How to Spend Time Alone (Break Up Edition 😢)
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- Опубликовано: 25 май 2024
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Soooo I'm going through a break up. And the truth is, it's hard and uncomfortable and lonely. I am struggling with time alone, but I know this video is valuable both for future me to reflect on but I'm sure someone out there is considering breaking up with their partner and is scared to do it - do it. You'll be okay I swear 🌻💛
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Just a thought ❤: We all have that long-term single colleague or widowed neighbor etc. Let’s acknowledge just how much strength it takes to be alone ALL THE TIME. Then it‘s not just self-care and relax, but living your life alone: to plan, do and get over so many things alone, to take responsibility for caring for ourselves (and for long-term singles add shame and social pressure). Yes, they get used to it and very good at it - but it still takes so much strength and courage. ❤ So let’s please value, care about and be considerate about these people - not just when going through breakup, but also when we are in the next (or current) relationship…
I've learned in the last 5 years how to spend time alone. I'm now working on not filling my time with distractions. Not constantly watching a show, playing a game, listening to a podcast or audiobook. It's really uncomfortable to sit with my thoughts and to not constantly chase dopamine, especially as an ADHD girlie, but I'm learning so much and gaining more control over my prefrontal cortex by practicing boredom.
++ it's difficult to find the balance between distraction or escapism (which are good at times too!), and things that are fulfilling but take more effort.
For me, especially when some things can be both - there are lots of great videos essayists on RUclips that cause me to learn, reflect, and think critically. But there are also so many channels that are fun to watch but easily forgotten afterwards, and it's easy to get sucked into queuing up a bunch of videos that I won't even remember for long.
I have not watched the video yet, like I plan to, but I like to consider practicing boredom as practicing patience. Personally, patience with myself is my biggest anxiety. The feeling of not being in control of yourself and actions is what im actively working on. Breaking my bad habits and starting better habits. Still hard with my ocd comorbidity diagnosis. I enjoyed reading your comment because im also practicing boredom by not pursuing instant satisfaction and setting my own goals for long term gratification. At this point, I could have already been watching this video, I just prefer to listen to these while im getting ready to sleep without distractionszZzz 😴 bad habit, goodnight!
@@geoff5623completely agree with you also!
I just came off a long weekend with no reception and MAN was it eye-opening!! I love my own company, but I'm also filling my time with media so I don't have space to think 🤔
One of the best things I ever did for myself was take a year off of dating entirely. I not only learned to enjoy my own company, but it also helped me develop a stronger sense of self. I'm a much better person for myself and as a partner because of it.
My goal is to be single until I feel completely comfortable alone 💛
I have done the same thing a few times after breakups. Sometimes it only takes a few months and sometimes it has taken a few years. But being comfortable being alone with myself is always the goal.
@@hayley.honeyman this is my goal right now too! 💞
I want to be okay with that…but it’s so, so hard. It’s so hard. I hate being alone. I can’t be alone. It’s awful, and I hate it. This video might be too much for me right now…
@@tarakennedy2512 Hopefully you already know, but I just wanted to say... that's okay! It's important to honor and be gentle with yourself *wherever* you are on this journey. I'm still working on this myself. But recognizing that you may not be ready is important too, to not pressure or overwhelm yourself suddenly.
I notice that I really crave that alone time where I just can sit with my thoughts and organize what I want to do for the week. When I feel like I’m on someone else’s schedule I feel trapped and I’m not able to rest and recharge
Over 55 and so happy you are finding yourself before you get to be my age. Next month, I’m taking a full week to roadtrip, completely alone. No destination, no responsibilities besides tending to me. Scary and exhilarating at the same time.
Hoping it helps with the inner strength needed for my future.
Safe travels to you and man that sounds amazing. One of my dream goals.
May the bumps in the road be few and little moments of awe be huge. Stay safe out there in your exploring and adventures
This is so cool, and you should be proud! I hope to do this someday myself. Best wishes for your travels 🧡
I hope to one day have enough money to do that!
