Narcissistic Parents: How You Are Invisible to Them
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- Опубликовано: 30 июл 2024
- In this video, I delve into the ways in which you are invisible to your narcissistic parents.
If you're finally ready to get your dysfunctional, narcissistic family out of you and enjoy a life free of its toxic grip, here's how I can help👇🏼
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For over 45 Years, Jerry Wise, MA, MS, CLC, has helped 1000s of people in the same situation as you. As a family systems and self-differentiation coach, he uses his wealth of knowledge and experience to help clients get permanently unstuck from family-of-origin dysfunction, cultivate healthy relationships, and build a true sense of self.
DISCLAIMER: This video is not intended to serve as a substitute for professional counseling. Be sure to consult a professional to help you integrate and utilize these concepts.
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Here this makes me somatically sick and incredibly sad and at the same time, I know I need to hear it.
I wish I could afford your program but I can't financially. Maybe one day!
Thank you for making this videos to support those of us who are by ourselves and the target of it all.
Oh it's exactly like that. My mum would always say "we" or "us" when talking about My things and would always use "me" or "my" when talking about something that was about the whole family. And then yes always decided on her own even on things that weren't hers or about her. She got rid of some of my dad's things without ever asking me for my opinión and when I talked yo her about it she just gaslighted me and pretended she didn't understand why that wasn't the way to go, when she obvioudly understand. I guess being only Child, adopted and forced to hide it when I was perfectly fine with my origin made me feel even more wrong and shameful and reasonably hideable
“If you’re not doing self care, guess who you’re invisible to? Yourself.”
Deep!
Remember children are the worst victims of narcissistic abuse..
Waow... this really hit me harder than my dad😮
Best thing I listened to today.
"Stop chasing visibility." Wow. So powerful.
My mother used to say, "children should be seen, not heard" . . .
It really makes sense of the state of the world when bizarre notions like those are considered normal.
@@emil5884 Sadly, this phrase was used on my mother growing up. I, of course heard this phrase until I got my own home at age 30. I am now 66 years old, and now know better.
My stepfather from age six said that all the time. He meant it.
My mother told me that her father used that line on her, and didn't agree with it. What she didn't say was that she neither wanted to see NOR hear the child(ren).
As a kid I was constantly told that I was “just” a child and didn’t matter
Making you invisible is childish behavior designed to lure you into feeling guilt. Walk away is how you handle that behavior
So true. Not until my mother passed away did I gain a sense of self. Before then I felt like a hollow shell.
@@RS-of8od Yeah I'd look at those online quizzes, like "what's your favorite..." and honestly have no idea. I didn't even know myself.
Same here
me too :(
Finally having an OPEN conflict with my mother and not seeing her for the past two years did the trick for me, but coming off of that chronified dysregulation is a b***h...
Similar for me. I went no contact with my narcissistic mother about 12 years before she passed away. The longer I was away from her, the more I healed. And the more I healed, the more intolerable it became for me to be around anyone with toxic behaviors.
I’m just gonna be brutally honest. I’m in my 50s now and I’d tell any young person that’s dealing with a narcisstic parent or two this. The only thing you can do to begin your healing process is to go no contact. I have friends in my age range still complaining about mistreatment by their parents and they just can’t seem to grasp that concept or just let go. The other thing I’d tell a younger person is that you will either see the untimely death of your narcissistic parents or see them wallowing in misery in their old age if you yourself live long enough. It’s unfortunate that you basically have to go through the grieving process of losing a parent twice. Once when you go no contact and once when they actually die. To me it’s worth it do endure that because I believe cutting off my narcissist mother in particular may have saved my life.
Move far far away discreetly! Self-differentiate!
💯 saved my life at 30 to go NC.
This is so true. They disregarded my life experience as inferior even when I knew more about something than them due to a job I had that they never did anything even similar to.
I can relate. Here is an example from my life. I worked for an airline my parents got to fly standby for free. Flying standby aka Non-rev can be tricky as the airlines have gotten good at filling planes with revenue paying passengers and it can be difficult to get on a flight. Because of my role doing operational support I had access to more data and could guide them on the best routes, days and times to non-rev. They would refuse to take my advice and get themselves stranded and stuck in spots.
YES YES YES
SAME HERE
I relate to all these comments!
Same here. I cannot be good at anything and if I do something they havnt heard about they think it's weird. I got really into healthy eating and habits and my mom straight up said we don't need exercise to lose weight and be healthy.
@@RS-of8od If you had narcissistic parents, they would have invented any 'reason' that works to teach you to see yourself as a second class person compared to them. I'm sure your Mandarin, or whichever Chinese dialect you speak, is beautiful and perfectly fluent based on the fact narc parents demand perfection from their kids for praises from their own peers. If they told you you're bad at it in some way, I bet they didn't connect themselves as being bad teachers! Since their view isn't realistic, ignore it and shine 🌟 anyway! You know the truth.
As my mother has gotten very old, she doesn't even know me when she sees me. She asks my golden brothers , " who is that"? So glad I found you Jerry.
You've helped me forget her, too.
So sorry for your suffering!!!
