Overanalyzing Your Relationship Won't Make Your Partner's Cold Treatment Feel OK
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- Опубликовано: 19 окт 2024
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When you're being breadcrumbed, it's tempting to use fancy therapeutic language to explain-away the other person's treatment of you. You might blame your past trauma when their cold treatment hurts you. You might disown your own values and needs, rather than recognize that your partner isn't a fit. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who worries she is over-analyzing; find out the suggestion I give her to recognize the pattern and break free.
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I loved how Anna said “we lie with our bodies; we cannot control the complexity of the soul.” It’s really taken time for me to appreciate how physical intimacy really has profound import for me and I can no longer ignore that. I thought I understood it spiritually, and in some ways I did, but I was missing how it really connected and expressed with my body in how it shifts expectations, emotions, etc.
It took a 16yr marriage of being gaslit through my CPTSD fog of dysregulation, healing as much as I could on my own within that relationship, until I realized that I couldn’t crap fit anyway I could imagine or try. I guess I exhausted all the psychological jargon and energy I could, and then some. It wasn’t easy, but honestly, I’ve come to realize that I’d rather be on my own than keep trying to give myself away to people who aren’t able to share true emotional intimacy with me.
Thank you for sharing your experience!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I had an ex who gaslit me every time I expressed unhappiness with something he did and convinced me that the problem was me and that I was just too emotionally unstable and I needed to fix myself and he was perfect and could do no wrong. It was the most punishing draining relationship I have ever been in.
Wow that's terrible, we're so sorry to hear that. So glad you're out of that relationship now, thanks for sharing your experience with us :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Sounds like we dated the same guy! Sorry to hear. Hugs
Sounds like my soon to be ex husband
I went through this too…🫶🏽
I survived one of those too. That takes a long time to heal from.
Figuring out who you truly are is a lifelong project.
So true
Healing is so tricky because you are simultaneously unlearning bad behavior and learning good behavior. It’s hard to know what is a trauma response and what is your feelings…. However, I think that is not a helpful way to think about it now.
How you feel is how you feel. Exploring where things came from of course is important, but even if the things you are feeling are flashbacks, it doesn’t make them less valid feelings. It doesn’t make them less important or separate.
Idk, I’m still learning this lol
It is really tricky! Thanks for sharing your thoughts, we're so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Poor girl, she's been through so much and is trying so hard.
There is a big difference between an intimate relationship and a sexual relationship and I don't think people realize that
Thank you, well said.
This is why sex is not a recreational activity. That is not what she did but the way sex is viewed these days you are made to feel abnormal if you want to wait more than 3 dates and have a real commitment.
Anyone that is capable of have sex as recreational, detached of emotions, it’s plain and simple someone with some sort of personality disorder, period.
@@di3486 Maybe not a personality disorder but jaded for sure.
@@di3486 I don’t think that’s fair. It’s not for me, but different strokes for different folks
Boom! The pressure is so real and I see it so much with the women of my generation. It's like people see sex as some sort of cheap parlor game or that you need to check sexual compatibility before you get to truly know each other.
@@elinope4745 yep
Honoring who I am without pulling out a map/label at every turn. It can sometimes seem paradoxical that engrossing myself in self-help is anything but self-awareness. "You're crapfitting yourself to the common social idea that people are just suppose to be cool with this." THE most relatable segment yet.
this literally came up after a huge breakdown involving abandonment issues from my parents, who now gaslight the living daylights out of me. thank you so much for this timely upload.
Ugh, so sorry to hear that. We're glad the video was helpful and are sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
It's so crazy to me now that the idea of having a slowly built stable relationship through courtship never even occurred to me... Thank you for these videos. Damn.
I get you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Healing is about becoming who you really are.
Absolutely!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Spent a decade in a relationship that I thought I was growing in.... turns out it was all a facade on his part....it was the last time I will EVER allow myself to get involved with another on that level again.
I left my ex three years ago still am not interested in dating. I'm not ready and I'm still on my journey to creating my new life. I get lonely but I don't think it's fair to bring my "stuff" into a relationship while I'm still not in a position to do so. I don't want to share myself with someone right now and it would be traumatic to try. I appreciate your teachings and support. I love that there are others who still believe in not pushing the physical boundaries to "see if it sticks". I want someone to truly love me first, then share ourselves. ❤
We are lucky to have you Anna! Thank you!
Thanks for watching! -Calista@TeamFairy
THIS is so real. I have used psychological jargon and "self-help" to gaslight myself into thinking any discomfort, insecurity, issue, etc. is my responsibility to "sit with" and "work out" so I don't feel that way. It places no accountability on the other person nor does it address my very real needs.
