It's also complete nonsense. Sure, dwarven bones don't bend. But, they're bones. I wouldn't expect orc bones or human bones or halfling bones to bend either. So why are we picking on this player's character?
i think maybe he’s taking inspiration from Eragon. its been at least 8 years since i read it but I remember there was a dwarf who had spikes IN his fists like knuckles the echidna. And he explains that they were implemented by drilling wells into the bone so you can screw in the spikes. Eragon’s like “that sounds cool” and then the dwarf says “i wouldn’t reccomend it for humans their fingers are too brittle and thin, we dwarves do this because we have thick strong bones.” maybe Evolutionarally all the bone density that went the length got turned into width as their skeletons were shorter.
The cold open's DM forgot the key element of writing a book- nobody gives a shit about your world until they've got a reason to. Expecting people to be as nerdy about your world as you are is simply not going to work in any entertainment format.
Exactly! The one time my friend DM'd he did exactly that where he just regurgitated all this lore and story on us. The only "combat" encounter that happened in the 4 hours was the classic "you have to run away from the BBEG" scenario. The entire four hours after that was just lore dump after lore dump... He didn't even have stats for the enemies that he did plan for, I knew for a fact that he was rolling things wrong since his zombies apparently had a really high intelligence modifier somehow 😂
Yep, pare it down to main points, I’ll use my intro to one of my worlds as example: A thousand years ago, the coming of a great disaster drove the races to flee to a newly discovered part of the world at the urging of The Archmage; who used his powers to seal it away from the planar energies of the disaster. The races now live in (mostly) harmony under the Empire they established under The Archmage’s line in this land, and the raging energies beyond the mountains has finally faded. Will you adventure in the homelands that is all anyone has known for a millennia, or will you be part of the expeditions out into the world beyond? This world has steampunk, psionics, and unique applications of magic all its own. Planar beings (and heritage) are common, but dragons were unseen in this world for millennia before the disaster (and rare before that). There are three gods that are all that remained contactable through the thousand years, all others are forgotten save in writings or the memories of the longest lived elves: 1) The Crafter - Good God of Creation, Crafting, and Order. 2) The Lady of Life - Neutral Goddess of Life, Luck, and Invention. 3) The Devourer - Evil God of Destruction, Chaos, and Madness.
Dwarf #1: "We had another cave-in today, sir." Dwarf #2: "Damn. It's a shame nobody has the ability to look at the ceiling of the tunnels to check the quality of them." Dwarf #1: "Especially when we're digging them. It's amazing our race has even survived this long." -------------- Annoying Player: "Can I roll for dick size?" Me as GM: "Sure. Roll a 1d3." Annoying Player: "... That better not be for inches." Me as GM: "What, no! I use centimeters... for when fully erect." ------------- Crispy: "... soggy biscuit... I'm going to have to Google it." Me: "Don't... Just don't. I don't even have a frickin' clue what it is, but I know enough not to."
Lucky for you, I'm not nearly that smart to not Google fucked up shit. So, to all who want to know what it is: Google it yourselves like I did lol. It's definitely disgusting, I'll admit, but having seen some things on the internet, it wasn't that phasing for me. For anyone not QUITE curious enough to look for themselves: Frat houses (and some boarding schools) have traditions where they'll make the new guy participate in something disgusting or painful in order to "show they can hang with the rest". Disgusting like drinking toilet water or licking someone's sweat...or painful/unhealthy like slamming your hand in the frat house door or standing out naked in the cold during winter. Soggy Biscuit is one of the disgusting "challenges".
They entire group was specifically screwing with him, and would have found something else to bully him with, even if he had gone for the typical dwarven fighter. It was a set-up from the beginning.
For my campaign’s first session, I introduced the setting to my players with a 5-minute shadow puppet show of the creation myth. I put a lot of time into writing and memorizing the script I wrote and making the puppets. I told the story over some atmospheric backing music and used my Galaxy Lamp and a white sheet to make the shadows. When it was done, we jumped right into the session, as I told the players that their characters were all members of the audience attending this shadow play that had just finished. Everyone agreed that it was a fun and unique performative introduction to the world of the campaign. Then the props in the in-universe play started to come to life and wreak havoc, so we rolled initiative and that’s how the party got to know one another!
Ok so, that last story was crazy, I think OP should have just ended the campaign by the first session after what happened. The fact he is still friends with these guys is just crazy to me. I went and read the comments on the original post, someone tried to suggest to maybe play with irl friends if he knows anyone who wants to play, and OP responded with "Those are my irl friends". Like dude, no they are not, these guys made fun of you more than once in that story, and not in the friendly way either (I say this as in my friend group we make fun of each other all the time, but we never mean what we say) they would say that shit if you did anything they didn't like. Best thing I can say is cut all contact with these people if you can, find a new friend group, even if its people you end up playing DnD with online. You don't need toxic people like that in your life, it's not good for you mental health, trust me, I had friends like that before, and I started to do a lot better after I cut them out of my life. This is not me saying this was OP's fault, sorry if it sounds like that, this is me just saying they need to find better friends.
These guys are most definitely not his friends and at best are sociopaths and at wort borderline psychopaths. They really need to be in therapy. And yes that is my professional opinion.
In the last paragraph that wasn't read out loud, the OP clarifies that they're on the spectrum. I imagine that has something to do with their social lacking and unwillingness to let their "friends" go.
Hi! Author of story 2, I will say this is the first red flag I saw from my friends. There have been a lot of times where they've actively done minor things that have really built up. My decision to leave this group is mostly me building up my self-confidence. I'm not opposed to individual friendships, but when they get together there is usually someone in the room who has to become the bullying target. The DM himself (while doing questionable things) then became target of ridicule for about 3 months before he AWOL'd for a year. You were also one of the channels I frequent when I mentioned listening to a lot of D&D stories. I also meant to type "lawful good" paladin instead of "chaotic good". Oops. Have a wonderful day
Dwarves have used bows in arrows in The Hobbit as well as in The Chronicles of Narnia. I know neither of those have Gimli in them, so they probably don't count, but that doesn't mean a dwarf is clueless if it uses anything other than hammers and axes.
The final story is the perfect example of why you must put your foot down, or risk letting the idiots ruin your experience. No DND is better than bad DND.
@@nickchavez720 It can be. It can be whatever you want. The issue was only that they weren't all on the same page. If you want to do stuff you gotta get consent and run it by everyone so you are sure your all comfortable with it. Even the most PG games have that requirement.
I like the concept of a 'problem table', gives problem players who may not be bad people just confused or bad at social norms a chance at rehabilitation and teaching them good habits rather than just kicking them with no explanation or opportunity for growth.
It's wild that they did that to the Paladin. If that were me, I'd just be like "nah, my guy just leaves. None of that happens." Cuz this is a collaborative effort and i ain't about having my guy die in such a bizarre disrespectful way. Especially if it was a self insert.
In case anyone heard the last story and is looking into the comments wanting to know what "soggy biscuit" is but don't wanna look it up, it's basically a game where a bunch of guys... bust their seed on a biscuit (or any kind of baked good, according to wikipedia), and the one that busts one out last has to eat it (I'm trying to be tame with my wording here so youtube doesn't blast my comment down on sight). I've never heard of it before this and I didn't find any comments that said what it was, so I decided to take one for the team.
@@kariissmol9172 I'm pretty sure that "soggy biscut" is just a sex joke that nobody actually does in real life, like the cleaveland steamer. (If you don't know what that is, don't ask.)
7:40 ouch, "troll DMs and troll parties that just like to bully the new guy" describes my first experience with dnd and video games with my friends so well. It hurts man.
Re: "chaotic good" -I don't know if things are different in PF, but the moment a character attempts to do something hostile, initiative is rolled. Additionally, even if the player and DM had already agreed to write out this character, like, dude... DM, pull the reigns! Remember -what you permit, you promote.
With the intro story, there's setting a scene with background lore and having a whole honest to god lecture. It'd be insane not to expect anyone to either tune out or leave.
Yeah With Story 1, it’s like the opening of a video game with the cutscenes setting up the game’s story and expecting the player to wait patiently but it’s taking the piss to make them wait through a full on lecture about things they have no reason to care about yet and they’re just gonna be on their phones tuning you out until you finally get to what we’re all here, you bloated windbag! …damn that was a helluva run-on sentence!
My horror story is a rogue who steals enemies eyes and refuses to cooperate and listen to the party. He barely does anything in combat too until a few sessions in and ignored his class features.