😢
That’s demonic in a way, how you are made to suffer by the way she doesn’t recognize you and hurts your very being. Don’t take it personal, easier said than done, but It was never personal to her… they don’t connect with other human beings. The golden child is also their victim, there’s never true connection or love.
God knows you, in detail! He even knows exactly how many hairs are on your head (see Matthew10:29-31 niv). And if you believe in something else, that's cool, my point is 🫵You are loved!
Ah, she knows you, Brother-man. That's just her way of taking another jab at you. While tough, no contact is your friend.
I felt invisible when I grew up, I am still invisible to my parents but I now see myself clearly.I take care of myself thanks to such channels as this.
Thank you so much Helena ❤️
Older people, including parents, siblings, uncles aunts etc do have more lived experience, but they have no experience living our lives with our character, wants & needs. If they're incapable of empathy they will never meet your needs.
What if they've spent decades doing the same 3 things with the same 2 people in the exact same way?
They so see us as objects, hence the silence treatments, they dont listen, and discard you when you no longer are serving their interests. I made a huge effort to stay NC (I even made myself clear, that I needed space for a reasonable amount of time) and when I broke the NC a year later it was only accusations. When I explain I no longer was up to doing the same things for her, she didn't reach out anymore (discard). I know a lot of people can find a middle ground with a narcissistic parent, it is not my case. I think my family does not see me as a person and can't treat me with human decency.
My narcissistic half-sister recently sent me a text message with many false accusations, after we hadn't spoken with each other for about a decade. I told her where she could stuff her false accusations because next time she does it I won't be so nice. Now the family rumors are that I was rude to her for no reason, but I have lived my life without the relatives and will continue to do so in my own peace and comfort.
Great explanation of losing self by being an extension of others.
Dr. Wise you have been so helpful for me. My mom passed away over 7 years ago and just the last few months recently I realized she was a narcissist. The sting of knowing I was never loved has been hard, but knowing it was not my fault, thank you for that sir.
"The law says I have to feed/clothes you but it don't have to be what you want ."
"I love you but I don't have to like you." These words are what I grew up hearing but no longer do they hurt me.
Omg. I am so sorry. I heard those same things. "I HAVE to love you because you are my child, but I don't like you." I heard that from my mother as far back as I ca. remember. "I put a roof over and feed you; what do you to to earn those things?" That's another thing my brother and I heard as far back as we can remember. I spent my life trying to 'earn' her love. My brother and I were nothing but props in her dramas. I finally went no contact in my late 40s and even then her flying monkeys came looking for us. I'm 62 and am just beginning to feel more than an empty shell of nothing.
Good luck in finding who you are and finally getting to live your life and feel worthy. It's such a long haul.
Same here
100% well said!! In my experience, same with me too. So sorry you went through this too... My so-called narc mother passed away about a year ago & pretending everything especially when she never cared. So when I learnt she was narcissitic I learnt not to care either
@@lizkrinsky5209👍💯 in my experience, this was the same for me too!! It was a hard road,but when I found my own map it was worth travelling on alone. My so-called narcissitic parents had me wasting my time & energy when my dedication wasn't paying off & it was a 1 way street as I never got that in return. They manipulated & pretended it was out of love they did things when evidently with their bad treatment of me they never even liked me
it takes a long time doesnt it@@lizkrinsky5209
I finally wrote my mom a ling message telling her how I felt, and she didn't say a word back. My husband reached out to my dad through email and he didn't reply either. They are delusional. My mom is the nars. and my dad is the enabler.
I have thought of doing this too but I already know how it will play out (same as you). I've been keeping a journal for two years. It has taught me to face reality but also keep some boundaries. The question in this video at minute ten is also life changing. All the best to you!
While I grew up I would have liked to be much more invisible because they saw you, they swart.bullying
This. My mom used to brag about how quite I was that she'd forget I was there. Like that was the point
God bless!
totally!! I used to hide in my wardrobe!
Yes I love it when my narc mother ignores me and just leaves me alone. That is when I feel the most peace and happiness!
I'm suffering since childhood to.till date. I'm 27 in age. And lost myself ..I feel unwanted unloved so I made lots of wrong decision in life ...they always seek and value golden brothers I feel left out like I'm noone. Most painful thing in world is having a feeling not being value respected loved by parents ..thankyou for helping me out...I think i might get out of it and live my best life ..
People from a healthy family don't end up on the internet trying to figure out what's wrong. If you are watching this video, welcome to the club, acceptance is the first step and the sooner you accept it, the better it is.
As a child, I was pretty clear on my outsider family status , only to be clobbered for my dramatics. On to my young adult life, having denied every signpost, however literal. My mom excuses entire family from my wedding, excuses all lies. More denial (married the right man anyway). Until now. Blessed solitude ringing with empty spaces. I am still training for my own freedom.