@@greenliter1right? For me, it’s nice to wish.. yet it’s only a dream… just a dream..fantasy is great I guess if that’s all it will ever be for me…
This couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. He moved out yesterday 😅
Are we all just going through the exact same thing right now? This is bizarre! I broke up with him about 1.5 weeks ago now. No fights, just didnt work anymore. Needed more time to get to know myself and have more alone time and freedom. It’s like her exact situation!
Sending you healing vibes. Becoming single, choosing to stay single, and learning to enjoy my alone time has saved my sense of self and individuality. I really hope you find the same thing in time. In the past, I was not capable of spending any time alone, and now (two years into this process) I actually prefer my alone time! Thank you for sharing this all with us. Your vulnerability is so appreciated and helps your viewers feel less lonely. I hope the comments like this one can help you feel less lonely too.
Seeing other comments has prompted me to share too: Partner told me on Thu that he cheated on me in November. In the time since, he kept it from me; we made plans to get engaged and he encouraged me to not renew my work contract so that I can move over to the US to be with him. Thank you for this small beacon during a indescribable time.
So sorry that happened. Stay true to your values, you'll come out of this stronger.
I hope you are able to pursue the life you want, you deserve it!! 💜💜
The thumbnail is reversed for me, not crying anymore when single
So super good for you yet so thoughtless for hayley. Obviously she is still struggling and hurting! why not say anything if you can't say something nice?
@@not-a-ghost2206 Respectfully, I think you're taking what they said entirely the wrong way. Did Hayley not say to share your own experiences in the comments? Do you think she meant that people should only share experiences that are identical to hers? Hayley says herself that the break up was mutual, amicable, and absolutely the right thing to do but it is still tough to go through. Whereas it sounds like @chloerayn was in a relationship that was so awful that they regularly cried during it, but not after they escaped it - one of the hallmarks of having been in a toxic or abusive relationship.
@@MorteDallAlto yes exactly the abuse is over, and though I do still struggle with conflicting emotions I’m overall not miserable anymore
@@chloerayn Unfortunately, I knew from my own experience exactly what you meant. I want to say that I'm really proud of you for getting out of that relationship, leaving a toxic and unhealthy situation is much harder than most people know but you did it! I wish you all the happiness and healing in the world ❤️☺️
I'm the heartbreak kid. Very much all or nothing in relationships, as I am in many other areas of life. I know what its like to be in a relationship that ends, in relationships where I want to be alone, in relationships where I feel like I'm alone.
Now I'm married almost 12 years to a wonderful partner who just wants me to be myself and encourages me to be alone if that helps me figure out who I am as a person. Even when I'm spending time by myself now, I never feel alone.
To you and to all those who are dealing with the pain of loss or of change, I'm sending you my love. Tomorrow is my birthday, and I can think of no other way to spend it better than by sending you all love.
We're in this together, homies.
this video hits home, and my heart goes out to you Hayley. hugs 💞
i recently (a fews months ago) decided to end my relationship. even after ending things, I've been struggling to commit time for myself. ive been so depressed the last few weeks (lost my job, PMDD, relationship ending, move not working out. its been rough.) but this weekend I finally booked a 3 day solo camping trip, near a volunteer project i want to participate in (resorting old/historic cemeteries that have fallen into disrepair).
I'm so excited and proud of myself for even looking for, planning, and scheduling such an activity for myself. and for context, i currently still live with my ex as roommates, so being at home for alone time can be difficult, especially bc we're still somewhat close. but I resisted the urge to invite them out of habit, guilt, or fear. I can't wait to get away and be fully with myself.
That’s exceptionally hard..yet I guess you have someone that can help split the bills..even if it’s incredibly rough..
This vid came at an eerily appropriate time for me because I also just went through a breakup with a long-time partner and was dealing with how to be by myself without feeling alone. Since my person was close by, it wasn't hard for me to see them multiple times a week, and they were my main source of real-life interactions until now, so I've been reflecting on how much I need to cultivate a better sense of self and self-independence. It's nice to feel less alone, but I'm hoping that both of us will adjust to the single life better over time. Hang in there! I'm so proud of _you_ for working on yourself!
Thank you for your emotional honesty. Honestly you being open with your struggles and your processes is what makes me return to this channel. You're an inspiration for neurodivergent people.