That house rule on Dwarves hurt my soul because that character sounded legitimately cool and interesting. What a way to throw out a perfectly good concept.
For the dwarf story, the DM could of used Dragon Age as a scapegoat as to why dwarves can't look up. In Dragon Age, Dwarves have this uncanny fear of the sky, thus always indulging themselves down underground. The ones who could handle the above ground were, I think, called surface walkers and they usually took the position as soldiers (or merchants. Had to edit this in) rather than the traditional blacksmithing or mining. In some instances in the game, whenever you talk to a dwarf, you get the interaction of them freaking out that there's no ceiling and that "they're going to end up falling up into the sky". That's the only thing that I could think of about the weird "looking up" thing. Other than that, I'm at a loss.
Dragon Age as far as I am aware only appeared in 09, the author said the story occurred in the late nineties long before Origins would be released. I think the DM was just a dick head who decided it's fun to be a dick head to a new player.
@@Faucetofstone Yeah, that was just straight up bullying and taking advantage of the new guy not knowing the rules inside and out to make up restrictions that didn't exist.
I LOVE the idea of a Problem Player Table. Wow! That was brilliant! It either forces them to fix their behavior or it forces them to leave, or it forces them to stay problematic at the table where the only people they are annoying are other problem players (who can say, "Hey! He's annoying! Wait, is THAT why *I* am here? Ugh!) and experienced volunteers, who can take a break any time they need to, and are not afraid to face down the problem players, and say, "THIS is why you are here. THIS is why other people don't to play with you. If you get booted from THIS table, you'll be banned from the whole store. Understand?" I LOVE IT!
Jesus Christ, that first one. I think discovering the lore IN-GAME is part of the fun! My DM has a lot of homebrew in an Eberron setting, and every party member has a little bit of that lore in their backstory. We're starting to tie the threads together, and the big picture is juuuuuust starting to come into focus. (All our characters are super suspicious of each other, or we probably would've figure shit out sooner lol). We've run into a prince in disguise, and the 3 characters who were magically experimented on are realizing that it wasn't just ONE dragon-marked house doing the evil--there's a conspiracy afoot, and it goes beyond mortal machinations! It's so cool, and if our DM had just TOLD us all this in a two-hour long lore dump, it wouldn't be nearly as interesting.
Story 2: "myself being chaotic good".....maybe three sentences later "being a lawful paladin i didn't want to partake" but then the rest of the story oof
I played a cleric of Aphrodite and often said that he’d visit brothels bit never thought to have the DM to describe things in detail, just a “he’s off to the local brothel!” (For earthly pleasures true but also to help the “ladies of the night” with care/cures/etc.)… what was in the video was a bit creepy.
I've tried a few times to write this but yes there are situation where you can forever drop a friend if they do something horrible and don't always force yourself to talk or reason with them cause there are lines to be draw and walking away for your own sake is best.
First dnd doge and now crispy learned about "soggy biscuit". I fear for the rest who will be cursed by looking up what that is. Also, calling it the craziest fantasy is an understatement.
That last story? I'd break my normal no-naming stance and plastered their handles and such (not to the extent of actual doxing) so that it wouldn't just be hard for them to find a game, I'd try to make it impossible for them to find a table outside of their own circle.
I've come to wonder if a lot of people's perceptions of 'chaotic good' is like fans' concept of Grey Jedi. The whole "I can do all this stuff that aligns me with the Dark Side, but I'm not Dark Side because reasons."
I play a chaotic good Elven ranger and the way ive interpreted chaotic good for him is: He is a good person, but is just oblivious/willing to bend and break rules if he has to. So i have made 3 deals with a hag because he doesnt know that hags are a bad thing, to which i owe her 3 kisses (i.e she will telepathically tell me to kiss somebody in any situation she wants). But also im fine with stealing/killing when it has to be done for good - but im against mindless killing because to me - that puts you more on the evil spectrum than chaotic.
I love chaotic good, that and lawful neutral are my favourite allignments (my lawful neutral character is a human bloodhunter who follows the bloodhunter code, as well as follows her gods principles, but put a were-creature infront of her and its a blind rage)
No when it comes to Chaotic Good I think it is more someone like Han Solo. Yes he is a smuggler, yes he openly flouts the laws and regulations of multiple systems and sectors and galaxy-spanning governments. Yes he does many illegal things, but he is still a hero and a good person.
Literally anyone who's not Jedi or Sith, but still versed in the Force (i.e. most of the lore): the Light Side is about control, the Dark Side is about passion. Neither are inherently good or evil. Star Wars Fans and apparently actual cannon despite that?: NOOOO! THE DARK SIDE IS PURE EVIL AND CORRUPT AND SHOULDN'T EXIST!
I mean 2 hours of world building pre session zero is a good thing... if it stays in your notes and is used to help make decisions and guide further world building events.... 2 hours of a lore dump... that DM needed a session editor to cut them back...
@@AnotherDM the excessive world building was a reference to a Seth Skorkowsky video where he describes exactly where you're talking about with lore dumps.
Weirdly I think people are increasingly impatient. They do not want to even read a few paragraphs anymore, and of course if you don't do that, they ask all kinds of questions you could have answered instantly. While not always the case, back when I did live gaming more frequently it was not uncommon to simply have the first session be group discussion and character building. The GM would explain all his world material there, and everyone would build their characters for the GM to review and help put in context. Many times with a new group it would not be until the second session that we would start. As a result, 2 hours of world explanation does not too bad, as sometimes you could spend two or three times that making characters depending on the system and circumstances. I've actually found games that start like this tend to do better and last longer, than other situation, if nothing else there are less serious misunderstandings and you know the party is at least going to have some cohesion. With such groups they tend to actually have their worst problems as people leave, and replacements are brought in more gradually. You also have difficulty with an almost stereotypical wife or friend of the GM, who either can't attend character generation, or just putters around, having already created their character. Almost inevitably that means they are going to have party wrecking secrets and/or gimmicks, or at least a high degree of favortism. I can get behind heroes with secrets and things the rest of the party does not know, but when it happens like this, you know there is going to be some crazy angle, and at least half the time it pretty much deep sixes the group.
I literally called out "Crispy, no!!" when you went to google that. Another piece of innocence ruined. Also I love world building and talking about my worlds as much as the next guy but I would not subject my friends to a two hours lecture about it. It is way more fun to have them explore and discover it by themselves!
I don't even remember what I was going to say about any of the stories before the last one. The ONE TIME I dealt with players like that myself, I just paused the game and told them to just tell me if they didn't want to play. Then I explained that I put a lot of work into this campaign, and they're just pissing all over it, and if they don't want to play WITH me, I'll just go. They did not take it seriously, so I just grabbed my stuff and left. Never talked to them again. No idea what they said about me afterward, and I don't care either.
I can't speak for two hours straight either. Not comfortably anyway. I used to have a job at a call center that required me to do exactly that-- constant talking for two hour stretches. I ended up straining my vocal cords to the point that any sort of talking really hurt. The moral of the story is, don't work at call centers.
Dwarves Can’t Look Up: Wonder how that DM reacted to Paizo making Pathfinder’s Iconic Ranger a crossbow-wielding dwarf. Who drinks tea and enjoys the outdoors.
"I just trust my players aren't going to cheat on them" As someone who's played with the same exact group for a year and regularly plays one shots with total strangers online, I can say for certain that you absolutely must check your player's sheets. The most prevalent issues I see are inexperienced players allocating stats incorrectly, players not giving themselves the right equipment, players giving themselves magic items or other items that their class doesn't default start with, cheesing the HP modifiers, adding extra feats, among many other things I've seen incorrect on my player sheets in the past. And a lot of the above I've seen from very experienced players. I don't know if it's people just not understanding the character creation process or if it's people trying to subtly get away with some extra boosts hoping the DM won't actually check the sheet.
Here to report two months later that this is still a consistent issue. I've had to approach the same player for the fourth time about adding stuff I straight-up told him this breaks my trust when he does this and I'm at a point where I don't even want the host DND anymore for my normal group. I'm just going to stick with randoms online because apparently I can trust them better
That last story: what is wrong with those players? That is seriously messed up stuff (I apologize if there was any problems in the last comment I made, as I wasn't trying to make it sound as bad as it may have come across)
20:05 this is a lesson in boundaries. when u say no, it means no. dont cave to pressure if u can recognzie that you have a valid point. 25:00 yeah this is what no boundaries looks like. theyre totally disrepecting her, and she STILL wants to "make the game good for them" BEWARE OF YOUR OWN PEOPLE PLEASING TENDENCIES!!
