wedding culture is out of control
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- Опубликовано: 21 окт 2024
- Grab a cup of tea and get comfortable because we're having a wedding culture debrief! 💍☕️ expensive bachelorettes, falling out at hen dos, the diamond industry, wedding sprawl... let's talk about it.
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I think one of the underlying... Issues? With wedding culture is that it in some ways isnt really about the love and union of two people as it perhaps seems on the surface, but inherently it has become THE celebration of you as a person. If you think about what the speeches are normally about, your parents telling you they're proud of you and who you have become as a person (hopefully), your friends saying how much they love you... There just isnt anything else like that. I think birthdays used to be a thing but now it is almost... Uncool? To care about birthdays. And if you (as you mentioned in the video) dont go the traditional route of engagement, wedding, babies. There's a chance you will never be celebrated. Which I think is a bit of a shame and can become a bit of an ulterior purpose of a wedding. It isnt just about the couple, its about you as individuals getting celebrated too. So I definitely understand the psychological desire to make it... Beautiful and perfect and lavish. Because it often feels like the only chance for this.
So... In my mind, the remedy to the wedding pressure and expectations would actually be to celebrate more in the everyday. To celebrate promotions, achieving goals, birthdays, other occasions. Little and often, rather saving it up for this one night, building up the pressure both emotionally and financially.
Completely agree! So well said. We should celebrate all the big and little things in our friend's lives ... Getting a job after unemployment, recovering from an injury, leaving a toxic relationship, etc etc. Let's celebrate!!
This is a very interesting opinion. I've never thought of it this way. I always believed that there were people who had a big wedding just to throw a party rather than celebrating their vows specifically, but it makes more sense that at least part of the appeal is having an occasion to celebrate themselves, and there isn't really an outlet for that in modern society.
Very interesting point and so true.
Wow! Completely agree with this! It is very sad that you need a wedding in order to be celebrated as an individual, (sounds a bit like only being enough if you’ve finally married someone, as if that was the goal of your life).
Absolutely. We've lost a lot of the little celebrations and ritual demarcations of time over the years. We need to bring them back.
I really don't know how I want my wedding to look yet but I've seen a tiktok of a bachelorette party where they were in sweatpants, ordered pizza, and watched Shrek and immediately send it to my best friend. This is honestly all I could ever want😂
I attended a bachelorette for the first time last weekend. It was for a close friend from HS and 4 of us friends. We got a cake to dig in, made some comfort food, ate chips in bed and stayed up catching up till 2am or so. It was the best night in a very long time.
My best friend’s bachelorette party last year was this, but with Mamma Mia. And it was the night before the wedding so that people didn’t have to travel twice!
I can sooooooooooooo relate! I really want a bachelorette "party" but I think the best stuff is just a cool getaway with the best friends, doesn't have to be anything "fancy".
My best friend BP was planned by her sister. we to a big activitie centre, where there were multiple things like paintball and lasergaming. We did none of the cool stuff, we just went bowling... for just one hour (ngl I like bowling, just not my bff and not for a BP) afterwards there was a afternoon tea. It was done in like 3 hours and I was still hungry and bored a.f. we did make some cute pictures though. It felt like the sister just planned something cheap and what she'd like.
Afterwards me and 2 other friends decided to take her to a restaurant to drink wine and eat for hours and hang out abit. We then planned another bachelorette gettogether for just the four of us, with a cocktail workshop and a fancy restaurant dinner.
For mine, we rented a very cheap house in the mountains for a couple hundred, went to a winery, then came back and watched bridesmaids and had pizza. It was so fun and no one went broke.
Just wanted to mention that wearing white to your wedding is not actually an ancient symbol of purity or virginity, it's actually relatively recent. Women used to just wear their best dress to get married in and often for very rich brides their best dress would be white because white was a more difficult / expensive fabric to keep clean pre-washing machines. It was more a symbol of wealth than anything else. It was only when queen victoria wore a white dress for her wedding in 1840 that the trend really took off and has been seen as the 'traditional choice' ever since. All the ideas about purity and whatnot were kind of added in afterwards
Oh that’s SO interesting! Wow
Thank you for sharing this xx
Honestly, it took DECADES for it to become the 'traditional' choice. Those 'homemaking guide' books and fashion magazines didn't start to refer to it as such until...I think the earliest I've seen was the 1890s?
Also, from at LEAST the 1830s up until the 1920s or so white was an incredibly popular fashion color for the upper classes, particularly for evening dresses and super formal daytime events. Obviously for the conspicuous consumption reasons, much like cream/off-white sweaters and white trousers for casual wear today.
ww2+a3
I have zero intention to share any of our wedding online but photos are still the most important thing for me because they'll forever be the most accessible memories we get to keep. A lot of friends and family members will still be part of the photos in 50 years when we can't talk to them anymore and there's nothing more precious to me.
I would agree that photo and video are the things you get to keep from your wedding.
The tip I received from my Gran is that the photographer is most important. Decor and dress matter less than capturing the relationships and day well. A good photographer can do that, a bad photographer cannot. (No matter the budget of the wedding). I concur that I think about photos, not to share with others, but to revisit a day in time with family. Looking at my grandparent's wedding photos always gives me a warm feeling.
I’m SO glad someone is saying this. Weddings have gone insane. Love weddings, love seeing people so happy, but I really want everyone to come down to earth a bit and consider what is actually important to them. You don’t have to do everything the way you see celebrities do it! Also I suppose the way your parents etc did it. Do all those traditions serve you?
“You don’t have to do everything the way you see celebrities do it” yes! 👏 so well articulated! ❤
Yes I definitely think celebrity weddings has had a massive influence on what the average person thinks a wedding “should” look like!
When you mentioned lab grown diamonds "not being as pure" it reminded me of when my sambo and I bought my engagement ring, I was literally told by the jeweller that if he wasn't buying me "real" diamonds then he didn't really love me. Needless to say we went to a different jeweler.
As for the length of an engagement, I've been engaged for almost 3 years, not to prolong any celebrations, but because after we got engaged we realised how expensive weddings can be and we decided to concentrate on buying a house instead 🤷🏼♀️
Hope you find a fab home! ❤
You could always have a courthouse wedding with a nice dinner afterwards! My husband and I did that and waited 3 years to have the big celebration with family and friends.
My bf and I just went ring shopping and I'm not big on diamonds. As soon as the person helping us found out I didn't want a diamond, they lost complete interest in helping us. "Oh, our gemstone options are over there. Let me know if you need any help". Never did they ask about what type of band or placement I wanted, or style of ring. It was super disappointing!
Things I did for my wedding that I would recommend:
1. Small bridal party of 4 friends. Gave them a colour scheme to find dresses within their own budgets. Asked them to organise a bridal shower garden party in my backyard for other female- presenting guests, and then had my sisters and sister in law and bridal party stay that night for a sleepover and watch good movies. We could’ve gone out but ultimately we were tired from the day and happy to stay in our pjs. :)
2. No customised wedding favours or things like that, I totally agree how wasteful they are. Signature cocktails, all that jazz, it’s just more money spent on a party that’s already good and doesn’t need much more. For invitations my sister helped me design some invites that we just mass-printed at an office shop, and mailed out. Thought about the fancy embossed invites, but ultimately it would be so much money for something that very few people would keep.
3. Made different spotify playlists for pre ceremony, downtime, and dancing, so we could switch up the vibes as needed. Didn’t need a dj, we could access the phone from the dancefloor if we wanted to play a specific song.
