Top 3 Reasons Fearful Avoidants Pull Away When Dating | Fearful Avoidant Attachment & Relationships
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- Опубликовано: 7 сен 2024
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Healthy and Passionate Relationships after Emotional Pain (Re-Programming the Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style)
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In this video, we explore three common reasons why the fearful avoidants might pull away in a dating dynamic. These behaviors have to do with their most common core wounds and learned helplessness when it comes to trust. Check out the video to find out what they are.
Do you want to learn more about the Fearful Avoidant attachment style? Are you a Fearful Avoidant yourself? Check out our playlist here to find out - • Fearful Avoidant: Deac...
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel and thank you for stopping by!
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They live in fear. They suffer a lot emotionally. Its really sad
I find it pretty healthy to pull away/stop dating when someone is ignoring me.
100%
So on point, as always! I struggle finding someone who is both passionate and safe, often the passionate ones are not trustworthy and act selfish so i pull away, and the safe ones often are clingy and controlling so i pull away from them too 😅
This.... 🖤💯
I'm just curious how could a new partner you're dating balance those including doing kind gestures e.g. buying flowers? I'm always trying not to be perceived as needy but I'm a naturally kind and thoughtful person. So it often feels that there's a downside when being thoughtful towards an FA/DA and like walking on eggshells.
So u don‘t know what you want ?
@@jasonburden7999 receiving gifts early in the dating phase is super uncomfortable (for me). Too much too soon. Personally, I don’t even like flowers as a gift. I feel like it’s assumed that all girls do which makes the gesture feels thoughtless instead of thoughtful.
I was seeing someone who gave me flowers on the second date, i liked it because it made me feel appreciated. He also texted on a regular basis which also made me feel safe and that he could be trusted. I didn’t pull away until he started asking questions about how many guys i’ve slept with and how many men are contacting me etc, he also brought up the subject kids and meeting the parents too soon. I’m always looking for signs in the beginning if the guy is selfish and unsafe or clingy and controlling but it takes more than kind gestures like flowers to pull away :-)
Just jump here➡️ 1:49 You're welcome!
Happy St. Patrick's Day!🇮🇪☺️
Thanks
Stop dating them when you figure out who they are. They will never meet your needs, but you will be called upon to accommodate theirs.
Thank you for this! I feel like I don’t qualify to handle his needs & got more clarity with this video.
1:45 #1 trust is broken. The person dating a FA won’t even know what they did wrong. The FA will withdraw.
3:45 #2 imbalance feeling of giving & receiving from the FA. They feel like there’s an imbalance in effort, feelings, paying for things, time, energy, etc
4:50 #3 extreme polarity. If they feel you’re too anxious or dismissive, then they’ll withdraw. If they feel too trapped or controlling, they’ll shut down. They want the excitement & stability but they need to communicate that.
I am triggered in all of these ways right now. I am frozen. It’s not making me happier though lol. Thank you for typing this out.
@@thevent8059 I'm more of a visual person lol. Plus, it reaffirms to me that my behavior doesn't reflect his fears. I'm the secure person in the relationship and trying not to be anxious bc it's so easy to slip into that mode for me, especially since I have such a hard time falling for anybody. If they can't communicate what they want or need after I've asked, that is totally on them.
They never let you know what they need. The partner will not even know the trust is broken. Nobody can read their minds!! Dealing with them is just too exhausting.
They look for things too, even if nothing is wrong they’ll make something up in their head- there is no winning
I fell in love with a FA. He is now not talking to me anymore after I said something wrong I think? I don't think I could have navigated and made him happy after watching this! It's too hard to say exactly the right thing at exactly the right time all the time. I'm just a human who loves him! =(
That sounds more like a DA to me
@@LYoung-et2sg FA have DA tendencies
Communicating is usually such a huge challenge for avoidant types! I have worked on a lot of things but communication is still a huge step for me but anyways I am doing the certification course and I am really excited about it!
Yes, very hard… I could talk in depth about things it’s the small talk I avoid
That's so true. Whenever I should tell someone that something they did/said hurt me, I see it as if I was putting a sword in their hands. I know it's connected to the fact that in childhood things I said were used against me, so I became secretive, hard to read, not wanting anything from anyone... Yes, it's difficult to communicate.
For the second one, I don't feel like I would want to be with someone that doesn't balance giving and receiving naturally so I wouldn't see a point in communicating it
I can see your point, but I feel like as an FA every partner should have the ability to see why I pull away. That's not reality though. Maybe they have a different love language and aren't aware of the imbalance?
