I have a life time of experience with this topic. I grew up in a home where my mom was a stay at home parent and my dad was horribly financially abusive and it has definitely made me a nervous person about money and relationships. If my dad makes money, he wants to spend it on himself, not taking into account the family. Example: My mom would sit aside a little money for back to school shopping or an upcoming family expense. My dad would find the money and buy himself something he did not actually need with the money just because he saw money so why not spend it. Then when my mom would ask him about it he would get incredibly defensive and yell at her and blame her for it. The amount of times I heard dad tell my mom he made all the money, he owned the house, and thus he owned her livelihood were FAR too numerous. I'm 23 and have been on my own in New York for over a year and my mom laments that she cannot afford to leave her relationship because it takes months for her to just to save a few hundred dollars for herself. I've offered my apartment and to buy her a plane ticket but she's never been financially independent so she's just too terrified. Thanks for the video. I feel like this never gets talked about but it such an important topic...
Hello Madeline, I've been and am in a very similar situation, I'm 24 and I'd really like to know how you have managed to be on NY on your own. I need to do my life freely
I watched my parents go through the same thing. I'm currently in a relationship and want to make sure we have a healthy financial relationship as well.
This happened between my parents. My dad tried to keep my mom from finishing school and getting a job blaming it on her needing to care for my brother and I. Luckily, my mom got out when I was young but it could’ve gotten much worse without her parents’ support.
It has been 4 years since your comment... None of my business but if you do care to share I would love to know how your mother is doing now? I sympathize with her , as I am in a similar situation.
Another aspect of financial abuse is using emotional manipulation or blackmail to take a majority or all of your income. Using guilt trips in order to condition you into saving large amounts to give to them, forgoing basic needs in order to do so. It's similar to controlling expenses but in a different aspect. This I've seen more with familial relationships than romantic ones. Which can sometimes make it even more impossible to stop
Gosh I recognize this. My husband had no pay slips or statements no transparency with money. Even though I paid nearly all the Bill's. He kept buying new cars splurging on everything. I put up with this for years. He was super at getting what he wanted. He has be siphoning off money by getting cash back when using card for joint account. Mind it only took 16 years to have a joint a count. Now 37 years later I can no longer take the gaslighting the passive aggressive behaviour. Much much too late, at great financially and emotional cost I am leaving. But better late than never.😘
As someone who was financially abused, I actually had no idea that financial abuse was a “thing” until I left. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR MAKING PEOPLE AWARE OF THIS!!! This can happen to ANYONE regardless of what they look like, who they are, or where they are economically. I was gone six months before the IRS reached out to me to let me know that my spouse had inappropriately filed my taxes (and yes only my portion of the taxes) purposefully all in order to receive a larger refund. I am the one paying for it in the long run. A single mom, with no help at all from the father and the man who abused her evading and not having to pay a dime in the meantime. Don’t ever stop informing people 💙💙💙
I may not have been in a financially abused, but I saw a few of these signs done by my previous group of friends (I cut them off ages ago). making me feel guilty for spending, for working and not giving them enough time, and trying to control my behavior. It was horrible. this is a very important video thank you for making it I learned something.
Thank you so much for making this video! I know people feel awkward talking about finances (even with friends and family), and talking about finances in a relationship can be even more challenging. It seems like knowing the red flags can also make you more aware of your own financial behaviours, and help you to make sure both you and your partner are in good financial places. Thank you again! :D Great work!
Financial abuse is ALSO when spouse spends too much on consumer goods and services than the other spouse brings home. It is call overspending beyond's family budget. The spouse who spends too much simply does not have the empathy to realize the situation.
It’s worth mentioning here that I had a fiancé who had a job that laid him off for the summer. I had to work two jobs to pay the bills and keep food on the table. He refused to get a summer job or do housework. So I had to work 60 hours a week and come home to a guy who sat around playing video games all day and demanded that I do half the housework. I guess it isn’t easy doing nothing at all. All the while he and his entire family regularly bitched that I’m ‘too career oriented.’ No wonder they’re all dirt poor. Um.. SEE YA!
Same problem here . Plz make a video on the fiance forcing to maintain his family financially and also pay house rent etc after marriage . Horrible abuse
I hope you left.... Daymm... 2 jobs and no appreciation? We all understand life happens and jobs get lost but to come home and then have to do house work🤦🏾♀️ that's a no to the hell no, take care of the house, release some load off of me, get to job hunting but no one is here to be another's slave...daym some ppl will suck you dry at a drop of a heart beat...
You need to address the abuse that happened in your family of origin to understand the roots of your low self worth. Anyone with a bit of self respect would not be enabling a video gaming ‘fiancé’ while working like a donkey 60 hrs a week
Amazing video, thank you. I grew up in a financially abusive household and it took more than 10 years to have a halfway decent life and we are still deep in debt. I never got any financial advice from home, so now as a 20 yo thanks to Tfd, I'm finally getting started.
I made the mistake of allowing older family members to open credit cards under my name when I was younger and it's ruined my credit. I've asked them to reduce their balance and make payments on time but it's no use. I'm going to try to apply these tips to family relationships, but maybe you can make a video specific to financially toxic families? ...Especially when you aren't a wealthy family? Anyway, I love your channel!
There you have it. Life is a competition. Winners get everything. Losers get absolutely nothing. People with more resources ALWAYS have the upper hand. No shit parents are gonna kick your ass every time.
@@Snowshowslow yes, managed to get out of one of the situations and improved my credit enough to buy a house. It wasn’t easy, but man was I in a dark place when I wrote that years ago. Thanks for your kindness!
@@sidra8987 I am so glad to hear you got out and you are doing better! :-) That is a tough hand you got dealt and it must have taken real courage and hard work to get out. But you did it :-) Thanks for replying and letting us know! Wish you the best.
Thank you for this. I grew up in an environment that was abusive in many ways, but the financial abuse and isolation were definitely the biggest tactics that my father used to break us away from the world and keep us under his power. It affects my mother negatively to this day even though he is nearly 10 years gone, and it has probably made me a little more wary than I should be. I feel like I'm still playing catch-up in terms of financial knowledge, not to mention, yknow, actual finances.