3. I was conscious of the inherent ‘lose weight before your wedding’ concept in wedding dress shopping, so I went in with a clear mindset of ‘how I look now is how I’ll look then’. I shopped for the current me. I wore my glasses because I never wear contacts, and I wore flats because I don’t wear heels.
4. My sister did my hair, and I did my makeup. It saved me money and I had absolute control over how it looked ie. I looked like myself on my wedding day. I do think that hiring someone to glam you up is a luxury, not a necessity. One of my bridesmaids chose to go get her own hair and makeup done and then return while we were getting ready, the rest sorted themselves out. That was discussion I had with all of them.
5. We were selective in the traditions we observed. No garter or bouquet toss. We did a simultaneous father/daughter and mother/son dance that transitioned into our first dance. We cut the cake. The MC read ‘telegrams’ from various family and friends who couldn’t be there in person. 4 speeches total. I hadn’t heard of the bride not speaking, we stood up together and I ended up doing the thanking everyone for being there.
6. Choosing a venue which is inherently aesthetic or photogenic means your decoration can be super simple, if you decorate at all. Lovely old trees, or colourful bookshelves, were perfect backdrops for our photos.
7. Being conscious of the likelihood of feeling overwhelmed, we planned to take some time away between ceremony and reception. I also went to bed on time and didn’t drink too much the night before to maximise my chances of being resilient and in a good mood.
8. Small wedding,
Thats perfect. I sometimes joke to my mom that, if I ever get married I'd just send a card afterwards with 'we got married'😅
My bestfriend went all out with her wedding. Because she had a all in one location, it had a restaurant, a small area for ceremonies and had their own (perhaps 2 options) decoration options. I wouldn't have done it that elaborately but they did came out more affordable as opposed to planning everything themselves seperately.
@@marlena. Yes, our place was similar with an all in one location, and they had a big shed with decorations and tableware and everything so I had options but it was all included in the price, which took away so much of the stress of planning :) It's so easy to give in to the wedding industry telling you every little thing you just /have/ to have at your wedding. Knowing that there were already decorations (that I had technically already payed for) meant I could talk myself out of buying random things in the lead up to the event.
Something else I wanted to add re rings! A single new diamond on a simple band is classic, but not required. :) I wasn't sure what kind of ring I wanted, but my husband's mother gave him an inherited ring, and when we went to see about having it altered slightly, we found that it would cost the same to just redesign the whole ring. I used the stones and metal from it to have a ring made with a design that I chose and love. Ultimately it was a lot cheaper than buying a brand new ring with a similar design, because we didn't have to pay for the materials. I treated it as a combined engagement and wedding band. Any part of wedding traditions are option to reinvention and reinterpretation! I love having a ring that suits my own aesthetic preferences while still having that link to family history.
@@woirm I honestly hate wearing rings so a second hand one would do just fine, or ethically sourced. In my country (I'm dutch) most people still wear simple gold bands, and some have a bit of a design, engravement a tiny stone or small twist but nothing as elaborate as I see on social media
Your wedding sounds idyllic to me ! If our relatives got along my wedding would be just like yours but we’ll probably elope under the circumstances!
The best advice we got for our wedding was to focus on what was important to us - spend money or time on that and forget about the other stuff. For us that was the music for the ceremony and the food for the party. We hired our most talented friends to play and ordered an incredible Italian buffet. My shoes were second hand and my veil was borrowed from a friend. My grandmother was a florist when she was young so she grew and bound the wedding bouquet. We skipped cake completely and got ice cream for everyone instead. It was magical and felt like us 💒
Very very far from getting married, but the idea of growing your bouquet is super sentimental- I might have to give that one a go hehe
This sounds very similar to mine: $7 second hand wedding dress, $2 shoes, grandmother made the bouquet, friend made me the veil, rings were discounted from a big box store, dresses for maid of honor and flower girls was "whatever you have that you really like." Didn't spend on a honeymoon [went to a relative's camp]. We will be celebrating 32 years married next month. It was nice not to start out in debt.
Wedding Co-ordinator here! 👋🏼 So I work at a beautiful country house estate and my job is literally to plan people's weddings, so I have a few thoughts lol. Firstly and I cannot stress this enough, weddings are primarily a business. I'm literally paid to act excited about your engagement and convince you that you should get married at our venue - every venue has a core team that does this. And that's not to say that we don't care about your wedding because most of the time we really do, but in order for us to make money as a business, we have to sell you something. I'm dealing with weddings from 5k to 50k. Most couples put themselves in debt and take out loans to pay for their wedding and it's very rarely because of societal expectations, it's because they want the 'big day.' Your wedding day is marketed as the most special day of your life and so no expense should be spared and for a lot of people this is true, so they go wild but I'd really encourage everyone to just go simple. I've seen couples spend thousands on their wedding day only to find the groom in bed with a bridesmaid the night of the wedding. Yes, I'm serious. I suppose what I'm trying to say is, I've seen a lot of weddings and the best ones are small and simple. Speaking from experience - I have a lab grown diamond ring and I'm getting married in a laid back setting with about 15 people and there's not one part of me that feels like I'm missing out now that I know what the behind the scenes of weddings are like. Maybe something to think about if you're engaged and planning your wedding
I think it's really fascinating that this is one of those things where direct, repeated exposure to "how the sausage is made" makes you want the opposite. And no wonder! It's almost like there's a sunk-cost fallacy aspect: the more people are spending, the more it feeds their belief that obviously this *must* be worth it, and it *is* a lovely day, no matter how fraught. Because otherwise they're having to face that this was money that could've been a housing deposit.
Or if not that (I know a lot of people, especially in London, have accepted that home-owning is an unrealisable dream), then imagine the holidays you could take with money like that, or investing in starting your own business so that your overall lifestyle is more what you want it to be...
Agree with everything you said bar one point. You said it’s rarely due to societal expectations, they just want the big day. I would say that the fact they want the ‘big day’ is actually engrained as a societal standard from a young age. My mum never wanted a big wedding and when i was young she never spoke to me about getting married but when I speak to friends they say things like ‘I’ve dreamt of my big day since I was a little girl’. At some point when they were younger if they’ve attended weddings or seen them in films, it must engrain in them that this is how a wedding is meant to be, and with social media now I imagine this intensifies it. We are all a product of our conditioning but I do think that most people who have go into debt or above their means for a wedding are either trying to impress people, or have had it put into their head from a young age that they ‘deserve’ a big wedding day. Very interesting to see your side as someone who works in the industry! Your wedding sounds lovely and probably similar to what I would end up doing! 🥳🤩
I feel like this is the romcom we need to change the culture: wedding planner gets married in a laid back way and it's freaking perfect and everyone is super happy with it (there of course would be some drama in the middle for the plot, but you get my point).
@@bioluminescentlyunfolding5716 100%! After getting kicked out of houses due to increased rent or the landlord wanting to sell, we decided to put our money towards a mortgage deposit. I find more joy in having my own home where I can paint my hall pink and build vegetable patches, rather than one expensive day that people hardly remember because they're drunk lol
@@Swann88 yeah that's very true! It always makes me think when I'm doing show arounds with couples and their parents are in attendance. Often the mum will say something like "why don't you just go away and get married - do something simple" and the bride-to-be can't even imagine having a small, simple wedding! When speaking to couples about why they want 'the big day,' a lot of them say they just want a big party with friends and family but they could do that without all the bells and whistles, so I'm sure a lot of it is engrained into them through social media, movies etc.