That dwarven ranger thing reminds me of my experiences with pathfinder. It was like everyone needs to be min maxed and it doesn't matter what other party members have so you all need x skill, etc. we had a almost TPK (2 of 7 walked away, barely) because apparently "all pathfinders should be able to fly by level 5, everyone should know that". This was most of our first experiences with pathfinder. we quit and have not gone back to pathfinder.
In spite of your attemt to warn us off with your extreme reaction, I too gave in to morbid curiosity. I miss when I'd never heard the term "soggy biscuit."
24:07 that twist is so sharp, screw having whiplash im pretty sure I snapped my neck on it. I know dnd is supposed to be an outlet of certain fantasies but what in the H E double hockey sticks were those players thinking it was suitable to bring that up. That crossed so many lines, it could’ve been a cross word puzzle of “FUCK NO”
DM: Knows the Paladin is leaving the group, so he allows the Sorcerer to cast a PvP spell. Group gangs up on Paladin, insults him, execute him, and then loots the body. DM: You have each shifted to evil alignments. Group: "Wait! What? Oh, come on! You KNOW that alignments don't MEAN anything." DM: Clearly, they don't mean anything TO YOU, since you all declared yourselves to be good, except the bard, who declared himself to be neutral. Then, you went graverobbing and flat-out MURDERED the two innocent people who spoke against it, including your PARTNER, who simply wanted LEAVE. He wasn't even asking for a share of the loot, and he wasn't going to report you to the town guard for grave robbing. He simply wanted to LEAVE, and you MURDERED HIM. That is EVIL. You can SAY you're good or neutral, all you want, but your characters ARE evil, and will be treated as such. Next session: DM: There is a bounty on your heads, as you were witnessed attacking the gravedigger, robbing the graves, and murdering the Paladin. Group: "Hey! You can't do that!" DM: "Yes, I can. You committed murder, as well as other heinous crimes, and were seen, so there is a bounty on your head." Group: What about innocent until proven guilty? We haven't had a trial! DM: "That is why you are wanted alive, rather than dead. The bounty is for bringing you to justice, so that you can face a proper trial." Group: "Oh, well, I guess that's OK. I mean, we have all this loot, so we can afford the best lawyer in town. We'll win." DM: One of the bands of adventurers in the adventurer's guild contains two paladins, a cleric of lawful good, and some POTENT spell-casters. They are also several levels above you. With "Detect Evil" active, they are easily able to find you. Roll initiative. Group is then soundly beaten, and taken in to the judge to face trial. BUT, they have the opportunity to trade their loot for the best lawyer in town. However, the second-best lawyer in town has access to clerics, and calls them forth, with the judge's permission, to call forth the witnesses for the prosecution. First, they bring forth the witness, who saw it all, and knows where the bodies are buried. Then, they bring forth the people who dug up the bodies, and examined them, discovering forensic evidence on how they died, and that they definitely were NOT the proper bodies for the graves in which they were found. Also, that they were fresh, and time of death matches the crime. THEN: "Bring forth the body of the grave digger! Now, then, the cleric will cast Speak with Dead, and I will ask him my questions. We can cast the spell as many times as necessary for both my examination and cross examination from the defense." After that, "Bring forth the body of the paladin. The court clerics will cast Speak with Dead as many times as necessary for my examination and the defense's cross examination." Let's see the newly-evil adventurers get out of that one, even WITH the best lawyer in town. Also, the gallery is filled with ALL the NPCs in town, who want to see the trial. Even if they lawyer gets them off on a technicality, EVERY SINGLE NPC IN TOWN AVOIDS THEM, FROM THEN ON. Because they are evil and dangerous and everyone knows they are MURDERERS. That's when the DM says, "So, although we all agreed that this would be a heroic adventure, with you all (except the bard, who was neutral) playing good characters. But clearly, you prefer to be murderhobos. Do you want me to re-write the ENTIRE CAMPAIGN to be an evil campaign? Do you want to work together to take over the world, and rule as tyrants? Group: YEAH! Do that for us! DM: What's in it for me? Group: Huh? You get to DM a fun game, of course. DM: What's in it for me to CREATE AN ENTIRELY NEW CAMPAIGN FOR YOU, FROM SCRATCH? With an end goal of TAKING OVER MY ENTIRE WORLD? What do *I*, the person who has to do all that work, get out of it? Group: Well, you know, we'll play with you. You get to spend fun times with your friends. DM: I could do that for free. So, what's in it FOR ME, to do all that work for you? All when I have a perfectly GOOD campaign ALREADY PREPARED? Group: Well, you know, just use that campaign, and re-skin it for us to be evil. DM: That is STILL a huge amount of work. Again, WHAT IS IN IT FOR ME? Group: Well... DM: How about you all leave my table, and take some time to think about your actions. You HURT ME and you HURT OP, with your actions in this game. You will NOT be welcome back to my table, until you agree to play nicely with BOTH of us. No more of these shenanigans. I do not WANT to run an evil campaign. At least not until I have FINISHED the GOOD campaign I ALREADY CREATED FOR YOU. I am NOT going to throw all that work away, just because you guys don't know the difference between good and MURDER. If you refuse to play nicely, I'll just get NEW friends to play with me, using the same campaign that I ALREADY created. I will not do one more lick of work for any of YOU, except OP, because HE ACTUALLY TRIED. He even created a new character JUST to play with you MURDERHOBOS, because he is COOPERATIVE, even after you insulted him, and murdered him when he was simply trying to LEAVE and avoid intra-party conflict. So, he's welcome to play with me, any time. The rest of you are NOT. Not until you 1) apologize to BOTH of us, and 2) you make ALL NEW ACTUALLY GOOD CHARACTERS who WILL PLAY A HEROIC CAMPAIGN. If you won't do that, then I won't waste my time playing with you. At all. Not D&D, and not hanging out at the bar, not playing board games, and not hanging out at your house, helping you fix your broken down cars. NOTHING. Because YOU ARE RUDE PEOPLE WHO ENJOY HURTING PEOPLE YOU *CALL* YOUR FRIENDS, AND I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO ABUSE ME LIKE THAT ANY MORE. I already bent over backwards for you with this trial thing, that was A WHOLE MESS OF EXTRA WORK. And did you THANK me? No, you did not. You complained and told me I can't DO that to you. That I cannot give you the NATURAL CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS. Well, enough of that, and enough of you. Take your character sheets and leave. Group: HEY! You didn't WARN us that we weren't allowed to be evil! DM: Yes, I did. I TOLD you this was a heroic adventure, for good-aligned characters, or at least neutral. Don't lie to me. Either apologize and make things right, or GO AWAY. There is no "Door Number Three." OP, since they're leaving, what do you say to a one-on-one game with your Paladin? He's been raised from the dead, along with the gravedigger, so that he can witness the executions, and all of THEIR loot will be divided amongst their victims. You are then free to either join another adventuring party, or go solo. Between sessions, I already went to the trouble of creating a short solo adventure just for the Paladin. Or perhaps you'd like to play both the Paladin and the Witch? She was found not-guilty, after all, since she didn't join them until after the crimes were committed, and it was just an assignment, anyway, so she didn't seek out evildoers to join. She's free and clear. OP: Oooh! Paladin and Witch! That sounds fun! DM: Yes, and it's an interesting combination, as well. Paladin covers the fighting/meat-sheild/healer aspect, and the Witch covers most spell-casting. Brain and Brawn, as it were. And what are you guys still doing here? I TOLD you to GO AWAY! You will not even be ALLOWED to apologize until after you've had some time to think about it. Call me in two weeks, if you SINCERELY want to apologize and do right. Group: HEY! You can't treat us that way! DM: Yes, I can. And now it's three weeks. Goodbye. You have 30 seconds before I call the cops and report you for trespassing. Group: HEYYYYY! You can't DO THAT! DM: Twenty seconds. :picks up phone and starts dialing, ready to press call: Group: NOOOOOOOOOO! DM: Ten seconds. The door is that way. :poises finger over call.: Group: You are NOT allowed to boot us from the game! Who do you think you are? DM: And, CALL! Hello, I have some trespassers in my house who have been just AWFUL to me and my friend, and they refuse to leave. Please send assistance. Their names are... Yes, I do want to press charges. I gave them warning to leave, and they refused, so even if they are gone by the time the cops get here, I still want to press charges of trespassing against them, and put it on their record. Can I do that? If they're still here by that time, then block the exit, so that they can't get away before the cops get there, so that they CAN press charges. Seriously, those guys were awful, and deserve to be booted from the game and from both OP's and DM's life. I know what you said, to keep the game and real life separate, but the game affects real life. They got away with bullying both the DM and the OP, and they WILL take advantage of that, and bully them some more, if they don't see some REAL consequences, not just in-game consequences.
