How to Stick Up For Yourself When People Cross Your Boundaries/Build Self Confidence NOW

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  • Опубликовано: 24 дек 2024

Комментарии • 1,3 тыс.

  • @godzillamanstreb524
    @godzillamanstreb524 4 года назад +546

    I can’t even put into words how much this video means to me.....after decades of familial abandonment fear I’ve put up with gross narcissistic & emotional abuse which naturally carried over to my post-college relationships.....today, my late husband’s birthday, in honor of his heartbreaking childhood narcissistic abuse, my sons and I will insist, in all relationships, to STICK-UP for ourselves (with integrity).......no matter how long it takes or the feared consequence 💜💜💜💙💙💙Happy Birthday Mike❤️

    • @godzillamanstreb524
      @godzillamanstreb524 4 года назад +16

      Thank you Lisa🌹💐

    • @cindyc
      @cindyc 4 года назад +11

      ❤🤗☀️

    • @tourover9249
      @tourover9249 4 года назад +36

      First time i watched this video i was in shock, i had to watch it again to understand what Lisa was saying. Thank you Lisa for opening up my mind, i thought i was the bad one in my family out of my other 3 brothers. I'm 50 yrs old and just starting to wake up after watching your video.

    • @anitaluevano9643
      @anitaluevano9643 4 года назад +10

      Thank u sooo much for the advice it helps me soo much

    • @christinaerichsen5137
      @christinaerichsen5137 4 года назад

      0

  • @TokyoBlue587
    @TokyoBlue587 3 года назад +345

    I have learned that one important thing about sticking up for yourself is that it shows you very clearly who respects you and who doesn’t, and who you may need to get rid of in your life.

    • @leahweinberger583
      @leahweinberger583 3 года назад +13

      This is the hard part..that it isn't just setting the boundary it is the Following through. I will say. I'm not having this conversation and if it continues I just get up and walk away. Period. I used to do a bunch of "oh you don't mean that..that's not very nice then veered into acting LIKE them (ugly and I sure didn't feel better after) tears, apologies, trying to change the subject. Now. I unemotionally state the boundary and if breached deliver the consequences. It's tough. Honestly it was almost impossible until I shifted the paradigm. I USED to think oh their upset and can't control themselves but they do love me until the day when after a an episode, I off handedly remarked about how hard it must be for then to manage their "upset& temper" at work. They very nonchalantly informed me that they NEVER behaved this way at work, they'd get fired.
      O M G. They COULD control themselves and their rages, they chose NOT TO. They was just no "payoff" at having restraint with me. Oh and my upset, hurt, heartbreak at the emotional battering? Mere dirt beneath their feet. Boundaries now. Just a note: when one paradigm shifts so do others. Paradigm. He lovees me Issue: all of the garbage abuse.
      How can he do this if he loves me? Why it should be Impossible! Such a disconnect that he SAYS love but he DOES hateful. Rather than squirrel run that, flip it. What if he did not love me..could them he do all of these things? What if he hated me? Resented me? What about then?
      BINGO.
      Lisa is fabulous for holding a mirror up to our squirrel runs.

    • @jeslin3
      @jeslin3 3 года назад +2

      Yes!

    • @StefanPagacik
      @StefanPagacik 3 года назад +11

      Bingo! People who truly love and respect you will understand that your boundaries are important and they are not to cross them. If they can’t or won’t understand that, let them go. They are not worth your time or effort no matter how close or familial they may be

    • @teesahurt2074
      @teesahurt2074 2 года назад +6

      100%. Correct. It surely allows you to once you set those boundaries to be able to see those who says no one cares about your boundaries. It’s true they don’t. I have had to end relationships with family members, and the whole nine.. I no longer give chances over and over. Boundary is set and if you cross/break it. I end the relationship with you no matter who you are. And I never look back. PEROID.

    • @eurokay4755
      @eurokay4755 2 года назад +7

      @@leahweinberger583 I LOVE your comment. I have an almost identical history and thought pattern: "They don't mean that. Look at all the times we've had such fun together . . . "
      I've even had the good luck to have a trusted friend who also happens to be a LPC tell me, after I would describe an abusive incident I was trying to make sense of, "Someone who loves you wouldn't do that." I heard her, but I didn't fully understand and accept what she said. How do you accept that your family of origin doesn't love you?!
      When you said to flip this thinking around and stop asking 'how could someone who loves me do and say these things' and instead, consider whether someone who doesn't love you could do/say them. Absolutely they could! As painful as it is, it's almost a relief from the emotional whiplash and weird, confusing fog of trying to figure out the reason for their conduct toward me. It's simpler and much more logical to just accept that they can't, won't and don't love me for reasons of their own. I don't need to understand more than that.

  • @ccdm515
    @ccdm515 4 года назад +534

    Make sure that sticking up for yourself isn't explaining yourself.

    • @tourover9249
      @tourover9249 4 года назад +3

      My father just past away and the 2020 Thanksgiving holiday is coming up, what should i do.

    • @StormyLove657
      @StormyLove657 4 года назад +4

      True

    • @kynathomas4809
      @kynathomas4809 4 года назад +5

      @Orixá Rose 💯👍🏿♥️

    • @blackcatno9
      @blackcatno9 4 года назад +23

      but don't be too hard on yourself as you figure this out. You're gonna screw up. It's okay. Their standards are dumb and self-serving.

    • @blackcatno9
      @blackcatno9 4 года назад +11

      @@ccdm515 yes, I became surrounded by N’s because I was kinda acting like one and being used as a fuel source for multiple N’s. I started to think everyone was like that, but people have been so kind to my blunders, like SO damn sweet.

  • @PerrySkyePhoenix
    @PerrySkyePhoenix 4 года назад +403

    When you grow up in a home where there is violence, you are afraid to stand up for yourself. Standing up for yourself could result in getting hit.

    • @SuperGuanine
      @SuperGuanine 3 года назад +19

      Exactly.

    • @cyndigooch1162
      @cyndigooch1162 3 года назад +33

      Jennifer Syke Phoenix That's exactly right and it can continue into teenage and adult "relationships," then it's difficult to even think straight when people get angry etc. 😩

    • @karenkelleher989
      @karenkelleher989 3 года назад +17

      Yeah...I thought that, for a long time. Then I decided I could take it, call the cops, arrest him, restraining order. Boom he’s out!
      Never did even TRY to hit me after that! It said, go ahead, do it, I dare you...
      not afraid anymore... means a lot to me and says something to him, too
      After 35 years he just quit.

    • @jolaola1987
      @jolaola1987 3 года назад +7

      This is true, but when you're older and realise that doing nothing actually hurts more than getting hit, or you have that feeling that you could get killed but no one will treat you in such this and that disgraceful way, then it is amoment where magic happens and you see different results and different reactions, and you know you can do it.
      Consequently comes time when you also learn how to do it in a kind way where you respect your rights but also do not disrespect the other person.

    • @Missyj358
      @Missyj358 3 года назад +5

      It’s odd. I grew up with two different kinds of narcissists and I seem to have no problem standing up for myself. Even when it isn’t really necessary. Hmmm.

  • @SydMountaineer
    @SydMountaineer 3 года назад +321

    When you stick up for yourself or set a boundary appropriately, the reaction you get tells you a lot about the person you're dealing with, and lets you know which people are worth spending your time & effort with. Life is so short.

    • @treeluckfactory5710
      @treeluckfactory5710 3 года назад +10

      I read somewhere that this is the advice in some asian countries, and why they might smile if the boss is yelling at them. It's interesting how other cultures do things.

    • @vivere__
      @vivere__ 3 года назад +16

      Yes. If the person doesn't respect you saying no or setting of boundries, there is a problem

    • @SydMountaineer
      @SydMountaineer 3 года назад +8

      @@treeluckfactory5710 Yes, thanks for sharing that, I appreciate it. It is interesting that some cultures include everything as a part of life, emotional, spiritual, etc, but here in the U.S., we separate everything, where some people ignore their feelings & emotions, etc, and think that some people don't even have emotions, or shouldn't. And the fact that our society is so materialistic, narcissistic, and capitalistic where money is the main concern, everything else gets pushed to the wayside.

    • @SydMountaineer
      @SydMountaineer 3 года назад +11

      @@vivere__ Exactly. I think the main problem is that we don't like to believe what we find out about someone when they show us their true colors (as in a pattern, I don't mean just once like if someone's having a bad day) - we want to believe that people are going to be good to us and are reasonable, especially our family members, so we treat them like they are adults when they show that they have the mentality of a child, and the next time we visit them, if they don't live up to what we hope they are, we are let down and hurt. Many people try and try again, hoping their abusive family members will surely treat them good, and they're let down time & again.