You can do this❤
It's absolutely beautiful what you wrote! You summed Up your whole experience in a few words. Years of being denied Respect and your own truth. I was so scared of that solitude and tried so much to scape It. Embracing It can be freeing. I think the empty space is a consequence of not having your existence filled UP by other people's agenda. It's difficult to know who you are and what you want to do after so many years of being a puppet. I wish you an amazing life of discovering yourself and being happy with the family you chose ❤
Ohhh about not consulting! My FIL made an executive decision despite my husband and I asking him to hold off until we got more info. I was waiting on a response from my family about visitng and he didn't want to wait. Nor did he want anyone having more access than him (hyper competitive). My husband complained to me but didn't confront them. I confronted them and was immediately met with veiled threats and passive aggressiveness. I didn't back down bc manipulation doesn't work. I told my husband " we aren't children. We now have children. Amd yet your parents treat us like children." He was blown away like that never occurred to him. That he actually can stand up for himself.. they do believe we aren't anything bc we are younger therefore they don't have to be respectful. Utterly insanity.
👏 Nailed it! You really explain it well! When we're taught this sick, warped view of ourselves, the world, and our place in it, it sets things up perfectly for an opportunistic narcissist spouse later on because whenever they come along, we've already been thoroughly conditioned to think their sick narc views and ways are 'normal', familiar and acceptable. We 've known nothing else but invalidating, no rights, invisibility, and life as a non-person who's only an extension of someone else. We've never known anything but conditional so-called 'love', so it goes on perpetually. Kids learn what they live!
Exactly. Thankfully, there is a way out.
#1 is so true. My parents (and now just my mom since my dad died) always made/make plans with my golden child brother and then just expect me to pretzel myself and my schedule to fit whatever they've decided. I'm so done.
I hear you... my own father ignored my 40th birthday yet 4 weeks later attended my brothers wedding
Still going through the pain of realizing my mother is a covert narc. I have been NC and extremely LC to my overt narc dad. But the hard realization that my mom, who I thought was the safe parent because she was largely benign (complacent) in my childhood. She was the quiet one but she never stood up to my dad when he was abusing me and my sibs. And a year ago I realized she doesn't see me at all. When I've tried to talk about my trauma she always deflects and says "well I " and just goes back to talking about herself. And her family is the same way. I feel very lonely all the time, even with my toddler. I still live close to her but I really want to leave the country so I will never be around her or any of my narc family system ever again.
Girl I relate so much and just wanted to say so , so you know you're not alone❤
You are not alone
I left the country and moved 12,000 miles away for the past 30 years. You take all the baggage with you I'm afraid. Distances miles do not always help you.
You need to learn emotional distance.
Haven’t really spoken to my 94 yo father for about 3 years. Minimal contact. He hasn’t said a word, asked about me or made any effort to contact me. So weird and indicative of his true lack of care for me. Astonishing. If my daughters don’t talk for an hour I’m wondering and asking questions. Some people are truly dead inside.
He is 94 tho.....maybe he is losing it?
That’s exactly what they do.
Anything to control you.
My mother was a "Youth Pastor." Late in life, when I was in my early sixties, I was working on her large acreage, and she approached me with her theological dogma. After about ten minutes of her diatribe, I interrupted her and said, "You know Mum, I don't believe a word of that."
She flashed with anger, and responded with "That's ridiculous, we all (the family) think the same." and continued her diatribe as though nothing had been said for another 5 minutes.
I went through this, she is getting somewhat better but now I stand up for myself as an adult, I did that also as a child I was very strong but she tried to crush me for not wanting to read the bible or go to church. BTW, she still holds this against me and has a hate towards me about this. She wouldnt let me choose or be who I was. She stuffed it down my throat then when I defended myself I got punished. Once I was locked out in the porch in February for refusing to go to church... in my nightgown, it was 20 degrees
I recently attended a funeral and my brother and my mother did not attend. My mother thanked me for representing them at the funeral! Words failed me.
Years before my narcissistic mother passed away, she envisioned a huge funeral for herself with many decorations. As time passed, she continued pushing people away with her toxic behaviors. By the time she passed away, she was by herself because no one really wanted to be around her. She wanted to be cremated because she knew no one would attend her funeral. People were concerned for me and my siblings, but none of us needed sympathy -- we mostly experienced relief from her passing.
@@danielkaiser8971life is a test. We are all being tested in our own ways. Thank you for sharing your story.
I have been out of family since 1985. I am invisible, non-existant ever since. My childrens father encouraged this concept too.
I am still alive, I still had a 51 year career. I still own a home. I still have preferences.
They family that doesn"t know me still does not know me.
Whose loss do you think this is. I still love them. I still pray for them. I stll am not hurting because of their rejection.
Whose loss do you think
You are so lucky to stay away from toxicity.
I can relate to everything you said but I want to also add that I have had the bullseye (scapegoat) on me my whole life...
Welcome to the club.
im in that club too@@danielkaiser8971
My husband and I were constantly excluded. My narc parents would lie about us and would make up stories. Would use financial abuse to control. When our daughter was born, they felt entitled to her. We got told, "Shut up" if we asked them not to do something. Even after everything they did. They use slanderous statements against my husband ( saying he's using you for $ will leave you when we leave you, nothing you will be on the street without us, you are nothing). The narc feels they can hold inheritance over head . If you speak up against abuse, they withhold affection money. The call you names. They excluded us for the last time this Christmas. While spending it with other kids. They wanted nothing to do with us. However, they tried to drop off expensive gifts. We denied all gifts. They don't even look for our daughter unless it makes them look good to their friends or public. To family ( extended), we are disrespectful for standing up to them for setting boundaries. They would come to our home screaming, yelling no respect. My narc parents would put me down to speak poorly of me to my spouse . We had enough this year and told them not to contact . You excluded us for the last time.
