Coach Craig Kenneth... It's good to understand that some people out there, my have problems that have nothing to do with us or the usual problems most couples have
My ex, Craig. It was caused by a major attachment trauma with her mother at a crucial developmental age (before 3). Thanks for this video, Craig & Margaret.
Omg yes. I love your channel its helped me through some hard times. My ex who passed away 5 months ago car crash with me that I'm now disfigured from deffinantly had majority of these symptoms. I started him watching your channel when we had some hard times and this helped him too. God bless you and Coach Margret I'm glad I surived to share your channel that has helped several of my friends get through some crazy tuff stuff. You guys are helping people.
This video is intense! You two are so good together when you explain these personality disorders. I hope you will continue doing videos on the kinds of people we might meet and the signs of potential danger to look for when we make choices. Thank you both.
My ex had BPD! She was so adamant with her emotions I was SURE I was in the wrong and that I hurt her. After the breakup and the anxiety dissipated it was like I was enlightened.... * constant bs about me leaving her for someone else *constant stress * blowing things out of proportion ( arguments which I practically say nothing and she blows up / cries) * disconnected from best friend for a complete BS reason she got offended by * each form of criticism towards her was a sign of my fault as an angry person rather than justified. * always anxious and wanting to prove herself to others and help/ do for them to an irrational degree... I am frankly embarrased that after the breakup I took fault for all sorts of BS that she did... If she wants to meet for closure Ill tell her whats up and that she needs help... For HER sake... No way im going back into that hurricane...
Literally been in no contact for a month now after 1.5 yrs with her, contacted me yesterday asking for gifts she gave me back an accusing me of moving on !! Wtf am I dealing with , Shane when we were good we were better than anything but she gave me sooo many reasons not to trust her, the most dissmissive avoidant person I’ve ever met
My borderline relationship ..love bombed me, devaluated me then said I was a rebound and he needed space to reflect. I'm so sad. I figured out he was borderline coincidently at the almost same time, therefore, didn't have enough time to understand or handle his desire to detach.
Keep these up please! I got accepted to Social Psychiatry and it was Craig that inspired me to be more interested in psychology. Learning a lot from these videos!
It's OK, I have borderline disorder and I felt you were so hard with people who have this diagnostic. We are not monsters and we need so much love. Rejection is the meal of every day because it's not in people but it is within our minds and we were born with that stuff. I have been working with the fact I'm risponsible of myself and it has worked a little, but it still hurts when someone who I am so attached with decides to go... It would be a long story and I don't have the money to ask Craig. So I just wanted to express that.
100% agree - it's not a helpful nor compassionate description. I had BPD all my life and even though the psychological scars will remain lifelong, I have recovered fully and no longer experience no symptoms and have loving relationships in my life. It is possible and yes, those with BPD suffer deeply and need to learn to relate to others in healthy ways. I wish you well.
Recently broke up with my undiagnosed bpd partner...with her 2 years (we have an 8 month old too)....told me on our 4th date together about her sexual abuse as a child and indeed a rape she went through a few years ago....i was really falling for her...but she was definately trying to get me to be her night in shining armour from early on...but the triggers of abuse and abandemont issues,played such a part in our relationship....i actually didnt know my head from my arse with this girl....be prepared for walking on eggshells,silent treatment,zero respect for your boundaries,control and rage. I didnt experience physical abuse...it was emotional abuse. She has a side to her,that can be very beautiful.. But the bpd rules her...she is a slave to the disorder.
Hello Greig. I have watched many of your videos. I belief we all grow throughout our life. I dated a young woman who has BPD. She also has PTSD from being sexually abuse from the age nine until the age 13. Added to that she has ADHD. I wrote a narrative I wrote from our short lived relationship. I hope it will help others. I dated a woman much younger than me. I met her when she worked at the office where I live in January, 2019. We talked several times and learned we had a lot of common interests. She was at my place shortly afterward and I gained her trust. She opened up to me a lot. According to her she has PTSD from being sexually abused for four years beginning at age nine. She also mentioned she has ADHD and BPD. I listened to everything she said. I told her I would support her and never judge her. She had loaned her car to a friend of hers and he wrecked it totaling it. Since I have three cars and a truck I loaned her one of my cars. I had tickets to the drag races in Las Vegas, Nevada the beginning of April, 2019 which is also the same month of her birthday. I invited her to go with me and she said yes. After I drove a couple hundred miles we stopped to eat. I give her the car keys and told her she could drive is she wanted. We put the