    • @StefanPagacik
      @StefanPagacik 3 года назад +10

      Love this comment. So true. It's easy as a co-dependent to cling to a relationship for fear of abandonment. But it's actually healthier to look out for our needs first and know that whatever happens is meant to happen either in the present moment or in the near future.

  • @sage7193
    @sage7193 4 года назад +256

    One thing I've noticed when I'd stick up for myself to narcissists is they would alway twist it around like I'm over reacting etc.. When they know full well I'm right. They love to gaslight. Sick and twisted manipulative people!

    • @ShortGirlsClimbCounters
      @ShortGirlsClimbCounters 4 года назад +25

      Wow, so relatable what you are saying! And the narcissist acts like they are victim.

    • @dawnhufton3068
      @dawnhufton3068 4 года назад +23

      Yes.. I was accused of being crazy...drama queen..soo good to finally see the real truth.💕

    • @bluej6800
      @bluej6800 3 года назад +25

      Those are the people you walk away from, and no longer associate with. You don’t try to change, reason, or explain to them, you just put them out of your life.

    • @ganymeade5151
      @ganymeade5151 3 года назад +16

      They are liars and very dangerous and need to be effectively dealt with. They need psychiatric help.

    • @rachelsnider313
      @rachelsnider313 3 года назад +3

      @@dawnhufton3068 me three

  • @larizima
    @larizima 4 года назад +291

    "In order to set a boundary, you need to be able to see into the future and recognize what's going to happen if I don't set this boundary"

    • @debbievoysey375
      @debbievoysey375 4 года назад +5

      So true. Hard knocks also teach us that :)

    • @kynathomas4809
      @kynathomas4809 4 года назад +5

      💯

    • @martap.548
      @martap.548 4 года назад +4

      We have been deceived by narcs in ways you cannot imagine! Time to set our boundaries and stand up against them! Please read my "About" info and PC users also watch the 2min video. Time to fight back and free ourselves!!!

    • @littleiodine9480
      @littleiodine9480 4 года назад +6

      Lara, for me, many times and most of the time I don't need to see into the future set a boundary. If asked something I do not wish to do, at that moment in time I did not see it coming but at that moment in time I can say no. That is me setting a boundary. That is me setting a boundary in the absolute now of my life. I truly see what you're talking about on some things. If you know somebody has a doctor's appointment and you expect they will ask you for a ride then I guess up ahead you could say you wouldn't be able to. But again, if it takes you by surprise and you say no, that is the boundary in the here-and-now with never seeing ahead. It seems to me that it takes a lot of g r o w t h to get to that point coming from the Cinderella life I came from. Good luck to us all!

    • @sage7193
      @sage7193 4 года назад +9

      Exactly. At some point I've recognized enough is enough of this abuse and criticism from others just so they can feel better about themselves by bringing others down. Set strong boundaries or cut ties is the best remedy if they don't want to change and do the right thing.

  • @briansaiditsoitmustbetrue4206
    @briansaiditsoitmustbetrue4206 4 года назад +281

    The dirty Narcissist has GOT to belittle you and cross your boundaries ... It regulates their emotions and boosts their self worth and self esteem.

    • @emilygraham9968
      @emilygraham9968 4 года назад +34

      Absolutely!! They're absolute FILTH on this front. Its the only way they can relieve their massive load of venom. They're sick and twisted MONSTERS!!

    • @sage7193
      @sage7193 4 года назад +28

      Sad but true. These type of people are sick in the head. They never want to look themselves in the mirror. Instead they love to project their insanity and insecurity on others.

    • @emilygraham9968
      @emilygraham9968 4 года назад +9

      @@sage7193 Google Gangstalking and see how this sickness has morphed into a movement with zero transparency, accountability or Justice!! I think one narc at a time is enough for anyone to have to deal with. Lol!!

    • @sage7193
      @sage7193 4 года назад +3

      @@emilygraham9968 Good advice! I completely agree. I've heard of that term. I will do more research on that. I've also wondered about it but have never researched it.Thanks!

    • @reesedaniel5835
      @reesedaniel5835 3 года назад +16

      @@emilygraham9968 Government is behind the gangstalking. The psychopathic "elite" that control the govt and media. They are also behind the entire "coronavirus" psyop. Pure fear propaganda so they can force a genocidal "vaccine" on everyone and gain complete and total control of their every move and thought. Why are people so STUPID! Why do they believe this BS?? Why do they acknowledge and obey this LIE?? The more idiots who comply with this psyop, the closer we ALL ARE TO LOSING EVERY LAST SHRED OF FREEDOM AND LIBERTY WE HAVE LEFT!!!

  • @alysiahite12
    @alysiahite12 4 года назад +109

    I am in a place in my life that I am okay with detachment. 😍 I am okay with not having the approval of anyone.
    Been gone 2 years now. I am in the drivers seat of my Life with the help of God.🙏👑💪🌹😍

    • @saundradriscoll282
      @saundradriscoll282 2 года назад +2

      Your Free! Thank God!

    • @Dayzee1081
      @Dayzee1081 2 года назад +1

      Congratulations! I too am finally accepting detachment! Toxic people (blood or not!) have ZERO automatic "right" to your time and/or space in your life!

  • @pattis.1645
    @pattis.1645 4 года назад +345

    Some kids aren't allowed to stick up for themselves. If they don't do what the control freak wants, it gets worse.

    • @StormyLove657
      @StormyLove657 4 года назад +7

      :(

    • @blueshoes915
      @blueshoes915 4 года назад +12

      Yep!

    • @babdullah5025
      @babdullah5025 4 года назад +49

      My mom always taught me how to take humiliation and abuse but never taught me how to stick up for myself. she's passed away may she rest in peace but she was an extreme abuser too.

    • @indigoGoddess7
      @indigoGoddess7 4 года назад +36

      I grew up in an environment like that. I remember when the narc had friends over - I just finished making eggs (prior to their arrival) I asked if she wanted and she answered no.
      As soon as I finished making it, she goes: “make me some eggs too”. When I gave her the eggs, she was so overtly critical (mind you she rarely cooked and when she did she was so obnoxiously lazy most times ruining the food). Her friends started laughing and I instantly shouted:”if you didn’t like the way I made them then you should’ve made them yourself”. Silence took the room and later she scolded me about it, but now that I’m 26. I realized that my parents should’ve never had kids!

    • @sage7193
      @sage7193 4 года назад +28

      Yeah. They don't like rebels lol.😂

  • @DeepThinkersClub
    @DeepThinkersClub 2 года назад +16

    Right on the nail! Childhood Emotional Neglect causes the kid to feel like they need to put their feelings aside and put themselves on the back burner for the needs of others. The child doesn’t develop a sense of self that is inwardly focused. You cannot understand boundaries or know how to stand up for yours if you are in a place where you actually don’t exist. It’s the exact opposite of narcissism.

  • @angelwings2721
    @angelwings2721 4 года назад +45

    The Narcissist will punish you if you push back or don't obey. This could go to real extremes like leaving you outside in the dead of Winter like some abused animal.

    • @JustCallMeLiberty
      @JustCallMeLiberty 3 года назад +4

      one of mine left me on the side of a highway

    • @nancyblessing8411
      @nancyblessing8411 3 года назад

      Yeah, I've had underclothes thrown in dirty toilet water then trashed right in front of my eyes. And I wanted to know what would make one do this. I didn't have any of this knowledge then.

    • @ootenba5910
      @ootenba5910 11 месяцев назад

      Yep.. both my parents & ex partners! I def felt like an abused animal with no where to go. So grateful I have my own safe space now ❤

  • @ScorpionMaiden75
    @ScorpionMaiden75 4 года назад +44

    I was beaten as a child for trying to say so. Then it happened again in adulthood. 24 years worth of it. Gaslit. Beaten and abused. Told I was nuts and should be in an insane asylum.
    I'm now learning this at 45 years old. Thank you for this video you are an Angel

    • @daviddickenson1243
      @daviddickenson1243 4 года назад +1

      Hey Maiden

    • @ScorpionMaiden75
      @ScorpionMaiden75 3 года назад

      @@daviddickenson1243 yes?

