Avoid the Narcissist Trap: Telltale Signs to Watch For
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- Опубликовано: 11 сен 2024
- There are many key factors that illustrate pathological narcissism to help you identify it. In this video I will discuss one in particular and how it ' a strategy but actually a defense mechanism to keep their core content safe, and it’s called enlistment.
I will first talk about narcissism, then enlistment, then I will read some comments I received from Facebook and Instagram on the topic of how YOU spot a narcissist and what to do when you see it.
There is healthy and pathological narcissism. Healthy narcissism is the type that is based on true confidence in your ability and doesn’t take away from someone else. For example, a doctor with healthy narcissism has confidence he or she can help, that they can find what is wrong and help cure or manage what is wrong. Pathological narcissism, which we will discuss in greater depth, is a core content built of fear, doubt, shame, guilt, inferiority and others that is reinforced through the belittle, manipulating, or harming another person or persons. Let’s use the doctor example again, but this time the doctor sees what is wrong with you, communicates it in a way that you cannot understand, they use a lot of medical terminology you’ve heard of, and then imply or say outright it’s your fault, and then they tell you do this, here, without a clear and concise explanation. BTW, they never ask if you have any questions. If you do ask questions you are met with frustration, rudeness, and a sense of blame or being talked down to that makes you think, “maybe I’m just too stupid to understand what he/she is saying”.
Enlistment is a common defense mechanism used by those along the narcissistic spectrum. It is defined as Help of one or more of his/her codependent or needy friends who will support his/her distorted view. Narcissistic individuals build networks that reinforce their narcissism, and they do this through enlistment. Let me know give you the singles bar example…
Remember they are testing you, seeing if you’ll tolerate the mistreatment needed to help them feel superior.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 15 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.
He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD. Available at: goo.gl/LQEgy1
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Silver Award Winner):: goo.gl/sZYhym
The Clinician’s Guide to Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders: goo.gl/ZAVe9v
Dr. Fox has given numerous workshops and seminars on ethics and personality disorders, personality disorders and crime, treatment solutions for treating clients along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum, emotional intelligence, managing mental health within the prison system, and others. Dr. Fox maintains a website of various treatment interventions focused on working with and attenuating the symptomatology related to individuals along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum (www.drdfox.com).
RUclips: / drdanielfox
Dr. Fox’s website: www.drdfox.com/
Facebook: / appliedpsychservices
Twitter: / drdanieljfox1
LinkedIn: / drdfox
Instagram: / drdfox
Amazon Author’s Page: amazon.com/author/drfox
Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy my videos and find them helpful and subscribe. I always welcome topic suggestions and comments.
Beware of anyone who invades your life to quickly. 2-3 weeks of dating and they're talking marriage or wanting to move in with you.
BOOM! Exactamundo
Even something as simple as wanting to hang out the majority of the time. It might be flattering having someone so into you that they want to spend 4/7 days at your place, it isn't normal however. May not be narc but there's something else going on.
Yes.....my ex kept badgering me to get married even though we were both too young. I held off as long as I could, but the only reason I finally gave in was my situation at home was getting unbearable with my mother and sister constantly picking on me. So I went from the frying pan into the fire. Now, divorced 10 years, no one can rush me into anything again.
Speaking of... Will you mar....
kais2345 what else could be going on?
Things I notice about narcissistic people:
-Enjoy laughing at other's misfortune.
-Make jokes at other people's expense.
-Intentionally create and enjoy drama, chaos, and confusion.
-Turn the conversation back to themselves constantly.
-Don't listen to what others are saying.
-Forgetful about things others express.
-See conversations as a competition.
-Let you know how wonderful they are in regards to status of some kind (intellectually, financially, technologically, popularity, academically, relationally, etc.)
-Pushy.
-Rigid boundaries.
-Don't like to be confronted.
-Blame others for their behavior, especially when confronted.
-Needy as they seem to always need something from you like time, money, attention, agreement, rescheduling, and whatever special considerations they can think of.
-I notice feeling bad about myself after spending time with them and can't always recognize their specific behavior that put me down, but have learned to trust my gut that something is off about them.
Recently I organized a birthday party for my son. My wife stole the show, talking about herself, all the courses she took part in. Look at my jewelery, I made it myself.
The fact that I studied japanese, not important. But the fact that she is studying chinesse, that's super impressive!
Downplaying my part in raising our kids. Everything she does, like doing the dishes, matters a lot. And everyting I do, matters little.
Ever since I "discovered" narcissism, my wife's behaviour fits nicely.
And yes, she smiles seeing someones misfortune. I have an argument with my son, and she is just standing there, not taking sides, grining.
She says something untrue, I explode, and a smile appears on her face.
I have seen it before: when my parents were fighting, and my mom would be brought to the boiling point, my dad would smile, as if to congratulate himself, on a job well done.
Just before she died, my mom said to me, "he ruined my life".
And I ended up in a relationship just like that of my parents...
True! I have a narcissistic neighbour who constantly interrupts and takes over conversation, to keep attention on her.
@@marciloni12 Have you ever considered that she might be deaf (or hard at hearing)?
My father is that way, interrupting me constantly. And I'm not a child, I'm 50. I believe I have worthwhile things to say... But that doesn't matter. As soon as I open my mouth, he starts talking. I stop, to let him finish, as he is older. And than, when it's my turn to talk, he talks again. I can't get a word in!
But he has hearing loss in one ear, and is completely deaf in the other. Sometimes the only way to communicate with him, is to stand in front of him, so that he may lip read what I'm saying.
Lip reading isn't precise, or maybe he isn't any good at it. Often he 'hears' something compleately different to the message I tried to convey. Like: I told him I have a tooth ake. His advice: "buy a new pair of boots". Why? Because he heard that my foot hurts.
He will not admit to strangers, that he cannot hear. He guesses what people are most likely to say, and responds to what he thinks they said. And often he gets away with it!
The more he talks, the less the other person can say. And the chance of him not hearing, and replying incorrectly diminishes. His strategy is pretty good...
Or, he is a narcissist...
Or both.
You just described my brother!
Brilliant list!
Wow I met someone new and we were getting closer and becoming friends then they started to blatantly body shaming me even though I am very athletic and pretty confident in my looks. Then when I was mad and kind of stood up to myself they were offended.we haven't talked since and I am happy for that.
Wow. This happened to me too. I was getting closer to a guy but he started undermining my intelligence, like telling me
"If I intend on doing something" doesn't mean "to be willing" or rather, "Planned on doing ", or "aim for with purpose", like I think it does.
Also, he said he has never heard of the word "Inorganic" and that I made that word up.
😂😂
Man. Lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣👆🏾
Now, I know for certain that I was correct because I use to study the dictionary and thesaurus ALOT as an child and teenager. I read alot of books 📚 when I was younger.
I just stopped due to prolonged abuse in relationships.
I learned alot through that guy.
Like how I have attachment issues and how it shouldn't be difficult for me to cut people off who disrespect me.
I'm glad you got out of it quick, fast and in an hurry.
🥂 Here's to growth for us and those like us.
@@nicoleraheem1195 🥂🥂
You couldn't be enlisted! That's good...
wow
Good for you. Keep doing that everytime.
beware of people who are your best friend within hours meeting you.
True yeah ight
No some people are naturally friendly and not trying to harm you just have to watch the behavior of the person
the Narcissist is like a recruiter, looking for that one sucker who will allow abuse to be planted on them.
Hannah I had to kick a lot of leeches out of my life all at once. No regrets at all about those relationships. But my ongoing suspicious outlook is wearing for me :( I struggle to trust anyone these days
Simple and correct
100 percent agree!!! When like what, 1 in 4 or 3 people have some ducked, demented way of dealing with life, whether it's socio, psycho, or narc, some empty hollow pathetic loser is trying to latch onto a functional person... lame. Just fucking lame.... people are all rats on a sinking ship..... don't be a 'raft' for these pukes.... fuckem all.
@GGator Country
Good analogy
Don't call people suckers because they fall for manipulation and lies, none is immune to it
The idea of narcissists "enlistment" is interesting, some call it the "shit test", a way to assess how low your boundaries and self esteem are and therefore if you would make a good supply.
The narc channel begood4000 calls it the "DooDoo test"!
Right, the term underlies that they are hiring an audience/ emotional punching bags, not looking for normal human connection. They are not looking for equal partnerships, but people to take it out on (slave like) and be admired by (narc fan club).
@velveteyes79 haha they would get zero supply!
@@alethiamillner5603 lol
Fake low self esteem to spot them 😉
Outside of basic reading, writing and Math skills, this was the most important thing I’ve ever learned.
yes! my friend was a victim and she keeps saying it should be a class in school. narcissists are everywhere and in most everybody's life in some way. they tend to prey on the really nice types. they use, manipulate, drain, destroy.........many do that unconsciously. its just want they are.
