I'm glad you are going beyond narcissism. There are non-narcissistic difficulties people face and I think you are going to delve into them on this channel. Thank you.
@@DrLesCarter I'm wondering if egotism is an easier label to accept than narcissism. Many of my difficulties are mildly narcissistic and seeing and labeling the other person's tendencies as narcissistic has tended to reinforce my ego. It wasn't productive to share your previous videos because the other person got defensive. I am eager to share this video because it describes many of our "conversations" clearly, respectfully and compassionately. Thank you
A soft answer turns away wrath: but grievous words stirs up anger. - Prv 15:1 Anger is a part of relationships but when one lets go of their tongue all kinds of destruction are soon to follow.
This is such an important topic, especially as I am only now learning to assert my boundaries for the first time in my life. This video has helped me to see that I can engage in conflict resolution from an objective instead of emotional perspective whilst still asserting my boundaries in a healthy, respectful manner regardless of how the other may behave. Thank you for all that you do. I have been watching your videos for a few months now and my growth has been exponential, it is just astonishing. This is he healthiest and most self-assured I have ever been and I just want you to know the difference you have made to me personally and to say thank you! I look forward to the next video :)
Lay down ego! Note to self: 1) have moderate expectations 2) make room for less than desirable characteristics in the other person 3) as you speak your needs and stipulations speak with utter respect, decorum. Laying down egotism allows you to find strength . Strength is played out through your calmness, firmness, decency and dignity.
Most ppl do not want to grow period. It is useless to even state that there is a conflict. I’ve done this even writing a heartfelt letter to the person and that so called friend did not even respond. Once that happens I’m just done. Some ppl are just toxic.
I've written a few heartfelt letters in my time with respect and these letters are ignored. I don't think there is any respect for this kind of letter anymore, generally because most people don't write letters, and because they don't write letters, they don't understand the careful thought and work that has gone into them.
I agree. Even writing emails can be too laborious for a lot of people. They just want to be catered too & if you won’t they can get a cheap hotel and waitress.
I have always found it a struggle when I have done the work to learn how to do what is suggested here but find myself engaged with others who have not done the same and refuse to do so. Now I see that's my ego stepping in and saying, "Well, I have done the work, why can't you!?" ... I think the goal is healthy two way communication but really it's about maintaining my healthy communication and hoping the other person will do the same and if not, accepting they cannot without losing my own sense of dignity and respect for myself AND them. Wow, hard, especially depending on the relationship and circumstances.
Brad Connexion right, if they have not done the work to deal with their issues...I find they get offended and offensive. When I'm just trying to have a discussion?
I love this! This is very helpful as I learn how to build healthy friendships outside of my Narc husband. My parents NEVER fought in front of me growing up and I kind of wish they would have at least shown a little conflict so I could learn how to deal with it. All I learned was to swallow anger, sadness and stress. Thank you for helping me to unlearn a lifetime of bad habits in dealing with people.
These mudboots? Should they be for one monsoon season or shall I invest in heavy duty, foul weather, below zero insulated, fisherman waders? Many thanks to you Dr. Les, humor and wisdom are main ingredients in this journey. All the best to each of us!
Thank you Dr Les. So much anger and hurt beneath the surface of the narcissists cloak of shame. Only looking at them with the eyes of Christ will show us the path to take with them. God bless
Thank you so much Dr Carter. I watch your videos everyday. I need to keep my mind together. My father, mother in law, sister in law are narcissist. I have to protect myself ..God bless you!! Thank you so much!!
I ran across your videos when I got another silent treatment. Now I'm watching these videos because my ego is saying I need to learn to fix me, and not anyone else. Nobody's perfect.
I love when life throws you interesting coincidences. As I'm listening to Dr. Carter today, I am actually waiting for new mud boots to be delivered! The Cosmos has spoken! Mud Boots. I'm exchanging my ego for mud boots and a trip to the UK to breathe.
I can be a stubborn one at times, but you are right. It's better to end the conflict and move on. I've had to do that with my ex for our child's sake. After he cheated, I knew I could never trust him again, so I asked him to leave. There was no need for me to tell him what a lowlife I thought he was. But I was right in my decision. Our baby was 9 months old when I ask him to leave, it took 12 years for him to ever lay eyes on her again. I never tried to keep him from her. It was her decision to get to know him. They do have a relationship to this day. She is now 26 and doing great in her chosen profession. I did my best to raise her with confidence and love. Hope you have a great evening Dr. C. Thank you for reminding me to always be my best.
I think you are absolutely right about ego, what I’m doing now is considering the people I’m hanging out with or being friends with and I’m canceling a lot of people out based on what I feel they are doing in my life, and whether they are a positive impact in my life. I have taken my fair share of users, abusers, and people who want to control me. I am my own person, and I don’t need anyone dictating who I need to be just to please them. It’s funny how once you start seeing the picture clearly for what it is, everything starts falling into place. The games some people play are very damaging, and I’m waking up to it quickly. Much 💙✌️🙏✝️ Dr. C
This is fantastic introductory video to the issue of conflict resolution and a lot of what was discussed can be made into other videos. I do think it is so important to have awareness of how physiologically we can get "hijacked" and not be in the moment during conflict: we are prepared to answer back, we are defensive, we retaliate by trying to hurt the other person because we may be hurt. Issues of blame, shame, deflection, victimhood, and misunderstanding are part of what makes us human. There is a book by Donna Hicks called Dignity: The Essential Role it Plays in Conflict that I have read and I am going to read again. I appreciated her approach to remembering that conflict is part of our raw humanity and that there's opportunity for the participants to walk out of conflict empowered and having learned something about themselves and the other party or parties. Not everyone has the ability to have insight into what is it about a disagreement and what is it about the other person that is causing the disagreement. Not everyone likes conflict and some people retreat from it also. At the very least, conflict reminds us of how unique we are and conflict can also serve as a way to really evaluate what we value and what is truly important to us. Having healthy boundaries and compassion for the reality of conflict, especially with our most important relationships, is to acknowledge "the beauty of our imperfections" as Brene Brown states in one of her videos.
I think what you said about make room for undesirable characteristics is really a good point you made. I can’t change people but I can meet them where they are and make adjustments. Here’s the the answer to my problem today. Now I can relax and go to the beach.
the number one ingredient for resolving a conflict, imo, is that the parties involved have to want to try and resolve the conflict! if one party doesn't want to participate in resolving a dispute it doesn't matter how many tools are available to aid in coming to an agreeable outcome. there cannot be nor will there be a resolution.
@@trishg8852 i dont know. isnt getting on the same page the goal? as in both people collaborating to formulate a shared desired outcome. can't do that if someone doesn't want to participate can't get on the same page if someone refuses to
@@trishg8852 I think it has to begin with respect. Not the kind of respect one earns in life through achievement, but basic, baseline humanity, and the willingness to try to see and understand the "other's" viewpoint, rather than sight unseen dismissiveness.