To be fair to the poor abused Dwarf Archer who can't look up, "the rules were restrictive and stupid and the players were argumentative and unwelcoming" is a pretty good description of D&D sometimes. Far too often, really. Describes a good chunk of my history with the game.
Those guys in the last story are actual criminals. They've got to be. I'm extremely confident that all of them have warrants out on them. At least one of them is wearing an ankle monitor right now. Christ.
I have a friend who’s a DM and we both share the mentality of “sometimes, arson is the answer”. Never played a game with her but sometimes I do fluff up her campaigns because she knows I’m a writer and it’s a fun escape for me sometimes. But anyway, long story short, homegirl likes candles and requires all players to do paper sheets for their characters. So if she has completely unruly players like the last story, those player sheets get burned and the players have to start from scratch. Some of them have left and I’ll hear about it later when they think I’m gonna console them. And my only response has been “Okay. But what did you do to make her permakill your character like that?” It’s hilarious. 10/10 recommend. 🔥🔥🔥
One of our favorite games involved a whole chapter of us running a brothel and dealing with the problems involved in the sex trade. The difference is we tried to be intelligent and acted like normal humans and we dealt with the consequences of our actions.
I love the idea of the Nice Guy(TM) Rehab Table! Those who really just need to learn the etiquette/need time to mature can get the support they need to function well with a real group, and those who are irredeemable get ousted.
Yeah it was very clearly hazing, like I've only played 4th and 5th edition but I can't think of any reason why a ttrpg would include a "the ability to look up" feat
When I started my Exandria campaign, I wrote out a lore document to read to my players who weren't familiar with Critical Role lore, but then remembered that CR already made a lore video going over everything I needed to cover. So I just made my players watch that before we started playing. Perks of playing in a published setting!
This is why every game that includes potential powerful and out of control adventurers needs a solution to take care of them. Think MaxTac (aka the Cyberpsycho Squad) from Cyberpunk 2020&2077. (just watch the first 3 minutes of Cyberpunk Edgerunners if you don't know what I am talking about.) Honestly, when you think about it, pretty much every kingdom in any D&D setting would have countermeasures in place to deal with crazy mages that go off and shoot fireballs in the middle of a crowded city street, or a berserk barbarian mowing down everyone in sight. When things get that carried away, there is nothing wrong with doing to players what they do to NPCs.
Story number four, the dm really needed to have a talk after the first session. The dm can have full control to completely stop something. However, if they aren't understanding this they can still talk to the group and tell them that these behaviors are acceptable. That person is asking for the problems they wrote about especially after trying another season with them
Could you imagine the problem player table being filled with the most despicable players from rpghorrorstories? There wouldn’t even be a session 0, not even a session -1.
Story 1 A DM and party set OP to fail. What a terrible party. Please folks, don’t feel trapped if you want to leave. Either call parents and say it is an emergency, get a taxi or tell that ride you need to go home now.
world building is awesome... being proud of it is a given, some of us have a real hard time NOT info dumping. especaily if we are hyperfocusing on it. best thing you can do is politely tell us that you aren't in the headspace to listen. it might take a few tries with some, but a lot of people will be like "ooh I'm sorry I got carried away... I'll try to stop." some folk might be cringy but we just get excited and don't realize we over shared. you'll see it more with the ADHD and BPD and I think ASD. we don't mean to be a bother.
Intro is why I have a lore doc with a general overview of history and then all in game lore is only plot essential stuff. If people want to know things to tie them into backstories or they’re just interested I tell them out of session. That guy was just doing an audiobook instead of a dnd session.
the story that is described around 22:20..."is the guards weaker than zerglings" timing couldnt be better, while listening to this i am in fact playing starcraft 1 campaigns xD
Anyone can look up. Even in AD&D, and 2e where THACO is a thing. Now u did need proficiency in said weapon when u make ur character. Ex: u make a character that's good with a longsword, u encounter a flying creature attacking the party. To save them u pick up a bow. Ur not proficient with bows so u take negatives when using it. Roll with disadvantage, take a minus to hit, or u can't use them. (Can't remember what the exact rule is in 2e.)
I'm so lucky that my first D&D experience growing up was welcoming and inventive and very flexible and inviting. They were good friends of mine. I get so sad when i hear horror stories about TTRPGs and awful tables with authoritarian, antisocial DMs.
Honestly if you're gonna write a novel, you're not supposed to lore dump like that. I have spent a lot of time making my lore, but if I dumped it all in the intro, no one would want to read it
Story number one: That is not a thing, it never was, it never will be. The D.M. was just screwing the player over.
I feel like the DM was most definitely punishing
@@jackmack4181 Oh yeah, no question.
Just another DM making excuses to spite a character build for some reason.
@@ArcCaravan Pretty much.
MEGAN FROM MLP!
Bad and Naughty players are sent to The Shame Table to atone for their crimes
"The inherent inflexibility of Dwarven cervical bones" is not a sentence I expected to hear in my lifetime.
It's also complete nonsense. Sure, dwarven bones don't bend. But, they're bones. I wouldn't expect orc bones or human bones or halfling bones to bend either. So why are we picking on this player's character?
i think maybe he’s taking inspiration from Eragon. its been at least 8 years since i read it but I remember there was a dwarf who had spikes IN his fists like knuckles the echidna. And he explains that they were implemented by drilling wells into the bone so you can screw in the spikes. Eragon’s like “that sounds cool” and then the dwarf says “i wouldn’t reccomend it for humans their fingers are too brittle and thin, we dwarves do this because we have thick strong bones.”
maybe Evolutionarally all the bone density that went the length got turned into width as their skeletons were shorter.
Nobody expects the Spanish inflexibility of Dwarven cervical bones!
Didn’t expect to see something like this outside a copy pasta
"Dwarves can't look up" seems like something that would come up during character creation if the DM wasn't just making things up on the spot.
The cold open's DM forgot the key element of writing a book- nobody gives a shit about your world until they've got a reason to. Expecting people to be as nerdy about your world as you are is simply not going to work in any entertainment format.
Exactly! The one time my friend DM'd he did exactly that where he just regurgitated all this lore and story on us. The only "combat" encounter that happened in the 4 hours was the classic "you have to run away from the BBEG" scenario.
The entire four hours after that was just lore dump after lore dump... He didn't even have stats for the enemies that he did plan for, I knew for a fact that he was rolling things wrong since his zombies apparently had a really high intelligence modifier somehow 😂
Yep, pare it down to main points, I’ll use my intro to one of my worlds as example:
A thousand years ago, the coming of a great disaster drove the races to flee to a newly discovered part of the world at the urging of The Archmage; who used his powers to seal it away from the planar energies of the disaster. The races now live in (mostly) harmony under the Empire they established under The Archmage’s line in this land, and the raging energies beyond the mountains has finally faded. Will you adventure in the homelands that is all anyone has known for a millennia, or will you be part of the expeditions out into the world beyond?
This world has steampunk, psionics, and unique applications of magic all its own. Planar beings (and heritage) are common, but dragons were unseen in this world for millennia before the disaster (and rare before that).
There are three gods that are all that remained contactable through the thousand years, all others are forgotten save in writings or the memories of the longest lived elves: 1) The Crafter - Good God of Creation, Crafting, and Order.
2) The Lady of Life - Neutral Goddess of Life, Luck, and Invention.
3) The Devourer - Evil God of Destruction, Chaos, and Madness.
Dwarf #1: "We had another cave-in today, sir."
Dwarf #2: "Damn. It's a shame nobody has the ability to look at the ceiling of the tunnels to check the quality of them."
Dwarf #1: "Especially when we're digging them. It's amazing our race has even survived this long."
--------------
Annoying Player: "Can I roll for dick size?"
Me as GM: "Sure. Roll a 1d3."
Annoying Player: "... That better not be for inches."
Me as GM: "What, no! I use centimeters... for when fully erect."