We demanded they not attend our daughter Christmas play and immediately called b name.
We had to get a lawyer involved, asking them with legal letter to refrain from speaking lies of our character in writing ( libel) they act like victims for things they created.
They provide my siblings with a cars homes, told me if you want the same pay for it work, or go on social assistance.
it's been 1 peaceful month. Do narc try to come back?
Can you do a video about narc and how they abuse further.
You are so brave.
Stop chasing visibility….powerful, ty💯
Well Thank you Jerry for another great list of things to watch out for. I often have to catch myself and stop myself from ignoring me and my feelings. This is a life long battle, because it's automatic.
Very welcome
This was so good I had to listen twice. I was a#3 my entire life, that is until five years ago when I went nc. I AM somebody!!!! I am a person with value! I am a survivor ❤
I was actually all these things, just #3 hit the hardest
Thanks for a great video Jerry. This was so helpful and I totally get what you are saying here.
I am low contact with both my parents. I live with some ongoing health conditions including CPTSD and am a late diagnosed autistic and don't have community access to good therapy or much financial resources but I do have RUclips thankfully to educate myself. I am almost 50, survived suicide attempt in my 20's. I am glad I was unsuccessful at that! I am glad I have discovered channels like yours now, better late than never. Even though I hurt a lot emotionally and it can still be difficult with my parents I am learning to detach internally and care for my needs as best I can. I do not believe I am a bad person like I was told by them. They had it done to them too and they are stuck in their pain projecting it onto me. It is emotional immaturity and I have seen it in myself also but I am learning to grow inside. I wish everybody here well. :)
That not consulting piece, that is the piece that is going to push me into going no contact. They plan gatherings and choose for me whether or not I would want to go. When my pap died, I found out months later than I had received an inheritance, and my mother put it on my car bill. I was neck deep in debt in my own home; she had no idea what a huge difference that couple thousand would have made to me, if I had any influence over where it went. It's like I didn't even get it. That car is not even road legal. I don't have a working vehicle right now.
Both my siblings got to choose where their money went, and my brother got his check directly. My sister did have some control over her inheritance, but it wasn't given to her directly. My mom controlled it. My dad had passed, it was his father that had left the inheritance.
STRATEGIC done directly on purpose. It's sick. 😮PRAISE JESUS ANYHOW!
That sounds illegal
@@nineteenfortyeight6762 That was the only thing she had access to, she signed as the second on the loan for my first car. I think the money was originally meant to go to my dad, but since he passed, my mom was told to split it among his kids. I'm pretty sure the check was technically made out to her, by whoever was assigned executor of his will. The devil is in the details. I was able to tell my pap about his great-grandson before he passed, that is what was important to me.
Generally she just doesn't believe anything I say, and if I tell her the truth of how she makes me feel, or anything hinting that the repetition compulsion I have lived out, dating men who think my emotions are a burden is from my relationship with her, she avoids me for a few weeks. Any loud expressions were meant to be done in private. I was never told anything about red flags, what to look for, how to live out values, how to deal with anxiety.
I've gotten into a situation where I am currently isolated and cut off from my prior networks, and my mother is now the only person that will occasionally watch my toddler. So, she functionally controls whether or not I ever get the time and space to think, let alone to do paperwork to keep basics afloat. It really *feels* like I'm being kept down on purpose.
Sometimes I think of her as vile, and then other times I think, but she's *my mom*; could she really be malicious? Is she really that awful for me to have contact with? Seems like it, due to her narrative and my role in it. If not malicious, very clouded and not in touch with reality, regarding me, at least. Lots of projections. It helped me a lot when my therapist verified the things that made me suspicious were actually shady AF. My brother moved to the other side of the state and I can't help but wonder if he sees it. She likes the social points of being a decent mom, but hasn't ever been emotionally available.
Never in a million years did I think it would be this difficult for me to coordinate things at home, just so I could spend regular time at a job. I desperately want to work again.
01:51 🤔 Narcissistic parents often resist consulting others, leading to a pattern of mental invisibility for their children.
03:24 🔄 As children, we may become intergenerationally invisible, seen as mere property or objects by narcissistic parents.
04:19 🧠 Psychological invisibility occurs when a child is viewed only as a part of the family's overarching identity, lacking an individual sense of self.
05:42 😢 Emotional invisibility manifests as children's feelings are disregarded and considered insignificant by narcissistic parents.
06:59 🎭 Projection invisibility occurs when narcissists project their own emotions onto others, erasing their identity and making them emotionally invisible.
08:56 💡 Let go of the expectation of being visible to narcissistic parents; focus on self-differentiation and building a relationship with yourself.
09:57 🔄 Don't chase visibility to gain approval from narcissistic parents; instead, focus on your own growth and well-being.