top down on the car and headed out. She drove across Hoover dam and acted like a kid for the experience. It was awesome. Although she had never driven in a big city I let her drive anyway. I showed her a good time since it was the first time she had ever been to Vegas. Prior to going to Vegas, March, 2019 she was arrested for possession of meth. The following day she was released from jail. She came by my house and I told her she could continue to use one of my cars. We all make mistakes and I told her I believe in her. On our way back from Vegas she was driving. She told me she had never driven in a big city or driven as far as we needed to get back to our town. I told her I was proud of her for her driving skills. I continued to let her use one of my cars since she secured a new job. In the beginning everything was great. I had always given her positive encouragement. She had to go to court on May 8th for the possession charge. I went with her for support. The judge, after testimony said there was probable cause and transferred her case to District court. Afterwards when we left the court she began to cry which was first and only time I ever seen her show any type of emotions externally. Whenever we would meet we would say to each other “love ya” and hug each other. I took her to lunch and during that time I asked her “what makes you feel loved?” Her immediate response was “I don’t know.” I then took her to the military installation close by since I am retired military. On the way back to town out of the blue she said “this is all new to me.” I told her again how proud of her I am as well as mentioned “just accept it.” I also told her many times “I believe in you.” I realized she is an Avoidant Attachment style whereas I am an Anxious Attachment style. She is also an introvert whereas I am an extrovert. She and her mother do not get along at all. She mentioned to me she has no feelings for her mother. I had told her I would never attempt to isolate her from her friends which I haven’t. Remember I said she is much younger than I am. She has very few friends which I think use drugs and/or alcohol. One trait of a person who is a BPD is they use drugs and/or alcohol to subdue the pain from anxiety and depression. At one point in time I gave her many resources, including resources of professional people I know, to help her. I know I could not help her since I was emotionally involved. I believe where she is living, although I have never been to the residence, think there is drug and alcohol abuse. She is also a very stubborn person. Anytime when she had a day off of work I would make plans for us. The day we had plans she would send me a text saying we could not go with the plan because she had so much to do. This behavior went on for over a month so I decided to walk away. By doing so I went to her work and told her I needed my car back. She asked me when and I said tonight. It broke my heart for doing what I felt I had to do, however I don’t feel guilty about it. I have not contacted her since which has been ten days and she has not contacted me either. What happens in the future will happen. I always gave her the space she needed and will continue to do so. I truly hope she gets the treatment she needs to become a better person. I know in my heart she is a good person. Also we never had sex during our short time together. Since she had been sexually abused which caused her PTSD I didn’t want to trigger any bad thoughts. I learned long ago I am the most important in my life. I wish her well. By the way I have a Doctorate degree in Psychology with a specialization in Criminology. My other lower degrees are in Criminal Justice.
I've fallen in love with them. Immigrant women in my cases that fled their country, culture and family. Philippines, Pakistan, India, El Salvador, and China. I also encounter it on a friends level and can see why I relate to them. Thank you so much for sharing this stuff. I'm 2 years in of becoming aware and learning about this stuff.
At 8 minutes, Margaret says that setting limits helps make the borderline partner feel safe. Can you help me out on this? What kind of limits and how do you set them?
Great question. I think Margaret means that you have to be clear about what your own personal boundaries are and what sorts of behaviour you will and won't tolerate from a borderline, AND make that clear to the borderline so that they know you have those limits. It's kind of like defining your parameters and thresholds for whatever relationship you have with a borderline - "setting the rules" if you like. Coach Margaret is correct as always.
They are close but dont understand all of BPD, Kati Morton does a great job of explaining it. I think Margaret does an excellent job dealing with avoidants but its not quite the same. Kudos to them for even trying to take it on. Not all ppl with BPD will cut, nor will they overtly try to commit suicide. But depression for these souls are real. And they do say a great point, they have depression because they were NOT loved the right way. Theres usually severe sexual or physical abuse involved.
Great video. I appreciate the point made that borderlines can be charming and likeable..so true (it'd be much easier sometimes if they weren't). I'll probably have to watch this one again to absorb everything.
Waw again thank you for the third time!!! Did Margaret wright her book yet, this is very useful for me because I keep seeing signs of my ex personality in my son. I wanna take the best strategies to protect and educate him. And Definitely see a lot if this in my EX personality.
