most loving person ; accused of being a drunk and blasphemer. How I admire his not responding; he died alone . We all coulda Shoulda wouda but none are perfect. You’ll be blessed with anything you miss when you go become such as a support for one another. I’m mourning a friend who literally died of a broken heart tortured of why her 2 daughters were consumed with their own life and never regarded her. My lesson is not to let that happen . As one door closes another opens trust me!
Remember, don't be the devouring mother.
I am getting there
Your world views probably are wrong and totally nonsense. They're definitely bitter about being fed to the wolves/real world you hid them from.
I don’t have a relationship with my adult daughter. I have done a lot for her financially but naturally this does not obligate her to include me in her life. I would like an adult friendship. When I reach out, I get crumbs back. She clearly does not want me in her life or her children’s life. This pains me greatly. I know I must let them go. That is hard. Thanks for listening.
Jo. Why has she taking this stance? What happened?
I can relate to you so much.
I'm so sorry. I really understand and.it.stays with u. Sending hugs
I’m so sorry for you however if she asks for your financial assistance she does owe you. She is an adult. She can’t have it all. If she doesn’t want you in her life that should mean no financial help either. Best of luck and heal quickly
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am as well. Your not alone. The pain is awful. Hang in there it isn’t you.
For the Parent's who are estranged and they don't know why? It took me 3 years to get to a place to allow myself to feel comfort with the family that does want a relationship with me. I had guilt, confusion, sleepless nights trying to understand WHY? And this year I set goals to change the focus of the future ... and focus on the relationships that are healthy. I gave the pain to God. Feels so good to have the weight off my shoulders. I can now let my son know on birthdays, holidays, that I love him... but I don't expect a response. Focusing on the healthy relationships that I do have works. I am hoping and praying this touches a parent who is experiencing this for the first time.. during Christmas. Big Hug God loves you.
It's great to hear that you have found a way to navigate through one of the most painful situations in this life. I'm still working on accepting, letting go, and prioritizing fulfillment and joy in my life (without the kids). Very sad, but we must exercise all of our coping skills through this. Best wishes on your journey!
Thank you Barb, this helped knowing there are other people out there going through the same thing. I'm confused, angry, upset and emotionally broken. I don't understand why this is happening to me as I revolved around my children. Didn't even make friends as my children were my friends, now I don't know how to make friends. I feel so alone, from being a successful person I feel like a failure. 😔
I need your strength...I am at rock bottom...I know I am driving my son away....
I wrote this probably 4 years ago. I just heard from my son last week. By Text. He said . I am fine enjoy your mansion. I realized after 2 years I have not heard from him. Two weeks later he wrote he was coming to my lake home. And then 4 days he called.. No apology No explanation. And would not commit to any time, or how long he would stay. I told him he would need to call back that night. He never did . So I told husband how I felt. My Mom turned 90 last week. She is not well he abaondoned her too. In his life has decided that relationships are on his terms... and what has happened is doors are closing in all factors of his life. Work, friendships, and until he realizes that a relationship takes trust. It takes making an amends to the family you abandoned. He takes admitting mistakes made and what they need to get back on their feet. I know my husband left a message of my feelings. I know Mom' or Dad's go through ... now what. Will he hurt himself, will I never hear from him. BUT... LIfe and my family deserve a relationship that is solid, respectful, and normal. I pray my son get's to that point where he really does want a relationship. He is not ready yet. I will continue to call 1 time a month or text. But to anyone out there the best book I ever read that helped is called. Done with crying. It continues to help me .
@@tabesammughal8821 Do not beat yourself up. I did for 20 years. Give everything to God. Wishing you well and sending you my prayers.
I've started ignoring my adult children and letting them come to me. Eventually they get the message and show a bit more concern and respect. Sad we have to work for it. Very perplexing.
@@SH-4040 my heart goes out to you. I've managed to accept their ways and hold my own. Sending you a big virtual hug and hopes that things get better for you. 😘
I have realized that the saying, "A sons is a son until he gets a wife." Is right on. I have also realized that once your sons marry you are not in the picture anymore unless he wants you there. It is all about his wife and her family and then on top of that there is this weird (and you don't even try to have any competition with them) competition thing going with the daughter in law's mother because you (as the mother in law) are trying to have a positive relationship with your daughter in law and her mother is jealous of your relationship with her daughter. I don't get involved unless I have too. I learned that the whole thing (relationships with my sons, my daughter in laws, and with their families) is on them. If we get together we get together if we don't so be it. This is what works for me. Wether or not they like this relationship I don't care. After five years and two grandkids I decided to not make a big deal out of anything. I have always stepped back and let things kinda fall where they may.
Same here except it's my daughter..its all about his family and him. She has changed ..
I am learning this, although very slowly, and painfully. I suppose I was naive and thought that by not becoming upset when I was left out and not included, by keeping a smile on my face and my heart open and accepting, that somehow it would all work out. Here we are 10 years later and I’m still on the outside. I’ve never wanted to intrude, or be involved in everything. I only want to be a small part, feel loved. But it’s not to be. I’m letting go. Starting over at my age, and in these times, isn’t fun.
I liked your response very much it resonated for me on every level and agree I'm going to just let them all get on with it! It's time for me now. Thanks
Same exact situation, I miss not having a relationship with my grandkids, they won't know me and I won't know them and it breaks my heart
You have to enjoy what you do have. It has taken me years to actually get to this point. I have to be proud of what my sons have accomplished in their lives. Hugs to you. I totally understand. @@annettemastenchickenlove
The pain they cause upon a mother who loves their children and grandchildren and rejects them is nothing but extremely cruel and mean. That is what is not only painful and confusing, but scary.
😢 it sure is . I wish I knew the answer but god be with you
I am a Japanese Christian woman living in a big city of Japan This program or RUclips channel truly helps me as I am learning to let go of worries towards my kids who are living in Tokyo as artists. They are independent. It’s me who keeps checking instagrams to know if they are doing ok, or looking happy. I need to focus other ways. Thanks for your help!! It really helps me.
Several times our adult daughter would come home after a long period of detachment. To only blame us for her unhappiness. The realization is this... from this day forward my husband and I will focus on ourselves. Our well being ,our plans / goals. Just today she left us early in the morning with only a 24 hour stay , I felt no emotions . She is to live her own life . As we live ours.
Good for you! As someone I know said "this is not a hotel"
No need to bother about her anymore. She is not worth it. Forget she ever existed. After all she does not make you happy and she will not take care of you when you grow old.
My married daughter prefers to treat me like I am a nobody. Now she totally stopped talking to me n I accept that we cannot be happy going on this way. I have switched off n
exclude her in everything including our will.
I needed this! I feel so hurt when I am not in touch with my children. I need to find fulfillment elsewhere.
Yes!!! Do it!!
I volunteer at United Way.. it’s been great
Same here.
aint that the truth, we have to have a new chapter in our life, turn the page.
Hello there,how is the weather condition treating you over there?what do you think about Margaret as a lady?
A scripture I have found helps me daily.
It is from Jeremiah chapter 31 verse 16. CEV version.
But I, the Lord, say to dry your tears.
Some day your children will come home from the enemy's land.
Then all you have done for them will be greatly rewarded.
Please note the enemy's land speaks of a place where there is unforgiveness and hurt etc. Love and prayers to all those parents. Keep praying for your children. ❤
I needed to be reminded of this today.
„You can’t rely on your children to make you happy „… i am gonna stick this on my mirror
Yes, I found it hard to let go of my child when she turned 17, I think mostly I tried to protect her in so many ways, and now overnight I had to let her go and face the world on her own. I think the more I try to hang onto her the more she became defiant and pushing me away which in return then hurt my feelings made me feel like I was not a good mom. She is estranged for me at this time. She is my only child, so my heart is an excruciating pain. I have faith in my Lord Jesus Christ, that he will take care of her and protect her. I needed to hear this video today. Still learning on letting go.