10:03 ❓ Consider the downsides of not caring about how narcissistic parents treat you and work on addressing those issues for meaningful change.
10:46 🪞 Combat self-invisibility by doing for yourself what narcissistic parents didn't and practice self-care to affirm your own visibility.
Dr. Wise, I've said it before: you are well named.
Another thought.. I never allowed my children be around my mother because I knew how manipulative she was. She hated it! I lived in TX and she was in TN and she so desperately wanted her creepy claws on my children. I wanted them nowhere near her.
Just hecause you can have kids, doesn't mean you should.
I've had to argue the second one with my mom. She considered me her arm and when I would tell her I'm a not a part of her but my own person she just said no
Any narcissist can say whatever they want, as much as they want, but it won't make it become the truth if it's not already. When you are secure with your own truth, then you will see a narcissist's alternate reality as a part of who they are that has nothing to do with you.
My mother literally said to me in a disgusted tone, " you have all of these..BOUNDARIES. Other people in our family are not like that!" As if an adult having boundaries was the most ludicrous concept imaginable.
Will you please do a video on people who are stuck living as an invisible person in their parents' homes, as adults? Some people really have no way out. I don't have the financial resources for self- care, and certainly can't afford therapy. How are people like me supposed to deal with these things?
@@HarryBarker-yp1xv Like so many people, you don't understand the financial limitations of living with chronic health issues. I really can't change that. Thanks for the well wishes, though.
I totally get where you are coming from janeylynn. I was in that position for a long time too. Now I am not. I have my own place at least now but not much financial resources. I cannot afford therapy either. What helps me is to continue watching videos like this as often as I can. I wish you well in life. Take care.
@@anonymousprivate6814 It is very rare to find someone who actually gets it. I'm glad that you were able to get out of your situation.
@@janeylynn5934Your response to Harrys reply comes off as quite cold. You have regarded him as being insensitive / uncaring regarding the limitations you have due to health issues. You never mentioned that you had health issues in your original post, so how was Harry to know this when he replied? You seem to have a victim mentality and are projecting the "persecutor" role onto others. That's my opinion, fwiw.
@@davidrobert2007 I certainly wasn't trying to come off as "cold," which you are suggesting. The reason I responded the way I did was because I get so many similar responses to comments I post, from people telling me to just do better and try harder, regarding an impossible situation. I think it's really important to not be so quick to jump to conclusions or make judgments about people's lives, especially people you don't even know. Honestly, your response seems rather cold to me as you are accusing me of having a victim mentality and projecting. Again, you don't even know me, you have very little knowledge of my situation, and I feel your comment is out of line.
Being the adult child of a narcissist is the worst. More so when she refuses to die. Worse still, I'm a Christian, and there's this pressure to respect and honour our parents. Some Christians aren't open-minded enough to accept that some parents are just impossible to respect or honour. I could almost see the gasp in their heads when I told them it's just better for me to avoid my narcissistic mother.
It took me until the last year to realize my dad is a Vulnerable Narc. Tbe realization has been devastating emotionally and financially. When my mom was dying, his lack of compassion was shocking. Then I saw the same regarding their dog. He has successfully faked it because we all covered for him. Now I know why I chose my ex husband: familiarity. My sister died still trying to be seen and I spent my whole life being the invisible child. The whole family is cold and fake. They will use you until the life is sucked out of you.
Its a very strange surreal sort of thing, when you have an acutual conversation it feels like no one is talking to the other person. Feels as though there are two conversations going on with two separate people, there is no listening and no connection...it almost feels as though you are there by yourself
So true! Two conversations. My mother is brilliant at cutting me off or talking about herself to deflect having to connect with me. She "copes" with her narcissism too. I continue talking for the sake of awkwardness then find an exit ramp. It literally feels like two conversations, all the time.
Lately Ill play the same games back with her up to a certain point or I get yelled at.
Thank you
This is so true. Thank you for the reminder.
You are so welcome
As my narc mother used to say, "Outta sight, outta mind"....
I stopped trying to visit my grand niece/nephew because I didn’t want them to learn to treat me like their mom and grandma treat me. I hope someday they seek me out as adults in a healthier way
Thank You 🙏 Jesus 😇
For Love 💕 and Peace
God Will Save You!
Yes, no matter what i did to please them, it was never enough....i have stopped doing that now. I have stopped chasing validation, even with some friends, stop chasing, and i have distance myself a bit too... self care is very important, but my parents always put it in our heads, that its selfish... I'm learning to be me now and enjoy my life... great video as always
The question of 'what would be the down side?' Really has me stumped...
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
Very powerful and impactful. "Stop trying to be visible"- good advice
This is extremally educating and helpful.
Thank you, Jerry. This is yet, another list in my bucket to bury. Good to regonize this, acknowlege it & stop the 'dysfuctional system.' Nailing these systems helps improve lives for a happier me. ❤
Most definitely 💯
generational invisibility.. that’s my family
Thank You Jerry!!! I just realized a few months ago how I was invisible to myself because I was never taught to care about myself or see myself as a real person going up!