Her fiance forced me her to earn and provide money to maintain his family after her marriage with him , as well as maintaintheir home too . It is clear abuse . A man is a provider and has to maintain his wife and his family equally . Plz make a video on this .
Definitely a really important topic, glad y'all followed up on it! Two of the themes mentioned are things I've seen in a friend's parents who did end up getting divorced, so while probably not full on financial abuse, certainly toxic
Great video and great sensibility to a very underestimated topic! Only growing up (and thanks to such smart contents!) I understood how abusive, financially and emotionally, my mom has always been towards my father. Short note on the new filming location (but I'm sure you already realized during editing): light and reflections need to be a little improved ;) Girls, you rock!!!!
this is very interesting. could you do tips on the flip side, being the sole bread winner in a household and to make sure you are not the financial abuser.
Not to mention there's the angle of being the sole bread winner in a household and being financially used. I can't be the only one who had to dump a guy who was happy with spending my money and not working.
If you're sharing something big like an apt or home, you need to discuss before hand how both of you will be financially responsible for that shared item. Adding ypur name to a lease when you contribute nothing sounds empowering but it actually could just sow seeds of resentment
It feels like everytime im working at a job where I am making more money. He wants me to quit. Because he doesn’t like the job the lifestyle attached to the job. Etc. But while I am working I’m buying all the essentials all the extras aside from the 50/50 we agreed on. So when I leave these jobs where I make more money I make less. And then ask for help and he doesn’t want to give. Which makes me regret leaving such jobs in the first place. It sucks.
My last Boyfriend was working full time while I was still a University student with very little income. He was very kind and caring but he constantly wanted to order takeout when I came over, take me to dinner or buy me fancy things without me asking for it but every time we had a fight, he would use him spending all this money on me as an argument :/
Lack of transparency ! My husband been intentionally hiding and taking loans behind my back ! I don’t trust him. I have been manipulated so many times as a results I’m so anxious I don’t feel calm around him.I get angry and hurt because I know something is not right. I’m worry what he is goons do next ! He is playing victim in front friends , family .Like he is not doing anything wrong !!
My ex used to control me financially by asking me to buy her or spend on alot of frivolous things to keep up with her affluent family. I had bills and she did not.
Nice video! I was missing some advice in the situation where the partner never helps financially the home and keep asking for money regularly. How to deal with that, having to put feelings aside, somehow, and trying to make the person work and get her own money. Because building a family over this foundations, won't work..l
What about a spouse who "forgets" to pay bills all the time, then gets angry about it, fights with you and tells you the day the bill is due, they forgot. I wasn't leaving work over it. I don't have the PTO. He did and just kept thinking I would fix it. I'm a nurse so sometimes I can't just leave.
What if she doesn't want to work, wants you to pay her bills and get an allowance and you only make 60k in a expensive city? When do I get to save money I earned?
@@ricardoguerra9744 this was two years ago. She moved out finally. She was pathetic and thought she was better than me so she left. Good riddens. I ended up making more money and didn't give her any. She caused me about 15k of losses
Don’t trust a financial professional as your partner - he may be a secret gambler as I found after 10 years I had no knowledge and left my divorce with nothing ; he controlled all the bank accounts and in my divorce it wasn’t even stated as financial abuse ; moaned at me all the time about money yet was gambling and later pay day loans ; also moved us into interest only mortgage .
What if ur partner is a nit wit with money say he's spending everything he has leaving u with bills u can't afford like u really don't have enough to pay the power
Question: My SO is absolute shit with money. Penny wise, pound foolish type of shit. Easily spent $500 on huge sales when they have $501 to their name type of shit. I love them dearly but I can't comprehend joining my credit score with them or sharing an account or melding finances or anything. We've had several conversations but their spending habits don't change. They always pay their bills and are never late with their share, but they're constantly skirting that red line. I know this isn't a relationship channel, but if you guys have any advice I'd appreciate it. Thanks!
My older sister and I had a financially toxic relationship, I decided to eliminate money between us which is there is no exchange of money between us and I no longer carried cash. She used to steal from me and borrow money from me and refuse to pay it back even when I confronted her about it. I still do favors for her and sometimes buy her gifts for her and her children but I never give her money or ask her for money, is this ok? or would you guys think there might be a better solution?
What you're doing is perfectly fine! I would limit / monitor the type of "favors" you give to ensure that's not taken advantage of down the line. But, overall, it's the best solution for handling your situation. The way you are dealing with this situation is the same type of action plan Suze Orman gives out to people.
Out of interest, would it be unreasonable/toxic to try and control and monitor spending if your partner has a gambling problem? What is an appropriate way to deal with a situation like that?
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing myself. Maybe getting a third outside party to help monitor accounts like a financial advisor and well as a specialist to help with the gambling problem. Things like gambling problems or shop-a-holics lead into whole other issues when it comes to financial situations, that's for sure.
It really is a problem when one spouse isn't reliably in control of spending, for whatever reason. Hopefully the spender is able to talk openly about the problem. The obvious solution would be for the reliable one to control the money, but that leaves the other one open for abuse. Perhaps the reliable spouse could set up a trust with them as the donor and the spender as the beneficiary, with the stipulations that the money must be spent on purposes that are not [x] and disbursements to be made over time, with the stipulation that the partnership/marriage ending changes the rules of the trust. Of course you would really need to consult an attorney or financial advisor to discuss this. Edited to add: People often use trusts to secure disabled family members who are not able to support themselves and/or control their own assets. The two issues (disability and addiction) could possible be dealt with similarly.
Here is one and maybe an extreme end but it happened to my family. My uncle was the sole breadwinner of the familu but my aunt could not stop racking charges on the credit card bill. She buy expensive extrangent stuff and would not stop. My uncle ask her to take some of the stuff back. When she refuse he stop the credit cards. Now was he in the wrong in that situation?
