How to Stop Fixing and Saving People When You Care Too Much
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- Опубликовано: 12 сен 2024
- EPISODE 4 of our Walk the Wu Wei series offers practical guidance on how to stop trying to fix and save people when you care too much. www.wuweiwisdom...
Are you struggling to help others in need? Does your caring, sensitive and compassionate nature mean you give too much of yourself to loved ones?
We'll teach you the authentic way to handle these life challenges!
Ordained Taoist monk and therapist, David James Lees, and life-coach, Alexandra Lees, share their inspirational Wu Wei Wisdom on the real-life challenges faced by their clients and community members in their Walk the Wu Wei series.
We welcome your comments and questions about your own life experience and challenges. We always try to answer as many as possible in our Walk the Wu Wei broadcasts and in our private, FREE TO JOIN FACEBOOK SUPPORT GROUP ➜ / wuweiwisdomcommunity
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Alex using the word "role" in this video really resonated with me when she spoke about fixing other peoples problems and that "it isn't your role to make things better." I've noticed I have taken on roles myself when no one asked me to do so and then I have red light feelings when that role I took on isn't appreciated or recognized. But now I see, I wasn't invited to be that role in the first place and maybe that person needed to take care of their own issues. The red lights came from my manipulations not working out as I wanted. I should have waited until I was asked to help about a particular problem instead of taking on that fixer role automatically and then wanted to be thanked for it.
Hi Rin,
Thanks for your comments and sharing your personal insights!
We are very pleased that the video has helped with your Life Lesson and spiritual journey.
David
Well written!!!👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿
Exactly my situation too!!!
I am a senior citizen, and have had unsuccessful marriages and relationships, regardless of being a kind and caring person. Your counselling video has given me some real enlightenment on a lifetime of trying to fix these men, and being too caring and understanding, then suffering the abuse that eventually showed up. WOW! I now see that this stemmed from my family, as a sensitive child who hated my folks and older sibling fighting and arguing and yelling....I was the 'get along' kid, who wanted to make it all right again. I was the peacemaker in the family. And this set me up for tolerating things from people that I should not have. I didn't learn to love myself, and didn't feel worthy to stand on my own without outside approval. NOW I can see that my whole approach stemmed from this part of my family relationships!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!! This is a real revelation! I am going to listen to this again, and really GET IT! And then listen to the next one, on "The Self love secret." This is really big for me!
Thank you so much. This is the first time I feel like I have an understanding of how to start to stop being a fixer. Because I'm a hard core fixer. I mean well I really do. I have been like this since I can remember. I know what it's like feeling not enough, unloved, unworthy of being cared about and abandonded by parents at a young age. I don't want others to feel like that. But, Dan, you were spot on what you said about trying to smooth things over when things get in a possible maybe argument with people. I never thought of it like that. It made sense. It sounds like me. I like the term red light feelings. You guys are awesome. You explained it in a way that I get it. I feel like the flood gates have been open for me to finally be able to no how to not be a fixer. Now I feel like I am awesome. Now I feel I no how to start to heal from this cause I didn't no how. THANK YOU!
This is just what I needed to hear at this time. I’ve been worrying about a loved one who is deeply unhappy and has been for a long time for different reasons. I have tried to offer help and solutions but she closes me off. She turns to drink which makes things worse.Sometimes I wake up during the night and she’s on my mind and I feel sad for her. This video has reminded me to take a step back and to be there to support her rather than fix her. I understand we all have our own paths and we have to learn from our own experiences. Thank you so much for all the work you do, it is much appreciated 💚💚
Hi Robyn
Thanks for your comments, we are really pleased the video has helped you a little in these challenging times.
If you keep truthful, honest and have loving integrity your friend might see your love and choose another path. Until then keep loving and supporting her.
Many thanks for taking the time and trouble to watch and comment on our videos.
David x
Wu Wei Wisdom thank you 💚
@@robyn56 you're welcome! :) x
Wonderful, wise, well delivered. I'm so glad I discovered you folks. I learn so much. Could you expand more on guilt felt when you've done terrible things and can't remake them?
Hi Mildred - thanks for your feedback :-)... often the belief that you should be 'perfect' and should never make mistakes (now or in the past) leads to the persistent red-light emotion of 'guilt'. The Human Centred Mind strives for a perfection that is both an illusion and is impossible to achieve. We all make mistakes - fact! It is easy to reflect back and say we could or should have done things differently - the key is to take the learning (the 'Spiritual Lesson') and move forward stronger and wiser, rather than using the episode as a stick to beat yourself with. We have covered this topic in relation to learning to 'trust' yourself again in the live video broadcast we did on our Wu Wei Wisdom Community Facebook group this week and which we'll upload to our RUclips channel sometime in March. We know you are already a member of this gorup so please check out the video! Alex and David x
❓ Did you enjoy this video ❓ >> Post your comments, questions & suggestions for future videos below - we’d LOVE to hear from you!