Christine it's understandable that u feel this pain coz she's ur flesh n blood. However we need to accept that our children have to learn to live their life. Besides they've their own minds. They feel the need to live the way they want. We feel the need to make them live the path we feel is good. It's a painful process. We feel we do out of love. They feel it's interference. The Best is let them go. And we accept what they choose as they pay the consequences of good or bad its life lesson. Bless you.
You are not alone...we prepare them for becoming independent...maybe we forgot to teach them to be independent & staying connected. However I believe our communication Devices are so different in these days & times. We seniors are loss because of the huge change in communicating? ? ?
I’m glad I’m not alone in this experience!
Hello there,how is the weather condition treating you over there?what do you think about Margaret as a lady?
@@deniesekline-thatcher8380 Hello there,how is the weather condition treating you over there?what do you think about Margaret as a lady?
This video has really made me think about how I can put things in prospective. I've been expecting my adult daughters to be like my friends and wanting to meet up with them all the time. I realise that I have to let go.
I took my first solo coach holiday last December for Xmas week which is a good start!
Hello there,how is the weather condition treating you over there?what do you think about Margaret as a lady?
I have to learn how to let go of my 39 yr old daughter. She was diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder with Narcissistic tendencies in her early 20's and trying to have any sort of relationship has been so painful. She has my wonderful grandchildren and had stopped me from seeing them on so many occasions. I feel like I've been in an abusive relationship since she was 16. Everybody around me has seen it for years but I kept hoping that as she grew and had her own children things would change. They haven't. Listening to your video has helped me recognise my need to let go. Thank you.
My 40 year old daughter also has BDP. I have always been supportive without interfering but she has caused so much trouble for me and my partner within the family. I have realised that it is impossible to have a 'normal' relatiinship with her until she accepts her diagnosis and gets the therapy she so desperately needs. Its so difficult isnt it?
I am a grandfather to my step daughters children. After years of 'toxic' behavior from her that
i tried to address (which never worked) i finally reached a stage of letting go. I think it was to
a mutual benefit that it got to this stage. Painful but necessary for a peaceful life.
This is my life...ugh I am learning to give it to God and let go. I'm tired of always being blamed for all her problems. She. 33!
Letting go of my adult married son is really hard but sadly I must . He is disrespectful and abusive which hurts . Letting go of him also means not having access to grandchildren. It is practically impossible to have a dialogue with him or his wife .Listening to you is helping me make a decision, I have to value and respect myself and learn to get detached. Thank you 🙏
Find a small and biblical church family !!
I have a son that has two children. We probably have around a total of 24 hours of being around them. The younger granddaughter is 14 the older granddaughter is 17 going on 18. I've given up waiting to be in their lives, since he is from a previous marriage, my wife doesn't have the tie with him or the grandchildren, as I've been longing for. It sucks...... Oh, I had to edit my comment. My son & his wife moved from here in Michigan, down to Tennessee, which makes it that much harder.....
@@leighnapier4505church and religious shaming is why I’ll never allow my in-laws back.
❤❤❤
Omg I’m in the same position 😢 it’s overwhelming and hurts so much . We did our best
I needed to hear this today. My youngest son just moved to Europe to be with the woman he loves. I feel so happy about this but it’s hard to describe to people who maybe judge the fact he moved so far from me….. I feel like I kind of allowed (subconsciously of course) him to leave the nest to live his best life for himself, it’s not as a failure of mine. It’s not about me. I have let go of others judgements about it, and this video has helped affirm my feelings. I once read that children are not ours, they are given to us by god for a short time to care for and nurture but at the end of they day they have their own journey to live. I will continue on my journey as well, loving and encouraging his decisions unconditionally. Letting go of my ego. Thank you for this. Time to start my new goals and continue to live my own life.
Hello there,how is the weather condition treating you over there?what do you think about Margaret as a lady?
❤
I'm 54 and so glad I stumbled onto this channel. Some of your comments completely resonate with me. I have 2 daughters, 23 and 17 and one thing I absolutely do not want to be is emotionally dependent on my children. My mom is 84 and I see how she didn't really create a life outside of being a mom. I think that is very important.
You haven't lived it Please don't judge We are talking about being completely left out
Walking on eggshells trying to have any time with them at all
My son says he hates me even before he got his wife. He has been my world and hearing this has broken me completely. I have lived always thinking of his well being but now I understand I have no place in his life. I am devastated and Going through your video to trying to seek help
Praying for you ! ♥
😢 sad but so many adult kids do this it is so devastating & heartbreaking.
It hurts like no other 😞🙏🌸 praying fir us all thst we find peace
Thank you for having a conversation about this topic. I’ve recently had to “let my daughter go” She’s a young adult trying to find herself. But since the roles have changed, the boundaries are less respected and even toxic. I don’t want estrangement for years, but enough time for growth and healing to take place. It’s been heart wrenchingly difficult at times because of letting go of my dream of what our relationship should look like. I realize it is what it is, and I can’t fight during change. Take care of you ❤️
Delilahart Oh, how I can relate. My daughter and I have had a very difficult relationship, and now, I just try to keep the peace by keeping my distance.
or as my children say i may not be the mother they wanted but im the mother theyve got. (sad)
@@maggiefisher48 Your comment made me so sad. There isn't a perfect mother in the world. I just wanted to reach out to you and to give you a big virtual hug.
I feel this way too
This video has been up awhile but I just came across it. Really needs to hear this today like so many who have commented already. Honestly what I “want” for my sons is for them to both live independently and as happily as possible, I don’t want to hold on to them. Earnest wish is that they both find someone who loves them as much as I do but in a different way. ❤For those of you out there who are facing estrangement, well, the psychic pain is unbearable from the comments. I could find myself in the very same predicament someday.Everyone’s situation is unique. Right now at age 61, I am just trying to find some peace and happiness one day at a time. Practice self-care, whatever than means to you!
Just reading the comments to these videos is therapeutic for me. There are others suffering the same way I am and struggling to cope.... amazing.
Thanks, love. I'm 53 and hurting and you're a help. I never thought I'd feel so alone but for my own family... All of them. I'm just Done. It's just better.
Much love 😎🍀💗🙏🇺🇸
My heart goes out to you. It’s very important to see how you can start your own journey with the knowledge that when you are determined to take care of yourself, you can let go and choose happiness in the small things. I wish you well.
Hope I can get there with one of my children.
I know it hurts to see that they are not under your care or you are not a major part of their lives anymore. We did our part of raising them to the best of our ability now it’s time to let go of them just like our parents did.
Look @ the bright side you don’t have the responsibility of raising little ones anymore. If you are retired you don’t have to be @ work anymore. I think it’s the best stage of your life with much responsibility if any. Enjoy !
Finding myself having to be done as well. It's heartbreaking but not healthy for ME.
@@honeydippedkisses1 hi Nicole, I am trying to let go. But it’s proving difficult for me. I’m wondering how you’re doing?
My oldest is 38 and youngest is 24. I've raised many children who weren't my blood.... somehow they find their way to me and never through foster care system. It felt like I had an endless supply of children who needed me! It took no effort at all to love each of them as if they came from my body. Im 56 now and my door doesn't swing open the way it used to and the phone doesn't ring. I don't know what my purpose is most days. I thought it might change when my youngest had her baby a month ago.... who doesn't need their mom with a new baby, right? It turns out that I've raised all of them to be so independent! They really don't need me and that's actually a very good thing! It signifies that I should celebrate a job well done! I'm over the top proud of my little herd of grown ups now! Yet I would be lying if I said I'm enjoying myself. I didn't dream there'd actually be a channel that helps like your channel does. Thank you for the good common sense advice! The comments from other old moms, like me, are extremely helpful.
My son followed in his father's foot steps. Lots of problems with drugs and alcohol. Heart breaking but I had to detach. I have to find happiness and realize as an adult he has to make choices.
Mine too. I knew there was a lot of alcohol consumed but I've been told lately that it's out of control. I have tried talking to him about finances but nothing changes. It is heartbreaking.
Hello there,how is the weather condition treating you over there?what do you think about Margaret as a lady?