8 weeks in is far too early to let someone know your vulnerabilities like the letter writer is doing. She's doing the right thing by processing, self soothing etc when she feels triggered - yes, but until much more time has passed, keep all that to yourself. No need to tell the person you are dating about your insecurities IMO. Early dating is for fun and light-hearted getting to know each other. So she is opening up too soon on an emotional level, not just sexually.
I’m guessing they are both in a 12 step program. Sometimes what comes along with that is sharing deeply in the beginning. Eventually I learned to see it as pseudo intimacy. ( I’ve been sober 36 years snd have done my share of it back in the day). Then sex comes in and now you just feel vulnerable and exposed.
I like your idea of having dating be just having fun. No long “ these are my core wounds” talk until much later. But in her defense, it’s hard in the 12 step community.
The reason I married virgin was because I never had a relationship that lasted more than a few weeks. Even with my husband was 15months until we married. I am glad that I waited.
@Melissa I think you are not supposed to date people from your 12 step program, Anna has even said that.
I went to some codependents anonymous meetings, there was a guy there who seemed a little bit interested in me on the first meeting, but it was crystal clear to me that this would be a terrible idea. 3 weeks later he had a girlfriend from a dating app.
@@Melissa-kw1slIn my 12-step community, dating was strongly discouraged until it was clear that each one had been doing the work for quite a while, and they were just dating just to get to know one another and see if they have anything in common. Not just to find a sex partner and see if it “sticks” like Anna said.
I loved your definition of marriage at the end. Beautiful.
Thanks for listening, glad you enjoyed :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Selling ourselves short through magical thinking and crap fitting.
I'm glad to have watched this video ☺️ I been abstaining from being physical now for more 6 months. It's not been that hard, but rather reassuring. I know my soul is in more peace because I made the choice to end the cycle of sleeping with the one I been inlove with for 4 years now. It's this time apart that I feel I grow a lot, but also recognizing what my needs truly are. I know if I hadn't been direct with him in telling how I felt about sleeping with him, I would have continued to not being able to stand myself. I'm in much calmer place emotionally & greatfull for it. I'm open to talking with him again & when the time is right, my bounderies will be all out on the table. I'm still learning to put myself first. It's not always comfortable, but it is freakin' fantastic 🙏 I wish you all the connectedness with you are 💫🙏💜
Thank you for sharing this! It's amazing you were able to do that, we know it must have been difficult but we're so glad you were able to put yourself first. Sending you encouragement! -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy aww, 😇 thank you ❤
I feel this response to this letter, this talk from the heart and mind working together, like a privilege, a gift from heaven. I am so pleased for myself and whoever gets to listen to it.
Many of us know the feeling of disappointment when intimacy gets cut right after the first time two people have come to that very intimate place of having sex. Isn't falling asleep together and waking up to see each other the most natural thing that follows a good first sex? God bless Anna and CCF team for their dedication to this work and wishing ease for all of us in getting better at behaving and living in tune with our sensitivities, at bringing out our true selves, expressing them in the best manner.
Thanks for sharing, so glad you enjoyed the video :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I see Chris’s issues in my mother, who is committed to crap fitting herself into her unhappy marriage. She always listens to self-help/psychology podcasts and only absorbing info that would justify her staying in that familiar painful relationship. She overthinks everything and I fear that me leaving the nest will cause her a mental breakdown.
I want her to seek her own happiness and stop denying how much pain she is in, but I can’t force her to go to therapy or for my stubborn narcissistic father to change his behavior. I feel a lot of pressure being the glue holding my parents’ miserable marriage together, but there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do without making the situation worse.
I really wish my mother would listen to the crappy childhood fairy and learn to take care of her own mental issues and unresolved trauma.
@@miaduana thank you for pointing that out, while I’m aware that I am crap fitting to my parents dysfunctional marriage, but I am not currently in a position where it is safe for me to move away from them. Perhaps in a few months once I graduate college, but it is reassuring to hear that the situation I’m in is terrible and that I’m not in the wrong to feel resentful and miserable.
I went to therapy for six years trying to fix a dishonest , workaholic , cheating spouse by taking responsibility for everything . Later I realized it was because if I was the cause then I could fix it by fixing myself . Therefore, I could have some sense of control . Really ... I couldn't fix it all because it wasn't mine to fix .
I love how you provide real insight into these letters. I do get very lost at the end, though, with regards to verbalizing the outcome to the other person. I would not know how to break up with the person, what to say, how much information to include. I guess the same is true when expressing my needs or concerns. Not knowing how to communicate causes me to get more disregulated in an already disregulated situation. I would greatly appreciate it if you could suggest phrases the letter writer could use with the person at hand.
This video is very fitting for my current situation, so I’m very grateful to hear Anna’s wisdom and kind words. Also, I just love these glasses! I admire them every video!