    • @sondraroberts-stott8206
      @sondraroberts-stott8206 3 года назад +2

      Your so brave!!!!!!!!!!

    • @ninamc6116
      @ninamc6116 3 года назад +3

      Same here, hang in there

    • @saundradriscoll282
      @saundradriscoll282 2 года назад +5

      I can relate. If I even ask a question to my narcissist mother I was hit, slapped, and kicked. I tried all my childhood to get my mother to love me. Then at the age of 21 when my mother kicked me I told her off. I realized I could never get her love. I found friends who became my family and loved me.

  • @michelekurlan6489
    @michelekurlan6489 3 года назад +13

    Ugh.. learned helplessness comment hit hard. Is that why I look like a deer in headlights whenever someone crosses a boundary....
    This is a labor of love you are doing Lisa and I'm brought to tears is I listen to the quality of your voice as you speak about your mom' and her nability to stand up for herself. So obvious how much work you've done to regain yourself. Thankfully opened up one of your videos. Riveting.

  • @JayseeKid
    @JayseeKid 4 года назад +257

    This lock down has really helped me to start to find the true me, and Lisa's vids are opening me up to how ive not had boundaries throughout my life from my childhood, and I need to grow strong and self accept, and not isolate when the Cov 19 passes, but its going to be hard meeting new people now Im 60yrs old, not in bad shape but Im on the sick with depression and anxiety battling addiction and have little hope of finding a partner,but Ive found me and you know ? I think Im ok ,Im an ok person after all, thank you Lisa and life's lessons

    • @gertrudewest4535
      @gertrudewest4535 4 года назад +37

      I am on the same journey...we’ll get there. Age is an illusion

    • @kynathomas4809
      @kynathomas4809 4 года назад +7

      ♥️♥️♥️

    • @calbrush6654
      @calbrush6654 4 года назад +2

      I recommend czeck out David Snyder if you like

    • @tourover9249
      @tourover9249 4 года назад +4

      Thank you for these video's.

    • @rebeccagreene3271
      @rebeccagreene3271 4 года назад +31

      Hey Mark im62years old and facing the same dilemna..but finding yourself is so freeing! We willmake it!! Its better to be alone than to be with even one narcisst

  • @agabi569
    @agabi569 3 года назад +69

    'You cannot be tied to the outcome' - crucial advice for me. Thank you.

  • @lauracook4394
    @lauracook4394 4 года назад +106

    Sometimes freezing has gotten me out of the immediate abusive situation( first freeze, then remove the body from danger). It did not feel like I was responsible for what they were saying. It was not safe to make a response other than getting out. Then thinking about what kind of response I could make from a distance. Freezing and not trying to defend myself, stopped them from being able to use my responses against me in their smear campaign (they attacked in front of witnesses). My reptile brain stopped me from making a bad situation worse. It picked up my devastate psyche along with my body and got me to a safe place. Once safe, my mind could catch up with the new information, and deal with it. My threat assessment system is smarter then me in those situations. It does not care what I think if it decides that someone wishes me harm and can carry out the threat. It felt pretty crap, but I could not have walked out of there under my own steam.

    • @tmo.48
      @tmo.48 4 года назад +32

      Reminds me of the saying “you don’t need to attend every argument that you’re invited to “

    • @maureenwoodard9588
      @maureenwoodard9588 4 года назад +13

      So glad you are out of the torture

    • @ShortGirlsClimbCounters
      @ShortGirlsClimbCounters 4 года назад +11

      This was actually my situation as a kid. I always froze because to stick up for yourself was just to constantly be in even more trouble. As an adult I need to practice sticking up for myself and being more assertive.

    • @tmo.48
      @tmo.48 4 года назад +7

      Linnaia Crist -I still freeze when narc of 40 year marriage will pull his stuff out of left field, more like shock. I go off on my own into another room and try and decipher what just happened. I do stick up for myself but in my mind-he wouldn’t understand if I always tell him the truth of the way of things. He is too famous for blaming me or sweeping it all under the rug. Yes I do feel sorry for him but honestly it doesn’t make me yearn to stay .

  • @naturefleur2062
    @naturefleur2062 4 года назад +5

    Many who grew up neglected and/or abused lack a sense of self and worth BECAUSE they grew up in UNSAFE environments. That can’t be emphasized ENOUGH.
    It’s one thing I can’t stand hearing said. Like not having a sense of worth is something I just lack out of the blue. It wasn’t a choice for me to DEVELOP A HEALTHY SENSE OF SELF ESTEEM AND BOUNDARIES because the parents I was born to and raised by were constantly threatened by my authentic self and feelings, etc. Their self-protective response was to effectively shut me down, to keep me small to make themselves feel better/safer/more capable than me.
    It’s really important for those, like me, to BEGIN HEALING by hearing that it’s not a personal failing on our part or just something we didn’t figure out. It’s what HAPPENED *TO* US.
    When I hear my experience mirrored back to me, I feel understood and that’s all I needed to begin my healing path. It sounds small or unimportant, but for me, it’s everything.
    Unfortunately, even after engaging several counselors, I couldn’t find someone to do that with me, so I learned to validate myself. I am not a person who struggled with my worth. I knew I had worth. *I struggled to feel safe enough to assert myself in my worth with others due to the emotional and physical abuse I endured at my parents’ hands.* This is important to get right and talk about specifically. It’s a safety issue and an ownership issue. They did things to me that caused my normal, self-protective response IN THAT CONTEXT to not trigger their wounds (by shrinking and complying to their emotional demands). But seeing it clearly like that just opens the door to saying, because I realize it’s true now, I wasn’t safe then so that’s how I needed to be then to cope. But now I am safe because *I keep myself safe* (by recognizing my needs and responding appropriately to them, including by setting boundaries) and that means I can show how much I do value myself. I can be me openly, finally, without fear of reprisal, from others who are/were threatened by me. For many of us survivors, it’s less about building a self esteem but rather about building a sense of safety to *release our real sense of worth out where others can see it.*

  • @susibrooks8620
    @susibrooks8620 2 года назад +10

    When the narc said to me,
    “I love you”, my boundary mode sparked back with
    “Like a pig loves mud”.
    Boundaries set-boundaries met!

  • @libby1334
    @libby1334 4 года назад +37

    As a chronic people-pleaser, I sincerely thank you for explaining all of this♡

  • @rihannagirl556
    @rihannagirl556 4 года назад +62

    "Setting and sticking to our boundaries is pulling away from codependency and seeking external validation" One of the many gems from this video. Lots of love, Lisa

    • @devlevine2782
      @devlevine2782 4 года назад +5

      Thanks for pointing this out

    • @RicardoLopez-ts3sr
      @RicardoLopez-ts3sr 3 года назад +3

      I did this and starded noticing i would panic less. Starded seeing people noticed that something was going on and seeing them worried taking care of me. It helped me to not care alot to stand up and be firm. When i left i wasnt having anxiety. After 3 days starded seeing clear and know whats mine and whats not. I see alot of things I didnt before.

  • @bradmcewen
    @bradmcewen 4 года назад +132

    So much information is contained within this that anyone could use this to personally develop. Our childhood emotional development comes from a limited range of ideas, infused normals no matter who you are. To me those that have been through the worse & dive deep , eventually are the most woke people on earth.

    • @tmo.48
      @tmo.48 4 года назад +17

      Only wounded soldiers can serve ❤️

    • @reesedaniel5835
      @reesedaniel5835 3 года назад +7

      Bible says "humility comes before honor".....The narc's want the honor all for themselves, upfront and without any real effort, introspection or work and their father satan is glad to give it to them (in this present life, that is). Not so in the next.

    • @onetime3738
      @onetime3738 3 года назад +6

      Yes there is soooo much information in this and so much work can be done from this one message!

    • @Shady.Lady.
      @Shady.Lady. 3 года назад +2

      So true! I believe so too.

    • @kyliecollard2893
      @kyliecollard2893 3 года назад +1

      Biggest battles to the strongest!

  • @BellaBankes
    @BellaBankes Год назад +4

    “Healthy adults know what their boundaries are.” 🙏🏼

  • @veronicarawls9646
    @veronicarawls9646 2 года назад +3

    Thanks! You've just explained 20 years of my life! Crazy thing is... people are surprised to see me thrive.

  • @sheila4035
    @sheila4035 4 года назад +76

    Absolutely! You have to say no to caretaking all the time and pay attention to your needs even if people get upset. Being the go to for everybody is not the healthiest thing. Balance!