I'd like to add my two cents as a working musician- I have played many weddings over the course of my career (classical, fiddle music etc in Canada and Ireland). And you're absolutely right that we usually do mark up the price significantly for weddings, but often the cost includes us practicing, dressing up (cost of nice heels etc to look presentable especially the cost as a woman to look presentable compared with the men I work with), and sometimes the cost of travelling and sitting around for hours waiting to play plus rehearsals as well as learning specific music for the ceremonies (so in the end, I think getting paid around €900 for a trio seems like a lot of money and it is a lot of money! But factoring in all the rest of the things involved I do think it is a fair price).
Also, I do think that as a musician, weddings are honestly the only time where people don't try to haggle down our price and I don't have to fight for a fair wage (as opposed to pubs, festivals, etc. that often will try to pay us nothing). I do think that in terms of renting space a wedding tax is ridiculous as it would otherwise be sitting there unused, but to have a duo or trio show up to perform for a crowd I do hope that people continue to value live music.
Brilliant video as always, and I really love all the points that you have mentioned. I have had to decline to attend two weddings already in the last year due to the cost of attendance!! And for what it is worth I really enjoy listening to your opinions on everything, thank you for all your hard work!
With all the costs you've pointed out, €900 seems like an absolute steal!
@@thetheatricallinguist Haha, it does vary sometimes depending on how many of these things apply but thank you for saying so! I have also had brides and grooms be very generous with tips after the wedding as they enjoy the music that I make which is also fantastic. It can be a really fulfilling job, but I do find it hard to balance in terms of how much to reasonably charge people
I think people don’t realize how the work put into weddings is different from other events. It’s not up to me to judge the price they set. I expected a quote when I asked for it, and it was up to me to determine whether or not it was in budget.
Wow, you’re so right. I always think that with live music, you get what you’re paying for- real people. And people’s time and expertise cost money.
Flowers and pretty venues might go unused or might not- and of course they have to be grown, built, maintained, etc. But people’s work and livelihoods have to be provided for, and musicians are skimped so often. It’s very tough to provide such a meaningful but intangible service to others, because they can’t always see the value.
I've attended a fair share of weddings in my day and I've always enjoyed the smaller, more intimate affairs where the couple is clearly having a good time with friends and family over the big elaborate festivities where you know the families are just trying to appease societal expectations. Having also seen the planning side of these kinds of events, the costs for throwing a wedding is beyond astronomical. One silver lining from the pandemic, I think, was giving young couples permission to host much smaller weddings with just their core circles, and livestreaming for everyone else who couldn't be there in person but wanted to witness the union and send their well-wishes anyway.
My bachelorette party was a sleepover at my sister’s apartment in a commutable city. We watched Disney movies, danced to Beyoncé, ate pizza, and had brunch in the morning.
That sounds perfect!😊
My partner is in his friends wedding in September and it’s black tie, with a cocktail rehearsal dinner the evening before. He has to have 2 separate suits for it. It’s also expected we stay at the hotel they suggested. Our friends all make far more money than we do and the cost just to attend has been astronomical. We’re letting all of our friends marry first so we can learn from their mistakes and have a low key affordable and fun wedding.
Wow that’s a lot! I think also the pressure to attend is a lot. I think we need to normalise that not everyone can afford everything.
I find that very selfish of them. They care more about looks than the people they care about being there.
As a recently married woman I absolutely love that you're voicing this! We eloped for our wedding, it wasn't cheap but it was far, far cheaper than the average wedding. I never had any desire to get married when I was younger but when I met my now husband I knew I wanted to get married. When we explained how we wanted to do things, a lot of people were upset and wanted us to do more. I just find it MAD that something you spend so much money on and is ultimately just about two people, has such strict social rules on how you should do it and how much money you should spend. Thank you for talking about this x
instead of an engagement ring we spent money on a chef’s tasting, instead of a wedding we got married under a tree with two witness. we didn’t take on any debt, used our savings for a house and the small engagement and wedding was so incredibly romantic and stress free. I never missed the party or the ring - neither have been needed to celebrate our commitment.
thanks for the video, I wish more people feel empowered to make these decisions if they feel uncomfortable spending that much money or asking others to. ETA also not having or wanting to take on any of the anxiety or expectations on a day where I wanted the sole focus just on the commitment I was making to and with my partner.
YES!
To me, it's all about the commitment and the marriage to come, zero about the wedding day itself!
i just want a bachelorette party to be like the one in princess diaries: royal engagement. pjs, cute snacks, fun movies, board games, etc etc. elementary school slumber party vibes
i recently hosted an average price wedding. you absolutely hit the nail on the head when it comes to "the wedding must look good above all else." Looking back, most of the things people tried to sell us on were all about aesthetics. More flowers, videography, get a content creator, more flowers, hire a second photographer to get EVERY angle, and don't forget more flowers.
Thankfully I went in with a very strong sense of what I wanted and what I felt was "worth it" (good guest experience and convenience were our priorities). I do not regret getting the smaller/shorter photography package or rented fake flowers. At the end of the day it's about the people who came to celebrate us
My housemate had literally a huge sleepover for bachelorette party. She organised catering and a company to decorate the space but she covered the cost ! As for her wedding , the only thing we had to buy was the dress (only $150 aud) and her mum altered them all for us. The bride paid for hair & we all helped with makeup and the bride did her own !
I think she paid a lot for her wedding but really worked to NOT put that onto her wedding party
Omg that’s exactly the bachelorette party I dream of having one day 😂 get good food and just have a movie marathon or something, I’d love that
My sister just got married. And I being her sister was hosting her bachelorette at my house. It was supposed to be low-key and endedup still being pretty low-key but with games and food and decorations... but I will say, the WORST part about this bachelorette was the stress form other ladies opinions. I have a SLEW of female cousins, and a few have strong opinions. And if I could have it my way, I would invite people over to my house, and no one would try and change what we're doing, and how we're doing it. After I sent the invitation out, I still had one contact me to share how fun it would be to have a beach bachelorette.... Like sorry but no. I already sent the invites out, and this is what the bride wants to do. :( it really ruined the whole experience for me.
Preach! especially around asking people to do not one but TWO holidays for your wedding. The audacity! Also around expecting it to be reciprocated later down the line. Not heard many people express this unpopular opinion!
Not to mention, if you’re one of the last ones amongst your friends to get married, the others might have kids by then, and then say (understandably) they have less time and money to spend on all these activities. Which is super valid of course, but since you’re so emotionally invested it can feel really unfair…
Totally agree. Married 28 years ago. Fortunate to use a diamond of my mothers for a refashioned ring, no sepate wedding ring, no hen do, married in gardens, arrived together, said vows, had picnic etc. Wore lilac trouser suit that continued to wear for years. Perfect.
as someone who has been with my partner for 10 years (still unmarried) and is in their late 20s/early 30s this video stuck me right at the right time! Agreed 95%-I think things are getting out of control, and at the same time I love celebrating love and like the event as a chance to do so. I wish we took weddings WAY down in intensity + cost and reallocated some of that effort and money onto other celebrations and events (promotions! creative projects! graduations! friendaversaries!)
I think this would all be fine- hold however large or small a wedding you want- as long as you don’t feel pressured to hold one of a certain size.
“unpaid labor” from your friends/ family is such a white and western concept. i totally agree that wedding culture has become very excessive in recent years, and placing financial burden on your friends is irresponsible, but planning events for your loved ones during one of the biggest moments of their lives shouldn’t be treated like doing them a big favor. community in its essence should still be preserved and this can be a part of that.