Ralph Lauren :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I started seeing a WONDERFUL guy. He is great, he is calm, stable, very supportive and KIND. And I don't want to have sex with him until I'm ready. So far he seems to be okay with this.
Thank you for saying you had a course for 'people like us' instead of 'people like you'
We're all in this together :) -Calista@TeamFairy
What a Beautiful Letter.
What a Beautiful answer, Anna!!
I totally missed the meat!! Thank you!!! 💜😻
Thank you for your kind words, glad you enjoyed! -Calista@TeamFairy
Wow! Best reading on this topic- hits me emotionally on so many levels. Thank you, thank you!❤️
Thanks for listening! So glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I love your daily practice - it's the best 10step I've ever found!
Amazing! So happy to hear that :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I totally relate to this letter. Yes, this is so much that the 20th century and feminism has done for women. I have put the boundary at marriage now after a lifetime of being cool. 8 weeks is considered late by this society's standard, it absolutely is not. Agree with Fairy. My most honest reaction to an abusive relationship was before I did any self-help. Over thinking is a result of 30 years of therapy.
I do believe that one of the reasons why people jump into having sex so quickly is because society has worked tirelessly to embed the idea that sex is the only way for adults to have fun. There's this notion that if you haven't had sex then you haven't lived; not having sex equals being miserable; not having sex is the reason for any and all emotional imbalances; sex is how adults "play"; you need to get laid; sex is how you prove you're grown-up and mature and liberated. Society is so saturated with this type of thinking which alienates and ridicules those not constantly seeking and having sex, is it any wonder people feel pressured to do it before they're actually comfortable with it? We're made to feel that being uncomfortable with casual sex is a medical condition, and that in order to be healthy we must be engaged in frequent intercourse. Also, there's this idea that if you're slow about having sex, it must mean you're a frigid religious freak and yes, I do believe people are afraid of being labelled as such.
Agreed, thanks for chiming in.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Love your comment! So true
I'm doing ok without a relationship... My Model Car Hobby and the Toy Club I belong to kind of fill that void for me if that makes any sense .
I love all of Anna's videos but this one hits the bullseye right in the center. There are so many jewels in the video and also in the comments. I'm 8 years into a relationship, married for six. My CPTSD and love addiction traits have been abled me to over-tolerate and crap fit for years. My husband was sexually abused as a child and as a result has used secrecy, lying, and pornography along with emotional detachment as standard relationship skills. Just now he is in therapy with a sex addiction counselor. There was an immediate revelation of the abuse that led to his behaviors, but after only four sessions it looks like he's in marriage counseling and I'm wondering about the addiction counseling. The wounded person inside of me is afraid to get her hopes up, while still obviously trying to justify making something out of nothing. It's a conflict that's tearing me in half. I love these videos. I'm trying to figure out how to apply the information when I'm in the middle of this scenario. I'm guessing the obvious answer is to be detached to the outcome of my husband's counseling and just work on myself. Sounds easy.. One day at a time.
So glad you enjoyed the video! We're sorry to hear that you're struggling with so much. If you're looking for insight on how to apply Anna's advice to your own situation, we suggest writing in a letter. Here's a link if you're interested: bit.ly/CCF_Letters
-Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you so much, Calista, for the gift of being able to ask Anna advice for my situation, which will benefit me and others in the same situation. I will soon follow through with the letter based on the guidelines you provided. Kindest regards, Lorrie
I really want to teach my daughter about courtship as she gets older. I wish i had known. I was gas lit into sex because everyone around me had me convinced there was something wrong if i didnt want to. I've been so rejected for so much of my life that I bought into this and even if I didn't like a guy didn't want to sleep with him I was so traumatized and afraid to tell anyone no that I would just let them and the thought of my baby going through that it hurts so bad
Yes so true! Even therapists have told me "you can sleep with someone you meant a month ago, it's totally okay and normal, everyone does it." I never heard that the way I want things was okay except from my religious leader, but he never explained HOW you would actually date someone without that. I've only found Anna for help in this regard.
@@mamabush2160I hope and pray you’re right!! 🙏
YOOOO this title ⭐️🔨
Your so helpful, thanks Anna❤ got a curve ball throw to me. Smashed it out of the park 🎉 this stuff is so so sad.
You got this!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Saving this ❤ appreciate the partner advice!! And also love the thumbnail! Really good and lots of emotion!!
So glad you enjoyed! Thanks for watching :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy 🤗
Great video from Anna.
Thanks for coming :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I told my bf of 2-1/2 years I couldn’t have sex with him any more until we were officially married, because I have rededicated my life to Jesus. He wasn’t having any of it, so a few months later he broke up with me. Right then I realized he’s not even worthy of me, and since then I haven’t even missed him. I LOVE MYSELF so much more, have way more self-respect, and just enjoying my ALONE time feels like so much more peace…and joy 😅
Don't accept crap. It is OK to reject some people.