@@Chahlie Hello there,how is the weather condition treating you over there?what do you think about Margaret as a lady?
Thank you so much! I thought I was the only one in the world who felt that way and has punked myself, for being a bad mother. Having cried myself to sleep for decades over the decisions I made at that point in my life has affected my children's upbringing, which they punk me for over and over again.
I thought we were going to have a wonderful adult time together because I was the parent who gave them ultimate love as their father is (still) a narcissist / psychopath. I thought all the love I gave them would come to me ten fold . But to my shock, they turned on me and have excluded me, ignored me, not letting me see my granddaughter, getting married without my knowledge, etc. It's like their revenge will never end and it breaks my heart.
I felt so alone and your videos help me so much to move on and have a good feeling around myself and I want to thank you for that. It will be a long process, painful but necessary.
Thank you! ❤️
Very difficult, 2 adult children ,they are 50 and 51 and no contract, supported their father ,hurts ,wish it could be better in some way,need to let go
Yes, I find it very hard to let go. Prayer helps, entrusting them to God and also involving myself in activities that I enjoy helps.
These are all good points about detachment and letting our adult children have their lives, but there is an epidemic of adult child estrangement, and just in the U.K alone, 5 million parents are reporting this. It is a global phenomenon. Even China had to pass a law to force adult children not to abandon elderly parents as it causes a burden on society. I think a lot of parents of adult children are happy to regain their freedom and finances to spend on themselves, to enjoy life after years of sacrifice in raising their children, but elderly parents are now being dumped at bus stations, nursing homes, and shabby living conditions. Too many widows are left alone without a sign of caring by their adult children after the Will has been read. Grandchildren are cut off from loving grandparents who really don't have an interest in running their adult children's lives. They would just like some time with their grandchildren. These are good parents who stayed married and/or had good relationships with their children growing up. They are happy to let go, but a phone call on their birthday or a card in the mail is not too much to ask. Once a parent is no longer seen as useful for money or help, many are just disposed of without a second look.
Thank you for pointing out that this kind of estrangement is a global phenomenon. It is not talked about opening very often, because it is so heart-breaking,
embarrassing, shaming and confusing. So, I think a lot of us feel very alone in this silent pain. Fortunately, there are good therapists out there who are experts in this area, so that does help. The worst day in the year is Mother's Day, especially seeing other families together celebrating. I appreciate you reminding me that I am not alone in this.
@@LindyLouCantu The shame is not yours. It is your estranged adult child's shame and usually a third party who exploited and manipulated your adult child. It could be their spouse, the estranged parent's ex-spouse, or a relative who is jealous. All good parents make mistakes, but that has nothing to do with how much they love their children. Some wicked person comes into your adult child's life and starts manipulating and exploiting any childhood issues. Of course, adult children eat up all the emotional support and especially sons want to "protect" their spouse and children if the insecure spouse complains that she is not being treated right. Suddenly a good relationship with parents is torn apart. That's just vile. Then there is the ex-spouse of the estranged parent who bad mouths the target parent and convinces the adult child they are the only parent that really cares about them. That's plain revenge and it is vile as well. I run a support group for parents of estranged adult children and I do a lot of research on it. I've read testimonies of adult children talking about "why I shunned my parents" and it is so revealing how they have been manipulated by a third party and can't see it even in their writing. There are a couple of very evil women who claim to have been abused as children, (and I have compassion for anyone who grew up abused) but these two women have websites and write books advocating shunning and abandonment of parents of adult children, some very elderly and dependent. One of them claims to be a Christian. Even in abusive situations there is forgiveness if the parent has repented. But millions of parents in all western countries cannot all be abusive. Even China had to pass a law to make adult children responsible for aging parents because when they didn't, the government had pay for their care and they found it a burden on society. Adult child estrangement is shown to be generational as well and it effects all of society, even those that are not involved. And be careful of the mental health field. Some therapists actually advocate estrangement of family. I know, I used to work in that field. Society is becoming very tribal. If there is a difference of opinion, you and I are not in the tribe. It's a very difficult time for families as the world (media, government, schools) all want our children to think like them. Their voices are louder than the voice of parents. Families are the building blocks of society and that is why the wicked are attacking them. Get control of the family, as in defining it, and they get control of whole nations. Our adult kids are falling for it. Pray!
@@candaceorr7517 Wow! Thank you for your very generous reply. Yes, what a good point you make about the "third party,; and you hit the nail on the head, as that would be my ex-spouse. Your comment about therapists is also a good warning, as (ironically) one of my estranged daughters is now a therapist, herself. So, I have often questioned whether she will be advising her clients to cut off their mother/parents as a matter of course as well! One therapist who is an expert in this area is Tina Gilbertson, who I have found to be very compassionate and helpful in her You Tubes and books. It's wonderful that you are doing so much research and leading a support group. You are filling a great need, indeed. It is helpful to understand the part that media/the internet plays in this whole societal cancel-culture that disposes of people so quickly. I'm trying to learn what I need to in my own development, but with the daughters not being willing to even communicate, I doubt that I will ever know the reasons why they have cut me off. I was not even invited to my daughter's Doctoral graduation, but her very abusive father was. Fortunately, I still have 2 of my 4 children in my life, but the estrangements are a pain like no other. It's like a death, but with rejection added on, so a lot of grief to process. Thanks for your great input!
@@LindyLouCantu You are very welcome.
What a fantastic overview of this subject! You covered exactly what my friends are experiencing in this modern society. So glad others understand. Thanks .
Ended a 10-year relationship/5-year marriage with a woman whom I had no kids with but she had her own kids... and although I saw the red flags in the beginning with the unusual attachment to her children, I figured she'd eventually push them out of the nest and they'd want move out on their own and experience the world. Boy, was I wrong. I talked about college with them and in exchange for going, I'd reduce their rent, and both had no interest. I offered to help them both find places and pay their first months' rent but neither had any interest. I always wanted her to maintain a good relationship with her children while they grew to be adult men. I also wanted her to grow and understand I was her partner in life, not her babys daddys.
Once I realized I would never be her priority and that her adult children would always come first and would remain living with her indefinitely or until, by some miracle, they met someone, they would not be moving out. One even admitted to me that he would never leave his mother. The other made random excuses for not leaving his mother. It started to become a competition between me and her sons and I just lost complete interest in fighting to have an intimate relationship with my wife.
So I moved on. I did what I felt was the right thing and I let them both have their mother all to themselves and her have what she really wanted so she didn't have worry about loving the third-wheel outsider. I wish them all the best with their lives and hope they have a great life together. I tried to explain to her so many times what the issue was but she never wanted to hear it and to this day -- once in a while I get a message from her about why we didn't work out -- and I always tell her, "It's nothing you want to hear." What would be the point of telling her now? It's over and done with... she has her two grown children who are going to take care of her for the rest of her life and I'm glad I got out of that situation.
I've learned my lesson and because of her -- I will never ever date or marry a woman with children ever again. You cannot ever be #1 in her life. Women with children should spend their lives focused on their kids and making them a priority. It's the right thing to do. Don't bring a man into your life and ruin his life if you're not willing to let your children become adults and go out and live their own lives. He'll give up more than you'll ever appreciate by staying with you. So please do him the favor... and only date and/or marry men who are as attached to his children as you are. Just watch the movie Step Brothers. You'll understand.
I am celebrating and I want you to celebrate with me. I am 74 and my Narcissist daughter (51) ( genetic from ex) and I are DONE. She has always been selfish and self centered. IN high school she would go weeks without acknowledging my presence. I would always reconcile apologizing for my wrong doings no matter how minor. ( telling her no for any reason)
I was a good mom. Always wanted to build up her self esteem. She disrespected me and I would always try to find a way to get into her good graces. When I set boundaries ( You will never disrespect me again or I will walk out of the room or hang up the phone!) she complied for some time, but her default mood would appear again and again. I moved to Florida from Ohio and she said, " You are just going to be another old lady living in Florida that know one gives a sh*t about."