Agreed, it's very modern and very northern European (I wouldn't say western as southern europe is still big on community generally speaking) to consider helping family as 'unpaid labour'. Weddings are indeed unnecessarily expensive but investing your time in family and friends is normal haha
Totally agree, asking people to shell out a ton of money is one thing - but celebrating friends shouldn’t feel like such an obligation and I have really enjoyed every bachelorette trip I’ve ever been on because often times my close friends live far away and it’s a great reunion.
Agreed. I am American but my parents are from other countries and I feel so sad to see how transactional things are here. I grew up understanding the importance of showing up for people you care about and that is so overlooked here. Always a transaction.
Suprised to learn that in the English-speaking world a bachelorette party is something so new and modern! In the Slavic countries it's an ancient custom, called (in various languages) something like "girls' night".
Exactly! I will always go the extra mile for the people I love .
I’m not into the late late nights going hard on partying - a number of friends have messaged me to say ‘this is the plan for the hen do - I won’t be at all offended if you don’t come as I know it’s not your cup of tea’ and I’ve *massively* appreciated that. Another friend had a small hen do (8 of us total?) a couple of years *after* her wedding, which was great.
And on the reciprocality piece - I told everyone that I was treating my 30th like ‘a big event’ and they really showed up for me. I felt so loved.
I’m so glad they made a real effort for your 30th, that’s so beautiful!
@@lucymoonyou’re very pretty even more with glasses
My best friend of 28 years and I drifted apart because of her wedding. When it came to choosing a maid of honour, she chose our friend instead because they're great at organization which was fine with me and I would be a bridesmaid. I'm disabled and chronically ill, so I find it very hard to travel, and she moved a few hours away with her then fiance.This meant that when it came to "bridal party duties" ie lots of lunches, dinners, etc, I wasn't able to make it. I did however, push myself to be there for the important things like choosing her dress. She called me out of the blue one day and told me that it wasn't fair to the other bridesmaids because they were making an effort and that she didn't think it was fair that I be a bridesmaid if I couldn't attend the bridal party get togethers. So that was that. It hurt me deeply, but I was still excited for her wedding. Having to watch them all take photos on the day while I waited awkwardly on the side was extra hurtful too because it was as if I didn't exist. A rift formed between us when she asked me to step down as a bridesmaid and our relationship has never recovered from it. I didn't ask to be sick.
I’m so sorry you went through that. May God heal you physically and enotionally❤
This is horrible. She completely lost the plot on what was important. You didn’t deserve that.
Tbh honest, she doesn't sound like the true friend you deserve. I'm sorry that you got hurt along the way.
I endured a similar situation. Nearly a decade ago, I was asked to be the maid of honor for one of my childhood best friend’s weddings. At the time I was a struggling single mom, working a commission-based job, not making much money. She had high financial demands for her opulent wedding in Atlanta and bachelorette trip to Las Vegas. I sat down to talk with her, explaining I could not afford the extra expenses-which I thought she would understand since she was raised by a single mother. She said she understood, but informed me that if I cannot “pay up,” then I’m no longer a part of her bridal party-we have not spoken to each other since that day.
She still invited me to the wedding, and I did attend-but I left during the cocktail hour after the ceremony concluded. Watching her get married was like watching a stranger-I didn’t recognize my friend of nearly 2 decades anymore.
While it broke my heart at the time, it taught me that some people are only here for a chapter or two-not everyone is meant to stay for the ending of our book.
In makeup advice subreddits a lot of people post for feedback on their wedding makeup and every single time people give advice on how to make the makeup "photograph well". Telling people to add more blush so their face won’t look washed out in pictures and wearing bolder lashes so their eyes will pop from afar etc. It’s like how you’ll look in photos is more important than feeling pretty and physically comfortable in your face on the day. Like you’re expected to do essentially theatre makeup. It’s a spectacle like you said, meant to be seen in the form of poctures/videos on instagram.
YES, finally someone who thinks critically about these things on RUclips!! Can’t tell you how much I agree with you! The wedding industry is out of control.
The financial diet has some excellent videos on this very topic. I love creating a more common discussion on doing weddings however you want instead of keeping up with the pressure of social media. More of us need to say no, but it’s hard when some friends can’t see beyond instagram.
I think the discussion around diamonds is so fascinating! My friend group as far as I know are leaning towards both lab diamonds and moissanite but get a lot of judgement from our parents and relatives about it. When I went shopping, antique and vintage diamonds were even more expensive than modern mined diamonds. Just goes to show how the value of items is just whatever we assign at the time...
Yes! When my partner and I got engaged I did a lot of research into diamonds. Getting any kind of diamond was SO expensive and the main reason they are good for a piece of jewelry that you're going to wear every day for decades is that diamonds are very strong and resilient to heavy wear. But moissonite has the same hardness rating, looks basically the same, doesn't have the same ethical concerns, and is WAY less expensive! We made the right choice for us and I love my ring but I do occasionally feel weird social pressure from friends or family like I should feel ashamed of not having a diamond. It's so weird how we've built up this emotional attachment to diamonds as a society.
If you choose to go down the non mined diamond route, then who really needs to know that besides you, your coming spouse, and whoever sold you the ring. Its your ring, and if you love it, that's all that matters!
I would love to see a follow up video from you about what you think a “normal” wedding might look like! Give some ideas, options, etc for those people who don’t want the big picture-perfect social media wedding, but still want a beautiful celebration.
I recently invited over 7 of my closest friends at my house for a sleepover as my hen. It was super fun but budget friendly with the activities including watching Barbie at a local outdoor cinema free event that we walked down to and painting pottery. I sent the itinerary out a couple of days before with the option to join in or leave at any activity timepoint, which girls did to suit their other weekend commitments and the weekend still flowed really well. We ended the night with hot chocolate and card games and it felt very nostalgic and cosy.
We also opted for a more relaxed wedding vibe with a picnic feel and secondhand table decorations from fbmarketplace. Again it really took the pressure off with having to organise limited suppliers but we really enjoyed celebrating with all our loved ones in one place.
I’m so glad someone finally spoke about this. Couldn’t agree more with the points you made here!
This whole discussion is so interesting to me, living in The Netherlands and having had two small weddings and one hen do that consisted of kayaking and dinner. I really wish for people to understand that you can have a great wedding without spending loads of money and spending the day with the people you want ( even if that is only the two of you). It pains me to see that people get do worried and stressed about something that should be joyful. And if you're looking for wedding ideas Lucy: first wedding we had a barbecue and a swim and everyone who wanted could stay at a campsite with us. Second wedding was civil ceremony and a gigantic Indonesian buffet at our place. Both were brilliant and didn't cost the earth.
I do kind of understand the quote about filming/photographing the wedding being ONE of the most important expenses - because it may be one day but for the rest of your married life you can look back on them, and your kids/grandkids etc can enjoy them for generations to come! ❤
Not true. Most marriages end in divorce, and they don't typically divorce when they're in their 60s and beyond. You have the videos, the stories and the pictures you never look back on and your kids will look back at them with nostalgia and awkwardness. Also, I'm currently at wedding age and many friends are getting married. The so called videos rarely get looked back on. Maybe once or twice with your friends and once or twice with your kids. On the contrary, your wedding picture used to be a black and white one in a lifetime moment that you showcased in your livingroom until you died in your 80s. Afterwards your kids would continue to showcase the picture in their livingroom. Nowadays it's lost the purpose it once had. We spend a fortune on videography and photography and all we really do with it is showcase our best wedding pic in our house until we divorce and its grabbing dust somewhere forever.