    • @shani50
      @shani50 4 года назад +3

      AMEN

    • @kellyrawluk2047
      @kellyrawluk2047 3 года назад +3

      I'm beginning to do this for me, and my family and friends don't like it.Oh well!!

    • @saundradriscoll282
      @saundradriscoll282 2 года назад

      Yes, I have a friend who is a user. She expects everyone to cater to her. She always wants to be driven for lunch or gatherings. She manipulates the conversations and wants to be the main person talking. I can only stand to be around her bits at a time. I finally told her she needs to find another person to take her places. She is so angry…I did the right thing🙋‍♀️👍🕊

  • @blackcatno9
    @blackcatno9 4 года назад +44

    If you're reading this, you have a voice. You matter. Thank you, Lisa, for explaining this process in a very tangible way an inner child can understand.

  • @silverlining7298
    @silverlining7298 3 года назад +19

    I'm 36 and have always struggled with this. Recently I stood up for myself at work and pushed back as I've been working on myself in a support network. It's the first time I've really done this and was hard but necessary to love myself. I panicked and went quiet at first then I went back and expressed how they made me feel and picked them up on it. I felt so empowered and also more respect for myself. Thankyou for explaining the panic I felt and know what wa happening. I appreciate your work

  • @teresaphillips9692
    @teresaphillips9692 4 года назад +99

    Sticking up for yourself can be an extremely complicated process... however some people make it look like it can be easily done. It's been a slow process for me, but I'm learning that by watching these self-help videos and reaching out to the vast community that exist within them, it is possible to develop the tools needed to become a stronger person. The process of learning how to use these tools is developed the same way any other talent is developed; by practicing. Thank you for everything that you do Lisa and my heart goes out to everyone who has had to suffer any form of abuse 💕

    • @Riante59
      @Riante59 4 года назад +7

      I would like to find videos that demonstrate HOW to "stick up for yourself" or set boundaries or respond to hurtful comments.

    • @paulsimpson8255
      @paulsimpson8255 3 года назад +3

      I walk away an then i think i should of said that back but its to late
      Try to be quick in respoding aint easy i used to find my self freaking out an swaring then i look like a nut case

    • @saundradriscoll282
      @saundradriscoll282 2 года назад +1

      @@Riante59 Lisa can help you with all that.

    • @saundradriscoll282
      @saundradriscoll282 2 года назад +2

      @@paulsimpson8255 I was and am the same way. I have learned it’s absolutely not your fault. You can’t respond. It’s part of PTSD. It’s a subconscious way of survival. I would get so mad at myself for freezing and not saying anything. I would walk off thinking why didn’t I say ….
      Counseling has really helped me to overcome the PTSD.
      May God direct your steps to healing. 💙🕊

  • @melx6957
    @melx6957 4 года назад +10

    When you're sticking up for yourself you may not win... but you will feel empowered

  • @lilyghassemzadeh
    @lilyghassemzadeh 4 года назад +25

    Were I your mom I would remain silent too... you either walk away from a narcissist, or just shut up. You can never ever have a constructive argument with a narcissist, so why bother.

  • @a.pieceofpie
    @a.pieceofpie 3 года назад +24

    In almost all of my relationships (family, friends, work) I am the common denominator. There's something about me/something that I do or don't do that allows people to think they can disrespect me. I wished that I knew how to stand up for myself as a child...life would have been soo much different (in a better way for sure). I say all of this but I am no victim...just taking responsibility.

  • @siyafaith5615
    @siyafaith5615 3 года назад +10

    I thank my current partner who encouraged me to stand up to myself and set boundaries and I'm now the queen of standing up dor myself

  • @salubriousinfo
    @salubriousinfo 4 года назад +218

    Wow...... 55......You're beautiful... You're such a beautiful inspiration. 💕

    • @raechristensen9980
      @raechristensen9980 3 года назад +4

      Spot on so enlightening

    • @roseblues
      @roseblues 3 года назад +4

      Yes, very beautiful and smart

    • @maggieb.7722
      @maggieb.7722 3 года назад +2

      😲 No Way!! 💖

    • @anthony11117
      @anthony11117 3 года назад +14

      I've noticed that many of us empaths age well even though we should look like hell from what we've been through. I've read about this many times as well.

    • @thethundermeme4916
      @thethundermeme4916 3 года назад

      🌷

  • @marywilsonvocalist2181
    @marywilsonvocalist2181 4 года назад +34

    part of turning him off me was letting him know i didnt require his affirmations or criticisms..

  • @annia474
    @annia474 3 года назад +25

    I learned saying 'no' in my late 40 s, this with a lot of therapy

    • @raccoondon488
      @raccoondon488 3 года назад

      I love the word “no”. With no explanation …just “no”. It works great “sometimes”…often actually. It’s like a magic word that gets rid of a lot of stress. 👍👍👍

  • @colleenoldham1245
    @colleenoldham1245 3 года назад +13

    I choose to walk away and taught my daughters the same. When they can;t respect your boundaries it's time for them to go.

    • @SuperSpoonification
      @SuperSpoonification 2 года назад

      Yes people get a shock when you start setting boundaries. I started a few weeks ago, when devine helped me open my throat chakra, boy did it feel empowering.

  • @CG-gp2gc
    @CG-gp2gc 4 года назад +22

    "I don't have to tolerate being abused!" Thank you! ;D

  • @whitleycargill2790
    @whitleycargill2790 4 года назад +69

    I never could see the bigger picture. This video on standing up for myself as well as another from Women of Impact about an ex-secret service agent's tactics to stay calm and confident under pressure gave me the gift of foresight. I CAN FINALLY PLAN OUT THE FUTURE, instead of getting scared in the middle of danger and crumbling to escape. Thank you Lisa. 🧡

    • @blueshoes915
      @blueshoes915 4 года назад +5

      Oooo..Thank you for sharing. I’m going to watch that Women of Impact episode. I am so glad you have learned these skills and are able to implement them. It gives me hope I can do the same. Much love to you. 💕

  • @abbymartin554
    @abbymartin554 4 года назад +19

    That experiment Lisa talked about regarding the babies and their emotionally unavailable and blank-faced mothers hurt my heart and spirit so much. They couldn’t pay me enough to do that to my babies-even if it’s for a few minutes. I couldn’t bear to see their little faces-confused and hurt by my indifference and silent treatment. This is how we, even as adults, feel when our narcissistic spouse acts this way towards us. At least we have the tools (thanks to Lisa) to deal with that. But children don’t and it’s heart-wrenching to think about-experiment or not.

    • @blgallas
      @blgallas 3 года назад +3

      Agonizing to even hear it

    • @sondraroberts-stott8206
      @sondraroberts-stott8206 3 года назад +3

      Me too...I felt pain!!

    • @maureenbanks3702
      @maureenbanks3702 3 года назад +1

      That experiment was evil & unnecessary.

    • @abbymartin554
      @abbymartin554 3 года назад +3

      Agreed. I can’t even walk past my cat without some kind of acknowledgment or a pat on the head. Can’t imagine disregarding a baby. My baby-ANY baby for that matter.

    • @RicardoLopez-ts3sr
      @RicardoLopez-ts3sr 3 года назад +1

      I knew I wasn't crazy. I know what I saw and would call it out. Told my mom about how my wife does this to hurt me and the baby too. I knew when she didnt answer phone, left me, go out and didnt see her I would have anxiety attacks till I saw her. Have nightmares at nigh. She starded doing this to the baby throwing her in the bed. Baby starded crying calling out for her. Didnt want nobody to touch her exept mom. Till I would make her pick up are daughter. The baby crying for her waking in the middle of th night traumatized like me. I said what kind of mother/parent would do this. Do they have no love for their kids. Do they even have compassion or feelings to do that to their baby. I said if she does that to the baby and don't care. Why would she care about doing it to me. Mom immediately put her head down in shame cause she knew she also did this to me when I was younger.

  • @lrowlands53
    @lrowlands53 2 года назад +6

    I love the idea of being able to say to someone with clarity and honesty, "I accept that you don't respect or value me. Goodbye." I'm doing it!

  • @mistyladywatching2557
    @mistyladywatching2557 4 года назад +25

    You are so clean in your presentation, that it is a real benefit to your followers. At 72, you are spelling out my life, marriages, and family; to the extent, that I have changed my thinking on each relationship I have ever been in. The traps that they set, are not obvious to us when a person is a narcissist. You will never know how many lives you have changed to understand what response is a healthy and positive emotional reaction. Thank you so very much!