So for maybe 5 years we've had civil conversations about the weather etc. but nothing deep. I didn't realize at the time that I was weaning myself away from her and her abuse.
She put a post on FB stating that she never had a good role model growing up. She had to be her own role model. Hmmmmm really...? So I commented..
" Raising 2 daughters as a single mom and going back to college to give you a better life was me sounds like a good role model to me. " Well that did it. She came back with a rage so bad that she texted me that I humiliated her and that I was a liar (?) and to never contact her again.
The love that I had for her in my heart and soul just blew out like a candle. No hurt, no pain, no anger...no nothing. I felt free for the first time in my life. She and her sister haven't spoken in 17 years because of her behavior.
So I am tattooing a little ghost on my ankle to represent me ghosting her. I responded to her text and said, " Message received. " She continued to berate me, but I didn't need the last word. She is waiting for me to repair our relationship. She will be absolutely shocked by my not doing so. I'M DONE. And I am going to celebrate the rest of my life with my older daughter and my husband. Woo Hoo. Freedom date 1/08/2022. I will never go back and no guilt.
Good job!!!
Motherhood is the hardest job on the face of the earth, Margaret...So many women, including me, have beat ourselves up for not being 100 percent perfect! No one is..By the way, Our children aren't
perfect either...Are they beating themselves up over us? I am now more than ready to let my children go...They are in their 30's. Responsibility time. I can care, but, I can't take on their karma, anymore than they can take on mine. Thank you for another spot on video!
Motherhood really is the hardest job in the world. And the joy, worries, sadness, and the hurt now, will never end while I on the earth. Situations happened, relationships changed dramatically, that I have never expected. But, it is what it is, and I gotta cope with it, and let go, and move on.
Dear Margaret: THANK YOU for tackling this very relevant topic! For the sake of brevity, I'll say I was (and am) too attached to my son. He's had a lot of ups and downs, and Mom was always there to "pick up the pieces". Now that he's 45, with a partner and toddler son, he still needs some financial help, and I'm tired of feeling tethered. Because he had a breakdown and suffers from anxiety, I think I was too "soft". I live with them at the moment, and I feel suffocated and increasingly resentful. I made a bad decision; I blame myself for that. His father passed when he was just eighteen; that changed so many things. My grown daughter resents me for "coddling" him, so I'm in a no-win situation. I'm trying very hard to create boundaries and to establish "some" form of life of my own. It's a very difficult and emotional journey for mothers, especially us without spouses or partners. Thank you so much for this talk. Stay well and safe!! Rosemarie 💖
I can relate. No one to talk to about this issue. It's difficult for both me and my son but I'm tired of being accused of being the thorn in his side when all I do is try to make his difficulties easier.. I am finally at a point where I'm tired of being unappreciated and hurt. I want my life back, what there is left of it! No good deed goes unpunished comes to mind. - -Rock & Hard place
I think my adult son has cut me off after I requested that he start paying back some of the money he has 'borrowed'. He got furious when he wanted me to buy his mother in law a car and I suggested that she could pay me back for it. He is 30 years old. His phone (which I bought and pay for) hasn't been used since that week either. Problem is I had added his name to my car so that if I died it would go straight to him but now I need to sell it as have paid a small fortune in repairs lately and asked him if he would have time to go with me and take his name off it. I suspect I have made serious financial mistakes with him.
@@Chahlie I don’t think you need him to re title the car.. also remember to always title a car with OR not AND ...ask the DMV people
It's a life lesson to all parents to stop financing their children once done with their education. They will know the value of finance once they earn and spend. If parents supply they don't know the value. Besides we are moving in age and we need to keep ourselves financially strong. Or it will be challenging for older parents. Youth won't have time for old. So make sure u r financially free. Your finances will enable u to get aid and comforts. So be wise.
Please start paying attention to your daughter while you still have her, if she hasn't cut you off yet. Get free from son, at least financially and stop being tethered!
That is where I am right now. I jabe always defined myself as a mother and now that they are living and building their lives, very good ones and I am happy for them and proud, I feel alone, useless and lost.
Now you can build your own life outside of being a mom. It's all a process. One day at a time. Create your new life.
I too am struggling with this issue. My son and I are very close but he lives very far away now. Communication is key! I am fortunate that he is a good listener and communicator. If I am feeling really needy I tell him, and vice versa. If we can't deal at that moment we say so. We both try really hard not to lay on the guilt! Tell your son and his GF how you are feeling. Explain that you are so happy for them but you don't want to lose them. Best to you!
Take classes, create things, and go places on your own, like I did.
Thanks Margaret. Everything you are taking about is so very relevant to me and the reality of all you were discussing. So happy my son is happy and living his life and what we want for our children, but it is a difficult transition for me. And with the COVID and my mother’s passing in February all really hit me with my son living on the other side of the United States from me with his schooling a year ago. Today I got a text of a picture of the house he just rented and got all fixed up and his beautiful herb garden and I just wished I could be right there at that moment. Lots of emotions.
I ran across your podcast and listened to it. It saved me and made me realize I had to let go, it was killing me. I immediately felt at peace even tho it is Sooo hard I know it's what needs to be. Thank you
I was divinely led to you in desperation, as a mother of 2 adult daughters with this 'letting go' issue, knowing this is driving us ALL crazy. I didn't even think I was going overboard & never interfered in their relationships - but in child rearing choices and safety issues, my "suggestions" was a mask for 'over-caring' and NOT letting go. Hence, here I sit asking me about MY OWN LIFE at 65 and single (single and not dating) - I had many interests I have not done in a long time. THANK YOU, you've addressed my issue and saved my sanity.
My 29 year old son is moving away and I will have to do the same cultivation start healing me hope that you’re doing well
Thank you so much for sharing, this Topic, I’m 61 years old, I never thought, I would be estranged from my beautiful Daughters, who are now in their 30 something, we all are in agreement of the estrangement, I ask God, every day to continue to give me strength to honor the boundaries that are in place. Our relationships are very toxic and we all are going to need time to heal and grow up hopefully, The estrangement has been building through the years, I didn’t want to see how toxic, we all were becoming to one another. I Thank God I’am better able to look at our lives for what they really are and still love, but I must keep my boundaries up! God bless you for listening.
Hello there,how is the weather condition treating you over there?what do you think about Margaret as a lady?
Yes it’s going to get better. They will be more mature as time goes on
Especially difficult when you are a single parent. My only child upped and moved a fair distance away without any warning to move in their partner. Heartbreaking as I haven't been able to forgive myself for whatever I did to make them do this; (ie. not giving any warning) A lot of adjustment is absolutely necessary and letting go. and finding new ways to maintain that relationship. Thank goodness that I found this vide.
Give her, her space....create your own life now. Take one day at a time.
Very very hard..... when my kids were in elementary school several events happened and I needed to take a leave of absence from work. More events happened and I never went back to my primary job. I did other things but home/ kids/ husband were always first. In the meantime my friends either went back to work full time or moved. So here I am no real focus and no friends. After watching your video I realized I use my kids as friends...I need someone to do stuff with.. my neighbor approached me earlier, I think I’ll go say hi to her today...thanks
Did you go say hi? It's been a year now? Did you find someone to hangout with ? You sound like a nice person
@@lauracicero-miller3238 yes and no... joined and exercise club/ orchid club...I volunteer at United way during tax season... of course covid hit and all was cancelled (did zoom meetings) then my daughter came home.. her job was cancelled due to covid... had some medical issues and needed her help ... so it worked out...we have fun together...she got me roller skating again....we go to Disney....exercise and orchid club starts this week...I play on Instagram (@dancelong100) and hope to travel more in 2022...bumped into an old co-worker yesterday and she initiated exchange of Facebook... so was thinking of a get together with her.. as we emerged from our isolation (although things are looking bad here again) I will piece together things that I enjoy... working through a book called “a year to clear” ...
@@debbieghalib hi there, so happy to hear that your life is looking up! Good for you , shine girl, see you got this!