@@annaborbon5425 wow someone's cynical
@@Shannon.m_a It's the truth, I'm sorry. Weddings have never been this expensive and divirce has never been more common. I mean what is the point LOL? I know people that would have already married but are waiting because they want to throw this mega wedding. I mean people can do what they want but I find it ridiculous that that's the reason. There is also a study about how the more expensive a wedding is, the shorter the marriage
I totally agree with a lot of these sentiments, which is why my partner and I decided to do things a bit differently. Our friends are scattered around the country and miss each other, so instead of separate parties, we are planning a weekend at my partner's family cabin, and those who can make it yay! If we could just do a night out on the town, we would, but since travel is necessary, we figured arranging the accommodations helps. Yes, people have to pay to get there and take the time off, but we see it more as an excuse to plan something for people to get together at, rather than an obligation. The culture of expectations that people come and that others plan it for you is wild to me.
That sounds lovely! Have a lot of fun :)
I love the idea of a videographer, not to share on social media, but I think looking back on videos from the day is so special and gives you more than photos!
I recently had my first bridesmaid experience, and part of what made the bachelorette and bridesmaid experience so positive for me compared to the many horror stories online these days is that 1. the bridal party was small (only 5 people), 2. we were upfront about budget from the get-go, and 3. the bachelorette was framed as relaxing together with limited plans. If you want to do activities, and either everyone agrees or it is flexible for anyone who doesn't want to participate, I'm sure it can still work.
I would also say that there is a big shift happening with wedding culture right now between the expectations and traditions of the past and what is feasible in today's world/economy. A factor of why bachelorettes are no longer just one night--speaking from my personal experience that feels primarily unacknowledged--is that more people do not live near their close friends, so a bachelorette and a wedding will be a destination/holiday no matter what. I think that is equally becoming more common, in addition to the average costs rising as cost of travel also increases.
I’m a registrar, and it costs £56 for a statutory wedding in England and Wales. Big weddings can be lovely but you can do things on a smaller scale and they’re still beautiful and full of love and meaning.
thank you for making this video! I’ve always felt like an odd one out for not wanting a wedding. the thought of marriage is honestly a lot of stress in itself.
My husband and I got engaged in November 2018, married in May 2019. I didn't want a diamond, I have a colored stone in my engagement ring. Both of my rings, and my husband's ring are all from Etsy. We were engaged just shy of 6 months. We spent $6,000 and had 200 people attend. We rented a big tent and a nice bathroom trailer and set up at a state park. It was low-key, mini music festival vibes, and I'm proud to say it's a party I still hear other people telling stories about. It was a blast and exactly what we wanted. We got so much shit from people, specifically older family, about the traditions we shrugged off. You've got to customize your life to what you want and not let your expectations get inflated by social media.
I wore a short white cotton dress that cost $60 on modcloth. My husband bought the Tweed Jacket of his dreams and has worn it every formal event since. We had soul food from two local restaurants, an open bar tended by a local club owner. We didn't have a video, a friend took our photos, my moh's mom did hair, we did our own makeup. My mom made my bouquet. We had six local bands play sets. My sister-in-law is a baker and made the cupcakes. My brother played guitar while I walked up the aisle. We had a scotch toast during the ceremony with our parents which offended a lot of religious family. We built a fire pit and had popcorn and marshmallows when it got late. I didn't throw my bouquet. I didn't wear a garter. There was a lot of Multi-Generational singing and dancing. A couple of people jumped into the lake. A couple of people were racing with the golf carts the park loaned us.
We didn't have a registry, We both were grown adults and already had two of everything. We sent out a single card for invitations with the deets. Rsvp online. We both had men and women standing with us so we had a one night bachelor sleepover all together in my husband's home city friday-saturday. The bridal shower was in my home city an hour away on Sunday. Wham, bam, one weekend. Our ring bearer and flower girls were adults. We gave people an easy color scheme for clothing (anything green blue purple or white.) and still purchased things for a couple of people who didn't have something and couldn't afford to buy. A lot of people gave toasts. My motto was "Nothing fancy, just love." And it was exactly that.
Whilst covid was, I generally, an awful time for most people, I felt it was good for wedding culture. A fair few people I know realised they wanted to be married, rather than to have a wedding - they recognised the distinction between marriage and wedding - and consequently had small weddings, with only their witnesses. I went to an amazing hen do in this time - afternoon tea in the garden, with cakes made by the hens, and only 6 of us there. It lasted a few hours then we went home. It was amazing!
YES! I get the feeling that a lot of people don't look beyond the wedding!
I sewed cool potholders out of scrap favric I had around for favors and I still get pictures from when someone pulls one out of their drawer to use it. Simple, wholesome, and no pressure to grab one. 10/10 would recommend
Lucy, THANK YOUU for this video! Perfectly encapsulates my criticisms of wedding culture and the tremendous pressures that comes with it. My partner and I are in the stage of relationship where we do want to get married and there are expectations from our friends and family but my anxietes that you covered in this video is too much that it puts me off the wedding. I want to get married and do want wedding but the pressures ans stress is incredibly off putting. This video has really helped me reflect so thank you thank you making this video
I loved this.
I feel like so much of wedding is "because your supposed to" and that saying is what has drove me mad during most weddings I've been closely involved with. My sister wanted a slightly alternative wedding reception, she didn't have a sit down dinner but just a large variety of apps and snack style menu, but still felt super scared and judged for doing so which stressed her out and made the experience so unenjoyable for her.
I don't want that for myself.
I 100% agree with everything you said, haha! My husband and I eloped, and we have zero regrets. Our ceremony was on the beach with 4 of our friends /2 other couples. No decorations, no invitations, no venue, no flowers, no debt. No one else had any idea we were getting hitched until after the fact when we announced it. It was romantic, didn't stress us out, required very little planning, and saved us tons of cash. Highly recommend. We've been together for 11 years and counting. He's the love of my life and that's all that matters❤
I absolutely loved this video as someone whose wedding is in 6 weeks. I can absolutely say the judgement you receive as a bride is terrible. We are having a microwedding for several reasons, cost being a big one. People are upset they are not invited. We discussed doing a bigger wedding and people complained that it would not be fancy or that it would be alcohol free. We honestly gave up. If people would stop complaining about a free party, I think things would get a lot better.
Interesting to hear your thoughts on this - I also find it eye-watering to see how expensive some weddings and hen-dos are these days. But important to say some - maybe it's just the circles I move in but most of my friends have had quite budget weddings - they've still been wonderful, meaningful days, but having the reception in a church hall instead of a fancy hotel, and going for afternoon tea for the hen do instead of going to Greece etc all adds up to make a big difference.
I feel so validated, this is something that I personally don’t think gets talked about enough so thank you so much for this video! My grandmother passed a few years ago but I remember when we were younger I was maybe 12 or so and she was showing us photos of a beautiful wedding she had attended of a friend’s daughter. Anyway, I remember her showing us all these photos and she made a remark that has stuck with me ever since saying “it looked like they cared more about the wedding than the marriage”. This is something I’ve always thought too: that people throw the most expensive luxurious and extravagant weddings but a lot of the time it seems like they’re not thinking of the marriage that comes after it. And I’ve seen such a trend now of brides telling other brides to enjoy the time before they get married because then it’s all over and it’s “all downhill from there”. What an awful thing that some women think this way! I don’t know for me personally. I’ve heard of so many stories where a couple spent so much on the wedding and end up divorcing soon after anyway. For example, one of my cousins and also my boyfriend‘s friends sister. They had extravagant weddings and divorced within a few months after that: what a waste of time and money! Every time my partner and I have spoken about getting married I’ve emphasised that I really don’t want to spend much money and we could literally elope or get married at a courthouse or something and I would be happy! For me the wedding itself is not what is important. What is important is that I am getting to start the next chapter of my life with my partner and we can start a family etc
This! So happy I'm not the only one who thinks like this.