-------------
Crispy: "... soggy biscuit... I'm going to have to Google it."
Me: "Don't... Just don't. I don't even have a frickin' clue what it is, but I know enough not to."
Lucky for you, I'm not nearly that smart to not Google fucked up shit. So, to all who want to know what it is: Google it yourselves like I did lol. It's definitely disgusting, I'll admit, but having seen some things on the internet, it wasn't that phasing for me. For anyone not QUITE curious enough to look for themselves: Frat houses (and some boarding schools) have traditions where they'll make the new guy participate in something disgusting or painful in order to "show they can hang with the rest". Disgusting like drinking toilet water or licking someone's sweat...or painful/unhealthy like slamming your hand in the frat house door or standing out naked in the cold during winter. Soggy Biscuit is one of the disgusting "challenges".
@@fragniz oh god, what is WRONG with people.
well I google it I truly find it amazing the lengths "straight" men will go to find a excuse to be gay.
It's in moments like story 1 that I would wonder, "do you really hate dwarves that much or are you specifically screwing with me??"
If I had to guess he just wanted generic class/race combinations and would punish anything that isn't a fantasy stereotype.
They entire group was specifically screwing with him, and would have found something else to bully him with, even if he had gone for the typical dwarven fighter. It was a set-up from the beginning.
@@ArcCaravan by
For my campaign’s first session, I introduced the setting to my players with a 5-minute shadow puppet show of the creation myth. I put a lot of time into writing and memorizing the script I wrote and making the puppets. I told the story over some atmospheric backing music and used my Galaxy Lamp and a white sheet to make the shadows.
When it was done, we jumped right into the session, as I told the players that their characters were all members of the audience attending this shadow play that had just finished.
Everyone agreed that it was a fun and unique performative introduction to the world of the campaign. Then the props in the in-universe play started to come to life and wreak havoc, so we rolled initiative and that’s how the party got to know one another!
That is incredibly unique. Way to go!
I'm stealing this
That sounds like an incredible alternative to our favorite cliché and a ton of fun.
@@daniamataka5377 Have at it - the best artists steal
@@hiro4344 thank you!
Ok so, that last story was crazy, I think OP should have just ended the campaign by the first session after what happened. The fact he is still friends with these guys is just crazy to me. I went and read the comments on the original post, someone tried to suggest to maybe play with irl friends if he knows anyone who wants to play, and OP responded with "Those are my irl friends". Like dude, no they are not, these guys made fun of you more than once in that story, and not in the friendly way either (I say this as in my friend group we make fun of each other all the time, but we never mean what we say) they would say that shit if you did anything they didn't like. Best thing I can say is cut all contact with these people if you can, find a new friend group, even if its people you end up playing DnD with online. You don't need toxic people like that in your life, it's not good for you mental health, trust me, I had friends like that before, and I started to do a lot better after I cut them out of my life. This is not me saying this was OP's fault, sorry if it sounds like that, this is me just saying they need to find better friends.
These guys are most definitely not his friends and at best are sociopaths and at wort borderline psychopaths. They really need to be in therapy. And yes that is my professional opinion.
Op was taught to accept it. He won't admit it but he accept the fact he basically doesn't let it bother him much.
In the last paragraph that wasn't read out loud, the OP clarifies that they're on the spectrum. I imagine that has something to do with their social lacking and unwillingness to let their "friends" go.
Hi! Author of story 2, I will say this is the first red flag I saw from my friends. There have been a lot of times where they've actively done minor things that have really built up. My decision to leave this group is mostly me building up my self-confidence. I'm not opposed to individual friendships, but when they get together there is usually someone in the room who has to become the bullying target. The DM himself (while doing questionable things) then became target of ridicule for about 3 months before he AWOL'd for a year.
You were also one of the channels I frequent when I mentioned listening to a lot of D&D stories. I also meant to type "lawful good" paladin instead of "chaotic good". Oops.
Have a wonderful day
Dwarves have used bows in arrows in The Hobbit as well as in The Chronicles of Narnia. I know neither of those have Gimli in them, so they probably don't count, but that doesn't mean a dwarf is clueless if it uses anything other than hammers and axes.
The final story is the perfect example of why you must put your foot down, or risk letting the idiots ruin your experience. No DND is better than bad DND.
ya especially how his friends admit how they will run the brothel. SERIOULSY I DON'T THINK ANY OF US WANT HEAR THEIR GORE FETISH HOLY SHIT!
@@pippo17173 dnd may be a role playing game...buts it's not that kind of role play!
@@nickchavez720 It can be. It can be whatever you want. The issue was only that they weren't all on the same page. If you want to do stuff you gotta get consent and run it by everyone so you are sure your all comfortable with it. Even the most PG games have that requirement.
@@Merilirem except everyone was ok with it except the dm .cuz he was a crybaby
I like the concept of a 'problem table', gives problem players who may not be bad people just confused or bad at social norms a chance at rehabilitation and teaching them good habits rather than just kicking them with no explanation or opportunity for growth.
It's wild that they did that to the Paladin. If that were me, I'd just be like "nah, my guy just leaves. None of that happens." Cuz this is a collaborative effort and i ain't about having my guy die in such a bizarre disrespectful way. Especially if it was a self insert.
In case anyone heard the last story and is looking into the comments wanting to know what "soggy biscuit" is but don't wanna look it up, it's basically a game where a bunch of guys... bust their seed on a biscuit (or any kind of baked good, according to wikipedia), and the one that busts one out last has to eat it (I'm trying to be tame with my wording here so youtube doesn't blast my comment down on sight). I've never heard of it before this and I didn't find any comments that said what it was, so I decided to take one for the team.
I AM SORRY WTF IS THAT GAME
Why can men be so disgusting?
@@kariissmol9172 I'm pretty sure that "soggy biscut" is just a sex joke that nobody actually does in real life, like the cleaveland steamer. (If you don't know what that is, don't ask.)
@@firstnamelastname7244 I'm sure you could find a video somewhere if you looked for it. there is far worse that I know exists.
@@kariissmol9172 you ever hear of 2 girls 1 cup?
@@callmecharlie4250 sadly yes
7:40 ouch, "troll DMs and troll parties that just like to bully the new guy" describes my first experience with dnd and video games with my friends so well. It hurts man.
Just so everyone’s aware, Crispy cuts the last story short, but yes, the OP does learn their lesson and cut ties with the psychos.
Thank you! That puts my mind at ease.
Re: "chaotic good" -I don't know if things are different in PF, but the moment a character attempts to do something hostile, initiative is rolled. Additionally, even if the player and DM had already agreed to write out this character, like, dude... DM, pull the reigns! Remember -what you permit, you promote.
With the intro story, there's setting a scene with background lore and having a whole honest to god lecture. It'd be insane not to expect anyone to either tune out or leave.
Yeah With Story 1, it’s like the opening of a video game with the cutscenes setting up the game’s story and expecting the player to wait patiently but it’s taking the piss to make them wait through a full on lecture about things they have no reason to care about yet and they’re just gonna be on their phones tuning you out until you finally get to what we’re all here, you bloated windbag!
…damn that was a helluva run-on sentence!
19:45 - I half listen to these just for the moments when Crispy "shouts from the background" as if yelling to the mic from out in the hall.
Fun fact: My mic is directional, meaning I just need to turn my head a little to get that effect.
1st story: no one wanted to tell him that they didn't like his character, so instead of advising him they decided to cheat on order to bully him out
I can't believe they actually created a rehab for problem players. That's hilarious.
My horror story is a rogue who steals enemies eyes and refuses to cooperate and listen to the party. He barely does anything in combat too until a few sessions in and ignored his class features.
That house rule on Dwarves hurt my soul because that character sounded legitimately cool and interesting. What a way to throw out a perfectly good concept.
For the dwarf story, the DM could of used Dragon Age as a scapegoat as to why dwarves can't look up. In Dragon Age, Dwarves have this uncanny fear of the sky, thus always indulging themselves down underground. The ones who could handle the above ground were, I think, called surface walkers and they usually took the position as soldiers (or merchants. Had to edit this in) rather than the traditional blacksmithing or mining. In some instances in the game, whenever you talk to a dwarf, you get the interaction of them freaking out that there's no ceiling and that "they're going to end up falling up into the sky". That's the only thing that I could think of about the weird "looking up" thing. Other than that, I'm at a loss.