OTHER RELATED VIDEOS YOU MAY ENJOY:
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David also offers his unique one-to-one therapy sessions to clients all over the world via video call - please email us at ' info@wuweiwisdom.com ' for further information on how we can help you.
Alex & David x
Hi David and Alex.Can you please explain what is the difference between supporting someone instead of helping them Thankyou
I like the way David said with a laugh "come and fix me". 🤗🙏
You fix everything in me 😂😂😂😂. Its always just what I need, in perfect timing. Thank you. ❤❤❤
Very interesting. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Hi Nicole, thanks for your kind feedback!
If you enjoy our video teachings please feel free to subscribe to our RUclips Channel (we regularly add new videos!) ➜ ruclips.net/user/WuWeiWisdom
We also run a free Facebook Group where we share daily Wu Wei Wisdom and answer supporter questions - you would be welcome to join the group ➜ facebook.com/groups/wuweiwisdomcommunity/
Alex & David x
My sister suffers from BPD and I can't help but feel the need to be help her in every way possible. And no matter how hard I try her pain keeps becoming my pain. And I myself start becoming sad and anxious and it's very unhealthy for me. I simply feel unable to focus on myself. Any advice?
Hi Amr, It sounds like you have to do a little more work on the best way to help your sister. Also consider that you may not be able to help her at the moment and just support her while she finds her way.
Thanks for being there for your sister! I have bpd and my bro hasn't spoken to me in almost 10 years. He was my best friend before he met his wife. She doesn't allow him to do anything and physically abused him. Of course I wanted to protect him. That got me kicked out of his life by his wife.
Thx needed this
I needed this.
Thank you from the bottom of my ❤️.
Hi Cassandra, you're welcome. Glad you enjoyed the video :-) We also run a free Facebook Group where we share daily Wu Wei Wisdom and answer supporter questions - you would be welcome to join the group ➜ facebook.com/groups/wuweiwisdomcommunity/ Alex & David x
What a beautiful video and message. Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge.
Thank you❤️
thank you so much for this video. I totally needed this. This is a video tailor-made for me :)
This was speaking directly to me. 😂
And this comes in the right moment, thanks! :)
Hi Ivon, we're glad you enjoyed the video :) Alex + David x
This is brilliant. Good stuff!
Thank you Asiah!
If you have questions on any of our teachings please let us know or if there's a topic or issue you'd like us to cover in future videos do tell us as this helps us plan our future videos.
If you enjoy our video teachings please feel free to subscribe to our RUclips Channel (we add new videos every Sunday!) ➜ ruclips.net/user/wuweiwisdom (click the 'notification bell’ when you subscribe and you’ll also get an email notification every time we add a new video).
We also run a free Facebook Group where we share daily Wu Wei Wisdom, answer supporter questions and broadcast live Q&A and video teachings - you would be welcome to join the group ➜ facebook.com/groups/wuweiwisdomcommunity/
Alex + David x
Really needed this ... right now to🙏🏼
I am a hyper sensitive person . Getting easily triggered by her bad behavior towards me.
I loooove this! But I'm wondering, what's the difference between saving people in social situations and trying to fix their problems? I've been struggling with staying true to myself whenever I'm having a conversation with someone and I feel like they're struggling when trying to explain something or just making conversations. I often feel I'm focused on connecting or having a nice and effortless conversation that I sometimes feel unsure of what I'm thinking about the topic, being open minded and seeing their take on things. Often staying true to their side of the thing. And when I disagree it's most if not only with people I know are strong enough to handle it. Does that mean that I'm afraid my authentic self won't be accepted or that it will cause a stir?
Sometimes people areso narrow minded you know they can t take what you say. Then you just don t make the effort. You r not in flow when u r with those people
Hi guys, thank you so much for your teaching. I’ve been only in bad relationships with boyfriends like being the victime being the one who desperately try to fix the life of my boyfriend and also being to confident (very fake and narcissistic). I’m trying to fix out my relationship approach because I want a normal relationship. My question is what is normal relationship, I mean healthy and sustainable? How do I know ?
Thank you guys
😘
Thanks for your comments Chloe,
I would suggest you focus on your personal relationship with yourself.
Build it on truth, honesty and integrity, then you will NOT have to be fake or narcissistic but just your awesome self.