Yep
@@infowazz 100% agree! It should be taught in schools because it would save a lot of us from future trauma.
📠
😂🤣Amazing comment. Seriously amazing.
One of their buzz words: “disrespect”
Hyg44 Gu yep and you didn’t even disrespect them you just didn’t do what they wanted.
Page 342 of the NARCISSIST HANDBOOK:
To express your own needs, wants, or desires, is "disrespectful".
Of course, the topic cannot be discussed, and will result in adamant denial if you insist on it.
But, just so you know on a subconscious level .. my needs come first; and yours do not matter.
Thank you for your cooperation.
It is if you're not in a relationship with the person and they've expressed a lack of interest in meeting your needs but you keep expressing them.
A good buzz phrase is also "I hate drama!" I learned those who hate drama the most are usually the ones causing it.
Or if youre saying theyre doing something you dont like its "abuse"
When you interact with a non-narcissist, the atmosphere is relaxed "I am me, you are you, I behave more or less appropriately to what our relation permits, and if I don't by mistake, I can figure it out and apologize" - no comments that are transgressive or demeaning. With a narcissist, there is some kind of desperation - they enter any interaction immediately WANTING something from you - admiration, validation, and, most importantly, some kind of bow down. Even if it is slight - they have to somehow subtly suggest they know better/are wiser and you have to submit to that. Afterwards, you feel put down and like something was over the line, and like you have no place to be heard as you. I ask myself "Does that person WANT something or do they approach me in an open way and letting me be me?"
Very insightful, Thank you for sharing.
thats a very helpful advise thank you
I agree. My husband makes me wait for everything, hes never in a rush to do things, but will make sure I'm ready and waiting.
Yes, look at D.T. He’s a prime example.
@@hyg44gu54 DT?
Narcissism is a personality trait that is present in varying degrees in everyone. While self-love is healthy form of appreciating oneself and having a positive outlook to oneself, narcissism is having a hollow self-esteem to an extent that one is constantly looking for admiration from others. There is no harm in seeking attention and admiration from people. We are all social animals with a somewhat competitive streak which seeks possession of money, power and social status. Narcissism is considered a dark trait in the order of psychopathy and for a good reason. Narcissists (people with pathological narcissism who “if” diagnosed would be labelled as narcissistic personality disordered individuals) often exploit people for the pursuit of unwavering attention, admiration and affection. They lack real empathy. They cannot connect with people’s emotions effectively. They do not see people as human beings with feelings and separate identity. Narcissists cannot love. At least not like neurotypicals do. If they like someone, they will pursue that person by love-bombing. Once the chase phase is over, it all rapidly goes downhill. Then starts the devaluing process. They suddenly find only faults in you. You are not well-read enough, not sophisticated enough, not charming enough. Why? Because you have accepted them enough to love them unconditionally. And in a narcissist’s mind, they don’t deserve unconditional love. Anyone who loves them isn’t worth their time. This goes back to how they were treated by their parents. Loved but conditionally; when they scored good marks, when they learned to not cry about things. They were basically (unconsciously) trained to not attend to feelings. That is not to say that they don’t feel, they very much do but they are unable to process their own feelings. Do you feel this way? Do you feel hollow and blank when it comes to feelings towards another person? Do you sometimes get confused about your rapidly fluctuating feelings? These are hard questions. It is hard to understand, let aside accept such pathological hard-wired thought process. But there is a reason one must self-reflect as often as possible. We are unconsciously hurting people when we much rather won’t. Being a narcissist can be extremely lonely and tiresome. Imagine having to wear a mask of feigned perfection 24x7 while continually berating oneself about every possible imperfection and others’ successes. The answer will give you the answer to your sub-question. TO CATCH NARCISSIST RED HANDED HIRE Metaspyhub@gmail. com. THEY ARE SO SWIFT ACCURATE AND RELIABLE
This is critical information for every single person to know to protect themselves from potential abuse, and it needs to be taught in public schools, perhaps starting in middle school and throughout high school. I don’t understand why crucial knowledge like recognizing and dealing with toxic people, mindfulness, and other mental health/life skills are withheld from us. Thank you for spreading this information!!
Leah
Even teachers are narcissists.
My mom (aunt who raised me) wouldn't teach me, because it would've exposed her, and the rest of the family....
I watched a horrible video from a guy giving advice to other guys on how to pick up chicks. He would use the negging-and tell the men he was coaching to do this as some women fell for it. I would have probably fallen for this - thank you !!!! My mother used to do it all the time.
Agree 100%. Manipulation/abuse detection classes should be required learning. Lots of people wouldn't be happy about, only because they're the ones who's be called out!
@@gmoney6595 Some of this is taught but not much. The reason I think is because society in general still has a problem with mental/emotional health and don't think it's that important. Plus unless you've had a narcissist in your life you just don't get it. It took me 12 years after I left mine before I figured out what I was dealing with and pretty much by accident. I know how important this information is and agree should be taught in schools as a necessary life skill.
This was excellent. I find the key is to stay in my body (not in my head) where I will register the “offness” of a left handed compliment or other subtle put down. Our heads will make an excuse for them but our bodies never lie. Our gut knows the truth. My body now has a narc detector just under my stomach. I began feeling it once I began loving myself enough.
I experienced a weird gut feeling recently around a person. He was draining and kept interrupting me.
It felt like my stomach was sunk?
Idk what it was but what you said that after you learnt to love yourself you have this radar... im literally in this phase.
Be well :)
Ohhh I love this! I think it's true, pay attention to your gut/heart feelings!!
Agreed!
Oh yes...the gut reaction. I developed it once I woke up from the fog.
Well said, Karen!
Sound advice.
Most coverts seems to be really good listeners. They collect data.
They pretend to be empaths...but if you're empathic you can see it's a mask.
It's all intell to them. don't give too much away early on.
Right from the beginning
Correct.
😆 true.
LOVE BOMBING- saying things that make you feel special and unique- be careful!!
Mine said immediately- “guys don’t know what to do with someone like you do they?” Looking back this was not a compliment- it was setting me up to set a bond to feel he did get me!! And he blindsided with attention and love the next year- until we were married and then it ALL CHANGED!!
its so sad that after marriage the veil comes down. i know many (most women) who are victims. the guy suddenly becomes mean and controlling. the one guy was stealing money from their business. saying stuff to their son about her. she was getting really depressed. the good news is that she is now dating a guy she knew back in college. so she is no longer vulnerable to that psycho. so happy she met a nice guy :)
Yeah mine told me he believed in God and pushed me to become a Christian and to be honest I am grateful that I found God, for he gave me strength through it all.
But after we were married, he suddenly declared that he didn't believe in God anymore but wouldn't tell me when or why (and that's a big thing to announce and then have no explanation for). Then he made sure that I understood that since I was a Christian, I had to obey my God's laws but becoz he didn't anymore, he didn't have to and he was very explicit about it. I had to remain a loving, devoted faithful, dutiful, unfailing wife coz my God told me to and I would be afraid to break his rules, but he didn't have to hold up his end and that's okay coz he's exempt... and don't forget entitled... typical...
@Adrienna Yeah, i later read that it's a common strategy and trap in christian marriages where narcs are involved. Some will push u to keep up ur church attendances coz it re-inforces ur focus on God and his conditions of no divorce etc. They know what they're doing coz they know the rules, they've learned them well.
A marriage is supposed to be a union held in place with a construct of rules dictated by the RESPECT and LOVE you have for each other, and they are supposed to be the primary driving forces of the union.
But narcs don't care about or even understand the spirit of the love and respect, and without those it just becomes a mere construct of rules... a CAGE for their prey, baited with love-bombing, and that's EXACTLY what they set up right from the very, start...
They KNOW what they're doing which is what makes the whole thing SO EVIL...
@@leighatkins22 Same. So sorry you had to go through this too.
Mine was post marriage, I look back the signs were minor before marriage, you'd have to be clued up
Holy CRAP, this guys right! I thought back to when I met the narc and yes, he did diss me within 5 minutes and I just took it bc that's how I was back then. Try me NOW, buster!
Exact same with mine. Had constant fights when we first got married because of him doing that.
@@pocahontas4583 so wait a minute, you fought back and it still continued?
@Mary Carroll same here, am in therapy now realising this. we are rising, girl!
@Mary Carroll Yeah I say the same thing; I'm no underdog anymore. I believe they come to teach us this to make us grow bc damn I sure grew. :D
Hope you don't run into OJ Simpson!
That's basically 90% the dating scene. The first or one of the first things they do is try to establish a vertical connection by some "small critique" or "joke" or "innocent comparison" where they are in the upper position.
We need more videos like this.
Yes, 'they' try to establish a vertical connection with you where the "game plan" they have in mind is to connect with you horizontally!