Dragon Age as far as I am aware only appeared in 09, the author said the story occurred in the late nineties long before Origins would be released. I think the DM was just a dick head who decided it's fun to be a dick head to a new player.
@@Faucetofstone Yeah, that was just straight up bullying and taking advantage of the new guy not knowing the rules inside and out to make up restrictions that didn't exist.
I LOVE the idea of a Problem Player Table. Wow! That was brilliant! It either forces them to fix their behavior or it forces them to leave, or it forces them to stay problematic at the table where the only people they are annoying are other problem players (who can say, "Hey! He's annoying! Wait, is THAT why *I* am here? Ugh!) and experienced volunteers, who can take a break any time they need to, and are not afraid to face down the problem players, and say, "THIS is why you are here. THIS is why other people don't to play with you. If you get booted from THIS table, you'll be banned from the whole store. Understand?"
I LOVE IT!
Jesus Christ, that first one. I think discovering the lore IN-GAME is part of the fun! My DM has a lot of homebrew in an Eberron setting, and every party member has a little bit of that lore in their backstory. We're starting to tie the threads together, and the big picture is juuuuuust starting to come into focus. (All our characters are super suspicious of each other, or we probably would've figure shit out sooner lol). We've run into a prince in disguise, and the 3 characters who were magically experimented on are realizing that it wasn't just ONE dragon-marked house doing the evil--there's a conspiracy afoot, and it goes beyond mortal machinations! It's so cool, and if our DM had just TOLD us all this in a two-hour long lore dump, it wouldn't be nearly as interesting.
Story 2: "myself being chaotic good".....maybe three sentences later "being a lawful paladin i didn't want to partake" but then the rest of the story oof
I think the first bit was a typo?
I played a cleric of Aphrodite and often said that he’d visit brothels bit never thought to have the DM to describe things in detail, just a “he’s off to the local brothel!” (For earthly pleasures true but also to help the “ladies of the night” with care/cures/etc.)… what was in the video was a bit creepy.
17:10
Oh please "The homeless girl is actually a vigilante. When you try to kidnap her she turns into a succubus and eats your soul"
I've tried a few times to write this but yes there are situation where you can forever drop a friend if they do something horrible and don't always force yourself to talk or reason with them cause there are lines to be draw and walking away for your own sake is best.
First dnd doge and now crispy learned about "soggy biscuit". I fear for the rest who will be cursed by looking up what that is. Also, calling it the craziest fantasy is an understatement.
That last story? I'd break my normal no-naming stance and plastered their handles and such (not to the extent of actual doxing) so that it wouldn't just be hard for them to find a game, I'd try to make it impossible for them to find a table outside of their own circle.
I've come to wonder if a lot of people's perceptions of 'chaotic good' is like fans' concept of Grey Jedi. The whole "I can do all this stuff that aligns me with the Dark Side, but I'm not Dark Side because reasons."
I play a chaotic good Elven ranger and the way ive interpreted chaotic good for him is:
He is a good person, but is just oblivious/willing to bend and break rules if he has to. So i have made 3 deals with a hag because he doesnt know that hags are a bad thing, to which i owe her 3 kisses (i.e she will telepathically tell me to kiss somebody in any situation she wants). But also im fine with stealing/killing when it has to be done for good - but im against mindless killing because to me - that puts you more on the evil spectrum than chaotic.
I love chaotic good, that and lawful neutral are my favourite allignments (my lawful neutral character is a human bloodhunter who follows the bloodhunter code, as well as follows her gods principles, but put a were-creature infront of her and its a blind rage)
No when it comes to Chaotic Good I think it is more someone like Han Solo. Yes he is a smuggler, yes he openly flouts the laws and regulations of multiple systems and sectors and galaxy-spanning governments. Yes he does many illegal things, but he is still a hero and a good person.
Literally anyone who's not Jedi or Sith, but still versed in the Force (i.e. most of the lore): the Light Side is about control, the Dark Side is about passion. Neither are inherently good or evil.
Star Wars Fans and apparently actual cannon despite that?: NOOOO! THE DARK SIDE IS PURE EVIL AND CORRUPT AND SHOULDN'T EXIST!
@@emberfist8347 I like this definition
Say the line, Crispy!
"Danger, danger, danger..."
YAAAAAAAAY
27:10 Crispy's soul temporarily leaving him for something so cursed. I feel so sorry for you my man.
Intro story, ah yes the DM Sin of excessive world building.
But seriously two hours?!
I mean 2 hours of world building pre session zero is a good thing... if it stays in your notes and is used to help make decisions and guide further world building events....
2 hours of a lore dump... that DM needed a session editor to cut them back...
@@AnotherDM the excessive world building was a reference to a Seth Skorkowsky video where he describes exactly where you're talking about with lore dumps.
Weirdly I think people are increasingly impatient. They do not want to even read a few paragraphs anymore, and of course if you don't do that, they ask all kinds of questions you could have answered instantly.
While not always the case, back when I did live gaming more frequently it was not uncommon to simply have the first session be group discussion and character building. The GM would explain all his world material there, and everyone would build their characters for the GM to review and help put in context. Many times with a new group it would not be until the second session that we would start. As a result, 2 hours of world explanation does not too bad, as sometimes you could spend two or three times that making characters depending on the system and circumstances. I've actually found games that start like this tend to do better and last longer, than other situation, if nothing else there are less serious misunderstandings and you know the party is at least going to have some cohesion. With such groups they tend to actually have their worst problems as people leave, and replacements are brought in more gradually. You also have difficulty with an almost stereotypical wife or friend of the GM, who either can't attend character generation, or just putters around, having already created their character. Almost inevitably that means they are going to have party wrecking secrets and/or gimmicks, or at least a high degree of favortism. I can get behind heroes with secrets and things the rest of the party does not know, but when it happens like this, you know there is going to be some crazy angle, and at least half the time it pretty much deep sixes the group.
I've done worse...not in game though
I literally called out "Crispy, no!!" when you went to google that. Another piece of innocence ruined.
Also I love world building and talking about my worlds as much as the next guy but I would not subject my friends to a two hours lecture about it. It is way more fun to have them explore and discover it by themselves!
I don't even remember what I was going to say about any of the stories before the last one. The ONE TIME I dealt with players like that myself, I just paused the game and told them to just tell me if they didn't want to play. Then I explained that I put a lot of work into this campaign, and they're just pissing all over it, and if they don't want to play WITH me, I'll just go. They did not take it seriously, so I just grabbed my stuff and left. Never talked to them again. No idea what they said about me afterward, and I don't care either.
I can't speak for two hours straight either. Not comfortably anyway. I used to have a job at a call center that required me to do exactly that-- constant talking for two hour stretches. I ended up straining my vocal cords to the point that any sort of talking really hurt. The moral of the story is, don't work at call centers.
The last story: “because goblin is welsh lol”
*angry welsh nosies cut in with sheep baaing as censor beeps*
Dwarves Can’t Look Up: Wonder how that DM reacted to Paizo making Pathfinder’s Iconic Ranger a crossbow-wielding dwarf. Who drinks tea and enjoys the outdoors.
7:30 Sounds like they were hazing the guy.
Hazing or trolling, either way it's a practice that needs to die.
The sheer terror in your voice in the intro story ascended me
"I just trust my players aren't going to cheat on them"
As someone who's played with the same exact group for a year and regularly plays one shots with total strangers online, I can say for certain that you absolutely must check your player's sheets. The most prevalent issues I see are inexperienced players allocating stats incorrectly, players not giving themselves the right equipment, players giving themselves magic items or other items that their class doesn't default start with, cheesing the HP modifiers, adding extra feats, among many other things I've seen incorrect on my player sheets in the past.
And a lot of the above I've seen from very experienced players. I don't know if it's people just not understanding the character creation process or if it's people trying to subtly get away with some extra boosts hoping the DM won't actually check the sheet.
Here to report two months later that this is still a consistent issue. I've had to approach the same player for the fourth time about adding stuff
I straight-up told him this breaks my trust when he does this and I'm at a point where I don't even want the host DND anymore for my normal group. I'm just going to stick with randoms online because apparently I can trust them better
That last story: what is wrong with those players? That is seriously messed up stuff (I apologize if there was any problems in the last comment I made, as I wasn't trying to make it sound as bad as it may have come across)
20:05 this is a lesson in boundaries. when u say no, it means no. dont cave to pressure if u can recognzie that you have a valid point.