I like this video. I am dating someone now from Nugeria and he's repeatedly told me he's going to take care of me and all the bills. But this is not the way I was raised. I make my own income and we've been having arguments every other day. I don't like his attitude with me he makes me feel like a kid or a baby 😢 I want a partner and a family and he just told me not to contact his phone anymore. Everytime I get him frustrated he gets an attitude raising his voice at me 😢😢 I don't know what to do
So I’m trying to talk to my soon to be fiancé (shh) about money but that’s the only thing that makes her uncomfortable. I have indulged in the spending and driving with her to the shops and restaurants. I haven’t disagreed with her purchasing a maxed out iPhone because she does work for her money but she is living above her means. While on the other hand I have tried to be a saver and frugal and follow the word of Graham Stephan yet I find myself indulging with her at restaurants. I have put a stop to it when the winter storm happened in February. I made it clear that these are baby steps we need to follow but she ALWAYS seems hesitant about money. She’s a good girl but I’m afraid that her 5-circle of people influence her attitude about money. The whole Megan Stallion attitude despite being the typical girl next door. Any ideas why she has these reactions towards money? I also would like to add that she is currently 22 and I’ll be 30 as of September 2021. So savings for me is a huge priority but I know she also grew up Poor so I don’t want to feel like I’m stripping her of any joys.
What's the update on this? I'm in a very similar situation. My gf(not fiancee because I will not marry a financially irresponsible person) doesn't like talking about her finances, lies about her spending and I found myself picking up the slack on groceries and going out to eat like 80% of the time. I've finally had enough and no longer take her out to eat and go grocery shopping on my own for my own food. We're basically turning into a roommate situation because of this and then she's wondering why I'm indifferent and "mad" at her.
I am in a non cohabitating relationship. We have independent finances. The other person has an unhealthy relationship with money where he doesnt want to spend any money. He rather drink at home because it cheaper than going out to a bar and see a band. He bought me nothing for Christmas. I always drive.. he saves his gasoline. Keeps the house dark to keep the electric bill low etc.. Ihavent ever met anyone so extreme.. I am total oposite.. money has no significance to me and I am happy to give away my last dollar to someone in need. He grew up in wealth, married and divorced wealth, at 59 this is his first time of being financially responsible for him self. When he was spending others money he had no issue with doing so. I think he feels he is being judged by society about how much money he does or doesnt have. Not sure how to help him wIth this.
Ugh. Dissuading. Down to taking the car keys so I can’t get to work because he actually made it a point to sell my car - me thinking I was on the title for the new vehicle. The power in my relationship is so imbalanced. We aren’t married but he constantly uses money and says I am not honest about my money. He even argued with me about closing my bank account and only having a shared acct with him. Glad I never gave in because my gut tells me I shouldn’t and can’t trust him.
I live on guard here, unfortunately, and not just financially,.. I'm struggling, I want to find a job, leave and have my own place, but am also studying... it's frustrating 'cause I desperatly want it all at the same time but I know it doesn't work like that.. it's discouraging of course. What should I prioritise? any advice... I'll apreciate Un saludo desde Argentina
do you have any skills that you can monetise from home? selling vintage items online? selling handmade products? babysitting? freelancing/ temporary work? you just have to start! please don’t give up!
Girlfriend breaks up with me once approve for her dream house. I’m begging her back saying I’ll help she telling me she doesn’t want me. Then she gets with someone else for about month…. All of sudden she returns and wants to make it work but demands half of her house down payment
I was not allowed to work, I had a little child, I had no work history, I didnt drive, i was not allowed to talk about money. I had nowhere to go. Before that relationship my mother sabotaged my attempts at working. It was my whole life experience until my later thirties. I was always told that I couldn't handle money. It was very empowering and terrifying to break free. I had no way out for me or my son when I was kept so weak. I didnt get out until my son graduated high school. My family was against me and I made poor choices in partners because I honestly knew no better.
My wife is unemployed. She drags her feet to get a job. She only wants to apply for high paying tech jobs that she is not qualified for. She doesn’t want to get regular jobs while she prepares for that tech job. I have to pay all her bills and repay money she owes other people. She loses her shit if I say I can’t pay her bills. I’m going broke. I don’t know what to do
? How you know someone is greedy? Or if someone is misbehaving with money? Or if someone is not able to steward money because of his mental stage? Lot of the times it could be that someone is undiagnosed boarderline... (fill in the blank), and you don't know why this person acts like that. Not able to pay bills on time and so on. Could you Please shed some light on that?
What if you have a partner that deliberately overspends and doesn't think about the consequences? I myself make sure all the bills get paid because if I left it to her we would end up on the streets. We share a bank account which we both have access to. I occasionally move money out of the account to cover our bills because if I didn't that money would get wasted. Would you consider myself some who is a financial abuser?
I need to know this. Me and my boyfriend have bee. Fighting about me buying a car. I bought a car three months after we started dating and he was very mad about it and said I should have gotten permission from him. He still fights me about it even though I pay all my bills that are mine and he tells me to sell it just about every month because he doesn’t like that I bought it without his permission.
You better see a psychiatrist if you need a boyfriends permission to buy something with your own money. You might be another dumb victim of a narcissist
Know of a married woman whose husband persuaded her sign his debt over to her name...She divorced him but paid the debt . She was too trusting. When someone recommends you pay their debt then this presages serious trouble
Martin Veritas On my very first date when I was 21 or so, I was jobless but asked my mom for $20 to pay for my portion of dinner when a guy asked me out. As my mom handed me the money, she said "If he asked you out, he's the one that's supposed to pay." However, I personally prefer to help pay for a date because that means I don't feel indebted and like I might be expected to give sex to pay back the favor. I feel like I have more leverage if I contribute financially. Many do feel though that whoever asks the person out should be the one to pay but many women also feel guys should do the asking...which means they're always paying. That adds up! So, what I would do and what I plan to do when I start dating again, is to ask but be specific in how I ask. Maybe something like, "I've been thinking about going to so-and-so place, wanna go with me and go halfsies on the bill?" Or something that makes it clear you're not looking to cover the full thing. It's not as glamorous as indeed covering the full tab but it's definitely more realistic. And if she has a problem with that, you can either have a frank conversation with them or start looking elsewhere. I know your comment is now a year old but hopefully things worked out and if not...maybe that tiny idea helps some :)
Q: I'm the bigger bread winner in my home, my gf and I split rent & utilities 2:3 so that I pay more. During the winter she was using the garage for her car, but in the summer I bought some workout equipment and put it in the garage along with moving the motorcycle out of the corner into a more accessible position, kind of taking over the garage from her. My justification was that since I pay more for rent & utilities that I should get more use of the garage, she still grumbles about how I did this. Am I in a financially toxic relationship?
