Over christmas my partners mum kept threatening me to look after my partner, he's just had an operation and had what is essentially a pacemaker for his bladder (a Neuro-Stimulator at the bottom of his spine) and is recovering from the operation. On boxing day I eventually just sat outside until they went home because she just kept threatening me. I really want to send her a message saying "when somebody threatens you to do something, does it make you want to do it?". It kept creating conflicts in my brain, her threatening me to help made me not want to help, but naturally I want to help my partner. I dont really understand what the point of her threatening me is, I do my best to help and assist him. I'm far from perfect and often misunderstood when I zone out and miss that somebody is talking to me or I miss a social queue that I should be helping.
She likely just felt like she would be a bad mother if she didn’t fuss over “her baby”; also, may not trust you to be helpful because she’s judged you and found you wanting (common autistic experience). Please just ignore her weird harping and love your partner as per usual! ❤ Edit: typo
Thank you for this Thomas. I'm not autistic but, found this extremely interesting and helpful for me. I think your amazing so please keep doing what you doing if, it fulfills you❤
My heart. ❤️🩹 Your thoughts, and your calm delivery of said thoughts, matter much to me. I feel more myself with each viewing of your videos. Thank you truly, Thomas. 🖐
This video is very helpful for me in fact I've listened to it 4 times today will be repeating again and again. Ideal length for me too. Learned a lot. Thank you Thomas❤
I appreciate the focus on internalized ableism and the personal strategies shared here. there’s so much value in changing our self-perception and finding community. That said, I felt like the ‘without politics’ approach left the conversation feeling a little incomplete. Ableism doesn’t exist in isolation from broader systems and structures. Addressing it often means acknowledging the political and societal factors that reinforce it. While personal growth is important, it can feel limiting when the larger forces contributing to ableism aren’t part of the discussion. Thanks for the content as always, love the channel.
At the same time, it’s much easier to change our own thinking and especially behavior than to change that of millions of strangers, which is what is necessary to move the political needle, even just a bit. Not saying it isn’t worth putting some kind of effort into that, too; just saying that, ultimately, our OWN lives will automatically be our primary concern. 🤔
I am autistic, and a year or two ago, I wouldn't have even known what the word 'ableism' meant. I feel that the word can be used by people who are more or less able than I am, so I personally avoid using it.
It was used against me a great deal as a slur during the early stages of my journey into autistic self-discovery, so even though I understand it is a real issue, I do not use the term. It’s too easily used to facilitate bullying of autistics by autistics! 😕
When I think of what defines Autism I always think of the scene from Matilda where she makes the TV blow up because her dad is forcing her to "be a part of the family". While the label it's self is socially constructed, the reasons behind the label is to protect people who are different being forced into conformity by the people around that person, forcing yourself to put on an act to fit others expectations of your behaviour and social interactions is essentially masking. I think there's a deeper meaning to the word "Autism" as the greek origin of that word means "Self".
Autism meant 'unable to connect with humans' and/or refusal to exit one's inner experience as an aspect of profound psychosis. I got labeled with the denotation of the 1980s in the 1950's; it just wasn't in the sacred DSM so, even today autistics exclude and attack us as nonthem. Only the hyperlexic vocals count now. 😢
@@micheals1992 exclusion from all autism groups communities etc. For dx too early in life and too early in history narrative. Fabrication of different history and so on. Autism really has become an identity game of belonging only if a new set of clone-like characteristics fit. Lately, got told i have to say i am asperger and relate whatever undisclosed checklist or be banned. A decade ago, it was you can't fit female autism so you must say you are trans(gaymalegranny) and other games. In the 80s to mid90s autistics were supportive of the few who were openly honest about neurology. I can't mask for allistics but i seems more rational than trying to accommodate every hue of autistic demanding for simply being myself, autistic. 🧐 our spikey profiles were once a feature of neurology.
Thank you very much for your encouragement and comforting words. I feel that shame almost everyday now since I have been in an autistic burnout for over two years now and somehow I have the feeling the regression hasn't hit rock bottom yet and I'm still 'falling'. When or will it ever start getting better again... Due to the exhaustion and overwhelm I am almost completly isolated and most just move on because they just don't understand. Once friends are living their lives and my life feels like someone with ADHD hit the 'pause' button and got up and left and totally forgot to unpause - and I have no control - stuck in 'freeze'. So videos like yours really are soothing to my soul. Thank you for understanding and helping where you can. Oh, and I mean no disrespect to fellow ADHDers 💝 I'm an AuDHDer myself - so I've been there and done that...
wow. this hit more then i was expecting. thank you Thomas for such a great and relatable video as always. definitely has left me with lots to think about.