Thank you so much for taking the time and trouble to watch our video and comment.
Why don't you consider joining our free Facebook Community, where you will find lots of support and help on self-love: facebook.com/groups/wuweiwisdomcommunity/
David
Wu Wei Wisdom thank you so much ,I’ll going to work on it. 😘
@@cocobdijen2329 great, let us know how you get on or if you get stuck with anything. x
Thank you! Speaking of which, what do you think, Alex and David, is a good parenting book or method?
You are awesome
Do video on post traumatic stress
Hi Regina - this is a good suggestion and an important topic. Will we cover this on a future video teaching. Thank you!
Thank you! I have a great interest professionally in applying the quantum model for curing the so called psychological disorders.
I do not believe in managing things and relieving symptoms. I would greatly appreciate if you share your many years of professional experience on the topic. Thank you in advance.
Hi Regina
A couple of our more recent videos may help you with understanding and resolving post-traumatic stress:
ruclips.net/video/yBYnJSsHrAw/видео.html
ruclips.net/video/4a8s1dT-G0I/видео.html
Please take a look and let us know if you have any more questions.
Thanks!
Alex & David x
THANK YOU 🙏
Hi Citie smith, thanks for watching! We appreciate your support. You may find our Love and Relationships Video Playlist helpful: ruclips.net/p/PL9NQ_PWX4zID3yxrdCbbZFuKHCwgV6qhX Alex + David x
p.s. You are also welcome to join our free 'Wu Wei Wisdom Community' Facebook support group here: facebook.com/groups/wuweiwisdomcommunity ...And you can follow us on Instagram: @wuweiwisdom ~ x ~
Amen
Glad you enjoyed the video!
Alex + David x
Thanks for discussing this topic. Tell me how to deal with divorced bipolar sister in law who stays with me, my husband, my 1 yr son and father in law. My sister in law is narcissistic in nature, plays victim card, jealous of me very. This is creating excessive mental stress, anxiety depression in me for past 1 yr. Always gives excuse of her bad behavior for her illness. Husband and father in law pamper her too much like a 7 yr old kid. My sister is 31 yr old, don't work. Me and my husband are doctors. Last 1 yr i took a break from work for caring my child. Suggest some tips how to handle this situation. My husband is saying it's his duty to take care of his mentally ill sister as his is getting old.
He cantake care of her by putying her in a small flat or appartment closs to you, not in the same house. Apparently you seem to be able to afford it, so why not? Explain to yourhusbanc a couple needs to be alkne in the house. There are ogher ways he can look after his sister that don t put pressure on you. You have nesds too. Explain them to him, expect youd needs to bd respected
Your sister in law probably feels like she's 7. How amazing that both you and your husband are healthy enough to be doctors. As a doctor, why do you not see that she has an illness.
Hi there, love your videos thanks a lot! felt lots of change and saw myself able to STOP IT! the self doubt, shame, guilt, masochism etc. after finding some of your videos yesterday. Now, I have a question regarding what was said in this video - when you said she is doing a good job because angie sees it as a project and "they get better and "they leave her" and then you say " so she's doing a good job." I have been trying to understand what happened a year ago when i came home after a few months of turmoil with my new and dear husband and he had packed and left. When the turmoil begun a few months before i had pushed his affection and care away and was on the program of the inner child who did not want to feel trapped by anything. I also see that because i was "leaving" myself and not nurturing and caring within - as you say in so many videos and truly loving self - looking to him for most of love approval appreciation( and still sometimes do as I too am "recovering) i was not able to truly connect with him and understand the ways in which i tried to "save him" He had mentioned during this time, a few months before he left that he felt he had become co dependent and needed to find his own way. This was interesting for me to hear in your video that they "left " her because she did a good job or her job. Since then my husband and i have worked a lot of things out and have come toether in a new way however there is still some residue for me and a lot of memory of how painful and opening those initial moments were when i came home and to my horrific surprise he was gone with no notice. He told me he was unhappy and needed to change and grow and unpack the gifts. So now, i want to learn from all of this and continue to nurture and love myself while in this marriage. I see and feel the benefit of staying in my own business and mindful to how my thoughts create my feelings ( i am a practitioner of The Work of Byron Katie and inquire continuously regarding stressful thoughts and concepts of self and perceived "other" - in fact that is what was able to wake me up and move me through the horrific stories and all the meanings i was putting to the signifigance of him leaving at that time) One time, early early on in our relationship - before we were married he said "you saved me" and I want to know how to speak to my husband about this and ensure we evolve from this innocent yet immature perspective of ourselves and one another and learn functional independence and interdepence and co -operation for a dynamic and peaceful relationship. Please reflect on this and share. Is it possible he "left" at that time because i had "done my job" and saved him and then was able to save myself? How do i ensure that i do not repeat this cycle of trying to "fix" everything. I see its been my program since child hood - that if something is wrong : a) its my fault and b) i have to fix it. This is NOT HELPFUL and i am SO GRATEFUL that i am evolving and breaking cycles for the next generation. Thanks for your time and thoughtfulness.