I don't think so! It sounds like the initial reason for the uneven utility and split rent was so that you're in a partnership and you're both contributing an equal proportion of your assets. In this way, I would say that you should also share the house and utilities more or less equally. You wouldn't expect her to take shorter showers or share less of your bedroom would you? However, sometimes it can be difficult to mentally get your head around this, so if you're not comfortable about splitting things equally even if you pay more, then talk to her about going back to splitting 50/50. Talk about it - remember you can't read each other's minds!
Look at it from her point of view. That was her space and you took it over from her. Sounds like something you should have discussed and agreed on before doing it. Talk about it now. Grumbling equals resentment. Resentment is something that will come up next time you fight about anything else. Handle the situation now and resolve that conflict. Apologize for taking over the garage and work together to come to some sort of compromise.
Unfortunately, this type of disagreement is so important and delicate, that it could ruin your relationship. You should be extremely careful in dealing with this because you're allowed to mess up, but you are not allowed to not clean the mess. Look, as other people pointed out, you are with your girlfriend, not with a roomate. It is a good thing that you pay more because you earn more, that's a great start. But that shouldn't give you more power, because ideally, you want an equal relationship. Imagine you had a baby with your gf. Would you like her to decide when you see the baby, because she put more work into creating the baby than you did? A loving relationship is a place where you trust the other to love you, consider your feelings, and negotiate everything in a loving manner... it should be a place different from the corporate capitalist world, where you fight for power, it should be a place to rest from that. You should go to your gf, apologize for not talking to her before making a decision, and assert that even if you earn more, you have equal rights over everything. Life could turn around, and if one day you earn less than her, you'll be glad you will still have equal rights in your home.
Yes, and it sounds like you're the reason. Even if you pay slightly more you both live in the house, contribute to maintaining it and could not pay for it on your own. the living space should be divided 50/50, if at all ( really youre sharing with your gf someone you shouldnt mind sharing with). if you try and control, change or modify her behavior in this way because you make more money it is abuse. I would advise her to get out of the relationship. You should not dictate anyones behavior with whom you should have an equal relationship with.
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Financial abuse, Marriage is the problem. Second is money, Third is jealously, Fourth is not contribute to paying bill and making debts. Unhappy and to expect others paying bills and not contribute in that part of a relationship. Wrong expectations.
I have so much trouble finding a genuine, kind, trustworthy, and attractive women. I fear being falsely accused of sexual assault and abuse and losing everything because of it. Or being manipulated till marriage, then divorced and losing a large chunk of my portfolio. Lol, maybe i should just stay single and adopt. Too many risks...
Wait, so it is the person trying to protect their financial assets that they busted their ass to earn that is the abuser and not the other person that is spending all their money on junk?
It's so much worse now! Bought her 2 cars, she wrecked them both, got two speeding tickets. My insurance dropped me, then I was paying more for liability insurance than I was paying for full coverage before. She can't keep a job, quits after two weeks. Manipulates me into spending my money on things I don't want to spend it on. Our emergency fund keeps getting drained no matter how much I try to keep it afloat. I put the same amount in her wants as I do in mine, she ALWAYS overspends!
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As a woman being financially independent is crucial, men often use financial control to regulate behavior.
As a man, I feel it's important as well.
Could you do a video on how to maintain a healthy financial relationship between partners?
I have a life time of experience with this topic. I grew up in a home where my mom was a stay at home parent and my dad was horribly financially abusive and it has definitely made me a nervous person about money and relationships. If my dad makes money, he wants to spend it on himself, not taking into account the family. Example: My mom would sit aside a little money for back to school shopping or an upcoming family expense. My dad would find the money and buy himself something he did not actually need with the money just because he saw money so why not spend it. Then when my mom would ask him about it he would get incredibly defensive and yell at her and blame her for it. The amount of times I heard dad tell my mom he made all the money, he owned the house, and thus he owned her livelihood were FAR too numerous. I'm 23 and have been on my own in New York for over a year and my mom laments that she cannot afford to leave her relationship because it takes months for her to just to save a few hundred dollars for herself. I've offered my apartment and to buy her a plane ticket but she's never been financially independent so she's just too terrified.
Thanks for the video. I feel like this never gets talked about but it such an important topic...
Hello Madeline, I've been and am in a very similar situation, I'm 24 and I'd really like to know how you have managed to be on NY on your own. I need to do my life freely
I watched my parents go through the same thing. I'm currently in a relationship and want to make sure we have a healthy financial relationship as well.
Tell your mom to get a job. Sucks but billions do it.
This happened between my parents. My dad tried to keep my mom from finishing school and getting a job blaming it on her needing to care for my brother and I. Luckily, my mom got out when I was young but it could’ve gotten much worse without her parents’ support.
It has been 4 years since your comment... None of my business but if you do care to share I would love to know how your mother is doing now? I sympathize with her , as I am in a similar situation.
Another aspect of financial abuse is using emotional manipulation or blackmail to take a majority or all of your income. Using guilt trips in order to condition you into saving large amounts to give to them, forgoing basic needs in order to do so. It's similar to controlling expenses but in a different aspect. This I've seen more with familial relationships than romantic ones. Which can sometimes make it even more impossible to stop
KayCee Brown Yep!