Same thing I did, I had no life, no hobbies, nothing going until after they moved out and I kept jumping up when she would call to use me, I finally quit and got a life away from everyone even her and she is even colder but that is not my problem
@@ladybird491 getting involved in volunteering and exercise groups helped me…we have new next door neighbors now and making friends..planning a big trip (kids will be with me) and looking at other trips…I go to the beach/ movies/ theater by myself (husband still works and doesn’t like to do anything).. I go visit an old friend who has been caregiving her husband who passed this past December so I think she wants to do stuff now..I’m giving her space.. the kids and I have developed a good relationship..I still have days when I’m sitting with nothing to do..but now I need to work on me… it’s a journey
My husband and I know that we were good parents even though our "woke" offspring disagree. They are both happily married to loving spouses and are financially independent. Proof that they were raised by well adjusted parents. We are proud of the loving parents we were and now we are enjoying our golden years with out them. It can be done❤
If your kids think you were not good parents, I would be inclined to believe the kids over the parents. We don't go estranged because we are happy with our families. Living in reality is necessary, especially if you would go so far as to call them "woke" on YT comments. I'm 51 and have been off and on estranged with my adopted mother since age 17. She considers me "woke". Me, I'm done with the shitty attitude. I'll stay estranged until one of us is dead. If you don't want estrangement, maybe get some help from a licensed psychiatrist. Then do what they say. And also, we become good human in SPITE of crappy childhoods....take some responsibility for your side. Denial won't get you anywhere. It's more likely we will stay estranged if we don't see shitty behavior change.
My parents also did what they knew and could, but for me they are clearly very bad parents.
When I think of how bad they treated me, I really feel sorry for my younger self.
They never ask how I am. They never care to go somewhere nice together and spend some nice time together. Even though when I am there, they don't even really talk to me, other than the needed daily task talk. And when I try to make a conversation, they boldly say out to Shut my mouth.
But boy if there is anything they can make up to accuse me or make fun of me, they will.
When I try to give my mother a hug, she pushes me away and gets angry. I have an endless list of horrible behavior from their part, while I pay many of their bills, clean their house when I am there, do ALL the admin, buy all their medicine and expensive healthy food, drive them wherever they want to go, have infinite patience with everything what they need or do. God help all people like me. We need you Jesus.
I have had younger co-workers in their 20’s entering their 30’s who could not make a move without mom and dad. The all-day chatter was ‘my mom blah blah blah...’. My own mother did a poor job of nurturing and protecting me as a child so I could not quite understand the constancy of these relationships between the adult children and their parents. I do not have children but my brothers and their wives are the same way. I think they really do believe that in ‘rocking the cradle’ for as long and drawn-out as they can make it they are, in fact, ‘ruling the world’. They involve themselves in all the drama, intrigue, family feuds and what not. Who would they be without the lives of the children to impress upon or even control?
thank you for this video...it hasn't been easy to let go of my children; and now as I finally realize that my children are doing well financially it is time for me to think about my husband & I ....this could be one of the most difficult lessons to learn.........
Hello there,how is the weather condition treating you over there?what do you think about Margaret as a lady?
I guess I'm one of the parents who do not find it hard to let go of my children. I am in full acceptance of the fact that once my children reach the adult age they should live their lives and I will not be their priority and that is a fact. The reason why I am in this accepting mode is that I want all my children, (I have 3) to live their own lives and I, live mine. I do believe that we all deserve to run and live the life we want to live for us to be happy, independent and make friends. There are still many things in our life that we can do as seniors to be free and happy.
I do not feel it was hard to let go of my adult children because I wanted the best for them and keeping my opinions to myself has helped develop good relationships. When my two daughters were teenagers they would not listen to me at all. I still made suggestions here and there until they were in their mid thirties then I stopped. Children are now 43, 45 and 47. We have a great relationship. I listen and only give an opinion when asked. I have friends who micro managed their children and wonder why their children have not become mature and independent. It’s a gradual process. Give your kids some space.
Hello there,how is the weather condition treating you over there?what do you think about Margaret as a lady?
My adult daughter and I are the best of friends. We love traveling together and talk to each other on the phone daily. I see no need for detachment here. This is relationship is working for both of us.
Lucky you. I guess you don't really need this video.
I struggle for so long with “The need to be needed “ knowing but not able to change it and I am very tired . Thankful to listen to you 💜
Me growing old -85 - has separated us. Can't do the things we used to do as a family, ie walking. We don't like the same things any more, so I'm moving away, then I wont expect my kids to visit me often....and my sense of adventure will come back as I will have to find new interests and hopefully new friends.
yes I find it hard to let go of them. I have 2 that are very narcisstic, uncaring. They have been to my house maybe 3 times in 5 years, never call. I have to call them. They are too busy. Their Dad and my parents were the same way. They are so neglectful, you would have to do cartwheels to get their attention. I am glad they do well in life and have good jobs. It is just the way it is. I stay busy with husb and friends but wish it was different but not letting them take my happiness. Sad to be ignored though.
Wow ! That’s awful
@@HolisticSoul123 yes it is, thank you. They wont make time for you, You have to accept it and move on with others.
same here . it's heart breaking . I have c 3 children . . adults now . 37, 34, 32. neither want to be a part of my life . my son 34, lived with me until 4 months ago . often I felt he was just using me. but that's ok. I wanted him to get ahead , save money buy a house have some savings . now , since he and his wife moved out and moved in with her mother . I find myself cooking and delivering food to them. it's hard to see that he doesn't have the time for a phone call once in a while . I now know I have to stop that and let them live . It hearts badly . my daughter lives in US so I can't go and see her and my grandchildren . I am alone now , completely . but I have to somehow find myself yet again . I don't even know how to begin . I use to love to travel, hike camping . I liked a lot of things . it's kind of comforting that I am not alone . there is mothers and father's just like me , going through same things .
Have to put into the equasion, genetics, seen behaviour, narcissism and or alcohol abuse from one parent, usually the one not having the children whilst they were growing up. Then the responsible parent, single I mean. Having to work to put food on table and not able to stretch themselves in every way. Then the stress on the sole parent. Narcissism can run in families as can addictions, one can only do their best. Acceptance is the greatist relief and brings enormous happiness back into ones life.
Some people never know what a good and caring mother was, say for example mother alcoholic, then onto an abusive marriage, thus sometimes the adult children can turn out similar, genetics etc, so the circle goes around. Therefore it is paramount to stay grounded and stable, and acceptance is a relief in itself. Lots of helpful info on the u tube available on narcissism and other topics. Enjoy nature and life for oneself. There is still lots to see and do to enjoy life away from the disappointments of estrangements from them. Thanks for posting.
Great video to address this issue--thanks! With my 3 adult children it's been different for each one. Older daughter became independent just out of her teens and a couple of years ago moved to another city so I don't see her often. My son is autistic and lives with me, which can be difficult at times. My youngest lives off & on with me because after college she got seasonal jobs out of state and has no where else to live between times (she tried but hated job and had roommates from hell.) Sometimes I long to live on my own but I am a bit attached to my kids, too. I stopped developing friendships as I got older because of them. I know that was not good but that's what happened. Now I'm nearly 65. So here I am.
I am going through a similar thing
Hello there,how is the weather condition treating you over there?what do you think about Margaret as a lady?
Yes, I have always been a helicopter mom which hasn’t done much for my child’s confidence and competence. It has also been a significant detriment to my overall financial situation. As I prepare to enter the next phase of my life (retirement) I am giving myself a good talking to. Change is a comin’!
Hello there,how is the weather condition treating you over there?what do you think about Margaret as a lady?
I feel so very sad watching my younger children cope with the pain of being ignored by their older siblings..
My son is 34 ...when he was younger he was so attached to me.
He's had a few women in his life ...but everytime he separated he came to me ...for help!
And vent...too dependant I found and finally said it's enough...I think he's hurt but I need my space
And I cut the cord...one day he will understand why I had to do it...
Wasn't easy...
Thanks for the video I don't feel so bad now..