@@aryansigrid More like some good ole mattress dancing. 🛏️
@Taylor Sky, I observe the same as you, unfortunately. This is why I'm MGTOW. I notice that I can either hit on her with seduction tactics, which makes me feel awful, or be direct and kind, in which case I consistently end up in the friend-zone.
@@Nick_Taylor. mgtow for life, bro'.
@@Nick_Taylor. And these "experts" still claim that "70 or 80% of narcs, are male?" (Like HELL... they are...) Perhaps in the so- called "developing," world?! (I''m in my mid- fifties, and grew- up around narcs... and 70- 80% of them are/ were, FEMALE. The third leg of "entitlement" narcissism mostly reared it's ugly head "collectively" since the 1960s in the Western plus world... and mainly, BY DESIGN. "Harlots, of Babylon." Femi- schism, running amuck.) Today it's devolving exponentially moreover because of Social Media, than just TV, music, entertainment, public edu, academia, et al. (Again, by design!) Truth be known, at most HALF of Cluster Bers, are MALE. I reside in N. California, so wouldn't buy that for a second, here...however "70%- 80% of G hay men?" Ya think?! ;-)
@ 13:30 This is soooo important! Pay attention to how you feel after interacting with them. It’s never pleasant.
I feel litteraly sick..just like that
DreamComeTRue I agree completely with this statement. You don’t feel safe around them, your afraid to upset them, walking on eggshells. You feel anxiety over the relationship, you feel unhappy.
Sonia Garcia ~ Facts💯💯💯
For many years my brothers insulted me every day about silly things. Everything I did was stupid or bad so I learned that no one will like me. I didn't necessarily believe them but it hurt all the time to not be accepted by them. So over a lifetime, I was brainwashed to believe no one would like me. It wasn't until after I got out of that environment at 18 that I began to realize the things they said and did was not normal. Even though I knew it wasn't true what they did I still had doubts often that people like me, even when they did nothing to indicate that. This is what the devil wanted to happen. Even after my brothers were no longer in my life I thought everyone thought like them. It was only until much later in my life my eyes were opened and I realized their tactics were to make me feel insecure. I still have rare occassions of insecurity with people but it passes quickly when I rationally think things through. I have wonderful friends now and have no doubt about their love for me. My brothers have not changed and they are in their 70's, I expect no further contact with them for the rest of my life.
I'm so glad to hear how you healed and have the good relationships you deserve, AND that you cut of your brothers for good! They do not change. So often when we grow up with narcs in our family, we repeat the abusive relationships with other people. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
I had parents like this from my early childhood on. My foster father used physical brutality to correct me, if his sons were hurt in any way. or wet their pants when they were toddlers. He often said I was " So Stupid." My awful mother told me the same thing. I would get slaps in the face for no reason, just passing by from my mother. They were extremely dysfunctional TOXIC BEASTS, but animals treat a percon much better with love and kindness. I developed Low Self- Esteem as a growing woman. They both came from alcoholic family backgrounds! Iam thankful to have survived the physical abuse that in all reality was felonious assault and battery against a child. His younger brother had an evil nature! He would punch my young cousin, a child in the face for no reason when my so called uncle took we kids in the car for a ride. I was scared, and we kids all cringed in fear we would get it too. This man received Karma payday. He died in the hospital of liver cancer still quite young! My foster father had been a first sargeant in the military. He never showed me no love! He had a love affair with his guitar, and would play at bars and weddings being lead singer crooning away!! A true Narc!! Lol!! My mom was a witch,and dominated us all even my foster dad. She was insistant, determined, a lot like crazy Hitler!! I still struggle, and have a learning disability. I possibly could have been at the top of my class at graduation if I hadn't been raised in that severely dysfunctional environment with 2 Narcs to contend with during my childhood! Oh, yeah, I could expound on that mean old nun also, in Catechism Class every Saturday morning that played with,twisted,and manipulated our young minds!!! Honor your mother and father the 10 Commandments say. But, they did a dishonor to me mistreating me, and making me their servant!!! 💥💥💥💥😤😖😔😱😢🤕
@@yolandagonzalez2960 What a nightmare... I'm so sorry you endured this. After all that insane abuse, you had to listen to more insanity brainwashing from a nun who knew nothing about your situation, beating the tired old "honor your father and mother" commandment into your poor traumatized head. Those people who were supposed to be your parents were anything but, and don't deserve your honor. Jesus also said, leave your father and mother if you want to follow me... Psalms 27:10 says, "When my father and my mother forsake me, the Lord will take me up.". I believe those who are abused and betrayed by parents have a special mission.. to go within, find love for yourself and for a Higher power, not the one from church, but the One that is Within. We are part of the All, not its servant. We are not here to be slaves to our parents, the church, or anyone else. I'm struggling with the same issue. My most heartfelt wishes for you to find the healing and love you so deserve, sweet soul!
Lisa Williams, Thank you so much! Your reply was really a God Send. I was feeling quite guilty over feeling I was bad mouthing these 2 dysfunctional pathetic excuse for a parent. I still feel that if I let loose and reveal my real feelings over what happened God will throw me in hellfire after I die. I repressed all those memories of the abuse. I forgot it for years! And then one day an incident just came like BANG!!! the memory of a specific assault. I would cry and cry. I had counseling for a few years. I still have a feeling of low self-worth, and self esteem. Everytime I would visit my mother would start to really project her opinon of me. I was a single parent for years raising my children on my own. But Giod did help, and I joined a Christian Community in Michigan. A Charismatic Christian group. In the early 70s. They were the kindest persons I ever met in my whole life. I felt a sense of belonging with my friends. They were so comforting, supportive, and in that time period, I felt love, sincerity, and support. I had 2 good friends that were loving, and kind mentors for me. That prayer group fell apart because the leaders squabbled over differences in religious doctrines. So, they split apart. They weren't very successful at this point and the whole thing just fell apart and fizzled out to nothingness. God couldn't bless this anymore. Unlike the Word of God Community on U of M Campus, those were amazing and such gentle,and peaceful Christians coming together from all walks of life. Students, teachers, married couples, singles, and students were all one in the Spirit, and Fellowship with The Lord. The Flower hippie generation. Caring and loving one another. The prayer meetings were ion Thursday nights usually at some high school gymnasium. People from all over the Nation and the World were drawn to these meetings, and visiting and joining in the love, fellowship, and all the AMAZiNG MIRACLES GOD PERFORMED THAT PAST WEEK OR TIME FRAME. Even Maria Von Trapp from the reall Sound of Music would be drawn to these prayer meetings, and cosmopolitan Ann Arbor, Michigan. They even had an old brick historic home they made in to a guest house eventually because so many people were drawn by God, and Amazing Ann Arbor. I stayed at the guest house myself, a young mixed up,messed up 20 year-old. God brought me there by His Kind and loving Hand because one of my Christian women friends had connections, so they set me up there for a couple weeks until I found a permanent living situation. God never allowed me to be homeless in His loving and tender mercies. I met Maria Von Trapps daughters while I was there. There were 3, and they were sitting on the couch sharing with me. It was a once in a lifetime experience. God so good, and just like you said,,, "If my Father and Mother forsake me; The Lord will take me up. AMEN!!! 🐑🐑🐑🐑🐑🐿🐇🐥🐦🦋🐌🐞🐜🌸💮🏵🌹🥀🌿🥀🌿🥀🌿🥀🌿⚘🌿⚘🌿⚘🌿⚘☘🌻🌼🌷⚘🌱🌲🌾☘🍀🍁🍂🍃
@@yolandagonzalez2960 i'm SO sorry You endured so much shit ! 😔😔😔 I'm rally really sorry. No fair. I wish You the Best from the bottom of My heart. You are lovely and deserve the Best ❤️💐😘🌻
I clocked one last night within 10 minutes of the conversation. I'm getting good at this. LOL
The fact is, that although they have a disorder, unlike other disorders, the chance they will seek help is almost zero, the chance they truly care about you (or anyone) is zero, and most importantly, if it's your family, the torment and trauma will eventually lead to suicide or worse...putting your own head in the sand, which is worse than death in my case.
What you are describing is them being Ego Syntonic vs Ego Dystonic, david r.
Narcisssist's, fake a lot of tender feelings for people and animals, and bad situations... but they are very deceiving! They feel nothing.. they only feel about themselves! If they can't use you or control you, then they don't want you around.
Sadly this is true. Children suffer the most from narcissism. Its really heartbreaking 😭😭😭😭😰😰
Was “ghosted” this past Halloween. I had never ever been around a narc before and started researching on RUclips. Could not believe all the information out there. Once I read up on what these individuals are all about - things finally made sense after dating this person for almost 3 years!!! He kept everything very well hidden. They are masters of deceit..
Ghosted on Halloween.