Gosh I recognize this. My husband had no pay slips or statements no transparency with money.
Even though I paid nearly all the Bill's. He kept buying new cars splurging on everything. I put up with this for years. He was super at getting what he wanted.
He has be siphoning off money by getting cash back when using card for joint account. Mind it only took 16 years to have a joint a count. Now 37 years later I can no longer take the gaslighting the passive aggressive behaviour. Much much too late, at great financially and emotional cost I am leaving. But better late than never.😘
As someone who was financially abused, I actually had no idea that financial abuse was a “thing” until I left. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR MAKING PEOPLE AWARE OF THIS!!! This can happen to ANYONE regardless of what they look like, who they are, or where they are economically. I was gone six months before the IRS reached out to me to let me know that my spouse had inappropriately filed my taxes (and yes only my portion of the taxes) purposefully all in order to receive a larger refund. I am the one paying for it in the long run. A single mom, with no help at all from the father and the man who abused her evading and not having to pay a dime in the meantime. Don’t ever stop informing people 💙💙💙
A video on good financial habits to start/maintain with a live-in partner would be helpful!
I may not have been in a financially abused, but I saw a few of these signs done by my previous group of friends (I cut them off ages ago). making me feel guilty for spending, for working and not giving them enough time, and trying to control my behavior. It was horrible. this is a very important video thank you for making it I learned something.
Thank you so much for making this video! I know people feel awkward talking about finances (even with friends and family), and talking about finances in a relationship can be even more challenging. It seems like knowing the red flags can also make you more aware of your own financial behaviours, and help you to make sure both you and your partner are in good financial places. Thank you again! :D Great work!
Financial abuse is ALSO when spouse spends too much on consumer goods and services than the other spouse brings home. It is call overspending beyond's family budget. The spouse who spends too much simply does not have the empathy to realize the situation.
It’s worth mentioning here that I had a fiancé who had a job that laid him off for the summer. I had to work two jobs to pay the bills and keep food on the table. He refused to get a summer job or do housework. So I had to work 60 hours a week and come home to a guy who sat around playing video games all day and demanded that I do half the housework. I guess it isn’t easy doing nothing at all. All the while he and his entire family regularly bitched that I’m ‘too career oriented.’ No wonder they’re all dirt poor. Um.. SEE YA!
Same problem here . Plz make a video on the fiance forcing to maintain his family financially and also pay house rent etc after marriage . Horrible abuse
you should’ve kicked him out lmao
I hope you left.... Daymm... 2 jobs and no appreciation? We all understand life happens and jobs get lost but to come home and then have to do house work🤦🏾♀️ that's a no to the hell no, take care of the house, release some load off of me, get to job hunting but no one is here to be another's slave...daym some ppl will suck you dry at a drop of a heart beat...
We are in the same sitution .i do the household chores after i work .
You need to address the abuse that happened in your family of origin to understand the roots of your low self worth. Anyone with a bit of self respect would not be enabling a video gaming ‘fiancé’ while working like a donkey 60 hrs a week
Amazing video, thank you. I grew up in a financially abusive household and it took more than 10 years to have a halfway decent life and we are still deep in debt. I never got any financial advice from home, so now as a 20 yo thanks to Tfd, I'm finally getting started.
I made the mistake of allowing older family members to open credit cards under my name when I was younger and it's ruined my credit. I've asked them to reduce their balance and make payments on time but it's no use. I'm going to try to apply these tips to family relationships, but maybe you can make a video specific to financially toxic families? ...Especially when you aren't a wealthy family? Anyway, I love your channel!
Just reading this in 2019. Are you in a better place? Did you manage to close the cards and get out of the situation? I hope so :-)
There you have it. Life is a competition. Winners get everything. Losers get absolutely nothing. People with more resources ALWAYS have the upper hand. No shit parents are gonna kick your ass every time.
@@Snowshowslow yes, managed to get out of one of the situations and improved my credit enough to buy a house. It wasn’t easy, but man was I in a dark place when I wrote that years ago. Thanks for your kindness!
@@sidra8987 I am so glad to hear you got out and you are doing better! :-) That is a tough hand you got dealt and it must have taken real courage and hard work to get out. But you did it :-) Thanks for replying and letting us know! Wish you the best.
Thank you for this. I grew up in an environment that was abusive in many ways, but the financial abuse and isolation were definitely the biggest tactics that my father used to break us away from the world and keep us under his power. It affects my mother negatively to this day even though he is nearly 10 years gone, and it has probably made me a little more wary than I should be. I feel like I'm still playing catch-up in terms of financial knowledge, not to mention, yknow, actual finances.
My dad was financially abused and taken for granted in 3 marriages due to not setting boundaries. I just hope no one has to deal with that.
Guys, you’re awesome for addressing this topic! I wish my mom would have had the chance to hear this before she met my Dad
Awesome video. This is a huge problem in a lot of domestic abuse cases. Thanks for the info!
This was awesome, thanks girls for making a video on this. it's certainly an invisible issue to most people
Her fiance forced me her to earn and provide money to maintain his family after her marriage with him , as well as maintaintheir home too . It is clear abuse . A man is a provider and has to maintain his wife and his family equally .
Plz make a video on this .
@@pdkh2107 What? Who's fiance? What does it have to do with my comment 4 years later?
Thank you so much for opening up so many conversations most would not touch!
i absolutely love THE FINANCIAL DIET everything and anything you ladies do
Definitely a really important topic, glad y'all followed up on it! Two of the themes mentioned are things I've seen in a friend's parents who did end up getting divorced, so while probably not full on financial abuse, certainly toxic
Great video and great sensibility to a very underestimated topic! Only growing up (and thanks to such smart contents!) I understood how abusive, financially and emotionally, my mom has always been towards my father.
Short note on the new filming location (but I'm sure you already realized during editing): light and reflections need to be a little improved ;)
Girls, you rock!!!!
what sucks is , its my own mother who gets bummed at me for saving and investing wisely. essh.