All y'all, the point here is that you can't make the other person want to resolve the conflict with you. Sometimes they **want** to be in conflict. Sometimes they want to escalate the conflict. No matter what tools you come in with, no work is gonna get done if they refuse to participate. That's where the ego and expectations come in. If you expect them to even hear you out, you're gonna be wildly disappointed if they've got their ears turned off. If you expect them to help to build trust, you're gonna get upset when you find out they only want to break things. Some people are toxic and nothing you can do or say can change that. They don't want to be on your page, they don't want to think, consider, or address anything from anyone else. They cannot be reasoned with. What Dr C is saying is you gotta just accept that. Maybe the conflict won't be resolved but you approached it in a healthy manner and walked away without being pulled into the toxic behaviour patterns. Yesterday I tried to bring up a minor issue with my roommate and expected a simple "oh whoops sorry" instead i got the stink eye and "k." then blown off moments later when i asked her to pass me something with an "im busy" as she scrolled on her phone. It felt shitty, dismissive, and invalidating, esp as we'd recently had a conversation about being more open to address things like this. I had higher expectations so her response came as a huge blow, made me angry in response, and I just had to walk away so as not to snap back at her and escalate the issue. Instead i became avoidant and shut down while trying to sublimate all my anger into logic and reason and distractions, and it completely ruined my day. Couldn't look at her without getting mad, but desperately trying to stop myself from responding with pettiness. Why though? It was a minor issue, but because I had expectations of her response and subsequent treatment of me that she didn't live up to, so I ended up more upset about that than the original issue. It's a day later and I cant say that the issue is resolved or not, it might still keep happening, I dunno, but I know that conversation was **not** a healthy resolution. If I could do it again I'd go in more bluntly, less careful of her feelings and more direct and to the point, and then leave, instead of trying to say things in a nice way and expecting her to respond in kind and treat me the same as she would if I hadn't brought it up. Just say, "The thing you did caused me this problem. I've told you twice and you're still doing it. There is no good reason to keep doing it. I don't like it, and I want you to stop." Regardless of her response, that's what i should have said and just left it at that. Let her respond however she responds and move on with my life. At this point I should realize she's never gonna respond positively to anything that can possibly be interpreted as criticism no matter how I phrase it or explain it. I don't need her to be positive, I just need to assert my needs then do my best to fulfil my own self, because no one else is gonna do it for me.
Thank you absolutely. I am going through a court case that has dragged on for 3 years now. I am so grateful that you put into calm and composed words all the human factors that interfere with reason and with reasonable negotiations. I feel good that I have been doing it right, (not perfect) but am a healthy and balanced person.
I enjoyed this video, laying down the egotism is such an important factor for relationships. I added the words " calmness, firmness, decency and dignity on a note card. I keep the note card on the fridge, as a reminder when conflicts pop up. The other note card I have is " cut them some slack". They are visible reminders to keep me in a calmer state. If I stay focused and calm, maybe my husband can to. Again, this was a good video. Thank you.
Have lived with this topic now for days after an enormous discovery of betrayal by ex who I loved for 40 years. I can research it more and I feel EGO is a masculine word indicating a need to dominate. I believe most abused women and men have weak egos. Women are generally relational by culture yet this culture insists we get an ego. I suggest the male ego has done great damage and will watch when I feel triggered, and at this moment if find the word ego needs to be considered. We all need healthy egos and I find the word egotism demeaning for the abused and for true spiritual beings, too abstract unless we get it is about dominance, not spiritual relational being. I meditated today and listened to a guided meditation regarding SHAME and as you mention elsewhere, we need to handle STATES OF BEING. Ego is about leaving our true spirit and asserting. So at this moment, I move away from feeling my ego has been wronged when I assert in anger. Anger yes. But ego no. That we are an ego-based culture has believe caused many problems as some below see it as narcissism. I now agree. We ALL need healthy narcissism, seen as self-love but ego truly does need to stay in check. I circle around and perhaps agree and suggest when we get triggered and angry we recognize that our authentic self may be aching and NOT our ego and that that be a key to back down and return to our hearts. I do not like the word ego.
I admit that I go out of my way to avoid conflict which isn't always healthy. Fear is at the core of that: fear that I won't communicate well; fear that someone will lose control of their temper; fear that the other person won't listen to me; fear that both the issue and the relationship will take a turn for the worse as offense and resentment grows. As a kid, trying to express my needs or concerns usually brought rages, blame, and punishment. I have also had family members and coworkers pretend to be empathetic, convincing me to share my thoughts and feelings in confidence, only to use them against me shortly thereafter in a mocking smear campaign full of contempt as they wrongly judge my heart and motivation, usually behind my back. My life motto: love people, but don't trust them. These beliefs make conflict resolution fairly difficult generally.
Dr. Carter, I've watched you a handful of times now and have enjoyed each time. Very sound advice. Unfortunately, so many people live in their egos and cannot set it aside. Therefore, not many resolutions are made.
My hope is that everyone would just get along without trying to prove points that’s one thing I Shy away from conflict I rather just be wrong then try to prove a point my point it’s not worth it thank you Mr. wonderful for a beautiful presentation well done!
Really appreciate this 'Invest in some mud boots'. I've been part of a group that I learn a lot from, but have several situations where I have walked away feeling angry because of a thoughtless personal interaction from one of them, or sometimes - it's just been something that strikes an anger chord in myself - which is really interesting because it doesn't happen to me in other places. I recognize the anger is my own problem, but have been wondering if it might be better off just to find a new group. I think this helped me see that I'm just at a crossing point where I need to master the mud boot, or I will always be limiting the people I can show love to.
Conflict is a good learning experience. One discovers parts of themselves that need works, as well as parts that one denies; one also discovers what they are made of. It's All good! 🐡🐇🌾🌿🌼
Wow, what a positive uplifting idea with the new channel and new videos too. I look forward to it. The real work begins with the "inside" of all of us. Think better talk better live better and encourage others around us to.do the same. Thank you for this amazing journey. Have an amazing Easter and spring. Tell Max the Wonder dog, his idea is great.
Your videos are akin to a grandfather with a Phd dispensing great life advice. I thoroughly enjoy them and share with my young nieces, friends and family.
I second the emotion of fashehc. The expanded focus of these videos is helpful to me every day. Thanks so much and a hig hello to Gus. He's a fine example of how to deal with the human race!
Thank you for showing us where we all can improve upon as well. It’s easy to let our ego get in the way when we’re not being heard. Very helpful video.
The ego sometimes reminds me of an umberella. Some people wouldn't think of stepping into the rain without an umberella. Sorta like a fear of the "rain". Others, willingly and without reservation, step into the "rain" without an umberella. They are unafraid. They get wet....so what? Or like you said, grab the mud boots.
Such great advice on conflict resolution and helpful because some days are overwhelming in dealing with others emotional needs and my own needs as well .I have have a pair mudd boots! (: but i really love my slippers! :) Have a good day Dr Carter....and Guss too.