25:00 yeah this is what no boundaries looks like. theyre totally disrepecting her, and she STILL wants to "make the game good for them"
BEWARE OF YOUR OWN PEOPLE PLEASING TENDENCIES!!
That dwarven ranger thing reminds me of my experiences with pathfinder. It was like everyone needs to be min maxed and it doesn't matter what other party members have so you all need x skill, etc. we had a almost TPK (2 of 7 walked away, barely) because apparently "all pathfinders should be able to fly by level 5, everyone should know that". This was most of our first experiences with pathfinder. we quit and have not gone back to pathfinder.
That last story makes me think that they watched "Healer's Redo" and said "Yeah, that's good". Good lord.
In spite of your attemt to warn us off with your extreme reaction, I too gave in to morbid curiosity. I miss when I'd never heard the term "soggy biscuit."
These stories makes me so thankfull for my group, it can be on the non-serious note at times, but only as long as everyone is enjoying it.
24:07 that twist is so sharp, screw having whiplash im pretty sure I snapped my neck on it. I know dnd is supposed to be an outlet of certain fantasies but what in the H E double hockey sticks were those players thinking it was suitable to bring that up.
That crossed so many lines, it could’ve been a cross word puzzle of “FUCK NO”
A Dwarf Ranger with Archery Style... Isn't that the Iconic Ranger from Pathfinder?
DM: Knows the Paladin is leaving the group, so he allows the Sorcerer to cast a PvP spell.
Group gangs up on Paladin, insults him, execute him, and then loots the body.
DM: You have each shifted to evil alignments.
Group: "Wait! What? Oh, come on! You KNOW that alignments don't MEAN anything."
DM: Clearly, they don't mean anything TO YOU, since you all declared yourselves to be good, except the bard, who declared himself to be neutral. Then, you went graverobbing and flat-out MURDERED the two innocent people who spoke against it, including your PARTNER, who simply wanted LEAVE. He wasn't even asking for a share of the loot, and he wasn't going to report you to the town guard for grave robbing. He simply wanted to LEAVE, and you MURDERED HIM. That is EVIL. You can SAY you're good or neutral, all you want, but your characters ARE evil, and will be treated as such.
Next session:
DM: There is a bounty on your heads, as you were witnessed attacking the gravedigger, robbing the graves, and murdering the Paladin.
Group: "Hey! You can't do that!"
DM: "Yes, I can. You committed murder, as well as other heinous crimes, and were seen, so there is a bounty on your head."
Group: What about innocent until proven guilty? We haven't had a trial!
DM: "That is why you are wanted alive, rather than dead. The bounty is for bringing you to justice, so that you can face a proper trial."
Group: "Oh, well, I guess that's OK. I mean, we have all this loot, so we can afford the best lawyer in town. We'll win."
DM: One of the bands of adventurers in the adventurer's guild contains two paladins, a cleric of lawful good, and some POTENT spell-casters. They are also several levels above you. With "Detect Evil" active, they are easily able to find you. Roll initiative.
Group is then soundly beaten, and taken in to the judge to face trial. BUT, they have the opportunity to trade their loot for the best lawyer in town. However, the second-best lawyer in town has access to clerics, and calls them forth, with the judge's permission, to call forth the witnesses for the prosecution. First, they bring forth the witness, who saw it all, and knows where the bodies are buried. Then, they bring forth the people who dug up the bodies, and examined them, discovering forensic evidence on how they died, and that they definitely were NOT the proper bodies for the graves in which they were found. Also, that they were fresh, and time of death matches the crime.
THEN: "Bring forth the body of the grave digger! Now, then, the cleric will cast Speak with Dead, and I will ask him my questions. We can cast the spell as many times as necessary for both my examination and cross examination from the defense." After that, "Bring forth the body of the paladin. The court clerics will cast Speak with Dead as many times as necessary for my examination and the defense's cross examination."
Let's see the newly-evil adventurers get out of that one, even WITH the best lawyer in town. Also, the gallery is filled with ALL the NPCs in town, who want to see the trial. Even if they lawyer gets them off on a technicality, EVERY SINGLE NPC IN TOWN AVOIDS THEM, FROM THEN ON. Because they are evil and dangerous and everyone knows they are MURDERERS.
That's when the DM says, "So, although we all agreed that this would be a heroic adventure, with you all (except the bard, who was neutral) playing good characters. But clearly, you prefer to be murderhobos. Do you want me to re-write the ENTIRE CAMPAIGN to be an evil campaign? Do you want to work together to take over the world, and rule as tyrants?
Group: YEAH! Do that for us!
DM: What's in it for me?
Group: Huh? You get to DM a fun game, of course.
DM: What's in it for me to CREATE AN ENTIRELY NEW CAMPAIGN FOR YOU, FROM SCRATCH? With an end goal of TAKING OVER MY ENTIRE WORLD? What do *I*, the person who has to do all that work, get out of it?
Group: Well, you know, we'll play with you. You get to spend fun times with your friends.
DM: I could do that for free. So, what's in it FOR ME, to do all that work for you? All when I have a perfectly GOOD campaign ALREADY PREPARED?
Group: Well, you know, just use that campaign, and re-skin it for us to be evil.
DM: That is STILL a huge amount of work. Again, WHAT IS IN IT FOR ME?
Group: Well...
DM: How about you all leave my table, and take some time to think about your actions. You HURT ME and you HURT OP, with your actions in this game. You will NOT be welcome back to my table, until you agree to play nicely with BOTH of us. No more of these shenanigans. I do not WANT to run an evil campaign. At least not until I have FINISHED the GOOD campaign I ALREADY CREATED FOR YOU. I am NOT going to throw all that work away, just because you guys don't know the difference between good and MURDER. If you refuse to play nicely, I'll just get NEW friends to play with me, using the same campaign that I ALREADY created. I will not do one more lick of work for any of YOU, except OP, because HE ACTUALLY TRIED. He even created a new character JUST to play with you MURDERHOBOS, because he is COOPERATIVE, even after you insulted him, and murdered him when he was simply trying to LEAVE and avoid intra-party conflict. So, he's welcome to play with me, any time. The rest of you are NOT. Not until you 1) apologize to BOTH of us, and 2) you make ALL NEW ACTUALLY GOOD CHARACTERS who WILL PLAY A HEROIC CAMPAIGN. If you won't do that, then I won't waste my time playing with you. At all. Not D&D, and not hanging out at the bar, not playing board games, and not hanging out at your house, helping you fix your broken down cars. NOTHING. Because YOU ARE RUDE PEOPLE WHO ENJOY HURTING PEOPLE YOU *CALL* YOUR FRIENDS, AND I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO ABUSE ME LIKE THAT ANY MORE. I already bent over backwards for you with this trial thing, that was A WHOLE MESS OF EXTRA WORK. And did you THANK me? No, you did not. You complained and told me I can't DO that to you. That I cannot give you the NATURAL CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS. Well, enough of that, and enough of you. Take your character sheets and leave.
Group: HEY! You didn't WARN us that we weren't allowed to be evil!
DM: Yes, I did. I TOLD you this was a heroic adventure, for good-aligned characters, or at least neutral. Don't lie to me. Either apologize and make things right, or GO AWAY. There is no "Door Number Three." OP, since they're leaving, what do you say to a one-on-one game with your Paladin? He's been raised from the dead, along with the gravedigger, so that he can witness the executions, and all of THEIR loot will be divided amongst their victims. You are then free to either join another adventuring party, or go solo. Between sessions, I already went to the trouble of creating a short solo adventure just for the Paladin. Or perhaps you'd like to play both the Paladin and the Witch? She was found not-guilty, after all, since she didn't join them until after the crimes were committed, and it was just an assignment, anyway, so she didn't seek out evildoers to join. She's free and clear.
OP: Oooh! Paladin and Witch! That sounds fun!
DM: Yes, and it's an interesting combination, as well. Paladin covers the fighting/meat-sheild/healer aspect, and the Witch covers most spell-casting. Brain and Brawn, as it were. And what are you guys still doing here? I TOLD you to GO AWAY! You will not even be ALLOWED to apologize until after you've had some time to think about it. Call me in two weeks, if you SINCERELY want to apologize and do right.
Group: HEY! You can't treat us that way!
DM: Yes, I can. And now it's three weeks. Goodbye. You have 30 seconds before I call the cops and report you for trespassing.
Group: HEYYYYY! You can't DO THAT!
DM: Twenty seconds. :picks up phone and starts dialing, ready to press call:
Group: NOOOOOOOOOO!