Hi Craig! I'm a fan of your videos and generally find them incredibly helpful. I have to say this one was a bit disappointing, however. As someone who lived with BPD all my life until finally gaining the skills to manage it (and, happily, no longer meeting the diagnostic criteria for the disorder) through Dialectical Behavior Therapy, mindfulness, meditation, rewiring the brain, etc., I had to chime in. While there is some truth to some of what you both presented in this video, there's also some important information that was left out. Historically, Borderlines were thought to have a form of mental illness between psychosis and schizophrenia, because of their extreme and, to others, inexplicable behaviors. New brain scan technology now shows the disorder to simply be one of overreactive emotional responses in the brain. The idea that BPD is entirely due to trauma is incorrect. Certainly there is some trauma, for some borderlines, but not all. In my own case I am pretty sure the disorder was the result of a brain that felt things way too much and was unable to regulate emotion. I remember this being the case even as a very young child. I have been able to turn my overreactive limbic system into a career as an artist, a sphere in which feeling things intensely has allowed me to be of some use to society. The women (and they were all women) I met in my DBT program were all similar artistic types, very sweet and sensitive. To characterize borderlines as these untreatable monsters is unfair and, I think, only perpetuates outdated misunderstandings and stereotypes about the disorder. Yes, when triggered some borderlines can act out in frightening ways - and there is a wide spectrum of personality and behavior among borderlines as among the general population. But there are also those who simply implode. The urge to self-harm is not, as so many people think, an effort to get attention, but rather a desperate attempt to make the pain stop. Borderlines feel pain at a much much higher level than is normal, for things that most people would not find painful. Because the brain does not differentiate between emotional and physical pain, feeling them both in the same place, you could think about the suicidal gestures or cutting as being similar to assisted suicide among terminally ill folks who are in chronic pain. Because there is no physical source of the pain, people assume it is a choice; because other people are able, biologically, to regulate pain, it is assumed that the borderline is just "being dramatic." I get it. It's exhausting to be around borderlines. It was, in fact, the exhaustion I created in those around me that finally forced me to realize there was something wrong with me. I think it is important, too, that we all stop doing the eye roll thing where we say borderlines are the "hardest to treat" or the "least likely to get better." The only reason that was true in the past was that the psychology community didn't understand what was going on with borderlines, so no effective therapies were designed. That was not a failure among borderlines to be treatable or curable, but rather a failure of science, at that time, to devise effective strategies. Now, we have several highly effective therapies available to those with the disorder. Dialectical Behavior Therapy saved my life, not just in a literal "I'm not dead" sense, but also in a "life is worth living and beautiful" sense. Schema Therapy has also been shown to be effective. There are some others as well. They all revolved NOT around talk therapy (this doesn't help that much, as trauma is not the main root cause of BPD) but rather around conscious behavioral changes that feel incredibly counterintuitive at first but which, when done methodically and with discipline, literally lead to the rewiring of a malfunctioning physical brain. I can remember the first time a healthy behavior felt normal to me - it was so amazing. I remember exactly where I was driving when my brain, on its own, engaged in a healthy reaction to a trigger that, in the distant past would have sent me off the deep end and, in the near past would have required incredible mental and emotional gymnastics to contain. The brain is plastic, far more so than we once believed, and borderlines can be healed. Of course, they will have to recognize and admit to having the disorder first, and then they will have to commit to doing extremely difficult, painful work. DBT has been, hands down, the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life - but so, so worth it. Anyway, sorry for such a long note. I adore your videos, and they've helped me a LOT, so thank you. I am glad you're tackling BPD, it's an important topic and absolutely I believe the disorder is one that, if left untreated, leads to chronic relationship stress and failure. I hope you'll consider doing a followup video that doesn't take such a throw-up-your-hands-in-frustration approach to the disorder, and maybe talks about the huge breakthroughs in recent years in understanding and treating borderlines. We're not bad people; we just feel too much. Marsha Linehan, who pioneering DBT, compares living with BPD to being without skin, only a skin that covers the emotions. To a person without skin, the act of walking to a bus stop and sitting on the bench would be unbearable. Horribly, that's what everyday life is like for the borderline, with every changed plan feeling like a massive rejection and every mild upset leading the brain to overreact as though one were being beaten to death. Be gentle, to the extent that you can, with the borderlines in your lives, folks; they aren't choosing to act this way, though with the right therapies they can choose, eventually, to do something new. xo Alisa
Alissa I would like to talk to you about my situation with my ex. We started talking again, and would like some advice of how to handle situations with her bpd. I have mentioned dbt with her and she is interested about it. I would appreciate it your input. Im so confused and lost with this And you being a female and gone through the therapy, you'd seem like the right person to ask advice for. Do you have an email I can contact you if that's ok? Thanks again
Alisa, I too would like to speak with you on the same subject. It would be good to get your insight on my situation. Somehow I'm on my sons page but you can get me on this RUclips video I'll give you my email or ways to contact me. Thanks
My avoidant days i was being needy and wanted a break..which to is is a breakup...ive done no contact since..he did reach out xmas eve with a direct indirect message..i answered his question and back to no contact... Im hoping he will come back but lately right before the break he started cussing me per text when i triggered him...im guessing he was stressed..he has just bought a house and was stressed...but his verbal abuse per text is not acceptable...i said yhat to him back per text..its happened again...he brings up something from my past then cusded me.... why?
Cutting/overdosing usually starts in the teenage years due to long term repression of all sorts from childhood. I cut for 2 years, then I stopped. Then it went to substance abuse/partying/gambling, then as I've gotten older, I've lead a very constricted life of just work, little gambling here and there and staying home, going out very little and very routine. Splitting, raging, hypercriticism, among other things, has been lifelong for me. I feel I'm a mixture of schizoid, avoidant, dependent/counterdependent along with BPD. Bpd is a lonely empty condition. You tell yourself all the time you don't need anyone, but you know you do, but can't do anything about it in real life, so why bother trying? Nobody can have a conversation with me very long before something they said, how they said it, wrong place/wrong time, triggers me and I act out. Low, infrequent contact is best with a BPD. Yes, I said it, cause I know what's best for others to avoid getting screamed at, accused or split on. Other times, I'm completely ok holding it down. Problem is, I never know, much less the other person, when an "episode" is going to spring up out of seemingly nowhere. I'm just as surprised as they are.
What is different about the approach to get a borderline ex back if they dumped you for a rebound? And how to interact with them if they should reach out, especially when they get into crisis mode?