Hello, Dr. Carter, Thank you for your insights - I find them so helpful. I was wondering if you have any idea if there is something new in the discussion about narcissism in the last couple of decades. Why is it that people talked about neuroticism 50 or so years ago, but they believed these people could change, and now the discussion seems to involve mostly saving the victims? I know that is the right thing to do, but I don't understand why the narcissist is being isolated like a devil, a horror - well, I do understand it, and I saw a really terrifying video by Sun Lion about the covert narcissist - and the video basically said "get out! get out! get out! Remove yourself from this evil, or you will be dragged down into the muck yourself" Has something changed? Is it our job mainly to just get out? This is kind of horrifying too, when family members and supposedly human beings are involved. Please excuse this rant. I understand if you don't have an immediate response. And thank you again!
To me, the primary ingredient is honesty. Without that, nothing can get resolved and narcs are, among other things, all too often liars or lack the capacity to take others views into consideration.
This is good and helpful advice. I think we too often focus on getting the other person to understand us that we overlook the impact our words may have on them and consequently hinder resolution.
My stubborness has been misplaced. Rather than hanging onto a position, that is just as likely to be wrong, I will hang onto my standard of behavior. That being, to keep a cool head, to be respectful, to listen and to firmly walk away when not being respected.
It's hard not to insult sometimes:)) My brother stopped talking to me because he said I don't answer the phone when he calls. So, I kept calling and he would not answer. After 6 months, he sends a text asking for money. So, I didnt respond. He then texted me a few weeks ago and said he was coming over to visit. So, I told him he was not invited. I think we need to have a conversation before he just shows up to my home like nothing happened. It's a challenge to manage these situations properly.
Yes it is a challenge. My positive stubbornness leads me to the conclusion that I don't want to become like the difficult person I am in conflict with. Dr. C
Congratulations for your new channel Dr Carter, thank you for your interesting videos. I was wondering if you could make a video on how we can teach our children about toxic people and how they can deal with them . Thank you
Often narcissists seem to expect us to react the same way they do even when there is no evidence that we have. Because there is an false expectations toward us the narcissist reacts before we even answer a matter. They react in kind before the "in kind" actually happens. My response to personal attacks is to slink away frustrated, I am left in shock unable to respond because the attack is so off the wall. I have gone away often wishing I had said this or that, but then realized that the Holy Spirit kept me from responding at all. As I studied the matter of narcissism I realized a response would have fed the beast but as it was there was no argument because I had no response. They kept trying though until they finally gave up and disappeared. I guess they got tired of only having themselves to look at.
It’s all well and good until someone’s ego won’t allow you to be an authentic person. How I can say “I Feel Lonely” and they hear you saying they are awful so instead of working on a way to be more close, you then get to hear how awful you are and that you shouldn’t be lonely or it’s your own fault you are lonely and end up talking about how they are lonely. Crazy Making. When you are told time and again that your feelings don’t matter and your married to this person. After 16 years, I just believe their alternate reality.
You pick up on the unfortunate truth that these people cannot be considered an intimate or an insider. Those types of relationship will have to be found elsewhere. Dr. C
This is a really helpful vid. Dr. Carter helps me put on my mud boots (Wellington’s) to walk or run through the cheat grass. The Lord knows I’m up to my butt in human cheaters errrr cheat grass.
I never expect anything from them ... what I have to offer is given freely from myself as they do not recipicate..ever...So I never expect anything in return .. I take care of them out of respect as my parents until the end ..and I’ve done what I feel is right .. I can sleep at night..
One time I went on a job interview, during which the interviewer asked so many damn questions about conflict and how I handle it that I actually started worrying that I was about to enter a toxic work environment and was GLAD that they never called me back. I think there might be a LITTLE more to a work environment than being steeped in conflict & I couldn't understand why none of my answers ever satisfied him. He kept wanting to know what I was going to do to solve it if another I made someone else upset and asking what am I going to do to remedy the problem. Nothing I said satisfied him. I started thinking that he believes other people are responsible for his feelings. There's a limit to what I can do to make other people feel better.
I love your help especially on focus on healthy way to respond. It’s also good when you point out so kindly that the victim/ me doesn’t always do things right & wants some “slack”---which I rarely get teehee....they are great at pointing out my flaws. I know people think of the ego as prideful and defensive at times. Just wondering isn’t the ego the manager between the id & superego? So isn’t it the id that gets defensive? All about me impulses?
Yesterday I did something great. Great for me. That only I can state that claim. . . Years ago. My sister had a friend. Who is 4 years older than me. At the time I was going thru a breakup that broke my heart so much. I didn't know any other way to express it, but to emote extreme self destruction. . . I was hanging with my sister and we were so called friends. And this friend of hers would show interest. Like a forbidden fruit kind of thing. Flirting. Liked the attention I gave so forth. . . A lot of false promises from this friend of hangouts. And ditch outs to go be with other guys. My sister being the product of my parents, showed the most asshole interaction. That it woke my eyes to who she really was. I was 27 by the time I fully learned enough to go see a therapist. And I turned my life into a great direction. I am still on that path now. . . This friend dissapeared back into the darkness. For 7 years. And and I built my life up. . . My sister. Knowing to have a Big Mouth. Which pretty much everyone I've ever encountered has said as much. Even her closest friends. Probably had been relaying stories about me. As during the holidays I spent more time with that side of family than I had in quite a while. Low and behold, this friend starts to circle back. With pretty much the same antics as before. Even flirting with me, with looks, while no one is looking, in my mother's house, while sister is sick in her bedroom, saying she Only came over to check on my sis. . . This friend started to come around and I knew. I texted her a night after she left, to test her resolve. I knew she was full of it. No response. As these types don't respond to people, for power trips. I wrote the next morning and told her no. Probably not a good idea. Zero response of course then. . . Fast forward, and mom has a party on May 5th. I was given the heads up by mom that this girl will be there weeks ago. Is it a game that mom also plays with me. ? -Considering my interactions with this girl years ago Mirrored my upbringing that mom would do to me as well.! I texted my mom just about as much of a line in the sand I could think. In my own way. Non attacking but giving my peace. And said no. I appreciate the invite but here are the reasons why. Sister issues included. As my sis likes to hold power over me, like her friend belongs to her, not me. Also her friend is a massive drug head. As a date years ago, describing the drugs she uses, was like she was describing the love of her children. I knew then it was bad. Even as I stayed in years ago to try for more interaction. . . I've really learned a lot since then. . . Of course No response from mom either. She gets afraid I become aware of what's around me. Including her. . . Also worried her own stuff will be exposed. I.e 38 year old sister living with her as her defacto husband. . . Toying with her as well. Doesn't want me to mess it up. Her games she runs and life. . . As these issues are addressed. I have more and more of a realization to leave this all behind. And pursue my dreams. . . Everyday I get closer. And I have a pretty good list growing in ways to operate myself, in opposition and opposed to how my parents essentially would want me to live. It's getting pretty good. This walk thru what I'm walking thru. . . The crazy thing is Truely doing it alone, away from these so called people who say they support me. But I want to leave. This back n forth with them. As their anger towards life, I won't let them redirect it towards me. To make me feel bad. Which is in essence. . . Keeping me right where I am forever. Or till there gone. . . No Thanks. J.Rs getting stronger. . . . . Thank You. P.s rereading what I just wrote here. . . It makes it real to not bullshit myself. . . Also there's some good stuff coming out if it. The big one is. Don't try to change the world they live in. . . It's a waste of time. . . This is still just preliminary. But I want to focus on creating my own for me. I'm definitely not starting from nothing. ! Thanks.