True. I went no contact with my narc mom and got myself back
Very powerful video. The link between self invisibility and lack of self care is a wake up call for me ⏰ I find it so hard to maintain self care, partly because I’ve never really known it 😢 I don’t want to continue to make myself invisible to myself so this is motivation enough. Thank you Jerry !
I always described the way i feel as "less than" and coupdnt figure out why until 2 years ago.
God bless you, Jerry Wise. The hardest is breaking patterns of desperation to be heard, even if they've dulled over time. Today is a hard one.
Excellent video - I wish I had known this many years ago.
Glad you enjoyed it!
Regarding parents excluding children and not sharing influence, that happened to me within the past 6 months after my mom was cremated. My dad planned a ceremony to bury at least a portion of my mom's ashes with her parents where her parents were buried, which is in a town my dad almost hated. When I was a kid, he told my mom at Christmas, "We're not going to YOUR parents' house, Maddy!!!!" He said it with such disgust. So, I told him the plan to bury Mom's ashes at her parents' graves would be very magnanimous.
Two days before I was supposed to fly up and meet my dad and my sister at the cemetery, which is 6 hours away from me, he called and canceled the whole thing.....without ever talking to me. INSTEAD, he called his best friend and that guys' wife, who (though being longtime friends with my parents) don't have to my knowledge any real organic, "boots-on-the-ground" history with my grandparents, my mom's family who lived there, or that town. It was like he just kicked me -- the one with 58 years of organic history with my Mom's family -- out of the picture completely. He SHOWED me who he really cares about, and it's NOT me. So, thanks for the video. It helps clarify some things.
I can really relate to "not consulting". When I did something "bad", the evidence was gathered, a trial was set where I was not present. There was no questioning of the defendant. There literally wasn't an opportunity to explain anything. You were "caught being bad". No statements from the defendant could be issued that would mitigate the punishment. The punishment was decided and enforced. It was always harsh (a month of being grounded PLUS the silent treatment) twice when I was about 16 years old and rather emotionally sensitive at that age. After the punishment you could come back and get back to being obedient and "nice". I friggin' hate "nice". It's like taking paint and covering the structural problems and expecting that to fix everything.
Oh, and if any of this left lasting wounds you could get another job (being a hard working, no days off, working working like a busy bee workaholic) to pay for the therapy you will need to resolve the actual structural problems, but keep your therapy on the down low because IF you go to therapy at all, you will have admitted to a problem and become the catch-all bin for everything "bad". You are the designated catch-all bin and the problem. See... you just admitted to it by going to therapy!!!
My mother said she saw someone from my school, she talked about the neighbor kids, and my brother with him. Then she said, I didn't mention you. Some people shouldn't parent or vote.
Jerry..God Bless You and heal you 🙏 ❤
could u do a video of the chances of having one or both narc parents. Doesn’t seem like there were a lot in real life , but there are soo many survivors on RUclips. I’m just waking up to all this at 53 , better late than never. Whenever I’m around my parents they ignore me, worse then being home alone
Both parents *and* husband! When I met him, I thought, he's great fun, and so different from my father. Nearly thirty years later, he had become my father.
All three of them had died by the time I was 50, and I finally learnt about narcissism. See, never too old to learn! 😉
@@lesleyvivien2876 sorry to hear that. Yes better late then never! I don’t know how I survived, I had no one on my side. Glad you are ok
@@jesuswarnedusaboutthem7710 Thank you, I don't know either! I think I sailed through on a sea of anger, and never accepted that I deserved what was happening to me.
After both parents had died, my mother's brother told me that they stayed away because he could see how I was being treated, but I took that with a pinch of salt because he'd always hated my father. Perhaps other people could see, but "didn't like to interfere" - which obviously doesn't help me. Surprisingly my mother noticed her daughter-in-law bullying her second child, and told my brother, which helped a bit. I have no idea if she made any attempts to protect me, because they believed in the sacred cow of a United Front.
But I digress. I never blamed myself, and my blood pressure is finally under control.
@@lesleyvivien2876 that’s good that your pressure is under control. Do u feel “free” now? As free as you can be. I know the thoughts are intrusive. My parents are still alive. It’s very frustrating bc I know I feel love and hate at same time with them. But I’m Truely alone. Know one ever stood up for me. We live in the same state now. Was hoping to see them more bc they are getting older but I have to forget it. They have no interest in me. I now what until they call me. I fear that if my father has a heart attack everyone will blame me (he is angry on his own but I’m the bad one) so I keep my distance. My brother is a golden child and allows their behavior, I don’t talk to him. My other brother passed away due to drug overdose. I am constantly suffering from health issues/ chronic fatigue/ depression. Honestly I hate this world and can’t wait to be with Jesus. My dogs give me a reason to get out of bed in the morning
In my situation, I feel like the father married a personality that would make it easier for him to deal with other people. Funny I once dated a guy that made it easier for me to deal with other people but he did by making others laugh.