Me being content with my own company has been one of the most refreshing and hardest things for me to learn. And it's a skill I now carry with me both as single and in all my future relationships.
As much as I hate that we’re both going through a break up season right now, this makes me feel less alone in being alone😅
I definitely have the tendency to feel guilty if I’m not being productive, or to try to fill my time and space with social events, etc. This is a good reminder to really listen to my body and enjoy my time alone.
The rest of this year is gonna have a lot of growth in it, and I am committing to being single for at least a year to get to know myself better. We got this! 💜
Sending you so much love and hugs, bug. Ending relationships are always hard.
You are doing amazing!
Meanwhile I live like a hermit and am trying to learn how to be social again cause once I loved my alone time I never turned back
My now ex wife moved out in October. Been working on me. Ive got 2 special needs kids that make me-time less likely but more important. Minimalism has helped me a lot, and setting aside cleaning or projects and letting myself just sit with a movie has been great!
Im so glad that you're taking this journey to work on you!
Good vibes to you, friend
Learning to be alone without being lonely is the best skill I ever cultivated.
I couldn’t help but notice on your walks that your neighborhood has some gorgeous Japanese maple trees, which are often viewed as a symbol of patience, strength, and resilience. My eyes were as drawn to them as my ears were drawn to your words, and they made for beautiful combination. Remember that the stages of grief aren’t always linear; if you randomly find yourself feeling angry about your breakup, it doesn’t mean you’ve regressed. I’m super proud of you. 🫶🏼
30 seconds into the video and I already love your take. I’m very much into saying just because the relationship didn’t work out doesn’t mean that person is awful or that I hate them. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible or the feelings there for long term just aren’t there.
Your videos always have such great advice like in this video spending time in nature, self-care, hobbies, exercise! I mentioned before in your comments that Diane in Denmark does videos on Friday in which she gives four self-care assignments to choose from each week and Kennedy from the channel Cozy K has some nice videos about hobbies to try. Also, Cam from the channel Cam does it, mentioned music in her most recent video about slow living.
I’m glad that you’ve posted this. I’m not going through a breakup, but I have been severely isolated for the past year or so and it has really taken a significant toll on my mental health. It is relieving to know I am not the only one who struggles so immensely with being alone and how to cope when I am by myself.
Love this for you. I’m 20 days out of a 5 year relationship and am figuring out the journey for myself. The break up was not mutual, I was working hard to make things work. But now I can just work hard on myself and that’s what I’m doing 💛
It's so empowering to see you handle this breakup so well! Does it suck? Yes. Can you make time for yourself completely now? Yes!
I had a strong break up with my ex-girlfriend two years ago and this was actually the whole reason to truly find myself being alone. I found out that I was a non-binary ADHD brain/person/soul and couldn't have found that stuck in the old story. Now it's YOUR TIME. Find yourself, discover what lies deep within you, all the passions and hobbies and the learnings about who you are and where you want to go in life! Sending so much love your way! 😘
When you have a dog, you are never alone.
Thank you for sharing your struggles and triumphs with us, as someone who's had pretty much the opposite experience I never realized how difficult it is for other people to be alone. I havent dated or had more than one or two friends for about 5 years and I've never really struggled to be by myself because it was usually the only option. For me the biggest difficulty is to put myself out there, and also not to spend every moment by myself in distraction, which is something I'm always working on and making great strides in. Keep up the good work ❤
I do really struggle with being on my own, especially as my partner and I live together I often feel a weird mix of feeling guilty of being alone and also not wanting to be alone bc it’s uncomfortable. I definitely am trying to push myself to do things alone and be okay with it
I went through a real rough break up last year and I took the time to learn how to be okay by myself and when I was ready I started dating again. Then, after beginning a new and promising relationship, I was suddenly dumped. So I went through two real rough break ups in a year and it felt like all of the progress I’d made after the first break up was gone. I think I’ve learned how to be okay being alone when I’m single but I don’t know how to be alone when I’m in a relationship
i know you’re going through a hard time; thank you for still sharing this video! being single is really hard for me, but i’m trying to get better at it!