The best "party favour" I got was cake. The bride asked her guests to bring cakes or deserts with them that people could have at the evening do as desert after the cake cut. There were labelled boxes for people to take home, and everybody felt like they had a personal touch in the wedding. It is inexpensive and thoughtful. The bride also told the vendor she was having a party not a wedding, and got married at a church then made their way to the venue. They had the venu from 3pm instead of 10am, but they saved thousands and in summer, who cares if you start the day later?
I agree with almost everything except wedding invites...I love getting an invite in the mail! It's the only fun mail I get and I keep every single one :)
Aja dang did a "solorette party" and she basically partied w her friends for an evening and then just had a couple of days for herself in a spa in Arizona. I absolutely LOOOVED this idea, I feel like it lets you reflect on everything that'll change in your life, you get to take a trip by yourself, relax from all of the wedding and family stress...
I just spent a ton of money on a friend's wedding and the stress is reallll. Tbh this is what made me go 100% for a solo bachelorette.
I’m not into the late late nights going hard on partying - a number of friends have messaged me to say ‘this is the plan for the hen do - I won’t be at all offended if you don’t come as I know it’s not your cup of tea’ and I’ve *massively* appreciated that.
And on the reciprocality piece - I told everyone that I was treating my 30th like ‘a big event’ and they really showed up for me. I felt so loved.
A lot of the points you made ring so true! Two couples I know are getting married soon, and it's been very interesting to see how people will treat their wedding decisions, but also what they themselves will put themselves through because they think they have to, while not really wanting to. Especially the pressure put onto brides is so real. One wedding will be very 'traditionally' lavish, while the other couple want theirs to be a little toned down, and the times people will side-eye certain decisions/things the second couple won't have at the wedding is pretty wild. They also decided against an engagement ring, and it's been questioned by so many people.
I really needed this rn, We're attending my Partner's Brother's wedding in august and it's SUPER traditional which is lovely. But it has put a weird amount of pressure on me and my partner.. and I've started thinking I need what 'everyone' else has. Thankyou for making this video
Wearing white for weddings was started by Queen Victoria in 1840. She chose white because she wanted the detailing on her dress to be highlighted. White wedding dresses did not represent purity and virginity, they represented wealth as white is the hardest color to maintain.
I love my ocean bottle, I got one for free when I volunteered for cop26 and it's been almost 3 years. If you unscrew the cap and turn it around it's kind of like a little espresso cup and i think that's the cutest design ever
I really recommend a low-key bachelorette party! Mine was a sleepover at one of my friends parents apartment where we had many sleepovers as kids. They had planned the whole day with activities they new I liked: painting, a dance class at our old dance studio, a video greeting from the groom etc. I think the only cost for them was the food. The dance class our old teacher wanted to give us for free, but they gave her a gift card to a masseuse in the end.
However my wedding was a bit more lavish (at least to my standards) and I don't regret it at all! I had a lot of people flying in as I come from a different country and I wanted the wedding to be special for the guests since they had to spend so much money to attend. We got married at a historic castle with almost 70 people and the guests got to visit the castle museum. The location, food, photographer and music was quite expensive in the end. But dancing with my family and friends on the dance floor was the most fun I have had in my life and I have so many beautiful pictures to look back on. I did not spend so much money on decoration since the location was so beautiful and also not on myself. I had a second hand dress, used old shoes, I did my own nails and makeup and I only paid for my hair to be done. For party favors I used the fabric from my dress that I shortened to make bags that we filled with chocolate from both of our countries. The invitations and thank your cards I designed and used a printing service.
I guess what I want to say is that you should not let anyone pressure you to spend money but also not make you feel guilty to spend money on things that are important to you. During the planning process I often wondered if I was too frivolous in wanting such a lavish wedding since I heard so often stories where couples regret their spending and I got the feeling that many ridicule those who spend a lot. However, I am happy where my money went because my wedding was truly amazing and it was a "once in a lifetime" trip for those who traveled.
And lastly please plan your wedding together. I never understood this culture where the groom is not as involved as the bride. We had so much fun planning and preparing everything together and there wasn't much need to bother friends and family for help.
I love this for you! The hen sounds amazing and your wedding sounds dreamy xxx
Just wanted to say I was Blood Diamond when I was 14, I know it's far from being a perfect movie but it blew my mind and literally altered my perception of the world, I've never heard ANYONE mentioning something similar ❤
I agree with what I’ve seen some people saying, in that photos (in a pretty and personally meaningful location- hopefully your venue) are the one big splurge I’d made. Not sure I would care much about food or music- as long as there’s something, that’s good. But decent photos of me and my spouse and our loved ones would be something I’d look at every day in my house for the rest of my life. That’s worth good money for quality and quantity.
I come from a culture where people don’t get married much anymore (my parents have been common-law for 45 years) but my husband comes from a traditional background where you just get married because that’s what you do. And it was really difficult for me to organize a wedding that felt authentic and aligned to us, and our families and culture. We forewent a lot of traditional elements (no groomsmen, bridesmaids, showers, gifts) and I felt almost guilty but ultimately, now almost 7 years later, I am so happy we created a day to celebrate us and our love that represented us. And we saved our guests and closest friends thousands of dollars in the process
Similar situation, not married (yet?) and unsure what to do, it was nice reading your comment :)
I’m actually in the process of planning a big wedding right now! A lot of what you said really resonated and I agree with it, the system is rigged! lol. I think one thing you didn’t cover that has been a pretty integral part of my experience is the fact of a wedding kind of serving as a family reunion of sorts. I was always one of those people that said ‘oh I don’t care about having a perfect wedding’ and that’s still true, but when it came down to big or small, big sounded better because it meant being able to include everyone and get everyone together for the first time in years. That unfortunately comes with a lot of cost, plus the fears of family members who are helping with the wedding getting thrown into the mix (i.e. lots of strong opinions about what ‘absolutely must’ be included, I suspect for fear of judgement from the extended family 😂). Then there’s the matter of everyone living so far away from each other, something I imagine is more of a US problem, but that complicates the bachelorette/bachelor parties as well. I guess one of the difficult yet weirdly unacknowledged facets of big weddings is bringing everyone together. I’m so looking forward to that piece, but there’s so much emphasis around it being ‘the bride and groom’s day’ yet that’s not fully what we’re doing it for, right? Like something small and simple would be amazing (read: I don’t like wedding planning lol) but comes at the cost of leaving people out and missing the chance to reunite with everyone. I guess all of this is to say that the wedding industrial-complex is industrial-complexing, and I’d love for the next generation to figure out a way to carry on the tradition of bringing everyone together, maybe just less lavishly 😅😂
Same, its an opportunity for making meaningful memories with our families and friends. Wedding is a great time for everybody to get together and celebrate a little. So our wedding will also be big. I've stopped viewing it as mine and his day but more as a day for us and all of our guests. Its going to be about all of our relationships :)
As someone who is not having a wedding ceremony, or a wedding party, and for the most part is not doing a bachelorette, I FEEL YOU on this topic. I swear, not doing these things has made wedding planning so easy and stress free. Highly recommend doing whatever you want and not feeling obligated to do “what you have to.”
I feel like I need to actually talk about what I’m doing for my wedding because it really is so alternative to what’s currently popular.