Hi - I have found many of your videos great but like some others with BPD, I was a bit disappointed with this one - I actually don’t think the content describes BPD origins or behaviours ‘correctly’ if you will. The early 1-2 y/o infant explanation is something I have never heard before from a psych not read before - my understanding is that BPD develops in early childhood but the 1-2 years I think is incorrect or in contrast to many other professionals - For a channel devoted to relationships, it seems incredible that this video focuses on splitting ( without relating effectively how this manifests in RS’s) but doesn’t explore the abandonment terror that is at the centre of RS issues for those of us with BPD .. abandonment issues are the reason many other behaviours manifest - as a response to the fight/flight response abandonment triggers - I just think this video may misinform people quite significantly .
I hav a question....i seen to hav 2 traits..but I had good mother so my question is..can such a thing take plc wit a narc boyfriend at a young age bring bpd on?.u have no abuse from morher.but from a boyfriend 3 yrs..so now cuz I 've been hurt so m ny times and keep ending up wit same type of ppl can such a person being bpd on..all my partners end up nacs..
Do You think that one could be somewhat borderline? No sexual abuse in childhood, no complaints about not being taken care of, but very much dividing everything into good or bad, and possibly some entitlement, but not noticing themselves they are doing the black and white and entitlement.
Coach craig, after my girlfriend left me and moved of our house 3 weeks ago with her daughter (i was her only fatherfigure), i did no contact and now she called me saying her daughter is crying a lot lately (shes 5yold) cause she misses our dog, so now she wants to borrow it wednesday - should i give her permission??
I'm not him but.. Dude is the little girl's wishes. Give it a chance and see how it goes. If you were living together you must feel something for them, both. That's just my opinion.
Bpd is definitely a spectrum disorder. Ive known ppl young, old, men, women, etc on both ends spectrum esp malignant end. This video makes some good pts n i agree with some pts. But i don't think this video describes those in the lower end the spectrum nor all. Seems more like the middle to malignant end. Just my 2 cents.
There are many kinds of self destructive behavior. Cutting is the classic outward sign? But for example, my quiet bpd ex had the self destructive behaviors manifest in anorexia and sexual impulsivity.
First let me say that there are way better more educated videos out there from doctors who are experienced and specialize in the treatment of BPD. There are also TED talks about it. This is actually a very inexperienced video about borderline personality disorder. You touched on all the bad extremes but there is a spectrum of BPD and if the person is an aware BPD and the partner is also aware and understands the abandonment issues you can actually have a very loving and successful relationship. People with BPD are actually have very many positive traits that make them worth being with and you didn’t touch much at all on that. You make them seem like horrible people and that’s just not always true. I really like you guys but I was disappointed in this video.
Corey Wayne is a genius. He teaches people how to essentially become magnets for BPDs then turns around and charges $1k to coach them out of the pile of dog shit he helped them step in to begin with.
I think this is a really unfair depiction of BPD. I have been diagnosed with BPD and there are so many varying degrees on the spectrum of characteristics and traits and everyone is different and have different traits. I think this is going to give people who don’t have BPD a very negative view of those who do have this diagnosis
I just watched this video and it was fascinating at helped me see what borderline looked like especially with a celebrity. And of course, it all goes back to attachment trauma. Such fascinating stuff! Thought you might enjoy this Craig, and maybe you could do a similar type of video since BPD is in the news with Kanye. Keep up the good work! ruclips.net/video/siJxE8WIGRM/видео.html
Did you guys enjoy learning about borderline personality disorder? Share your thoughts
Coach Craig Kenneth i just found this. Thank god.
Coach Craig Kenneth... It's good to understand that some people out there, my have problems that have nothing to do with us or the usual problems most couples have
Coach Craig Kenneth hi Craig I watched this Becuase I believe my mother has this and how it affected me growing up
My ex, Craig. It was caused by a major attachment trauma with her mother at a crucial developmental age (before 3). Thanks for this video, Craig & Margaret.
Omg yes. I love your channel its helped me through some hard times. My ex who passed away 5 months ago car crash with me that I'm now disfigured from deffinantly had majority of these symptoms. I started him watching your channel when we had some hard times and this helped him too. God bless you and Coach Margret I'm glad I surived to share your channel that has helped several of my friends get through some crazy tuff stuff. You guys are helping people.
This video is intense! You two are so good together when you explain these personality disorders. I hope you will continue doing videos on the kinds of people we might meet and the signs of potential danger to look for when we make choices. Thank you both.
I absolutely love the addition of Margaret to your channel!!!!! She is brilliant and so sweet! I could listen to you both all day!!!
My ex had BPD! She was so adamant with her emotions I was SURE I was in the wrong and that I hurt her. After the breakup and the anxiety dissipated it was like I was enlightened....
* constant bs about me leaving her for someone else
*constant stress
* blowing things out of proportion ( arguments which I practically say nothing and she blows up / cries)
* disconnected from best friend for a complete BS reason she got offended by
* each form of criticism towards her was a sign of my fault as an angry person rather than justified.