I used to feel exactly like that and then I really tried to communicate even if I at my core think it is obvious for others to get that. It was proven to me that setting boundries by showing who i am by what i need is crutial for others to understand me and respect my boundaries. When you are not used to doing this it is exhausting cause the nervous system is not yet ringed to handle healthy relationships and that goes with communication. It does get easier but I usually instead of shutting down and pulling back forever take time to communicate like a couple of hours or days not to long to shut down but give myself the time I need so I can communicate and respond from a place of self love and not from attachment wounds.
❤️🌹
As an FA that wasn't doing the work I would have agreed with you but I have become more secure than FA, I highly disagree. I can see the draw of that as we FAs operate in our fearful side and not asking for what we want and letting the person do what they will gives us the ability to say "see they aren't right for me, they don't give me what I need" and this affirms our beliefs that people are not "safe" or "trustworthy." The truth is that relationships are about learning to be seen and seeing the other person. That means showing them who you are and what you need. They will also show you who they are and what they need. We go from strangers to lovers with preconceived notions of what men and women "want" but at the end of the day we are individuals and everyone has different needs. Which we have to teach our partners about. This is where being vulnerable comes in and I know it's super scary to do it specially in the beginning of doing the work. But I promise if you continue to do the work and practice asking for your needs in a vulnerable way, it becomes so much easier. It's very rewarding. Much luck and healing to you. 🙏
In their seeking,
wisdom and
madness are
one and the same.
One the path of love,
friend and stranger
are one and the same.
-Rumi ❤️
Soooooo true. I think #1 and #2 hold very true in friendships, as well.
As for #3, it reminds me of something I have said, which is that as an FA the ideal relationship for me would be full of mixed signals and unpredictability on the surface, but beneath that, an absolutely unbreakable emotional bond.
Yes!!
That sounds like mental and emotional torture/ trauma bond!
As a FA, I feel like I'm usually VERY clear on what I want and need from you before deciding to finally severe ties (for actual relationships and not just a few dates and chatting weirdness).
😳 I’ve never felt so called out in my life, lol! I also tend to pull away when someone drops the L bomb too soon. I need a lot of time before I have those feelings. It freaks me out and then throw on the breaks.
It's cool, as long as you communicate consistently and honestly where you are and how you feel... It's brakes* btw when talking about cars. Just for future reference.
How long is “too soon” for you and how long is “a lot of time” in regard before you have those feelings? I’m an FA as well - 5 months is soonest I felt like I loved someone. Usually it’s significantly longer for me, a year.
@@wookiee27 yes, this is exactly my problem. I’ve been talking with a woman for about 2 months and she dropped the L bomb after Valentine’s day. We only do checkins once a day over text, once in a while talk about serious stuff. But mostly online flirty friends. Haven’t even met in real life! Totally freaked me out, like noooo, need more time and more quality time, checkins aren’t enough.
@@mariahlemeiux-lupien7493 I think we also have to understand, "I love you" vs being "in love" with you... Some people just say, I love you to people they care about, like close friends and family. Nothing crazy deep like y'all may be perceiving it (which could be a FA thing)... That's why communicating is so important. It clears the confusion, so both people can get on the same page.
@@wookiee27 As much as I appreciate the red pill logic, I'm not seeing how it applies to my statement... The point is, don't take words only at a surface level. What you perceive, may not have been what they meant. You're basically afraid of a word. Tbh, I think you're making my point.
Key is making yourself secure, so you're not triggered by as much, and can make clearer decisions.
Bcos of their lack of communication they assume things negatively & take impulsive toxic decisions without understanding their partners love, hurts or situations & pull away or sometimes jump into a rebound for their triggers (pain & anger).
FA here, shut down after voicing feelings of neglect, nothing changed with DA so major shut down. DA tried being consistent after the shit down but it was too late.
"too late" good luck having healthy relationships when you don't let people learn how to treat you and you just cut them off. I know a lot like you who are miserable now and seeking therapy for problems they thought were cool at the time
Thais you are amazing! Coaching clients is definitely something I would love to check out. There are not enough people trained in this area ❤️
Iam a FA and gave %110 with my DA boyfriend. It was exhausting but, I just loved him so much.. He kept leaving, which I thought was totally messed up!!!
Wonderfully intuitive video, Thais, as always, and thank you. I am FA all and all of what you said rings true to me. My chest starts to feel closed up when someone tries to control me or wants to get too close too soon. Dating a DA is the opposite of that, but the rejection that is involved when they deactivate is painful, too, especially after attempts to communicate how we feel. There seems to be a very large percentage of broken people out in the world trying to find love and your videos are helping many of us.
I myself am a secure/AP and I was in a relationship with an FA/DA which was very painful and felt like walking on eggshells all the time. Naturally I'm a giving and kind person but this would always make the other person feel guilty/unworthy as it would create an imbalance in the level of give/take in the relationship. I've tried communicating my needs to them but it never used to go down well, it would just create more feelings of unworthiness/shame within her for not meeting those needs. I'd even once bought Thais' book and gave it to them which didn't go down well lol.