I have watched several of your videos and am so grateful that I stumbled across your channel... finding myself becoming detached from my adult children has been perplexing and painful.. knowing that I am not "alone" in this strange land is truly redemptive... thank you... :)
Hello there,how is the weather condition treating you over there?what do you think about Margaret as a lady?
She's a great lady.
Let's focus on message.
It's captivating and soooo
Helpful.
My daughter, 35, has spent the last 3 years trying to create her own autonomy. This should have happened in mid-late teens. I have a son, also but their father married a person with 4 daughters and had a daughter of their own. My daughter became a “middle Child “ overnight. Her father completely stopped parenting her or showing affection towards her. He left parenting and discipline to his wife and it was ugly. She was 5 when everything changed. I planned to go back to work when she started school but not full time which I had to do. I spent the next 31 years feeling guilty because of her treatment and humiliation at her father’s house.
She became overly attached to me especially when her brother went to live with their dad (high school). She went into the psychiatric world at 11. She was never officially diagnosed till she was 20, bipolar/anxiety. At 20, she had a son and moved back in and we decided we both would co-patent together. I knew I had to let her mother him. She did great. She also had to learn to be responsible for her own mental health. I am blessed to have had so much time with my grandson (now 14). I finally moved to my first apartment when she was 27. A few years later, she got married, then divorced, THEN she moved in the apartment directly above me. That is when she cut me off. She wasn’t mean just stopped talking , texting responding in every way. It hurt worse because I could see her coming and going. (I did still have a relationship with my grandson).
It took awhile to figure it out (with counseling etc) here she was in her thirst, teen son, divorced and she did it on her own. Of course, that’s the natural order of things. But I mourned our relationship.
These last 3 months, she planned a 2 week out-patient mental help and she came out fighting. She was calm, determined and ready to ditch the relationships that weren’t healthy, changed employment AND welcomed me back with clear boundaries.
Hello there,how is the weather condition treating you over there?what do you think about Margaret as a lady?
You have so many valid points. It’s the hardest thing for a mother to do!!
I had to make one FB page where my children have access to it & one that they don't.
When I was learning how to be single again after a long marriage, one of the biggest stumbling blocks was my children. Their father had been abusive, was becoming more abusive with time. I knew that if I stayed with him, I would suffer a lot then die.
I tried to repair the relationship; in my marriage, it only escalated the abuse. When I left, then divorced the abusive ex, my children were angry with me. They had seen how abusive their father was yet they still blamed me for the divorce.
Their father paraded woman after woman after woman through our childrens lives. The kids blamed me for that, too.
I did date, yet, I made sure that I kept that completely separate from my children. They didn't want to see me much for 3 years, after the divorce, anyway.
The ex huzz had been very disrespectful to me, had taught our children that I was of little value, unworthy of respect from them. The 10 years following the divorce, I spent putting that respect in place. It was very hard, it's not there as much as it would have been if their father hadn't intervened.
When I was learning to be single again, I took trips to Las Vegas, Panama City Florida, Hawai'i, South Dakota to see the Native American areas. When I posted on FB, it made my children angry to see that I was traveling, enjoying life, becoming happier.
They made disparaging remarks, biting, cutting, insulting remarks. I spoke with them in private in person or on the phone, it made no difference.
Finally, to keep the peace, I created a second FB page where I shared photos of my travels, being happy, enjoying life.
I have 4 adult children. The eldest is married to a man who doesn't like me, so, it makes it hard for her to have a relationship with me. I had to let go of the desire to have a relationship with her or her 4 children.
The second daughter is the most angry with me, thinks her father is Mr Perfect, blames me for "ruining the marriage."
My third child & only son is receptive but only when I initiate contact. I'm happy to initiate, it's a relationship not a game, lol.
The youngest & I have the closest relationship. She was coming to my home for Sunday dinner every week until I moved out of state. Now, she phones me every Sunday. Her husband loves me & is happy that she and I are close.
In truth, I would wish for a better relationship with the other three, yet, I will cherish the one I have a close relationship with. If the others come around later, I will welcome them with love. If not, I am happy with the one that I have.
I have two daughters in their forties. My youngest has been divorced twice and for many years has been struggling. We have helped her on so many levels. Still do to a degree however she has been making much progress but i still find myself anxious at times over her life and her two sons. My husband and i realize we need to let her take on more responsiblity. She is feeling better about herself as she really doesn't want to be dependent on her parents.
I feel so blessed that I've always understood that one day my son would be off and on his own. So I tried to enjoy every stage in his life that I was needed and now that he's married to a wonderful woman who is truly his soul mate, I feel free to relax and watch from a distance. Seeing them happily taking life by the horns, making decisions that they've come to together and supporting each other is gratifying to me also. They see her family more, who adore him too...and I'm very happy just getting to laugh and visit on the phone. I don't have the energy to host that I use to so this works perfectly for us.❤️
So helpful! Wow. Eye opener. So timely. If I hadn’t started volunteering at a city garden, I would have fallen into the habits you spoke about. It has given me something to nurture, and at the same time, nurtured me.
Hello there,how is the weather condition treating you over there?what do you think about Margaret as a lady?
I’m laughing as I listen because just last night I had this conversation with my youngest married daughter. She’s 43.
At age 2 with each of my daughters I started preparing them to live independently after high school. Once they were on their own I told them I’d be there for them to listen and assist if needed but I don’t need to know all their business.
My children learned early in life that growing up with a medical professional parent there is NO TOPIC that can’t be openly discussed in our home. So they are comfortable sharing if they have problems concerning intimate details. Over the years while listening to them I would have to put myself in a “ professional “ mindset to get through the conversations. I’m always thankful for the trust they continue to place in me. I don’t pry into their lives as I see some friends do with their adult children.
My daughters grew up watching their dad and me keeping in touch with our parents as we traveled extensively in the USA.
I stressed to my daughter the importance of knowing if she arrived somewhere safe will always be a part of me as her mom. She’s starting to understand as her youngest daughter attended college several hundreds of miles away and drove alone on lonely roads. Letting go is necessary but not easy.
My oldest daughter lived with me after getting out of the Army. She had a job and paid her part. We discussed ground house rules to which she already knew, example: no men sleeping over or entertained in her bedroom. I also told her I don’t need to know who you’re with or what you’re doing but out of respect I wanted to know about what time you’re returning at night. It also was a safety issue as if I heard someone trying to get in the house late at night I might shoot them.
My daughter being military knew the importance of accountability to someone else. Then my grandson lived with me while attending college. We had an agreement on his non monetary responsibility, example : keeping gutters cleaned out, helping repair things when needed ( he was engineer major). Also with each of them they did their own laundry, cooked their own meals, cleaned their bedrooms and bathrooms. We communicated once a week on the expenses that were taking place with utilities and property upkeep so they would be aware of reality of owning g property and everyday living. Now the grandson is living on his own, the daughter remarried a few years ago and I moved to my dream location to enjoy retirement.
Being enabling and co- defendant is unhealthy for all. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
I understand what you’re saying, and I’ve heard it before. But I wonder what our mothers would think. I know that I wanted a closer relationship with my mother, but she died before I had children. I always envied my adult friends’ relationships with their older parents. I still believe that we are meant to keep our elders close and make them part of our lives. I never had grandparents in my life...but what happens to those relationships now? Did we bring children into this world just to populate it and move on? That is how most in the animal world do it...but I believe we need and deserve more.
I hear where your coming from, we understand that we have to let our kids make their own way but at the same time have expectations that our children still make a little time for us, especially, birthdays, mothers day and this goes for their father's to. We still need to feel appreciated for all we have done, afterall it's a lifetime bond that we build with our children.
Yes I agree but not at the cost of their freedom
Hello there,how is the weather condition treating you over there?what do you think about Margaret as a lady?
I've heard that quite a bit from others that's a hard one. If they have a family of their own if they both work they are just living their lives like we did. It depends on a lot of things. If they don't reach out you could. Every once in awhile. But you really have to live your life like they are. I would think they would remember special occasions but they have in laws to just alot of dynamics come into play.