  • @cynthiabiel7714
    @cynthiabiel7714 4 года назад +15

    I always say that good people know when not to take advantage of another.....I do not like to think that MOST people will take advantage or push someone around who has weak boundaries.....

    • @leahweinberger583
      @leahweinberger583 3 года назад +3

      You are correct Most good ppl won't come in and rob you blind..but you do know the ones that will are out there so you lock your doors and buy a burger alarm. Self Protection is a self loving behavior.

  • @l.s.squirrel4226
    @l.s.squirrel4226 4 года назад +16

    I grew up in a household with TWO narcissists. Listening to this, I realized the adult narcissist only showed empathy for what the child narcissist was putting me through as a hoover for me or an attempt to control the child narcissist; they never actually did anything to prevent or change it, and they acted as if *I* was the one who needed professional help when I rebelled against living in that situation--yup, it was my fault, not either of theirs. I have a certain amount of sympathy for the child narcissist today (we're both adults) realizing the adult narcissist made them that way, but low-contact is still the best I can offer either of them.

  • @halfmoonyogi4997
    @halfmoonyogi4997 2 года назад +1

    i read back to my journal entries from 2020, 2 years ago, and also the time of this video being posted. I found an entry about a coworker at my old job who kept speaking to me very disrespectfully. He'd always respond to things I said with "What are you stupid?" "Are you an idiot?" I told him I picked up a side gig during covid and so I wasn't available on certain days. He said "What are you an idiot? You'd rather get paid by a second job than work overtime?" I wrote about how I'd feel so uncomfortable but freeze and not know what to say other than people pleasing. I journaled about it enough that one day I noticed in the moment and said, "I don't tolerate being called names." Another time I said, "Is calling me a dumbass your way of making friendly banter? Because I find it very off-putting and disrespectful." Another time I said, "I don't want to talk to you if you are going to speak to me in that way." He got the message after a while, and most importantly, I now look back and can't believe I EVER had anyone speak to me in this way without immediately telling them off.

  • @Canaday291
    @Canaday291 4 года назад +18

    You described my people pleasing co dependency that started in childhood
    Where I suppressed and concealed my true feelings and emotions because if I expressed my “unimportant “feelings or needs or put up healthy boundaries I was considered selfish, thoughtless and a troublemaker and I would be invalidated dismissed ,shamed ,and guilted
    This has led into years of tolerating by having no boundaries not sticking up for myself and feeling I deserved being married to an abusive psychopath narcissist
    Ex husband that exploited , punished and preyed on my learned helplessness
    My weaknesses and vulnerabilities
    I constantly felt like I was responsible to keep the peace and make everyone else happy while I and eventually my children have all suffered at the hands of their abusive dad

  • @percubit10
    @percubit10 Год назад +1

    I have been people pleasing for all my life. Saying how to say no has been the hardest thing in my life.

  • @yepyop6106
    @yepyop6106 3 года назад +30

    My mother is a narcissist and totally undermined me with my children and now as adults they disrespect and put me down. It was like she had no idea the things she did were hurting the parent and child relationship or else didn't care. It definitely was a family pattern passed down thru the generstions. I have told my children repeatedly that I am sorry that I that I yelled and screamed too much at them that I wish could have been a better parent to them. My mom refuses to see that she did anything wrong. Even when I graduated from University with my BA, sense it was a degree in psychology and was a "soft science" compared to my younger brothers masters in electrical engineering, my accomplishments with my education dont really mean anything. I think she was secretly afraid I would figure her games out, she resented me.

    • @emilys.7953
      @emilys.7953 3 года назад +1

      I'm sure that's true. Thank you for sharing.

    • @ninamc6116
      @ninamc6116 3 года назад +1

      Sorry to hear this. My parents are why I never had children. I didn’t want to inflict on them what my parents dud

  • @JW-pb8fg
    @JW-pb8fg 2 года назад +2

    One reason I have a difficult time saying no is that I was punished for setting boundaries as a child. Example: When I was about 4 years old, without any explanation, my mom served yams for dinner one night instead of the usual white potatoes. The yam looked like a sick white potato to me...yellow and bloody-looking... of course, I didn't want to eat it. So I refused to eat it. I set a boundary. Still, there was no kind/gentle explanation about the "sick potato" or any questions or conversation about why I didn't want to eat it...only the rigid expectation that I eat it NO MATTER WHAT. All hell broke loose instead. I got yelled at so I managed to force myself to eat a bite of the "sick potato." As I tried to swallow it, I gagged and threw up. Then I was yanked out of my chair and sent to my room without dinner. This is just one example of many abuses that I went through as a child. What I learned from my very sick parents/family is that MY FEELINGS ARE NOT IMPORTANT, THAT I AM NOT IMPORTANT, THAT MY ROLE IN LIFE IS TO BE A HUMAN PUNCHING BAG FOR OTHERS and that I DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO SPEAK UP FOR MYSELF AND WHAT I WANT, BUT IF I DO, THERE WILL BE DIRE CONSEQUENCES. These sick childhood lessons stuck with me for most of adulthood and caused me a untold agony. Years of therapy and 12-step program have helped turn this around for me to some degree. Bottom line: IF PEOPLE ARE NOT FIT TO BE PARENTS, THEY SHOULD NOT HAVE CHILDREN!

  • @cheryllee4754
    @cheryllee4754 2 года назад +5

    Wow THANK you! You just described what I went thru over last 2 yrs! Living with 2 relatives-one with borderline personality & the other a narcisist! Yes it's been a huge spiritual awakening! I prayed a lot during their chaos & I felt like God was saying,"Watch now as all the masks come off & it's time for you to face the truth of who you've lived with!
    The day I nicely said I'd like my room to be off limits while I was at work. I observed signs my boundaries were not honored! It seemed like I was living in a nightmare carnival where they did everything I asked them not too!!
    Realizing they refused to respect my rights & practically la7ghed about it..I had to ask them both to move out. I suggested group family therapy they refused..so I had to face the painful truth I didn't mean as much to them as I thought if they wouldn't invest an hour of their time with me in therapy. Growing..was just not a future they saw or desired. It was difficult adjustment but truly the peace I have now is heavenly!

  • @debbiekillewald8384
    @debbiekillewald8384 3 года назад +8

    This is so true. I keep ending up with bosses who seem to be narcissistic. It feels like if I stick up for myself then there's repercussions. But there is anyway so I might as well stick up for myself. I know I don't deserve the treatment. I'm also not a mind reader.

  • @karenlamontagne9617
    @karenlamontagne9617 3 года назад +9

    I'm astounded right now. You are describing me to a T. I have never been able to stand up for myself and not feel guilty about it. I've always felt disapproval from family and friends whenever I've tried to stand up for myself. I thought it was just my personality that I would freeze when people were rude or unkind

  • @olenamaksymchuk1351
    @olenamaksymchuk1351 4 года назад +86

    Dear Lisa, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, books, advise and support! very kind of you to do so...

  • @beverleyuntiedt1777
    @beverleyuntiedt1777 4 года назад +56

    Last night my narc. said something totally exaggerated and bitchy about a friend. I called him out and told him that it was untrue and uncalled for. He has gaslighted me for years causing unspeakable hurt and pain.

    • @whitleycargill2790
      @whitleycargill2790 4 года назад +11

      Good for you. Baby steps to the mile of being liberated from him. You did a great job choosing to stand your ground and of you were hurt or punished because of that you didnt deserve it and you are not the one at fault. Proud of you. 👏🏾

    • @davidmalchik9857
      @davidmalchik9857 4 года назад +10

      I see a complicated issue. On one hand, it is good to assert yourself, to feel like you have a self to protect. On the other hand, engaging with a truly narcissistic person in the normal way of asserting yourself will never “work” if the person truly is narcissistic. The conversation will feed their narcissistic “supply” and will not improve the situation. Narcissism exists on a scale which complicates things a bit.
      Hopefully you see points i am trying to make about “calling out” a person you suspect to be a narcissist. Good for you to feel assertive. Sounds like you still need recovery time or experience to handle next steps. You are in the tunnel...keep going to the light. :)
      Consider journaling...a conversation with yourself as opposed to a conversation with a person you see as a narcissist.