DM: Ten seconds. The door is that way. :poises finger over call.:
Group: You are NOT allowed to boot us from the game! Who do you think you are?
DM: And, CALL! Hello, I have some trespassers in my house who have been just AWFUL to me and my friend, and they refuse to leave. Please send assistance. Their names are... Yes, I do want to press charges. I gave them warning to leave, and they refused, so even if they are gone by the time the cops get here, I still want to press charges of trespassing against them, and put it on their record. Can I do that?
If they're still here by that time, then block the exit, so that they can't get away before the cops get there, so that they CAN press charges.
Seriously, those guys were awful, and deserve to be booted from the game and from both OP's and DM's life. I know what you said, to keep the game and real life separate, but the game affects real life. They got away with bullying both the DM and the OP, and they WILL take advantage of that, and bully them some more, if they don't see some REAL consequences, not just in-game consequences.
To be fair to the poor abused Dwarf Archer who can't look up, "the rules were restrictive and stupid and the players were argumentative and unwelcoming" is a pretty good description of D&D sometimes.
Far too often, really. Describes a good chunk of my history with the game.
Those guys in the last story are actual criminals. They've got to be. I'm extremely confident that all of them have warrants out on them. At least one of them is wearing an ankle monitor right now. Christ.
Not every problem player with twisted fantasies is a criminal that can suffer legal punishment.
@@ArcCaravan though I exaggerate for emphasis, you are correct. Having f*cked up fantasies is not a crime unto itself.
I think the "problem player table" idea is intriguing. I could see that being helpful
Yes, our much needed dose of Crispy
I have a friend who’s a DM and we both share the mentality of “sometimes, arson is the answer”.
Never played a game with her but sometimes I do fluff up her campaigns because she knows I’m a writer and it’s a fun escape for me sometimes.
But anyway, long story short, homegirl likes candles and requires all players to do paper sheets for their characters. So if she has completely unruly players like the last story, those player sheets get burned and the players have to start from scratch.
Some of them have left and I’ll hear about it later when they think I’m gonna console them. And my only response has been “Okay. But what did you do to make her permakill your character like that?”
It’s hilarious. 10/10 recommend. 🔥🔥🔥
Stuff like story 1 is why I only ever play with friends.
You never know when you'll get these kinds of tables playing with randos.
There are times where even friends can turn out to be as horrible as strangers. Such is the case of problem players.
@@ArcCaravan I mean, my friends are cool, which is why I play with them. . .
@@robkrol2137 I'm just acknowledging plenty if tabletop horror stories where the problem players were originally trusted friends.
The insanity of insisting Dwarves require a feat to look up is hilariously absurd
Best cold open in Crispy history
Varric disgarees and says Dwarves can make fine archers.
One of our favorite games involved a whole chapter of us running a brothel and dealing with the problems involved in the sex trade. The difference is we tried to be intelligent and acted like normal humans and we dealt with the consequences of our actions.
The idea of a problem player timeout table is just- hilarious
I love the idea of the Nice Guy(TM) Rehab Table! Those who really just need to learn the etiquette/need time to mature can get the support they need to function well with a real group, and those who are irredeemable get ousted.
I love the Destiny reference, “Eyes up Guardian”
BTW, pathfinder 2e's Iconic character (basicly representative for the class) for Ranger is, in fact, a dwarf. I found it amusing :>
I love that both Crispy and DnD Doge covered the soggy biscuit story and have the *exact same* meltdown when they googled it
Story 1: its the DM being an asshole. Nothing like that has existed to the best of my knowledge.
Yeah it was very clearly hazing, like I've only played 4th and 5th edition but I can't think of any reason why a ttrpg would include a "the ability to look up" feat
Jeez these horror stories make me appreciate my groups so much.
There never has or never will be a thing in dnd where dwarves can't look up
When I started my Exandria campaign, I wrote out a lore document to read to my players who weren't familiar with Critical Role lore, but then remembered that CR already made a lore video going over everything I needed to cover. So I just made my players watch that before we started playing. Perks of playing in a published setting!
This is why every game that includes potential powerful and out of control adventurers needs a solution to take care of them. Think MaxTac (aka the Cyberpsycho Squad) from Cyberpunk 2020&2077. (just watch the first 3 minutes of Cyberpunk Edgerunners if you don't know what I am talking about.) Honestly, when you think about it, pretty much every kingdom in any D&D setting would have countermeasures in place to deal with crazy mages that go off and shoot fireballs in the middle of a crowded city street, or a berserk barbarian mowing down everyone in sight.
When things get that carried away, there is nothing wrong with doing to players what they do to NPCs.
Looked like the DM tried that but got browbeaten into failing.
Story three-I sort of love the idea of having a Problem Player table.
Story number four, the dm really needed to have a talk after the first session. The dm can have full control to completely stop something. However, if they aren't understanding this they can still talk to the group and tell them that these behaviors are acceptable. That person is asking for the problems they wrote about especially after trying another season with them
Could you imagine the problem player table being filled with the most despicable players from rpghorrorstories?
There wouldn’t even be a session 0, not even a session -1.
From the sounds of things the problem player table is their last chance before perma-ban.
The intro of the final story sent me. “I used to be new to DnD.” Like yeah bud, we all were at one point lol
Story 1
A DM and party set OP to fail. What a terrible party.
Please folks, don’t feel trapped if you want to leave. Either call parents and say it is an emergency, get a taxi or tell that ride you need to go home now.
19:38 - Crispy: "I just have to search it up, now." Me: "Oh, fuck! Poor Crispy!"
world building is awesome... being proud of it is a given, some of us have a real hard time NOT info dumping. especaily if we are hyperfocusing on it. best thing you can do is politely tell us that you aren't in the headspace to listen. it might take a few tries with some, but a lot of people will be like "ooh I'm sorry I got carried away... I'll try to stop."
some folk might be cringy but we just get excited and don't realize we over shared. you'll see it more with the ADHD and BPD and I think ASD. we don't mean to be a bother.
"It's true, Dwarves can't look up. Big Al says so."
22:29 i love that star craft reference
Love the new art at the end screen!
Story 1 is just DM forces audience participation in his homebrew version of the Silmarillion.
I would love to hear the stories coming out of the problem player table and how successful/unsuccessful it was!
Intro is why I have a lore doc with a general overview of history and then all in game lore is only plot essential stuff. If people want to know things to tie them into backstories or they’re just interested I tell them out of session. That guy was just doing an audiobook instead of a dnd session.
I think if i wound up inthe position of the DM in the last story, i would literally rock falls and everyone dies.
Love the end art, don't think I've seen that yet. ^.^
"I was such a pushover, Im surprised they had not demanded my wallet yet" LMAO
the story that is described around 22:20..."is the guards weaker than zerglings" timing couldnt be better, while listening to this i am in fact playing starcraft 1 campaigns xD
Okay but I would love to have that first DM because I always feel uncomfortable entering a new world when I don't know every single inch of context
43 years of DnD, never heard of you can't look up because you are a dwarf.
Me: *Knows what soggy biscuit is*
Crispy: "I mean I have to search it up now"
Me: Don't do it Crispy!!!!
Anyone can look up. Even in AD&D, and 2e where THACO is a thing. Now u did need proficiency in said weapon when u make ur character.
Ex: u make a character that's good with a longsword, u encounter a flying creature attacking the party. To save them u pick up a bow. Ur not proficient with bows so u take negatives when using it. Roll with disadvantage, take a minus to hit, or u can't use them. (Can't remember what the exact rule is in 2e.)
"Don't look it up, well I have to look it up now"
NO CRISPY! SAVE YOUR CINNAMON BUN ACE EYES! NOOOOOO
I'm so lucky that my first D&D experience growing up was welcoming and inventive and very flexible and inviting. They were good friends of mine. I get so sad when i hear horror stories about TTRPGs and awful tables with authoritarian, antisocial DMs.
As a D&D player since 1st edition, there is no such rule for dwarves. The DM was being a grade A a-hole.
I'm terrified of how close the opening story related to a session I just want through
Intro story: If you want to write a novel, write a novel. Don't run DnD.
Honestly if you're gonna write a novel, you're not supposed to lore dump like that. I have spent a lot of time making my lore, but if I dumped it all in the intro, no one would want to read it
OP: Don’t look it up.
Me: Pfft. You can’t tell me what to do!
(Looks it up)
… That poor cookie.