So balanced! Wish Id seen this before i blew an old association out of the water,yesterday. It IS possible to part ways with dignity. I really did not care about it. live n (hopefully) learn
Non Narcissistic person meets Narcissistic wall and calmly raises an issue without blame. It goes like this. You, know, many years have passed since that incident between us. Because conversation and communication has been stifled, I feel the elephant in the room has been quietly growing and is suffocating the quality, closeness and openness of our relationship. I wouldn't mind discussing that incident with you as I could really use some answers and some closure. Narcissistic Response. " If you don't shut up I won't be around to wipe your ass when you get old" Possible Responses to that comment. 1. Shut up and put up, allow the resentment to slowly suffocate you, knowing full well that this response is an invitation to enter into a one sided controlling and abusive relationship where precidents for imbalance of power and disrespect is being set. 2. Maintain your dignity and independence. Answer: Don't you worry about who will be wiping my ass, you worry about who will be wiping yours. Say NO. Decline the invitation to enter into an abusive relationship and walk away. I opted for option #2 Result. Narcissistic Silent Treatment. The stand off is now lasting years. I lost my daughter but it would be worse if I had lost myself. Had I chosen to "Shut up" as I was ordered to, in the end, the result would have been the same in addition to my likely having endured years of abuse while suffering in silence. Sometimes you just have to say NO and walk away. What have I really lost? I lost a daughter who doesn't love me, someone not the least bit interested in my welfare, my welbeing. Is that a loss?
Once you've gained self-respect, you never loose it. You opted for the only choice you had, be at peace with your decision, no matter how hard it was then or is now. Unfortunately, some people has had their ego beaten up so badly early in their life that they will carry the "scars" and be left egotistically handicapped forever. They will not change because they cannot acknowledge their situation. Their grow to be bitter, frustrated and don't understand what's going on. Very sad, just be grateful that you're out of it and can be true to your own self. Surround yourself with people that bring out the best in you! Good luck!😊
There are 'irreconcilable conflicts' in marriage. They are diffused (but never fully resolved) through compromise. Problems arise, however, as the number of 'compromises' pile up over time. No way around it.
At this point I have no relationship with my daughter in law, and my son seems dominated and overwhelmed. She’s definitely chosen to make me an adversary, has limited my interaction with my grandson, but does seem to respond a bit to my opinion.
I wanna rip their heads off. What I should do: hold my boundaries, let go of my feelings or outcome . Trust more. And laying down my ego...hmm..my needs???
There are innate "rules" to conflict resolution, like keeping a clean tongue, which includes not saying anything mean or inflammatory, saying nothing unkind, but staying on the singular subject in a wholesome manner that shows/lives respect to the other person, walking in kindness through one's Life, "walking in Love." If we don't walk in kindness, more pain and problems will be created, which creates more mess. Keep it little; don't dig a pit. If you dig a pit, you can sure you will fall into it. Walk together, in the same direction, don't be oppositional. "How can two walk together unless they be agreed?" Choose to find common ground, choose to love, choose to walk in kindness. People say that love is a feeling. While love *can have a feeling, it's not a feeling in and of itself. It's a verb that acts in a manner that is best for the long term interest of the other person. Emotional attachment is not the same thing as love. A person can be emotionally attached to someone whose best interests they do not have at heart. Love is not a noun, it is a verb, it's what you do, it's how you act, it's how you treat people when no one else is looking. One has to get clear on what they love: do they love in truth? or do they chiefly love their ego? Good character will respond to a stranger with kindness, not because they are emotionally involved with them (which they aren't), but because they are *choosing to walk in kindness. That in turn will, over time, have a side-effect of self-respect. Instead of choosing ego, we need to choose *respect. If the other person is dishonest, manipulative, ongoingly oppositional or narcissistic, and refusing to cleanly resolve issues, then we will have to face that and part company, as opposition to the truth and peace aren't compatible.
C U Next Time 😂😂😂 Probably a good time for me to be add super immature and inappropriate to my long list of issues I desperately should want to start working on... right below where I left off... professional procrastinator.
I'm glad you are going beyond narcissism. There are non-narcissistic difficulties people face and I think you are going to delve into them on this channel. Thank you.
That's the point! Thanks for jumping on board! Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter I'm wondering if egotism is an easier label to accept than narcissism. Many of my difficulties are mildly narcissistic and seeing and labeling the other person's tendencies as narcissistic has tended to reinforce my ego. It wasn't productive to share your previous videos because the other person got defensive. I am eager to share this video because it describes many of our "conversations" clearly, respectfully and compassionately. Thank you
I wanted to add that watching your videos over the past year has comforted, encouraged and strengthened me immeasurably.
Oh, mud boots... what a metaphor! Thanks, dr Les!
Dr. Carter is relaxing to listen to and learn from.
A soft answer turns away wrath: but grievous words stirs up anger. - Prv 15:1
Anger is a part of relationships but when one lets go of their tongue all kinds of destruction are soon to follow.
Remaining humble in response is pivotal.
I agree. Also james chapter 1-3 is helpful too. God bless everyone who tries to follow God's word😊
This is such an important topic, especially as I am only now learning to assert my boundaries for the first time in my life. This video has helped me to see that I can engage in conflict resolution from an objective instead of emotional perspective whilst still asserting my boundaries in a healthy, respectful manner regardless of how the other may behave. Thank you for all that you do. I have been watching your videos for a few months now and my growth has been exponential, it is just astonishing. This is he healthiest and most self-assured I have ever been and I just want you to know the difference you have made to me personally and to say thank you! I look forward to the next video :)
Lay down ego!
Note to self:
1) have moderate expectations
2) make room for less than desirable characteristics in the other person
3) as you speak your needs and stipulations speak with utter respect, decorum.
Laying down egotism allows you to find strength .
Strength is played out through your calmness, firmness, decency and dignity.
We're on the same page! Dr. C
So true! Tame the ego and you can’t be touched! You’ll truly be at peace inside.
Jo Biden school
Wear mud boots!
Most ppl do not want to grow period. It is useless to even state that there is a conflict. I’ve done this even writing a heartfelt letter to the person and that so called friend did not even respond. Once that happens I’m just done. Some ppl are just toxic.
I've written a few heartfelt letters in my time with respect and these letters are ignored. I don't think there is any respect for this kind of letter anymore, generally because most people don't write letters, and because they don't write letters, they don't understand the careful thought and work that has gone into them.
I agree. Even writing emails can be too laborious for a lot of people. They just want to be catered too & if you won’t they can get a cheap hotel and waitress.