    • @hotspark78
      @hotspark78 4 года назад +2

      Honestly, calling him out will only make him hide it better next time. It is his character unfortunately as all narcissists. My ex used to talk crap about his close friend all the time. They are just POS

    • @joannmiddleton1319
      @joannmiddleton1319 4 года назад

      And I guess you should have left him a long time ago instead of trying to play a victim that you have allowed for yourself

    • @elainebines6803
      @elainebines6803 3 года назад

      Gaslighted you for years yet you only told him last night - well hopefully the light bulb has only just gone on then

  • @clairenj8751
    @clairenj8751 4 года назад +40

    High School and college "associates" horrible treatment.....horrible words....
    horrible behaviour. I walked away, yet they always show up in my business....funerals, sickness, new grandchild. They just just show up like bullies and battle-axes. No boundaries, no respect, no class.

    • @tmo.48
      @tmo.48 4 года назад +7

      Keep smiling and WALK gently awaaaay❤️

    • @clairenj8751
      @clairenj8751 4 года назад +2

      @@tmo.48 😳 At the funeral ?

    • @bradmcewen
      @bradmcewen 4 года назад +8

      Yep. Class reunions ? No thanks.

    • @clairenj8751
      @clairenj8751 4 года назад +4

      @@bradmcewen Noooo. Not class reunions. I do not go.
      They show up when there is a funeral in my family or a birth, etc.

    • @marty.l
      @marty.l 3 года назад +10

      It's really not your problem. Stop giving 2 sh*ts about what they think or feel. They don't matter. You do you; what you want and where you are going. Stop looking for acceptance and love. Love and accept yourself instead. Limit your contact with toxic people and call them out when they cross the line. Get comfortable with confrontation. Most people are full of sh*t.

  • @eiffeltower1266
    @eiffeltower1266 3 года назад +13

    self awareness is key, Respect yourself, your feelings matter, listen to them!

  • @shusain7233
    @shusain7233 4 года назад +25

    So true statement about getting freezed in the moment and not able to deal with the situation

  • @dr.mindful2345
    @dr.mindful2345 4 года назад +37

    What a synchronicity! I had a situation at work today where a patient crossed a boundary by not holding the distance and putting his chair near me and taking down his mask, telling me "It is still 1,5m, enough for corona!". The conversation hadn't even started and he came in and crossed a line, I told him he can leave the addiction unit and the hospital and that he wont get an admission in my unit. He became agressive and I had to call the security people, I was scared as hell, because the door was behind him and I had no possibility to leave the room. Luckily he left on his own. I was just standing there and looking in his eyes. He probaly did to me what was done to himself because he has a history of trauma and boundary violation.

    • @reesedaniel5835
      @reesedaniel5835 3 года назад +5

      "Once the herd accepts mandatory forcible vaccination, it's game over! They will accept anything, such as forcible blood and organ donation....... for the "greater good." We can genetically modify children and sterilize them. -- for the "greater good." Control sheep minds and you control the herd. Vaccine makers stand to make billions, and many of you in this room are investors. It's a big win-win!! We thin out the herd and the herd pays us for providing extermination services. Now, what's for lunch, huh?" ~Henry Kissinger in a speech to the World Health Council on Eugenics, Feb 25, 2009

    • @reesedaniel5835
      @reesedaniel5835 3 года назад +5

      By wearing a mask based on the media/governments fear mongering propaganda campaign aka the "Covid" nonsense, you are choosing to obey the satanic system by participating in its sorceries. Vaccines are NOT of God. Do you see hazmat containers on every street corner?? Do you see dead people laying in the streets (in real life, not on the Tell A Lie Vision which is pure theater)>?? No? Why? BECAUSE ITS COMPLETE BULLSHIT! ITS THE ORDINARY FLU. WAKE UP BEFORE THE LAST VESTIGAGES OF YOUR FREEDOM (AND MINE) ARE TAKEN AWAY BECAUSE OF YOUR SMUG AND WILLFUL IGNORANCE!!!!!!
      The two most destructive forces to mankind are fear and stupidity. The government runs on both.
      Want to Make a Lie Seem True? Say It Again. And Again. And Again......
      Welcome to the “illusory truth effect,” a glitch in the human psyche that equates repetition with truth. Most people are dumber than a bag of hammers and dumb people create enslavement for ALL PEOPLE by believing the propaganda of evil communists who hate them and wearing communist muzzles over their mouths. Remember a few years back when all the sold out celebrities and musicians were doing the "shhhhh" symbol over their mouths with their finger? Same thing symbolically. Keep quiet, don't speak the truth, go along with the lie.

    • @goddessglow6996
      @goddessglow6996 3 года назад +2

      Because people don’t believe in this ‘plandemic’

    • @mrsp8999
      @mrsp8999 3 года назад +1

      Very stressful for you. I was in a queue this morning and a man walked through it without a mask on. I calmly mentioned to him that he needed a face mask inside the building. He worked himself up into a frenzy being verbally threatening,abusive and aggressive. I stayed calm throughout, but I’ve been in survival ever since. It was so frightening how I processed the incident to mean my personal safety is at risk beyond the event. Still working on feeling safe again. Why do I do this?

    • @LoveFaithLive
      @LoveFaithLive 3 года назад +1

      @@mrsp8999 Because you care, and thank you!

  • @robinhatfield7015
    @robinhatfield7015 2 года назад +1

    Thanks! This is Robin Simmons

  • @lopezbernadine82
    @lopezbernadine82 4 года назад +36

    It is extremely uncomfortable to set boundaries and to reinforce them. Thank you for this timely video. I character assassinated and I regret it. I sent the message in such a knee jerk reaction. I feel horrible.

    • @stevenhoog1
      @stevenhoog1 4 года назад +12

      Not when you become aware that the sick feelings in your gut IS NOT THEM TAKING ADVANTAGE.
      Its you not standing up for yourself.

    • @nicolahacking2623
      @nicolahacking2623 4 года назад +15

      I agree,but at 56 am forcing myself to confront the boundary pushers.I don't want to spend any more time being walked over.

    • @lopezbernadine82
      @lopezbernadine82 4 года назад +6

      Since my mother died, my father needs help. My sister and I have an estranged relationship. It's been a power play trying to care for dad. It's too much to layout here but it's been difficult .

    • @Sapphirezkillahitz13
      @Sapphirezkillahitz13 4 года назад +4

      Steven Hoog I was wondering I have bad issues with my stomach bad issues standing up bad issues from childhood ... I was silenced ...

    • @Sapphirezkillahitz13
      @Sapphirezkillahitz13 4 года назад +4

      lopezbernadine82 that’s the hardest part is trying to understand how family can act like that ... but it doesn’t mean anything to them n they know it means the world to you n they will try to hurt with it ...

  • @marytaylorentertainer3435
    @marytaylorentertainer3435 4 года назад +26

    I am so amazed by your flow of thought and how effortlessly you teach such wisdom. Thank you for doing this no doubt so much healing is happening because of it.

  • @lashundatibbs-tate2864
    @lashundatibbs-tate2864 4 года назад +38

    I love how you break things down, you break it down to where anyone listening could comprehend and benefit from this. I love how you just get right to it. You have helped me recognize so much about myself. I had been told I was codependent when I was younger but it was described as a person raised by a substance abuser. I didn't understand that because my mom wasn't a SA but my maternal grandfather was an alcoholic. The therapist said that made me codependent. Now that I have your break down of it, it makes more sense to me. It even makes the previous definition I had make more sense, because it ties together. Thanks Lisa

  • @valariecrebbs4751
    @valariecrebbs4751 4 года назад +7

    Some people think they can walk all over you, thanks for bringing this up, I can learn more.

  • @NannyOggins
    @NannyOggins 4 года назад +14

    I definitely do what you comment on at the 16 minute mark, I expect people to take a hint rather than flatly set boundaries, I also get bewildered when people agree a set of “rules” for an occasion, task or favour and then flatly disregard them, getting angry when I then refuse to fulfill my part of the bargain!

    • @donnaarney543
      @donnaarney543 2 года назад

      Always happens with narc. I started screaming and running at them with with fists flying. The bitches do back up.
      I also warned that my best friend "crow" last name "bar" is ready to handle the situation.