I was just trying to work out why my brain categorized walking on my tip toes as a never-do-that-again thing as a kid. Because I was never berated or bullied for it. My dad just asked with curiosity if I /could/ walk with my heels on the ground, because walking on your toes was apparently an autistic thing, and just that little bit of feedback told my brain, “look, you’re doing it wrong. Don’t do it that way.” So I stopped, because I’d learned toe walking wasn’t “normal.” And another bit of my mask was built. And at 5 years old, I already had internalized the ableist belief that there is one normal way to do things, and everyone who can’t just must not be able to help it, how sad and unfortunate; and if you can help it, you obviously should. 😔
@stephenie44 My mother has talipes and a clubfoot, so I remember being reminded to walk on my feet properly constantly, not telling me to act normal, just a parent worrying her child would develop physical trouble later in life. Tiptoe walking can indicate internal foot deformities or disease, can cause shortened tendons, as well as indicate ASD.
At the moment no… Still, I believe (!) these three societal trends coexist; One, increased empirical knowledge on understanding trauma, especially preclinical complex trauma as being highly prevalent - as in actually “normal”. Two, generally decreased “systemic welfare agency” from policies and changes to ideals of what a “social contract” should entail - i.e. since 1995-2005. It’s harder to practically “act” on available knowledge. Three, a decay in general public trust, increasing individualism and tougher enforcement of imperatives in education, careers or work - e.g. sick leaves increasing, receiving more flak than just a decade ago. - If the above holds, I would posit (!) trauma-related suffering prevalence to increase consequently. Neurodivergence is already a factor of incidence, known since studies mid 1990s. What am I trying to say… We “know” more, can “act” less, and (western) societies change rapidly. More people get ill, ratio higher for NDs. (Little research to go on, at least well cited - and is increasingly paywalled. I’ll keep digging…)
Thomas is it important that life coaches and or councilors are experienced working with people with autism if so, they are probably not that easy to find?
@@DiscordBeingFor sure. Nearly 2/3 of adults have at least one ACE, and it’s somehow special for a therapist to be “trauma-informed”? Forget having any idea what being autistic means for mental development and health! 😑
@@misspat7555 anyone drives away anyone, you can be interested on politics, like them or dislike them, that is not relevant at all. For exemple, I don't like the rage and the conflict it involves, and yet it still political, it has anything to do with you, me or someone else as an individual. It is political by default. You can choose to see it or not. By the way, political doesn't mean that it must be treated by the government or anything like that, political means it involves a relation of power. A relation of power where we aren't well placed because we are a minority and our needs aren't respected. Those needs can turn into rights if we fight for them as we should and those rights might turn society into something less demeaning, less threatening and contribute to us having a better quality of life, having a greater life expectancy and even suffering less. Society is there for us to change it if it oppress us. IT IS POLITICAL. We autistic people are a minority, we have the right to express ourselves, have demands and ask for rights and if you choose not to fight for them it's ok, but don't expect anyone to give you rights as a present. The won't fall from the sky just because you want them. IT IS POLITICAL, IT ALWAYS IS.
@@misspat7555a lot of denotations and connotations would have to be clarified for any discussion and i think that the political warfare is useless....... but acknowledging politics is fundamentally ableism is a factoid. Applied to all flavors of variation from clonality at some or more time periods, it only excludes elites of power affluence bloodline etc, even if in the focus exclusions at any time.
Over christmas my partners mum kept threatening me to look after my partner, he's just had an operation and had what is essentially a pacemaker for his bladder (a Neuro-Stimulator at the bottom of his spine) and is recovering from the operation. On boxing day I eventually just sat outside until they went home because she just kept threatening me. I really want to send her a message saying "when somebody threatens you to do something, does it make you want to do it?".
It kept creating conflicts in my brain, her threatening me to help made me not want to help, but naturally I want to help my partner. I dont really understand what the point of her threatening me is, I do my best to help and assist him. I'm far from perfect and often misunderstood when I zone out and miss that somebody is talking to me or I miss a social queue that I should be helping.