Its hard, but worth it. Still learning to value and validate myself, goals help, and knowing your intentions as you go through it is key 🔑 ❤
Oh man, thank you for sharing this with us, Hayley! ❤ My relationship right now has an end date- my partner will move away, maybe even leave the country for his PhD and we've decided to not do long distance. I've been really scared of how I will cope, but seeing this reminded me of how good I am at spending time alone, and that I can do this 😊
Sending you warm and fuzzies and healing vibes. In my past relationships I struggled a lot with being alone and when break ups happened I struggled so much, it took a year of therapy and finding myself and then being alone during lockdown to learn to be comfortable with being alone. I am married nowadays and our relationship began online and it was valuable because we were able to get to know each other more without the physical aspect. When I moved to Canada and we moved in together things fell into place and we are comfortable having our alone time, or having moments of parallel play where we are in the same room but doing different things and it doesn't feel awkward like it was in my past relationships where I would get anxious being alone. It is a journey and a process to go through this but you come out stronger on the other side and you find yourself and you will look back and be proud of how far you have come. I also want to say how awesome you are and how much your videos have helped me as I am someone who only got diagnosed with ADHD in 2021 at the age of 36 and I have multiple chronic illnesses, I have been dealing with a significant health crash since January and your videos have brought me comfort, inspired me and helped me in so many ways. Thank you so much Hayley and keep being the amazing human you are!
i’m so stinkin proud of you! you feel like a close friend to me, I imagine if we knew each other irl we’d be tight af.
I love being alone. It's my favorite thing. No one will love you like yourself, no better company. Once you master this, you will make you a better person for others. I now even only travel alone.
In 2022 I had a big burnout and stayed a whole year at home because I was so damaged. In this time I learned to be with me. Now I am doing hard of getting someone new in my life because I am to happy being alone 😅
I LOVE spending time alone. Always have. It's something you can very rarely do having a baby. So I find it to be a rather challenging time in my life. But enjoying the joys of motherhood at the same time.
After my (previous) long-term relationship ended, I realised how I barely did anything alone. I learned to 'date' myself. I'd go to the cinema, then I'd go to a restaurant and read a book. I took walks, enjoyed sitting in the park. Taking a book with me was my gateway, really. At home, I liked to make a nest of cushions, pot of tea, listen to music mindfully. I found it difficult without some sort of activity because my brain wouldn't shut up. But I loved having long walks because I could just talk to myself and exorcise the chatter. But the most liberating thing was realising I didn't have to wait on someone else to do something I enjoyed, where before I'd wait until my partner felt up to it. I took a year off dating and just learned to enjoy my own company. Getting used to a lack of background noise at home was hard, though.
I don’t know if you like to listen to breakup songs when you’re going through a break up, but if you do I recommend the song “Meant To Be” by Ber and Charlie Oriain. I listened to it a lot when I went through a break up from a relationship with a person who was genuinely good. I think that song beautifully captures the complicated feelings of knowing how good a person was and how a relationship still didn’t work, which I found comforting going through that type of a break up.
Sending you lots of love💕
this video was so amazingly timed, and so unbelievably appreciated because i’m going through pretty much the exact same situation with my self and my current (soon to be over) relationship. i’ve been so afraid to be alone even though i’m being so drained by the relationship, so seeing you going through this too is so comforting and encouraging. Because of this video i think i can finally do what i need to and break it off.
I’m so proud of you 💛💛💛
Sending you lots of love bestie! 💕
I spend a lot of time alone, i work from home, and my partner (whom I live with) often travels for work. Despite this, I really struggle. My two biggest challenges are feeding myself (arfid + executive dysfunction = bad food times) and being present with myself. I'm always a fan of having RUclips or TV on in the background so I don't feel completely alone in a space, but I end up sort of numbing myself and not really meeting my emotional needs.
Thank you so much for this video, it's really given me a lot to think about and I'm going to try to do some more grounding activities like walks and stretching to hopefully help with being connected and present with myself.
I'm sorry you're going through a break up. No matter what the reason for it, break ups are always incredibly hard. The change in routine, and expectations, are difficult enough on their own without all the other emotional parts of it. I hope you continue to be kind to yourself 💕
Wishing you so much healing and sending you so much love! Proud of you for killing it!