Double scary.
They don't have any close personal relationships. Everything is shallow window dressing.
@You can't leave this empty i helped a girl get away from a narc. she got a crush on me and dumped him. then realized how messed up things were. i never dated her and told her how i felt but we are friends. the guy is a psycho. prior to the break up he baited her into scratching his face. then he called the cops and got her charged with battery. he texted me saying she's crazy and flipped out and attacked him. he tricked her into doing it.
one ex wife died of cancer and his brother in law or brother killed himself. i think this guy might have killed someone. he is really nuts. addicted to law and order.....i texted with him during the transition and he was unraveling as his energy source was dumping him. it felt like i was saving her really. he was threatening to punch me in the face, blah blah. i was like "how do you know that i'm not into MMA?" talking like that he backed down a little bit but he was playing so many games saying stuff about her. one minute he loves her, next minute he says "you can have that bitch", then back to how much he cares for her, back and forth.
he even gave me his address if i wanted to talk about it in person. i knew he was baiting me into getting arrested. he wanted me to come over so bad. one time she went there (she isn't very bright) and got drunk and he wanted me to pick her up. i was like "dude i'm not dating her and i don't care if she is with you. you guys figure it out."
i live a drama free life and do not get near this Jerry Springer bullshit. luckily i wasn't interested or in love with the girl. it could have gotten crazy. she is way too needy and has her own mental issues (i gues we all do to some extent). she needs a cook, bread winner, someone with a car, house cleaner, all that. i'm just glad she got away from him and she is very thankful for that. she didn't know how bad it was until she left him and can now reflect. when you are in it you don't see the bigger picture.
@Purpleoceangnome only she would know. narcs have no problem dropping supposed friends at any point.
@@marshalllhiepler My narc was born on Halloween.
Incredible! This is exactly what my ex did. In fact, our first conversation started with him saying: you have beautiful nails...but they make your hands look bony. Like wtf!? Why did I continue with that conversation?
Ya so many times I look back and ask similar questions. An ex of mine said "you know...at first I thought you're butt was too big, but now I like it". Nevermind that my butt was one of the only things I ever felt confident about and got compliments about! 😂 I still felt shame and like I had to stick with him. Ay chihuahua.
@@jamlaw That was the whole point: for you to feel lucky to have him. The truth is he new he didn't deserve you and had to put you down so you might think otherwise and it worked.
Because when you saw the size of his hands and feet you said, "Daddy's in da 🏠!🌭🍑💋
When they make a belittling or awkward comment and you express that you don't appreciate/like the comment, they resort to "I was only joking". Now if you say it did not sound like a joke and you still don't like it even as a joke, then they will complain about your "poor sense of humor" as "you don't get the joke".
The One Step Way to Spot a Narcissist:
Empath: "What would you list as your biggest flaws?"
Narcissist ... (dead silence).
That or mockingly repeating the question: "Oh, My biggest flaws..." *smirk*
@@a6w5a6lonia43,
Yeah.
Basically, their response is to do Anything, but to draw attention to their flaws.
Their biggest fear, is that others would see their flaws, so they attempt to hide them with their "presentation" to others.
Oddly enough, once you see who they really are, their flaws are monumental and cannot be overlooked.
perfect! my workplace was full of them or at least self centered people. it become unbearable at the end. not painful, i just felt bad for them but not in a way that drained me.
one girl would only talk about herself. she thought that is conversation. it always came back to her life. a couple guys would say negative things but in a joking way, trying to test you or whatever. i saw through all that stuff right away. i am a strong empath and can see social dynamics pretty easily. my dad is really self centered but maybe not a narcissist. he is too much of a loner.
Or they will say..."I dont know I mean what kinda question is that...I mean I dont know what you want me to say...whhhaaaaattt??? I dont know....you know whatever...silent treatment...then you need to run..start too feel like you are talking to a big 3rd grader
My biggest flaw, oh that's easy I'm too perfect....and modest, that too. People say that about me all the time that I'm too modest, especially when I'm talking about myself, they get me.
Dude... That third woman and the way she responded is EXACTLY how I would have responded and how I have in the past. Like nail on the fricken head. Ty for the video. They are always informative and enjoyable. Have a good day. 🤓
Zamora Blake likewise I would respond like the three lady , before I found out about Narcissism
Dude? C'mon. Be better.
@@4Mikes4Mindset4 what?
Same here!
Zamora Blake True, but I still don't know a good way to respond to such belittlements other than accepting it or something. I'm afraid I'd hurt their feelings if I say, "What? Beat it! I don't want to talk to you anymore cuz you said a small negative about me".
How should we respond to avoid being enlisted? We don't want to sound nasty either? Is this the only way? What do you think?
The bar scenario is basically the method that all of the Pick Up Artist courses teach you to do, by teaching you rapid fire trauma bonding by complimenting and then insulting the female. If you do this to enough women, it ends up being just a numbers game.
Great video.
ocpd23 omg! I’ve been saying this for years! Yes! So corrupt. Thank you 🙏🏼
Yes, theres a term for that. It's called "negging".
Omg I feel sick...
Thanks, it is called negging. I didn't know it had a name
Those guys are machiavellian, not necessarily NPD themselves. Narcissists don't need it.
If you have dated one or married one you’ll know another one ASAP and you’ll find they are legion
you are so right!!! after being involved with these unknown (covert) people called Narcs, you now realize how deceptive the Narc can be!
yet only those who have been with one will understand your comment!
Legion- many!
So hilariously true!!!!
“You’ll find they are legion...” Comedy gold still laughing to myself
"I am legion, for WE are many." Crazy true how these narcs are the same "person" in different bodies.
I am a therapist with many of my clients being devasted because they are in Narcissistic relationships…so mainstream now. Thank you for education individuals who know nothing about this painful roller coaster!
I've never heard of this term enlistment in relation to narcs - really enlightening . It helps me see how I've been used as a scapegoat by them my entire life . I've been conditioned to tolerate their behaviour by my CNarc. mother and ONarc father . I knew by age 7 that things weren't 'normal' in our family by what the way other kids spoke about their parents and what the teachers were saying our parents should be doing for us . Of course I went on to marry an ONarc - it took me years to realize this . The constant lying , undermining and scapegoating he did for years as he made me feel that any transgression by him was caused by me in some way . MY lack of a STRONG response has been what keep these nasty people around . I knew that I was doing something to make them think that I was going to tolerate them but I really didn't know what . I can pretty much smell a Narc when they enter a room now but I do need to adopt a 'you are dismissed' attitude towards them .
Barbara Christie I hadn’t heard it before either, and I’ve known about narcs and psychopaths for a while now. Great information.
Thanks for sharing. I'm glad to know that it is not uncommon for people to be duped by narcissists for years (the way I was) without even realizing it. This is why it is crucial to get educated and informed about this.
@@williamcastilla1963 Coverts are especially slippery and can be hard to discern. It helped me to learn about ''. Psychopath researcher Dr. Robert Hare (UBC; Canada) writes that the conscience-less can "know the words", but not the music. The fakery is only sustainable for so long, with these kinds of folks.
good for you. i'm in the same boat as you with the parents..disgusting and it gets worse with age. i'm really getting it now that i've been abused as an adult in personal relationships and know what this is and where it comes from. i recall at a very early age not being able to be myself in front of my own mother..as a kid. those memories stick for a reason and it was the lack of bonding. really sad for those of us who were born into this. at least now we can recognize it...also my mother seems to encourage separation between my brother and i and she talks about me with him yet she doesn't do that to him - to me....scapegoat here. the only thing i know at the end of it is they will be judged though none of us empaths want our own parents to be judged and possibly punished in afterlife for all of this. sad for all involved.
@@echase4790 Yeah they know that the relationship won't last long so it's almost like they know they have to get their punches in before you see what's really going on and start hitting back... and a lot of them have a long history of relationships that have come and gone....
Feels like walking on eggshells. They will park you in their garge and play with you from time to time for food. No contact only way loose from the narc.
That sounds like a weekend visit to Wonderland Ranch, Michael.
What you described sounds like the PUA's method called Negging. Its basically backhanded "compliments" that destabilize you.
What does PUA mean?
Thanks
@@bernicewade9796 PUA means pickup artist. This term is often used within the MGTOW cult.
@@bernicewade9796 Its Pick Up Artist. Alot of Red PIlled guys still use this method. They are bunch of dating con-men. Alot of their techniques to get with women are basically verbal abuse and dehumanization. I do suspect that women who ended up attracted to them are those who are extremely naive (very very young) or those who may possibly have deep emotional issues themselves.
@@SJ-ej3vj
Thank you for your reply.
@@religiohominilupus5259
Thank you for your reply too.