This has been like therapy. Such a relief listening to you. I agree with so much of what you say and feel relieved someone else feels this way to, thank you! x
LUCY, I LOVE THIS!!! I agree with you on so much of what you said! The only thing I would add is why do we even need an engagement ring at all?!?! I am married and didn't want any engagement ring. I was also allergic to everything wedding related but did want to celebrate with everyone we knew, so we organised the most minimal wedding possible, cut everything to the bone. And people are still telling me that our wedding was one of the best they were at because it was just a ceremony, dinner and a party with no fuss and no formality and everyone was relaxed and had fun. I ended up having such a great day, I would love to do it all over again!
For my hen do 5 of us went away for a weekend in one of my fave cities in country. We did an escape room, and ate lots of food and had a big sleepover in the apartment we stayed in. I wanted a chill fun time and it was exactly what I wanted. Same for the wedding, we had 60 people, tons of food and music and I had a blast! It was basically a night out with friends all dressed up. The best weddings I've been to have been smaller where the couples just want to celebrate and have a good time and don't sweat the small stuff.
Thanks for sharing this perspective! Married for a year now and couldn’t emphasize more that doing what works for you and your partner regardless of what the wedding business and your friends/family are pushing is pivotal to having good memories of your wedding.
So many thoughts listening to this!
I am so glad that my wedding was in the early 2000s… no social media to worry about! I do want to say though that there was plenty of pressure then to have a professional videographer record the wedding, & the one thing I spent more than I perhaps could have on was the photographer, as having good photos of the wedding was a huge thing for me, so I don’t think social media can be blamed for Gen Z considering it to be the most important part of a wedding.
Obviously dollars can’t be compared now to when I got married 20 years ago, but we did it on a tight budget, main expenses were the venue and the photographer. Did our own flowers, cake, decorations etc.
I’m now divorced, and starting to consider a wedding again with my partner. If we decide to marry, I intend it to be as low key as possible - an opportunity to declare our love for each other in front of the important people in our lives, & then head down to the local pub for a few drinks and something to eat!
You have articulated so many points about weddings that I've thought for a while! It's so nice to hear someone else say it. For what it's worth, the best wedding I've ever attended: they had a small ceremony at their house and then held a huge reception in a community hall. Far cheaper than most weddings these days and it way more fun because it felt genuine and relaxed.
I definitely agree, and appreciate all the details you went into. But also can we talk about moving on from nuclear family structure and marriage/couple centric culture in the west? Cause that’s part of why we’re so isolated. I would love to see a more broader discussion about that cause we’re not going there yet. Like let’s pour that money and celebration on to community and platonic relationships!!
Really appreciate this video. I personally can get very caught up in the trend that is contemporary weddings and it is really refreshing to be taken out of that. Thank you!
I personally like the idea of a long engagement. I joked with my partner, " if we ever get engaged, I only want to start planning the wedding after people stop asking us when we are going to get married. " lmfao 🤣 😂 I also really, really like the idea of finding a used ring as a wedding ring or just doing wedding ring finger tattoos that mean something to both of us 💜
or no rings at all.
@@celinepa8246 yeah! Like I said, I've seen people do really cute tattoos on their ring fingers instead of a traditional wedding ring 😊 I think that also could be an awesome option for people who might get over stimulated wearing jewelry all the time (like me lmfao 😆)
I am in the same boat: in a long-term committed relationship and unmarried. People keep asking when it's going to happen and trying to push my partner to propose. Maybe these are helpful for some others? I use these responses:
"Our relationship is very strong and we are happy as we are right now"
"That's something I'd rather keep between me and X. I hope you don't mind"
"We don't want to add any extra pressure to our relationship right now"
Obviously it would be ideal to say "none of your business" but it's like you say... People mean well, but they can be a bit thoughtless about the reasons you might not be doing it right now.
In a similar boat and love these. I’ve been thinking about how to phrase a response that validates our commitment as mutually exclusive from needing a wedding (and also closes the door to further inquiry. I like your response about being happy with the relationship as it is right now (why ride the relationship escalator if you don’t want?). It’s interesting to get these comments from people who mean well, as I think they perceive it as a way to be supportive of our relationship, so how to respond in a way that thanks them for that support while staying true to what we want? It’s tricky…
@@kalifusch absolutely. A response that validates the questioner, feels authentic to ourselves, and closes the door to further questions? If you have any more responses (anyone reading this!) please do let me know.
This is like the "when are you having kids?" question, mostly by people who aren't close family or friends!
I would say that photography was the most important thing we spent money on, but more so to help us get a lasting tangible item from the day. We spent well below the average, but I liked feeling like we weren't spending it all on one day, and that we would have photos to enjoy for years to come. I think I've posted maybe two photos on social media in the past two years.
I'm married and I'm happy with how much we spent. I have an aquamarine engagement ring from an ethical brand, we tried to cut back on the big day, but I do absolutely recognise that weddings can be so expensive for everyone. The biggest thing that bugs me is that people so much preparation into the wedding day and not into the (arguably) more important thing of marriage itself.
I've seen friends do it all, from marrying themselves in the woods (possible in Colorado) to having cute small weddings in the courthouse, to having traditional weddings, so it made me feel a lot better about what we did. When we got engaged, we got some relatively cheap matching meteorite rings from etsy. We did a small courthouse wedding and invited close friends and family. We had a great time and our families only contributed a few hundred dollars between both sides. My mother in law loves photography, so she happily took pictures. We didn't go into debt and I wore a dress I already had. We went out to eat for our reception and that was it. We're saving money up for our honeymoon next year, and I'm feeling good. We mostly got married earlier for the insurance, and neither of us have been big party people. It worked for us, and everyone was very supportive.
My sister recently got married and I planned her bachelorette party along with one other member of the bridal party. It was two days before the wedding, so people were hopefully already in town so only had to travel once. It was in the evening so people could come after work. We did a glassblowing class and because it was only one person doing the activity at a time, we did some crafting and made a scrapbook for my sister as a present - also because then people can choose to not talk as much if they don’t want to. Then we went out for dinner and surprised my sister with ice cream from her favorite local place! The whole thing was under $130 per person and we made sure to have it be within walking distance or public transit accessible from the venue and hotel blocks. Obviously still not perfect but it was a ton of fun and pretty chill!
I think it's a bit unfortunate that a lot of people conflate a wedding and a marriage. Because they are not both things that need to go together
In some cases people put of the legal bit, that might be important to secure each other, because they're tied to the idea that the party needs to go along with it at the same time.
Yes. Wedding can be inexpensive if you used smaller vendors, cut back on guests and cut out things the couple think is unnecessary
An old school friend recently planned a hen do abroad, but sadly the relationship broke down and the wedding got called off and she was like "well we can still have a nice holiday" and all the other attendees were like no we're not spending that much when it's not related to the wedding any more
Hells YES! I really agree. I think everyone sees these aspirational events and then hears about other people's and they get a bit competitive about it. I thought the video format was great and I think you didn't need to hedge your bets too much with offending people or causing drama. It's a completely reasonable non-problematic opinion (very considerate though x)
My husband and I had a small and casual wedding in a hut in the mountains. I was suprised at the amount of people who said to us „if I would marry again, I would to it as you“ or „finally a weddig which i enjoyed/could see myself do the same“.
thanks for this video! Back in May we got married to our liking, which was: elopement with family on a Friday evening (and we were back home at 10pm), brunch the next day with family + friends, where we swapped our wedding bands and just had a good time. Professional photos were taken on friday prior to the elopment. Invites and wedding favors were handmade, nothing was personalized, dress was second-hand (50€), there was no bacherlotte party, no engagement ring, no trip extra planned for the proposal. It was the right thing for us. Still it hurts a little bit, that for some guests, it was not a "real wedding" with a whole day of program, games, drinking and dancing. But in the end, with this set up we both were able to enjoy our wedding.