We Christian Boomers didn’t want this ….so don’t blame us! I believe the biblical and ancient paths are the best way !!
I just found this. Thanks. I don't feel so alone 🤗
It is just cruel. Grown children can be so unkind. Seems with all the benefits we tried to give to our children and all the opportunities that we did not have that we provided them with did not pay off in the end. Instead of glad hearts, they are very selfish and immature to appreciate the real love, time, and energy we put out and gave to them. I am tiered now, and finally given up on ever uniting again. It is a sorry walk in life when we live in a society who constantly cheers family and family gatherings when our own children are the ones who abandon and reject us while possibly still accusing us of not being good enough for them. Imagine that. The heart choice where we live is to each our own.
I'm going through this right now, thank you so much. My son is leaving with his girlfriend in two weeks to their own place and i am having such a hard time adjusting. He's my best friend and has been there for me through hard times and we have been through alot together and i feel like my safety net is being pulled away from me. it's a scary feeling and i'm just so sad.
You may just be gaining two wonderful people you can enjoy now. My son married in November after a very short engagement and now we have two wonderful caring people we enjoy spending time with. Once they settle in you’ll be able to have some one on one time with your son. And he may even appreciate you even more.
You’re not alone. It’s unbearable heart wrenching at times. I started listening to guided meditations off the app Insight Timer. They build your confidence whilst shedding a lot of healing tears 😭 Along with prayer
@@danessaartist thank you
@@sharonsmith469 thank you his gf is great it's just hard to let go
It's ok to be sad. I have 3 boys that are married. It's been rough. But he will make her his best friend. You may become a memory of the past eventually . It's painful. Let them know you are there to help them in ways they want you.
You deliver so well .
I am trying successfully to let go of my adult son and grand daughter as I know be wi use her as pawn to make me miserable .All children are my grandchildren now. I feel liberated
I let go of my children when they moved out when they were 18. Both live out of state so I don’t get to visit them but once or twice a year. I’m still available for emotional and financial support like now during covid-19. Thank goodness I can help. They r getting their inheritance while I’m alive but when they need it the most but they have not asked for it. I’m cautious that I don’t give them monies I may need for my own care as I age. I certainly don’t want to live in their space but possibly in their town so I can get their help.
I've done the same. They ( all 3 of them) are now in their 30's. I have given each a sum of money to help with each of their weddings & also some when they were in college to help with expense & food. I am now retired and living on a smaller income & have let them know that I will help if they need & if I am financially able. We stay close, talk on the phone at least once a month & text weekly. I feel we all have the perfect amount of closeness & independence.
@jay my kids are all independent. They all paid for their own college education & housing & food while the completed their education. They also paid for their own weddings & the youngest has purchased 2 homes so far. . .I would say they are far from dependent.
You kick em out at 18 they aint coming back! Its yoir home values why would kids ever talk to you again.. they were babies when they left
You are not obligated to give them anything
@@veganc5028. I don’t feel obligated. I’m retired and feel Covid has really put a hardship on my youngest son the most. Neither has asked for anything. Both have been independent for >20 years. I WANT to help them get thru this crisis.
This was a helpful read today. I appreciated all the stories and thoughts. Heart breaking, but real life. I am not alone.
Glad it was helpful!
Definitely, with both my sons who are 43 and 37. :(
Do you still have anxiety about them?
OMG this is so hard for me. One is 37 with MS and doing great in life but has zero time for me. The other one is 40 and living with me with 4 kiddos. I love the happy chaos but she is always mad at me. I am so tired of trying to be there for them and getting none of my needs met. Crying... My family has been my life. Oh and I am 60 and single, i love your channel. 🙂
Yes Margaret, I have two daughters 33 and 28 and I STILL have empty nest. My children do define me. They have been my world from the day the oldest was born. They have successful and good lives and do not need me like they once did. I need and want to know how to do a healthy detachment, giving them their space and learning how to accept the fact that I am no longer the center of their universe. I hope you can help me! You are so pleasant to listen to. Thanks!!
Start creating your own life now. It takes time hobbies, friends, etc... volunteering once a week....
This was very helpful. Thank you. I am 62 and my only child is 29. My attachment to him is so intense that it feels unhealthy. We live within 30 min of each other and are employed by the same company. We don’t actually work together too often but I do hear things and witness some of his behaviors that cause me a lot of suffering based on how others react and treat him at times. It’s been so challenging finding healthy ways to live but I am determined to do so. So grateful to read others comments and know I’m not alone. Thank you again.
Hi. So much enjoy the content of your channel!! Everything! I’m 61 and my 22 yr old son lives with me. It’s been a struggle lately. I’m going through trying to figure out how to move on. Logistics are complicated. But I know we need to be living apart.
Thanks for sharing!!
It’s a very freeing thing to let go of what you can’t control. Protect your peace above all. Respond with grace and politeness when appropriate. Don’t meddle or offer advice. Keep it superficial and don’t get into any power struggles.Find something you love to do. Carry on and keep your head up.This trend of cutting off parents painful but it is not the end of the world.
Excellent topic. Thank you.
Glad you liked it!
Watching from CANADA 🇨🇦
On Friday January 28th, 2022
I am in so much emotional pain and suffering from my adult daughter, the pain is just so unbearable at times. I LOVE my daughter 💕 so much. I just don't know what to do with myself. I am lost at what to do. My heart is broken in a million peices. 💔
Please help me.
Very hard: single parent with one daughter. She moved out because of grad school. We find it hard to live apart but we are doing it. She is 22. I am 58 and she was my focus. Now, I don't know where to begin to start over again.
I took my cues from my children when they stopped telling me stuff then to find out they told everyone else...so I backed off despite the hurt....every time I called to touch base they were too busy to talk....now I'm being blamed for all kinds of things and that I dont conform to their ideals.....very hurtful....I dont know what to do. They avoid me like the plague....but everyone else is good???
I have the same. My middle daughter who is 30, even Blocked me on all her Social Media, even though her accounts are Public, so the Entire Rest of the World is fine by her, just NOT Me ?!! So Painful.
@@carriered4715 I'm sorry you're going through this. Life does get complicated doesnt it. All we can do is do our best and take care of ourselves which is sometimes so hard to do.
Margaret, you've nailed it. Excellent.🌷
Thanks for listening
my children aged 50 and 47 have decided to see a councillor about their abusive upbringing....mind you they have not seen each other for years and they last HATED each other...........(it seems we cant have a relationship with three of us in it) so today Easter...theyre ignoring my messages .....i have bowed to what theyre both screaming at me in zoom even tho they see it completely wrongly. I feel very hurt...........and i feel as tho my skin has been torn back and the nerve endings are bare....i have said good morning...(no reply) ive said i hope they are feeling well (no reply).............so its time to let go...................well theyve let me go...........................im 73 and yes was a strong woman. xx lovel to all it seems that children can all be horrors to us eh. xx let them go and start to live. xx
Need more on this topic. Thanks so much . This let's me know I'm not alone. I'm struggling with my son. Trying to find that line between helping and enabling.
Wow! Just what the doctor ordered, what a great website. Isn’t it sad in this society there are so many issues on this very dysfunctional subject. Understanding detachment is very hard as you all know and I’m still working on it .. good days and bad but the phrase that helps me is to respond not react.. I know it’s difficult when you want to really let them have it but it will nvr work for that just empowers that behavior…my heart goes out to all of us who are sincerely trying and hoping to God all of us and our children find the way and if not we have to really love ourselves enough to find some degree of joy… time is a’wasting..
Hello there,how is the weather condition treating you over there?what do you think about Margaret as a lady?
Going thru this too
Thank you! I do needed to hear this and read all the comments! I am codependent on my son who happens to be 18 today. I am terrified of losing control and not being able to protect him. I don’t want to live like this cause is not fair on me and him so thank you for the suggestions.