  • @gillb9222
    @gillb9222 Год назад +2

    As some one who suffered from S abuse throughout my whole childhood at the hands of my stepfather. I got to 45 being terrified of saying no to approaches of that kind. I would even if I didn't want to because I had no idea how to handle it. I was generally an assertive person but I had no idea how to manage that. I felt so dirty, ashamed and guilty. I guess I still can't handle it so now I never put myself in any situation that could put me in that position. That early conditioning goes extremely deep

  • @starlingswallow
    @starlingswallow 4 года назад +12

    I'm 40 and I'm learning about myself 💗 Just had a recent conversation with my mom and dad. My husband and I wanted to have a visit with them over the phone and my mom wondered with my dad if we were calling to ask for $. My dad heard her and assumed that's why we were calling. He called and launched into this whole weird speech about work and how he held down 3 jobs at one point, blah blah blah. We had no idea why he was going on and on about this? At one point he called me "Part-Time Jenn". I got pissed. I reminded him of all the FT jobs I've had, the EIGHT YEARS I ran a business with my Narc ex, working 60+ hours a week due to my abusive ex workaholic 😡 my dad WORKED for us!! Did he just forget?! WTH?! His comments were abusive. And would have crushed me if I hadn't been working on my self esteem and self worth the last 2 years. My dad assumed things and didn't even bring it to the table in a healthy way. My mom sat on the line and said _nothing._ 😡
    Whatever. I'm healthy....they aren't there yet.

  • @sunflower6434
    @sunflower6434 2 года назад +1

    regarding the wrinkle comment, (the memory), that reminds me of that saying, "Death by a thousand cuts", small snark comments like that (like a jig saw puzzle), paints a picture bigger picture in our minds and each negative comment, kills us slowly, especially when they ( your parent, partner) are meant to love us and protects us from the big bad world - but the enemy is in your home.

  • @hermanoamericano
    @hermanoamericano 3 года назад +14

    Best life coach ever. Thank you for what you do."Life is holographic." I'll never forget that.

  • @presentlybikepacking2535
    @presentlybikepacking2535 4 года назад +47

    EQ is as important as IQ. Namaste 🙏🏻

    • @drrydog
      @drrydog 4 года назад +1

      read wrong the first time lol.. edgy

    • @joannmiddleton1319
      @joannmiddleton1319 4 года назад +1

      Please get a degree before you counsel others you're only speaking out of your own experience which could mislead people please find a real job go to work everyday like everybody else

    • @asandove7896
      @asandove7896 3 года назад

      Beautifully stated 👏

    • @Alphacentauri819
      @Alphacentauri819 2 года назад +1

      @@joannmiddleton1319 wow.
      Shaming and denigrating others says more about what's within you....than anything about them.
      It's like you're inadvertently confessing to self loathing. I hope you can heal.
      Moving along. EQ is at least as important as IQ. Maybe you could've investigated a wee bit, prior to your egoic posturing.
      -❤️someone who has studied psychology (including much regarding EQ) for decades, worked in medicine for over a decade & am now pursuing a PhD in neuroscience.
      Are those enough "qualifications" for you, majesty?

  • @lisadee9749
    @lisadee9749 2 года назад +5

    Lisa, this really hit home with me today. So, I spoke up to my son. Stood my truth and ended the conversation with "We can agree to disagree. That is okay." But I had the conversation and spoke my truth. Huge!!!

  • @Bijou_248
    @Bijou_248 2 года назад +1

    8:11 -> "... Iet's it be known they're not happy with this child ... you will see shame wash over the child "
    Long and rewarding journey back to wholeness.
    Thank you Lisa 🙏🌸

  • @SOSM209
    @SOSM209 2 года назад +3

    After listening to Lisa, one of my Digital Life Coach. Its a Mind Flip, a Relabel that Penetrates into deep Emotion, giving you Great Confidence in yourself. Im Grateful my Eyes are being Opened

  • @nathalieperez8093
    @nathalieperez8093 4 года назад +59

    You look beautiful 55 thriving and gorgeous I love it

  • @aliceroberts1980
    @aliceroberts1980 4 года назад +32

    This is great but narcissistic people never will do any of this

    • @tmo.48
      @tmo.48 4 года назад +34

      Can’t worry about what they do. Just stay firm with what you do

    • @leahweinberger583
      @leahweinberger583 3 года назад

      @Stephanie Windler truth

  • @SydMountaineer
    @SydMountaineer 3 года назад +2

    Many, (if not most) people have been taught that speaking up for yourself is the same thing as being mean, being that big grisly bear like you mentioned. I don't know how many times I've had to explain this to numerous people who truly think that it is rude or mean to stick up for themselves, and they truly believe it will cause the situation to get worse and that if that happens, that it will be THEIR fault. It's sad how parents (especially in our culture) do not teach their children anything about emotional health.

  • @TaniaMarie424
    @TaniaMarie424 4 года назад +25

    Thank you Lisa!! My boundaries are growing, strong, and I feel confident! I’m continuing to work daily on myself and I’m worth it! 😊❤️

  • @errolpippin6036
    @errolpippin6036 2 года назад +1

    I am 57 year old male on self development journey and have been navigating all of the resources out there and I have to tell you I hang on every word you say because I feel the truth in what you offer and I want to thank you personally every bit of info you offer is right I can feel it to my core so I would like to thank you for everything you do.

  • @GemintheMud
    @GemintheMud 3 года назад +5

    Thank you as ever, Lisa. I'm now able to hold and honour my boundaries like an adult, but recognise that I still codependently find myself justifying myself to the oher person - but at least I'm conscious of this. I allow myself the time to feel my feelings even if the other person is needing to instantly mend what has been broken and am honouring my original gut reaction when the other person continues to not respect what I'm asking for because they think they know me better than I know myself. Also, even though I hear and understand their explanation / excuse for forgetting that I'd set a boundary, I won't be rushed into forgiveness until I feel they're actually beginning to take me seriously and aren't motivated by making themselves feel better. I find all of this utterly draining, though, and by the end of communications the wheels start coming off and I start minimizing myself or putting myself down because that's what I'd always done. It takes time, I guess, to master the skill of holding your boundaries . It's exhausting and frustrating.

  • @VEE-rd7cu
    @VEE-rd7cu 3 года назад +1

    Many relationships have ended when I stood up for myself; lies have been manufactured and I consciously knew, it was time to detach.

  • @gloriadonahue7241
    @gloriadonahue7241 4 года назад +15

    I stick up for myself, but in the wrong way! I don't know how to stick up for myself because I never learned how to. I am so frozen and flustered I just end up screaming at the top of my lungs. I need to learn how to stick up for myself properly. Later I feel so horrible because I just made a complete ass of myself.

    • @tmo.48
      @tmo.48 4 года назад +1

      O well, just apologize and accept that you are only human. There is great strength in a well chosen apology❤️

  • @sparkely1122
    @sparkely1122 3 года назад +1

    I grew up in a violent, alcoholic, neglectful home. My mom passed 2.5 years ago. Im now finally able to be an adult and stand up for myself. My narc abusive sibling was the first on my list to remove for my life. Once I told her I have boundaries if she wants to stay in my life . She said "BOUNDARIES? YOUR FUCKING CRAZY" haha so block delete buh bye! She ended up convincing the rest of my family to treat me horribly or not speak to me because I dont want to speak with her lol.. so I sit here left completely alone. However I no longer being emotionally abused and im growing stronger EVERYDAY! I have beautiful friends and a husband who deeply love me and im so grateful xo

  • @kaystephens2672
    @kaystephens2672 3 года назад +3

    This video is phenomenal.Thank you for throwing people a life raft. I always thought it was because of what the neighbors would think. Thank you for helping me and so many others. You took your dysfunctional past and turned it around to truly help yourself get healthy and others like you. You are truly an inspiration in helping people where there is a huge need in helping our society heal. Thank you for this video. You really do have to accept the truth as what you feel and stop trying to avoid that by always letting everyone else decide the truth for you. When I was 11 my mom told me I had to respect my elders. When I asked her "All of them?" Her answer was yes. Need I say more. What a horrible way to go thru life. Thanks once again.

  • @amandacolettemerrill5611
    @amandacolettemerrill5611 4 года назад +23

    Thanks. Had problems all my life with my narcissistic father. Step mum got said it would be better if I left home and stayed with grandparents againwhen I was 16. My grandparents were wonderful. Stopped with grandparents until i got married at 22.
    Im 57 now and still trying to please dad and step mum and tried to fix fir years and years to be accepted.
    Dad is always victim. Narcissistic too. Cant think of anything my father has done for me. He has done loads and spent thousands on his other 2 kids with other wife. My mum died when I was 5. Grand parents took over then when step mother married my dad she took over when I was aged 14 then she shoved me out of home at age 16 then grandparents took over. Has mother in law from hell. Constantly criticized me in my marriage but no more.... boundaries set in about 6 months ago. They hate it.