The ability to move through tough times with grace is an underrated superpower. You are doing such a great job of moving through the emotions while still staying committed to your work, and that is so beautifully admirable. Proud of you!!!
Sending virtual hugs to you, Hayley. I love your channel and your videos are always very comforting and make ME feel less alone. ❤
Discovered your channel recently but its become a source of excellent wisdom for me. Wish you all the best in this difficult time, I know you'll come out stronger ❤
It’s like you knew I needed this
The best thing to invest in a relationship is to be a whole person by yourself. Look at the other one as a welcoming addition to your life. We tend to bend ourselves to fit expectations, but thats not what the other one should or wants to love. Be fair, be yourself.
Love this and I couldn't agree more!! 😁 Luckily I married a guy who also agrees! XD
really enjoyed this video ! and your honest reflections
This is something that a lot of people go through first in their 20's-30's. It's beautiful to have you share your journey and kudos for not bashing your ex. That could be difficult depending on the circumstances. You're classy af dude in the right ways. 😎
I have adhd too and going through my a break up myself too ty for doing this video I needed to see someone else going through this too
Hi Haley! I just discovered you. I also had a break up a little over a month ago. However it was an unexpected and harsh breakup. However however lol i can relate to you when you say that you were working on being alone while in the relationship. Before me and my ex broke up, i was working really hard to better myself and ive found the transition to be smoother. Yeah i still hate being alone but im slowly feeling so much better about my life. Im making my happiness and health a priority and I'm so proud of myself
From an alone time lover, I want to say that alone does not mean unplanned. Maybe what you’re scared of is both but they’re not the same! So I recommend planning solo activities for yourself so there’s more than enough to do alone rather than going at it unplanned.
wow you are an artist!!
you are so pretty just wanted to mention that
I have spent a lot of time ensuring that I am never alone and actually it's the very thing I need to practice. I don't have many friends and I am always filling my time with distractions as I feel so lonely. Maybe it's time I learn to be alone a bit more.
Sending all the good love and vibes to you - Carbon/Earon
watching this video made me realize why I was burnt out back then and why I am not right now. I was terrified of being alone because I thought people would judge me for that and once I faced this unconscious thought and unpacked why it was so ridiculously stupid to force myself to live a life like that, I stopped. Of course not giving myself alone time was not completely under my control, I was staying in a dorm room and I changed my room to have some more personal space. Now I allow myself to relax when I need to. As a self-diagnosed autistic trans man who has also ADHD, I need to have the privilege of not being perceived and not forcing myself to mask, not forcing myself to perform small talk, and be around people I feel not judged by as much as I can. These are the things that helped me. I don't need to conform to social rules. I am okay as long as I feel content. If I need alone time it's because I need alone time not because I am lonely and I think that should be true even in a relationship, speaking from the perspective of someone who is in a long-term (almost 2 and a half years) relationship.
just broke up with ny wonderful boyfriend, love him so much but we want such different things for the future that it just wont work. its so hard
Spending time alone is scary! I realized it’s hard for me to just be especially going through my mental health. But I am trying to be okay when I am alone.
I just got broken up with so this will be super useful
Totally relate
Hugs
It waxes and wanes
I crave alone time but im currently creating through/ out of; depression so alone time usually means rest. Then guilt brain kicks in while we look around the ADHD wrecked house...
I do work alone though. So i listen to videos like yours to better myself and find connection while being alone 40 hrs a week
Just had a friend break up so this couldn't be better timed
I think I'm comfortable being alone, I just find it very hard to deal with the feeling that I've never been enough for anyone.
I broke off a bad relationship a few years ago, and had spent so much time working on myself before then that while it was still incredibly painful, I basically launched myself full speed into a healing journey, and to get to know myself better. I did not know how to be by myself then, because I never got the chance to even try. Now I'm much better at it, and my boyfriend now is amazing who gives me space when I ask for it. I found that I don't like living on my own, I really prefer to have someone come back home at the end of the day to constantly coming to an empty home by myself. I'm too introverted to always try and make plans with friends xD Healing takes a long time, but once we start, the only way forward is through :)
Alone time is still kinda hard for me i dont really know how to like myself and i am mostly restless inside my body and mind the only moments when i really feel alive or somewhat happy is if someone is by my side that i really like or i can really connect with.