Thank you for your comments.
As I'm sure you will be aware as a practitioner it would be impossible for me to address all of these issues in this format.
So, just picking on the last comment "it has been my program since childhood"
I would suggest that this is the 'programme' you will have to own and deconstruct.
One of the Wu Wei Wisdom mantra's is "You can't change what you don't understand!" So, you need to stop and take responsibility and be accountable for that statement. Because that statement may be from your childhood, but it is now also your *current* statement.
You can create a more authentic and truthful programme right now.
Thank you for taking the time and trouble for watching and commenting on our videos we appreciate your support.
David
@@WuWeiWisdom Im afraid i went too much into story rather than just asking the direct question i would like addressed. Please address what is meant by the comment in your video regarding angie and how she must have done a good job if she "got them (the men) better" and then they left her. Is this something that happens often to fixers and savers? How can she prevent this from happening again?
@@WuWeiWisdom thank you for taking the time and trouble.
it is a great topic
Hi Najma - thanks for your feedback. Glad you enjoyed the video! Alex & David
Instead of fixing and saving them, can we highlight their discrepancies and their abnormal behaviours and show them what might be the reason?
Hi May
You have to be very careful going down that route because you are presuming that you know what their discrepancies are (which is being judgemental) and that their behaviour is abnormal (which is comparing).
We recommend in our teaching videos no #CCJ (criticising, comparing or being judgemental)
.
I would suggest it is more helpful and inspiring to lead by being an inspiration and focusing on setting an example of living your life in Wu Wei balance and harmony, rather than focusing on the other person's life and issues.
Hope that helps with your meditations and thank you for taking the time and trouble of watching and coming on our videos.
If you have questions on any of our teachings please let us know or if there's a topic or issue you'd like us to cover in future videos do tell us as this helps us plan our future videos.
If you enjoy our video teachings please feel free to subscribe to our RUclips Channel (we regularly add new videos!) ➜ ruclips.net/user/WuWeiWisdom
We also run a free Facebook Group where we share daily Wu Wei Wisdom, answer supporter questions
and broadcast live Q&A and video teachings - you would be welcome to join the group ➜ facebook.com/groups/wuweiwisdomcommunity/
David
I only attract needy persons. what can i do about it.
Hello TheSunshinefee, Thank you for taking the time and trouble to watch and comment on our videos and work; we appreciate your interest and support. As you will appreciate, it would be inappropriate for me to comment on personal issues without full knowledge, history and background. Therefore, I can only comment in general terms. The people you attract is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. Why don't you consider joining our FREE and private Wu Wei Wisdom Community Facebook support group - Over 7,000 members discuss WWW teachings, answer questions and share experiences: facebook.com/groups/wuweiwisdomcommunity/. Kind regards, David.
@@WuWeiWisdom thank you. i put in the request ot join you
How do you tell the difference between the actual feelings or trauma that need to be experienced so they can be cleared, and the feelings that you say are not really feelings but we should rather call them choices or beliefs or thoughts? It seems that sometimes it’s empowering to call feelings instead thoughts or beliefs or choices, and then other times it’s empowering to call them feelings and let myself feel it fully to completion. Please help me distinguish between the two.
Hi Scott,
Thank you very much for your question because it hits at the very root of the Wu Wei wisdom teachings.
To clarify the teaching "you are the creator of your emotions not the victim of them!"
So what we are saying is that whatever emotion you experience, you are creating them regardless of what name you want to call them, for instance: anxiety, stress, depression or trauma.
As we say in many of our videos, I would prefer you to concentrate on the thoughts and beliefs that create those emotions and feelings rather than focusing on the resulting feelings.
Why don't you consider joining our free Wu Wei Wisdom Community Facebook support group - we answer questions and offer guidance and teachings to our members here: facebook.com/groups/wuweiwisdomcommunity/
Thank you for taking the time and trouble for watching and commenting on our videos we appreciate your support.
David
Thank you for your response. I will ponder this.@@WuWeiWisdom
Dan is me! It doesn’t work!
The teaching?
Its Biblical.
Thank you 🙏
You’re welcome 😊