I have always found it a struggle when I have done the work to learn how to do what is suggested here but find myself engaged with others who have not done the same and refuse to do so. Now I see that's my ego stepping in and saying, "Well, I have done the work, why can't you!?" ... I think the goal is healthy two way communication but really it's about maintaining my healthy communication and hoping the other person will do the same and if not, accepting they cannot without losing my own sense of dignity and respect for myself AND them. Wow, hard, especially depending on the relationship and circumstances.
Brad Connexion right, if they have not done the work to deal with their issues...I find they get offended and offensive. When I'm just trying to have a discussion?
Very well put, Brad.
I love this! This is very helpful as I learn how to build healthy friendships outside of my Narc husband. My parents NEVER fought in front of me growing up and I kind of wish they would have at least shown a little conflict so I could learn how to deal with it. All I learned was to swallow anger, sadness and stress. Thank you for helping me to unlearn a lifetime of bad habits in dealing with people.
These mudboots? Should they be for one monsoon season or shall I invest in heavy duty, foul weather, below zero insulated, fisherman waders? Many thanks to you Dr. Les, humor and wisdom are main ingredients in this journey. All the best to each of us!
Martial arts is how I lay my Ego down. Pushing each other past our boundaries. And taking care of each other. Respect.
Yes! Dr. C
Thank you Dr Les. So much anger and hurt beneath the surface of the narcissists cloak of shame. Only looking at them with the eyes of Christ will show us the path to take with them. God bless
Amen....very true, and well-said. God bless!
I spoked my needs and I said it with respect and civility which for me helps me not fill guilty. That's a blessing for me.
Thank you so much Dr Carter. I watch your videos everyday. I need to keep my mind together. My father, mother in law, sister in law are narcissist. I have to protect myself ..God bless you!! Thank you so much!!
Self awareness is essential, so I'm pleased you're working on it. Glad to be part of your processing! Dr. C
Thank you- maintain doing what what we know to be right with our ego in check... got it!
I ran across your videos when I got another silent treatment. Now I'm watching these videos
because my ego is saying I need to learn to fix me, and not anyone else. Nobody's perfect.
You get it! Keep leaning forward. Dr. C
Thanks for the compassionate and very practical advice!
I love when life throws you interesting coincidences. As I'm listening to Dr. Carter today, I am actually waiting for new mud boots to be delivered! The Cosmos has spoken! Mud Boots. I'm exchanging my ego for mud boots and a trip to the UK to breathe.
Maybe I should start a new line of boots. Dr. C
I can be a stubborn one at times, but you are right. It's better to end the conflict and move on. I've had to do that with my ex for our child's sake. After he cheated, I knew I could never trust him again, so I asked him to leave. There was no need for me to tell him what a lowlife I thought he was. But I was right in my decision. Our baby was 9 months old when I ask him to leave, it took 12 years for him to ever lay eyes on her again. I never tried to keep him from her. It was her decision to get to know him. They do have a relationship to this day. She is now 26 and doing great in her chosen profession. I did my best to raise her with confidence and love. Hope you have a great evening Dr. C. Thank you for reminding me to always be my best.
I think you are absolutely right about ego, what I’m doing now is considering the people I’m hanging out with or being friends with and I’m canceling a lot of people out based on what I feel they are doing in my life, and whether they are a positive impact in my life. I have taken my fair share of users, abusers, and people who want to control me. I am my own person, and I don’t need anyone dictating who I need to be just to please them. It’s funny how once you start seeing the picture clearly for what it is, everything starts falling into place. The games some people play are very damaging, and I’m waking up to it quickly. Much 💙✌️🙏✝️ Dr. C
This is fantastic introductory video to the issue of conflict resolution and a lot of what was discussed can be made into other videos. I do think it is so important to have awareness of how physiologically we can get "hijacked" and not be in the moment during conflict: we are prepared to answer back, we are defensive, we retaliate by trying to hurt the other person because we may be hurt. Issues of blame, shame, deflection, victimhood, and misunderstanding are part of what makes us human. There is a book by Donna Hicks called Dignity: The Essential Role it Plays in Conflict that I have read and I am going to read again. I appreciated her approach to remembering that conflict is part of our raw humanity and that there's opportunity for the participants to walk out of conflict empowered and having learned something about themselves and the other party or parties. Not everyone has the ability to have insight into what is it about a disagreement and what is it about the other person that is causing the disagreement. Not everyone likes conflict and some people retreat from it also. At the very least, conflict reminds us of how unique we are and conflict can also serve as a way to really evaluate what we value and what is truly important to us. Having healthy boundaries and compassion for the reality of conflict, especially with our most important relationships, is to acknowledge "the beauty of our imperfections" as Brene Brown states in one of her videos.
I think what you said about make room for undesirable characteristics is really a good point you made. I can’t change people but I can meet them where they are and make adjustments. Here’s the the answer to my problem today. Now I can relax and go to the beach.
the number one ingredient for resolving a conflict, imo, is that the parties involved have to want to try and resolve the conflict! if one party doesn't want to participate in resolving a dispute it doesn't matter how many tools are available to aid in coming to an agreeable outcome. there cannot be nor will there be a resolution.
Getting on the same page is the hard part. They need to be insightful enough to understand what you mean.
@@trishg8852 i dont know. isnt getting on the same page the goal? as in both people collaborating to formulate a shared desired outcome. can't do that if someone doesn't want to participate
can't get on the same page if someone refuses to
@@trishg8852 I think it has to begin with respect. Not the kind of respect one earns in life through achievement, but basic, baseline humanity, and the willingness to try to see and understand the "other's" viewpoint, rather than sight unseen dismissiveness.
All y'all, the point here is that you can't make the other person want to resolve the conflict with you. Sometimes they **want** to be in conflict. Sometimes they want to escalate the conflict. No matter what tools you come in with, no work is gonna get done if they refuse to participate. That's where the ego and expectations come in.
If you expect them to even hear you out, you're gonna be wildly disappointed if they've got their ears turned off. If you expect them to help to build trust, you're gonna get upset when you find out they only want to break things. Some people are toxic and nothing you can do or say can change that. They don't want to be on your page, they don't want to think, consider, or address anything from anyone else. They cannot be reasoned with.
What Dr C is saying is you gotta just accept that. Maybe the conflict won't be resolved but you approached it in a healthy manner and walked away without being pulled into the toxic behaviour patterns.
Yesterday I tried to bring up a minor issue with my roommate and expected a simple "oh whoops sorry" instead i got the stink eye and "k." then blown off moments later when i asked her to pass me something with an "im busy" as she scrolled on her phone. It felt shitty, dismissive, and invalidating, esp as we'd recently had a conversation about being more open to address things like this.
I had higher expectations so her response came as a huge blow, made me angry in response, and I just had to walk away so as not to snap back at her and escalate the issue. Instead i became avoidant and shut down while trying to sublimate all my anger into logic and reason and distractions, and it completely ruined my day. Couldn't look at her without getting mad, but desperately trying to stop myself from responding with pettiness.