    • @daisy7066
      @daisy7066 4 года назад +1

      You were their narc supply. You were probably also their "medication". One of them should now start spiralling downhill & get help, or they'll take it out on each othe and break up.

    • @amandacolettemerrill5611
      @amandacolettemerrill5611 3 года назад

      @Stephanie Windler thanks x

  • @kattfranklin6933
    @kattfranklin6933 4 года назад +14

    Lisa,
    Most important thing to help woman of her age and generation how to plan for having nothing.
    Your Mom like me had a job. When she and I were growing up, they were totally responsible since providing a roof over her children's head.
    Men had the power of money.
    If she made him mad, he could dump you and her on the street.
    Men has the lease/house, car and bank account in their names. Society always stood by the man and child support does not provide (if received at all).
    That is why most homeless women have minor children.

    • @aimee8428
      @aimee8428 4 года назад +1

      I live with this threat of homeless if I leave. He would not let me finish college, so now I cant get a higher paying job and have to stay. Thank goodness it is only occasional verbal and not physical.

    • @courtneyb3447
      @courtneyb3447 3 года назад

      @@aimee8428 there are online schools. Don't give up. It's hard but one step at a time. God bless you

  • @TheBigStarz
    @TheBigStarz 3 года назад +2

    I love how narcs accuse you of the exact thing they are doing. It's like clockwork.

  • @falconbritt5461
    @falconbritt5461 4 года назад +6

    Thank you, great video. I refer a lot of people to your work because you stay down to earth.
    "I feel..." is such a good way to begin sentences! It's so much more constructive (and self-responsible), so much more likely to lead to good constructive cooperative outcomes, than the accusatory pattern so many use in arguments. Accusatory like, "You did... " - sometimes even with name calling or pejorative statements like "that was an a-------- thing to do!" - is such an unhealthy approach, but we learn it from narcissistic parents or partners, that blame game we don't even realize we're running as a verbal assault.
    "I feel... when you..." also avoids another narcissist pattern of telling people in command form what to do or not do, "Don't ever do that to me again!" We can often get a caring person to change their behavior if we feel hurt by it, but not by attacking them. If you really want them not to do it again, don't attack them, tell them "I feel..." and maybe even explain how your childhood training makes that hurt so bad for you (don't offer this insight into your past to a narcissist, of course; they not only won't really care but will store it away to use against you later).
    And if the person doesn't change their unkind behavior, sometimes we have to look at whether we are taking responsibility for our own emotions too. Happiness is an inside job, after all. People with abandonment issues and codependency can expect too much from others because they're seeking enmeshment or the parenting they never had. For example, "I want you to sit on the sofa and watch sitcoms with me all evening so I feel comforted, even if that bores you and we're not interacting. Even if you're aching to use that time to write that book you're wanting to write, so your life has more meaning" is an enmeshment codependency thing. It's helpful to find activities to do together that are enjoyable to both, so you do spend some time together, of course, but neediness and expectations that go with it can be sabotaging and unfair to the partner. It's not their job to play babysitter. Unless we're living in a complete emotional desert in the relationship (they never want to spend time with us or be touched, for example) it's our job as an emotionally mature adult to find a hobby or learn to meditate so we can fill our own bucket, not just cling to them to make us feel okay or happy.
    So yeah, negotiations are important. Sometimes they can even lead to us examining our own patterns and growing healthier for the long term, like away from enmeshment. And "I feel..." is the best sentence starter, for sure. Thank you!

  • @robinhatfield7015
    @robinhatfield7015 2 года назад +1

    Lisa this is Robin Simmons- thank you for your daily teaching and motivation

  • @pennylane5404
    @pennylane5404 4 года назад +6

    This so resonates feeling emotional as I hear this is exactly how I am. I have started to stick up for myself but I know I don’t do it the right way. I get aggressive because I feel pushed to my limit.

    • @EEsYouTubeChanel
      @EEsYouTubeChanel 2 года назад +1

      I like that we are all saying the same things! I do that too it’s seriously SO HARD to stay gentle with people who appear to insist on repeatedly violating a boundary!

  • @karenangel6989
    @karenangel6989 2 года назад +1

    Saying hey knock it of, rarely stops a bully from doing what they please, you virtually would have to punch their lights out. Bullies are not normal, they don’t have the capacity to judge their own behaviour.

  • @lisaowens2523
    @lisaowens2523 4 года назад +6

    This is a fantastic video on a subject so needed for us empaths. I actually put it into action today when a huge boundary was crossed and I had to stand up for myself. I am prepared for the consequences, which may be significant. Thank you, Lisa.

  • @sunflower6434
    @sunflower6434 2 года назад +1

    exactly - this is an adult process, of becoming an adult, and letting go of our childhood traumas and childhood memories, of how helpless we felt, and all the other things we felt due to our parents conscious and non-conscious behaviors towards us. Now its become our job (as adults) to undo all the things our parents did to us consciously or non-consciously.
    I saw that video, it was very informative, the mother playing and laughing with her child and then she just stops, smiling, laughing at the child and the child visually sees that mum has a different demeanour and the child visually picks up on it and it starts to cry, and then one minute later the mother goes back to smiling and laughing and engaging with the child and the child goes back to laughing and smiling with the mother.... so it does shows how much we pick up visually, intuitively, how much our environment effects us.
    I love your videos Lisa, (I been with you since day one.) Watching your video to me, its like having a great open conversation with a truly trusting, understanding friend/sister who just understand everything you are going through and we are growing together like great friends do.

  • @danielraypickrel4316
    @danielraypickrel4316 4 года назад +5

    This is
    This is what I need
    "This is what I need, to say....".
    I could say that
    more, often.

  • @Midnightstar567
    @Midnightstar567 2 года назад +2

    The feeling of calling someone out makes me feel bad for them for some reason even if they are being mean so i just give it 3 chances for them which then leads me to blow up

  • @SydMountaineer
    @SydMountaineer 3 года назад +3

    When I first started learning about how to deal with verbal & emotional abuse, and learning about setting boundaries , I truly believed that I should just not show emotion, and not react to the abuse, to not say anything at all. But that did not work, because there's much more to it than that alone - it was just showing them that they had to work harder to get me to react, which made them work even harder and made it more severe, and mostly, it put a ton of pressure on me, thinking that I had to just be stronger and to take the abuse without it affecting me, like an inhuman amount of strength, like I had to be a robot with no human feelings. So, like the skills that Lisa teaches, there's much more to it than just not engaging with the abuser or narcissist. Some people will react positively to boundaries, some won't, and it depends on how to stick up for yourself properly.

  • @DosBear
    @DosBear 2 года назад +1

    You look great for 55 and are one of my main go to people for advice on this subject. Thank you.

  • @MadiRoss91
    @MadiRoss91 4 года назад +12

    I started to pay for counselling though have now quit as RUclips is free and I find content such as yours much more insightful than what I was paying for!!!!! 💙

    • @sondraroberts-stott8206
      @sondraroberts-stott8206 3 года назад +1

      YES YEA YES A THOUSAND TIMES OVER!!I can watch this ALL DAY not just have 45 mins of trauma with a person who does not know me at all!! Who makes me pay 100 dollars!!!

  • @ninamc6116
    @ninamc6116 3 года назад +2

    Excellent information Lisa. The story of my life. Both my parents were narcissists. I’m almost 57 & still have to listen to my mom’s crap. Good advice for me dealing with her.

  • @ladylyte
    @ladylyte 4 года назад +20

    You are God sent!

  • @jkyle4700
    @jkyle4700 2 года назад

    55???😲😲😲 you look stunning. On other hand, thank you so much for this video, often times people don't have anybody to talk to about this, or if there is anybody, its most likely another empath which is simply not able to provide the context needed. Your videos are coherent and well put together to understand. We have realised that both of us, my husband and me, have been controled by narc for years! It is sooooo liberating to finally understand what was going on.

  • @Trissa.33
    @Trissa.33 4 года назад +16

    Thanks for mentioning the spiritual aspect, Lisa, that part is really important to my own path through life. Helps a lot to hear what you said about it.

  • @susanhewitt5602
    @susanhewitt5602 3 года назад +1

    When I was a kid, I was often the adult in the room whilst I was only 7 years old! I was the peace negotiator and my feelings weren't even considered! I would say anything to stop the fighting or yelling, so I learned to be a people pleaser at a young age. I'm still trying to overcome the trauma of my childhood