I’m just planning my wedding at the moment and so much of this rings true. When we get married we’ll have been engaged less than 6 months, we’re just having immediate family at the local registry office, I’m wearing a dress I’ve made myself (and it’s not white!) and we’ll be going to the local pub for some food afterwards to celebrate. Even then everything is expensive and the pressure to do more is huge, although I have found most people I speak to who are married have said if they could “have their time over” they’d do more what they wanted, and not what other people expected.
My hen party was super low-key… we set aside wedding budget so friends wouldn’t have to pay much at all, and we just went to play mini golf and then for a nice meal out. I think each person probably paid about £25? I had two bridesmaids who made little gift bags, also from the budget I gave.
Our wedding was also pretty budget friendly. I think we spent £2k. Dress and suit from asos, friends and family did my hair and makeup, friend is a reverend, made our own decorations, favours were wildflower seeds, didn’t have a DJ, friend was a photographer and videographer
I agree! I got married this summer and it was a wonderful, joyful, beautiful day with 60 guests for 6000 euros. Off the rack dress, used rings, no wedding party or professional DJ. Low key, lovely, cheap bachelorette. We didn’t tell the bakery that the cakes were for a wedding. 😂 We had everything we needed.
I am so glad someone is talking about this on the internet. I absolutely hate current wedding culture and there is a reason why my husband and I decided to go to a registry office just surrounded by a witness and our families.
I loved the Anna edits wedding. Very small and intimate (edit: posted this before I had watched the end)
Of all the old school blogger weddings - the two that stand out to me and that I really remember the photos of - are Anna and Mark and Kate le Vie and Jordan - both of which had very intimate, lovely but low key weddings.
I feel like you summed up so many of my feelings when I got married. We shunned a lot of the traditional stuff and just wanted a day that we enjoyed with our friends and family. Spent about £8k (still a lot, but not quite £20k!), no favours, one bridesmaid and she picked her own dress, no flowers, BBQ and picnic blankets rather than complicated table plans, we gave a joint speech in the evening, and for the hen do it was a really chill one day event and many people just came to the one or two parts they could rather than pay out for everything. I still wore white, my dad still gave me away, and I did pay for hair and make up, but those were all things I liked and wanted to do. I'm very much a proponent for "do it how you want to, not how they expect you to" when it comes to weddings - the marriage is what matters, not the one day it takes to make it official!
When we planned our wedding, there was so much pressure to create an unforgettable experience for our guests, which meant everyone felt entitled to an opinion about what we should/shouldn't spend money on for the big day. I know you mention the pressure coming outward from a bride/groom to the people in their lives, but there's an enormous crush coming from the outside in as well.
I went out to dinner and made candles with two of my very good friends. It was simple and chill; just the way I wanted it.
Love that you're doing a video on this topic! I got engaged in August this year and we are getting married in April. I really liked the idea of a girl's trip for a hen do but I've decided to do something local to have a nice day out that everyone will enjoy and within their budget. This is my priority because we will have a nice time whatever we do and I also don't drink but enjoy going out with people still when sober. I love planning so I've taken it all in my hands and not put anything on the bridal party. I've also got low maintenance no drama friends so I feel very relieved that I don't have the worries of asking for money, drama etc. Also, the wedding will be on a Monday and we've saved so much money due to this for the big day too plus only people we are super close with are coming. We won't be splashing loads of cash, but we don't feel like we are missing out on anything for what we want either. We've been so lucky to get a great photographer and videographer to capture our day and an hour-long film with it. I was brought up with an old video camera as a kid, and my fiance surprised me with photographers & videographers at our engagement (with the help of a friend) so this was special for us specifically. We were completely shook by the costings of things so we've been rather savvy. We aspire to have a lovely special day, which it will be for us, and something we will cherish forever with special memories with our families.
you do SUCH a good job of coherently voicing thoughts that have been floating around in my head for years. I agree with pretty much everything you said! My parents didn't elope but were very lowkey and the big wedding mindset of the people around me has always baffled me a bit. And now as an adult with friends who have gotten married I still don't get it and actively dislike portions of it.
When I was 9 or so, my dad's brother and his wife got married at my parent's house and I really remember how stressful it was for my mom, she did a bunch of work on the house (not just cleaning and organizing, but re-wallpapering and repainting rooms and re-upholstering furniture) and the yard and garden and helping coordinate everything. She definitely really felt that pressure, and it wasn't even her wedding!
I love this video. You articulate every one of my frustrations with wedding culture.
I am a planning my wedding and thankful to have a husband who will shoulder majority of the planning when I am finishing grad school.
Never the less, I just want to cut the unnecessary and excess expenses e.g. flowers and personalized decor/favors and opt for elegant sustainable and affordable choices when we plan. I want to be stress free while planning and on the day of.
Loved this! Maybe it's because I work in publishing but I do appreciate a good printed wedding invitation though... that gorgeous cardstock and lovely embossing 😙👌
I am so glad this is being highlighted! As someone who has been engaged twice (two different partners) the first engagement, i had so much pressure for a big do to celebrate from both sides of the family, friends and work colleagues, asking about the hen do, family wanting to do a big party - i think it didnt help that my sibling got married before me but eloped to the other side of the world so no one attended and i had all this pressure on me. Thankfully it didnt go ahead, but now with my new partner recently engaged, we've both been so firm with what we want to do - no big party, no pre celebrations except maybe a family dinner or evening out and then were spending our savings on a lovely honeymoon, getting married abroad. The majority of our family/friends are fine with this, not everyone but you can not make everyone happy and we want to do what will make us happy. Neither of us can deal with the stress or attention as an introverted couple ❤
I've been watching you for soo many years and this has been one of my favourite videos of yours. Consider making more of the same casual, chatty type of content :) Also looove those glasses on you!
I 1000% agree with everything you said! I believe we're the same age and I have to say the older I get the more I realize how (if I get married) I would want an elopement or a very small wedding with only the closest people in my life. Spending thousands of dollars on a huge wedding doesn't interest me at all and honestly I think it's a waste of money. To each its own though :)
Really agree with you! A lot of it feels performative and showy these days, more about what others think and how the event will be perceived
I was at a "location" wedding last year, which was only a location in the sense that my friends live here in Germany with me but had the wedding in their hometown in Italy. They very graciously paid for 2 nights in a hotel for us as well! As wedding favours they had gotten differently coloured flower pots and the table decoration was tiny plants that fit in - so at the end of the evening, everyone took one pot and one plant and it was a really lovely gift. The plant is still thriving today! Personally, I would either give something like a plant, something that can be used in everyday life or skip the favour altogether.
Lucy I used to watch you on RUclips yearsss ago then I forgot and now I’m back as a subscriber! You have grown up!!:) nice apartment. Jess in Australia 🇦🇺
Me and my husband sat down before our wedding and debated on what we actually wanted for our big day. So, instead of spending a lot of money we didn't have on pleasing people we didn't care about, we had a small wedding at a restaurant with only our friends, families and close ones.
I purposely avoided dieting or any kind of restrictions that would add extra stress to my life and instead worked on loving myself and enjoying this new chapter. I've never felt happier or more beautiful than on that day (and I was at my heaviest weight ever btw).
Also, my bachelorette was just a fun everning with my friends having pizza and drinks, and then going out dancing.
The result of all that was us having the best time and starting off our married life debt free. I highly recommend it.