I'm only at 3 mins, but I just want to say.... Dr. Wise, Sir, Thank you so much for what you do. You have really opened my eyes on so many things, and I am starting to heal a lot from your videos. Your videos have provided so much insight into my parents, especially my father who at one point was my world, my everything(my mother has always been a demon spawn), but now I'm realizing that he really hurt me so much throughout my life,especially being mom's enabler, and I was just making excuses for him and the things he did to hurt me, when he should have known better. This video speaks about this point exactly.
"Narcissists don't see consultation." One of the biggest traumas from when I was 6 years old, which was due to my Mother's emotional outburst and my father's reaction, which lead me to make excuses for my father hurting/traumatizing me, for no fault of my own, by saying "If only he asked me... if only he knew." I've been saying a lot lately that he should have asked me.. He never asks me, he knows everything, he believes he knows everything, he doesn't care to know my side.... It's extremely painful, but also freeing of a realization. If someone wants to know exactly what happened I can post the story below. It's an extremely painful, extremely traumatizing/damaging incident, but it's something I hope to heal from eventually.
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I'm also realizing more and more lately how much of a not so good person he is. He is extremely selfish, entitled, and is a know-it-all. I thank you for so much for allowing me to recognize these patterns and everything is so much clearer now!
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I started viewing therapy videos a couple of years ago and initially I started viewing people such as DR. Ramani, but every time I viewed her videos I didn't feel I was learning anything, and I just felt I was getting angrier and angrier with no actual solutions.
You actually provide solutions and allow me to heal and be able to recognize things, so I'm so very thankful for this.
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My entire life I would accept the blame, believe it was my fault for everything, etc, etc, all because I was manipulated and gaslight by the one who I trusted and loved the most. It's extremely, extremely damaging. Sure, there were traumas, and pain and suffering from both of them...
But to realize the one you loved and cared for so much is actually someone who never really cared about you or loved you in the way you thought? and the worst part is, I still live with my parents in my early 30's, and I'm surprised they haven't just kicked me out yet. I worked for my father's software business, and Ididn't go out to actually work in the "real world" because I always wanted to help my father out. There are some other reasons including being assault at work in the past when I was 15, that I didn't want to go into the workforce later on, but I always wanted to be like my father, a software business owner who did everything himself. I really just wanted to do it on my own. Maybe they were excuses and I should have been "man enough" to go out into the workforce, but i really tried and wanted ot help my father out. Unfortunately, I barely got paid, the projects i worked on didn't go anywhere, and overall I feel like I just was taken care of by mommy and daddy, and it really sucks.
I just feel like a failure. I'm starting my own garden and want to become a farmer now, so I'm slowly trying to learn and build up, which isn't going all that well so far with my crippling depression and not really caring about doing anything, but a little bit at a time it's working out.
My mother totes she is all about keeping family together. Yet she mistakenly sent me a letter that was for my little sister and wrote bad things about me. She mixed up the envelopes! 😂 god must’ve wanted me to know the truth. Do not mess with God! ❤😊
Thank you again! I need to work on all the things you mentioned.
i really appreciate you content
100% well said Jerry!! In my experience,when I was a child & growing up they(my so-called narcissitic parents)were constantly making out "age is wisdom" so I was too young to know anything? But I knew they were manipulative & "know it all know nothing" people as they made out they were so smart but more like "smart Alec's"...
You are awesome. You understand!!! I am sooo grateful I discovered you!
I had a dream where I was trying to get from the egg donor who was chasing me with a dagger trying to kill me. I ran past a big mirror and as I looked in it I had no reflection. She sure managed to erase me.
Yes Nailed It!!
They didnt care about our feelings at all. Not at all. "Children should be seen - not heard" we were only there to take care of them in old age and to propagate the family. Anything in between for us had no merit. I can verify everything you said..
What a fantastic video, sums up my mum for the last 25 years, every minute of it. I've watched it over and over again. Thanks so much Jerry ive learnt a lot from you
Glad you found it helpful! Thanks for watching
True. I have been told too many times what I am and how I should think. It was so commonplace that I became blind to the transgression of laying claim on other people at one point. I've been practising reformulations lately, like "You appear to act as if-" (for example) instead of "You are doing-". Even if the latter would be right it would be a violation of the rules, disrespecting and unhelpful for me. Staying on my side of the court! Thanks again.
You described my family life to a T, my dad especially. Thank you for your very informative videos. I definitely relate.
This is how my daughter treats me
Thanks again Jerry. Your kindness is very valuable and appreciated through your efforts.
I am grateful for your posts which help me so much.
It's great how you give your time to people like me where I get answers I had never been able to ask or consider.
Each post of yours heals me, makes me feel stronger and brings light to my self
You are very welcome
Nice filming, love the shallow depth of field and lighting! (I'm a photographer.) Always love the content, too.
Thank you very much!
Giving instructions to our mother was reliably met with oppositional responses, followed by her rage when she was confronted. Solving a problem or mystery for her often provoked the effort to be misconstrued and derided to her "friends". Demonstrating superlative skills or receiving praise from someone outside the family was almost always countered with her astonishment and marginalization. And after I realized she'd never called, never written, never took the initiative to be in my life, or my own family's life, I finally walked away and left our relationship in her hands. Nothing changed, except she added seeking supply as a victim of abandonment. It was so absurd.