I wish that it was always this cut and dry to spot them. Sometimes at 1st they are super nice and love bomb you. Only later do they show their traits
That was exactly what happened to me he loved bombed me for a couple of months then it slowly and subtly started to turn into belittling n degrading.
Love bombing very early in the beginning IS one of their traits, if they find it necessary in order to capture you fast and tightly. If your self esteem is already obvious to them somehow, to be very low, they may not find that phase necessary, so will skip that step and go directly to the next step. My guess..
@@cassiopeiathetortoise115 Hi. Yes, I think the time period of idealization (leading to devaluation) reflects their read on your self esteem. The lower your self esteem the more quickly they move on with things.
This info is gold. The charm of the narcissist can blind people for years, you are saving people so much time with this insight, thank you. It is so important to ask yourself: How does this person make me FEEL ? If they are narcissistic, I guarantee you walk away from interactions with them feeling like crap. LOVE YOURSELF enough to keep some distance from them . There are plenty of lovely people out there that will see your worth and treat you accordingly, and won't have a list of requirements they need from you, in order for you to be accepted.
Thank you
They blame everything on you, and then when you close yourself off from their toxic ways, they CANNOT STAND IT. They’ll put you down, and then apologize like 30 minutes later. This is a continuing behavior and it will keep going. My ex actually tried to use his daughter to make me feel bad for not wanting to put up with his narcissism. What’s sad is, you will end up taking them back over and over, because they are great manipulators. 😔 I am over it completely. I refuse to let myself go back to that. ❤️❤️❤️
I was married to a narcissist for 18 years. I didn’t know it then, of course, but realized during the divorce. Pretty much everything you said was spot on. He is the type that makes you want to please him. He is very charming. He always has to have bigger and better _______. His image is EVERYTHING. If you challenge him, or start seeing through the “gas lighting”, he just turns it on you more. Everything is YOUR fault. YOU are wrong. How could YOU ever think that HE would ________? And when you say there is something wrong with the way he is thinking/acting, he’ll call YOU crazy. You DESERVED the bruises for not making him happy. You could present undeniable evidence that you caught him cheating, as I did, and he’ll try to convince you that it was not him. He’ll have you questioning your own sanity.
I am glad to be away from him. He put my four daughters and I through so much, and still a couple of them feel the need to prove they are worthy of his “love”. It is hard to re-program yourself to not believe what a narcissist has convinced you you are.
I hope you’re well. I understand. I have 3 daughters myself.
Same
4 kids with a man and you ain’t realized he was a narcissist??
@@Wokstarkilo In the beginning, all was fine. It was actually great. Over time, looking back, I can clearly see it. It didn’t take long, really, before things changed. Systemically tied in knots. Changed into someone that only wanted to keep the peace - at the very least. I wanted to see the best in him. People change and evolve, but not usually in the manner that he did. I loved him. But it was always ever only about him. Everything was. No one else’s opinions or desires seemed to matter. Yet, everyone’s opinion OF him mattered to him. God forbid anyone knew the things he did. His reputation was a big deal to him. (I don’t need to go into details.) There was always the hope to go back to how it was in the beginning. (Before being disregarded, replaced, and eventually discarded.) That hope of having a healthy relationship again is what I held on to and attempted to do. I began to realize he had very strong narcissistic traits about 4 years before we divorced. I saw the gaslighting, abuse, and everything else, for what it was.
You don’t have to believe me. You can think I am a fool. I sure felt like a fool.
@@CheshyLARK I hope the best for ya sorry to hear. I asked that because people get into relationships and don’t pay attention to the little red flags and don’t get out until it’s too late kids,money,house involved. Because they don’t ask the serious questions
Now that you've described enlistment, I can see individuals who did this early on, or even up front. It's a really good barometer. Thank you
Oh my word you just described my step father. In 3 years he drove my mother, as well as 12 year old me, to suicidal intentions.
Jennifer Starlight that was my ex. I swear he was strategically trying to get me to commit suicide.
I’m so glad you survived that demon!! Hopefully he is completely out of your life now! 🤗
@@christinsongbird It is deeply, deeply sick and twisted.
Speaking as the adult child of two narcissistic MDs (a surgeon and a psychiatrist) and the sibling of a narcissistic med student, the Dr. with NPD example is spot on. This is exactly how they and most of their friends behave. So accurate I had to laugh (an excellent coping strategy in my experience). 😂
Ust be the same drs worked for.enough was enough was enough and more than enough.
what a HELL!! i have long prayed that I would NEVER end up under the care of a narc physician, especially a psychiatrist! If you get involuntarily committed by them, or on their watch, good luck ever seeing the light of day again! if you get a narc surgeon or general practitioner, you won't get listened to, even if you know what you're talking about, and you best pray like crazy before they do a surgery on you, because there's a chance they might mess it up and they'd never admit it! They'd blame it on someone else attending the surgery.
I don’t agree there’s anything called healthy narcissism. There’s nothing healthy about a narcissist. Healthy confidence is what a good doctor would have.
Also, look into their eyes. It’s empty.
They don’t have a soul.
Exactly!!!!
that 's usually a sociopath.
@RUclips Veterinarian Thank you! Same thing with Sociopaths. These things don't inherently make you a monster.
Andrea Stofa
Like trump
Alot of trauma survivors have empty eyes too. Dont judge.
I have found, sometimes the 'Enlistment ' doesn't happen until the second or third date...then it seems more like honesty.
Or as soon as you start dating, after the friendship era.
Sometimes it happens right away. It's hard, but we have to listen to our intuition.
For me it was after we were engaged
@@Jezebel066 They probably did it early on but you didn't notice it, something very subtle.
If I recall my memory to the early beginning there were signs i wouldnt take as bad at all but now that I think of it had a sour taste
@@Sarablueunicorn I rem him saying “if you delete all your social media’s I’ll marry you tom” I told him no. He brought it up for years that I wouldn’t delete my Facebook for him..
I told him once how he loved me so much & Nobody had ever loved me like that. He said “that’s bc you’re hard to love”
He denied ever saying it. I guess both those were testing me. & testing if he could control me. Both of them I freaked out about. Why did he stick with me??
Covert narcissist are the worst. All you said they have plus the covert way. But it cannot stay long till their mask starts melting off. They work so hard to not let you know who they really truly are. Be careful for the tidy goood looking or dressed up ones too. Always don't trust a person until you make enough time to study their actions.
Enlistment is such a helpful term! Be like the first two women and save yourself so much grief!
Thanks for including comments from others. I’ve learned so much from these people; they help me realize that these insidious behaviors are not ok and not to try to make them ok! Yes, acting invested in humanitarian concerns while they’re extremely cruel to you is destabilizing and a sign you’ve already been enlisted.
The thing is the first 2 women had self esteem and the 3rd one didn't. Narcissist pick up on low self esteem like sharks pick up on blood in the water, means there is easy prey. If a person has low self esteem they will be prey for the narc. I know I had to work on mine and now I have a chance against them.
My dad has NPD. He has not been officially diagnosed, but I am 100% sure this is the case. For 31 years I put up with his ridiculous behavior, although I'll admit it was much easier after I moved out since sharing a household with such a person is next to impossible. I don't have any fond memories of this man from my childhood, but I have plenty of memories of him not going 5 minutes out of his way to help his children out. Memories of this jackass refusing to let us outside because it's dangerous, but then grounding us for not going outside enough. Memories of this vile human being never losing an argument because if he was proven wrong, then, according to him, it never happened. Memories of him only talking fondly about me if he could tear down another sibling by comparing them to me. Oh, but wait, it gets better. I'm a better sibling than the others because I keep my bedroom door open. Yeah. I keep my door open because I knew he would bitch if it's closed. Unfortunately, my younger siblings hadn't quite figured that trick out yet, not that it mattered, because he would have found something else to bitch about anyways. Even though I've always thought he was ridiculous, he did get sole custody of me and my siblings when I was 12 since my mother is an even sadder case than him, so I always thought that I owed him at least that.
I'm 32 years old now, so what happened within the last year that has caused me to avoid contacting this dick head? Well, after 31 years of being on relatively good terms with this stupid fuck, I bought an RV and traveled back out to his part of the country with my two cats to stay on his land for a few months and relax. The first problem when I get there: I'm not allowed to run my air conditioning using his power, even though I offer to reimburse him. His reasoning? He doesn't want his bill to go up. Ok, I expected stupid shit, so plan B, run my generator during the hot parts of the day so I can keep my RV cool. After a couple days of this he starts bitching that it's not good to run the generator when it's 100 degrees out. He's not necessarily wrong, but he's kind of forcing this since he won't let me use his power. His solution? Stay inside his house during the day and bring my cats in his back room. I express my concern with my cats being a possible nuisance for him, especially since he owns seven dogs, but he insists and I eventually cave. I put separate food, water, and litter boxes in his back room to make everything as easy as possible.