* always anxious and wanting to prove herself to others and help/ do for them to an irrational degree...
I am frankly embarrased that after the breakup I took fault for all sorts of BS that she did... If she wants to meet for closure Ill tell her whats up and that she needs help... For HER sake... No way im going back into that hurricane...
Literally been in no contact for a month now after 1.5 yrs with her, contacted me yesterday asking for gifts she gave me back an accusing me of moving on !! Wtf am I dealing with , Shane when we were good we were better than anything but she gave me sooo many reasons not to trust her, the most dissmissive avoidant person I’ve ever met
My borderline relationship ..love bombed me, devaluated me then said I was a rebound and he needed space to reflect. I'm so sad. I figured out he was borderline coincidently at the almost same time, therefore, didn't have enough time to understand or handle his desire to detach.
Exactly same as me
Keep these up please! I got accepted to Social Psychiatry and it was Craig that inspired me to be more interested in psychology. Learning a lot from these videos!
It's OK, I have borderline disorder and I felt you were so hard with people who have this diagnostic. We are not monsters and we need so much love. Rejection is the meal of every day because it's not in people but it is within our minds and we were born with that stuff. I have been working with the fact I'm risponsible of myself and it has worked a little, but it still hurts when someone who I am so attached with decides to go... It would be a long story and I don't have the money to ask Craig. So I just wanted to express that.
100% agree - it's not a helpful nor compassionate description. I had BPD all my life and even though the psychological scars will remain lifelong, I have recovered fully and no longer experience no symptoms and have loving relationships in my life. It is possible and yes, those with BPD suffer deeply and need to learn to relate to others in healthy ways. I wish you well.
That’s you splitting on ppl saying hard truth’s 😮
This is an amazing video. I’m not extreme but I’ve noticed I have both anxious and avoidant tendencies that brought me nothing but heartache
Recently broke up with my undiagnosed bpd partner...with her 2 years (we have an 8 month old too)....told me on our 4th date together about her sexual abuse as a child and indeed a rape she went through a few years ago....i was really falling for her...but she was definately trying to get me to be her night in shining armour from early on...but the triggers of abuse and abandemont issues,played such a part in our relationship....i actually didnt know my head from my arse with this girl....be prepared for walking on eggshells,silent treatment,zero respect for your boundaries,control and rage.
I didnt experience physical abuse...it was emotional abuse.
She has a side to her,that can be very beautiful..
But the bpd rules her...she is a slave to the disorder.
Mr Mcgregor did your ex love bomb you in the beginning and then discard you after the 2 years you were together?
Hello Greig. I have watched many of your videos. I belief we all grow throughout our life.
I dated a young woman who has BPD. She also has PTSD from being sexually abuse from the age nine until the age 13. Added to that she has ADHD. I wrote a narrative I wrote from our short lived relationship. I hope it will help others.
I dated a woman much younger than me. I met her when she worked at the office where I live in January, 2019. We talked several times and learned we had a lot of common interests. She was at my place shortly afterward and I gained her trust.
She opened up to me a lot. According to her she has PTSD from being sexually abused for four years beginning at age nine. She also mentioned she has ADHD and BPD. I listened to everything she said. I told her I would support her and never judge her. She had loaned her car to a friend of hers and he wrecked it totaling it. Since I have three cars and a truck I loaned her one of my cars. I had tickets to the drag races in Las Vegas, Nevada the beginning of April, 2019 which is also the same month of her birthday. I invited her to go with me and she said yes. After I drove a couple hundred miles we stopped to eat. I give her the car keys and told her she could drive is she wanted. We put the top down on the car and headed out. She drove across Hoover dam and acted like a kid for the experience. It was awesome. Although she had never driven in a big city I let her drive anyway. I showed her a good time since it was the first time she had ever been to Vegas.
Prior to going to Vegas, March, 2019 she was arrested for possession of meth.
The following day she was released from jail. She came by my house and I told her she could continue to use one of my cars. We all make mistakes and I told her I believe in her. On our way back from Vegas she was driving. She told me she had never driven in a big city or driven as far as we needed to get back to our town. I told her I was proud of her for her driving skills. I continued to let her use one of my cars since she secured a new job. In the beginning everything was great. I had always given her positive encouragement.
She had to go to court on May 8th for the possession charge. I went with her
for support. The judge, after testimony said there was probable cause and transferred her case to District court. Afterwards when we left the court she began to cry which was first and only time I ever seen her show any type of emotions externally. Whenever we would meet we would say to each other “love ya” and hug each other. I took her to lunch and during that time I asked her “what makes you feel loved?” Her immediate response was “I don’t know.” I then took her to the military installation close by since I am retired military. On the way back to town out of the blue she said “this is all new to me.” I told her again how proud of her I am as well as mentioned “just accept it.” I also told her many times “I believe in you.” I realized she is an Avoidant Attachment style whereas I am an Anxious Attachment style. She is also an introvert whereas I am an extrovert.