Very well said as always, sir 🙏
Thank you kindly
Thank you Jerry, I understand this concept better now.
Wow!!!! On point 😮😮😮😮
They'll treat you as having no opinion or preference and they'll simultaneously instrumentalise you - you're just a means by which they can achieve an end - like a kitchen appliance.
Very accurate. Thank you, Jerry
When you tell them "how you feel" they do not respond or even say, I dont care how you feel as if its not ok to feel at all. Dont bother to feel because you cannot share how you feel, its never received. And WOW projection! Every conversation almost. the famous words ...and "what about you?" You say that to ME you do that to ME
You know, I find your videos incredibly insightful. You have a unique way to deliver ideas. Thank you so much for your work. It helped me greatly to understand my introjects and what I can do about them.
Thank you so much
painful, resonates, much appreciated for your insights as always Jerry.
I have hair pin triggers to start screaming, I been actively going around my parents and slowly detaching myself because I know that if I can learn to stay calm when they push every button I will learn what they are and I have ultimate control. I'm only 21 and I've already gotten pregnant 5 times (miscarried) (all different men) and have had multiple manipulative and exploitative "mature" sexual relationships with 30-50 year old men. I struggle with my sexuality even though I am straight. I've had trouble with women my age or older always wanting to start a fight with me. I been extremely arrogant but humble. My dad screamed constantly my ENTIRE life, not yelling but screaming. If I don't act perfect or take responsibility for my actions in a heavily shame based way to make my dad feel better about himself, I'm a nuisance who he will scream at and bully. No contact is hard because I am over emotional and attached, and I run myself broke trying to eat and just fucking grasp reality. I smoke weed enough so I don't have anger fits, my anger is extremely extremely angry and chaotic and messy.My father has control to help me get off my ass into an apartment but he gaslights me and watches me get abused constantly on the streets, I've been sexually harassed, I've been begging my dad for help but he won't help me until I "figure it out". So a heavily abused woman who's starving has to build good credit, work 2 jobs successfully, stay completely whole and sane and perfect all while saving thousands of dollars to get my own apartment. HOMELESS! What the absolute FUCK. I have no privacy. I don't have a safe home to go to. So I started believing in Jesus, that's all I can think about, and therapy. All while they live in lavish and warmth, and watch movies all day. I'm getting into horribly abusive romantic relationships to get off the streets, my last ex sexually abused my animals after months if living with him. Do you know how angry I am?
Let men out of your life for a while. They don't give you what you are seeking for. I recommend you the channel The high powered podcast. 🙂💛
I can longer get involved with a elderly narc. mother. It is not easy to unplug but in order for me to be healthy, I had to do this. My siblings don't fully understand. It has been difficult going. Thank you for these lessons. It helps me quite a bit. Eileen
Emotional whyfi
My grandfather said to me a long time ago. Your daddy loves you, he just can't show it.... And my mom said a long time ago Your daddy loved you till i was around.... And my dad said i was just like my mother and my mother said i was just like dad... And my dad said to my neighbour I have three kids and i don't give a fuck about them. Crazy, but i tell you, if avarare wages would be better, people would heal much much easier from childhood trauma 😅
My dad calls me "daughter" rather than by my name.
Here's another one. You check the back door and its unlocked and you always keep it locked. You just mention it to the other person in the house and they say, "I swear to you I locked it." You say but it was open...they come in to look and still swear they locked it. Then say, "You think im lying, you never trust what I say" I say, so you are telling me to trust what you say instead of trusting myself after I witnessed the door unlocked? I'm to convince myself I didnt see the unlocked doorknob so I can TRUST you? I'm to second guess what I see? This escalated into a huge uproar and she even started to say she believes that now entities are involved.
Very incisive! Don’t see us! Will have empathy for others - but not their children or adult children.
My comment disappeared! Is this happening to anyone else?
:( I just left a comment earlier and apparently it's one of about 30% of the comments I've made lately that have just "disappeared"...and all of the information I can find on "why" this might be happening is about moderators taking down inappropriate comments. But my comments are no less appropriate than they've ever been, and no one "use to" remove my comments. In fact, I'd even go so far as to say that my commenting style couldn't possibly be seen as "inappropriate"....especially not 30% of the time!..and I'm receiving no message from RUclips or Google, etc...telling me they're removing my comments. It must be a glich...One with apparently no solution!
Jerry, I'm just gonna say in a much simpler form...again...thank you for the video. More "wise advice"!
I don’t understand it either
We rarely remove comments or commenters
😢
I would like to join one of your workshops with my adoptive and step parents, but I fear they would have more "power" than you as a therapist, and would as usual, have the final say. I am almost a 56 year old woman who's adoptive mother who is 75 is the payee of of my Social Security Disability Income. I live in low income housing with a housing voucher and she vacations every year on the island of Saint Martin with her friends. I live in Longmont, Colorado, and am isolated and alone and a victim of Mary Kay Kunkle Ultra. My adoptive mother. Help!
Why have them join with you? A better strategy might be to give up the fantasy that they will ever change. Focus on you