A few more days go by and I take a trip out to the city to visit more family. I end up spending the night, letting my dad know what's going on. He asks me if it's okay to put the cats back in the RV in the evening, and I let him know I have the RV set up for them, so it's fine. The next morning I get back to my dad's place. My dad is outside working on something/waiting for me, and let's me know that one of my cats has been missing since the prior night. I start losing it. Slamming the hood of my car, thinking that my cat is probably dead. This sick fuck told me that my cat didn't want in the kennel, so he let him outside, saw him go under my RV, and left my RV door wide open because somehow, in this genius's mind, my cat would magically know to go inside the RV. He also tells me that my cat looked like he was waiting for me under the RV. My blood is fucking boiling. I search around his property and the town for a couple of hours, and while this sick fuck is playing it off like I'm overreacting, I come up with a desperation idea: let's use one of your pitbulls possibly track my cat's scent. I found that cat's favorite toy, let that dog sniff it, and sure as shit that dog led us to what was left of that cat's corpse, probably killed by coyotes. Even better, my dad had warned me a few days prior about only having my screen door closed because coyotes were a problem. But, apparently, when you're this guy, you don't have to take your own advice because you're just so fucking amazing the universe will bend to your will.
Seriously though, I don't get it. Last I heard, my dad thinks that my brother and I are ungrateful for all the sacrifices he made for us, and that if he had known we'd treat him like this, he'd have abandoned us. Yeah, what a great human being. I hope that if I ever have kids I treat them like garbage and expect them to treat me like I'm God /sarcasm. I need therapy at this point because this silly man has done more damage than he can possibly comprehend or know.
This whas a loooong read lol
Is he dead?
Damn I can't imagine spending my formative years like that. I'm sorry
As an autistic person (and the child of a narcissistic mother) I really lean hard on the “how does that person make me feel” test.
I’m very introverted. Maybe due to my mom’s intrusions in my life. Which means I’m extremely intolerant of any company I find less than optimal. In other words if I don’t feel fantastic about an interaction I really don’t want to see you again. Even if you’re not a narcissist. But if you ARE a narcissist, there’s almost no change in hell I’m ever seeing you again.
A place in my life is very hard to secure even for people I like, because I’m so solitary. If you make me feel bad or less than in any way shape or form you probably have no chance.
I love your videos!
As someone with BPD traits I find myself sucked into relationships with narcissists and this sort of video is really helpful.
Thank you.
Bpd and npd get hooked to each other
Man i feel you, be well
I have the same problem. Narcissists recognize my BPD traits and hone in
I have been dating one who totally got me in the confusion and broke my boundaries and mental stability. If I were to paint a portrait of one , it would be as a greedy grumpy troll
Thank You For Sharing
I Wish That I Had Of Known About
Narcissism Before Getting Way 2 Involved
I Was Belittled Humiliated This
Person Was Domineering
He Started Punishing Me With The Silent Treatment This
Went On For Yrs And Yrs.Know It’s Hard For Me Breakin
Away From This Toxic Person The Abuse Never Ends.
Demi Gaines Hope have gone no contact by now.
Lara O'neal It’s Very
Hard Going No
Contact I Struggle
I been through this too, it will get easier I promise
God Bless You
“You have a big head, your head is too large for your body” Seinfeld
"He's a bad breaker upper"
I had an ex that literally always told me I had a big head lol...maybe I actually do🤣🙌
They are just jealous that their brain is smaller.
That thing about being responsible for their feelings hits close... And nothing is ever good enough either...
Yes, enlistment is more instantly understood than boundary testing. Good stuff! The fragile or vulnerables tend to do the sob or victim story fairly quickly. I've recently gotten rid of one just by interjecting every time they tried to roll out the sob story and picking up on just about a third of their nonsense. They couldn't roll out the game plan and went on their way. They have the psychopathic stare too but you can't rely on that to spot them as some have learned to disguise it.
Oh my God...these conversation examples are like a playbook out of my life. I can't believe that I used to let people like that treat me like that! Narcissism is so incredibly insidious. It took me a long time to ever start standing up for myself, but I was trained from childhood to just accept treatment like that. I thought it was the default that someone was going to just be mean to you and you had to put up with it. My self-esteem was completely in the toilet (and I mean it's not great now, but at least I no longer put up with that kind of sh&t). I got gaslighted so much that my brain turned to mush.
I’m glad it was helpful
The best way to spot a narc is to spot it in yourself. As self realization transcends. If you don’t see it in yourself it will be hard to see it in others.
That was awesome
After 30 years of abuse
I needed that decades ago
Brilliant
This is a very useful video Dr Fox. Thank you. I now gauge any interaction I have with someone on the way I feel when talking to them. I don't mind being corrected if I believe the person criticising me is being genuinely helpful and wants the best for me. After all, being told what you want to hear is not all that great either if it means you never improve or learn or level up. But if I find that someone is making little digs, or I just feel uneasy or find I need to research their behaviour patterns because I felt lousy, belittled, inferior or they intended to make me feel that way whether they succeeded or not, that is a sign that someone is toxic. I just avoid them, at that stage and would never let them back in again. Good relationships just are. You just enjoy the interaction, don't feel paranoid or let down when you don't see each other for a while, they are respectful when you do get in touch and you don't research their behaviour later on or feel something is a bit off. It never is. That is a sign that something is right with that person. I now only engage with 'normal' nice people and forgo the rest. Whether they are narcissist by diagnosis is not important for me to know. What is important is whether the relationship is a two way street and they bring out the best in me and I want to do the best I can when I speak and interact with them. Before, I was a sitting duck for every narc going and just ended up in toxic one way relationships in the end. Now I've cut the dead wood out of my life.
A new guy I suspect of being a narc keeps calling my boundaries "challenges." Seriously. He seems oblivious to the fact that I politely ignore him.
He asks me why I'm so "negative," what I'm doing that he calls negative is calling out his red flags in the moment for what they are, using narc nomenclature. This I call boundary setting, he calls challenging.
I know exactly what you are going through. (sounds like a narc talking, i'm not) My former coworker erked me the first day i met him. The biggest thing was how his eyes darted around looking at my clothes, height, etc. I never felt comfortable around him even though he never did anything mean or acted mean at all. I went to lunch with him a bunch of times but just could not hang out after work. I always try to trust my gut. Maybe i just didn't like his personality, i dunno. Why do they want us to like them so much. Maybe the fact they try so hard is the very reason why we don't like them. Friendships should be natural and easy.
One day i took a girl out to lunch. The only time it was just me and her. It ended up being really boring. After we came back i heard laughter in her cubicle. I had a feeling he was saying stuff about me so i walked over and made it obvious i knew the situation. My suspicions were true. 10 minutes later he apologized and emailed me saying he was just jealous that she went to lunch with me and not him. So in hie eyes, he had to put me down because he was mad at her. He had to bring me down in order to feel better. I mean that is so immature. At least i got him to admit it.. He was in his early 40s. Age doesn't mean anything unfortunately. People don't always gain wisdom as the years go by. Its sad. Perfecting oneself should be one of our biggest ambitions!!!!!!
@@infowazz Yeah, they are perpetually in middle school. Every day is seventh grade recess dealing with these people. The best advice is what your mom always told you: they are just jealous, and just ignore them.
@Forgsmorg you probably are tho. A boundary is a stop sign. So, stop.
@Forgsmorg you're making the case for me. How is there a competitive anything involved in getting to know a girl you like unless you're a fucking narc d-bag on a mission?
@Forgsmorg You don't need to explain it, you're demonstrating it clearly. Another thing about narc's, honey, is a compulsion to get the last word, even on someone else's post. So you go ahead and take it, have the last word, on my post. About a d-bag narc I couldn't get rid of.
Spot a narcissist, ask for clarity then expect nothing. The one way street interaction will be everything except mutual, equal, the charm that they will bring to the table is intensity. It’s also known that some narcissist attach themselves to you, groups objects, people that they idealise to be special. For some the goal or mainly their dilemma is not to get caught and they are terrified to get called out as exiguous fake. These people will run hidden agendas.
My ex sent me a catfished photo of his " son" to show my daughter. He ran away when questoned.
I think group and social gossip can snuff out the Narcissist pretty well. The Narc is a paranoid person looking for prey, but most people are smart enough to punch them back.
I've never heard of enlistment before. I've been learning about narcissism for the past few years. You have a great way of explaining things. Thanks for the video. (My first one of yours that I've watched.. going on to my 2nd one now)
One thing I have noticed some narcissists do is use confusion to make you feel small. I have a college that keeps making remarks to the rest of the gruop and even our boss. When questioned about what he actually meant he always downplays it. And he cant stand if anyone else is ”better” than him.
This is exactly how my narcissistic abuse began :( I can’t believe I never saw it back then
Insight is powerful.