I'm experiencing this now I think. Thank you Anna.
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you for replying Cara, thanks for being part of something that's doing so much good for so many people. This really truly is life changing.
I did not listen to this video into this much detail but I do not think the situation is that complicated. Not responding to messages is a lack of basic courtesy and a lack of respect. I would not be putting up with it, especially not from somebody I am sleeping with or want to get into a relationship to start with. It is crap fitting into to a pure casual sex relationship that is not meeting your needs. Especially when he does not really get into contact between meetings. I would suggest that she either brings things that bother her up instead of being passive aggressive or just directly terminating this ''relationship''. It makes me think that even if she said something the guy would have still treat the same and the knows it on some level
I paused this video before hearing your advice and thought the exact same thing. Too soon for someone who is demonstrating luke warm interest.
Best. Questions. Ever.
Thank you for your kind words! Glad you enjoyed :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I'm confused by the whole needs thing. You're saying we don't have needs? If our "needs" from another person aren't being met what does that mean? Am I supposed to tell them how I feel (not what I "need") or is the cold treatment a sign that they don't care and I should just silently leave?
I'm also confused about the daily practice. If i put my thoughts down on paper that doesn't make them magically go away. Nor should it. Why should I let go that I'm feeling mistreated? Isn't that gaslighting myself?
I agree she could lose the relationship if she over thinks and over analyzes it ...
@Mama Bush true .. no relationship is better than a bad relationship..
@Mama Bush like I said .. better no relationship than a bad relationship .
Chasing someone never feels good. Many You tuber men councillors, say it is like you are grabbing the ball and shooting the hoop. Maybe this is old fashioned, but men like to chase and shoot, almost like we are biologically designed that way. I agree with the advise you gave. Reading the situation is always hard after experiencing traumatic times.
I think that's true - we are designed that way. Look at the animal kingdom - it's always the males chasing the females. I've never seen it the other way around.
Damn, she's good.
Haha, so glad you enjoyed! -Calista@TeamFairy
How do you always know exactly what to post to help me feel like I have someone with me? 😭
So happy to hear that! You have a whole community that's here with you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you so much for everything you do! Every day for the last two weeks, you know exactly what I'm feeling and going through.
I hope you do some videos about atelophobia caused from crappy childhood physical punishments. How to get rid of it, thanks
Omg I didn't know the name of this or that it was a thing but I just looked up the definition and I definitely have this. I won't try anything I don't think I can handle. Thank you for bringing this up.
She’s using all the right words but still not able to validate herself.
how about when we go too fast in our head? The mind runs and fantasizes
Thank you!!
Thanks for watching! -Calista@TeamFairy
17:03 we retrofit people who we let in too soon
"The body is lying." 😞
Anna there is no “gone” in jargon. Jargon is like a smelly fart, once you start, there’s no getting rid of it.
It’s interesting to me that everyone in the comments is saying this man isn’t meeting her needs. I really disagree with how the letter writer interprets everything, although tbf Anna points this out.
If you’re both working adults, waiting a few days to call in the first 8 weeks of dating, isn’t unusual at all. Respectfully, people need some time to judge if they miss you. Maybe that sounds corny, but it’s TRUE. For me, it’d be impossible to fall in love w/ someone who texted & called me every single day & expected replies within minutes. That’s not a partner. That’s a boss/ job. Sometimes I notice the folks who write letters to this channel act like their partner works for them. You’re not this man’s employer, mother or child. He may like u, but to respect daily contact & instant replies within 8 weeks isn’t just unreasonable, respectfully, I think it’s unhealthy for most ppl. You’re going to lose yrslf in that
Anna, I've been watching you religiously for 6 months. I've been wanting to write but haven't had the energy, as I have been obsessing about it and talking to friends about it and I'm working on 10% right now.
Wondering how to redeem my relationship, we slept together and then started living together straight away (after being friends for 2 months)
I feel it went too fast and got traumatised as there were naked photos of exs and his two closest friends with women he had slept with and wanted more.. I didn't feel secure and after fighting about it for 6 months I cheated then he let them go and committed to me. Saying he was just resisting ng me telling him what to do. He then says I am the one and wants wants have a family with me, but I have been his everything, English is his second language so communication has been tough, I've been obsessing, and I finally got what i wanted but have iscolatrd myself from life and am so depressed crying everyday, feel like I don't know how to leave him or how to go on. Everything seems like a mess and that I made up the story. We have been together 14 months now. I'm so scared I won't know how to ever be with anyone again. I feel so lost and messed up. He is supportive but I am not happy.
In a nutshell.. the list goes on.
Glad you are here, we have a lot of support at CCF :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
The word is said | ˈjärɡən | not jar-gone