She and her mother do not get along at all. She mentioned to me she has no feelings for her mother. I had told her I would never attempt to isolate her from her friends which I haven’t. Remember I said she is much younger than I am. She has very few friends which I think use drugs and/or alcohol. One trait of a person who is a BPD is they use drugs and/or alcohol to subdue the pain from anxiety and depression. At one point in time I gave her many resources, including resources of professional people I know, to help her. I know I could not help her since I was emotionally involved. I believe where she is living, although I have never been to the residence, think there is drug and alcohol abuse. She is also a very stubborn person.
Anytime when she had a day off of work I would make plans for us. The day we had plans she would send me a text saying we could not go with the plan because she had so much to do. This behavior went on for over a month so I decided to walk away. By doing so I went to her work and told her I needed my car back. She asked me when and I said tonight. It broke my heart for doing what I felt I had to do, however I don’t feel guilty about it. I have not contacted her since which has been ten days and she has not contacted me either. What happens in the future will happen. I always gave her the space she needed and will continue to do so.
I truly hope she gets the treatment she needs to become a better person. I know
in my heart she is a good person. Also we never had sex during our short time together. Since she had been sexually abused which caused her PTSD I didn’t want to trigger any bad thoughts. I learned long ago I am the most important in my life. I wish her well.
By the way I have a Doctorate degree in Psychology with a specialization in Criminology. My other lower degrees are in Criminal Justice.
I love these SUPER dense videos with you two. I like having to watch them a few times to pick up what you guys are putting down here.
Have learned so much. My ex is a gaslighter, avoidant and has a borderline personality. Is that possible??
I love how Margaret explains the Splitting concept. Very interesting and thought provoking how 'Mother Nature" steps in...
Instead of splitting is it a borderline trait to block out things in their memory to cope with the pain? Thanks again coach Craig and Margaret!!
I've fallen in love with them. Immigrant women in my cases that fled their country, culture and family. Philippines, Pakistan, India, El Salvador, and China. I also encounter it on a friends level and can see why I relate to them. Thank you so much for sharing this stuff. I'm 2 years in of becoming aware and learning about this stuff.
At 8 minutes, Margaret says that setting limits helps make the borderline partner feel safe.
Can you help me out on this? What kind of limits and how do you set them?
Great question. I think Margaret means that you have to be clear about what your own personal boundaries are and what sorts of behaviour you will and won't tolerate from a borderline, AND make that clear to the borderline so that they know you have those limits. It's kind of like defining your parameters and thresholds for whatever relationship you have with a borderline - "setting the rules" if you like. Coach Margaret is correct as always.
They are close but dont understand all of BPD, Kati Morton does a great job of explaining it. I think Margaret does an excellent job dealing with avoidants but its not quite the same. Kudos to them for even trying to take it on. Not all ppl with BPD will cut, nor will they overtly try to commit suicide. But depression for these souls are real. And they do say a great point, they have depression because they were NOT loved the right way. Theres usually severe sexual or physical abuse involved.
Great video. I appreciate the point made that borderlines can be charming and likeable..so true (it'd be much easier sometimes if they weren't). I'll probably have to watch this one again to absorb everything.
You need to do more in depth videos on this subject...We live in a world of epidemic narcissism
Waw again thank you for the third time!!! Did Margaret wright her book yet, this is very useful for me because I keep seeing signs of my ex personality in my son. I wanna take the best strategies to protect and educate him. And Definitely see a lot if this in my EX personality.
I have an ex who I strongly believe has BPD and NPD... I learned a lot about it after our breakup
Hi Craig! I'm a fan of your videos and generally find them incredibly helpful. I have to say this one was a bit disappointing, however. As someone who lived with BPD all my life until finally gaining the skills to manage it (and, happily, no longer meeting the diagnostic criteria for the disorder) through Dialectical Behavior Therapy, mindfulness, meditation, rewiring the brain, etc., I had to chime in. While there is some truth to some of what you both presented in this video, there's also some important information that was left out. Historically, Borderlines were thought to have a form of mental illness between psychosis and schizophrenia, because of their extreme and, to others, inexplicable behaviors. New brain scan technology now shows the disorder to simply be one of overreactive emotional responses in the brain. The idea that BPD is entirely due to trauma is incorrect. Certainly there is some trauma, for some borderlines, but not all. In my own case I am pretty sure the disorder was the result of a brain that felt things way too much and was unable to regulate emotion. I remember this being the case even as a very young child. I have been able to turn my overreactive limbic system into a career as an artist, a sphere in which feeling things intensely has allowed me to be of some use to society. The women (and they were all women) I met in my DBT program were all similar artistic types, very sweet and sensitive. To characterize borderlines as these untreatable monsters is unfair and, I think, only perpetuates outdated misunderstandings and stereotypes about the disorder. Yes, when triggered some borderlines can act out in frightening ways - and there is a wide spectrum of personality and behavior among borderlines as among the general population. But there are also those who simply implode. The urge to self-harm is not, as so many people think, an effort to get attention, but rather a desperate attempt to make the pain stop. Borderlines feel pain at a much much higher level than is normal, for things that most people would not find