Don't beat yourself up. I didn't see it either. Non narcissistic people wouldn't know to look for this
If they're not educated in advance about it.
Love "The earlier you can detach...distance yourself". "Immediately switch the subject back to them". "How did you feel about the interaction?" Be with someone who makes you feel good. Yes, I am very interested in covert vs overt narcissism. Your explanations get to the point without you being too verbose. You just jump right on your subject. And you are very clear. These are great warning signs to look for and to heed. Thank you so much.
After you meet with someone, ask yourself:
1. How did that interaction make me feel?
2. Did I feel compelled to please them or avoid upsetting, bothering, or hurting their feelings?
3. Is this person trying to enlist me? Enlistment is a narcissist practice of making snide/belittling comments to see if you will agree & take in their remarks or reject them.
4. Did they say things that were backhanded such as snide comments dressed in compliments?
5. Did they say things that made me feel smaller, insecure, or doubtful of my own perceptions?
6. Did they WANT something from me like sympathy for their problems, validation, compliments, or an acknowledgment that they are wiser/smarter/more advanced than me in someway?
If so, and you continue the relationship, you will become the manager of their feelings. And when you become the manager of their feelings, you become responsible for their feelings (over-responsibility). And then you’re caught in their web of control & manipulation because you’re focused on what YOU are doing wrong. What you should be focusing on is what THEY are doing+saying that’s making you doubt yourself and feel like you're walk on eggshells.
Narc attitude and message: “The reason I’m mad is because of you. You’re not good enough. If you were better at xyz, then my life would be better but it’s not because you’re a failure & you’re lucky enough that I’m still here.”
Thanks for another great comment.
Never forget the Narc doesn't love you. In fact, they are incapable of sharing love. They will objectify you and use you to get their "Narc Supply"!
This must be the best analogy for spotting a narcissist.... Thanks
Both my parents are narcissistics - very hard to deal with them
I don't understand how a narc can marry a narc? from what all these videos are saying this should be almost impossible, a narc should have no real interest in another narc, it's like two different burglars showing up to rob the same gas station at the same time!
Do they make some kind of pact to get people? God help their children, I hope you are doing ok?
@@carlsapartments8931 I don't believe that my mother was a narc when they got together (many many moons ago) I think she learned from him how to be a narc - possibly a coping mechanisms.
@@carlsapartments8931 Check out "The Human Magnet Syndrome". In his book Therapist ROSS ROSENBERG explains this unlikely phenomenon, and that union's likely results.
@@jacquinewton8635 You have great instincts.
@@jacquinewton8635 She is a victim that took on narc traits....
I have been dealing with a narcissistic coworker and it has been horrible. I didn't realise the person was a narcissist when I first met her. I want to never get too close/too involved with a narcissist EVER AGAIN. These people are so toxic and suck the very life out of you.
Ty so much. I just broke out of a relationship with a severe narcissist.. 2 days ago. And this man has tried to drag me through the depths of hell, by "punishing " me for not agreeing with him. I realized he saw the pain I was going through and had no reaction but rather sat and watched. He was making sure I "paid " for blaming and belittling him. I'm glad my family and friends pointed out there is something wrong with a person who behaves like this over a disagreement.....looked up symptoms and here we are
I guess I get the enlistment strategy for them, but my experience is just the opposite. You do or say something nice and they point it out so you know they appreciate it. They are excited and enthusiastic about finding out how much they enjoy you being you. You are found to be unique, special and amazing to them. ,You would think that this would seem and feel over the top and you would realize you are being drawn in. But, no, they know exactly how to assure you dont. Also, this process lasts weeks, months or even years. Subconsciously you think to yourself, if this is too good to be true I would have uncovered something, or the relationship would have ended by now. You just cant fathom someone acting over a long period of time who really doesnt care and you dont really matter. I never realized there are people I the world like this.
Shocking and sad it is... Hopefully we can see it when we finally know about it and hopefully we can keep trusting people know we finally know about it .
Hopefully you didn't get hurt to much before you find it out... But has you describe it it seems you walked into a covert narcissist an most of the time with these ones you only find out when it is to late and you are in pain. ☹
M M I always believed people were basically good but sometimes did bad things. Nope. There are bad people with no redeeming qualities and they enjoy hurting people who love them.
For sure, I agree with you on this one. I really didn't realize myself that there are such people like this. I know we always would here things in the news about psychopathic damage, but we always think that was a very unusual thing, right? We just couldn't understand on a deep level that these types really do exist. We also never realized our part in there attraction to us. Yuck! We need to keep working on ourselves people. Keep learning and growing. Become aware of what you are allowing into your life.
James Gerboc it sounds like you crossed paths with a Covert Narcissist the worst of the worst, I was friends with one back in the day and it took me 10 years to see her for the despicable person she was, this is a person that slowly drains your energy over a period of time and leave you a shell of your former self.
Yeah it's pretty hideous isn't it?
You will always be a sacrificial lamb for their "happiness." Once you are drained...They no longer want you. They will only do good things for their benefit....but it is only to get what they really want from you attention, money, status, etc.
5:53 INITIALLY charming, for the viewers like me, pay attention to the adjectives and adverbs that dr.Fox throw, its clues
I have had so much exsposure some cues
They talk over too of you, they always talk of their achievements even if they are actually someone else's
they show little empathy they have it they choose to not use it,
although they understand it and exspect it from you they love giving silent treatment as a punishment
also they like to ask you opinion about what they should do then do the opposite just to devalue you
they iniatly can be charming and appear caring and once they think they have you where they want you they talk shit about eveyone else around them they also will use any fear you have accidently said outloud against you ie save it up for a later if you decide to unhook from their friendship,
they really need to hear from you how wonderful they are and boy if you don't they will sure tell you and remind you and if you piss of a narc oh have fun they are vidictive and quite happy to make up any bullshit thats suits including anything that could make you lose your job or children, oh and you will never be able to do anything right , you will always be wrong and stupid. Its not always iniatly obvious they are a narc especially if they are covert because they play nice for a while but if you pay attention you can spot it set a boundary and stick to it narcs dont respect boundaries its a very good indication. Run.
i see them clearly now after working with a handful for years. one of the biggest traits is how charismatic they initially seem. usually it takes time but i always had a decent radar. the ones that know that you know, they tend to stay away from you lol. over time the workplace became pretty toxic. the good people left and the narcs changed the whole atmosphere. it seemed the younger people were more self centered and shallow. that is not a coincidence. its a byproduct of the modern social media age. sad to see.
You explain things so well. If you feel like crap 💩 after meeting someone. I had an internship under a hateful ageist professional-made me second guess my abilities, marginalized me, put me in a corner and gave me silly tasks. I finally left and thanked them for the opportunity.
Now I’m not sure I even want to work in the legal profession-after this experience 😣
Oh wow, this makes me see things from a whole new lens. I'm a person who welcomes constructive criticism because I feel like that person is willing to be honest with me...
I have been studying up on narcissism for a few years. I started to study when I noticed slight traits in myself, my family and men I dated. You have perfectly described the behavior and traits. Out of all my studies yours is spot on.
Narcissistic don’t like reading about narcissistic. It pisses them off. That’s one way to tell 🤫
Thank you so much for your BPD videos, it's been very helpful to understand myself and change my view about myself as a whole.
I have a narcissistic mother and she tries so hard to enlist the family or friends around her, to make her look a good mother, when she actually isn't at all. Now I am more aware of ther behaviours and can protect myself from this.
Love from Brazil
@Adrienna no doubt, she is always trying to change how things happened to make her look good and i as the rebel daughter who is always fighting.
You are the first to touch on "enlistment".
Just realized that my parents are Narcissists and wondered how i have a history of narcissistic relationships. I totally understand how i must have been a magnet for it, 🤔understanding "enlistment" and "baiting" is a game changer, no life changer!!! I see how ppl in the office try to bait and enlist too and i am avoiding like a mind plague!
Thank you for helping me to understand! 🙏
Thank you for sharing. Still healing from a Narc relationship. I had no idea prior, to what all narcissism even was. Now, my eyes are Wide Open.
Annette Gaston me too girl, wish i knew before i fell in his trap, i still blame myself until today even its been months since i dumped him 😂 well good luck 🍀
This is great information. I have been studying narcissism and recognize flying monkeys. This is the first time I heard it called enlistment and it all makes sense. I now realize someone tried to do this to me this week in a more subtle way. I could feel his statement felt off to me and now I know why.
how to spot a narcissist:easy,see their eyes-dead and empty of fellings,no smile and full of hate...
Do more research. That is the whole point. They can trick people into not seeing this.
This is not true
No they can't epically if you take the time to look for it. Straight up ask them if you can look into their eyes for darkness and see how they react.