Hey, do you ever think about sharing a little more about your dogs reactivity? Asking cause I have a reactive baby too, and on top of it already being hard, I find that helping him while handling ADHD adds that extra spice lol
Ugh is came out at the perfect time 😭
It sounds like coffee might have too much caffeine for you. I highly recommend looking into tea. Not only does it have less caffeine but it has a sort of time release effect so it doesn't hit all at once. Not to mention the other things that are in tea that help you focus and boost your mood. I got into loose leaf tea recently and it been quite a boost to my life! If you have any questions let me know
I am married and pregnant with my second so at this point when I get alone time, I don’t know what to do with it. A lot of my old pre-husband pre-kid hobbies don’t fit into my life anymore so I’m struggling to know what to DO with my alone time and often feel like I waste it or don’t get anything out of it.
I do feel like I am the odd one out here. I have been single now for 8 years. I have lived alone in my apartment for 6.5 years and the type of work that I do is solo as well. So, I am usually alone 90%. 100% right now because I am sick as a dog! Though, I do have my cat. He's fat and cute. I remember you saying that you don't have a lot of hobbies you can really feed from as I often do have a lot of hobbies but often deal with the Autism regression of those hobbies, often not finding the excitement of doing them anymore because I am not as good as I once was at them. Except for crocheting. I have a crochet sweater project I've been working on for a few months and it is my chill hobbie when I am frustrated with something and I just want to be good at something I know I am good at.
The type of work I do often gives me enough activity time during the day, I often get around 9k to 12k steps. And I am getting enough sun that way.
I've only been diagnosed for 6 months and working through the unmasking and trauma that I have put myself through. It's been interesting that my personality is actually much more childlike than what I had given off while masking. I am learning to give myself kindness while I can tell that I have become irksome to others and deciding if that something I want to correct or not. Most times, it not because it takes so much of my headspace and energy now to mask and often I am noticing that how I am irksome is not something that should be ashamed of and it often the result of others not understanding. As to wanting to make others understand, it tends to be hit or miss and I am not wanting to give more energy into making others understand.
That ultimately makes me more of a hermit now because I often don't want to put much energy into making others comfortable around me. I feel like that goes back into my people pleasing tendancies and the hypervilgance is still a very powerful habit.
I'm constantly fighting my brain thinking i have to always be productive and social. I'm spending a lot of time alone and i really need this time for myself. Luckily my partner is similar to me. I really try to rest more and take myself more serious because will have to bear the consequences if don't
💙💙💙
I am also suuuuper sensitive to caffeine and only drink decaf (and even still feel the effects some) and I’m wondering if you have tried stimulants and if so, how they made you feel? Sorry if you have covered meds in a different video…I am kind of new to the channel!
Honestly I find it so hard to be alone.
Yo I also get anxious sometimes from decaf coffee and I'm like whhyyyyyy. I'm an hsp so I just assume its because my nervous system is hella sensitive.
I crave it. But i live with my elderly parents so it is a rarity indeed. Makes me quite crabby as i never feel like i can relax. It is my own brain issue.
Most of the time I avoid being alone or when I am alone I try to distract myself a lot. I think that’s because I overthink a lot and I am really hard on myself. I am pretty young and a little while ago I was, for the first time, home alone for a weekend. That went pretty well. I didn’t struggle with feeling guilty towards others and I knew I understood myself and accepted it when I did distract myself for too long. Now I have a long period without school or work and I noticed that I am struggling with having nothing to motivate me to get out of bed. But I am also quickly overwhelmed, so I don’t really know what to do. Any tips?
My boyfriend broke up with me 4 days ago so this came exactly at the right time
I have never been in a relationship before I find it hard to make friends due to my autism
Hey if you want someone to talk to id be happy to listen
What state are you from?
British Columbia, Canada, I think, is where she's from
I love being single. Not at first but u will start to love it. May I ask y u broke up? Srry if that's too personal. ❤
I also want to know
free palestine? (boycott mcdonalds)