painful. Because the brain does not differentiate between emotional and physical pain, feeling them both in the same place, you could think about the suicidal gestures or cutting as being similar to assisted suicide among terminally ill folks who are in chronic pain. Because there is no physical source of the pain, people assume it is a choice; because other people are able, biologically, to regulate pain, it is assumed that the borderline is just "being dramatic." I get it. It's exhausting to be around borderlines. It was, in fact, the exhaustion I created in those around me that finally forced me to realize there was something wrong with me. I think it is important, too, that we all stop doing the eye roll thing where we say borderlines are the "hardest to treat" or the "least likely to get better." The only reason that was true in the past was that the psychology community didn't understand what was going on with borderlines, so no effective therapies were designed. That was not a failure among borderlines to be treatable or curable, but rather a failure of science, at that time, to devise effective strategies. Now, we have several highly effective therapies available to those with the disorder. Dialectical Behavior Therapy saved my life, not just in a literal "I'm not dead" sense, but also in a "life is worth living and beautiful" sense. Schema Therapy has also been shown to be effective. There are some others as well. They all revolved NOT around talk therapy (this doesn't help that much, as trauma is not the main root cause of BPD) but rather around conscious behavioral changes that feel incredibly counterintuitive at first but which, when done methodically and with discipline, literally lead to the rewiring of a malfunctioning physical brain. I can remember the first time a healthy behavior felt normal to me - it was so amazing. I remember exactly where I was driving when my brain, on its own, engaged in a healthy reaction to a trigger that, in the distant past would have sent me off the deep end and, in the near past would have required incredible mental and emotional gymnastics to contain. The brain is plastic, far more so than we once believed, and borderlines can be healed. Of course, they will have to recognize and admit to having the disorder first, and then they will have to commit to doing extremely difficult, painful work. DBT has been, hands down, the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life - but so, so worth it. Anyway, sorry for such a long note. I adore your videos, and they've helped me a LOT, so thank you. I am glad you're tackling BPD, it's an important topic and absolutely I believe the disorder is one that, if left untreated, leads to chronic relationship stress and failure. I hope you'll consider doing a followup video that doesn't take such a throw-up-your-hands-in-frustration approach to the disorder, and maybe talks about the huge breakthroughs in recent years in understanding and treating borderlines. We're not bad people; we just feel too much. Marsha Linehan, who pioneering DBT, compares living with BPD to being without skin, only a skin that covers the emotions. To a person without skin, the act of walking to a bus stop and sitting on the bench would be unbearable. Horribly, that's what everyday life is like for the borderline, with every changed plan feeling like a massive rejection and every mild upset leading the brain to overreact as though one were being beaten to death. Be gentle, to the extent that you can, with the borderlines in your lives, folks; they aren't choosing to act this way, though with the right therapies they can choose, eventually, to do something new. xo Alisa
Alisa Valdes great information Alisa!! ❤
Great 👍 response my mother is borderline and I have been learning a lot on it ! I appreciate your insight ❤️
Alissa I would like to talk to you about my situation with my ex. We started talking again, and would like some advice of how to handle situations with her bpd. I have mentioned dbt with her and she is interested about it. I would appreciate it your input. Im so confused and lost with this
And you being a female and gone through the therapy, you'd seem like the right person to ask advice for. Do you have an email I can contact you if that's ok? Thanks again
Alisa, I too would like to speak with you on the same subject. It would be good to get your insight on my situation. Somehow I'm on my sons page but you can get me on this RUclips video I'll give you my email or ways to contact me. Thanks
My avoidant days i was being needy and wanted a break..which to is is a breakup...ive done no contact since..he did reach out xmas eve with a direct indirect message..i answered his question and back to no contact...
Im hoping he will come back but lately right before the break he started cussing me per text when i triggered him...im guessing he was stressed..he has just bought a house and was stressed...but his verbal abuse per text is not acceptable...i said yhat to him back per text..its happened again...he brings up something from my past then cusded me.... why?
Cutting/overdosing usually starts in the teenage years due to long term repression of all sorts from childhood. I cut for 2 years, then I stopped. Then it went to substance abuse/partying/gambling, then as I've gotten older, I've lead a very constricted life of just work, little gambling here and there and staying home, going out very little and very routine. Splitting, raging, hypercriticism, among other things, has been lifelong for me. I feel I'm a mixture of schizoid, avoidant, dependent/counterdependent along with BPD. Bpd is a lonely empty condition. You tell yourself all the time you don't need anyone, but you know you do, but can't do anything about it in real life, so why bother trying? Nobody can have a conversation with me very long before something they said, how they said it, wrong place/wrong time, triggers me and I act out. Low, infrequent contact is best with a BPD. Yes, I said it, cause I know what's best for others to avoid getting screamed at, accused or split on. Other times, I'm completely ok holding it down. Problem is, I never know, much less the other person, when an "episode" is going to spring up out of seemingly nowhere. I'm just as surprised as they are.
What is different about the approach to get a borderline ex back if they dumped you for a rebound? And how to interact with them if they should reach out, especially when they get into crisis mode?
Why the F*** would you want to?!
A good Sunday night video!