That is highly judgemental/ subjective and has no real bearing of validity in determining anything other than your ignorance on spotting one
@@tone3560 in that case everything is subjective and noone is an expert except the experts themselves but once you have known a narc you will never forget in the rest of your life,it leaves a stain on it that will never go clear,believe me i have suffered a lot and i know from experience,most of these creatures have dead eyes and empty stare ,everyone has noticed that and now all i know is i trust my intuition,never failed on that.[i never said i am a doctor-but i can say i have been a victim of a female narc-and i have asked a doctor about her and the doctor agreed with me and told me to stay away from her because she cannot be healed or changed]
With social distancing now going on, I realized a narc will not keep this distance. They always disregard boundaries! A dead give away. Also if you and they are walking near each other, they expect you to move out of their way, they do not budge. Another dead give away.
"Healthy narcissism" isn't narcissism... when you're truly capable, competent, and actually wanting to help or empower someone else, or build something etc ...that is a mentally healthy and emotionally stable thing to do. Kindness is not narcissistic. I am speaking of kindness - your motive is to bless someone else... it's not giving with the narcissistic thoughts of what am I going to gain from this etc.
True!
I found finally out that my mother is a narcist and why i have so many limiting believes about me and all these unhealthy pattern😢 but the fact that i know now the root of my inability with many things in life changes everything. I start recognize my thoughts and transform them trough deciding that i CAN achieve what i want. Thank you so much Dr. Daniel Fox💜
Very good advice, these things should be taught in school, thank you
Yes! Please! The covert vs. Overt video please!
I spent 2 years in and getting cut out. 8 months went by and I forgot who I was dealing with and got sucked in again.
This only works on people like me. A little insecure and codependent. When I stick up for myself I get cut out again.
Self awareness seems to be my only weapon.
Please do covert!
deb sabatino I’m pretty sure he has already!
deb sabatino yes!!! PLEASE!!!
This is the covert
@Sue Ristovska r u okay?
I would like to keep these narcissist at bay.
This is very interesting, I just divorced a narcissistic woman, and was surprised how I could have fallen for her. I knew that I could not have deep conversations with her, but always thought we would eventually build up to more mature conversations. We never did. The little jabs immediately, with me forgiving were the entryway into making me a susceptible victim. Thank you for the insight.
I previously dated a narcissist. If we got into an argument, he wouldn’t even let me speak. He would go on and on and on about how everything is my fault and how horrible of a person I am, in a very intense tone, literally three inches from my face for 30 minutes straight until I was crying and physically shaking. Not an ounce of him cared about me until the second I walked out the door. He would come running after me, apologizing, begging me to come back inside etc. One time I made it to my car and he actually physically kept me from shutting the door and driving away. The SECOND I agreed to come back inside, it was right back to the yelling at me and everything is your fault again. And it would just go in a circle like that over and over. And our arguments weren’t actually arguments. It usually would start with me finally gaining the courage to tell him he’s been hurting my feelings because he would always find a way to put me down for every little thing that made me happy. And somehow it would turn into that every single time.
He probably told his circle you like fighting and poor him.
My dad was a Pure Narcissist I'm partly a Narcissist, but I feel bad if I hurt someone feeling. From my mom I learn rescuing. Lol even if they didn't want rescuing. I learn to assume what other people wanted and that they would be as appreciative of it as I.
I can relate to this ...
@@Edelwiess1066 my children's lalaby was Edelwiess with the last verse changed to Bless my family forever
This video was very powerful for me! My son has BPD with narcissistic traits. He has kept me hooked for a long time thinking I was responsible for his feelings. I have felt responsible for his well-being for too long. Thank you Dr. Fox!
you are legally and biologically responsible for your son's physical and emotional well being.
This is just a helpful breakdown. I can see how my x enlisted me 20 years ago. I left him 13 years ago so it's not a recent event but it is true that a lot of our conversations even early on were all about how I could be better in some way.
My mom said, "my my that is such a lovely shade of blue!" Feelings of pleasure soar. Then she frowns and says, "it is to bad blue does not look good on you." Feelings take a nose dive. When I experience that emotional nose dive, I recognize who I am dealing with, a Narcissist. My inner child wears blue, lol
Narcissist often utilize backhanded compliments. Sometimes all you can do is psychologically insulate yourself from those. I know sometimes it’s really hard and I wish you well
Such a good explanation of 'enlistment' - answered prayers - God is teaching me boundaries in many different areas and sending good teachers to stay informed and to protect his daughter!
It.s a spiritual issue. SIMPLY evil. Either demonic infestation or outright possession. That is the SPIRITUAL answer. Be blessed.
Yes! I sure hope you do a video on covert/overt narcissists. With borderline personality disorder I have often found myself really hurt in the process. Especially the discard and then hoover. My dad is malignant as well. So with my disorder I have found myself drawn to the wrong people. I wish to make real friends and be a good person. It is also too saddening for me to fall in love with a person with pathological NPD and it to all fall apart on repeat, even more so when I truly do care about them. I feel so stupid for getting invested like that.
Wow, you really broke down narcissism and I appreciate how you talked about the beginning on how the narcissist person really determines who will take those passive aggressive put downs. That was me, and now I see how I was a perfect narcissist persons bate. I will share this video because up to now I have not heard anyone break it down like you did. Thank you for this video. I believe it will help a ton of people in checking out the signs!
wow im so tense all week and all day, this video managed to calm my nerves and energy down. my neck even hurts.
I don’t know if you’re a Christian man. But God continue to bless you and your mind. Thank you so much. You’ve blessed me because I was going through all of this with someone. Thank you so much. They tricked me and told me they love me when really it feels like they despise me. Thank you so much!!! God bless you sir!
This guy is really good. He knows what we have all been though. It's crazy I'm sitting here wishing he could met my x and somehow help....
I watch a lot of videos about narcissism and this is the clearest and most concise description of enlistment I have come across.
To answer your survey, the way I spot a narcissist is I watch for a pattern of criticism, value stealing and value deprivation in their words and speech in context of the situation, and then I track how consistently that pattern survives over a long period of time. The longer it survives, the greater certainty I have that the person is a narcissist.
Most things people say that are not criticisms on the surface do not accommodate a critical interpretation upon further consideration; "Good morning" "I forgot my phone today." "Set that on the table." A person without NPD will find it taxing to formulate things to say that consistently accommodate a sneaky critical interpretation. But a person with NPD formulates them as easily as they breathe. "I'm jealous how much weight you lost, it's like living with a skeleton." It's their default way of speaking and interacting with people.
What they have difficulty with is saying things that add value to people in a moderate way without accommodating a sneaky critical interpretation and without veering into worshipful pathology. "You make a great meatloaf" "I like your shirt" "You really helped me out today."
When making a request, the narcissist may often deliver the request in conditional terms and let the end of the sentence trail off. "If you would mop up that water..." I call these non-requests. The reason for the trail off is that the narcissist thinks a zero-sum transfer of value is happening whenever a person requests something from another person. In other words, there is no value creation in a narcissist's interpretation of human interactions.
In the narc psyche, every value gain is accompanied by an equal value loss by the other person. Unlike in the psyche of a non-narc, there is no shared relationship between us that we're building up and that's superordinate to our individual selves.
So by trailing off the request, the narcissist gets to tell him or herself that she didn't make a request at all, and therefore the value transfer from her to you didn't really happen.
The same explanation goes for the reason the non-request is made in conditional terms like "If you would." There's ambiguity inherent in the phrase about whether the condition was simply lost in the trail off (like "I would appreciate it") or whether there was never a condition to begin with and the pretense was only meant to get you to do what the narcissist wants without the narcissist having to either pay the value transfer of the conditional or make it a real request by removing the condition like a normal person.
So the conditional+trialoff formulation is a formulation that preemptively steals you of the value you might've gained from performing the task before you've even performed it. It also retains for the narcissist a wide array of plausible-sounding excuses in the event that you object to the narcissist's non-request. "That's just how I talk." "I was busy and in a hurry toward another important task and I just didn't finish my sentence." "I don't know why you're making a big deal about how I talk." "I was trying not to assume that you would do what I asked because I know you're busy too." These responses disguise the fact that no request was technically made, and they misrepresent your complaint as being about the delivery rather than the content, and as being about this particular non-request rather than the long pattern of non-requests that came before it. That's why a narcissist will eventually cling to "That's just how I talk" if pressed on the issue, because it's an unfalsifiable defense. When the narc continues to make non-requests and you object to them again she will simply use the defense that "Old habits are hard to break and you're being abusive by targeting how I speak." In that way she'll turn other people against you by making you seem like the real abuser.
This makes things clearer regarding my turbulent relationship with my father over many many years. You are shining light on the parts that I was missing. He continues to focus on my "weakness" (not being like him) as a point of enlistment and from there, the abusive cycle continue. I will be more cautious from now on.