This was good! Thanks for making it!
Excellent topic! Thank you!
is there a thing as a financial parasites in a relationship?
Thank you so much, this could save lives!
this was a really important and well executed video a+++
Thank you so much for making people aware 💕 💗
Subscribed 😊
Thank you very much for this video girls. Very important topic
this is very interesting. could you do tips on the flip side, being the sole bread winner in a household and to make sure you are not the financial abuser.
Not to mention there's the angle of being the sole bread winner in a household and being financially used. I can't be the only one who had to dump a guy who was happy with spending my money and not working.
Great video, thank you ladies
great advice ladies!
Fantastic video.
hi! thanks for the great tips!!!
love your lipsstickes!! :)
Thank you for this info
If you're sharing something big like an apt or home, you need to discuss before hand how both of you will be financially responsible for that shared item. Adding ypur name to a lease when you contribute nothing sounds empowering but it actually could just sow seeds of resentment
It feels like everytime im working at a job where I am making more money. He wants me to quit. Because he doesn’t like the job the lifestyle attached to the job. Etc. But while I am working I’m buying all the essentials all the extras aside from the 50/50 we agreed on. So when I leave these jobs where I make more money I make less. And then ask for help and he doesn’t want to give. Which makes me regret leaving such jobs in the first place. It sucks.
My last Boyfriend was working full time while I was still a University student with very little income. He was very kind and caring but he constantly wanted to order takeout when I came over, take me to dinner or buy me fancy things without me asking for it but every time we had a fight, he would use him spending all this money on me as an argument :/
Amazing!
Lack of transparency ! My husband been intentionally hiding and taking loans behind my back ! I don’t trust him. I have been manipulated so many times as a results I’m so anxious I don’t feel calm around him.I get angry and hurt because I know something is not right. I’m worry what he is goons do next ! He is playing victim in front friends , family .Like he is not doing anything wrong !!
My ex used to control me financially by asking me to buy her or spend on alot of frivolous things to keep up with her affluent family. I had bills and she did not.
I never realized that this is considered abusive. Thank y'all.
Nice video! I was missing some advice in the situation where the partner never helps financially the home and keep asking for money regularly. How to deal with that, having to put feelings aside, somehow, and trying to make the person work and get her own money. Because building a family over this foundations, won't work..l
What about a spouse who "forgets" to pay bills all the time, then gets angry about it, fights with you and tells you the day the bill is due, they forgot. I wasn't leaving work over it. I don't have the PTO. He did and just kept thinking I would fix it. I'm a nurse so sometimes I can't just leave.
What if she doesn't want to work, wants you to pay her bills and get an allowance and you only make 60k in a expensive city? When do I get to save money I earned?
Please speak on this sometimes you really want it to work but what if there's no progress after awhile
@@ricardoguerra9744 this was two years ago. She moved out finally. She was pathetic and thought she was better than me so she left. Good riddens. I ended up making more money and didn't give her any. She caused me about 15k of losses
My ex was the same
if she was doing domestic work/childcare then she’s contributing somehow
@@AkwaIbomDoll now I make more. As I stuck to my wits. Its tragic bc she was just fine for me
Don’t trust a financial professional as your partner - he may be a secret gambler as I found after 10 years I had no knowledge and left my divorce with nothing ; he controlled all the bank accounts and in my divorce it wasn’t even stated as financial abuse ; moaned at me all the time about money yet was gambling and later pay day loans ; also moved us into interest only mortgage .
What if ur partner is a nit wit with money say he's spending everything he has leaving u with bills u can't afford like u really don't have enough to pay the power
Question:
My SO is absolute shit with money. Penny wise, pound foolish type of shit. Easily spent $500 on huge sales when they have $501 to their name type of shit. I love them dearly but I can't comprehend joining my credit score with them or sharing an account or melding finances or anything. We've had several conversations but their spending habits don't change. They always pay their bills and are never late with their share, but they're constantly skirting that red line. I know this isn't a relationship channel, but if you guys have any advice I'd appreciate it. Thanks!
Maybe take a financial budget class together? Or a 3rd party financial advisor to help change their habits. Just some ideas but best of luck.
My older sister and I had a financially toxic relationship, I decided to eliminate money between us which is there is no exchange of money between us and I no longer carried cash. She used to steal from me and borrow money from me and refuse to pay it back even when I confronted her about it. I still do favors for her and sometimes buy her gifts for her and her children but I never give her money or ask her for money, is this ok? or would you guys think there might be a better solution?
What you're doing is perfectly fine! I would limit / monitor the type of "favors" you give to ensure that's not taken advantage of down the line. But, overall, it's the best solution for handling your situation. The way you are dealing with this situation is the same type of action plan Suze Orman gives out to people.
how do you get the other person to not be so obsessive that they stop getting sad when i go to work? i only work 1/2 time even.
Out of interest, would it be unreasonable/toxic to try and control and monitor spending if your partner has a gambling problem? What is an appropriate way to deal with a situation like that?
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing myself. Maybe getting a third outside party to help monitor accounts like a financial advisor and well as a specialist to help with the gambling problem. Things like gambling problems or shop-a-holics lead into whole other issues when it comes to financial situations, that's for sure.
It really is a problem when one spouse isn't reliably in control of spending, for whatever reason. Hopefully the spender is able to talk openly about the problem. The obvious solution would be for the reliable one to control the money, but that leaves the other one open for abuse. Perhaps the reliable spouse could set up a trust with them as the donor and the spender as the beneficiary, with the stipulations that the money must be spent on purposes that are not [x] and disbursements to be made over time, with the stipulation that the partnership/marriage ending changes the rules of the trust. Of course you would really need to consult an attorney or financial advisor to discuss this. Edited to add: People often use trusts to secure disabled family members who are not able to support themselves and/or control their own assets. The two issues (disability and addiction) could possible be dealt with similarly.
Here is one and maybe an extreme end but it happened to my family.