She likely just felt like she would be a bad mother if she didn’t fuss over “her baby”; also, may not trust you to be helpful because she’s judged you and found you wanting (common autistic experience). Please just ignore her weird harping and love your partner as per usual! ❤
Edit: typo
Thank you for this Thomas. I'm not autistic but, found this extremely interesting and helpful for me. I think your amazing so please keep doing what you doing if, it fulfills you❤
My heart. ❤️🩹 Your thoughts, and your calm delivery of said thoughts, matter much to me. I feel more myself with each viewing of your videos. Thank you truly, Thomas. 🖐
This video is very helpful for me in fact I've listened to it 4 times today will be repeating again and again. Ideal length for me too. Learned a lot. Thank you Thomas❤
I appreciate the focus on internalized ableism and the personal strategies shared here. there’s so much value in changing our self-perception and finding community.
That said, I felt like the ‘without politics’ approach left the conversation feeling a little incomplete. Ableism doesn’t exist in isolation from broader systems and structures. Addressing it often means acknowledging the political and societal factors that reinforce it. While personal growth is important, it can feel limiting when the larger forces contributing to ableism aren’t part of the discussion.
Thanks for the content as always, love the channel.
At the same time, it’s much easier to change our own thinking and especially behavior than to change that of millions of strangers, which is what is necessary to move the political needle, even just a bit. Not saying it isn’t worth putting some kind of effort into that, too; just saying that, ultimately, our OWN lives will automatically be our primary concern. 🤔
@ fair enough! Focusing on what you can control is always a good idea.
This one really hits home.
This video is very good and explains a lot of my own experiences.
I am autistic, and a year or two ago, I wouldn't have even known what the word 'ableism' meant. I feel that the word can be used by people who are more or less able than I am, so I personally avoid using it.
It was used against me a great deal as a slur during the early stages of my journey into autistic self-discovery, so even though I understand it is a real issue, I do not use the term. It’s too easily used to facilitate bullying of autistics by autistics! 😕
When I think of what defines Autism I always think of the scene from Matilda where she makes the TV blow up because her dad is forcing her to "be a part of the family". While the label it's self is socially constructed, the reasons behind the label is to protect people who are different being forced into conformity by the people around that person, forcing yourself to put on an act to fit others expectations of your behaviour and social interactions is essentially masking.
I think there's a deeper meaning to the word "Autism" as the greek origin of that word means "Self".
I always imagine the demolition man shouting "these people just want to be themselves!" 😅
Autism meant 'unable to connect with humans' and/or refusal to exit one's inner experience as an aspect of profound psychosis. I got labeled with the denotation of the 1980s in the 1950's; it just wasn't in the sacred DSM so, even today autistics exclude and attack us as nonthem. Only the hyperlexic vocals count now. 😢
@@eScential what do you mean autistics exclude and attack you as nonthem?
@@micheals1992 exclusion from all autism groups communities etc. For dx too early in life and too early in history narrative. Fabrication of different history and so on. Autism really has become an identity game of belonging only if a new set of clone-like characteristics fit.
Lately, got told i have to say i am asperger and relate whatever undisclosed checklist or be banned. A decade ago, it was you can't fit female autism so you must say you are trans(gaymalegranny) and other games. In the 80s to mid90s autistics were supportive of the few who were openly honest about neurology. I can't mask for allistics but i seems more rational than trying to accommodate every hue of autistic demanding for simply being myself, autistic. 🧐 our spikey profiles were once a feature of neurology.
Thank you very much for your encouragement and comforting words. I feel that shame almost everyday now since I have been in an autistic burnout for over two years now and somehow I have the feeling the regression hasn't hit rock bottom yet and I'm still 'falling'. When or will it ever start getting better again... Due to the exhaustion and overwhelm I am almost completly isolated and most just move on because they just don't understand. Once friends are living their lives and my life feels like someone with ADHD hit the 'pause' button and got up and left and totally forgot to unpause - and I have no control - stuck in 'freeze'.
So videos like yours really are soothing to my soul. Thank you for understanding and helping where you can.
Oh, and I mean no disrespect to fellow ADHDers 💝 I'm an AuDHDer myself - so I've been there and done that...
No disrespect taken! Fellow AuDHDer who just managed to wash my phone in the washing machine yesterday here! 🙋♀️
Great video 👍🏼
Thomas Henley, posting important things on Christmas. Love it. This is really good and definitely hits home.
Thomas, you have brought positivity and inspiration to me this afternoon!