I hear you on this I’ve lived vicariously through my son and he’s 29 and moving out for the second time my advice to you is to get and cultivate your life now because it won’t be so painful when your son moves home
Very helpful. Mine is 23 and I am in the phase of letting go … inside of me. She has let go, we have a great relationship but it’s transitioning … I need to focus on my future
That she is a part of, just not daily anymore. I am trying to be excited about this for myself. Very helpful thank you!
Thank you Thank you!
My daughter lives 500 miles away, in her late 30s, divorced, working, alone, and has 2 major illnesses. She also had major surgery in February and still recovering. When I text her or call her I don't get a conversation. I usually get, I'm fine. Exhausted. That's all. This in turn makes me worry about her. I asked if we could have a weekly time to chat. She said she can't commit to that. How can I not be so concerned and anxious?
Your daughter may be trying protecting you in her own way though you hurt.
She's probably overwhelmed and does not want to burden you, she knows you are there... If she needs you
My kids and i have always been very close. Their dad died when they were young. They are in their 30's now and both have life partners. My daughter and I are still close but my son left me for another woman, lol. There are grandkids now so that keeps us in regular contact. I just can't imagine not being a regular part of their lives.
I am so pleased to read your comment,I only just found this and felt very sad for all the others commenting.I have 4 daughters all really friends with me and each other ,and an elderly mother who we all love and care for.I have 10 grandchildren most of them adults and one baby one we all adore. We all have busy lives and help each other ,go on holidays for special events like big birthdays my husband is 3 of theirs stepfather and they get on so well .I realize I am lucky with my family and really pray everyone gets what they want and deserve.❤
This is a topic that I am struggling with right now. Your videos are most helpful. It is very hard to let go
Glad it was helpful!
Hi Margaret, really helpful video thank you. I e been making myself a bit miserable lately as I feel I’m losing my son, especially my eldest, although at times I can still see the child in him. We are part of their lives and also with my 9ther children but I’ve recently ( last week) realised that I am doing a lot of what you mention in this video and maybe holding back on moving forward with my own life and goals. It was our anniversary recently and all the kids forgot! Initially I was very hurt by this, although it is our celebration to be fair, but that’s when I realised that actually I need to detach myself slightly and get my own goals set and achieved.they are all in their 30s and have their own lives to lead and I am very proud of them. Since my mind set I am now looking into how I can move forward and whilst still being there for them and loving them, I can also be my own person now as me and not always as a mum first. Thank you for reaffirming with this video.
Thank you so much for sharing your video give such wonderful tips. I am truly love my mom and appreciate everything she has done for me. But lately I have been expressing to my mom how you been feeling and I want to start being more independent and get my own place. And she took it the wrong way and I'll tell her it's not for her to take it the wrong way that's how Circle of Life Works. I just want her blessings and knowing that her wonderful advice she gave it to me so I can end up in the right path and have a bright future. And I'm going to always remember that no matter what choice I make in life I'm going to still end up in the right path. I have been looking for counseling because I don't know what else to do or what that's advice could you give to me without feeling any guilt or regression when I start my own life please let me know and thank you
Have to share this episode with my friends. Thank you 😊
Thanks for sharing!!
I had a very good relationship with my 37 year old daughter All of a sudden last year she became distant. I will not hear from her for months and if I hear from her I must hear stories of how bad we treated her as a child. And what she remember and what really happend are like day and night. I live for my husband and children I sacrificed my own wellbeing for them. Now all this detachment? I never bothered her I normally leave my children to set the pace If they contact me I will answer If they invite me I will go. Now it's just stories of her bad childhood and I don't even correct the stories it will cause her to become very upset. If I could only understand why I will be able to find peace. I asked her what the problem are. She said there is no problem I don't know what to do. I lost my own mom very suddenly and I adored her I miss her.
I am all alone my friends live in other states. My problem is I want to keep my family happy despite the cost to my own life and happinness
I would like to work on balance. I think I need to work on acceptance of what my daughter does offer me and that is where the 'detachment' comes in.
It seems a natural progression that as children grow up, they have less and less need for their parents. After all, parenting is to teach our children to be independent from us. Likewise, parents have less need for the same kind of relationship with their adult children, than they did when engaged in parenting when they were young. In a way it is a balance. When that balance becomes out of balance, it creates difficulties on both sides, and thus unhealthy relationships. I remember when in my late teens and feeling my mother was claustophobic, I wanted to be free to discover my own path. Sadly, I was not there when my parents needed me in their final years, because I had chosen to emigrate. With my own daughter who lives about three hours drive away, and visits monthly, I try to be aware of her needs for autonomy. She is always helpful during big events such as major surgery, or medical events; and helps with things needing to be done on the house/garden that I am nolonger able to manage. That said, I am not invited to their home, or family gathering such as Christmas or Birthdays. Would I like a closer relationship? Maybe, but I do not get along with my son-in-law (for personal reasons) and chose non- engagement from him, after exhausting all other options. I still see my little grand-daughter when my daughter visits.
Nothing in life is perfect, especially not relationships. Yes, everything changes, but at the end of the day, they are what they are. Sometimes, all we can do is to mindfully resolve issues as we see best, and choose to focus more on our own interests and friends. Some try to 'fix' fractured relationships, with or without therapy. Personally, I compare broken relationships to broken pots, one can glue them back together again, but once broken, usually they are never the same. Perhaps others have a different experience, to share. Would be interesting to learn their solutions.
Love your channel, Margaret, you look stunning as ever, even without your beloved necklaces...LOL
You Sweetheart! I feel like you are speaking directly to me. Thank you! I really needed your advice!
Hi Margaret. I am an avid listener of yours from Jamaica. Even though I only recently turned 50, I really find the insight that you give at my age and I am making use of your helpful advice from this age. My dilemma is coping with living with and supporting my own mother (she turns 80 in four months) and living with her to afford so for about 15 years. She is both physically and mentally well and treats me like an odd cross between a husband and a "dependent"😊😊 child. Its really hard to take sometimes but there is no one else but me to do it. I hope that you can give some insight into how to cope in this situation in a future video. I also have a semi-dependent son of 22 who is in college full time so double whammy.
Even though you have a very complicated life, I really appreciate your attitude that is so positive. I’m sure it’s hard at times but just stay strong and know that you’re doing the best you can with what you have at the moment I’m not sure I can give you advice on how to cope since every situation is different, but I think it’s just finding some time for yourself every single day, go for a walk or take a thermos of tea to the park. Just don’t be overwhelmed by other people that are needing your support find time for you.
I would not want my children to make the mistakes ‘sins’ I did, so I would have wanted to guide them away from those by maintaining open communication, but, alas, they have cancelled me and are committing worse sins than I. Saddened for the regrets they are piling onto their life, when they could have been making beautiful memories.
🌸You are not alone...we prepare them for becoming independent...maybe we forgot to teach them to be independent & staying connected. However I believe our communication Devices are so different in these days & times. We seniors are loss because of the huge change in communicating? ? ? 🤷♀️.
♥️🩸✝️🩸❤️. 🕯📖🕯 🙏 I often think how often I ignored God tho I was Born again at the age of 10 and yet He patiently waited for me, protected me, and pick me up dust me off listen to my cries of desperation and forgave me. I must tell Jesus as He is a friend that stickers closer than a brother 🕯 🕊♥️🕊 🕯
A very good video for me. Knowing it's perfectly ok to be going through this part of our lives as parents is very insightful.
Thank you
Hello there,how is the weather condition treating you over there?what do you think about Margaret as a lady?
It's difficult for me to let go of my adult children. We all still live together since their dad passed away 7 years ago. I want to see them gainfully employed and independent. That's where I try to not nag but encourage. It's not working in the timeframe I want.
It’s very important to detach if you need to live healthier. Toxic adult kids are around the block, if you hurt.
Great to hear your thoughts on detachment from adult children. My adult children live here and save money for their next home. It is interesting though over time we have all set boundaries as four adults living under one roof. Those boundaries are very similar to your talk so it was great to hear. Now if we could just have room for the items four adults accumulate and bring into a house we would be good. Thanks so much! -