My uncle was the sole breadwinner of the familu but my aunt could not stop racking charges on the credit card bill. She buy expensive extrangent stuff and would not stop. My uncle ask her to take some of the stuff back. When she refuse he stop the credit cards. Now was he in the wrong in that situation?
No
I like this video. I am dating someone now from Nugeria and he's repeatedly told me he's going to take care of me and all the bills. But this is not the way I was raised. I make my own income and we've been having arguments every other day. I don't like his attitude with me he makes me feel like a kid or a baby 😢 I want a partner and a family and he just told me not to contact his phone anymore. Everytime I get him frustrated he gets an attitude raising his voice at me 😢😢 I don't know what to do
Ain't saying nothing more apart from I agree.
So I’m trying to talk to my soon to be fiancé (shh) about money but that’s the only thing that makes her uncomfortable. I have indulged in the spending and driving with her to the shops and restaurants. I haven’t disagreed with her purchasing a maxed out iPhone because she does work for her money but she is living above her means. While on the other hand I have tried to be a saver and frugal and follow the word of Graham Stephan yet I find myself indulging with her at restaurants. I have put a stop to it when the winter storm happened in February. I made it clear that these are baby steps we need to follow but she ALWAYS seems hesitant about money.
She’s a good girl but I’m afraid that her 5-circle of people influence her attitude about money. The whole Megan Stallion attitude despite being the typical girl next door.
Any ideas why she has these reactions towards money?
I also would like to add that she is currently 22 and I’ll be 30 as of September 2021. So savings for me is a huge priority but I know she also grew up Poor so I don’t want to feel like I’m stripping her of any joys.
What's the update on this? I'm in a very similar situation. My gf(not fiancee because I will not marry a financially irresponsible person) doesn't like talking about her finances, lies about her spending and I found myself picking up the slack on groceries and going out to eat like 80% of the time. I've finally had enough and no longer take her out to eat and go grocery shopping on my own for my own food. We're basically turning into a roommate situation because of this and then she's wondering why I'm indifferent and "mad" at her.
I am in a non cohabitating relationship. We have independent finances. The other person has an unhealthy relationship with money where he doesnt want to spend any money. He rather drink at home because it cheaper than going out to a bar and see a band. He bought me nothing for Christmas. I always drive.. he saves his gasoline. Keeps the house dark to keep the electric bill low etc.. Ihavent ever met anyone so extreme.. I am total oposite.. money has no significance to me and I am happy to give away my last dollar to someone in need.
He grew up in wealth, married and divorced wealth, at 59 this is his first time of being financially responsible for him self. When he was spending others money he had no issue with doing so. I think he feels he is being judged by society about how much money he does or doesnt have. Not sure how to help him wIth this.
😭😭😭😭😭 wow I had no idea
Ugh. Dissuading. Down to taking the car keys so I can’t get to work because he actually made it a point to sell my car - me thinking I was on the title for the new vehicle. The power in my relationship is so imbalanced. We aren’t married but he constantly uses money and says I am not honest about my money. He even argued with me about closing my bank account and only having a shared acct with him. Glad I never gave in because my gut tells me I shouldn’t and can’t trust him.
I live on guard here, unfortunately, and not just financially,.. I'm struggling, I want to find a job, leave and have my own place, but am also studying... it's frustrating 'cause I desperatly want it all at the same time but I know it doesn't work like that.. it's discouraging of course. What should I prioritise? any advice... I'll apreciate
Un saludo desde Argentina
Would a small room in a shared house / apartment be feasible for you? As maybe a stepping stone to your own place? Good luck to you!
do you have any skills that you can monetise from home? selling vintage items online? selling handmade products? babysitting? freelancing/ temporary work? you just have to start! please don’t give up!
Girlfriend breaks up with me once approve for her dream house. I’m begging her back saying I’ll help she telling me she doesn’t want me. Then she gets with someone else for about month…. All of sudden she returns and wants to make it work but demands half of her house down payment
I went through it for 18 years. I wasnt allowed to have an income of my own.
I didnt want to leave just to end up on the street
I was not allowed to work, I had a little child, I had no work history, I didnt drive, i was not allowed to talk about money. I had nowhere to go. Before that relationship my mother sabotaged my attempts at working. It was my whole life experience until my later thirties. I was always told that I couldn't handle money. It was very empowering and terrifying to break free. I had no way out for me or my son when I was kept so weak. I didnt get out until my son graduated high school. My family was against me and I made poor choices in partners because I honestly knew no better.
My wife is unemployed. She drags her feet to get a job. She only wants to apply for high paying tech jobs that she is not qualified for. She doesn’t want to get regular jobs while she prepares for that tech job. I have to pay all her bills and repay money she owes other people. She loses her shit if I say I can’t pay her bills. I’m going broke. I don’t know what to do
? How you know someone is greedy? Or if someone is misbehaving with money? Or if someone is not able to steward money because of his mental stage? Lot of the times it could be that someone is undiagnosed boarderline... (fill in the blank), and you don't know why this person acts like that. Not able to pay bills on time and so on. Could you Please shed some light on that?
What if you have a partner that deliberately overspends and doesn't think about the consequences? I myself make sure all the bills get paid because if I left it to her we would end up on the streets. We share a bank account which we both have access to. I occasionally move money out of the account to cover our bills because if I didn't that money would get wasted. Would you consider myself some who is a financial abuser?
Leave. If ypu can break the least n move
I need to know this. Me and my boyfriend have bee. Fighting about me buying a car. I bought a car three months after we started dating and he was very mad about it and said I should have gotten permission from him. He still fights me about it even though I pay all my bills that are mine and he tells me to sell it just about every month because he doesn’t like that I bought it without his permission.
I know this is old but I hope you have dumped him by now. He is showing big fat ass red flags🚩🚩🚩🚩. Leave him asap.