Thank you Thomas, keep up the great work !!!
wow. this hit more then i was expecting. thank you Thomas for such a great and relatable video as always. definitely has left me with lots to think about.
I was just trying to work out why my brain categorized walking on my tip toes as a never-do-that-again thing as a kid. Because I was never berated or bullied for it. My dad just asked with curiosity if I /could/ walk with my heels on the ground, because walking on your toes was apparently an autistic thing, and just that little bit of feedback told my brain, “look, you’re doing it wrong. Don’t do it that way.” So I stopped, because I’d learned toe walking wasn’t “normal.” And another bit of my mask was built. And at 5 years old, I already had internalized the ableist belief that there is one normal way to do things, and everyone who can’t just must not be able to help it, how sad and unfortunate; and if you can help it, you obviously should. 😔
@stephenie44 My mother has talipes and a clubfoot, so I remember being reminded to walk on my feet properly constantly, not telling me to act normal, just a parent worrying her child would develop physical trouble later in life.
Tiptoe walking can indicate internal foot deformities or disease, can cause shortened tendons, as well as indicate ASD.
This resonated greatly thank you so much :)!
Thanks. Needed this today.
Amazing video, thank you!
💚
lots to chew on. worth saying, and well said. thank you.
Rates of ptsd, cptsd among us? Anybody got credible numbers?
At the moment no… Still, I believe (!) these three societal trends coexist;
One, increased empirical knowledge on understanding trauma, especially preclinical complex trauma as being highly prevalent - as in actually “normal”.
Two, generally decreased “systemic welfare agency” from policies and changes to ideals of what a “social contract” should entail - i.e. since 1995-2005. It’s harder to practically “act” on available knowledge.
Three, a decay in general public trust, increasing individualism and tougher enforcement of imperatives in education, careers or work - e.g. sick leaves increasing, receiving more flak than just a decade ago.
- If the above holds, I would posit (!) trauma-related suffering prevalence to increase consequently. Neurodivergence is already a factor of incidence, known since studies mid 1990s.
What am I trying to say… We “know” more, can “act” less, and (western) societies change rapidly. More people get ill, ratio higher for NDs.
(Little research to go on, at least well cited - and is increasingly paywalled. I’ll keep digging…)
Nothing “credible”, but I’d say high. Very high. Like 66-75%, at least. Constant criticism and rejection is terrible for health human development! 😬
Yeah, that constant stress is lethal. Kinda like those japanese salary man that work themselves to a early grave. 24/7 we work on behaving nt.
Thomas is it important that life coaches and or councilors are experienced working with people with autism if so, they are probably not that easy to find?
You can barely find someone who understands trauma let alone autism. If you find someone im the system, never let them go.
@@DiscordBeingFor sure. Nearly 2/3 of adults have at least one ACE, and it’s somehow special for a therapist to be “trauma-informed”? Forget having any idea what being autistic means for mental development and health! 😑
no politics zone IS politics zone. Being apolitical IS A POLITICAL CHOICE. Ablism is a political issue.
So drive away whole swathes of humanity by forcing this issue to be “political”? A questionable choice, to say the least… 🤨
@@misspat7555 anyone drives away anyone, you can be interested on politics, like them or dislike them, that is not relevant at all. For exemple, I don't like the rage and the conflict it involves, and yet it still political, it has anything to do with you, me or someone else as an individual. It is political by default. You can choose to see it or not.
By the way, political doesn't mean that it must be treated by the government or anything like that, political means it involves a relation of power. A relation of power where we aren't well placed because we are a minority and our needs aren't respected. Those needs can turn into rights if we fight for them as we should and those rights might turn society into something less demeaning, less threatening and contribute to us having a better quality of life, having a greater life expectancy and even suffering less. Society is there for us to change it if it oppress us. IT IS POLITICAL.
We autistic people are a minority, we have the right to express ourselves, have demands and ask for rights and if you choose not to fight for them it's ok, but don't expect anyone to give you rights as a present. The won't fall from the sky just because you want them. IT IS POLITICAL, IT ALWAYS IS.
@@misspat7555a lot of denotations and connotations would have to be clarified for any discussion and i think that the political warfare is useless....... but acknowledging politics is fundamentally ableism is a factoid. Applied to all flavors of variation from clonality at some or more time periods, it only excludes elites of power affluence bloodline etc, even if in the focus exclusions at any time.
Nonvocal selfadvocacy?