Is it even worth getting into a relationship with an FA or DA? Or should you just walk away as soon as you find out they're FA/DA? Apologies to call out any FA/DAs out there but it's causing my heart to get broken a lot and I'm scared to date either again.
I feel like the ultimate test is how they react to you communicating your needs (in a way that is adjusted to them so they dont freak out). if they react well and try to work on it thats great, but if not.. well i feel like like that would just suck the life out of you
Are they willing to meet in the middle ground? Have they started doing the work on insecurities, communications, trusts, self-worth etc? When you have answers to these two questions, would it make you clear to decide, whether they're AP/FA/DA or even secure?
Walk away. The juice isn't worth the squeeze. Life is too short
I think it really depends on how willing the other person is to make an effort to work on becoming more secure, or how far they have already come on that journey. I'm an FA who used to be in a relationship with a DA, and found myself experiencing this feeling of imbalance too. It essentially became a one-sided relationship where I was constantly compromising and over-giving (which I know now is unhealthy to do on my part). From what you described the person you were with doesn't sound like they were very open to changing or working together with you, perhaps from getting too triggered or simply being too non-receptive. For me personally it has become a huge warning flag when communicating my needs (in a proper manner) "doesn't go down well" and sets the other person off, I've promised myself to not put myself through that again. If the FA or DA on the other hand is willing to listen, empathize, reciprocate and genuinely try to work with you I think that is a good sign.
Jason,
my situation with my girlfriend is * EXACTLY * like yours.
Even the attachment styles in both situations match.
I feel it is ** really ** weird to post this on a RUclips comment but I would really love to connect with you and share ideas and experiences to learn from each other and figure out ways to move forward.
Talking with someone who can deeply relate and understand all this would be such a relief.
It would be great to connect and share ideas.
Tried to post my contact details here but my reply gets deleted 😓.
Seems like the algorithm deletes the entire comment if there's contact details in it 😓
Please reply here if you like the idea so we can figure out how to connect.
So true! I definitely pull back at an ounce or rejection 🤣 I need consistency!
Yet won’t give it
@@jenbodhi1133 Yea, because you know me personally.
I still got a LOT of work to do on myself, before I could conceivably coach anyone but seeing the seeds of PDS spread is really good news! It will help many people
Discription of me 😂❤️ thank u Thais 🌹🙏🏽 on spot as always
Hey Thais👋. In the next video, may you talk about how and why certain attachment styles put people on a pedestal and how to stop? Not sure if it's just an FA thing (I'm an FA), but I'd like some help with this one.
Your videos content is very precious. Worth its weight in gold. Please speak at slightly slower pace. Thank you very much for posting great ones!
There's also the fact that some women (i understand men can be fa too) without fa issues behave this way as a way of manipulating by playing the victim. It is impossible for a man to tell whether there are legitimate issues or if it is all selfish manipulation; therefore a man tolerating any of this risks the chance of being taken advantage of. Maybe the best thing is to just treat an fa the way you would treat any other partner and never tolerate irrational selfish behavior.
this convinced me more than ever that i am a FA
All apot on. ~FA
If trust is broken:
She thinks I cheated on her which I did not. I have been completely faithful for over 7 years. She bailed. We have a 5 year old son. There is nothing I can do. It's been 9 months. She is unreachable. I didn't do anything... But she is convinced I did.
Is there any hope?
Video starts : 1:50
Always experiencing an imbalance
The excitement and safety is crazy! Lol but yes
What about when reconnecting with your ex and she starts pulling?
I am losing hope that at the end of my life anyone will still be here. I'm so tired of being this way.
Idk how to talk to a DA about how I feel. I’m number 3 totally right now.
I just want to say that I love your channel and I watch you all the time. Have a question for you though I am an anxious preoccupied and I have been watching these videos for a while. What will happen if I'm the one that pulls away from my fearful avoidant partner? I have tried to search the subject and have not been able to find it. Will he chase me or will he fade away?
Thank you 😊
So what to do if trust is broken ?
First comment ahha whoop!
Enjoy her videos on explaining the attachment theories. Only thing she needs to work on is to slow down on communicating and stop sayin “umm” frequently.
Looking bodacious babe 😉
Are you having troubles in your relationship or marriage or your partner just broke up with you! here is the solution for you
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It sounds like a losing game. It's like they’re reluctant to any human interaction if it feels meaningful, authentic or even remotely closer than they’ve expected. We need to let them be and let them go ❤🪷
Agreed
Thais even states if they aren't self aware or even remotely trying waste if time and future heartbreak
Omg, finally someone put into words what I went through lately.
You talk so fast it’s dizzying
😘😘😘 Xoxoxoxoxo