@@Whoreallycares23 nope we still together
You better see a psychiatrist if you need a boyfriends permission to buy something with your own money. You might be another dumb victim of a narcissist
Know of a married woman whose husband persuaded her sign his debt over to her name...She divorced him but paid the debt . She was too trusting. When someone recommends you pay their debt then this presages serious trouble
Wow. That is sad
Do you recommend a prenup?
should you wear your car seatbelt while driving?
@@Vera-dg3hf Driving a car is useful, marrying is questionable.
@@Vera-dg3hf Different things deary.
My boyfriend reminds me on a weekly basis that even though we both are on the lease, because he makes more, "it's his apt".
What can you do if isn't atheghryt?
I have the opposite problem. I cant get my partner to work or help out financially. Has never been able to hold down a job..
Ok but question. What happens when you are in love with a woman who is broke and does not know how to spend wisely?
I’ve tried the Dave Ramsey approach. These stimulus checks went straight to baby step 1.
what should I do if I like a girl, I ask her out, and she has a strong belief that in those cases I'm the one who's supposed to pay at all times?
Martin Veritas On my very first date when I was 21 or so, I was jobless but asked my mom for $20 to pay for my portion of dinner when a guy asked me out. As my mom handed me the money, she said "If he asked you out, he's the one that's supposed to pay."
However, I personally prefer to help pay for a date because that means I don't feel indebted and like I might be expected to give sex to pay back the favor. I feel like I have more leverage if I contribute financially. Many do feel though that whoever asks the person out should be the one to pay but many women also feel guys should do the asking...which means they're always paying. That adds up!
So, what I would do and what I plan to do when I start dating again, is to ask but be specific in how I ask. Maybe something like, "I've been thinking about going to so-and-so place, wanna go with me and go halfsies on the bill?" Or something that makes it clear you're not looking to cover the full thing. It's not as glamorous as indeed covering the full tab but it's definitely more realistic. And if she has a problem with that, you can either have a frank conversation with them or start looking elsewhere. I know your comment is now a year old but hopefully things worked out and if not...maybe that tiny idea helps some :)
Honestly, if you can’t pay for a date, you’re nowhere ready to be in a relationship and go dating.
... then don't date her if you don't agree to do that. She has a right to request, you have a right to say no and move on.
don’t date if you don’t have money to pay 🤷🏽♀️
Q: I'm the bigger bread winner in my home, my gf and I split rent & utilities 2:3 so that I pay more. During the winter she was using the garage for her car, but in the summer I bought some workout equipment and put it in the garage along with moving the motorcycle out of the corner into a more accessible position, kind of taking over the garage from her. My justification was that since I pay more for rent & utilities that I should get more use of the garage, she still grumbles about how I did this. Am I in a financially toxic relationship?
sounds like a disagreement. Sounds you and her need to talk.
I don't think so! It sounds like the initial reason for the uneven utility and split rent was so that you're in a partnership and you're both contributing an equal proportion of your assets. In this way, I would say that you should also share the house and utilities more or less equally. You wouldn't expect her to take shorter showers or share less of your bedroom would you? However, sometimes it can be difficult to mentally get your head around this, so if you're not comfortable about splitting things equally even if you pay more, then talk to her about going back to splitting 50/50. Talk about it - remember you can't read each other's minds!
Look at it from her point of view. That was her space and you took it over from her. Sounds like something you should have discussed and agreed on before doing it. Talk about it now. Grumbling equals resentment. Resentment is something that will come up next time you fight about anything else. Handle the situation now and resolve that conflict. Apologize for taking over the garage and work together to come to some sort of compromise.
Unfortunately, this type of disagreement is so important and delicate, that it could ruin your relationship. You should be extremely careful in dealing with this because you're allowed to mess up, but you are not allowed to not clean the mess. Look, as other people pointed out, you are with your girlfriend, not with a roomate. It is a good thing that you pay more because you earn more, that's a great start. But that shouldn't give you more power, because ideally, you want an equal relationship. Imagine you had a baby with your gf. Would you like her to decide when you see the baby, because she put more work into creating the baby than you did? A loving relationship is a place where you trust the other to love you, consider your feelings, and negotiate everything in a loving manner... it should be a place different from the corporate capitalist world, where you fight for power, it should be a place to rest from that. You should go to your gf, apologize for not talking to her before making a decision, and assert that even if you earn more, you have equal rights over everything. Life could turn around, and if one day you earn less than her, you'll be glad you will still have equal rights in your home.
Yes, and it sounds like you're the reason. Even if you pay slightly more you both live in the house, contribute to maintaining it and could not pay for it on your own. the living space should be divided 50/50, if at all ( really youre sharing with your gf someone you shouldnt mind sharing with). if you try and control, change or modify her behavior in this way because you make more money it is abuse. I would advise her to get out of the relationship. You should not dictate anyones behavior with whom you should have an equal relationship with.
DON'T DON'T DON'T touch the microphone when you're moving around. Just DON'T!
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Financial abuse,
Marriage is the problem.
Second is money,
Third is jealously,
Fourth is not contribute to paying bill and making debts.
Unhappy and to expect others paying bills and not contribute in that part of a relationship.
Wrong expectations.
I have so much trouble finding a genuine, kind, trustworthy, and attractive women. I fear being falsely accused of sexual assault and abuse and losing everything because of it. Or being manipulated till marriage, then divorced and losing a large chunk of my portfolio. Lol, maybe i should just stay single and adopt. Too many risks...
Look at that. Violent people finish first. Take a look at Jordan Peterson before becoming judgmental.
Wait, so it is the person trying to protect their financial assets that they busted their ass to earn that is the abuser and not the other person that is spending all their money on junk?
It's so much worse now! Bought her 2 cars, she wrecked them both, got two speeding tickets. My insurance dropped me, then I was paying more for liability insurance than I was paying for full coverage before. She can't keep a job, quits after two weeks. Manipulates me into spending my money on things I don't want to spend it on. Our emergency fund keeps getting drained no matter how much I try to keep it afloat. I put the same amount in her wants as I do in mine, she ALWAYS overspends!
The only way you get equal say in Financial matter is it you're putting in equal money
first?
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