Why though? It was a minor issue, but because I had expectations of her response and subsequent treatment of me that she didn't live up to, so I ended up more upset about that than the original issue. It's a day later and I cant say that the issue is resolved or not, it might still keep happening, I dunno, but I know that conversation was **not** a healthy resolution.
If I could do it again I'd go in more bluntly, less careful of her feelings and more direct and to the point, and then leave, instead of trying to say things in a nice way and expecting her to respond in kind and treat me the same as she would if I hadn't brought it up. Just say, "The thing you did caused me this problem. I've told you twice and you're still doing it. There is no good reason to keep doing it. I don't like it, and I want you to stop."
Regardless of her response, that's what i should have said and just left it at that. Let her respond however she responds and move on with my life. At this point I should realize she's never gonna respond positively to anything that can possibly be interpreted as criticism no matter how I phrase it or explain it. I don't need her to be positive, I just need to assert my needs then do my best to fulfil my own self, because no one else is gonna do it for me.
Thank you absolutely.
I am going through a court case that has dragged on for 3 years now.
I am so grateful that you put into calm and composed words all the human factors that interfere with reason and with reasonable negotiations.
I feel good that I have been doing it right, (not perfect) but am a healthy and balanced person.
I enjoyed this video, laying down the egotism is such an important factor for relationships. I added the words " calmness, firmness, decency and dignity on a note card. I keep the note card on the fridge, as a reminder when conflicts pop up. The other note card I have is " cut them some slack". They are visible reminders to keep me in a calmer state. If I stay focused and calm, maybe my husband can to. Again, this was a good video. Thank you.
Thank you Dr. Carter. ...you messages are valuable in negotiating the very bumpy road of every day life.
At almost 30 I feel as though I’m being Re-parented by Dr. C, no complaints, just gratitude!!!
Thank you very much Dr. Carter!
Thank you once again Dr. CARTER FOR A HELPFUL VIDEO.
This is so helpful in dealing with conflict... this is what I want to be ... ty dr carter!
Have lived with this topic now for days after an enormous discovery of betrayal by ex who I loved for 40 years. I can research it more and I feel EGO is a masculine word indicating a need to dominate. I believe most abused women and men have weak egos.
Women are generally relational by culture yet this culture insists we get an ego. I suggest the male ego has done great damage and will watch when I feel triggered, and at this moment if find the word ego needs to be considered.
We all need healthy egos and I find the word egotism demeaning for the abused and for true spiritual beings, too abstract unless we get it is about dominance, not spiritual relational being. I meditated today and listened to a guided meditation regarding SHAME and as you mention elsewhere, we need to handle STATES OF BEING. Ego is about leaving our true spirit and asserting. So at this moment, I move away from feeling my ego has been wronged when I assert in anger. Anger yes. But ego no.
That we are an ego-based culture has believe caused many problems as some below see it as narcissism. I now agree.
We ALL need healthy narcissism, seen as self-love but ego truly does need to stay in check. I circle around and perhaps agree and suggest when we get triggered and angry we recognize that our authentic self may be aching and NOT our ego and that that be a key to back down and return to our hearts. I do not like the word ego.
I admit that I go out of my way to avoid conflict which isn't always healthy. Fear is at the core of that: fear that I won't communicate well; fear that someone will lose control of their temper; fear that the other person won't listen to me; fear that both the issue and the relationship will take a turn for the worse as offense and resentment grows.
As a kid, trying to express my needs or concerns usually brought rages, blame, and punishment. I have also had family members and coworkers pretend to be empathetic, convincing me to share my thoughts and feelings in confidence, only to use them against me shortly thereafter in a mocking smear campaign full of contempt as they wrongly judge my heart and motivation, usually behind my back. My life motto: love people, but don't trust them. These beliefs make conflict resolution fairly difficult generally.
Excellent advice. Thank you Doctor.
Dr. Carter,
I've watched you a handful of times now and have enjoyed each time. Very sound advice. Unfortunately, so many people live in their egos and cannot set it aside. Therefore, not many resolutions are made.
I think I need to replay this one. So thought provoking, thank you! Oh and helpful!
My hope is that everyone would just get along without trying to prove points that’s one thing I Shy away from conflict I rather just be wrong then try to prove a point my point it’s not worth it thank you Mr. wonderful for a beautiful presentation well done!
Marcy..thanks again! Dr. C
Really appreciate this 'Invest in some mud boots'. I've been part of a group that I learn a lot from, but have several situations where I have walked away feeling angry because of a thoughtless personal interaction from one of them, or sometimes - it's just been something that strikes an anger chord in myself - which is really interesting because it doesn't happen to me in other places. I recognize the anger is my own problem, but have been wondering if it might be better off just to find a new group. I think this helped me see that I'm just at a crossing point where I need to master the mud boot, or I will always be limiting the people I can show love to.
Conflict is a good learning experience. One discovers parts of themselves that need works, as well as parts that one denies; one also discovers what they are made of.
It's All good! 🐡🐇🌾🌿🌼
Conflict can create growth if you let it. Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter Then there is resistence to growth. 😁
@@DrLesCarter however, I have found, there was no resolving the imaginary conflicts, my ex-narc created. I had to research it, and then it made sense.
Wow, what a positive uplifting idea with the new channel and new videos too. I look forward to it. The real work begins with the "inside" of all of us. Think better talk better live better and encourage others around us to.do the same. Thank you for this amazing journey. Have an amazing Easter and spring. Tell Max the Wonder dog, his idea is great.
Thanks!!! Dr. C
What a great video for behavior modification with teen and adult groups!
I just turn and walk away.. They can’t argue with me if I’m not there ...
How true
Thank you, thank you for this new series.
I can relate to “I’m right why can’t you understand that” because I’ve used almost those exact words.
Common sense good advice which I need to remind myself of often!
Thanks!
Dr. Carter. We love you very much so ❤ xxxxx
Your videos are akin to a grandfather with a Phd dispensing great life advice. I thoroughly enjoy them and share with my young nieces, friends and family.
So pleased. Dr. C
I second the emotion of fashehc. The expanded focus of these videos is helpful to me every day. Thanks so much and a hig hello to Gus. He's a fine example of how to deal with the human race!
Thank you for your time.
Thank you for showing us where we all can improve upon as well. It’s easy to let our ego get in the way when we’re not being heard. Very helpful video.
The ego sometimes reminds me of an umberella. Some people wouldn't think of stepping into the rain without an umberella. Sorta like a fear of the "rain".
Others, willingly and without reservation, step into the "rain" without an umberella. They are unafraid. They get wet....so what?
Or like you said, grab the mud boots.
I love this great visual. Thanks
Such great advice on conflict resolution and helpful because some days are overwhelming in dealing with others emotional needs and my own needs as well .I have have a pair mudd boots! (: but i really love my slippers! :) Have a good day Dr Carter....and Guss too.
Staying on topic helps too
Thank you Dr! Always spot-on!✌🏾❤️✊🏾
So excited for this your new channel and all that awaits! Thank you, you do so much to help so many! Have a blessed Easter Dr. C.