Hi coaches! would you plz make videos on when the dumper starts to feel guilty!
I love Coaches Craig and Margaret!
Fantastic video
How do i buy Margareth's book?
Hi - I have found many of your videos great but like some others with BPD, I was a bit disappointed with this one - I actually don’t think the content describes BPD origins or behaviours ‘correctly’ if you will. The early 1-2 y/o infant explanation is something I have never heard before from a psych not read before - my understanding is that BPD develops in early childhood but the 1-2 years I think is incorrect or in contrast to many other professionals -
For a channel devoted to relationships, it seems incredible that this video focuses on splitting ( without relating effectively how this manifests in RS’s) but doesn’t explore the abandonment terror that is at the centre of RS issues for those of us with BPD .. abandonment issues are the reason many other behaviours manifest - as a response to the fight/flight response abandonment triggers - I just think this video may misinform people quite significantly .
Shanshuprofecy, Please contact me as I would like your insight as to my situation. You can reach me here. I'll give you my contact info. Thanks
hiya ... how can i help? or try to help anyways? .. i'm not a professional hun but i know a little about BPD & happy to chat /email if you like
I hav a question....i seen to hav 2 traits..but I had good mother so my question is..can such a thing take plc wit a narc boyfriend at a young age bring bpd on?.u have no abuse from morher.but from a boyfriend 3 yrs..so now cuz I 've been hurt so m ny times and keep ending up wit same type of ppl can such a person being bpd on..all my partners end up nacs..
Do You think that one could be somewhat borderline? No sexual abuse in childhood, no complaints about not being taken care of, but very much dividing everything into good or bad, and possibly some entitlement, but not noticing themselves they are doing the black and white and entitlement.
wow!
Amazing video 😁
Is that madonna song about this
Please Margaret make a full video explanation of bpd 😩
we already have some. search the channel
Coach craig, after my girlfriend left me and moved of our house 3 weeks ago with her daughter (i was her only fatherfigure), i did no contact and now she called me saying her daughter is crying a lot lately (shes 5yold) cause she misses our dog, so now she wants to borrow it wednesday - should i give her permission??
I hope u will find time to answer it as im very lost
I'm not him but.. Dude is the little girl's wishes. Give it a chance and see how it goes. If you were living together you must feel something for them, both.
That's just my opinion.
Bpd is definitely a spectrum disorder. Ive known ppl young, old, men, women, etc on both ends spectrum esp malignant end. This video makes some good pts n i agree with some pts. But i don't think this video describes those in the lower end the spectrum nor all. Seems more like the middle to malignant end. Just my 2 cents.
What if someone has all the symptoms kinda but dont cut their self
They might self harm without cutting. You need to research it more.
There are many kinds of self destructive behavior. Cutting is the classic outward sign? But for example, my quiet bpd ex had the self destructive behaviors manifest in anorexia and sexual impulsivity.
Nice work coach
Craig.Have you noticed that Margeret seemed to be struggling in this Borderline personality video..she seemed tired or just struggling.
First let me say that there are way better more educated videos out there from doctors who are experienced and specialize in the treatment of BPD. There are also TED talks about it. This is actually a very inexperienced video about borderline personality disorder. You touched on all the bad extremes but there is a spectrum of BPD and if the person is an aware BPD and the partner is also aware and understands the abandonment issues you can actually have a very loving and successful relationship. People with BPD are actually have very many positive traits that make them worth being with and you didn’t touch much at all on that. You make them seem like horrible people and that’s just not always true. I really like you guys but I was disappointed in this video.
amazing information
Sweet Margaret 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍
This is my mom.... can it be passed down?
How does a borderline reacts to a narcissist?
A borderline would destroy a narcissist.
But not an Alpha or Super Empath!
Corey Wayne is a genius. He teaches people how to essentially become magnets for BPDs then turns around and charges $1k to coach them out of the pile of dog shit he helped them step in to begin with.
MEATY UH interesting take
@@BlackLabelSlushie very interesting take, I always believed he did the exact opposite and still do unless I can be proven otherwise
i found that he doesn't teach this at all - he does charge crazy high rates tho
Great content in this video but is there a gerbil munching on some cardboard rustling in the background? Hmmmm
I think this is a really unfair depiction of BPD. I have been diagnosed with BPD and there are so many varying degrees on the spectrum of characteristics and traits and everyone is different and have different traits. I think this is going to give people who don’t have BPD a very negative view of those who do have this diagnosis
My man's.... Craig K.
I just watched this video and it was fascinating at helped me see what borderline looked like especially with a celebrity. And of course, it all goes back to attachment trauma. Such fascinating stuff! Thought you might enjoy this Craig, and maybe you could do a similar type of video since BPD is in the news with Kanye. Keep up the good work! ruclips.net/video/siJxE8WIGRM/видео.html
A person that is addicted to drugs and alcohol is that a personality disorder?
susan jones no. Although i have read that people with cluster-B personality disorders are more prone to addiction.
I am a PERSON with BPD, The disorder doesn't define me... You talk about it as if we are borderline first then a person. Ugh. Bad video.