Glad you're on board, Raschelle! Dr. C
I love your work on both channels! I only wish both sides could see it.
Thanks for the helps about conflict resolution. I’m going to try these in dealing with my teenage son. Looking forward to more on this subject.
Thanks a lot for your videos, you're very skilled at shedding light on my issues and situations, and the optimal ways to handle them. *Taking notes*.
Hello, Dr. Carter, Thank you for your insights - I find them so helpful. I was wondering if you have any idea if there is something new in the discussion about narcissism in the last couple of decades. Why is it that people talked about neuroticism 50 or so years ago, but they believed these people could change, and now the discussion seems to involve mostly saving the victims? I know that is the right thing to do, but I don't understand why the narcissist is being isolated like a devil, a horror - well, I do understand it, and I saw a really terrifying video by Sun Lion about the covert narcissist - and the video basically said "get out! get out! get out! Remove yourself from this evil, or you will be dragged down into the muck yourself" Has something changed? Is it our job mainly to just get out? This is kind of horrifying too, when family members and supposedly human beings are involved. Please excuse this rant. I understand if you don't have an immediate response. And thank you again!
I really like the intro to this video. The DRC, the music, graphics are great.
And there’s the content...😊
Thanks! Dr. C
Thank you Dr Carter!
To me, the primary ingredient is honesty. Without that, nothing can get resolved and narcs are, among other things, all too often liars or lack the capacity to take others views into consideration.
This is good and helpful advice. I think we too often focus on getting the other person to understand us that we overlook the impact our words may have on them and consequently hinder resolution.
Beautiful metaphor at the end.
I am glad you are doing this it is helping greatly.
My stubborness has been misplaced. Rather than hanging onto a position, that is just as likely to be wrong, I will hang onto my standard of behavior. That being, to keep a cool head, to be respectful, to listen and to firmly walk away when not being respected.
Very helpful! Thank you!
I try my best to act in a professional manner, I don;t think i"m egotistical, i. I try to be grounded and humble.
My life isn't going to be lived there. If people aren't going to do the simple relationship basics, then neither am I - not with them anyway.
It's hard not to insult sometimes:)) My brother stopped talking to me because he said I don't answer the phone when he calls. So, I kept calling and he would not answer. After 6 months, he sends a text asking for money. So, I didnt respond. He then texted me a few weeks ago and said he was coming over to visit. So, I told him he was not invited. I think we need to have a conversation before he just shows up to my home like nothing happened. It's a challenge to manage these situations properly.
Yes it is a challenge. My positive stubbornness leads me to the conclusion that I don't want to become like the difficult person I am in conflict with. Dr. C
Wonderful spirit.
Thank You
Talk it out! Depends on the severity of actions taken, involving the conflict! "mud boots" I like it! will remember this ! lol
This is great. I have evolved as I am getting older. Firm not mean. Getting in an aggresive in tbe gutter situation. Def sign of immaturity
Congratulations for your new channel Dr Carter, thank you for your interesting videos. I was wondering if you could make a video on how we can teach our children about toxic people and how they can deal with them . Thank you
Thanks, I keep a list of suggestions! Dr. C
Spoke as if you were in my home. On a daily basis we have No resolution, being attacked and put in competition daily is grueling.
Often narcissists seem to expect us to react the same way they do even when there is no evidence that we have. Because there is an false expectations toward us the narcissist reacts before we even answer a matter. They react in kind before the "in kind" actually happens. My response to personal attacks is to slink away frustrated, I am left in shock unable to respond because the attack is so off the wall. I have gone away often wishing I had said this or that, but then realized that the Holy Spirit kept me from responding at all. As I studied the matter of narcissism I realized a response would have fed the beast but as it was there was no argument because I had no response. They kept trying though until they finally gave up and disappeared. I guess they got tired of only having themselves to look at.
I like the saying, don't respond to evil with evil or insult with insult. I want to be the better person. (easier said than done) Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter It seems to get easier when we know what we are dealing with, at least for me.
It’s all well and good until someone’s ego won’t allow you to be an authentic person. How I can say “I Feel Lonely” and they hear you saying they are awful so instead of working on a way to be more close, you then get to hear how awful you are and that you shouldn’t be lonely or it’s your own fault you are lonely and end up talking about how they are lonely. Crazy Making. When you are told time and again that your feelings don’t matter and your married to this person. After 16 years, I just believe their alternate reality.
You pick up on the unfortunate truth that these people cannot be considered an intimate or an insider. Those types of relationship will have to be found elsewhere. Dr. C
Thank you for your reply. Even something so quick makes me feel less lost. Keep up the teaching.
Thanks that was vey helpful
Sounds like a narcissist at holiday dinner. I’m the one with the ego who feels tired of being the mature one and the immature one is older
This is a really helpful vid. Dr. Carter helps me put on my mud boots (Wellington’s) to walk or run through the cheat grass. The Lord knows I’m up to my butt in human cheaters errrr cheat grass.
I never expect anything from them ... what I have to offer is given freely from myself as they do not recipicate..ever...So I never expect anything in return .. I take care of them out of respect as my parents until the end ..and I’ve done what I feel is right .. I can sleep at night..
Exactly. High expectations become the beginning point for resentment. Dr. C
Excellent!
One time I went on a job interview, during which the interviewer asked so many damn questions about conflict and how I handle it that I actually started worrying that I was about to enter a toxic work environment and was GLAD that they never called me back.
I think there might be a LITTLE more to a work environment than being steeped in conflict & I couldn't understand why none of my answers ever satisfied him. He kept wanting to know what I was going to do to solve it if another I made someone else upset and asking what am I going to do to remedy the problem. Nothing I said satisfied him. I started thinking that he believes other people are responsible for his feelings. There's a limit to what I can do to make other people feel better.
Ability to reason, civility.
I love your help especially on focus on healthy way to respond. It’s also good when you point out so kindly that the victim/ me doesn’t always do things right & wants some “slack”---which I rarely get teehee....they are great at pointing out my flaws.
I know people think of the ego as prideful and defensive at times. Just wondering isn’t the ego the manager between the id & superego? So isn’t it the id that gets defensive? All about me impulses?
Yesterday I did something great. Great for me. That only I can state that claim. . .
Years ago. My sister had a friend. Who is 4 years older than me. At the time I was going thru a breakup that broke my heart so much. I didn't know any other way to express it, but to emote extreme self destruction. . . I was hanging with my sister and we were so called friends. And this friend of hers would show interest. Like a forbidden fruit kind of thing. Flirting. Liked the attention I gave so forth. . .
A lot of false promises from this friend of hangouts. And ditch outs to go be with other guys. My sister being the product of my parents, showed the most asshole interaction. That it woke my eyes to who she really was. I was 27 by the time I fully learned enough to go see a therapist. And I turned my life into a great direction. I am still on that path now. . .
This friend dissapeared back into the darkness. For 7 years. And and I built my life up. . . My sister. Knowing to have a Big Mouth. Which pretty much everyone I've ever encountered has said as much. Even her closest friends. Probably had been relaying stories about me. As during the holidays I spent more time with that side of family than I had in quite a while.
Low and behold, this friend starts to circle back. With pretty much the same antics as before. Even flirting with me, with looks, while no one is looking, in my mother's house, while sister is sick in her bedroom, saying she Only came over to check on my sis. . .
This friend started to come around and I knew. I texted her a night after she left, to test her resolve. I knew she was full of it. No response. As these types don't respond to people, for power trips. I wrote the next morning and told her no. Probably not a good idea. Zero response of course then. . .
Fast forward, and mom has a party on May 5th. I was given the heads up by mom that this girl will be there weeks ago. Is it a game that mom also plays with me. ? -Considering my interactions with this girl years ago Mirrored my upbringing that mom would do to me as well.!
I texted my mom just about as much of a line in the sand I could think. In my own way. Non attacking but giving my peace. And said no. I appreciate the invite but here are the reasons why. Sister issues included. As my sis likes to hold power over me, like her friend belongs to her, not me. Also her friend is a massive drug head. As a date years ago, describing the drugs she uses, was like she was describing the love of her children. I knew then it was bad. Even as I stayed in years ago to try for more interaction. . .
I've really learned a lot since then. . .
Of course No response from mom either. She gets afraid I become aware of what's around me. Including her. . . Also worried her own stuff will be exposed. I.e 38 year old sister living with her as her defacto husband. . . Toying with her as well. Doesn't want me to mess it up. Her games she runs and life. . .
As these issues are addressed. I have more and more of a realization to leave this all behind. And pursue my dreams. . . Everyday I get closer. And I have a pretty good list growing in ways to operate myself, in opposition and opposed to how my parents essentially would want me to live.
It's getting pretty good. This walk thru what I'm walking thru. . . The crazy thing is Truely doing it alone, away from these so called people who say they support me.
But I want to leave. This back n forth with them. As their anger towards life, I won't let them redirect it towards me. To make me feel bad. Which is in essence. . . Keeping me right where I am forever. Or till there gone. . .
No Thanks. J.Rs getting stronger. . . . .
Thank You.
P.s rereading what I just wrote here. . . It makes it real to not bullshit myself. . . Also there's some good stuff coming out if it. The big one is. Don't try to change the world they live in. . . It's a waste of time. . . This is still just preliminary. But I want to focus on creating my own for me. I'm definitely not starting from nothing. ! Thanks.
This video is relevant to internal conflict as well
So amazing knowledge
Good point. Can’t blame every human trait on narcissism or border line personality.
So balanced! Wish Id seen this before i blew an old association out of the water,yesterday. It IS possible to part ways with dignity. I really did not care about it. live n (hopefully) learn
Non Narcissistic person meets Narcissistic wall and calmly raises an issue without blame. It goes like this.
You, know, many years have passed since that incident between us. Because conversation and communication has been stifled, I feel the elephant in the room has been quietly growing and is suffocating the quality, closeness and openness of our relationship. I wouldn't mind discussing that incident with you as I could really use some answers and some closure.
Narcissistic Response. " If you don't shut up I won't be around to wipe your ass when you get old"
Possible Responses to that comment.
1. Shut up and put up, allow the resentment to slowly suffocate you, knowing full well that this response is an invitation to enter into a one sided controlling and abusive relationship where precidents for imbalance of power and disrespect is being set.
2. Maintain your dignity and independence. Answer: Don't you worry about who will be wiping my ass, you worry about who will be wiping yours. Say NO. Decline the invitation to enter into an abusive relationship and walk away.
I opted for option #2
Result. Narcissistic Silent Treatment. The stand off is now lasting years.
I lost my daughter but it would be worse if I had lost myself. Had I chosen to "Shut up" as I was ordered to, in the end, the result would have been the same in addition to my likely having endured years of abuse while suffering in silence. Sometimes you just have to say NO and walk away.
What have I really lost? I lost a daughter who doesn't love me, someone not the least bit interested in my welfare, my welbeing. Is that a loss?
When you do what is right and good, it is not a loss. Dr. C
Once you've gained self-respect, you never loose it. You opted for the only choice you had, be at peace with your decision, no matter how hard it was then or is now. Unfortunately, some people has had their ego beaten up so badly early in their life that they will carry the "scars" and be left egotistically handicapped forever. They will not change because they cannot acknowledge their situation. Their grow to be bitter, frustrated and don't understand what's going on. Very sad, just be grateful that you're out of it and can be true to your own self. Surround yourself with people that bring out the best in you! Good luck!😊
There are 'irreconcilable conflicts' in marriage. They are diffused (but never fully resolved) through compromise. Problems arise, however, as the number of 'compromises' pile up over time. No way around it.
Hello, when speaking about not envolving the ego. I wonder what is your definition of the ego? How would you explain it in simple terms?
At this point I have no relationship with my daughter in law, and my son seems dominated and overwhelmed. She’s definitely chosen to make me an adversary, has limited my interaction with my grandson, but does seem to respond a bit to my opinion.
I wanna rip their heads off. What I should do: hold my boundaries, let go of my feelings or outcome . Trust more. And laying down my ego...hmm..my needs???
Dr Carter what about telling the other person you think you understand what’s going on, and you hope it’s possible to move beyond that?
Saving. Thanks. Still I feel angry.
There are innate "rules" to conflict resolution, like keeping a clean tongue, which includes not saying anything mean or inflammatory, saying nothing unkind, but staying on the singular subject in a wholesome manner that shows/lives respect to the other person, walking in kindness through one's Life, "walking in Love." If we don't walk in kindness, more pain and problems will be created, which creates more mess. Keep it little; don't dig a pit. If you dig a pit, you can sure you will fall into it. Walk together, in the same direction, don't be oppositional. "How can two walk together unless they be agreed?" Choose to find common ground, choose to love, choose to walk in kindness. People say that love is a feeling. While love *can have a feeling, it's not a feeling in and of itself. It's a verb that acts in a manner that is best for the long term interest of the other person. Emotional attachment is not the same thing as love. A person can be emotionally attached to someone whose best interests they do not have at heart. Love is not a noun, it is a verb, it's what you do, it's how you act, it's how you treat people when no one else is looking. One has to get clear on what they love: do they love in truth? or do they chiefly love their ego? Good character will respond to a stranger with kindness, not because they are emotionally involved with them (which they aren't), but because they are *choosing to walk in kindness. That in turn will, over time, have a side-effect of self-respect. Instead of choosing ego, we need to choose *respect. If the other person is dishonest, manipulative, ongoingly oppositional or narcissistic, and refusing to cleanly resolve issues, then we will have to face that and part company, as opposition to the truth and peace aren't compatible.
🤙🏽💞love ya guts Doc
C U Next Time 😂😂😂
Probably a good time for me to be add super immature and inappropriate to my long list of issues I desperately should want to start working on... right below where I left off... professional procrastinator.